The Preconceptionist

My So-called Post Baby Marriage

2012-02-19T20:19:00.000-08:00

For me, having a baby has been like falling in love all over again. I've been head over heels for Cam from the minute my pee stick came back positive. But life with M since Cam came along has been a different experience.

It's tempting to frame up our post-baby marriage in a neat, tight story. But in all honesty, it's complicated, and we're still in the thick of the transformation. For those of you expecting babies in the near future, this post isn't going to be as insightful as Stuff You Need for the First 3 - 6 Months or Cloth Diapers: Yes You Can! Nevertheless, here it goes.

What I've learned so far is:

There's no such thing as 50/50. With a baby in the house, we both give 150%, and we don't give each other enough credit. Too often we get stuck in a competition of who is working the most in the office and at home. We're both sure we can't possibly give another ounce and that the other person must be hoarding some energy reserve that they should be donating to the family cause.

Adult time as a couple is hard to come by. We don't live near family and haven't found a babysitter, so the only time we get out alone as a couple is when we visit family out of town. Adult time was especially hard to come by during the newborn days when at any moment Cam could go nuclear and requier undivided attention.

Intimacy is different. If you're pregnant, you're already living this reality. Just like my body, our post-baby love life didn't snap back into place overnight. Things were altered physically, and M had to reconcile seeing me as mother and lover. It's easy to take these changes personally—and believe my I have.

Kids and money are intense. Whatever fire is lacking in the bedroom, we've found in our collisions around parenting and finances. M and I were raised in radically different environments, so not surprisingly, we have opposing views of what is best for Cam in terms of child care. And kids are expensive. No matter what you choose—paying for child care or giving up your job to stay home with your baby—your budget will take a hit.

It's normal. The reason I'm writing this post is because I suspect that what M and I are experiencing is very common. We have both admitted to each other that we've had moments when we felt like marriage shouldn't be this hard. But post-baby, it is this hard. And it doesn't mean that we're failing or doing a bad job. It means we're both working really hard and navigating a transition every bit as intense as creating new life.

As Cam closes in on 10 months old, I would describe M and I's relationship as weathered and tenacious. We're lucky that it only takes an evening out alone or an especially good family nap to tap into the raw connection we built our marriage on. But we're going to have to keep working on it if we expect to keep it.

I work with midwives, so when I was pregnant I frequently asked for advice. Without question, the number-one tip each midwife told me—independently—was to not forget about my husband. Out of all the advice they could have given as mothers and midwives, most said to go on a date night once per week. I'm certain they are absolutely right.

Cloth Diapers: Yes You Can!

2012-02-12T14:02:00.000-08:00

When I was pregnant I spent lots of brain cells debating whether to do cloth or disposable diapers. In theory, cloth sounded great, but in reality I was already using paper plates to cut down on dishes—and the baby wasn't even on the outside yet.

I wanted to do cloth diapers, but I was scared of them because:

Poop stinks. The more quickly it can be disposed of, the better.
Laundry sucks, almost as much as dishes.
Cloth diapers are expensive. I wasn't about to spend more than $100 just to try them out.

I thought the decision was clear. Disposables were the right choice. Even so, one of my friends was gracious enough to pass down her BumGenius newborn cloth diapers. I loved the colors, and the velcro latches made them look just as easy to use as disposable diapers. So I tucked them away and figured I'd give them a shot during maternity leave.

Then came Cameron. Birth and the first few weeks after was a whirlwind, and the cloth diapers stayed tucked away. They made a brief appearance in week 3 but didn't last due to annoying leaks. During week 5, my cloth-diaper-loving cousin came to visit and gave me a tutorial. I hadn't been latching the diapers tight enough around Cam's hips and legs.

The next week I visited my mom in Florida and brought the cloth diapers along. Day 1 went fine. I threw the dirty diapers—poop and all—into the wash at the end of the day, and they were ready to go for day 2. Day 2, 3, and 4 passed, and by day 5 I was hooked.

I fell in love with cloth diapers because:

They're pretty.
Poop doesn't shoot up the baby's back like it does with disposables. (And if your baby is breastfed, you can put the poop diapers directly in the wash. No rinsing required.)
They save money. I bought 12 BumGenius One Size diapers, and they paid for themselves in 3 months with the money I saved not buying so many disposables.
They aren't an either-or decision. On days when I didn't feel like doing my cloth diaper laundry routine, disposables had my back.

Large and travel size wet bags and BumGenius newborn
diapers sun-drying in my mom's yard.

Now for the kicker—I did cloth diapers while bringing my baby to my full-time job for 6 months. I didn't have to hang him over the toilet in a community bathroom stall every time he needed a diaper change. Instead, I plopped him on the floor, unsnapped the diaper, squirted him with a spray bottle of water, and wiped him with a flanel cloth (using disposable wipes presents the problem of having some stuff to throw away and some stuff to keep, which can be confusing in the midst of a diaper change with a wiggly baby). Then I'd put all the dirty stuff in my handy dandy wet bag (a leak-proof bag that is actually dry—no soaking necessary these days). In the evening, I'd turn the wet bag inside out over top of my washing machine, do a quick prewash cycle, then throw a 1/4th dose of Tide in, and let her rip. Before I went to bed, I'd switch the diapers to the dryer, and when I woke up in the morning they were ready for another day.

Once Cam started solid foods, his poop changed and required rinsing. I didn't feel comfortable asking the nanny to do that, so at 7 months we switched to all disposables. But I thoroughly enjoyed my cloth diaper adventures and have tucked them away for if and when we decide to have another baby.

If you're a first-time mom and want to give cloth diapers a shot, here's what I recommend you purchase:

18 Bum Genius One Size snap diapers (These grow with your baby. I used them from 6 weeks through 7 months. 12 is just fine, but if I had it to do over again I'd get 18 so I could skip a day of laundry without having to use disposables.)
24 flanel wipes
1 spray bottle of BumGenius bottom wiper. (It's a nice way to get started. Once it's gone, just fill it back up with water or research how to make your own wipe solution.)
1 large wet bag for the nursery.
1 travel size wet bag for the diaper bag.

