The Positive Piper

Are You Passionate or Passionless?

Jen Whitten — Thu, 02 Jun 2011 22:19:48 +0000

Warning: Inspiration can strike at any time...in any way!

I realize how that sounds. Don’t worry. I’m not trying to dig into anyone’s sex life here.

I’m talking about your life in general.

Even though we may not all live fabulous, jet-setting lives, we can all still be passionate about the lives we lead. Of course, there will be passionless moments – like doing the dishes or scrubbing the bathtub – and there will still be times when your zest for life wavers a bit. That doesn’t mean you have to be a passionless lump on the couch.

Seriously, how much do you love being around people who are genuinely excited about their lives? I do. A lot. Like A LOT a lot. On the same token, I’m not so excited to be around the passionless people I know. I’m guessing you’re probably the same way.

So, if so many of us are inherently drawn towards passionate people, doesn’t it kind of make you wonder if you’re a passionate people magnet or a passionless lump?

Taking your passion

I read a quote by Jack London the other day that fits in well with this topic:

“You can’t wait for inspiration. You have to go after it with a club.”

Sounds about right to me.

It also sounds like the fundamental difference between passionate and passionless people. Passionate people are ready to go after what they want, to seek out new inspiration during lulls in their lives. Passionless people, on the other hand, prefer to wait, hoping that inspiration will hit them over the head like a piano falling from a fourth-story window.

Your task, should you choose to accept it, is to spend a few days pondering your own passion situation. Are you someone who leaps to action, searching for adventure and intrigue at every turn? Or, are you content with the ho-hum existence built around watching TV and doing the dishes?

While you’re at it, consider this: Is the person you’re meant to be passionate or passionless?

photo credit: Emily Raw

Also on The Positive Piper

Why It’s Smart to Hold Onto Your Destructive Side

Jen Whitten — Wed, 01 Jun 2011 03:11:22 +0000

Every trait - even our bad ones - have a shiny, useful side.

As you may have noticed, today’s post is in direct opposition of last week’s post where I taught you how to kill off your destructive side. Seems weird, doesn’t it? Almost seems like I have no concept of what I’m talking about on any given day, huh?

No comment…

What you may also recall from last week was that I was big time torn over whether having a destructive side was a good thing or a bad thing. Since I don’t think I’m qualified to make that call in your life, I’m going to lay out both sides for you (between this week and last week) and it’s up to you to decide how you want to handle the annoying jerk who runs around ruining your life. Will you kill him or just cage him for later?

Like I said…your call.

Why your destructive side isn’t all bad

Our destructive sides really get a bad rap, but I don’t think it’s always deserved. Instead, I like to think of it as too sides of the same bratty coin. On the dark, murky side, you’ve got someone who can’t control their tongue and generally makes everyone dislike them – meaning they dislike you. But then there’s the shiny side…

Let’s say being outspoken – extremely so – is leading you down a path of self-destruction. Imagine that instead of using your words to pick at your friends and family, you channeled all that vocal power towards defending the people in your life. Or, maybe you use it for civic or charitable purposes.

How can that be bad?

This is the inherent problem of being self-destructive. The character and personality traits that lead you to ruin are the very same traits that could be used for the forces of good.

Let’s be honest, y’all…I don’t have a problem with the obnoxious jerk running around outside the grocery store trying to raise money to give homeless kittens to kids at an orphanage or the elderly at nursing homes.

Knowing when you’ve crossed the line to self-destruction

Let me add a caveat to that last statement: I don’t have a problem with someone being an obnoxious jerk in that situation within reason. The moment he follows me to my car to harass me about donating my spare change, I’m done.

My friends, there is a difference between being fired up about your cause and being psychotic about your cause. Therein lies the problem.

The trick to finding a balance is staying self-aware enough to know when you’re crossing a line. Actually, first the trick is finding or drawing the line. Then you can worry about dancing on the edge.

In my experience, knowing where the line is involves trial and error.

A LOT of trial and error.

Let’s have an example

Just to give us a little continuity between this week and last week – especially for those of y’all who can’t decide if you’re set to kill or cage yet – we’ll stick with the example of someone who’s critical of others. I think we can all agree that this is a trait we find unflattering in other people. It might even be a trait that drives us away from others.

