Last week, I came out of the building where we hold these sessions, and as I walked up the road, I smiled at a homeless man. I wasn’t expecting him to speak.

“Can I ask a favour?”

“Actually I-” I found myself about to say I was in a hurry. But I wasn’t. So I began my answer again. “What can I do?”

“Could you watch my dog while I pop into that shop to get some dog food?”

“Sure.” I smiled and stepped under the scaffolding to crouch beside his dog, who was clearly used to being left with strangers.

He took some money off his guitar case and left. I though a lot about the stereotypes I have around talking to strangers. It cost me nothing, not more than a minute of my time, to give this dog food and the man a moment to stretch his legs. I’m a cat person, so I just crouched beside the chocolate Labrador, talking gently as it looked around for its missing owner. When the man returned, I smiled and said it was no problem.

I walked off; although something in me found that uncomfortable. I had no money with me. I had smiled, had given him a moment to walk around, to care for his pet…

And yet I felt a tug as I walked away.

This Isn’t Right.

Acts of Kindness

In the western world, I feel that we’re so busy being competitive; rushing to reach the next high that we avoid anything which may distract us from that. I hope that the man manages to get a different person each day to watch his dog for 60 seconds – to show that he is human, that he cares for his animal, and that he deserves as much time from another human being as anyone else.

Mostly though, I support his action of showing each human being who walks down West Street that it really costs them nothing to be kind. Even if neither party is aware of that lesson; it’s a side-effect of his request.

May 21^st marks the beginning of Mental Health Awareness Week; and this year’s theme is “carrying out acts of kindness for strangers”. Helping others makes us feel good – so why not help more people?

As I run a meditation society on campus, this instantly reminded me of my favourite meditation. The practice is called “metta bahvana” which means loving-kindness, or compassion. In the meditation, you bring up feelings of compassion and direct them at yourself, your friend, a neutral person and someone you find difficult – before spreading that feeling over every being on the planet.

It’s my favourite meditation: connecting me with other humans who are experiencing everything that I also experience. That man is anxious about his family. That lady has pain in her lower back. That child is upset over the recent death of the family pet.

We all experience suffering and we can all show kindness. So why not begin now?

If you’re afraid it will backfire; you have an explanation. If you get a weird, suspicious look; explain that it is act of kindness week and smile.

We can all find a moment to be kind, and doing good does us good.

Simple Practises

Need some ideas? Take a look at these; see if any resonate with you:

1)      Try out metta bahvana meditation. It will take less than 10 minutes.

2)      Smile at everyone

3)      Say hello, have a good day/trip, please and thank you.

4)      Pick some flowers from the roadside and give them to people you don’t know that well (take them into the office, maybe).

5)      Compliment someone, sincerely.

6)      Smile at a busker. Explain that you have no money but offer to give them a few minutes of your listening/advice-giving time. Converse, smile and connect.

7)      Let someone have your seat on public transport – irrespective of whether they look like they need it.

8)      If someone is running for your bus, ask the driver to wait.

9)      Make a card for your housemate/colleague/friend using plain paper and a couple of pencils. Give it to them “just to make them smile”.

10)  Ask how someone is and really listen to their answer.

11)  Offer to hold or carry something for someone who is struggling but travelling the same direction as you. Or just open doors for them.

12)  Become an organ donor or give blood. (See this video for one example of how this kindness can really change people’s lives)

For other ideas, head to The Random Acts of Kindness Foundation.

Your Thoughts

Got any ideas to share? Want to share your own experiences with the meditation, being kind or receiving kindness? Leave a comment below and let us know!

What are your thoughts on kindness – are we kind enough? Are we afraid to be kind?

– Rose –

I still struggle with anger, anxiety and fear. I still struggle to be wrong, and I can still be very strong minded about certain views. The difference is that those views are now relatively well-researched from both sides.

Transitions

I came to university and met people who didn’t use fear and aggression to make others submissive to them. I discovered the people I grew up around are not right 100% of the time. I found out that being wrong did not get me hit, yelled at, or threatened.

During April, I spent three weeks back in my hometown. As the final week rolled around, I noticed the highly judgemental, defensive and quite angry comments whirring round my head again; conditioning I thought I’d broken free of, had been triggered.

When I returned here to Brighton, I feel safer amidst my supportive systems. Co-facilitating anger management courses keeps my own emotions under watch, working in the hospital keeps my life in perspective and my friends here continually give me options to meet them.

