The Playbook for Men

Your Turn

2010-01-25T10:54:00.002-06:00

So, my wife and I both find the return home to a Sitter from a night out with friends to roughly parallel a walk of shame. Slurring, a lame attempt to find out 'how everyone was', or even worse, to engage them in personal discussion that you never had upon their arrival 'cause you were so excited to get out the door, are all unpleasant that late at night...for me anyway. For years, I've been successful at artfully dodging any engagement with said Person, until my wife finally caught on to me.

Turns out she hates it too. To determine who will greet the Sitter now, we have developed a highly organized, complex and random scheme: Rock, Paper, Scissors on the way home. Granted, its lame, but as long as both folks are still coherent or at least standing, it gets the job done.

Recently, I lost (cause my wife who is smarter than me has adopted a new strategy...rather than throwing in the next round, cause we do 2 out of 3, what I just threw, she'll throw what would have lost to it). Damn! So, I need a new strategy.

And, given that the Sitter, to whom I should have written a $90 check, but instead gave her $9 check cause I was completely sober, I need a new sitter too! Ugh.

Remote Control

2009-01-30T15:26:00.003-06:00

Once every 4 months or so, my wife gets fed up with the fact that she never gets to hold or use the remote control. I mean she gets pissed off. Basically, she'll walk into the room and explode without warning. If it weren't justified I'd probably get pretty freaked out...but because she is, I kinda have to giggle to myself. I am surprised really that she doesn't get angry more often.

See, I generally choose to not watch TV unless I'm controlling it OR unless I'm with someone who shares the same TV-viewing philosophy and preferences that I do. Its safe to say that she doesn't fit into that category.

So, when she stated emphatically that on Tuesday she was going to watch The Bachelor in our bedroom, I acquiesced. In fact, I generally relocate to the 'den' and watch whatever I was watching prior. But this Tuesday I decided to download something from my queue on Netflix and watch it while sitting next to her on our bed. Sweetness. She actually seemed more interested in what I was watching than I was.

The point of all this? Well, relationships are largely about control. TV viewing is no different. I simply don't compromise much in this arena and I embrace that. I think I have a solution, though. If she wants to become the remote control, much in the manner of this photo, I'm game. I'm pretty sure she'll go for it.

You are a Tool and Now we Have Proof

2009-01-21T09:44:00.002-06:00

It’s too convenient these days to capture a memorable moment with a digital camera. With the iPhone and my sucky Treo, anyone can snap a good shot. And, I do get a serious case of the giggles going back through my shots… many of which are taken on a night after I’m unable to drive legally.

But with that accessibility seems to accompany a complete abandonment of judgment. People these days are taking full advantage of those moments, capturing them for your enjoyment and then unfortunately distributing them to a larger audience, at your or their own expense.
Take this shot. No idea who this is, or why the hell she’s dressed this way. I love it. Problem is, if her boyfriend took it, he’s an idiot. If she’s trying to get a boyfriend, she just screwed the pooch…’cause I don’t think this will help attract one. And if she’s interviewing for a job, I’m pretty certain this wouldn’t work in her favor.

So, do what you can to self-screen. The web is full of sites devoted to illicit or embarrassing pictures of exes.

Nesting

2009-01-19T11:19:00.002-06:00

After you’re married, you will not only have new, fancy china, silver and serving platters, but your wife will likely require an abode worthy of housing such artifacts. The walls will need to be adorned with the likes of materials presently in vogue. The house symbolizes progression from the single to the domesticated. Its audience is not internal, its purpose not function. It’s about form…

Nesting is real. Though your wife may not even acknowledge this, it resides below the surface in most women. And it runs deep sometimes. They’ve thought more about this than you, in all likelihood (unless you skew metrosexual). Prepare for the day when the question ‘What do you think?’ is posed. And, remember, that ‘I couldn’t care less’ gets you less sex than would a ‘It looks great. Thank you for your hard work.’

Divorces are Pricey

2008-12-30T10:50:00.003-06:00

Divorces ain’t cheap. They cost you in terms of cash and emotional currency (your’s and your kids’). Also, studies show that it has a long-term (negative) impact on your net worth.

