THE POKER MONKEY...your source for Insanity!

Happy Memorial Day Weekend to Everyone!!!

2012-05-27T00:28:00.000-05:00

This is a pretty special holiday if you live in the south. It also hits close to home whenever I am up north in Alabama with Squirrel's side of the family...as her brother Scott served a couple tours in Iraq...and her cousin is a commander in the army for a unit that is over in Afghanistan right now... today we got to see his wife, who was dying to see Carley. We drove 'home' yesterday....and what is usually a 5-hour drive for us was instead an 8-hour odyssey, due in large part to Miss Carley, who (I'm finding out) certainly does rule the roost. But that's okay...there was no big hurry. And it was her first big road trip. She did great.

I was watching the local news...about a young kid who came home to one of these small towns around here, to a hero's welcome. He was missing both of his legs. But he had the greatest attitude. It leaves me feeling several emotions. I think the most diehard, red-blooded, patriotic Americans are from the South...100%. And they make up approximately 65% of our military. A lot of that can be attributed to 'opportunity' or lack of it. You get a lot of poor kids...who really have no other roads to pursue, that end up joining the military to try and make a career for themselves. You get a lot of kids not qualified for college who are in the same boat. Its just the reality of the situation.

So I guess when I watch the news, or read the news...and dig deeper into articles dealing with these last ten years of conflict in Iraq and Afghanistan, it kind of pisses me off. Because I firmly believe we are accomplishing two things in the past decade with these ill-conceived wars. (a) destroying the economy, and (b) doing great damage to a whole generation of Americans. The number of soldiers returning from the Middle East who are committing violent crimes and/or committing suicide is absolutely staggering. And while deaths aren't off the charts like they were in Vietnam...the number of soldiers returning home missing limbs is astonishing. The billions that are being spent on these wars...for countries who have no desire to be introduced to our 'way of life' is offensive. We build them a school...it gets blown up. We build them a bridge...same deal. We teach them how to fight, or police themselves...and one of them tips off the opposition, and they all get killed in a building by a car bomb. I mean...what the hell is the point? Those people have been hating Christians and what the Christians stand for now for thousands of years. Are we ignorant or pompous enough to think we are the ones to change that theology?

I love the soldiers who are willing to follow orders, to do 'whatever it takes' to keep America free...or whatever our interpretation of 'freedom' is. Whenever I see a soldier in a store, an airport, the post office...wherever it might be, I always tell them 'thank you' and shake their hand. I never served in the military...and because of that I feel a little guilty sometimes. Oh...it wasn't that I didn't consider it...I did. But I wanted to be a fighter pilot. And with my education level, and my height, I was only offered a chance to fly helicopters and P-3 Orions, the Navy's submarine hunters...also used for flying into hurricanes by the Air Force. I decided to go a different route in life...and yeah, there are plenty of days that I regret it.

But again...when I see these young men coming home dead or maimed...it really pisses me off. They are too young to experience that. They have no say in the matter. They have Moms and Dads...who have to bury them or see them suffer. Or a wife and kids...who lose their Daddy. For what? Just tell me WHY...and it would be easier to accept. So Halliburton can keep making billions with their contractor deals? I mean, I get it...there is a 'reason' for us to be there...to a point. And that point? Keeping the Taliban and Al Qaeda from assuming control in that region, especially Pakistan...and gaining possession of Pakistan's nukes. Which would likely result in total chaos, and possible World War. But to have 100k troops on the ground in Afghanistan? Pretty pointless. It's a special forces theater of operations and that is it.

Maybe I've vented too much. I should get back to the central theme of this blog. I respect and admire our current troops, and all those who have served this country in the past. And on this holiday, I know that I will personally reflect back on those who have made what has kind of become an overused phrase...'the ultimate sacrifice.' (Thanks for ruining a great line GWB)

So yeah...we are up in North Alabama all weekend visiting Squirrel's side of the family. Really a great bunch of people...I am lucky to be a part of their family. I got a whole bunch of really, really nice comments from you readers after my last blog. And a couple, well...one actually, that was pretty shitty. From the same 'person' who left me one back in February. In fact...it was pretty comical...I saved it, and as I read them side by side...it was almost the exact same message, word for word. Hey...um, Mr. Anonymous...I get it, you think I'm a shitty poker player. Whatever...maybe I am. Could care less honestly. But this BS you keep shouting about 'coming clean about our house getting robbed?' That it was made up by me? And that I should 'pay back all those people who didn't get paid?' It cracks me up that you still are trying to insist that never happened. You imbecile. First, I provided, ON THIS BLOG...the case number, the name of the detective...and then provided the names AND PHOTOS!!! of the assholes who robbed us after they were apprehended. Um...did you miss all that?

And furthermore...who didn't get paid? I had a bunch of people in my football pools that were affected, yep...and when I went out to Venetian in February...and won/chopped a $550 tourney for $15k...guess what? Everyone got paid. And...on top of it all...those who had to wait, were rewarded with a free entry in the next year's pool. So...please...if you want to continue to send me this stupid ass message...at least have a fucking clue what you are talking about. Maybe I will even publish one of them...even though you are STILL too chickenshit to attach your name to them. I wonder...what do people like you look like?

But anyway...to those of you who left the really nice messages, thanks. It actually does mean a lot to me. And I surely didn't write anything I didn't mean. I just kind of think...with the birth of Carley...I've really had a chance to sit back, and reflect on what is truly important in life. And while I enjoy the game of poker, and it IS in fact something I think I am relatively good at, certainly not the BEST by any stretch...but good enough I think, that on any given day...I could make the final table. I know that I will always have a bit of a desire to compete in big tournaments. Just not so much...or so often, to the point that its just making me miserable, and a nervous, stressed out mess.

So...I had a couple of nibbles about doing a staking deal for the entire summer...wherein I would play a full schedule of WSOP events (20-25) as well as 5-10 Venetian events and a few Caesar's and Nugget tourneys. But the more I thought about it...the more I thought I would much rather stay at home with my baby. Squirrel got screwed around by her work...on her hours, having to do with her maternity leave...and instead of having to be back on July 7th or so...now has to be back in two weeks. Ridiculous. So...she is going to really need me, and it feels good to be needed...as a father. It's something I've been looking forward to doing my whole life. Well, when the bell sounds...I don't want to be off in Las Vegas chasing that stupid 7-week carnival like I have the past 6 years.

Oh, don't think it doesn't hurt a little to see all the Facebook posts like "Here we go...off to Vegas for the summer!!!" Or all the text messages from people asking me 'when are you heading to Vegas' and 'where are you staying in Vegas?' It does. For sure. Last year at this time...I was heading to Vegas right now...and gearing up for the National Freeroll...which I fell well short of qualifying for this year. (despite having the same number of cashes, 6) I had those same hopes and dreams that a lot of guys have right now. Start off the summer by cashing or winning the freeroll! Bankroll more WSOP events! Snap off a Venetian event! Final table a WSOP event! Come home with a million dollars or more! None of that happened. Oh...I cashed 14 times last summer. But I came home down about $10k for the summer. I played the Main Event...and once again...was busted on Day 3...just shy of the money. It was depressing as f***!

And its not something I can lie about. The money? It's definitely dwindled to a point that its now the cause of financial pressure for the first time in years. But hey! That's life. And when the going gets tough? Well...you adapt. Stick and move! Find a solution! So...that is the plan. Let Squirrel go back to work. Work on some other things in the background. Grind away playing cash all summer. Maybe find a decent job...not one that is going to make me homicidal whenever I go in to work!

Oh...do NOT think that I am not going to find the ten days necessary to travel out to Vegas to play the Main Event! I'm not STUPID! Hopefully, Cheryl's mom will be able to come down for the first couple weeks of July...while I go out to Vegas with a buddy...and probably play the last big $1k at WSOP...then likely one or two $1k Megas for the Main, and then (whether I win the Mega or not) play the Main Event. And having not been grinding my brains out all summer? I like my chances to go in there fresh...and do well. I will most likely either sell $15k worth of action to one person, or portion it out and sell shares. I have plenty of time to work all that out.

Guess what tomorrow is!??? Or Sunday...if you are reading this on Sunday? Yep! My first official day of hosting the radio show with Scotty Clark of St. Louis. And I will be doing it poolside I guess...before taking my three nephews to see 'The Avengers!'

I think, after listening to the show last week...that I was at first supposed to be on, but due to a misunderstanding between the two of us (him thinking I would be busy playing) I wasn't. Which was totally fine and cool. Oh but anyway...I think (after listening to the archived taping) his show went pretty smooth. And so I am pretty excited about our first show together tomorrow. And coming in for the first show...and I really, really appreciate these guys doing this for me...not that I would have expected them to say no...but still, really excited to have Frank Kassela...the WSOP POY from 2010...and Mr. 'Shot in the Dark' himself Dwyte 'The Duke' Pilgrim! Frank will lead off the show at 3:05 CT or so...and Dwyte will come in right after him...barring an uncharacteristic no-show by either one of them.

TO LISTEN TO THE SHOW JUST CLICK HERE and it should take you right to the show page! Also...if you miss the show, you can always click this link...and go back and hear it later on the archived shows! Additionally, you will be able to start hearing the show via YouTube or iTunes in a week or so. Scott is getting all of that worked out...as he is the 'technical end' of this radio program. I am just the fluff! Or whatever nasty label you wish to apply to me! Just so you guys know...the only reason I am doing this show...isn't for the fame or fortune, or the desire to show everyone what a great poker player I am. Nope..its for the money! I am getting paid $100,000 per episode!!! So yeah duh! Obviously it's for the money, right!??? Okay...maybe I'm exaggerating! I will let you all know, however...that the show's sponsor, which is currently LOCK poker...but I anticipate will be switching over to their new network when all that goes down...wants us to keep the show out of the gutter. Hence, if you are looking for me to take off the gloves and go after some people, it might not happen the way you were hoping. Sorry. I'm just following orders...gotta keep those 6 figure, I mean 5 figure...wait wait...4 figure...okay, 3 figure...paychecks flowing in!!!!

My Rangers...oh my Rangers. I am still in mourning. And probably will be for a few more weeks. In what I really thought was going to be a Carley Grace-inspired Stanley Cup season for my Rangers...ended in sadness last night...after erasing a 3-0 deficit in game 5...to tie it up....then friggin lose, they did the same thing last night, getting down 2-0 early...then fighting back to tie it...taking the game to overtime...then losing. And losing to the team I hate more than any other team in the NHL...the New Jersey fucking Devils. I hope the LA Kings sweep those jagoffs. I hate New Jersey. The state. Most of the people. Their tolls. Their casinos. (except Borgatta...and sometimes Harrah's) Their guido, idiot TV shows. I guess it could be worse...I could be a Vancouver Canucks fan. Ouch.

Had me a little moment today that would remind you of this commercial...all except for the part where I end up in a roadside ditch.

So...I hate flies. A lot. And today...they were everywhere. Outside the house. Inside the house. Grrr....fucking flies! So...I found not one... but FOUR...flyswatters on top of my sister-in-law's refrigerator. I decided to appoint myself the Fly Assassin. Fly #1. Dead! Fly #2. Dead! Fly #3...ahhh...fly number tre! Very tricky little fucker. He decides to land on the lip of the light fixture hanging over the glass top stove...where, surrounding that stove was Cheryl, sister-in-law Bridget, and cousin Lynn. Monkey moves in....with quite possibly the greatest fly swatter ever....lines up my prey...and strikes! Whoa!!! Wait! OMG...what the fcuk just happened!!! Said light fixture was loose....and when struck, broke free of the 0-ring holding it back...shattering the bulb....then falling down onto the glass stove top...breaking it too. All four of us stood there...silent...with that 'HOLY F***ing SHIT' look on all of our faces. And I felt like the biggest asshole on the planet.

So after cleaning up all the broken glass...I booked it for Home Depot...which was located in another town. No biggie. Nice half hour drive. Arrive at Home Depot. Find old, bald guy in lighting. Knows nothing about lighting. Or their current inventory. Find item on my own. What is it with these retail stores now-a-days? I think Best Buy has GOT to be the worst! Is it just me? Or am I usually about 20 times more intelligent and aware of the stuff in Best Buy than any one actually working at Best Buy? Its like...you walk in, they ask if they can help you...you attempt to LET THEM help you...and about two minutes into the experience you're like...'holy shit man...do me a favor and just fuck off...please!' Do you have that experience?

So...I pick out my items. I go to the customer service desk...because like every time I shop at Home Depot, they have to look up my account number. Why? Because...I paid off my balance three years ago...and cut up my cards. However, a few months later...I found the need to make a large purchase there. And now...that is how I make purchases there now...and Best Buy...incidentally, by letting them look up my account using my Social Security number. Well...on this occasion, I would spend 1 hour and 23 minutes at that front desk. Oh...I'm sure there could be any number reasons for WHY this happened. Lets just say it always seems like these fucking marathons of annoyances happen to me! It wasn't the girl's fault. Nope...it was the various idiots on the other side of the phone...who kept demonstrating for us just how stupid human being could actually be. I think I would have rather ended up in a roadside ditch. Alas..they finally did get my transaction to 'go through' and also update my information to remove the 'home phone number' from my account that I disconnected 6 years ago. (seriously, who STILL has a land line in their home? And why?)

When I got home from Home Depot...I had an eye patch on and was trying to explain to everyone what had taken me so long. Then I went in the kitchen and started in with my repairs. Then I wrestled my kid away from everyone and laid next to her on the couch...her sleeping, and me watching the original 'Bad News Bears' with my brother-in-law Scott...while everyone else went to bed. It was nice. And with that...I bid you adieu!

Monkey

Big O-Fer in NOLA...Now What!!??

2012-05-22T19:51:00.003-05:00

The most sobering day in the life of a poker pro...or whatever we should be called when poker is the only thing we do for a living, is that day after an event has ended. When we go home, sleep in...and just lay there, asking ourselves 'what's next?'

In my case...it's a tad bit more complicated. I owe a debt of gratitude to the gentleman who was nice enough to put me in the events in Council Bluffs and New Orleans. I was pretty hopeful, since it seems like everyone he puts his money on catches fire and does nothing but win. And with a baby on the way, and a lot of obligations to meet, there would be no time like the present to have that happen to me.

And now...our baby has been born. She will be a month old tomorrow. And admittedly, she is perfect. I should be feeling like I just won the Main Event, or the lottery. And in a sense I do. She has made living life great again. She has caused me to look at my wife with a sense of amazement, and I might go so far as to say she has never looked more beautiful in the ten years I have known her.

The last time I had a 'real job' was in 2005. It was a job I liked, actually. I was good at it. Were it not for my annoying pissant of a manager, I'd probably still be there. Or maybe not. I have no regrets over the past 7 years...and where they have taken me. There were 2 or 3 great years of poker...where I won enough to have a lot of nice things, take a lot of fun trips...and do a lot of nice things for my wife. Then there were a few that were pretty lean, and that taught me the evil, agonizing side of playing poker for a living.

I've encountered a lot of people this past 7 years who, after hearing that I play tourney poker for a living, expressed a degree of envy...wishing they could do the same. For awhile, I agreed with them. And was so happy I wasn't 'one of them' who had to wake up every day...travel to their job, do the same thing day in and day out...go home, eat dinner, go to bed, then start all over the next day. In fact I cringed at that existence. It's funny how sometimes things, and your opinions, can change. In the past couple of years, I've had guys tell me they have really good jobs, but that they just want to give tournament poker a shot for a couple of years. Do I think they should go for it? And now, I always tell them 'Hell no!' That if they have a good job...HOLD ONTO IT...and play poker whenever you have time. Period. Take a vacation every July to Vegas to play the Main Event..because every player worth even a shit, should ALWAYS take a shot at the Main Event and $10m.

But to give up a promising career to chase the circuit around? Trying to stay ahead of the juice and the variance? Encountering one close call after another...the two-outers on the river just shy of the money, the impossible heartbreak of thinking you are about to triple up with AA, after being card dead for 17 million orbits, only to have that internet asshole who 'liked the price he was getting, and/or knew what your range was' based on your 'nittiness' enough to call your 4-bet all in...holding 4-7d....rivering a gut-shot straight to bust you on the bubble. Living out of a suitcase for 24 weeks out of the year? Being stuck in conversations with other players you can't escape? Where they want to hound you with the story of their untimely demise, while you are trying to forget your own? Why should any 'normal' human being want to make this a normal part of their daily routine?

Oh I know why? Because there is that one day...when everything goes right. When your 10-10 holds up against AJ. When your AK magically hits an ace against the guy who woke up with KK when you shoved. When you are somehow able to get away with bluffing 5 or 6 times in the same tourney. And before you know it, you are running over the final table, and feeling like the greatest player in the world. All those people who watched you struggle for the past weeks and months are gathered around your table, all of them wanting to pat you on the back, to tell you they 'told you so' that things would turn around. And you even start to believe them a little bit...enjoying one shot after another with your 'rooting party' while one player after another leaves the final table and your $$$ keeps going up.

Then you win. You take the photos. You get your ring. You do your exit interview. You shake all the hands. You cash your check at the cage. You select your three closest friends and go to a nice steak dinner. And if you're smart...you take the next day off...maybe even a couple. But you probably aren't smart. Very few of us are. Because you think you are hot. That you are running good. And you don't want to miss out on the chance to 'strike while the iron is hot.' So you go back that next day. You get the occasional 'congrats' from the dealers as they push in...and a few players at your table, and some walking by. The memory of your win is still fresh in your mind.

But then some old guy at your table, oblivious to the fact that he was supposed to fold his pocket 2's after a raise and a re-raise by you with QQ...goes ahead and calls your huge 3-bet with the smallest pair in the deck...so that when the flop comes 10-6-2 rainbow, you somehow think your QQ is good. Old man ends up getting a large percentage of your chips, if not all of them...and guess what? That feeling? That shitty one? It returns. And suddenly, you are looking at your watch, trying to see when the next tourney starts. You have now got the infectious stench of defeat clinging to you...and its as though everyone can see it. The 'attaboys' start to subside...and now attention turns to the suckouts again. The horrible rivers. The close calls. The bubbles.

This, my friends, is the existence of a tournament poker pro. No one...I mean....NOBODY...just goes and wins over and over and over. If you pay attention even a little bit, you will notice that it is generally the same 15% of us who get deep in almost every tourney. What changes, on a pretty consistent basis, is who happens to 'run good' when it gets down to the top 15% of the field. And sure, there are some guys who get deeper MORE often than others. And I admit, there are some players who I confess are superior players to not just me, but to others like me. It doesn't mean they win more...because they don't. But you will see them stacking a lot bigger piles of chips than a lot of us due to the nature of their style. But they are also the same guys who will drop-kick those massive stacks when a lot of us never would...because they are making a move they think will be successful at crunch time.

People ask me all the time "What do you think is the best style of play to win poker tourneys?" I don't know that there is a BEST way. I think a lot of a person's chosen style of play depends a lot on their personalities. I think some of these great young players who are fearless, and will play any two cards like they are aces...and manage to accumulate huge chip stacks, would be winning a lot more if they would learn how to completely change gears when they get to a certain point where bluffing and 'making moves' just isn't a part of the tourney anymore. No one (tight players especially) is folding to an aggressive player 'making a move' late in a tourney. The main reason, is they have been paying attention all tourney long, and know that the player is likely just trying to move them off their hand. But when they are raising with top ten hands most of the time...most of them are going to be willing to go to their grave with those hands.

I would love to see tag-team poker. Let a super aggressive player start us out...get us up to over 100 big blinds by level 15...then tag me to come in and micro-manage that stack to a final table. And then based on the makeup of that table's players, decide which one of us was going to play. I think that my experience in playing 1000's of SNG's over the past 7 years has made me an excellent final table player. It's amazing, but whenever I get to a final table, thats exactly what it feels like. A SNG. Lose a player, gain leg and elbow room. I've never been nervous at a final table. Not once.

So, I have admittedly sidebar'd the shit out of this blog entry. Haven't really shared my last couple of tourneys with you. Does it matter? I lost. I got deep in the last one...Monday's final ring event. I raised with 10-10...and had David 'Lurky' Nicholson just recklessly raise me all in like he is prone to do with a lot of hands. I didn't fold. And his AJ conveniently connected with a flop delivered by redheaded John...who KNOWS he has been the Monkey Assassin all of 2012 and parts of 2011....with a A-J-8 board...and no help on the turn or river. Another deep run. Another 10 hours of poker all for naught.

The night before, I played in the 9pm nightly. Got down to 24 players...paying 15. Had been pretty much cruising along the whole night...and had high hopes of a shot at the $4k, and saving my week. But then I ran QQ into KK...which crippled me, followed by 99 against KK again...and just like that, I was gone. Before that kick in the balls, I played the noon tourney on Sunday...which I didn't even know about. I got there in time to register, but they were really lacking tables, so I didn't get in until level 6. Not a problem, I had a good table...and did a little stick and move, stick and moving...to get to around 24k...and 95 out of (I think) 335'ish players remaining. That's when I would raise with AKd under the gun. A guy on the button, who had been very aggressive, and had been re-raising people a lot, did the 'ol 'how much are you playing behind' speech that I fucking hate. I told him. And as soon as he completed his re-raise amount, I just shoved. He had to call.

As soon as the dealer put two hearts on the flop...him holding AQh...I got that feeling, we all get it when we see them flop four to the flush, don't we? I just lowered my head...thinking "fuck, not again...shit." The turn was a spade...and I was just one card away from a huge double up. Forget it. 5 of hearts on the river, and I was gone. That's how my entire week and a half in New Orleans seems to have gone. Just one punch in the face after another. People were telling me, after Carley Grace was born, that she would be my lucky charm...that my 2012 was about to turn around. And I allowed myself to believe them.

In a last ditch effort to take something positive from this trip, I thought I would take the last $300 in my wallet over to the cash room, the one place where I have had some success on this trip. I found an open seat next to Scott Weinberg, a really nice guy from Gulfport, who I knew I could sit next to and not be annoyed by! We both had shared equal frustrations throughout the week. And we both decided to reward our bad fortune with a punishing trip to the Lucky Dog stand next to the poker room. Me, two sausage dogs, a bag of Maui Sweet Onion Chips and a bottle of Coke. That meal would haunt me all night last night...I won't go into details. It was painful.

I would win a couple of hands out of the gate...get up to about $400. Then the shit hit the fan. The topic of conversation was on baseball. Scott and I were talking about Peter Angelos, owner of the Orioles...and how bad he was. It turned then to Al Davis, how his interference had ruined the Raiders. That's when this scrawny, long-haired freak in the 4-seat, decked out in bedazzled shirt, jacket and hat chimed in. "Al Davis is the man! He did things the right way!" Huh? Scott and I both reminded him that Davis hadn't had a team in the Super Bowl in a decade, and hadn't won in many years. He insisted that Al Davis was 'brave' and was never afraid to 'buck the system, take chances, and tell it like it is.' That this moron would destroy my stack only minutes later should not have come as a surprise.

With two limpers behind me, I raise to $15 with AhQd. I only get 5 callers. The flop comes J-10-8...with two hearts. Double gutted. With a backdoor flush draw. I decide to play this like I've hit the flop. I check. Super goof makes it $45. He has 9-10 off. Okay. Middle pair, open ended. Not bad. Everyone else folds. I decide to flat...to see if I can either pick up another heart...or hit my straight with one of 8 outs (7 actually since he had a nine). I turn a heart...like a 3 or something. I ask how many chips he has. About $160. So I bet $75. Now, what makes him think his lonely 10 there is good, I have no idea...also, there are now three hearts on board...so he could be chasing a straight futilely.

"Well...no guts no glory I guess!" And he shoves all in. No way I could fold now...and frankly, I liked my chances. But what comes on the river? A fucking ten. I never showed my hand...and told anyone that asked that I had AJ...winning me a little sympathy at least. Fuckball would donk off 3/4 of those chips on a hand 5 minutes later. I was left with $85...and limped in with AK...hoping someone would raise so I could ship and hope to get lucky. I got my wish. One guy raised to $12. And this old guy shoves all in...not for the 95 that he had in front of him...but I guess he had another $200 in transit...so with, what? About $22 in the pot...he ships it for close to $300. I pretty much put him on 10's, J's or maybe Q's so with two overs...and nothing to lose, I snap called...also figuring we would be heads up. We were. I caught nothing...and a jack even hit the river. He had jacks. Of course he did. I was done. I shook Scott's hand...made the lonely walk to the garage, and drove home...and started reflecting on what lies ahead for me now.

What does lie ahead? I don't even know. Am I going to Vegas this summer? Right now...I would have to say, probably not. I have a baby that is growing every day. I can't see being away from her all summer. I'm only going to get one shot at this fatherhood thing, I think...and I really don't want to fail, like so many men have failed before me. I've had a couple of people express interest in staking me in a full WSOP package this summer...and if that were to develop, I think its the ONE thing that would get me out to Vegas...but I would do it in a way that I could fly home at least twice, and spend 3 or 4 days with my wife and baby. The only other thing I could envision is selling off shares to play in the Main Event...then go out to Vegas the first week of July, maybe play a couple of Venetian events, then play the Main...and stay as long as I survive, then come home.

I think there is a very real possibility that I will be looking for a job in the Biloxi/Gulfport market. What will that be? I really don't know. I really am interested in a position with what will be the Golden Nugget pretty soon. I think it would be fun to develop that poker room into a big tournament presence on the gulf coast. Maybe launch a new career for myself running poker tourneys. And being on that end of the business, I could still play a tourney now and then. Which...truth be told, is probably the only way I am going to enjoy playing poker...where I don't HAVE to win to find joy in it. There is nothing more stressful or emotionally taxing then sitting down at a table with the pressure of having to win to pay your bills. Having a good job...and not having to worry about those bills, and sitting down to play a tourney? That would be a real joy. Where if you lose, you shake it off and go home. But where if you win you are able to really enjoy it? I long for that feeling.

I'm going to take on this endeavor with Scotty Clark doing this poker radio show...putting a lot of energy into it. Then possibly, that Golden Nugget deal. Yes...Monkey in a suit. Dig it! There are other possibilities I guess. I have a long history of high-level food and beverage industry experience. Maybe I will go manage a local restaurant. There is also a Mercedes-Benz dealership opening here in Biloxi. I've never liked car salesman very much. Or thought I would like doing that job. But I think if you were going to do it, you might as well sell the finest cars on the planet (within reason). And it would certainly be close to home. My friend Barth is also contemplating opening a bar in Perdido Key...which could lead to a potential management position for me. I was a liquor salesman from 2002-2005 and that was my territory...so I am pretty familiar with that area. It would also afford me the chance to recreationally dabble in some poker there at the dogtrack.

WHO KNOWS? While I'm depressed somewhat about the outcome in New Orleans...and the reality that I am slowly running out of money...I am excited about the future, of being a father...of new opportunities. Of finding myself, and of diving into something that could make for a better future for me and my family.

A few people to thank. Barth Melius, for letting me stay at his home in New Orleans...and for being such a supportive friend all during this difficult year. To Todd and Sarah Elwood, for letting me join them for dinner at my favorite sushi joint, Rock N Saki...then paying for my dinner, very unexpectedly. I enjoyed getting to know what they are both all about AWAY from the table, and was so impressed with everything they both have going on...and realizing how depressingly one-dimensional my own life is. They are a beautiful couple and have such a great relationship...along with children they are both so proud of. Thanks to all the players who came up to congratulate me on Carley, and all the nice things you had to say about her. Thank you to all the floor people and dealers...who could not have been any kinder to me during the event. I even had a guy get hit with a penalty in the last event for 'talking disparagingly' to me. That was truly a first!!! I felt like Steve Frezer and his crew did another amazing job at one of the WSOP's biggest and most successful circuit stops. Sure there were a few hiccups along the way, and the juice was astronomical...but most of that has/had nothing to do with Steve's crew. They work with what they are handed. Thanks to Allie Prescott for coming to town and entertaining us with his whimsical ways. Having him around is always good for several reasons...he did, as I predicted, end up making an appearance in the Main Event. However, my prediction of him getting deep did not transpire, as he was out in two hands. Oh he did manage to lose with AQ...to...uh huh...AQ...on a four-card flush!

The summer that lies ahead should be interesting. I haven't spent an entire summer in Biloxi or Pensacola since...wow, not sure when. But I will try to make the most of it. Squirrel and I are going to take Carley to North Alabama this weekend for all of those relatives to see and meet her.

Congrats to all of those folks who had a good event in New Orleans. And good luck to all of you venturing out to Vegas for the annual World Poker Convention...which is what I prefer to call it. Sure wish I was joining you...but then again, maybe I don't.

Monkey

Today is the Debut of the Scotty Clark/Poker Monkey Radio Show!!!

2012-05-20T13:15:00.005-05:00

At 3:00pm Central time...history will be made! Well, I might be over-dramatizing this a bit. First of all, I thought that today was going to be a clear schedule until 7pm...when I would play the nightly. And since I disappointingly was dumped from the Main Event yesterday in the 5th level of day 2, figured I would sleep in until about 1:30...then do some laps in Barth's pool...to wake up and get refreshed...then do our first show.

Whooops. Had no idea, but there is another $355 today. That started at noon. Which I have got to be playing. Don't think this will stop me from doing the radio show. Because it won't. With my BOSE on, I fully intend to do it right from the table. Because if they ask me if I'm on the phone? No...shit, I'm on the damn radio, dealer!!! Big difference, right?

I'm not sure if Scott has gotten this link worked out...its working one day...then not working right the next day. I don't want y'all to have to go searching high and low for the thing. I want you to just be able to click on this Monkey picture...and BOOM...you're dialed in. Today...for show guests, he has some very interesting guys lined up. Bill Bruce, of Poker Tournament Consultants. Jeff Griffith, who owns Bustout Poker...a clothing line that I used to represent, until they dropped me last summer after a heated exchange/email battle with a guy who is also on the Bustout team, and whom I loathe more than (I think) any poker player on the planet...Matt Stout. I got the shitty end of the stick on that deal, probably because I had just went out in the Main Event on Day 3...and he was still in and getting deep. Whatever. It's in the past. And the last guest is Tim Vance...who won the EPT event in Copenhagen a few years ago. Tim and I used to get along pretty well...then we had a little issue occur.

I would tell you to CLICK ON THIS LINK...and hopefully it will take you to the radio show direct link. If not...I apologize, but just tinker around with it and you should be able to find it. If you CAN'T tune in at 3:00...you can go there later and listen to the archived show. Which is probably what I will do, to see how much of a spaz I sounded like!!!!