Conditioning Re-Arises

Three weeks back, however, I made myself sick with anxiety. I had mini-panic attacks for three days without an obvious trigger. I felt sick, experienced vertigo for the first time in my life, and struggled to process sensory information.

I had a week full of exciting, wonderful experiences lined up, and I had to miss half of them. I took my first ever day off sick for mental health reasons. And beneath my reluctance, I found guilt, judgement and stigma.

These underlying feelings were so persuasive, I had to really emphasise the vertigo – the nausea and dizziness, as physical symptoms, in order to admit that I was unwell.

Job Roles and Patterns

I grew up in a space where mental health was negative, and using it as a reason was termed an “excuse”. Then I came to Brighton, and found that I agreed with the science, the case studies I saw and the reflections upon my previous mental health experiences – there was something concrete in mental health, and it had a right to be valued.

In Brighton, I work with those who have or have experienced ill mental health. I do not think they are weak or bad, and my time is spent actively encouraging people to value mental health as a part of physical health.

Listening to my inner feelings, I really do believe that mental health issues are as valid, if not more valid, than physical – as they are present in both and can cause physical symptoms. Yet as I was given two days off work; from jobs in mental health, I found the stigma rising.

The quiet voice began as a “you’re being silly, letting them down for no reason”, and by the end of the day, it had turned into a raging anger; a guilty voice of injustice. In my weaker state; deprived of food and sleep, my conditioning arose and I couldn’t access the tools to redefine it.

The Next Step

Now, however, I am able to reach those tools. I’ve been questioning the language I use, and how I react to what others say and do. I’ve reflected on this stigma, and I’m taking a while to unpick where I’ve learned those conditioned reactions from.

This is the space where I can also utilise the tools for dealing with arising conditions; setting up safe spaces within my days. This week, I’m slotting in a shopping trip, a night at the pub and a visit to my friend. I have work to do, but I’m deliberately providing myself with supportive systems, while I internally deal with this old pattern.

And if I encounter it again, I hope that I’ll be able to reach out to the tools I have available to me.

Questions for Thought

What do you find when you come out of your conditioned state?

How do you deal with stigma and old views you no longer believe in?

What is your next step, following a trigger of old conditioning?

– Rose –

As phoenix rises from ashes into flame, the alchemist turns lead to gold.

Are you feeling heavy, dull and in need of a smith? Let me help you to shine up and set you alight with your passion again.

The Alchemy Forge will be opening later this week, so keep an eye out!

A month or two back, I suddenly got back into the swing, and within 48 hours, was flooded by ideas.

My student journey has a foreseeable end. I’d hit a block in my path.

I was looking for job options in every crevice; from moving 100 miles away, living back at home, and taking other education to suddenly upping my income here at my blog.

Projects

I’ve had a few projects in the pipe-line for the past six months; all of which I’ve begun, yet need a large amount of work.

As I picked up my shivanata practise, I was saddened to notice the lack of skill I now had with the low levels. I know in my head that it’s good; that this shows my brain has been re-wired since I learnt those early steps, yet my heart was seeing the failure underneath.

The Epiphanies

One night back in April, I couldn’t sleep. I went to bed at 11pm, and was still staring at the ceiling at 3am. I’d given up at 1:30 and watched a DVD on my ipod for an hour; then gone back to ceiling gazing.

My mind was full of buzzing, but not real thoughts. I couldn’t trace any worries and when I checked in with my body; I was tired.

~

The next morning I sat up to my laptop, bleary-eyed and yawning. I began to plan the guest post that I later shared over at Medicinal Marzipan. Between segments, I surfed the internet in my usual manner, and barely noticed the words I was reading on the various websites I came across.

* bing *

“Alchemist”.

Holy Carp, Batman.

I work with Phoenixes (phoeni?), transforming ashes to flame. I’m a Pagan by spirituality, and a melder of minds. If that’s not alchemy, I don’t know what is.

Once more, I was bowled over with ideas… I found a new set of metaphors to deal with the branding of things I’d had in the pipeline for months. There are two products I’m close to launching, a better way of wording a third venture I’m tentatively taking, and three new ideas which are all very do-able.

In a way, 45-minutes of level 1 shivanata, spread across 12 minutes a day has re-branded something that I hadn’t realised wasn’t working for me.

