The Princess and The Pump: A Type 1 Diabetes Blog

Whirlwind

noreply@blogger.com (Hallie Addington) — Wed, 19 Jun 2013 12:00:00 +0000

So what happened to May? And June?

Life has been running along at warp speed here for the past month or so.

Since I've been MIA... here's what we've been up to!

Sweets had field day towards the end of May. Most people hear "field day" and they think, "Oh wow! Fun!" I hear "field day" and I think, "Oh wow! Fun! Oh wow! I wonder how her blood sugar is going to react to THAT!?!"

I went along with her class because they were walking to the high school football field and their nurse was staying at the school. I had no idea what Field Day would be like - so I really couldn't put a plan in place. I decided it was best just to go help - and Sweets wanted me there anyway!

It was a BLAST! They had so much fun! It was super hot that day and they were SOAKED by the time it was over (a lot of that was because they were dumping water on their heads!). They did soccer, relay races, egg races, hurdles, a fast dash run, sack races, limbo, scooters, corn hole, and more! Sweets was super thrilled to come in second in the Limbo and second in the fast dash run! She was even more happy to have run faster than the boys in her class! That's my girl!

Blood sugar wasn't too bad. She was really high at first due to the excitement so I corrected and then, of course, she crashed with the activity. Luckily, I was there to catch it before she went low and stop that drop in it's tracks with a juice! They got Popsicles for the walk back and that was just perfect to keep her in range. A success for sure!

Sweets had her art and music show in May. She was so excited to show us her artistic creations on display. And she was a super cute singer! She takes it very seriously! Of course, right before I was to leave her with her teacher before the performance, she beeped low. I was only in the 70's so I gave her two packs of Smarties (which should have been more than enough) and left her with instructions to tell her teacher if she felt low or off or beeped. I also told her awesome teacher and she said she would flag me if needed. All went swimmingly until the very end when she beeped low again! She was fine - and it was pretty cute to see the look on her face! She knew where we were sitting and so she looks at us and mouths, "I'M BEEPING!"

Also in May, my dad got a brand new hip! We spent some time helping out, bringing food, and "taking care of Gaga". We went to visit him in the hospital. Sweets always likes when its someone ELSE in the hospital. When he had heart surgery and Jason had his heart attack she was not at all afraid because she's been there and knows what everything is. In fact, she was talking about the hospital and said, "Oh yeah. We are at the hospital all the time. You know, for diabetes and heart attacks and stuff." Nice. Gotta love her tough spirit!

Sweets is going to be cheering for Pee Wee Football in the Fall. I have also agreed to be an ASSISTANT coach. Oh boy! We have already been getting ready with two different nights of fittings for uniforms and meetings and prepping for "camp" and more. This is going to be an adventure! She is SO excited about it! And she looks so darling in her "big girl" cheer uniform!

We started off June with a Dance Recital! I'm not sure I have EVER seen Sweets as excited as she was to perform on the stage! They were SO CUTE and did such a great job! Of course, this was a new and tricky thing to manage when you add D into the mix. The night of the show, she wanted to go back stage and be with her friends. I needed to stay in the audience and save seats. My girl is getting older... so I just told her to put Dex in her pocket and come find me if she beeped. This was a big step for us. Again, she was running high due to her MASSIVE level of excitement. I didn't want to fully correct until she was done because I knew she would be out of my care - with no one who knew anything about D - for a period of time during the show. She couldn't wear her cgm with her costume. And it didn't reach from backstage to the audience. So - we made it work. She did her thing. Diabetes wasn't really even in the picture that night. At least not to her or anyone else. I kept an eye on things and corrected when she was done. Also worth noting, I love her dance studio because for her class - they are so laid back! No one cared that you could see her cgm on her arm. No one cared that she was wearing her alert bracelet. And no one cared that she REFUSED to wear makeup! The best I could do was a little blush and tinted lip gloss!

Due to my babysitters being unable to chase after a very active 7 year old, Sweets had to go to school with me after her school was out for the summer and I still had a week left. She was a trooper, though, and enjoyed reading to my class! She has really inspired them to want to read "chapter books"! I can't believe she's going to be in SECOND GRADE! Holy cow.

We've also been busy with JDRF getting ready for our Gala. A bunch of the Youth Ambassadors did a photo shoot. If you live in my neck of the woods, check out Pictures by Tracy! She did an incredible job working with our kiddos.

We also had the kids make special canvas prints that we are going to auction off! How cute are they!?! I SO want to buy that! Or maybe make one of my own...

We have also been busy prepping for JDRF's Children's Congress - which is in less than a month! More on that later! We have a news interview this week and are excited to be able to spread awareness about T1D!

We have a bunch of other stuff going on, too! I'm excited to tell you about it over the next few days/weeks! We have been a very busy family lately! Good thing we like it that way! So stay tuned for some super cool stuff, announcements, and giveaways coming up this summer!

More Than a D Mom: Happy Mother's Day!

noreply@blogger.com (Hallie Addington) — Mon, 13 May 2013 02:36:00 +0000

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!!!

To all the D Mamas out there....

I wish you a wonderful Mother's Day! I hope your day was filled with all you love most in the world!
(Mine was!)

For all you do for your child or children...

For all the carb counting, basal testing, blood sugar checking, supply ordering, insurance fighting...

For all the doctor appointments, hospital visits, school meetings...

For all the ways you work behind the scenes to make sure your child(ren) are healthy both mentally and physically...

For all the fights you fight so your child can have the same opportunities as anyone else...

For everything you do to give your child(ren) the most normal life possible...

For all the ways you love your child(ren)...

This is for you!

You are incredible. You are strong. You are fierce. You are kind. You are loving. You are gentle. You are tough. You are amazing and wonderful. You are appreciated.

Never forget it!

The "More Than a D Mom" series comes to an end today. Today I'm linking to a BUNCH of incredible posts (I missed a few days... sorry! Life... you know?). Enjoy!

Tracy from My Life with The Superhero and The Princess shares her take on being more than a D Mom. I have had the pleasure of meeting Tracy IRL... and she is every bit at sweet and nice as you would imagine! She shares with you a special thing that she is doing for herself... and I can tell you that is is AMAZING at it! Tracy made aprons for Sweetpea's birthday party and they were so incredibly cute! You have got to go read her post and see what she is all about!

Donna from Donna the Domestic Diva tells you about her life before and after diabetes. (after? during?) Donna is super brave and shares her incredible story with us. I am so proud of her. She is one of the most supportive and loving people I know! And I can relate with how she coped with all the emotions that diabetes brings because I have done the exact same thing. My guess is that you will relate too! Go see Donna now! Bonus.... you will also find some great recipes!

Nicole from The We CARA lot Blog shares her thoughts of being more than a D Mom! Nicole is a CRAZY D Mama who lives in Canada with her hubby and her SIX KIDS! Nic can always make me laugh! We "met" shortly after sweet Cara's dx... which was at the same time as Sweetpea's. It was nice to find the Mom of another newly 3 year old girl. Go check her out!

Misty from Life is Like a Box of Chocolates gives her take on life as a D Mom.... and she shares some pretty awesome pics! I love her take on being "More Than a D Mom"! I think the quote she shares is spot on! I have the awesome pleasure of knowing Misty IRL... and living right down the street (sorta - like 5 minutes). She is awesome, fun, sweet, and thoughtful! She is one of the first moms I met after Sweets was dx'd. My neighbor knew her... and knew her daughter had been dx'd about a month earlier. Our girls go to the same school and we get to hang out and even go on little road trips! She's paved the way for me at school and I so, so, so appreciate all the hard work and planning she has put into it! (Seriously - check out her 504 plan!) She was the one I called in tears the night Jason had a heart attack and she came over in the middle of the night to stay with Sweets. Her girls are every bit as awesome as she is.... and I love the relationship Ally and Sweets have. It is precious. So go on... go read Misty's post and get to know her! You'll love her as much as I do!

Marjorie of Labrador Sweet shared her take about why SHE is more than a D Mom! Marjorie is another Canadian D Mama whose eldest daughter was dx'd in February 2012. Marjorie is newish to the blogging world so you've gotta head over to her blog and say HI!

And don't forget those who posted earlier in the week...
Lora of My Diabetic Child
Wendy of Candy Hearts
Meri of Our Diabetic Life
and ME

Thanks to everyone who participated! I love you and know that we are so much more diabetes... just like our kids! If you wrote your own "More Than a D Mom" post... Or you would LIKE to... GO FOR IT! Put your link in the comments!

I hope you've all had a wonderful Mother's Day! Get ready for D Blog week which starts tomorrow! I'm gonna TRY......!

More Than a D Mom - Wendy Style

noreply@blogger.com (Hallie Addington) — Fri, 10 May 2013 02:47:00 +0000

Today's take on "More Than a D Mom" comes from Wendy of Candy Hearts! Wendy is not only a mother of three - she's also an RN! She's one of the first Mama's I found on this journey and I'm so glad to count her as a friend. I'm even MORE glad that I'll be meeting her IN PERSON (FINALLY) this summer! Wendy really puts herself out there in this post so you've got to go check it out!

And don't forget to read these posts by some other awesome Mamas...
Lora of My Diabetic Child
Meri of Our Diabetic Life
Hallie (ME) of The Princess and The Pump

More than a D Mom... Lora Style

noreply@blogger.com (Hallie Addington) — Wed, 08 May 2013 17:19:00 +0000

For today's installment in the "More than a D Mom" series, we get to visit with Lora of My Diabetic Child! Lora is a dear friend that I actually get to see IN PERSON on a some what regular basis. She is hilarious and crafty and fun to be around! She's also a great Mom and a Kick Ass Pancreas!! You really should get to know her... Because if I didn't have her on speed dial, there are days I might seriously lose it!

Don't forget to check out Meri's take....

And mine....!

More Than a D Mom: Meri Style

noreply@blogger.com (Hallie Addington) — Tue, 07 May 2013 21:06:00 +0000

In yesterday's post, I talked about how sometimes I wonder if I am more than just a D Mom.

As I was thinking about statement, I knew I had to ask some other D Mamas (and great friends) what THEY thought about the whole issue. Am I the only one who feels, at times, that diabetes has taken over my life?

So for the next week or so, I'll be featuring some incredible D Mama bloggers and their thoughts about being "More Than a D Mom".

Up today is Meri. Meri is a great friend who I am honored to have gotten to know over the past four years. She always makes me smile! Meri has four boys - three who have type 1 diabetes! So her take on this really intrigues me!

So head on over to Meri's blog, Our Diabetic Life, and see what she has to say!

More Than a D Mom

noreply@blogger.com (Hallie Addington) — Mon, 06 May 2013 12:00:00 +0000

I had this idea... this thought... the other day.

I don't remember what exactly we were doing. But it something diabetes related.

And I wondered... Am I just a pancreas? Am I just a carb counter, insulin deliverer, blood sugar tester? Am I just the Mom... the food maker, the chauffeur, the homework helper, the hair brusher, the boo boo kisser? Is there more to me than this?

There used to be more to me than this.

I think.

Not that THIS isn't wonderful.

It is. And I'm grateful to have this role. I love my daughter more than life itself. I'm proud to her Mom. I am eternally thankful that she is healthy and alive and I have the opportunity and supplies to keep her that way!

I think all parents of children living with diabetes are very aware of how lucky we are. We do not take our children or our children's health for granted.

However, we know how much it takes. And how all consuming it can become.