See, Tim and I made a side bet on who would have the most POY points at the end of the year. I had been having a good year up til that point (May) and had about 800 points if I recall. Unbeknownst to me, he had won EPT Copenhagen for about 1200 points. So I had some catching up to do. But I wasn't deterred. Well...then I got the kibosh from Harrah's for 'THE BS' of the past...which is now, indeed..in the past. But what it did was cut me off from being able to earn any real POY points. So...accordingly, I cancelled our side bet with him...which I thought was pretty justifiable. Well, he felt otherwise. And proceeded to hound me about it. Even got a phone call, or text actually, from a buddy of mine up in Atlantic City...telling me he was spouting off about me at the table...telling anyone who would listen that I was a few choice names, and that I had welched out on a bet. One thing I never do is welch out on bets. Some of you may see my side of it...and maybe even a few of you think I should have paid him the money. But he has told Scotty he isn't planning on bringing it up...that he has agreed to 'bury the hatchet' so I guess we will assume he keeps his word. If not? It could be an 'interesting' radio show today!!!!

If we have time, I have a few mystery guests lined up in our cue that I might have call in to pick their brains on a few subjects. We will see how the time looks while we are progressing. I'm excited for the show but have NO IDEA what to expect. We didn't rehearse or go over a format or anything, so its pretty much coming from the hip!

Okay...I have to get the hell out of this bed, get showered and get down to Harrah's...which yesterday was my tomb of doom. No details right now...not enough time. But nightly...flopped straight. Announced check raise. 'Man Boobs' bet anyway...I shoved, he'd flopped a set. Rivered a boat. Ball game. Played 3 SNG's....make that 4. Got 8th...and then 3rd or 4th in ALL the others...losing them in agonizing fashion. I did manage to buy in for $300 in the 1/2 game and cashed out +$350 after a few hours. So absolute disaster was averted.

Okay....lets get this day going...maybe pull a win (finally) or hell, just a nice cash would suffice...out of this horrendous circuit event. It's been nice playing with all of you, and I have to admit its been a really pleasant week, I've had some great conversations with a lot of you, both about poker and about my new addition to the family, Carley Grace. She really does make the bad beats a lot easier to take. And I've appreciated all the kind words about her.

Monkey

Main Event Time in the Crescent City

2012-05-18T16:43:00.000-05:00

Last night, I was hanging out with a couple buddies, and the conversation turned to the standard topic the night before the Main Event.

"How many entries do you think it'll get?" I quite confidently blurted out that I think it will get close to 600. That was met with surprise and shared disagreement. Then it dawned on me that the $1k drew 232. But then I also realized that they didn't have a 2nd entry time on that one. Nor had a lot of the 'big boys' who only show up for Main Events gotten into town yet.

So, as I sit here banging out this entry, I've looked at the live updates and they are nearing 400 entries. In the 12pm start. Coming up at 7pm...you will have all of those (like me) who have opted for a later start...coupled with those who lost at noon and want to fire a second bullet. So my prediction of 600 looks pretty safe. It might even go over that. I think we are looking at the largest WSOP-C Main Event field ever in New Orleans. If ever there was a time for me to make a Final Table...this would be the event.

I've had a pretty rough event. There is no denying it. I've won 5 out of 16 SNG's...which sounds pretty good, except that I started out 3 for 4. I had another one of those runs where I was getting rivered with 3 or 4 players left..and 2 winners. I could easily have won 8 or 9 out of 16...which would be pretty solid. I did play one cash session, where I was in for $300 and out with $1250 in only two hours.

But if we talk about tourneys? Oh my gosh. I have literally NOT CASHED a single event all week. No noon tourneys. No nightly's. No Megas. Nothing. In the 1k...I started good...and then doubled up fully with 77 when I flopped a set against a guy with KK. I was at about 34k when I made a critical play that would turn the tide for me. At 75/150...a guy raised to 300...got 4 callers, and I flatted with KQ in the big blind. I held the K of spades. The flop came A-4-2....all spades. Wow. Nut flush draw. I checked to the min raisers...who bet 2500. Whoa! The guy in the SB...who was an OMRG...and pretty loose...calls the 2500.

I now had a major decision to make. Fold and just preserve my top stack at the table and turn my back on a chance to win a HUGE pot...and cruise to the dinner break? Or get involved and take a shot to win that massive pot? One thing that came into play: the dealer was Vicky. She doesn't do much right for me. And in SNG's the past couple nights she had been torturing me...and then fumbling the action after the hand was decided...botching pots...it was really irritating. I tried to put that out of my mind.

I wasn't just going to flat for 2500. Although maybe I should have. The first guy...I figured he just had like AJ with no spade...and decided to overbet the shit out of it to take it down...not expecting the OMRG in the BB to be sitting there with a made flush (3-6). So I knew I could raise him off the hand. And raising to something like 6k...with OMRG holding 22k...was just going to give him enough leverage to shove all in against me, forcing me to have to call and pray. So I figured, if I was going to play this hand at all...the right thing to do, since I had all of them covered, was to move in. So I moved in.

Initial raiser folds, like I thought he would. But the second guy...after realizing that my raise had him covered...started finally showing some hesitation. And I was pretty sure he was about to fold...and I was about to go to over 40k. But then he calls. Vicky failed to provide another spade. Then after the hand was over she tried to ship the guy my WHOLE STACK! And this happened while I was off doing a lap to calm myself down. Fortunately Shawn the floor guy moved in when he saw what she was doing and corrected the issue. It left me with about 11k.

I never really recovered. We would come back from break and I would get 10-10 twice, losing both times. I would get KK, limp...get a raiser, re-raise...and end up winning a decent pot. I would enter a 5-way raised pot with 33...get a free turn, which brought me a 3...and won another nice pot. I was up and down between 5500 and 15,000 for about 4 hours. I got put into spots that were brutal, having to fold trip tens on a hand where I was 97% positive that the other guy either had a better ten...or a small set that turned into a boat. He assured me I made a great fold, and I guess I believe him. It was just a very frustrating day. The last big blow was when this dork raised in early position with A10...and I should have re-popped him with AQ at cutoff...but I think we all feel the same about AQ. Most of us anyway.

I flatted. The flop came A-10-Q. He checked. I bet. He called. The turn was a 7. He bets now. Unbeknownst to me...this pickle head was hiding a gray ($5k) chip behind his stack. My plan had been to coerce him into stacking off with a min raise if he fired out on the turn, thinking he only had 4500 remaining. So when he led for 2250, I raised him to 5800. He says "All in" and out comes this gray chip from hiding. WTF!??? Whatever, I wasn't folding anyway...just thought I was, well...you get the picture. It suddenly became around 9500 instead. So when he cockily turned over his two pair...that were no good, I was happy to show him my two better pair...until the dealer gave him a fucking 10 on the river.

Then that all-too-familiar feeling of being kicked in the gut showed up. Holy shit. Why? I was supposed to come over here, after the birth of Carley...and run like the wind, wasn't I? It's just been one humbling beat after another, all week. I was left with very few chips...which I got in a couple hands later with Q10d. I ran smack into 10-10. However, I flopped a flush! Still had a prayer. Cancel the prayer. I would get JJ in the small blind...and with action folded around to us...raised the big blind, who put me all in with AJ. He hit the ace...right on the flop. And I was out. I think that event was eventually won by Jacob 'Nocko' Naquin....a really good guy and a New Orleans local. I'm glad that someone cool won, at least.

I really have no desire to share all the other humbling and deflating beats this week. It really doesn't matter that much. It's just been a really brutal week of poker at a time in my life when I really need to be running good. I guess the one good thing that has been going on this week is that three of the nights, I've been able to get in my car...drive home and see my baby Carley. She is really incredible. And everyone was right when they told me I would discover a new kind of love. Also, my mother is here visiting from Seattle, so I really wanted to be able to spend a little time with her and not just be in New Orleans the whole time. She has a great relationship with Squirrel though...so she has been in great hands.

I managed to play almost all the events. Much to my (and my backer's) chagrin. I think the only one running as poorly as me all week, has been my backer! Well, yesterday I decided to spend the afternoon with my family, and just come over at 5pm and take one shot in the mega. So I played the $355 at 5pm. I started out great. Got my 6k up to 14k and was cruising along pretty well. Then I made a read against this guy who was not a good player, and who was extremely erratic. I won't go too much into detail. Other than to say I raised with AK....had him re-raise me...which I called...then watched him check a flop of 2-3-5. The turn was a 6...and now he bets. But his bet left enough to cause him to fold if he had just fired with air. So it got me to thinking he was the kind of player who could easily have been re-raising me with AQ. Or, it was possible we had the same hand...AK. There was so much in the pot now, that I didn't want to surrender it to him. But I also didn't want to flat his bet. I thought there was a chance I could make him fold.

So I gunned it, moving all in on the guy. He tanks...ah ha! I got him! Caught him bluffing, right!?? "I guess I'm out...I call." Huh? And he turns over KK!!!! What the fuck!??? Yeah...your out buddy. Weird. And no ace or 4 would hit the river, and now I had managed to fall to 2200. I would work my way back up to 9200...and were now 10 away from a seat. I might just pull this off after all. Nope. Forget it. Raised with JJ. Called by 8's. Flop comes 9-8-2. You know the rest of that story. Shit. And was too late to get into the 8pm. So I played the 9pm nightly. Joke. Lasted a while...but not long enough. Lost...got in my car and drove home to Biloxi.

Before I did that though, I presented my backer with a listing of all that I had played, and where our balance was. Told him if he wanted to bail on me for the Main Event I TOTALLY would understand. What he did instead kind of shocked me. I had already contacted my buddy and asked if he had any interest in putting me in the Main, and he said sure. So at least I knew I would be playing for SOMEone. But when I showed this to my guy...he just flat out told me I was playing for him! And handed me buy in chips! Told me I could play at either 12pm or 7pm.

That put me in a great mood. I mean...backing is a tough gig. I've done some of it myself, and its hard to keep giving money to someone who is running bad. So when someone believes in your ability enough to keep trying, it really really makes you (or me at least) want to give 100% effort to bring about a promising outcome. So when I lose, it really hurts. More so than if I was playing on my own nickel. I just hate to disappoint people. I have a odd feeling that this may have come from playing sports as a kid. When my parents or even friends were in the stands, I always felt pressure to succeed, and when I didn't, was pissed with myself. If we had a game, and there was no one there...and I sucked it up, I was never as upset. Is that normal?

So I let my buddy know that I was in. He even proposed that I play at noon...and if things ended badly, he would be willing to pay my second bullet at 7pm if my other guy wasn't. With already 420 entered (as I just looked) and 600-700 now a real possibility...it would NOT have been a bad idea to go with that strategy. But sometimes in life you have to look at what is most important. My Mom took a week off of work to come down and be with us...and I've been over there almost all week. She has to leave Saturday morning. So I thought it was more important to (a) get a good night sleep so I would be fresh and be as sharp as possible (b) go home and see my baby, my wife and my mom.

The other thing...I really like playing the late session a lot better. For a variety of reasons. For one, I always feel like I play better later in the day. I am just kind of a night person. From noon til 4pm I'm always still kind of clearing the fog from my brain. In these Main Events with two starting times...you get a lot of the big pros and guys with deep pockets who will play that first session very wide open and aggressive...knowing that if they lose, they can re-load and fire again at 7pm. And typically, when they come back at 7pm...they play a lot tighter and less aggressive. For a lot of reasons. One being that they are now in for $3200. Another being that now they can see just how much they are playing for..and on this occasion its going to be around $300k probably. Enough of an incentive to NOT play like a stupid asshole. And they no longer have the 'mulligan option.'

So, as I was discussing with some people this morning...yes, you can find yourself in one of those situations with one of those players who are willing to go broke, and maybe get lucky and scoop up some copious amounts of chips on the way to bagging up a hefty sum heading into Day 2. But on the flip side of that...you can also get caught in the crossfire of one of those 'chip wars' and end up taking a horrendous beats and being left broke and trying to get back in for a 2nd shot at 7pm. I guess the RIGHT PLAY would be to always play at noon...and try to chip up...and be willing to play again at 7pm. But with my circumstances being what they are...I have no problem doing it this way.

I'm going to do another blog right after THIS one...sort of a 'sights and sounds' from New Orleans...as well as some fun/exciting news to share. So...I think I will post this one second so it comes out on the top of the page!

Monkey

Sights and Sounds from Big Easy

2012-05-18T16:34:00.001-05:00

So a couple nights a go, a friend shocks me with a phone call. Another friend is sitting with me while I'm playing a SNG...and sees the caller ID on my cell phone when I answered it.

"Was that seriously Allie Prescott? How do YOU get Allie to call you? I call that asshole all the time and not only does he not answer, but he never calls me back. I heard he was holed up in a cabin somewhere in the woods in Arkansas!"

Yes, Maurice (Hawkins) that is correct. That WAS in fact, Allie Prescott, he DID in fact call me...and he HAS been isolated, alone, in a cabin in Arkansas, where he is (allegedly) writing a book. I have no verification of this.

I simply texted Allie last week...as I do about once every two months to make sure he is still alive. Asked him...since he went to school (Tulane) in New Orleans, and it is one of his favorite cities, if he might...MIGHT...be making an appearance there this week. Well, he did respond, and was looking for a place to stay. Well, since him and Barth both know each other, and both played baseball at Tulane, it seemed like a natural scenario to invite him to come down and stay there. Barth was only too enthused to confirm the invitation.

So here comes Mr. Prescott waltzing into Harrah's the other night...while I was in the midst of another agonizing 3rd place finish in a SNG. He looked healthy, and groomed, which is way better than the last time I saw him. We made sure to alert a cocktail waitress to his arrival...and found him his favorite beverage!

The night would turn very bizarre. We ended up at Ernst Cafe...with a bunch of dealers. This was after I almost put a kids face through the wall at Harrah's. I won't go too into detail on that one...other than to say he was about half a foot shorter than me, 100 lbs lighter, and thought because he had two girls who he would NEVER in a million years get to sleep with...that he had the right to say whatever he wanted to me. I was wearing a 'Bama shirt..and if I recall right, he started by saying shit about Alabama...which I could live with. Just another annoying LSU clown. So when I go over to the bar to talk to my other friends who were there...about 8 of them...he makes some quip about something. I look at both girls and tell them they can do a lot better. They laugh. He says something about them being hotter than anything I could get. Blah blah blah...something something something...and he decides to say I'm probably married to a 'fucking elephant' since I like Bama. Okay punk. I grab him by the throat and throw him against the wall.

Luckily all my friends were there to keep it from going any further...granted, I was done with him. I wasn't going to punch him. Was really just trying to scare the shit out of him. But when security showed up, my friends painted a perfect picture. Everything was cool. But we were ready to leave anyway...so we left shortly after that to go to eat.

We go to Ernst. There are about 10 dealers and 4 other players. A handful of them leave. We ask for food. The creepy looking guy tells me the kitchen is closed. That it had just closed. Damn. I ask him if there is ANYTHING at all still left in the kitchen? If he can find ANYTHING at all? So what does this idiot do?

First...I wish I had taken his picture. It's hard to explain how he looked, and I've searched images all over Google trying to find something...and there just isn't anything. He had one of those ugly red chin beards...that hang way too low. Beady little eyes. Tattoos all over him. Very real possibility that he might have been out on work-release. So...with females at our table, he announces:

"Let me dig in here and see what I can find you to eat...." and proceeds to dig into his shorts and pull his cock out and act like he is about to plop it down on the table. Gasps ensue. He packs it away...and giggling, leaves our table. The four of us who saw it sat there with our jaws open. Did we really just witness that? Yes. We did. I went inside to ask the guy what the hell he was thinking? Instead he got in my face, tried to grab me, and was intercepted by a co-worker. When I told the guy what had occurred, he asked the maniac if he had done that. He admitted it. Now, on a normal planet, in a normal city...this is typically where the employee would be fired, right? Sent packing? Asked to leave ASAP? Well...kids...this IS New Orleans. The guy told him to just go finish whatever he was doing and stay away from us.

I'm not sure what happened after that, but somehow, we got invited to the bar...6 of us, for free shots with the bartender. One of the dealers got into a weird conversation with the bartender...and before I knew what had happened, they were challenging each other to a 'Fight Club'-like battle. Huh? About this time...Allie whispers in my ear that he is almost positive he saw the bartender give a sign to the two guys by the doors to close and lock the doors. This was starting to look like one of those things you hear about on the 11 o'clock news.

"Gang breaks into Ernst Cafe...threatens staff...staff shoots gang members in self defense, called 'heroes' by local authorities."

Yeah...I have been around this effed up planet long enough to know how these situations can get out of control. I whispered this same thing to the dealer who was engaging in the 'conversation' with the equally maniacal bartender...and hinted to him that, though I enjoy a fun little fist fight once in awhile with assholes who deserve a solid beat down...I am not very fast, certainly not fast enough to outrun a bullet...and that taking the high road, and getting the fuck out of there, might be the best decision on this occasion. After all...I had only come to this place looking for food. I finally got him to put his fur down...and we all left that place.

Next stop: Barth's house. We walk in...and there are naked people running around. Huh? Oh! It was one of the bartender's birthday, from Barth's place, Out of Bounds. I guess he was having a good party. Along with his naked butt running around was a hefty girl and her almost equally hefty friend, who he was about to be engaging in a threesome with that would make most of us want to kill ourselves the next day. Or at the very least, track down Will Smith and Tommy Lee Jones and have them zap me with that memory thing they carried around in 'Men In Black.'

While they got into the booze....I found some leftover sushi...and made that my bitch. Allie would end up drinking himself dead. Now for those of you who know Allie...you know that this is nothing to worry about.


Mr Prescott...and his new friend. This picture really should be used for a 'Caption Contest' I think!

I woke up the next morning, well..afternoon, to one of the dealers needing my keys, telling me he'd been fired for not showing up for work. Whoops. Walked out to the pool...and found a couple guys, one passed out on an air mattress IN the pool, another on a lounge chair. Found another guy on the couch, one on the floor, and one in a recliner in Barth's theater. It was 2pm. I hooked up Barth's router and got it working...did some shit online...then him, me and Allie took off for the city...and their favorite place, Port of Call. They have famous hamburgers and big huge drinks that Allie couldn't wait to get coursing through his veins. We were about to be playing the $1k tourney at 5pm. So I stuck with soda.

Went and played the 1k after that. Details of that lurid affair appear either on the blog post AFTER this one...or before...not sure which order I posted. Allie chose not to play, but instead to enjoy some more of the New Orleans 'flavor.' Upon losing the 1k event, I made the decision to drive home and be with my family, resisting the temptation to hang out with my old buddy on Bourbon Street and do unspeakable things to my mind and body. I was texted this photo of Allie later from Barth...I guess the night before he did the backyard...so he decided to mix it up and go with the front yard the following night.

In his defense, I have laid down on that front yard...and it IS very plush and soft, and were it not for what I'm sure were conditions of 85-90 degrees and humid the next morning, would not be such a terrible place to sleep.

Allie is a piece of work. One of (without a doubt) the most entertaining people I know. Intelligent, articulate, funny...and just really a good guy. I have had issues with him in the past...not 'issues' that you have with most people, but issues where I am just flummoxed by the mysteriousness of what the hell he is all about. I will have people ask me questions about him...and I just simply never know how to answer them. It's awkward being good friends with someone you seemingly know so little about. And I think he likes it that way. I don't think it's not intentional by any stretch that he keeps a certain amount of distance between himself and others. Why is he down here? I have no idea. Thought maybe he was coming to play some poker. But he hasn't played a hand...and doesn't seem interested in doing so. But for some reason...I just have a feeling that he will end up playing the Main Event...and probably get deep like he always does.

Has anyone heard of a guy called 'Wizard?' Well, if you are from Houston...you might have. He is about as eccentric a guy you will ever see at the poker table. I had him on my right for an event this week. Then Barth did...losing to the guy with a set of aces against some goofy hand like 47 that became a straight on the river. He makes plays like raising 2300 (first raiser) at 50/75...only to fold to a guy shoving all in for 9200. He has zero fear. None. Doesn't care. He is, I'm told, worth...uh...millions. He dresses like...well...I can't even describe it. It is 100% its own style. He has driven serious poker players crazy ALL week. But is secretly living out my dream...if these jerkoffs from Hess ever get a damn drill in the ground on our property in North Dakota and start pulling oil out of the ground. Get so much money that I can't spend it all...and just go play events like a complete idiot, just for shits and giggles.

This is 'The Wizard' and I know...it's a bad picture. Kind of grainy, like those ones shot of Bigfoot walking through the woods. And yes...those shoes are purple! Every day he has a different 'look.' In the day I sat next to him...he was very nice to me. Granted I couldn't understand him a lot of the time. And he takes forever to act on his hand...but hey, whatever.

The thought that keeps creeping into my mind is how I would approach the guy and sell him on my 'Package for Summer 2012' that would see me play a complete schedule of about 20 events in WSOP and maybe another 10-15 events at Venetian...with $5k for travel and hotels....for a 70/30 split...total cost, about $55k. I'm guessing, were I to present the proper way, he might just say "How much? That's all? Sure...here ya go!" And bang...I'm off to fire away at millions all summer. I'm just not real good about those kind of 'conversations.' But if everything I have heard about this guy are true...he is certainly a good option if I were to go out knocking on doors.

But then...if you have a shred of common sense...you find yourself asking the question (of yourself) "if this person has millions of dollars of disposable income...why in the hell would they ever want or need to back a poker player who MIGHT win a million or two? What would winning that money mean to them?" The obvious answer is 'nothing.' And when you have a better chance of just losing whatever you invest in that person, then why bother? Backing poker players is a rough, unforgiving venture. If anyone decides to back a poker player...a certain amount of their decision to do it for that player, is because they have a special place for them in their heart. They WANT to help them, WANT to see them succeed. I mean, if I fall into millions someday, I can't say that I would be going around giving money to everyone who asked. But if I saw a couple guys that I KNEW had the ability, who I liked...but just didn't have access to the funds necessary to take shots at the huge prize pools, I would probably take a flyer on them. Without a doubt.

Lets change topics.

The other day, I was standing in the theater around the place where the supervisors keep all the chips...and this overweight guy walked by me. I was immediately assaulted by a smell that almost knocked me over. Holy shit. "What the....." and as I turned to my right there was a man and a wife who both looked at me and claimed they were both equally floored by the smell. This was about my fourth experience with a smelly beast that day. One of them was with a dealer, who many players in the past have told me smelled horrendous. Well, that day I had the pleasure of being in the 1-seat and got to witness the nightmare for myself. I'd be lying if I told you that his breath and body odor didn't put me on temporary life tilt.

So yesterday....while playing in the Mega satellite, I look over to the table next to me...and OH MY GOD....this is what I see!

As I saw it...I turned to my right and saw the cocktail waitress, Shannon approaching...and saw her face as she saw it...and from the looks of it, she threw up in her mouth. I was just like..."Whoa...how is that massage girl dealing with that?" Then...I realized that it was stinky from the day before. And started wondering if he smelled today like he did yesterday. That massage girl should have been getting hazard pay.

And here is a question. Since they are SO damn fanatical about the 'exposed card' rule in New Orleans...and other venues actually, should it be some kind of penalty for 'exposing your ass' at the table? Maybe a full orbit? Which would allow him time to go put on some fucking underwear? And who the hell made that belt? And is that dealer picking his nose? Or pushing up his glasses? I prefer to think the latter. No massage girl should have to deal with this. Ever.

Any idea what a typical pipe fitting for this thing costs? Can't be much.

Translation: We don't like spending money on hand towels...so you can spend half an hour trying to dry your hands with our shitty hand dryers. Enjoy!

I've had a lot of bad bathroom experiences on this current trip/event. Toilet liners are always out. Hand towels are either out...or they have replaced them with hand dryers that take forever to dry your hands. The pipe fittings on all the urinals are rusty and gross looking. I mean, how much could it possibly cost to replace those? I'm sorry, but I'm big on keeping things sanitary. The hand soap is constantly empty...or barely comes out. Cold water seems to be the preference or warm or hot water. Often times, despite doing contortionist exercises to get the water to come out...it just wont. Remember the days when we just had good old fashioned water faucet handles where we could turn the water off and on? I miss those. And I can't tell you how many times I am standing there waiting to use a stall, with urinals available...and there is some idiot standing there pissing ON THE SEAT...of a stall toilet...then walks out, doesn't wash his hands...and just leaves the bathroom.

These guys, I really, honestly think...deserve to spend a day or two in jail. You're rude. You're inconsiderate. You're dirty. You're just a pig. It disgusts me. But by all means, let me play Mommy and clean up after you, dickface!

I have absolutely NOTHING mean to say about this guy. Surprised? No, actually, he was a very pleasant guy. But I just thought he looked so hilarious with that big, fat cigar hanging out of his mouth...that I had to post his picture. I even told him I took his picture and would probably use it. "No problem!" I like it!

No...I did not get this lady's permission...but she is a blackjack player...doesn't enter our world, and should be safe in her anonymity. I think if you saw this outfit in person...it would be funnier. In fact, I know it would. And she was even funnier from the front. But that is a filthy dirty pink skirt. Worn with pink and white, beat-to-shit boots...and she has a funky tattoo going up the side of her leg. She is in her late 50's from what I could tell. And had a drink in one hand and smoke in another. If I'm a Hollywood director here in town scouting locations, I grab her and make her an extra on the spot!

This lady is hilarious. I was calling her Mrs. Costanza. Kept asking her how George and Frank were doing. Asked if she was still living in Queens. In fact, she USED to live in the Bronx...when she came to our country from...not sure, I would guess Hungary maybe. And she just was oblivious to what I was referring to (Seinfeld, obviously). The rest of the players were howling. And to her credit...she isn't a bad player, at all. She made a play with AA against a guy that was very crafty. So she knows her way around the poker table. But she alternates between glasses on and glasses off...and its comical. She was definitely one of my favorite 'characters' this week!

Moving on to other topics:

I have been officially named the Co-Host of a Poker Radio Show with Scotty Clark. It kicks off this Sunday...and I will be there, from 3pm to 4:30pm Central Time...unless I am at the Final Table of the Main Event. I am already lining up guests, and am pretty sure it's going to be a LOT of fun! I've been unable to figure out how to post this logo for the show...but I will when I figure it out.

I've also signed on with VERVE! (click the link to go to my VERVE website!) energy products to endorse and market/sell their exciting energy drinks and energy 5oz. shots. The guy, Kevin Cooper...literally approached me about it during a tourney, gave me the whole pitch...and let me sample the product. I was really impressed! And here were a couple of other players who had tried it and were ALL singing it's praises. He send me a couple cases to my house and has signed me on. Now I just need to do the follow up work on my end, which I will do when this event is over and I have a few hours to get all my ducks in a row. VERVE! is a great alternative to Red Bull. I've tried a lot of the others...and HATED them. This one actually tastes great...and (unlike Red Bull, which I just drink for the flavor) GAVE ME a boost...and also doesn't contain all the horrendous ingredients that are slowly killing your insides like Red Bull. But the only way to get it...is on a private purchase. Consider me YOUR GUY! And yeah...of course, I get a little something when you order a product through my site. Not anything major...but with a new baby on board, I will take whatever I can get!

Okay...I have to get ready to go play this Main Event....please please please Poker Gods....let me enjoy one tourney of unprecedented 'run good!'

Monkey

WSOP NOLA UPDATE...Home for Mother's Day

2012-05-14T01:20:00.003-05:00

Hey folks!

The first four days of the WSOP-C event in New Orleans have been met with mixed results. But, nonetheless I am sitting here on late Sunday night, in Biloxi, on my couch with a dog on both sides of me...and my mom, and my baby's mom, all in bed for the night...and a smile on my face.

It's the first time my mother has ever been 'down south' to visit us. We have always flown out to Seattle, or Montana...or Hawaii, to spend time with my mom. It's nice to have her here. And she was so happy to see Carley. As everyone else has been. She really is quite an amazing little baby. And I know maybe I'm biased, by hey...I think I'm supposed to be!

I got in my car last night at 9:04pm...after watching the 3rd period of Game 7 between my favorite hockey team, the NY Rangers...and the Washington Capitals. The Rangers closed them out and advanced to the East Finals against longtime rival New Jersey...who surprised the surging Flyers in 5 games. It's a rematch of the East Final when the Rangers last won the Stanley Cup in 1994...a year after I surrendered my season tickets and moved to Atlanta (from NYC) to open a bar with friends. I have managed to convince myself that the Rangers are going to do it this year. In the year of my only child's birth.

Before watching that game...I played a SNG...after having busted out of both the noon $565 (yeah, they are seriously charging $65 juice) and then the 5pm $355 PLO tourney. We got 3-handed (2 winners) and both guys were kind of panicking about losing. I didn't have the chiplead....and the one younger guy wanted to offer that I got first place money ($550) and the two of them split the other $550. I was like..."Huh? Why would the old guy EVER do that?" And he didn't. But then after I raised on consecutive hands at 200/400...and took down both pots...he suddenly decided he was cool with that. Wow! I kind of consider that the ultimate compliment as a player...when that occurs.

I promised my wife after I busted the tourney that I was going to play one and only one SNG...and then would be home. So even though a seat was open on a table next to ours..and I would like to stay hot in SNG's...where I am now 3 for 4 on this brief trip...a promise was a promise...and plus my Mom had just flown in...and I was really, really wanting to see Carley Grace!

So while I am 3 for 4 in SNG's...my tourneys have not been going so well. On the first one...I started out great. From 10k to 15k at break. Then 22k at the next break. Then right before dinner, I raise with KK. A guy calls me. Short stack shoves 8k. Then the big blind just open shoves 30k. No way I was folding KK. Not to that guy. I was up against QQ and 66. I held. And at dinner had 46k. Sweet. The average was 23k. Was feeling pretty good...and knew it would wind up having about 1000 players...what with day 1b's players the following day.

Came back after dinner...and went card dead. As shit. Blinded down from 46k to about 25k. In three hours. Couldn't even find any spots to pick up a pot now and then. I might have raised twice in 10 orbits and picked up some B&A's. That was it. Then I get the dreaded penalty.

Not sure why the fuck these tourney directors can't cool it on the stupid 'exposed card' rule...but they just won't give a centimeter. The players all hate it with a passion. We all feel like we are being treated like children. For the guy who carelessly folds, and has his cards turn over? Or the player who doesn't care...and frustratingly shows his cards...sure, give them a penalty. And a ten-hand penalty is brutal. Especially late in a tourney. But to give out these penalties to a player who has their cards turn over in purely (and obvious) accidental fashion? There just HAS to be a certain amount of judgment and/or discretion used by either the dealer and/or the floor person. They have decided to go with a ZERO TOLERANCE policy on it...and its ridiculous.

So, while folding, in the midst of an 8-orbit deep freeze...my cards slide up the mound of chips in the middle of the table and flip over. I cringe. Fuck. I know its coming. Even while the players at the table tried to defend me. No matter. Ten hands. Son of a .....!!!!!

I spend half an hour steaming. Come back. Remain card dead. Was now down to about 23k...and time was running out on day 1. We had started with 368 players and were now down to 53. Finally...they announced..."One more hand dealers!" Great. I'm not going to lie...I wasn't thrilled about coming back with 23k. Especially after having chips ALL DAY. But whatever. The blinds were 1000/2000...so if I was coming back with 10 BB's, so be it...at least we would almost be in the money.

