Reenie's Scribbles

... and though time goes by, I will always be... in a club with you in 1973*

2011-09-19T20:53:00.000+10:00

Here I am… breaking it again: the promise that I WILL write a few lines everyday.

The last few days were again a blur… with random explosions of emotion, sadness, revelations and some (possible) mistakes. They were not good- the days; but I don’t want to talk about them…

You see, I’d rather talk about monkeys and cats because they are fun and easy :). Aren’t those the things you’d rather hear of anyway as well? :)

I will say this, however, that I’m not sure if I am finally doing something I should have done a long time back- or just making the biggest mistake of my life… but the arrow has been shot and I’m now seeing it go. That’s all I can do, I guess…

… and also I’m considering seeing a therapist... you know, regularly. I gathered I need to. I need to.

On a happy note, Sher- my kitten- loves me very much… and whoever thought that things like this alone cannot make you go on- are dead wrong; because they can. And they are.

*Title credit: 1973 by James Blunt

Four

2011-09-12T21:02:00.001+10:00

Do not stand at my grave and weep,
I am not there; I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow,
I am the diamond glints on snow,
I am the sun on ripened grain,
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning’s hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circling flight.
I am the soft starlight at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry,
I am not there; I did not die.

- Elizabeth Frye, 1932

I remember thinking of this poem around the time my grandmother died. It's been 4 years now, almost. It's strange to think that 4 years back, on a September day... my world had gotten a little smaller.

Dida, forever missed.

Sometimes when I think of her, her absence speaks to me... then there are times when I feel she is right there inside of me... but most of the times, despite the pain and sadness of her parting- and despite knowing that I will never ever see her again, I'm glad I was an important part of HER life...

... as she was in mine.

Four long years and many more to come, I guess...

I miss you Dids. I wish you never left... and I wish my heart and my brain could trick me into believing in some kind of an afterlife for just once so that I could hope to see you again.

Nobody said it was easy; no one ever said it would be so hard*

2011-09-11T21:05:00.004+10:00

In my recent effort to write (if only) a few lines everyday, I have again realized how empty my brain is these days... it's strange, in a way, I guess... and not something who has never suffered from clinical depression will understand... at least, not fully.

It's not as dark as it is foggy; not quite as much pain or sorrow as much it is just... numbness. In my head, on my bad days, all voices are muffled and even if they were not, I could not care less anyway...

... and the 'awake' state on those days is much like the 'slumber' state... not fully awake, not fully sleeping; and not quite there either.

So... yeah, as I was saying, the brain is still empty; and yet the fog is clearing... I can tell, can't you? :)

*Title credit: The Scientist by Coldplay.

I'd rather be a comma... than a fullstop... *

2011-09-10T20:44:00.001+10:00

I have been on a Coldplay spree.

It may have been brought on by the upcoming release of their new song... or, as always, just plain and simple Chris Martin. I have always had this (not-so) secret crush on him anyway :). Too bad he is married to the gorgeous Gwyneth Paltrow and I, of course, do not stand a chance... LOL!

A girl can dream though, no harm in that :).

It's been a good day. Because even all else aside- Coldplay or not, Chris Martin or not- there is very few things in this world that is as good as a lazy Saturday... and that is exactly how my today has been.

Before I go today, something for you to listen to... [even if you think Coldplay is not your cup of tea :), it definitely is mine- and I think this song ROCKS!]...

All I need now is a few more days like this and a few more songs like that- and I will be as good as new :)

*Title Courtesy: Every Teardrop is a Waterfall- Coldplay.

Something.... Anything....

2011-09-09T21:01:00.001+10:00

I have said my goodbyes to uni-brows and bushy eyebrows today. After a short visit to the salon- I look and feel slightly more 'human' than I did in weeks, maybe months even. It's strange how burdened those extra bits of 'hair' can make you feel! I gather it's better to be miserable in style (as Agnes had put it quite some time back in a comment to one of my posts) than otherwise. I'm aiming for that. Wish me luck, quick! Wish me luck coz I need it... it's just too easy to get me down these days :).

In other news, I am eagerly waiting for the new Coldplay song, Paradise, that's coming out on the September 12.

Only one teaser of the lyrics that was released today:

When she was just a girl she expected the world, but it flew away from her reach...
... so she ran away in her sleep and dreamed of paradise...

