The Play In California

Kobe Bryant Is Here To Tell You His Summer Plans

kccal31@gmail.com (Cayceecal) — Thu, 09 Jul 2009 16:50:00 +0000

Hey America,

It’s your favorite baller, Kobe Bryant, here to give you an update on what I’ve been upto after I got the Lakers to the championship.

Things have been relatively calm in the house of Bryant after I got my ring. You probably think that Kobe Bryant lives life in the fast lane all the time, but you could not be more mistaken my friend. All those stories about me partying, cruising down the streets of Hollywood with celebrities, that’s just a bunch of fabricated news stories that trashy celebrity websites like TMZ or CNN make up. No sir, don’t always believe what you read on the internet, Kobe Bryant is here to tell you that he’s just a normal guy like you or Joe 6-pack, trying to make a decent living for himself. I’m as average and American as apple pie.

Guy walks by.

Excuse me for a moment, there’s something I must attend to.

That’s better. Anyway where was I? Oh yes, my summer plans. Well so far, I haven’t really done much. I think a usually summer day for me starts off with a nice breakfast, eggs and bacon, you know the normal stuff. Then, I rest for a little bit, and then I start the training. A good jog usually does it for me. Gotta keep up that cardio to keep in shape, you know. And then-

Dog runs by.

Oh man, not again. Excuse me once more.

Elbows dog in the face.

That’s better. Sorry about that folks, it’s hard for me to concentrate with all these distractions around! Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, so after my jog, I then hit the courts for a few hours. I practice on everything, my jump shot, my dribbling skills, my rebounding, everything. And I do it 100 percent. You don’t get a championship without practice. Remember that kids. Then-

Shannon Brown walks by.

‘Hey Kobe.’

‘Hey, what the hell man?’

What the hell what, Shannon.

‘Dude you totally elbowed me in the face!’

So?

‘What do you mean so?’

I mean, what’s the big deal?

‘You really don’t know? Dude you can’t just elbow people in the face when you please.’

I can’t??

‘Yeah man, it hurts. It’s totally disrespectful too.’

Hmm…. you know what Shannon, you’re right. I always thought elbowing people in the face was an American past time, that people enjoy it as much as I do. And I’m sure they do. But what I didn’t realize was that maybe there’s something else on the other side of that elbow. Maybe there’s a human being on that other side, and maybe he or she doesn’t enjoy receiving that elbow I so forcefully drove into their cranium.

Wow Shannon, I’m really glad you pointed that out, I’ve learned a lot from this conversation. I admit, I’m not perfect. I’m a human being that makes mistakes. But I feel everyday I’m growing, as a father, as a leader, as a man. Now, I’m going to think long and hard before I dare throw an elbow, because I now realize it’s the wrong thing to-

‘GODDAMNNIT KOBE!!!!’

Eh, I am what I am.

Nostalgia Friday: Alt Rock

kccal31@gmail.com (Cayceecal) — Fri, 22 May 2009 16:51:00 +0000

Back in the mid 90’s, my musical taste was rather limited. It mainly consisted of what was on the radio, Green Day, and the Goo Goo Dolls. Yes, you read right, the Goo Goo Dolls. After admitting that, any musical cred I previously had probably went down the drain. Actually, come to think of it, I still listen to the Goo Goo Dolls. Okay, NOW any musical cred I have is officially down the drain.

Now that my musical tastes have matured just a wee bit (and I mean that in the most ironic of terms) I can now reflect back on the magical era of nine-o and appreciate some of the great alternative rock that came out.

Alternative rock is a curious genre. It’s not quite rock your socks off rock like it’s predecessors in the 80’s, but also not quite as depressing as the grunge that came out in the early 90’s. I made you want to kick ass while feeling slightly suicidal, a mixture of two extremes from the previous time eras. It rocked hard, but was kind of depressing. Actually, a lot of alt rock was depressing, and still is. Sad lyrics, deep thoughts, and a lot of whining about the ladies. Alt rock was like the emo of the 90’s, the only difference being that members of an alt band weren’t pussies. They actually had hard riffs and talent. Instead of seeing a Dashboard Confessionals asshole singing on stage, you got to see people on stage who rocked the fuck out.

A lot of music came from this genre, music I now wish I would have appreciated back then instead of today, but then again I can’t really be too hard on myself, I was only 10 back then.

I wasn’t aware that this song was made in 1985 for a while, but if you didn’t know, you would have thought it came straight from some post-grunge, Seattle angst band. Instead, Dramarama belted out this bad ass song like a bad relationship that threw the chair out the window. Or like the verbal vomit I just spat out. All you hear is desperation in the song, from the changes in chords to the howling yet whiny lyrics. The song takes you for a ride, on the edge of tumultuous times with a lover. The end result is plain awesome.

Then Dramarama became a political band. Poopy.

Melancholy at it’s hardest. Feel the Pain is a bi-polar tour de force in music, with tempo changes that make my head spin. At first, the song seems like a Collective Soul track, but thirty times more depressing. Then, out of no where, the rush picks up and you’re left with clean mini solos that break up all the monotony of the steady verses. When it’s over, you feel like you’ve been on a Prozac induced joy ride. (And ignore the Rock Band video part of it, this was the cleanest version I could find on Youtube).

I’m not sure if HUM qualifies as alt rock, because wikipedia dubs them as ‘space rock.’ I’m guessing space rock paved the way for bands like Finch, At the Drive In, and Thursday, but I would like to say HUM has some alt rock. Basically, mix in ladies with planets and stars, add some minor chords, and boom, you have a recipe for an alt (space) rock favorite.

Garbage was alt rock before they got more and more ‘European’, which is ironic considering three of their members are from Green Bay. Oh, and Shirley Manson is hot, and I’ve had some beers while writing this, so I’m just throwing it in.

I had more songs on this list, but I felt that any other writing would have sounded too forced, so for now, these songs make things all gravy. I know it ain’t sports, but I like it.

Yeah, Wrestling and Basketball Don't Mix

kccal31@gmail.com (Cayceecal) — Tue, 19 May 2009 05:52:00 +0000

‘IF YOU SMELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL WHAT THE ROCK IS……’

Um, am I interrupting something…

The Rock: Carmelo Anthony? What are you doing here? We have an episode of Raw to film today.

Melo: The Rock, what are YOU doing here? We have a game today, and I also thought you quit wrestling to make movies.

The Rock: Yeah well, that career plan didn’t pan out so well. Did you see Race to Witch Mountain?

Melo: No.

The Rock: Yeah, well that’s why I’m back to wrestling.

Melo: I see. Well anyway, we have to work something else. Obviously, there’s a scheduling conflict, and we both can’t…

HOLD ON RIGHT THERE

The Rock: Aww shit, you better hide Melo before it’s too late…

Vince McMahon: Well, well, well, what do we have here? A little dilemma no doubt involving two of the biggest sports companies in the world, the NBA, and my very own World Wrestling Federation. It seems we have a little booking problem, but me and Kroenke sports made a compromise. Instead of delaying Raw or the upcoming Lakers-Nuggets game, we decided to…………….. host both events at the same time!

The Rock: What?

Melo: What?

Chris Anderson: Say what, homeboy?

Melo: God damnit Chris! You only come out of the bus when I tell you to. Now go make me a ham sandwich. Shiet.

The Rock: I used to have the same exact problem with the Road Dogg.

Vince McMahon: Anyway, this is a stupendous idea, great, marvelous! Imagine two of America’s hottest commodities finally joining forces to provide entertainment to the masses. This is what I always envisioned, five minutes ago!

