Power of Moms is taking a sabbatical! After 13 years of creating and sharing content from deliberate mothers worldwide, we are stepping back to celebrate and assess our role in the future of deliberate mothers through our work at Power of Moms. Thank you for all of your support, your wisdom, and the effort you put into your homes and families every single day. YOU are the power of moms.

During this time, please enjoy the treasure trove of resources that live here at Power of Moms. Hundreds of articles and podcast episodes are available at the click of a button here on the site! The search function at the top of each page will let you locate articles by keywords, or you can check out the variety of links and ideas on social media:  

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/powerofmoms

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/powerofmoms

Pinterest: https://www.pinterest.com/powerofmoms

YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/user/PowerOfMoms/videos

If you’d like to stay in touch with me and my husband, please visit us at LearnDoBecome.com! It’s a rapidly-growing community focused on helping those who are drowning in the details of life to create simple systems so they can do what matters most. If you’re a busy mother who wants more peace, order, purpose, and joy, you’ll love the resources we’ve created. Here are a few helpful links! 

Free Introductory Class: https://learndobecome.com/STEP 

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/LearnDoBecome/

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/learndobecome/

We love and appreciate you and look forward to serving you!

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Finally, spring came. Snow melted, temperatures rose, and children played on swing sets instead of running laps around the kitchen. Life was good.

Good turned into mud season, followed by New Hampshire’s other notorious gift: black flies (whose sole purpose is biting me). Still, excited for spring and a homegrown tomato, I determined to ignore the microscopic spring wreckers, and got down on my hands in knees to pull dead weeds and winter muck from garden beds.

Strange, how I had forgotten that garden maintenance wan’t always fun. Every weed pulled required two black fly swats. Progress was slow. Hot, sweating, and covered with bites, I surveyed the yard.

There were no spring flowers yet. The grass and juniper bushes were surely dead. Every garden bed was covered with half-decomposed compost and sticks. Weeds were still young, but in mere minutes they would be threatening a homeland take over; I know how this goes. I considered hibernating another winter.

I pondered the value of digging and pulling and sweating. If beautifying my home is supposedly a good thing, why does it always have to be so hard?

My complaints were met with instant guilt. Me, who couldn’t wait for spring. Me, who had squealed over seed packets in the mailbox. Me, who had planted those tiny seeds in March so they could be transplanted in June.

I ignored the guilt and crawled inside.

The next day, I came back out and started again.

I repeat this mantra often: everything starts messy.

By late May, with the danger of a Memorial Day blizzard past, I hauled the tomato starts down to the garden bed. A bit weak and pathetic, they were at least alive. What they needed now was the good earth.

My children were next to me, chattering about worms and poking holes in dirt. I observed they had grown since last year’s planting, too. Oh, we’re still messy, but there’s been progress. The years of car seats, sleepless nights, and a requisite afternoon nap are gone. No one requires a potty treat or a special “choo-choo” spoon, and we are (mostly) polite in public.

Everything starts messy–and stays that way a good long while. (And, dare I say it? I sometimes long for that messy baby.) Motherhood is something we’re often desperate to have, only to be disappointed by the process and work that growing a child actually entails.

Isn’t it amazing that this little seed becomes an edible beet? With a little nourishment, it does. Even though we can’t see it, things are happening. Changing. Growing.

Babies, toddlers, teens, chore charts, household management–everything starts messy. And requires a little bit of faith.

 Faith requires we do the hard things even when we can’t see the end: even though there are no guarantees. In The War of Art by Steven Pressfield, he talks about resistance. Resistance is not your friend. It’s your adversary. It’s all the doubts and fears, the “you can’t do it” and “it’s too hard” discouraging moments.

Resistance is what keeps us from doing what God put us on the earth to do. It’s easy to listen to resistance, because let’s face it, it’s easier to be lazy and not do the work.

It’s easier not to plant a garden. It’s easier to ignore the kids than pay attention. It’s easier to plug into devices than read a story. But we do hard things because there is something more powerful than resistance: the harvest.

I may or may not have been put on earth to be a farmer, but I do know this: great harvests require great effort. And a strawberry is always sweetest to she who planted and nurtured it.

Children just might be the messiest people on the planet (actually, that is a completely true statement), but they are also the best plants I’ve ever produced. Perhaps a little mess is how the best things grow.

QUESTION: What messy part of motherhood feels overwhelming to you?  

CHALLENGE: Choose one aspect of “messy” in your life, and embrace it.  Remind yourself each time you see the messiness that this mess is growing your most beautiful “plant.”

Originally published on April 6, 2015.
Edited by Elsje Denison and Sarah Monson. Images from author, with graphics by Julie Finlayson.

The post Everything Starts Messy appeared first on Support for Moms - Power of Moms.

Do you co-sleep? Schedule feedings? Baby wear? Cry it out? The questions start from the beginning. Whatever the age and stage, mothers are often asked to take a philosophical stance on child-rearing and debate issues so seemingly serious they sometimes damage friendships between women. I used to be asked where I stand on these issues, and all I can say is, I don’t subscribe.

Of course, I make choices like anyone else. I just don’t subscribe to a particular parenting philosophy, or if I do, it would be something like: “Trust yourself and do what makes sense for your own family.” I just like to be myself as a mother. I want to respond to my children and all the sticky family situations the best I can and know that is good enough.

I remember when my first child was a newborn and I heard the advice, “sleep when the baby sleeps.” It made me feel like a failure every time. I have dealt with insomnia my entire adult life and no way could I sleep in 30-minute increments on-and-off all day, let alone also squeeze in a shower and a snack. Once I had two, then three children under the age of five, the advice seemed laughable. Why then, I wondered, did people keep repeating that advice to me? It felt like a setup.

One of the best changes I made with my second and third babies was to stop reading pregnancy and parenting books. When I didn’t know what I was “supposed” to do, I had to figure it out. Everyone is different, of course, and some moms really benefit from the advice of parenting experts. I just wish we could all give as much credit to our own internal wisdom. 

I am not talking just about motherly instincts, which get overlaid by anxiety and guilt. A new mom doesn’t know how to care for a child when the fear of doing something wrong overwhelms her completely. But I do think that when we get quiet and centered inside, we see that no one else can live our lives for us, so no one can tell us how to handle each parenting challenge. As lonely and confusing as that may be sometimes, it’s also liberating. We can shoot from the hip a little more. It’s not such a bad thing.

The time has come for women to support other women in trusting themselves. We don’t need to cut each other down, compete, or compare. We’re in this together, raising the next generation. If there were one way to do things and one way only, it would be known by now. My guess is, if you read this website and you’re aiming to learn more, you’re probably pretty conscientious. You care, and that’s worth a whole lot. Sometimes, it’s okay to let that be enough.

QUESTION: What choices are you making that others may judge, and can you love and respect yourself despite their opinions? How can you support yourself in a deeper way?

CHALLENGE: The next time you start to criticize someone else’s parenting, stop. Breathe it through. Recognize that you don’t know what’s best for everyone and then appreciate your own choices and values. AND the next time you feel judged or someone gives you unwanted advice, practice letting go. Imagine it all just blowing past you in the wind, or streaming down a river. Send love to your own heart and know you are a human being improvising as you go.

Edited by Kimberly A. Price.
Image from Unsplash via PicMonkey.

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Photo by photostock at www.freedigitalphotos.net

When you leave your husband home alone with the kids, do you come home to a disaster zone? Can your husband juggle the care of the home and the kids, or does he drive away from the mess and head to McDonald’s? Are you baffled as to why this otherwise competent man who manages to slay the dragon and bring home the bacon every day can’t seem to keep the house clean and the kids fed when you’re not around?

I often hear mothers (sometimes myself) complaining in a “joking” manner about how their husbands can’t handle the complexities of family life when left alone with the kids for a few days or even just an afternoon. They forget about instrument practice. They let the kids watch too much TV. Everyone eats cereal for dinner. They don’t do housework. Why can’t they accomplish the simplest of tasks that we mothers can manage with one hand tied behind our backs? (Or holding a baby, or a laundry basket, or a phone, or a checkbook . . .)

More importantly, how do you respond when this phenomenon occurs?

It’s no secret that women are better at multi-tasking (check out these results from the google search “women vs. men multitasking”), but that’s not what I want to focus on today. I want to look at what happens to the dynamic of the mother-father relationship when your husband’s less than stellar performance (in your opinion) takes center stage thanks to that spotlight you’re aiming at him.

I know this isn’t a marriage blog, but I think everyone would agree that the relationship we have with our spouse influences our mothering as much as anything else. Since we’re talking about having patience with ourselves and with our children this month anyway, why not spend a few minutes talking about having more patience with our husbands?

Now, if your husband really is a big lazy slob who clearly wants nothing more than to sit in front of ESPN2 all day, you probably should find a good marriage blog. But if you have an otherwise willing and helpful husband like mine, it may help you to consider the following four thoughts before saying anything on those days when you come home to a house that has been the recipient of a lot of living. (How’s that for a positive spin?)

#1 He is not in his element. If you are the primary caretaker of home and family and he is the primary breadwinner, you have got to remember that this man is not in his element. He doesn’t do this every day, so of course he can’t pull it off like you! (If you both work full time and equally share the workload at home, this may not apply to you.) As much as dads today are becoming increasingly more active in the home compared to their predecessors (my own husband is very hands on), not all of them were “trained” in the art of childcare and homemaking like many of the women they married. (How often do you hire a young man to babysit?) On top of the extra “training” you probably received, you’ve probably also spent hundreds of hours talking to other moms, and reading books, articles or blogs with tips and insights that you’ve had the luxury of practicing over several years. You should know more than anyone how difficult it is to manage a home and family, so give the poor guy a break! Could you do his job at the drop of a hat without the necessary training?

#2 His way of doing things isn’t wrong, it’s just different. If I had my way, we would never leave the house on the weekends until the house was spotless and we had undertaken some sort of massive family de-junking/organizing project. But because my husband isn’t as tied to every last detail of the inner workings of our home, he’s often much better at detaching himself and knowing when to say when–especially when I’m not there. We mothers can get so used to the home being our territory that we fall too far into “mom mode” and want to control things even when we aren’t there. Let your husband do things his way while he’s in charge. It may not be how you would do it, and some things may even slip through the cracks (or so it seems to you), but part of being patient with our husbands is trusting that there is value in his way of doing things.

#3 He needs a break too. Even though my husband enjoys his job, it demands a lot from him both physically as well as emotionally. (Sounds like motherhood, right?) So why should I expect him to always be “on” when he’s home alone with the kids? (Especially if I’m away on a girls weekend or taking the afternoon off to do some personal shopping). Even if you’re a super organized time management guru who cleans and organizes for stress relief, most of us aren’t wired that way. Don’t you let a few things slide when your husband’s not around? Not to mention the kids never mind a break from the usual routine. Having a loose day with dad every once in awhile isn’t a bad thing.

#4 Don’t undermine the importance of your work. Whether mothers realize it or not, there is an ulterior motive behind the impatient (annoying, mocking) tone we take when asking our husbands why on earth they couldn’t keep the kids busy and happy, get the laundry done, pay the bills, and have a decent dinner on the table. We are looking for them to validate that what we accomplish every day–while seemingly simple–really does require a high degree of self-motivation, organization, and ability to multitask. The irony of us suggesting that they should be able to replace us without a second thought is that it undermines how truly complex and demanding our work is. By insisting that the work is simple, not only do we insult our husbands (who were probably trying their best, doggone it!), but we also negate the very validation we are seeking.

So the next time you leave for a few days (or even a few hours) and come home to find the kids sitting on a blanket of popcorn watching Sponge Bob in their underwear–stop, take a deep breath, smile, and tell your husband that you understand. You’ve been there.

We’ve all been there. And it’s not an easy job.

QUESTION: How does your husband do when you leave him alone for a few days or even a few hours? What’s your attitude toward him when you come home? Does it help your relationship and validate your work as a mother, or undermine both?

CHALLENGE: Try practicing patience with your husband the next time you come home to a less than perfect situation. Remember that he’s not in his element, he works differently than you do, and he needs a break sometimes too!

Originally published on March 13, 2012.
Photo from PhotoStock.

*** To see a great TV interview with Allyson Reynolds on this topic, visit this video from Studio 5.

The post Moms And Dads Are Just…Different appeared first on Support for Moms - Power of Moms.

How do you put a value on having something to look forward to? Especially during challenging, stressful, or monotonous days or weeks as a parent, having something enjoyable to look forward to makes a world of difference. I’ve learned this from experience.

I haven’t always been great about making sure my wife, Danielle, and I enjoy a weekly date, despite being told from the outset of our marriage that it’s something we should do. My social cup was getting filled by my job, so when the weekend came, I was content with just being home and watching a movie together. I was a bit oblivious to Danielle’s needs and undereducated on what a weekly planned date could really do for us.

Part of my awakening happened after our fourth child was born. I was able to take a week off to be home. My eyes were opened to realities I hadn’t considered! For example, I discovered that it’s somehow possible to pick up the same hairbow three times in 10 minutes, and that there is nothing convenient about kids needing to go to the bathroom in stores. Nothing.

During that week I also learned what having a planned date for the weekend—an actual event that you know is going to happen and will be different from the regular activities of the week—can do for you. In moments of parenting exhaustion, knowing that a date night is on the calendar can spark your energy to set out the seventeenth snack of the week or trek across the store with a nearly full cart for one more potty break!

The Benefits of a Planned Weekly Date

Our emotional health is strengthened when we have enjoyable things to look forward to. Shawn Achor, in his book The Happiness Advantage, notes, “Often, the most enjoyable part of an activity is the anticipation. . . . Anticipating future rewards can actually light up the pleasure centers in your brain much as the actual reward will” (p. 52).

So, what is it that you have to look forward to with a weekly date? Well, throughout the week, consider the stress that you and your spouse experience. Whether it’s from parenting, work, finances, or sleep deprivation, the side-effects of stress can make life difficult to manage. 

With an intentionally planned date, you’re spending time together apart from the concerns of day-to-day life, engaged in an activity you enjoy and that helps you connect and rejuvenate. There’s also a sweet satisfaction that comes from realizing you’re being intentional about doing something good for your marriage. You and your spouse can both come away with reduced stress and better energy for managing what life throws at you!

The Key Is Planning

The key to building these date nights into your routine is planning—setting the time aside and identifying the activity. The good intentions of too many couples are lost by seeing if it works out. Whether you take the lead for making dates happen in your relationship, or you and your spouse collaborate on this, the planning is best done when you have at least a few ounces of creative energy. 

Some couples plan their date during a weekly planning session, whereas other couples set the times and plan the date activities for the entire month at the beginning of the month. It doesn’t need to be stressful or complicated—it can be as simple as blocking two hours out on Friday nights—but planning in some form is essential.

Deciding What to Do

Coming up with a date activity each week can be daunting. I used to get overwhelmed by it, until I started compiling our date ideas on a note-taking app. This gave us a storehouse of ideas to pull from as part of our planning. 

Eventually, Danielle and I compiled these date activities into a book. Our hope has been to encourage other couples to reap the marital, personal, and parenting benefits that can come from having consistent, enjoyable dates. This book, Continuing Courtship: A Date Activity Resource for Couples, contains 52 date activities, most of which can be done at home. Realizing that date activities didn’t have to take place outside of the house to “count” as a date opened up a lot of possibilities for us! We’ve also created a YouTube channel (“Date Night Documentaries“) with short videos of date activities and tools for making date night happen.

A Success Story

For a few years, Danielle and I would set a goal to have at least one planned date each month. Some years we did better than others. For 2019, we set a goal to have one planned date activity for 50 weeks of the year. We’ve got six kids, so given random illnesses or emergencies, we figured shooting for 50 would be both ambitious and realistic. And we did it! Actually, we surpassed it by managing a planned date 51 weeks of the year! More important than the number is the greater happiness and closeness we’ve experienced in our relationship. It truly has become something we look forward to each week!

At the time I’m writing this, I’m home again for a week while Danielle is away for an extended family event. So when snack number eighteen is requested and it’s only Wednesday morning, I know I can do this. Why? Because on Saturday at 8:00 p.m., I’m meeting up with the woman of my dreams in our basement for an awesome at-home hilarious-YouTube-clips competition date night!

QUESTION: What benefits would weekly planned dates bring to you and your spouse individually and collectively in this season of life?

CHALLENGE: Plan a simple date for this weekend! Send a text now to ask your spouse out!

Edited by Kimberly A. Price.
Image provided by the author.

The post Date Night—You Deserve It! appeared first on Support for Moms - Power of Moms.

But recently I have realized that photos are not all that great as memory keepers. In fact, the more I look at photos of something, the less I actually remember of the moment. It’s almost as if my brain has said, Oh, good, you captured that moment. I can move that out of here to make space for things you don’t have documented.

Pretty soon, when I try to remember what happened, all I see in my mind are the videos or pictures of what happened.

My father-in-law died of dementia. And if you’ve ever watched someone fade into the fog of forgetfulness, you know the urgency we all feel to never forget this moment is warranted, even while we know that memories are fleeting. So how does one capture the memories? How does one not forget?

I’ll tell you a secret. Sometimes, when I have trouble falling asleep, I take out my mental image album and I will replay and re-carve into my neuropathways some of the memories I never want to forget.

Starting with my oldest child, I will try to mentally recreate the moment my babies were born. I will close my eyes and see my doula, holding up a little, white, long-sleeved onesie and reassuring me, She’s almost here. I will hear my husband’s voice, choked with tears and relief as he tells me, She’s out and it’s over, you’re done, you’re done. I feel the grip of his fingers; the heavy, wet warmth of her body on my chest.

Over and over again.

Unlike a photo or a video, my memories engage all five of my senses. I swear, at times, it almost feels like time travel. Like I’m back in the moment and sending a postcard to my future self. I’m here and this is what it is like. I wish you were, too! Come visit soon!

So, I’ve started writing postcards to my future self. Invitations to travel back to this moment and relive this sometimes ordinary but always beautiful moment. Not just re-see this memory, really relive it.

They are short, just a paragraph or two, and they try to give a full, sensory description of the moment. I write one before I go to bed, or while I’m sitting at the sidelines. Not all the time. Just once in awhile when I get that heart-melting-I-want-to-stay-here-forever feeling. You know that feeling.

And I’ve invited some friends to do the same. Maybe reading our postcards will spark your own Postcards from Motherhood.

Here are three of mine, one with each of my children:

Sometime in 2015

Mae still lets you do her hair sometimes. Usually she washes it at night but today she has washed it in the morning and needs your help to blow it dry. Her hair is golden and long–think fairytale hair. But she is usually oblivious to its beauty and hates brushing it. You dry and brush her hair until it is straight and smooth as flax. Then you swoop her bangs with a barrette. She looks up and into the mirror. A mix of surprise and delight and pride spreads across her face as she realizes, “Wait…I’m pretty? Yes. I AM pretty.” She gently pats her hair and walks differently out of the bathroom, more carefully–like she’s balancing her beauty on the top of her head.

Wish you were here!

March 2017

We are riding in the backseat of a cab on the way home from basketball practice. It’s dark as we drive, but the illumination from the street lights and the occasional oncoming car headlights move across Lalo’s face and head. His glasses are slightly steamed on top, the heat of his sweaty eyebrows clouds them. His hair is darker around ears and neck, across his forehead, wet from sweat. This makes the flop of his blond bangs even more luminescent as the lights move across them. He is excited and proud of himself. He keeps re-playing how he drove and shot. He describes it again and again, not even waiting for you to weigh in. Finally he takes a deep breath and looks out the window. I can’t wait to tell Daddy, he says.

Wish you were here!

April 2016

Zev wants to snuggle before he goes to sleep. So you climb in and take your place, the side closest to the wall. He turns his face to you and talks in what we call affectionately a “stage whisper.” His little voice is husky and scratchy and his breath smells like a toothbrush. You say, “Say your prayers.” And he says, “You help me.” And you say, “You start” and off he goes. He prays fervently for his baseball game, a sport he is trying for the first time. “Please, oh please, help me get at least one hit in the baseball game.” His game isn’t for three weeks and you hug his soft, squishy, frog-belly closer, hoping to squeeze the worry out a little.

Wish you were here!

And here are two “postcards” from my friend, Rachel Nielson, one with each of her children:

April 2016

You are snuggled up together under his red comforter, reading bedtime stories, your favorite time of day. Noah is almost six, getting bigger every day, but he still fits perfectly in your arms as you cuddle up together. Tonight you are reading James and The Giant Peach, and he grins in anticipation as you open the book, a gap in his bottom teeth showing where he recently lost his first tooth.  As you read about the giant peach rolling down the hill and flattening the wicked Aunt Sponge and Aunt Spiker, he explodes into a peal of giggles. You are startled and delighted by his sudden outburst, and you start to laugh, too.  “Mom, it’s too good, it’s just too good!” he says, burying his face into his monster blanket to try to stop the giggles.

Wish you were here!

May 2016

Sally gasps in disbelief, and you turn quickly to see what is the matter.  “Look, Mama! Rainbows!” she says with awe in her voice. Her two-year-old feet carry her quickly across the room and she plops down on the carpet in front of a string of sun spots that are coming in from the small window by the front door.  You look closely and notice that she’s right–there are small rainbows scattered across the carpet in the early morning light. Fascinated, she puts her little hand in the middle of a sun spot and spreads her fingers, wiggling them in the colors. “Try it, Mama!” she commands, and you put your hand next to hers.  You’re sure these rainbows have been here every morning since you moved here a year ago, but you have never noticed them before. Today you and Sally start the day by hopping from one spot of sunlight to another, chasing the rainbows.

Wish you were here!

QUESTION: What are some moments with your children that you would like to travel back to?

CHALLENGE: This Mother’s Day weekend, take a few minutes to write some “postcards” to yourself, recreating some of your favorite moments and memories with your children. We would love to read your postcards, if they aren’t too personal to share. Leave them in the comments below!

Originally published on May 12, 2017.
Photo by Alexis Johnson Photography

The post Postcards from Motherhood appeared first on Support for Moms - Power of Moms.