And there are times when we wonder... Who am I? Who is this person looking back at me from the mirror?

In my last post, I talked about the Taylor Swift song "All Too Well" and the lyrics...
"Time won't fly. It's like I'm paralyzed by it. I'd like to be my old self again but I'm still trying to find it."

And I can't help but think about how much that relates to life with diabetes.

My old self....

Who???

I can hardly remember.

I used to exercise every day. I was really fit and I really liked it. I used to hang out with friends from work. I'd go to Happy Hour and eat lunch in the lunch room and be social. I used to go to dinner with friends. I used to read a lot. I used to do my hair. And wear lipstick. Like every day. I used to eat healthy meals and take care of myself. I used to sleep at night.

Now?

Not so much.

I haven't exercised in an embarrassing long time. I can't remember the last time I went to dinner with friends. I never go out after work. I eat in my room, alone - by choice because it's the only time I have a few minutes to myself. Now I read about diabetes and insulin and pumps and cgms. I COMB my hair every day. And I might be able to find a lipstick in my purse.... but wear it? It might be too old. Does lipstick go bad? The drive thru lady at McDonald's knows me by name. And what's this sleep you speak of?

What happened to me?

Diabetes happened to me.

Now I spend so much time and thought and energy on carbs and ratios and basal rates and activity and 504 plans and supplies and targets and A1c and site changes and on and on and on.... Not to mention the emotional aspect of raising a child with a chronic disease.

The rest of that stuff just becomes invisible. I simply do not have time for anything other than diabetes. My brain is full.

And that's how it's been... for a long, long time.

But now, after four years, I'm starting to see glimpses of what life used to be. And how... just maybe... it could be again.

I don't know where to even start.

I am at least to a place where I can realize that pushing my own needs and my own health to the back is not healthy for anyone. I can see that my daughter deserves a Mom who is not stressed out and exhausted all the time.

But getting there....

It's just not easy.

Because who I WAS.... I'm not sure she exists anymore. Sometimes I think that if I don't at least TRY to find her now she is going to slip away and no one will even notice.

Don't get me wrong... It's not that being a D Mom is such an awful thing. It's just that can't be the ONLY thing.

And so the challenge is finding some balance between who I WAS and who I am NOW.

I won't ever be the same person I was before. And the truth is, I don't want to be.

I'm stronger now. I'm able to see and enjoy the small things in a way I was never able to do before. I have a new respect for life and health. I know I won't fall apart when times get tough. I don't get caught up in the petty drama that often comes with life. And I have some amazing friends I've made on this journey that make it so sweet. I don't want to give that up.

I just also need to be a Mom who takes care of her health. A Mom who does her hair and wears lipstick on occasion and enjoys exercise and friends and books!

It doesn't sound like it should be as hard as it is. Right?

So why does it feel like the impossible task?

I think because there are days (and nights) where diabetes IS the only thing. There are times when it HAS to be the only thing. Our kids are sick. Their numbers are out of whack. They are low. Or high. They need a site change. Carbs have to be counted. Exercise and hormones and growth and excitement are messing things up. They have ketones. They need us. And we are there.

We wouldn't have it any other way.

But those days and nights just bleed into one another until there is no beginning and no end and we are so exhausted both mentally and physically that there is nothing else. There is nothing left.

You can't escape those days. And when you're in the middle of it, it feels like there will never be an escape. So why bother?

I don't have an easy answer.

I just know it's time to try.

The longer we live this life, the more I'm able to see that those days WILL end. There WILL be times when our lives revolve around diabetes. But there will also be times it won't.

And I can't let those days pass me by. I've got to use those days for all they are worth and pray that it somehow balances out.

Today we worked on writing letters for Sweets to send to our Senators and Representatives asking them to meet with her when we are in Washington for Children's Congress. Then we went to a photo shoot for our JDRF Gala. Then we came home and it was time for bed but we had to do a pod change first.

Today was a diabetes day.

Today I was a D Mom.

And that's ok. Being a D Mom is a gift, in it's own way.

And there's always tomorrow to add a little of the "old me" in to the mix.

** Today was the start of more than a week long series of posts called "More than a D Mom". When I had this idea, I knew my other Mama's felt the same way. I wanted to hear what they had to say... and I'm sure you do, too! So be sure to check out Meri's blog tomorrow for her take! **

All Too Well

noreply@blogger.com (Hallie Addington) — Tue, 30 Apr 2013 12:00:00 +0000

April 27, 2013

Saturday

Four years

Four years of living with diabetes.

The first anniversary felt like we were reaching a milestone. The second we spent inpatient after a low blood sugar induced seizure the night before. The third anniversary found me feeling strong.

The fourth?

I wasn't really able to fully answer that until today. This year I feel like I just know this disease all too well.

Not that I UNDERSTAND this disease. Just that I know the games it plays all too well.

Our "diaversary" tradition is to do something fun for Sweets to celebrate the day. Different people have different feelings about acknowledging the day. For us, it's a reason to celebrate! It's a day where we can honor the Sweets for her bravery and courage. It's a day where we can do something fun to acknowledge all the "un fun" things that diabetes brings into our lives.

This year we did it up BIG!

She wanted to make cookies to take to school to share with her class. We didn't do that last year but she really wanted to so something special this year. Who am I to say no to that?!?

But that wasn't the best part...

Sweets and I went Lexington with Misty from Life is Like a Box of Chocolates and her girls to see Taylor Swift LIVE IN CONCERT! We spend the night and made it a fun little road trip!

It was awesome! The concert itself was amazing but the excitement and joy on the girls faces was priceless! They were beyond excited! They would just hug each other and scream out of the blue! SO CUTE!

It was a wonderful memory spent with wonderful friends!

That night at the concert, singing along to the songs (because the truth is, I love Taylor every bit as much if not more than Sweets!), I couldn't help but think of where we were 4 years before.

Children's Hospital. DKA. Scared. Numb. Overwhelmed.

And the contrast to the healthy little girls singing at the top of their lungs.

I am so grateful.

One of the songs from her new album is called "All Too Well". As she sang the song on Saturday night, it struck me in a new way.

I can picture it after all these days.

And I know it's long gone,And there was nothing else I could do

And I might be okay,
But I'm not fine at all.

I was there, I remember it all too well

Time won't fly, it's like I'm paralyzed by it
I'd like to be my old self again, but I'm still trying to find it

Diagnosis.

I think we can ALL still picture it all too well. No matter how long it's been we can't forget that day.

And we may be ok. But we're not really fine at all.

Because we know the disease all too well.

That was made clear to me tonight. J texted me after school. He picks her up from school. She had a music show tonight and it was also pod change night. We knew we needed to change the pod BEFORE the show.

When J told her of this, she had a complete meltdown.

She said, " They are never going to find a cure. I'm going to have it forever. I hate pod changes. I hate anything to do with diabetes. It messes everything up."

Knife to the heart.

What do you say to that? Although we have NEVER said those things to her, we have thought them ourselves. She has every right to feel that way.

She knows this disease all too well, too.

And after four years, that's how it is with diabetes.

Some days we've got it. We are doing well. We are ok with it. It's in the background. It's no big deal.

And some days...
Some days it messes everything up.
Some days it steals our hope.
Some days it steals our joy.
Some days it gets us down.
Some days it hurts.
Some days it's really hard.

After four years, I know this disease.

I know the games it plays.

I know that there are days when you want to scream and throw things and sit on the couch and sob.

There are days like today when you want so badly to take this from your child. When you hurt so much that your seven year old even has to worry about a disease that she may have for the rest of her life. When your heart aches that she can't just focus on her big music show and being a kid.

And there are days like Saturday when you see her sing with her friends at the top of her lungs. When you can't tell that she has diabetes (except for that blood test after a low alert from Dex in the middle of the show). When she ISN'T thinking about diabetes. When she gets to be like everyone else. When the joy on her face make her eyes sparkle.

It's the ying and the yang. The good with the bad. The light with the darkness.

I know all too well that the bad days will come. But I also know that the good days will too.

And so tonight, I cry. Tomorrow I will laugh. And always I will remain thankful for my incredible, brave, courageous, strong, sweet, loving child and for the technology that keeps her healthy and alive.

A Spoonful of Sugar: An Interview with a T1 Mary Poppins

noreply@blogger.com (Hallie Addington) — Wed, 17 Apr 2013 12:00:00 +0000

A spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down....

Well, unless the medicine is insulin and then you will need to bolus for it!

Mary Poppins is a musical that I loved as a child and still love to this day. I first saw the show as young child. It happened to be just at the time that my aunt and babysitter would be leaving and I would be starting school. I sobbed and sobbed thinking she would go off into the sky with her umbrella!

This show has always been a favorite of mine so I was thrilled to hear that Mary Poppins would be coming to our own local theatre!

But wait... It gets better!

Mary Poppins herself has Type 1 Diabetes!

Ok, so maybe not Mary Poppins but the extraordinarily talented actress, Madeline Trumble, who plays Mary Poppins does.

She was kind enough to be interviewed by my own little Type 1 Reporter who loves musicals and thought that a actress with diabetes... JUST LIKE HER... was about the coolest thing EVER.

Sweets came up these questions all on her own. And Madeline was so sweet to answer!

Sweets: How old were you when you got diabetes? Were you in the hospital? Was it scary?

Madeline Trumble: I found out I had diabetes on the first day of Kindergarten. I was a month away from being five. I didn't need to be hospitalized when I was diagnosed. I got really lucky!

Sweets: Do you have a pump or a cgm? What kind? I have an Omnipod and a Dexcom I call Dexie.

MT: I have a medtronic pump. I had the same pump for years and years and then last year, I got a new one! I went from blue to purple! It was a big change for me.

Sweets: Do you have any friends with type 1? Are you the only one in your family with type 1?

MT: I'm the only person in my family with Type 1. And I don't have any friends with Type 1. I kind of am on my own figuring it out...

(When I read this to Sweets her immediate response was "Well... she does now!")

Sweets: What happens if you are low on stage? Do you keep a meter and juice close by?

MT: I've gotten pretty lucky and have never been too low on stage. But I also don't have a lot of time to test my blood sugar or drink juice, so I have to be really careful in the moments I do have. I have to eat good carbs before the show and at intermission. There are juice boxes on either side of the stage, and the whole cast and crew know I have diabetes, so there's always someone to help hand me a juice box if I need it.

Sweets: Do you test your blood sugar a lot?

MT: I've been testing a lot more since I've started the show. I have to be really careful, because the show is too hard on my body even when I have good blood sugar.

Sweets: What happens if you get sick (she means diabetes sick - not "real people" sick) when you are traveling? Do you have a special doctor you go to?

MT: I don't have a doctor on the road. I have a doctor at home that I correspond with. But I've had diabetes for almost 20 years, so I know all the inns and outs and am pretty good at monitoring by myself.

Sweets: Was it hard to become a singer and actor with diabetes?

MT: No! I've had diabetes for so long, I don't remember life without it. Diabetes has always been a part of me and just something different about me. It can definitely be hard at times and make me sad that I have to deal with something no one else in my life has to deal with. But it's never gotten in the way of anything I've wanted to do. Diabetes makes us more special- because it makes us work harder. It has never held me back and I'm really proud to say that.

A big THANK YOU to Madeline for answering all of Sweetpea's questions and for being such a wonderful role model!

If you would like information on the show and to see if it's coming to your area, click HERE.