May 25th….

Announcer: Martin steals the ball from Odom, and he’s all alone!! He’s going for the break away slam dunk! But wait, what’s this? Someone is coming onto the court…

Announcer: Ow! Chair shot right into Martin’s face, and the ball has flown out of bounds. It’s not over yet though folks, it looks like The Undertaker is setting Martin for someone to throw the People’s Elbow…

Kobe: Did someone say Elbow?!?!?!

Hi, My Name Is Kobe Bryant, And Today I Would Like To Elbow You In The Face

kccal31@gmail.com (Cayceecal) — Thu, 07 May 2009 06:12:00 +0000

Hi America,

I’m Kobe Bryant, super star basketball from the Los Angeles Lakers. You know, throughout my life, people have always asked me what I really enjoy to do with all my hours. What is my passion, the drive that keeps me alive, the thing that keeps me going everyday? Most people probably think it’s my wife, or my kids, or even basketball. Well, I’m sorry to inform you that most people are wrong. Yes, you heard right. At the end of the day, basketball, love, and money don’t matter if I can’t do what I truly love which is…

…elbowing people in the face.

Yes sir, after a hard days work at the courts, the only thing I really like to do is pour myself a glass of merlot, turn the TV on, plop myself on my nice plush couch, and start elbowing the night away. I pretty much like to elbow anything in sight, my lamp, my car, Mike Bibby, anything that comes my way.

I guess it all started when I was wee little boy at elementary school. One day I was playing basketball with some friends. I had just broken away with a steal and the only person guarding me was my friend Todd. As I drove hard for the easy layup, I noticed there was something wrong with Todd’s cheek. In the few milliseconds I had before the layup was complete, I took a quick look.

Why, it was perfectly clean, no bruises or anything! Then, at that moment, something inside of me ripped to my brain. For some reason, I don’t know why, I lost my sense of control. I remember it quite clearly, my elbow began to swing. I saw it move towards Todd’s face and you know what, I didn’t fight it.

And in a flash, it happened. BAM! Two points, and Todd was on the ground bleeding from the mouth. The other kids quickly ran to Todd to console him and some other kids ran to me to ask me, “what the fuck, man!” I just simple smiled, said “that’s part of the game,” and trotted away, like I do today. And you know what, after it was all over, I felt great about myself. I don’t know what it is. Maybe it was the fact that I scored, maybe it was the fact that I let Todd know no one can defend me, maybe it was the fact that I got away with it. All I knew is, right there and then, I found my calling in life.

And now, I get to do it for a living. Sure, I have to score some points and maybe get some assists here and there, but what really drives me on the court is when I see a defender with a nice, clean face and I get to plant one of these pointy elbows right into their temple. I even gave them names, Sherry and Dr. Pain.

And now, thanks to my influence, my teammates have found the Zen to elbowing. Just ask Luis Scola.

Ahh, nothing makes me happier than seeing an Argentinean eat one. Really makes me feel like I’m making a difference in the world.

The City of San Jose Congratulates You, Anaheim Ducks

kccal31@gmail.com (Cayceecal) — Tue, 28 Apr 2009 05:48:00 +0000

Dearest City of Anaheim,

The city of San Jose would first like to congratulate you on your playoff victory over our beloved Sharks. Coming into the series, you were a tremendous underdog, and we respect that. A lot of people had us going far far far into the NHL playoffs, but your skill, determination, and moxie allowed you to push yourselves past us. As we sit on the sidelines and heal our bruised egos from this crushing loss, we must say we salute you Anaheim, job well done.

San Jose is not unfamiliar with playoff upsets either. In the early days of our beloved Sharks’ NHL existence, we have ousted the likes of Detroit and Calgary in first round upsets. We too know how its like to be the lowest rung in the NHL playoff ladder only to slowly topple the Goliaths, Mike Tysons, Houston Universities, and Michigans of our fair sport. Just like you, we have been David, we have been North Carolina State and Appalachian State, we have been Buster Douglass. It’s no easy feat to face overwhelming odds, but we know of the victory you feel tonight. Good for you.

And with those last words, the City of San Jose only has one thing left to say to you, Anaheim. Fuck you. Fuck you long and hard, tall and wide, thin and short. You think being the Cinderella is cute, that people love the underdog? Well guess what, the Silicon Valley loves that shit, but only when it happens to us, you So Cal pussbags.

And now, the City of San Jose presents to you, City of Anaheim, the destruction of everything you hold dear. Let’s begin.

Fuck the City of Anaheim and everything that comes with it. Fuck the Ducks. It’s real great to know that your team is based off a third rate sports movie starring Emilio Estevez, the lesser talented one of the dreaded Sheen brothers. The first one was okay, the second one was plausible, but the third one was just unnecessary. A team goes from winning the Olympics to being Junior Varsity at a prep school? WTF? And what the hell happened to Jesse Hall in the third one, that kid was bad ass.

Fuck any sports teams associated with Anaheim, mainly the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim. Choose a city for Christ’s sakes. Lose the Anaheim off the name, it makes the Angels sound like they’re some retarded offspring that was banished from Los Angeles and forced to represent a far more inferior So Cal city. Oh, and John Lackey is on my fantasy team right now, and that guy blows.

Fuck California Adventures. Who came up with that idea anyway? Replicating the Golden Gate Bridge, Hollywood, and Yosemite sounds like a great idea for a theme park if they weren’t, you know, only a few hours away. I can’t wait for the next theme park to grace Anaheim: Anaheim Adventures.

And fuck you for the fact that you just call yourselves the Ducks. What happened to the word “Mighty”? (I have been informed the ‘mighty’ was dropped after it was sold to Henry Samueli. Well I have to inform him that he’s also an ass.)

Fuck the Honda Center. I liked it better when it was called the Arrowhead Pond, you sellouts. Oh, so you say we’re the sellouts for changing our sponsor every few years. Well you have a good point, Anaheim, but I have a better one: you’re assholes. San Jose 1, Anaheim 0.

Oh, and on that point, fuck Honda. I drive a Honda Accord 1996, and guess what, it’s a piece of shit. The doors won’t lock and the driver side window is stuck, and you know who I blame it on, you City of Anaheim.

And lastly, fuck Disneyland. There, I said it, what now.

And fuck Downtown Disney. Yeah, you guys have a ESPN Zone, Rainforest Café, and the Disney Monorail there, but do you have the……um………..hm…….. Tiki Lounge? Uh, yeah, that’s what I thought.

In short, once again the City of San Jose would like to say congratulations to the Ducks...... but also a hearty fuck you. In the words of the great Clint Eastwood: “I'll blow a hole in your face then go inside and sleep like a baby.” We know it has nothing to do with hockey, but it’s pretty bad ass.

Sincerely,

The Silicon Valley

Shark Fans Who Are Band Wagons and the Art of Being Truly Dedicated, Again

kccal31@gmail.com (Cayceecal) — Fri, 17 Apr 2009 17:17:00 +0000

Today, an interesting happened today. No, it was not writing this post, even though it was good to write something down after a week and a half long absence. It occurred when I was on facebook. I’m not really on facebook that much, I just mainly use it to pimp out my articles and see what friends are up to once in a while. I decided to give up that whole status update a long time ago after I realized status updates show: a) people aren’t that insightful b) people aren’t that interesting and c) if you tell them point a) or b) they’ll probably think your some pretentious twit even though they are the ones who are pretentious because they think they’re so absorbed in their self importance that they find it offensive you don’t think they’re just not that interest. Ugh, facebook has created a generation of big headed ninnies.