The summers in Arizona are unbelievable—you go to a covered park at 8 am (right before it reaches 100 degrees) trying to “get your kids’ wiggles out,” but they aren’t even wiggly yet! Come 3:00 pm, you’ve played all your indoor games, you’ve read all your books, you’ve swum in your pool twice, and you’re already on Zillow, desperately scrolling through houses for sale in Antarctica. Spoiler alert: there aren’t many listings down there.

During one of those inescapably scorching summers, my husband and I read a fascinating article entitled, “The Stories That Bind Us” (Bruce Feiler, New York Times, March 15, 2013). This article explained how research shows that children who know their family stories are more resilient and perform better on every psychological test the researcher administered. 

Wow! I had studied psychology in college, so this finding was especially fascinating to me. Could simply sharing our family history stories really strengthen my children as much as this article promised? I decided to give it a try. Plus, I was desperate to do something to enrich our time as we were trapped in our air-conditioned, mid-summer bunker!

Our Family History Experiment

My experiment began simply. Each Sunday afternoon I told my three little boys about an ancestor with a pretty unique story. With crayons, they scribbled a drawing of the story on blank paper. I added a caption, then we put the stories in a binder to enjoy. 

Over the course of the summer, I added a few more family history activities to the mix—playing Memory and Bingo, telling ancestor bedtime stories, making old recipes, etc. While my husband and I didn’t see huge benefits immediately, we had faith that making our ancestors come alive to our children would eventually have the desired results.

A while later, our oldest son showed us a great result of our efforts. His class was doing a “Be the Teacher” segment, and he had the opportunity to teach his fellow third graders about a topic. 

Some of his classmates chose to teach about origami or chess, but Samuel immediately chose to share the story of his great-grandfather who was a fighter pilot in World War II. About this experience, Samuel wrote, “I feel special when I hear stories of my ancestors doing amazing things and think Merrill’s story is really amazing. Him doing brave things makes me want to, too!”

It worked! Sharing our family stories was working and now I want to tell every parent I meet that sharing your family stories really does help kids! Learning about their ancestors helps children gain the sense of belonging that they deeply desire but sometimes struggle to find in the outside world.

Bringing Our Family Closer

We have had so many great family moments with these activities. Last month, my children dressed in my dad’s old clothes and acted like professors, because that’s what my dad was. They wagged a long pointer at their siblings and taught us about my father’s favorite buildings. 

Not only did we laugh like crazy, but we learned about my late father and came to love what he loved. When my son commented about one particularly unique building we drove by, I knew that that activity had sunk in!

Not only have our kids been strengthened by these activities, but I have been enriched by them as well. My grandmother, who passed away when I was too young to remember her, sang a beautiful lullaby to her children. With the help of my uncle and an old recording I found, I’ve reconstructed the music she wrote and now I can sing it to my own kids. 

Did I do it for them? Yes. But does it bless me, too? Absolutely yes! As I sing it, I feel closer to my grandmother. I feel like I am not alone in the difficult task of raising little ones. She did it. Her mother did it. I can do it, too. Just like my kids are drawing strength and identity from these stories, I am too!

Getting Your Kids Excited About Family History

I’ve seen what a difference it has made in my family to share these stories and I highly recommend trying it out with your own family. You can even involve grandparents and other relatives and have them tell stories and do activities with your children when you visit.

It’s ok to start small and simple! Start today by telling one simple ancestor fact or story at the dinner table. It could even be a story from your own childhood. Tell another story tomorrow. Next week, hang a picture of an ancestor on the wall to remind you to tell more stories. When you run out of stories, call your mom or grandpa and ask to hear another one. Everyone has stories waiting to be told!

When you have the time and energy, you can plan a variety of activities, as elaborate or simple as you want. Our family has enjoyed treasure hunts, playing old-fashioned games, dressing up as ancestors, building forts, coloring pictures, learning languages, making jewelry, solving puzzles, planting flowers, celebrating ancestors’ birthdays, making maps, writing poems, and more! With each activity, you simply begin by telling a brief story about yourself, a family member, or an ancestor. Then do an activity with your children that relates to the story, which makes it real, and memorable.

I believe that making our ancestors come alive to our children has power. They will feel they are part of something bigger. They will feel secure when their own lives get crazy and when bad things happen in the world. They will feel confident that they can succeed. As mothers, we can tap into the power of family stories. I know our children can be better when they remember who they are and who came before them.

QUESTION: What story can you tell your family tonight at the dinner table?

CHALLENGE: Find one family history story to share with your kids this week. It can be from your own life, your parents, grandparents, or some other ancestor. And if you’re excited about bringing family history alive with your children and want more ideas, check out Charlotte’s book: Turning Little Hearts—Over 90 Activities to Connect Children with their Ancestors.

Edited by Kimberly A. Price.
Images provided by the author.

The post Turning Little Hearts appeared first on Support for Moms - Power of Moms.

Recently I joined a Facebook group called “The Best Month Ever” based on the book

I was more of a silent observer in the group, and it was fun to read along as people set some pretty lofty goals: lose 15 pounds, start a business, write a book, etc. However, I struggled to come up with my Best Month Ever goal as I couldn’t quite figure out what big thing I needed to be reaching for. Here’s what the entire endeavor taught me:

I like my life.

I like being a mom. I like the mundane (except cooking—never cooking).  I like waking up in the morning and planning what I’m going to organize, what errands I’ll run, whom I will talk to, how I will serve. I find joy in my 15 minutes of religious study and my half hour of morning yoga.

I like making a cup of hot chocolate for my daughter and handing it to her as she walks out the door. I like morning prayers and a kiss with my husband and the sound of my boys coming home from school. I like calls from my college sons and lunch with my mom. I like good talks with friends, the chance to serve with good people, and meaningful worship every Sunday.

Sure, I have hard times and worry and stress. There are stages in life I’m not eager to repeat, and I spend my fair share of sleepless nights trying to solve the world’s (or the marching band’s) problems. It’s not that I don’t have big aspirations of my own. Someday I would like to be a speaker and a writer, go on a religious or humanitarian trip, and travel the world. Someday.

But for now, these “small” things are enough. Not everyone has to be striving for a big life change. Our dreams can be small, such as focusing more on our children or enjoying the everyday of life. We can make small changes that help us see and appreciate the life that we are already living.

I spent my month focusing on gratitude for my simple—some may say boring—life and appreciating my blessings and relationships. I may not have had the loftiest goals, but I can honestly say, I did have The Best Month Ever.

QUESTION: Take time to consider your overall life satisfaction. Is there something big you could accomplish that would bring you more happiness? Or could focusing more on gratitude for the good things in your life increase that satisfaction?

CHALLENGE: Set a goal to change something that will bring you more happiness OR set a goal to deliberately feel and express gratitude for the good things in your life.

Originally published on September 1, 2016.
Edited by Lisa Hoelzer and Amanda Lewis

The post My “Best Month Ever” Wasn’t What I Thought It Would Be appeared first on Support for Moms - Power of Moms.

I never intended to be someone who moved around often. As a young girl, my life goal was to live within walking distance to my mother my entire life. But—as is so often the case—things have not gone according to plan. 

Soon after having our first child, my husband and I purchased a starter home in my beloved home state of Utah. Not long after, my husband was accepted to graduate school, an adventure that relocated us across the country to the beautiful state of North Carolina. Two years later, an exciting job opportunity brought us to America’s heartland in the lovely state of Iowa. Five years later, another job opportunity took us to the southernmost tip of the country where we currently reside, Miami, Florida.

Over the last ten years, our now family of six has lived in four different states—a far cry from the life I’d always planned. There have certainly been days, weeks, and even months scattered throughout our moves when I have struggled to feel at home, because home kept changing zip codes. 

But looking back, I can honestly say that I’ve grown to love each and every place we’ve lived. I believe there is beauty to be found in every destination. Today I’m sharing three tips on how to love where you live: find your people, find your place, and find your thing.

First, find your people. This might be the hardest tip to implement but creating a sense of community is key in making any place feel like home. When moving to a new location, make a deliberate effort to reach out and create connections. There is no right way to do this and it can be as casual or formal as you’d like. 

In the past, we’ve been most comfortable inviting a family from church, work, or grad school over for dinner. I like to keep the menu simple and often invite our guests to bring a side dish or dessert.

Also, if I happen to meet another mom at a local park and see that our kids are hitting it off, I’ve asked if she’d like to meet up in the future for another park play date. You could also attend a local group fitness class and get to know the people next to you. Or invite your neighbors over for a pickup game of baseball in your backyard (if you’re feeling shy, send your kids next door to do the inviting). 

Whatever form of reaching out is comfortable for your family, do it. And if your first friend-making efforts don’t result in your next life-long-friend, take heart. These things take time, but with practice comes progress.

Second, find your place, which is another way of saying find a local destination your family loves. 

When we lived in North Carolina, we lived near Sarah P. Duke Gardens, basically the most beautiful public gardens you can imagine. With my husband spending long hours in class, my kids and I made a habit of regular picnics at the gardens. I would load my two little ones in our old sedan, pack a lunch of ham sandwiches, apple slices, and chocolate chip cookies, grab a blanket (or with any luck there was still one left in my car from our last picnic), and drive over to the gardens. My daughters and I would feast on our humble lunch, inevitably smearing chocolate chips everywhere, and then I’d let the kids run wild. 

Those little outings refueled my soul. Yes, the sunshine was wonderful. Yes, the outside play wore my girls out enough to guarantee long afternoon naps. But it was more than that. Those gardens we visited so regularly became our place, and that helped us feel at home.

Since then, we’ve continued to search out “our place” in each of our new home towns. In Iowa there was a local ice cream shop that could not be topped. We visited it countless times and I still daydream about eating a generous helping of raspberry white chocolate ice cream. In Florida, we visited many different beaches in our area and eventually stumbled upon one that was far off the tourist circuit and offered the sandy beaches and warm ocean that we love. It has since been dubbed our beach.

One pro tip for finding your place: don’t hesitate to ask locals for recommendations. Most people love to brag about their hometown and would happily recommend a destination for a great burger, beautiful hike, or some other best-kept secret.

Third, find your thing, meaning intentionally consider what things your family will need in order to enjoy your new location. 

For example, we spent two teeth-chattering winters in Iowa—our first winter there was appropriately named “the polar vortex” by national news media—before I finally wizened up and realized that the old, ill-fitting coat I’d been wearing was not actually keeping me warm. For my next birthday, I requested a new, very warm, but moderately priced winter coat. This beauty made all the difference. It zipped up high around my neck, wrapped snuggly around my wrists and kept out the biting winter winds. With the proper attire, suddenly I could enjoy playing with my children in the ever-abundant snow and I felt happier about living in Iowa.

Having learned my lesson, I made sure that one of the first things I did when we moved to Florida was find the necessary gear, which included purchasing a beach wagon to make our regular visits to the beach (with four small children and all of their stuff) much easier. If our next move takes us to the pacific northwest, you can bet I will invest in a raincoat. And if your budget is tight, thrift shops are a great option for finding gently used items.

Yes, moving is difficult, but it doesn’t have to stay that way. By intentionally trying to find your people, find your place, and find your thing, you will see the beauty in wherever you are. You too can love where you live.

QUESTION: What is one way that you can actively work toward finding your people, your place, or your thing where you live now?

CHALLENGE: From the three tips above, choose one way that you will strive toward loving where you live this week. 

Edited by Kimberly A. Price
Image provided by the author.

The post How to Love Where You Live appeared first on Support for Moms - Power of Moms.

Then my life failed to progress the way I had planned when no babies were forthcoming. Despite our best efforts, and those of our fertility doctor, I did not get pregnant. Eventually we adopted a beautiful 14-month-old boy from China. I progressed into motherhood!

The progress continued as our little son grew into a thriving toddler and then a smart and witty preschooler. Then we adopted again, this time a sandy haired two-year-old boy from Russia, with dark circles under his eyes and a playful personality. It’s been two years since we adopted our second son.

My oldest son is now a super smart six-year-old who is a kindergarten champ, just like I was when I was his age. This I understand. This child of mine I get. I know how to keep the progress moving forward with him.

With my second son, it is different.  Due to trauma in his early years, he is often angry and is progressing at his own pace. His pace and my pace don’t match. He is not where other almost four-year-old children are in learning and development. Sometimes the lack of progression makes me feel like I am failing.

Sure, we are making progress. We have found a few interventions that help ease the anger, the early life trauma, and the ADHD my son has. I have let go of some of my own anger that life hasn’t turned out how I had planned. And through it all, I have always loved this beautiful child of mine.

One morning when I was driving my six-year-old to school, he asked, “When people say they are in a ‘storm,’ do they mean a real storm with rain, or do they mean a rough time in their lives?”

“It could mean either one. Why?”

“Because I heard someone say the other day that we shouldn’t wait for the storm to end. We should learn to dance in the rain. Dancing in the rain sounds like fun, don’t you think, Mommy?”

“I do think that, Doodle. Dancing in the rain is exactly what we should do!”

And he is right. It does sound like fun. My “storm” might not pass. It may ease up into a gentle drizzle. It may whip itself back into a frenzy of hard rain pelting me until I feel as though I will fall from the weight of it all. It may brighten a little as the sun pokes through the dark clouds. But it might always be storming.

I might always have early life trauma masked as ADHD and other behavior issues taking center stage in my life. I might always have Individual Education Plans, adaptive equipment, odd behaviors, and chaos to handle. I might always have total strangers judging me in public because my seemingly “normal” child is acting out. I might always have family members who don’t understand that large crowds, even crowds of family, will send my little man into a downward spiral. I may always have behavior charts. My future storms may include a boy who is unable to maintain friendships. Sometimes this reality is daunting.

But even though it is storming, I should learn to dance in the rain. I should dance every day when there is no fight over what my youngest will wear to preschool or what he will eat for breakfast. I should dance when he lets me walk away from him at daycare without any screaming or tears. I should dance when we get through the grocery store without him throwing the food out of the cart. I should dance when he laughs at Curious George on TV or when he follows along with Dora, helping her complete whatever mission she is on that day.

I should dance when he lets me read him a book at bedtime, without rolling all over the bed and walking away. I should dance when he tries a new food or uses the potty. I should dance when my little family has a successful dinner out at a restaurant or when we have a great time together at the park. Every day there are reasons to dance in the rain. Every day there is progress.

And the progress isn’t just from my youngest son—I have learned and changed as well. I no longer think my life has to be how I always dreamed it would be in order for it to be perfect. I no longer crave quiet and order. I fully understand now why judging other mothers is so very harmful. I have a little more patience and a little more understanding. I can let go of the “dream” in order to embrace my new normal.

And in the end, I am honored to be the mother of two healthy, fun, and smart little boys. Together they have taught me to think about life differently, to be more patient, and to slow down. They have taught me to dance in the rain. And I would say that is progress.

QUESTION: How have you found joy amidst ongoing trials and frustration?

CHALLENGE: Take time to notice the things that are going right in your life. Count your blessings and try to see the good, so that the next time your life isn’t progressing as you wish it would, you can find reasons to “dance in the storm.”

Originally published on August 21, 2013.
Images provided by Beth Wilkison.

The post Finding Reasons to Dance appeared first on Support for Moms - Power of Moms.

One year in early March, my three oldest boys voluntarily decided to do a No Sugar Challenge until Easter. We were shocked. Teachers and coaches kept asking if they were doing it for Lent, and I’m afraid that while we are very much Christian, Lent has never been part of our Easter observance. My kids responded with “What’s that?”

It was amazing to hear them come home daily and tell yet another story about how they passed on cupcakes, candy, and more. We really didn’t expect them all to stick with it, especially the pre-schooler.

Probably my biggest concern was that people were thinking I had coerced them! I have great kids, don’t get me wrong, but they love treats, they fight, they break things. We have plenty of what you’d expect in a house of boys. I found myself hoping they made it clear it was their choice and they were not forced by their mom the health nut. 

I enjoy a treat every once in a while, but in a world that sometimes seems to be fueled by sugar (especially for kids) it can feel like it’s taking over. And while we do enjoy a decent amount of sugar, I believe that for our family, it’s important to teach our kids that sugar can take a toll and we should do our best to keep it a treat. 

Here are a few things that are helping our family:

Choosing Progress Over Perfection

While it’s easy to become uptight and frustrated about what can feel like excessive sugar consumption, it can be just as easy to throw caution to the wind and let kids have all they want. Even though we’ll all have seasons when we’re just glad to have food in the house at all, we’ll also have times when we can reap the benefits of creating healthier habits. 

When we can acknowledge life’s imperfections yet keep striving to do better in spite of them, it opens the door to small improvements. When I stop to look back and appreciate how far we’ve come, I’m amazed at how those small improvements have led to big progress. Finding peace with the right approach for your season of life will trickle into your interactions and go a long way to avoid unnecessary frustration for everyone.

Set the Example

While I’m far from perfect, my kids notice my choices. They notice and frequently comment when I make healthier choices, and I never dreamed the no sugar challenge would have rubbed off on them. Finding any area where we can make incremental improvements can be an opportunity for discussion and growth, especially when focused on caring for the magnificent gift of our bodies. 

Society needs us to teach kids that healthy habits are about much more than appearances and numbers on the scale. Our kids need the critical message that healthy habits are about all of the good we can do when we care for our health. So whether it’s a no sugar challenge, some extra veggies, fewer treats, or water over soda, finding a little something we adults can do to improve will grab kids’ interest. When they ask, it’s a great time to talk about the power of healthier habits. 

Create Healthier Versions of Favorite Treats

Just because I don’t buy much refined sugar anymore, doesn’t mean we don’t still love treats to celebrate birthdays and holidays. Over time I’ve found recipes we love for simple, healthier versions of ice cream, brownies, cakes, and more. The additional time is minimal and the tradeoff is fantastic. We feel good afterward, and my kids learn that they can celebrate and take care of their bodies at the same time. I love celebrating growing older by investing in our future health.  

Every once in a while, when it’s too much work to make a healthy version of a much-loved treat, it does make sense to let someone else do the cooking. Once when my kids really wanted to carry on our cinnamon rolls tradition and I didn’t want to take the time to make it happen, I purchased a few large cinnamon rolls from a local bakery and cut them in half. They still got to enjoy the treat, but I kept the quantity to a minimum. Sometimes just finding ways to have less will make a big difference! 

Consider a Bribe

For a child or teen not totally on board with the no sugar challenge, a reward may make it fun and exciting. One of my son’s pre-teen friends has agreed to go without sugar for a year in exchange for $100, except for a few agreed-upon special occasions. He’s pretty excited about the deal and it makes it much easier for him to say no thanks to candy and soda when he’s away from home. 

Just Keep Trying

Even when my kids end up eating a lot of sugar, I’m inspired by my brother-in-law, Keith, who as a young child received “Harvest Baskets” filled with healthy goodies instead of traditional candy-filled Easter baskets. Even though outside influences eventually led to this tradition being discontinued, the influence of his mom’s commitment to health carried on. Keith gained an appreciation for healthy eating and assures me that my boys will “feel the difference” when they leave home. 

Although sometimes I wish I had a delete key I could use to remove most of the sugary temptations that surround us, the no sugar challenge taught me that I didn’t necessarily want to remove it completely. But as I keep trying to find the best ways to fuel myself and my family, it becomes easier and easier to bypass the short-term indulgences and enjoy the benefits of better habits. Ever so slowly I see my boys gaining an appreciation for their magnificent bodies and gradually making healthier choices. Helping them tune into that internal compass is one of the lasting ways I can have an impact on their health, so I’m going to keep trying no matter what.  

QUESTION: Do you think kids eat too much sugar? 

CHALLENGE: Find one small way to cut back on the sugar in your home.

Edited by Kimberly A. Price
Image provided by the author.

The post How My Kids Did No Sugar appeared first on Support for Moms - Power of Moms.

In 2009, after hearing about a family journal from a dear friend, I decided to add that tradition to our Monday nights as well. The idea was to have each child share the highlight of their week and record it. Over time, I started to add a paragraph at the top telling what our lesson had been about that evening and what we had eaten for dinner. I am a foodie, so I thought this was interesting to see our ever-changing menu over time. I would end the page with my highlight of the week and thoughts as well.

The kids didn’t completely appreciate this time we took to record our history, but, Monday after Monday, I recorded our life in a short synopsis on a 5X7 page. We enjoyed reading back on it from time to time, seeing what we were doing the year before. We started to notice patterns and traditions that I hadn’t thought much about. One busy summer, we wrote infrequently, but still, at least each month, I would try to write.

In March 2010, I had a devastating miscarriage, what would have been our 6th child. I remember that it happened on a Monday. After that, and I don’t know exactly why except that my heart was hurting and I was struggling to see the highlights of my week, I stopped writing altogether. That year seemed like one of the harder ones, and I remember being happy to put it behind me.

Probably once every six months, I would record on a Monday night, but the rhythm had been broken and I would forget most times. I often would see that book and long to pick it up, but I wouldn’t. I had fallen too far behind. I couldn’t catch up. I couldn’t remember all the time lost.

Tonight I decided it is time to start again. As I read back over the last few years, the kids loved it! They kept asking me to “read another one!” They loved hearing about their little selves from the past and what they had been doing.

I began to think about how reading these memories made me feel happy. It was proof of our lives, proof that we were living a great story together, even if it was not always easy. I thought of the last few years and how I had struggled to see some of my blessings, how I had let the sadness of the miscarriage stop me from feeling gratitude deeply.

Tonight, I am committing to myself to keep the Monday Journal going. As I look through the pages, I feel some grief over the lost time and the gaps between entries, but I have to put the lost months and time behind me and be okay with starting again, right where we are at.

This is a small and simple thing I can do to record my family’s history, but I know that the big reward is for me to focus on my gratitude again and, no matter my personal hurts and trials, to see all of the joy in my life and the lives of my children…at least once a week.

QUESTION: What do you do on a regular basis to foster gratitude and awareness in your life? How do you help your children do the same?

CHALLENGE: Consider starting your own “Once-a-Week Family Journal.” You don’t need anything fancy…a journal from the dollar store or a spiral notebook will do.

Originally published November 17, 2014.
Edited by Rachel Nielson.
Image from Shutterstock/Graphics by Julie Finlayson.

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My husband, Stephen, likes to cook.