If you must divorce, keep it civil. And be fair. The object here is to end it as quickly as possible. Don’t get your power struggle on. Its pointless. Your money pays for both attorneys…so, man up and move on!

Get Her a Decent Ring

2008-12-29T10:55:00.001-06:00

Women like sparkly gems. Large ones. Unless you’re one of the founders of Google, you’ll need to make a tradeoff between size and quality when shopping for wedding rings. Shoot for a carat if you can afford it. And, prepare to maintain an insurance floater on it for the first few years. If she doesn’t lose it, cancel it after that time.

After the storytelling and excitement subside, set expectations about what will happen should the ring be lost. Will you buy a replacement? If it’s insured, will you use the reimbursement for a down payment on a house or fund an IRA? Rings are valuable, perhaps even your most significant asset when you first get hitched. Consider them part of your portfolio.

Ask the Right Questions

2008-12-22T09:36:00.002-06:00

She’s said yes. FIL is no longer mad at you. What do you talk about? Likely china patterns, the band at the reception and maybe a honeymoon destination.

Rather than discussing the inane details for 2 weeks of your life, focus on exploring your collective life vision. Spend time discussing one another’s outlook on finances, children, lifestyle, life-work balance, religious associations and community involvement. Define a mission statement. You will soon be a team, best to act like one before the law or church says you should. Most importantly, acknowledge areas where potential differences occur and set immediately toward identifying positions where mutual compromises lie.

For all you know, she may have huge credit card bills, or wants 4 kids. Maybe she had a bad experience with a priest when she was young and is now atheist.

Make no mistake: getting hitched is fundamentally a legal sanction. Businesses perform due diligence before buying one another. Have you done yours?

Play # 23 - Hit a Knee

2008-12-20T12:42:00.001-06:00

Before you ask someone to marry you, consider yourself a character in a movie, as well as the screenwriter. But, ‘Nomi’, you say. ‘That’s f***g stupWhy? That is stupid’. realize that you are creating a memory for life. Rest assured that all facets of the proposal will be packaged and sold to family, friends and the most importantly, the B-Team as a story. Give her good content.

Your first introduction to both your in-laws and all members of her B-Team starts with the proposal. Folks realize that they do in fact need to get to know you, as you will soon be integrated into their lives. Create an experience that is romantic, that supports HER dreams (yes they are quite different from yours), that is most importantly fun, and which won’t give anyone a reason to not say, ‘And he is such a great person.’ And, be sure to ask her father’s permission beforehand. Last thing you want is a drunken 2am conversation something like this:

You: Mr. Johnson, I know we neva met before, but your daughter jus’ agreed to
marry me.
FIL: I see.
You: I’m sorry our first intera…hiccup…distussion is
going like thi …
FIL: Me too.
You: Right, see, I wanted it ta be a
surprise …
FIL: Uhhuh.
You: and I didn’t know how to reach...
FIL: You
couldn’t Google me? Have a drink on me, son. We’ll talk about this later.
Congratulations.
While Cletus here takes it a bit far, he’s definitely getting points for creativity. Not sure how he handled the FIL. Skip to minute 3.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cCiThCeY2Uc

Play #22 - The Race to Mediocrity

2008-12-19T09:02:00.004-06:00

There’s probably some pretty cool science behind it, but I don’t know what it is. What I do know is that it’s freakishly common for longtime couples/lovers to meld into one. I guess that’s a good thing. But its still funny looking. We start to look and dress alike. I’ve entered that phase.

One of nature’s cruel jokes of aging is what statisticians tout as a well-known principle: regression to the mean. Paraphrased, it means that over time we progress toward mediocrity. So, if at all possible, pick someone easier on the eyes than you, so that you have some hope 30 years hence.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Regression_to_the_mean

Play #21 - The Golden Scissors

2008-12-18T08:20:00.002-06:00

Things I dig about my vasectomy:
-I can’t have any more kids.
-Even if I get divorced and I marry some hotness 20 years my junior, I can’t have any more kids. I got to spend a weekend alone watching movies full of explosions and titties, and drink whiskey the whole time.
-Losing my man butter now feels just as if I didn’t have a vasectomy, but I can’t have kids.
-After my V, I had to work the pipes repeatedly to ensure proper functionality. The Wife had to help.
-My Wife is no longer on the pill (that shit is expensive).