There's a ton more to learn about cloth diapers if you get bit by the bug. There are special laundry routines, tons more brands to choose from, and ways to keep going past 7 months. This is what worked for me. Have fun figuring out what works for you!

New Mom Primer: Stuff You Need for the First 3 – 6 Months

2012-02-07T18:16:00.000-08:00

Boobs and diapers are the only must-haves to survive the first few months of new motherhood. There’s no need for Babies "R" Us to throw up all over the nursery while you wait for your baby to arrive. But registries are fun and stuff makes life easier.

Before baby boy came along, I stitched various checklists together to figure out what I should register for and had no clue what I was doing. At the request of a good friend who is expecting her first baby in August, here is my recommended list of what to register for if you’re doing this for the first time.

Disposable diapers (Even if you choose cloth, you will want disposables on hand for days when the laundry just doesn’t get done.)
Miracle blanket (Trust me. Get it.)
Baby carrier (I recommend an Ergo plus an infant insert for the Ergo or a Moby Wrap for the first 4 months.)
Swing (Nothing fancy required)
Onesies (about 10 each of newborn, 0 – 3 months, and 3 – 6 mo)
Baby gowns (Sleepers are too much to fool with.)
Baby legwarmers (These keep legs warm and make diaper changes a breeze.)
Long socks (The short ones just fall off.)
Teething sock
Dr. Brown’s 4 ounce standard-width bottles (4 if you’re breastfeeding and at home with baby, 12 if you’ll be pumping at work)
A good stroller (This is worth test driving and spending money on. I didn’t do this, but friends who did recommend both the Orbit and Bugaboo. Second-hand purchases make them more affordable.)
Car seat (If your stroller doesn’t convert to a bassinet, try to find a car seat that fits in the stroller for the newborn days.)
Baby bathtub (Get one like this.)
Aiden & Anais muslin blankets (about 4)
Burp cloths—lots (20 is not too many)
Pacifier (Get the ones made for 0+ months. I like Nuk the best.)
Diaper bag (I’ve enjoyed my Ju-Ju-Be but would spring for the bigger size than the Be All)
Baby shampoo and lotion (just 1 bottle of each)
Aquaphor (to help prevent diaper rash and for very dry skin inside those cute baby wrinkles)
Nasal aspirator (This one is totally worth it.)
Thermometer (The ear ones suck. Temple ones are much better.)
Infant Tylenol
Boppy pillow
Baby nail clippers
Baby brush
Humidifier (I chose the warm mist, but a case could be made for the cold mist. Don't get both. That's being a pregzilla.)
Happiest Baby on the Block

Conspicuously absent from this list are sleeping and breastfeeding equipment. I can't recommend a particular cosleeper because until 7 months, the only place my baby would sleep was in bed next to me. He wanted nothing to do with the Amby Hammock and is quite happy in his crib now. As for breastfeeding supplies, that requires another post.

Six Common-sense Tips for Caring for a Sick Baby

2012-02-03T20:28:00.000-08:00

Baby boy was sick this week. It started with a cough and progressed to a low-grade fever, runny nose, and chesty cough. Nobody in the Garvey household got a full night's sleep for most of the week. It could have come from our trip to the midwife, a play break at the Potomac Mills Outlets play area, or that morning when Cam shared the gym babysitting service with 12 other kids.

By Tuesday, the ache that I never got around to writing about on the first day of day care came on as I gathered my stuff for the office and left baby boy with the nanny. By Thursday, I was officially nonfunctional from lack of sleep, and Cam was miserable.

Dr. Google convinced me that he had whooping cough or something equally horrifying, so we paid a visit to the pediatrician. Despite 4 days of fever spikes and a cough that developed into a gag reflex, it turned out to be a bad cold turned ear infection. 24 hours later, Amoxicillin made it all better.

Cam has had 2 colds before this, but this was the first time that I was really worried about him. For the benefit of other moms who've never had a baby with a cough, here's what I learned:

Keep fever under control. If a baby's fever stays too high for too long, he could have a seizure. Don't be afraid of Tylenol, and ask your pediatrician or pediatric nurse practitioner for dosage instructions.

Invest in a good thermometer. I'm not sure why, but the ear thermometer I registered for was useless. No matter whose ear I stuck it in, the result was always 97.5. The temple thermometer I bought from CVS turned out to be much more accurate and useful.

Know when to go to the pediatrician. Give it a couple days before rushing to the pediatrician. If your baby's fever is unresponsive to tylenol or if he has trouble breathing, it's time to go. If he doesn't get better after a few days, it's also time to go.

Make your baby comfortable. Turn the shower on high heat to fill the bathroom with steam before his evening bath (but watch that the hot water doesn't melt your bath mat or treads!). Use a humidifier in his room. Consider a nonmedicated Vick's plug in.

Ask for help. I had my nanny come over even on the day I chose to stay home with baby boy. She was a huge help and afforded me the luxury of catching up on sleep so I could continue to give Cam the attention he needed. If you don't have a nanny, cash in on a favor with a friend, a willing family member, or a supportive spouse. Don't be afraid to ask for what you need.

Cut yourself some slack. It's okay to not have enough energy and attention to fulfill your baby's intense needs when he's sick. Sometimes he just plain feels bad and all you can do is hold him. Do the best you can do, and don't feel guilty about not being able to completely stop his tears.

I'm happy to report that Cam's fever is finally gone, and he's returning to his normal nightly sleep pattern. It's so good to see his smile and curiosity fill our daily routine again. Health is a beautiful thing.

Turning the Annual Exam into a Field Trip

2012-01-28T09:55:00.000-08:00

This week I went back to Special Beginnings Birth & Women's Center for a well-woman exam (same thing as an annual exam or yearly physical) with the midwife who delivered Cameron. It was the first time I had seen her since the day Cameron was born, and she didn't skip a beat remembering us.

My midwife and one of my moms preparing a syringe of pain medication.