Stephen likes to cook.

Over the years it has very naturally and progressively become an enjoyable hobby for him. So much so that he began ‘bossing my kitchen‘. When I was cooking dinner, he would gradually start to take over: adding this or that, chopping my veggies, rewriting recipes that I was using. You know, bossing it!

I’ll admit at first I was in love with this. Who wouldn’t love their husband to voluntarily take over dinner every night? This is every woman’s dream. And it was. Until I started to feel bad about it.

Wasn’t my cooking good enough? I’m the mother in this home. My job is to take care of our home and part of that includes feeding the family and preparing their food. I wasn’t a slacker, I loved and embraced my role, so for heaven’s sake, stop bossing my kitchen!

For a while a little seed started to grow within me. Every time he would come in the kitchen, I would get mildly offended. Nothing worthy of an argument or anything, just an underlying nudge at my inadequacy. I knew that I could not let the seed of resentment grow.

I don’t know when it happened, perhaps when I decided to stop watering that seed, but over time I began embracing this gift of his. He really did love it. I found that his intention was never to ‘boss my kitchen’ but quite the opposite.  In fact, I realized that I was the one allowing myself to feel this way. Him bossing my kitchen had more to do with me than it had to do with him.

Soon I started buying things at the grocery store to encourage his creations. Ultimately I began to work right alongside him. I found, once again, that when we completely love and support each other, we make a great team. Together we started to create amazing things.  I developed a love and a pride for his talents and stopped allowing his gift to diminish how I felt about what I lacked. More often than not, I believe that the perceived ‘more skilled or talented’ person is not attempting to ‘show you up’ with their talents, but are simply oozing the gift with which they have been blessed and desire to share it. This was absolutely true for him.

Fast forward to Wednesday.

Wednesday was the first day of school, a day full of reminders that I am always a mama even when they are at school. Within an hour of the kids leaving, I had a text from Chip needing a paper signed and a text from Simon telling me how badly his eye hurt. (Simon had done something to his eye while at football camp three weeks earlier and the infected eye had never quite recovered.)  I called the doctor who insisted he needed to be seen immediately but that the only time available was 3:00 pm, right when the babies would come home from school. Romantic ideas of long talks with the kids when they came home from their first day of school quickly disappeared, and I planned the remainder of my day accordingly.

At 3:15, while waiting in the doctor’s office, I began to thumb through Instagram, my go-to while waiting for children. Picture after picture depicted kids in new school clothes on their first day back to school, including comments about proud mamas missing their babies. Perhaps it was timing, but about every third post depicted a plate of cookies ready for the return home of happy children, with joyful June Cleavers waiting to hear all about ‘it.’   I am confident there are several of those posts from my own life written from years past; regardless, a familiar feeling returned. An underlying nag. These mothers were ‘bossing my motherhood.’ It was as though they had marched into my home, shoved me out of the way, and reminded me that they were better mothers than I was.

I half jokingly sent this text to my sweetheart: “I have been the worst ‘first day of school mom’ on the planet.”

“No.” He responded simply.

“No really,” I continued, “just ask Instagram.”

He came back with: “Worst Instagram mom ever!!”

Laughing, I responded, “No really I am. While every other mom is baking cookies with their kids and asking about their day, I’m at the doctor with my child whose eye I have ignored for two or three weeks.”

A few minutes later we were in to see the doctor, only to find out that Simon had had a contact lodged in his eye for three weeks. (More signs of awesome parenting and acute teenage awareness!)

On our way home, Simon and I chatted about his day. When I returned home to my babies, we chatted about theirs. No special treat was waiting for them and dinner was Taco Bell, but you know what? I was completely over that moment of self-pity in the doctor’s office. I was completely over myself.  As quickly as the sting of comparison came that day, it left–because I know without a doubt that no one can ‘boss your motherhood’ unless you let them.

Motherhood looks so different for every mother, because the sacrifice is so individual. Each day looks different. Each task looks different. Each moment looks different.  Motherhood cannot be defined with a single afternoon of freshly baked cookies and warm greetings. While those are incredible perks and cushions of happiness for anyone, they simply cannot ‘define’ motherhood. If they did, the majority of humanity would be living with the worst “Instagram Mom” ever.

Motherhood is setting aside self, no matter what that looks like. Motherhood is doing what your child needs, when they need it, even when it costs you your ideal. Motherhood doesn’t seek for accolades or pats on the back, but looks to boost and lift others, with no thought for self and constant affirmation.

I cheer on those women that were home that day to greet their children with heavenly-scented cookies. Their gift to nurture was oozing that day and they wanted to share it.  I also cheer on those women who weren’t able to do that because their sacrifice looked different. Their love may not have manifested itself as a beautiful picture on Facebook or Instagram, but it was felt in the lives of their children.

The bottom line is that no one can boss your motherhood unless you let them. Your motherhood is your offering and no one else’s. Find confidence in your individual offering. Find confidence in your sacrifice and the way that you show your love.

QUESTION: Have you ever felt “bossed” on how to be a mother? How does it make you feel?

CHALLENGE: Find one way that you are being “bossed in motherhood.” Think of a way you can replace your feelings of inadequacy with a creative sacrifice of mothering that is special to you and your child.

Originally published on April 9, 2015.
Edited by Elsje Denison and Rachel Nielson.
Photos from Rachel Hixon.
Feature Image from Shutterstock with graphics by Julie Finlayson.

The post Bossing My Motherhood appeared first on Support for Moms - Power of Moms.

There is such beauty in every season; however, in the middle of each, there are undoubtedly days of monotony and dread. And by the end, we often feel ready for the new season ahead.

Just as the seasons are in a constant cycle of change, so are our lives. Each stage of motherhood, from the baby years to the teenage years, comes with its own set of joys and challenges. I’ve realized that the less we focus on wishing away the season we are in, the more we can appreciate the joyful and beautiful parts of that season. Here are three things that can help you embrace the season you are in:

1. Take pictures and write in your journal.

If you are a mom of a teenager, how much do you love going through those old photos from when your child was two or three years old? When he or she was just so darling and depended on you for everything? Chances are, the first thoughts that come to you when you reflect on those times are feelings  of love and tenderness. You will hardly remember the exhaustion and the Cheerios on the ground. Instead your mind will go to a happy place full of memories you treasure.

Make sure to document each season of your life in photos and journals. Those images and words will remind you of the days that passed by in the blink of an eye. I remember one particular “blowout” diaper I experienced while changing one of my babies. I won’t share the details, but let’s just say that by the end both my baby and I needed a change of clothes. My first thought was logistical, thinking how to minimize the damage and get things cleaned up as quickly as possible. But then I stopped to laugh a little, and I had my five-year-old snap a picture of us. It wasn’t a glamorous moment, but I knew right then that one day we would look back and laugh at that moment of chaos!

2. Focus on your priorities.

Lower your expectations for doing everything you want to do right now. Have you heard the expression, “You can have everything you want, just not all at once”? That’s exactly right. In whatever phase you are in, take a moment to list out your priorities. What is most important to you in this phase of life?

Sometimes we might like to do something, but it’s really not feasible in the season we’re in, and we have to be okay with that. By being realistic and paring down our to-do list and expectations, we can use the time we have to enjoy and be present. Let go of worrying about things that simply are not cut out for this time of your life. Perhaps that opportunity will be possible in the next season.

I like to keep a tidy house, and in the past I have found myself cleaning up toys several times a day or resenting my children for making mess after mess. I realized at the end of one particularly exhausting day that if I had just let my kids play and had tried to live with the mess a little better, instead of forcing frequent cleanups, we could all have settled for just one big cleanup at the end of the day and had the same end result. While it’s important to instill good cleaning habits in our children, it doesn’t hurt to just let them be little. While doing so, we can try to remember that one day we won’t be stepping on Legos.

3. Love as much as possible.

While we all know there are aspects of motherhood that are anything but glamorous, what if we chose to approach everything we did regarding our children with love?  What if we sang a silly song while changing the umpteenth diaper? What if we forced our teenagers into a hug before they left the house each morning? What if we agreed to put on a superhero cape and spend time imagining with our toddler? When we take the time to love, we will be focused on the positive instead of on the negative. Before we know it, we might just love whatever season we’re in more than we used to.

Potty training was an absolute nightmare at our house. If you couple lack of motivation with power struggles, then you’ve got the picture. I’m not proud of how I parented during many of those days. However, when my husband came home at night and took over potty duty, I would often overhear him singing a silly potty song to my son while he was in the bathroom with him. Sure enough, it took the pressure off, and my son went. Why didn’t I think of that?  Instead of becoming resentful that being goofy wasn’t my natural go-to during this event, I decided to go for that same approach the next day, and guess what? It helped! As I took the pressure off of both of us in that situation, I saw my little guy for the sweet, three-year-old that he was. Love and laughter was the answer.

Don’t let any season pass before you appreciate it for what it is. One day you will wish for those nightly newborn snuggles or incoherent toddler conversations or hilarious teenage antics. If you are in the trenches of motherhood at this very moment, you’re in luck, because it’s not too late. Look around you and smile. You are where you are supposed to be right now, and in a year or two or ten, you’ll be in a new place thinking fondly on the “good old days.”

Don’t let yourself wish away the present season for the hope of something better or easier down the road, because “down the road” will come with it’s own set of challenges. You’ll never get this day back, so truly live it and love it.

QUESTION: What season of motherhood are you in right now? What do you find especially hard about it? What do you love about it?

CHALLENGE: Find a time to record memories in writing or pictures at least four times in the next month. Focus on documenting precious things about the season you are in right now. Try to plan for and establish a pattern you would like to continue into the future.

Originally published March 28, 2016.
Edited by: Katie Carter and Becky Fawcett.
Image from Shutterstock; graphics by Julie Finlayson.

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Last year I took a handful of watercolor painting classes. The instructor would catch me hesitating on something and proclaim “It’s only paper!” I knew that. I knew nothing would be lost but a few cents of paper and a little bit of time. But it didn’t stop me from freezing up. Then, in my anxiety, I would overthink the painting and make color choices I would later regret. I let the fear of failure take the fun out of trying something when there was very, very little at stake. 

Other times I would paint with reckless abandon. These were always the pieces I liked the most. These, too, would be marred by mistakes. Whoops! That paint splatter wasn’t intentional! But in my free-spirited mood, I would embrace it and add more splatters to give it friends or turn them into leaves falling. My failures taught me to be creative. My fear only ruined the fun.

There were other times, though, when my mistakes and failures have had higher stakes. When I was serving as a women’s leader in my church, I made some poor choices. One of those caused heartache for a woman I had been desperately trying to help. Grace turned that “paint splatter” into falling leaves, though. I gained her forgiveness, became her friend, and even introduced her to her future husband.

On many a hike, I’ve learned that a small stumble may prevent a larger fall. And I love this quote by Saint Therese of Lisieux, “O happy failure, from how many evils have you saved me!”

Intellectually, I am deeply grateful for the mistakes and failures I’ve experienced. They have taught me much more than my successes and good fortune. But instinctually, I am ashamed of them, and often don’t try something for fear of failure.

So, this year I plan to seek the blessings and the lessons of failure! With any luck, I will show my children not to fear mistakes.

In my day-to-day life, I am constantly asking “Am I failing my family?” I lose my temper. What am I even feeding them? I have no idea how to discipline. Where will this current path of parenting lead them? Does my husband know how much I really love him? Am I nurturing our marriage? This is not just paper! These are our immortal souls! 

I need to stop obsessing over failure and have faith in the compounding effect of small efforts to improve every day. My mistakes and failures are not final. They are not being kept on a scorecard. 

How am I dealing with the failures of my children? Am I instilling fear or teaching them to grow from it? When they mess up, I don’t want them to think, “Mom is gonna be so mad.” I want their reaction to be, “I need Mom.”

My friend, artist Megan Schaugaard, posted something she learned about mistakes from her own mother. “It’s all a process—even the failed attempts aren’t worthless if they help us grow. This painting my mom did before I was born was hung in our house for as long as I can remember and is still on my parent’s wall today. If you look closely, she missed a letter in ‘beginning.’ But she didn’t toss it and call it worthless. I love that it still had a place on our wall regardless of the misspelled word. It reminds me that life isn’t perfect but that every step to get there is of value. It also helped me remember that though none of us are perfect, we are loved and still have a ‘place on the wall.’”

I currently have dozens of writing ideas in my drafts folder. They’re imperfect. They’re partially developed. And because of my fear of failure, they’ve sat there for months to years. Some of them have lost all meaning to me and I don’t even know where I was going with it when I abandoned it. I don’t vow to stop doing this, because that is unrealistic. But I vow to try and let the flawed, incomplete and underdeveloped ideas get out of “drafts” and into “published” more often. It’s only (digital) paper! There is a place for it on the “wall!” The more I do with passion and the less I do with perfectionism, the more I will grow.

So, who’s with me?

QUESTION: How do you feel when you fail or make a mistake? What has a fear of failure held you back from trying?

CHALLENGE: Make a plan to do something this week that you’ve been avoiding because of your fear of failure! Cultivate a growth mindset in your home by modeling to your kids how to accept mistakes, learn from them, and move on. Actively point out to your kids when you make mistakes. 

This article originally appeared on Christy’s blog here.

Edited for Power of Moms by Kimberly Price.
Car image provided by the author.
Feature image from Unsplash.

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When you envision a trip to an art museum with your kids, does your blood pressure rise, imagining their little hands touching the precious, priceless art objects? Taking your kids to an art museum doesn’t have to end with the museum guards kicking your family out the door! I’ve taken my babies, toddlers, kids, and now teens to museums, and these family museum trips are a special part of our family culture. With a little preparation and a few proactive strategies in the galleries, your visit can be a success!

Planning a museum visit for the entire family:Buy tickets online, and for especially large collections, view a map and see if the museum has multiple entrances. You can avoid long lines by finding the lesser-known side or back entryway.

Pay close attention to the days and hours of operation. Many museums close on Mondays or Tuesdays. If you can go midmorning during the week, crowds are often much lighter. 

Check out the museum’s education site online. Often, museum educators will post games, blogs, podcasts, and videos made for families. These resources can help your kids get excited about the art they will see. Also, museum family events are usually free and often unforgettable. Whether it’s the Unicornfest at the Cloisters Museum in New York, the Pirates and Mermaids Party at the Yale British Art Center, or the Percy Jackson Audio Tour at the Getty Villa in Los Angeles, I haven’t met a kids’ museum program that I didn’t love!

Having a conversation with your kids about what kinds of art they are interested in can help guide your museum route. Egyptian art, Near-Eastern art, medieval collections, fancy furniture, and colorful contemporary art are popular types of art for many kids. 

If you and your kids aren’t sure what kind of art you like, head to the library and check out art books about a variety of different art movements. Reading about art and artists can build anticipation for your whole family!

Planning a museum visit with a baby:Be sure to pack a baby carrier. Strollers can be cumbersome and make the guards nervous! Also, bring a small diaper bag; many museums do not allow bags larger than a small backpack in the galleries.

Planning a museum visit with a teen:Ask your teen to research and plan part of your museum tour. They love having the freedom to choose what to see and the responsibility to teach your family something new. I also throw in a journal in case my teens are interested in sketching or writing during their visit. 

At the museum:Once you are at the museum, grab a map and look at it with your kids. Many museums have maps specifically for kids.

If you haven’t had a chance to see what is there, stop into the gift shop and let your child pick out a postcard with an object that catches his/her eye. Later, find the art object in the museum. 

Keep in mind that this is an experience for your child. This may be the hardest but most important suggestion of all. As much as you might want to detour to something else, surrender your interests to focus on making this meaningful for your kids. When we visit the museum with our entire family, including my husband, we often take turns, so we can have quality time with our kids and also see the art in other galleries. 

As you spend time in the galleries, be aware that most toddlers and preschoolers enjoy the museum up to an hour and then tire out. Pushing them beyond their limits may sour the experience. In my experience, it’s the toddlers who need the most interaction with their parents.

If your crew needs a little break, often there is a nearby sculpture garden or outdoor space where you can get some fresh air outside. You may also want to plan some time at a park before or after the museum to let your kids burn off some energy.  

At the museum with a toddler:Kids love pictures! Think of how much they love picture books! As long as your kids have someone as their guide to help them through the galleries, they will enthusiastically engage with the art they see. This can feel taxing, but it can be really fun—what is your toddler crazy about? Trains? Dragons? Princesses? Dogs? Can you look at the art through that lens?

I remember taking my son through the Yale British Art Center when he was two years old. He loved trains, and in the George Stubbs room full of paintings of animals, we talked about how a circus train was picking up each animal to join the circus. He loved it so much, we repeated going around in “our train” to pick up the animals three more times!

Ask questions and engage the senses: What are the smells, tastes, textures, or sounds of this place?Ask your kids questions that immerse them in the artwork: What would you put in that Greek vase? I’d put popcorn! Does that woman look like she would be a nice teacher to have at school? Do you think it would be cold to be on that boat? The more you can encourage your children’s imagination, the more they will find relevance in the art they are seeing.

As you leave the Museum:Art museum gift shops often have hard-to-find art supplies and beautiful art-themed toys that are worth checking out. I usually snap a photo of the gift-shop bookshelf, as there are often gems that I’ve never heard of (and then I order them all from the library!).

Taking kids to art museums is like any other parenting pursuit—the more time your family spends in museum galleries, the more fun and enriching these visits will become.

QUESTION: What cultural sites are nearby that you’d like to visit? What are your best strategies for navigating cultural sites with your kids?

CHALLENGE: Make a list of museums that you’d love to visit with your family and set a date to visit one of them! If you’re feeling ambitious, plan visits for once a quarter or even once a month! Think broader than just museums. There are also concerts, plays, dance performances, street art, and more!

Edited by Kimberly Price.
Image provided by the author.

The post Tips for a Family-Friendly Trip to the Art Museum appeared first on Support for Moms - Power of Moms.

For years, I was a stay-at-home mom to my two children, Emily (12) and Preston (8). Three years ago, when Preston started going to school full-time, I was offered a job as a teaching assistant in the kids’ school and it sounded like the perfect opportunity. Not only would I get to see them throughout the day, but I would also have the same days off, including summers. But the vacations were just a bonus. Having previously worked in human resources, I found that being around kids all day awoke a dream inside me that I didn’t even realize I had. I wanted to be a teacher. 

Growing up, I loved to play school with my dolls, but I never thought I had the confidence to be a teacher. Back in college, my biggest concern was getting good grades and being good enough to get a job. I took what I thought was the easy way out and decided to work in an office where I didn’t have to worry if kids would listen to me. But motherhood changed me. 

When I became a new mom, the worries that I had in college no longer seemed important. Emily suffered from colic, so she was constantly crying except when she was sleeping in half hour naps every two hours. She was also up several times a night and gave up naps when she was two. I didn’t think I could survive it, but I did. 

As she got older, I had to learn to navigate playgroups with children who were less aggressive than mine and other moms who seemed to have it all together. This was hard for a shy mom who suffered from anxiety. I didn’t think I could survive it, but I did. 

Then Preston was born with a heart condition, so my days were filled with worries about him breathing funny or Emily being too rough with him. Once again, I didn’t think I would survive it, but I did. 

With each passing year, the kids became more independent and old worries were replaced with new ones. These days, I worry about my daughter making friends and my son paying attention in class. I’ve learned that there will always be something to worry about, but I’ve also learned that I am strong enough to make it through it. 

So last year I decided that I wanted to have my own classroom. To be a teacher rather than a teaching assistant. 

When it came time to decide if I should go back to school, my old fears crept up, but this time something was different. I now had a whole bunch of success stories to look back on. So I decided I could take the leap. 

That is what motherhood does to you. 

It puts you in situation after situation where you wonder if you are ever going to make it and you don’t know how, but you do. It’s not perfect. There are many sleepless nights, but there are also many new days where you wake up and realize that you can handle whatever life decides to throw at you that day. 

These days, as I tuck my daughter into bed, I feel a little guilty that I don’t have as much time for her as I used to, but I also feel lucky to have been able to stay home with her for so many years. I feel thankful for the challenging situations that I have faced and overcome. I feel proud of the persistence I have shown to my daughter. Most importantly, I feel grateful for the confidence that she has helped me to grow. Someday soon, I will accomplish my dream of becoming a teacher and it will be all because first I was a Mom.

QUESTION: In what ways has motherhood changed you? Is there something that you might have been afraid to do before that you have the confidence to do now?

CHALLENGE: Make a list of things you are afraid to do. Choose one that you’d be willing to try now, however big or small, and make a plan to take that first step.

Edited by Sharon Brown and Nollie Haws
Image provided by the author.

The post Changed by Motherhood appeared first on Support for Moms - Power of Moms.

It was our first book club and as our discussion went on, I felt worse and worse. The book was an epic tale of a boy going on a quest: living his purpose, fulfilling his mission and making a difference in the world. The women in the club were talking animatedly, inspired by this book to live their purpose.

But I had no idea what my purpose was.

I came home discouraged and asked my husband for his thoughts. “What do you think my purpose is?”

Trying to be encouraging, he said, “Well, it’s to be a mom.”

I know why he said it: because motherhood was all I did, and really, all I had ever wanted to do. Besides, with four kids under six, my life WAS my kids. I loved them so much, and I thought that to be a good mom, I had to put them first on my list…and put myself last. From the moment one of them woke up in the morning, until I finally got them tucked in at night, I saw to their needs.

But no one was seeing to mine.

I was tired, worn out, and more than a little grumpy. Things were not going the way I planned.

Could this really be my purpose?

Things had gone according to plan BUT I didn’t feel like I thought I would. I was rushing around, feeling busy but not actually productive. My life felt chaotic and I was always dealing with the “urgent” and the next emergency. Sometimes the sense of overwhelm even blocked out the joy.

“But, isn’t this what I wanted?” I wondered. “Isn’t being a mom what it’s all about?” 

Yes…and no.

It took a trip to the doctor to learn what I was missing. After testing my cortisol, he told me my stress hormone was through the roof. “You have to find ways to lower your stress,” he said, “Do something that you enjoy.”

So, slowly at first, I started to make time for me. I got up a little earlier to do yoga. I asked my husband to put the kids to bed so I could take a hot bath. I let Curious George take over for half an hour so I could read a book.