Sad, yet beautiful. Melancholy, yet resonating.... much like many other things in the world that make and break LIFE, don't you think?

.... of Meows and Purrs

2011-09-04T00:32:00.004+10:00

When my coworker heard about Sher’s past history of pancreatitis- the first response I got from her is- ‘Don’t be cruel to him, Reenie, put him down’.

What a terrible thing to say…

… specially given that Sher is a rather healthy kitten now- the pancreatitis has not been back for about a year (*touchwood*) and he has never been happier…and this is precisely what I was telling her.

… and to suggest that I am being ‘cruel’ to my Sher- guess that was pretty insensitive too.

I’m finding it hard to say it right now- but the said coworker is actually a nice person… she bakes cakes on everyone’s birthdays, she remembers little details about you, she is the mommy of the department… but that one thing she said to me is all that I hear when I see her these days.

‘… put him down’…

… what a terrible… terrible thing to say.

Maybe there will be a day when I will be able to forgive her for her one insensitive advise, I just know that day is not today… or tomorrow... or any day in the near future.

Please have a look at the photograph- my Sher is watching birdies from the open door- healthy and happy. How can someone even suggest ‘putting him down’?!

Not Half Enough

2011-09-01T20:03:00.002+10:00

You know what they say about depression, right? They say ‘admit you have a problem… and half your problem is gone’. Well… maybe not in so many words, but that definitely is the gist… but do notice, will you, it says ‘half’...?

Now, I admit it. I have a problem: I have gotten myself into a rut… or in a dark long tunnel… or in a cave where the sunlight cannot find a way to.

How? I honestly don’t know. I guess I lost my way while walking into the woods… or maybe I fell into a cavity of some sort while I wasn’t paying attention… may be that is how my insides always were under the façade that somehow washed away…

But that’s beside the point. It’s rather the other half of the problem, per se, that leaves me clueless... because I so want to come out of this tunnel/ cave/ phase/ whatever… I really do.

… I just have no bloody idea how to.

Whereabouts...

2011-08-10T20:44:00.001+10:00

So... yea, where was I?

Literally saying- right here actually...

Figuratively though, maybe not. I have been somewhere and yet... not really anywhere.

But then- the past few months were but a blur, to say the least.

Changes? There has been a few. For one, we do not live in our little red house anymore; we now live in a green one- in a quite street that goes by the name Young... the change of scene has been like a breath of fresh air. I needed it, I guess.

This green house is a nice one... and for a homebug like me- a nice house is... umm... nice.

Life has been busy... there has been some struggles, most of the time I lost to the faceless monster... but perhaps I won some too. After all, it is none other than me who's sitting here writing, in a pretty green house surrounded by the little kitten and the man for whom I mean the world...

... and for me who mean the universe.

So yea- I was here. Right here; even when I did not know it myself a lot of times.

How have YOU been, btw? And do you remember me still? :)

A Tribute: End of a (Silver) Era

2011-07-07T14:26:00.000+10:00

We came back home to a broken car yesterday- our old car, a beautiful Silver-coloured Vectra that we were to put up on carsales.com.au for selling (we got a new car last month). Some car had smashed it while it was parked in front of our house and drove away… without doing the decent thing… just left it there- damaged, broken, un-recoverable.

It was our first car as a couple; sad it had to come to that.

Goodbye- our pre-loved Silver car. We had wished someone else will drive you perhaps to move to their first home, to bring their first child home from the hospital, to start their lives as independent adults; we had wished you will be loved by another altogether again… which were not to be.

… but we will remember you always, fondly, as a car for which we were the lasts to experience many of our firsts.

Just like that

2011-06-28T15:41:00.000+10:00

I have never had many friends; but I do have a few… and I have lost some too. For some time, I thought I lost her as well- a friend I called my best… I mean, there she was one fine morning, my best friend, and the next morning- she flew out of my radar… just like that, after 15-years of friendship.

… and then two years and much haps-and-mishaps later- there was a little something shining on my social networking ‘wall’, a 1 liner: I miss you.

I knew I missed her too… but a part of me struggled to let go of the past 2-years’ hurt, asking questions in the line of ‘just like that?’

… but the other part- the bigger and perhaps the much more naïve part- said- ‘Yes, just like that. She’s THAT friend- remember-the one you said was your best…?’

The bigger part won- because it was meant to, because there are bigger things in the world than the grudges we hold; and because- in truth- to me, there never was anything bigger than love… and I let her in again.