I knew I was lost, but didn’t know which bits had got me into the muddle. Now I know how I got here, where I’ve come from, where to go and how I’ll be getting there.

Not bad for 12 minutes a day and a little starter kit I bought to help me write a dissertation two years ago (which it also did amazingly).

This weekend, I’ll be attending the Brainpop Shiva Nata Workshop in London, and I’m expecting to come back with more ideas than I can handle.

Want a Go?

If you’re interested, head over to my shivanata page, find out about the starter kit or book a session over Skype or in Brighton.

If you’re not, then take the lesson that even two years on, you can learn from the very basics of a skill. And that sometimes clarity just takes a few moments of doing something different.

– Rose –

As phoenix rises from ashes into flame, the alchemist turns lead to gold.
Are you feeling heavy, dull and in need of a smith? Let me help you to shine up and set you alight with your passion again.
The Alchemy Forge will be opening next week, so keep an eye out!

What do I want… that I already have?

My list of desires begins with “time with others”. Other items include “a steady income”, “a sense of routine”, “space and time to breathe”, “more mindful moments” and even “the courage to be with my emotions more”.

However, I’m a big fan of the gratitude list: of finding new things each day to be grateful for. “I’m grateful I have friends and housemates to talk to.” kind of fulfils my first wish.

And that’s what today’s burning question is all about. Where am I already getting those things? How can I increase those?

I can knock on housemates doors and ask if they want to cook their meals with me, chatting while I cook mine.

I’m actually happy to trade that steady income for time working on my degree, and I am keeping my mind open to new opportunities.

I’m in control of my sense of routine – I could begin each day with a simple practise which sets up the day. I could make a habit of going through my diary each morning and working out where I’ll do each extra item from my to-do list around my other commitments.

I can always take a moment to be mindful; to meditate or just to chant.

And I’m working on the last one.

What things are on your list?

And where can you find them already in your life?

I bet you’ll find they’re there already – you just need to increase how often you meet them.

What items are on your list and where are they met?

Thanks for stopping by to hear my views; please feel free to share yours in return. Either leave me a comment (feel free to ask me more questions about my answers!) or head over to the prompt post to reply.

– Rose –

Two years ago, I’d have been fuming with rage.

Four years ago, I’d have been silently crying.

~

Today, I’m sat with my water bottle, happy music on my mp3 player and I’ve texted my partner so I can feel supported. Knowing he knows is enough, but the reply to hang in there and to keep breathing is even better.

I’m keeping an eye on how I feel; mentally watching for both physical sensations and my emotional fluxes. I can sense a tightness in my chest and an uncomfortablity in my throat.

I can feel tears threaten, but I don’t want to cry here – it’s not safe –.

The yelling flows over me and my music like a river over the rocks and I close my eyes. Then, the car lurches and they open themselves in fear.

The Memories

I grew up in this place: The loud, angry sounds; the sense of danger around the next bend; the fear in my throat and the tears brimming behind my eyes; desperate not to fall.

There’s almost a safety in this danger; where I can revert back to old systems and I know just how hard the hit I’m expecting will be.

When I’m here, in the car with his raised voice, it’s hard not to fall back into that instinct I learnt to exist in; as a conditioned child.

Current Situations 

But that was a decade ago. Today, though in the back of a car with him again, I’m a Masters student, a Psychology graduate, a dreamer, writer, published poet and a redefiner. I am an alchemist; a grown woman in her early twenties.

I choose to tell my body that it can release these tears tonight. I will make time for us to cry; body and mind. We can mourn today’s pain and the suffering it reminds us of when we are safely locked in our bedroom.

I’m redefining what tears are; from the weakness I learned they were to the natural and safe release of energy I now know them to be.

Sometimes though, we’re all triggered by aspects that take us back, and it’s hard to keep yourself present. Each day I have to remind myself of this present; this safety and my new role as a redefiner. I remember that I have the power to make my life joyous and freeing.

It’s uncomfortable at times, and it takes work. But I’ve been to that place of safety, and for me, it’s worth battling every single day for.

After the past couple of years of fighting, I don’t even need to fight for it every day; it’s a part of me now; and my natural reflexes. I often redefine the moment without noticing it.

Keeping Afloat in the Stream of Conditioning

1. Stay present.

This is the easiest step for me to do, as long as I remember that I need to do it. Counting’s a good option, or labelling:

How many leaves are on that tree? Count them in pairs? Or bricks in that wall. How many grooves are on that plastic, and letters in that road-sign? Count the seconds on your watch in increments of five. Do anything to engage your brain in what’s going on here and now; that’s not emotional.