If you live in the Dayton/Cincinnati Ohio area and would like information on the show and getting tickets, click HERE.

And stay tuned... Sweets gets to meet Madeline IN PERSON on Thursday and we are seeing the show Friday night. I'm sure we will have lots to share!

At Least It's Not...

noreply@blogger.com (Hallie Addington) — Mon, 15 Apr 2013 12:00:00 +0000

A few weeks ago we took Sweets to the doctor to check in after her "episode" with the blood draw. We were concerned about her reaction and the fact that she displayed seizure-like actions. (You can read more about that here.)

We were sitting in the waiting room when a new mom came in with her baby and approached the check in window. This was obviously one of her first appointments. She stood at the check in window and talked to the receptionist. I couldn't help but overhear.

She was telling the receptionist about how tired she was and how glad she was that she had some reinforcements coming soon so she could get some rest. You could tell by the way she said it that she wasn't THAT upset. You know... it was kind of a right of passage thing. You could see and hear her excitement about having a new baby!

I remember that feeling. It made me laugh, though. Because I was thinking, "Lady.... You don't know tired!"

I posted that little thought on facebook later and it got quite a lot of comments from other D Mamas about the whole issue of sleep and lack thereof. But one of the comments was from a girl I went to high school with. She posted something to the effect that she can't imagine what it's like to raise a child with diabetes but that we should all be so glad that it's not something worse like cancer and that we should quit whining and be grateful because there are other mothers out there that could say the same about us.

I didn't respond at the time because, frankly, I was just too tired to get into it and I did not want to turn it into a debate. This girl does not know me now nor has she ever met Sweets. She just doesn't get it.

But... I'm responding now.

First of all, I wasn't being disrespectful to this new mom. Truly, I wasn't. You could tell she was excited to have a new baby and be part of that "club". My response to her was a lot like the way people who have already had children respond when you discuss your birth plan for your first child. Or when you, before kids, talk to an experienced Mom about how your kid will NEVER do/act/say something like THAT. It's that smile and nod while saying in your head, "HA! Just you wait....!"

Funny story on this... Sweets was really a great baby. In the hospital she slept A LOT. She never cried. The first night home, I was talking to a friend and when we hung up she said, "Good Luck. Call if you need me." I thought that was odd.... why would I need luck?!? Jason wanted to set the alarm so we wouldn't miss her feedings. See? You're laughing aren't you?!? We were so naive. She screamed all night long.

So - I've been there. I know what it's like to have a newborn and be up throughout the night doing feedings. I know what it's like to worry about SIDS and every other crazy thing new parents freak out about. And let me just say, it doesn't even compare to life with diabetes. The exhaustion and lack of sleep is so much worse. We are going on FOUR YEARS. And there is not really an end in sight. (Other than college?!?) And the fear of losing her in the middle of the night.... it's always there. It never ends either.

The other thing that really bugs me about statements like that is this...

I want to say...

Do you think that I do not give thanks every. single. day. that I have a healthy child? I know our children are not guaranteed good health. Don't think for a minute that I'm not grateful that I have a child that can run and play and laugh. A child who can read and go to school and make friends. A child who can hide her disease if she so chooses. Trust me. I don't take it for granted.

It makes me think of this quote...

Truth.

Just because someone has it worse does not mean we are not allowed to feel sad.

And there's a lot outsiders don't know about this disease.

Before you make a statement like that... Go spend a day in our shoes.

Count all the carbohydrates your child consumes in a day. Prick their fingers 10 or more times a day. Calculate how much insulin they need for food and don't forget to take into account the activity they will do later. Or have done before. Don't forget to mix their food between fat and protein and carbs. Just the right amount. But don't be surprised if today's reaction is totally different from yesterday. Go with your child on playdates. Know you can't leave them alone because they can't take 100% control of this disease and the other parent doesn't know what to do. Know the other people who know how to take care of your child... well, you could count them on less than one hand. Don't forget to review numbers to see if basal rates need changed. Are they growing? That could be messing things up. Or getting sick? Or nervous? Maybe it's hormones. Or if they are running low.... hope it's not the stomach flu. You know a simple illness or tummy bug can send you to the ER, right? Don't forget to order supplies. And fight with insurance to give you what you need. And find a place for it all - because you'll need a BIG space. Your little medicine cabinet isn't going to cut it. Hope you have good insurance. It's expensive. Make sure you keep up to date on the latest research and products. And don't forget your visit to the hospital every three months. And get the blood work done. And don't forget about the other diseases your child is more likely to develop. Make sure you comfort your child when he feels different from all his friends. Or when she's crying because someone made fun of her for her pump. Or when he's begging you not to give him a shot or change his site and pleading you to stop hurting him. Make sure you communicate with the school nurse. IF you have one. YOU may have to go to school every day to give insulin. And Lord help you with birthday treats. And parties. And sleepovers. And sports. You know it's more difficult, right? Make sure the kit is full and you always have juice on hand. Remember to bolus before they eat... but not too early. And then make sure they eat it all. Otherwise they will be low. Keep working to achieve a steady blood sugar. You don't want spikes. Or a too high number. Or too low. Make sure you have the glucagon and know how to use it. You don't want your child to have a seizure and you not be ready. And make sure she isn't too high for too long. You better check ketones. If she's in DKA you have to go to the ER. Push the fluid. Try not to worry about what blood sugar is doing to her body. Don't think about it destroying her blood vessels. Wreaking havoc on every single organ in her body. Try not to worry about it affecting the blood vessels in her eyes or that it could rob her of her vision. And don't forget to go to the eye doctor every year. Don't think about how it can cause never damage and end in amputations. Oh - and don't get upset when someone tells you that you shouldn't have fed your child so much sugar. Or that you can cure the disease with cinnamon. Or a special diet. Don't forget to set your alarm to check at night. I mean, if your child went low and died and you would never forgive yourself. It can happen. Try not to let that fear rule your life. Make sure you stay up if he's low to test again in 15 minutes. Make sure you wake up to retest if he's high and you give insulin. Oh - and make sure you can make decisions in the middle of the night. Try not to freak out if things aren't going as planned. And remember that YOU are the one responsible for informing her teacher of what she needs to know about diabetes. Make sure you have plans in place at school. You're gonna need to be in charge of that, too. Oh- and one more thing... don't forget to make sure your child feels as normal as possible.

They don't get it, do they?

They can't KNOW. Not unless they live it. And we'd never wish it on anyone.

Are we glad it's not cancer? Are we glad it's not "something worse"? Of course we are.

We stare death in the face every day. We know we are not promised another day. We don't ever take it for granted. We know better than most how lucky we are to have our children healthy and happy. It takes a lot of work to make sure that they ARE healthy and happy. Don't treat us like this disease is no big deal.

We have every right to feel sad. Or mad. Or overwhelmed. Or grief stricken. Or happy. Or TIRED!

We are allowed to feel however we feel.

And if we don't let ourselves FEEL... feel the bad with the good. The sad with the happy. The overwhelmed with grateful. The grief with the joy... The dark will overtake our light.

There's a saying that you can't know joy until you experience pain. You need both. Your joy is not as joyful if you've never experienced the sting of pain.

It's like that.

There's a lot of darkness in the disease.

I think we have to acknowledge that darkness in order to live in the light.

Acknowledging that darkness doesn't mean we think we have it so much worse than anyone else in the world.

Acknowledging that darkness makes us MORE grateful. More thankful. More happy. More joyful.
More able to focus on living in the Light. The Happy. The joy. The LOVE.

Because that's what it's all about.

Spring Cleaning

noreply@blogger.com (Hallie Addington) — Thu, 11 Apr 2013 12:00:00 +0000

I'm doing a little "Spring Cleaning" to the blog and wanted to take a minute to tell you about some new things....

Take a look up there at the pages (tabs).

You will see some new things!

I created tabs to tell you more about the Insulin Pump and CGM that we use. If you click on the Omnipod tab you will find information on the Omnipod insulin pump and posts I have written about it. The Dexcom tab will tell you about the Dexcom CGM and provide links to posts I have written about the Dexcom.

I also updated the tab called Our Favorite Things. If you click on it you will find links to products that we love!

And last but not least, I added more videos to our Channel D tab!

I hope to add additional informations as soon as possible!

Thanks for reading!

Stable is a Four Letter Word

noreply@blogger.com (Hallie Addington) — Mon, 25 Mar 2013 14:27:00 +0000

Last week was our version of Hell Week.

We went to the eye doctor on Monday, the Endocrinologist on Wednesday and the dentist on Saturday.

I'm not sure whose idea that was but it was a BAD one. Remind me never to schedule appointment like that again. By the time we walked out of the dentist on Saturday morning, my nerves were shot and I needed a drink!

It's recommended that people with diabetes visit the eye doctor yearly to make sure nothing is wonky with their vision (my very technical explanation). Sweets originally went to the eye doctor at 6 months old and saw a specialist. This is because Jason is the most near sighted person you will ever meet. (I'm not exaggerating here. We took her to his specialist to make sure that if she had some of the same problems that he has that we corrected it as early as possible.)

Jason has been visiting this office for years so it's kind of like Cheers when we walk in. Everyone knows him. And they have sort of known Sweets since she was born. So they love her. And it's pretty casual.

But I can't even count how many times someone asked me if her diabetes was "stable".

Ummm...... Yes? No? Maybe? Sometimes? When Venus is in retrograde and a zebra with pink stripes knocks on my front door?

How do I even start to answer that question?

Of course, it's not just doctors and nurses.

It's family and friends, too.

Sometimes it's the people closest to us who just don't get it. They are the ones asking if our kids are under control yet or if they are stable.

And THAT is most irritating. And disappointing.

That makes us feel the most alone. Because if those closest to us don't understand.... who will?

And maybe we're a little sensitive (or at least I am...). But it's that word "yet" that gets to me. Like our kids should be under some magical control where their blood sugars are always in range. You know... because that's possible.

It makes me want to stand on a table or something and scream "Don't you get it?!? There is no stable with diabetes! There is no control! Control is an illusion. It's a mirage. We MANAGE diabetes. There are still highs. There are still lows. No matter what we do. We will never be perfect. We can never replicate the pancreas to perfection. And that's just the way it is."

I really do try not to take it personally. If you don't live it there is just no way you can really understand what it's like. And I certainly had no idea before April 27, 2009.

Maybe that's why this life can feel so lonely and isolating. Because when you get down to the nitty gritty - very few people really understand.

However.... when we DO find someone who understands.... Priceless!

I would be LOST without the Diabetes community - both online and in real life.

And I am so grateful for the wonderful people we find that - while they don't really get it - they try.

At the dentist on Saturday morning, we had a little problem. The endocrinologist has drastically lowered Sweets I:C ratio for breakfast. That had worked fine at school. But this was the first weekend...

She was acting off. She was really nervous and emotional. She cried. I had to hold her hand during the x-rays. She had a total meltdown when the hygienist started brushing her teeth.

I should have known.

We were watching Dex and it was going down... so we tested. 49

No wonder.

So what does one do when low in the middle of a teeth cleaning? Eat Smarties!

Of course, I didn't have a juice in the bag. Or my purse.

But the dentist and the hygienist were beyond awesome. They were so kind. They didn't make us feel bad. They didn't act put out. They just rolled with it. And they were so very kind to Sweets. They saw her nerves and talked her through every step. And as soon as her blood sugar started coming up, she was fine and back to her normal self.

I am so grateful for them!