So we are back to being friends again now… as it seems, just like that.

Epic

2011-05-31T08:59:00.000+10:00

Mistakes and follies, loves and hates, likes and dislikes, health and sickness… most of the times though- none of those; just polite indifference.

Emotions- some little ones and some strong… they float and they take shapes and colours- the shapes are now circles and the colours are light, they begin where it ends and ends where it begins… they stay with me- always and never.

‘Pirates of the Caribbean’ is in the theatres this week and ‘The Lord of the Rings’ is in my Kindle. Pirates can wait, while I get to know the Hobbits… or maybe not- maybe I can have the Pirates and the Hobbits; who said I need to choose?

Up until now, I never knew of the rich world Tolkien had created with his pen and his brain… Why did everyone keep telling me to not even attempt to read ‘The Lord of the Rings’ because it is ‘boring’?! More importantly, why did I listen?

I’m not unhappy anymore; and I am no longer feeling the urge to run away. I am, once again, absorbing it in so that I am a part of it as it is mine. Those hard red squares are now light yellow wiggly circles… it’s all blending in.

… and that’s a good thing, mostly.

IT'S MY SITS DAY!!!

2011-05-26T15:30:00.001+10:00

I am going to make a fun announcement today.

Guys & Girls, I am today’s Featured Blogger in SITS!

Yay!

Those of you who would like to know what SITS is- start by clicking this link. It is a nice website I visit [almost] daily- for new finds, tips or new blogs to read… if you would like to be a Featured Blogger one day- here is where you will find the rules and the form too.

Go on! Get going now!

It’s fun already!

IT’S MY SITS DAY, YAY!

In other news- there is likely to be a lot of visitors at my blog today and I’m guessing (hoping?) that this post will have many comments while the blog is in spotlight... and I, too, hope to find some new blogs to follow and read!

So- while you are here, my new visitors and old [you didn't think I'll forget you- did you?], please make yourselves at home.

I'm absolutely glad to have you all in my space!

Cheers!

Amo La Vida

2011-05-23T14:07:00.002+10:00

A trip to the beautiful shop near my work, 4 birthday gifts [for friends’ birthdays that went by recently and one that was coming up this weekend] and spending quite some amount of money later, I felt so merry…

I guess the weekend had hit me finally… and then the rest of it remained delightful through and through. Retail therapy has worked for me more often than not, after all.

It helps to remember that if the source of my much distress [aka job] has to go, so does this expensive therapy [aka retail]. I mean it when I say that it’s not the money I love- but rather it the things that money can buy…

… and then- sometimes it’s not even the ‘things’, it’s the act of ‘buying’. Please tell me you know what I mean? :)

In other semi-related news- the name of the mentioned shop is ‘Amo La Vida’; and for some ‘vaguely-explicable’ reason I like that very much :)

‘Nearly’ As Good As it Gets

2011-05-19T19:00:00.007+10:00

I may not know a lot of things and the decisions I make may not always be the best ones… but I know this much...

... that no matter what- I did make some right ones in my life and now...

... I am one of those who ‘gets’ it when Melvin tells Carol ‘You make me want to be a better man'.

[Reference, the movie- As Good As it Gets].

Are you?

[Image Credit: Wikipedia]

Seek

2011-05-18T09:03:00.001+10:00

In the last few months, I have done many a thing that I’m not proud of.

I beat myself over them for about a month; one thing about clinical depression is that it can sneak up on you from the smallest unattended crack and turn you into a person much worse than, well… you; so there I was- in that murky place inside my head- wondering where did the sun go…

Then, about a few hours back- I decided to let it go and forgive myself… lock that murky place up [ and perhaps loose the key] and seek out the sun.

True- I am still not happy about the things I did [or almost did]: I ‘almost’ quit my job, deferred my CPA segment exam, stopped reading EVERYONE’s blog, stopped writing in all three of my blogs, slept a lot and missed my dead grandmother like crazy…

… overall I have been much more of a ‘quitter’ than a ‘survivor’, but well… things happen.

I want to be back; and I wish- finally this time around- I can too.

PS: Thank you for sticking with me all this time. It means more than you’d probably know :)

[Image Credit: Crazy]

Trio

2011-05-13T17:59:00.000+10:00

This day last year- Pekky and I had arranged a small cake for our friend, Sal.

