The Princess and The Pump: A Type 1 Diabetes Blog

There's Something You Should Know...

noreply@blogger.com (Hallie Addington) — Wed, 30 May 2012 23:19:00 +0000

My mom and I were talking the other day. As it often does, the conversation turns to something diabetes related.

She always asks me how Sweetpea's numbers are. What's been going on.

And so I was explaining a how her arms seems to be a "sweet spot" for good numbers but we have had some lows... like that 45 on Christmas morning... that come out of nowhere.

She was expressing her frustration that diabetes doesn't play but the rules.

They take care of Sweetpea every afternoon. They know how to bolus for food and how to treat a low... or a high. But that's it. And Mom was saying how she realizes that they don't REALLY know how to take care of her. They know nothing about basal rates and ISF's. It makes her crazy that doing the same thing one day can cause a completely different result on the next. "It just doesn't make sense!" she says.

"Mom, You've got to get over that. Diabetes DOESN'T make sense. Don't expect it to.... you'll just pull your hair out."

"It's so hard to explain to people. People ask me all the time how Sweetpea is doing. But they just don't really understand." she said.

Yeah.

"How is she doing?"

Seems like a simple enough question.

But it's not.

I never know what to say. It's such a loaded question....

If you don't LIVE with diabetes 24/7 - you don't know. And explaining it can be as difficult as nailing jello to a tree. Or herding cats.

BUT... I have to try. It's my JOB to try. It's my MISSION to try. (See also: If I Have to Explain...)

So....

For all of those on the "outside" - there are a few things I want you to know.

I assume that you already know the basics...You know.... that T1's an autoimmune disease. It wasn't caused by eating too much sugar. There is no cure. She won't grow out of it.

But there's more...

I want you to know....

that there is no "good" or "bad" kind of diabetes

that diabetes is not a disease where you take your medicine and forget about it

that I think about diabetes all. the. time. I'm always thinking about what her current bg is, or what she's eating, or what she's going to eat, or wondering if she's rising or falling, or what's going to happen next.

that diabetes is unpredictable.

that diabetes is always changing.

that calculating insulin doses is extremely complicated - and it's NEVER a+b=c

that diabetes is deadly. Not in 50 years. Not if we don't take care of her. It's deadly NOW. No matter what we do or how hard we try.

that calling the hospital does not mean that her diabetes is "bad". Calling the hospital for help is a normal part of life for us. The more we learn, the more capable we are to make changes on our own. But we still call.

that when you have diabetes, there are no small illnesses. Diabetes makes a simple cold anything but simple.

that wearing a pump does not mean that you're cured or that life is easy

that the pump site and cgm site is inserted with a NEEDLE every 3 days

that having a CGM does not mean that we don't prick her fingers anymore

that we still get up in the night. Sometimes once. Often more. And I've just accepted that that is the way it is. It is not going to change.

that EVERYTHING affects blood sugar - exercise, illness, excitement, nerves, growth, hormones....

that she really CAN eat ANYTHING she wants

that sometimes although she CAN eat it, she shouldn't until her blood sugar comes down

that sugar-free is not always better

that she MUST test her bg first. Not after a few bites. Not later. BEFORE.

that there is little room for error

that we go to the hospital every 3 months for a checkup

that I know how to handle my child's diabetes better than any nurse or doctor - not that I don't need help and advice... but I know her body and her disease

that being a perfect pancreas is pretty much impossible

that it hurts to be left out

that I don't want your pity. I don't want you to feel sorry for me - or her.

that I want you to FEEL for us... and then take that empathy and put it into action to help us find a CURE.

that people who don't care to learn about diabetes because it's "no big deal" make me so angry steam comes out of my ears

that it costs a LOT of money

that we can never leave home without our supplies - it's life and death

that nothing is as easy as before... not holidays, not school, not church, not playdates, NOTHING

that diabetes changes EVERYTHING

that you can't - for a minute - let your guard down or get "lax" in your care or attention to detail

that things can go from fine to emergency way too quickly

that I am tired

that I often look like hell, can't think straight, sport dark circles under my eyes, don't hear what you're saying... because I live in a parallel world where diabetes hijacks my brain from time to time... and my energy.

that a cavalier attitude about her care and/or expressing to me that I'm too overprotective is not going to go over well. When YOUR child has diabetes and YOU are the one responsible for her health and well being - then I'll listen to your opinion. Until then - keep it to yourself.

that my husband and I rarely have time together... alone. Date nights are pretty much non-existent. So, while I will genuinely happy for you that you get to go away for your anniversary or that you got to go out together for dinner and a movie - I'll also be very jealous!

that I don't mind answering your questions.... BUT -

that I really don't want to hear about your Great Aunt Sue who lost lost both of her legs and went blind

that I do NOT want to hear about cinnamon or some tree moss (see Joanne's video) that you think is going to cure her. If it was that simple do you really think I wouldn't know?

that no, I'm really not glad she "got it so young" and that "she'll never remember life before". No, that's sad.

that you have no idea How Lucky You Are

that my medicine cabinet is taller than I am

that it is incredibly painful to hold your child down to give her shots or insert pump or cgm sites

that I've already cried enough tears to fill an ocean

that it does get better with time

that it will always hurt

that I will FIGHT for my child and her health

that I will never let diabetes stop her or hold her back

that diabetes makes you stronger

that my daughter is the bravest person I know

that while I long for you to "get it" and to understand this crazy new life we live.... I also pray that you are ALWAYS an outsider and that you NEVER experience this first hand.

So I'm a little late... Ok, a lot late. Due to strep and the end of the year... and going back to the doctor because she is STILL sick... I missed the "What I What You To Know" post from Diabetes Blog Week. So here it is!! I originally wrote this post about a year and a half ago. I just reread it and it's every bit as true now as it was then. I'd say that I hope you can relate - but really I hope you can't. However, if you are already living this life then I do hope it at least makes you feel understood!

Good Luck, Charlie!

noreply@blogger.com (Hallie Addington) — Sun, 27 May 2012 18:08:00 +0000

I originally wrote this post a year ago. Today, it just as true! Except that today is the 101st racing of the Indianapolis 500. And as I write this, Charlie is holding steady around 5th place! GO, Charlie, GO!

When you hear the phrase "Good Luck, Charlie" around our house, it's always been in reference to the Disney show by that name that Sweetpea adores!

Except for today...

Today we are saying "GOOD LUCK, CHARLIE!" to a different person for a very different reason.

Today is the 100th racing of the Indianapolis 500.

I've grown up watching this race. Tradition, in my family, was picking drivers with my parents to see who could pick the winner. We still do that. Sweetpea picks, too (and somehow, always makes the best picks).

This year, there was one special driver set aside for HER to pick. No one else was allowed to choose Charlie Kimball.

Because Charlie has Type 1 diabetes. And Charlie wears a Dexcom. (Read his story HERE)

Kimball drives the No. 83 car for Novo Nordisk Chip Ganassi Racing in the IZOD IndyCar Series and is the first licensed driver with diabetes in the history of INDYCAR.

You can find out more about Charlie on his website: www.charliekimball.com

You can also read some articles and watch some video of Charlie HERE and HERE.

I'll leave you today with a little letter...

Charlie,
We are so proud of you! While we have no idea what it really takes to race at the highest level of racing, we do know a little of what it takes to manage diabetes. Doing both... Wow. We want to say THANK YOU. Thank you for not backing down, for going for your dreams, and for not letting diabetes hold you back. You are wonderful role model for our daughter - who we hope will also follow her dreams, in spite of having diabetes. It is important for her to see you - someone LIVING with diabetes. Someone else wearing a "Dexie". We also want to say GOOD LUCK! We will be cheering for you!

Q and A

noreply@blogger.com (Hallie Addington) — Thu, 24 May 2012 01:33:00 +0000

Yesterday, I wrote about a great new book called Use Your Words: A Writing Guide for Mothers by Kate Hopper.

I feel very strongly that anyone can write. And that we ALL have stories worth telling. We all have stories that need to be told.

I really want to encourage you to write. It doesn't matter if it's a blog or a book or an email or a journal entry that no one but you sees. I find writing to be very cathartic. You might, too.

When I started this blog, it was aimed at family and friends. I couldn't keep up with the "How are you doing?". I could not explain about Type 1 one more time. So I created a blog in hopes that I could write it once and people could just read it. Because I wanted them to know. I wanted to tell them. But I was just soooo.... tired. Overwhelmed. Emotional.

I never thought anyone else would read it.

It still shocks me to see comments from you, dear readers! I love hearing your stories! And I always try to write back - sometimes it just takes me awhile! (As soon as school is out, I'm hitting the inbox!) Your words make me cry and laugh and truly touch my heart.

I never imagined anyone would find solace in my words. I'm glad that you do. It helps ME to tell our story. The REAL story. The TRUTH about raising a child with T1. Or at least, MY truth. So I am thrilled that it helps you, too!

I think that Kate understands this... hence the books she has written!

I wanted to share with you a Q and A with Kate so you can learn a little more about her, this book, and writing in general. She touches on some key things... writing the "hard stuff" (which is very much what we D bloggers do!), finding a balance, and your child's privacy.

1) What inspired you to write this book?

This book began with a writing class that I started teaching in 2006 for women interested in writing
about their experiences as mothers. I wanted to create a safe place where motherhood literature
would be critiqued, nurtured, and viewed as art. And over the last six years of teaching this class I
have read so many amazing memoirs and essays. When women write the truth of their mothering
experiences, it can be life-changing, not only for themselves, but for their readers. I wanted to
extend the reach of my classes through Use Your Words.

2) What do you hope readers will take away from this book?

I hope that readers will begin this book with an interest in writing, and finish it having discovered
the power of writing their lives and dedicated to continuing the important work of writing about
motherhood. I hope they will see the varied ways one can write about their children and the
transformations inherent in motherhood, and have a better sense of how to craft the stories that nag
at them, that beg to be written.

3) What are some of the things you’ve learned through teaching mother writers over the
years? How have their stories changed your mothering?