We all have times when we get so irritated by the ignorance - either willing or unwilling - of those around us. We all have been hurt and disappointed by people close to us who we think SHOULD understand. And yet... they choose not to be involved. Not to learn. Not to really understand.

There's nothing we can do about that.

And that is really hard to accept.

But it makes it so much sweeter when we find people who DO get it. People who want to learn. People who want to understand. People who are living the same life.

Today I'm going to give some of those people a big hug! And just forget the rest.

Because you can lead a horse to water. But you can't make it drink.

Freckles, Diabetes, and Heaven

noreply@blogger.com (Hallie Addington) — Tue, 19 Mar 2013 12:00:00 +0000

It started out innocent enough.

A simple conversation in the car.

Revolving around - what else? Her birthday.

Her birthday has the been the main focus of LIFE for awhile.

She said to me, "Mom, I wish my birthday was on Christmas and then EVERYONE would get presents!"

Then she asked, "Whose birthday is it at Christmas again?"

"You mean Jesus? Or someone else?" I answered.

"Oh yeah.... JESUS!" she replied. "Who else's birthday is it?"

"Well, my grandma's birthday was Christmas Eve. Gaga's Mommy." I said.

"WHAT?!?" she screamed. "We missed it! Why did we miss it? We were having Christmas Eve with Nanny and GDad!"

"Well, we didn't really miss it." I tried to explain. "We just didn't celebrate it."

"Why not?" she asked. Quickly followed by, "OHhhhhh yeah. She's dead. I forgot."

"Yes. Who knows? Maybe she celebrated in Heaven with Jesus." I said.

"What does Heaven look like?" she wondered.

"I don't know, Sweetie."

"Is it all fluff and clouds and stuff? Where is it? Is it up in the sky or what?"

"I don't know. I've never been there."

"Are people babies in Heaven? Is Heaven just full of babies?"

"No. We do know that. You don't turn back into a baby. We don't know exactly what you look like in Heaven but the Bible tells us that our bodies are made perfect."

"So I won't have freckles in Heaven?"

Giggling to myself... "Well, I don't know about that. But I do know that in Heaven you won't...."

She cuts me off.

"I won't have diabetes in Heaven."

"Nope. There is no diabetes in Heaven."

Silence for a few seconds....

"I want to go to Heaven. I want to go now. I hate diabetes sometimes. It hurts. I don't like. I just wish I could go to Heaven."

"I know, Sweetie. One day. One day you will. But let's just hope it's not too soon. Your Mama would miss you too much!"

And she was off. Hopping out of the car. Running into the house. On to the next thing.

But those conversations make my heart feel like it's in a vice.

Whose seven year old tells them that she wants to go to Heaven to be rid of disease and a life that is all she's known?

The thing is - I know that she does not understand. To her, Heaven is a place similar to Florida or Hawaii. It's someplace you go. Someplace physical. And although she knows you don't come back - she can't really process that. So I know that those words are the words of child. With childlike understanding.

But they still sting.

They are still hard.

I can't help but believe this is true.

It hurts me, as a Mama, to know that she's in pain and to not be able to make it better. To not be able to take it away. To know her life has been changed in a way that none of us can comprehend.

Even though we know it's not in their best interests to live a life filled only with the good, the easy, the beautiful, the perfect (because that's not REAL) - we, as parents, still wish we could make their lives easier.

But I believe that she IS being prepared for some kind of extraordinary destiny.

Because I see her toughness. Her fight. Her confidence. Her courage. Her belief that she can do anything. I see her spunky, independent streak.
I see her joy. I see her happy spirit and her sense of humor. I see her compassion.

And I know that diabetes is inexorably linked with her being.

I see her working through it all. All the normal seven year old questions.

It's just that she's got a little more to process.

And it's my job to help her through it - any way I can.

Because, just like EVERYONE with diabetes, she's pretty awesome. And she's got a pretty awesome future waiting for her.

Let's Make a Deal! Worry, Guilt, and A1c

noreply@blogger.com (Hallie Addington) — Thu, 14 Mar 2013 11:30:00 +0000

The guilt and worry of a D Mama knows no bounds.

It's like an ocean. Every changing. Going in and out. At times it's depths are clear and close. At times no end can be seen.

Maybe it's just because we are mothers.

But it's more than that. Our worries and our guilt run deeper than average.

We have seen pain that we can't make better. We have dried tears shed due a disease that just can't be adequately explained to a child. We have sat in hospital rooms. We have waited for test results. We continually make life and death decisions that affect not us... but our children. The ones we want nothing more than to protect.

We know we did nothing to cause this disease. We know there was nothing we could have done to prevent it.

And still....

It lurks.

The worry is there. Hiding around dark corners and under the beds of our sleeping sweet ones.

The guilt is there too. Sometimes it stares back at us from the meter. Sometimes we find it when all we want to do is make it better and we are left with an empty bag of tricks.

This is doctor week. Monday we went to the eye doctor. Today we went to the endocrinologist. Saturday we go to the dentist.

Remember - envy is a sin! Don't be too jealous!

The report from the eye doctor was that everything looked good. She may need glasses in a few years but that has nothing to do with diabetes. Both Jason and I had glasses before we were her age.

I am not looking forward to the dentist. Many nights of juice do damage to little teeth. And then there's brushing. Stick needles into her body and she doesn't even flinch. Try to brush her teeth and you'd think we were beating her. Go figure.

Today at the Endo we got not only her A1c number but also her cholesterol, celiac and thyroid results. Celiac and thyroid were both great. A1c was up .3 but considering the struggles we are having with exercise and growth spurts (she's grown almost 2 inches in 3 months) I am considering that a small victory. Cholesterol was back up. Ldl to be specific. Hdl and Triglycerides were great. We have battled this since her diagnosis. It went down a little but this time it went the other direction. We have worked with the dietitian and everyone is in agreement that it's not caused by diet but by her family history. We have some things to try (I'll go into that later) but our path to cardiology is set. Given that in the past two years alone her grandfather had his aortic valve replaced and her father had a heart attack at age 40 with no risk factors... I'm ok with that. Let's keep an eye on her!

At least, the logical part of my brain is ok with that.

The emotional part...

Logically, I know that we have done everything possible to lower her cholesterol naturally. She has a great diet. She eats very well. She is thin and active. I also know that we are doing our very best to keep her blood sugar level and in range. We have been pulling every trick we know. And thyroid and celiac and eyes are totally out of our control.

But those little seeds of guilt and worry and doubt are there.

And the ONLY way I can think of to get rid of those seeds is to not water them.

I have to tell those thoughts that they are not welcome in my head.

Those thoughts -- those seeds -- are poisonous.

Earlier today I posted at picture of Sweets going to the Endo with her suitcase filled with things to keep her busy.

One of the hashtags I used was #drentreportcard

One of D Mama friends, Moria, made a comment that really made me think. She said she knew that I referred to it as a report card in jest but feels that even when we kid about it, the implied negativity can seep into our subconscious.

She's right. I was joking. I see it as a report card in the sense that it's when we get our test results. I try very hard to not judge myself or my effort by the number. And I am almost paranoid about never letting Sweets hear us say anything that could make her feel to blame for her diabetes.

She's also right about it affecting us more than we think.

At first, I couldn't understand why people would get so worked up about A1c. If you're doing your best... how can you feel bad? But the longer we lived with diabetes... The more I thought about what those highs and lows do to her body... The more I heard people bemoan themselves and give themselves (me included) "Bad mom of the year" awards... The more I got it.

The more it seeped in.

It's easy to think that our best is not good enough. We see others with A1c numbers lower than ours. We wonder why it's our kid who has diabetes AND ______ (seizures, high cholesterol, poor eyesight, celiac disease, chron's disease, etc). We look at other people and think their lives are perfect. Or at least easier than ours.

They are not.

I think the change has to come from us.

I know how frustrating it is to get a number - be it A1c or cholesterol or whatever - that is higher than you want when you feel like you have worked yourself into a stupor trying to change it for the better. I know how disappointing it is. I know how we take on the weight of the world. I know how we expect perfection of ourselves. Because our kids are relying on us.

I get it.
I feel it, too.

But maybe... just maybe... we need to stop beating ourselves up. For that A1c that we think isn't good enough. For that cholesterol number that isn't coming down. For that bolus we forgot to give. For that low we overtreated. For that night we slept through the alarm. For that disease we couldn't prevent.

I was texting back and forth with my best friend the other night. She was beating herself up about her child having cavities and feeling like it was her fault. I was sharing my frustrations and how I just didn't know what else to do or what else to try. To lower her cholesterol. To keep her steady during activity. To lower that post breakfast spike. I told her that if she was sucky mom then so was I.

This is what she said... "For the record, I think you are the best pancreas ever. And YOU, unlike her real pancreas, do not EVER give up or give out!!! It's not your fault."

I know. She's awesome!

She's also right.

If we were sitting around all day, never bolusing our kids, feeding them only bacon and cheeseburgers and pixie sticks, letting them run wild.... ok - THEN we could feel some guilt.

But we don't. We kill ourselves in the pursuit of the unattainable. Perfection.

I doubt we will ever stop striving because - after all - it's our kids we're talking about.

But hopefully we can work on being kinder to ourselves in the process.

Hopefully we can tell those thoughts that try to make us feel inadequate to get lost.

What do you say?

Deal?

Biggest Loser - Big FAIL

noreply@blogger.com (Hallie Addington) — Tue, 26 Feb 2013 14:00:00 +0000

I love the show The Biggest Loser.

I love watching the contestants and their journeys. I love watching them transform their bodies and their lives. I love watching the hell they go through in the gym! And Sweets likes to watch it, too.

I think it's a good show for her to watch. We talk about how hard the contestants work and the importance making good food choices. She likes watching them do the challenges.

Sure, I've gotten aggravated before with the way they ALWAYS refer to type 2 diabetes as just diabetes. It made me... not really angry but... irritated that one season the contestants wore the Dexcom Seven Plus CGM system. Cool -- but what about all those people who need it not for weight loss but to stay alive? I don't know... something about it just didn't sit right with me.

Overall, I love this show. I watch every week!

But this week.... Oy.

Sweets and I were watching the beginning of the show tonight as she was getting ready for bed. This week's theme was facing your biggest fear. And this season they have kids on the show. One of the kids had been diagnosed with pre diabetes. And she said that her biggest fear was sitting in a doctor's office and being told she has diabetes.

Sweets gave me a funny look. She said, "She's afraid of diabetes? I'm not afraid of diabetes."

I smiled.

That's the right attitude, kiddo. You got this.

And had it ended there....

But it didn't.

Something was said about how diabetes can be prevented through diet and exercise.

Sweets turned and looked at me with this face of confusion. It was a mix of "say what?" and "well that just is not true".

I immediately clarified that they were talking about type 2 diabetes and not type 1. I reassured her that nothing could have prevented her diabetes. No amount of exercise or healthy food could have prevented it or could make it go away. I explained how in type 2 the pancreas stops working slowly and in type 1 her body attacked itself and it happened much more quickly and there was no going back. There was some discussion of pumps and shots and when and how.

She was satisfied. She bopped off to bed and all was right in her world.

But I kept watching. And it just got worse.

The segment with the girl came on. They had her go talk with her school counselor who was diagnosed with type 2 diabetes as an adult. She talked about how she had to take her pills and test her blood sugar a few times a day and give herself a shot each night. And she gave herself a shot. And she talked about how angry she was that she had this disease and how hard it was and how it had changed her life.