Anyway, the interesting thing I noticed was…. where the hell did all these hockey fans come from?? Every single status update I saw was something complaining about how the Shark’s blew it yesterday. I’m from San Jose, so naturally, a lot of my friends are from the area. However, as I recall, most of them don’t really have a strong hockey acumen. I doubt if they’ve even seen a Shark’s game in its entirety. Hell, I even doubt any of them saw YESTERDAY’S game in its entirety. Yet, I’m sure they did quick check on ESPN.com, saw the Shark’s lost, and then bam, the flood of facebook statuses came out. Or even worse, maybe they didn’t even check the score, maybe they just saw on other people’s statuses that the Sharks lost and they hopped on the comment bandwagon just like they hopped on the Sharks playoff bandwagon.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against rooting for a team if you’re not a die hard fan. There’s nothing wrong with it. You do it, I do it, we all do it. I’m certainly rooting for the Shark’s to win it all, even though, admittedly I haven’t watched a single Sharks game all season. However, the difference between me and so called bandwagons is, sure I’ll root, but I’m not going to sit and complain about the Sharks or act like I’m the biggest fan ever when in fact, I know I’m not. I’ll be sad about the Sharks losing, but I won’t be angry. You know why? Because I’m a fair weather hockey fan, not a die hard one, and only die hard ones get mad about it. I’m not die hard, and neither are most of the people who are moping about it as we speak. Instead, I’ll just say “that’s too bad” then concentrate on teams that are really important to me like the Cal Golden Bears, and the Kansas City Chiefs. (Yeah, I get crap for that too, so don’t bother).

And I definitely won’t take the time to update my stinkin’ facebook status either.

I also would like to point out that even though I admit I’m not a die hard fan, I’m probably more die hard than the so called “die hard” fans I’ve been observing. I can remember the time when I was really into hockey (after the Mighty Duck movies came out) and I followed the Sharks’ miraculous first round upsets against powerhouses Detroit and Calgary. I remember when Irbe was our man, and Friesen was the young rookie. So suck on that.

Last year, I wrote an article about Laker fans and how there was a growing trend of bandwagonry in So Cal. I’m going to go on a limb now and say that this trend is also true for the bay. It is because of all this Shark hooplah that’s been surfacing? No, it’s because of the lack of hoopla for another team that was on the gaining momentum: the Warriors. Remember this?

Where are all the “We Believe” t-shirts now? Probably on the bottom of a pile of dirty rags after it was used to dry up someone’s car. It’s such a shame for real Warrior fans. You may think its rather snobby, but think about logistics. Imagine if you were so dedicated to a team that you watched every single game, knew every single player, and understood every single play, while they stunk. You stuck by them through all the hard times. Now your team finally makes the playoffs, and you’re so excited to get tickets, only to see that all the tickets are gone thanks to a bunch of 5 minute fan cronies sporting their “We Believe” t-shirt. Yeah, I would be pissed to.

In short, the point of this article is not to chastise people for rooting for a particular team, just to chastise people for all the over reaction for something they don’t really care about. In the end, if the Sharks lost, it’s not the end of the world for most of you, but for some people it is, and you will never understand why that is until you earn your fan stripes just like they did.

We're Jumping the Shark! (Format Changes)

kccal31@gmail.com (Cayceecal) — Wed, 08 Apr 2009 04:27:00 +0000

It’s been quite a while since anything has been posted here on The Play in California. For those readers who have been wondering what the hell has been going on and why we haven’t posted in probably 3 weeks, the reason is simple: lack of passion. Lately, I’ve felt that I’ve been some what tied down to the format that this blog presents. It’s tough to only write about all sports in California when the only two sports you care about is college basketball and football. It’s even harder to make anything worth reading when all your posts are half assed.

Thus, there’s going to be a bit of a shake up in the future of this website. I plan writing some new posts starting this week, but there will be several changes.

1) We'll still have our California focus (since it's kind of hard not too, coming from the Bay Area and all), but the scope will sometimes go outside the Golden State. We'll also cover random topics in the world of gaming and entertainment, since I like that stuff.
2) It’s going to focus mainly on football and college basketball
3) Since Ace of Spades is a baseball fan, you might get some baseball stuff snuck in there once in a while
4) Nostalgia Fridays will still be in tact
5) As will Youtube Sundays
6) For laziness sake though, it’s still going to be called The Play in California
7) There’s going to be a mix of short posts and long posts
8) There’s also going to be much more off topic stuff if it’s worth the trouble to post it
9) Posts won’t be up every day. Expect more like once every few days.

So that’s that. And now, a gratuitous photo of Kate Beckinsale. Enjoy.

And for the ladies (and newly acquired Raiders QB Jeff Garcia, this guy):

Yeah, We're Still Alive

kccal31@gmail.com (Cayceecal) — Wed, 01 Apr 2009 05:14:00 +0000

But football and college basketball season are over, so I'm officially running out of shit to write about until next September. So....... drop us a line at mail@theplayinca.com. Send us tips, feedback, nasty emails that will only lower our self esteem, anything! You'll hear from us soon!

Nostalgia Firday: SNES College Slam

kccal31@gmail.com (Cayceecal) — Fri, 20 Mar 2009 15:22:00 +0000

Back in the heyday of the SNES, one game ruled the basketball scene: NBA Jam TE. This was before NBA Live dominated the scene because people just weren’t interested in having realistic stat tracking and game play mixed in with low quality 16 bit graphics. NBA Live was known as NBA Showdown at the time, and that’s when gamers realized that if you want to portray realism in every sense, graphics had to be up to par too. That’s why silly games like NBA Jam were created.

If you don’t know what NBA Jam is, I feel very very sorry for you. What kind of childhood did you have? You probably were that kid that couldn’t score an SNES because a) your parents wouldn’t let you buy one, or b) your parents were total dicks and forbade you from such childhood discoveries such as video games, temporary tattoos, and those gums that looked like cigarettes.

NBA Jam also capitalized on the on going crazy of arcade styles sports. It paved the way for such classics as NBA Blitz and Daytona USA, sports games that in no sense of the way portray realism. I highly doubt at the real Dayton speedway, if you crashed, your car would just harmlessly flip in the air and you’d only have a few dents to show for it.

NBA Jam was a great game too. 40 ft slams, balls being lit on fire, elbows being thrown around like it's a Lakers-Suns game and Raja Bell was in, yup, the game had it all. A little known fact though is that Midway and Acclaim, trying to capitalize on the slamma jamma craze, released somewhat of a sequel called College Slam.

Basically, College Slam was NBA Jam with different teams. Video game companies used to do this a lot, you know. I can remember the countless versions of Street Fighter that were essentially the same game, only to be released as a completely new game. Turbo edition my ass. College Slam let you choose from 32 different teams, and low and behold, Cal was one of them!

If you’re familiar with the NBA Jam format, College Slam is no different. You get two players on the court and its no holds barred. Thus, you had a choice of 2 Cal stars to choose from. However, just like every other NCAA game out there, players’ names were not licensed, thus you had to fill it in yourself. This had its ups and downs. The ups being you could fill your Cal squad with a Cal legends team with players such as Jason Kidd, Shareef Abdul Raheem, um, Rod Benson. Or you could be totally immature and put in a bunch of fake names like Ass Wipe, Amanda Hugnkiss, Hugh Jass, etc. If you’re like me, with the mind of a 10 year old, you’ll choose the latter.