But what if you could keep the critical eye without the harsh words?

If you can temper your words with caring, you might actually be able to help people. Think about it…You already see what others are doing wrong in their lives. Once you learn how to wait for people to come to you for advice instead of dishing it out unasked, you get to become a trusted counselor instead of a nosy nag.

Killing it or caging it

Like I said in the beginning, this is your call to make. For me, I can’t kill off a part of myself – even the parts I don’t like – because it’s all a part of me. (This doesn’t go for my inner perfectionist though. She’s still on that device slowing dipping her into a vat of angry, mutated sea bass, possibly with lasers strapped to their heads.) For me, I always worry what would happen if I tie off a part of myself just a bit too tightly. Would I lose that feisty fire just when I need it most?

Ugh. Let’s not even find out. I’m not interesting enough to get any duller.

Granted, I don’t have any personality traits that are literally destroying my life. No addictions. No secret life. (Like I said, I’m BOR-ING.) If you have anything like that in your life, an aspect of yourself that you can’t keep in a cage without fear of it getting loose, your choice is made for you. You have to kill it. And you should probably kill it now.

So, cage it or kill it? And by the way, what’s your “it?”

photo credit: sea turtle

Are You Ready for a Break?

Jen Whitten — Fri, 27 May 2011 01:43:57 +0000

Sometimes, we all need a break...

Well, are you? Since we’re on the verge of embarking on a 3-day holiday weekend in observance of Memorial Day (in the US, anyway), I thought now seemed like a good time to leave you nothing but your upcoming holiday plans to think about until Tuesday.

Sound good?

But, since I know I’ve got some overachievers out there who are just itching to keep working their way towards a more positive tomorrow, I’ll give you three “homework” options.

Homework

Review the most recent posts you may have missed at the bottom of the screen
Review your assessment of issues in your life and make any changes or additions that seem fitting
Work on fighting against the Negativity Beast by telling it you don’t always have to work on being more positive and have a great long weekend!

I don’t know about you, but I think I’m going to stick with option 3. It sounds like the most fun…and I know I deserve some fun after the last few weeks I’ve had.

Which option sounds right to you?

For my fellow Option Three-rs,

Have a safe and happy Memorial Day weekend!

photo credit: Roads Less Traveled Photography

How to Kill Off Your Destructive Self

Jen Whitten — Wed, 25 May 2011 00:50:37 +0000

Is your behavior turning into a car wreck?

I’ve been going back and forth about the subject of this post for several weeks now. Even last week when I asked you to imagine your life without your destructive side, I was still having some doubts. In fact, while I’m about to show you how to commit another murder in this post, I’ll probably turn around and argue against doing so next week.

Confused yet? Don’t worry. We’ll get to the topic at hand.

So anyway…Did you start imagining how smoothly life would run without that annoying jerk who lives inside us all? I know I did.

Life would be all bubble gum and sunshine if they’d just go away.

Ways to tell if you’re being destructive

It’s easy to mistake being destructive for just being yourself. Super easy. In fact, unless you’re physically hurting yourself, you may not find a lot of agreement about your actions.

Personally, I like to look at things from the eyes of other people, specifically, lots of other people. There’s always going to be one person who’s all for or all against what I’m doing or saying. The question is how other people as a whole are viewing something. En masse, people can see things we can’t always see.

For example, let’s say we’re feeling angry and road rage is getting the better of us. (I know, it’s satisfying to yell at the jerk who cut you off then slammed on his brakes for no apparent reason, but stick with me.) If your behavior is scary to a passenger who always drives 20 miles under the speed limit, well, okay. But what if your friend who has more speeding tickets than stars in the sky gets into the car and freaks out about your driving?

Might be time to take a look at things.

It’s not so much about bending yourself into what other people want you to be as it is about realizing that when everyone in the world seems to have an issue with your behavior, the problem is likely yours, not theirs.

Destroying destructive behaviors

As always, the first step to dealing with something is to figure out what’s wrong in the first place. A good place to start is being more aware of the world around you. In particular:

Are your friends less available to talk and hang out?
Do people look for excuses to leave once you show up?
Is anyone even paying attention when you talk?

