The Prisoner's Wife

Get Your Milk Ready

noreply@blogger.com (the prisoner's wife) — Wed, 16 Jul 2008 17:06:00 +0000

I’m sorry, I thought it was 2008.

On the heels of the New Yorker Cover debacle, we have video of John McLaughlin defending Jesse Jackson’s recent “slip up” by calling Obama an “oreo.” I haven’t heard this term in a very long time, and am surprised that McLaughlin was even able to pull it out of the hat. As if we (Black folks) didn’t have enough to deal with already (education, prison rates, the economy), we are thrown back into the debate of who is and who is not “Black.”

It is extremely problematic to label someone who is intelligent, articulate and a genius “white on the inside,” because it completely devalues the genius of Black people. The idea that those of us who have pursued higher education, can navigate Standard American English, and who don’t fit neatly into to stereotypical archetypes are somehow not really Black is absurd and has damaging consequences.

A recent study found that “acting black” affects the number of black students in gifted programs.

Most of the students were familiar with the terms "acting white" and "acting black." They described "acting white" as speaking properly, being smart or too smart, doing well in school, taking advanced courses, being stuck up, and not acting your race. Terms they used to describe "acting black" were having a "don't care" attitude, being laid back, being dumb or uneducated and pretending not to be smart.

"Tragically, only one student (surveyed) indicated acting black was positive. Instead, the gifted black students… believe that acting black means lacking in intelligence, placing a low priority on academics, speaking poorly, behaving poorly, and dressing in ill-fitting clothes," they wrote. "The gifted black students clearly hold negative stereotypes about blacks, namely their attitudes, behaviors and intelligence."

Sixty-six percent of the students surveyed reported knowing someone who had been teased or ridiculed for doing well in school, while 42 percent reported being teased for this reason themselves.

The authors found discrepancies between students' attitudes and their behaviors—students expressed belief that school is important and a key to success, but may not behave that way in the classroom (entire article).

Growing up, I distinctly remember kids around the way saying I talked white or that I was stuck up because I attended a private school and brought home good grades. I was embarrassed that my parents, especially my father, would brag about my academic achievements to others. Growing up, I didn’t feel better than anyone else, I felt like me. I quickly learned that being smart wasn’t tantamount to being cool, and had it not been for the guidance of my parents, I may have not worked as hard, just so I’d fit in. Today, I see many of my students’ struggle with the same issues. The smart ones are sometimes ashamed of their educational prowess because it ostracizes them from their peers, and the ones that need a little more help are slow to access it because they don’t want to seem nerdy or white. It’s frustrating but comments like McLaughlin’s only steep the fire.

I am troubled by the perception that being Black means being aloof, uneducated, and lazy. Our history speaks otherwise. We come from a long line of revolutionaries, people who worked hard in spite of all they faced, and pure geniuses (Baldwin? DuBois? Brotha Malcolm?). It is painful to know that our children think that, by virtue of their racial make-up, they are inferior and must somehow continue to perpetuate stereotypes to be accepted by their peers.

Although I was not completely enamored with Obama at the outset of the campaign, I am ecstatic that he serves as yet another reminder of the genius of Black people. When I am in my classroom, I can point to him and say, see, that is what acting black, or being yourself, will get you: success.

What's Wrong With This Picture?

noreply@blogger.com (the prisoner's wife) — Mon, 14 Jul 2008 21:23:00 +0000

The latest issue of The New Yorker depicts Barak Obama as a turban-wearing Muslim, Michelle Obama as a gun-toting, crazed Negro woman, and Osama bin Laden ensconced in a portrait in the Oval Office, all while the American flag roasts on a fire. According to the New Yorker, the cover, entitled, "The Politics of Fear," is meant as a satirical response to Sen. Obama's right-wing critics.

But did they go too far?

Now, I understand satire, it is meant to be so over the top that people will immediately see the truth. The problem, however, is that there are still large segments of the population that truly believe that Sen. Obama is an unpatriotic Muslim looking to infiltrate the white house. Crazy, right? But some people fall victim to this type of propaganda and fail to research the issues on their own. A recent Newsweek Poll found that...

