Reenie's Scribbles

Wander Wonder...

2012-05-22T22:50:00.000+10:00

This is my last month at work before the 7-month parental leave… I am training the girl who is taking over from me while I’m gone, working on the handover document that seems to get longer by the minute, tying the loose-ends, getting the house ready for the baby, a thousand and one doctor's appointments, a thousand and two paperworks... Life has been crazy and busy...

It’s bittersweet; a little overwhelming too- all that change that's about to come: a part of me is apprehensive, a part sad, a part excited, a part is eagerly holding on to this precious time, a part of me can’t wait to step into the first day of the rest of my life… and at the end of the day all parts of me is tired and achy, but I guess that's just one of the more common 'perks' of pregnancy :).

A month is not a long time. I do not have long to go before I wave goodbye to these people at work I have learnt to consider as ‘friends’- I know much will change when I am back again after seven long months, it always does, the day will soon come when I will start for home one final time for a while hoping that the next morning I’ll wake up all ready to be the kind of mum I have kind of always wanted myself to be…

... till then.

Together

2012-05-18T17:27:00.000+10:00

I have always found it silly the way memes about greatness of mums get passed on, on Facebook or wherever, of the sacrifices a mum makes- dark circles for flawless complexions, sleepless nights, nappy bags for designer bags and how the mums want recognition from the world for ‘giving it all up’. I find this need of glorifying silly, because having a child is a matter of choice. Once you made the choice, you cannot do it any less [well, except for getting a ‘designer nappy bag’ perhaps ;)].

... but then I realized that there are instances when women became mothers because their partners wanted a child- not because THEY wanted one, there are women who do not have a say over their bodies, their lives, their decisions- as a woman they are ‘expected’ to be mums/ wives/ anyone but themselves… and uneven decision-making is a part of many women’s lives. I have seen it in many- it is commonplace in Asia, it is commonplace in the religion my mother practices, it is commonplace behind the closed doors sometimes in the West too… it is perhaps more common than the common you and I can fathom.

I don’t readily understand those memes perhaps because I belong to the ‘lucky club’- the man that I call my own was never under the illusion that having a penis is what gives him a upper hand in our relationship; I do not have a religion - I have actually rejected the one I was born into, one that demeans women and brainwashes them in such a way that even they themselves do not see it and though time will tell for sure- I think my Crazy will be a wonderful father to our child, just as he is a wonderful life-partner to me…

… and those dark circles, sleepless nights and nappy bags will be as much a part of HIS life as they will be mine.

... those seem silly to me because though my life is changing in enormous proportions, so is his life… we are in it together and, for me, there just can't be any other way...

... and that makes a difference.

Bump

2012-05-14T11:28:00.000+10:00

I have 8 more weeks till the official due date of delivery- which means it is assumed that I can very well have as less as 6 weeks to 10 weeks [hey, they do say 2 weeks give or take !] in hand to get things in order. [Now, excuse me while I panic a little] ONLY 6 WEEKS! SIX WEEKS!!!! Even last night I had a dream that my house has mystically shrank so much that we couldn’t even make the pram get into the house!

So far we have bought a cot, cot mattress, pram, pram bassinet, cat seat… and a few small things we either bought or received as a baby shower gift [oh yes, we had a friend arrange one for us last weekend. It was a hell lot of fun :)] like- a video monitor, a newborn kit of bottles, a bottle sterilizer, clothes [both new and hand-me-downs from R&R’s 2 month old- cute little doll-like clothes :)], bath gels & oils etc, a nappy bag, a nappy warmer and oh, how could I forget… nappies [we bought about 250 nappies so far- I hear it’ll last us for about 25 days. I know what you’re thinking (because I’m thinking the same)- babies DO poo a lot- don’t they?]!

There are moments I feel that my house is still unprepared for a baby (bedrooms!, cot assembly!, cleaning till it squeaks!, washing baby clothes before putting them away as ‘ready’!, a long list of things still to buy!, OMG!)… and then I feel the pokes/ kicks/ punches/ rolls from inside of me and it calms me to the point I put the panics aside and whispers to him that we’ll meet soon...

… and I think I’d like that, quite a lot.