As soon as I saw her face light up and her arms open for a hug, the reasons I chose a midwife came flooding back. Cameron sat on her lap while she asked me questions about my physical and emotinal health. We rehashed the details of Cameron's birth and the possible reasons for why his heart rate dropped during the pushing phase (it was most likely due to me being dehydrated when I arrived at the birth center and Cameron deciding to fly through the pushing phase in about 15 minutes). During the physical exam, Cameron sat in his stroller and mouthed a plastic monster from my midwife's bucket of toys.

For my blood work, I sat with Cameron on my lap in the same comfy recliner I had been in for a stress test near the end of my pregnancy. My midwife called the next day to give me the blood results, which included borderline low levels of vitamin D (and I thought oxytocin was my only problem).

If I have another baby (and let's be honest, I probably will), I'll most likely choose Special Beginnings again for my prenatal care and birth. I've had access to the best medical technology has to offer—prenatal testing, pain medication, IV fluids, oxygen, pitocin—in the context of personalized, hands-on care. It doesn't get much better than that.

Adjusting to Life with Less Oxytocin

2012-01-22T06:55:00.000-08:00

Once again, my hormonal landscape is changing. Cameron is nearly 9 months old and finally getting the hang of food, which means he's nursing only 4 - 5 times in a 24 hour period. Less nursing means less pumping when we're separated and less night-time feedings. But it also means something for which I wasn't fully prepared—less oxytocin.

Up until recently, motherhood felt like a lovely haze. Sure, I was sleep-deprived and often exhausted, but I was cloaked in a thick mellow, new-love-type high that was actually quite energizing. As Cameron nurses less, I'm coming to.

Despite 8 hours of sleep most nights, my sleep debt from the past 9 months is palpable. I'm getting overwhelmed by responsibilities more easily. I forget to return phone calls and missed my little brother's birthday this week.

I'm doing a bit of an overshare here because I think how I'm feeling is quite common. My husband sent me a Yahoo news article that tagged oxytocin as the "love drug." That's when it clicked. Oxytocin has been keeping my mental health balance in the black.

Especially for someone like me, who has a history of depression, this is a vulnerable time. I've been on gaurd against postpartum depression, but I can't say I've heard much about the possibility of depression returning while baby transitions to solid food. Maybe it's because only 31% of babies are nursing at all by the time they reach 9 months old, so most women go through this earlier in the postpartum period while transitioning to formula.

The upside of my experience with depression is I know I don't have to feel bad. I have a highly attuned radar to the first hints of trouble and an arsenal of tools at my disposal. When my Grandma hit postpartum depression after her fourth birth with twighlight sleep, she was treated with shock therapy and a hystorectomy. Thank god for today's range of choices in birth and mental health.

I do, however, think we could still be doing better. As long as one in three women are giving birth by cesarean, women on Medicaid (and many private insurance companies) can't get effective treatment for mental health problems, and health care providers tell women they have to wean in order to even consider medication, we're still not where we need to be.

Top 5 Tips for Getting Your Baby to Sleep through the Night

2012-01-07T05:57:00.000-08:00

First, let’s get one thing straight. All the warm baths, bedtime routines, and ideal sleep environments in the world cannot make our babies sleep through the night. Mostly, we do stuff to make ourselves feel like we’re doing something that may someday resolve the sleepless hell we live in as new parents. In reality, our babies sleep through the night when they’re ready. It happens when it happens. Fifty percent humidity and 65 degrees Fahrenheit aside, here are 5 sanity-saving tips that helped me hang in until the big night.

1. Have realistic expectations. Technically, sleeping through the night means not waking between midnight and 5am. Most babies have difficulty achieving even that in the first few months of life.

2. Listen to your baby. Stop spending your precious spare moments researching whether it's best to go with the no-cry or Ferber method. You know your baby best and can decide what's right for him depending on his age, personality, and unique challenges (i.e. gas, teething, etc.)

3. Be flexible. What you and your baby need this week may not work next week.

4. Be patient. Cameron didn't sleep through the night until he was 7 months old. If someone told me that piece of information during the first week of motherhood, I would have shot myself. But looking back, it wasn't so bad. The first 8 weeks were the worst. After that, side-lying nursing, coffee, and evening naps kept me going until that first glorious night of 12 consecutive hours of a sleeping baby in his own bed.

5. Keep things in perspective. Sleep deprivation during the infant stage is a horrible, horrible thing. But remember, it is a small fraction of your total experience as a parent and your relationship with your child.

Ladies, Grab Your Boards

2011-12-08T16:35:00.001-08:00

I recently made a pretty radical move. M and I rented our house out and downsized to an apartment across the street from my work. We also hired a nanny for Cam. Now I have no commute, less clutter, and more time for family. How is it, then, that at noon on a Thursday I can fantasize about finding the exit door from my daily responsibilities?

Being a mom is tough shit.

I had a revelation today that made it all better, at least for this evening. Working and raising a kid is like surfing. It can be crazy fun and exhilirating...wait, what are we talking about here? Seriously, being a working mom makes me feel fabulously nimble, accomplished, and in the moment. And the key to feeling that way is not fighting the waves. You have to know when to duck dive, how far past the break to hang out, which waves to catch, and which ones to let go.

The trouble comes when you feel like you're getting pounded. You're right in the break. Nanny gets sick. Taxes are due. Mortgage is due. Cell phone stops working. Work speeds up. Dog eats pacifier. You shift into victim mode, throw your hands up, and lose your board, or your mind, whatever the case may be.

Then there are the days when you get sucked under and thrown around like a rag doll in a washing machine. You get thrashed about in the competing demands of career, motherhood, and humanhood.

You don't want to be there.

Where you want to spend your time is on top, with everything in perspective. So at noon on this Thursday when I was feeling pounded, I washed up on the shore of my 2-bedroom apartment and spent my lunch break nursing and rocking my baby. By 1 o'clock I was back in the water heading past the break to choose my next wave.

That's where we all want to be.
.

Whose Baby is the Best?

2011-12-06T16:43:00.001-08:00

Is it just me, or does every mom think they lucked out and won the baby lottery? Tonight, Cameron spit up in my face. But, no matter—I truly believe it doesn't get any better than this.