So what happens? Mr. Aggressive UTG guy raises to 4500. It folds around to me. I look down at two aces. Wow. How nice. I re-raise to 10,000. He goes into a big dramatic production. I am accused of thinking he was just trying to pick up the last hand of the night. I'm not sure what I want to tell this guy...tell him too much and he might fold. Not enough and...well, coupled with the fact that I was tired, and wanted to have the next day off so I could go home, see my baby, and welcome my mom to town Saturday before having to be back for the restart on Saturday at 2pm.

He shoves all in. I snap call. "Oh shit" he says. I'm looking at KQ. Dealer flops K-3-4. Ugh. Never want to see them hit the flop there. The turn is a 5...giving me MORE outs...just in case...but not really relevant I guess. River? Fucking Q. I feel that sinking feeling in my gut. Fuck. No way! 11 hours. Poof! Gone. No day off. No drive home. No 55k+ chips going in my bag. Damn. Walked over to SNG land...won one and lost one. Then went to my buddy's house for a short night of sleep. Before having to come back and try again in Day 1b.

They have been juggling the Sit N Go area, between the theater where the events are held...and out in front of the noisy cash game area. You can make arguments for liking both places. The theatre, because its quiet, and smoke-free. The casino area...because you get a lot of overflow from players waiting on the cash game...players who don't play many SNG's or tourneys...and who's style is very easy to identify. They are impatient. They overbet a lot. They are trying to chip early or get out. I am only to happy to try and help them with that. If I get good cards, I slow play/trap their asses into chip suicide...and if I don't get any cards...I just sit and wait for it to get 4-handed...which, with those players...it tends to get to that point pretty quickly. So...I guess I kind of prefer them to have the SNG's in that loud, noisy area for that simple fact.

As far as turnout? I don't think anyone was every doubting that there would be a good turnout. Add to the fact New Orleans always draws well for the final WSOP-C event of the season...and you have all those Freeroll point chasers, of which I am one of, albeit, on the lower end of the scale. The $565 event on Saturday ended up getting over 350 as well, to go along with the 975 or so for the first two-day event. The bottom line? There is good money to be won in Nola this week.

I will head back tomorrow morning with a renewed vigor, after having spent a nice Mother's Day at home with my mom, and my wife and Carley...and of course, my dogs...who always miss me when I'm away.

I would write more...and oh...there is a LOT more to tell you...but I came to bed when my laptop was about to die...and I now have Squirrel laying over there doing that deep sigh through her nostrils over and over because my pecking on the keyboard is driving her nuts. Combined with the noise the dryer is making from my jeans and sweatshirt...I think she is about to lose it.

GOOD NIGHT! See a lot of you tomorrow!

Oh...and in case I didn't mention, I really appreciate all the nice things everyone has said over there about us having the baby. It's nice to know so many of you care enough to mention her. Now how bout y'all let me win a tourney so I don't have to stress out about money for a while!!!???

Monkey.

New Poker Room at Isle of Capri in Biloxi??!!

2012-05-08T15:43:00.002-05:00

Wow! You guys sure do love a little scandal! And I swear...that was NOT my reason for posting that last entry. I was just sitting here on my couch...and when I read that asshole's latest anonymous comment, I just kind of snapped. Whatever. My hits went berserk for two days in a row.

I'm pretty sure I know who the jerkoff is, too. A guy who has been an integral part of a lot of personal BS in my life over the past 4 years. A guy who runs around hocking counterfeit items to players at events. A guy who...oh I will stop there. I won't praddle on about how he...oh stop it, Monkey. Yeah yeah...I hear you guys, the voices of reason. 'Just ignore that crap.' Okay. I will. Try. Grrrr...

Played on Lock again last night. So...okay I guess what the deal is...best that I can figure out...is that they are splitting off from the Merge network...which I know Felt Stars is a part of. I'm not exactly sure how those guys work all that shit. Like, before 'Black Friday' hit...I was offered a pretty sweet deal by Felt Stars. Part of it (100% rakeback) actually went into effect. But before I could finalize the deal, their main guy...who I was dealing with through an intermediary...suddenly left the company. Perfect! I know that I was getting that rakeback money. But when I played on Lock Poker...which is the same network, I wasn't getting rakeback on that site. So obviously, there are somethings that aren't inclusive.

Someone asked me if those events they run...like, for example the Poker Maximus...that recently ran on..well, one of those sites, if they run that event on both sites, or 'skins.' The answer? I have no idea. And don't feel like researching it. Hell, do I look like a reporter on 60 Minutes?

Oh...sorry, sidetracked. So it seems as though Lock is leaving Merge, then buying Cake, who has some sites/skins that I've never played on. I'm guessing they will just either offer to cash people out or offer to transfer them over to the new site/network. I'm not going to sweat it though...since I'm really only invested for $0 on Felt..having received my initial $50 from Jason Young...so whatever my balance is...is just profit. If I lose it...it will be like all that money I've lost loaning people money who gave me the most incredible pitch on how they were going to repay me. On time. With interest. Blah blah blah...I've managed to cut down my 'burn loans' a lot in the past year or so...but I'm still at about $4500 this year. Anyone who ever approaches me for a loan...warning:

You better have the most INCREDIBLE presentation of ALL TIME!!! And think about possibly hypnotizing me first!

So I played on Lock again last night. Min cashed the 6k $11 buy in. Then made the final table in the $11 PLO H/L tourney...only to catch ZERO breaks...and bust out 9th. Annoying. It was another minimal profit night. But hey! It was a great night...because while THAT was going on...I was watching Game 5 of the Rangers and Capitals.

My boys took a 1-0 lead...but then squandered it away...trailing 2-1 with under a minute left. Then Joel Ward of the Caps picked an awesome time to whack a Ranger in the face with his stick! Two separate penalties! One...allowed the Rangers to score with 6.6 seconds in regulation...and the 2nd...that allowed the Blueshirts to win it in overtime! I went a little nuts! I love the Stanley Cup playoffs! Then I watched the Phoenix Coyotes beat Nashville...and Carrie Underwood's husband...to advance to meet LA for their first-ever appearance in the West Finals. This postseason effort probably saved hockey in Phoenix.

Squirrel has got cabin fever...big time. So tonight...for the first time in 13 days (since Carley arrived) one of her good friends has offered to take care of her for a couple hours so we can go to dinner. The whole pregnancy, Squirrel had to lay off sushi...which she inherited a passion for after being with me. Well, pregnancy forbids the consumption of sushi. So I guess you know where we are going to dinner tonight!!! I spent all morning working on my new Life Insurance policy (upgraded after my better medical results!) and my taxes. Feels good to get caught up everything I can before an event starts...so I don't have anything stressing me out while I'm at the table.

Ah...so yeah, the title of my blog today was about the Isle of Capri here in Biloxi...which has taken on a few 'saucy' nicknames in the past. One of them...as a result of the damage done by Hurricane Katrina in 2006...Pile of Debris. Well, I think they have been going to great extremes to appeal to Biloxi and the tourists who come here...making upgrades to the casino and the hotel itself. Then comes word that they are expanding their poker room...from what was more of a walk in closet...to what I am told is a 30-table room. In a different location. Great idea. I'm not sure why the Hard Rock does no business here. But it doesn't. And the IP...they pretty much stay the same. They recently added a nightly $130 Bounty tourney on Thursday night...that I was hoping would take off and be an alternative to the only nightly tourney in town...that being the Beau Rivage, of course.

Well, as the IP has failed to do in many past events, they never market anything. I've had players telling me they wouldn't know they were running it if they hadn't read about it on my blog. That's kind of discouraging. It even got cancelled this past week.

So this got me to thinking. Hmmm. I've got a new baby. I'm sort of burnt out on playing poker. I have a strong desire to stop traveling so much. From being away from my family. And my dogs. I've had a lot of jobs in the past...in numerous fields...real estate, restaurant management, liquor and wine sales, TV production...and while all of them offer some measure of enjoyment, I'm just not sure there are any reasonable opportunities in the Biloxi/Gulfport area. I mean...I'm not thrilled about any scenario that has me quitting tournament poker so that I can go work 9-5 to make barely enough money to survive.

So...I was thinking. Hmmm. Most of those in town know I have 'issues' with the Beau Rivage. Well, actually I have NO issue with the Beau Rivage. At all. But a certain poker room manager, who's name rhymes with Lonny Brumes...has a problem with ME. For whatever reason. Maybe because I wear a suit better than him. Or my jokes are funnier. Or my wife is hotter. All of those could be reasons. But who am I to try to comprehend the ways the incomprehensible think?

So. How about this for an idea? Part time job. At Isle of Capri. As their Poker Tournament Supervisor? Just so happens that MGM as a company...has been DROPPED by WPT across the board. WPT is now a free agent. Well, not totally. They have entered into a deal with Boyd Gaming. But the WSOP is also always looking for casinos willing to 'do the work' to attract the worlds biggest poker entity. And who would know how to run a great event better than yours truly? Not very many others. Oh, I have a lot of ideas to make a casino here in Biloxi a top-notch poker room. Promotions, scheduling of events...lots of ideas.

Have I talked to anyone over there? Nope. I haven't. Haven't even put out any feelers. And of course, I would have to get licensed in the State of Mississippi..but since I am without criminal record, and don't use drugs, I can assume that would be a piece of cake. Just kind of something rolling around in the back of my head. And hey! I have lost a good amount of weight this year...so much so that I might actually look okay in a shirt and tie again!!! Boy oh boy would that freak some of you out! Seeing me in a suit and tie!!! Ha!!!

Oh. Pill update. Yeah, I know. Huh? Pill update? Yeah...every so often I get little snarky comments about pill usage. Apparently there are those out there who envision me with a pez dispenser containing every pill under the sun. Pffft...silly rabbit, that's just crazy! Now...I have associated with some fellow players in the past...who, upon getting their hands on a loratab here, a percocet there...and adderal's wherever they can be found (nationwide shortage) will gobble them down like Beavis at a candy bowl on Halloween. Simply not the case with me.

I would say this pisses me off and offends me. But...it doesn't. Not at all. I know how people are. If they know you HAVE pills...then they just automatically decide to accuse you of being a pill head. Yeah. Okay. Gotcha. Well, dickface left a comment yesterday that 'due to my pill popping ways...my blog entries just keep getting crazier and crazier!' Well, if, indeed my blog posts are getting crazier and crazier...we will simply have to find another reason for it. Because as I sit here...the last pill I had, was an adderal to help me with the drive back from Iowa with Kai. That was...what? Three weeks ago? A month? While I was in Council Bluffs? I had a total of ONE adderal. I also had ONE loratab...which I took on the 11th hour of a noon tourney...when the pain in my lower back became unbearable.

Now, I know I don't have an obligation to share any of this with you folks. But I just sort of felt like clarifying a couple things. I lack an addictive personality. I've never abused anything in my life. Ever. I've been around alcoholics, and drug addicts. I know all their signs. It freaks me out. I am simply a creature of moderation. If I buy a cache of pills...I buy them in small quantities, and they always last me 6 months to a year. If that makes me a drug/pill addict...then yeah, you got me, sucka! And by the way...people will occasionally ask me for a pill (because they know or think I might have one) and they seem to usually be dealers. And I won't ever charge someone for one. If I think they really need one...and aren't just a junky...I don't mind giving them one. I'm not sure if this would subject me to criminal charges...it might. So if someone ever tries to 'trap' me like this...I will sniff it out.

Okay...whoa...I'm done with that topic. I'm just sick of you clowns trying to pin the 'pill head' thing on me for lack of any creativity when it comes to criticizing me. Find some new material jagoffs.

Okay. That spells the end of today's blog entry! Off to backup my hard drive (an experiment I'm fiddling with) and then sushi with Squirrel!

Monkey

Try Signing Your Name...Coward!

2012-05-07T18:26:00.003-05:00

Yeah I'm speaking to the guy who thinks he has my whole life figured out...who likes to leave unsigned comments on my blog. Yeah..I'm reading your comments. Hater. Just so you know...your comments don't really bother me. What I do find sad, though...is you make them with such bravado, and such glaring confidence in yourself...and YET...for some reason, you refuse to sign your name to them. Why?

Why is it the coward who always has the MOST to say, who is always the most critical, the most insulting, and the most creative in ways to try and put people down...but ironically, they will never take personal accountability for their words. This was the same guy in school, who was always talking a tough fight...but when the day finally arrived, where someone actually stood up to him, he always got the shit kicked out of him.

So...yo! Mr. Asshole. Want to talk to me about all the garbage you are tossing out? Shoot me an email. ThePokerMonkey1@aol.com. Or perhaps we can meet somewhere for 'lunch.' Or maybe...if you happen to be in New Orleans this next week, you can just come up, tap me on the shoulder and tell me you're the prick who's been leaving the shitty comments about me, my family, and my overall state of being. Then perhaps we can find out just HOW much of a brave guy you are. Or, you could just sign your name to your comments, and I will be happy to publish them. Your 'real' name.

I now return you other folks to your regularly scheduled daily activities. I'm going to watch the Rangers in Game 5 now!

Monkey

Lock Poker....Dead or Alive??

2012-05-06T20:32:00.003-05:00

It's Sunday. I know! Two blogs in two days! What the hell? Okay...I'm not trying to be Matthew Chang...but seriously...whassup!???

Just finished reading Kai Landry's new blog...where he is giving the masterful breakdown to his "Buy 1% KaiShares for New Orleans" pyramid scheme! And of course, as a team player I pledged to buy 3 shares at $35 per share, in exchange for 3% of his total action in NOLA this next week.

I did my spot on Scott Clark's radio show...his inaugural show on the internet Blog Radio network. It went pretty good I guess. Not sure how many, if any of you, heard it. No real earth-shattering material was covered. His show happens to be sponsored by Lock Poker.

Last night on Lock...I managed to bubble a final table, actually kind of blew that one...since the only pay spot worth a shit was 1st and 2nd...I gambled that I had this guy. I was wrong. I went out 10th. Whatever. had a couple of min cashes throughout the day and then finished up by losing about $75 playing PLO after upping my stakes a bit. Couldn't believe me river beats I took...fucking ill.

So a little while ago, I get a message on Facebook from Michael Hallen telling me he just saw a Twitter from John Aguiar warning anyone and everyone that they should get their money (if they have any) off of Lock ASAP...as this was his posted message:

Get your money off @lockpoker immediately!!! Seems they are making moves to get control of player funds and leave merge #warningsigns
Retweeted by Michael Laake

Now I don't even really know what this means. Who is trying to take control of players' funds? Lock Poker? The government? Great...stands to reason...I finally get on a site where I am enjoying a little success, running $34 two weeks ago up to $455 with two wins, a couple of seconds and a bunch of min cashes...and sure enough...its probably about to vanish. I run good. Or maybe its just someone with an ax to grind causing an uproar out of spite. That's the problem with shit like this...if you take heed, it ends up being a false alarm. If you ignore it, you end up regretting it. You can't really make a 100% decision with any high degree of confidence. Perfect.

So...if one of you REALLY knows the deal with Lock Poker...will you please let me know??? THANKS!

Four days til New Orleans. Can't freaking wait! I really feel good things coming for this event. And if I do have a great event...what comes next? Not really sure. Squirrel is off work until July. And I already know she wants to go home in June so all her family and friends up there can meet Carley. Will I be allowed to go to Vegas? Will I even want to? If I have a REALLY good NOLA event...I would probably want to just stay home for the summer with my baby. And maybe just fly out to Vegas the first week of July and play the Main Event. Kind of hard not to take a shot at $10m! Especially when I have a better chance than (in my opinion) 75% of the field.

I have been spinning around a couple thoughts in my head regarding Las Vegas this summer. One thing I have NEVER, in 7 years gone...is play a complete schedule at Rio. Granted...three of those summers were interrupted by my nice little 2.5 year ban from the summer WSOP (even though I was able to play circuit events) that finally ended last year, finally. I think the most events I've played in any summer at WSOP was 4. I cashed once, back in 2006 I think...in the $2k. I've played the Main Event now...wow, three? Or four times. And every time I went out in Day 3. Twice with QQ. Once after flopping top set. Sweet memory that one.

I happen to be a pretty firm believer that were I to play a full schedule...and by full schedule I don't mean EVERY single event. That's almost physically impossible. Nor would I want to. While playing that event...you simply HAVE to take days off while you are there. It's such a mental grind...that those days to just chill out, spend a day at the pool, maybe the gym...or just going off and taking a hike in the hills...keep you fresh and focused. And motivated to succeed. You sit there day after day after day getting run down, sucked out on, donked out on...and you start to lose hope, and desire...and finally, your motivation just dies too. You're just there because you have nowhere else to go. Or you're chasing your losses. It sucks. It sucks huge. I mean it when I say it. There is NO better place to be when you are running good than Vegas...and no WORSE place to be when you're running like shit.

Excuse me, I got off topic there. I am...as I was saying, a pretty firm believer that were I to play a full schedule for the WSOP...I would have a very, very good chance at cashing about 5 or 6 times..and winning $500k or more. And by full schedule, I mean playing about 15-20 events.

(6) $1000 buy in tourneys (all NL)

(10) $1500 buy in tourneys (most NL, some Omaha)

(1) $2500 buy in tourney (NL)

(1) $3000 buy in tourney (NL)

(1) $5000 buy in tourney (NL)

and of course

(1) $10,000 WSOP Main Event (NL)

Grand Total (20 events) $41,500

I've been rolling the idea around in my head now for a few weeks about pitching this 'offer' to someone with deep pockets. Someone who knows me as a player. And who obviously trusts me. I typically play for a 60/40 or 50/50 split...depending on the stakes and other factors. But for the WSOP? For what could be a sort of 'last resort' make-it-or-break it run for me before settling in to fatherhood...and having to be content to just play 3 or 4 events a year...instead of the 10 or so I have been playing the last five years. I think due to the value associated with ALL of the WSOP events, it offers a huge amount of upside to playing for a smaller percentage than usual.

The only downside...which is easily remedied, is if you score a major hit. You would have to pay the taxes on the full amount. So...say I entered into a 70/30 deal with one investor...and I took 3rd in the $1500 for $485,000? My share would be just a shade under $150k. And my taxes on that would be a good amount already. But the taxes on the other $300K? I would have to pay those too...and my profit would almost be eaten up paying those taxes. A big loser for me! So the solution? pretty simple really. Either document the shared winnings, and get a separate W2 (or whatever form it is) for your investor. That...or take 35% of their winnings ($300,000) and use it to cover the taxes yourself. Either way...you can't ignore the tax implication...because the IRS sure as shit doesn't.

I wasn't sure if I wanted to float this idea BEFORE the New Orleans event...or after. Float it after...and maybe I will have had such a great event in NOLA that I don't WANT to get a backer. Or maybe even have a good event...but still want a backer anyway, but get in late, after a lot of those guys have already thrown their saddle on other 'horses.' Float the idea before...and actually lock someone up...then go destroy the NOLA event...maybe even top 3 the Main Event...then lament that I'm stuck now playing for 30/70 all summer. Because one thing I don't ever do? I don't ever renege on a deal. If I tell a guy..."Yes, I WILL play for you...30/70...in 20 events this summer...for a total of $41,500" then you know what? That is what I do. Period. If I want to play some events for 100% of the action...then there is always Venetian on my days that I don't play one of those other 20 events. Or Golden Nugget, Binions...or other Rio events like those massive $200 2nd chance tourneys they started.

Did you all know...the Rio added MORE space to their already massive tourney. Even though they had a SHIT TON of tables last year...they still were having to close registration for a lot of tourneys...even pushing back start times a lot...because they didn't have enough tables. Well, this year...I am told they now have enough tables to seat 8000 players! Yeah! Not kidding! My buddy who works for the WSOP told me they were going to employ...what was the number? I want to say 1300. DEALERS! Crazy!!! I mean...we are talking about some HUGE prize pools in those $1k and $1500 events. I think the biggest field they had last summer in those was around 3200 players. They will destroy those numbers! It's awfully hard NOT to be excited about this summer's WSOP.

So...yeah, if you want to single-handedly take my action this summer...such that I can tell my wife..."Wife, we have a deal to play a full schedule, with the chance to come home with millions...may I have your permission and blessing to pursue this?" Then let me know. Most of you know how to contact me. If not...the email works best. ThePokerMonkey1@aol.com

Brandon Jarrett sent me something a couple weeks that opened my eyes. That website, Hendon Mob...apparently they publish a list of the players with the most lifetime cashes. I am at #97...in the world...EVER. Wow. I found that pretty surprising. And cool. In looking at the list...they are missing 6 or 7 cashes too. CardPlayer's website has me listed with 110 cashes, compared to 106 on Hendon. And the fine folks from New Orleans Harrah's...who ran the Winter Bayou Classic last December...never did (even after promising me they would) get around to reporting all the cash finishes from their tourneys there. I had 3 cashes in that event...including the Main Event.

They wonder why we care about that stuff! Well, that's one good reason. Try getting a backer and not being able to find any results on the guy. We pay our fee as players...and one of the expectations, is that they will simply email the results to the poker media. Not that much to ask, I don't think. So far in 2012...I have a total of 16 (mostly reported, some nightly wins and cashes NOT reported) cashes, on a very limited schedule. I'm pretty sure that's the most I've had this early in the year since I started playing. The only problem...they are all mostly min-cashes. But I know a good score is coming. Just requires patience and a bit of good luck.

Maybe when I'm back in New Orleans this week, I can badger those guys about turning those results in from December...I'm pretty sure I'm not the only player annoyed by those results not getting turned in and posted.

Okay...it's movie night here in the Souther household. I gave the dogs baths today...and downloaded three movies (which took forever...this U-Verse internet isn't as lightning-fast as I was led to believe it would be) on my XBOX360 that aren't available yet on Redbox...'Contraband.' 'Haywire,' and 'God Bless America' which hasn't been released in theaters yet. Not sure how that works. But it looked hilarious. So after watching Squirrel fly around cleaning all day (typical Sunday) I finally got her to sit down so we can watch some movies together.

Oh...by the way...update on ESPN 'situation.' Apparently my emails to them were enough to nudge them into restoring my chat privileges on the ESPN.com message boards. Ahhhh...my world, as I know it, has been restored to nearly complete normalcy.

MONKEY

Gettin' itchy for New Orleans!!! Hey ESPN! YOU SUCK!!!

2012-05-05T13:35:00.000-05:00

Greetings! And happy weekend to everyone!

Just got a Facebook invitation from the infamous Linda Keenan from New Orleans to watch today's Kentucky Derby at her Derby Party. Sounds fun. And festive. Honestly...I hate horse racing. Not that I hate horses. I love them. As I do most animals. I hate when horses die. And they die a lot in racing. Both on the track and behind the scenes. I couldn't name one horse in this year's field. As is usually the case until about an hour before they run. But this is an annual rite of spring, it seems. Whoever wins the Derby...you then have to follow that horse, becoming it's fan...and hoping it wins the next two legs of the Triple Crown...giving us our first Triple Crown winner since 1977 and 1978 when Seattle Slew and Affirmed when back-to-back. Horse racing's Golden Era. Since then its just been a whole bunch of close calls. So...let the chase begin.

Cheryl's mother, who has been with us since last Tuesday night...and has been such a huge help with Carley, while also getting so attached to her, just left this morning. Cheryl is very close to her mom...and weeped when she left. I don't know how many married men can say they are crazy about their mother-in-laws. I feel blessed to have married into such a wonderful family. I was admittedly very sad to see her leave today also. But she had to race off to North Alabama to watch her grandsons' baseball games later today. She's quite the 'Mimi!

Last night on Lock Poker...I booked ANOTHER 2nd place finish. That's now two nights in a row...after two 1st places last week. And in both I had my opponent drawing so thin...only to get rivered in both, and settle for 2nd. Both fields were over 225 players, so while the buy ins were small, $5 in both...and the payouts small...it still feels really good with New Orleans WSOP-C coming up to be having these results. Obviously, I am doing something right...especially to do be doing that online...where I've never run good.

Lock Poker is sponsoring Scotty Clark's new poker radio show...which kicks off May 6th, this Sunday at 3pm. I am flattered to have been asked by Scott to appear on the show. I'm not sure how many guests he is having, but I am coming on at 3:30, right after Steve Dannenman. What the topics will be, I am not really sure. There certainly is no shortage of things to talk about in the poker world, that's for sure. Here is a LINK to Scotty's Show.

Been watching a lot of playoffs this week, both NHL and a little bit of NBA. A couple of commercials keep appearing on TV. One that I find tremendously baffling is one touting the field of internet security...and offering online college courses in a school called, ya ready? University of Maryland University College. I'm not kidding. CLICK HERE if you don't believe me.

I would just liked to have been in on the brainstorming session that took place when coming up with the repetitive, redundant name for a learning institution.

The other commercial that has me on life tilt every time it comes on is one that is local. It's for Magnolia Federal...which I believe is a credit union. They have this jingle...it is like a woodpecker on my brain. Every time it comes on...and there is the line of them clapping, almost all of them off beat...to this stupid jingle. I searched for it on YouTube...but the new ad, which I'm apparently being driven crazy by, is nowhere to be found. What I DID locate, was their older ad. Oh God...there is more than just THAT one!??? I am particularly annoyed by this older, overweight guy with this huge bulbous nose who stands in the middle of them...and claps like that white guy on Soul Train. Here ya go, treat yourself!

If you are one of those people who enjoys the 'girl parade wave' then you will enjoy the girl at the end of the clip. If you live in the South Mississippi area, I'm sure you have seen their new commercial...now hopefully it will aggravate you as much as it annoys me! Now that I have planted the seed in your brain!

Does anyone watch Poker After Dark? I try. Sometimes. I just can't stomach it. I think one of the main reasons, is because I know most of them, have played with them...and while watching them, it's just stupid watching them TRY to manufacture interesting conversation. Taking unsuccessful stabs at being funny and/or entertaining. And it's so forced and contrived that it just becomes irritating and ridiculous. I'm sorry, but you can't take a boring, conservative player...drop them on a TV show, and expect this amazing character to come blossoming out of them. So I'm watching the other night and they have Lederer and a couple other players there plastered in Full Tilt Poker patches. Dawned on me...this HAD to be a re-run from over a year ago, right? Would those guys even DARE pull that stunt today? At any rate...I hate that show, and most of them like it.

Something really, really sad happened this week. And it happened right on the heels of something that further angered local Saints fans...and those of us fans who are just getting a little sick of the seemingly abuse of power being demonstrated on a daily basis by Roger 'Ginger Kid' Goodell. Yeah, the Saints were slapped with more punishment...as individual players were suspended for their roles in the 'Bounty Scandal.' Yes...if you recall, I have called for an end to the use of the word 'Gate' as it applies to any kind of scandal. I will call scandals....scandals.

Well...as I am perusing the comment board on ESPN.com...which was only a couple of days before the ESPN censors would ban me from posting on there...someone posted a very simple comment: Junior Seau dead. Suicide. RIP. Huh? What is this guy talking about, I wondered? Which caused me to frantically checking all my sports news sites...nothing. A mean, evil hoax? Why would someone just post that? Looked on Google, Yahoo and MSNBC...nothing. Strange. Then I went to my 'other' source for up-to-the-second news...my television. And there it was.

Oh wow. What the hell? Why? I grew up watching this guy for the past 20 years...and came to love how he played. That's a guy who went to USC...and as a Washington Husky...we are trained to hate USC players...like 'Bama hates Auburn. And I still loved the guy. He always played so hard...leaving everything on the field. I was so disappointed for him when, in his 2nd (and final) shot at a Super Bowl ring, the heavily favored Patriots, where were undefeated and about to supplant the '74 Miami Dolphins as the only team to go through a complete season unbeaten...fell to the NY Giants. Junior, who is a sure Hall of Famer...was deprived of that one thing that all the greats strive for; a ring. As was Randy Moss...who I feel quite a lot less sorry for.

As seems to be the case...the message boards became a place to see the best and worst in people. Some lauding him for his great career, and his sparkling personality. Then there were those calling him all the names they would NEVER in a million years say to his face, like coward, for committing suicide. Others wanted to bring up his past transgressions with his wife...which in my opinion was a private matter, and one which almost always has two sides to the story. Then there were the 'experts' on there who wanted to diagnose the reasons for his death. It had to be the concussions! Maybe it was the steroids! Steroids? Did I miss something? Was Seau ever banned for steroid use? I literally HATE the people who can't just respect the dead. Can't just honor the man for his accomplishments, and show some sympathy for a man who was obviously troubled by demons he couldn't find a way to defeat.

I find it comical when people call people who kill themselves a coward. Especially when someone blows themselves away with a gun. I don't know about you...but if I were to take a cowardly exit from this planet...it wouldn't be via a gunshot blast. It would likely be a fistful of pills and a bottle of Jack Daniels. I think it takes quite a bit of balls to lay on a shotgun and pull the trigger. But you have to consider the source when listening to people call other people (dead usually) cowards. They tend to be comments coming from spineless little worms.

I prefer to remember Junior as a great football player...a leader...a great teammate, a father...and a man who did great things for his community. I want to share this story with you, that I found on Deadspin.com which by the way is my absolute FAVORITE place to get my sports news...and doesn't have to work within the constraints of ESPN's 'Walt Disney Corporation guidelines.' They use a good amount of tastefully and well-timed profanity in their articles...and welcome comments that you don't have to enter with worrying about 'Big Brother Censors' being offended by your opinion and banning you from making future comments on their site. Yeah more about ESPN in a second. Dicks. Here is the story about Junior, that if you are, or were...a Junior fan...you should read.

THE DAY JUNIOR SEAU PAID FOR MY MEAL...(US MARINE)

So what did ESPN pull on me? First let me say...I've had my share of chat bans in the past, all with Poker Stars. But those were all pretty deserved, me dousing my opponents with some pretty offensive rants for what I perceived to be bad plays. As I've mentioned, I like to read message boards on both ESPN, AOL and YAHOO...and have never gone on there to attack people. I literally try to do nothing but make witty, entertaining, and thought provoking comments. I've never had any kind of warning from any of the sites. I do however see an avalanche of comments on the ESPN site from other users calling attention to the number of comments they've had deleted or making mention to having had their profiles banned from making comments...only to create new profiles and return.

I always wonder..."What the fuck happened to freedom of speech in this country?" ESPN has employed....what they call 'monitors' that are nothing more than sensors, pure and simple. And their task is to remove any comment or ban any user they feel have made what they consider to be an offensive comment. And their 'range' for offensive is off the charts ridiculous. And what I found out...is once banned, they don't even tell you why. Just that 'it appears you have violated Walt Disney Corporations policies on commenting on the message boards and you're profile has been banned from making future comments.' It doesn't tell you WHAT you said. And when I called ESPN..was told they sub-contract that 'department' out to a different company...who then decides who will be banned. Huh? So, ESPN takes zero accountability for cutting ties with their loyal users?

I shared with the phone robot who I was talking to that I've been subscribing to ESPN the Magazine now for 7 years...and that I almost never read it...but keep it so I can have Insider access on the site...which also lets me use the message boards. I told them if my profile wasn't 'UN'banned I would be cancelling my magazine subscription. I was then encouraged to send an email to this OTHER company...which I did yesterday. Still no word from them.