The Vibe

2012-05-07T13:47:00.001+10:00

One part of growing up is realizing that you have more friends than you think…

... or less- depending on your own personality type, I guess. My theory is that if you are quite, reserved, mildly-cynical and choosy about making new friends- the first probably applies to you more; if you are not- then probably the second.

I’m the first type and I am beginning to consider myself as lucky at this stage of my life :). It’s like the friends were there all along, it just took me SO LONG to see! I am beginning to see things like- love, friendship and care- in places I have not really looked before. They were there all along and I’m glad I did look now, because it’s such a pleasant surprise. I wish there were enough words to describe how pleasant…

… but it’s okay even if there are no words… because sometimes words do a poor job in describing things of the heart.

I think this is one of those.

Self Esteem

2012-05-03T10:21:00.003+10:00

Every time the shallow girl in me looks at the mirror and the word ‘fat’ crosses her thoughts- I try and think of the number of times he has told me in the past few months that I’m beautiful; even with my pregnant belly and the extra kilos, he seems to think so.

So yea- I tell the shallow girl that I look okay and I like it (a lot) that I’m still beautiful to him.

Thank you Honey.

Hellos and Goodbyes

2012-05-02T13:59:00.000+10:00

There is a friendship that I have finally let go.

Actually, it was not just me; it was rather equally me and him- and I cannot pinpoint when exactly it happened- but I have no doubt in my mind that it did. Yes, there were waters under the bridge- but the friendship was much bigger than the waters combined, at least that’s what I thought.

The last time I wrote to him was back in December (after about a year of silence). I let him know of the pregnancy, not many people knew of it back then. I thought he deserved to know from me before the whole world knows and eager little birds take it as their duties to ‘update’ him of the latest developments of my life.

His silence since then probably means that he does not care much about keeping me as a friend.

… and that’s okay. I kinda knew it anyway.

I just had to be sure before writing it off my books.

Are you ever ready?

2012-04-23T14:30:00.001+10:00

It’s been months I have been pushing it farther deep inside… you know that nagging voice in my head that tells me incessantly that I’m not ready. It is nasty, that voice: it points at my overgrown yard, my mismatched bed socks on a Saturday morning, my exhausted not-so-attractive pregnant body, the ‘stretch marks’ that have started appearing, the bedroom# 3 that needs ‘fixing up’, the unfinished nursery (so much to buy!), the paperwork I’m yet to complete, a crazy schedule throughout May with ‘birthing and labour’ classes and what-not…

… it mocks at me whispering: ‘Oh, you are so not ready!’

In a way, I know that voice is right. I probably am not ready. But it bothers me much less now than it did before- because I kinda realized I would never have been ready, I have always been ‘cautious’ that way…

... and also, to be fair on myself, I probably give myself much less credit for what I am capable of; after all the kitten has taught me a few things about myself, like- I can be protective, passionate, caring and selfless with a very strong maternal instinct that has driven me to the end of the world on many occasions to make sure my baby (baby#1, the kitten) is safe, healthy and is treated right [Big words, I know, but do you have anything smaller that you can describe ‘parenthood’ by? I don't]…

… and that tells me it’s probably okay, that we’ll probably be okay… and that I may not be the best- but I will probably be an 'okay enough' mum.

A Tribute

2012-04-20T07:18:00.009+10:00

My uncle passed away a few days back.

We haven’t been in touch for years- he had never married, never had children or furkids. For the last few years of his life, he was a lonely man- with no family or friends- unwanted due to his sometimes eccentric and paranoid nature… the only family he had any kind of contact with in his last few years is my dad.

But there was a time we were close. There was a time we used to live in the same house- in a ‘joint family’ house- as the East calls it. I remember him humming silly catchy tunes with his own lyrics, I remember him whistling along with the radio, I remember his love of a then-famous Indian actress- Madhuri Dixit, his crush for a beautiful neighbour, his closeness to my dad- and the loud brotherly laughter (of him and my dad) echoing through the nights…

I have met him two years back when I went to Dhaka- I do not remember where exactly, but I remember him asking me if I lived in Melbourne or Sydney and if I liked it there. I fear my reluctance to have anything to do with my extended family (I have issues too), had made me a little distant; my answers were short. If I were to do that meeting all over again now, I would do it differently. I would at least remember what he said when I politely asked him what he was up to now-a-days.