Delusional or not, I can't get enough of his contagious smile, his gorgeous blue eyes, and his tri-colored blonde hair that looks just like mine. You should hear him squeal when his dad tickles his ribs, and watch his tongue flutter back and forth when he's hungry. He's the most sociable, contented baby ever (except, of course, when he's hungry or tired or needs to be changed or wants attention). He's astonishingly advanced for a toothless 7-month-old who can't seem to get the hang of solid food. He crawls like a fish out of water and is already pulling up, falling down, and crying about it. I never have to change his sheets because he hardly ever sleeps in his crib. He's developed this adorable little habit of falling asleep on my head or kneeling beside me with his cheek resting on my side. He loves hanging upside down and throws his arms over his head to let me know he's ready for a whirl. He can woo any poker-faced stranger in line at Starbucks and the babysitter at the gym does the happy dance when Cam waltzes into the playroom. To put it simply, he is nothing short of magnetizing.

Doesn't everybody wish they had a baby like mine?

Flu shots, schmloo shots

2011-12-01T19:25:00.001-08:00

Last year I went on a couple rants about the flu shot. I never did get one when I was pregnant because I didn't think the strength of the research warranted exposing my fetus to the risk of a vaccination. So it may surprise you to learn that Cam and I each got a flu shot this fall.

My reasoning was that I don't see strong evidence for or against the flu vaccine. Whether or not it works depends entirely on if the scientists accurately predict the strain of flu that will be circulating in any given year. I figured I'd place my bets on the scientists this year and give it a shot.

Fast forward one month, and I came down with the flu for the first time in 5 years. What I thought was food poisoning on my first night in Hong Kong turned out to be flu. M caught it 48 hours later, and 48 hours after that, our nanny caught it.

Thankfully Cam never caught it. If he caught what I had, I have no doubt he would end up in the hospital. It's possible that the flu shot afforded him some protection. It's possible that it afforded me some protection because my symptoms were nowhere near as severe as M's...but then again that's usual. My immune system is tougher than M's.

What I think is more likely is that Cam was nursing the whole time I was sick (yep, between trips to the bathroom), so he was getting steady doses of antibodies from my breastmilk.

Has anyone else come down with the flu this year? Are you planning on getting a flu shot? How 'bout your little one?

Have Baby, Will Travel

2011-11-28T17:10:00.001-08:00

Cameron and me in Hong Kong

Before Cameron was an itty bitty zygote, M and I decided that after we had our first child we would travel to China. We've always been a spontaneous duo and we didn't want having a baby to put a stop to our adventures. So, this past week we went whole hog and spent Cameron's first Thanksgiving in Hong Kong.

The flight was 15 hours. The time change was 11 hours. All three of us made it through with our sanity in tact and no benadryl during the flight. (Confession: I drugged baby boy with a 1/4 dose of benadryl to help him sleep the first night.) Thankfully, English is an official language in Hong Kong and the city's public transportation system is easy to navigate. Overall, it ended up being a fabulous first trip to Asia.

For other adventurous parents out there, I offer these international travel tips we learned through trial and error:

Schedule the flight during usual night sleep time if possible. The flight to Hong Kong was easier than the flight back to the U.S. because the first flight took place pretty close to the time that Cameron usually goes down for the night.
Know ahead of time how you feel about medication. On a 15-hour plane ride, sleepy meds can be quite attractive. Know that the benadryl bottle says not to give it to children under 4 years old. Because of that and because of the sensitive nature of my baby boy, I wasn't comfortable using benadryl while we were in the air. He had never had that medication, and if he were to have a reaction in the air, I'd never forgive myself. However, I have a friend who is a nurse who gave benadryl to her children on an international flight when they were younger than 4. So, at 2am in Hong Kong I was perfectly fine with testing a 1/4 dose to combat the time change.
Rely on breast milk and/or jarred baby food for infant nutrition. Unfortunately, M and I both got food poisoning in Hong Kong. I'm so thankful that I didn't try to give Cameron a sample taste of the local cuisine.
Have a plan for if your baby gets sick. If Cameron had gotten sick in Hong Kong, we wouldn't have known what to do other than go to the hotel lobby and beg for help. Next time I travel international with baby boy I'll do research ahead of time.
Bring a baby carrier and an umbrella stroller. Our Ergo baby carrier was perfect for moving naps throughout the day. But we were also grateful for our umbrella stroller to give our backs a break and baby boy a chance to wiggle around a bit more.
Carry hand sanitizer. In general, I think we're overzealous about hand sanitizer in the U.S. But I'm so glad I had my Purell in Hong Kong. Cameron has blue eyes and blonde hair, which meant he was a veritable celebrity in Asia. There's no telling how many strangers reached out to shake his little hands.
Request bulkhead seating. We lucked out and got this special row on the way home. If your infant isn't sitting up on his own yet, they'll bring out a bassinet that hooks into the wall. Even if baby is too old for the bassinet, the extra leg room makes a fabulous mid-flight play area.

Please chime in if you have additional tips to offer. I'm sure this won't be our last trip!

What a Mom Wants

2011-11-06T07:09:00.000-08:00

Well folks, I'm writing to you from the other side of change—the side I've been trudging toward for pretty much the entire month of October. It feels fairytale-ish to wake up every morning to a world with enough space for me, an engaging career, and Cam, even though fairytales rarely involve poop diapers and pumps...and I don't mean black leather pumps.

This side of 6 months into motherhood and 2 weeks of full-time childcare under my belt feels nothing like I expected. I thought I would feel like a dead-beat, uninvolved mom being away from Cameron 40 hours each week. I thought the oxytocin high that helps me power through sleep deprivation would vanish into oblivion. Instead I feel more competent at work and at home, and oxytocin is still my best friend.

I learned a lot about change during the past month. I learned that you have to get very specific about what it is you want, and you have to want it bad. Maybe you can't pick up and move across the street from your work like I did, but there are so many options. What about arranging a nanny share at your house so you don't have to make the daycare commute every day? Could you telecommute one or two days per week? Could you cut back your work hours or even take a year or two off? Could you hire a housekeeper once per month or every other week so you can spend your down time bonding with your baby instead of doing housework? Or could you get a used Ergo carrier and go through your weekend routine with your baby on your back?

Being a mom is hard whether you work out of the home or not. Go get what you need, mama.