I'm not really sure what all she said. All I could hear was the blood rushing to my head.

For some reason, it really upset me. And I was not expecting that.

Now, let me just say... diabetes sucks. Type 1, Type 2, LADA... all of it. It IS hard. It DOES change your life. I know that not everyone with Type 2 gets it because of a poor diet and lack of exercise. Sometimes genetics takes the choice away.

But in that moment....

Anger. Frustration.

I don't know if I wanted to yell or scream or cry.

I wanted to shout... "Oh POOR YOU. You give yourself ONE shot a day. You take PILLS. You test like what? Three, four times a day? CRY ME A RIVER, LADY! CRY ME A RIVER, BIGGEST LOSER!"

(Side note.... so I've been posting about how I'm coming to terms with this disease and how I don't exactly hate it anymore and see the good more than the bad.... That's all true. And so is the fact that there are still days.... when I don't. When I've had enough. When I'm still angry and sad and overwhelmed. Hey, what can I say? I'm just being real. It's a process.)

I just flew all over me.

The "reality" of diabetes that they are showing.

Well, guess what? THAT is not our reality. It might be similar. But that just scratches the surface.

MY reality is having to hold my three year old down FIVE times a day because she needed FIVE shots a day. A screaming, crying toddler begging her parents not to hurt her.

MY reality is counting every carbohydrate that my child has put into her mouth for the past FOUR YEARS.

MY reality is that no matter what I do, I can't control this disease. And when I don't get it right - SHE is the one who suffers.

MY reality is the constant nagging fear that this disease is going take her life.

HER reality is the countless tiny black spots on her fingers from the countless blood sugar tests.

HER reality is wearing a medical device 24 hours a day.

HER reality is needles. Not pills.

OUR reality is that we did NOTHING to bring this on. There was nothing we could do to prevent it. There is nothing that will make it go away. It's that it's not ME with this disease... it's my CHILD. The one person who I just want to protect. It my job to protect. And I can't.

I just wanted to scream at the tv... You keep saying diabetes this and diabetes that. Do you even know that there are two types? Would it kill you to make a distinction? You keep saying that it's going to kill you. You can control it with diet and exercise. Change your ways before it's too late. Here's your warning... don't become this lady who has to give herself one shot a day.

Well guess what, Biggest Loser? THAT is not my diabetes reality.

All I want is for you to at least acknowledge the difference.

Do we want children or adults to get diabetes because of poor diet and lack of exercise? Of course not. It's a problem. I know that. And I'm not saying type 1 is worse than type 2. It's not that. That's not the point.

The point is this...

I have a seven year old little girl. She is the bravest person I know. She told me tonight that her biggest fear is shots. And yet she gets shots. All the time. Just Friday she had a shot. And then on Saturday she had another needle inserted into her body to leave a small wire that would read her glucose levels. And then on Sunday she had yet another needle inserted into her body when she changed her insulin pump. She has had more shots in her the past four years than most people have in their entire lives. Probably a few times over.

This little girl deals with the highs and lows and frustrations and complications of this disease every single day. There is no end in sight. She did NOTHING to cause this disease. She was only three. Nothing could have stopped it.

She's used to hospitals and blood tests. She used to doctor appointments. She used to feeling different than the other kids.

This little girl who looked at me tonight and said, "I'm not afraid of diabetes". Watching that lady give herself a shot didn't scare her. She's seen worse. She's woken up from a low blood sugar induced seizure looking at paramedics. She's lost time from lows. She's been in the hospital with high blood sugar and ketones. She been really, really sick. She's fallen off the balance beam at gymnastics and had to leave school because her blood sugar is too high. And have I mentioned all the needles?

She's not afraid of diabetes. She doesn't remember a life without it.

As a parent of a child with type 1 diabetes, I just want you to "get" that.

The H Word

noreply@blogger.com (Hallie Addington) — Thu, 21 Feb 2013 14:00:00 +0000

Do you know what the H word is?

This reminds me of a story my Mom once told me. She taught first grade and reading for over 33 years. She has LOTS of good stories. But this one has always stuck with me.

One day, a student told her that another child had said the H word. Knowing six year olds like she does, Mom asked what the H word was. You never know. To them words like "underwear" or "fart" or "darn it" are considered bad words. The child whispered, "SHIT".

Hee hee!

But that's not the H word I'm talking about.

I'm talking a word that actually does begin with H.

HATE

It's not hard to remember waaaay back when I first started this blog. In some ways it feels like lifetimes ago and in other ways it feels like it was just yesterday. Sometimes I turn around and realize how far we've come on this journey and other times I feel like all I've done is walk in a circle and I'm right back where I started almost four years ago.

And my feeling about the H word is no different.

Shortly after Sweets was dx'd, I reached out into the abyss of the Internet and the blogosphere looking for someone, anyone who would understand what I was going through. I needed someone to help me. I needed someone who spoke my language. I needed someone who had been in my shoes. And I mean REALLY in my shoes. I was looking for a mom to a little girl who was dxd somewhere between 2 and 3 years old.

The first few months after dx were AWFUL for us. We had to hold her down for every. single. shot. She cried and screamed and begged us not to do it. I was a wreck. And I needed someone who had been there and could help me.

One of the first bloggers I found was Jill from Diabetes Sweeties. Jill is mom to Kacey - a spunky girl who happens to have Type 1. Kacey is a bit older than Sweets but I felt a connection. And so I read and read and read. I learned about their life with diabetes and the ups and downs they were experiencing.

And I'll never forget Kacey telling Jill something very profound. She told her Mom that she couldn't hate diabetes because it was a part of her and hating it would be like hating herself.

At the time, I thought that was some pretty powerful stuff coming from the heart of a little girl.

But you know what? I didn't get it.

Because I HATED diabetes.

Yeah, it was a part of my sweet one. But it was a part that I felt didn't belong there. A part that I would be glad to kick to the curb and never look or think twice about again.

I couldn't really wrap my head around the fact that anyone could actually.... NOT hate diabetes.

I wanted it gone. I wanted it obliterated. I was scared and angry and frustrated. I had seen enough blood, enough tears and enough pain.

To me, diabetes was a ugly scab on her perfect skin. I didn't feel like we had to hide it. But... truth be told, I would have been just as happy to see it disappear.

I've never forgotten those words.

And not long ago, they came back to me.

And I realized....

I get it.

Diabetes is a part of Sweets just like it's a part of Kacey. Just like it's a part of you or your child or your loved one.

It has become a part of her that is so integral to who she is that I couldn't separate the two if I tried. It's a part of her just like her sparkling blue eyes or her smattering of freckles or her super contagious giggle.

It was like an epiphany.

Diabetes isn't an ugly scab. It's actually.... dare I say it? Something beautiful.

Don't get me wrong. I'd still be happy for it to go away.

But here's the thing. It will never go away. Even if there was a cure tomorrow and we could throw all of our lancets and our strips and our insulin and pumps and our needles and on and on and on into a tremendous bon fire.

Diabetes would still be a part of her. Whether her pancreas worked or not.

Because it's more than a disease.

Because of diabetes, my child knows what it's like to endure.
Because of diabetes, my child knows what it's like to be different and why everyone should be treated with compassion and love.
Because of diabetes, my child has incredible empathy for others.
Because of diabetes, my child knows how to never give up.
Because of diabetes, my child knows her strength, her beauty, her confidence come from within.
Because of diabetes, my child sees people first and "disabilities" second.
Because of diabetes, my child truly understand equality.
Because of diabetes, my child has had extra practice with patience.
Because of diabetes, my child knows she is brave.
Because of diabetes, my child knows she is a fighter.
Because of diabetes, my child knows LOVE.

Because of diabetes, I know I'm stronger than I ever thought.
Because of diabetes, I am able to appreciate the small moments of beauty.
Because of diabetes, I am thankful for so much more than ever before.
Because of diabetes, I work extra hard to take nothing for granted.
Because of diabetes, I have more empathy.
Because of diabetes, I celebrate the triumphs.
Because of diabetes, I know perseverance.
Because of diabetes, I know LOVE.

Sure, there's a lot of other things we know. We know pain. We know fear. We know medical terms and procedures we never dreamed we would know. We know anger. We know frustration. We know worry. We know sleepless nights. We know exhaustion. We know helplessness.

If I could take this disease away from her, I would. In a second.

But it wouldn't matter. I've seen too much. She's seen too much.

It's taken almost four years, but I can stand here today and tell you that I get that statement now.

I now understand how diabetes can be such a part of you that you couldn't hate it. That hating it would be hating yourself.

Sure, it's ugly at times. Sometimes it's just plain awful.

And yes, we want that cure. We want the disease to stop wreaking havoc in her body. We want her to live a "normal" life free from testing and blood and pumps and cgms and carb counting and on and on and on.

Maybe you think I'm crazy. I don't blame you. This is so hard to put into words. I feel like I keep chasing this truth around and around and it's staying just out of my reach.

So let me try just one more time....

Do I hate that high blood sugars are like glass in her veins? That lows rob her brain of the sugar it needs to develop properly? That she feels singled out because she can't just eat out of the bag or go off with any friend's parents? That she is attached to devices 24/7? That all the needles HURT? That she is more likely to develop complications like blindness, heart disease, stroke..... than her peers? That she's had a seizure due to a low? That sometimes this disease scares her?

Yes. I do.

I hate those things.

But that's not the whole story.

Diabetes is all of those things. I would love for those things to go away.

But diabetes is more than that.

It's a part of who she is now.
It's a part of who I am.

It's like when your ice cubes melt into your coke. (And for those of you that know me... YES, I know I have a problem. I just love Coke so much. Quit laughing.) You couldn't separate the two again if you tried (and believe me, if I could figure it out I would). You can't go back.

You're left with a new drink that may be a little bit different from the original. But it's not all bad. I'd certainly never say I hated my Coke just because of a few ice cubes. Sure, I might try to fish them out. But I still love my coke.

Of course, too much is not a good thing. Too much ice messes with the flavor. Constant complaining because there is ice in my cup is just going to ruin a perfectly good coke. Just like too much emphasis on diabetes or too much negativity is going mess with your outlook on life.

It's ok to acknowledge the parts we don't like.

It's just that sooner or later, we see the bigger picture. The ice got put in our cup. For good or bad - it's there. We can't take it out. We can't go back. We might as well look for how it enhances the drink and move on!

It's taken four long years, but I can now say that I can enjoy my drink. Truly enjoy it. Dare I say that I might actually like the flavor better now?

Sure, there are parts of diabetes that I don't like. It's no bed or roses.

BUT.... for as bad as those bad parts are.... there has been so much good. I didn't even mention the friendships we have made. And that good overshadows the bad. Crazy - but it does. Most of the time.

So my daughter has Type 1 diabetes. And I can't hate it.

Because she is perfect. Diabetes and all.

Saturday Spectacular

noreply@blogger.com (Hallie Addington) — Wed, 13 Feb 2013 13:00:00 +0000

We had a spectacular Saturday.

And by spectacular, I mean spectacularly suck-tastic.

Saturday was the day we had to go get Sweet's annual labs drawn. We go every 6-12 months for an arm draw. She needs to fast as they are testing for cholesterol, thyroid, and celiac.

We were not worried. Last time was easy peasy. She breezed in the room with no fussing. The nurse was good and it was over faster than you can say "numbing cream" which we always use - if for nothing other than it helps mentally.