But the fact remains- I do not. So I am doing what I can. I am remembering him in his best light. He wasn’t perfect, neither am I... and as I always say, he is not a better person when he’s dead- but I believe he wasn’t evil; he was paranoid, bitter and rude perhaps- but he was also very very lonely. He made poor choices, he was sorely taken advantage of- and in the end he died alone. I think it is a sad life.

I wish life was kinder to you, Reza Ali. I do not believe in an afterlife, but for your sake- I wish I were wrong… that there was a life waiting for you that balances out the loneliness you endured with something nice and good. We will never ever meet again- but I will remember you every time I watch a Madhuri Dixit movie for the rest of my life.

Stories told, Stories untold

2012-04-18T13:53:00.000+10:00

I have finally hired a gardener. He starts this weekend- my first step to getting my house in some kind of shape before the big change arrives- the garden.

… and then the bedroom 3, then the nursery… busy busy busy times ahead.

On a related note, I- for the life of me- could NEVER find my heart in gardening. I can’t help but feel that I must have something fundamentally wrong with me- after all, I am yet to meet another person who LOATHES gardening half as much as I do!

… also cooking… not that I do not cook for pleasure ever, but the majority of times- cooking, to me, is nothing but a chore. I know, I too am convinced I have the ‘creative chip’ missing from my brain!

On a semi-related note, my new gardener looks like a childhood friend of mine- one that I recently found on Facebook after 20+ years of no contact and it brought back a flood of memories of a life mostly forgotten.

Life can be such a plot for a great story at times, don’t you think?

Flat Shoes, Cold Mornings & Random Thoughts

2012-04-12T16:10:00.000+10:00

Just an update on my life as of now:

1. The bump is getting bigger. I am stepping into my seventh month of pregnancy in just a few days.

2. There is a LOT of things to buy and loads to fix. One burning example is that we bought a baby cot wa-aa-y back in February (a cute colourful one that we just couldn’t resist!) and are yet to assemble it.

3. There is a ‘perfect’ name to be found and I’m running out of time.

4. I have had blood drawn for my gestational diabetes test yesterday… I’m convinced I’ll be ‘a positive’ due to my strong family history of diabetes. The results haven’t come in yet though.

5. Cold winter mornings are back.

6. High heels are out. I’m wearing flats these days. And unlike all other times in the past, without many qualms- who’d have thought that I’ll be mellowed down (shoe-wise) like this?

7. … though I’m trying not to panic each time I look at the scales- after all I have never in my life weighed over 51 kilos before!

In the strangest possible way, I miss writing sometimes; but then, when I do end up writing- I feel exposed… so many-a-times I end up closing the ‘compose’ page and open the one that says is a ‘treasure’ for baby names… Bullshit. There is NO SITE that I have found so far that I can call a treasure for baby names. Fact.

Anyone there to help me out so that my future offspring does not go nameless- or worse, does not end up with a BAD name?

Oh, the horror.

Oh a different note, how have you all been btw?

The sun'll come out tomorrow, bet your bottom dollar that tomorrow there'll be sun!

2012-03-01T16:38:00.000+11:00

I haven’t seen the sun in the last two days. The sky is full of thick light ash-coloured clouds and the Yarra, on my way to work, looked sad. I’m longing for the sun, because it makes my mornings better to see the Yarra River smile.

Life is going good otherwise, despite the lack of warmth or sunshine. Amidst our trips to Ikea, work pressure and other obligations- we have had time to laugh, smile and ‘smell the roses’… and that, my friends, is never a bad thing; as I always say if you want life to smile back at you- take the first step and start with yourself.

Yes- I’m longing for the sun as I said; and every morning I’m looking at Yarra from the tram window- on my way to work- waiting for her to smile back at me… and I’m quite sure one of these days, she will too.

[Title Credit: Tomorrow- ‘Annie’]

The more you know the less you feel, some pray for and others steal; blessings are not just for the ones who kneel... luckily*

2012-02-19T21:15:00.001+11:00

There is a life growing inside of me... it's been about twenty-ish weeks that I've known- and yet each time I think of it, I'm amazed all over again.