Honestly, I have no idea what led to my getting booted. Only thing that comes to mind is one of two things. A guy was commenting on football, and how Goodell is turning it into a joke...suggesting it would be touch football in a few years. Then compared it to cockfighting or dogfighting (don't ask how...it somehow deviated to that). But when he tried to write cockfighting...it came out #%&*fighting. Why? Because they have those stupid filters like all the poker sites have...where certain words are automatically replaced with symbols. You know? Words like shit, fuck, bitch....the dirty ones. So if you try to spell other words, like cocktail...this also happens. So I merely left a comment below his comment..."if you are trying to say the word cock fight...simply replace the 'O' with a zero, and it will appear as you wish."

The other comment...which I have a feeling might have offended one of the dorks sitting in the Censorship Cubicle of Doom...came as a reply to a guy who posted a question asking why ESPN keeps deleting his comments at a record pace. My reply: "Well, when Communism failed in Russia, where do you think all those writers and editors for Soviet Pravda went looking for work?" Yeah? Was that the one that got me banned? Maybe. Another user posted below me..."Are you being dead serious?"...and thankfully another guy posted below him...."Dude, if you have to ask that question, please do us all a favor and do NOT reproduce!" Amen.

ESPN...The WorldWide Leader in Political Correctness. I used to love ESPN. But as they continue to pull bullshit like this...and my favorite, subjecting us to female commentators calling the action in male dominated sports...my disdain for that network just grows in volumes. Listening to that butch Doris Burke calling an NBA playoff game is about as unnatural as watching Stone Cold Steve Austin hosting a baby shower.

Okay...let's move on. Went to my bank, Wells Fargo the other day. To make a deposit. As I'm standing in line...I could swear I heard this guy at his desk say to two guys across from him something about renter's insurance. My ears perked up. So I investigated, and indeed, what I thought I heard was the real thing. Wow! We own my house in Pensacola...and have been renting it for the past three years (it will be vacant next month, renting for $900 a month, as my tenants are moving out), but the house in Biloxi we rent...for some dumb reason. Well, Squirrel is panicking, thinking with the lack of winter that we are surely about to have a monster hurricane season.

I called 5 different insurance companies...trying to get renters insurance. Not one of them would cover us. Or anyone else living south of I-10. They just don't offer policies in our area. I had pretty much given up on trying. But then boom! Out of nowhere...my bank...yeah, my BANK offers renters insurance. And the process for applying and getting coverage is a breeze. I guess Wells Fargo has a division that handles insurance. Cool. I signed up right away...and for $33 a month, we get coverage on $40,000 worth of stuff in our home...as well as $100,000 liability coverage. That certainly made Squirrel happy. If this is something you have been looking for, and not had any luck with...here ya go. And if maybe you never thought about it...and after reading this think maybe you SHOULD...I would ask that you contact this guy at my bank. For everyone that gets a policy, they are going to give us a $25 gift card to Target...which will help keep us in diapers...which are disappearing at a very alarming rate!!!

HOME RENTERS INSURANCE

DANIEL AZZOPARDI- Personal Banker

daniel.azzopardi@wellsfargo.com

228-385-7463

Tell him you were referred by Will Souther (please!!!)...pretty sure he won't know what you're talking about if you just say "Monkey told me about you!"

What do you guys think of this Secret Service scandal? It's kind of a topic that I guess can go either way. I know one thing for sure...if they thought there was a possible 'breach' in security because a few agents wanted to enjoy the local flavor...which by the way, is LEGAL down there, and one of their largest sources of tourism, how much of a security breach is there now that they have lost a huge number of longtime agents? Do people NOT think this has been going on for years? I'm getting so sick of the media conducting their little witch hunts and costing good people their careers in the interest of what? Social righteousness? In my opinion...its effing ridiculous. Personally...I think if a guy chooses a career that calls for him take a bullet for the people he's protecting...that when he is off the clock and trying to unwind, he SHOULD be getting himself a piece of ass to keep his head straight.

Okay...I had this big checklist of things I wanted to talk about in my next blog post (this one) and I've nearly hit them all. I had the Ron Artest (sorry, I refuse to call any person Metta World Peace) suspension on there...but screw that guy.

He keeps trying to convince us he's changed, that he's this wonderful new person. Bottom line...he isn't. He's a fucking punk. I can't wait til he retires so we can read about how he is broke, destitute, and begging for a spot on the next Celebrity Rehab or whatever the fuck they call that show where washed up has-beens appear.

I also wanted to comment on the gay female scoutmaster who was booted for being gay. It's a touchy subject. Saw the gal, and her lover, in an interview on TV. They both seemed like great parents. The other parents loved having them as their boy scout den leader. But you had to kind of respect the position of the Boy Scouts too...when they said they don't feel the forum for sharing views on sexual choice is amongst Boy Scouts. And I would certainly have to agree with that. I wouldn't want to know that my 12 year old son was going to his Cub Scout or Boy Scout meetings and being lectured by a gay scoutmaster on what was the correct path to travel down in life. But I don't think it can be proven that this is what was happening. Probably just a couple of heavily bigoted parents that went ballistic. Seems like all the kids really liked the gal. Pretty sticky situation. Glad I didn't have to make the call.

There is only one topic I didn't get into...and not sure if I will. It's a mess. And the guy who is involved is a player who has always been very nice to me whenever we play together. But oh well...here it goes. His name is Paul Gibbons. You might be able to look up the story somewhere. He is a part time player. At this year's Chicago Poker Classic, which takes place at the Horseshoe Casino (owned by Caesar's Entertainment, aka Harrah's) in Hammond...a situation arose in the race for the Best All Around Performance...which rewards that player with either a car or the cash equivalent.

Due to the way something was written on a structure sheet, or payout structure...Paul came away feeling he got screwed. Why it came to this was because he only needed a couple of points to win the All-Around. To get points, you have to cash in the event. Well...he played in the Heads Up tourney...and did NOT cash...but for some dumb reason, thought he should get points because of where he finished, even though it wasn't in the money. He has decided to sue Harrah's over it. For $50k. And what's odd, is he has been allowed to continue playing in their events...even though he has a case pending against them. I only say that this is weird because I've always been led to believe that once you file a lawsuit against a casino, you are never stepping foot in there again, at least until the suit is over.

Paul thinks he should have won the All Around. He is basically trying to expose a loophole in the wording in the paperwork to prove his case. Which...sorry, to me is just totally chickenshit. If that is the way you want to screw another player out of that victory...for your own selfish desire for that money...than that makes you, well...a weasel. And to make it worse, some really good people that work at that casino up there might end up losing their jobs over it...which, if that happens, I will go out of my way to make sure they get jobs somewhere else. I am SO FUCKING SICK of good people losing their jobs because of assholes in the world. There is a lot more to this story...obviously...but that is the nuts and bolts of it. Maybe Scott and I will talk about it some when I appear on his radio show tomorrow.

So hey...I think I pretty much hit EVERYTHING. Not sure how much I will post before Thursday gets here. But I will say...I am very excited for New Orleans. I have the same guy who backed me in Iowa backing me for this event. And I have a nice house to stay in over there with my buddy Barth...so that's great. Love not paying for hotels over there...you always pay a LOT more than what you get in return. Plus I will likely be coming home quite a bit to see my little princess, so I would hate paying for days I'm not even over there. I'm going to hopefully play every event...well, actually...hopefully not EVERY event, as I hope to be playing on the second day a few times!!!

Well...the 3rd period is now starting in Game 4 of my favorite hockey team..the New York Rangers...matchup in Round 2 with the Washington Capitals...who played an amazing 3 OT game on Wednesday night...won finally by the Rangers. We are tied here 2-2...and a win would put them in GREAT shape heading home up 3 games to 1. Hope you all enjoy the rest of your weekend!!!

MONKEY

"Wow! I'm a Daddy!!!"

2012-04-29T14:39:00.000-05:00

It was NOT intentional. Trust me. I last posted at 4am, on the morning that my daughter decided to show up and bless me and Squirrel with the greatest gift I've ever gotten in my life. I got a LOT of comments from you folks, some very, very nice sentiments, that truly touched me. And for those not on my Facebook, or Twitter, I guess I may have left you in the dark a little bit the past four days. For that, I apologize. I know some of you readers could probably care less about my private life, and that I'm having a baby. That's cool, I respect that. After all...my blog DOES appear on a poker website.

For those who come for the poker...fine. I have a tiny little bit. On Saturday I logged on and played in about 5 games on Lock Poker. I min cashed in one...and in the $10 Bounty tourney with 123 players...I won! That's two wins online in a week. Last week I won a $6.60 PLO tourney on there. Both wins were good for about $180. No big deal money-wise, but a win always feels good, no matter where it comes. Especially ONLINE...where I have always run pretty bad!

I will try not to get too much into the details...but when it was looking like we were going to get Carley late in the afternoon or maybe even in the evening...she suddenly decided she was ready to join us! First Cheryl's water broke. Then just a few hours later...on her 19th push (I was counting...I guess because I'm tremendously A.D.H.D. perhaps) Carley came flying out and into the Doctor's hand. WOW! I cut her cord...which we discovered was in a big knot! Not only that, it had wrapped itself around Carley's neck. Suffice to say...after discussing all this with our doctor, it was apparent that we had just received a bit of a miracle baby. So much could have gone wrong. And yet..it didn't. The look on Cheryl's face when she was handed Carley for the first time, is one I will never...as long as I live, forget.

Everyone said to prepare for the nasty, mean, evil things Squirrel would shout at me during delivery. Never happened. Everyone said I would get queasy watching the whole thing. Nope. Not even close. I stood (until my knees started to throb with pain...then I kneeled on my memory foam pillow) in amazement...watching the whole process with excitement. And did I cry when she was out and wrapped in her blanket? Not really. I think what made me tear up was watching Cheryl's face when Carley met her for the first time.

A steady stream of friends came to visit us in the hospital, mostly Cheryl's girlfriends. Okay...ALL Cheryl's girlfriends.

None of my 'boys' decided to come by. I guess that's okay, and pretty normal. We got lots of flowers...we had meals delivered to us from Claudia, and Brandy Conway...and if I forgot anyone, I'm sorry. And on Friday morning...we finally got to leave. We were getting real tired of the tiny, cramped room they had us shoved into. I drove so slow and cautious on the way home...I got passed on the highway TWICE by OMRG's! Both at least in their 70's! How embarrassing!

Is anyone curious to know who won the Carley Grace Baby Pool? Well...the way it went down was amazing. The guy who won my March Madness Pool...for around $4500...and who I met playing poker a few years ago...ended up buying a spot late in the action...for the time slot of 12pm-1pm on Wednesday the 25th...and with Carley coming at 11:54am...he became the winner! So what does he do? And I hope he isn't mad at me for telling you all this...he turned around and donated his winnings to us. We were both speechless. So nice. Tim Thompson is his name...and he will be playing some tourneys in New Orleans in May...so if you happen upon him, know that he is a great guy...and maybe give him a 'walk' in his BB if he's in need!!!

The winners of 2nd and 3rd was interesting too. Brian Delatte had purchased two time slots at the last minute...back to back...which made him the winner of 2nd and 3rd place, and totally cutting off Matt Bannantine...who would have won 1st were it not for the late entries...and certainly 2nd and/or 3rd at worst. But in a very classy move, Brian decided to split the $450 with Matt...then went ahead and donated his $225 to Squirrel...to pick something nice up for Carley. Once again, I was touched by the amazing kindness and generosity of people in our lives. I've been running sports pools now for about 15 years...and some of the greatest people I've met have come from those pools. I will never regret getting involved in the pools. Brian won my Master's Pool this year...and will also be playing the WSOP-C event in New Orleans. I look forward to seeing all of my poker/pool/Carley pals in NOLA next month!

So...what else? Carley shows up...and all my teams start winning! My Seattle Mariners...who had just been swept at home by the White Sox...including getting a perfect game thrown at them, suddenly got hot when she arrived, sweeping the Tigers in Detroit! And my NY Rangers...in a all-or-nothing Game 7 on Thursday night at home against Ottawa...beat he Senators, and advanced to Round 2 against Washington, who they beat in Game 1 yesterday! So we were undefeated..until yesterday...my Mariners finally lost to Toronto 7-0. Hey...I really didn't envision the Mariners winning out and finishing 152-10! But I do think she might be my lucky charm for the Rangers! I'm counting on Carley to deliver us a Stanley Cup in 2012!!!

Okay...well, I figured I owed you all a post today! I have lots to do around the house...and two dogs who are feeling a little bit ignored...since they haven't been allowed in the house since we got home. We are taking baby steps (no pun intended) with how we introduce the dogs to Carley. We did let them see her for a minute or so. I did something that I think proved to be a good idea. I took the towel Carley was wiped off with, and the blanket she was first wrapped in...and brought them home on Thursday afternoon, left them in their sleeping area...and to get the scent in their nose. As soon as they saw her....they both started sniffing like crazy, and I'm positive they knew what the deal was.

Mollie is not used to not being able to sleep in our bed every night...and she is NOT happy with being outside every night. But I think she will be okay.

One of things I'm going to have to spend more time doing now is spending time with the dogs away from the baby. They love going to the beach...and we have been down there the last two Sundays. It's really hot today...and maybe after the temperature goes down a bit...I will take them down today and let them have some 'quality time' with me. Cheryl has taken to providing a special shirt...that before I go outside to pet them, throw them the ball or do anything else...I have to change into. Then I have to wash my face and hands (and change back into my 'normal' shirt) once I come back inside. Yeah...Squirrel is a wee bit paranoid. But I guess you can't blame her a bit. We went through a LOT to have this special package delivered...no sense in doing something stupid and screwing it up!!!

Okay...hope you all have a great Sunday!!!

Monk-Daddy!

'Twas the Night Before Fatherhood....

2012-04-25T03:50:00.001-05:00

Yep. The day has finally arrived. It's time for Squirrel and I to see just what we created after I got home from a disappointing WSOP last July. When I made that long drive home...I did a lot of soul searching.


I might be biased...but I can't imagine a woman who is 9 1/2 months pregnant being any more beautiful than this. She has done a fantastic job with our daughter...way to go Squirrel! I love you!

As you all know by now, I have a tendency to open up to a lot of people on this blog. And by a lot...I don't know the exact number. I don't know how many 'super repeat' clickers I have...but when I see an average of 5500-6000 hits a month...I know that when I write personal stuff...that it might sometimes be getting viewed by those who (were I to know) I might not like thinking about having them in my personal business; or it being such a great thing. I keep re-reading that last sentence, and I think it sounds all screwy, but I can't think of a better way to re-write it...and I have a feeling you all (or most of you anyway) have a pretty good idea what I'm talking about. Ugh...moving on.

I can either be The Poker Monkey..and just talk about stuff that has to do with poker, or I can be the guy who really just likes writing in this blog because it allows me a place to express myself, to unload some pent up feelings. And occasionally I will have interactions with some of you will tell me stuff like "your blog really makes me feel not so screwed up" or "you know, I was about to kill myself, then I read your blog and thought 'wow, I really don't have it as bad as I thought I did." And ya know...if I can save just one person with my blog? Then hell...I guess it's worth it, huh?

Well, it is for reasons like those that I don't mind sitting down in this really uncomfortable chair/bed thing they think the husband is actually going to sleep on while laying here listening to my baby's heartbeat on this machine...and put what I'm feeling down on my blog/diary. I don't know how many haters I still have out there. I suspect the number has gone down somewhat as I've continued to mellow with age...kind of like a good bottle of wine, or fine aged cognac, or even a piece of petrified wood. I kind of think I have taken myself out of the 'firing line' the past couple years. But oh...I'm sure there are still some of you out there who wish I would spontaneously combust...and I guess that's okay. Pretty sure it's impossible to get EVERYONE to like you...well, unless of course you are my wife.

I feel myself getting sidetracked a lot. It happens. I think my mind has been racing 347 miles an hour for the last two days. I can't believe what is about to go down. Me...Will Souther...single til I was 42...without child for 45 years...a dog the one thing I've been responsible for all those years...am about to be a ...yikes...FATHER. Of what I can only HOPE TO GOD will be a gorgeous little girl with all her fingers and toes, arms and legs...two eyes and ears...and everything as normal as possible. I've read and listened to all the cliches the past nine months...about how much my life is going to change, about how she will be wrapped around my finger (or am I the one who will be wrapped around HER finger? That one confuses me) about how I have never really known love until I see my child for the first time...heard about how much I will cry in that first hour. Yep...I've heard it all. And for the past 24 hours...everyone keeps asking me "How do you feel? Are you scared? Nervous? Excited?

You know what I am? And it took me most of the day today to figure it out? I mean...I woke up today and all I wanted to do was errands...and fix stuff around the house. Cheryl was cleaning like a banshee...which she has been doing almost everyday now for a week. They say its the Mother going into her 'nesting phase.' Yeah...I'll say!!! Well...sometime around 5pm on Tuesday...it hit me. It's like that feeling you get right before you are about to step on the airplane and go skydiving for the first time. You are anxious. But a little scared. You are excited, but also a tad nervous. You know its something you can't wait to do. But at the same time you are doubting why you decided to do it. Right? You feel me?

But right now...as I lay here looking over there at Squirrel...deep asleep with the aid of the nurse's administered Ambien (hey! Where's mine!!!???)...and the gentle beating of Carley's heart beat in the background...all I can think about is what its going to feel like walking out of this hospital with this little girl in our arms. I will have created life! With the woman I have spent the last ten years with...who I met on that December day at the Beau Rivage...while playing blackjack..with my good buddy Jeff Giraldi from Atlanta. When those brown eyes looked at me, and that Southern accent asked me if I'd like anything to drink....wow! And now look at us. We are hours away from bringing a life into this world. It's amazing. And maybe its just NOW starting to really hit me.

Driving home from Vegas last summer...with my friends Kai Landry, Allie Prescott, and Kyle Bowker...we made a lot of stops. It was good for me to travel in a group because I got to take my mind off how things ended up out there. But when I got home...it hit me. I knew I was depressed. I knew I was more or less sick of poker. And there are those times...and I have talked about it with other poker players...damn successful ones...where no amount of 'winning' every really changes your life. We tend to dwell on the losses...hard. I know I do. And when we do manage a win...it seems like we never get to fully enjoy it. Unless of course...its something over half a million. I think we can all find a way to enjoy a score like that!

I think the key to enjoying anything is taking the time to actually enjoy it. When Kai, myself and Mark Rose chopped the Main Event at the Beau a few years ago...our family already had a week vacation planned that started right after that event. So that was literally the ONLY time I think I ever really, fully, enjoyed a win. Well...that and maybe the one on Halloween a few years ago at the IP because it marked the first time I ever flat out WON a tourney...a decent sized tourney...after a TON of 2nd place finishes. Yeah...that day felt good.

Anyway...not to once again get sidetracked...but this is actually going somewhere. So I get home...the depression really hit hard. That feeling of worthlessness set in. What am I? Who am I? What the hell contribution am I making to society? Some of you remember my little pilgrimages to North Mississippi and later to Tuscaloosa to help with the floods and the tornadoes. That was less about anything I could give to them...and more about what doing for them made me feel about myself. It's like...I needed that to make myself feel better about myself. And it worked. I know this might sound like bullshit...but believe me when I tell you this...were I ever to fall into more money than I knew what to do with? I would get the most amount of joy spending my last days on Earth looking...literally seeking out ways to bring joy and happiness to people who are suffering. I just don't really have that much use for large abundances of personal wealth. I don't.

What would be nice? Would be just enough to assure yourself of never having to struggle. To never have to experience marital strife due to financial concerns. I mean...once you get a certain amount...what's the point? Now you're just keeping score with the others. Which is why the ultra rich make me sick. With the things they buy, how they choose to spend their money. It's offensive at times. There are a lot of rich people who I truly respect, who give lots of money to schools, and museums, to research facilities...those people are really my heroes. And I wish...I aspire...to be one of those people. It is literally my primary reason for living. To do something that after I die...people will be able to look at me and say "you know what? That guy right there....he really had a great life! He really did amazing things. The world is going to miss him. But at least he accomplished something while he was here." Ask yourself: How many people can say that?

So yeah, I've once again gotten side tracked...and here we go...it's becoming another marathon blog...but you know what? This is my last night of being a 'kid.' Seriously. I've never 'felt' my age. When I was in my 20's I still felt like I did in High School. When I was in my 30's? Pfft...still felt 18! When I was 40? Hell, all my buddies were in their 20's...I sure didn't feel like the people my own age. But after tomorrow? Will a switch go off? Monkey! You are NOW a father! Grow up! Will I grow up? Do I really have to grow up? I mean...that much?

Let's get it back on course. So...yeah...last July, I was glum. Very, very glum. I didn't know what it was going to take to get me back to a place where I enjoyed waking up every morning. I mean...when your beautiful wife and your two dogs are the only thing bringing you ANY happiness whatsoever? You have got a problem. And I had a problem.

I used to coach little league for many years. And I was damn good at it. I have a weird ability to connect with kids. And that is so important when you are trying to coach them. I loved those times I had with those kids. And even now...no matter where I go...if I run into a kid under 12...its like they just gravitate to me like a magnet. We went to the beach on Sunday...and out of nowhere comes this little kid...named Julian, along with his adorable little friend Kaylen. They were both there with their moms...who were about 50 yards away. Well, they wanted me to play with them. So I did...and after missing every pitch I threw to him...I made a few adjustments to his stance and swing...and before I knew it, he was hitting bombs!

It was awesome! His Mom finally came over and pried him away from us...insisting that he was 'bothering' us. Then she saw that Squirrel was pregnant, and they talked about that of course. It was a nice moment, and one that reminded me how much I love coaching, and just spending time with kids. They are so innocent, you know? So unadulterated. Bottom line? They are cool. Society hasn't had a chance yet to completely fuck them up. No...that comes later on. And its really sad.

So...back to July (again!). Yeah. What can I do to get out of this funk? I love my wife. I love kids. I'm 45. (44 then) What am I going to leave behind? What if I never win a big tourney? Am I just going to grind enough to keep playing for year after year after miserable year? How long before my wife leaves me and that terrible, frustrating life behind? And it hit me. I need a reason to live. I need a reason to wake up every day. I need something to drive me, to motivate and inspire me. And what could that possibly be?

A child. I wanted a child. I wanted something that would take the place of anything and everything that is considered 'important' in my boring, mundane life. And I knew it was time. Cheryl was almost 40. I couldn't possibly keep firing magic bullets forever, could I? Three years ago...we made the decision to try and start a family. I have literally TRIED only twice to get Cheryl pregnant in ten years. Both times...Yahtzee! Well, three years ago...we succeeded, and were both SO excited, before tragedy took away our child on the day before the Super Bowl. That's one Super Bowl I will always remember in the worst way....Pittsburgh vs. Arizona. It took a lot of time to recover from that. Thirteen weeks of excitement, and well wishes...and just...well, you know the rest of that song and dance. And then it was just....gone. There was a big void in our life for a long time.

Then...I had a couple of really good years in poker. I wanted to buy us a house. And then try again to have a baby. So what happens? We get robbed. Yeah...all the money I had saved up, I had sitting in our house in a safe. Brilliant. And more or less, we got set up. And there went all of our plans...right down the tubes...all the way back to square one. Incidentally, I got a call from the new Assistant DA's office last Friday...at first I was nervous. You're always nervous when someone calls you from a courthouse. Huh? OMG OMG...what did I do? Well, after 2 years and 4 months...they are finally bringing the two culprits to trial in Gulfport, in May. They wanted to know if my information was still the same...for the possible restitution hearing. Well, its nice that those scumbags are finally getting their day in court...but I know that any chance I have of getting any of that money back is slim to none. It really just kind of served as a reminder of how much they took away from us. But I guess we aren't supposed to dwell on that kind of shit, right?

So back in July, I decided it was time to 'drop the hammer' on Squirrel. I was never going to get her to agree to it. She is just too rational, and will always find a reason NOT to do something if the timing isn't right. Well...take a trip to Wal-Mart...then tell me the timing isn't right for having a child. Really? I'm sorry...but there is no such thing as bad timing to have a kid, as far as I'm concerned. So it was on. And a month or two later...she came into the kitchen holding one of those pregnancy sticks in her hand...and a caustic look on her face. It quickly turned to smiles, and tears...when she saw how genuinely elated I was. And the rest...as they say...is history! Well, I guess we are still in the process of making that history...but its been a whirlwind the last 8 months!

The amazing love and support we have gotten from our families, our friends, our co-workers and so many of you poker players out there...it just, I don't know...its just really shifted my whole way of looking at life the past three months. Yeah, I want to be successful in poker, sure. But its hit me just how truly unimportant poker is, and all the BS that goes on in and around poker. Hey...now? It's just a way for me to try to get in, get out...and make a fast buck. (or a million if things go right!) I try not to dwell so much over the bad beats and the long periods of 'run bad.' Why bother? It doesn't change anything. Oh sure, its fun to sit and rag on the donkeys and bemoan the amazing luck of the OMRG's at the table...take the occasional picture of someone for the pure entertainment value of it. Hell, I'm not COMPLETELY dead inside! I'm just saying that there are things way more important to me now than poker...and I would like to thank Squirrel and soon to be...Miss Carley Grace for opening my eyes to those things.

I think that is about all I have...if you made it this far...you are a real trooper! I appreciate all of you. I really do. Even you haters. Cuz if you care enough about me to read my blog...well, you might hate me, but at least you 'care' about me a little, don't you!?? When I write to you all again....knock on wood...I will write as a father. Wow...that sounds pretty cool.

Monkey

Saturday. Some Poker. No Baby.

2012-04-21T18:29:00.003-05:00

Okay..first off, to those who continue to ask me what OMRG...or for that matter, OLRG, means, I think that this phrase is becoming the new OMG or LOL. That to NOT know what it means, makes you either 'kind of cool' or 'living under a rock.'

I had this experience in a different realm at Wal-Mart the other day with Squirrel...who as the title up there reveals, has STILL not released Carley Grace from her womb of captivity. Squirrel keeps getting bigger and bigger...her whining louder and louder (not that bad actually, I'm mostly kidding) and the due date getting closer and closer. Despite getting 55 entries in our baby pool, only five people chose dates between April 25th and 27th. (Due date is the 26th)

So Squirrel decides to make spaghetti for dinner that night. She likes to put hamburger in her spaghetti sauce. Its yummy. So while browsing the hamburger section, I jokingly (joking because I know that 95% of the stores in the US have removed the shit) tell her to make sure she gets the hamburger WITH the 'pink slime!'

"The what!?? Did you say pink slime? What the hell is that?" She was dead serious...I just stood there looking at her in astonishment. Holy crap. How did THAT ONE get by her?

If you are like her...I'm sorry you don't ever read the news, or watch it for that matter. I am not about to tell you what pink slime is here. You will just have to Google this one.

So what is an OMRG, some of you still ask? Sigh...okay. Here we go.

See this random stranger? What do you notice about him? Anything outside of the norm? Hint: He isn't young. Or spry. Or sneaky. But he does one thing...and does it well. Gets it in behind. Gets it in bad. And always seems to 'get there.' Some call this running good. Add those four things up...and what do you get? You get an OMRG.

O= Old M= Man R= Run G=Good. Figured out OLRG yet?

You guessed it...and there is a whole collection of them...all at the same table. You've got two OLRG's...and one 'full on' OMRG and another OMRG-in-training. There are a couple of things about OLRG's that you can always count on. Aside from playing pretty similar to an OMRG...they have very distinctive qualities in the outfits they sport.

One...long, irritating day of getting OMRG'd and OLRG'd on my most recent trip out west, we stopped into a store for some 'items' for the room...and I decided to model a few of the OLRG 'looks' that we encounter on a regular basis. Silly hats seem to be a favorite of most OLRG's. You regulars know exactly what I'm talking about if you have played long enough. (Susie Isaacs)

Know what this is? Of course you do. It's a dog, and that dog is humping someone's leg. Well...I think most of us have experienced this annoying, and sometimes embarrassing indignity. Don't think we don't get shamed like this at the poker table as well. Because we do. As an example, I give you... THIS GUY...never figured out yet why they don't have a DOWN arrow on the keyboard.

A couple years ago, my buddy and travel companion Kai Landry coined the phrase 'leg-humper.' It took on other strains...like 'Mr. Humpty Hump,' and 'Old Man Hump Hump,' and 'Hump-Zilla.' What is a Leg Humper in Poker? Well, I will narrow it down for you and tell you it tends to be that player over the age of 60 about 94% of the time. He limps...you raise...he calls. He raises...you re-raise, he calls. You flop top pair..and bet out, he calls. He bets the flop, you raise him...he calls. You notice something missing here? Him three-betting? Him moving in? Him, god forbid, folding! Nope. None of those things happen. Oh every once in awhile, the leg humping call station WILL pull the 'ol all in move on the river...after smooth calling every bet you make leading up to the river. And then...BOOM...all in, and usually it makes no sense to a rational thinking poker player. You bet your top two pair...or your set...thinking its a value bet...and then he just crawls out of his 87 year old skin, and with the exuberance of a 22 year old, leaps up out of his seat and for the first time all day, says something the whole table can hear.

I'm ALL IN!!!!!!!

And your reaction is always the same. Even for those of you who DON'T curse.

What.....The.....Fuck!???

This is Kai. He is sitting next to a leg-humping OMRG up in Iowa. Here is another thing OMRG's seem to be fond of; stacking their chips in very annoying fashion. Now the way this dingle-berry has his chips laid out would lead you to think there is a chance that this guy is a limit player. Not sure why...but limit players always self-identify themselves by stacking there chips in as many spread-out stacks as is humanly possible. I used to think maybe they were raised in Southern California...where earthquakes happen all the time, and building things low to the ground seem to be the norm. There is certainly some kind of experiment on the brain that could produce a more conclusive reason for this, I'm sure.

All I know...is that it drives me fucking nuts. Especially when you have been forced to play at a shorter table, and even more so when you have a tourney director who is a douchebag and is trying to save money on dealer downs, and forcing all the players to play 10-handed at their table. (the exception being at a tourney where they get such a huge turnout that they have no choice but to seat you 10-handed, a rare occurrence) I will sit there staring at the guy's ridiculously spread out stack until finally it dawns on him that I would like him to remove his kids from my yard. Either that or I will 'accidentally' knock over his outer stacks with my elbow while making a motion to look at my cards. Two or three of those usually get the point across. Okay...next.

Totally unrelated item here. Watching a basketball game. Guy misses the easiest shot in basketball, the uncontested free throw. But wait...no big deal, don't feel bad about it...your whole team...all four of them...are there to encouragingly give you a hand slap. Why? That NEVER happened when I played as a kid, or when I watched pros and college players. Until about...I don't know...maybe ten years ago? I think this is a really good reason for why there are so many shitty FT shooters. There are no repercussions for missing. I think maybe if they would start punching the guy in the face...or kicking him in the balls...maybe even hitting him with a taser...after missing a free throw, you might see the percentages pick up a little bit.