Driving away friends is one of the first signs that your behavior or attitude is a problem. After that, you may start to notice fewer advancement opportunities at work. Maybe your family begins distancing themselves from you.

So, what do you do about any of it?

Um…stop?

Seriously though, you have to stop once you recognize something you’re doing is a problem. We don’t get to whine about why we can’t stop or how it’s hard to stop. We just…stop.

Okay, let’s say you’re critical of others, it’s driving them away and you know you need to stop. Try:

Asking a friend to give you a sign when you slip into your critical ways
Being quiet while you think about the tone and words you’ll speak before letting it all rush out of your mouth
Holding your tongue when you’re having a bad day
Reviewing how you did at the end of each day
Thinking about how others will feel about your words.

In the case of the critical person, chances are good they don’t even realize when their words are harsh or hurtful because they’ve been doing it for so long. Chances are also good that you and I don’t realize when we’re engaging in hurtful behavior to others because we’ve been doing it for so long too.

Unfortunately, there’s no magic switch we get to flip that stops us from being certain ways. What we do have is the ability to see ourselves for who and what we really are. And we have the ability to change those things about ourselves that we don’t like.

What destructive behavior, attitude or habit are you planning to kill this week?

photo credit: edward bailey

Should You Kill (a part of) Yourself?

Jen Whitten — Fri, 20 May 2011 00:56:17 +0000

Will you see your worst enemy reflected in the mirror?

Check out that irritating, arrogant, mind-numbing person over there. How many times have you forced yourself to stay quietly in the shadows while they ran amuck, doing and saying everything they want? How many times have you been left to clean up the messes created by that jerk?

Probably more times than you care to admit, right?

Thing is…it would be so much easier to go around putting out all those fires if it really were another person lighting your life ablaze. When you apologize for what another person did, you get sympathy. When you apologize for something you personally did or said for the 9,000th time, well…not so much.

To be clear, that jerk running around ruining your life is you.

Pardon me, but would you mind if I killed you?

This week, I thought it would be fun to get back to the Within Temptation lyric I meant to post when before I let myself get sidetracked by Fate.

“Would you mind if I killed you? Would you mind if I tried to ’cause you have turned in to my worst enemy. You carry hate that I don’t feel. It’s over now. What have you done?” ~ What Have You Done

After listening to the song a LOT and watching the video a few times, I’m pretty sure the song’s talking about another person. Of course, I don’t advocate trying to kill other people around here – even with their permission – so I think we’ll draw a slightly different meaning from it.

This week, let’s not think about the other people who’ve wronged us in the past. Let’s not consider all the negativity dumped on us from others. Instead, let’s focus on all the times where we hear ourselves behaving badly and are unable to crawl out from within our own heads to stop ourselves. (PMS-related meltdowns don’t count. Zero in on the non-hormonal stuff you could control if you wanted to.)

Basically, we’re turning our focus to all the spectacular ways we sabotage our lives without the help of others.

Once you have a clear picture of that person you don’t want to be, the one who fights tooth and nail to keep you from becoming who you’re meant to be, imagine what your life would be like if they didn’t exist.

Imagine what your life would be like if you killed that person, ridding yourself of all their hate and bile in the process.

Hmm…what would that be like?

photo credit: timtak

Setting Yourself Up For Success Without Being Obnoxious

Jen Whitten — Tue, 17 May 2011 21:25:31 +0000

Are you willing to brag about your ace in the hole? Maybe you should

I’ve decided there are predominately two kinds of people in the world. There are those who believe they’re doomed for failure and don’t bother trying to achieve anything of substance or, when they do, they sabotage themselves in spectacular, awe-inspiring ways. Then there are those hungry for success, ready to proclaim victory, roar in the face of mountain lions…you know the type.

While I applaud the second group for going after their dreams, they’re a bit obnoxious, don’t you think?

Don’t get me wrong, I think singing your own praises can occasionally be a healthy confidence boost. Rambling at length about your brilliance over finding a light switch, on the other hand, is not. In fact, I’d be willing to venture a guess that many who think they’re doomed for failure are nothing more than normal people who aren’t interested in bragging about success.