...white voters continue to be a challenge for Obama, with McCain leading the Democrat in that category 48 to 36 percent. Some of Obama's lag in white support may be explained by continual confusion over his religious identity. Twelve percent of voters surveyed said that Obama was sworn in as a United States senator on a Qur'an, while 26 percent believe the Democratic candidate was raised as a Muslim and 39 percent believe he attended an Islamic school as a child growing up in Indonesia. None of these things is true. Finally cracking the code with less-educated whites could have a big payoff for Obama: 85 percent of undecided voters are non-Hispanic whites and only 22 percent of those undecideds have a four-year college degree.

This is precisely what disturbs me about The New Yorker cover. I can appreciate its wit and its purpose as a satirical commentary on the absurdity of extremist politics, however, as my cinema professor's once said, once you release your art to the world, your intention no longer counts. The perception of the viewer is all that will matter in the end. And here in lies the problem. We know the nature of people, they view images and create their own stories in place of the real thing. So to have such a depiction on the cover of such a venerable publication is, at the very least, problematic for Obama and his campaign, considering people actually think this is the real him.

But what do you think? Do you find the image offensive? What kind of an effect (if any) do you think it'll have on the campaign?

If You Had Any Doubts

noreply@blogger.com (the prisoner's wife) — Fri, 11 Jul 2008 15:01:00 +0000

It's hard to watch or read the news from around the world and still be hopeful. With our economy in turmoil, dragged down by crippled banks and the price of fuel, I'm amazed that people are treating their economic stimulus checks like Christmas cash. I banked most of my check and the rest went toward paying Sallie Mae, but as I walked the mall yesterday I noticed it was crowded with people spending in times where it seems we should be saving.

The news from around the world is even crazier.

Two years ago I blogged briefly about the issue in Darfur & the lack of action by the West. It's amazing to me that, even after Rwanda, people have been slow to act in Sudan. China, the home of this year's Olympic games, is one of Sudan's biggest sponsors, yet we are not holding them accountable for their role in the upheaval. As my mother would say, that would be too much like right. But today, the International Criminal Court, is seriously considering issuing an arrest warrant for Sudan's president, Omar Hassan al-Bashir. Although it seems like the absolute right thing to do, nothing is ever black and white when people's lives are at stake. The UN is worried that any criminal action will anger the president and cause him to lash out at diplomats and Aid workers, who are so desperately needed. It's a precarious situation for sure, and every issue and action seems to be shrouded in shades of gray.

If you had any doubt that ISMs still exists, all you have to do is look at Ohio. I was SHOCKED to found out that a rural town in Ohio was denied water, yes WATER, because its residents were black. Although water lines were laid in 1956, residents did not receive PUBLIC WATER until 2003. Crazy, right? Read for yourself (here).

In France, a Muslim woman was denied citizenship on the grounds of "insufficient assimilation." Although she speaks the language, has children born in France, and is married to a French national, apparently she is too submissive (to her religion, to her husband, etc) to be a French citizen (read). It's easy for us (Westerners) to say that she is being oppressed by her religion or her husband because we don't understand her choices, but those are HER choices. This makes me wonder if something like this would ever happen in America. Like America, France also has the freedom of religion provision in their constitution, however this woman was denied specifically on the basis of her submission to her religion. Our president has already played fast and loose with our Constitutional rights (FISA anyone?), I wonder which one is next?

Although I am an optimist, I am also a realist. Race, class, and gender issues are still a factor in our world today. The presidential race brought many of these issues to light and forced Americans to begin having conversations on these issues, but it's clear that nothing has really been resolved.

On July 23rd and 24th, CNN will air their documentary, "Black in America." I'm interested in seeing & having conversations with you all about it. I was wondering if you'd like to have a LIVE blog event during the program? My idea is, we'd watch the program and basically converse as it's happening here in the comments section. That way we can discuss the issues as they occur to us, and receive feedback from each other. Let me know if it's a good idea and if you'd like to be involved, or if you'd like to watch the program and then talk.

be blessed.