Today is my Mother's birthday....and she has reached retirement age! Congratulations Mom! And thanks for being such a great mother...and for all you have done for me and Squirrel...and Carley (already!)

Yesterday was April 20th...or 420...National Potsmoker's Day. Hope those of you who make marijuana an integral part of your life had a wonderful day celebrating your center of the universe...though I doubt most of you will remember it, right?

So...I finally got totally fed up with Cable One. With their internet always getting turned WAY down after midnight, or going out all together. With the movie we are watching always suddenly cutting over to the weather channel for no explainable reason. Tired of them not having E! Tired of them not being able to work with cool Aps on my iPad like HBO-Go, like Showtime Anytime, like TBS and TNT on Demand...all things you can use on your iPad if you have either Direct TV or AT&T U-Verse. So...I did some research...and on Wednesday, literally ONE day after I ordered the service...we were in the presence of an installer.

The set up is pretty awesome. One DVR receiver. The other two are simply receivers. But whatever you record on that ONE...can be viewed on all the others. It all works on wireless receivers as well. So not one INCH of coaxial cable lives in my house now. The internet and the cable operate on different signals...so no mutual interruption of service. The picture is better...way better. And the internet is so much faster its not even funny. The only drawback I've seen so far...is that the TV keeps getting frozen while watching programing. And I don't know what the solution is. I hope its not a regular thing. I think that the way around it is to completely turn off the TV Receiver...then turn it back on. Whatever...so far it has improved my quality of life.

See this...uh...art? Every day as Kai and I drove from the awesome Day's Inn in Council Bluffs, we would get off at the exit that featured this business. What is it? No one really seems to know. But if you are a fan of 'Transformers' you probably think it bears a resemblance to something from those films. Guess that is as close as we got to 'Midwest Culture.'

This is a pretty typical sight in the Midwest. A car with a really horrendous paint job. I'm not positive, but I think from my time living in Montana that this is due in large part to the harsh winters. Salt on the roads is a big culprit. I guess in the movie 'Fargo' when dude kept trying to scam everyone into buying the seemingly unnecessary 'under-coating' that it may not have been such a bad idea, after all.

See this chick? I found this to be one of the most perplexing characters in all of Council Bluffs. I never saw her play a tournament...but saw her nearly every day in the cash room. She is a woman. For the first couple days, I was questioning it. Because she had almost ZERO female qualities. Her facial expressions were all dude-like. Her body language, same deal. The way she walked. She is already tall..but then she would make it just bizarre by always wearing these 6-10 inch heels every day. She looked like a giraffe. And then there was her voice...which was very low and guttural. Yeah...very sexy. (not!) She was also a lousy poker player. But one who thought she was awesome...which is just always annoying as hell. In this picture, she looks about as ridiculous as it gets. Gotta make sure you have those shades for that intense 1/2 game. Make sure you strap that 'old school' MP3 player to your arm! Like she is jogging or at the gym working out. Yeah...she was one of, if not my MOST....unfavorite cartoon character of Council Bluffs.

This is a picture of a Royal Flush. It happened in a tourney. What is astonishing is that both players were holding El Diablo...but one of them was suited with the Ultimate Nuts. The other wasn't, and despite no more spades coming out...he lost about as little as you could ever imagine on the hand. To his credit, he was a really good player. Otherwise, I think that the guy who flopped the Royal would have stacked the guy.

See this menu? Take a really close look. It's from our favorite truck stop/restaurant in Council Bluffs...Sapp Brothers. Kai and I both love liver and onions like you wouldn't believe. While driving to Vegas...we went 40 miles out of the way to hit a place 'famous' for liver and onions. It was worth it. Well, this place featured different items on every day of the week...and liver and onions day was Tuesday. You couldn't get it any other day. So when we left Iowa last Tuesday...we made that our last stop...or first I guess. And though the liver was over-cooked and the onions under-cooked...it was still pretty good, and worth the wait. So...check out the description of the Salmon. Did you catch it? If you guessed Fillet...when it should be filet...then you were correct. And I'm not exactly sure when 'medium doneness' (which last time I checked isn't an actual word) became a good way to adequately describe a menu item.

Played a couple of cash sessions at IP this week. Nothing real positive to report. Even started documenting one of the sessions on my iPad, then just became so irritated, I decided to take an Attivan, close my iPad and pretend like nothing bad was happening. Why is it when you flop something like 4s-5s-6s holding Ad7s...that there is always two guys holding made hands (2-3off and 7-8 off) and after getting your whole stack in there...always brick out? Or is it just me?

Then the other night, Thursday, I decide to show up for their new tourney...a $130 bounty tourney ($30 bounties) at 7pm. I arrived at 7:15pm. They had one table, with 11 players. I was the 2nd alternate. Jeezuz. I finally convinced him to make it two tables...7 and 6. OMRG was driving me fucking bananas. I would raise (from 100/200) to 600 with AK suited. He would re-raise it to 1600. Sigh. Call. Miss. This was one of those guys...I just knew he was bluffing every time he bet. And he always bet way too much. Two people would limp...for 200...he'd make it 1200. Ugh. So finally...after we combined to one table...I pick up KK utg...nice...and he was in the big blind. At 200/400 I make it 1100 to go. Folds around to him...he makes it 4000. Whatever. I was all in for 5500. He has AK off. Mmm hmmm. But would I fade the three-outer? Are you kidding? Please. Ace on the turn. Ball game.

Moved over to cash game. That didn't go swell. I either couldn't hit a draw...over and over...or I kept getting sucked out on. Then...a huge hand occurred...and for about the third time in three days I found myself wanting to smack Jim...a.k.a. 'Smoky' in the face. Earlier...I had flopped middle pair with an ace. He had 9-8. The original raiser...a total c-betting clown...led out again. I just flatted, as did 'Smokey.' The turn was an 8. Nice. He bet again. 20 I think. I went ahead and raised to 60...not sure where Jim was...but suspecting a flush draw. So what does he do? He shoves all in for about 420. What? The first guy folds. I'm not folding. I call. A nine hits the river...the guy next to me is saying 'He has 5's full' and I'm thinking maybe he saw his hand. Nope...much grosser. He turns over 8-9. Offsuit. Oh my god. Full house on the river with the 9. I wanted to puke. Rebuy.

Well...then this hand sent me on a voyage out of the poker room...doing laps in the casino...cursing Jim. Every so often they do this thing where one table gets $100 for the player that wins the hand. So our table was picked. And I knew with the current cast of characters at our table...which was 1/2 but playing more like a 2/5, even a 5/10 game most of the time...that this hand would get crazy. So when I got pocket nines under the gun...I just limped, knowing someone would raise.

True story. The guy right behind me goes all in for 71. He gets one call...from a guy I could tell didn't really want to call...so I felt confident I could make him fold...then it came to Smokey...and he starts counting the pot...and hemming and hawing....okay, definitely have HIM beat too....he calls. Then another aggressive clown, the guy who was constantly over-c-betting calls...making the pot now around $300. Well it finally got to me...and I made it (what I thought was a great bet) $225 to go. Now I could have gone all in for $410...but I thought $225 just really looked strong...all in might look like a steal, just a stone cold steal. And honestly...I kind of wanted ONE caller...since if I lost to the guy all in for $71 there wouldn't be any kind of side pot.

The first guy folds...as I thought he might. Well, Smokey...for some reason, thought Q9h was a good hand to call with there. Why? I have no fucking clue. The other guy folds...and then this lady...who only had $30 behind her call of $71...and who played about as bad as you can play in about 3 or 4 hands...called, obviously. The flop came Jack high...with two hearts...and I was obviously not folding to any flop...not with over 900 in the pot and only $125 left in my stack. Jim snap calls...I cringe...then when the next card was a heart he turns over a flush. Jeezuz effing christ. I snapped...but not at the table. I just got up, and bolted out of the poker room. I came back 15 minutes later. I dug out $1000 from my pocket, got two racks of red and declared war on the table.

It worked pretty well...because on two hands where I knew they were drawing I just shipped all in for over a dime...with between $100-$150 in the pot. I got it up to $1400 and was just trying to get even on the night then getting the hell out of there. But I floundered around $1200-$1300 for about three hours...god that is irritating.

On my right was this guy who lost a few hands and started tilting his face off. So when Mr. Aggressive made his standard raise of $12...and I was going to call, once with 4d5d and the other time with As5s...I ended up folding to tilt boy on my right...who kept shoving his whole stack...shoves I couldn't possibly call, but had he NOT pulled that move, I would have flopped trip 5's on the one...only to river a boat, and then flop middle pair with the nut flush (which got there on the turn) which I would have never folded after the flop. I would have won about $1000 on those two hands...if it just hadn't been for fucktard shoveface beside me. All told, it was just one of those nights when nothing was breaking my way. I could have easily left that table with about a $2500 profit. Instead I lost $350. Which gave me two consecutive losing sessions of around $350.

I now (finally) have food in my house again. Squirrel and I took a power shopping trip to Wal-Mart the other night. The other good thing about that trip? It always makes me feel better about myself, my life...and my looks. That place is like a carnival.

Okay...that's enough for one day. Plus I've just developed a monster headache. Congrats to Chip Ervin for his second place finish up in St. Louis. I know I'm forgetting about someone else who fared well up there too. I've noticed a LOT of people I know doing great in poker over the past year. Is it just that I've made so many acquaintances in poker that whenever someone wins now, I just happen to know them pretty well? That might be the case. I am getting 'winner's circle envy' really bad....and am really hungry to taste victory again. Its getting pretty close to New Orleans...I really need the poker gods to smile on me at that event.

Monkey

Follow up to GCP Front Page News

2012-04-14T20:15:00.001-05:00

Okay, as promised...and this is being done on Blogger's new interface...which so far is freaking me out. I am that one person who has resisted to 'switch over' to Facebook's new 'Timeline' format. Because if I hate it on everyone else's page...why would I like it on mine? They even try to trick you into getting it...which is what happened to Squirrel...and it won't let you go back. Sucks. But they won't get me! At least on this new Blogger interface, I have the option of switching back.

Okay, so I must first say thanks to Wild Bill and GeneD for giving me the front page! Yay! Always a nice gesture by them...especially when there were several guys way more deserving of that honor!

A couple of guys, who I spent a good amount of time hanging out with while in Iowa...had the opportunity of a lifetime, only to let it go slip sliding away. Yes, I am speaking of Tim Burt and David 'Lurky' Nicholson. And if you don't know about the nickname...well, sorry. You will have to earn that one! :)

As the front page mentions, they got into a 3-way battle with Brent Carter...whom they managed to accurately label 'The Grumpy Neighbor.' Matter of fact...when it comes to whiners, bitchers and moaners...Brent 'Members Only' Carter is the King of the Court. Brent is who Allen Kessler looks to for mentoring. The owner of the last Member's Only (burgundy in case you wondering) jacket still in existence, Brent is the guy who is always there to let you know what the rules are. Why? Because he wrote them...he'll have you know.

To his credit, Brent is a very good poker player. And he had definitely put in the work and paid his dues throughout the years. And in fairness, where we once did nothing but butt heads, we both kind of have a mutual fondness for one another these days. I kind of understand him a little more than I ever used to...and he seems to confide in me (as a fellow 'hate people with no common sense' guy) whenever something ridiculous has taken place at the table. But to the outside observer not privvy to what goes on in the 'inside circle' of the poker world, Brent would come off as nothing but a grumpy old asshole. So, they boys at GCP more or less got it right...and of course, we all would HAVE to be rooting for our boys from Biloxi to take that rebuy PLO down for obvious reasons. But it didn't happen. And yeah...I was one of the first to give them both hell over it. But not reported was that they did some kind of a money deal, and I'm pretty sure Tim ended up with that damn ring...which Kai and I both have taken to calling 'The Illegitimate Child' of WSOP circuit rings. We shall call it...Ring #3.5 for future reference.

Also...on the front page was a shout out...well...a whisper out...to a couple of people a lot of us know quite well. Kenny Milam and Jena Delk. Jena and I shared a house in Vegas in the Summer of 2008, when I first started writing on this site. The summer our house out there was either robbed, or an intricate inside job was staged by one of the home's dwellars. It's still kind of shrouded in mystery. Fortunately, I didn't lose anything in that robbery...so I wasn't a victim. No, that happened a few weeks before, when 3k in lammers went missing from my bag while I slept one night. Grrr....whatever.

Well, I got to know Jena pretty well that summer. She had just won the Ladies Event in New Orleans...when I was busy finishing 2nd to Tyler in the $1k. In fact, it was on the same day. She then went on to cash (I want to say 13th?) in the Ladies event at WSOP Vegas...which was a nice score. Her husband came out for a couple weeks too, and final tabled a couple events at the Venetian. Well, Jena has just revealed on Facebook, that she is battling breast cancer. As a lot of you know, I have donated a lot of time and a fair amount of money to that cause...and having had a handful of friends fight that battle...its always sobering news to hear that someone else has been ravaged by this awful disease.

Last year about this time...I was getting news that my good friend Chad Brown had been diagnosed with cancer...having had a gigantic tumor removed from his stomach. I have watched Chad fight all year...and in his 'never-let-them-see-you-down' style, done it with the positive approach he seems to handle everything since I've known him. Chad also saw his marriage with Vanessa Rousso come to an end this year...which I hated to see. But like everything, he handled that with an equal amount of grace. The guy is a rock.

So...knowing what I know about Jena...I can see her handling this 'cancer thing' the same way. She is the type who seems motivated by a challenge...who doesn't let the 'small stuff' get her down. I'm pretty sure Jena was already dealing with some kind of a condition prior to that...forgot the details, but I know it never got her down. So I will hope and pray that she tackles this new battle with the same energy she fought with before...and that God deals her top set with cancer drawing dead to the turn and the river.

As for Kenny...I am not positive what the situation there is...other than its not with him...but his wife. He was unable to play the Main Event in Iowa because his wife was scheduled for some kind of surgery on Monday (I believe) and since they had kind of screwy schedule up there for that Main Event...he wasn't able to play it. It's nice to see that he has his priorities in the right place at least. And I hope that everything turned out okay for one of the 'good guys' in poker. Not sure I've ever met one single player who has ever had a bad thing to say about Kenny. Well, maybe your occasional "Can you believe it? Freaking Kenny Milam called me down with _____and sucked out on me!!!!" Yeah....we ALL know that Kenny WILL put a bad beat on you if you aren't careful!!!!

Okay this entry just followed my previous entry...and I will get those funny pictures to you soon...promise.

Monkey

My Big Iowa Wrap-up

2012-04-14T19:37:00.000-05:00

Yeah yeah, I know...I've done it again. Left you in the lurch. Well, those of you who have me on Facebook and Twitter know the deal, as far as what became of me in the second running of the Main Event. To those who don't, and didn't....once again, I apologize.

I've noticed a very interesting trend going on over here>>>>> yeah that poll, the one I always try to pose to you folks that centers on some kind of current happenings. Last month it was 'who do you think will win the March Madness' and Kentucky was an overwhelming choice. They won. In fact...they coasted. And now people can stop calling John Calipari a coach who can't win the big one. He did it. Find your next victim. So this month's poll centers on who you would most like to punch in the face. And sure...Nancy Grace is ALWAYS going to be at or near the top of any poll where this is the question. And she took an early lead in this one. But in the past 7 days...she has been caught, and passed, by the two-headed monster that is Al Sharpton/Jesse Jackson. And I suppose this has a lot to do with the race war....errrrr...Trayvon Martin case they are spearheading right now down in Florida.

Fancy outfits...complete with yellow badges to wear around the neck...which allow them, uh...um...help? Access to stuff?

Well, now that George Zimmerman-Lopez-Waxstein-Jones has been charged with 2nd degree murder, and is sitting behind bars...my question is: Will the 'New' Black Panthers crawl back into their sheath of anonymity, waiting for the next race-baiting episode to occur? Or will they awkwardly continue to march around looking like ignorant assholes? My vote is for Option #2.

One thing I noticed while Kai and I were in Iowa: Civil unrest was non-existent. If anything...the divides up there in corn country were more between the young and the old...and the skinny and the obese. There didn't seem to be a 'middle class' in either category. It was bizarre.

I've been living in the South now since 1993...and in those almost 20 years I have seen things that are just alarming. And a lot of what takes place now seems to be fueled by a media that is thirsting for conflict between the races. Why? Because it attracts viewers? I'm not going to delve too deep into this topic, but frankly, I really think our country is a total mess right now, in almost every form of the word. And I hate to say it...but I don't think that either Obama or Romney have the answers.

So...poker. Yeah. I returned for Day 2, with 20 big blinds in my stack. On the third hand I raise all in over a notoriously aggressive asian kid raising behind me...with AK in my hand. Took it down. Then a couple hands later...Charles 'Woody' Moore's wife (he knocked me out the night before with A7 if you recall, nice call sir...and would eventually finish 2nd in this event) Becky limped UTG for 1000. I wake up with AA on the button. Ha! Revenge!??? I make it 2500. It folds back to her. She mumbles something about giving me a break and folding...so I show her the two aces. She had an ace. Shit. Whatever. Knowing how those two run...she would have probably flopped trips.

Our table then broke....only half a level into the day. It's been a week now, almost...so details have kind of left me. It was a pretty decent table. Kevin Saul came to our table with a shit ton of chips...and kind of exacted control over the table. About half way through the day...after doing a lot of folding all day, I decided to test my 'super nit' tight image...shoving all in behind another one of Saul's early position raises...which collected two callers. Seemed like a good time to try and take down a 12k pot...as I was now just sitting on 38k. Whoops. Bad timing. Kevin had AA. Me, I had attempted to squeeze shove with A8s. No problem...I flopped an 8 and two spades. Not even I could miss that one. Flush on the turn. Double up, plus some.

Then after taking out another player...I hit my high-water mark of 107k when the average was 75k. (at some point Poker News erroneously reported me as having 140k) I was now starting to dream about cashing. About the time I started dreaming, Kai was getting busted at the table behind me. So now any plans I had of leaching off of Kai and the 20% save deal we had between us if I should happen to go down in flames, had also just sank to the bottom of the Missouri River. It was I who had now become the leachee.

Blinds started going up. Stack started going down. Every time I was about to shove on another one of Kevin's raises...once with AJ, the other with 77...the guy in the 9-seat ( I was in the 1-seat) kept re-raising. Shit! And come to find out...I had a much better hand than the guy I had slapped with the nickname of 'Willie Nelson' and who I now had the entire table calling 'Willie.' Pretty sure Poker News had taken to calling him that as well. No...it was NOT Willie Nelson. I only know this because at some point...oh yeah, after doubling up through Kevin...he assumed the chiplead, and his name was up there for all to see (James Devaney, 10th place).

Oh, Kevin was doing a pretty magnificent job of doubling people up. This was my first experience (at least to my knowledge) with playing with Kevin. Some onliners know him by the name of BelowAbove. Think thats the proper spelling of his online moniker..if I'm wrong I'm certain one of you will correct me. Well, I can see where his style is going to win a lot, or at the very least, get deep a lot. He plays that Tyler Smith style of poker. Which I have gone into quite a lot of detail about in the past few years. You can throw Michael Hallen into that lot. And so...when in the throes of being card dead, I was having to observe Mike and Chad 'Lil Holdem' Bautista admonishing me for folding AK on a hand...where Doug 'Rico' Carli had shoved all in UTG+2 for 22 big blinds...and had been snap shove/all-in'd by the guy two spots over...for about 20 big blinds.

Now this may open up a lot of debate among you poker junkies. There are those of you who simply refuse to fold AK. That no matter what...if you have the person shoving covered, you HAVE TO call there. Well, in my case...I had just experienced a glorious AK moment only two hands prior...where a guy had raised (a guy who was raising a LOT) into my BB with me holding AKh. I shoved all in on the guy...who snap called with 99. I flopped an ace and went runner runner ace, king for the boat. Which put him on life tilt. Had things been a bit different on this hand...that same guy (with the 99) found 88 in the big blind. Had neither one of those two behind me woke up with a hand (which turned out to be QQ and 77) I would have raised on the button with AK...and had tilt-boy shove on me...to which I would NOT have probably ever folded, given the circumstances, and position, etc...and would have completely whiffed on the AK.

Well, none of that happened, because I was allowing myself to (in my opinion) play good tournament poker. Doug wasn't shoving with garbage, this I knew. He had been experiencing a pretty painful two orbits, and I could easily see him shoving there with anything from 10's to Q's to even AK...my hand. But when the second guy quickly shoved also? How live can AK be there? Certainly I HAVE to hit one of my six (maybe) outs. Not very good odds. AK felt like a pretty easy fold there(sittin on 35 BB's). But watching the banter on my Facebook, I had 3 'for' my move and '3' against...and then just a handful of innocent bystanders trying to get a good view of the carnage. As long as the verbiage stays clean, and the personal attacks are kept to a minimum, it never bothers me to read that stuff. I always find it pretty interesting to see how my fellow players think on stuff like those 'big moments' when you have to either fold or pull the trigger.

Well, I was accused of playing too much like a nit, of folding my way to another 'min cash' which...sorry to say it, after how my trip in Iowa had been going...I wasn't all that averse to. Sneaking out of Council Bluffs with $3k or more would be considered a positive. Now obviously, if I had made that call...that probably would not have happened, because I would have been crippled down to about 15 bb's, which would have perished as I went horrendously card dead all the way down to the bubble.

I could go on and on about the theory of tournament poker when you get to that stage of the tourney. We all have our thoughts and opinions. But in conclusion, I find that in order to be in contention to win...you have to be present. One guy who wasn't present? Kevin Saul. Why? Well...in what I would consider to be one of the most bizarre and unnecessary plays I have ever seen late in a poker tourney (with the exception of my horrendous play at the Main Event Final Table in Hammond/Chicago two years ago vs. William Reynolds) ...he decides to pull a move that I can only conclude was motivated by a narcissistic desire to exact complete domination over the table at the most crucial time of the tourney.

A pretty active player raised in early position. It folded to Stephen Ma on the button. Steve is a damn good player, Asian kid...and he came to our table with a lot of chips, and essentially put them on lock down. Which is about how I play a heavy stack late in a tourney. I try to survive to the final table...where the money is good, then pick spots or wait on hands. So when Ma three-bet raises there, you might want to put him on a good hand. Just maybe. So what does Kevin Saul do? In the big blind? He...ahem...get ready....he FUCKING SHIPS IT. Yeah. Which prompts an immediate fold from the first guy. Now...I suppose this might work a lot, especially at this stage in the tourney...and guys are going to fold a lot of big hands....all the way up to, I'm thinking, queens. But the one hand that ISN'T getting folded? Yeah...aces. Which is what Stephen was holding, vs. Kevin's KQ. Not even a sweat, as the dealer put an ace on the flop and no help for Saul. He sent 250k the other way...then just went down the tubes from there. He did make the money...but just barely, 28th, for a min cash.

We finally got into the money when a guy literally allowed himself to get blinded down to where he was all in while in the big blind. Two players ended up getting whacked on the hand..and we were at 28. We got it to 27 and it was time to redraw. On my first hand, I got AJd and shoved all in under the gun...getting a call from the big blind with A10...and just like that, had a much needed double up...to just over 60k. Now, I could see all my patience possibly paying off.

A guy we call Premo came to our table...and on his first hand raised UTG (with A4 it turned out)...and like an idiot, I simply smooth called the 14k raise holding AQ...when the proper move would have been to move in. Pej and I know each other pretty well, and admittedly he would have folded to me...but I let a flop of 2-4-8 hit, and folded to his 20k bet. Damn. Not that I think it might have changed what happened on the 'OUT' hand I'm about to tell you about.

We got down to 22 players...and were one away from moving up another $700 in the money. At this point...I was just focusing on surviving, picking up a few more pay spots along the way...and hoping to catch fire when we got down to two tables. Which...sorry to say, is how I have final tabled a LOT of my big scores. Say what you want...but it's proven to be a pretty good recipe for success. So at 3k/6k....Casey Cavannaugh, who had been chipleader for a good portion of the tourney and would finish 3rd in this event...limps in UTG. This was the first time I'd had him at my table all tourney...so I had no idea what he was capable of in that spot, but what he was doing was being cagey and sneaky...a good strategy with 400+k in chips and a handful of shortstacks (including me) at the table.

Well, I looked down at JJ...which was the best hand I had looked at in hours. And right away with two other limpers behind him...and 48k in my stack...had me thinking about either taking down a pot of 30k or so and being back to a respectable amount...or possibly doubling up to well over 100k and being right back in this thing. I shoved all in. Casey very nonchalantly called and as the other two folded told me "well, I have two kings." You have WHAT!??? Oh shit! Damn...and I meekly turned over my once powerful jacks...which had shrunk up to virtual deuces now. I got no help from the dealer...and just sat there, bummed, not totally devastated by any stretch..since after that A8s hand I was more or less free-rolling anyway...but saddened that my 'magical journey' had ended.

But what was even MORE of a bad beat...was getting handed the card for 22nd place...and just 15 seconds later watching 21st being handed to the twerpy little dork who had annoyed everyone by dragging his 'lucky chair' (no it wasn't a chair he had brought from home...shut up!) from one table to the next...and coming up behind me asking if I just busted. Yes...squeaky-voiced troll who just got paid $700 more than me, I did. Son of a bitch!

I collected my $3745. I left my tip. Then I just stood there, in the cash room, where they make you walk to so you can cash your 'check' they issue you after cashing. What to do? Where to go? Damn...its over. Screw it...might as well play some cash game. Good decision for a change. In for $300...and eventually, after finally getting bored, and watching the table turn into one of those nightmares waiting to happen...you know the kind...when you get just the right mix of players and it goes from a nice little 1/3 table into a maniacal 5/10 game...and your profits over the past few hours are gone with one or two bad beats. Yeah...my work here was done. I cashed out for a nice little $498 profit...and Iowa was a wrap. My $740 20% gift was paid to Kai...which served to heal some of his cash game wounds. The only thing undone is how to handle what to give to my backer for this trip.

Its a touchy subject...first, because this is a guy I really like and respect, and second, because I would love to have future backing opportunities with him. Its kind of screwy though...because I called him with the 'good news' on Friday night...telling him that the last of our remaining $3500 in staking funds went into the $250 then $70 rebuy mega...which I won...and left us with a grand total of $10 in our account. So for this final mega on Sunday...that $250 deal with 15 players...I hit the ATM for that buy in. So hypothetically, it was done on my dime. But realistically, and I think...more to the fair side of things, I wouldn't have probably been in position to do that if I hadn't had all the previous shots afforded by him...a lot of you might have a LOT of different opinions on this matter...and I guess none of them really matter, do they?

I tried to call him two days ago to discuss it with him...but got his voice mail. And I see that he called me back today...but I was in the throes of another one of my marathon sleep sessions, which have been out of control since I got home. Granted, I am still battling this ridiculous cold that I picked up in Iowa. I got on some antibiotics finally, yesterday...and hopefully they are going to do the trick. I literally woke up today at 4:30pm! What the hell!??? In the past three nights, I have had some of the most epic dreams of all time. Last night's was, I'm positive, a film everyone would go see. But what happens? You wake up, and you start losing all of the important details. But this one last night, an action thriller, had me kidnapped at gunpoint by a deranged sociopath...held captive in his gross trailer. He was into some kind of conspiracy against the government. No one knew where I was. I was allowed in and out...but monitored such that anything I did to try to contact someone was immediately noticed. When I would return to the trailer he would check my pockets for anything unusual. Blah blah blah...it was a weird, yet exciting damn dream!

So what have I decided to do about throwing my Iowa backer a bone? I'm not sure...but giving him at least a dime seems pretty fair. I mean, yeah...that will mean I came home a loser overall...but it sure could have been a lot worse. And I did manage to scrape together another 12.5 points towards the Freeroll Points...and now, sitting with 42.5 going into New Orleans...I am just one event win...or a couple of final tables away from returning to the National Freeroll this summer. Striking distance!!!! And god forbid I win something for an amount that involves 5 numbers in it...with Carley Grace getting here in the next two weeks and the nest egg slowly dwindling away...the timing couldn't possibly be better.

So, oh yeah...what's up with Carley Grace? Well...everything is tracking for a normal delivery. Momma Squirrel has been making regular trips to the Baby Doctor...all signs are great. Due date is the 26th. My baby pool has sold 41 spots (out of a possible 216) and we have a split of those insisting an early delivery is coming to those even more insistent that a late delivery is on order for Squirrel. Well, she just worked her final shift at the Beau last night (for about three months) and I'm pretty sure she is ready to get that wiggling beast out of her. Last night...as we laid on the bed, I watched as Carley was moving all over the place. It's a trip, for sure. Can't lie...kept thinking about that scene in 'Alien'...you know the one!

I know I promised you guys a bunch of hilarious pictures from Iowa. I haven't forgotten that. But this entry just got way too long, agreed? I will follow up with a follow up. Cool? If you haven't checked out KAI'S ENTRY from Council Bluffs...I suggest you do, it was hilarious.

MONKEY

Back to Main Event? Yep. Whacky!

2012-04-09T04:22:00.000-05:00

Well...someone isn't ready for me to leave yet. Not sure why the poker gods keep fuckin with me like this, I keep choosing to believe that it's all part of a sinister master plan, designed to make me remember the road I was forced to travel down before realizing glory and riches.

So that when I finally arrive; down to heads up in a WSOP Main Event...with an 8-1 chiplead I can't possibly lose, and my limp with QQ (my punchout hand in Main Events about 381 times) is met by a shove all in by the guy with K-10 suited...and me calling... and a flop of Q-J-9...making me roll my eyes, and start counting out the guy's chip stack for the payout that will draw us closer in chips...watching as the ace hits the turn, just making it worse..and pushing the double up amount into the center of the table...as the dealer (who we shall, for the fictitious glory of this yarn...call Matt the Messiah) peels off the final queen in the deck...giving me QUADS...and the title, putting my QQ demons down for all time...giving me the championship, the ring, or hell...bracelet, and the multiple bundle of 10k stacks...that I smuggle into a secret compartment in my Monk-Mobile and Squirrel it off (no pun intended, but yeah, PUN INTENDED) to it's secret hiding place.

Than can only be...what I assume, Mr. Big upstairs has been planning for me all these painful years. Last night was a kick in the nuts, literally. It was deflating. It's always so discouraging when it happens in a Main Event. But like I told my wife on the phone as we were driving back to our hotel...I can lay in bed and feel sorry for myself, or I can take out another $250 from the ATM...play that last Mega, hope to play well, and run even better, emerge victorious, and go back to the Main Event, on Day 2, with 20k in chips (20BB's) and about 120 players, and just hope to put together some good hands, a little good luck, and just play well...and hope for the best.

Well...something went right tonight. I showed up about half way through level 2. First hand, I get QQ. Weird. I raise. Get called twice. Here we go. Flop comes Jack high. I lead out. They both fold. Okay, okay...I like it, I like it.