College Slam in every respect was a fun game, but it was no NBA Jam. It just wasn’t fun knowing you couldn’t dominate everyone with the likes of Horace Grant and Latrell Sprewell (pre choking days). Oh well, it’s worth a check out if you have the opportunity.

For those of you expecting a Cal post, expect one Monday. That is all.

At Lunch We Dine On Turtle Soup

noreply@blogger.com (The Filler Guy) — Thu, 19 Mar 2009 16:42:00 +0000

Mmmmmmmmmmmm, Cambell Lovin' Good.

DELICIOSO!!!!

It even comes with a cute little turtle shaped bread, who's head I will bite off!

YUMMMMM!

Some people think this is in bad taste, but lemme tell ya, nothing sure tastes bad about it! Wakka wakka! Go Bears, beat the Terps.

Don't Forget To Fill Out Your CBI Bracket

noreply@blogger.com (The Filler Guy) — Wed, 18 Mar 2009 16:11:00 +0000

If the NCAA Tournament is the Godfather and Godfather II of basketball tournaments, then the NIT would no doubt be the Godfather III of tournaments. Basically, the NIT would be the inferior counter part of a far superior product. Sadly though, there is a tournament even more neglected than the NIT, the CBI. Think of it as the Mafia! of college basketball tournaments. Yeah, I made a Mafia! reference, yeah, THAT movie, the one with Jay Mohr. How that guy has a job and a bangin’ wife, I do not know.

Mmmmmm………..where was I?

While Cal is parading around as this year’s Bay Area darlings in the Big Dance, Stanford will be representing the bay in this year’s CBI. Let’s take a look at their bracket:

As you can see, the CBI only has 16 teams, and I’m pretty sure the selection criteria was just anyone who was a willing participant. The CBI selection committee probably had to fight tooth and nail just to get 16 aboard the tourney ship. Stanford faces a first round match against Boise State this evening, a team only known for their football team and for having a blue football field.

Thus, to once again show that we at The Play in CA are completely not biased in our coverage of teams other than Cal, we encourage you to support the Cardinal. You can watch them play on CBS. Oh wait, ESPN. Uh, ESPN 2. ESPN Ocho? Oh, HDNet, which is a website, not a TV station. I think. Um, cool.

Go Cards… I guess.

The Other California Teams March Madness Preview!

kccal31@gmail.com (Cayceecal) — Tue, 17 Mar 2009 04:10:00 +0000

Since most, okay, all of our writers here at The Play in California are Cal alumni, you’ll no doubt notice that we talk about Cal Basketball a lot. I mean a lot. I MEAN A LOT. Regardless, we like to take pride in the fact that we’re a California sports blog and not a sports blog for Cal. We also like to take pride in the fact that even though we say we offer fair sports coverage for all of California, we in fact are only kidding ourselves. When you have a 50 hour work week and the only sports you can keep up with your own teams, it gets tough to cover everyone else. So lay off!

However, just because we enjoy watching our Cal Golden Bears so much doesn’t mean we can’t take some time to cover the other guys. Thus, with the tournament coming up in a mere two days, I, Cayceecal, would like to offer to you the Other California Teams March Madness Preview!

UCLA Bruins (I’m sure the bear shown above is some sort of pedophile)

Record: 25-8
Coach: Ben Howland
Key Players: Darren Collison (G), Josh Shipp (G), Alfred Aboya (F-C)

Overview: Everyone (ESPN, Yahoo, Sports Illustrated) has been saying that UCLA is primed for an upset at the hands of VCU this opening round, but I say fuck that. Not for any logical reason really. VCU does have the upset factor instilled them with a similar 11 over 6 upset two years ago against Duke, and they are a perimeter shooting offense, the type the UCLA can struggle with, but seriously man, UCLA is terribly underrated this year simply because they come from the Pac-10. For some reason, in the past few years, whenever UCLA is in it to win it, they’re primed for a good run. They’ve made it to the Final Four the past 3 years, what’s to stop them now? Nothing, other than the fact that they kind of suck, I guess. So they won’t make it to the Big Big Dance, but hey, they’re not getting downed by VCU either. Suck on that, Dan Wetzel.

Prediction: A second round loss at the hands of Villanova

USC Trojans (I had know idea JBL coached the Trojans)

Record: 22-10
Coach: Tim Floyd
Key Players: Taj Gibson (F), DeMar DeRozan (F), Lil Romen (G) – just kidding, he sucks

Overview: After their miracle run in the Pac-10, the USC Trojans some how slipped into the tournament much like how their namesake slips into…. uh, you get the joke. This year, USC has been kind of like the Zach Morris of the Pac-10. Like Morris, they have unlimited potential, yet their immature, lazy attitude gives them the perception of underachiever. Then, just like a special Saved By The Bell episode, they end up getting a 1500 on the SAT’S causing everyone (including an enraged Jessie Spano) left wondering what the fuck. Well guess what folks, USC is ready to play now, and in another extremely foolish guarantee that will no doubt cause me to lose next month’s rent, I’m saying they are Sweet 16 material. By the way, this blog is not responsible for any broken legs you may suffer from Johnny the Shark.

Prediction: A Sweet 16 loss to Kansas

CSU Northridge Matadors (This is the best I could get with a Google Image search. I shit you not)

Record: 17-13
Coach: Too Lazy to Wikipedia It
Key Players: Rob Haynes(G), Tremaine Townsend (F), Josh Jenkins (G)

Overview: CSU is a school from California. They are from Northridge. Their mascot is the Matador. Um, and they’re playing Memphis in the first round. Yup, that’s all that needs to be said about them.

Prediction: NCAA Champions. And when I say champion, I actually mean they will be embarrassed handily by the Memphis Tigers.

St. Mary’s Gaels (Get ready to dance!)
Recor- oh yeah…

….just remembered about the not making the tournament and getting screwed over by the selection committee thing. My bad.

So there you have it. Now that all the unimportant California schools are out of the way, get ready for a ten page, in-depth analysis (now with new charts and graphs!) of Cal’s tournament chances tomorrow. Told you we were fair and balanced.

Nostalgia Friday: A Long, Long Time Ago

noreply@blogger.com (The Filler Guy) — Fri, 13 Mar 2009 17:33:00 +0000

We travel to a time ages ago, to a place that seems like a distant dream, to a place that seems like it echoes only in our mind.

I'm talking about February 26, 2008, the last time Cal played USC.

And we won!!!

Uh, yesterday, not so much:

Get ready #8 seed, because Cal is coming after ya!

The Day I Broke Patrick Christopher's Computer

kccal31@gmail.com (Cayceecal) — Thu, 12 Mar 2009 05:31:00 +0000

WARNING: The following article you are about to read has very little to do with sports, other than the fact that it stars a college basketball player. It is probably the nerdiest thing you will ever read on this site, but if you’re someone from the blogging world, then at least your inherent geekiness will soften the blow. You have been warned.

As Cal gets ready for the Pac-10 tournament today, I’d like to share this anecdote for all you Cal fans involving a personal encounter with a certain Cal Basketball Hero.

Way back in October before the college basketball season started, I was assigned a simple task from my old roommate, fix her friend’s computer. Both of us are Cal graduates, and unfortunately for me, I graduated with a Computer Science major. Graduating from this major comes with many positives and negatives. The positives are ease of finding a job compared to, oh philosophy major, vast knowledge of the internet, and free up to date software given to us from Berkeley. The negatives are dealing with nerds in your class, being labeled a nerd, and the assumption that you know how to fix everyone’s computer. Everyone makes this assumption, EVERYONE.