2. Find the differences.

Once we’re in the “now”, it’s helpful to find the “untriggers” by noticing the differences between this situation and that one. ‘I’m now ___ years old, I have ___ (house, partner, degree, job, son, nephew, etc.) and I am ___ (confident/strong/aware/insightful/competent). It’s April now, it was July then; I’m wearing blue, I was wearing pink…’ and so on. Havi of The Fluent Self does a “how is now not then” which contains alignment and separation much like this.

3. Why were you triggered?

It’s helpful to find out which bits of this situation are like the conditioned one; thus why you’ve been triggered. Seek the similarities and feel the understanding soothe the confusion. Which part of this makes your response legitimate? Know that there is a reason you’re reverting to that place. And that’s okay.

4. Release the Emotion

Write, sing, cry, scream into a pillow, punch a cushion, go for a run, walk out… Do something to let this emotion out. Then you can put systems in place to support yourself for the next time. If this isn’t possible right now, make sure you remind yourself that you will make a time and a space for it – and then ensure that you do.

5. Create a System

Each system will depend on your and your triggers, but having a specific system to go alongside the staying present and bring you a piece of safety is so useful when dealing with triggers; particularly fear triggers.

I always have a water bottle with me, so taking a few slow sips of water are my current sadness / fear system in action. That gets me breathing a little slower / more regular too. Find what works for you; and then use it. This is bets if you can always have it with you; for whenever something unexpectedly arises, from humming a song to mentally reciting a poem or visualising a pretty ocean.

All of this can be hard to do in the moment itself, but if you take time to work through each trigger in the calm space; it’ll become habit and you’ll be able to reach for the skill just when you need it.

– Rose –

Today, we’re going to deal with the preparation you can do to avoid acting out of anger, and the aftermath.

In case you missed last week’s post, “Dealing with Feeling”, here are three key points to know:

-          Anger is a neutral emotion, though your action may have a positive or negative moral value.

-          Anger is a useful emotion – giving you extra power when you need to fight or flee in dangerous situations (or in this day and age, letting you know that something is wrong and in protecting your values / world-view).

-          Anger cannot be removed entirely (and there is no need to try). However, we can manage it. This means you minimise how often you act upon it and to what degree you act.

Okay, now that’s understood, let’s begin with preparatory actions for managing your anger.

Preparation – Maintaining a Base Calm

A trigger of anger is usually more than just about that one incident. Things have been building up over time and suddenly, you reach the top of the volcano and can’t help but erupt.

It’s a good practise to have methods of releasing small pieces of annoyance so that they don’t build up.

Common methods include:

-          meditation

-          reiki

-          dance

-          singing

-          ranting (in a journal/blog/twitter/to a friend).

• it’s important not to let them catch you up into the drama though; talking to an empty chair is just as good

-          punching pillows

-          yoga

-          regular walks / runs

-          massage

-          play a game

Some of these techniques will also work during the moment of anger; but if you go for a walk once a week, take ten minutes a day to meditate and get a massage/reiki session once a month, your levels of stress will generally stay lower, which means your reactions to things that may cause anger will also be lower.

Question #4: What can I do for myself to release excess energy and chill out?

Perspective

Will this matter in 24 hours time? Or a year?

How long is your journey? Is it worth being in a bad mood for the rest of the day over? Will getting into an argument help?

Is this even about the situation which has triggered your emotion?

Some of the physical predispositions to anger include feeling ill, being hot, being tired or feeling hungry / thirsty. If our basic needs aren’t met, we’re more likely to react with anger.

Take a step back and see what this is really about, and if it really matters.

Question #5: Will this matter in 48 hours time? Is it worth causing a stir over?

Prevent A Future Situation

One of my most useful new practises since beginning the course last May was to speak to someone as soon as something bothered me the second time. This stopped it going from a one-night irritation to a full blown rage over the course of many nights, but also didn’t make it seem like I was complaining every time anything happened. Once I could let go. Twice and it became a pattern.

My new routine became:

-          say what the side effect is, then say you think X might be contributing and could we come to an arrangement that means the other person can still be free but I don’t get the side effect:

“Hey housemate, how are you?
“Good, you?”
“Really tired. I couldn’t get to sleep last night.. worry, work, and at times your music was a little loud.”
“Oh..” (or sorry, or silence)
“I wondered if you’d be up for maybe setting a level or a time to finish music by, or if there’s something you could suggest that I do to alleviate this that wouldn’t mean disrupting your chilling out time?”