Rice Cereal Gone Horribly Wrong

2011-10-19T17:18:00.000-07:00

The rice cereal I fed Cameron

Solids aren't going so well. Yesterday I fed Cameron less than a tablespoon of rice cereal, and about 2 hours later he projectile vomitted for 30 minutes straight--to the point of throwing up icky yellow mucus when he had nothing left to throw up.

After he was thoroughly spent, Cameron fell asleep in my arms and I sat there watching his face go pale and his lips lose color. Of course, I panicked. I called the pediatrician's office, and the nurse told me it was probably the rice cereal. She said to keep an eye on him and call back if he didn't get better by the afternoon.

For the first hour, I let him sleep in my arms so I could sob over him and make sure he was still breathing. At the start of the second hour I placed him in his swing and joined a conference call for work. Half way through the call, he woke up and, much to my relief, started nursing again. By the end of the call he was back to his alert, smiley self. What the heck?

This is actually the second time he's had this reaction. The first time was less severe and not as traumatic. I have a degree in dietetics and have taken classes in infant and child nutrition. Starting solid foods was supposed to be a cinch for me. But I don't have a clue how to proceed from here.

My way forward to something less exhausting

2011-10-15T06:55:00.000-07:00

Cam and me at work.

I've known for the past month that I would be announcing a big change on this blog. Until last week, I didn't know what that change would be. I just knew that the pace I was keeping at home and at work was not sustainable. For the longest time, I was stuck in analysis paralysis with no clear path ahead. Last week my way forward appeared when I least expected it in a form I could not have imagined beforehand.

M and I have decided to move. We signed a lease last weekend for a beautiful apartment cattycornered across the street from my office. We've also hired a fabulous nanny, which means I'll get to visit Cameron on my lunch break as time allows. We move next weekend, and the nanny starts October 31.

During the past 6 months, I've learned that staying sane as a working mom is a radical endeavor. It requires either extraordinary effort, exorbitant expense, and/or major lifestyle changes...sometimes all of the above. I'm fortunate to have a job I love and a son I love even more to make it worth doing.

No Time to Pump? No Problem.

2011-09-23T18:55:00.000-07:00

This morning I reached new heights as a working mother. Today was the first day of a big board meeting at work. I knew I'd be late since Cameron's day care doesn't open until 8:30am. (He got into the part-time day care I wanted!) I also knew I'd need to pump first thing in the door, which would mean I'd miss out on the start of an important discussion.

So, as working moms often do in order to survive, I came up with a creative solution--I would pump during my drive from day care to work.

I had it all planned out. My trusty bustier would allow for hands-free pumping, and I scrounged up six AA batteries that would eliminate the need for an electrical outlet. But wouldn't ya know it, I left my heap of batteries on the dining room table.

So, after schleping baby boy to day care, I pulled into a gas station in hopes of finding batteries. They had what I needed...for $18?! I sucked it up and swiped my debit card.

Back in the car, I began the arduous task of strapping myself to an electric pump while maintaining modesty and a modicum of dignity. I was almost ready to roll when a man walked up to my window. Oh god, I thought, he's going to ask what the heck I'm doing in his parking lot, and I'm going to have to go on an awkward crusade for nursing moms.

"Ma'am," he said, "did you buy batteries?"

"Uh, yeah," I said as I whipped my sweater shut. I don't think he had a clue that he was interrupting anything.

"My guy charged you too much," he said.

I would have given anything for him to just forget it and walk away, but instead I said, "Okay, thanks. I'll be back in."

I waited in line again, strapped halfway into my bustier hidden under my sweater. I claimed my $9 refund, got back in the car, and went on my merry way to work, pumping all the way.

I walked into the board meeting 30 minutes late with 8 ounces of milk in my bag and just enough time to introduce myself before the big discussion began. Go me.

Work-life Balance on Steroids

2011-08-27T17:22:00.000-07:00

I’m not a Glamour-type girl, but this week my iPod was out of power and I needed a diversion. So, I picked up a tattered issue from the magazine rack at the gym and climbed onto the elliptical.

After thumbing through the pages, I landed on a column of quotes inspired by Sarah Jessica Parker’s new movie, I Don’t Know How She Does It. “We don’t need a movie to tell us how we do it all,” said the column. “Just check out these quotes from real working moms.”

The quote that caught my eye went something like:

Some days you’re buying sandals from your desk at work, and other days your kid is eating Cap’n Crunch for dinner.

I can’t remember exactly what I read, but you get the gist. The column was meant to be inspiring, but for me, it had the opposite effect. (Warning, pessimistic attitude follows.)

This bares a striking resemblance to my day planner.

I thought of my pig-sty of a house and my day planner at work that looks like a scene right out of A Beautiful Mind, and shuddered at how these women’s experiences resonated with me. As a working mom, am I doomed to 18 years or more of treadmilling my way through competing desires and expectations? Will I really never have it together at work or at home?

At some point every week I get stuck in this "I can't do enough" place. Depending on the day, I’ll fantasize about staying home with Cameron or sending him to full-time daycare before I have to. I love my job, and I love mothering my son; I don’t feel like I do either to my full capability. And that’s a hard place to be for a former piano-playing perfectionist such as myself.

Lest I appear ungrateful for the freedoms I have as a woman living in the United States in the 21st century, I acknowledge my great fortune of even being able to struggle through career and parenting angst. But it’s a fact that women’s levels of happiness relative to men have been steadily declining since the 1970s. And I have to wonder, do we really want to do it all? How many of us feel like we’re just hobbling through it all? And why doesn't my husband feel the same way?

Surely the answer isn't to go backwards. So, is there a way forward to something less exhausting?

I'll Take Some Daycare Now, Thank You

2011-08-20T06:38:00.000-07:00

Yet again, it's been a long time since I last posted. As a full-time mom and a full-time worker, I have a difficult time finding spare time for blogging.

M and I are at the beach with baby boy for our first mini beach family vacation in Ocean City, Marlyand. Cameron is passed out between us on the bed, and I'm pondering how to navigate the next month of working and mothering.