Normally, when someone asks me if I can fix their computer, I’m usually a little hesitant to do so, mainly because I don’t want to be held responsible if I accidentally destroy said computer. However, since it was my roommate was phoning in a favor, I happily obliged. I was even more excited when I found out the client was none other than Cal’s favorite number 23, Patrick Christopher.

Before I continue, I should probably back track a bit. Pat and my old roommate have been pretty good friends for some time. Thus, it was a common thing to have Pat stop by unexpectedly to hang out. Here’s a picture of him chilling at our apartment for those who think I’m pulling shenanigans:

He’s using my roommates Mac because his computer is clearly busted, thus the point of this article. And yeah, our apartment is really messy.

At first, I was rather star struck to the idea that the star of Cal Basketball was loungin’ in our apartment on random days, but after a while, it became a regular thing and wasn’t that big of a deal. I also have to say that Pat is a really cool guy. He’s down to earth and very mellow, and most of all, a very humbled kind of guy. Thus, when my roommate told me his computer had a virus, it didn’t really bother me to offer some help.

The next day when I got home from work, Pat came over to drop off his computer so that I could repair it. I thought some simple anti virus software would do the trick. I did it before for another friend’s computer, so why should this be so difficult? Just download some anti virus software then presto, computer is good as new!

Two minutes later, I sent Pat’s computer into the blue screen of death. For those of you unfamiliar with the blue screen of death, it’s basically a screen that pops up after the Windows XP loading screen is finished:

After you get this little baby, you can pretty much say goodbye to windows, because you ain’t gettin’ back in it. All you can do is a reformat, and of course tell Cal’s star basketball player that you just destroyed his computer.

Pat was pretty calm about the situation. He kept saying “don’t worry about it” but deep inside, I’m sure he was thinking “worry about it!” Pat also informed me that it wasn’t really the functionality of the computer he was worried about, but rather the data on the computer. Within the heaping wreck of a hardware that I turned the computer into were cherished photos, files, and probably some game footage. In college, there is nothing more valuable to a student than memories, and I may have blue screen of deathed them away from existence.

After that day, I told Pat that the problem would probably need a few more days while I scrambled to find a solution. Reformatting was easy, but finding a way to pull the data was not.

My first choice was to call some data recovery experts. How expensive could it be right? 50, 60 bucks? Try 2000. Wow. I can’t really fathom what kind of data would be worth that much, unless you had some Jack Bauer nuclear codes in your computer.

My friend Dan then informed me getting out with hardware. If I could pull out his hard drive and plug it into my computer using an adapter, it might work. Here is the adapter he pointed me to:

It’s a basic IDE&SATA – USB convert it. Think of it as a way to turn your internal hard drive into an external one, thus allowing another computer to treat it as a travel drive that you can use to transfer files from hard drive to hard drive. In all, Dan’s suggestion made sense, so it was worth a shot. And the adapter only cost 20 bucks, much cheaper than trying the Jack Bauer option (the data recovery, not torturing my computer for the information).

After I got it set up, I plugged the adapter into my computer and prayed for mercy, only to be rejected like a Mark Madsen jump shot. Apparently, Pat’s hard drive was partitioned more than once, making some discs unrecognizable to the standard Windows XP operating system. Crap. My experimenting failed. All the meanwhile, Pat was patiently waiting for his computer back, continuing to tell me he was cool with what’s going on. Good thing Pat was being such a good sport. If I was fixing Tyler Hansbrough’s computer, I’m sure my liver would have been disemboweled already.

At that point I was stuck. Really stuck. Stuck on how to fix his computer, stuck on how to break the news that I couldn’t fix his computer, stuck on dealing with the possibility that Pat was going to have me banned from Cal basketball games for the rest of the season. My last shot was asking my friend who actually worked for Microsoft. If anyone could help me navigate through a Windows error, it must be him, right?

And I was right! The only ironic thing was that his fix involved NOT using Windows. Instead, he told me to create a Linux boot cd, run the Linux OS straight from the CD, and then I would be able to use a Windows like operating system to transfer files from Pat’s internal hard drive to an external hard drive.

Genius. Two hours later, Pat’s files were safe and his computer was reformatted.

So what’s the moral of this story? Never offer to fix someone’s computer. Ever. EVERRRR! Unless you happen to be my friend from Microsoft, and not me.

Oh, and the other moral is that Patrick Christopher is a really cool guy. From what my old roommate tells me, Pat’s computer is a little messed up still from my workings (once again, sorry Pat). If someone messed up my computer like I did, well I would be pretty pissed. Not Pat though. Off the court, he’s calm, laid back, and a nice guy.

On the court, though, he’ll fuck you up. Word.

Ugh, Now That The Bubble Has Hit The Fan, My Life Is Meaningless

kccal31@gmail.com (Cayceecal) — Wed, 11 Mar 2009 05:00:00 +0000

Yeah, I saw that Butler lost today. I got so upset, I've been passing nothing but kidney stones, and now it burns when I pee. Shiet.

It's too bad the bubble has officially burst, so to speak. Damn, that analogy is pitiful, no wonder ESPN won't let me write full articles. Now I have to scramble back and predict some more meaningless bubble talk. Let's just throw in some wild cards, like saying San Jose State is going to win the WAC tournament. It can happen. Is St. Mary's going to make it or not? The fuck if I care, just look at their SOS to figure it out. Their RPI is to college basketball what my journalistic acumen is to college basketball. I don't even know what that means, MAN.

Excuse me for all this, I've been hitting the bottle pretty hard after the Horizon League Finals. I really believed in the system. I believed that if you work hard through life you'll be rewarded by having a coasty job as an analysts who predicts who is going to make it into the tournament. What, that job is already occupied by Lunardi?

Well at least I had integrity, okay? I had Butler in as a auto-bid, I mean I put my reputation on the line! And now it's gone, all gone!

Ugh, wake me up when it's last call at O' Malley's pub, because until then, I'll be swimming in my own sulking misery.

2 Cal Players Shine -- First Team All PAC-10

noreply@blogger.com (Ms. Automatic) — Tue, 10 Mar 2009 06:21:00 +0000

It's time to celebrate for Cal.

But wait, let's backtrack and take a look at last year so we can get a sense of how far Cal has come along this season. If you do not know, former Coach Ben Braun was the reason for much of my (venting) blogs last year. He led our Cal bball team to a 6-12 Pac-10 record, and finally (& I give myself a pat on the back b/c my venting was not in vain) he got the boot. Now, we shouldn't be celebrating in another's misery, but come on! I blame Ben Braun for not maximizing on the potential and skills of the Cal bball team. So Ben Braun's kick to the curb was long overdue. He needed out, and Cal needed a miracle.

Braun, "I just don't get it. Why can't I get the Bears to win?"

Here comes Coach Al Montgomery. He was the man at Stanford who left to coach the Golden State Warriors. And well, the recap is: he wasn't so successful in that NBA endeavor. He took to some commentating and with Braun's exit, Big Monty got offered the Cal coaching job. Fingers crossed, many looked to this experienced coach as Cal's possible basketball savior. And to his credit, there was a Cal basketball renaissance.

Patrick Christopher and Jerome Randle have now been named to the All Pac-10 First Team.
To be honest, I really don't understand what this means, except that it's a good thing. And according to my friend, it's a really good thing because only 10 players from the Pac-10 are chosen and honored with this accolade.