It wasn't much- just a small cheesecake from the grocery store nearby brought at the work lunch to mark the day. It was small, quite and unceremonious- but it was important for us that we do 'something' for our friend on her birthday- and we did the little we could in our tight work routine- it was fun though- all three of us are the 'private' sort, so it worked out happy :).

Then again last year, when Sal went to the U S of A- she brought in a bagful of Hershey's 'Kisses' for me and Pekky. I never was a fan of chocolates- but that bag was precious- it reminded me that I was important enough... it made me happy.

This year, all three of us from three different locations, longed for those little moments of happiness friendship often brings. I guess I miss them more than I realize most of the times. I guess they do too.

Has it really been a year already?

Time flies, doesn't it?

I miss them. Work is not the same anymore and I guess I am admitting that I am a little lonely these days.

It's been a while no one has done those little precious things for me (not counting Crazy). It's been a while I have not done them either (again, not counting Crazy).

Today, I miss our little quiet lunches, simple grocery store cakes, a bagful of Hershey's, the comfort of having a 'friend' beside... and a lunchtime to look forward to.

Today I miss Pekky and Sal.

Today, I know that despite my many reservations about friendship- some have worked out great and I have indeed made a few great friends.

How's that for a happy thought? :)

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Wintry

2011-05-09T13:20:00.001+10:00

… this morning Sher woke me up… and then, we walked and trotted around the house on our two legs and four… to turn the heater on… to sit on the sofa for a while… to meow and coo… to purr, knead and cuddle… all of it just for a little while.

… then, I had to get out of our little comfy den to the bad, cold, frosty, chilly world…

… like the rest of the world. I’m not special, I know :).

… but yes, Melbourne is frosty these days- bed socks are out, heaters are turned full-on all day, instant soups are back in the grocery list as cold coffee is out… I bought a few nice stockings and covered shoes- outdoors is slightly better after that, but even then… Winter is not really my season.

It feels strange to think that in another hemisphere, Winter- the season that feels so alien to me now- was the season that I was born in…

PS: Hope the weather’s better over where you are :)

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Eureka

2011-05-04T15:41:00.000+10:00

I could finally pinpoint it... I now know.

What I have actually lost is faith in some people- some seemingly insignificant people in the broader view of things, but people I see/ saw every day nonetheless... and one of those I trusted [there are not many that I do] and don’t anymore.

That’s what’s causing it... that’s why I’m so awkward these days and so ‘demotivated’.

Finding this answer was important. I can now set my focus back on things-more important things- like blogging, or shoes, or nail polishes, or reading my favourite blogs :).

Peace is not far away, my friends. I will be back... soon enough.

PS: I miss Blogging. Hope you all are well :)

A Lifetime

2011-05-02T16:03:00.001+10:00

Crazy typing out his assignment- eyes stuck to his MacBook monitor, me sitting on the floor sorting out papers, the furkid on the sofa lazily looking at us between cat naps- belly up.

I make an idle comment while placing the AGL bill to the ‘keep’ pile, ‘This year, it will be our 12th year together and our 7th year of marriage’

He nods, turns his lips and smiles- all the while keeps typing.

‘Basically, spent my whole life with you- didn’t I?’, I say casually, smiling and perhaps with a hint of mock despair...

His smile broadens a little and he nods again... eyes still stuck on the monitor, but the expression much softer.

I smile and go back to the papers. This guy nods a lot. He nodded at me the first time we met... no ‘hello’, no ‘nice to meet you’- just a smile and a nod. I thought that was cute- none of us are big talkers, after all.

We came to adore each other’s words and silences through the years.

After all we HAVE spent almost our WHOLE lives together, haven’t we?

A Patch of Rough

2011-04-19T09:11:00.000+10:00

I am making it official... I am taking a break from blogging.

I will be back though... may be... possibly... in all likelihood. I say it because I always have. It may be a week, a month, a year, a few years... it may even be tomorrow.

But today I am pondering a possibility of a healthy break- without any guilt or deadlines in my mind- with every effort to re-find a little bit of myself first... I have not been able to for quite some time now.

Let’s see how I go, shall we?

Meanwhile if you need to contact me, need my help, need to catch up with me or even ever... maybe... miss me- consider sending me a note at emcie at y7mail dot com or my Gmail, the pleasure will be all mine.

Till we meet again, FAREWELL.

Baby, it’s cold outside...