I’m taking responsibility that it’s MY issue with her music and that I’m willing to change how I act if I can. I’m also opening dialogue so she can realise that her music does affect me.

I’ve not called her a name, raised my voice or made any comment about her behaviour being “bad”. It’s also good to state about this making you FEEL something. Annoyed, tired, restless, anxious… people connect with emotions better than an abstract action.

Question #6: How can I approach this issue once it becomes a pattern?

Aftermath

- If you lost your temper, I’d suggest apologising. And explaining which action annoyed you, why (you could share your view with them?) and how it made you feel.

- If you got angry by yourself (and didn’t do anything to show them), then I’d suggest trying the above tip (6) after you’ve calmed down.

Mini-note: I often find preparing this conversation brings up the anger again. Tell yourself you’re going to go and sort the issue out without the use of anger. The anger has told you that this bothers you; its message has got through. Now let’s be nice and calm and express our feelings to another human being who also experiences emotions.

You can’t control the feeling of anger, but you can control how much you let it build, how you act on it and how you choose to view it.

~

Tips:

- Keep yourself calm on a daily basis

- Take up calm-promoting exercises

- Avoid gossiping

- Keep alert to the triggers as you get annoyed

- When you’re predisposed, take extra breaths

- Put it in perspective

- Are your basic needs met?

~

Questions For Thought

How do you create your space of calm?

What are your thoughts on anger management?

Do you have an effective method of calming down, or approaching others?

Did you have a question I’ve not answered?
It would be great if you’d post any of these thoughts in the comments section for everyone to share and learn from.

– Rose –

What money resentments do I have…that I could let go of?

The first thing that comes to mind is my annoyance with exchange rates, and that far off thought that I wish bartering would be re-instated as an option. So often I would happily work for someone else in return for a skill of theirs.

I guess the real reason for that is that I resent having to spend my “extra earned money” on rent and bills, because I grew up with “here’s your allowance from doing housework; any extra or left-over is yours to spend on what you want.”

I resent having lost my ‘reward’ because I’m in a position where I’m not earning enough to cover more than the necessities. I don’t have “left-over” money, and I can’t actually ask for more hours of work in my current job.

Letting Go 

I guess in letting go of this resentment, I should redefine my perspective.

Can I view my time here as a reward in itself? I’m living with two people I get on with, I can make whatever meals I like (my parents follow strict and limited diet/meal plans) and I have some wonderful opportunities to make the most of every day.

Spending money on rent, food and bills to be here in this highly-rewarding space is pretty much a reward, isn’t it?

What resentments do you hold?

Thanks for stopping by to hear my views; please feel free to share yours in return. Either leave me a comment (feel free to ask me more questions about my answers!) or head over to the prompt post to reply.

– Rose –

Emotions are a key part of the human experience. Some of the most “troublesome” of which include guilt, anger and despair.

As a facilitator of an anger management course for 16-25 year olds, I’ve picked up a few tips in managing this emotion, and wanted to share these insights with you, as redefining our world isn’t confined to just looks or the way we speak to ourselves.

Although this post will focus on anger, the tips could be used to control any emotion.

Key Points

Firstly, I need to explain three things, so that we’re all on the same page:

-          Anger is a neutral emotion: although your action may have a positive or negative moral value, the feeling itself is neutral.

-          Anger is a useful emotion – giving you extra power when you need to fight or flee in dangerous situations (or in this day and age, letting you know that something is wrong and in protecting your values / world-view).

-          Anger cannot be removed entirely (and there is no need to try). However, we can manage it. This means you minimise how often you act upon it and to what degree you act.

Okay, now that’s understood, here are a few points for managing your anger.

Dealing with Feeling

The feeling itself is most people’s first point of call; so that’s where we can begin. After a bit of training, we can find the gap before you get to anger; but for now, I’m going to talk about when you’re in that state of anger or high annoyance (or any highly charged emotion).

The example I use during the course is “I’m on the bus, trying to read my book, and someone’s on the phone loudly. I cannot concentrate on the words of my book when someone is practically yelling a conversation from the other end of the bus.”