Jerome Randle probably hitting a 3. He did this frequently

As an ardent Cal bball fan, I am proud of the accomplishments of these two players. Last year upset me: one player shined. But this year, Monty made things different. With teamwork, the Bears improved and finished in the Pac-10 with an 11-7 record, and 22-9 overall.

As Cal steps into the Staples Center on Thursday, 3/12/09, at 6pm, we will see how they fare against Lil Romeo and his Trojans. As the #3 seed in the Pac-10, hopefully the Bears prove to critics that they can compete all season long, no matter if it's in LA or wherever the NCAA sends them.

Go Patrick!
Let's feel that energy on Thursday!

YouTube Sundays: Digger Phelps Get Hyphy

noreply@blogger.com (andy li) — Sun, 08 Mar 2009 10:55:00 +0000

Too bad Cal lost to UCLA...

Nostalgia Friday: The Music Of Tetris On The NES

noreply@blogger.com (The Filler Guy) — Fri, 06 Mar 2009 07:30:00 +0000

The original Tetris on NES is no doubt a classic to many gamers around the world. While this masterpiece has no particular relation to sports or California, I’m pretty sure athletes and Californians enjoyed this game as much as I did when I was a kid. Okay, maybe not so much the athletes, because if you were a kid on the NES and you played Tetris, you were a dork. When Megaman, Mario, and Link were calling all the cool kids to play them, the L-Block was bringing in the intellectually stimulated (aka dweebs).

Like any good game, Tetris was a challenge. Also like any good game, Tetris had great music. Back in the days of NES, music selection was scarce. You didn’t have grandiose soundtracks like you do nowadays. These days, the Final Fantasy games have award winning composers creating their soundtracks. Back then, it was usually just a lonely sound engineer figuring out how to make the next midi file sound slight different from the other.

But like I said before, Tetris was the exception. In the next 3 paragraphs, I will share and compare the three musical classics.

TETRIS TYPE A

What many people forget about the original Tetris on the NES is that it never had the classic jingle that is normally associated with Tetris. You know what I’m talking about, that jingle that sounds like it’s straight from a Russian Communist Theme Song Booklet. Here’s a sample below:

That’s the orchestrated remix found on Smash Brothers. Pretty crisp and classy. Nope, the original Type A sound on the NES was more like this;

I used to always associate this song with Christmas because it sounded like it belonged in the Nutcracker. Maybe it is in the Nutcracker. I don’t know, I’m not cultured enough to really tell. It’s a sad world when you get all your opera and ballet music from video games, but I’ll deal with it. I give it *** stars (out of 4).

TETRIS TYPE B

Type B is a classic. It’s peppy and fast, the kind of music that makes you really feel like you have to cram out the Tetris juice since the music makes you think so damn rushed. It’s the kind of song you want at pressure time because damnit, it’s you just FEEL like you have to think faster due to the tempo. The only problem with this song is I couldn’t never really figure out its origins. It sounds like some kind of old folksy olde English dance song mixed in with Persian strings. Yeah, strike 2 on the culture awareness. In any case, it’s my favorite **** stars.

TETRIS TYPE C

Ugh, the worst song. Every time I play this song, it’s so hard to stay awake, and it’s even harder when I realize I’m playing Tetris. No Stars!

Hopefully that last song didn’t bore you out so much that you’re on the keyboard ready to doze off. Remember, it’s the music that made you sleep, not the article. In any case, video game music lives forever, and this nerd can enjoy his nostalgia for another day.

Update: I forgot the Tetris song NOT on this game was also used in a classic Simpsons bit. Enjoy!

Sorry 49ers, I Can't Play In This Den of Sin!

kccal31@gmail.com (Cayceecal) — Thu, 05 Mar 2009 17:55:00 +0000

Hi again my brothers. You may have heard the news that yesterday, I respectfully decided to sign with the Cardinals, ending my week long search for football salvation. It was a tough decision, but as I told the SF Gate, "I just felt God say, 'You're supposed to be in Arizona.'" When the holy creator of all that is good and right tells you you have to stay in Arizona, you do it. Unless you’re a dirty hedonist!

Excuse me for that outburst.

Even before my decision, I already knew that my heart was set in the desert. I thought I could save San Francisco, but I’ve come to realize that some things just can’t be saved. I realized this on my visit their the past day.

A few days earlier.

Thank god (and I did thank him) that the headquarter visit is over! Mr. York sure does love to talk, and it was boring me. I had to think about which Bible verse I would e-mail to Larry just to pass the time. Well at least that’s over, now it’s on to sight seeing. Let’s see, I guess I’ll first head over to Union Square…

Save the planet, save the planet!

Gad zooks, what is this debauchery?! These young women are barely clothed! I can see their shoulders and cleavage and everything. Overload, overload! Feeling woozy, must get out of here, quick Kurt, use you’re football acumen to find an escape.

Phew, that’s better.

This is your Cable Car Driver. Next stop, Broadway.

Ahhh, what’s this! Women?!! Strip clubs?!?! Boobies?! My eyes are burning, aggh, I have to get off this hell ride.

Jumps off cable car while it is still moving down a steep hill. Rolls down hill and falls face first into the ground is unconscious. Three hours later….

Ugh, where am I? What happened? My face is so sore, I think I need medical assistance.

The ground begins to faintly rumble.

What’s that? It feels like the earth is moving. Is this an earthquake? Wait, what’s that coming at me?

AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THEY'RE COMING RIGHT AT ME!!!!!!!!!!!! I GOTTA GET AWAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WORST DAY EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And that was that. After I ran for my life away from the gay pride parade, I hopped on the next flight available back to Arizona. There you have it football fans, the contract signing journey of Kurt Warner has ended. Next time I head to the city by the bay, I’ll be ready:

Cell phone rings.

Hold on real quick, I have a picture message coming in from the Arizona Church Community:

Looks like Leinart’s acting up again, to the Christ-mobile!

I'd Love to Play In San Francisco, Just Do Something About All Those Sinners!

kccal31@gmail.com (Cayceecal) — Wed, 04 Mar 2009 07:07:00 +0000

Hello my brothers. There has been a lot of talk lately about my future and where I plan to play football next year. The Cardinals have yet to close me in on a deal, so I want to look at my options. I’ve been on a pilgrimage of some sort, an exodus as you will, just like our savior’s savior Moses. In this way, I feel like my journey to find another team hasn’t only been a journey about football, but rather more of a spiritual type of journey.

That is why I decided to make San Francisco my first stop on my quest for the higher plane. Let me tell you right now, San Francisco is a beautiful city. The weather is none too dry yet none too cold. The landscape is breathtaking with several nice views among the hilly streets. The architecture is truly a holy wonder in itself. I mean just look at this one:

Awe-inspiring. Too bad that ugly building behind it ruins the shot. Most importantly though, San Francisco is the perfect place for me for this simple fact: there are so many heathens here! I am, after all, on a mission to not only find redemption among myself, but also among my fellow brothers and sisters who also live on God’s green earth. And just look at this place. No seriously, look at it!

The God that fills my heart up with the holy spirit weeps. This city needs my divine powers more than ever.

Every district must be purified. I go to Chinatown and what do I see? Bootleggers and types of meet that only Satan would eat. God intended that man would not subject themselves to thievery, and guess what, watching a stolen copy of Apocolypto is thievery! No ifs, ands, or buts. And have you seen what people eat when they have Dim Sum?

The Church does not approve. I’ll stick with my ice milk, thank you very much. Soon, you will too.