I started to feel energized and excited about life again. I began to recognize my own worth and the unique talents I was bringing to motherhood. I discovered more about my purpose.

l learned that there is purpose in motherhood. But our purpose has to extend beyond our roles and responsibilities. Our purpose is not our job title—whether that’s mom or CEO.

Our purpose is what we bring to the world.

I learned that motherhood helps us find our purpose and that we have to live our purpose and bring our unique gifts and talents to motherhood.

I needed to learn what brought me joy. I needed to learn what helped fill my cup and reduce stress. For me, that meant taking time every day to move, to write, and to work on my goals. I needed to make sure I took care of myself so that I could take care of my kids. 

Imagine living your life with greater purpose. Imagine not just being busy, but moving forward clearly toward things you are excited about. Imagine living a life of meaning and fulfillment. That life can be yours.

QUESTION: What is your mission, your purpose, the thing only you can bring to the world?

CHALLENGE: Once you identify your purpose (or if you already know what it is), try to find ways to incorporate it into your mothering or in the time that you have just for yourself.

Edited by Sharon Brown and Nollie Haws.
Image provided by the author.

The post What is My Purpose? appeared first on Support for Moms - Power of Moms.

More often than I want to admit, I’m counting down the hours, minutes and seconds until my kids go to bed. I love them, but I’m tired. Why do kids so emphatically resist basic life functions like eating, sleeping, and pooping? Why do toys explode into every corner of the house? Why are repetition and volume the most powerful tools children have?

Finally, they’re in bed. Their breathing slows and their muscles slacken. Their mischief and squabbling evaporate into thin air. Their round cheeks push against their pillows and their fringe of eyelashes point down to their tiny noses and flower bud lips. Suddenly, shimmering over their tousled hair is a golden halo of innocence that erases the exhaustion caused by their incessant needs. 

Knowing they are safely nestled and asleep and that there will (most likely) be a couple of hours where no one says my name, suddenly my heart wakes up hungry for love, so I feed it. My heart feasts on picture after picture and video after video. It nibbles on that photo of Flora wearing a swimsuit at the table with her pudgy feet resting on either side of her cereal bowl. It indulges in the video of Millie passionately singing her made up songs with charming tunes (or lack thereof). It finishes with a quick scroll back a few years to see what overachiever Georgia was doing at her sisters’ ages.

Why is it that I was so ready for them to be asleep, but now I can’t get enough of them? 

During the day, there isn’t a lot of time or energy to relish beautiful moments when those moments are tucked between bills, brawling, bum-wiping, endless chores, and requests for snacks. But at night, those beautiful moments are frozen in time and magnified because there are no more distractions or demands on my energy. I can savor them; roll them around in my mind. They aren’t tucked between other less joyful moments—they’re the summary of the day.

It takes a lot of schlepping to get out the door. There’s the million trips up and down the stairs to make sure everyone has what they need. There’s the, “Get your shoes on. Now. NO. NOW. Go get your shoes on. No, you can’t wear that. Fine, wear whatever you want. Wait, why are YOU naked? I just got you dressed! No. Just get in the car. Okay, buckle. The bathroom? I asked you to go and you said you didn’t need to go! Hurry!”

There’s also the mental energy spent in making the plans—It’ll take this long to get there and we have this much time to do the thing and still get home for naptime/bedtime/mealtime. A mental inventory of everyone’s sleep the night before (emotional disposition), most recent meal and bathroom trip, and location of their precious items. Then there’s the complaining and the fighting. It’s all just…a lot.

No matter how prepared you are, it’s still a gamble whether an outing will go well. You could not have anticipated that her eye would swell shut out of nowhere while camping. Neither could you have planned for that beautiful bluebird that we stopped to watch build a nest. You could not have prepared for that spectacular tantrum. Neither could you have foreseen that moment when tiny hands pulled your face close for an Eskimo kiss.

All of the joy, all of the really good stuff comes at a price. And a lot of it is really easy to miss.

The cost of joy is work. So much work. The cost of joy is vulnerability, willingness, consistency, sacrifice, forgiveness, gratitude… all of that on top of the physical reality of life: jobs, chores, illness, finances, etc.

And yet joy itself is so accessible, so very simple.

Disneyland is awesome. But so is sharing a bowl of ice cream on the porch. A day free of worry is phenomenal. But so is a day of sticky floors and lost tempers and getting the pink race-car grocery cart and drawing her first family portrait and naming the squirrel that lives in the backyard.

Joy is the sound of the smoke detector going off every Saturday morning indicating that dad is making breakfast, and the one-year-old trying to fan the alarm with a towel, just like she’s seen her sisters and parents do since she was born. Joy is a worn-out mom tickling a pile of kids to distract them from their fight over whose identical toy is the one that is broken. Joy is the empathy of a toddler when you stub your toe.

Really, the cost of joy is just the effort it takes to sift out the good stuff and remember it at the end of the day. Because it’s always there. Every day. No matter what.

QUESTION: How do you capture the small moments of joy in your days?

CHALLENGE: Think of a way to relish the small joys of life with children—whether it is writing them down each night, talking with them over dinner as a family, or taking and viewing pictures of everyday events—and choose one to make a habit today.

This article originally appeared on Christy’s blog here.

Edited for Power of Moms by Sharon Brown and Nollie Haws.
Images provided by the author.

The post The Cost of Joy appeared first on Support for Moms - Power of Moms.

I have probably sat through a thousand library story times. My youngest child is now old enough to sit still for the full 30 minutes, and he’s captivated by the librarian’s voice and the colorful pages. 

I’ve had my years of chaotic library visits, though. My oldest son hated stroller rides, so we arrived with both of us (almost) in tears until I unbuckled him from his seat and rocked him for the entire story time. A couple years later I gently pushed my second baby back and forth in the stroller while my oldest enjoyed the puppet shows and songs. 

During the potty training phases, I balanced library books on top of the paper towel dispenser in the public bathroom, helping one child wash his hands while trying to keep another child away from the toilet bowls. Short tempers, bathroom accidents, whining for snacks, tears streaming down someone’s face—I’ve lived through it all!

In the eight years since becoming a mother, I would visit my local library after each one of our moves, find out their schedule of children’s programs, and attend religiously. I did this for a number of reasons.

One, I loved introducing my kids to new books, and I wanted them to love reading as much as I do. There’s a whole world of adventures and characters, and I still love reading to my children on the couch every day. 

Two, I needed to get out of the house on a regular basis! For years we lived in tiny apartments that felt even smaller during the snowy winter months. 

Three, I craved adult connection. I am a stay-at-home mom who lives far from extended family, and the hours of listening to cartoons and requests and bickering really wore me out as a young mother.

Even in a room full of moms and babies I don’t know, I feel less alone while at the library. Without even making small talk with the women next to me, I know we are all doing the best we can. 

I recognize the headstrong kids wearing mismatched outfits because their moms picked their battles that day. I hear the tantrums, the sobs, and the frequent requests to get a drink and use the potty. I see the baggy eyes and bulging diaper bags of the new moms who want to be prepared for everything. I see the friends who meet up to chat while their kids play. Everyone has a unique story and a different approach to parenthood, and yet we understand each other.

It’s a wonderful feeling to find a tribe in such an unlikely place. Sure, I love libraries because of free books and quiet corners to sit and read, but the kids’ story time group is one of my favorite communities—I am anonymous and just like everyone else at the same time. 

When a baby doesn’t want to sit still, other women nod in understanding while that mom follows her crawling cutie around the room. When a few toddlers forget what it means to “sit on their pockets” in the front row, there is zero judgment from the other parents and grandparents in the audience. Sometimes it’s a success to have even made it to the story rug at all.

As I sat in the story room recently with 20 parents and 30 toddlers, feeling the chaos and reveling in children running, crying, whispering, sitting, and playing with the curtains, I appreciated the entire experience. If you have stayed away because you think your level of chaos is “too much” for public places, you can sit by us. 

Are you a tired mom who is worried her kids aren’t well-behaved enough for another book? Are you a grandma doting on your grandkids for the day? Are you a dad giving your wife and newborn time for a nap at home? There’s room for you here. We’ve all been there, hanging by a thread. You’re doing great. Keep coming. You belong.

QUESTION: Have you been to your local library? Have you been to a story time or other program? 

CHALLENGE: Do you avoid going places or being in situations because you worry your kids are “too much?” Challenge those negative thoughts and take a new outing this month. Check out your library’s calendar of events and choose one to attend. They often have events for all ages and are free!

Edited by Ashley Dickson and Nollie Haws.
Image provided by the author.

The post Come to the Library appeared first on Support for Moms - Power of Moms.

Mom, you are doing the hardest job in the world! Be kind to yourself! In this month when we celebrate love, give a little (actually a lot) of that love to yourself! These three moms share ways they’ve tossed “mom-guilt” out the window and decided to be compassionate to themselves. 

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How I Won the Mom-Guilt Battle With Myself by Megan Harr

 

How One Phone Conversation Helped Me to Stop Feeling Mom-Guilt by Rachel Nielson

 

Instead of #momfail by Ann Wright Graham

 

 

Read by Ann Graham.

The post Audio Post: How I Won the Mom-Guilt Battle | How One Phone Conversation Helped Me | Instead of #momfail [Season 5: Episode 3] appeared first on Support for Moms - Power of Moms.

“Did you brush your teeth?” I asked my daughter.

“Yes,” she said in a flash. But she didn’t look me in the eyes, and I knew.

I asked her to open her mouth, and I could practically see her dinner crawling all across her teeth.

“Why did you lie to me?” I accused.

“I didn’t!” she insisted, with fear in her eyes.

“Yes, you did. I can see you didn’t brush your teeth. I can smell that you didn’t brush your teeth. I’m going to take away your favorite stuffed animal, and you’re going to brush your teeth in front of me.”

And I stomped down to her bedroom to steal her stuffed bunny and really teach her a lesson, goshdarnit. Lying would not be tolerated in this house.

She wailed. Oh, she wailed.

She fell to the floor.

She fabricated more lies to try and make her original lie disappear. I confiscated more favorite stuffed animals.

She sobbed.

She was nowhere closer to brushing her teeth, and I was nowhere near calm.

We were in a bad place.

And this scene repeated itself dozens of times for dozens of reasons.

She just kept lying.

She snipped off a lock of hair and blamed it on her friend. She ripped out the tassels of her sister’s bike’s handlebars, and blamed it on a friend. A roll of coins disappeared from my counter, and she… you guessed it—blamed it on a friend. She continued to tell me she brushed her teeth when she hadn’t—only there was no friend to blame in that situation.

My punishments became more severe: Weed the whole yard. No friends for a week. No stuffed animals for a week. No TV for a week.

And with every punishment, I explained, “All you have to do is tell the truth!”

But it just wasn’t sinking in.

During the months that this was happening, I was learning more and more about ADHD, and was beginning to suspect she had it for various reasons.

Then I came across an article on ADHD and lying.

Oftentimes, children with ADHD make impulsive or distracted decisions (cutting hair, reading a book instead of brushing teeth, grabbing coins off the counter). Once they realize what they’ve done, they immediately regret their decision, but they don’t know what to do to make it right. 

Maybe they wish it hadn’t happened, and the lie they then tell is their wish. Maybe the lie is a second impulsive decision. Maybe they truly believe they can make everything go away by telling a different version of the truth. Maybe they were distracted when they made their mistake and honestly don’t remember how they got where they are.

But the lie comes from shame and fear. It’s not malicious. It’s a coping mechanism.

This knowledge changed everything for me. I immediately flipped my strategies on their heads and tried a different approach. A loving approach. A forgiving approach. A connecting approach.

And this is what I turn to with each of my children when they lie, ADHD or not.

I’ve been using this approach for five years now, and it hasn’t failed me once. Does that mean it’s foolproof? Probably not. But it’s definitely a better place to start than the consequences I was dishing out.

How to Get Your Child to Stop Lying

When we found a chunk of hair missing from our daughter’s head, we asked what had happened.

She first told us her friend did it.

But we knew she was lying.

Instead of accusing and punishing, we stopped her and said, “Sweetie, we know your friend didn’t do it. We know you did. We want you to tell us the truth, even if you didn’t at first. This is your chance to tell the truth.”

She thought for a split second, and told us that she had been holding the scissors and her hair got too close. We knew this was closer to the truth, but not the full truth.

So we stopped her again, and said, “Thank you for telling us you are the one who was holding the scissors. But remember, you need to tell us the whole truth. You aren’t in trouble, even if you already weren’t truthful.”

To help her along, we said, “It looks like you cut your own hair. Take a second and think about what happened.”

She let out a breath, her shoulders relaxed, and she nodded. “I cut my own hair.”

With the truth finally out in the open, she was relieved.

We told her we were proud of her for telling us the truth when it was hard. And we were! She had been lying as a defense mechanism for quite a long time. To break away from that—even if it took a while—was monumental.

We hugged her and asked her to tell us what we can do to make sure she wouldn’t cut her hair again. She had some ideas, and we agreed to them.

And that was that. We didn’t punish her, and we didn’t shame her. She never cut her own hair again.

She did, however, lie again. But we were ready. We followed the same approach each time, and soon, the lying diminished until it all but disappeared.

When her siblings tell a lie, we follow the same steps. So far, this has worked every time.

The Approach We Use to Help Our Children Tell the Truth

1. Stop the Lie

For the most part, parents come equipped with excellent lie detectors. You know your child’s tells—they avoid your eyes, they stammer when they explain their version, they get angry. Whenever your lie detector dings and you sense your child is telling a fib, stop them. Don’t stop them with anger. Just gently stop them. The goal is not to catch them in a lie; the goal is to help them feel confident and trustworthy. So gently stop them from digging themselves deeper into a hole.

2. Hug

Hug them if they’ll let you. Making a connection at this point will calm both of you, and will communicate to both of you that your goal here is to solve this issue with love. If you can’t hug, make eye contact, get down on their level, or gently touch their arm. Don’t make them uncomfortable; just show love through touch if they want it.

3. Help, Don’t Accuse

Tell them you know what they did. Again, there’s no aim to catch them in a lie. Don’t ask them, “Did you feed the dog?” when you know they didn’t. Say, “It looks like you forgot to feed the dog.” This eliminates their fear because they know they don’t have to keep up a charade. The truth is already out in the open.

4. Give a Second (or Third or Fourth) Chance

If they don’t ‘fess up, encourage them to pause and try again. Give them a chance to tell the truth. Your goal is not to teach them a harsh lesson; it’s to help them be successful at telling the truth.

5. No Shame

Remember—no shame. No gotchas! Listen to their response. If they still lie to you, repeat #1, #2, #3, and #4. The goal is to foster a connection and to help your child succeed. Give them second chances. And third, and more—if they need them.

6. Connect

Stay close. Show love. Help them be successful in telling the truth.

7. Thank

When they do tell you the truth, thank them and tell them you’re happy they chose to be honest.

Of course, this won’t work for every single child. You may find you need to make your own variations, but when you approach the lie from a place of wanting to help your child be successful at telling the truth (NOT from a place of trying to catch them in a lie), you’ll find the right process and solution for your situation.

QUESTION: Do you have a child who struggles with lying?

CHALLENGE: Try out the seven steps in this article next time you know one of your children is lying. Share this article with your spouse right now so you can be on the same page.

This article originally appeared on Rebecca’s blog here.

Edited by Kimberly Price

The post How to Get Your Child to Stop Lying appeared first on Support for Moms - Power of Moms.

Like most mothers, my life is full and busy with family and work, and often there’s little time left for me at the end of the day. But the one thing I make time for at least once a day is to check in with myself. I’ve learned that to feel my best mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually, I need to be in the habit of checking in with myself—which means that I need to think about myself for a few minutes every day. Here’s why.

The Benefits of Self Check-Ins

Self check-ins are really just a way of practicing mindfulness. And the benefits of doing a self check-in are too numerous to discount. There’s a lot of scientific evidence that mindfulness has some huge advantages:

• Lowers depression and stress
• A greater sense of well-being
• Less dramatic moods swings
• Improved self-esteem
• A feeling of better physical health
  
  

Perhaps the most important of these benefits for me is boosting my overall well-being. When I take those few minutes each day to check in with what I’m feeling and thinking, I start to feel better about my day. I’m able to feel more engaged in what’s going on around me rather than sinking into my thoughts and feeling overwhelmed and stressed. Check-ins give me the platform to put things into perspective and recognize the different areas of my life, so I can put them into manageable chunks that make sense.

Four Ways To Do A Daily Check-In

The best way of practicing mindfulness and checking in with yourself is different for everyone. And there is no right or wrong way. Do what feels right for you. 

Journaling

One of the most effective ways for me to check in with myself is through journaling. I like the process of putting pen to paper and writing down my questions and answers. I’m able to set goals and focus clearly on my inner self. The whole point is to tap into my feelings and use writing as part of the cathartic process. Here is a great printable page I’ve been using to tape into my usual journal.

Quiet Time

Being quiet and still for even one or two minutes is another way to check in with yourself. You can do this almost anywhere—in the shower, stopped at a red light, or at your desk at work. On days when I feel the stress rising up, I add this check-in to my day. You can think of it as your mini check-in that lets you zone in just so you can be gentle and kind to yourself before carrying on with the rest of the day.

Meditation

When I have a bit more time and my husband can get up with the kids, a good way to start my day is by meditating. I focus on my breathing and reflect on the coming day. What am I thankful for? What makes me happy? What do I love about myself? These are all questions that make me connect with my inner self and start the day off on a positive note.

Taking a Walk

Check-ins can be done when taking a walk. This is the perfect time to get exercise while thinking about some deeper questions. What am I scared of that’s holding me back? Is there any negativity in my life that I can get rid of?

When To Check In

When I first started making a mental note to check in with myself, I often forgot, letting days go by before I remembered that I wanted to make this a daily practice. A good way to make self-care a routine part of the day is by putting it into your daily planner or setting an alarm on your phone. Carve out a time that works best for you, maybe first thing in the morning before you start your day or on your break at work. For me, the ideal time is just before I go to bed. I sit quietly without the distraction of my phone or the television and go through my checklist of questions. 

Questions for Self-Discovery and Mindfulness 

Most of the thoughts and questions that I use to check in with myself aren’t big or life-changing. They’re questions that make me think and reflect for a few minutes about my life and what I can do to feel happier and more fulfilled. It’s my way of touching base with my inner self, allowing myself to be open and honest about some of the things I’m thinking and feeling. 

These are some of my questions that you can use as a starting point for your own self check-in: 

• What inspires me?
• Am I making enough time to be social with friends?
• What new things do I want to try?
• What am I feeling frustrated about?
• Can I be kinder to myself and my loved ones?
• How am I feeling about my relationship with my partner?
• Do I need more from my partner?
• What is making me feel stressed at work?

I don’t always have time to go through all the questions, but that’s okay. And my questions change with what’s going on in my life and the things I know I should be focusing on. There are no rules to self check-ins. They’re simply a starting point to connect and be mindful of your life.

QUESTION: What questions will you include in your self check-in? Come up with some questions of your own that speak to your inner self. 

CHALLENGE: Set a timer and set aside a few minutes every day this week for your own self check-in. Try different methods—journaling, quiet time, meditating, or taking a walk. Or come up with your own way to use this mindfulness practice. 

For more ideas about how to incorporate mindfulness into your busy life as a mother, check out this article Book Summary: Breathe Mama Breathe.

Edited by Sharon Brown and Nollie Haws

The post Have You Checked in with Yourself Today? appeared first on Support for Moms - Power of Moms.

Valentine’s Day can be more than just a day to celebrate that “one special someone.” Here are three moms’ ideas about how couples and families can make this a special day of celebrating their

love. 

Three Easy Valentine’s Day Traditions for the Whole Family by Rachel Nielson

 

Staying Connected to Your Valentine All Year Long by Allyson Reynolds

 

A Valentine’s Day Lesson I Learned From My Dad by Sara Payne

 

Read by Ann Graham.

The post Audio Post: Valentine’s Day Traditions | Staying Connected to Your Valentine | A Valentine’s Day Lesson [Season 5: Episode 2] appeared first on Support for Moms - Power of Moms.

In an April 11 article published online by the American Academy of  Pediatrics, results of a research project showed that young mothers (average age 25)consume more sugar-sweetened beverages and saturated fat than women in the same age group without children, resulting in higher BMIs. And while the authors said these women may have had higher BMIs simply because they recently gave birth, they couldn’t explain why their eating habits were less healthy than women without children.

I can help them out.

I had my first child at age 26, and even after the rigorous discipline required to work my way through college and live as a missionary in Japan while learning a new language, motherhood kicked my hiney. For mothers, trying to prepare healthy meals with any sense of regularity and actually sitting down to eat them like a normal human being can feel like a herculean task when you have a home full of little people. Especially if one of those little people is an infant. Why?

1. Lack of sleep. I can’t speak for the other mothers of the world, but when I’m tired, I eat junk. Not only because the thought of washing and cutting up a bunch of veggies for a salad sounds about as appealing as changing another poopy diaper, but because my body is craving energy and knows the easy way to get it: sugar. I’ve never been a big soda drinker (I like my sugar in the form of “healthy” Power Bars), but I know more than one sleep-deprived mom who can’t get going in the morning without a big caffeinated soda. I can’t help but wonder if that explains the higher intake of sugar-sweetened beverages.
2. Lack of structure and routine. Especially for mothers of infants, everyday life loses all sense of structure and routine. Gone are the days of lunch breaks and specified meal times. Snacking and grazing become the primary means of dining, and who’s keeping track of what’s being eaten?
3. Eating at home. I know, I know. Eating out is supposed to be where everyone gets in trouble, but believe me, when you’re home all day, feeling exhausted after another sleepless night, and the only person making food for you is that haggard looking woman in the mirror, you’re lucky to get the leftover PB&J crusts that one of the older kids left behind. If mothers had the luxury of going down to the salad bar at the office cafeteria or to a nearby Subway during their lunch break, healthy eating would be infinitely easier. (I’d love to see this same study done comparing working mothers to stay-at-home mothers.)
4. Serving yourself last. Speaking of PB&J crusts, when was the last time you sat down and actually ate a meal with your children? Even if you make family dinner a priority, the other meals of the day often happen in a much more ad hoc way, mom feeding everyone else before eating herself. Whether you’re sitting down to nurse or bottle feed around the clock, gearing up for the time intensive job of feeding an older baby in a highchair, or making small meals and snacks for pre-schoolers every few hours, serving yourself last is the order of the day, right?