I’m honored that I’ve have been let into my students’ lives through their writing. To be able to walk
in someone else’s shoes, whether it’s for a moment or an hour or a few days, is an incredible gift.
I’m grateful to have been able to learn from my students as well. So many of them deal with
parenting challenges with such incredible grace, and I’m honored to call them my role-models I think reading and listening to the heartbreaking stories has also made me a more grateful mother
and person. Their stories live with me—I can’t forget them—which makes me grateful for my two
healthy daughters.
4) In your book you talk about writing the hard stuff and discuss how writing can be
therapeutic and still be art. How have you seen this therapeutic process work with your
students?

I believe that you can experience a transformation—a therapeutic transformation—in the writing
process and still end up with art. A number of my students have lost children or have been through
incredible challenges with their children, yet they come to my class and create gorgeous writing.
These students have described how the process of writing helped them come to terms with their
heartbreak or accept it in a different way.

5) How has motherhood affected your writing?

I really believe that motherhood made me a writer. Before I became a mother I wasted so much
time waiting for inspiration and generally procrastinating. But when Stella was born prematurely and
I had to withdraw from graduate school and stay home with her for a very long and lonely winter, I
became desperate for words. When Stella was five months old, I went to the coffee shop by our
house one evening and pulled out paper and a pen. But instead of returning to the half-finished
pieces I had been writing before Stella’s birth, I started to write about the single most life-changing
experience of my life: becoming a mother.
Now, there is no time to procrastinate or wait for inspiration. If I have an hour, I write for an hour.
So motherhood definitely has made me a more efficient and more dedicated writer.
But writing also makes me a better mother. When there is dedicated time each week for me to be
creative, I know I’m more patient. It feeds me in a different way than mothering. Writing also helps
slow me down, notice the details that we so often take for granted. I have two small children, so
things are changing really fast, and writing about some of what is happening in my life allows me to
gain perspective, to figure out what I think about where I’m at right now.

6) How do you balance motherhood and writing?

It’s a balancing act for sure. My writing time is very limited, and my children are small and need lots
of attention, as children do. We recently added a dog to the mix, as well, and she has gobbled up
some of my morning writing time. For me it’s not so much motherhood that keeps me from writing;
it’s full-time work. I used to have at least a few hours a week when I could go to the coffee shop and
work on my own writing before I moved on to teaching prep. Now I’m lucky to get an hour a week.
So I’m trying to practice what I tell my students: be patient and flexible. I know I’ll figure out a
schedule that works before too long!

7) Why does writing about motherhood and women’s lives matter?

Motherhood is part of the human experience, so how can it not matter? I think motherhood as a
subject lends itself to memoir. It is a time of transition and sometimes a period of intense identity
struggle: Who am I if I spend all day shirtless, trying to nurse a colicky baby? What happened to my
former life, my former self? How do I balance my own needs with those of my family?
I am drawn to all kinds of motherhood memoirs because I am interested in the different ways that
women process the challenges and joys of motherhood, and how they write about life in general
through their mother eyes. I love what Debra Gwartney, author of Live Through This: A Mother’s
Memoir of Runaway Daughters and Reclaimed Love, says about motherhood memoir: “A well-written
book [about motherhood] is going to say something profound about the human condition, and we
need to hear the voices of women who can express the plight we’re all in as humans.” I couldn’t
agree more.

8) What would you tell mothers who are interested in beginning to write? Where should
they begin?

Begin with a detail. Don’t worry about what the real story or how long a piece is going to be. Just
focus in on a time in your child’s life or in your life as a mother that you don’t want to forget. Make
a list of sensory details from that time, then pick one detail and write for 10-15 minutes. Then pick
another. Figure out a realistic time for you to write each week, and try to keep that time sacred.
Leave the house if you can, so you’re not distracted by all the things that need attention at home.
And communicate with your family members about why it’s important that you have that time to
write so they can help you stick to your schedule.

9) You encourage mothers to write about their lives and their children’s lives, but in one of
the final chapters, you discuss the ethics of writing about your children. How do you
reconcile these two things: the need to write with the need to protect your children’s
privacy?

It’s a very tricky issue to write about one’s children, and I think your decision changes as your
children grow and become their own independent people. In the book I quote Annie Dillard, who
said that as a writer you never want to kick around “people who don’t have access to a printing
press.” This is true when we write about anyone, but it’s especially true when we are writing about
our children, who have no control over what we say about them. They depend on us to protect
them.
Talking openly about your writing and why it’s important to you helps your children (and everyone
else) understand how critical it is for you to be able to express yourself through words. But I do
think that at some point our children’s stories are not ours to tell.

(** I agree with this! Right now, this is my story to tell. It's OUR story. But one day it will be HER story. And this blog will be forced to change as she grows and gain independence.)

10) You discuss the need to make writing a priority in your life. How did you do this in your
own life? What advice would you give to other mother writers who are struggling with
this?

One of the things I suggested in the book is to figure out when and how writing can fit into your
life, and then make sure your family understands why it’s important for you to write. I think it’s hard
for women—especially mothers—to carve out the time we need to ourselves, whether it’s time to go
for a run, meet a friend at the coffee shop, or write. But I know I am a much happier and more
grounded Kate when I have had time during the week to put words on the page I’m in a place right now where I am not generating much new material. But I’m still doing the work
of a writer as I launch and promote this book, so I’m okay with that right now. But I know that
soon I’ll have to figure out a way to eek out an extra hour or two a week to continue with my new
writing project.

11) What are you working on now?

The memoir I wrote about my older daughter’s premature birth is being circulated among interested
editors, so that narrative is still percolating in my mind, but I also started a novel last fall. It’s almost
silly to say that because the writing is going so slowly. I began working full time on top of teaching
and family, so I have very little writing time right now. But it seems that the important thing isn’t
how many pages I crank out each week but rather the fact that I am producing something—
anything. The main character is there, in the back of my mind. She pops in to say hello now and
again, or I see something as I’m moving through my day, and I think, oh, she would think this or
that if she were here. That’s enough to keep me going.

Use Your Words!!

noreply@blogger.com (Hallie Addington) — Mon, 21 May 2012 22:11:00 +0000

Today I have the privilege of sharing with you a wonderful new book about something that is very near and dear to my heart.

This book is NOT about diabetes.

It's about writing.

I've always enjoyed writing creatively. But after college writing classes, I just stopped. I was busy. A new job. A new life. Getting married. Having a child.

And then my beautiful little girl was diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes.

And suddenly I just started writing.

It was almost like there were too many emotions inside me and they just tumbled out in the form of words.

So when I was asked to be a part of the Virtual Book Tour for Use Your Words: A Writing Guide for Mothers by Kate Hopper I just could NOT pass up the opportunity.

Kate Hopper teaches writing online and at The Loft Literary Center in Minneapolis, where she lives with her husband and two daughters. Kate holds an MFA in creative writing from the University of Minnesota and has been the recipient of a Fulbright Scholarship, a Minnesota State Arts Board Grant, and a Sustainable Arts Grant. Her writing has appeared in a number of journals, including Brevity, Literary Mama, and The New York Times online. She is an editor at Literary Mama.

Kate says, "I write about motherhood: the dark side, the humorous side, the places where these two intersect. I love finding good writing that combats the myths of motherhood still perpetuated in our society and speaks honestly about what it’s really like to be a mother." Kate has also written a memoir called Small Continents, which is about learning to live with uncertainty in the wake of her daughter’s premature birth.

Folks, I want to tell you something.

After Sweet's diagnosis, writing SAVED me. And it continues to save me almost daily.

I was so... sad, mad, overwhelmed, frustrated... You know all the emotions right after dx. But no one really understood. My friends tried... but it's not the same. And my husband was dealing with it all, too.

Being able to go to the computer and just WRITE truly saved my sanity.

And then... I found YOU. All of you out there who GET ME. Who GET IT. And it was just what I needed.

You know what else? When something happens - bad or good - one of the first things I think about is telling all of you. We are all connected in a way that is hard to explain. My story is yours and yours is mine.

And our stories need to be told.

Our stories need to be heard.

And that is why I LOVE this book!

Kate gives easy to follow, step by step instructions for how to begin writing. Even if you think it sounds like a daunting task, Kate shows you what to do in a way that makes you know that you CAN do this!

I'm not a professional writer. I'm a Mom who pours her heart out through the computer.

And you can be, too.

Here's your chance:

To WIN A COPY OF THIS BOOK (and more!)....

Below is a prompt from Kate. Use it to write about your child in 600 words or less. Your piece is due to me at theprincessandthepump@gmail.com by midnight on May 28. The winner from The Princess and The Pump will win her very own copy of Use Your Words AND have her post featured on this blog!
THEN, The winner goes on to compete with all the book tour entries to be judged by Kate herself for a chance to win an hour long phone consultation with Kate and to be published in the online magazine; Literary Mama.

Pretty cool, huh?

Here's your prompt:

Sensory Details as a Way to Begin

Think about the time when your child (or one of your children) was born, when she first arrived home, or even before she was born. If you adopted your child, maybe you want to focus on the first time you saw her photo. Is there a certain smell, sound, taste, texture, or picture that comes to mind? Start with that. Write it down. What other concrete details do you remember? Let your mind wander. Jump from image to image. Try to use as many sensory, concrete details as you can. Don’t pick up your pen—just keep moving it across the paper—and don’t worry about grammar or spelling.
If those early days and months feel too far removed, choose another period in your child’s life that seemed particularly vivid to you, and begin writing details from that time.

Ok, now I'm going to tweak that a little! Instead of writing about when your child was BORN - write about when your child was diagnosed. After all, this IS a diabetes blog!!

Now... get writing!

And stay tuned... I will share with you a Q and A with Kate tomorrow! Since I tend to write mostly about the hard stuff - I really enjoyed her chapter in the book called, Writing The Hard Stuff! Come back to hear what she has to say about that!

Snapshots of a Hero

noreply@blogger.com (Hallie Addington) — Mon, 21 May 2012 01:24:00 +0000

Diabetes Blog Week: Day 6 AND 7

Well, I seem to have fallen behind. What with the sick kid and life in general... that seems to be a common theme around here lately! But you know what? I'm not sorry. It means that I've been out LIVING life with my family. With diabetes in tow. And isn't that what it's really about?

So I decided to combine day 6 and 7. I'm going to show you some snapshots of my diabetes hero.

She's 6 years old.

She's been living with diabetes for over 3 years.