I never got to a point of desperation...but with a chance to eliminate a player and cripple another...there was a raise utg to 1800 (at 400/800) and I looked at AQ on the button. Hmmm. Re-raise? Flat? I felt pretty good about my ability to outplay these guys after the flop...already having won a hand where this Asian guy had raised early with 10-10, I flatted with 9-9..and when he checked the king-high flop I bet behind him...while he folded his 10's. So...I didn't think flatting with AQ was the worst idea. So I did. Well, OMRG in the SB complicates issues by shoving all in for 2950. Shit. Enough to re-open the betting. Will this first guy re-raise to isolate? Well he didn't. Hmmm. That's kind of weird. Must not be all that strong. Or maybe he is VERY strong and wants me to shove. Shit. Hate these spots. Damn. What do YOU do?

I decide NOT to shove (thank god...) but to just call. The flop comes 8-10-6. He checks. I check. The turn is an ace. He checks. I must be good. I bet 6200. He has 6800. He groans...then folds his pocket 7's. OMRG sees my AQ...and tells me he has 6 outs. Huh? He turns over pocket nines. Oh. Yeah...great. Well...not six, since dude just folded two of the 7's you need. FOUR. Two nines, and two 7's. Hey dealer? How bout putting a.....what!?? NO! What the fuck!!! COME ON!!! A seven on the river? Mother)(*!@#&(*!@#(*&!(*#

And just like that, my stack takes a monster hit. OMRG triples up...and I was in peril. Well, I would get my revenge on OMRG. With the blinds at 600/1200...I pick up QQ in the SB...it folds around to me. I meant to make it 3500, but picked up two purple (500 chips) instead of two orange (1000 chips) and announced raise. But what I had done was screw myself into min raising. Or had I!?? OMRG calls. The flop comes J-7-8. I bet....he shoves. I call, and he turns over 45. Yeah, another gut shot for the old cuss. Somehow, I fade the wrath of the OMRG....

I go on a heater and take over the chip lead. Then knock out the other OMRG...when he shoves on me after raising with QJ in the SB. I did some math....then grew some balls...and made the call...him showing me EL DIABLO!!!! Oh god...but I decided I wasn't going to fear that beast this time. Nope...I was ready to fade the K10. I flopped a Jack. But he turned an open-ended draw....don't do it, don't do it.......don't.....do.....it. THREE on the river. His wife was lurking over my shoulder and screeched out in horror. He emitted an OMRG ballad of "Whyyyy! Why must I always bubble!!??" Um....I had nothing. I had no time for that. I was heads up for the win.

The deal? One winner of a $1600 seat. The other guy getting $1456...so basically, two winners. But on a trip where I have done nothing but watch money leave my wallet, having expended my backer's last contribution with the previous rebuy satellite, I was not the least bit interested in having to enter my PIN # again to come up with the rest of the buy in loot. I was heads up with the Asian dude. He had his whole rooting crew behind him. He proclaimed he didn't care if he won or lost heads up...already feeling like he'd won, and that's fair, but I like winning when heads up, and also didn't feel like (as I said) spending any more money on this damn main event.

We played heads up for about two levels, trading off hands...and me maintaining a 2 to 1 lead on him....waiting for a hand where I could set him up. I finally got that chance...picking up pocket jacks on the button. Pretty much every time I had limped in, which I'd done with excellent drawing hands like 6-7 suited, 9-10, Q-9...he had raised. To which I had flatted, and hoped to catch something I could trap him with. A couple times I flopped air but check-raised him anyway, to which he folded both times. So when I limped with the Jacks...and he raised, I was ready to fuck him up for the kill. I re-raised him all in. He snap called, and turned over AQ. Ugh. Overs. He caught an ace on the flop...and it held. Dammit.

We played a bit longer. Back and forth. Then he won a hand that gave him a slight lead. I pick up QJ. Raise to 6000 at 800/1600. He smooth calls. Which he'd been doing a lot with some pretty not-so-impressive hands. One one hand I raised with 4-4. He called with K9. The flop came 4-9-10. And after checking the flop....I bet the turn (harmless 3) when he shoved all in with middle pair. Of course I called..and that was what gave me a massive lead at the time. So him shoving with middle pair was kind of normal for him. So with the QJ hand...and him calling, the flop comes 9-10-4. He checks to me, and I shoved all in. Again, he snap calls with middle pair. Well, okay...win this hand, and its all but over. Turn was a jack. Ugh. Two pair for him...but really changing nothing. I still needed a king or an 8...just meant that I could now hit a Q too. None of that happened as a 7 hit the river. I lose. 2nd place. Pony up another $150. Got my voucher and raced over to registration before they closed at 10pm. Going in as an 'alternate' which means show up...get my seat card.

I am not terribly devastated by not 'winning.' Hell...after that gutshot by OMRG (Old Man Run Good...for you newbies to my blog) I figured I was toast...and would be playing in the $350 ring event tomorrow at noon...which I may still play, if things don't go right for me early tomorrow. The re-start time for Day 2 is 11am. But instead...I turned it around, and have to admit, I'm pretty happy with the way I played to get to where I got. And have to just keep hoping/praying/assuming that God is totally fucking with my brain, and wanting to see me suffer, and hurt before he rewards me with 'The Great Victory.'

Kai and I finally hit the barbeque restaurant in the parking lot of our hotel. Don't ask me what its called, because I can't remember. But their food was awesome. They had, no shit...the best cornbread I've ever tasted in my life. The bartender recommended we put butter and HONEY (???) on it. Never tried that before. It was amazing. We couldn't eat everything, so we took to-go boxes for our refrigerator, the bartender giving us more cornbread for the road. Must have been the 25% tip.

I was going to blog when we got back to the room...as Kai himself was doing...but I passed out. Didn't even get around to sending out the email announcing the winners in my 85-entry Master's Pool. Then woke up at 1am...with a burst of sudden energy...and took care of the Master's Pool, which was won by the same guy who won my March Madness Pool. Think that guy is having a great spring? Well...he has taken a bunch of those winnings and invested $500 into my Carley Grace Baby Pool...which still has many openings on it. So kudos to that guy. I got shut out for the second year in a row in the Masters Pool...which I usually do pretty well in. After round 1, I had 5 of my 6 entries all in the Top Ten. Well, a few golfers like Ben Crenshaw (+11) and Stewart Cink (+9) took care of that in the next few rounds.

How about that Masters? I think everyone just kind of assumed Phil Mickelson would show up on Sunday and win another Green Jacket. But things seemed to fade for Phil when he had one horrendous hole, followed by Louis Oosthuizen's amazing double eagle. Then another impressive showing by the SEC! Here comes ex-Georgia Bulldog Bubba Watson...surging late, forcing a playoff, and winning on the second hole of overtime! A boy named Bubba wins the Masters! Isn't that just perfect!???

So after sending out my Master's winners' announcement, I decided to read Kai's blog entry. Holy shit. One of his best posts ever. I was laughing so hard I unfortunately woke him up. Well, if I didn't wake him up with my laughing, I'm sure I would have with my coughing from this chest cold from hell. You HAVE to check out his latest post...CLICK HERE to read his blog post. Yeah...if you are looking for FUNNY...mine isn't really the place to go today, Mr. Landry has the corner on that market. My post here tonight is more a general accounting of my day. I will try to match Kai with a funny post once all this is over. Probably while we are driving home on that 15-hour hellacious drive. [blog editor is telling me I spelled hellacious wrong..but its not offering me an alternative spelling, so it stays as it is]

I must sleep now. If some of you did as I asked in my post...and offered up a round of prayers for me last night...THANK YOU...it seems to have worked almost to perfection. Might I beg for more of the same tomorrow? If I win it all...or hell, even make the final table up here, I will happily reimburse you for your offerings later in some form!!!

MONKEY

Disaster with 20 Minutes Left....

2012-04-08T18:07:00.000-05:00

Happy Easter to all of you readers. Hope you had a lovely day with your family, or watching the Masters...which is about two holes from being complete. I am about to leave my room, and play this last-ditch 6pm $250 Mega they have. Yeah. You heard me. Mega. I know, I know...I already won the mega. And played the Main Event. Yesterday (last night). So what's the deal you ask?

Around midnight...my Dad's birthday (April 7th) changed over to Easter...and I was sitting on about 9k in chips...having lost 5k of my 20k early with QQ vs. buck-toothed, bald guy with thin upper lip and fat lower lip who has irritated me in the past. He either thought I was sitting on AK and decided to get cute and check raise me on the 8-4-2 flop...or after I three-bet re-raised him...and just smooth calling, only to bet another huge amount on the turn, which led to me folding, HAD a set, and I made a good fold. Or he was bluffing me the whole time. Whatever. It was another QQ debacle in a long line of QQ debacles. Picking up AK on the next hand and losing another 2k was no picnic either.

Then I went card dead. I mean....DEAD....like, I looked at 3-9 about 15 times. And when I did get a hand I might think about opening with...some guy behind me was raising. It was frustrating. Very, very frustrating. But I was willing to be patient, with over 250 players in the event, and surely a 1st place of $200k or so, it was WORTH it to not panic.

Kai Landry, my roomie and friend, would have his table break...and of course, gets moved to my table. He sits. He posts his BB, and I get AQh. Of course. I raise. No one calls. He folds. Cards turning? Maybe. I get AKc a short time later...and behind 4 callers at 400 I raise...and they all fold.

Charles "Woody" Moore...who was at my Mega table the night before, and made some of the most insanely tight folds I've ever seen (99 on a 7-high board with no straight or flush draw present, then AK on a K-8-3 un-flushed board) was playing totally opposite last night. Of course he was also hitting every....no wait...E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G!!!! He was doing a lot of 3 and 4 betting...running the table like a Red Pro on Full Tilt 'back in the day.'

On one particular loose call...he raised to 1050...then the guy on my right, who (to Moore's credit) had played fairly wild all night, shoved 9400...with AQ, and got called by Woody with A10 off. "Whoa" I thought. So when the board came 2-2-9...there was no doubt in my mind that the dealer would put either a ten or a nine on the turn and/or river. He did. He put a nine out there...for a chopped pot. Sick.

I've known Woody and his wife Becky for a lot of years, and have always liked them both tremendously. We've played together a lot, mainly at Venetian. So when I encountered the hand that I'm about to tell you, I'm not going to lie, I was both surprised and shocked. And well as disappointed.

Yeah, my Easter was about to get fatal. Woody raised UTG with A7c. Clearly not a real solid hand...but one that might make you think...since you are sitting at 60k and seemingly having your way with the table, that you can play it. I 'woke up' with 99 on the button and my 9200 chips. Woody's raise at 400/800 was to 2600. I shoved all in. He tanked. Which told me I was way ahead. And I'm not sure...but I think maybe he was about to fold, then he tells me "this is a donation Mr. Monkey" and makes the call. I saw his hand and felt pretty encouraged.

Dominic the dealer put to rest and feelings I may have had about doubling up with 15 minutes left in the night...when he conveniently kept Woody's streak of 'run good' going by placing not only an ace but a 7 just in case on the flop. And no miracle 9 would hit for me. And BOOM! I was out. Dead. Killed. KIA. I waited for Kai, while playing blackjack, which saw me win $65 on the first shoe...then lose $145 on the next one, as Kai joined me after bagging up $24k...and we rolled to the luxurious Days Inn, where I ingested an Ambien and pounded a fist full of cold medicine, and slipped off into REM-Land, where my dreams have been very, very bizarre lately.

Well, it looks like the Master's is going to overtime, or sudden death, or playoff...or whatever they call it. And its now 6pm...which tells me I'm late because I decided to post a blog instead of being on time for this last ditch Mega attempt. Not a big deal. I will miss ONE level.

Yeah...so today is a day off for the Main Event. They had a $350 Turbo event at 4pm. Non ring, non points event. I skipped it. So I could play this $250 Mega. Win it...and I get to go back for another shot in the Main Event....tomorrow, when they restart at 11am. I will go in with 20k, or 20 big blinds. Which might not sound like a lot...but its about exactly what I would have had if my pocket nines had held up. And it means I would still have a shot, ANY shot...and going home with the kind of money that would see me bring my baby into this world with an UN-stressed out Daddy looking on!

So that's it. Gotta run. If you are a praying man/woman, I ask that you go deep for me on this next 24-48 hours of your prayer time!!!

MonkBunny

Time for the Main Event!!!

2012-04-07T18:02:00.000-05:00

Here we go! After a lousy, bad-beat filled circuit event, things finally turned around yesterday. After getting knocked out of the noon Mega...I went over to the cash room, played for a couple hours, cashed out with a $32 profit (I know...Woo Hoo!) and headed over late (intentionally) for the 4pm $70 Mega with $50 rebuys. My intention in those is to NOT get mixed up in the repetitive rebuy process...thus rendering it to ridiculous, as you sometimes cut your EV way down by investing way too much into what is a $1600 event.

So when I sat down, and looked at a pair of 5's and a guy raising to 525 behind me (at 100/200) and 2000 in my starting stack...it was one of those "well, great...here we go I guess" moments. I called. Then this kid in the 8-seat...who had no ability to smile or show ANY emotion whatsoever...and to me is a prime candidate to develop into a serial killer or child predator in the very near future...made it 1200. Oh! Shit. The guy who made it 525 folded...and mumbled something about that guy being super, super tight. Shit.

Fuck it. Lets take a shot. It's a rebuy. I flatted. And magically flopped a 5-3-8 board. Check. He bets 1000. I threw my last 800 in there and looked at his KK. I held. Double up, plus some. Nice. Never rebought. Just took the double add-on for $100...and was in for a total of $170.

I cruised. My KK held. My AA held. I had two hands where if I had called after raising...instead of folding, I would have won...and would have REALLY cruised. Things got a little hairy with two tables left...and I had to win with Q10 all in twice...both times against 88. Hitting a queen both times. On the bubble we had a guy all in for less than the big blind...and all of us called the 800...without looking at our cards...and simply checked it down, which is EXACTLY how it should have been played out. I was pretty proud of my table for not fucking that up. Turns out I made three tens...and it was over. Mercifully.

I opted for the 7pm start time...which is a little over an hour from now. Kai had originally signed up for noon, but liked my idea of going out with a bunch of fellow players and a handful of dealers last night instead...and then sleeping in, and going to play the second session well-rested. I'm also battling a chest cold, which I'm sure I picked up from one of these assholes who was here last week sneezing all over the place without covering their mouth. Funny how I almost NEVER get sick...and when I do, its always at a poker tourney. So we went downtown to Omaha...where they have some really cool bars and restaurants. Its the first time I had ventured out of our immediate area the whole time since we got here.

We drove by their arena and baseball stadium, which are really nice. The downtown area was really modern, and clean. It's a really nice city. We went to a place called the Dubliner...which had an Irish setting, and a couple guys playing live music. It had a nice 25-35 crowd. After that a couple carloads of us went to check out Council Bluffs version of a strip club. We had 4 girls with us...and they had the same reaction to it as most of us did.

"Its like a Flea Market with strippers."

"It's like right after Footloose, they decided to take it up a notch!"

"It's reminds me of a Siberian work camp's recreation room." This comment from a lovely lady one of my poker buddies (not knowing if he wants this revealed for public consumption so I will keep him anonymous) has been 'hanging out with' during this poker trip. The girl is brilliant, with several degrees who speaks many languages and apparently has spent some time in Russia!

The girls were pretty skanky, and covered with all kinds of tattoos. It was one big long stage....and then cheap tables and chairs on either side of it for viewing. It was kind of like a big, long VFW hall...where the only thing missing was a Bingo Barker. The highlight of the night was...well, this is kind of a stretch...

At some point an 'issue' occurred at the far end of the barn...and several yellow-shirted security guys went flying by in full sprint to get to the other side...which was easily 50-60 yards away. Oh no...suddenly, one of them slipped...and fell...and like a midget bowler...went flying past us like a spinning ball on his way to knock down the pins...and thats about what happened, as he careened into a bunch of chairs and tables. Then quickly getting up and continuing his pursuit of the situation that had already been resolved. Wow. These guys working security were like a pack of 45 hyenas all fighting over half a piece of meat.

"Action! Action! Give us Action! Give us something...ANYthing...to get fired up about!!!!"

At one point one of us took a picture...which I will show you down below...and we were pounced on by three of them.

"HEY! There is NO taking pictures in here! I have to see those! And I might make you DELETE THEM!!"

It made us laugh that we had to tell him we didn't find ANY of the girls worthy of photographing...that what we were taking pictures of were each other and the guy who looked like Adolph Hitler sitting all by himself waiting for something to happen. We showed him the pictures...and issued us a terse warning about future photos...then his handler pulled him (by his chain and choke collar) back from our table and into his corner.

I realize it might be kind of hard to really make this guy out. But take it from me he was really creepy looking. Totally what you expect to see sitting at home looking at kiddy porn. When a black girl finally approached him for a private dance in back, he stood up and with the most eerie grin on his face...took the walk with her. And right on cue...about 8 of us started applauding and clapping, while Kai started saluting him with the Heil Hitler arm salute. Perfect. We left shortly after that....with the spinning top of the bouncer being our #1 highlight of the evening.

I will have more exciting stories from Omaha, along with fun photos...coming in my next blog or so. I have been holding back for days...mainly because I've been depressed at all the bad run..and didn't feel like spilling my misery on this blog. But I'm hoping to have a really good Day 1 tonight...bagging up a healthy stack, and spending tomorrow writing a funny blog while relaxing on a day off (yeah for some damn reason they scheduled Sunday off for Easter) and then returning on Monday for Day 2.

Gotta go! Wish me luck!

MONKEY

Kicked in the Gut! April's Fool's Ya C***Bags!!!

2012-04-02T05:15:00.001-05:00

It's 10:45am. I just woke up. I laid down at 10:30pm. I came back to my room with the intent of blogging, then putting my much anticipated Master's Pool together, and sending out the invite. But the disgust of yesterday's tournament disaster left me mentally drained, depressed and frustrated with life in general. So that when I laid down...I just (and I thank God for this) kind of passed out and never woke up. Until now.

Yesterday was just kind of one of those classic days that started with great hope...only to end in extreme disappointment. Needed Kentucky to cover 8 1/2 and score more than 137 pts total. Looked good...then didn't. They won by 8. Yeah. 8. And the over/under looked good to get clipped, until Louisville missed 9 shots in a row. That missed by 7 points. This happened while I was on dinner break. A dinner break that saw me sitting on 68k chips, when the average was 28k.

Flash back to event 1. Early on...in Level 2 in fact...I lost with set over set (me 22, him JJ...on a 2-3-J flop) to drop me to 1100 chips. Through a lot of patience, discipline and some luck...I grinded that 1100 all the way back, and eventually made the money. But I would see things break wrong...folding a couple of hands (99 and JJ) that I later wished I could have a 'do over' with...then getting it in with a hand (66) that I kind of wished I would have folded when I had the chance...instead of losing to the guy with KK...who would eventually make it down to at least 4. That final table...when it was down to 6...was (I'm not lying) six of the worse players I have ever seen make a final table. It always amazes me how those things happen. I think it's God's cruel little joke on those of us who actually know this game...who are blessed with the ability to actually play it like professionals. He just likes to watch us suffer...before granting us a much deserved win. Yeah...destroy us with beats at the hands of these clowns...then make us stand around and watch them win OUR money. Pretty funny God...hilarious actually. We'll talk about it...you and me, in about 30 or 40 years when I get upstairs.

Oh I suppose their are those who will argue that having the idiots of poker make the final table is good for the game...that it keeps those morons with zero talent coming back because they have been instilled with the false sense of greatness, thinking that the one day when all the planets and stars became aligned in perfect interstellar synchronicity to allow the entire group of them to make the final table was some kind of normality. No donkey, no it wasn't. It was nothing more than a cruel joke, played by God on us 'normies.' You and your fellow mutants will likely never taste that sensation again, of sitting there with mountains of chips that were more confusing to you than impressive.

I bowed out of that tourney 32nd. Good for an amazing $595. My roomie, Kai Landry...would get OMRG'd by El Diablo.

I like to source my fun little pictures using GOOGLE...so when I searched for photos on EL DIABLO...this was the first two pictures that popped up! Got a favorite? I bet you do! You damn perverts!

What she has to do with Satan, and/or El Diablo....I have no idea...but if that is what is waiting for me in hell, uhhhh....okay!

In what would amount to a remarkably ironic demise....he made a play against a table full of clowns that you would never see in a 'real' tourney against 'real' players...similar to the way I went down yesterday. He had been losing one hand after another...watching his 120k+ dwindle. So when he picked up QQ...behind a raiser and a caller...he decided to do exactly what I did yesterday...in the small blind, with the same exact hand...against the guy (we shall call him Mr. ShitFuck) who was raising 7 out of 10 hands.

We both raised half our stack. In my case...it was 15k...as my 68k had, through horrendous orbits of run-bad, which basically consisted of lots of good hands, with raises....calls, terrible flops, and folds....had now dwindled down to 31k. I needed to win a hand...and any kind of decent pot. And right now...as he raised (again) to 3000, and got two calls, which was normal, since he was raising nearly every hand...and now no one was giving his raises even a normal amount of respect or consideration, I raised half my stack in hopes of taking down the 12k pot, and restoring order to my stack (and mindset)...with only 45 minutes left to play in the night, and a better than average chance of cashing again, picking up some more National Freeroll points, and being in position to get after the $35k for first place...which right now in my life, with the baby arriving in 30 days or so...could not be more vital to my existence.

Kai raised half his stack. With QQ. In his case...the OMRG flat called. Yes. Flat called. Which, for the record was 75% of HIS stack to call. Where do these assholes come from? What kind of misfires occur in their brain that cause these decisions to be rendered? I wish I knew...but at the same time, the idea of knowing why...is frightening. If you have ever raised half your stack, only to have the person smooth call, then you will know that feeling you get. The feeling of..."you have GOT to be kidding me, what the fuck? Did he seriously just SMOOTH call?" And if you are sitting there with QQ...you have that horrendous feeling of praying that an ace or a king don't flop.

My guy didn't smooth call. No, he did something which was just as equally curious. And annoying. And stupid. He asked how many chips I had. I told him 31k to start the hand. So he moves all in. The other two fold. Now...his reaction after I snap shoved all in would leave me to think that he might just have been stupid enough to think I was going to fold (after raising half my stack). When the first thing he said was "Wow, well I must really be behind." Really? You think? Asshole!!? He turns over AQ. The dealer is 'Mikey'...who I was nice enough to give all my money to playing mixed games with the dealers on our night of arrival, and who looks and talks exactly like the actor Paul Giamatti....which wouldn't stop freaking me out.

Yeah...so this is the aforementioned Mikey....or 'Shampoo' as they call him. Guess they get this from his last name...which is, conveniently Champoux. See the resemblance to the well known actor? I do. And he talks exactly like him. Well...this photo here...was taken a couple days later, in the Omaha tourney....a tourney where he would sit down and deal me three orbits of HELL! Started with flopping me top set of Kings, only to lose. I hit a flush. Lost. I hit a set again. Lost. Made a straight, lost to a rivered boat. It was another 'Giamatti Calamity.' Not sure why, after he heard about...then read this blog, why he wanted to be immortalized here in my blog with a photo and shout out...but hey, everyone is bizarre in their own little special way, aren't they?

So it's hang on, clench the butt cheeks, and pray for this asshole to miss his ace. To get my stack back to around 80k when the average was only 42k. To play out the last 45 minutes of the night, bag up a good stack, come back only about 10 spots from the money...and go out with the boys, on a night out in exciting Omaha, Nebraska...and not have to be back until 2pm today for the restart. The flop was ideal...and it seems like most of the time, if you can fade the flop, you end up winning. 8-8-4 on the flop. Cool. Cool. And no flush draws. Turn was a nine. Perfect. One more card to fade. And at the same time I will cripple this idiot..named Jeff. Or Jayyy-effff as some of the locals who knew him were calling him. And oh, he knew me. We had already established that...as he was prying into my personal life, wanting to know what I was doing/watching on my iPad. Then acknowledged having played with me in Chicago and Vegas. Knowing me as a circuit pro/regular. Yes, he knew me. Knew my skill level. Yet, after raising half of my stack, still left open the possibility that I was going to fold to his ridiculous all in.

Jayyyy-effff obviously skull fucked a mule that morning, or sacrificed one of the local children of the corn in a vinegar and baking soda-based volcano, because Giamatti delivered that son of a vampire an ace of hearts on the river. Picture a crawfish. Picture yourself holding the head...pinching the tail...and ripping it all out of his lifeless soul. Along with the tail you occasionally get a high percentage of the innards...which makes eating crawfish kind of disgusting, unless your a swamp ghoul...and aren't capable of finding anything disgusting, not even getting your sister pregnant while your father and brothers cheerlead. Now picture me, being picked up by my feet, turned upside down...and having my insides pulled out of me when whatever monster it was that just picked me up by my feet did so with the intent to eat me.

That is the feeling I had. I would have stood up and left right away, but I felt like my spine left my body. I felt like lifeless mush in that chair. I said nothing. Just cringed. And of course I had to be serenaded by the stupid ass fuckhead whining about how he had folded A9 preflop and would have been the eventual winner.

Yeah, I got two-outed. Again. Oh...gee, so back when there was a raise (the asshole with AQ incidentally) a while back and the old guy who looked identical to Mr. Hand from Southpark had re-raised all in, that I SHOULD have called with my A8s? Because I would have used my psychic abilities to know the flop was going to come out AA8? Boy...I suck! Well, dickfaceriverturd would once again overplay a hand, shoving with QQ, running into Mr. Hand's KK...and losing on the A-A-8-K-10 board.

What happened to Kai? Maybe you forgot I was still sharing his story with you? Well, in his case the flop came 10-high. Kai of course shoved the remainder of his stack. Only to be called by the Mental Midget with El Diablo, which...if you are a regular reader here I don't even need to TELL you what it is, and if you aren't well, I'm just going to make you earn it. Kai was ahead, and about to double up...and sail on to Final Table glory, I can only assume...until being derailed by the inevitable king landing in the kill zone. Good game Kai. Go back to the room and murder something.

He was nice enough to hop in his car at the hotel, and with ambulance lights flashing and siren wailing, hot foot it over to Horseshoe to pick me up in the valet lane before I went on a killing spree in the casino. I shared my inglorious tale with him...pointing out the obvious coincidence. Then we went through a couple of local neighborhoods, knocking over garbage cans, hitting mail boxes with 2x4's, and even robbed a gas station before finally decided to call it a night. And as I mentioned, I just woke up.

Harold and Kumar are currently on my television, they have hitched a ride with the disgusting driver (aptly named FreakShow) who has pulsating boils on his neck and ears that are crusty and about to fall off. All this before I have had a bite of food yet. Thank god.

Know what I hate more than anything? Even the guy with the AQ in the 8 seat, who I'm sure will make the final table today? 'Big Bang Theory.' I don't watch the show. But I get beat up by the promos on TBS. Every time I see one of those commercials I find myself wanting to attack my TV.

Monday Night. Kansas vs Kentucky. Two of the greatest programs in college basketball history. Flash back a few years...to Memphis vs. Kansas. Calipari vs. Bill Self. Calipari seeking his first national title. Memphis with Derrick Rose, and other studs. The favored team. Leading by 9 with 4 minutes left. And losing. It also happened to cost me the Sweet 16 pool that I run. Well, those two coaches tee it up again. And again, Kentucky will be favored. Its Calipari's chance at redemption, and his first elusive national title. With a team that will surely be one and done after this year. Because that's the way things at programs like Kentucky, and North Carolina work. They get the best of the best...the McDonald's All Americans...who go to the best programs, the ones who are on TV every week...so they can showcase their talents, then declare for the NBA draft after one season. Then they leave...and a new batch come in.

Personally, I hate it. And I don't care how good a coach might be...only getting half of your team, regardless of talent, has to be TOUGH to assemble into a title team. I will be rooting for Kentucky, because of how Kansas fucked me 4 years ago. And because Kai got a speeding ticket driving through Kansas on our way here. Go Cats.

[update! Kentucky Wins! 67-59...and dominated the entire game! Ship another championship to the SEC! ]

Okay...so I went to wrap this bastard up...and suddenly my internet stopped working. Tried to reboot. Then tried my Verizon card. Then brought my computer to Horseshoe, to try there. Nothing. Called Dell. Nothing. Running bad in poker. Couldn't connect to internet. Master's Pool...being threatened. Title Squares....needing to be promoted....can't. Was about to lose my mind. Somehow...I got smart. I restored my stupid ass computer to 5 days ago...and then BOOM! I was able to get online again. Damn computers. So now ...its 4am. I'm (not going to lie) shit faced....and have to get this Master's Pool finished...and the invite sent out. Good night. Ugh!

Monk-Zilla

DAY ONE in Council Bluffs

2012-03-30T13:01:00.000-05:00

Good News...Bad News.

Good News. We got to Omaha/Council Bluffs in a reasonable amount of time. Kai only got ONE speeding ticket...by a Missouri cop who looked like a lead actor straight out of an 80's porn flick. I half expected him to rip off his pants in tear-away fashion and start gyrating his hips...to demonstrate to us that we had been punked out on highway whatever highway that was. Didn't happen. He was just trapped in the 80's.

We arrived. We joined 10 dealers at their hotel for some late night mixed game and Jack Daniels. Despite gaining an early advantage on these 'pros' I eventually got stacked by the same guy twice...and left with 145 reasons to give them shit all day the following day.

We got to the Horseshoe on time...well, for US on time...only 15 minutes late. Not so much the case today...as it's already 12:45. But I had to take care of my pool responsibilities today, as I push to get my NCAA TITLE GAME Squares sold...my Baby Pool filled up...and start talking up my Masters Pool that happens next week. Somethings have to take a back seat...and today that is poker. I'm not all that devastated about missing the 25/25 level anyway...where you inevitably have those idiots raising from 25/25 to 300. And getting 6 calls. Pfft. Whatever.

The turnout was nice. 355 players. And I am happy to announce that ALL FOUR of us Biloxi Boys....Me, Kai Landry, Tim Burt and David 'Lurky' Nicholson all cashed. I busted 32nd...another min cash....went card dead at the WRONG TIME...blinding down from 81k to 55k and forced to get it in with 66...where I ran into a guy with KK. Tim Burt would run KK into that same guy who just happened to have AA...and he busted right at the end of the night...picking up a couple more pay spots than I did. Kai and Lurky are still in the tourney...as they played down to 25 players. First is $23k. Second I think is $15k. I know Kai needs a win as bad as I do...so I will root hard for him.

Today is Day 1a of a two-day $350 tourney. Should be a nice turnout again. As far as the quality of players? Not bad. My first table was actually quite good. But then I got moved to a less impressive table. A lot of faces I've seen a bit of. It was a pretty tame day as far as "I can't believe I just fucking saw that" moments are concerned. My last table of the night was pretty gross...as we had me, Nicholson, and Mark aka 'Pegasus' at our table...and easily more chips on our table than any other. I made a couple big folds preflop that I might wish I had gone with now....JJ behind a raise and a spastic all in...that I kind of thought had AK probably. Then I raised at cutoff, to 7k with 99...only to have Nicholson shove 44k with AQ. (I saw after I folded). I had 80k at the time....just seemed like a bad call. But I don't know...maybe should have pulled the trigger.