Since I don’t particularly like either option, I say we create a third, one where we get to achieve our goals and avoid running off our friends.

Accidental breeding of obnoxiousness

How many times growing up did you hear about the perils of being a bad loser? What about the necessity of being a gracious winner? Although I can see the merit in both, I don’t think parents and coaches explain them well.

Think about it. Do kids really understand the point of being nice to the punk dancing on top of the Monopoly board after their victory? Do they see it as a character-building moment or do they think their parents just want them to stop throwing green plastic houses at their brother?

And as for being a gracious winner….come on y’all. There are few things that feel as disingenuous to me as when kids walk by slapping hands and saying good game at the end of a game. Sure, a few of the kids seem to mean it, but most are just going through the motions until they get ice cream or pizza. I don’t know about you, but I’d rather hear the truth about how someone feels or nothing at all from them.

But I don’t have kids, so maybe actual parents don’t view forced niceties as fake. *shrugs*

The value in boasting about success

During the dawn of Man when the first caveman created fire, did he pat himself on the back and keep this accomplishment to himself? No. He ran out and grunted at all the other cavemen so they could bask in his awesomeness. It’s the same thing I do when I kill a spider and I want my husband to be sufficiently impressed by mastery of swinging a broom at things much smaller than me.

The point is that humanity is hard-wired to share success. It’s society that asks us to tone down our rampant chest-pounding to seem less like the ego maniacs we truly are.

But here’s the thing: We need to pound on our chests and declare our dominion over all obstacles.

Why? Because some accomplishments are turning point moments, stepping stones towards the next major accomplishment. In these moments, we can be satisfied with where we are or we can strive for more. Yes, some of us will keep going no matter what because we don’t know the meaning of the word complacency (and are too proud to look it up in the dictionary).

But some of us would stop. Sometimes, we need that external encouragement to spur us onward. For some of us, it’s the validation and praise from others that makes all the hours of exhausting, mind-bending work worthwhile.

And, as they say, if you aren’t willing to toot your own horn, who will?

How to be an obnoxious success

So, now we have two diametrically opposed goals to achieve. We need to set ourselves up for success by a bit of boasting, without becoming boastful. No problem. Here’s what we’ll do:

Acknowledge when singing your praises is appropriate
- Major accomplishments on the job, finishing your novel, etc. (Let’s skip tales of spider-killing unless it was literally larger than you)
Consider the feelings of those around you
- Doing the “in your face” dance over your promotion to a friend who recently lost their job is a tad inappropriate
Exercise restraint in your self celebrations
- It’s cool to recount your victories for your friends; it’s not cool to do so each and every day – especially about the same thing
Stop celebrating and get back to work
- You know that guy who tells everyone about his domination on the football field…25 years ago? Don’t be that guy. Celebrate and get on with it.

This is the ACES approach to boasting. Follow it and your friends probably won’t decide you’re an obnoxious jerk and jump ship. Don’t follow it and…you get the drift.

What’s your success style? Do you thrive on the praise of others or would you rather collect achievements in silent secrecy?

photo credit: Tiago Daniel

Are You Hard-Wired for Failure?

Jen Whitten — Fri, 13 May 2011 02:37:24 +0000

Are you afraid of all the things you never did?

Originally, I intended to keep shaking my fist at the wind and being paranoid about how the Universe is out to get me. Then I decided we’d spent enough time for one week fixated on all the things we simply can’t change. I mean, it’s fun and all, but not terribly productive if we want to be proactive instead of reactive.

So I thought we’d turn our attention back to the source of most our troubles, pay attention to the one person who so often controls whether our life goes according to plan simply by acting – or not acting – at the appointed hour.

Spoiler alert! I’m talking about us.

More specifically, I think it’s time we cast a critical eye onto why some of us – again, myself included – seem so determined to make sure we fail at [Insert Important Thing Here]. Are some of us simply hard-wired for failure while others are keyed into success?

Fearing failure or fearing fear?

Today, I ran across a quote that is sadly not attributed to anyone. So, let’s listen to what our good friend Anonymous has to say:

“Don’t fear failure so much that you refuse to try new things. The saddest summary of a life contains three descriptions: could have, might have and should have.”