Then there’s the Broadway district. If I sign with the Niners, I personally plan to make it my goal that all the adult clubs on Broadway be replaced by either churches, bible youth group facilities, or a gyms so that upcoming Christian Rock Groups can have concerts in them. These harlots must be put away!

People say that San Francisco was the leader in the sexual revolution. Well Kurt Warner is here to lead another kind of revolution, one that promotes abstinence and not these dirty dens of sins.

And don’t get my started about the Castro.

No seriously, don’t, I have a notice from my lawyer telling me to refrain from commenting about the Castro. I don’t want to pull a Tim Hardaway or anything.

Fear not though city by the bay, Jesus was able to save man from all his sins, and I plan to do the same. I’ll leave you with a powerful quote. It’s one of my favorites:

“Praying always with all prayer and supplication in the Spirit, and watching thereunto with all perseverance and supplication for all saints. (Ephesians 6:18)” Think about it my brothers.

San Francisco, your savior is found!

I'm So Kind Of Excited I Could Calmly Walk Into A Wall Of Some Sort

kccal31@gmail.com (Cayceecal) — Tue, 03 Mar 2009 05:05:00 +0000

So this guy is my beloved Kansas City Chiefs’ new quarterback:

Jake Gyllenhaal the non gay version.

God I’m so confused now. On one hand the Chiefs have a solution to the rotating door that is their starting quarterback job, on the other hand, it’s Matt Cassel. Yeah, Matt Cassel, the guy who lead the Patriots to an 11-5 record and they STILL missed the playoffs. Maybe I should just use that hand to slap myself in the face.

In all honesty, it could’ve been worse. The Chiefs could have ended up in the media frenzy revolving around where Mike Vick is heading to now that his days as a full time dog fighter (part time football player) is officially coming to an end soon. Yet, the main lingering thought I have in my mind is that Tyler Thigpen didn’t really seem that much worse than Matt Cassel. Sure Cassel had decent stats but did he catch a touchdown pass? I think not!

Who needs wins when your quarterback can do that? Okay, Kansas City does, but that’s beside the point.

Matty Ice 0.5 also had Randy Moss and Wes Welker. We have Dwayne Bowe, an aging Tony Gonzo, and if we’re lucky, a piece of toast to throw to. Who’s the other receiver on the Pats? Jabbar Gaffney? Yeah, Kansas City would kill for a Jabbar Gaffney, it’s that pathetic.

Upgrading from Thigpen to Cassel is like putting a hotel on Baltic Avenue when you’re playing Monopoly: it looks like a sound investment, but in reality, you’re stuck with a hotel in Baltic Avenue while the guy who struck the deal to you gets to keep his cushy palace on the Boardwalk. I’m officially changing Cassel’s nickname from Matty Ice 0.5 to Baltic Avenue.

So all in all, I can’t really say I feel anything about this trade. It’s kind of like watching Benjamin Button. Everyone says it’s a good thing, but after you sit down and think about it, you realize you just wasted your time on that. I have a feeling it’s going to be like that next year when Baltic Avenue helps us squeak into the playoffs with an 8-8 season at best, and then we get obliterated by the Colts. Now I know how it’s like to be a Chargers fan: wrapped in complacency.

Breaking News About Manny Ramirez

kccal31@gmail.com (Cayceecal) — Thu, 26 Feb 2009 09:43:00 +0000

Psyche! You thought there was going to be an analysis on Manny’s contract situation huh? Well fuck you! With every other major and non major media outlet covering “America’s” sport, why should I taint this blog with the wretched stench of the steroid, money whoring giant known as la basebol? It seems that these days, watching the media circus revolving around baseball is actually more entertaining than watching a full game of baseball. There’s plenty of stuff to keep us enthralled so that we don’t have to realize how boring baseball actually is. You have A-rod and his loosy goosy happy times with the needle, the utter obnoxiousness of the Bostonian crowd, and of course this asshole:

And now we have Manny Ramirez’s will he or won’t he tension that he enjoys playing so well with the LA Dodgers. And with the mainstream media. Last time I checked, most people don’t give a shit until the contract has actually signed. Oh, but lest we forget, this is Manny Ramirez we’re talking about, anything he does we just HAVE to report on it. Oh, he walked down his street to pick up the newspaper? Well, this is clearly a sign then that he wants a better contract. You say you saw him at Lucky’s picking up a bottle of orange juice? Did he happen to tell the bagger what his future plans were? Quick somebody find out now, we must know… NOW!!!!

Ugh, give me a break. Worst of all is that we never can get a straight answer

Why can’t it be as simple as football. A normal football off season headline reads as so: “Jacobs signs 5-year deal for 25 million.” A simple baseball off season headline? “The Dodgers made their third offer to Manny Ramirez, this one similar to offer No. 1.” So did he take that offer? Yes? No?! NO?! YES?! Oh, he hasn’t said anything yet? Then why the fuck should I care?!? I ask myself that question a lot concerning anything involving baseball.

Manny and the mainstream media, please just tell me when he does or doesn’t sign back with the Dodgers, I’m tired of all this unwanted suspense. It’s like I’m watching an episode of Grey’s Anatomy for Christ sake, and I do not want THAT to happen.

It seems like this is always the case with news reporting on baseball. A lot of speculation for month and months until we finally get a real answer. Speculation about steroids in baseball, speculation about Pete Rose and gambling, and now the three ring circus of the contract signing. Fuck me.

But no, I’m not going to feed into all this hype and speculate on what Manny is going to do while he is Manny being Manny. Instead, I’ll keep to my crude jokes, toilet humor, and fun characters of a pot infested Barry Zito. Take that kind sire and be on your way if you’re looking for a real story! Ha! That flirty contract heathen known as Mr. R will not seduce me into his media bed only to pull the rug from under me when I think I finally have the scoop.

If I want to get cock teased, I’ll just head over to Columbus Street instead. So suck it Manny, suck it baseball, suck it hard. Word life, biatch.

Baron Davis Barks Back

noreply@blogger.com (andy li) — Wed, 25 Feb 2009 10:27:00 +0000

The Los Angeles Clippers suck. Their constant sucking is so bad it's become tautologous. It is just despicable. After being called a dog by T.J. Simers of the Los Angeles Times, Baron Davis is barking back.

"Are you seriously blaming me for how bad the Clips are doing? Just look at the team. I am not dogging anything. My heart and soul is with this team. I'm making $65 million in the next 5 years because I believe in this team. I believed in Golden State. Now I believe in Los Angeles. Excuse me for a moment while I represent LA..."

(Baron Davis turns around to throw the first pitch for the Los Angeles Dodgers.)

"Boom Dizzle can not win a championship on his own. It's not my fault Elton Brand, my former friend, ditched LA. It's not my fault Marcus Camby's a tree stump. It's not my fault Al Thornton plays like shit. It's not my fault Chris Kaman looks like the Geico caveman. It's not my fault the Clippers suck. I'll only take the blame if you believe that I'm worse than the Sam Cassell/Shaun Livingston days. Dahhh, I need a potty break!"

(B-Diddy takes a break from his potty break to enjoy a Lakers game with Adam Sandler to go over a new movie script.)

"I came back home to South Central to lead the Clips to an NBA championship, man. I'm here to show the kids we can dream big. Hollywood's great and all, but it's all about the game of basketball for me. Nothing else. Those Lakers nachos are killing me, potty break #2?"

(Baron calls up old high school buddy Kate Hudson to grab another quick bite.)

