Savvy marketers at the company have already flooded the political and journalistic elite with samples of the frosty new seat cooling gadget. The Thrill is a seat cooling chair pad that sporadically sends freezing pulses of air out of the sides and seat area of the product.

There is skepticism that the product has mass market appeal but the company is banking on wide sales among the news corp. offices. NBC has already submitted a preview order for enough units of The Thrill to accommodate their entire NY and LA offices from top executive employees all the way down to reception room lounge chairs.

Unconfirmed is the report that Chris Matthews will be the spokesman for the new product. Perhaps he might decline the offer as he already has that chillin’ feeling.

Whatever the outcome of the GOP Primary, though, the White House is already stepping up its game. Jay Carney has gotten short orders from the new Chief of Staff, and his new do says a lot about who he thinks Obama’s main competition is going to be this fall. Our guess is, all parties involved better bone up on their debate skills. After all, Solyndra’s latest exploit isn’t going to distract the media for very long, and Newt’s super pacs are busy busy busy…

Stay tuned – Its going to be an eventful year!

GOP presidential contenders and a coterie of non-Newt supporting politicians and journalists all received bunches of pansies expressly delivered to their offices. The floral arrangements carried the same message, taunting the recipient for not having the cojones, experience or brain power to effectively take on President Obama and suggesting that they stand back and let the best man win. The message went on to compare the recipients to the pansies, saying that the bouquet at least had some attractive qualities.

Newt was the only GOP presidential hopeful to not receive the unsportsmanlike posies. His campaign brushed the glaringly obvious facts aside, stating simply that the office had been unmanned the day of the deliveries and so any attempted delivery could not have been completed. A top aide added, “We have no control over what the Super Pacs do. We can only say to them, publicly, as we did in code at the debates, ‘Operation Horses Head Is A Go.’ And by ‘horses head,’ we mean flowers, obviously.”

The Federal Government has granted the troubled firm a military contract to produce lightweight compact portable toilets with a solar powered flush. The innovative toilet product is called Flushin’ Solar and was part of a solar powered lifestyle product range that Solyndra was working on at the time of its demise.

The no bid $800,000,000 contract was awarded today as part of a hush-hush rush-rush program to produce portable compact toilets for our troops overseas.

The toilets will be compact and convertible, easily transforming from a toilet into a desk chair. They are seen as a sensible yet innovative way to make the troops comfortable while discussing maneuvers and when in need of a nearby loo.

The Flushin’ Solar  project was quickly brought back to life in what insiders say is a knee jerk reaction to the recent piss-gate revelations about untoward troop urination overseas.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L1P0WBlVAIA]

Intent on capitalizing on the upcoming blockbuster election year, DreamWorks Studios is planning an October release of a modern day version West Side Story. The film would play upon the original storyline but add a political twist.

Set against a modern day Washington D.C. backdrop the storyline will focus on the relationships between the two gangs, subtly renamed the Donkeys and Elephants. The film is being pegged as an action thriller which alludes to the many fight scenes throughout the script.

While the role of Maria, sister to the leader of the Donkeys, was quickly filled by the effervescent Janeane Garofalo, the role of Tony has been hard to fill. The plum role of the Elephant gang leader has been offered to a growing number of Hollywood stars but none have of yet accepted the offer or even returned the call.

In addition to the challenge of filling the role of Tony, the casting calls for his gang members have also been largely unsuccessful. Carrot Top is reported to have auditioned but been declined a roll due to his lacking a tough persona. Producers are now considering doubling the wage for Elephant gang members or relying entirely on computer graphics in order to fill the much needed roles in the film.

Calling the election season Silly Season has never seemed so appropriate.

So anxious over the upcoming election is Obama’s new chief of staff  Jack Lew that he has now ordered Press Secretary Jay Carney and all aides to wear only tighty whities instead of boxers. Word is that a staff memo was sent stating that the team needs to be focused on positive press briefings and to not appear combative at any time. The importance of a positive image is crucial to the administration in their re-election strategy. The staff memo states that a person is what they wear and image is everything. Starting the day off by putting on boxers creates a subconsciously combative mood. Briefs on the other hand can help one start the day off ready to handle sensitive information in a positive and professional manner.

In an effort to enforce this new protocol and add to the number of jobs created several new Department of Homeland Security officers have been hired to oversee an office entrance checkpoint. All aides along with Mr. Carney will be required to go through a security check upon arriving at work to ensure that the new policy is being followed.

Thus, we feel it is time to dispense with the debates, the caucuses, the media three-ring circuses…and get straight to the heart of the matter:
We submit that the best way to choose our next Commander-in-Chief might be to examine just how well he or she might wear the most awesome of lip sweaters: the handlebar moustache.
It is our pleasure, therefore, to introduce the owner of the most impressive handlebar in the Americas,  winner of the Las Vegas Mustachio Bashio contest, Eric Tischler, as our guest judge for the Official PolitiCrush 2012 Handlebar Primary. Without further ado, we give you the 2012 contenders and Mr. Tischler’s sage judgement, below:

“After long and careful deliberation, here is my judgement on each entry:

Bachmann: I vote her most irrelevant in a moustache.

Ron Paul: Looks most honest in a moustache. And oldest.

Hillary Clinton: I have no words for this.

Romney: Most dishonest, but not sure as I keep flip-flopping on this one.

Obama: Most lawyerly.

Newt: Most dog-like.

Rick Perry: Most villainous.

Santorum: Most amateur-villainous.

In my judgement, First Place for most handsome candidate in a handlebar moustache goes to suave, tanned Mr Salt-n-Pepper Huntsman.”

Congratulations, Mr. Huntsman! While you may still be searching for your base, you can now stop searching for your style. Clearly, it is time for you to rock the handlebar and grab that nomination. See you at the Republican National Convention!

Many thanks to Eric Tischler for providing his expert opinion on this matter – the PolitiCrush (and indeed, the nation) owe you a debt of gratitude.

Eric Tischler