This time was the exact opposite.

It was a disaster from start to finish.

As soon as we got to the room, Sweets panicked. She actually stopped in the doorway and wouldn't budge. I may or may not have had to force her in with a swift knee to rump.

She wanted to sit on my lap so we settled into the chair and the nurse got ready to put the band on her arm. She refused to give the nurse her arm. I was surprised at how... reluctant? difficult? she was being. She finally gave the nurse her arm and we went over the things she does to calm herself down. She does NOT like anyone to talk. She counts in her head. And she wants to watch. The nurse started trying to distract her and that only makes her anxiety skyrocket. We learned a long time ago that she does best if she can see what is going on.

The nurse got the needle in but couldn't get the vein. She poked around for a minute and then pulled it out. Sweets was NOT happy that she had to do it again.

The nurse tried again and this time she got the vein right away.

I exhaled. I exhaled WAY too soon.

A minute into the draw and Sweets said she was feeling like she was going to throw up.

We grabbed a trash can and she was... well, she hadn't eaten since dinner the night before so she wasn't doing anything. She stood up and her eyes rolled back into her head and I thought she was going to hit the floor.

I pulled her back onto my lap but it wasn't a second before she said she was going to get sick again. But this time she started stamping her feet and flailing her arms and moaning. Her eyes kept rolling back into her head and she was clammy and wet and gray.

I pulled her back onto my lap and laid her down. Her eyes were still rolling around and then she started saying she was tired. And I should leave her alone so she could go to sleep.

We tested her bg when stared with the stamping and flailing. She was at 130. I sent J out to the car to get juice (because, of course, I didn't have it in my purse and believe it or not, the nurses couldn't find any). We had her drink a little bit and started coming back to us.

By the time we left the outpatient hospital center, she was tired and a little stressed but doing ok.

I was not.

I asked the nurse if that was a normal-ish reaction to a blood draw and she said she had never seen anything like it before. So that was comforting.

My awesome friend, Wendy (who is also a nurse and D Mama extraordinaire), helped explain to me what happened to my girl. She explained that is was a classic vasovagal response. I read up on it thanks to Google and some awesome links she sent me. And although awful, it sounds like a harmless occurrence.

The thing that really stuck with me was how one site described it. They described it as a feeling of "impending death".

Gah. That makes me sick. My poor girl.

I think I'm suffering from PTBDD (post traumatic blood draw disorder). It was really scary. It was just too much like the seizure she had. I wasn't as panicked but it was same feeling of "what the heck is going on? How do I make it stop?" and "Do NOT leave me little girl. Eyes OPEN."

Like I said, she's fine. She bee bopped around that day just like normal.

But I'm not. Not yet.

It just takes a little more time for me to return to normal. And I'm left thinking... THIS is our normal. How did THIS become just another weekend event?

Sometimes with D it feels like two steps forward and once step back.

So even though my heart is still hurting...
Even though I'm not completely over it...
Even though I feel like I need to stop and catch my breath...

I'm able to see that I've taken - WE have taken - a lot more steps forward than steps back.

And while it would be really easy for me to rant and scream and proclaim just how crappy diabetes is.... this really wasn't diabetes. I mean, TECHNICALLY, we wouldn't have been there if it wasn't for good ol' diabetes. And D IS a favorite scapegoat... But this was a reaction that people have. It was scary and awful and really had nothing to do with diabetes.

I can see that distinction now.

Saturday night we went to church. We sang a new song. It was beautiful. And they lyrics really stuck with me.

All this pain
I wonder if I’ll ever find my way
I wonder if my life could really change at all

All aroundHope is springing up from this old groundOut of chaos life is being found in You

You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us

Saturday morning was really ugly. It was frightening. It was chaotic.

Just like diabetes.

But at the end of the day...

It's still all those things.

I'm just learning to see the beautiful things in the midst of the chaos. In the midst of the fear. In the midst of the ugly.

And the beautiful things... they are so much bigger than the rest.
The love.
The beauty.
The compassion.
The caring.
The tenderness.
The honesty.
The laughter.
The faith.
The hope.

My daughter.

She's my beautiful thing.
And she outshines the chaos. She outshines the fear. She outshines the ugly. She outshines the darkness.

So as long as I've got her, every Saturday is Spectacular.

One horrid blood draw won't change that.

You Take the Good, You Take the Bad

noreply@blogger.com (Hallie Addington) — Fri, 08 Feb 2013 13:30:00 +0000

You take the good.
You take the bad.
You take them both and there you have life with D!
(You're singing that aren't you?)

That was our evening.
A little good. A little bad.

I'll start with the good.

Tonight was gymnastics.

Gymnastics has been kicking our rear ends the past few... weeks? Months?

Sweets runs on the low side at school - especially in the afternoons. Activity has really been a challenge for us this year. As soon as she gets home, she wants a snack because her lunch is so early in the day. That's fine. Except on gymnastics day when snack insulin peaks during class and sends her crashing.

We have tried an unbolused snack. We have tried a minus basal. We have tried turning the pump off. We have tried combinations of the three.

Nothing works.

She either is sky high or she goes low anyway.

SO. FRUSTRATING.

One good thing about this is Sweetpea's incredible, awesome, amazing gymnastics coach. Sweets has been with Miss B for a couple of years. She is so sweet! When Sweets broke her arm last year, Miss B sent her a get well card! But her awesomeness is proven in how she handles diabetes.

Miss B can tell when Sweets is low. She gives us a sign if she thinks something is off. And 99% of the time, she is right. That's amazing. NO ONE else can tell. She just KNOWS her. She knows her balance and strength and personality and can tell right away if something is off. We LOVE her!

Today's good news is that we FINALLY got it right!

I don't know how. It was most likely a combination of things, including the retrograde of Mars in relation to the third moon of Venus or something. I don't care. I'll take it.

She went into class with this number...

And returned at this number...

We turned the pump off and boosted her covered snack a little with a few carbs.

And, of course, Miss B said she was ON today and did great!

Now for the not so good...

While I'm sitting there watching Sweets do cartwheels on the balance beam I can't help but overhear the people next to me talking.

SHE works in a vet office. HE is intrigued and asking her lots of questions.

SHE is telling him about the surgery they do there and HE is asking questions about the facility. (I'm eavesdropping because it's our vet and I'm curious as to what she has to say since I really like it!) SHE tells him they do all different kinds of procedures and have lots of different medicines on hand to treat any kind of illness. Medicines including insulin.

HE says, "Insulin? You mean dogs can get treated for diabetes too? Do people really do that"
SHE answers that yes, they can. And that it often requires TWO shots a day.

I'm sitting there thinking... "TWO?!? Try SIX. PLUS finger sticks."

And then HE says... "That has to be really expensive."
SHE replies that yes, it is.

HE says, "Pretty soon we're gonna need Obama Care for dogs. People are going to expect us to pay to keep their dogs alive, too. I grew up on a farm. When a dog was sick or had diabetes you didn't treat it. They just went under the stairs and died."

Wow.

That's all I've got. Wow.

This comment bothered me. It isn't about Obama Care or health care. It's the ignorance behind that comment. It's the complete lack of concern for life.

I really try to have a sense of humor about diabetes. I think it's important to laugh at ourselves and this life. I try not to take everything so seriously. And maybe HE was just trying to be funny.

But I didn't laugh.

I wanted to say...

See that little girl out there? The one in the white t-shirt that says "Walk to Cure" on it. The one flipping over the bars and doing roundoffs across the floor. The one with the kinda curly brown hair and sparkling blue eyes. The one with the big smile and contagious laugh.

She has that disease you're talking about.

She's lived with it longer than she's lived without it. She didn't ask for it. She did nothing to make it happen. She couldn't have stopped it if she had tried.

It IS expensive.

You see that bag in my purse? Those are the supplies we carry with us at all times. The needles we use to prick her fingers 8-10 times a day. The special medicine we are to give her if she has a seizure or passes out. And yes, it's a needle too.

You see that cell phone thing I keep looking at? That's keeping track of her blood glucose. Because we have to watch it all the time. And yes, it's another needle. In her arm. A sensor she wears all the time and is changed once a week.

And then there's her insulin pump. No, it doesn't mean we don't have do anything. It's inserted every three days. Yup, another needle. I can't even begin to tell you how complicated THAT is.

She's having a good day today. Today you see her at her best. But some weeks she can't stay on the beam. Some weeks she falls off because she is low and too dizzy to stay on. Some weeks she doesn't have the strength to lift herself up and over the bars because she is too high and feeling sluggish.

That little girl that looks as healthy as everyone else.

Is she too much of an imposition to keep alive? Is it too much to ask that she have access to health care? Would you just put her under the stairs, too? Would you just let her die so you didn't have to deal with it?

What do you even say in a situation like that?

I said nothing. It wasn't my conversation.

I just kept my eyes on my girl. And played a little "Candy Crush" when I couldn't take it any longer!

All I can do is shake my head...

And know how true this is.

Look Out, Washington! Here She Comes!

noreply@blogger.com (Hallie Addington) — Thu, 07 Feb 2013 13:30:00 +0000

Monday.

We were tired from the blood sugar roller coaster that was our weekend.

I was at work. You know, working. And I got a text from Jason.

"Are you there?"

I always have my phone on me. Just in case. You never know...

My first thought was that something was wrong. She had crashed or was super high or something.

"Yes. What's up?"

His response was just two words.

DC BOUND

Followed by this picture...

SHUT THE FRONT DOOR!

Are you kidding me?!?

Sweets was selected as a delegate to JDRF's Children's Congress!

I was SHOCKED. I did not expect for her to be chosen this year. Over 1500 children applied. Only 150 were chosen. Those are not good odds!

But somehow.... this is her year! What an incredible honor!

I made Jason wait until I got home from work to tell her.

We told her we had a surprise for her and let her read the letter herself. This is a little clip... I love the look on her face when she realizes what it means!

Make a video - it's fun, easy and free!
www.onetruemedia.com

And yes, she asked if we got to go for her birthday!

We are all so very excited!

Sweets LOVES Washington. I mean LOVES! She has been obsessed with it since we went a few years ago. We recently watched a special on HGTV about decorating the White House at Christmas. She was intrigued that the Oval Office was really OVAL! And the other day she said to me, "Mom, I want to be one of the volunteers who helps decorate the White House for Christmas. That would be a great job! Do they decorate the Oval Office?" I told her I didn't know but that probably not because that's the president's office and no one really gets to go in there. "Not even the dog?!?" she asked. And then she said, "Well, I'm going to decorate and I'm going to find a way in there." HA! Look out Washington!

I'm thrilled for us to have this opportunity to advocate! Since getting involved with JDRF close to four years ago, I have found that advocating is a passion of mine. I truly feel that telling our stories - especially IN PERSON - really makes an impact. It's easy to think that we are just one person. One voice. And that nothing we do really matters. But that's not true. And come on... who can say no to that face?!?

I am so looking forward to sharing this journey with you!

Diabetes Art Day 2013: In a Vial

noreply@blogger.com (Hallie Addington) — Tue, 05 Feb 2013 03:11:00 +0000

Today is Diabetes Art Day!

I love Diabetes Art Day! I love creating and having the reason to do so!

Diabetes Art Day was created by LeeAnn Thill of The Butter Compartment as a way to express yourself and tell your story about life with diabetes - in a creative and visual way!

This year I decided to go a little non-traditional in my art. I knew exactly what I wanted to do!