Although this directly confirms my feeling that we often stand in our own way, it indirectly affirms something else I’ve been thinking for quite some time. Well, wondering is more like it. I’ve been wondering if it’s failure we fear or if it’s really the fear of fear. (I planned to give the names of phobias for each, but tripped down the rabbit hole and forgot what I was searching for by the time I got back to writing this. Guess I failed…)

Anyway. Until next time, how about we ponder this quote, as well as what’s really to blame for our failures? Is it that we don’t take action when we mean to? Is it that we’re simply too afraid of failing?

Are we so incapacitated by the fear of being afraid that we let those golden opportunities slip through our trembling fingers?

Or am I the only one who sometimes wonders if I’m hard-wired to fail? You tell me.

Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons, Public Domain

How to Cope When the Universe is Out to Get You

Jen Whitten — Tue, 10 May 2011 16:33:13 +0000

How will you cope when your universe is swirling out of control?

We all have bad days. You know, those days where you get to the curb just in time to miss your bus and get splashed with mud by a speeding cab when you’re already late for a super-critical appointment that has the power to change your life FOREVER. Bad days are an unavoidable fact of life. These are the days when Fate gets a good laugh at our expense.

These are also not the days that have anything to do with what I’m talking about today.

Instead, I’m talking about when the Universe brings about a very specific set of dire events designed to destroy your life and shatter every fiber of hope and joy in your being. I’m talking about illness and death, divorce and job loss. I’m talking about the perfect convergence of terrible life events that the Negativity Beast only wishes it could claim credit for orchestrating.

I’m talking about when the Universe is out to get us and what we can do to retain our sanity.

Understanding the difference between the Negativity Beast and the Universe

Generally, it’s pretty obvious that the Negativity Beast is the soft, annoying voice in our heads trying to melt the smile right off our face. NB has loads of tools at its disposal. These weapons include:

The list is quite literally endless. The common thread, however, is that the Negativity Beast is always using your mind against you. Sure, there may be outside forces you react to, but NB always finds a way to use those forces to its benefit.

The Universe is a different story. A very different story.

Unless you’re mentally ill and doing the bidding of the Negativity Beast, it doesn’t have the power to kill anyone. The Universe does. It isn’t that the Universe is particularly mean-spirited or cruel, just that there’s a natural order to things, a balance. We all die, sooner or later. People lose their jobs. Loved ones drift apart. Natural disasters occur.

In a way, the Universe is the ultimate creator of issues we didn’t create and can’t control.

Facing the lie we all seem to believe

You know how we all hear people tell us to put on a brave face and stay positive? How things will all be okay if we just smile more?

It doesn’t work.

The lie too many of us believe is that we have to stay positive when the Universe is seemingly out to get us. We trick ourselves into believing that something’s wrong with us if we can’t get over a tragedy and move on. So, we force ourselves to “do better” at being positive and then beat ourselves up once we fail at the task.

That, my friends, sucks. That’s also the work of the Negativity Beast. It didn’t create the tragedies in your life, but it sure as sunshine plans to use it to destroy you and any positive outlook you once held dear.

As I mentioned last week, Fate makes us suffer. What I didn’t expand on at the time was the fact we didn’t have to like it.

Beating the lie and coping with life

Really, my point in writing about this today is to make you understand that it’s okay not to be sunny and positive each and every moment of your life – especially when seriously bad stuff is going on in your world. But, since it’s Tuesday, I still have to give you something tangible you can work through to cope when you’re on the Universe’s hit list. So, I guess I will

I refuse to teach anyone to plaster on a fake smile and pretend their way through the day. No, that’s not right. Instead, let’s learn how to uncover the lie and move from there.

Assess what’s upsetting you
- Get to the root of the issue, not the superficial reason that’s easier to face
Determine if it’s the Universe or the Negativity Beast
- If your life is changing in a drastic and fundamental way, the Universe is the odds on favorite
Select the length of time you’re willing to let this alter your mood
- The Universe may have struck first, but you still get ultimate control over your reaction.