I'm so thankful to be in a baby-friendly workplace. It allows me to continue a career that I enjoy without giving up those precious, fleeting baby days. But I'm rapidly approaching a crossroads. Cameron stays awake more and more each day, which means I have to spend more and more time on evenings and weekends keeping up with my workload. It's starting to take its toll.

My solution so far is to start baby boy in part-time day care. I'm set on this licensed in-home daycare in Northeast DC. The owner is a young mom who has four intelligent, well-mannered girls of her own. The house is gorgeous, well-organized, and a block from a park. The day I visited, the kids were all excited and slathering on sunscreen for a field trip to the Captiol. The owner and her daughters are bilingual, and babies who start in this daycare at Cameron's age end up speaking Spanish at daycare and English at home.

I find out if there's an opening for baby boy this Tuesday. And if there is space, he can't start until the week of September 15. I'm still not ready to take the plunge into full-time daycare, but this mama is ready for some part-time relief. Fingers crossed...

Why Breastfeeding is Still Stigmatized in the U.S.

2011-08-02T17:44:00.000-07:00

There are lots of groups to blame, but this month, U.S. hospitals are wearing the dunce cap. Check out these shocking facts highlighted in the August 2011 issue of CDC Vital Signs:

The American Academy of Pediatrics (APA) recommends babies be fed nothing but breast milk for about the first 6 months and continue breastfeeding for at least 1 year.

In the US, most babies start breastfeeding, but within the first week, half have already been given formula.

At 9 months old, only 31% of babies are breastfeeding at all.

Only 4% of US hospitals fully support breastfeeding.

Seriously?

Week in Review: Birth and Women's Health Style

2011-07-31T09:22:00.000-07:00

Most of you know that I'm the communications manager at the American College of Nurse-Midwives. One of the best things about my job is that birth and women's health news pops up in my email on a daily basis. So, I've decided it's about time that I share the wealth with my readers. Here are my favorite picks from the past week.

Ina May Gaskin interviewed on NPR's Diane Rehm Show
An entertaining and informative interview, this segment touches on home birth, midwifery education/training, and barriers that stand in the way of midwives being able to practice to the full extent of their qualifications. Did you know Ina was an English major? No wonder her books read so well.

Social Media Gives "Sexist" Dairy Campaign the Boot

The California Milk Processor Board and its longtime advertising agency launched a campaign around the premise that dairy helps ease PMS symptoms. The campaign featured what they thought were humorous ads of men holding milk and making apologies like "I’m sorry for the thing or things I did or didn’t do." However, a social media uprising has deemed the campaign sexist and offensive, and the California milk board has since pulled the campaign, replacing it with http://www.gotdiscussion.org/.

World Breastfeeding Week is August 1 - 7

As a breastfeeding mother, World Breastfeeding Week has a special place in my heart this year. If you'd like to get involved, check out www.worldbreastfeedingweek.org/ and The Big Latch On for events near you. And don't forget to download the theme song:

Stand Up Everybody!

listen up

imma rap about breasts

cuz ev'ry other song

has a line about her chest

and the world's OK with

the sex context

but feed the future and

the world's like

what the heck?
they call it a rack

turn a gift of god
into a sales contest
and treat ev'ry woman
like an item on the shelf

major corporations and
snakeoil quacks
claim to replace
what's nature's best

with powdered potions,
subliminal ads

enough of that
it's time to act
k and waba say
time to take your breast back

Cheese Pizza with Moose Tracks

2011-07-26T15:49:00.000-07:00

Oh. Em. Gee. Today, motherhood is exhausting. I've been pooped on, spit up on, and wrung out like a wet rag. It all started with a piece of pizza.

How could I have helped it? I was visiting relatives, and it was the only thing available for dinner. Four days later, I ran out of coconut milk creamer. I had to have my morning coffee, and you know this mama doesn't take it black. So I dribbled a bit of half and half into my grande iced coffee. I don't go grocery shopping on week nights, so I had a splash again the next day. By Friday night I was on a roll right into a bowl of lowfat moose tracks. I topped it off on Saturday with another couple slices of pizza, and the party came to a screeching hault with a screaming baby boy.

You see, about a month ago, I stopped eating dairy, and about the same time, Cameron stopped being fussy. The only way to be sure it wasn't coincidence was to try eating dairy again. Test completed. Dairy sensitivity confirmed.

Today is my third day back on a dairy free diet, and this evening I think we're finally on the upswing.

How We Solved Our Circumcision Stalemate

2011-07-26T05:03:00.000-07:00

Before baby boy was born, I wrote a couple posts about struggling with the decision of whether or not to have him circumcised. I was against it, M was for it, and we had no idea where to go from there. After baby boy was born, I wasn't sure if I was going to share the outcome on my blog or not. But in the interest of helping others who may be struggling with the same situation, here goes...

Baby boy escaped the knife and is intact. How did we arrive at that decision? I'm not quite sure.

In large part due to the numerous comments I received from readers, I knew what I wanted. But I wasn't willing to pull out the boxing gloves and live with resentment between M and me in order to get my way. So, my strategy was to do my best to present the facts and simply ask that M make an informed decision.

Two weekends before I was due, we went to visit a couple from our childbirth education class who had just had their baby boy. We took the opportunity to ask what they had decided, and found out that they chose against it. They weren't the first couple we had interviewed. Three other couples before them said that if they were to have a baby boy, they would probably have him circumcised.

That afternoon while M and I were driving to a bookstore or the gym or some such place we frequent on weekends, M turned to me and said, "Let's not do it."

"Really?" I said. "We don't have to have him circumcised?"

The minute he said it, a weight lifted off my shoulders and I had the sudden urge to text my moms to share the good news. But, so as not to upset my good fortune, I remained cool.

"Thanks honey," I calmly replied. "That makes me really happy."

This morning I asked M what made him yield at the last minute. He says the only reason he gave in is because I seemed so emotional about the whole thing. In fact, he's actually resentful of the outcome and prefers not to discuss it. It appears that despite my best efforts, I let emotion leak into the decision process and ended up with M feeling resentful.