Played a little cash game after busting at 1am...waiting on Kai to finish at 2 and bag his chips. Bought in for their maximum of $300 and cashed out with $525 in one hour. In other words, my profit in one hour was the same as my profit playing 12 hours of that tournament. Kind of depressing. Discovered that the cash game players here are....ugh....awful. Might be some money to be made here in cash game. But I hope to be spending long, long hours in every tourney. I guess I picked up either 2.5 or 5 pts for my cash yesterday...getting me closer to the Freeroll points I need...which we all figure to be about 90 points probably. I really want a spot in that tourney for the 2nd year in a row.

I'm into my 2nd week of the Zija nutritional products...which feature weight-loss programs and energy products. I take a capsule in the early day...and then one in the afternoon. In between I drink a Moringa-fueled 'SmartMix'...that works to increase my energy levels....as well as curb my appetite. I was excited to see how I would feel yesterday during the tourney...and admittedly, I felt a lot more alert and sharp than usual. But I want a more extensive sample size on time before I can conclusively decide that these products really are doing the job for me. But so far, so good. I haven't had any drastic weight loss in the last two weeks. I've been pretty much hovering around 250-252...which is still down from the 265 I weighed in January...but I'm ready to take off another 10 lbs....to get to 240 would be ideal. 230-235 being perfect. But that might be tough.

I have had no fewer than 5 people that haven't seen me in awhile tell me that I look like I've lost a lot of weight...almost all telling me they can see it in my face, and that I look younger. That made me feel awesome!!! And definitely inspires me to keep on keeping after it. It's a good feeling not wheezing when bending over to tie my shoes!!!!

Okay, I really need to wrap this up and head over...I will arrive in Level 3 I guess...with the blinds at 50/75...which, with 10k in chips...is just fine.

MONKEY

Heading Back to my Roots....IOWA!!!

2012-03-27T03:47:00.000-05:00

Yeah. You heard me. Iowa. Roots, he says? Yes...roots. My family all came from Iowa. And the Native American in me...Sioux...comes from that area as well. As a kid, our family, while living in Kalispell, Montana, used to fly in my Grandfathers single-engine plane to Northwest Iowa...and spent a couple weeks with our relatives in Lake Okoboji...which sat next to Spirit Lake. I remember we were there during the 1976 Olympics...and my fondest memory was of Bruce Jenner winning the Decathlon and Sugar Ray Leonard the Gold Medal in boxing. Some of you are reading this and can't believe I'm that old. But what's weird? Is it doesn't seem that long ago.

So I haven't been to Iowa in a long time. A really long time. But on Wednesday morning...I will climb into Kai Landry's Toyota Whatch-a-ma-callit and head off on a 15-18 hour odyssey to try and win money and secure points towards the National Freeroll in Las Vegas this summer. We go expecting the fields to be small, which will afford us a much better chance of making Final Tables. I was fortunate enough to receive an offer from a good player and good friend to back me for all the events up there...but the most important obstacle was getting permission from my boss. Oh..that would be the wife...A.K.A. Squirrel.

Permission came in the form of our baby doctor giving me (more or less) the green light to make the trip...thinking that being home a full 3 weeks before the expectancy date for Miss Carley Grace will be sufficient time. And if something wild should occur, and she comes way early...well, there are 8 flights a day out of Omaha that all arrive in Gulfport in 4-5 hours from departure. So...I can't see myself missing my 1st child's birth for any reason. I did have a dream the other night...where I was chipleader at the final table of a $355 tourney...and I got the call that she was going into labor. It was a pretty exciting dream, that involved leaving the tourney...and having them pay me for whatever spot I got blinded down to, and then getting into a fight with the assholes at the airport working for Delta...who nearly had me arrested by the local fuzz. Why do I have an eerie feeling that this could come true?

Life has been a little wacky lately. I've managed to squeeze in a few cash sessions...all BAD. I still haven't done my income taxes for last year. Not that I'm stressing about it...as crappy of a year as I had, I fully expect to get a refund. They came and spent three days putting in new floors in our house. They look great. And our house smells like a new home. Carley's room is all completely done. The guy who finished 2nd to me when I won my Omaha H/L WSOP ring (in late 2010), Brett Allelo, has some electrician skills, and came by this weekend with his wife (they came down from Baton Rouge for their anniversary) to visit and bring us a baby gift for Carley. While he was here, he put up the chandelier that Claudia got us for the room. It looks great. Her room is perfect. I find myself going back there sometimes late at night...sitting in the rocking chair...and just reflecting on what its going to be like in just a few weeks. Wow!

March Madness is down to the Final Four...and just like every season for almost 20 years now...all of my brackets are dead. You would think that with four pretty good teams making it, I might have had ONE bracket (out of over 20) have at least a chance. Nope. Not even close.

After watching my UW Huskies get snubbed for the NCAA tourney...we had to settle for the NIT. And I have to admit, beating our hated rivals, the Oregon Ducks...to advance to NYC and Madison Square Garden was awfully delightful. Speaking of delightful...noticed something scampering around on the sideline...then had to do a little research on the topic. I might hate Oregon...but there is ONE good thing about Oregon...and their fans.

Way to go Oregon. Finally...one GOOD thing that I can say about the Ducks!

Well, they have made it down to the Final Four of that tourney, along with fellow Pac-12 members Stanford. In addition to that, the Washington St Cougars (also of the Pac-12) have made the Championship game (which is a best of three series) in the CBI tourney. And NO...I can NOT tell you what CBI stands for. But WSU won Game 1 last night 67-66. Sorry, but my Pac-12 pride was greatly damaged when we got shunned for the Big Dance...so I am looking for anything to make me feel better.

Kentucky Freshman All-American...Anthony Davis, who will surely be a 1-and-Done NBA lottery pick this season... will certainly be able to buy a grooming kit to get after that nasty Uni-Brow!

Hmmm...separated at birth, I ask? They sure do look a lot a like, don't they???

So...the Final Four comes to New Orleans. Somehow, I don't really think the Gulf Coasters are all that excited. It's a lot different than the excitement (my opinion at least) of the BCS Title Game and/or the Super Bowl, which will be here in January of 2013. I think the most exciting part of the Final Four for me, especially since I will be in Council Bluffs, Iowa...will be rooting for my lucky numbers to hit on one of the many boards I expect to fill for the Title Game. Last year we sold 5 boards...at $25 per square...and I won around $2000 on the game. Wouldn't mind a repeat of that feat!

Oh boy. Speaking of Super Bowl, and New Orleans. What the hell just happened to the Saints? OMG! I honestly think the people of New Orleans are still kind of in shock. I mean...Roger Goodell has just kind of decided he is the GOD of the NFL, hasn't he? Bounties? Now...y'all know that I've had a colorful experience myself with bounties! I used to love droppin' a bounty on my fellow players for a variety of reasons. Granted, I wasn't in the business of having them 'bounticized' so I could see them wheeled off the table! But hey! Who are we kidding? Ever since us little boys started putting on a helmet and shoulder pads, our coaches have always screamed bloody murder at us to hit the other guy so hard you sent him home crying to his mama. Football is a violent game. Who are we trying to kid? I think this has a lot more to do with the pending lawsuit that the former players have brought against the league...and the NFL is trying to use this as evidence that they are proactive when it comes to 'protecting the players.' What a joke.


This guy might want to avoid any immediate travel plans that include the Crescent City!

I have to wonder if Roger Goodell even played football in his life? It started with all the fines he has been passing out to mainly defensive players, for hits deemed 'excessive.' I don't know a single fan who doesn't go to a football game and get excited when a defensive player flattens a guy after a catch, or during a run. Or on a kickoff return. It's bullshit. They are ruining the game. And I don't know what the hell the Saints are going to do about this coming season. They haven't even handed out the penalties yet for the individual players involved. I mean...wow, they could be in a situation where they have to score 60 pts a game to win.

A full year ban from coaching. $5.8m down the tubes. That's a lot to think about for Coach Payton. Rumors have him working for FOX-TV during his season away from the sidelines.

All this...without their head coach, their assistant coach...and General Manager. Gross. If there is one thing I believe, knowing what I know about football...there should be a decided edge for the Saints from a psychological standpoint...sort of an 'Us Against the World' mentality, that could result in an amazing season. I mean...if they go 2-14...will anyone really be critical? Shit...maybe they should just go 0-16...secure the #1 draft pick (a major necessity, since Mr. Asshole stole away their 2nd round pick!) and come back with guns blazing in 2013!!!

BountyGate! All started by this guy, Gregg Williams, who received an Indefinite Suspension from His Highness, Lord Goodell.

While we are still on the subject...if there is one tragedy that our media has created and refused to let go of, its the overuse of the word 'Gate' as it relates to ANY scandal that has surfaced in the last 35 years. Ever since Nixon and his boys got popped during illegal tape recordings and break-ins at the Watergate Hotel in D.C. every freaking scandal that has occurred since has been labeled 'Whatever-Gate.' It's fucking stupid. Want to read a LIST of stupid scandals that have had the 'GATE' affixed to them? Do you? Seriously? Wow...then you really have TOO much time on your hand. CLICKHERE to see this stupid list.

Is there anything more delicious than a bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch? Especially late at night? The milk...at the conclusion of the feast? Simply amazing.

Squirrel and I managed to get into the TV show (on AMC) 'Mad Men' and were bummed when it went on hiatus. Well, happy to announce its back. Featuring Christina Hendricks and her fabulous rack...as well as January Jones...who is very sexy...its a cool show about NYC in the 60's...and they do an astoundingly accurate job with portraying all the fashions and styles of the times.

So, oh...yeah...my last few cash sessions have totally sucked. Three at the I.P. followed by one at Harrah's last Friday night. Got a call from Barth asking me if I wanted to go check out some MMA fights at Harrah's. Sure. Why not. Drove over...and took our seats, three rows back...and watched as the average fight went about 1 minute and 4 seconds. It was your typical crowd, lots of fake boobs, lots of tattoos, lots of little short guys wearing 'Tap Out' shirts. One fight almost broke out in the crowd...but sadly, it never materialized.

When the fights ended, I secretly wanted to get the hell out of there...knowing how a cash game session at that place usually ends. But Barth had the itch. So we had to go scratch it. Seated at my table were the usual cast of mutants who you either lick your chops when you see (as I did) or hold your breath and hope you can fade the ridiculousness of their play (which I couldn't). It started bad...and it ended worse. I think the one that defined the session was losing to the middle-aged freak with the rat tail. Yes, apparently, someone brought that super-cool 80's look back and forget to tell me.

The guy at our table wasn't nearly as HIP as this guy seems to be!

Do you even care what the hand was? Why would you? Lets just say that behind a limp of $5 (on a straddle) I made it $30 with 99...prompting 4 callers, including ratboy with 10-5...suited of course. And never finding the reason to ever fold after the flop...which of course, DID produce a ten-high flop...not for $45. Not for $65 after a king hit the turn....or $140 when an ace hit the river. He would make another couple of 'huge' plays that would leave him broke...only to buy back in for $60 (same amount he originally bought in for) again...running it up to $300, and letting his wife (her critique is coming) talk him into leaving. His wife. Wow. You have seen those before/after pictures right? I looked for one on Yahoo AND Google just now..and came up empty! But the one where they are embarrassed by their hideous yearbook photo from the 80's? The over-permed 'big hair', the jacked up teeth, the thick glasses with the big frames? You've seen that picture, right? That was this guy's wife. God love 'em!

I lost $500 in that session. The one before that, at the I.P. I lost $1100. That was one of those nights where no matter what you did, no matter what you flopped, no matter what you bet to get that old guy with the rickety jawbone to fold...they just weren't ever folding. And getting a hand to hold up? Forget it! Wasn't happening. There were two separate beats where after seeing the river I had to get up...walk out of the poker room, and do a total lap of the casino.

This whole 'Playing Cash Game for a Living' idea that I had isn't going too well so far. And frankly, I just don't think I have the determination to see it through. I hate cash game. I hate the people (for the most part) who play cash game. I hate how it becomes more about gambling than about the game of skill I prefer to think poker should be. I just sit there seething most of the time. And there is no way that can be considered healthy, on any planet, or in any civilization! How crazy did that last session make me? The one at the I.P? Well...this was the little movie I made...as I drove home in what closely resembled a Category 2 hurricane.

Yeah...its safe to say that I was, indeed, a little bit on 'Life Tilt' that night. But hey...thank god for the Attivan prescription my doctor wrote for me earlier that week.

What else is going on? Oh...yeah...this little scam that our country likes to call an energy crisis? Yeah...that isn't pissing people off too much is it?

I've been pissed off about gas prices for years. I tried to combat it a few years ago by investing in the oil market. Figured, if I can't beat 'em, I'll join 'em. Yeah, sure....right. So I bought a bunch of shares of USO (United States Oil Fund) and watched a very interesting thing happen. It adjusted, to fuck the shareholder. See, it used to almost mirror the price of the barrel. When I was looking at it...it was priced at $110 a share when the barrel price reached an ungodly $135 per barrel back in the summer of 2008. Oh...but then oil prices plummeted. So I pounced, at $28 a share...when oil was down to $40 a barrel. So what happens? Oil goes up...and up...and up. But what did USO do? Not much. In fact, the barrel cost was going up at about a 3 to 1 ration vs. the share price of USO. Ridiculous. Well, guess what? The greedy scumbags who run the oil corporations are doing the same exact thing to the American consumers.

It is the biggest ripoff, I think...in the history of the modern world. There is NO shortage of oil. At all! Quite simply, it is a conspiracy by the CEO's of the oil industry to keep the supply levels low, so that the demand always far outweighs what supplies appear to be on hand. Last year...oil was almost exactly the same price...right around $104 a barrel. Only difference? Gas prices were about .40 cents cheaper per gallon. Why? I don't know, you tell me! It hasn't gotten any more expensive to source, or ship, or refine. And shockingly, the big corporations like Chevron, BP, Texaco, and Shell have all reported multi-billion dollar profits for each quarter for the last five years.

Yeah, great...I am all about capitalism, I'm all about making a buck. But for chrissakes, these son of a bitches are killing the American economy with their greed...and Obama, the various departments who oversee the petroleum industry, the congressman, the various lobbyists who are in bed with the oil business, they don't do a damn thing to influence some kind of relief to the American economy. Why? Is it because there is a secret mission within our government to eliminate the middle class? Am I getting too political today? Am I losing some of you? Sorry...but I am sitting here watching as our gap between the ultra-rich and the middle class gets wider and wider. It's freaking me out. While also pissing me off. Because I just picture these fat fuckers sitting around in their board rooms, laughing their balls off at how stupid society is, how easy it is to manipulate the market to earn whatever profits it is they decide they are going to make. I mean...what is anyone going to do to stop them? Nothing! So they just keep on keeping on!

What I would like...is to see a fucking leader...who gets into office, calls the heads of BIG OIL into the Oval Office and gives these assholes a little speech. Here is how my speech to these pricks would go:

"Hi guys. Nice to meet you. There will be no expensive lunch today. I won't be offering you cigars or fancy bourbon. And I won't be accepting any of your over-priced and under-used gifts either. Why? Because the days of buying influence on Capitol Hill ends today. The days of you and your shithead cronies holding the American economy hostage are over. I know what you buy your oil for. I know why you keep shutting down perfectly operational oil refineries. To manipulate the supply and demand ratios. Well...guess what? Those billions that you are making every quarter? You are going to start using that money to construct new strategically located refineries. You are going to bring the ones you closed up to EPA standards, and reopen them. I'm going to give the order to start drilling ASAP in the Arctic oil fields of Alaska. That pipeline? The Keystone one that has all the environmentalists up in arms? We are going to find a safe path for it...and it's going to get built! And doing the building will be American construction companies. I need to have trucks that can afford to transports goods and services in this nation. I need to have trains that can operate at a profit. I need to have airplanes flying at an acceptable rate, and without declaring bankruptcy every 5 years, and needing a government bailout. See, your greed has led to far too many economic hardships in this country and it's going to stop. And when you decide you are going to start exporting your oil that has been domestically tapped, to countries that are killing us in the trade markets? Like China for example? With the one simple purpose of continuing to keep your domestic supply levels low? I will slap you with a fine. Those tax breaks that we have been giving you? Those are going to end. As a matter of fact...I am going to introduce a sliding scale of pricing that you won't have the option of ignoring. Simply put...the barrel cost will be reflected in the price per gallon for fuel. And when it breaks from that scale, there will be a similar tax which will be enforced against you. The days of sucking our nation dry are over, boys! I hope you all have a pleasant trip back to your offices on your private jets. Perhaps on your next trip to Washington, I will have the privilege of having someone pick you up at the airport...after flying on one of our many commercial airlines!"

President Monkey

I want to talk about this ridiculous situation in Florida...the one where Trayvon Martin (young black kid) was gunned down by George Zimmerman (uh...white? Latino?) while walking back from a convenience store, where he went to retrieve Skittles and a can of Ice Tea. When this first happened, it seemed like the story centered on what a bunch of bungling fools their police department in Sanford was. All we heard for the first week was that there were racial 'issues' that went back for years in Sanford.

I know that when I first heard the story...I didn't see any photos, I just assumed with a name like George Zimmerman...that it was some ignorant redneck who got a little trigger happy and fired a shot at this kid, who, as the story went...was harmlessly walking back to his Mom's house. But then it got a little interesting. Turns out...this Zimmerman guy is actually half Latino, and half? What? Jewish? Who knows? But next thing you know...the whole community down there is blowing up, with hundreds of blacks in hooded sweatshirts protesting and demanding that Zimmerman be arrested immediately. Then last night, I see where the 'New' Black Panthers (not to be confused with the 'Old' Black Panthers) had put a $10,000 bounty on Zimmerman...demanding his 'capture' but insisting he be captured ALIVE. On top of that, they were suggesting that they were attempting to raise $1m from athletes and celebrities to help with this bounty. Wow. So they are collecting (or attempting to collect) a million dollars...so that they can pay out $10,000! That is some serious administrative overhead, eh?

So...basically, this group is advocating the committing of a felony. The kidnap of an individual who has yet to be charged with a crime. This is how you deal with a situation that you object to? Here is a question: If the kid who had been shot down holding the bag of Skittles had been white...what would the end result have been? Here is another question: If the kid were black, like he was...and he was gunned down by another man who was also black...would we be seeing all of the outrage? Would Al Sharpton be camping out on Mrs. Martin's front yard? Do people realize how many times a day a black man shoots another black man in Detroit? Or Oakland? Or just about 100 other places in this country...for similar reasons to this one (perhaps) and it doesn't even make the news!!??

The common sense side to me wants to know who is perpetuating this constant battle between the races? Is it the media? Is it just a deep-seated bitterness that exists between the two sides that will never, ever go away? Does each side just go looking for these 'episodes' to use to drive their cause? I was reading the message boards all weekend on Yahoo and Huffington Post, and I saw some utterly alarming comments. From the racists cutting on every element of the black existence, and calling for a race war...to blacks demanding the heads of any and all white person that ever commits a wrong against an African American. I just sat, reading all these comments, and wondering...how in the hell do you fix this problem?

And where in the world is Barack Obama in all this? I mean...you have a tinderbox down there in Sanford, Florida, threatening to blow up into a major race riot...and what does he say? Oh...he comments that 'if I had a son, he would look like Trayvon.' Gee, thanks Barack! That's exactly what we needed to hear in a moment of crisis. Way to diffuse the situation. Don't worry Barack...as long as your March Madness Bracket is going well for you...after all, you've been using tax payer dollars to fly around the country with England's David Cameron on Air Force One so you can watch a basketball game! Seriously? Nice President. And what's even worse? The idiots that are trying to end his run as president? The Republicans? They are an even bigger bunch of morons.

I don't know...as far as I can see...this country is SCREWED!!!! I'm going to bed. Count on an epic blog while driving/riding with Kai from Biloxi to Council Bluffs.

Monkey

NO I AM NOT DEAD!!!

2012-03-19T02:20:00.000-05:00

It's just that this is MARCH MADNESS time...and this Monkey is consumed with it! Absolutely CONSUMED with it. From my pools, to watching it...there is no time for blogging right now. Coupled with getting our floors/carpets replaced and doing copious amounts of spring cleaning for and with the wife...I've had nary a moment to even think about (okay maybe I've thought about it) poker this past week.

But starting tomorrow, when I begin my trial period with all of my Zija products to see if this is something I want to get behind and sell...I will get back on a regular track. I will step out and play some poker. I will work on my income taxes, finally. I will share funny photos and videos. Maybe.

Bought a pressure washer this week. Ever owned one of those? Oh..its amazing all the fun shit you can do with those. Turned a 'much-too-brand-new' looking Alabama into a well-worn looking awesome hat as a result of pressure washing our sun room. Up next: The fence, the driveway, and the cars.

My dogs? They are insane. It doesn't matter WHAT I eat. They want some. I mean anything. The list just grows. Blueberries. Cucumbers. Raw cauliflower. Popcorn. Carrots. Things you would NEVER imagine they would actually eat? They do.

I just went out to the mailbox. It's 2am. There are birds chirping. Huh? What kind of bird is up chirping at 2am? I find this extremely odd.

I finally got around to watching the movie '50/50' last night. Squirrel and I picked it up from RedBox. It was one of the best movies I've seen in the past year. If you haven't seen it...rent it.

I entered a grant total of 21 March Madness brackets this year. As of tonight...they are ALL officially DEAD in the water. Another year...more epic failure. I suck.

I am about to start a Baby Carley Pool...wherein people try to pinpoint the exact date and time for the birth of our daughter. Why? Duh...to win money. Details later.

Okay. That's it. Tired. Going to bed. Hope you enjoyed this blog post...maybe the worst blog post of all time!!

MONKEY

Okay...I Know, Long OverDue

2012-03-13T00:23:00.000-05:00

The only reason I'm doing a blog today is because I've gotten about 10 or 11 of you badgering me to do a post. Fine. And it's not that I DON'T have anything to talk about, I do. I'm just feeling really, really lazy, and tired and don't want to do anything lately.

I'm watching 'Game Changer' on HBO right now. About Sarah Palin and her campaign. Starring Ed Harris and Julianne Moore. Dead ringers both of them. Nice little look behind the scenes during the Presidential run, how McCain's advisers were trying to wise up Palin and make her more presentable to the press. Wow! If any of this is even remotely accurate, we came pretty close to being one heart attack away from having a total dipshit (with a massive ego) as our Commander-in-Chief.

They came to replace our floors today. At 8am. That would be like someone showing up to do you all of your floors at 3am. Once you wake up...its pretty hard to get back to sleep. Especially with the sounds of saws and hammers all throughout the house. So when they finished for the day...at noon (??) they had just about finished with the wood laminate, that they put in the living room only. The rest gets carpet. I get up to feed the dogs. And they both sat there...at the edge of the living room...and wouldn't move! Haaa! They were afraid of it. It's too slippery. But once the food hit their bowls...they couldn't resist. It was like watching someone tip toe through a minefield. Carpets come tomorrow...again, at 8am.

March Madness has arrived. My UW Huskies got fucked. Sure..that might just be my opinion. But we did win our damn conference. The Pac-12! No one that won the Pac-12 (or Pac-10) or any OTHER major conference, had failed to make the tournament since 1944. We barely lost to Duke (#2 seed) and Marquette (#3 seed) both on the road. Our non-conference losses came against nearly ALL tourney teams. S.Dakota State, St. Louis University, Duke and Marquette. In conference we only lost 4 times, twice vs. Cal and Colorado, both tourney teams. We have two players, the Freshman of the Year in the Pac-12, and a sophomore, who will both be likely 1st round draft picks in the NBA. I don't think there is a team we couldn't compete with. But instead, we get to go play in the NIT, as a #1 seed. I kind of hope we don't win that...because it will give Tony Wroten and Terrence Ross exposure that might convince them to leave for the NBA. So secretly, I am rooting for us to bust out of that in the first round. :)

My March Madness pool last year got over 525 entries or so. As I write this...a full two days before the deadline for this years...I'm already at 157 entries. Got a feeling we might break last year's record. I've been playing March Madness pools now for 17 years...and have never even finished in the money. Hopefully, this is my year! With Carley Grace on the way...the timing could NOT be better!

I missed out on West Palm Beach. I missed out on Chicago. And now that I have lined up a backer for Council Bluffs, Squirrel is pressuring me to stay home...fearing that even though the event would wrap up a full three weeks before our due date, that she could have her early...and I would be trapped too far away from home to attend her birth. And of course, I do NOT want to be away from home when my first (and probably only) child is born. What sucks is that Council Bluffs is one of the lowest attended events on the calendar. I have 30 pts right now with 4 cashes, towards the WSOP freeroll. Right now...someone with 77 pts has qualified. A single win counts for 50 points. And as it turns out...the Freeroll has seen a couple of really nice changes. First...not only do the 100 qualifiers get in...but another 100 players who earned their way in via WSOP cashes either at Rio or in Europe, have the option of buying in for $10,000.

The other cool thing they did was move the event from the first one on the schedule in May...to the very end. It will start the same day as the WSOP Main Event. The first two days...will get it down to 9. That way, the players can go play Day 1C of the Main Event...and on that 'rest day' that separates Day 1 and Day 2 for the WSOP, they will play the Final Table for that Freeroll...which will certainly be worth a LOT more than just $1m. I would imagine about 65-70% of those 100 eligible players will make the $10,000 investment, especially since most of those 100 have deep pockets in the first place.

So yeah...it's a shitty spot. Having a 100% backer at 50/50 for all those Iowa events is tough to say no to. To get myself into a position to win an amount of money that could keep me at home (and happy and unstressed) for at least a year...would be tremendous. Instead, I'm sitting at home, slowly running out of money...as Carley gets closer and closer to being here.

Of course there is the New Orleans event...which will be right after the baby is born. And with my mom, her mom, and all her friends around, and her off work for 12 weeks...I'm sure I will get to play some of those events. As long as I agree to drive home every night...which isn't a big deal. If you hadn't noticed, I really want to get into that freeroll.

Someone posted a message on here...not sure who, another 'Anonymous' signing...that suggested I might have a gambling addiction, and asked if I have considered giving up poker and getting a job. I read that and laughed my ass off. Why? Because any of you out there who know me...who don't just know of me what you read here or what you hear people talking about on the outside, know that I am anything but an addict. In fact, I'm the guy who has been ragging on players who I always see dumping all their winnings, or chasing all their losses, at the blackjack table, or craps pit, or slot machines. I completely avoid the pits. And if I do play, its usually blackjack, and no more than $10 a hand...and just a couple hundred dollar 'sessions' where I am usually just sitting and blowing off steam from a bad poker tourney.

Those close to me know how I have been slowly losing my passion for poker over the past year or two. Sitting there for 10-12 hours only to go out to some jackass who never should have even made it that deep, who puts A3 and A8 in the same category as KK and QQ. Plying away for hours upon hours...playing down to the top 15% of nearly every event...and finding yourself up only a couple buy ins at the end of the week....because you weren't able to crack the top three. Yeah, boy...that is VERY addicting. I don't know anyone out there who wouldn't buy in for $550...play from noon til 1am, and bust out with KK to a guy with J9, collecting your $825...yeah! A profit of $275, which just goes back into the next day's buy in of $350...leaving you up a whopping $75 if you should happen to bust that one out of the money. Yeah...wow, that's like CRACK!

Let's see. I barely drink, at the poker table and even less away from the table. I don't use drugs. And the ones I may have recreationally used in the past I don't use at all anymore. I don't bet on sports, aside from the occasional Super Bowl wager. So I laugh...yeah, chuckle, at someone's suggestion that I might have a gambling addiction. I can't WAIT to NEVER have to EVER play a hand of poker again...as long as I live. What would do that? A huge win. Or another opportunity in life that provides me with the kind of money that would make an appearance at a poker table more of a vacation than a day at the office. Yeah...you got it ALL wrong there sir (or ma'am). I have gotten to the point that I don't even LIKE poker anymore. I play because I happen to think (and maybe I'm delusional) that I am better than most at the game, and it affords me an opportunity to make a living and provide for my family.

There are a couple things on the horizon that I am thinking about. Two of them involve multi-level marketing products. One, our relatives in North Alabama are currently involved with, and doing great. It's called LIMU.(click here to learn more about LIMU) I've researched it. Sounds like a great product. Another is a product called Zija.(Click to learn more about Zija) It was introduced to me by a guy I met in poker a few years ago...and who lives in Kentucky I think. I researched that product as well. They both have the same basic set up. They both sound like great products. Both are kind of pricey. Both revolve around an exotic plant as their singular source. LIMU is derived from a rare form of seaweed. Zija comes from the Moringa tree. They both have been reviewed and endorsed by a guy named Darren Little, (click his name to see what I'm talking about) who kind of seems to be the MLM guy with some kind of vested angle.

Not really sure how to approach this marketing opportunity. I've never really been one to get into sales. Granted, my last job was as a liquor salesman in Pensacola...and I did pretty well. But it was more of an order taking job. I mean, how hard is selling alcohol?? I've always had an underlying insecurity when it comes to selling something, to anyone. Like, there have been times when I'm trying to get a table full of people to buy into a simple last longer (where everyone puts up $20 or more in what amounts to a side bet) where I felt like I was 'pushing something' on them they didn't want. Like they all thought I was raking a commission on it or something. Seeing those cold icy stares from the people who don't play poker on a regular basis...and knowing what was behind those eyes. "Who is this jerk, and what the f*** is he trying to swindle us out of??"

So...with that in mind, and my already insecure outlook on my ability to succeed in something like an MLM...its with hesitation and caution that I wander into this area. One thing that might help is having Squirrel as a 'teammate' on something like this. I know I probably have a sizable advantage over most that are thinking about getting into something like this. With a Facebook friend list of 1200+, with 1800+ people on my email distribution list for pools, and with an average of 6500 hits a month on this blog...I'm sure there is some kind of strategy I could be taught to take advantage of that. You hear all these success stories about people earning up to $15k a month, who started out with almost no connections outside of their immediate friends and family. That, of course...gets my attention.

So...what to do? Don't know. Almost feels like I'm deciding on a college. LIMU or ZIJA? Wonder if one of them is willing to buy me a car or even a house!!!?? (yes, I'm kidding) I'm thinking maybe the correct course of action is to acquire some of each product...use both for 30-45 days...then decide which one we most 'believe in' enough to get behind enthusiastically and start selling to friends, family and acquaintances. So that is most likely what I will do. After all, what's more annoying then trying to buy something from someone and come to find out they haven't even tried it?? I want to be at least kind of passionate about whatever it is I'm selling.

Moving on.