I saved some old vials. I kept some Apidra vials (that's the insulin Sweets uses) to make ornaments out of at Christmas and never got around to it. And, for some reason, I kept the vial of Glucagon that we had to give Sweets almost two years ago when she had a seizure from a low. I don't know why I kept it. I just did.

And today I turned them into something else. Something beautiful.

My original idea was to make them into necklaces. And I may still do that. But I also think they are really pretty just standing alone. Or in a pair.

This is the vial of Apidra. I filled it with blue sprinkles. To me, it represents BLUE hope, cupcakes, sparkle, and life. It represents all the things that diabetes can not take from you.

This is the glucagon vial. It's my favorite. I filled it with opaque glitter. To me, this represents life and sparkle! It makes me think of purity and hope. It looks magical and mystical.

It's amazing to me that the substances in these little vials keep my child alive. It's humbling. It's powerful.

I would love to wear these as a daily reminder of the fragility of life, the strength of a person, and the blessings diabetes has brought into our life.

To check out all the D Art Day submissions, click HERE!

My Life In Pictures

noreply@blogger.com (Hallie Addington) — Tue, 22 Jan 2013 13:00:00 +0000

Back in November, I participated in a Photo A Day challenge on Instagram.

It was a lot of fun - I really love Instagram!!

In case you don't follow me there (and why not, anyway?? Click here...), I decided to post the pics here!

Day One: Struggle
This is the reason she was struggling to stay on the balance beam at gymnastics.

Day Two: Prescriptions
Just a small sample... but so glad we have them!

Day Three: Fingers

Sweet little fingers. Countless little holes.

Day Four: OOPS!

A bleeder. It wasn't our fault but still...

Day Five: Bulleseye
Not perfect - but pretty darn close!

Day Six: Feet
Sweet feet. Love her!

Day Seven: Gear

Cheer Gear at her first game. And no - there was no one in front of that number.

Day Eight: SPARKLE
I got a cool blue sparkly WDD T-shirt from Stick Me Designs!

Day Nine: Blood

Doesn't happen often - but this is what we found when I took off her pod. Of course, this also happened the night J was having his second *SURPRISE* heart surgery and that *SURPRISE* pod change was the reason I couldn't get back to the hospital before he went in for surgery. D affects EVERYTHING. In ways you never could even imagine!

Day Ten: Low Treatment

Notice a pattern??

Day Eleven: Cupcake
This was on Sweetpea's second Diaversary. After she got out of the hospital for low induced seizures. She deserved a cupcake!

Day Twelve: LOVE
This Sweet's best boy buddy. They love each other. The first time they met she was maybe 2 months old and he was 7 months old. If not earlier. He checks Dex for her when they are playing. He's pricked his finger. He doesn't see diabetes. He sees Sweets. This was in Florida last summer - favorite pic!!!

Day Thirteen: Meter
And an ugly meter, at that! This was one day at MY school while I was getting my room ready. Out of the blue. No warning. But it hit her hard. She curled up on the carpet and went to sleep and I kept peering at her making sure she was breathing.

Day Fourteen: Diafail
Sometimes she's high. Sometimes she's low. Sometimes both in the same day. Same hour!

Day Fifteen: TODAY - WDD
Friends at school - wearing BLUE! You can't tell which ones have D. On the right of Sweets is Ally (of Life is Like a Box of Chocolates fame) and her sister Jessi on the left. So lucky to have these awesome girls at her school. Ally takes care of her!

Day Sixteen: BLUE

This is what a D Mama's night stand looks like. Of course, the alarm is also my phone that I'm taking the pic with!

Day Seventeen: Random

This was Sweets making tally marks and counting our the carbs in her goldfish crackers!

Day Eighteen: Bolusworthy
Doesn't everyone get cake on the first day of school?!?

Day Nineteen: Strips
We used test strips to make our WDD Postcards!

Day Twenty: Friends
Trick or Treating with friends. She always goes low. I should know this by now.

Day Twenty One: HATE
I hate what diabetes does to her little body. I hate that this number is because I prebolused breakfast a mere 10 minutes early and then it took longer than usual to get the donut treats. I hate that I can't take this disease away from her.

Day Twenty Two: Diet Drink

She only drinks water. Juice for lows. Nothing else. She doesn't like it. Never had a soda. And here you thought she got diabetes because I put soda in her baby bottles.

Day Twenty Three: Carbs
This was me at a hayride and pumpkin patch. Sifting through the trash in front of all these people giving me weird looks. Not that I cared!

Day Twenty Four: Unicorn
Sweets got this unicorn with the money she got (instead of candy) for Halloween. She LOVES unicorns! Especially pink or purple ones. She has tons.

Day Twenty Five: Exercise
She is an incredibly active kid. She dances, cheers, plays tennis, does gymnastics....

Day Twenty Six: Eyes
I couldn't choose. I love this one.

And this one. She was hamming it up for the camera here. She was not really sad!
I love her beautiful blue eyes! We will do everything we can to make sure those peepers stay healthy for years and years.

Day Twenty Seven: Shoes
Girl loves her shoes. Espcially boots. Just like her Mama.

Day Twenty Eight: Advocate
We LOVE advocating for T1 awareness and funding! This was when we went to Washington with JDRF and met with some of our Senators and Representatives. It was an incredible experience.

Day Twenty Nine: Stockpile
This is our D cabinet. It's huge. I love it. I hoard D supplies. I worry that we won't be able to get what we need. This may or may not be rational. It's also a hot mess and needs organized.

Day Thirty: CURE

This says it all. This is my baby. She needs a cure. Not in ten years. Not some day. Not just better equipment (although that is important, too). She needs a CURE. And she needs it NOW.

Downgrading Diabetes

noreply@blogger.com (Hallie Addington) — Wed, 09 Jan 2013 13:00:00 +0000

I was surfing through Pinterest the other day (as I tend to do on occasion) and I came across an incredible blog.

I'm not exactly sure what made me actually click and read it. But I'd like to think it was because I needed to hear what it had to say.

The blog post was about the birth of a woman's second child. A child who was not exactly what she had expected. Her honesty, bravery, and pure candor really touched my heart.

You should go read it. The blog is called Enjoying the Small Things and the post I'm talking about is titled Nella Cordelia: A Birth Story. Seriously - go on. I'll wait. Grab a tissue on your way over. You might need it!
...............................................................................................................................................................

Glad you had the tissue?

The part that really got to me was where she wrote that the doctor had come in and said,

"I need to tell you something.

... "I know what you're going to say."

She smiled again and squeezed my hand a little tighter.

The first thing I'm going to tell you is that your daughter is beautiful and perfect.

...and I cried harder.

...but there are some features that lead me to believe she may have Down Syndrome.

Finally, someone said it.

I felt hot tears stream down and fall on my baby's face. My beautiful, perfect daughter. I was scared to look up at Brett, so I didn't. I just kissed her.

And then, Dr. Foley added...

...but, Kelle....she is beautiful. and perfect."

We've all been there, haven't we?

We've all been in a doctor's office and heard words we did not want to hear.

Like this Mama, I knew before I was told. I knew what our pediatrician was going to say. I still cried.

The part that really gets to me is where the doctor says, "but, Kelle... she is beautiful. and perfect."

Maybe that's something we all need to hear.

I know this. I've always known this.

Yes, my daughter has diabetes. Her pancreas doesn't work. This disease requires constant attention. Countless finger sticks and needles and blood and counting and pain.

No, this wasn't what I expected.

But it doesn't matter. I couldn't love her more if I tried.

She has diabetes. But she's beautiful. And perfect.

No - she has diabetes. AND she's beautiful. And perfect.

Do you ever need to hear that? Do you ever need that perspective? Do you ever get totally overwhelmed with this disease? The neverendingness? The complexity? The trying so hard and not seeing the results you want to see? Need to see? Do you ever get so scared about the future? The what if's? The fear?

Sometimes we just need to hear... "Yeah, ok... there's this diabetes thing. But it doesn't matter. Your child is beautiful and perfect. Your child can live a long, healthy life. Your child can accomplish the same things they could BEFORE. And that's that."

I know I need to hear it. I need that reminder.

There was another line in Kelle's blog that really touched me. After realizing that her daughter had Down Syndrome, she said, "That was the most defining moment of my life. That was the beginning of my story."

In some ways, I get that.

Diabetes WAS the beginning of my story - in a sense. It was the beginning of THIS story.

It was most certainly ONE of the most defining moments of my life. But you know what? If you had asked me a year ago, I might have said that diabetes was THE MOST defining moment of my life.

But not now. Not today.

Today I would say that it's up there. It's in the top five. Possibly top two.

But it's not the top.

Time has changed that. Time has downgraded diabetes.

It still hurts. It still gets to me. It always will.

But it no longer gets the top spot.

Because the most defining moment in my life was becoming a mother.

THAT is who I am.

I am a mother first.

I am a D Mama second.

We work so hard making sure our kids are kids first. We work so hard making sure that diabetes does not define them. And in working so hard... does it begin to define US???

It's taken almost four years to get here. To this place. To be able to tell you that diabetes is PART of our story. It's not the whole thing.

That feels good.

And I hope those of you out there who are new to this journey find some peace and some hope in that. You know one of my favorite quotes says, "It never gets easier. You just get stronger." It's so true.

Diabetes is a part of who I am. A part. It's made me tough as nails. It's brought me friendships that I could never replace and feel downright blessed to have in my life. It's made me confident in abilities I didn't know I had. It's changed my perspective and outlook on life.

That's HUGE. But it's not everything.

You know what IS everything?

I have a child who is beautiful and perfect. She has blue eyes and curly hair and a giggle that is infectious. She loves to read and write. She dances and swims and plays tennis and cheers. She's spunky and kind. She has a big heart. She has diabetes.

It's just a part of her, too.

And I want to make sure she always remembers that.

My sweet, sweet girl. You are so many things. You are creative and funny. You are a great reader. The notes you leave us are so special. You are confident and courageous and strong. You are determined. You are the happiest child I know. You are loving and kind. Yes, you might have diabetes. But it's just a part of you like everything else in this list. Never forget that you are so much more than that disease. You are beautiful and perfect and you have been since the first moment I saw you.

The Bag Backfire

noreply@blogger.com (Hallie Addington) — Fri, 04 Jan 2013 19:04:00 +0000

Nothing is ever simple when living with diabetes, is it?

Raising a child with diabetes includes a whole new set of things you've got be ready for. In addition to all the regular growing up and gaining independence stuff there's all this diabetes stuff too!

Because Sweets was diagnosed a few short weeks after turning three, most of her care to this point has been done by J and I. A three year old can't really read carb counts. But all that is starting to change and it's adding a whole new dimension to our lives!

And, of course, it's never quite as simple as we hope it would be to keep our kids safe at school.

This is where my story begins...

After the tragic events in Connecticut, J and I decided that we were being too lax in our preparations for the "what if". Last year Sweet carried (her teachers carried) a bag with her whenever she left the classroom that contained a fact sheet, meter, smarties, juice and glucagon. We felt it was important that she have these things with her at all times. You never know what's going to happen and should there be a lockdown and she couldn't get to her kit she would at least have the supplies she needed to stay safe.

This year, at her new school, we decided to just leave the bag in her classroom. The other classrooms in the school that she visits have kits that contain things to treat a low. Remember, she's not the only one now. Now she's one of EIGHT. (and yes, unfortunately that number just went up) The thing is- those kits don't have meters. They don't have glucagon. There isn't one outside.