My old response would be to huff and give evil glares at the people, while trying desperately to read through it – why should I not be allowed to do what I want? I’m not harming anyone.

As I took the course and then began co-leading it, my response has changed. There are a few options that will lead to a new response in your anger-provoking situation:

Question this behaviour.

“Why” are they doing this?

- In what circumstances would you be on the phone and not care if people heard or got upset? What about if some emergency had happened?

- If you were in the middle of a massive argument that could lose you your husband, kids, career or house; would you care about one person on the bus reading a book?

- Perhaps it’s just a cultural difference in what’s seen as rude?

- Perhaps they have hearing difficulties?
They’re not talking loudly to annoy me, but because they’re engaged in their activity. It’s almost never personal.

Similarly, when someone cuts you up on the road, could they be rushing to the hospital or in a blind panic at missing their parent’s last moments? Could they be late for a meeting that could earn/lose them a million pounds? Are they possibly so swamped with work they might lose their house?

Question #1: What could be happening in their lives to cause this behaviour?

Choose To Not Be Right

- They are going to talk no matter what. I’m choosing not to confront them or give in to the anger. Thus something my end has to change.

- What’s the view behind this?

Most views come under a core belief about the world and how people should behave. Try to find the view that links your triggers together. Then we can look at shifting it for this particular moment.

            For me, it’s the fact that I value people being free to do something as long as it does not negatively impact another person. For example, my reading doesn’t impact anyone. Their phone-call does.

- While these people break this view of mine, I feel annoyed for the people who are being affected; myself included.

However, I can either understand that this is my view; not one everyone will hold / have thought about, and accept that it’s not the only view.

Or I can think about creating a new view. Once I decided that I didn’t want to be upset with people who were in a hurry, I tried to change the view I held.

For example, I believe that all people face the same amounts of struggle/ suffering. The things that hurt them may not hurt me, and vice versa; so I need to remember that today, they could be in pain. If someone is sad, is it worth huffing to tell them they’ve upset me as well? Maybe they’ve got enough on their plate.

That’s a spiritual belief of mine that has no proof whatsoever. But it helps me to let go of anger.  While it works in that role, I’m keeping it.

Similarly, it’s unlikely that every car to cut me up is in a serious life/death rush; but by choosing to believe they are; I stop anger before it even develops.

Am I holding to the views they’re breaking?

If they’re having a good time on the phone to their best friend; am I not negatively impacting on them by giving them the evil looks?

Question #2: What views could I create or alter to allow this to pass by and not cause me more pain? What is this view that’s being violated here?

When In the Moment, Get Out of the Moment

Even the counsellor who runs these sessions with me gets angry and loses it sometimes.

Most of anger management is done before the moment arrives; in not letting situations escalate, or not letting the feeling itself bubble over the top of your volcano.

However, no one is immune to getting angry and seeing the “red haze” or whatever you would term it.

In this case, you want to focus on getting out of the moment; either physically moving away form the situation or taking your thought and emotional processes away from the cause of the anger.

- Counting to ten and back to one is a good creator of space in a situation.

- Walking away is also a good one (maybe go for that walk/run).

- Cleaning’s another good one to get the anger out safely.

Question #3: What do you do when anger brews? What could you do to stop that trigger from continuing to bother you? Can you remove it, stop thinking about it, walk away from it?

~

Today’s Tips:

- Open yourself to other perspectives.

- Don’t take it personally.

- People are private. You don’t know what they’re facing.

- You can’t change their behaviour. So let’s change yours.

- Change how you’re wording it.

- Change the view you’re holding onto. It’s not the only one.

- Remove the trigger

- Get to a safe space

- Use some calming techniques

~

That’s it for today. Did it bring up any questions for you?  Post them in the comments section.

Questions for Thought

What are your main views which cause your anger?

What value or belief is underlying it?

How could you redefine that moment to stop causing yourself the pain of anger?
Thanks for reading. Part 2 will be up next week, dealing with preparing for angry situations and the aftermath.

– Rose –

How do I say what I do? (And give myself credit.)

In answering this question from my room, on my blog, I’d say:

“I’m a redefinition alchemist. I use a movement based practise and a mixture of linguistic and psychological tools to help people rewire their brains, and thus their thoughts and experiences; to reshape their worlds. I’m also a mental health worker and a student of neuroscience.”

However, I had to answer this question today, and thus I can tell you exactly how I say what I do:

“I study Neurosicence but I also volunteer a lot.” -add prompting from other person here- “Work? Oh yeah, I teach this dance thing, and work for the Uni.”