It's been a few weeks that I have started to feel that life move, kick and probably do something much more drastic (like may be ballet or somersault? It feels like it sometimes, to be honest). These days I put my hand on my tummy each time I feel it move- I think I feel little 'heels' pushing against me, but I can't be sure.

This is all so new for me.

... but every now and then- I do tell myself that this little nest of mine is going to have a new tiny person. And who knows, may be one of these days the thought will cease to seem so unreal and scary too?

*Title Credit: City of Blinding Lights by U2

So nobody ever told us, baby, how it was gonna be… so what'll happen to us, baby, guess we'll have to wait and see*

2012-02-03T10:52:00.000+11:00

A sunny day today- mercury rising pleasantly and giving us the taste of the last few summer days before winter comes galloping in. I’m at work, my head swimming in words and numbers and ‘Estranged’ (by GNR) in my ears- such an odd song of choice for such a bright day, eh? No reason, just one of those things.

Life has been busy and ‘interesting’- mostly in a good way. There is still some darkness and I’m still in a tunnel- but not without torchlight :); and for now, I am okay with that. There have been some changes too- many twists and turns in uncharted territories, scary sometimes but strangely exciting in others. And while usually I’m not fond of changes much- I figured we live only once after all; and changes probably indicate that I’m ‘living’ it instead of just mindlessly ‘being in a trap called *life*’.

So yea, here I am- living the only life that I’ve got; and the journey is ‘growing on me’… there has been moments I’ve missed you, my friends, and I hope you all have been alive and ‘living’ too. I needed a few hundred days to touch base with myself before I could reach out and know about your days- I hope you can forgive me for that.

… and on my ‘one of the’ last days of summer, I am hoping for some sun your way too.

[Title Credit: Estranged by Guns N’ Roses]

... and though time goes by, I will always be... in a club with you in 1973*

2011-09-19T20:53:00.000+10:00

Here I am… breaking it again: the promise that I WILL write a few lines everyday.

The last few days were again a blur… with random explosions of emotion, sadness, revelations and some (possible) mistakes. They were not good- the days; but I don’t want to talk about them…

You see, I’d rather talk about monkeys and cats because they are fun and easy :). Aren’t those the things you’d rather hear of anyway as well? :)

I will say this, however, that I’m not sure if I am finally doing something I should have done a long time back- or just making the biggest mistake of my life… but the arrow has been shot and I’m now seeing it go. That’s all I can do, I guess…

… and also I’m considering seeing a therapist... you know, regularly. I gathered I need to. I need to.

On a happy note, Sher- my kitten- loves me very much… and whoever thought that things like this alone cannot make you go on- are dead wrong; because they can. And they are.

*Title credit: 1973 by James Blunt

Four

2011-09-12T21:02:00.001+10:00

Do not stand at my grave and weep,
I am not there; I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow,
I am the diamond glints on snow,
I am the sun on ripened grain,
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning’s hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circling flight.
I am the soft starlight at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry,
I am not there; I did not die.

- Elizabeth Frye, 1932

I remember thinking of this poem around the time my grandmother died. It's been 4 years now, almost. It's strange to think that 4 years back, on a September day... my world had gotten a little smaller.

Dida, forever missed.

Sometimes when I think of her, her absence speaks to me... then there are times when I feel she is right there inside of me... but most of the times, despite the pain and sadness of her parting- and despite knowing that I will never ever see her again, I'm glad I was an important part of HER life...

... as she was in mine.

Four long years and many more to come, I guess...

I miss you Dids. I wish you never left... and I wish my heart and my brain could trick me into believing in some kind of an afterlife for just once so that I could hope to see you again.

Nobody said it was easy; no one ever said it would be so hard*

2011-09-11T21:05:00.004+10:00

In my recent effort to write (if only) a few lines everyday, I have again realized how empty my brain is these days... it's strange, in a way, I guess... and not something who has never suffered from clinical depression will understand... at least, not fully.

It's not as dark as it is foggy; not quite as much pain or sorrow as much it is just... numbness. In my head, on my bad days, all voices are muffled and even if they were not, I could not care less anyway...