Dear Jesse, You F*cked Up

noreply@blogger.com (the prisoner's wife) — Thu, 10 Jul 2008 06:51:00 +0000

and jesse responds....

*sigh*
i just have a few words...

1. why is Jesse even on Fixed News, knowing the biased views they spew daily?

2. brotha, in all of your years of being in the media...shouldn't you know the mics are never dead? how are you trying to pass this off as a "sound bite" into a live mic when those idiotic words came out of YOUR mouth?

3. how was Obama's Father's Day Speech talking down to black people? he was merely asking black fathers (all fathers for that matter) to man-up & be responsible for their children. speaking the truth, to me, is never speaking down, it's about saying what's right.

4. i'm tired of our "leaders" apologizing every year for some bone-headed action or remark...can we get some new blood in the movement (*ehem* is there even a movement?).

5. does Jesse even matter anymore?

I Want You to Be Fat

noreply@blogger.com (the prisoner's wife) — Tue, 08 Jul 2008 16:23:00 +0000

well, it's settled...it's a conspiracy to keep you fat.

That’s what University of Washington researchers found when they compared the prices of 370 foods sold at supermarkets in the Seattle area. Calorie for calorie, junk foods not only cost less than fruits and vegetables, but junk food prices also are less likely to rise as a result of inflation. The findings, reported in the current issue of the Journal of the American Dietetic Association, may help explain why the highest rates of obesity are seen among people in lower-income groups (more).

stroll any supermarket & bodega around the country and you'll probably notice that fruits and vegetables cost disproportionately more than junk food. yesterday i hit the grocery store in search of a few healthy items: fruit, veggies, boca products, and my wallet took a hit. my total? nearly $70, spent on two lonely bags of groceries. ouch.

(this is what $70 looks like)

i have always speculated that eating out is actually cheaper than cooking (notice how i didn't say healthier). i know, i'm going against all of the budget crunchers out there, but each time i go to the grocery store i feel like i've been stuck-up. i come home with a few bags, and a whole lot less money. it just doesn't seem to make sense.

no wonder we are fat.

in stiff economic times like these, people are forced to feed their families at the expense of their health. people must choose between $9 chicken breasts or $3 ground beef. it's a no brainer if you're broke and your kids are hungry.

the high cost of food, and the lack of high-quality foods in many communities, also makes me think about the obesity rates in inner city communities. is it a coincidence that the communities that have the least money to spend are oft times the fattest?

a study published in the Pediatric News tackled the issue of obesity rates in inner city kids in East Harlem, NY. the study found that kids were inundated by bodegas (corner stores) and fast food joints, but had little access to stores that carried fresh fruits and vegetables.

Proximity and prevalence of these convenience stores, known as bodegas in Spanish, turn out to be an accurate predictor of body weight and waist-to-hip ratio in East Harlem children, according to Dr. Maida P. Galvez of the center for children's environmental health and disease prevention research at Mount Sinai School of Medicine, New York. The wide availability of junk food and the relative dearth of fresh healthy foods go a long way toward explaining the rampant obesity and diabetes in this largely poor Hispanic and African American neighborhood.

...In the neighborhood as a whole, there were 10 supermarkets and 9 grocery stores, but 182 bodegas. The latter typically sell predominantly high-fat, high-sugar packaged foods, and very little fresh fruit, vegetables, whole grains, or other healthy foods.(more)

while this study was conducted in Harlem, it can be easily replicated in Watts, Chicago, DC, or any other major American urban city. the startling thing about this to me is that we are killing our kids. a lot of times we blame parents for not cooking the right foods or setting bad examples for kids, but we fail to take a look at the system that isn't set up equitably.

as a child growing up in South-Central Los Angeles, i distinctly remember our local grocery store. the fruits always seemed dented and a little too ripe, the meats were a mixed bag, but there were isles of tasty, sugary, fatty treats. when my mother ventured out of our neighborhood to shop, we saw a stark contrast in the quality of food offered in more affluent neighborhoods. these neighborhoods had bustling produce departments, brimming with colorful fruit and vegetables, some of which i'd never even seen before. they had a bakery department that severed FRESH breads, and the meat didn't look funny at all. at 11, the disparities were apparent to me and it didn't seem right. even though i was young i knew that having access to GOOD foods shouldn't be a privilege, it should be a right.