Things not so cool about my V:
-My balls turned black, literally.
-It hurt like hell for 3 days.
-I’ll never look at frozen, packaged peas and carrots again the same.
-I had to pull out my high school jock-strap only to find it no longer fit. Depressing.

In the end, though, it was a good thing. As 3 kids are the new 2, (& 4 the new 3) having an unplanned child puts you in very dangerous territory (e.g. another $400k college bill or $50k wedding). So, I highly recommend it.

Play #20 - Man's Best Friend

2008-12-17T07:56:00.002-06:00

Pets are tricky. Not because just because they relieve themselves inside and have a total disregard for your cleaning regime. Or destroy your backyard or require feeding every day. See, it’s tough to quantify the ROI of a dog. I can put $2k per year down in the cost column for my dog. Then, what do I put in the benefit column? His unconditional love? Shyte.

Doogs was run over this time 2 years ago. He was 12 at the time. I was a banging Christmas party, on a date with the Wife. My first thought was, this is a decent opportunity to exit the whole relationship with Doogs. He was old, and deaf. Wife was livid. Couldn’t even fathom why I’d consider it…standing there in a white fox coat. Woulda divorced me on the spot, especially since I made her pay the vet bill to fix ‘em up.

My position didn’t go over well that Christmas, especially with her family (they are copasetic paying $5k to fix a cat). I buried the f***er under a rock once he kicked it…they didn’t seem too pissed about the coin I saved them.

Key learning: You have a 50% chance that her outlook differs from yours on how to care for and raise the animal. Begin with then end in mind, or you might have a very uncomfortable conversation in the vet's office at 1am.

Play # 18 - 7-year Itch lasts longer than a year.

2008-12-16T09:47:00.002-06:00

Relationships function according to parameters mutually agreed upon by the participants. Over time, these rules of engagement become habit.

Habits formed in the first year or two of marriage becomes points of relational pressure as the individuals in the relationship change over time. It takes several years for that change to become apparent, and subsequently for efforts to alter the dynamic to fail or succeed.

The 7-year itch exists. It is probable that you will experience temptations to cheat. Try not to. Whether your marriage survives or not, you’ll likely regret it.

But, if you’re completely amoral or desperate, visit Finland.

http://www.economist.com/daily/chartgallery/displayStory.cfm?story_id=12755557&source=features_box4

Play # 17 - Give to Get

2008-12-15T08:54:00.000-06:00

Ever wonder whether you need to buy a card for Valentine’s Day? Or whether you need to make breakfast in bed on Mother’s Day? Or, to arrange a special outing for the birthday or anniversary? Well, don’t. You need to.

Women generally expect to celebrate all holidays, even the arbitrary ones. That’s the reason they invented them. This photo has nothing to do with this post, just happened to find it and think it ridiculous.

Play #16 - The Shocker

2008-12-14T11:57:00.003-06:00

Can’t talk about it. Can’t throw the Shocker at a party of MILFs. Can’t say it. Can’t tell a story about another person gettin’ it, or listen to another person tell a story about administering the Shocker in mixed company (unless the women bring it up first, or unless you’re in college).

Your lady might even tell you to stop Schockin’ if you do bust it out. BUTT, I know quite a few ladies who dig shocker –esque (little ‘s’) maneuver in the bedroom. They’d deny it all day long. But, the booty doesn’t lie…she likey. Just don’t plan to rock out with your Shock out every time…

Now, if she does like it all the time, be very, very afraid.

Play #15 – Butt Nake or Good Listener?

2008-12-13T13:02:00.002-06:00

Early in relationships, if you aren’t butt naked the entire time, you will likely experience those nights where you stay up talking about each other, the meaning of life and a lot of other random shit. It is during these exchanges that you gain access to critical information it would otherwise take you years to get - maybe she’s scared of commitment, maybe she was emotionally abused or maybe she’s had sex with 45 dudes or tried women a time or two!