... and the 'awake' state on those days is much like the 'slumber' state... not fully awake, not fully sleeping; and not quite there either.

So... yeah, as I was saying, the brain is still empty; and yet the fog is clearing... I can tell, can't you? :)

*Title credit: The Scientist by Coldplay.

I'd rather be a comma... than a fullstop... *

2011-09-10T20:44:00.001+10:00

I have been on a Coldplay spree.

It may have been brought on by the upcoming release of their new song... or, as always, just plain and simple Chris Martin. I have always had this (not-so) secret crush on him anyway :). Too bad he is married to the gorgeous Gwyneth Paltrow and I, of course, do not stand a chance... LOL!

A girl can dream though, no harm in that :).

It's been a good day. Because even all else aside- Coldplay or not, Chris Martin or not- there is very few things in this world that is as good as a lazy Saturday... and that is exactly how my today has been.

Before I go today, something for you to listen to... [even if you think Coldplay is not your cup of tea :), it definitely is mine- and I think this song ROCKS!]...

All I need now is a few more days like this and a few more songs like that- and I will be as good as new :)

*Title Courtesy: Every Teardrop is a Waterfall- Coldplay.

Something.... Anything....

2011-09-09T21:01:00.001+10:00

I have said my goodbyes to uni-brows and bushy eyebrows today. After a short visit to the salon- I look and feel slightly more 'human' than I did in weeks, maybe months even. It's strange how burdened those extra bits of 'hair' can make you feel! I gather it's better to be miserable in style (as Agnes had put it quite some time back in a comment to one of my posts) than otherwise. I'm aiming for that. Wish me luck, quick! Wish me luck coz I need it... it's just too easy to get me down these days :).

In other news, I am eagerly waiting for the new Coldplay song, Paradise, that's coming out on the September 12.

Only one teaser of the lyrics that was released today:

When she was just a girl she expected the world, but it flew away from her reach...
... so she ran away in her sleep and dreamed of paradise...

Sad, yet beautiful. Melancholy, yet resonating.... much like many other things in the world that make and break LIFE, don't you think?

.... of Meows and Purrs

2011-09-04T00:32:00.004+10:00

When my coworker heard about Sher’s past history of pancreatitis- the first response I got from her is- ‘Don’t be cruel to him, Reenie, put him down’.

What a terrible thing to say…

… specially given that Sher is a rather healthy kitten now- the pancreatitis has not been back for about a year (*touchwood*) and he has never been happier…and this is precisely what I was telling her.

… and to suggest that I am being ‘cruel’ to my Sher- guess that was pretty insensitive too.

I’m finding it hard to say it right now- but the said coworker is actually a nice person… she bakes cakes on everyone’s birthdays, she remembers little details about you, she is the mommy of the department… but that one thing she said to me is all that I hear when I see her these days.

‘… put him down’…

… what a terrible… terrible thing to say.

Maybe there will be a day when I will be able to forgive her for her one insensitive advise, I just know that day is not today… or tomorrow... or any day in the near future.

Please have a look at the photograph- my Sher is watching birdies from the open door- healthy and happy. How can someone even suggest ‘putting him down’?!

Not Half Enough

2011-09-01T20:03:00.002+10:00

You know what they say about depression, right? They say ‘admit you have a problem… and half your problem is gone’. Well… maybe not in so many words, but that definitely is the gist… but do notice, will you, it says ‘half’...?

Now, I admit it. I have a problem: I have gotten myself into a rut… or in a dark long tunnel… or in a cave where the sunlight cannot find a way to.

How? I honestly don’t know. I guess I lost my way while walking into the woods… or maybe I fell into a cavity of some sort while I wasn’t paying attention… may be that is how my insides always were under the façade that somehow washed away…

But that’s beside the point. It’s rather the other half of the problem, per se, that leaves me clueless... because I so want to come out of this tunnel/ cave/ phase/ whatever… I really do.

… I just have no bloody idea how to.

Whereabouts...

2011-08-10T20:44:00.001+10:00

So... yea, where was I?

Literally saying- right here actually...

Figuratively though, maybe not. I have been somewhere and yet... not really anywhere.

But then- the past few months were but a blur, to say the least.