A Work of Art

noreply@blogger.com (the prisoner's wife) — Mon, 07 Jul 2008 05:05:00 +0000

in my ideal life, the one i used to imagine in my late teens, i saw myself as a cultural maven, hitting cocktail parties, discussing experimental art, writing, and living the lush life. i thought of myself as one of the posh new yorkers that stayed up late, drank cosmos (hey, sex & the city just started), and had THE most interesting life EVER.

and then there's my real life.

on saturday, the munchkin and i dashed off to the art museum in search of mommy's alter ego. of course, from the begining i felt a little lost. thankfully i wrangled my family (mom + brothers) into joining me so i wouldn't amble about confused with no one to talk to.

when we first arrived, i was pleasantly surprised to find out anyone bringing a child and signing him/her up for a (free) museum membership entitled the accompanying adult to also get in free. the next surprise was that if you are a Bank of America customer, you can visit several museums for free at the beginning of the month. so, our tickets were gratis & all we had to come out of pocket for was the parking. yes.

museums are interesting spaces. tons of people talking about color, intention of the artists, and paintings that don't really make much sense (to me). not only am i not art smart, but the language of art...all of the vocabulary that goes along with discussing it, the frames of reference people use, the artists...are foreign to me.

the contemporary art section was a confusing blur. of course you had a few Andy Warhol's, Jean-Michelle Basquiats, and Jeffery Koons, but then you had a room with video and bodies with severed heads. my (younger) brother bolted out of that room as if the chick from The Ring was chasing him. comedy, but it WAS a bit strange. sometimes i am confused about what is deemed "high art." some galleries were fulled with paintings with simple lines, or geometrically-shaped colored blocks that i didn't find particularly fascinating, but who am i to judge? i did enjoy myself, though...immensely. silly me, i forgot my camera at home, so i had to make due with my phone. hope you enjoy the flix (click on the pics to enlarge them).

The Cheech Marín Collection (yes, as in Cheech & Chong. who knew).

Margart García, "Eziquel's Party"

This "window" isn't made of stained glass. it is made entirely of butterfly wings. i wondered, did he kill the butterflies? or did he wait for them to die, then pluck their wings? either way, it is painstakingly beautiful, don't you think?

close-up of the "window"

from the african art collection

egyptian art collection

south-east asian art (of India)

so i felt inspired by all the art. i will call this, Lady in Red...camera phone + glass + munchkin & me

peace

Are You Happy Now?

noreply@blogger.com (the prisoner's wife) — Thu, 03 Jul 2008 00:06:00 +0000

when i found out i was pregnant with the munchkin, beloved struggled with my decision to have him. we were both students, i had just lost my job (our main source of survival), and we weren't married. from the beginning i knew i wanted to usher this baby into the world. not really because i felt an instant connection, and not because i was brave beyond measure, but because my momma always raised me to keep my legs closed, and in the event i happened to get preggo, i'd woman-up and have the baby. and so i did. and this little boy has been an amazing addition to my life. quite honestly, had it not been for him i might not have fought so hard to keep my relationship with beloved together. i might have fallen apart when the shit hit the fan. but i didn't. knowing i had to keep it together, knowing i couldn't draw up into a ball and fall deeply into depression, has motivated me to be the best woman i can be for my son.

i'm sure my story isn't unique. i'm sure millions of other women have found themselves knocked up sooner than they thought, and had to change their course in order to be the best mommy they could be. sometimes i wonder what my life would be like if we'd just waited to have the munchkin. when i hear my friends talking about jetting off to the Bahamas or going to some club, i'm a bit jealous. but the question begs to be asked...am i happy? are you?

a recent Newsweek article took a look at a study that measured the happiness of people with and without children. it found that childless people are, according to the study, 7% happier than parents. the article states,