I do feel lucky though. Circumcision isn't a point of ongoing contention in our marriage, and I'm thankful to have a husband who was willing to put aside his strong cultural bias in favor of logic and my wishes for our child.

To anyone else going through a stalemate about whether or not to circumcise, my advice is to present the facts, explain why it's so important to you, and ask your partner to share why it's so important to him or her.

One final piece of encouragement is to be patient. It took a good 20 weeks before M agreed to not have our son circumcised. And if you told me last fall that I'd be witing this post this summer, I wouldn't have believed you. If a circumcised macho male from the midwest can open his mind to another point of view, so can your partner.

More Things I Didn't Know about Breastfeeding

2011-07-11T05:21:00.000-07:00

It's been 6 weeks since I posted 10 Things I Didn't Know about Breastfeeding. Instead of hands-free nursing, I'm now pumping a reserve milk supply after Cameron's morning feeding while eating breakfast and finishing up this post before work. (Can anyone say super mom?!) Here are more things I've learned and didn't know about breastfeeding.

There are no clear, evidence-based guidelines for alcohol consumption for breastfeeding moms. I thought that alcohol was off limits to breastfeeding mothers, but when I began researching the topic, I found that the guidelines are vague. Kellymom.com does a good job of outlining the available evidence and guidelines. After thorough review, my verdict is there's no need to be a prude, always practice moderation, and use common sense. How does that translate into specific behavior? I'm back to having my usual 4 oz. of red wine with dinner most nights of the week. My baby and my supply are thriving.

Caffeine may or may not affect breastfeeding babies. Despite my Bradley instructor telling me that my 12 oz. half-caff coffee put my baby at risk for birth defects, I boldly continued to sip my morning coffee throughout pregnancy. Now that he's on the outside, I have a 6 to 12 oz. cup of regular coffee every morning with no ill effects on baby boy. I have friends that do notice increased fussiness in their babies after they drink coffee. Again, Kellymom.com does an excellent job at summarizing the available evidence and guidelines. My verdict on this one is to again practice moderation, and let your baby be your guide.

Babies sometimes go on nursing strikes. A couple Fridays ago, Cameron went on his first and hopefully last nursing strike. All day long he was fussy, acted like he wanted to nurse, and then refused to nurse for more than a minute at a time. The whole fiasco left us both miserable. When my boobs couldn't take anymore, I pumped a bottle for him, he took it with no problem, and we both fell asleep exhausted. I have a couple of theories as to what was behind this dreadful event.

Pumping can help you become familiar with your milk flow and supply. I've been pumping about once per day to build up a just-in-case frozen milk supply, and I have to admit, I kind of enjoy it. Thanks to a tip from The Breastfeeding Center for Greater Washington, I experimented with manual hand pumping at the same time as electric pumping. It's amazing how much more milk comes out and how quickly it flows with that strategy. The day after Cameron went on his nursing strike, I tried compressing my breast while he drank. He liked it, so I think he may have been frustrated with slow milk flow the day before. Since then, I upped my food and fluid intake, and started on Fenugreek. You should see my output now. I pumped 7 whole ounces this morning after Cameron's morning feeding.

My baby is sensitive to dairy. Because of the food restrictions I already have due to my own allergies and sensitivities, I was pretty closed-minded when it came to observing the effects of my diet on Cameron's mood. Then I got desperate. At 8 weeks, I finally realized I was spending more time cleaning up spitup, using a nasal aspirator, and bouncing a fussy baby than tackling my mounting pile of work. About that same time, the nursing strike happened. Something had to give. I already have a soy-free, gluten-free diet. So, on the recommendation of several other moms, I tried going dairy free. Three days later, Cameron was a different baby. It was that dramatic. He still spits up, but he's sleeping 8 to 9 hours every night and has settled into a manageable sleep, nurse, play, sleep again routine during the day.

Breastfeeding is enjoyable. Now that the quirks have been worked out of Cameron and I's breastfeeding relationship, we're both discovering how enjoyable it can be. I have never seen a baby bottle feed the way my son nurses. When milk intoxication sets in, he closes his eyes, lets his arms fall over his head, and lets out contented sighs. When he's full, he makes silly expressions and ponders my face between popping on and off the nipple. This is what everybody was talking about when they said breastfeeding is so wonderful.

Information about traveling apart from a breastfeeding baby is hard to find. M and I are considering leaving Cameron with my moms while we go on a 5-day cruise in August. It would be good for M and I and fun for my moms, but who knows what a 4-month-old Cameron would think about the arrangement? He takes pumped bottles every now and then, but would he go through boob withdrawal? Would my copious supply dwindle being separated from Cameron for 5 days? I have enough milk to last him, and I have a pump to last me. No question, it would be hard for me to leave him, but I'd be okay if I knew he was okay.

Does anyone have experience or information that would help me make an informed decision?

What Maternity Leave was Really Like

2011-07-09T05:24:00.000-07:00

As you may have noticed, I didn't blog much during my 8 weeks of maternity leave. You tried to tell me, but I wouldn't listen. "Taking care of a newborn is hard," you said. "How dare you tell me my experience will be anything other than blissful," I thought. And I continued in my ignorant bliss right up to the time my moms jumped in the car to go home on postpartum day 4.

For the next week, I cried every day. It wasn't that I was depressed. I was rediculously happy, paranoid of something happening to my baby, overwhelmed with responsibility, and downright exhausted. My major accomplishment each day was taking a shower.

So, for all the new and about-to-be mommies (especially this one), here are my tips on how to keep your sanity most days of the week during maternity leave.