Changes? There has been a few. For one, we do not live in our little red house anymore; we now live in a green one- in a quite street that goes by the name Young... the change of scene has been like a breath of fresh air. I needed it, I guess.

This green house is a nice one... and for a homebug like me- a nice house is... umm... nice.

Life has been busy... there has been some struggles, most of the time I lost to the faceless monster... but perhaps I won some too. After all, it is none other than me who's sitting here writing, in a pretty green house surrounded by the little kitten and the man for whom I mean the world...

... and for me who mean the universe.

So yea- I was here. Right here; even when I did not know it myself a lot of times.

How have YOU been, btw? And do you remember me still? :)

A Tribute: End of a (Silver) Era

2011-07-07T14:26:00.000+10:00

We came back home to a broken car yesterday- our old car, a beautiful Silver-coloured Vectra that we were to put up on carsales.com.au for selling (we got a new car last month). Some car had smashed it while it was parked in front of our house and drove away… without doing the decent thing… just left it there- damaged, broken, un-recoverable.

It was our first car as a couple; sad it had to come to that.

Goodbye- our pre-loved Silver car. We had wished someone else will drive you perhaps to move to their first home, to bring their first child home from the hospital, to start their lives as independent adults; we had wished you will be loved by another altogether again… which were not to be.

… but we will remember you always, fondly, as a car for which we were the lasts to experience many of our firsts.

Just like that

2011-06-28T15:41:00.000+10:00

I have never had many friends; but I do have a few… and I have lost some too. For some time, I thought I lost her as well- a friend I called my best… I mean, there she was one fine morning, my best friend, and the next morning- she flew out of my radar… just like that, after 15-years of friendship.

… and then two years and much haps-and-mishaps later- there was a little something shining on my social networking ‘wall’, a 1 liner: I miss you.

I knew I missed her too… but a part of me struggled to let go of the past 2-years’ hurt, asking questions in the line of ‘just like that?’

… but the other part- the bigger and perhaps the much more naïve part- said- ‘Yes, just like that. She’s THAT friend- remember-the one you said was your best…?’

The bigger part won- because it was meant to, because there are bigger things in the world than the grudges we hold; and because- in truth- to me, there never was anything bigger than love… and I let her in again.

So we are back to being friends again now… as it seems, just like that.

Epic

2011-05-31T08:59:00.000+10:00

Mistakes and follies, loves and hates, likes and dislikes, health and sickness… most of the times though- none of those; just polite indifference.

Emotions- some little ones and some strong… they float and they take shapes and colours- the shapes are now circles and the colours are light, they begin where it ends and ends where it begins… they stay with me- always and never.

‘Pirates of the Caribbean’ is in the theatres this week and ‘The Lord of the Rings’ is in my Kindle. Pirates can wait, while I get to know the Hobbits… or maybe not- maybe I can have the Pirates and the Hobbits; who said I need to choose?

Up until now, I never knew of the rich world Tolkien had created with his pen and his brain… Why did everyone keep telling me to not even attempt to read ‘The Lord of the Rings’ because it is ‘boring’?! More importantly, why did I listen?

I’m not unhappy anymore; and I am no longer feeling the urge to run away. I am, once again, absorbing it in so that I am a part of it as it is mine. Those hard red squares are now light yellow wiggly circles… it’s all blending in.

… and that’s a good thing, mostly.

IT'S MY SITS DAY!!!

2011-05-26T15:30:00.001+10:00

I am going to make a fun announcement today.

Guys & Girls, I am today’s Featured Blogger in SITS!

Yay!

Those of you who would like to know what SITS is- start by clicking this link. It is a nice website I visit [almost] daily- for new finds, tips or new blogs to read… if you would like to be a Featured Blogger one day- here is where you will find the rules and the form too.

Go on! Get going now!

It’s fun already!

IT’S MY SITS DAY, YAY!

In other news- there is likely to be a lot of visitors at my blog today and I’m guessing (hoping?) that this post will have many comments while the blog is in spotlight... and I, too, hope to find some new blogs to follow and read!

So- while you are here, my new visitors and old [you didn't think I'll forget you- did you?], please make yourselves at home.

I'm absolutely glad to have you all in my space!

Cheers!