"Parents experience lower levels of emotional well-being, less frequent positive emotions and more frequent negative emotions than their childless peers," says Florida State University's Robin Simon, a sociology professor who's conducted several recent parenting studies, the most thorough of which came out in 2005 and looked at data gathered from 13,000 Americans by the National Survey of Families and Households. "In fact, no group of parents—married, single, step or even empty nest—reported significantly greater emotional well-being than people who never had children. It's such a counterintuitive finding because we have these cultural beliefs that children are the key to happiness and a healthy life, and they're not." (read the whole article here)

so what is it about parenting that makes us both immeasurably ecstatic, but yet less happy than our childless counterparts. i think a lot of us (parents) would reject this study on an emotional level because we feel as though it calls our parenting and the love for our kids into question. on the other hand, i am inclined to agree. although i love my son beyond measure, parenting requires an immense amount of self-sacrifice. i am forever having to put my needs and wants on the back burner for my son. am i resentful? no. do i sometimes wish i didn't have to always be last? hell yes.

in the old days, parents, specifically women, didn't voice their needs. all of their time, money, and emotion was thrown into their children. women slaved over hot stoves, cleaned-up the house, catered to her husband, and buried her own needs and dreams. today, our focus is slightly shifting. our society is more open to mothers pursuing goals and dreams, but somehow it still has to play second to making sure their children are taken care of. and i guess that makes sense. once you decide to have a child, you take on a whole new set of responsibilities. you are now responsible not only for you life, but for theirs. it makes sense to have to put your child's need ahead of your own, but damn if it doesn't suck sometime.

i know you can't always have it both ways, but why do we (women/parents) feel so guilty about putting ourselves first?

if study is correct and children are not the key to happiness, then what is?

i'm not sure, but i think the answer lies in loving yourself. if you do not love yourself and aren't happy with yourself and your decisions, then you will not be a good wife/mother/partner/friend. nothing good can come of a poisoned tree. and no amount of happiness can come to you if you do not take some time for yourself & just love you!

Technorati Tags: parenting, happiness survey, motherhood

Let Them Eat Cake!

noreply@blogger.com (the prisoner's wife) — Wed, 02 Jul 2008 01:24:00 +0000

i've always had an amazing sweet tooth. good for the eyes, but a bit hard on the thighs! while i was in the grocery store this morning, i spotted those delicious little burgers, umm i mean, cake. the best of both worlds wouldn't you say? just maybe.

summer is panning out to be a pretty lazy affair. after my girliciously busy weekend (read: lots of girly things to do), i've been on complete laze mode. i have yet to wake up early, put on my sneakers and walk to the park for my daily workout. actually, i haven't worked out in a few weeks. i was completely thrown off by the rush of the last week of school, traveling to see beloved, and a week-long training. i think i'm being so lazy to make up for all the busyness of the past few weeks, but it's time to snap out of it.

last summer, i threw on my workout shoes, stocked up on fruits and veggies, took a turn at Capoeria, and dropped 20lbs. i've managed to keep most of it off (give or take 2 or 3lbs), and ~~was~~ am looking forward to doing the same this summer. i've realized that ~~obsessing over~~ trying to lose weight during the school year just isn't my thing. but if i can knock a few lbs off each summer, then maintain, i'll be grrrrrreat!

leading up to my bday in may, i sort of got my workout mojo back. i signed up for podfitness, woke up at 5am, and walked with my virtural trainer, David. at that time i toyed around with the idea of walking a marathon in October. i've since scaled it down to the half marathon, but still...i'm doing it. i tried to enlist my mother, but she wasn't having it. she doesn't see the point in walking 26.2 miles. and truthfully, i don't either, other than the fact it would be a hell of an accomplishment. so i'm switching training programs (see-ya David), buying some new sneakers and a sista gon work it out.

the summer, or any bit of down time, begs to be used to plan out your next few moves. i have always been iffy on goal setting. i've always had grandeious ideas that somehow, either by hook or crook, have come to fruition, but i've never really sat down to plan. but it's about time. i have two months, two lovely, but short months, to make some changes in things in my life. i'm not about to overwhelm myself and self-sabotage before i can even get started, but i will start holding myself accountable. so here it is...three things (i told you i wasn't trying to over do it!) i plan on focusing on this summer...