We are weeks away from the point where she will have lived WITH diabetes longer than she has lived without it.

At six.

That breaks my heart.

But she's tough. She's a fighter. She never complains about not feeling well. Nothing much keeps her down.

She doesn't remember what it's like to live without diabetes. So she just lives WITH it and lives life to the fullest.

Yes, she wishes she didn't have it. So do I. I wish it was me. Maybe more than I wish for a cure, I wish it was me. I wish it had been me and not her.

But that little girl is showing us all what it means to be strong and tough. What it means to just keep swimming. That with faith, all things are possible.

It's a part of her life in a way I will never fully comprehend.

One day I will turn it over to her. I will have to tell her that I did the best I could. I made decisions based on what I hoped would best for her. That I've given her the skills she needs - and now it's her turn. It's her life.

That scares me.

And I dread that day - or more accurately time because I'm sure it will be a process. Not because I don't think she can handle it. But because I don't want her to have to handle it.

I know what it takes to manage diabetes. From the outside, yes.

It's hard. And that could be the understatement of the year.

I wish she could just live her life without that disease constantly demanding attention. I wish I could just handle it for her forever.

But she is my hero because I know, without a doubt, even at six years old... that she's got this.

She's going to be fine.

Sure, she may rebel a little. She may go through times when she just OVER it. Who doesn't?

But I know that she is going to make it through. Diabetes won't hold her back.

It didn't at three.
It didn't at four.
It didn't at five.
It isn't at six.

And it won't at 26.
or 36.
or 46.
or 56.
or 106.

This little girl is crazy incredible folks. She's funny and smart and independent. She's stubborn and determined. She's athletic and creative and a total goofball. She's ham. She kind and caring. She's resilient. She's tough as nails. Don't that sweet face fool you! She's strong and courageous. She's incredible.

She's my hero.

And I am so lucky to be her Mama.

A Techno Dream: Diabetes Blog Week Day 4

noreply@blogger.com (Hallie Addington) — Thu, 17 May 2012 23:04:00 +0000

Today's post is going to be short and sweet.

Sweets went home from school throwing up yesterday. I HATED that I could not go with her. But I'm out of days. So Mimi and Gaga came to the rescue and Daddy rushed home. A trip to the doctor revealed that she has strep.

Yes, she is sick again. (I KNOW, right?!?)

Large ketones, vomiting, fever, and a lowish bg. A perfect Molotov cocktail of diabetes management.

Daddy and the Grandparents rocked it, though. (I'm such a lucky girl!) By the time I got home from school she was resting on the couch (where she stayed all evening... this is how I know she's really sick!). Daddy had scored some Zofran at the doctor which had calmed her tummy so at least the meds were able to stay down.

Anyway, she's doing better today. Mommy is tired. What else is new.

So today I'm supposed to write about my dream diabetes device.

Hmmmm....

I'm having a creative block! Most of what I can think of immediately already exists!! Which makes me feel super grateful for living in the time that we do!

I want a pump that is super small and super slim.
I want a pump that you don't feel when you insert it.
I want it to be connected to a cgm.
And I don't want two sites. Just one.
I want the cgm to predict highs and lows and alert accordingly.
I want it to be accurate.
I want the cgm to talk to the pump and take me out of the equation. I want the cgm to say, "Oh Mr. Pump... give us some insulin! She's eating!" And "Hey - Pump! Turn it off. She's gonna be low if you keep cranking out the drugs."
I want a meter that uses a tiny drop of blood.
I want a meter that never errors.
I want the meter to send me the blood sugar numbers so I know what is going on.
And while we're at it, let's just have the pump send me the insulin amounts and cgm readings too. Maybe it could be an app where I can get real time view of what is going on in her body.
I want the meter to talk to the pump and cgm.
Actually.... who needs a meter? Let's just get the pump and cgm so accurate you don't need a meter.
I want a device that will keep her at a nice 100 steady all night long. And let me sleep. And let her sleep, too.

You know what I really want?

I really want a magic wand.

One flick of that wand would magically make her pancreas start working again. Like it's supposed to. All the time.

A wand that would leave us with the lessons we've learned and all the incredible people we've met... leave us with all the good....

But would just CURE HER.

Here's the thing.

I love technology. I love gadgets. LOVE.

I love all the cool stuff that is out and coming out to help us manage diabetes and keep ourselves and our loved ones safe and healthy. I am thankful for every last one of them!

But I don't want another gadget.

I want a cure.

Yes and No: Diabetes Blog Week Day 3

noreply@blogger.com (Hallie Addington) — Thu, 17 May 2012 03:00:00 +0000

Today's Diabetes Blog Week prompt is to write about something that you could improve or do better concerning diabetes.

I'd have to say that I need to get better at saying YES. And at saying NO.

I need to learn how to say YES when someone asks if there is anything they can do to help.

I am horrible at accepting help.

My immediate response is to answer "Oh, No. That's ok. I've got this."

And I really do mostly have it under control. But having a little help from other sure would make life a little easier.

I feel guilty accepting help.

I always feel like I'm putting the other person out, that there are many people more needy than I, that it's my responsibility, that I don't want to burden any one else....

I hate asking for help. I just won't.

And I really struggle with asking people to do things to accommodate my T1 child.

I hate having to say, "Can you just take a look at Dex every now and then and see what she is?" or "She needs to go to the clinic 10 minutes before lunch to get her bg tested and get insulin." I do it - because it's a matter of safety for my child. But it makes me uncomfortable.

I read an article not too long ago about parents of special needs children. And how the best thing someone can do is to NOT ASK what they can do... but just do. Because we so often will say we are fine and we have it all together --- when we really do not!

I know I have to remind myself that people LIKE to help out. And saying YES actually makes them feel good! So I need to do that more often.

I also need to work on saying NO.

I overextend. I do too much. I'm a perfectionist. I get involved in way too much. I have too much going on. I never slow down.

Truth be told - I should have said NO to D Blog Week! Because it's the end of the school year and there are a million things going on that need my attention. And now Sweets is sick and throwing up and has ketones and I have no sick days left and on and on and on.

I LIKE to do. I LIKE to help. I LIKE to be a part of things.

But I have totally burned myself out.

I've taken a step back from having a leadership role in our local JDRF chapter. I'm still a board member - but I'm not really in charge of anything anymore. It KILLED me to say NO. But I had to. I need time for me and my family apart from diabetes.

That's the same reason I have not been blogging as much. Sometimes I just have to let it go until tomorrow instead of staying up all night to get stuff done.

I'm cutting myself some slack here. My world DID get totally turned upside down and I'm finally working on creating some much needed balance there. It's time. I'm doing it. It just takes a while to figure out the perfect balance.

And part of that is saying NO.

It fits doesn't it? The perfect polar opposites. I need to say YES and I need to say NO. At the same time.

Sounds about right when you're talking diabetes!

Where I Shine: Day 2 #DBlogWeek

noreply@blogger.com (Hallie Addington) — Wed, 16 May 2012 01:02:00 +0000

Today is Day 2 of Diabetes Blog Week 2012. Today's topic is to blog about something that you do well.

Hmmm.... That's a tough one! These prompts are really stumping me!

I feel like there is room for improvement in all areas of our diabetes routine. I'd like to get better at tweaking. I'd like to say that my SWAGing is spot on at all times. I wish I could say that I had a handle on the trends and the reasons behind them. I'd like to say that I have exercise figured out. How much to give to treat various lows.

But I can't say that. I don't have it down pat. I don't. Everything changes so quickly for her. I tweak and it works for a day or so and then it changes. What works for lows for a few weeks stops working. Sometimes my SWAGing sucks.

But do you know what I'm REALLY good at?

I'm really good at pretending it doesn't bother me. I'm really good at making it all look easy.

Most people that I know and work with have no idea what my life is like.

I mean, if they read the blog or if they listened when I get on my soapbox every year during fundraising... But even if they DO listen - they don't get it. They don't know. They don't see it.

I come into work each morning dressed (usually) professionally. Sweets is with me and she is all matchy matchy and complete with coordinating hair bows - half of which I make myself. No one can tell that I've been up all night chasing lows or treating highs. They can't tell that I was counting carbs in the car and bolusing while driving.

They see a happy little girl. A healthy little girl. A little girl full of laughter and smiles.

They don't see the tears she cries when it's time to change her Dex sensor. They see me having to hold her down when she needs an arm draw for blood work. They don't see the spots on her fingertips or the bruises all over her body from needles.

They don't see the angry little girl that I see when her blood sugar is too high. They don't see the blank stare I get when she's low. The look that tells me that she's not really there.

They see a little athlete. They see a swimmer and a gymnast and tennis player.

I see a little one who might be going low but because she does not want to wear her Dexcom and answer questions about what it is... and because she can't feel her lows... They don't see that I'm not just casually observing. They don't see that I'm watching every move. Looking for her to off balance. To fall. To need me.

They see a child eating what everyone else is eating.

They don't see me counting carbs in my head. They don't see my factoring in her activity level, future activity level, past activity level, illness, stress, and excitement. They don't see me counting out individual goldfish crackers. Or grapes. Or m&m's.

They might see her pod or her Dexcom. They don't see the needles. They don't see the supply cabinet that is taller than I am. They don't see the blood. They don't see the gushers and ruined towels or clothing from sites that won't stop bleeding. They don't see the little blood drops from sloppy night time checks. They don't see the bill and just how much it all costs to keep your child alive.

They see what looks like an ordinary family.

They don't see everything that goes through the head of a D parent. All the factors to consider... the current basal rates, carb ratio, the way certain food affects the child or how combinations affect blood sugar, activity level, excitement, hormones, illness, stress, weather, when we need to order supplies, if we have enough supplies to make to the end of the month, what the trending arrows show, what happened in this situation yesterday or last week, what this number is doing to his or her body, how many carbs are needed to treat a low and what kind works best for that particular situation, is the glucagon good or has it expired, what will I do if he or she doesn't come up - or come down, are there ketones, how much, is the site good, is the cannula kinked.... I could go on!

No one sees that.

And I think I do a good job acting "normal". I think I do a good job handling it so that no one really knows what it's like.

And I think I do a good job pretending like it doesn't bother me.