-sharp intake of breath as I look from the first version and then to the second-

Whoops! 

I thought I had it down. It looks like I haven’t yet. With so many aspects to my life right now, I find it hard to define exactly which bits to tell people. As this person was a student, I stuck with the “part-time job and full-time student” persona.

However, that’s less than eight hours a week accounted for. Looks like I’ve got some brain-storming to be doing.

How do you fare in this topic?

Is your answer more like my first one, or my second (and thus actual) one?

Thanks for hearing my answer, and please feel free to share yours in return. Either leave me a comment (feel free to ask me more questions about my answers!) or head over to the prompt post to reply.

– Rose –

In my mind, I’ve always held this “honourable” view.

I don’t know where I get it from, because I’ve never met anyone who shares it to the extent that I do, and I’ve had it at least since I was seven.

The view was “You should keep your word; any words you use are a promise, and if you break a promise, you deserve to die.”

I remember so clearly the day I cried because in my heart, I felt I didn’t deserve to live because I’d not been able to keep a promise; I’d been too scared to move.

Yet, as I aged, I found myself telling the odd half-truth, and I remember exactly when I made the last three promises. One was April / May 2007. One was in April 2005 and they promised me the same back. The other was a couple of years even before that.

I learnt not to promise, never to “give my word” and I began to hedge everything with ifs and buts.

Magic: The Opening

In 2009, three other students and I were looking around a student house when I recognised the photo of my friend in one of the bedrooms. He wasn’t in, but I asked his housemate, K, if he lived with my friend.

I also noticed some “magic: the gathering” cards on K’s shelf and commented that I used to play it at college.

He said “I’d be happy to take you to the SWARM society and we could play a game” and I, barely hearing him, said “I’ll think about it” in such a noncommittal manner, I saw his face fall.

Something struck me then. The memory of me as a child, of my word, of honour and honesty. I’d said it, so now I had to think about it.

I saw his face and tilted my head to catch his eye. “I mean it, I really will.”

He didn’t seem convinced, which strengthened my resolve further. To cut the long story short, I contacted my friend and asked if K would give me the details of SWARM. I won the game on a technicality (more than I ever did at college, so yay!) and we’re still friends.

This guy, K, did business studies. When he took me to my first ever gig with another friend of ours, he talked a lot about how the recession was affecting things and how it would continue to affect us. I nodded and only half paid attention again; it was late, my attention was all about seeing a band live (for the first time!) and I had no prior knowledge of business or money to add this new information to.

The next morning, I vaguely remembered having said I’d love to see his essay report on how the financial affairs had come about, once he’d given it in for his coursework. I don’t remember why I’d said that, but I had and thus, a month later, I emailed to ask if I could read it. It was actually very enlightening to read, but the main reason was to keep up this belief (to him and to myself) that I’m still a decent, honest person.

The Point

I didn’t realise it at the time, but in keeping this façade of being an honourable human with just one person, I have come to really value the power of the word; the strength of relationships built on true listening and hearing of each other (these days I listen intently to and understand his business talk).

And it has spread out to other areas of my life. It may take me 6 months, but if I tell you that I’ll do something for you; I will.

- If I say “you know where I am if you need me”, I’m not being polite. I’m seriously passionate about making sure you have the support you need. I have had friends ring me at 2am on the verge of suicide. And I am 100% happy to deal with that.

- I can help you define where you want to be a month from now, and I don’t mind you coming on skype in tears to ask me for that help. Or just for a hug and to listen. If I message you to say I’m here for you, I truly mean it.

Your Turn

In the end, this redefinition was all about my intense need to be in line with my values. I hate hypocrites and I value honour – thus I became honourable.

If you want to redefine how you act and what views you hold, try to be the “new you” with someone you’ve just met. It’s easier if they’re not friends with your closest friends; but even so, in time you’ll be like that with everyone. You can change things slowly, one thing at a time.

What would you shift?

Pick one thing, meet one person (or just change that aspect with someone you don’t know too well yet) and go with it. Leave a comment if you’d like some support or a little nudge in how to go about it all. Seriously.

I think for my next introduction, I’ll practise speaking without “like” or “you know” in every sentence. I’d like to change that about myself.
– Rose –

* That picture is from March this year, sharing a drink at midnight.  I kept my word.