1. write more often: i've been working on a story that i hope to expand into a novel since november. here's the kicker tho, when i say "working on it" i mean feverishly wrote 4 pages, then put it down for 4 months and picked it back up again. i have always sold myself VERY short as a writer, too uneasy with the title itself. in reality i have lots and lots of stories in my head, and if i just sit still long enough, they will come pouring out. i will pour daily!

2. move you body girl: i will find every opportunity to walk, stretch, lift this body. please believe my goal is not to turn into a gym rat, but i can improve upon my sexy, and i'll do it at least 3 times a week!

3. break outta procrastination hell: it's a sickness! i can't even begin to tell you how much money i've wasted on overdue bills, expired tickets, and things i just let lapse because i always put things off until tomorrow. i jokingly said i would try hypnosis to break out of procrastination hell, but i keep putting it off!

what are you working toward? what goals would you like to accomplish this week, month, or the balance of the year?

Easy Like....Monday Morning?

noreply@blogger.com (the prisoner's wife) — Mon, 30 Jun 2008 16:18:00 +0000

and so it begins, the first FULL day of my summer vacation. i have waited for this day since school began in September (lol) and now it's here. i have NO Idea what we are going to do today. my weekend was pretty full of grown-woman activities to last for a minute. I went to a joint bridal shower for two of my sorors, and on sunday went to church and then brunch with friends. while we were leaving the restaurant, which was beautifully situated on the waterfront, i realized that i've never been to "brunch." sure i've eaten breakfast and/or lunch at that weird in between hour, but never formally went to a restaurant and had brunch. it was fun, and very grown-woman-like. i decided that we needed a regular girlfriends outing of some sort. i ran it past my friends and they agreed. hopefully our lives won't work us out of this idea, because we need it. it's so much fun keeping up, talking about life, and just having a good time. i need more of that. too much of my life is on pause. it's about time i start living for today, while planning for tomorrow. ya know?

so today, we have no plans. i'm halfway looking up info on potty training (ugh!) and homeschooling materials for preschoolers. the munchkin is pretty smart, but i'd like to keep him learning throughout the summer and not just watching Curious George all day (well...starting tomorrow! lol). anybody have any suggestions for books? i'm open.

speaking of books, i just finished Terry McMillan's The Interruption of Everything. that book was GREAT! i've never read a Terry McMillan book (i know, i know), so this was a welcomed surprise. the book was right on time too. it basically dealt with a woman whose life needed to be shaken up, and she's forced to follow what she WANTS to do. i can dig it. i've been writing more and thinking about writing. i've been working on a little side project (hopefully released soon), so i'm at that place where i'm taking baby steps. ~~hopefully i can~~ i will capitalize on my free time this summer to accomplish the things i want and work toward my goals.

so what's on deck for your week? how was your weekend? and what kind of goals do you want to accomplish in the near future?

urgent like a mutha...

noreply@blogger.com (the prisoner's wife) — Sun, 22 Jun 2008 00:46:00 +0000

(CLASSIC black love moment! Darius sums up the immediacy of love, in such adept words, i had to post this..even though it's grimy as all hell, but still, enjoy!)