I appear calm. Cool. Collected.

Apple juice and cake? Pizza and ice cream? Sure, no problem...
Handfuls of treats being eaten by other kids? Easy peasy...
Invitations to sleepovers... Great!
Watching friends go on date nights or weekends away? Oh! Good for you!
Your kid is hungry and just eats? How nice....
You get to sleep through the night? Lucky you!
Oh, your kid woke you up because of the storm?? Gee, that's too bad.
Your little one has a cold? Is throwing up? How terrible.

See? I got it down.

What they don't see is that in the back of my head, I'm sitting here writing this post!!! And that I really want to scream that
At least a stomach bug doesn't land you in the ER!
At least you don't wake up every single night to check blood sugar!
Do you know how nice it would be to count every single carb she eats??
Or how I wish I could just get a sitter? Or let her spend the night with a friend?
Do you have any idea what that food is going to do to her blood sugar???

This is where I let it out. This is where I vent.

The rest of the world doesn't know.

Because I put on the mask and say it's ok.
Because maybe if I say it enough times I'll start believing it myself.

Because I owe it to my daughter to give her the best, more unrestricted, most normal life possible.
And I'll do whatever it takes to achieve that for her.

Find a Friend... Diabetes Blog Week

noreply@blogger.com (Hallie Addington) — Tue, 15 May 2012 00:41:00 +0000

Today is the first day of Diabetes Blog Week 2012!

Diabetes Blog Week was the brain child of Karen over at Bittersweet! To get to know Karen or to find out more about D Blog Week, click HERE!

Today's topic is "Find a Friend". I'm supposed to introduce you to a diabetes blogger than you might not know.

Wow. That is a HARD task!

So, I'm taking the easy way out! I simply can not pick just ONE blog that I want to share with you! I have decided to go a different direction instead.

I want to introduce you to Pinterest!

Have you tried Pinterest?? If not, you MUST. I am addicted to Pinterest. I LOVE it!

Now, you may be thinking that Pinterest does not have much to do with diabetes. But that's where you would be wrong!

There are a million different diabetes pins on Pinterest. You can find recipes, management tools, advice, inspiration, humor, advocacy... the list is endless!

Here are a few of my favorites!

Awesome pic... we all know what leaves those marks.

This is a chart and link to different types of insulin.

Yup - totally understood!

This linked to a list of carb counts for different kinds of fruit.

Awesome video by Joann - to make me laugh when I need it.

Really feeling this one right now...

This is my new favorite because it just really sums up how I am feeling about life right now!

To actually be able to see where these awesome pics lead.... you'll have to go to my Diabetes Board on Pinterest and click the pics. To get there, click HERE.

So, go on over and check it out! It's really easy! You can ask for a invitation and you'll get one in your email within a day. Then you'll be pinning away before you know it!

Happy Mother's Day

noreply@blogger.com (Hallie Addington) — Sun, 13 May 2012 17:00:00 +0000

Happy Mother's Day!

Mother's Day is a special day for ALL moms.

But I will go out on a limb and say that for Moms of kids with Type 1 Diabetes it's special in a different way.

Every mother loves her children. D Mamas love their children with a fierce passion that I can only guess comes from staring disease and difficulty and stress and fear in the face every single day and saying, "No. You can not have my baby. I won't let you."

As mother's of T1 kids, we do things other mothers do not.

We watch our children like hawks for any sign of low blood sugar.

We closely monitor their food intake - counting carbs along the way.

We live in a constant state of balancing fear and worry with the desire for them to be normal kids.

We stay awake through the night to make sure that our babies make it to morning with a good number.

We sacrifice our wants and our needs for them. Yes, all mothers do this. But D Mamas do this to ensure our kids have the same opportunities as others. We do this ensure they have the best medical care. And do what we have to do to make sure they have the medical supplies they need to stay alive and healthy.

We see their blood every. single. day.

We give them shots. We insert needles into their bodies.

You see... it's just different.

I did this little questionnaire with my school kids to give to their Moms for Mother's Day. Their answers were really cute and I hope their Mothers enjoyed them! I also did one with Sweets.

Here are her answers...

So, to all the Mothers out there who show your love for your children in a million different ways... one of those being taking care of their diabetes...

Happy Mother's Day!

Check out this awesome video by D Mama Lorraine for a laugh and to feel VERY understood!

And check out this awesome blog by D Mama Meri for a cry (ok, I cried... you might not) and to ALSO feel very understood!

The Diaversary Celebration: Year 3 Style

noreply@blogger.com (Hallie Addington) — Tue, 08 May 2012 04:30:00 +0000

Ever since year one, we have believed in celebrating Sweetpea’s Diaversary.

To me, it’s a great opportunity to celebrate her for being tough and strong and putting up with all the crap that diabetes throws our way. It’s a day to celebrate LIFE.

I also think it’s a great way to help make diabetes – or at least PARTS of diabetes – a little fun.

I don’t want her to think of it as all doom and gloom and yuck and ouch. I’d like her to look at is as something that is often not so great… but has it’s good points, too! Basically, I’m adding to the silver lining any way I can!

The first year we had a big party! We invited a bunch of her friends and went to a local place that is a lot like Chuck E Cheese. The kids had a blast and it was a great memory!

The second year we had made plans to go with some friends to a bounce house place and have cupcakes and play. That didn’t happen as we were in the hospital that day. Boo!

This year we decided that J and I would take the day off and we just do fun things! We went out to breakfast with my parents. We went to see the movie Chimpanzee. And then we partied!

We had a little party at our house. We invited Sweetpea’s closest friends over to just play and hang out and eat cake!

Cake is an integral part of our celebrating! Sweets loves cake (she gets it honest!). And I love that it’s also a fun way to snub our noses at D.

Yes, she CAN eat that! And she will! All because of YOU, diabetes!!! (Insert evil laugh here)

Of course, I also go to do a little educating this year when I told the girl at our favorite cake place what we wanted on the cake!

“We’d like it say “Happy Diabetes Day” in blue.”

“Ooookaaaaay….”

“Well, I know that seems odd. But 3 years ago today she was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes. And so today we are celebrating her bravery. She can eat anything she wants as long as she takes insulin for it!”

“Oh. Cool!”

This is the bow she wore... If you haven't guessed - we LOVE our hairbows! What a great way to advocate! And look stylish doing it!!

Sweets was SUPER EXCITED!

“It’s MY DAY” she kept saying.

As if every day isn’t really her day…. But whatever! It made her feel special. And she deserved it!

Celebrating a dx day is not for everyone. And that’s ok!

But for us… it works.

It’s a silver lining – coated in buttercream frosting!

So tell me… What do YOU do on your dx day???

Click HERE to read the post about our FIRST Diaversary and HERE to read about our second Diaversary.

Random Thoughts

noreply@blogger.com (Hallie Addington) — Mon, 07 May 2012 04:39:00 +0000

I'm finding lately that I don't always have time to write a full blog.

Often, I'm choosing between blogging and exercising. And well... One is good for my body and the other is good for my soul.

So- I decided to just go ahead and write mini blogs. Just random thoughts I have that if I had time I would delve deeper into. Thoughts that would turn into blogs.

It's 12:22 am according to the clock on my iPhone.

I'm in Sweetpea's room.

She's sleeping. I'm not.

I just decided it was time for a Dex change.

We had restarted it tonight but then she got in the tub. Note to future self: Dex does NOT like to get while it's restarting.

Anyway, I just decided to pull it.

I just did the change by phone light. No cream. She felt it. But she didn't fully wake up.

As I was gathering my supplies, this thought went through my head... I wonder what it's like to just go to bed? To just put your kid to bed and give them a kiss and see them in the morning? I wonder what it's like to not worry about what's going on in their bodies all night long?

When she was a baby, I'd wonder if she would sleep through the night. This is NOT like that. Not at all. And people should stop comparing the two. Diabetes is only like having a newborn in the sense that it's probably the only thing even slightly relatable to most people.

Having a newborn was cake compared to this. Having a child who sometimes woke during the night? That's like comparing apples and... Sunflowers. Or motorcycles. Or rain.

Anyway, I look out my window at my neighbors darkened houses. And know their children are sleeping inside. Safe in their beds. The parents are probably asleep, too. No one else is pricking fingers or inserting needles or waiting for it to be safe to fall asleep.

It's lonely at night.

She's going up. But I'm afraid to correct too aggressively without Dex helping me. Sometimes it scares me how much I rely on that little sucker.

Ok- if I don't at least grab a quick nap before I have to enter start up numbers then tomorrow is going to be seriously unfun.

Hoping all of you are having nice, steady nights. Wishing you peaceful sleep.

And so glad that while the windows on my street are dark- I know I'm not alone.

Because you are out there. Lighting your own lights. And burning brightly in the night.

Podding: It's a Family Affair

noreply@blogger.com (Hallie Addington) — Wed, 02 May 2012 13:53:00 +0000

Waaaaayyyyyy back last fall I was cleaning out our diabetes closet and I ran across an old demo pod that we had never used.

And I wondered... "What would Sweets think if I were to wear one?"

So I asked her. And she thought that ME wearing a pod was the COOLEST thing ever.

So, in honor of World Diabetes Day, I slapped on a pod! And I wore it for a week or so. J also joined in the fun. We found an old pod that still had the adhesive on it (It must have been one that didn't work... It's rare for us to get a dud. In almost a year, we have only had a few.) and he put it on and wore it, too!

I put mine on my backside - lower hip region. J put his on his stomach. Sweets spent the week lifting our shirts to see our pods... and smiling! She grinned like a Chesire Cat all week long! She told our family and friends and probably a random stranger or two that "Mom and Dad are wearing pods! Just like me!"
She also thought it was pretty funny when J went to take his off... and it hurt! His had adhered to some hair... that was pretty painful!

I have to say... I thought it was pretty cool! The pod was not heavy. And most of the time I forgot it was there. I showered with it on. I slept with it on. I was pleased with how comfortable it was.

But it did make itself known from time to time. If I wasn't aware when I was getting dressed and undressed ... or using the bathroom...my clothes would hook on it and pull. And there was one occasion where it made a noticeable bump under my clothing... J kept getting his caught under his desk at work! If he really had to wear one... it would have a learning experience on placement!