So what’s a mother to do? Looking at this four point list makes me want to go dig through my secret snack cupboard and hide in a corner. But there’s hope. Part of our core curriculum at Power of Moms is “Taking Care of the Person Inside the Mom,” and that includes taking care of yourself physically.

In one of our articles titled, “Mommy is a Person,” April Perry talks about the basic activities every person, including mothers, can expect to enjoy. Here’s the part that relates to eating:

“The first time I remember wondering where ‘April’ had gone was during lunch one afternoon when I sat down with my three young children to eat a sandwich. Before I had even gotten past the crust, someone wanted a refill of milk, another needed a side of cheese, and a third wanted the sandwich opened, not folded. You’ve been there, right? I didn’t like the frustration I felt, so the next time we all sat down to eat, I did things a little differently. After serving everyone their food (and a napkin and drink and utensils), I asked, ‘Does everyone have everything they need? I’d like you to tell me right now because I am going to sit down and eat my food. I’m not getting up again until I’m done because Mommy is a person. Let’s say that all together.  Mommy. . .is . . .a . . .person. That’s right. I get to eat, too. Everyone is all set? Great!’

It took a few days of training before my children stopped asking for things mid-meal, but it actually worked! Sometimes I have to stifle a giggle at the dinner table because I’m deliriously excited to actually eat a whole plate of food in one sitting. Now my son will say, ‘Mom, can I have another roll with jelly…when you’re done eating?’ I want to kiss him on his head and say, ‘Bless you, child!’”

And you, Mom, are a person too. Thinking of yourself as a person who is allowed to enjoy something as basic as eating is the first step to improving your diet.

So in the name of being proactive, here are four points to counter balance the ones listed above for those times you feel you’re about to go under with a bag ofpotato chips and a Dr. Pepper.

1. Get more sleep. You’re laughing, right? But thinking of yourself as a person who deserves rest and not the personal slave of every other individual in your home is the bedrock for all other personal growth. Naps aren’t just for babies, and taking them doesn’t mean you’re neglectful or wimpy. Whether you need to use the electronic babysitter (TV) for a bit or ask a friend or relative to give you some time, being well rested is the first key to a healthier you. (Still skeptical? Read this other article by April titled, “Mommy’s Naptime 101.”)
2. Get back to set mealtimes. Set a timer if you need help sticking to a schedule. Committing to specific times for meals and snacks (within reason) will help you avoid grazing on junk food all day and overeating from getting too hungry. Trying to eat together in a more structured way as a family will also help everyone eat healthier.
3. Eat more prepared foods. You read that right, but I’m not talking about the processed kind. Splurge on pre-cut fruits and veggies, bagged salads, and microwave steamed frozen veggies if you know it will help you eat more of the good stuff.
4. Serve yourself first. Obviously this doesn’t work if you’re having a sit-down meal together as a family, but if you know you aren’t going to sit and eat with your baby or small children at other times in the day, go ahead and feed yourself before you get too famished, the baby is screaming to be fed, or the older kids are begging for snacks. (Because who hasn’t ended up snacking on one too many handfuls of goldfish after getting them out “for the kids?”)

None of this is as easy as it sounds, and no one is doing it perfectly, but we can all recognize the importance of trying to make it work. Being in control of what goes in your mouth by eating deliberately has a surprising effect on how deliberately you do just about everything else, and being a deliberate mother is what we’re all about. Now get out there and have something to eat!

QUESTION: What obstacles prevent you from eating healthier?

CHALLENGE: Try one of the above suggestions this week!

Originally published on April 28, 2011.

The post Why Young Mothers Put On the Pounds appeared first on Support for Moms - Power of Moms.

As mothers, there are things we can do to strengthen and prepare our children to be mentally strong and safe from the growing epidemic of mental illness and suicide among today’s youth. Incorporating these exercises in your child’s day will help them create a healthy belief system about themselves and empower them to be mentally healthy.

1. Positive Self Talk: 

I think my number one goal as a mother is to help my children have bulletproof self-confidence. For them to be so secure in who they are so that no one and nothing can tear them down. Our children internalize their experiences and create self-dialogue. Are they learning to hate themselves through comparisons, feelings of inadequacy, or others’ negative opinions? Or are they learning to love themselves with grace and acceptance? 

Parenting Invitation:

Begin your mornings with affirmations. I outlined a year of positive affirmations that I want my daughter to internalize and truly be able to believe about herself. We do three affirmations at a time for a whole month. Two of them I created, and one she has to fill in the blank: “I love ____ about myself.” It might look something like this:

– I am 100% lovable exactly how I am.

– I am special. 

– I love ___ about myself.

It might feel silly to them at first, but ingraining in them all the ways that they are special and worthy will be miraculous. It will create positive self-talk and a healthy relationship with themselves. 

2. Perfectionism: 

Perfectionism can be a destructive mindset and is becoming common in our modern world. Perfectionism builds over time as we create unrealistically high standards for ourselves, feed into the false realities of social media, feel the need to please others, view failure as unacceptable, or feel intense pressure to keep up or outshine others. This can lead to extreme feelings of worthlessness and failure if you feel you will never be good enough for yourself. 

Parenting Invitation: 

Let your children see you fail. I want my children to see me struggle. I want them to see me make mistakes. I want them to know that it is okay and normal. I want them to know that failure is not a bad thing; that it is how we learn and grow. It is necessary. I will openly tell my daughter, “I am sorry for losing my patience earlier. That is something I am working on. Will you forgive me?” Let them know that doing your best is enough. That they are enough. 

3. Thoughts Create Emotions:

The most empowering thing I have ever learned is that our thoughts create our emotions. Most of us might think that our emotions run the show and that other people can control them. But emotions are optional. If a kid at school tells me I am fat, I can choose to feel hurt, sad, and insecure; or I can choose to think, “That comment says more about him than me and I love my body,” and I can go on my merry way enjoying my day. People can only make you feel sad if you let them. That is a powerful lesson for our children. They don’t need to give other people power over their emotions. They can feel however they choose to feel. 

Most of us are completely unaware of the thoughts that come and go in our minds. We will suddenly feel a ping of sadness or guilt and have no idea why we are suddenly in a bad mood. But when we become mindful and curious about our emotions, we can trace it back to the source. 

For example, your kids are eating breakfast and suddenly you feel really upset. So you stop and get curious about what you are feeling and trace it back to the source. You realize your kids are eating a sugary cereal and you have thoughts of guilt that they aren’t eating a healthier breakfast and that you are a failure as a mom. If you change your thoughts—“Today is a special day, one day won’t hurt them and I do such a great job giving them healthy meals most of the time”—you can change your feelings. 

Parenting Invitation:

Talk through your child’s emotions with them. During dinner, take turns telling each other your “rose and thorn.” The rose is the best part of your day; the thorn is the worst part of your day. Then further discuss what emotions they felt from their rose and thorn, and the thoughts that caused those emotions. 

For example, their thorn might be that nobody played with them at recess. You then ask what emotion they felt when they thought this and they answer “sad.” You then ask what thoughts caused that emotion and they answer, “That nobody likes me.” Then you could ask them what an alternate thought might have been that would have lead to more positive feelings. This will help your child become more aware of their emotions and how to manage them. When we understand our emotions, we gain power and are less likely to feel controlled by them.

QUESTION: Do you see your child, or children, struggling with a negative self-image, a need for perfection or negative self-talk? Or experience challenges that might arise from these? Or just want to help your children avoid them?

CHALLENGE: Choose one of the above exercises and incorporate it into your daily family routine and see if it works for your family.

Edited by Sharon Brown and Nollie Haws
Image provided by the author

The post Three Exercises to Raise Mentally Healthy Children appeared first on Support for Moms - Power of Moms.

I am the mother of three children. My two youngest were diagnosed with GM1 Gangliosidosis in September of 2014. GM1 is a rare disorder that gradually kills off nerve cells in the brain and spinal cord. Children with late infantile GM1 aren’t expected to live to adulthood.

 ​My sweet Eli was pretty normal up to age 18 months: walking, approximating simple words, jumping, playing, laughing, and eating. After years of arrested development and regression, he was diagnosed with GM1 at age five. He is now seven years old, on a feeding tube, and has lost his ability to walk and speak.

​​​​​

       Eli age 3 in preschool

 Evan, at age two, was diagnosed at the same time as his older brother. It broke our hearts to learn that we would have to watch him slowly regress and eventually die.

                           Evan, after eye surgery to correct strabismus.

​

Finding Acceptance

Even though our boys are still alive, I had to deal with a sort of anticipatory grief after their diagnosis. Knowing the terrible path this disease would take them on, and the eventual result, was good reason to grieve. I needed to face that grief and let myself be sad about it for a little while in order to process everything properly.

Anticipatory grief can be like a dark cloud that looms over you wherever you go. It can feel like a heavy burden that is always there. I began to talk about my feelings with friends and family, write down my thoughts, pray for guidance and strength, and have long discussions with my husband. Only after I had exhausted myself could I begin to accept.

Feeling Gratitude

Once I accepted the reality of our situation, I tried to look for the positives. I began to see the army of supporters all around us—friends and family who were willing to sacrifice their time and effort to help and serve us. I realized that I have a good husband who understands me better than anyone. I became more grateful for each day that I had with all three of my beautiful children.

​Finding My Purpose

It became clear to me that I needed to make the most of our situation and turn it around for good. I began to figure out my purpose in all of this.

I realized I needed to focus on putting my family first. I reevaluated my priorities and let go of some work and social activities that were taking too much time away from our family. I started sharing our story through a blog and a Facebook page, as well as through other means, and I found that I gained great happiness and purpose in helping other families who struggle with similar situations.

I know the journey is going to be a long one, but I don’t want to look back on this time with any regrets. I want to look back and feel at peace, knowing that I did the best I could.

Choosing to Act

My sweet boys both need constant attention. That often makes for stressful situations at home. It can be a balancing act trying to keep my marriage intact as well as nurturing our daughter, all while attending to the needs of the boys. Identifying and sticking to my top three priorities helps things run more smoothly.

1. Daily one-on-one time. Spending daily, individual time with each of my children has been like water sustaining us. We can’t go a day without it. I spend at least 10 minutes alone with my daughter every night before bed, and often in the morning before school. We talk and read favorite books together. This special time has improved our closeness and bond better than anything I’ve done. I also spend one-on-one time with each boy daily. This precious time will be something I will never regret doing.
   
2. Dating my husband. Going on regular dates with my husband and making sure we spend quality time together is essential for us. Like I said before, life can be stressful. We have to show love and take care of each other every day.
3. Using my musical skills for a purpose. I’ve always loved to sing and play the piano and have taught lessons for years, up until the diagnosis. With the encouragement of family, I realized I could combine my love for music with our experiences. I wrote a song called Sweet Angels (Cure GM1) to help raise funds for GM1 treatment and research. It has been a way for us to share our story musically. Writing the song helped me to look at things a bit differently and helped me to realize that we are living with angels.

​

​Rising Above Anticipatory Grief

None of us knows when we will die, but we can all be grateful for what we have. In a way, knowing about a fatal disease is a blessing. It gives you a little more perspective and appreciation for the little things. More than anything, these sweet angels show us how to love better, and they lift us higher than we would have been without them.

​

​​QUESTION: Do you have a loved one dealing with a terminal illness or rare disease? How do you rise above anticipatory grief?

CHALLENGE: Reach out to someone who may be grieving in one way or another. Serve them, love them, or just listen. Offer real solutions to help lift and strengthen them.

Edited by Lisa Hoelzer and Katie Carter.
Images provided by the author.
Originally published on April 6, 2017.

The post Rising Above Anticipatory Grief appeared first on Support for Moms - Power of Moms.

When I was a young girl, my main mode of transportation, independent from Mom and Dad, was my bicycle. My best friend lived a mile away. Many of my other friends lived even farther. I rode my bike to their homes countless times. The routes I took to get there were lovely. I could get to any of my destinations by going down one of two hills and then following a number of straight roads. Speeding down those hills was always a thrill. They were fast and effortless. At the end of a full day of play, however, the ride home proved tiring. Near the end of each trip, the very hills that were so much fun earlier now felt insurmountable.

On tough days, I made up my mind before I got there that I couldn’t do it. And before long, I dismounted the bike and pushed it up the hill. Yet on good days, I knew I could do anything. I would pump myself up about twenty-five yards in advance, then power my way through until I reached the summit. Either way, I always got home. My success was directly related to my expectations.

At one point, I decided never to walk the hill again. It wasn’t easy. I knew I needed to choose beforehand not to give up. I developed a personal mantra akin to “I can do this. I’m strong.” Then, just before I reached the base of the designated hill, I chanted my mantra and pumped my bicycle pedals. Once at the top, I hooted and hollered to celebrate my success.

When that hill became manageable, I challenged myself to make it up faster. After reaching each new target, I became more confident. Until one day, I took a different route altogether and encountered a steeper hill. Puffed with pride, I started the climb and promptly failed. The trial run ended in defeat and a long walk home. Distraught, I told myself it was too hard, I was too weak, and I could never do it. And as long as I thought that way, I couldn’t.

For whatever reason, I decided to try once more. On that occasion, I approached the hill in time to see a boy on his bike ascend all the way up, nonstop. I was astonished and encouraged. The boy never saw me, but by watching his success, I was inspired to try again. His presence made a world of difference. My mantra was back. I recited it wholeheartedly and pedaled my way to the top. Yahoo! I had done it. I continued home with an enormous smile spread across my face.

I learned that day that whether or not I conquered the hill was up to me. The way to achieve that, I reasoned, was to embrace resilient practice, surround myself with positive influences, and to adopt resolute thinking.

When faced with similar challenges I believe you, too, can apply these three principles.

1. Embracing resilient practice improves your skills, strengthens your mental and physical capacities, and provides opportunities to measure growth. Whether riding a bike up an incline, running a distance race, or learning an academic or hands-on trade, practice is crucial. It moves you forward. Keep it up.

2. Surrounding yourself with the right kind of influences creates an atmosphere ripe for self-improvement. The boy on the bike inspired me. Having a personal cheerleader or watching another person set and achieve a goal encourages you to establish and reach your own. Choose your environment wisely. Be a cheerleader to others. There are enough negative influences in the world. Make yours positive.

3. Adopting resolute thinking prepares your mind before the trial. When you decide ahead of time to give it your best, you have won half the battle. Choose a mantra. Repeat it over and over again. The story you tell yourself matters. Tell a good one.

QUESTION: Can you identify a situation you are struggling with right now? What story are you telling yourself about it? How have your thoughts and/or imaginations helped or hindered your progress?

CHALLENGE: Identify one area in your life in which you could use a personal cheerleader. Develop an encouraging mantra that you, a loved one, or a trusted friend can chant during the hard times.

Edited by Sharon Brown and Nollie Haws
Image from Unsplash via PicMonkey

The post The Story You Tell Yourself Matters appeared first on Support for Moms - Power of Moms.

If there is one thing I criticize about myself as a mother, it is my lack of organization. Here is the funny thing: in my former life (read: prior to children), I was a raging perfectionist. Type A, control freak — call it what you will. If we are being honest, I still am, but my efforts to keep up with these standards leave me feeling bewildered and frustrated more often than not.  We have a serious problem in our house with not being able to find things. Sometimes I joke that we have a mischievous ghost occupying our house who gleefully swipes things, leaving us to run around like lunatics, suppressing profanity–or not, on a really bad day.

 
I find these unfortunate scavenger hunts occur more often than not in the morning. Mornings are currently the bane of my existence, a time when my maternal ineptitude manifests in all its frenetic glory. Each morning that we engage in the frantic race to get everybody fed, clothed, and out the door, I make snap decisions that sometimes result in egregious errors in judgment causing us to dangerously skirt the dreaded tardy bell.  I admit that I struggle with organization and time management, and the most common culprit for my self-imposed chaos is my desire for just a few more minutes of sleep. Perhaps sometime in the future when I am not waking up between 2-6 times per night with my baby, I will decide to set the alarm for 6:30 and prepare for my day while my children sleep. As of right now, it is just not happening.

The most likely scenario on any given day involves us staying in bed as long as possible and then scrambling around at the last minute looking for some misplaced item such as a jacket, my car keys, the hair detangler, or another must-have.  I really do try; I even have a system involving a binder, a dry-erase checklist, and two calendars. We are rarely late, thank goodness, as punctuality is a quality that used to be right up there with cleanliness and godliness in my book.  Nonetheless, I find I am thoroughly frazzled and irritated with myself for my lack of preparation on a daily basis.

On one particularly confounding morning before summer camp, we were on our way out the door exactly on time. It had gone eerily smoothly…obviously something was bound to go wrong. Today it was the soccer shoes. They were not in the cubby, which is their designated spot and one of my daughter Izzy’s responsibilities each day.  In a moment of quiet desperation, I saw the sands of our punctuality slipping through my hands. The five minutes Izzy searched for her shoes were futile, and just long enough to ensure our tardiness. Although having my competency derailed in such a way caused me great consternation, I was suddenly inspired to turn our situation into a Love and Logic teaching moment.  I asked my daughter how she planned to handle this problem. After sulking for awhile and fretting that she would cry in front of her classmates, she presented several scenarios: go home and search for the appropriate footwear, thus making her late and having to “pay” mommy for the extra transportation time, or put on a pair of Crocs that we had in the car and inform her coaches why she was unable to participate in soccer for the next hour.  After seriously considering her options, she decided to avoid tardiness, wear her Crocs, and explain the situation to her coaches.

As we walked into camp together, I was struck with a rare moment of clarity about the true “teaching moment” in this situation.  I realized that it was slightly hypocritical of me to be irritated with my kindergartener about failing to successfully perform one of her few jobs–keeping track of her personal belongings–when her father and I lose approximately 36 “important” items a week. I discovered that I no longer felt frustrated about our morning, but rather impressed at how my daughter had helped problem solve and take accountability for her misplaced shoes.  I knew I needed to somehow convey this to my sensitive child, who had taken her mistake rather hard. “Izzy,” I began, “I know you felt mad at yourself for losing your shoes this morning. But I want you to know something. I am very proud of you. Everybody makes mistakes, even Mommy and Daddy. It is part of life. What is important is how we handle them, and you handled this mistake in a very mature way. I am really proud of you for solving this problem and being brave enough to tell your coaches what happened.”

I can see clearly all the ways in which I could become better organized in my daily life. I also see a real need to cut myself some slack, reflect on the stage of parenthood I am in, and forgive myself for my perceived “failures.” I made a decision when my second baby was born that I would truly savor her infancy. Decades down the road, I want to remember all the hours I spent holding and enjoying my baby. If I expect my daughter to bounce back from mistakes, I need to give myself the same permission to move on after a disorganized morning. In that moment I promised myself to try just a bit harder to get it together, but more importantly, to revel in the joy of our crazy household, chaotic though it may be.

QUESTION:  Do you ever find yourself reacting with more frustration to your child’s weaknesses when they are similar to your own?

CHALLENGE: Instead of getting upset, revel in the teaching moment that has just been presented to you and your child, and let them know that this is something you struggle with as well and that even mommies make mistakes.

Images provided by the author.
Originally published on December 8, 2012.

The post Even Mommies Make Mistakes appeared first on Support for Moms - Power of Moms.

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It’s a new year! And with that fresh start, many moms pause and think about their goals for the new year. Though it’s a challenge to find that sweet spot between overwhelm and stagnation, here are three moms’ ideas for setting realistic and worthwhile goals.

 

Read by Ann Graham and edited by Christy Elder.
Image from Unsplash via PicMonkey.

The post Audio Post: Goals Fall Down | Setting Objectives | Goals That Fit [Season 5 Episode 1] appeared first on Support for Moms - Power of Moms.

My first two children were girls. They loved dress-ups, crafts, and reading books. Life was busy, but relatively calm. Then baby number three came along and really shook things up at our house. He was a boy, and a super active boy at that. So active, in fact, that when he was three, we were permanently kicked out of the gym daycare. When he went out into the cul-de-sac to play, other moms would gather their kids and take them inside so they wouldn’t get injured.

One day we were at the children’s museum with some good friends, and while all the other kids were playing nicely with the hands-on exhibit, my little guy was throwing things, tackling people, and karate chopping the art supplies. I was so frustrated with him, thinking, “What is wrong with this kid? Why can’t he ever just sit still and play nicely?”

Interrupting my thoughts, my friend stepped up next to me and said, in the sweetest, most loving voice, “Isn’t it so amazing that he was born with such a strong instinct to protect and defend? God made him that way for a reason.”

I was taken aback. I had never thought of that. It sure didn’t look like protecting or defending. But what if this was what those skills looked like in a three-year-old? What if there was nothing wrong with him? What if he wasn’t trying to be violent and drive everyone crazy? What if he was busy developing skills that could one day be used to protect and defend his family?

My friend offered me a new thought that changed the way I loved that little boy. Instead of loving him even though he was a little terror,  I started to love that about him. I started to see him as a strong man in training, and I knew it was my job to help him learn to use those instincts for a good purpose. Rather than try to squash the intensity out of him, I embraced it and helped him channel it.

Sometimes I fall into the trap of loving my children, but wishing they were different. Or maybe I am loving who I wish they would be, instead of who they are. That kind of “love” leads to frustration for all of us. It feels so much better when I can let go of all the expectations I have of who they “should” be, and love them exactly as they are. Then I am in a position to teach and train them, rather than correct or discipline them. It’s a subtle difference, but an important one.

My relationship with my little boy (now 6′ 4″) has been exhausting at times, but also such a joy. What might have looked for a while like a reckless streak, I now see as a fun sense of adventure. His lack of interest in what anyone (including parents) tells him to do, has developed into a healthy sense of confidence. He is becoming a strong, independent man who has a desire to do what’s right.