I should add one caveat to this. If you’re dealing with a Universe event and you’ve become so negative that you’re sick of yourself or the people in your life are jumping ship, it’s time to make a change. At that point, I’d still say plastering a smile on your face isn’t the way to go, but neither is wallowing in self-pity or grief to the point of self-destruction. If you have a support network, now’s the time to reach out to them and allow them to show you the silver lining on your storm clouds.

And if you don’t have a support network…you do now, through The Positive Piper. This website is here, the Facebook Community is here and I’m here. You don’t have to be alone when the Universe is out to get you unless you just want to be.

I truly mean that.

Now, how do you cope when the Universe is out to get you? My personal method is convoluted and usually involves going catatonic for a bit…and a few pints of ice cream.

photo credit: Rusty Russ

Why Does Fate Make Us Suffer?

Jen Whitten — Fri, 29 Apr 2011 02:35:34 +0000

Is it the hand of fate reaching out to smack our hand or just bad luck?

I’ve been uninspired and not quite myself lately. Everything’s fine with me, so don’t read too much into that statement and the title. They aren’t necessarily related.

Truthfully, I’ve been a bit, um, disconcerted since reading a message someone sent me through the site last week. Not because of anything they wrote – never hesitate to contact me through the form – but more because I didn’t feel like I was helpful. And that sort of thing eats at me…not being able to help.

I mean, helping is what I do.

So today, uninspired and disconcerted, I opened the screen to compose this post and stared at it. Then I wrote some of the lyrics to my current favorite song, “What Have You Done” by Within Temptation. Then I stared some more because I didn’t know where I was going with it and hate the idea of posting uninspired crap for y’all to read. So I stared and sang along with the song since it was playing.

And then, a few lines later, it hit me over the head with the force of a brick. I didn’t just want to know, I had to know why fate was seemingly so cruel.

Curse of fate

The full lyric from the song is:

“Why, why does fate make us suffer? There’s a curse between us, between me and you.”

I think the song is probably talking about a broken relationship, but generally speaking, don’t we sometimes feel like fate is cruel, even when a relationship isn’t involved? I know I have. Frankly, there are times I’ve curled up in a little ball and racked my brain for what I did to piss off the Universe.

As an aside, I don’t believe in coincidence, luck or chance, so I suppose that means I believe in fate. That said, I can’t say I believe we’re puppets merely playing out a script for our lives.

Tonight, I wish I had some sort of brilliant insight into why fate deals such crappy hands to some of us – or, at least, doesn’t bother to spread the crap around so we have a minute to catch our breath. But I don’t. No epiphanies. No brilliant insights.

I got nothin’.

So, you might say I’m putting food for thought out there that I’ll be nibbling on all weekend and up until Tuesday’s post on the subject. Let’s all hope my Muse returns by then. What can I say? When the Muse isn’t speaking to me, she really isn’t speaking to me.

In the meantime, why do you think fate makes us suffer? Or do you suppose it’s not fate at all, just random chance and a stroke of bad luck? I’d really like some outside input on this one.

Murdering Your Inner Perfectionist

Jen Whitten — Tue, 26 Apr 2011 21:47:47 +0000

It's time to commit the perfect murder

Imagine the proverbial dark and stormy night. You slip, unseen, through the shadows, weapon of choice in your hand. Tonight is THE night. Nothing can stand in your way.

Murder is in the air. Can you feel it?

You’re about to kill someone close to you…very close.

No, I haven’t started a new career as a trainer for criminal masterminds…Yet. I’m not encouraging you to break the law either. Instead, I’m inviting you to murder the one thing in your life that holds you back from being the person you’re meant to be in more ways than you can ever imagine.

Today, my lovelies, I’m inviting you to crush the life out of that annoying perfectionist living inside you.

The problem with perfectionism

You know, I’m all for trying to be better. The pursuit of achieving more than I have before can be a rush. No doubt about that, but the concept of perfect is so subjective that it’s essentially unattainable.

I’m not a fan of striving for the unattainable. That all but assures failure.

In our last post, we talked about how perfectionism fosters inactivity, yet there’s more to it. The pursuit of nothingness is bad, but what about the flip-side? What about once you achieve the unattainable?

What about when you deem something perfect?