"Everyone keeps talking about Baron this, Baron that. Get off my balls! Everyone hangs out with their friends. Don't blame me for hanging out with my friends. Don't blame me if they're celebrities. Don't blame me if they got connections to the film industry. Why am I the bad guy here? Jesus Christ, I need to vent. I'll be right back."

(Baron does a quick interview alongside Jessica Alba and Cash Warren for his new documentary, Crips and Bloods: Made in America.)

"I wasn't traded at the deadline, thank God, but if I was, I would've appreciated any other team out there. Houston, Dallas, Golden State, Los Angeles, it's all the same. Any day, any night, if I'm not bothered by this injury or that injury, I go out there on the court and give my full half focus for the whole half of the game. Now if you would wait a couple hours, Steve Nash is coming in town so I have to show him around, since you know, he's Canadian, and we're in California."

(B-Diddy and Stevie Nash takes a long bike ride from the Santa Monica pier down past Newport Beach to hang out at Kobe's place.)

"Like I said before, the Clippers need a team effort, I can't do everything alone. I feel like I'm contributing my $65 million every night. Others, I can not say, but I definitely don't tolerate a bunch of big name, big contract players who's out wandering the wonderful streets of Hollywood investing their time and money on their movie producing career. When I'm not dishing assists on the court, I'm out helping the community. Look, I even took a part-time gig at the local McDonald's."

At that point, Mr. Baron Davis was exhausted from the interview and the mini errands he had to run in between, so he called it quits. He ended the night at the local five star hotel to "relax" a bit, where he showed his true self, as described by what is left of the Delinda Lombardo story.

No wonder this is how Los Angeles fans think of Baron Davis:

Don't you wish you were still a Golden State Warrior, Boom Dizzle?

Have You Ever Written An Offseason Update.........On Weed?!

kccal31@gmail.com (Cayceecal) — Tue, 24 Feb 2009 05:01:00 +0000

What up internet. This is Barry Z broadcasting to you live from the most chill place in the world, Planet Zito. The Play in CA has kindly offered me a guest spot on this blog, so I said sure why the hell not. But first, I had to figure out what a blog was. Was it video? Was it a new animal? Was it the name of my new gardener? And more importantly, did you know that if you replaced the L and the O, with an O and an N, you’d spell bong? Fuckin’ gnarly man. With that kind of mind power behind me, I knew it would only be a matter of time until I knew what this blog thing.

Two hours of weed and 10 minutes of wikipedia later… I finally did it… I finally passed “Six” on Expert in Guitar Hero. I even go the nerd from the IT department to post it on Youtube for me. Look at that shit:

Man that solo is so sick. It makes you THINK man.

Then four hours of weed and 20 minutes of CNN later… I took a nap. But then! Oh then I finally figured out what this blogging thing was all about! So from my guess, a blog is where people write their thoughts and feeling about stuff online so that other people online (aka dorks) can read their emotions or whatever. Yeah, I know what you’re thinking, man this sounds pretty complicated. That’s what I thought too! It gave me such a headache. You know what cures a headache… mushroom pizza! Man, all that internet researching really gave me the food wantin.’ And Sublime listening. And guitar shredding!

BUT NO! Planet Zito made a promise to his citizens to finish this blog post, and Planet Zito delivers. Like Sketchy Mike out on the corner of Telegraph. He has the best stuff. Like me. Man, that comparison totally came full circle. It’s like I’m the chariot son of the Hindu avatar Matsya getting ready to deliver Nirvana to the lower plane. You, my friend, are the lower plane. So get ready to feel some heaven.

Before writing this blog post, I had to think of a topic, so I smoked a bowl to get the creative juices flowing. You say you saw that coming, that it’s too predictable? Well fuck you man. If that’s the case, maybe the creative juices aren’t flowing enough. Maybe I should just smoke another one.

Five minutes later (I typed that action comment too, trippy huh?)

Oh man, oh man, it’s like I’m writing my off-season update right now, but at the same time, you’re reading it, not right now! And you ever notice how much right sounds like write? That is crazy, padre!

So what did I do during the off-season? Well I’ll tell you what I didn’t do, kids. Steroids. There’s been a lot of talk about the big S word these days. Seems like people can’t get enough of steroids this. Everywhere in the paper, it’s A-Rod this, or Barry that. Man, I was teammates with Barry Bonds, for like two years, I think, and let me tell you something, he’s not THAT interesting. I should know, I spent the last 2 years with the guy. Or not. The last 5 years of MY life have been kind of hazy.

But yeah, back to steroids. I just don’t understand the concept. What does it do for you? I mean sure, it helps you get big muscles super fast, helps with recovering from injury, helps you perform at your physical peak, but seriously , what does it REALLY do for you? Does it help you get to the moon or invent a rocket powered pony? No. Does it help you write a Ken Kesey novel, or better yet, read a Ken Kesey novel? No. Does it help you get into Alyssa Milano’s pants? Hell no. Steroids is lamesville.

Remember kids, stay away from steroids. Drugs are bad for you. Well except the reefer, that’s not a real drug anyway. And shrooms, but they never hurt. Oh, and LSD, we all know that’s not a hard drug. But yeah, stay away from cocaine, because that stuff is dangerous. And for football players.

Nostalgia Friday: Ken Griffey Jr. Seattle Mariner

noreply@blogger.com (andy li) — Fri, 20 Feb 2009 10:33:00 +0000

Welcome back to 1989!

Box office hits are Lethal Weapon 2, Back to the Future Part II, Ghostbusters II, The Little Mermaid, License to Kill, Honey, I Shrunk the Kids, and When Harry Met Sally.

Prince, Madonna, Duran Duran, New Kids On The Block, Erasure, R.E.M, Paula Abdul, The Bangles, Cher, Elvis Costello, and Depeche Mode are topping the music charts.

George H.W. Bush is the US president, gas is under $1.00, stamps are only $0.25, Nintendo just introduced Gameboy, The Simpsons aired its first episode, the Berlin Wall came down, student protests occurred in Tiananmen Square, and Ken Griffey Jr. made his major league debut, hitting a double in his first at-bat and hitting a homer in his first at-bat in the Kingdome.

Fast forward 20 years; Junior is back to where it all began. Carrying the prettiest swing in baseball, The Kid can still hit the long ball without the steroids, unlike a certain other someone. He's 38 and may not fly to chase down balls in the outfield like he's 18 again, but he's Ken Griffey Jr.

Seattle may have had the worst year in sports history, and that trend will most likely continue, but Junior will give the city something to cheer and reminisce about.

1995 was pretty much their best year when they made it to the ALCS, but that's about it. 2001 was a season to remember when Ichiro stole the show winning the Rookie of the Year and AL MVP awards, while the Mariners won 116 games, but they couldn't even get out of the first round of the playoffs.

The past nor the future doesn't look good for the M's, but we can all think back and enjoy the days when Junior was patrolling the outfield, Omar Vizquel dancing around the infield, Jamie Moyer looking much younger and Randy Johnson throwing 100 mph. Now add in Ichiro in right field, Edgar Martinez at DH, John Olerud, Raul Ibanez, Alex Rodriguez, Bret Boone, and Felix Hernandez. That's a true All-Star team. Don't you wish the M's and Safeco Field could turn back the clock and compete with all those players together?

Too bad dreams never come true, and the reality is that the Seattle Mariners are still with the bottom feeders of the American League. Don't get me wrong, Seattle's an awesome city and I love it, but if I could ask Ken Griffey Jr. to do one thing, please bring back your Nike Air Griffey Max and rock it when I see you this spring.