It feels so good to love people exactly as they are. No “buts.”  No “in spite ofs.” No exceptions. Just love.

Love is always the best choice.

QUESTION: Do you ever notice yourself wishing someone you love was just a little different?

CHALLENGE:  Try filling in these blanks: “I love (name of child) EVEN THOUGH ___________________.” Now ask yourself how you can think about that thing differently, so that it becomes one of the things you love about your child.

Edited by Sharon Brown and Nollie Haws
Image provided by the author.

The post Loving Them as They Are appeared first on Support for Moms - Power of Moms.

Authors: Joseph Allen, PH. D. and Claudia Worrell Allen , PH. D.

Why I liked this book:

I can’t figure out if I loved this book because it confirms a lot of hunches (or gut feelings) I’ve had over the last years about the right and wrong way to approach the adolescent years or because it also challenges me to think in new ways. It reminds me a lot of one of my other favorite books, “Parenting With Dignity,” in that it doesn’t offer fancy systems and quick fixes. Instead, it offers a different way to think–a worthy way to think–about raising our children and raising young adults. I also like that it offers great perspective. How have things changed for teenagers since 100-200 years ago? What does teen/young adult life look like in other parts of the world? I think having a broader vision can indicate where we need to improve and change our approaches and what odd new ideas (or good ones!) we’ve had that have improved or stressed our relationships and our children’s upbringing.

Basic Overview:

Our teens need to be challenged. They need adult expectations and responsibilities. They need to do meaningful work, and feel needed in that work. If we want their respect, we need to treat them respectfully. We need to have relationships with our teens–that connection proves to be more important than rules and regulations. They need adult relationships, not just relationships with fellow teens. We need to expect more from them (not talking about SAT scores) and ask for their help with complicated or adult-level tasks we might expect them not to be able to do (but they can and will manage them!).

Parts I Liked Best:

I have so many corners turned over!  Here are a few of my turned-down pages:

 

 

 

 

Interesting stuff, huh?

If you’ve got teenagers or pre-teens, I highly recommend this book.

 

Originally published on April 20, 2013.

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The post Book Summary: Escaping the Endless Adolescence: How We Can Help our Teenagers Grow Up Before they Grow Old appeared first on Support for Moms - Power of Moms.

The weeks following the birth of my beautiful daughter were both wonderful and horrible. As our third child, we had enough parenting experience to know that she was an easy angel babe. She ate well at regular intervals, burped like a champ, slept peacefully, and even smiled sweetly in her sleep more than any other infant I’ve ever seen. 

Still, regardless of how easy a newborn she was, I struggled with the transition to having three children. 

In addition to the typical work associated with caring for a helpless newborn, there were other things causing me stress and anxiety. Our home was completely torn apart as we were partway through a DIY remodel that we’d planned to have finished. Two weeks after delivery and just as I was starting to feel somewhat human, I passed a kidney stone and my recovery seemed to start over. 

Just three days later, my husband severely injured his finger while using the table saw. He was in so much pain and on such heavy medication that, rather than being able to be my support during my postpartum period, he was forced to rely on my care to do simple things like shower and drive to work. Finally, our daughter started developing symptoms of reflux that made her increasingly fussy and unable to sleep unless she was being held. This persisted until the problem was finally diagnosed and treated with medication. 

While I knew that these struggles were not the hardest anyone had ever endured, they were still difficult for me to handle. As the days passed and my mental and emotional reserves wore thin, I became disappointed in myself and discouraged as a mother. I felt I was so far from my ideal of motherhood, from the woman I’d wanted, and expected, to be at this point. 

I remember sobbing on the phone to my mother three weeks after my daughter was born, declaring through near-hysteria, that while I’d known having three kids would be hard, this was so much harder than I’d anticipated. 

It was only with time, insights gained from discussions with loved ones, and changes prompted by personal introspection, that I started feeling like I was slowly, haltingly, inching towards feeling capable; like I was managing this new reality of my life with grace. 

We all face times that are more difficult than we expect. Our struggles may come from the stress of ordinary life or by bigger changes like health issues, strained finances, the death of a loved one, moving to a new location, starting a new job, or the birth of a new baby. Thankfully, no matter what is causing us stress and anxiety, there are things we can do to help us manage the struggles we all face. 

Here are some coping strategies I learned during my difficult transition to having three children:

1. Rely on Help from Others

During that transition period I was often tired and resentful of the care required by my children. I felt guilty and alone for having those feelings, as though I was the only mother who ever felt that way. 

What made the difference for me in every way possible was the help and caring of others. My mother stayed with us for over a week right after my daughter was born and smoothed the transition. Friends brought dinners at least a few times a week for that first month. Another friend brought over surprise lunches for the boys and stacks of books to help them stay occupied. When I had the ability to release some of my load and let others help carry it, I was better able to keep my life in perspective and show up for my family in the way I wanted.

2. Carve Out Time for Yourself Whenever Possible

Self-care is so important and so hard. So hard that I feel hypocritical including it here because I am horrible at finding time to relax, even though logically, I know how important it is for me to do so. The laundry lists of to-do items are never-ending for mothers (usually involving never-ending laundry), and it takes deliberate action to set it aside and focus on nurturing yourself. When I do take those moments to let my mind relax and be calm, it makes all the difference. Even just ducking into a quiet room to close your eyes and breathe deeply for a few minutes can help reset your day. Taking several hours for yourself, by letting a friend or babysitter watch your children so you can truly rest or do something just because you want to, is even better.

3. Let Go of the Unimportant Expectations for Yourself

Much of what we do to care for our families and homes can be simplified or eliminated altogether. During a difficult season, taking a few minutes to evaluate why you are making the choices you are, can help you see what matters to you more clearly. Releasing your own expectations to make fully homemade, gourmet dinners each night, or to volunteer at your children’s school each week, or to be the one cleaning your bathrooms each week, can free up time and mental space you desperately need during more difficult times. 

I’ve learned during my difficult seasons that only a few things, usually involving relationships, must be done by you personally. A pizza store can make you dinner, or a meal delivery kit can drop ingredients at your door. Other parents can step in to volunteer at school. Your husband, your children, or a maid service can clean your bathrooms…or they can just stay messy for a while. Prioritize what you truly need to do, and let go of perfection in the rest. 

4. Remind Yourself that You Can do Hard Things and So Can Your Children

Sometimes what feels incredibly difficult and overwhelming truly is just as difficult as you think it is. But, you must remember that you are able to do hard things. There is nothing easy about being a mother, and reminding yourself of the obstacles you have already faced can give you strength to keep going. 

During my difficult season right after my daughter was born, I often told myself the story of how we’d already remodeled one house and made it through; how I’d survived the difficult delivery of my first child despite many serious medical complications; how I had adjusted to the craziness of working part-time from home with two children under three. Our lives as mothers are, in many ways, shaped and defined by the hard things we deliberately undertake for the growth or benefit of our families. We can do hard things, and our children are resilient enough to weather difficult seasons, too. Sometimes just reminding yourself of that fact can help you keep pushing forward until life becomes a little easier.

Each of us will face incredibly difficult times during our lives; it’s part of being human and absolutely part of being a mother. However, deliberate mothers can absolutely adjust to survive and thrive to become the women we want to be despite difficult circumstances.

QUESTION: What was the last truly difficult season of your life? What coping strategies did you use to help make it through that time?

CHALLENGE: Evaluate whether using one of the above strategies could help you face challenges in your life now and, if so, implement it. Or if you know someone else going through a difficult time, think of something someone did for you that helped you through that time, and return the favor.

Edited by Sharon Brown and Nollie Haws.
Image from Unsplash via PicMonkey.

The post Four Coping Strategies for Difficult Times appeared first on Support for Moms - Power of Moms.

As mothers, there are a bazillion “good” ways to spend our precious time and energy.  Here’s a sampling of just a few rather typical ways a mother might spend her time, talent and energy on any given day: volunteering at school, home organizing and decorating, exercising, working on a home business, blogging or scrapbooking, reading, bargain shopping, preparing healthy and delicious food . . . the list of possibilities is endless.

If that isn’t enough, there is a labyrinth of resources to help mothers do all these “good” things. Consider this: at the time I write this, there are 4,329 recipes for chicken alone on allrecipes.com, 8,856 books available on amazon.com for home decorating, and 561,000,000 (you read that right) results on Google for home organizing!  Even the simplest of choices can be made complicated and zap our time and energy as we consider the myriad of options that face us.  The endless nature of “possibility” becomes a burden as as well as a blessing.

In light of this, we must carefully weigh our priorities and thoughtfully decide how to use our precious natural resources: time, talent and energy.  As mothers, we have an additional obligation: properly prioritizing our responsibilities associated with the multi-faceted care of our children.  As we do so, it will put into better perspective the price we are willing to pay for fulfillment of our goals and ambitions – or even our whims and personal hobbies!

Each of us has the same twenty-four hours, and our energy is far from endless, so in all our striving, it is probably most important to strive for balance: that “sweet spot” between getting things done and letting things go, between striving for excellence and saying “good enough”.

I like to think about differentiating between what we want to do, what is best to do, and what we cando.  It’s easy to list off a hundred ways we want to spend our time if we had a day to ourselves, but this must always be balanced with what is bestto do in light of our responsibilities as mothers. But there is one more reality check: what we can do.  Some of us have physical or mental challenges that prevent us from functioning as we’d like.  Some of us have to work outside the home when we really want to be with our children full time.  Some of us have children who demand more of us than we could have ever imagined.  Understanding our personal limitations and challenges as well as our opportunities and strengths will help us as we seek this balance.

Prioritizing the use of our time and energy to reach our goals as well as fulfill our responsibilities is a very individual process.  Just when we think we have it figured out, our life circumstances change and we find ourselves readjusting yet again.  Because of this, there is no “one” way to prioritize as mothers.  But with a little introspection and planning, each mother can navigate her own “right” way.

I’d like to suggest four guidelines that might help in the decision making process:

1. Identify your current stage of motherhood.

2. Check your motives.

3. Categorize your priorities

4. Practice putting “first things first”.

First, identify your current stage of motherhood.

This is perhaps the most important thing to consider when choosing how to spend your time, talent and energy as a mother.  A mother with an infant in arms is going to make very different choices than a mother whose children are all in school full time.  And a mother with four young children in school will make very different choices than a mother with a senior and other adult children that have children of their own.  Make no mistake about it, no matter how long the days may seem when you have a colicky baby, each mother will get through every one of the following stages of motherhood:

INFANT AND TODDLER YEARS: These are the years when a mother rarely has a moment to herself with one or more small and dependent children always by her side.

IN BETWEEN YEARS: In this stage, a mother may have nursing infants or napping toddlers to work into rigid school and practice schedules.

SCHOOL AGE YEARS: While before and after school hours may be brutally busy, mothers with all school age children have a little more freedom throughout their day to choose how to spend their time, talent and energy.

TRANSITION YEARS: This stage finds mothers dividing their time between their growing children still at home as well as the children who have already left the nest.

EMPTY NEST/GRANDMOTHERING YEARS: Depending on the number of grandchildren and their proximity, these years could be just as busy as earlier years, but with half the energy!

How much time a mother spends in each of these stages obviously depends on the number of children she has and how far apart they are, but it is worth the small effort to do a bit of math and “guesstimate” the amount of time you will spend in each stage.  The result of this exercise is hopefully a realization of two things:  1) each stage of mothering is quite busy, and 2) unlike the popular phrase, life is actually very long. What this means is that we will always need to make deliberate choices about how to spend our natural resources, but with planning and prioritizing, we can have it all – sequentially – at different stages in our life.

In an address titled, “A Message To My Granddaughters”, James E. Faust had this to say about “having it all”:

“Doing things sequentially—filling roles one at a time at different times—is not  always possible, as we know, but it gives a woman the opportunity to do each  thing well in its time and to fill a variety of roles in her life. A woman does not  necessarily have to track a career like a man does. She may fit more than one  career into the various seasons of life. She need not try to sing all of the verses  of her song at the same time.”

Recently, I was talking to a friend whose mother is 68 years old.  This mother of six has over 40 flute students and is also a very involved grandmother.  What does this mean for me?  With four children and a ten year spread, I will only be 54 when my last child leaves home, and I could easily be a grandmother by then. That’s fourteen years younger than this very busy and active woman. That’s a lot of years to do a lot of stuff! I had my first child at 26.  Let’s say I live to be 86.  Of that 60 years, I will only spend 17 with very young, pre-school age children at home with me.  It really does put into perspective what a small sacrifice it is to prioritize our children’s needs – especially during the young, formative years.

So take heart, you mothers in the infant/toddler stage of motherhood. There will be much more to your life than diapers and temper tantrums! Young mothers can find it all too easy in the face of sleepless nights and one too many games of Candyland to fall into either depression (I give up! – the selfless, martyr syndrome) or aggression (I’m going back to work – I want my brain and my body back!), but keep in mind the classic wisdom found in Ecclesiastes, “To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven.”

#2: Check Your Motives

Much like gaining perspective by recognizing your stage of motherhood, this self-monitoring tool is a “quick fix” if you are wondering whether or not your time and energy are being well spent.  Simply ask yourself: “Why am I doing this?”  You may be surprised at the answer if you can be brutally honest with yourself.  Here are just a few possibilities:

Default mode:That’s what my mom did.

Pride and vanity: I want to impress, or “one-up”, the other mothers

Undefined expectations: That’s just what a “good mother” does.

Avoidance: This is way more fun than making dinner, doing laundry, cleaning the toilet . . .

Some examples: just because your mom made homemade Barbie clothes, regularly washed her walls, and canned fruit doesn’t mean that is the wisest use of yourtime as a mother today.  Spending the majority of a full and busy afternoon making thirty elaborate cupcakes (and a mess to go with them) for the sake of hearing the other mothers “ooh” and “aah” might also be a misuse of your energy. Likewise, while some “good mothers” run PTA committees, not all mothers do, and your talents just might be best utilized elsewhere. (There are as many ways to be a good mom as there are moms!)  And avoiding the sometimes unpleasant but necessary responsibilities at home that make life more functional and comfortable so you can pursue your passion will leave everyone frustrated.

Identifying your stage of motherhood with it’s inherent limits and freedoms and checking your motives with some brutal honesty will make it much easier to figure out what your priorities really are, and if they are out of whack.  Let’s get down to the nitty-gritty of defining and categorizing our priorities.

#3: Categorize your priorities

Priorities are not created equal, and it is vital for mothers to differentiate between the ones that should require top attention and those that can be given less attention depending on her personal life circumstance. For example, I could literally spend all day cooking, cleaning, doing laundry, and caring for my younger children. That is the stage of motherhood I am in with several young children at home, one not yet in school.  If I don’t prioritize my personal care, I can easily end up crabby and resentful by the end of the day, sending everyone in my family on a guilt trip.  For me, having a perfectly clean house and elaborate meals is appealing and brings satisfaction, but not at the expense of my personal care – things such as exercise, personal meditation, and time alone with my husband.

There are various ways to categorize your priorities, and I’m pretty sure I’ve tried them all.  Categorizing by dimensions (physical, spiritual, social/emotional, intellectual), by roles and relationships (wife, mother, employee, volunteer, etc.), and by responsibilities (formal employment, housework, volunteer commitments, paperwork and bills) all work to a certain degree, but my favorite method incorporates everything under three incrementally important categories. In other words, each category isn’t valued equally.  Balance isn’t found in dividing time equally among all categories, but rather in deciding which things are most important, doing those things first, and possibly leaving other things undone.  Lin Yutang spoke true words when he said, “Besides the noble art of getting things done, there is the noble art of leaving things undone. The wisdom of life consists in the elimination of non-essentials.”

Keeping this in mind, consider categorizing your priorities according to essentials, necessaries, and nice-to-dos. Using the previous example of feeling angry and tired after a day of cooking and cleaning because I neglected my personal care, the priority of personal care then becomes essential, whereas a clean house and delicious meals are merely necessary. An even lower level of priorities would be the nice-to-dos. Those are things such as personal hobbies, recreational reading or shopping, watching TV, blogging and Facebook – nonessential things that often clutter our days and steal our time.

Each mother’s list will be different, but I would like to suggest you create three categories in which to place all the priorities in your life.  Title them as you like – ABC, 123, Good/Better/Best, Essential/Necessary/Nice-to-do.  Get creative and come up with categories that speak to you.  The important thing is that you categorize your priorities, placing some in a category essential to your happiness and well-being, some in a category necessary to keep life running smoothly, and others in a “nice” category – fluff that adds variety to life.

Once you’ve got your categories filled in, you’re ready for the last step: aligning your priorities with your natural resources of time, talent, and energy.

#4: Practice putting “first things first”

There is a wonderful little object lesson I first remember seeing as a teenager. In a class about priorities, my teacher brought out a large empty mason jar and three smaller containers of rocks, pebbles and sand. She proceeded to put the sand in first, then the pebbles, and finally the rocks. It was obvious early on that there was no way it would all fit in the jar. She dumped everything out and started over again, putting the rocks in first, then the pebbles, and lastly, the sand. Of course you know the result: a perfect fit.  The rocks, pebbles and sand represent our priorities, and if we want to fit as many of our priorities into our life as possible, we need to start with the “biggest” or most important priorities first.

That’s all great in theory, but what does that look like in everyday life?  This is where your three categories come in – but we’re not going to try and fit them in a mason jar, we’re going to plug them into a time map. Priority management and time management get a bit blurred here, but it’s almost impossible to separate the two, so here we go:

Get out your fancy planner or a blank piece of paper – it doesn’t matter.  All you need is a time map of some sort, and it’s helpful if you have one for daily, weekly and monthly priorities.  For your daily map, all you need are the hours in the day listed vertically down the page.  For your weekly map, the same thing but with the days of the week across the top.  A monthly time map is just a basic monthly calendar page.

Start with your “essential” category – “A”, “Best”, or whatever you decided to call it.  If nurturing your relationship with your husband is somewhere on that list, start mapping out how and when that is going to happen. Maybe you’ll want to schedule a half hour of “pillow talk” every night on your daily time map to catch up on each other’s day and re-connect.  Maybe you’ll block off every Friday night on your weekly time map as “date night”. You might even want to schedule in two short get-aways a year on your monthly calendar map to really nurture your marriage. If this really is a top priority for you, and you weren’t putting in that time before, you just may realize that you have to give up something less important for what you are declaring is most important.  And that’s a good thing.

Another example: self care.  This should be high on most mother’s list of priorities.  For me, this means personal study, meditation and exercise gets blocked out on my daily time map.  Weekly, I try to squeeze in some time over the weekend when my husband is home for reading, writing, working on my blog and photobooks.  Monthly? Maybe a hair appointment and time shopping alone so I can feel good about my physical appearance and get some errands done without losing my mind. These are just my examples. No matter what your personal priorities are, they must get plugged somewhere into your time map or things of less importance will inevitably fill in the gaps and your lofty list of priorities will be just that – a list on a piece of paper.

One last example: strengthening family relationships.  Certainly this is on every mother’s “A” list.  For our family, that means a few things on our daily time map.  Every day we plan to eat and pray as a family, and I also like to spend some time together reading and talking.  With homework, practice schedules and mid-week church activities, that kind of time requires a dedicated spot on the time map.  (It’s really tough to “fit those things in” after everything else, like trying to shove the stones into the already packed mason jar.) Weekly, we plan a family night where we play games and/or discuss things that need discussing in our family.  Monthly, in a perfect world, we have one on one time with our kids and also schedule family vacation time bi-annually.  We would never consider letting something come between us and our family’s long scheduled vacation, but what about family dinner or family game night?  Those things can easily get squeezed out if we aren’t careful to actually practice putting “first things first”.

While creating this “priority time map”, it’s important to plug in every single activity that is taking up a considerable amount of time. (If it’s taking your time, it is by nature a priority.)  Everything from “A” list priorities such as family dinner, alone time with your spouse, and writing in your journal, to “B” list priorities such as housework, meal preparation and bill paying, to “C” list priorities like your favorite TV program, blogging, or going to lunch with your girlfriends.  (Keep in mind that many priorities overlap.  Date night with my husband counts for both nurturing our relationship as well as self-care in my book.)

When you schedule every activity that takes a considerable amount of time (more than 15 minutes), priority time mapping has the additional benefit of eliminating excuses.  If you frequently complain that you don’t have time to read brain stimulating material from the field you graduated in, but you always manage to tune in for your favorite TV program, you will see on your time map in black and white that you’ve just lost your excuse.  (Maybe you just need to admit that brainless downtime enjoying your favorite TV program is more of a priority to you at this stage in your life than keeping up on those journals!  Either way, a time map helps with accountability.)

Actually walking the talk of putting “first things first” is hard work and requires a high degree of self-discipline and motivation, easily influenced by health, hormones, spouse support, and a kajillion other life circumstances.  There is a world of difference between creating the perfect time map with all your priorities in place and actually following it. For example, our family moved this summer and my perfect little priority time map was replaced by one priority for several months: survive!  But even when life is “normal”, it’s difficult to follow.  My priority of self care? The best time for me to study, meditate and exercise is early in the morning, before my children wake up. That means I have to get in bed early.  As much as I say it’s a priority, I frequently find myself doing things of less importance late into the night, knocking my early morning personal care priority off the schedule.

If you find it hard to actually practice what you preach, don’t be too hard on yourself. Barbara B. Smith once said, “Ideals are stars to steer by, not sticks to beat ourselves with.”  The object of putting all your priorities on a time map is not to create a packed, unrealistically rigid schedule that must be strictly adhered to, but to help you simplify your life and see more clearly what you don’t have time for so that you can say “no” to yourself and others when necessary.  Once you’ve plugged in what you say are your top priorities, it may just become painfully obvious that you need to cut back on your children’s extracurricular activities, spend less time exercising, eliminate the “frills” of your volunteer service, shelf the personal project until all your kids are in school, simplify your meal preparation, and minimize the social commitments that take you away from your family too often. (For a great story on this, read here – link to Tiffany’s spatula story)

The other advantage of having a priority time map is knowing where and when you can give and take. I have been following my map for so long now I hardly need to look at it, and I know exactly when I am compromising something of greater importance for something of less importance.  I also know when I can fudge or shift priorities depending on the situation and the needs of my children.  (Note: mothers of young children should be sure to expect a couple of hours each day devoted to the unplanned “priorities” of your little cherubs.) Additionally, when you simplify your life by putting “first things first”, it actually gives you more time and energy for those top priorities, and there will most likely be time to enjoy some of those things in the “Nice to do/C/Good” category. (Bonus: you can enjoy them without feeling guilt or anxiety because you will know you’ve already put the “rocks” of your life into place!)  You may even decide to trade in some of the sand for another rock or two.