Of course, wearing it for a week is different than wearing it always. But I was glad to be able to do it to show some solidarity and make Sweets smile!

It just so happened that I was talking with our rep at a vendor fair and I was able to snag another demo pod - just in time for her diaversary! So, in honor of her day, I wore another pod.

This time, Sweets wanted to put it on me. She picked the right place and stuck it on. (After poking around and making me feel so great by saying, "Hmmm.... I think YOU have enough fat that YOU could wear it on your belly. See??" poke, poke, poke....) But the best part was the other night. We had just gotten home and we were all in the kitchen unloading our crap. And we heard "screaming".

A screaming pod... GREAT.

But we couldn't figure out where it was coming from!

It sounds a lot like the alarm on our fridge if we leave it open. But it wasn't that.

We stick our ears next to Sweets rump and it wasn't her. (Big sigh of relief!)

It didn't seem to be coming from the box of used ones we keep for art projects.

It was ME! MY pod was screaming! Sweets LOVED that! And she proceeded to rip that little sucker off of me and throw it in the freezer!

I don't have any pictures to share.... I am most certainly NOT putting a picture of MY rear on the internet! You'll just have to take my word for it!

Wearing pods was a fun little thing to do ... And I'd do it again anytime!

Of course, I'd do anything to make this journey a little easier for her. I'd wear a pod all the time if it would help her feel better about life with diabetes. Heck, I'd even post my own pod pics if it meant finding the cure! (Which it won't - so don't even try... And trust me.... You don't want to see it anyway!)

Me at Three

noreply@blogger.com (Hallie Addington) — Mon, 30 Apr 2012 04:00:00 +0000

April 27, 2009

Three years ago on Friday.

Sweetpea was diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes.

Although I am not a numbers person by nature, Diabetes has forced me to live by digits. And when I think about the past three years, I can't help but think - at least in part - in terms of numbers.

Three years

1,095 days

13,000 finger sticks - give or take

1,000 injections... or more

over 300 site changes

over 100 Dexie changes

over 15 trips to Children's for appointments

5 or so arm draws

3 trips to the ER (one in an ambulance)

2 hospital admissions

1 little girl who does not know what it's like to not be attached to medical devices, who doesn't know what it's like to just eat, who has to answer questions about what she's doing or what she's wearing and why, who feels different from the other kids...

1 little girl who's life changed forever

But the numbers don't tell the whole story.

I think that's why I'm NOT a numbers person. I'm an emotions person. And numbers alone just can't tell the full story.

Three years ago, I could not have imagined what our life would be like today.

Although we have our rough days, most days diabetes is just a part of who we are as a family.

It's kind of like having a dog.

You just feed the dog. You walk the dog. You pick up the dog's poo. You take it to the vet and the groomer. You plan for it when you go on vacation. It just becomes part of who you are as a family... and you just do it... often without thinking too much about it.

Some parts (think poo) you don't really like. But you have to do it. So you do.

Non dog people might look at you and say things like, "I could NEVER walk a dog in the RAIN or SNOW!" Or "I could NEVER pick up poop! That is SO GROSS!".

But you just do what you have to do.

Ok, so you probably love your dog. And you probably CHOSE to get a dog. And we most certainly can not say that we LOVE diabetes. Nor did we chose this. So... it's only sort of like having a dog. But you get the idea...

It's gotten easier. It has. I hope you newbies out there find hope in that.

Every day is not a cake walk. It's still hard a times. Ok, it's hard a lot of the time. But in a weird way it IS easier. I think that is why I love this sign I found on Pinterest...

Truth.

Three years in... and I can't say it's easy watching your child cry over injections, or site changes, or blood draws. It isn't easy comforting them when Diabetes has messed up their plans. Or made them feel different. Or made them feel sick. It isn't easy watching what diabetes does to their bodies and feeling totally helpless to stop it.

It still sucks.

But YOU get better. In more ways than you can imagine on that first day or in that first month or even in that first year.

It will... but don't fear...

And so is your child. Your child will amaze you at his or her strength and courage and just plain awesomeness.

And that's kind of how I feel. Strong.

On our first "diaversary", I felt relieved. We had made it a year! It felt HUGE. And it was...

But life with diabetes just kept going...

On our second "diaversary", well... we were inpatient at Children's hospital. You can read about that here. And we learned first hand that things happen... a series of events and you find yourself and your child being whisked away by ambulance.

So on our third "diaversary"... I feel strong.

I'm not naive enough to think that bad things can't and won't happen to us. I know too much now.

But I also know that we CAN do this. We ARE doing this. And we're doing it WELL.

We are not perfect. But we are trying our best.

Yeah, Diabetes gets me down from time to time. It still makes me mad and sad and frustrated more often that I'd really like to admit.

But it also has brought so much into our lives through the friends we have made both online and off... through the closeness we have as a family, through the strength we have learned we have, and through the ability to see joy and see beauty in the small things... and to be able to focus on that in the midst of chaos.

This is me at year three.

Ostrich Pose

noreply@blogger.com (Hallie Addington) — Tue, 24 Apr 2012 04:00:00 +0000

I've been pretending to be an ostrich.

You know... sticking my head in the sand and pretending that I can't hear or see what's going on.

Specifically, diabetes.

As I've mentioned before I'm a little burned out on D.

We all go through phases in the crazy life... and this is where I am at right now.

I've got my head in the sand and, quite frankly, I like it there!

Maybe it has to do with the never ending tedium that life with diabetes brings. One bg test blends into another and another... I bolus and five minutes later forget the amount I've given her before the meal. The numbers are all running together. Site change day pops up before I can blink.

It's this constant ride on the Merry-Go-Round and I've been feeling a bit nauseous.

Maybe it's had to do with our recent visit to the endocrinologist.

I usually LIKE going to see our endo. She is so nice and kind and so helpful. But I was seriously dreading this last one.

Three months ago, her A1c was not where I wanted it to be. And I was very frustrated because it was also NOT what our meter was saying her average was. Getting that A1c felt like a kick in the stomach. After all of our hard work.... all the tweaking, all the monitoring, all the testing... For what felt like nothing.

Now, our endo thought it was a good A1c and she was happy. But not me. Nope. I wanted better. I KNEW it could have been, should have been better.

So last week.... I was nervous. Would we see the change that we expected???

And it wasn't just that. Sweetpea has had high cholesterol since her diagnosis. At first, it was attributed to her huge consumption of cheese - her favorite "free" food to eat while she was on shots. But it didn't come down. So test and after test... no change.

We met with the dietitian. She had no recommendations for diet change. She thought Sweets was eating a very healthy and balanced diet. Her only suggestion was to try plant sterols... found in some butter, orange juice and other items. Only problem there is that she doesn't eat butter. We don't serve OJ because it SPIKES her bg. And she wouldn't eat any of the other foods - IF we could even find them!

After her test 6 months ago, our endo said that if it was still high she was going to refer us to cardiology.

Now, I know this is not a big deal. But my heart just sank. Really? Cardiology and Lipid Clinic for my SIX year old?!? While I'm thankful that they keep such a close eye on her, the thought of adding another specialist to the list just was not appealing.

So I worried. And stewed. And I stressed.

I looked like this...

But, thankfully, the results came back and her A1c was down .6 and her cholesterol was FINALLY in normal range! WOOT!!!! Now, to be honest, I have no idea how... we did no changes to her diet. And we did nothing different bg wise either. But I'll take it!

In fact, I had no idea how stressed and worried I was until we got the results and it felt like a weight had been lifted from my shoulders! But for quite awhile, my head was firmly planted in the sand. I didn't want to talk A1c. I didn't want to talk cholesterol.

(Let me take a minute to just say that I went back and forth about posting her actual A1c... And I decided not to. I don't think it's wrong if you DO post the A1c... and I actually DID post it on facebook... It's just that each person is so different and unique. One person might get a 7.0 A1c through little effort and another might get a 7.0 A1c through an INCREDIBLE amount of effort. One person might have a 7.0 and it would show fantastic control. While in another person, it might show WAY too many lows. And I just chose 7.0 as a random number... It's like comparing apples and oranges. So I chose not to post ours. Because one number is just that.... one number. Our number.)

I also think I've been keeping my head buried because Friday will be Sweetpea's 3 year Diaversary.

Three years.

The first year felt like a celebration. The second.... well, we were in the ER and admitted... this one... I'm kinda numb.

I have certain feelings about it and we are not ignoring it... I just haven't wanted to deal with it before I absolutely HAD to. So I haven't.

And then there's been me trying to take better care of myself and exercise. And that has often left me with a decision... Do I blog or do I work out? Because it's usually almost 10pm and I don't have time for both.

I guess it's felt like there's been this big, dark, cloud over us and I'm trying to pretend it isn't there. Maybe if I don't look up, the tedium, the A1c's, the cholesterol, the anniversaries, the numbers, the tests, the supplies, the fear, the anxiety... all of it will disappear.

It's a phase. I can already see the tides are changing a little...

Before I can blink I'll be back in the swing of things...

But I just may keep a little bottle of sand close by... just in case I need an escape!

The Heart Attack

noreply@blogger.com (Hallie Addington) — Fri, 20 Apr 2012 23:50:00 +0000

Wow! I'm sitting down at the computer for the first time in what feels like weeks to blog!

I've missed this... I need to share our stories with you.

I need to tell someone who understands. Someone who gets it.

Last time I posted, I shared a scary experience we had when we were in Florida dealing with a very stubborn low.

I was scared. Nervous. It's been awhile since I felt like that...

J was scared, too. And so was my Mom.

What I didn't realize at the time was that Sweets was scared as well.

We woke her up to drink and eat. When she's that low, it's best to have her awake. If she is not fully awake it's hard to tell if she's lucid and she fights us with the eating a lot more because she just wants us to leave her alone. So Sweets was awake the entire hour and half. We were all sitting on our bed (It's two twins pushed together to make a King - the three of us share it in Florida because there are only 2 bedrooms.) watching TV. Mom and I took turns rubbing and scratching her back.

We do our very best to remain calm and appear to be calm in these situations.

We don't get upset. We don't raise our voices. We don't run around in a panic or voice any concerns out loud.

I thought we were doing a good job at this.

Apparently not.