2011-04-13T14:38:00.000+10:00

It is cold today.

... very cold- for me at least [8c; for the record: any temperature in single digits is cold for me]- the kind that gives me a headache, makes me crave for a cup of warm soup and turns me into a useless mash of shivering fleshes and clunking bones...

I would leave work early today, if it didn’t mean that I’d have to step out in this cold and if I wasn’t so tired. I wish someone made me hot chicken soup and magically teleported me home.

... or gave me something to combat this insane lethargy ~~and then made me hot chicken soup and magically teleported me home~~.

Meanwhile, please do me a little favour: if Summer has gone your way, enjoy her to the fullest- will you? She deserves it...

... and so do YOU.

... accept the things I cannot change

2011-04-08T14:10:00.001+10:00

Some ‘soul-searching’ is in order, and regardless of if I get some answers or not, so is some ‘moving-on’.

... because, you see, we only have one life...

... and it goes on... whether we live it or not.

Kelinedara

2011-04-01T11:24:00.003+11:00

I can now bite my tongue, because after much meanness towards Crazy for his WoW-addiction [not an illegal drug btw, just a computer game] - I am now reasonably addicted to it myself.

... it all started with Crazy finding an excuse in installing it to my MacBook... that vindictive man, he must have known! I should have known too. I did always have a thing for fantasy worlds after all [think Hogwarts!].

You meet my ‘toon’ though... she is a blood elf by race, a warlock by class, a herbalist by profession, has a blood elf mage mentor/ friend called Craziel [that’s Crazy btw], has a cute pet minion demon called Piptai, knows dark magic, can be a potentially dangerous opponent in a battlefield...

... she is also me- a prettier version of me, but ‘me’ nonetheless. I now live in Falconwing Square in a world called Frostmourne...

... my name is Kelinedara. I like to believe I exist :).

Remote Control

2011-03-28T19:25:00.001+11:00

I have realized some time back that one of the ways to be happy is by teaching yourself to define happiness in the terms you can control... for example, instead of thinking ‘I wish he does that, then I’ll be happy’, think ‘I am happy because I am doing what makes me happy’; because the only person you can control is yourself... if your happiness is in control of others- your source of happiness is more uncertain than you’d imagine.

Same goes for ‘grievances’. Stop bothering with what others do or say; I still have a long way to go- but really, I have no intent of doing it any other way. I have had my own struggles, true... but then, who doesn’t?

In the past, I have been criticized for my ways- my atheism, my choice of Crazy, my dislike for chocolates, my choice of animals... but at the end of the day- the idea of God still does not sit with me, it is 11 years now I am happily together with that same boy, I still hate chocolates and I still think cats are wonderful...

... those are my biggest ‘happys’ [well, except the chocolates]- my ‘strawberries’, as Kea would put it... and if ‘they’ are sad because these things are unchanged and I am still insufferable... well- too bad, I say... it works for me.

I think ‘differences’ between individuals is beautiful- it makes each of us unique- it’s wonderful... too bad not all agree. But yes, I suggest you learn from it and move on.

I am not important enough, trust me, don’t give me that remote control of your happiness.

One at a Time

2011-03-24T19:27:00.001+11:00

My gramma passed away a few years back and up until that point in my life- I never knew what being ‘bereft’ actually meant... and thousands of miles away from where she was, broke- financially and otherwise- and bereft like I was, I discovered that I cannot make 'sympathy' phonecalls.

Sometimes I cannot even receive those calls, I learnt that too.

But today- on the onset of the passing of Elizabeth Taylor- I think I will make one... to my mother- because she always thought Ms. Taylor was absolutely gorgeous...

I realize that the death of a stage icon is so much easier to talk about; than that of the person who walked with you to the elementary school- with your little hand into hers- chuckles, white ribboned plaits, a Popeye school bag, light-blue school uniform and the sunrise for company...

... strange how these memories bring back all sort of other little memories- like how she smelt and how her voice sounded like... and in my mind I kinda relive those magical moments... and makes me wish for moments gone by- not days, mind you- just some moments; some impossibly sweet moments of the distant past.

It will still take some more time, it seems, till I can be ‘okay’ with the impossibility of her death- but I'm getting there- one baby-step at a time... a public blog-post about her, for a start... yup, a post that says that she smelt of Jasmines, she smiled a lot, she was crazy witty, she loved me and I miss her...

... babysteps, indeed, one at a time...