For example, after carefully considering my current stage of motherhood, checking my motives, scrutinizing my personal priorities, and talking it over with my husband, this past year I accepted an opportunity to prepare and teach a series of classes right around the time our family would be moving.  It seemed crazy to many, but I really felt it was an opportunity I didn’t want to pass up. I decided early on that I would not sacrifice my commitments to home and family (my #1 priority) to take on this personal pursuit, so for an entire year I gave up personal pleasure reading and TV. I could see on my time map that I frequently had two hours a day of “discretionary” time and even more on the weekends, so I decided I would use that time in pursuit of my personal goal. Essentially, I traded in some of my sand for another rock.  It was a challenging year, but well worth it now that I look back.  Now that those classes and the move are behind me, I’m looking forward to creating a whole new time map for this school year, hopefully with a little more “sand”.

So instead of wondering if it’s the right time to tackle that personal goal, or feeling frazzled by all the commitments that distract you from what matters most, sit down and make a time map of your personal priorities. Family life is never easy, and it rarely goes according to plans, but if our day to day life as mothers is in sync with what matters most to us, we can have peace as well as power to tackle the challenges that will surely come our way.

QUESTIONS: What is your criteria for deciding if something is worth your time, talent and energy? How do you decide which goals are worth pursuing and when? How do you use your discretionary time? Is some of it consistently applied to your highest priorities? What are some examples of times when you’ve known you’re doing the right thing at the right time?  Or vice versa?

CHALLENGE: Make that time map!!

Image: FreeDigitalPhotos.net
Originally published on August 1, 2012.

The post Prioritizing: Having It All, Just Not All At Once appeared first on Support for Moms - Power of Moms.

I’m standing in the kitchen surrounded by sounds of children playing. They are deep in a building project, discussing the best placement of blankets and pillows for their “house.” 

My mind is running a million miles an hour with ideas, dreams, goals, and projects. I clearly have a window of opportunity, but I stand paralyzed, unsure of what to do first.

Sound familiar? 

That used to be my reality. When I had a spare moment to myself, it took me forever to figure out what to do and I would feel guilty for wasting that time. And when I wanted to be engaged and present with my kids, my mind would not turn off. 

I decided I would get a planner, a tool that I relied on heavily in my single days but had abandoned completely once I held my first baby in my arms. 

I wanted a planner that would have a place for every thought in a way that would turn ideas into actions—not forgotten items on a long list. But I couldn’t find one that met my needs. So I spent the next three years building a system that would let my brain rest, while still allowing me to build a strong family and move forward on other personal goals. 

Part of the puzzle was discovering and building an organized command central. I created spaces for papers, different weekly to-do lists, and context lists that I could refer back to no matter how long the pause. But I still had a lot “on the brain” while watching my kids at the playground.

I needed a place to record all the amazing ideas I was getting without committing to getting them done at a specific time. I needed a space to see how they could all fit together. I needed a place to see my growth—to celebrate what I’m learning, accomplishing and becoming—and to remind myself about self-care. 

I needed a place to take my vision of what I wanted my life to be and break it down into actionable, bite-sized, weekly pieces so that I wouldn’t find myself standing in the kitchen with time to make progress and no idea where to start. 

Since I couldn’t find a planner that could do everything I wanted it to, I designed my own. It started as a simple notebook where I created the pages I needed as I needed them, and it is now a product that I offer to others.

Armed with my planner, command central, and a few planning routines, I am now able to live in the moment with my family and intentionally create a beautiful, engaged life for all of us. 

And this is possible for you, too! You can use any notebook or planner that you already have. You just need someplace to record things.

Now here are the planning sessions that I use to plan my year most effectively:

1. Create my “Vision for the Year”. First, I begin with a review of the previous year and an assessment of where I am now. Then I create a list of my values, gifts, talents, and needed self-care as they relate to who I am right now. Next, I dream big and imagine what my life could look like in a year. The final phase is creating specific goals, habits, and projects that will take me where I want to go.
2. Quarterly Planning.  I use four pages to break the year into quarters and I use this as my sandbox to brainstorm ideas. I take my goals and spread them throughout the year, 2-3 per quarter. I add in our family traditions, project ideas, travel ideas, activities, etc. If I hear an idea I want to try, I write it in a relevant quarter. I do this big-picture thinking to create a meaningful, balanced life in the course of a year. I add to and change this as the year progresses—this isn’t a place to commit, but to visualize and dream.
3. Monthly Planning.  At the beginning of each month, I plan out my focus, projects, and goals (from my vision and quarterly planning); brain dump nagging tasks; and note self-care activities that will be most impactful for me during this season. As the month progresses, I take time to celebrate by recording things I discovered, tasks I accomplished, adventures I had, books I read, and other things I did with or for my family.
4. Weekly Planning . Each Sunday night, in my planner, I write scheduled appointments for the week and day-specific to-dos. I write my focus for the month, daily habits I want to track, and my meal plan for the week. My favorite part is choosing my three priorities (big three) for the week to focus on—one for me, one for my family, and one for my business or another project. Then I go through and write the next action steps in my context-based to-do list as well as any other tasks that need to happen this week. When free moments pop up, I’m ready to use them productively!
5. Daily Planning.  Each day, I review the next actions for my big three for the week and decide which ones I’ll focus on that day, in addition to that day’s specific to-dos and appointments. At night, I try to do one thing to make the next day easier.
6. Quarterly Reviews.  Every three months I sit down and review my life and determine what’s going well and what needs to change. This is also a time to evaluate my vision and goal for the year, and determine what is relevant and what I want to work on for the upcoming quarter. I also do a life assessment to see where I need to give more attention to this quarter. Taking time to zoom out each quarter allows me to plan my months, weeks and days most effectively.

This might seem like a lot—and it is—but it’s worth it! I developed these habits and systems slowly over time. But now it is simply a matter of opening up my planner and getting to work. By using this system, it is possible for every mother to experience a clear mind while building a strong family and moving forward on important goals. 

QUESTION: What is one thing that you have always wanted to try that could be part of your vision for next year?

CHALLENGE: Choose one of these planning sessions to try out this month. Start with the one that solves a problem you are having right now or gets you the most excited. Baby steps add up!

Edited by Sharon Brown and Kimberly Price
Image from Unsplash via PicMonkey

The post How to Most Effectively Plan Your Year appeared first on Support for Moms - Power of Moms.

We always tell ourselves, “I’ll never forget this moment.” But memories are fragile and time is fleeting. I often find myself looking back at pictures of my children and wondering what we talked about that day. What were their concerns, hopes and dreams? What were mine? Was anything bothering them? What seemingly mundane tasks were we doing? I wish I could remember all of these things, but I can’t. I take lots of pictures, so I have a lot of opportunities to reflect on them. However, they sit on my computer, waiting for a pretty book to be put in or even just to find the time to send them off to be printed.

Someday I’ll have more time. Someday I’ll write beautiful words about when my children learned to walk or what their favorite toy was or what their temperaments were. Someday my bookshelves will be lined with perfectly bound books of aesthetically pleasing memories. Reality is very different.  What I’ve discovered is that it’s important for me to write things down, in any form, so that I don’t forget the important little moments that string together to make up a life.

Usually when I think about journaling, it drums up emotions of guilt and trepidation. I want things to look nice and sound lovely, so I don’t write them down or scrapbook. I have had trouble finding the best way to journal for my life. It seems strange to write down deeply personal experiences next to a simple list or a poorly drawn sketch. At one point I tried having different notebooks for each type of journal entry. What resulted was a stack of notebooks, each with only a few passages written in them.

I finally found a method that works for me. I use two notebooks. One includes pretty much everything. I write down lists of things that happened, passages, personal experiences, quotes of something funny my kids have said, sketches and lists of websites I want to check out. I take it a lot of places. The other notebook is reserved for deeply personal spiritual experiences. I don’t carry this notebook around with me. Although I found what works for me, it’s important to try a lot of different ways to journal in order to find what works best for you. Find something that you like and can stick to.

There are so many options out there for journaling. First, think about the type of person you are. Are you a social person? Writing a blog might be best for you, as it will help you to feel connected with other people. Do you like to check things off your daily to-do list? Maybe you should look into a question and answer book where you fill out a few questions each day. Do you find that typing on the computer is easier for you? There are a lot of computer programs and websites available for journaling. (Be sure to back your entries up so you don’t lose them if your computer crashes.) Do you prefer the feel of pen and paper? Look for a journal that suits your needs.

You can also ask yourself the same type of questions for scrap-booking. Do you like a lot of embellishments or do you prefer more of a simple, clean look? Do you want to be able to record little tidbits about your photos, or do you feel that a picture is worth a thousand words? Do you prefer digital scrap-booking or the real thing? What about pockets for treasures and keepsakes like tickets from a concert or train ride? If that’s important to you, look for a binder that can hold sheet protectors or baseball card holders that you can slip your mementos into.

Whatever you decide on, make it a priority to take a few minutes every day or every week to write something down. Keep your camera handy and snap photos of everyday life. I find that when I write things down, it preserves my memories for the future. It also helps me to live more in the moment. I am able to notice the little things that go on in daily life and appreciate them more. I have found the best way to cherish the little moments in life is to record them.

QUESTION: How do you record your everyday cherished memories?

CHALLENGE: Think of several recent special memories and be sure to record them in a manner that works best for you.

Photos by Camille Garrison.

Originally published on December 20, 2011.

The post To Cherish the Little Moments, Write Them Down appeared first on Support for Moms - Power of Moms.

I’ve been studying mothers for years and if there’s one thing I believe it’s this: Mothers are not at war with other mothers, we are at war with ourselves. Every day we battle against ferocious dragons of self-doubt as they weigh us down and wear us out by inhaling everything we do wrong, nothing we do right, and blowing it back in our face.

Self-doubt is a beast like that.

One of the tell-tale signs that you have a dragon of self-doubt taking up space in your psyche is operating from what I call a “more mentality.” You believe that you always need “more” than what is in front of you in order to be happy. You need to lose more weight, get another promotion, take a better vacation, or win some big award in order to finally feel up to snuff.

Dragons of self-doubt feed off a “more mentality” by convincing you that you must supersize your career, salary, home, and fitness routine in order to feel better about yourself. The refrain is simple: You’re not good enough and more is more is more is more. So, go ahead, get your tired self up and figure out that next promotion, vacation, school application, or dream house.  

What if we stopped letting the future predict our happiness and instead found it in the present moment? What if you didn’t strive for any life other than the one you’re currently living? 

If you’re looking to stop basing your happiness in a hypothetical future and start soaking it up right now there is a simple answer: gratitude. In other words, being thankful for what you do have versus longing for what you don’t.

Why does gratitude work so well?  Because it can’t coexist with resentment, fear, and anxiety.

Try it. Try to be thankful for a sunny day and pissed off that it will rain tomorrow. Your mind finds it impossible to process both emotions at once because they’re in direct opposition to each other.

So, the next time you find yourself annoyed with the present moment and tempted to go fix the future with all your might, hit pause and be thankful for what’s around you. And magically you’re reminded that what you have is enough without the need to always grasp for more.  

The power of gratitude is simple. It turns your stuff into enough. 

Here’s an example of gratitude snapping me out of my more mentality: last year when my daughter and I went on our first cruise together, I found myself incredibly overwhelmed by the number of people on the ship, lack of food between meals, and near-constant seasickness.

In other words, I found myself wanting (and sometimes begging) for more than was meeting my eyes. More space on the boat, more alone time with my daughter, more margaritas that didn’t come out of slushie machines. The list was endless. By the end of the trip I had a bad taste in my mouth but desperately wanted to be grateful for the current situation instead of trying to fast forward to a better one.   

On the final day of the cruise, my daughter and I made a list of the fifty amazing things we saw or experienced on the cruise. Our list included things like eating soft-serve ice cream five times a day, getting henna tattoos, contorting our bodies to fit in the tiniest shower on the planet, and reenacting that famous scene from the movie Titanic on the front of the boat. 

It was a fun exercise and forced me to recognize that it was a better vacation than my mind was allowing me to remember. In other words, it taught me that the imperfect vacation with my daughter was enough. I didn’t need more.

This experience reminds me of a fortune cookie message I keep posted inside a cabinet I open every morning at home; it simply says “The pleasure of what we enjoy is lost by wanting more.”

Gratitude is a powerful force against our dragons of self-doubt. Gratitude says, “What I have is enough and I don’t need more.” There’s nothing else quite like it.

If you’re looking for a daily gratitude practice that’s easy to stick to, try turning gratitude into a game with your children. As part of our bedtime ritual, I lie next to each of my kids and we name our peak and pit from the day, i.e., the best and worst part of the past twelve hours. It’s easy and doesn’t require a lot of brainpower or time.

Give it a try! The demands of a busy life are taxing, but they don’t exhaust your soul. It’s the warped belief that you can and should be doing more, that’s keeping you down.

QUESTION: Do you find yourself plagued by self-doubt, dissatisfied with your current life, and/or always wanting more?

CHALLENGE: Choose a way to incorporate a gratitude practice into your routine this week—whether it is adding it to your child’s bedtime routine or your mealtime conversations, or just keeping a personal journal. See if you feel differently about your life after this regular practice.

Edited for Power of Moms by Sharon Brown and Nollie Haws.
Image from Unsplash via PicMonkey.
This article originally appeared on Katherine’s blog here.

The post Stop and Smell the Gratitude appeared first on Support for Moms - Power of Moms.

I just spent the last two weeks visiting my family in Iowa. Like every family, we have similarities in opinions as well as differences, things we get about each other and things we don’t, and specific ways we enjoy spending our time together, avoiding other activities entirely. And it’s always interesting to see how everyone continues to change over time. The older my three sisters and I get, the more divergent our lives become as we develop our own family identities, make our own choices, and experience very different life challenges and circumstances.

I love the family I grew up in and we had a wonderful visit, but I always find it interesting during reunions like these how easy it is for everyone to fall back into the roles we played during our growing up years. This can be either comforting or frustrating, depending on your family history and dynamics. (Or maybe a little of both!) It’s natural for family members to see us as they always did, holding tight to preconceived notions about who we are, what we’re good at, and where we belong in the world. And when the people around us treat us a certain way based on their assumptions about who we are, it’s hard not to respond in kind. What are the dynamics in your family?

The baby of the family may have a hard time being taken seriously, while the oldest child may always be seen as bossy. A child who caused a lot of grief over the years may still be resented and assumed a trouble maker even though they have long since grown up and seen the error of their ways. The “good” son or daughter may carry an unspoken expectation to fix everyone else’s problems and be responsible to make important decisions even if they don’t want to. These are just a few examples of how your family of origin can affect the way you feel about who you are and your ability to recreate yourself–especially if that family lives nearby and your lives are intertwined.

Why do I even bring this up? Because as we think about making progress as mothers this month, I think it’s important to identify all the hidden areas that may be hampering our ability to move forward. Maybe you have a talent you’d like to pursue, but you feel the disapproval of your mother since she never did anything for herself when you were young. Maybe you want to become a more positive person, but your sister is used to the two of you getting together to complain about everything under the sun. Maybe you’re trying to lose weight, but every family gathering involves high fat, sugar-laden foods that you’re expected to eat.

I’m guessing just about everyone reading this post can relate! And we can all take comfort in that. Our families aren’t necessarily trying to sabotage our progress, but making headway on our personal goals can require a certain degree of determination and focus that may leave our families wondering what happened to their daughter/sister/aunt/niece.

Can we succeed in ways that are important to us while still keeping our family relationships intact? Can we believe in our own personal change and growth when our families believe we will always be the same? I have three thoughts that may help in the process, but I’d love to hear yours as well:

1. Don’t pass judgment. Just because you’ve switched to an all organic, vegan diet in an effort to improve your health doesn’t mean you should turn your nose up at those digging into the 4th of July burgers at the family picnic. A condescending attitude never motivated change in others, let alone earned respect for the one looking down at everyone else from their self-appointed pedestal.
2. Don’t take offense where none was intended. Are you sure your brother was really implying you shouldn’t pursue your dream of going back to school, or was he just asking a sincere question in an effort to better understand your plans and intentions? We can be blind to our own assumptions about how others perceive us when they may be just as happy as we are to move on. Ask yourself if you’re doing the very thing you’re accusing your family of denying them the opportunity to change.
3. This leads to my last thought: allow your family to change as well. By consistently pursuing your own goals with a non-plussed, non-judgmental attitude, you silently give your family permission to make whatever changes and goals they’ve been dreaming up too.

Overcoming the unhelpful labels and expectations that persist among extended family members makes it possible for families to do what they do best: provide support and encouragement for each other in whatever individual goals everyone may be pursuing. Of course, depending on how things went down in your family of origin, you’ll want to learn from that and create an atmosphere of encouragement and support among your own children as they grow up under the same roof and eventually leave home to become “themselves”. After all, you’re going to be the mother at the family reunion someday, and you’ll want those times to be something everyone looks forward to–tofu burgers and all.

Question: In what ways does your family of origin hamper your progress? How do you think you can rise above it and succeed anyway?

Image provided by the author.

Originally published on June 23, 2011.

The post Overcoming Family Labels appeared first on Support for Moms - Power of Moms.

For as long as I can remember, I’ve always wanted to be passionate about my work. I didn’t want to work just for the paycheck. Waking up each day excited about work was my goal!

Before my son was born, I had great visions of life as a working mom. I would get up, drop him off at daycare, go to work, and then come home and be with him. That all changed the moment he was born.

I immediately knew I didn’t want to go back to my job. It just didn’t feel right. But at the same time, I had no idea what to do. I didn’t want to stay home full time, but didn’t know of any other possibilities. I decided to apply for jobs while on maternity leave, hoping for something closer to home. Otherwise, I would be returning to my job that was an hour away.

To my disappointment, nothing panned out by the time my maternity leave ended. 

There I was, pump bag in hand, heading back to work. While everyone was welcoming me back, inside I was dying. I would sit in my office, crying and searching the Internet for a community of moms to connect with who would understand me. The isolation was real.

I felt disconnected from my work. I lacked creativity and joy. I was just there to do what someone else told me to do.

There had to be more to life than this! 

A few weeks after my return to work, I was talking with a woman who had negotiated a deal with her employer to work part time while her kids were young. 

This got me thinking! Working part time wasn’t an option, but I could ask to work from home two days a week, which would at least eliminate my commute.

I immediately got to work writing the perfect proposal, being careful to answer all the questions that could come up. There was no way they could say no to this! 

My heart was crushed when the proposal was rejected.

Without thinking, I walked back to my office and sent an email to a part-time job I had applied to while on maternity leave.

Within minutes I received an email back—they were still looking for someone. Absolute divine timing! I got the job, and by the time my son was 6 months old I was working just three days a week with a 25-minute commute!

I worked at that job for a year, and whenever I think of that time it brings a smile to my face. It was the best decision I could’ve made! 

I did eventually return to full-time work. I had another baby, and within a few years found myself back in the same unhappy spot.

Why was I at this place again?

I began to look inside myself for answers.

I started meditating and journaling. This broke me wide open. Dreams I had pushed aside started to come to the front of my mind. I couldn’t get them out of my head.

I wanted to be able to pick my kids up from school at 3 p.m. and not put them in aftercare.

I wanted to work from home, especially during the summer, so I could be with my kids more.

I visualized myself handing in my resignation, then enjoying summer days at the park and the pool.

Now the only problem was, how in the world to do this?

A few options came to me—return to part-time work, grow the network marketing business I had started, or start my own business. 

So I did what I thought was best. I applied to jobs and interviewed. I didn’t get a single offer. Here I was, again, at a crossroads, except this time I was going to make a decision that had been inside me all along.

It was time to start my own business. What a scary but exciting decision! I handed in my resignation, and off I went. 

Unsure of what to do, I journaled and asked myself these questions:

What have I done for other people? What did I enjoy the most? What am I really good at? Where are my strengths?

After spending 11 years in fundraising and event planning, I felt confident that working with nonprofits on their events would be a perfect fit for me.

My next step was to reach out to everyone I could think of to provide me with advice, connections, and, of course, work. My network became my lifeblood, especially those who left the corporate world to become entrepreneurs.

Surrounding myself with people who had done what I’m doing helped me keep the faith when things got hard. They knew what I was going through and gave me the support I needed. 

Work didn’t suddenly appear from the sky. Through patience, consistency, and perseverance came clients, and work.

In the last year there were four months where I had absolutely no work. I was so defeated, but I kept reaching out to my network, connecting with new people, and putting myself out there.

Finally, seven months after leaving my full-time job, only having one client, running an event that was fun but brought in no income, and racking up credit card debt to pay our bills, I found steady income. Someone in my network knew I was looking for consistent work I could do from home. She recommended me and I got the job.

A weight had been lifted off my shoulders!

Today I am passionate about helping working moms do work they love. I host a podcast for working moms and teach working moms how to build a business on the side to free them from their current 9-5. I am also a consultant who helps nonprofits, the membership coordinator for a higher education company, and a part-time director at a local high school foundation.

Is this exactly what I want out of life? No, but it is a stepping stone to where I want to be.

My top priorities right now are being able to pick my kids up from school without having them in aftercare, spending our summers together at the pool, going to parks, and enjoying our time together as a family.

What I’m doing right now is allowing myself to fulfill those priorities. This is not the end of my journey—only the beginning.

It all started by following my intuition and knowing there was more for my life than what I was living. Meditating, journaling, connecting with my network, and being consistent are the reasons I’m excited to work every day.

We all have the ability within us to do what we love and live life by our terms. It’s just a matter of whether you are willing to take the action—especially the scary and uncomfortable action.

QUESTION: Since having children, have you felt a pull to change your priorities? Or are you “doing what you love” every day?