The next day, Sweets stayed with my parents for a couple of hours while J and I ran to the store.

We were gone about 2 hours. That's it.

All those Smarties finally kicked in and her bg skyrocketed to about 550 in the early morning hours. We had brought her back down only to miscalculate lunch carbs (totally my fault). So she was high while we were gone.

She beeped high and Mom checked her out. She was in the 300's and it had been a bit since lunch so she knew something was not right.

But that wasn't all.

SWEETS was not right. She was acting off due in part to having a high bg. But there was more to it than that.

They were talking and Sweets said something to them about her having a "heart attack" last night.

"What?" Mom asked. "A heart attack?"

"Yeah." Sweets replied. "I had a heart attack."

Mom reassured her that she did NOT have a heart attack and they discussed what a heart attack really is.

"Do you mean when you were low last night?" Mom asked. "Yeah - that's it." Sweets said.

Mom said that it was almost like she had a panic attack. When she beeped high and Mom didn't know what exactly to do to treat it, Sweets freaked out. She told Mom that she needed to her Mom and Dad right away and find out what to do. She said she was all a flutter and unable to relax. And she didn't really calm down until we got home.

When I heard this, I just felt the wind go out of my sails.

I try so hard to remain calm and serene and not let diabetes scare her. The only thing I had done that night that was even a little "un" calm was to tell her that she needed to sit up and eat the Smarties NOW - because she was telling me she was too tired and would eat them in the morning.

At the time she didn't appear to be worried or stressed. She watched a little Disney channel. She wanted to go to sleep. But that was it.

So it makes me wonder...

What else is she worried about that she's not sharing with us? Is she worried about diabetes? Does it scare her? Am I doing something that is causing her to be afraid?

I just don't know...

Sometimes I think that if all we had to deal with was the physical part of diabetes, it would be an easier disease to manage. It's the emotional part that brings me to my knees much more often.

It breaks my heart to think that she is afraid. It kills me to think that she worries about other people taking care of her.... No, not just other people - her GRANDPARENTS! The only people who, other than a couple of wonderful friends, can actually watch her! I want her to feel safe and secure. She needs that independence...

I don't exactly know where to go from here... I try to continue to reassure her through words and actions that she is fine. I encourage her to talk about it if she wants to. I'm really not sure what else there is to do...

I suppose it's just a part of raising a child with diabetes.

She's growing up and she is becoming more aware. Of course, as her Mommy, there is a part of me that wants to shield her forever!

But I also want for her to grow with this disease and feel the confidence and pride she will gain from knowing she is able to care for herself - diabetes and all. I want her to feel that smug, "Yeah, I have diabetes. But I got this. I can do anything you can do."

Baby steps, I suppose.

There will always be fear. But as long as we all keep getting back up again and moving forward after fear has knocked us down, we're doing just fine....

Even if we do encounter a few "heart attacks" along the way.

Putting Fear in a Box

noreply@blogger.com (Hallie Addington) — Fri, 06 Apr 2012 01:04:00 +0000

We had a scare the other night.

It's been awhile since I was scared. Really scared.

But I was last week.

We spent the last week in Florida! It was wonderful! We really need the sun and the pool and the beach to recharge our souls. I grew up going to Florida so it's just a part of who I am. I miss it when I'm not there and feel a NEED to get back there as often as possible!

It appears that Sweets has also inherited the Florida gene. She LOVES it there. She asks to go all the time. She's happy as a clam when she's there. She's my little beach baby!

We especially enjoyed swimming and the beach this year as it was our first trip with the pod! It was so wonderful to be able to just let her swim and not worry about unhooking or keeping sand out of the pump. She just DID.

SO NICE.

Of course, even though without the pump attached she always went super high when swimming - we found that swimming tends to drop her like a rock! So we were working to reduce her basal rates and determine if and when she needed free carbs to hold her bg steady.

I can only assume that this played into the scary low that she had while there. I really have no explanation for what happened.

Wednesday night, she went to bed with a bg steady at 113.

She said she felt low. We tested. She was 120.

We should have listened to her.

She'd had a snack and been bolused for it. J and I went thru everything again later and we know we counted everything right. We even took swimming into consideration.

But...

Practically as soon as she fell asleep, she beeped low.

We had just tested her less than 10 minutes earlier.

But when I tested her again, she was 50something. Double arrows down.

So I woke her up and fed her some smarties.

Smarties always work. And they always work FAST. She didn't like it. She cried. She fussed about being tired. But she ate them.

But then Dex beeped again. FOUR beeps. Under 50. I tested and she was 43.

More smarties. More keeping her awake.

She was lucid. She was talking and she knew what was going on.

But her blood sugar was NOT coming up.

The pattern continued -- test, bg in the 40's or 50's, give smarties, wait.... repeat.

On and on and on....

Long story (not so) short... It took about an hour and a half total. 10 packs of Smarties. And one juice.

But she finally came up slightly over 100.

I was scared. J was scared.

At one point my Mom came into our room to see what was going on. She sat on the bed with us and rubbed Sweetpea's back. She was scared, too.

I had the glucagon out. It was sitting right there. I was ready to use it.

And it just kept going through my head... when? When should I do it?

Had she dropped any lower, I would have done it. After our experience last year, I won't ever hesitate to use the glucagon again. But still.... you don't WANT to have to use it.

It's almost like I'm getting USED to these scares. They still make me want to puke. And they still stress me out beyond belief.

But I'm learning to just keep going. I'm learning to put that fear into a box and put it high up on a shelf and just keep moving forward.

Just another night in the life...

The only difference was that this time it really affected Sweets. THIS time, she remembered it. And this time, it scared her, too. But we'll save that for another post...

The Whole Truth

noreply@blogger.com (Hallie Addington) — Tue, 03 Apr 2012 23:06:00 +0000

There's a little more to the story about why I haven't really blogged in a month.

MOST of it was because we were sick and J was working. That's about 90% of the reason.

But there's another reason, too.

I can't really name it. I'm not sure how exactly to describe it. It's just a phase in our life with diabetes that also kept me from the blogging world.

We go through different phases living with this disease.

Sometimes it's all consuming and seems to take up all of your brain space.
Sometimes it's so frustrating you want to scream and bang your head against the wall.
Sometimes it is annoying - majorly or minorly.
Sometimes it makes you angry.
Sometimes it makes you sad.
Sometimes it leaves you feeling numb.
Sometimes no matter what you do, you don't see the result you wanted.
Sometimes everything goes right and you have no idea why.
Sometimes you feel afraid.
Sometimes you feel depressed.
Sometimes you feel guilty.
Sometimes you feel all of it.
And sometimes you feel nothing.
Sometimes it doesn't get to you.
Sometimes it does.
Sometimes you want to hide it.
Sometimes you want it to go away.
Sometimes it just IS.

I've been in a phase where diabetes just IS. It's just a part of our lives.

It hasn't been ruling my thoughts. It hasn't been ruling my emotions.

We do what we have to do... we still count carbs and bolus and test... But I haven't tweaked in a while. Haven't really had to. Not that her numbers have been perfect. They haven't been perfect. But they haven't been awful either. She hasn't complained much. It hasn't seemed to rule our lives.

It just IS.

I haven't been in love with D. But I haven't hated it, either.

Ambiguous. I've been really ambiguous.

And I haven't felt much like talking about it.

I know it won't last forever. I know I'll need to tweak here soon. I know something will change and we'll get thrown back into the crazy waves of emotion that go with this disease. I know there is a lot I still have to say about this disease.

Maybe it's been my way of just not dealing with it.

We can't ever just QUIT diabetes. But we can refuse to let it rule us. Rule our lives and thoughts. We can focus on other things.

I think that is healthy. Even if our attitudes about diabetes are super healthy and our focus is positive and we work hard to enrich the lives of those living with disease.... we still need to take a break from time to time.

Just like Sweets is not ONLY a person with diabetes, I am not ONLY the mother of child with diabetes.

There's more to me than that.

I don't always get to explore those other sides of myself. A lot of those sides have practically disappeared. Some of them may be gone forever. And some might just need a little kick to rise to the surface again.

I guess this phase has been a kick for me to look for those other pieces. Maybe I'm just now ready to go there.

It may not last. I know that.

It's just another phase on this crazy journey we call life with type 1 diabetes.

We Interrupt This Blog...

noreply@blogger.com (Hallie Addington) — Mon, 02 Apr 2012 01:19:00 +0000

We interrupt this blog to bring you... LIFE.

Man, life has been keeping us hopping for quite a while now. And it has seriously cut into my blogging!!

We could probably go back to last FALL... but I'll spare you all those details.

If you just go to February... Sweets broke her elbow, then she was sick for a week with a low grade fever and sinus stuff, then we took her back to the doctor a week later because her throat was red and her tonsils were swollen and she was still coughing. They still did not treat her. Then we picked my parents up from the airport. We celebrated her birthday - about 5 times total including a sleepover party. We took my parents back to the airport. The following week, she spiked a fever that read 105 on the head thermometer. It was 103 by the mouth thermometer. She had a fever of 101 or so for a good five days along with coughing and lots of snot. Of course, we could not get into her regular doctor so she ended up at urgent care where they said she had the flu and a sinus infection that has been around a while. I also caught that lovely ick and was had a fever of 101 for 3-4 days. It's been awhile since I had a fever like that. This was all during report card testing time. The next week we parent teacher conferences and so I was working late. J worked overtime the entire month of March so he pretty much came home, logged onto the computer, and worked until around 11pm each night. My access to the computer was seriously limited.

I've left out the parts about how I was supposed to go to Washington D.C. with JDRF for Government Day but had to cancel due to having used most of my days taking care of Sweets and taking her to her appointments. I hated to do it because I so totally believe in JDRF Advocacy. But I knew our chapter was in good hands and I do have responsibility to my kids at school! Then, I also had to back out of a JDRF Promise meeting AND the day of filming we were doing with a JDRF film crew because we all had the flu. We'd been working on setting this all up for MONTHS. And we had the flu.

Yeah, it's been that kind of winter.

I know I'm not alone, though. Pretty much everyone here is sick. The ick seems to be going around and around and around...

And life just HAPPENS, you know?

So that's where I've been! Unable to get to the computer and too busy taking care of a sick kid and my own sick self to hardly notice!