We were ok with that. Before.

Now, I just can't shake the feeling that I'm being irresponsible if I don't insist she have access to her supplies at all times. The probablility of something happening is slim. But what if??? We all know that things happen. And they happen to us. I would never forgive myself if she needed her supplies and did not have them.

So, we decided that from now on she will carry her bag with her when she leaves the room. We got her super cute sparkly Hello Kitty purse to keep her stuff in.

Problem solved, right?

Wrong.

One little problem. There is now a state law that says that glucagon can not be carried by a student or a teacher and is only allowed to administered by a trained person.

Say what?

I won't go into that whole thing. Long story short is that if we have doctors orders she is allowed to carry the glucagon in her emergency bag. Would someone actually use it? Maybe not. But at least it's there.

So now the problem is solved, right?

Nope. Not yet.

When I picked Sweets up from school yesterday, I asked her how her day was and the bag was. She said it was fine and she liked it.

Then she told me that she felt low during lunch. So she decided to test herself. Except she's too chicken to push the lancet and so her T1 buddy in her class did that part. But the meter didn't work right. So she just kept eating.

Nice.

So we had a little talk about how that bag is for an EMERGENCY. And that if she feels low, she needs to tell an adult before she does anything else.

She said, "Why? ________ (T1 buddy) and I can handle it."

Oh dear.

I told her that I was glad that she was taking responsibility and it was a good thing to test but that at school she really has to get an adult to help her. And besides, does she know what numbers are high and low?

"Not exactly. But _____ (T1 buddy) does."

Great. Looks like we need to work on the high/low thing! We also had a discussion about how they are not allowed to do that at school without an adult helping.

I thought she got it.

Problem solved! Right??

Oh, no. Not so fast.

I'm not even kidding you ... as I am WRITING THIS BLOG I got an email from the nurse saying that Sweets felt low in class this morning and had half a juice box on her own.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?

WHAT am I going to DO with this kid?!?

It seems we need to have another discussion. And if she can't handle the bag....

I know that she thinks she's big stuff with her own bag. She's proud of herself for being able to read the carb counts on the labels and bolusing herself (with someone watching). I'm GLAD that she is starting to take some initiative in her care. And that's she is paying attention to her body.

BUT....

That can't happen at school.

I don't want to crush her independence. I want her to continue to develop these skills. But I also need her to follow directions!!

Looks like we are going to be having another little talk tonight about the bag and when she is supposed to use it. Maybe it's not the best idea after all. We will see... I think she's responsible enough to handle this.

She just has to get the rules straight. She doesn't like to break the rules.

The thing is - sometimes she thinks SHE knows best!

** Thanks to Misty for this blog name! It was her idea!
** If you have any suggestions or ideas for me - leave me a comment! I appreciate all the help I can get! This is brand new territory for us!

New Year Reflections (Same Old Diabetes)

noreply@blogger.com (Hallie Addington) — Thu, 03 Jan 2013 18:23:00 +0000

Happy New Year!

I had planned on blogging about our holiday hoopla and our New Years Eve... and then....

The Stomach Flu.

I hate the stomach flu. But you know what I hate more? I hate a type 1 kid with the stomach flu. Can I get an AMEN??

Sweets had it her last week of school. Lucky for her, it was short lived. We were able to keep it in control. Luckily, we had noticed her bg was dropping and did a temp basal before the puking began so she was at a good number and never went low. Ketones did get super high - but as soon as I was able to get some carbs in her the insulin did it's magic.

We've ALL been sick. ALL of us have been to the doctor with sinus infections and ear infections and such. But I thought I had gotten through unscathed. Silly me. I should have know a sick kid - plus having half a class out sick at school - didn't bode well. I got the stomach flu on the 30th. Only I think mine was the FLU.

Now I get why Sweets was so ticked off that she had gotten a flu shot and was throwing up anyway!!!

Needless to say, New Years plans were cancelled.

Hopefully we are all on the mend and so it's time to take a look back into 2012.

I have to say - I'm not too sorry to say GOODBYE to 2012. It wasn't our best year. But it wasn't all bad either. Here's a recap:

January found me asking you to Promise Me This and bragging on my kid who wound up in the local paper! I also wrote about The Fall which, unfortunately, was only the first.

February had me blogging about another kind of fall... and Another Type 1 - because one wasn't enough. I also told you in Friendship #FAIL that sometimes I'm a sucky friend. And I blame it all on diabetes!

In March, Sweetpea turned SIX and I talked about The Smell of Life.

April found me Putting Fear in a Box. We also celebrated Sweet's third diaversary and I wrote Me at Three. And in a very odd coincidence that I just discovered, I also wrote about The Heart Attack.

In May, I told you Where I Shine and also that I thought There's Something You Should Know.

In June, we were Soaring to a Cure and I wanted to remind you... Do You Know How Lucky You Are?

July brought us A Vlog From Sweets and the WORST CURE EVER.

In August, I wrote The Post with A Thousand Names and a Million Emotions as Sweets started school - on her own.

September was a month I'd like to forget in many ways. It started with A Heart Stopping Week. And also The One I Didn't Want to Write.

October found me very anxious in Anxious You??? Anxious Me!!!. Is it any wonder after September?!?

November found me MIA. I am going post my pics from the photoaday I did on Instagram for Diabetes Awareness Month. But you can follow me (Pumping Princess) and see them now!

In December I was Swimming through Jello and we all learned that life can change In the Blink of an Eye.

One of my New Years Resolutions is to find a way to blog more here and post more on the facebook page. I'm finding that after almost four years, I'm finding my way back to who I used to be as a teacher. I like that. I've missed that. I need to find a way to blog as well... because I need this, too!

I wish you all happiness and health this coming year! It would be my privilege for you to join me on this journey as I keep on blogging and keeping it real about our life - living and loving with type 1!

In the Blink of an Eye

noreply@blogger.com (Hallie Addington) — Sat, 15 Dec 2012 14:05:00 +0000

This is a diabetes blog.

But this is also a blog about a family.

It's a blog about a Mom trying to deal with everything life throws at her with strength, humor, and a little bit of grace.

So I just have to write about this today.

I could not sleep last night.

Usually it's diabetes that keeps me awake. And usually by Friday night, I practically pass out from exhaustion. But not last night.

Last night my heart was incredibly heavy. And it's no different this morning.

Jason texted me yesterday morning with the THRILLING news that the new Omnipod FINALLY had FDA approval. I can not tell you how excited I was! Giddy! And I will post more about this very, very soon!

But then he texted me that there had been a school shooting. In a kindergarten class. And there were many, many children who had been killed.

Folks, I teach kindergarten.

I read that text (because every D Mama ALWAYS has her phone on her at all times) in the middle of my classroom. In the middle of my 28 kinders.

Shock. Tears.

I looked around my room at all those precious little faces and was simply overwhelmed with grief and sadness.

How could this happen? WHY?

I'm not just a kindergarten teacher. I'm also the mom of a six year old. All I could think of was how horrible this was for those parents who lost their precious little ones. And how awful it was for the teachers and school staff. I love my kinders like my own. They are "my" kids. I would do anything to keep them safe.

As parents of kids with a life threatening, chronic disease, we look death in the face every day.

Ok, so maybe that's a bit dramatic. Maybe it's stretching a little.

But we know how quickly things can go from fine to NOT FINE. We know how one decision can impact a multitude of things in very serious ways. We know how fragile life is.

We know that we are not exempt from tragedy.

We know that we are not immune. That sometimes bad things happen for no reason.

We know that pain and disease and death doesn't just happen to "other people".

We have all sat in a room and been told that it's happening to US. To OUR KIDS.

And it changes you. It changes the way you think.

I now appreciate the good days, the small moments, the beauty of this world so much more than ever before. Even when things are crazy busy, I look deeper. I feel deeper. I know how quickly things can change.

And maybe that's why this tragic school shooting has really gotten to me.

Because I know I'm not exempt. And neither is my baby. It could have easily been MY classroom. It could have easily been HER classroom.

This morning I am so thankful to have my little girl here with me. Alive and well. I watch her walk around and laugh and play in her little Hello Kitty pajamas and I am so thankful. I think of all my kinders and I am so thankful for each of their sweet little faces.

I don't have anything wise to say. I don't have anything that will dull this ache.

The only thing I have to offer up are prayers. Prayers for the school community as they are dealing with this horrific loss of life. This horrific loss of their own. Prayers for the parents and families of each of those precious babies.

Friends, hug your littles today. No matter how little or big they may be.

And join me in my wish of peace for the families, community, and world.

** This is the perfect time to look into your lock down procedures for your T1. If you do not have lock down procedures in place, this is the time to do it. If you do already have procedures in place, this is a perfect time to review them. I know I'm going to be talking to Sweetpea's teacher and nurse and reviewing our plan. As I'm reviewing the plan for the T1 in my class and making sure everyone is aware of what needs to happen.**

Wiser Words

noreply@blogger.com (Hallie Addington) — Wed, 12 Dec 2012 12:00:00 +0000

In the past few posts, (here and here) I've been talking about how diabetes has been forced to take a back seat over the past few months. I've talked about how it's kind of melted into the background and become just a - dare I say? - normal part of our lives.

But before you start thinking I've found the magic elixir that puts diabetes in it's place and keeps it there, I guess I better come clean.

It hasn't been all rose colored glasses.

Nope. The glasses are definitely still tinted blue.

The other day I was spending a few minutes (*wink*) browsing on Pinterest when I saw this quote:

And it just stopped me in my tracks.

Wiser words have never been spoken.

I might be able to push diabetes into the background. I might be able to ignore it for awhile. I might be forced to put other things ahead of it from time to time. And that might be a good thing.

But none of that makes it go away.

About a week ago, Mr. Funky ( our Elf on the Shelf) came back to visit us. Sweets had been asking about him for days. And then one morning, he showed up! And boy did he show up! He brought with him a very special breakfast and letter from Santa (more on that later).

Sweets was over the moon with excitement! The snowman was made of donuts, laffy taffy, chocolate chips, a mini peanut butter cup and m&m's. Yummy!

Sweets had been running low and when we tested her before breakfast the number that popped up on the meter was a big, fat 54.

Sweets was happy because this meant she could eat the WHOLE THING!

As I stood there watching her eat her special treat, I say a normal six year old little girl brimming with Christmas excitement!

And I also saw a six year old little girl whose hands were shaking. She was having trouble eating.

THUD.

In that moment, all the pretense, all the fear, the pressure, the worry, the anger, the frustration, the hurt, the pain, the regret, the guilt.... all of it came crashing down around me.

The pain is still there. It might be hidden under scar tissue. You might not be able to see it unless you look close enough. But it's all still there.

I didn't know if I wanted to scream or cry. WHY? WHY must she have to deal with disease? WHY does it have to create havoc in her body? WHY does it change the rules on me constantly? WHY can't she just eat her special breakfast in peace?

We gave her some orange juice. We never give her orange juice.

With a smile stretching across her toothless little face she said, "This is the best low EVER!"

*sigh*

Sweet, sweet girl. I'm glad that's how she sees it. I'd walk to through fire to make sure that she keeps that positive outlook. D kids (and peeps) are amazing like that. Tough as nails. Sweet as sugar.

I tell myself not to let it bother me. If it's no big deal to her... Why should I let it get to me?

But those shaking hands. They tear the scars off a Mama's wounded heart.