Don’t forget what you hear during a drunken, 4 a.m. conversation. It’s not just an opportunity for your best Renaissance Man impression. This info could pull you out of a jam later in that relationship, or at least help you realize that you’re not the one who needs meds.

Holmes here just learned that she digs the Shocker, but he won’t recall tomorrow…
http://www.youngandfrugal.com/2008/08/18/how-a-drunken-conversation-about-third-base-got-me-a-job/

Play #14 – Dressin’ to Impress?

2008-12-12T07:51:00.002-06:00

A potential downside of being P-whipped is that you do stuff you might not ordinarily do. Some think you're actually getting in touch with our feminine side, or simply evolving into the true self.

Regardless of how you label this behavior, know this - Should you maintain this relationship over the long-term, your lady will at some point turn to you and lament the fact that you no longer ‘write her letters’. You will later in life be judged on behaviors exhibited during this phase. So when Courtin’, do what it takes to get her; but keep to a minimum those behaviors you don’t want her to complain about the absence of to either you or the B team.

Play #13 - Look-alikes

2008-12-11T08:25:00.005-06:00

Oh Dear. I guess I should have paid more attention. Apparently, I married my Mother-in-Law. My wife looks and acts more like her every day.

When you’re in that crazy daze of lust (the first year or two of love), it’s hard to be objective. You’re probably groovin’ on the fact that you got your sexy on like 6 times that day. The last thing on your mind is what she’ll be like in 20 years.

Led the blood flow back into your head (the big one) and perform due diligence on your lady, and that includes diggin’ into Mom’s background as well. Get to know her. Pay attention to how she interacts with her kids. Multiple marriages? Good with dollas/cents? Super fatty?

If not, caveat emptor, bitches.

Play # 12 – The First Kiss

2008-12-10T08:02:00.001-06:00

What a great moment. But it can be better if you keep the following in mind. If this is a scheduled encounter (say you enticed some young thing to meet you behind the gym just before carpool, or if some neighborhood honey will meet you on the 8th green), be sure to brush your teeth at least 30 minutes prior to the kiss. You don’t want your only recollection (or hers for that matter) of the experience to be that you tasted like Crest.

Also, don’t hurry. You may not believe this, but kissing gets boring after a while. So, enjoy it while it lasts. Your natural inclination will be to cover her in saliva or engage that propeller tongue of yours. Try not to. And yes, French kissing is cool, but don’t underestimate the power of sucking on someone’s lip or tongue.

http://www.askmen.com/top_10/dating_60/75_dating_list.html

Play # 11 - A Seiler

2008-12-09T10:32:00.001-06:00

If you don’t have one, get one. Seiler is a reference to a jovial acquaintance of the author. Well known for his tomfoolery, Seiler is generally regarded by the ladies, including his wife, as a buffoon. But, few are more fun over a beer.

So what is a Seiler? It’s a truly boneheaded move with full awareness and apathy with respect to the outcome. A Seiler is indifferent to social norms or mores. He is apt to walk around a formal dinner party completely naked or ride a motorcycle into your house. This makes him a topical source of enjoyment, particularly among males. Also, from the women’s perspective, Seilers make the rest of us look good; so it serves us well to share tales of his endeavors. It is best to know a Seiler than be one, for one’s credibility within his relationship and his wife’s closest female friends diminishes or ceases to exist upon extended Seiler-like behavior.

Play #10 - P-Whipped

2008-12-09T07:43:00.002-06:00

In a new relationship with that special someone? Have you ever passed on a road trip with your buddies to some pointless destination for a weekend of gluttony only to spend time with your lady mushroom hunting? If so, you’re pussy-whipped. And, if you’re friends haven’t yet made that clear to you, they soon will.
Maintaining your existing friendships takes a concerted effort. Friendships, like romantic relationships, take work. Don’t let your buddies fall off your radar screen, or you will most certainly fall of theirs.

Note though, that in some cases, this is not a bad thing. We all have friends that in actuality have little impact on your emotional or physical well being. These are likely friends of convenience or friends of friends. In these cases, the funneling of your friendship energies can be positive. Just be aware you’re in the P zone.