Get help.
Invite family who will actually do chores, piece together neighbors and friends, or if you can afford it, hire someone, for example, a postpartum doula. My postpartum plan didn't work out exactly as expected, but if it was just M and me when we came home from the birth center, I don't know how we would have managed. I needed near constant assistance between caring for my lady parts and keeping up with my fluid needs. Caring for Cameron wasn't hard but definitely constant. Time for preparing meals and keeping things in order around the house was nonexistent. M couldn't have cared for us on his own. He was so sleep deprived from the birth that he needed tender loving care, too.
Cry.
For the first two weeks or so your hormones are a mess. So, make the best of it and cry for joy, cry about being terrified of how you'll cope after everyone goes home, and cry while staring at your beautiful baby without even trying to dissect all those emotions. It feels good, and eventually, the tears do stop.
Make your partner pull his/her weight.
When everybody goes home, it's time for your spouse to step up. The high of the birth will have probably worn off and sleep deprivation will have a firm hold on your home. Your partner may even be back at work while you're left to brave the newborn days on your own. But you shouldn't have to do it all. When M went back to work, he returned to his routine of long days and evening workouts. His boss even sent him on a business trip to Vegas when Cameron was just one week old. Then one Friday evening, M strolled in at 9pm after a good long workout, and I knew it was not a sustainable situation. I cried, told him I needed him to help me more, and walked upstairs to bed. The next morning things were different. By the end of the weekend he washed the dishes, vacuumed, mowed the front and back lawn, and watched Cameron while I slept.
Get out.
For the first 2 weeks after Cameron was born, I hung out in my bedroom like it was a cave. It just seemed easiest to have all my supplies in one place and camp out with the baby. A series of events forced me into the world during week 3 (I went with M on a business trip to Kansas City where the in-laws live), and to my surprise, I loved it. I didn't venture too far on my own too quickly, but the more I did, the more confident I became. By week 4 I was riding the metro downtown to a new moms group, which ended up being one of my best sanity savers.
Meet other moms.
This is a must. Hanging out with other new moms made me feel normal. I chose a free group at The Breastfeeding Center for Greater Washington. That was fabulous because we all had something in common in addition to being new moms.

Whew! That only took me 4 weekends to write between nursing sessions and diaper changes. So tell me, what helped you keep your sanity during maternity leave?

Sleep-deprived Mama Goes Back to Work

2011-06-12T12:50:00.000-07:00

Well, friends, this mama goes back to work tomorrow. I'm looking forward to having more adult interaction during the day, and to sweeten the pot, I get to bring Cameron with me until he's 6 months old. But god help me come 9am tomorrow morning because Cameron is still only sleeping one 3 hour stretch at night and then wakes up about every hour after that.

From his very first night at home, Cameron has been sleeping in bed with M and me. This past week I did some research and shook up our routine in hopes of lengthening that chunk of sleep before I head back to work. First I tried swaddling him in his Amby Hammock. That bought me the same old 3 hours. Then I tried putting him in his crib. That arrangement was a miserable failure and actually decreased the sleep chunk to 2 hours 2 nights in a row.

Now that my first day back to work is staring me in the face, I think I have to accept another reality--6 week old babies don't sleep through the night. You can set the temperature just right, have the perfect daytime schedule, and go through an ideal bedtime routine, and chances are it won't make a bit of difference. I wasted a lot of time this past week spinning my wheels. And, honestly, I went through Cameron withdrawal.

Tonight we're going back to our usual routine. Instead of nursing and rocking in an upright position for an hour or more while Cameron drifts to sleep, we'll lay down together while Cameron nurses and I get a head start on our precious chunk of sleep. When he wakes up, I'll look at the clock just for kicks and then flip sides and let him nurse back to sleep again. He'll probably wake up every hour after that. Sometimes he'll nurse again and other times I'll put my arm around him while he sucks my thumb instead.

That's what works for us right now.

Baby Stuff I Love for My Newborn and Me

2011-05-31T05:40:00.000-07:00

Before I had Cameron, I had no idea what I really needed. I read books and checklists and searched blogs for tips from other moms, but 5 weeks into my baby venture, I'm just now realizing what I can't live without. Here are a few of my favorite things for my baby and my lifestyle.

Exercising with the Moby Wrap

Moby Wrap: This carrier is by far my top piece of baby equipment I can't live without. Cameron likes to be held for the majority of the day. The Moby Wrap fulfills his cuddle cravings and my need to go about some semblance of a daily routine. Cameron naps, nurses, and watches the world go by in the Moby. I cook, clean, travel, blog, and even exercise while wearing it. The Moby looks intimidating, but once you get the hang of it, your life will never be the same. Cameron and I started with the newborn hug and hold and graduated to the basic hold this week. We've also discovered the cradle hold for hands-free nursing.

A Miracle Blanket that lives up to its name

Miracle Blanket: I pulled off a kick-butt swaddle with a plain old blanket the day Cameron was born. Then he woke up. When he's upset and needs to be swaddled, there's no wrestling him into a normal blanket. We tried the Summer Infant swaddler with velcro, but he inevitably uses his brute-like newborn strength to wiggle his way out of that one. Last week I picked up the Miracle Blanket on another mom's recommendation. The miracle lies in the separate flaps that hold the arms down inside the blanket. Swaddling Cameron in the Miracle Blanket turns him into an instant hypnotized zombie.

The wet bag that I love

Wet bag: My little wet bag wins out over the cumbersome wad of plastic bags I bought for throwing away disposable diapers or storing soiled cloth diapers and clothes while we're out. It fits nicely in the diaper bag, and all the dirty stuff is in one place when I get home.

A kimono-style onesie

Kimono onesies: Onesies are the bomb for quick diaper changes and whipping off those clothes at pediatrician appointments. I love kimono onesies even more because I don't have to slip them over Cameron's head, plus they're super cute.

Aden + Anais blankes are perfect for spring/summer

Aden + Anais Blankets I registered for these blankets on the advice of another mom blogger. (Sorry, bloggity mommy, I don't remember where I found the advice or I would link to you.) They're ultra thin and soft—perfect for a spring/summer baby. I use Aden + Anais blankets as sun covers over the stroller, burp cloths for those extra spit-upy days, and a thin wrap in airconditioning.

Cameron chilling in his Boppy

Boppy: I thought the My Brest Friend was where it's at for a breastfeeding pillow. But my stepmom ignored what I registered for and bought me a Boppy instead. Someone else gave me a free My Brest Friend, and it's sitting unused upstairs in the nursery. There's no telling where the Boppy is on any given day because I use it at all hours on all levels of the house. The main reason I love it is because there's no back strap to mess with. Just plop it on your lap and you're ready to go.

I'm open for recommendations to add to my list of favorite things. What baby stuff do you love and for what age infant?