Some of the most brilliant and gifted artists – Leonardo, Michelangelo, Donatello…you know, those Ninja Turtle dudes – didn’t really consider their works perfect or even wholly complete. Yet, their disappointments are what we consider to be masterpieces.

This is the problem with perception. No matter how you view something, no matter how impartial you try to be, someone will always have an opposing opinion. So, what you deem perfect will invariably be under the scrutiny of others.

At this point, a couple of things can happen:

They tell you it’s not perfect, potentially doing so in such a way that you begin feeling bad about yourself
They agree and bask in the utter perfection with you, leading you to wonder, “what’s left?”

Yes, the disagreement that leads to lower self-esteem is bad, don’t get me wrong, but I believe it’s the latter that’s most damaging. Think about it: By definition, you have no way to improve upon perfection. You’re done. There’s nothing left to accomplish.

Perfectionism leads to some rather sad feelings, if you ask me. Better to murder her and go along your merry way. (I’m a chick, so my inner perfectionist is a chick, too. Yours doesn’t have to be, of course.)

Deciding to murder perfectionism

Murder isn’t something one should jump to lightly, even when we’re discussing a personality trait nestled deep within us. Truthfully, the concept of perfect may not cause an issue in your life. You might just be better adjusted to the business of living than I am.

Until recently, I never minded being a perfectionist and I certainly didn’t notice any of the ways it was holding me back. Of course, then the perfect contradiction of two things struck me – and struck me hard. I bet you’ve heard these sayings as well:

Practice makes perfect.

Nobody’s perfect.

Okay, so…which is it? Can I attain perfection or is it all an exercise in futility? Or, are we trying to say that people aren’t perfect, but actions can be?

No. No. No. NO!

I don’t want to have nothing left to achieve any more than I want to avoid doing things for fear of failure. No, the endless question spiral must stop. I’m going to murder perfectionism in my life.

So, I guess I’d best teach you how to do it as well…just in case you’ve been itching to pull the trigger, too.

How to murder perfect

Sure, you can go off half-cocked, but a perfect murder – one to murder perfect – requires a bit of planning. Here’s the plan:

Acknowledge you aren’t perfect, aren’t meant to be and never will be
Examine the areas of your life in which you strive for perfection
Figure out why you’re so desperate to be perfect – or to be seen as perfect, as the case may be
Realize you can’t truly fail unless you stop trying to achieve the goals that matter to you
Understand that perfect is little more than an illusion you’re creating in your own head.

Notice I said you’re the one creating the illusion, not the Negativity Beast. This is important because the Negativity Beast takes a long, long time to slay, but this concept of perfection? Oh, no…if you created it, you can kill it, honey. Now.

Hmm…It all seems a little psychological for a good murder, doesn’t it? I noticed that too. Let’s talk about the hidden step, shall we?

Committing your perfect murder

Look at #3. There’s a reason you and I are so desperate to have people think we’re perfect. There’s a reason we want to be perfect. Find it and tie it to a chair in a dark warehouse on the docks.

Now, that you’ve taken your hostage, interrogate it by any means necessary to get to the root of the issue. Does it boil down to self-esteem or a need for external validation? Is it an old expectation put on your parents and teachers back in the day? Don’t be scared to threaten your reason for perfection until it sings like a canary. If you don’t get to the bottom of it – the big boss, if you will – perfectionism henchmen will keep coming after you.

Did you get your answers? No? Get your butt back in there and scare the hell out of the reason tied to that chair until you get directions to the big boss’s secret lair. Go.

Just like in every good thriller, we can’t let the reason go once we get our answers. It knows to much. Shove it in the river and head deeper into your psyche to attack the boss.

And once you find that perfect enemy in your head? Metaphorical bullet between the eyes, knife to the gut, cement shoes and a visit to all the pretty deep water fish…It’s really all the same. Pick your poison and murder that incessant need inside for perfectionism.

Ooh…poison. Another old standby.

So, how did your interrogation go? How will you murder that pesky perfectionist in you? Personally, I’m going with the slow moving machine that lowers her into a vat of acid or sharks or rabid sea bass because it’s awesome.

photo credit: djniks

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