Support Burntees and purchase one…
http://www.burntees.com/index.cgi/wackywade/wackywade.61706453

Play # 9 - The Slow Dance

2008-12-08T10:13:00.004-06:00

Between the ages of say 11-16? Scheduled to go to a dance? If so, and if you anticipate any slow dancing that evening do not arrive with your shirt tucked inside your pants.
Why? You’ll likely be leaving with it untucked (read: Wood Hood).

So, don’t tip off the chaperones by changing your appearance mid-dance. This lad exhibits great form. See for more advice on dances:

http://theplaybookformen.blogspot.com/2008/12/play-2-dancin.html

Play #8 – The B Team

2008-12-08T08:16:00.003-06:00

Your wife or girlfriend no doubt maintains a support group whose sole purpose is to validate her perspectives. Comprised of her closest friends, B Teams are an elite group. While there may exist an inordinate amount of infighting (inexplicably) within the Team at times, they most certainly form a united front when it comes to you. In the event of a ‘disagreement’, their allegiance lies with your partner, and you may well be at their mercy as the group’s collective influence knows no bounds. Unless…

You are able to breach the wall and develop significant relationships with a select few. Find the most level-headed or accessible Members, and build credibility. In so doing, you MIGHT enjoy the benefit of having some objective advice, proffered by the B Team directly, that introduces the notion that ‘there are two sides to every story’. This is the B Team’s only weakness. Good luck.

Play #7 - First Lay

2008-12-07T16:20:00.007-06:00

Unless either you’re drunk or you rubbed one out earlier that night, your first lay will all go by much more quickly than you’d imagined. It is not because you’re a shitty sex partner, although you may be. You’re probably so excited that your sense of time is lost. Also, it feels so damn good that it is difficult to control your man butter. (And yes, you do gain more control as you age).

Here are a couple of items for consideration. First, try not to bang a skank for your first. It’s a bit of a let down after you drop her off. While beaver is generally better than no beaver, you might want to consider her image burned in your mind for the rest of your life before you stick it in. Also, virgins don’t know what they’re doing, including you….

If you focus your attention on your partner, 9 of 10 times, they’ll find it a rewarding and entertaining exchange. Be tender and gentle, unless your partner roughs it up or asks for it first. This will in turn increase the likelihood that you’ll have more sex either with her or members of her B-Team.

Play #6 - Butt Stories

2008-12-07T16:20:00.001-06:00

Sharing butt stories about existing relationships is poor form. Not only is it tasteless, but also it will likely hurt your chances with her friends if things don’t work out. So, resist the urge to splurge. If it was a one time deal, you should refrain, at least selectively….

If the revealing your tale makes you more desirable in the eyes of the hottest babies in your class, then start talking. In all likelihood, though, word will spread that you’re a man-whore and girls will avoid you. Man-whores don’t get cheerleaders, at least not until college anyway. But who wants to wait that long?

Play #5 - The List

2008-12-05T13:11:00.005-06:00

My wife is well aware that I have a List and that it is subject to change. I think I shared it with her over a few too many vodka-tonics. Not sure if that makes me a freak. Regardless, I’m covered in the one-in-a-trillion chance that I run into one of these ladies in say a Courtyard in Columbus, OH.

What is the List and who is on it? Well, it’s an insurance policy. In the event that I find a List Member in my hotel room, sans clothing, ready to get busy, I get to indulge with no ramifications to my 10+ year marriage. Likely…uh, no. Fun to think about? You bet.

So to any of the following Honies (in no particular order): Bring it.

1. Marisa Miller
2. The Heidi’s (Montag and Klum – though they don’t have to be together)
3. Maria Sharapova
4. Jessica Alba
5. Sienna Miller
6. Jennifer Anniston
7. Elizabeth Hurley (pre- and post-Austin Powers flicks)
8. Kate Winslet
9. Angie Harmon
10. Bar Refaeli

Wife is down with it. She’s even created her own List. You might want to as well…spice up that dinner conversation. Course, I’ve not ever made it to the Playoffs, so I reserve the right to retract this Play if it back fires.