CHALLENGE: Examine your strengths and determine ways you can utilize them more fully in your life. 

Edited by Ashley Dickson and Nollie Haws.
Image from Unsplash via PicMonkey.

The post My Journey from Full-Time Working Mom to Entrepreneur appeared first on Support for Moms - Power of Moms.

This article originally posted on December 6, 2014.

We have a strict policy in our home of waiting until after Thanksgiving to start celebrating the Christmas season. No Christmas music, no Christmas decorations, NOTHING resembling Christmas can touch our home until we have fully celebrated Thanksgiving Day. Why? Because I want to bask in the simplicity and gratitude of that holiday for as long as I can before Christmas Craziness sets in. Thankfully, my entire family has adopted my philosophy. In fact, this year my teenagers declared that for every home that puts up Christmas lights before Thanksgiving Day, a reindeer dies. It’s true. 

The post Christmas Craziness and the Sane Mother appeared first on Support for Moms - Power of Moms.

The holiday season can be so much fun! But if we aren’t careful it can also become busy, stressful, and overwhelming. These three moms have found ways to truly enjoy the holidays in more simple, deliberate ways.

Read by Ann Graham and edited by Christy Elder.

The post Stop, Simplify, Enjoy | Teach Kids to Serve | Care of Yourself [Audio Post: Season 4: Episode 19] appeared first on Support for Moms - Power of Moms.

Here’s the sad truth: my husband and I are horrible about getting out on dates together. I could list off a number of reasons why (we’ve moved a lot over the years, we rarely live by family…), but the real reason is that we haven’t made it a priority. It’s time to change that!

I’m so grateful to have found the perfect planning tool to make this new priority a reality, and I wanted to share it here in case it helps you, too. Bonus—it’s a great Christmas gift for any hard-to-shop-for husbands!

Camille over at Friday We’re in Love has made this awesome free printable, A Year of Dates. It has a page for each date so you can record your plans. Then you grab a binder and some page protectors and put it all together, along with the tickets, gift cards, or anything you’ll need for the dates. 

With the planning out of the way, you’ve already done the hard part! Now you can just enjoy the fun of spending quality time together throughout the year. 

Camille did such an awesome job of putting together this printable. I love that you can print pages for the entire year, or only as many dates as you want to give. This could just as easily be used for family dates or kid dates, which is great as well!

And don’t stress if you’re worried about coming up with enough date ideas. Camille has you covered there as well! She has loads and loads of date ideas at Friday We’re in Love: dates for every budget, season, and phase of life.

QUESTION: Do you get regular, quality time with your husband?

CHALLENGE: Spend some time now to pre-plan some dates for next year.

Image from StockSnap/pixabay.

The post Power of Moms Pick: A Year of Dates appeared first on Support for Moms - Power of Moms.

I read his text, laughed out loud, and went to Ebay where I quickly found a replacement. My reaction to Hansie’s drowned phone wouldn’t have been quite as carefree if he’d ruined or cracked the screen of a $300 phone, but his sturdy red phone served him well for three years and $16.73 to replace it felt perfectly reasonable. Our phone carrier’s store doesn’t even sell basic phones anymore—we’re starting to feel like rebels.

A handful of kids we know are still hanging on to the old phones. Most of them own the same model—a little LG slider. It’s a better phone than you might think. It receives texts, calls, and even photos (as long as it’s not a group text) just like its fancier cousins. It also holds lists and a handy little calendar where Hansie notes every appointment and assignment, game and party in his impossibly busy life. As a bonus, those phones are practically indestructible. The screens never break, they can be dropped repeatedly, and even submerged in water—just not for the length of a surfing outing.

Trust me: I don’t think you’re a bad parent if you buy your kid an iPhone. You’re not a bad kid if you’re using one. Some of my favorite teenagers on earth own smartphones and use them responsibly. But honestly, I think they’re a rare breed. These kids have tremendous impulse control and extraordinary parents. I think if everyone at my house had iPhones and iPads and iTouches and iEverything, I’d be constantly scolding and monitoring and sending them outside to play. I think we’d talk less, tackle fewer projects, and spend too much time watching other people’s lives.

My kids will tell you we’re not strict parents, and we have much more laughter than rules at our house. You might think my high-school-aged boys are constantly begging for an upgrade from their basic phones. Instead, they thank us over and over for their little red phones. Why? They’ve seen too many kids lose themselves to their phones. Friends who used to talk and throw a frisbee during the lunch hour are now obsessed with their Twitter feed and how many likes they’ve received on Instagram.

People seem to think we’re extremists when they hear my kids don’t own any devices beyond basic phones. In truth, we still spend too much time looking at screens. Thanks, or no thanks, to Amazon and Netflix, my younger kids have read fewer books and seen far more movies and television shows than their older siblings. They’ve all spent hours and hours on TED talks, on Khan Academy learning math and computer programming, and just watching funny YouTube videos. My four younger kids regularly grab my phone to check Instagram, play Angry Birds, or study French and German on Duolingo. And you know what? One smartphone is enough for the five of us.

It seems to me that we might be falling into the same trap as some of our phone-using predecessors of the early twentieth century. They were first to have telephones installed in their homes, and they used this great convenience to spend hours on end listening to calls intended for their neighbors. Will we one day make the same realization that we are neglecting our own lives to be spectators to others’ lives?

As much as possible, I want to gift my kids with a creative, active life. And they agree. Maybe it’s because we know ourselves. Our family trees on both sides are full of alcoholics and philanderers. We know we are prone to addictions; we know we need to be careful.  Even my 11-year-old, with her happy life of ballet and baking, cello and sewing and swimming, knows she needs to limit her time on Instagram for her own contentment. If she looks at it daily, she starts to feel like the only little girl in the world who hasn’t eaten lunch at an American Girl Doll Store. Let’s face it: don’t we all suffer from a bit of Instagram envy from time to time?

A fair amount of high-schoolers can handle a smartphone’s constant access to social media, but those forums can be especially dangerous for adolescents. Why, during the most vulnerable, insecure years of our children’s lives, would we put a device in their hands that allows them to compare themselves to everyone else nearly every minute of the day?  Thanks to social media, kids can see every party they weren’t invited to and every girl who racks up 500 likes on her selfie. I’d rather let my kids remain blissfully unaware of the latest swimsuit pic and rocking party.

I follow several of my kids’ friends on Instagram and even more of them follow my feed. While most of the older teens offer happy, interesting updates, the majority of younger kids (with a few lovely exceptions) seem to be screaming, “Like me, like me, like me!”

My 13-year-old tells me several of his classmates talk about the latest Instagram or Snapchat or Twitter post all day long. I know his lack of a phone leaves him out of the loop, but it’s a loop he’s glad to be out of. He spends plenty of time with friends who appreciate him simply for himself and he’s too happy to worry about how other kids spent their weekend. Besides, studies confirm, kids who are socially precocious at 13 deal with serious consequences later. That pattern has held true for every one of my children—they aren’t the cool kids in junior high, but the interpersonal skills they develop at home and with trusted friends pay off in high school.

It’s hard enough for adults to manage a smartphone, but for kids with developing brains, those constant distractions can be dangerous. One child might be ready to own a smartphone at 16, but will his younger sibling have the same impulse control when he gets to the same age? It’s easier to make a rule for the entire family rather than make one child feel singled out.

Our friend’s son recently confessed a pornography addiction to his parents. Since he was primarily accessing porn on his phone, the boy willingly relinquished his iPhone to his parents. His mother told me she desperately wishes she’d never given him a smartphone in the first place. In this boy’s case, without a smartphone he might have avoided a pornography addiction. For many other kids, holding off on buying a smartphone might help them concentrate on schoolwork, improve face to face social skills, or simply make better use of time.  Sure, you can block websites and even the Internet on a smartphone, but people can text pornographic images to your child any time. My boys are often involved in group texts with dozens of people. Images are sent during those conversations, but their “dumb“ phones translate them into web links (which they could look up, but they never bother).

Many times it’s during a group text that someone sends a shocking image.  This just happened in a group text of over 200 kids who were planning a senior prank. One kid posted the sort of selfie no one wanted to see. For the kids with smartphones, the image popped right up, but the kids with basic phones only saw the text of a web link. Additionally, kids with basic phones are simply putting less of their lives on the internet, and that lack of sharing protects them.

As I said before, I promise I’m not judging anyone who hands his or her kids the latest iPhone. Several of my favorite teens carry one in their pocket. But if you buy your teens little red flip phones, I promise they won’t be alone. And they’ll probably thank you for it.

QUESTION: How have your children been affected by smartphones? What are your family’s policies regarding smartphone use?

CHALLENGE: Talk with your children about the advantages and disadvantages of using smartphones. If appropriate, set goals to help each other make positive changes in your mobile phone use.

Edited by Sarah Monson and Amanda Lewis.
Image from FreeDigitalPhotos/cooldesign. Graphics by Anna Jenkins.
Originally published on July 23, 2015.

The post Why Your Teenager Might Be Happier Without a Smartphone appeared first on Support for Moms - Power of Moms.

Every year our family does the 12 Days of Christmas.  We choose a family that is in need of some added Christmas cheer and we secretly deliver gifts every night before Christmas. The kids love to sneak up, drop the gift, ring the bell and run as fast as they can so they don’t get caught. It is amazing what joy this brings to our family and to the family trying so hard to guess who their secret friends are.

The post The Twelve Days of Christmas Kindness: A New Family Tradition appeared first on Support for Moms - Power of Moms.

 

It’s here! The time for giving. Deliberate moms share ways you can give meaningful gifts during the holidays without giving yourself a ton of stress and debt. 

 

 

 

 

 

Transforming Christmas: How to Give Experiences by Rebecca Brown Wright

 

Holiday Shopping Guide for the Shopping Impaired by Allyson Reynolds

 

Ten Ways to Enjoy the Holidays on a Budget by Allyson Reynolds

The post Give Experiences | Holiday Shopping | Holidays on a Budget Audio Post: [Season 4: Episode 18] appeared first on Support for Moms - Power of Moms.

A couple of weeks ago our family enjoyed a dinner gathering with some extended relatives. As we were catching up on each other’s lives, I shared with a cousin how I had an opportunity to do a spot on a local TV show in the coming week. I was telling the story in the context of how I freeze and stammer when a camera is pointed at me and how worried I was that I would blow it. (Incidentally, I was spared from finding out how I would react since the opportunity went to someone else.)

As I was going on and on about it in a rather dramatic fashion, she stopped me dead in my tracks and told me  I needed to tell a different story. What was she talking about? This was my story and I was telling it exactly as I saw it. But she would have none of it.

Before I could even object, she began painting a much different narrative for me, giving me positive phrases such as “I was given this opportunity for a reason” and “I will feel calm, capable, and confident when I go on set.” When I realized how dead serious she was, I also instantly recognized how absolutely right she was. I was creating a sort of self-fulfilling prophecy by visualizing my failure and even telling others about it in full detail! I needed to tell a different story.

Fast forward to this week as my family spends Thanksgiving in Sedona, Arizona. We are staying in a time share resort on a week that was given to us as a Christmas gift last year.

While I certainly don’t want to be the person who complains about free accommodations (and in such a beautiful part of the world), I couldn’t help but notice upon check-in how tiny the little mobile home units were and the rather funky smell inside our particular unit. (Time share owners know that all exchanges are not created equal, especially when you are trying to get two units out of what is typically one, which is what we are doing since we’re traveling with children.)

Curious, I checked Trip Advisor to see how this place ranked among reviewers. It certainly wasn’t listed among the top ten places to stay in the area, but I was struck by the story that was told by those who gave the resort overwhelmingly positive reviews.

After reading those reviews, I had to agree: the units are indeed very clean, they are located in a very peaceful and secluded part of town, and the little galley kitchen is quite well-equipped. Not only that, but there is a heated pool, mini golf, workout room, and best of all–free laundry! (This is a huge bonus for a mother of four.)

In short, my outlook on our accommodations changed dramatically after reading the stories told by those optimistic reviewers.

One last experience, I am actually writing this on Thanksgiving Day while our family makes the two hour drive from Sedona to Gilbert to share dinner with my husband’s grandparents who live in a senior living center. In fact, they are the one and only reason we chose to spend Thanksgiving week in Arizona.

Truth be told, in terms of comfort and fun, I’d rather be sleeping in my own bed and making my own favorite Thanksgiving recipes, but since we haven’t see his grandparents in several years and they are at the point where they can no longer travel, we decided to make a family trip out of visiting them.

When we first saw them on Sunday afternoon, I was reminded why we would go to so much trouble to spend this one meal together. Grandma always has a smile on her face and never fails to make you feel like you are her favorite. In fact, despite forgetting our names and asking us several times who we were, she still managed to make us feel like a million bucks.

She must have told my little 5-year-old (who I’m sure she doesn’t remember) about five or ten times, “I love you a hundred and a ton!” while giving her squeeze after squeeze. Grandpa has a type of Parkinson’s that makes him much less expressive, but in the past he was always the same. Both of them are expert at turning their full attention to whoever they are with by asking lots of personalized questions, showing great interest in the response, and then dishing out compliments for traits that only become obvious when in their presence. You can’t help but honor people like that.

As I admired the pictures from their long and happy life together covering the walls of their tiny apartment (they were high school sweethearts), I felt a twinge of sadness for how their life is now. But did I get that feeling from them? To the contrary!

The story they told of their current life was not of declining health, loneliness, or their inability to get out and about as they used to. It was a story of the lovely people who live and work at their center, how tasty the food is, and the gratitude and love they felt for us. I greatly admired their ability to tell a story of optimism and gratitude even in the face of something that, to me, seems very daunting.

I know by the time this is published Thanksgiving will be over and many people will have moved on to Black Friday sales, but I’d like to spend just a few more moments reflecting on these experiences and their connection to gratitude as well as their relevance to the motherhood.

How often do we set ourselves up for failure as mothers by telling a story (sometimes just to ourselves) of incompetence or fear? A nasty narrative that says we aren’t cut out for this opportunity and will probably mess it up?

How often do we tell a story of all the ways our material life is lacking–whether it be the size of our home, the shape of our body, or the messes created by our children? How often do we tell a story that dwells on the negative circumstances of our lives and all the ways we have been wronged?

How many times have we told all of these stories and more when we could have just as easily been washed over with confidence, gratitude, and optimism by simply turning our minds to blessings instead of our challenges?

Speaking for myself, I know I’ve already spent far too much of my life’s energy focusing on the negative, and I want to spend as much of the rest of my life telling a different story; a story of gratitude, a story of optimism, a story that focuses on all the beauty, joy, and love surrounding me every day. And I know it’s possible because of the examples of the people in each one of these stories.

I want to be that kind of person; That kind of mother. Because when we are, not only does it become possible to enjoy and grow from the experience of motherhood much more than we would otherwise, but we will teach our children how to tell stories of their own.

QUESTION: What kind of stories do you tell? Are they stories that help you or hurt you?

CHALLENGE: If they are stories that hurt you, tell a different story!

 Photo by ZZYTC at www.flickr.com

_______________________________________

Visit Amazon to get a peek inside the book! or Visit our Book Page to learn more!

Originally published on November 24, 2012.

The post Tell a Different Story appeared first on Support for Moms - Power of Moms.

In many countries, gratitude gets the spotlight in the autumn with Thanksgiving celebrations. But it’s something that can bless our families year-round. Here are three moms ideas for encouraging gratitude in simple ways. 

 

 

Thank You Notes by Amanda Hamilton Roos

What if It’s Not the Most Wonderful Time of the Year? by Michelle Jensen

The Gift of Year-Round Gratitude by Laura Hochstein

Image from PicMonkey/Unsplash.

The post Thank You Notes | Not the Most Wonderful Time | Year-Round Gratitude [Season 4: Episode 17] appeared first on Support for Moms - Power of Moms.

I count blessings like I pick beans. Sometimes one by one, sometimes by the handful. Often by surprise.

It started years ago, at a dusty small-town market. I squinted into summer sun as the farmer shoved fistfuls of skinny green beans into a paper sack. “You ever try growing your own at home?” he asked. I nodded, a newbie gardener. “I’ll tell you a secret. If you pick the whole plant clean once it’s ready, it’ll keep producing all summer, into fall. You have to pick it clean—every single bean—or it won’t work. But then you’ll get seven pickings out of every plant. Promise.”

I drove straight home, marched over to our tiny patch of dirt in the back yard, and started picking.

My husband thought I was crazy. I picked beans all the time. I turned over every leaf, looking for just one more. I bent down, shuffling row after row, searching for slender shoots with my hands, until my poor back screamed to be released. I was determined to get all those plants could give.

Every year since, I pick beans. My husband is the gardener, but those Kentucky Wonders and Blue Lakes are my babies. In early summer, I spy tiny, tender white blossoms, and I get giddy. I start grabbing handfuls in July, and by August we’re in overload mode: fresh beans every night for dinner, bowlfuls blanched in boiling water to freeze for winter.

But here’s the secret that the farmer failed to tell me: it’s impossible to pick them all. Sure, you can try—and I do. Those mythical seven pickings hang in my head as a goal every year. But it never fails that come fall, when the first snowflakes swirl and my fingers turn clumsy from the cold, I turn over leaves to find over-ripe bunches I missed all summer long.

My first few years as a bean-harvester, this drove me nuts. I wanted to know what I was doing wrong, why I couldn’t find all the beans the first time. They were right before my eyes, right under my nose and among my fingers—how could surprises hide from me every year?

But this summer I finally let my frustration go. As I picked row after row in bright August sun, I paused to watch as my two sons played in their sandbox right outside the garden gate, happily digging in the dirt. I suddenly realized that the beans were the same as my boys: full of surprises and reasons for gratitude, always one more to be found if I looked twice.

Now when I pause to give thanks—for the rare sweet moments in days full of diapers and dishes—I picture my hands pushing through thick tangles of leaves, searching for one more bean swinging from the vine. Whether it’s a tiny new sprout or a gnarled, overripe giant, there’s always another reason to be grateful, even when I have to search hard to find it.

The farmer was wrong; I didn’t have to pick every plant clean to enjoy all it had to offer. I simply had to give thanks for what I got.

Beans have become my gratitude practice, reminding me to keep searching, leaf by leaf, for small joys. Every time I’m sure I’ve exhausted the possibilities, that’s when I’m surprised, sometimes even shocked, to discover one more. One more reason to remember that this life we’re tending together as a family is pure gift.

QUESTION: What encounter with nature or with your kids has helped you to feel gratitude in an unexpected way?

CHALLENGE: The next time you feel the familiar stress of “I can never get it all completely done,” try to breathe into the imperfection and be grateful for “enough.”

_______________________________________

Visit Amazon to get a peek inside the book! or Visit our Book Page to learn more!

Images provided by the author.

The post Green Beans and Gratitude appeared first on Support for Moms - Power of Moms.

When she was little, she jumped off a car and broke her leg. She got around by scooting on her bum (and wore out the seat of her pants in the process!). Her mom put her in a wagon to walk her to school, and once at school, she had to stay in her seat until her teacher could carry her to where she needed to go.

He had a dog named Rusty who would wait for him to come home from school and run to greet him. He also played with a bobcat who was a pet of someone in town, and he had a cat who walked along the piano keys.

When she was a teenager, she once had two boys visit at the same time, and she had to come up with excuses to go back and forth so they each wouldn’t find out the other one was there. Her mom stepped in to entertain each boy while she stepped out of the room to visit the other one.

When he was a teenager, he loved to go on dates and attend the dances of his small Idaho school. He still goes to his high school reunions and knows everybody there.

My parents told us loads of stories about themselves as we were growing up. It wasn’t a formal thing. They just shared memories when they popped into their heads, or when something current related to something from their past.

It was funny to think of them as little kids, and then as silly, flirting teenagers.

But aside from amusing their kids, my parents were also (unknowingly) helping to build reading skills, self-esteem, coping skills, and more for their cute offspring.

The Atlantic reported that children who hear family stories from their parents have a better understanding of people’s thoughts and emotions and can even tell more advanced narratives, skills that help children learn to read complex material as well as get along with others.

Plus, in the preteen years, kids who hear family stories more often have higher self-esteem. Adolescents have been found to have better coping skills and stronger identities when they have a strong knowledge of their family history.

Conscious Storytelling to Form Connections

I have a pretty good memory of my childhood (but don’t ask me anything about last week—I can’t remember a thing!), so I’ve always shared stories with my children without thinking anything of it. But when my oldest turned 9 and we began to struggle to get along, I thought back to when I was her age and tried to remember what I felt then.

And then I began to consciously tell her my stories.

I told her about friends who suddenly became mean, arguments I had with my parents, and brothers who picked on me. I told her about when I was mean to friends, when I didn’t understand what was going on in school, and when I was just confused about it all. I also told her a lot of happy memories from that time.

And it brought us together. We had been fighting like cats and dogs, and suddenly, she wanted to spend more time with me—right by my side and even in my lap, lanky limbs and all. She asked me questions about my childhood, and I took those as clues as to what she might be going through. She stayed back with me any time the family walked ahead, and she talked my ear off.

It seemed she trusted me more. She knew I understood her, and she wanted to share herself with me.

It didn’t solve every problem we were having, but it sure helped with a lot of our issues.

Connection does that.

Storytelling does that.

I think there is a power in sharing our stories that we still don’t yet fully understand.

Share your story with your child.

It doesn’t have to be a sit-down conversation. Just let yourself remember memories, and speak them out loud. As you go, you’ll likely find memories that relate to the exact thing your child is going through. Tell your child what you remember. It will be a relief to them. It will form a connection.

Our children need to know us.

QUESTION: Have you told your kids many stories about you or other family members? How did they react? Is it something you’d like to do more often?

CHALLENGE: As you go about your holiday traditions this year, make an effort to share stories with your kids. You can tell them about your memories of holidays past or anything that comes to mind. Pay attention to how they respond and see if it improves your connection.

This article originally appeared on Rebecca’s blog here.

Edited for Power of Moms by Kimberly Price

Image from PicMonkey/Unsplash.

The post There’s Power in Sharing Your Story with Your Kids appeared first on Support for Moms - Power of Moms.