It's not all germs and allergies, though... Last week was our Spring Break and we spent that in Florida with my parents! And it was wonderful! We hope the warm air and sea breezes killed all the germs we've been carrying around - and that our house aired out, too!

Anyway... I'm back! Ready for Easter and the last quarter of the school year! Ready for Spring and increased activity and wonky numbers as a result! Ready for another arm draw and labs and a trip to the Endo. And ready to blog it all out!

I hope you're ready, too!

ps... Some people reported problems with the last post about not being able to read everything. After looking into it (because I've always been able to see it all), I found that Blogger does not support Internet Explorer anymore. So, if you use IE as your browser, you might have problems. Try using Google Chrome or Firefox and see if that helps... And thanks for your patience and understanding!

We Have a WINNER of the Too Sweet Boutique and Skidaddle Bags Giveaway!

noreply@blogger.com (Hallie Addington) — Wed, 28 Mar 2012 16:48:00 +0000

It is time!!

Time to announce the winner of THE ULTIMATE GIVEAWAY!!

The winner of this fantastic giveaway will win coordinating products from Too Sweet Boutique and Skidaddle Bags!

One lucky winner will be getting their very own Dot Hipster bag from Skidaddle Bags!

This bag is chic and sweet and built to carry your most important diabetes medical supplies. There are three outer pockets ideal for your cell phone, keys and small items. Inside are three netted pockets, four elastics, one hidden pocket and a center pocket ideal for your Glucagon. The inside is insulated and the canvas fabric has been laminated with a matte PVC to keep the bag looking like new.

The winner also wins an incredibly cute coordinating pump or cgm pouch from Too Sweet Boutique!

How darling is this?!? This design is perfect for a stylish gal of any age!

The winner can choose the Simply Practical or the Perfectly Clear pump pouch. Never fear if you don't wear a traditional pump or even if you are not a pumper! If you use the Omnipod, you can get the pouch sized to fit the PDM. You can also get the pouch sized to fit the Dexcom receiver (This is what we do since we are podders! We love it!). Or you can use the pouch as a great way to carry a cell phone, clicker, meter, and some tabs!

So you probably want to know who the lucky person is who will be getting these incredible products???

After counting all the entries on this blog and the entries from new fans that were posted on the Facebook walls of Too Sweet Boutique and Skidaddle Bags, we had a total of 247 entries!!! That's a lot of love!!! And we all so appreciate your excitement about this incredible giveaway!

After entering the total number into Random.org's random number generator, the lucky number was 160.

And that number belongs to......

BETHANY RANES!!!

Bethany, you have 48 hours to contact me at theprincessandthepump@gmail.com to claim you wonderful prizes!!

If you didn't win, that does not mean you are left out! You can still get your own Dot Hipster from Skidaddle Bags and Black Dot Pump Pouch from Too Sweet Boutique! I know you will find that the quality is wonderful and you will fall head over heels in love with both of these products!

Thanks so much for playing!

Too Sweet Boutique and Skidaddle Bags: The Ultimate Giveaway!

noreply@blogger.com (Hallie Addington) — Mon, 12 Mar 2012 22:00:00 +0000

Today I have the privilege of sharing with you an incredible giveaway!

Two of my favorite diabetes retailers have joined forces to create some super cute, super functional coordinating products! They are proving that while we might have to live with diabetes, we can certainly look good doing it!

The first awesome prize is from Too Sweet Boutique!

Too Sweet Boutique offers fun, functional and fashionable pouches for insulin pumps and diabetes supplies. If you've been reading my blog very long, you know that Too Sweet pouches are the ONLY pouches that Sweets will wear. She loves them so much that I often have to sneak them off of her in order to wash them! They are discreet and easily hid under clothing. However, they are also so darling that you might just want to show them off!

Amy, the owner and designer of Too Sweet Boutique, started making pouches after her daughter was diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes at the age of 11 months. Her little sweetie started pumping at 13 months old and Amy decided that to get the best, cutest, most functional pump she was going to have to make it herself! Amy makes each pump pouch by hand with the very best materials and lots of love!

Too Sweet Boutique is giving away a Black Dot Pump Pouch!

How darling is this?!? This design is perfect for a stylish gal of any age!

The winner can choose the Simply Practical or the Perfectly Clear pump pouch. (Click HERE to see the different options!) Never fear if you don't wear a traditional pump or even if you are not a pumper! If you use the Omnipod, you can get the pouch sized to fit the PDM. You can also get the pouch sized to fit the Dexcom receiver (This is what we do since we are podders! We love it!). Or you can use the pouch as a great way to carry a cell phone, clicker, meter, and some tabs!

The second incredible item is from Skiddadle Bags!

Skidaddle Bags are changing the look of diabetes - one bag at a time! Skidaddle Bags are made from the finest materials to ensure easy care and durability. We all know our diabetes bags take a licking - and we need something that can hold up to everyday use. But we also want something that is cute!

That is exactly why Maria, owner of Skidaddle Bags, started designing bags! Maria has a super sweet little girl of her own who was diagnosed with diabetes at the age of 4. One day her daughter told her that she wished she could have a "happy" bag for all of her diabetes supplies. And with that - an idea was born! Skidaddle makes bags that are functional and durable - but also CUTE and nothing to be embarrassed about carrying around.

Skidaddle Bags is giving away a Black Dot Hipster!

Is that not one of the most stylish bags you've ever seen?!?

Chic and sweet, the hipster is built to carry your most important diabetes medical supplies. There are three outer pockets ideal for your cell phone, keys and small items. Inside are three netted pockets, four elastics, one hidden pocket and a center pocket ideal for your Glucagon. The inside is insulated and the canvas fabric has been laminated with a matte PVC to keep the bag looking like new. Just wipe and go. The dimensions are 7" x 9.5" x 2".

To see a look at the inside of this beautiful bag, click HERE.

Can you just imagine how awesome you or your sweet one would look with these coordinating diabetes supplies?!?

I know you want to win these prizes.... So here's what you need to do. Pay attention. The rules have changed!

1. You must do all of these things to get ONE entry.

- Like Too Sweet Boutique on Facebook

- Like Skidaddle Bags on Facebook

- Like The Princess and The Pump on Facebook

Once you have liked all three pages, leave a comment on this blog saying that you have done so.

2. You can earn an extra entry to doing each of the following:

- Blog about the giveaway
- Facebook about the giveaway
- Tweet about the giveaway

Once you have done one of these things, leave a comment on this blog saying that you have done so.

3. You can earn UNLIMITED entries for each new fan you send to both pages. So ask your friends to head over to Too Sweet Boutique and Skidaddle Bags on Facebook and leave a comment on each page saying that they are a new fan sent by "Suzy Q".

Don't forget to leave your first name on all entries. Entries with no name will not be counted.

Once the giveaway has ended, we will count and number the entries. The winner will then be selected by random draw at Random.org.

You have until Monday, March 26, 2012 at 12:00 am EST to enter. The winner will be posted on this blog on Wednesday, March 27, 2012.

Good Luck!

Happy Birthday, Sweets!

noreply@blogger.com (Hallie Addington) — Tue, 06 Mar 2012 05:00:00 +0000

Today, my baby turns SIX years old!

How did this happen???

I keep telling her that she is not allowed to be six. I told her I was only putting five candles on her cake. She said that she was turning six no matter how many candles she had. So there.

What's a mom to do?!?

We are in the midst of BIRTHDAY WEEK! We had her birthday party for her friends Saturday night. In the past, we have always combined our family party with our closest friends. But this year... she wanted a REAL friend party.

The plan was a gymnastics party. We had it booked and everything. Then she broke her arm. And out the window that went... That was really the biggest thing that she was upset about concerning her arm. I felt bad. So I asked her what her second choice was... And she said a sleepover party.

Ugh.

How much did I NOT want to do that? But.... It's what she wanted! So we did it!

She invited three of her closest friends and they had a BLAST! She was a little miffed about having to stop the fun and test but other than that it all went well!

In fact, I had to laugh. One of the things that she wanted to do was decorate cookies. So we did. But with all the excitement and running around, she was running on the lower side. Not low. Just low-ish. All the kiddos were sitting around the table ready to decorate and waiting on Sweets to test. They all have known her forever - so they all know about diabetes and testing. And as we are testing Sweets, they all start saying, "Test me next! It's my turn next! Me! Me!" Only at a CWD's party would one of the games be "testing our blood sugar"!

There was pizza, cupcakes, sugar cookies, globs of icing.... And I totally SWAG'd it all. And lookie here....

She even held steady between 90-150 all night - with about 20 g free before bed!

I'd DEFINITELY call it a success on the bg front!

But the best part was that she had FUN! She got to do what her friends do. She was so incredibly happy! No matter that she has a broken arm and type 1 diabetes... she was just like everyone else! That is priceless!

So, on this day, I will leave you with a special birthday message for my little girl.

Sweetpea,

I can't believe you are six years old! That's not a baby anymore... You are growing up so fast I can hardly believe it. No matter, you will ALWAYS be my baby...

You are such an incredible little girl. You are so full of life, so full of excitement and joy and wonder! I love how independent you are and how you insist on doing things for yourself.

You are such a fighter. Nothing holds you back. Nothing stops you. Your spirit and strength is such an inspiration to me.

You are the bravest person I know. You never complain. You just keep going.

I would do just about anything if it meant that you could live your life without diabetes. I would give anything to be able to take it from you. As your Mom, I want so desperately for you to live a long and healthy life. And I despise diabetes at times for messing with you. No one messes with my little girl.

But I want you to know that although we may struggle with this disease, it never lessens my love for you. I love YOU for who you are. And that includes diabetes. Diabetes will never change the way I feel about you. I knew you were a miracle the minute I laid eyes on you. And nothing has changed that. If I could go pick out a child from all the people in the whole world, I'd pick you. Just the way you are. Each and every time. With never a hesitation.

You are such an incredible gift! You may get presents on your birthday - but your Dad and I got the best present ever the day you were born. YOU.

Happy Birthday, my sweet girl! I love you more than you will ever know!

Love, Mom

Today is the Day

noreply@blogger.com (Hallie Addington) — Mon, 05 Mar 2012 03:45:00 +0000

Today is the day.