Epic Poker announced it was going bankrupt. The kind (Chapter 11) where they re-organize and try to get outside funding. Will they make it? Who knows. There was an equal amount of opinions that came out after the news was released. Some bashing them and acting happy about the news. Others expressing regret. To me...I can understand both sides' feelings. The one situation that bothered me the most was the case of Michael J DiVita. So last week, I reached out to the guy. And surprisingly, he answered me back within a day. He has the email address of ClassClownofPoker...which I found equally interesting. But I basically told him who I am, what I do, and what I write about. That I like, whenever possible (without imperiling myself) to take up for those who have been wrongly punished.

Well, if you didn't hear about this guy...he won an entry into one of EPIC poker league's $20k events, via a satellite of some sort. He got deep into that event, and suddenly...someone (not sure who) managed to unearth some 'dirt' on Michael, something from long ago in his past...and he was asked to leave. And wasn't offered a refund on his buy in. It was talked about a LOT. There were rumors about what it involved. And since I haven't called Michael back yet...which I will be sure to do, I won't discuss those rumors here. But this was his response to my email:

Hello Mr. Souther,

Actually, the EPIC Poker situation has been resolved for the most part. On February 07, 2012 I was paid the balance of $18,500.00 that I had claimed was owed to me by Federated Sports & Gaming and the EPIC Poker League. Unfortunately, it was necessary to get a third party involved, which led to a fourth party getting involved before the monetary issue was finally resolved.

Now, I understand that Federated (the parent company of EPIC) has filed for protection under Chapter 11 of the Bankruptcy Code. I really (sincerely) do feel bad about that. Although I don't necessarily agree with the way that they have handled business at times, I like Federated and EPIC, and I really wanted them to be successful in their business and in their television ventures. Besides being a player, I am a huge fan of Poker, and I enjoy every moment of my time, when I am playing at a table full of pros that I have come to respect and admire over the years.

When my phone rings and I get a call or an e-mail from a Poker pro, a celebrity, or a professional athlete that I had met at a Charity Poker Tournament, I'm get nervous just like a kid who gets to meet his heroes. When people like Mike Sexton, Phil Helmuth, Linda Johnson, Annie Duke, Dutch Boyd, and "The Grinder" know you by name, it's a real honor when they see you, and they greet you like you're an old friend.

Anyway, as for giving you my side of the story, I have no problem with that. I have nothing to hide at all, and I'm pretty open about my past, as well as being pretty optimistic about my future, both on and off the felt. With that in mind, please feel free to call or text me at any time. My cell/text number is listed below.

Until then, I'll be waiting for you at the Final Table....

Michael J. DiVita

Now...if that sounds like a guy who is bitter and hostile, as most would be if they endured what he went through...then I must be missing something. I was told by others who were there, that when he was asked to leave the tourney he never created a scene or caused a commotion of any sort. Seems like a pretty straight shooter to me. (sorry, every time I write that expression now I can't help but think of the boys out in the desert in 'The Hangover' talking about the guy they scored the ecstasy from!) I think if I ever found myself in that spot, I would have went ballistic. Well, I'm assuming a good lot of you would like to hear his side of the story on the allegations that led to his getting DQ'd and banned from Epic. So I will get after it.

As for the Epic League itself? I think the chance to play in a tourney where corporate money has gone to fund the prize pool is a wet dream. The chance to sit at a table with players who all know each other, who respect each others game...who bring out the best in each others game...that is something I would love to have been a part of. What bothers me, is some of their exclusionary policies. And the people who were in charge of those decisions. Granted...their board consists of some of pokers most respected players. But it also consists of some of pokers more questionable ones as well. Some of the rules they had seemed insane. Dress codes. Code of conduct. I mean...they were beyond some of America's finest country clubs. And we are talking about....ahem, poker. I don't know...I suppose you could make an argument for both sides if you wanted to bad enough. Let's just say I don't lean too far in either direction of the subject. But bankruptcy is never a good thing, or funny...no matter how much you might dislike someone or something.

I think one of the greatest inventions of our time is the garbage bag that is scented. I think this started a couple years ago...and every time I take out the garbage, it's never an unpleasant experience.

I'm now watching 'Your Highness.' Danny 'Kenny Powers' McBride in a movie where they are talking like they talk in Robin Hood...but with him incorporating the F-bomb into every other sentence like he typically does no matter what the movie is...dude is just hilarious. And oh yeah...there is Natalie Portman (monkey crush for over 10 years now) nearly naked. Ship!

Okay. I'm tired. Wanted to write about my previous cash session at IP. It had a few notorious moments. I will hit that in my next entry. Also wanted to talk about Lock Poker...which is also Felt Stars, they share the same network. They have a thing going on right now called Poker Maximus...which is a 2-week series of events. I cashed the first one, min cash, then lost the next two. The beats are brutal. Getting money on there even harder. Not impressed. Nor do I feel very protected on their site. Can't wait until they get poker fully legalized and legislated throughout the country. I have to assume that when that happens it will be very safe, secure and legitimate.

Good night.

MONKEY

Cash Monkey Has Arrived....

2012-03-05T00:18:00.002-06:00

This could be a fun blog post. Or it could fizzle. Depends on how much I am able to remember that I wanted to share with y'all. But first, Squirrel is chirping at me to go play with my 'sad' dogs who have been waiting all day for me to get out of bed. Be right back. ** sigh **

Yeah, so I played with the dogs...snuck a piece of roast out of the slow roaster, then laid down and fell asleep again. My sleeping is out of control. Seriously think I am part grizzly bear. Well, I did spend 8 years of my childhood living in Northwest Montana.

So there is a NASCAR race on...and while I was sleeping I was having dreams that I was racing. My car wasn't in the best of shape, but I was pushing it harder than a political prisoner in Cold War Russia...and as a result was making up a lot of spots. Then, for some damn reason, I decided to take left side tires with only 20 laps to go, and got sidetracked trying to help Tony Stewart get re-started...eventually having to replace his battery...and completely forgot that I had moved up from 32nd to 11th. A.D.H.D at its worst.

My friend Weronika 'Wonky' Starr thinks I need to start my own YouTube channel and start posting crazy, stupid shit to it on a regular basis...seems to think I would attract a ton of followers, which would lead to me being able to make money off of advertisers. Hmmm. Maybe.

Want to see a couple of interesting videos I shot while in Vegas? No? Too bad. Here it goes:

....and then, moments later...his night came crashing to a screeching halt. Ouch!

By the way...does anyone have ANY idea why when I shoot a movie on my iPhone with the phone at 12 and 6 (those are clock references, don't be confused, kind of like how you might hold your hands on the steering wheel while driving) it comes out sideways when I play it back? And for that matter, how in the hell do I rotate it so you don't have to watch it while tilting your head sideways? These ARE important questions, dammit.

[ Well now that they finally posted, it looks like the YouTube editor automatically flips them back around. Nice. ]

Oh...and though I already posted this amazing video last month...due to popular demand...it is back. You're welcome!

I received some awesome news Friday. Fresh off a profitable cash session Thursday night, and a 12-hour period of fasting...I served up my arm to the needle at my doctor's office to see just how this new cholesterol medication is working on my sky-high levels of death coursing through my veins. The combination of Zetia and Luvalo appear to be the great miracle workers! I'm sure my diet the past two months hasn't hurt too much either. The 13 pounds I've lost have got me wearing my 'old' jeans...same jeans (brand wise) just going back to the 38's now, since the 40's are falling off of me. Here is a snap shot of the before/after lab results...my doctor almost fell off his stool when he looked at it.

Not sure if you can make this out...but the Sept 2011 numbers on the left, compared with the Mar 2012 numbers on the right are simply staggering. That number on the bottom is what my Doctor called my 'heart-attack risk number' and it went from 8.7 (aka Walkin-Talkin Heart Attack) to 4.0 (aka Below Average). My triglycerides he said were 'like glue' last fall...and were reduced by 65%. My cholesterol hasn't been this low since I was in my early 20's. I left his office like I was walking on a cloud! I immediately went home, scanned the results, and sent an email to the guy who wrote my life insurance policy...and got myself into a much, much better policy! I was feeling so good, I went ahead and paid my homeowners insurance and my property taxes for the year.

My cash game career started on Thursday night at the I.P. Biloxi. I played from 9:15pm to 3:20am. Bought in for $300, cashed out for $1020. A successful Day 1. After a 90-minute cardio workout, I convinced Squirrel to let me return last night for my 2nd session, even though it was her night off. I played from 9:37pm till 5:40am...buying in for $300 in 1/2 NL Hold em...cashing out at 2:30am with $600 and taking it to a 1/2 PLO table that they had been trying to get going all night. I took three pretty brutal beats, and before I know it was having to rebuy. Out came $400. Hovered around $300-$350 for over an hour...then had one of those hours where I never missed anything. I got it up to $850...then was tired, and taking calls from Squirrel, asking why I was still out? Good time to cash out. Profit $92. Gross. However, given that I was stuck over $500 at one point...I'm calling it a victory.

I've determined that sitting at a cash table sober...and committing myself to just playing A-B-C poker, is a wonderful way to make a living. The mistakes that bad players make, and the obvious bluffs they try to pull...make it a feeding frenzy for a player with even a 'decent' skill level. Yeah, sure there are the occasional bad beat suck outs to the idiot who just won't ever fold his bottom pair...hitting trips on the river, or some other goofy river card to make your hand melt like a Popsicle on an Arizona sidewalk. So, you just factor those in, and try to minimize the liability on each hand when you are facing one of those mutants.

I was having an almost decent conversation with this guy at my table about how to play when playing pretty much ANY WHERE in Florida. This guy, who had serenaded me with "Really dude? Oh my God, you ARE the worst player ever..." after I called his raise (from the button) with KKQ2 (when I probably should have re-raised him heads up, but didn't only because he'd shown down some pretty damn good hands) then on a 7-7-2 flop called his bet, turned like a Jack I think...called another small bet...then rivered a KING...where I went ahead and led for about 65...getting a call from him, with him holding A-K-7-10. Ouch. I mock pouted and told him he had really hurt my feelings. We was a pretty nice guy, and was just frustrated I guess.

Anyway, I was talking to him about how to play against these barely human beings...and the one thing I stressed, and some of you might either agree or disagree with me here...was to be very conscious about pot control. It seems like you see more mistakes made by players, where they either overbet hands where they should be value betting...or invest way too much in the hand on the flop and/or turn...making their ability to fold on the river nearly impossible. Or putting so much in on those two streets that the donkey who is sitting there with a gutshot, or a bad flush draw...can't find a good reason to fold heading to the river, since they are usually looking at a pot that is 5 times their existing stack...and you get a lot of those "Oh well, I guess I will just rebuy" jagoffs, who hit their magic card on the river, and leave you pulling your hair out. Been there, right?

Well...so my suggestion is to keep the pot relatively small, and manageable...even if you are nearly positive you have the best hand...because as long as you are up against an opponent that doesn't like to fold, who LOVES to see all five cards...why do you want to paint yourself into a corner heading to the river? I would prefer to be building a pot...getting him to keep contributing, but giving yourself some leverage heading to the river.

Example 1: Before the hand...you have $500 in your stack. Donkey-fuck has $415.

You have AhQh and raise to $15 (in a 1/2 game) behind three limpers. D.F. calls your $15 with A8off. One other calls. (pot now $52) Flop comes A-2-9. D.F. checks to you. You lead for $50. The other caller folds. D.F. calls. Now $152 in the pot. The turn is a 7 of hearts...now giving you top pair with a nut flush draw. D.F. bets out now....$75. (pot 227) You decide to raise his stupid ass. You look at his stack. He now has $275 in his stack. You raise it to $180. Dipshit flats you. The pot is now $512. Idiot has $170 remaining in his stack. The river is an 8 of spades. D.F. retard shoves all in. There is $682 in the pot and you have to call $170 with what may be the best hand. You feel stupid calling. But you do. And you lose. And want to kill the guy. But really, the person you might want to get mad at, is yourself.

Example 2. Same scenario. Equal chip counts. Same hole cards. Same raise preflop. But this time...on the flop, I bet $25. Same call by the same D.F. Pot now though is only $102 instead of $152. The same turn card gives your a flush draw. He again bets out $75. Two options now, instead of really just one followed by a 'priced in' call on the river. Either flat the guy, and hope to river a flush or even a queen and get deep into the guy's stack...or, and this is sometime a riskier gamble against a shitty player, moving all in. The difference is that now he has to call a LOT bigger bet...and his A8 suddenly is looking pretty weak, now that he has to put $300 more into the pot. A lot of times, you will get this moron to fold, and win a decent pot. Sure, you didn't get the rest (yet) but you also didn't have to watch the non-heart 8 hit the river and fuck your night up...up at least temporarily.

Pot Control. It's a very mismanaged part of the game, both in cash game, and in tournament play. No where do you see it more than in Pot Limit Omaha. To the extent that it's comical at times. You get these jacktards who just love saying the word 'POT!!!!' I would say that 87.5% of those jokers don't even KNOW what the pot bet amount is. They just scream POT and wait for the dealer to give them a number. Instead of just looking at the pot...estimating it to be about $85...realizing you have a made low, and a nut draw to the high...and four players in the hand, it dawns on you that you probably don't want ALL of them leaving this hand just yet. So why in the HELL you would scream 'POT' there is beyond me, other than you have shouting 'pot' ingrained into your soul...and simply can't resist.

No, no...why not just pick a relatively manageable number, say...$40...and going with that? Because it makes too much sense? Whatever. The lack of players who understand and are able to exercise pot control kind of drives me batty.

You know what else makes me climb the walls? If you do NOT understand the concept of 'position' as it correlates to your ability to play vs. an opponent? Then don't use it. Why? Because you are only exposing yourself as a ridiculously poor player without a clue. The tossing around of the word, or phrase "I was out of position" or "I had position" on you is the 2010's version of the 2000's "I had pot odds." No...idiot, you didn't. To both. I implore you...as players who want people to think you know what you are talking about...to guys who THINK you are good, but not great, and want to enhance your table image by throwing around big poker words and phrases....do this: Go buy yourself a good book, written by a well known poker professional, like, say...Daniel Negreanu. He will explain to you what 'position' actually is.

To those of you who still think 3-betting means you are raising 3 times the amount of the big blind? You can also buy that book.

To those who are sitting on 8 big blinds (in a tournament) and are in the SB holding 2-6 off suit and call the raise from cutoff (with no other action behind) and call because you 'think' you are getting 'the right price' to call? No...doofus, you aren't. You are just stupid...and stupid has no remedy. You're just stupid. Buy a book.

My favorite guy is this one. The blinds are 200/400. He has 5500 in his stack. He is sitting in middle position. Under the Gun raises to 1200 (he happens to have 10-10). He gets re-raised by a guy two seats over...to 2800...and is holding KK. He also has a pretty tight table image. Hmmm...seems like a pretty good place, with 5500 chips, and holding J9h...to pull the squeeze shove, right? I'm almost positive that guy who made it 2800 will insta-fold for another 2700, right? Dude...that guy isn't folding if he was only given ONE CARD by the dealer! But lets make that move anyway. You know the rest of that story. He either leaves and gets laughed at by the whole table...or pulls off some miracle suckout...and proceeds to sit there jabbering about his awesome play for the next 15 minutes, with the guy holding KK wanting to pour lighter fluid on his whole body and flicking matches at him.

"I mean, what was I gonna do? I was down to 12 BB's...I had to make a move. J9 was the best hand I had seen in 4 orbits!" (yeah yeah we get it...never mind all those early position raises and re-raises that occurred before you looked down upon that monster J9) In a word...I H-A-T-E these people. Vigorously. It has been responsible for a semblance of the love and respect I have lost for poker...and driven me closer and closer to the brink of insanity.

Know what else I hate? That I am watching the late game on ESPN...the late NBA game...not WNBA...but NBA...a game played by men. Adult men. And here we are...being treated, once again to a female dykey-sounding color commentator. Why? They started this trend with the early Big Ten game in football every Saturday. Now its festered, moving into the NBA. And yesterday, I got to listen to a broad doing the race coverage for the Nationwide event. Why? Because Danica 'can't find the finish line with a road map' Patrick is now racing (floundering/crashing/whining about it) in NASCAR? I swear to God...if ESPN even tries this shit with baseball...I'm driving to Bristol and fire-bombing their offices. (Dear FBI: that is a joke. Please don't send the bomb squad to my house like you did three years ago when I told that asshole collection agent from Chase that I was going to find him and firebomb him in his cubicle)

Along those same lines...and with my attempt to give equal credit to the male side, if I have one thing to look forward to, its the NCAA Postseason, when Dick Vitale disappears. He is literally the main reason I rarely watch regular season NCAA games. I listen to him do a game and I can practically envision the IQ points melting away from my brain. I'm not ever going to wish someone dead (well....) but I will say that I am really, really looking forward to watching college basketball in about 15-20 years. The guy drives me fucking nuts.

The Leg-Shot heard 'round the world

So, I'm watching the Oscars last Sunday...and immediately notice Angelina Jolie stick her leg out like a retard, in an obviously staged pose. I post to my Facebook "Yes Angelina, we see your leg!" Hell, here I was thinking maybe I was the only one who caught it...I have a tendency to catch those little moments when others don't. Well....this was NOT one of those times I guess. Bitch's leg now has something like 32,000 followers on its (yeah, the LEG now has it's own Twitter account) account. Only in America.

I used to giggle at those movies where they had a good-looking actress...and they would try to make her look pregnant by strapping on one of those baby-bump accessories. "Ah come on...it's so obvious she isn't pregnant. How stupid." Well...guess what? That is exactly what Squirrel looks like. Like her regular self...but that she strapped on one of those things. Whoa...as I wrote that a Prego (spaghetti sauce) commercial just came on my TV. Spooky.

I have a couple of political rants that I want to go off on a tangent about. One is the mess in Syria. One is the inability of our idiot leaders to grant rights to drill for oil in A.N.W.R. (north Alaska) when we are staring at near-$4.00 a gallon prices. Another is regarding the controversy started by Rush Lindbaugh calling a girl a slut over the contraception issue. The death of Andrew Breitbart...who 'supposedly' had a heart attack and died this week, alone...while out walking? Just days before he was about to release a scandalous and politically damaging videotape of Barack Obama. But I'm not going to. Not to any of them. Why? I don't know. Too much to say, not enough space on this blog.

A photo from one of her many Dancing With The Stars appearances

Julianne Hough on a jet-skiing expedition. Nice!

George Clooney gets to watch that climb the stairs every night. **sigh**

From back her in WWF days. Wow!

Watching ET right now. Featuring the TOP FIVE legs in show business. I agree with 4 of the 5. #5 Julianne Hough. For sure. #3 Cameron Diaz. I guess, maybe. #2 Stacey Kiebler. My former crush...now girlfriend of George Clooney. (who HASN'T he hit in Hollywood!??) and #1 Charlize Theron. Yummy.

Getting up there in years, but always a stunner!!!

Never been a big fan of Cameron's face...but you can't deny those legs are the goods!

But #4? Beyonce. Yeah. Sorry...she is pretty sexy...and her videos are delightful at times...but 4th best set of legs? No way. Maybe that was just E.T. being politically correct by getting a black girl on their list.

Come on! And that isn't just a 'bad' picture. Those things are MEATY!

A few I think they missed the boat on....

The Amazing Heidi Klum...now single!

And another 40-year old that continues to look great!

Jennifer Aniston has always had great legs...and still does.

BUT!!!! I still think these are the best legs in the world....

I typically find that most Top Ten/ Twenty / Hundred lists are a joke. It's almost like there is lobbying and paying off going on to get their client on that list so their career is helped along by it. Not only that...but when you spend a decent amount of time in Vegas like I do...watching smoking...I mean SMOKING hot women parade by all day and night, and then open a magazine that calls Sarah Jessica Parker one of the most SEXY or BEAUTIFUL in the world, I can't stop laughing and rolling on the floor.

Props to my Washington Huskies...who just backed into the Pac-12 inaugural regular season championship. After losing yesterday to UCLA...when a win would have locked it up...they had to wait for Cal to lose to Stanford today in an upset to give us the outright title. Next up...Pac-12 league tournament. I know the Pac-12 is weak this year...you don't have to tell me, and I'm sure we will lose in the first round or two...but it's still nice to win the conference and have a shot in the Big Dance, at least. Lorenzo Romar is building a hell of a program up north. Lacking ingredient: A dominating inside presence.

Last year we got walloped by tornadoes in the south on April 26-27th. This year...we got spanked again...nearly two months earlier. 50 people died this week as tornadoes ravaged the midwest. Very depressing news. Looking at the news coverage and seeing all the homes that got destroyed, it just breaks your heart. Squirrel is all paranoid about this storm season...has a bad feeling about a hurricane or two bombing us. I tried to get renters insurance for our home in Biloxi...and couldn't get one company that would offer us coverage. Tried five different insurance companies online. None of them would cover anyone south of I-10.

Want to feel old? The kid from 'Married With Children' Bud Bundy? He just turned 38 years old. Whoa.

Okay. That's it. I'm done for today. More later.

Monkey

Bye Bye February, Hello March!!

2012-02-29T15:43:00.000-06:00

So...yeah, 29 days, shortest day of the year. Happy Hump Day. Peace out, February. Thanks for another birthday. That's 45 now. Thanks for the unrest in Syria, and the uncertainty in Iran that has run oil back up to $105 a barrel, increasing the chances that they will finally get after the oil under our 600 acres in North Dakota...preferably before I go totally broke!

Poker this month was another kick in the nuts. Despite cashing quite a few times, and playing deep in nearly everything I bought into, I finished with a deficit overall. Tough game. Just spent all weekend sending out payments to all my pool winners from the fall and winter. Kind of left me with an idea of where I 'actually' am monetarily. Somewhat scary. But at least I made a lot of 'other people' happy, as they will go to their mailbox this week and find a juicy stimulus check from the Pool Monkey. Next up...my March Madness Pool...which attracted over 525 entries last year. I might need to finally win the damn thing this year (for the first time ever) to get myself some breathing room for Carley's arrival.

It's amazing what a difference it would have made to have just faded another 15 players at the Venetian Main Event. To come home with that $6400 would have really made a difference. Now I really have to be smart, economical, and come up with a good strategy for the next couple of months. There are really only two tourneys that I am eying right now as possibilities to play before Carley gets here. The first is the 'Battle at the Beach' at Isle Casino in Pompano. It's a nice casino. I do hate their chairs though. Their those kind that sort of pitch you forward...where you feel like you're falling OUT of your seat. Know the type? And the tourney runs for about two weeks. So I am kind of looking for a place to stay down there if I go. Or one or two guys to room with at an Extended Stay hotel of some sort. Also want to call down and find out if they are going to be running single table satellites with any regularity. I know the play down there is wide open, loose and crazy...but they give chips away frequently. So my strategy down there would probably be to not get caught up in that maniacal style of play, and sit and play sniper poker. Or as Wonky would put it...ZOMBIE KILLING poker.


Picked this up the other day at Barnes & Noble...will it work at the poker table???

Unfortunately, I didn't get a chance to return to Chicago for that event, and as usual they had a great turnout. But that leads me to believe that the other event I am contemplating will draw almost as well, since it isn't too far away. I have never been to Council Bluffs, Iowa...and have heard a LOT of stories about the place, some good, some not so great. That event is near the end of March. It would get me home a full 3 or 4 weeks before Carley shows up. I know that nothing will allow me to leave this place the entire month of April. Not that I would want to be gone...just saying.

As most of you know, I lost my backer in November...and was pretty much wanting to play on my own dime throughout this past trip, as I was willing to run the risk of taking a big hit to my personal bankroll for the chance to play for 100%. As most things have gone for me the past couple of years, it more or less backfired on me. But not much you can do about running bad (or cold as ice) at crunch time in the tourney. It just happens...it sucks, but that's poker (as they say).

Another issue I have...do I fly to these places? Or drive? Drive? Damn! You seen the price of gas lately??? Of course you have! And though my car is in great condition...I was driving Squirrel to her baby shower the other day, and look down at my odometer and watched this transpire!

Yeah. 100,000 miles. Boom! I mean...I've been driving my 4Runner for 7.5 years now, and I guess that isn't an alarming number of miles. Hell, most of those miles have come from driving to Vegas and back...what? 5 or 6 times? At 3800 miles a pop. That's about 25% of the total miles on it. So I guess its good if they are 'highway miles' right? Got a notice from Liberty Mutual, who after 8 years together, was jacking my rate for me and Squirrel's car insurance from $2200 a year to $3400. Huh? Yeah...so, I am now a cliche. I just saved a bunch of money by switching to Geico. Like...about $700.

So...regarding these two tourneys. I have decided that I am willing to play them staked. I'm not even going to be greedy about it. Why would I? But if anyone out there is interested, they will have the option of either sending me a lump sum...and I use it for satellites and tourneys...trying to 'play in' to as many events as possible, or just adding up the buy ins of which events they want to pay for, and sending me that amount. As for percentage...contact me, we will work out something fair. I will not, absolutely won't...do any kind of a staking deal that includes 'makeup.' So know that before you call or message me. I always provide detailed Excel spreadsheets of all my action and tourney receipts for backers if they need it for their taxes or just as proof that I played. Pretty standard stuff.

Something pretty interesting is going on in the poker world right now. A lot of you have heard about it. I have even been contacted by the person that it happened to. One day, while playing in a tourney at Caesar's in Vegas, I got a call from a long time friend, who explained the situation, then brought in the person on a three-way phone call. It was hard at times to understand the guy. Pretty sure he had been through a horrendous 24-36 hours...and might have been under some kind of medication. Understandable. But I got the basic gist of the mess he was in. Of course, it's always tough to make up your mind about something when you hear just one side of it.

So then an article appeared in Poker News. Some of you may have read it. Others might not have. To read the article...CLICK HERE. It has to do with a younger guy named Drew McIlvain, who was accused of being part of a chip dump in the Main Event in Tunica, getting DQ'd by Bill Bruce and staff, and subsequently 86'd from Harrah's Tunica...and possibly all the other properties. He was obviously shaken up by it. I listened. Which is about all I could do. Obviously I could sympathize...having had my fair share of 'issues' with the Harrah's people in the past. But those issues (as far as I'm concerned) are far far in the past. It's not like I was the best person to go to for assistance. And I wasn't really sure what he wanted me to tell him. Who to talk to? Who to call? Shit...tough one. Sounds like what happened was he made a lot of calls, got totally ignored...which I certainly remember experiencing myself...until finally, someone got him in touch with a writer from the Poker News.

As a former journalism student, its pretty basic 101-type wisdom to know that if you are going to do a story that deals with a lot of possible heresy, its always the required move to get BOTH sides of the story. And to Rich Ryan's credit, that is precisely what he did. He interviewed McIlvain, and then went and talked to Seth Palansky from Caesar's Entertainment...who is their VP of Corporate Communications. I can tell you who came off sounding a lot better and who came off sounding, well, for a lack of a better word; non-credible.

I saw the picture of him (posted above) from his win there earlier in the event. Surrounded by his posse. I've seen these guys. The cocky posse. All dress the same, talk the same, act the same. They are easy to dislike. And from reading his interview, I was kind of taken aback. His use of racial expressions were the type that make most people cringe. He insisted they were innocent, that because he has black friends, he is 'allowed' to use them. I'll tell you...I am pretty good friends with Dwyte Pilgrim, Maurice Hawkins, Paris (last name I forget), David Aker, and a handful of other black poker players...that I'm almost positive if they heard me firing the 'N' word at them would bitch-slap my ass. It's just...in a word, INAPPROPRIATE. So, knowing he was of the ilk to use this type of verbiage, and use it in an interview that might go great lengths in exonerating him...I found his judgement to be incredibly questionable.

But...I hadn't really made up my mind about who I believed. Or what I believed. I tried to put myself in his shoes. How would I have reacted to a guy telling me he just wanted to get out of town...and had decided I was going to be the lucky recipient of his chips. Honestly, knowing what I know about the game? I would think someone was trying to set me up...and would just respond to him with something like "I appreciate you wanting to give me all your chips, but I'm not going to be part of something that is against the rules in an intentional fashion...if things work out where I raise you with a good hand, and you end up shoving on me..and I have to call, and my hand holds up...well, great. But I'm not going to be a part of anything outside the lines, sorry."

I'm pretty sure that is all he needed to say. Did he need to take it to a floor person? Mmmmm...tough question. Not even sure how a floor person would respond. As far as Bill Bruce goes? I have had my moments with Bill. He has made a couple of rulings against me that I thought were utterly absurd. One of them even led to me taking him off of my Facebook friends list. A lot of other players have told me they think he is a bit of a Rules Nazi, and goes looking for things to crack down on. Well, in his defense, personal experiences in the past aside, I think Bill does have the best interests of the game at heart when he goes to make a floor call at the table. I have to think he is just really passionate about poker, and the tourneys he is involved with...and goes the full 100% to make sure they run right.

And to do something like he did up in Tunica, I don't think he could have pulled that trigger without some pretty good evidence backing him...because that is a big deal! Booting a player from a $1600 Main Event? That he has bought into? That he was top 10 in chips in? That's a big deal. Bill isn't stupid enough to DQ a guy if there was a 'maybe he's guilty, maybe he's not' opinion from everyone involved. No, there had to be something pretty concrete backing up that decision.

So this weekend, I get a call from a good poker friend of mine, who will of course remain anonymous. He was there. At the guy's table. He told me exactly how it went down. There wasn't one conversation with the guy...or two...but three! And they didn't step away from the tourney area. They were only a few feet away from the table. And it got to the point that a couple of the other players knew what was being discussed, and that....that right there, is what resulted in the floor guy being tipped off about it. Because they were so stupid about it. I mean...if you ARE going to orchestrate a chip dump, are you going to sit there and chirp about it in front of your table mates? I would hope not. When I heard that...and this guy doesn't make shit up, I just decided this guy has some growing up to do. And smartening up to do. I kind of have a feeling that coming off a win, he was feeling like one of those young guys who wins, and struts around like he is the shit, unbeatable, untouchable. That nothing would come of him talking about this type of stuff at near the table.

I guess he found out that there is no one bigger than the rules. And I hate to say it...but when you are sitting there with the biggest stack at your table, and other envious players overhear you talking about absorbing some guys stack at your table...there is the tendency to react in a not-so-nice way. And I think it's safe to say...this is what happened.

Did the punishment fit the crime? Hell I don't know. Like everything, I would have had to sit and talk with the guy...and using my gut feeling, and my own judgement, made the call right there. Since I didn't have the opportunity to do that, I have to assume that the people who made that call, did it with that information. So I can't really question them. Will this guy get himself out of this mess? Good question. He sure didn't help his cause much with that article/interview. Holy shit. Is he a good kid? I don't really know. We didn't talk long on the phone. And I wouldn't really base my opinion of someone (good OR bad) on a 10-minute phone conversation...not how I do business. I prefer to think the best of people until they give me a reason not to. And yeah...I'm quick to find things not to like about people...but at least I try first to like someone. Some people don't even do THAT.

Okay...I think I've said about all I have to say on that topic. Whether my opinion matters or not, a bunch of you were waiting to hear me talk about it...so there ya go. And I think this post has been plenty long...so I will wrap it up!

Monkey