Today is the day we join together in lifting up the Schuhmacher family in prayer.

Today I heard a song on the radio that I felt was perfect.

It was "Today is the Day". It's playing right now on the playlist.

Listen to the words...

Today is the day you have made

I will rejoice and be glad in it

Today is the day you have made

I will rejoice and be glad in it

I putting my fears aside

I'm leaving my doubts behind

I'm giving my hopes and dreams to you

Jesus

I'm reaching my hands to yours

Believing there's so much more

Knowing that all you have in store for me is good

Is good

Today is the day you have made

I will rejoice and be glad in it

Today is the day you have made

I will rejoice and be glad in it

And i won't worry about tomorrow

I'm giving you my fears and sorrows

Where you lead me I will follow

I'm trusting in what you say

Today is the day

This has been an emotional week. I don't know about you, but I'm a worrier. I worry a lot.

This week I've been worried about Meri, Ryan and the boys. I can't stop thinking about them. My heart hurts for what they are going through.

And I'll be honest. In true worrier fashion, this news has made my worry explode. I have been worried about not just them but myself and my family. I'm embarrassed to admit this. I feel guilty worrying about us. It's just that I know how fragile life is... and how it CAN happen to you...

Something that I have really held to this week is the command God has given us to "fear not". God tells us over and over again to not be afraid. I have a feeling that there is a reason for this... He knows that lots of us struggle with this.

This is also something I've prayed about for Meri and Ryan... I have prayed not only for a miracle and for healing... but also for peace.

Hearing the words of that song...

"I won't worry about tomorrow. I'm giving up my fears.... I'm trusting in what You say...."

This has helped to calm my anxious heart.

But not just these words... Something else has really worked on my heart as well.

As I posted a few days ago, we (some amazing D Mamas) have created a Facebook for people to post well wishes and prayers to Ryan and Meri. And the love started rolling in.... Prayers from all over the world! Facebook became a sea of this photo...

It gave me chills.

But that's still not all...

We also have created a place where people can give financially to the Schuhmacher family. Because we know that medical expenses can be overwhelming. And for those of us living far away.... We can't take over dinner. We can't help watch the boys. We can't be there physically.... but we can send prayers and we can send money.

And then the financial support started rolling in... And it's not about how much people give. It's that people care enough to send something. No amount is too small. People are seeing a need and meeting it in any way that they can.

It's simply amazing.

Through the love of others I have seen my worries begin to subside. The love of others has truly strengthened my faith.

I have gone from being very, very worried for my friend to being so full of love and wonder that fear has no place. I have gone from being anxious to being ready to see them receive their miracle.

You know, I didn't grow up learning a lot about God. We went to church - but I never learned anything is Sunday school. And then when I was a teen I just detested the hypocrisy that I saw in organized religion. It wasn't until I was in my 20's that I found a church home and really started learning about God. It wasn't until then I really had any kind of relationship with God.

So praying was something that was super uncomfortable for me. But thanks to some wonderful ladies in a prayer group, I learned to pray. I learned that I didn't have to be formal. I didn't have to follow a script. There wasn't some kind of secret language to make it work. I learned that all I really had to do was talk to God like I would a close friend. All I had to do was express myself with a humble, open heart.

So maybe you don't feel like you know how to pray. Maybe you don't know what to say. Maybe you aren't even sure about God. That's ok.

Today, I don't think it matters what religion you are. I don't think it matters if you don't really have a religion. I don't think that how you worship is what is most important.

I think what is most important is that you just do whatever you feel in heart. Just take a look at the Facebook page. Take a look at the giving site. And then join with us in praying for a miracle.

Today is the day.

Today is the day we join together in lifting up the Schuhmacher family in prayer.

Today is the day we bombard the gates of Heaven asking for a miracle.

Today is the day.

And tomorrow, and the next and the next and the next...

We know that Meri and Ryan won't stop fighting.

The least we can do is continue lifting them up and wrapping them in love and prayer.

Won't you please join me?

For more information and to keep up to date with Ryan's progress, like The Schuhmacher Family's Miracle page on Facebook.

To donate, click HERE to be taken to the giving site.

Medical Fundaising Made Simple

The Smell of Life

noreply@blogger.com (Hallie Addington) — Fri, 02 Mar 2012 02:47:00 +0000

A smell can instantly bring to mind a memory.

I'm sure there are smells that can transport you back in time... Your Aunt's apple pie, the smell of your high school boyfriend's cologne (J wants me to clarify that is not necessarily a GOOD memory!), freshly cut grass, salty sea air, the baby shampoo you used on your newborn, a certain kind of flower...

Smell is a powerful sense.

Can you guess the smell that reminds me of Sweetpea's first year?

Nope, it's not J&J Lavendar Baby Bath. It's not that new baby smell. It's not warm milk.

It's Spray-N-Wash.

Every time I smell it, it's like she is a baby all over again!

You see, about a week after Sweets was born she was diagnosed with reflux. And it was bad. I'm talking projectile spewing bad. All the time.

A few examples:

Sweets and my Mom went with me to my 8 week post delivery appointment. In the waiting room, a sweet older lady stopped by our seats to Goo and Gah over baby Sweets. We informed this sweet woman about her tendancy to projectile spit. She pretty much ignored us and took a seat close by. It wasn't but 5 minutes later that Sweets spit up and it flew from where she was sitting in her car seat across the room in this huge arc and made a mess all over the floor. The look on the woman's face was priceless!

When Sweets was about 6 months old, I had to go back to work. She was being taken care of by a wonderful woman who lived down the street. She had grown kids of her own and had watched other children for years. I told her about the spit. I could tell that she didn't really believe me. The first day I packed a LOT of bibs and burp cloths. She thought I was nuts. But when I picked her up that afternoon, after telling me she had a great day, she said, "You weren't kidding about the spit. I've never seen a kid spit so much!".

Sweets spent the first year of her life dealing with this. She took medicine which kept it from burning her throat but didn't keep it from coming up. Sweets lived in bibs. She wore "fancy" ones that matched her outfits when we went out but for everyday use nothing was better than the cheap ones from Wal Mart with the plastic backs.

The only thing we could find to get the spit out of the cloths and bibs and her clothes and our clothes and her toys and the cat.... was Spray-N-Wash. And that smell reminds me of that time in her life.

I was thinking about this the other day after we had done a pod change. I got insulin on my hands while we were switching pods.

And that stuff is STRONG. If you've never smelled it... a lot of people think it smells like band aids. But it's more like band aids - if you were in a room so full of them that you couldn't move. It is a REALLY strong odor.

And it doesn't just come off with a little soap and water. It sticks around.

Later that day, in the middle of doing something totally non-D related, I smelled it. Insulin.

And I wondered... Will THAT be the smell that reminds me of her childhood? Will I forever associate the smell of insulin not just with diabetes but Sweetpea's life? Will I be 80 years old and smell that smell and be instantly transported back in time?

I am pretty sure the answer is yes.

And that makes me feel a few different ways...

Part of me feels sad that I associate my little girl's childhood with the smell of a drug. Aren't little girls supposed to smell of Barbie perfume and Hello Kitty bubble bath? Aren't you supposed to associate the smell of childhood with things like the smell or warm suntan lotion after a day at the pool? Or freshly washed hair? Or bubble gum toothpaste? Or newly mown grass clinging tolittle bare feet? Or the sweet smell of their breath at night when they have fallen asleep on your shoulder?

There's a part of me that feels sad that there is this OTHER smell hanging around.

And really, not just insulin. But the smell of alcohol wipes and adhesive remover, too. A clinical smell. It makes me sad. And a little mad. And a lot wistful.

But there's another part of me that doesn't feel that way.

There is a part of me that smells that strong odor and feels.... Grateful.

Because without that smell.... I wouldn't have my little girl.

And I wouldn't have all of those good smells.

So, whenever I smell that insulin... before I wrinkle my nose... I'm going to try to remember to feel thankful and grateful that we live in a time and in a country and in a place where we have access to insulin. I'm going to feel grateful that my little girl is happy and healthy and thriving.

Because insulin is really the smell of life.

Let Faith Arise

noreply@blogger.com (Hallie Addington) — Thu, 01 Mar 2012 01:19:00 +0000

Has it really been a week?

Sweets has been sick for the last week. Nothing serious. But enough of a bug to keep her home from school. That always keeps us busy.

Then a couple of days ago I got some heartbreaking news from a dear, dear friend.

And I've been unable to focus on little else since.

My friend's name is Meri. Many of you know her or read her blog, Our Diabetic Life. Meri is one of the first people I met on this journey. She has four boys - aged 16-8. That in itself is impressive! Her youngest three boys all have type 1 diabetes. Now that is amazing!

Meri has been there for me countless times. She has rejoiced with me and been there for me during dark days. And now it's my turn to be there for her.

Meri's husband, Ryan, battled melanoma a few years ago. On Sunday, they found the cancer is back. Ryan has 6 tumors in his brain and multiple tumors in his lungs and abdomen.

To hear about this diagnosis from Meri herself, please click HERE. Do it now.... I'll wait.

Do you believe in miracles? I do. I see them every day. Life itself is a miracle. I think sometimes we think that God isn't in the miracle business anymore. We don't see seas parting and things of that magnitude. But I think that maybe it's that WE aren't in the business of LOOKING for miracles anymore. Miracles are all around us. We just have to look.

So I'm asking you to please, please pray for a miracle for Meri and Ryan and their family.

It doesn't matter if you only have a minute. It doesn't matter if you think you don't know how to pray. It doesn't matter if you don't know what to say. It doesn't matter if you're not sure about religion. It doesn't matter if you think God won't listen to you. None of that stuff matters.

Just do it. Right now.

It doesn't have to be perfect. It doesn't have to be long. Just ask God to heal Ryan. Ask God for a miracle. Right now. I'll wait.

I believe God hears us. I believe our prayers matter.

Maybe set a timer in your phone. And every time you hear it, pray. Pray for them every time you brush your teeth. Or take a shower. Or get in the car.

Please do this for my friend. Please do this for her boys.

Thank you...

To keep up to date on Ryan and their fight, please "like" the Facebook page "Schuhmacher Family's Miracle" by clicking HERE.