Patience and perseverance have a magical effect before which difficulties disappear and obstacles vanish.
~John Quincy Adams

John Adams had a point. patience and perseverance have the ability to change things in many, wonderful ways...but damn if it doesn't take forever!

today i saw beloved, and it took lots of patience, perseverance, and money to make this extremely short trip happen. you see, they had a festival today, which is sort of like a family picnic. it's the one time out of the whole year you can actually be outside, experience the sun, hold hands, and stroll around like teenagers, albeit, within limits. but it's a nice and welcomed change from having to sit knee to knee, across a table in a crowded visiting room.

the festival was cool, the sky was blue, clear and God held back the rain, but the sheer amount of time took for the COs to process us and drive us 100 feet inside the prison walls was RIDICULOUS! if i were new to this whole prison thing, and had a bad attitude, i would have been in trouble. but whenever you're dealing with the Department of Corrections, you already know your time isn't your own. you operate on their time, when they want to move, and when they see fit to allow you to reconnect with your loved ones. it sucks, but it is what you have to deal with to get to the good parts.

coming east always feels like home. even though i'm not a huge fan of upstate NY (i'm bored!), the change is welcomed. one of my favorite things is that you hear new songs on the radio. maybe it's because i've pretty much abandoned LA's urban radio stations for my iPod & NPR, but there are a lot of good songs i've been missing out one. one that i'm LOVING right now is Jazmine Sullivan's "I Need You Bad."

this song is takes me back to when beloved and i first got together. the VERY magical days when we couldn't get enough of each other. soon after i moved to NY, he invited me to a reception for one of his family's friends. it was a muggy, august night in Jamaica, Queens and it was one of the best parties i've been to. beloved is jamaican, so each party is complete with DJ and lots and lots of drinks. the vibe was so lovely, i remember getting tispy, and dancing real close to my man. i remember thinking life couldn't get much better than this: surrounded by the possibilities of a new city, deeply entrenched in the first stages of love, giddy-all-you-can-think-about-is-him-love, and in this backyard dancing to Sizzla and Sean Paul. this song single handedly brings back all of those memories. the music, the riddim feels like an old Marley tune, her voice sounds like Lauren when she fell in love with Rohan. the vibe is there. i played it for beloved when he called and he flipped. he loves it too, it reminds him of me, and him, and home. we both can't wait to get home, wherever that may be and just LIVE.

i pray your weekend is blessed.

Be A Nigger Too?

noreply@blogger.com (the prisoner's wife) — Sun, 15 Jun 2008 05:29:00 +0000

if you have been reading this blog for a while, y'all already know how i feel about Nas. If not, read this, then let me know your thoughts about the vid.

i'm looking forward to the conversations we'll spark off this.

Story Tellin'

noreply@blogger.com (the prisoner's wife) — Thu, 12 Jun 2008 01:56:00 +0000

because i had to do it again...enjoy.

Gabcast! This Side of the Wall: Notes from The Prisoner's Wife #3 - Story Tellin: Grinding

the first part of a short story i am working on, entitled "Grinding."

excerpt from "Women Who Write Too Much" by bell hooks.

There are writers who write for fame. And there are writers who write because we need to make sense of the world we live in; writing is a way to clarify, to interpret, to reinvent. We may want our work to be recognized, but that is not the reason we write. We do not write because we must; we always have choice. We write because language is the way we keep a hold on life. With words we experience our deepest understandings of what it means to be intimate. We communicate to connect, to know community. Even though writing is a solitary act, when I sit with words that I trust will be read by someone, I know that I can never be truly alone. There is always someone who waits for words, eager to embrace them and holding them close.

What You Talkin Bout?

noreply@blogger.com (the prisoner's wife) — Tue, 10 Jun 2008 04:19:00 +0000

I'm reminded of my first crush
the wobble in my knees, first touch
summer love ice cream cone
nights shared with you
nights spent alone
butterflies, first love
sweaty palms embracing a first hug
I'm moved to say in thought of you
I can't imagine living life without you

~Dwele "Without You"

(this song PERFECTLY describes the feeling i had in the summer of 03 when we met. i couldn't play this song enough. it still makes me giddy when i think of us & this song)

beloved and i have hit a wall.

the uncomfortable feeling of routine has washed over us. our conversations as of late have all consisted of the same things: i love yous, how are yous, how's the baby?, i can't wait to see you. silence. ummm. did you watch the game? silence. ummm. i miss you.

i can tell he's getting worried. the other day he wondered aloud if we were gonna make it, if this is all there is in relation to our conversations.

i reminded him that talking is overrated.

i mean, we talk. we have deep conversations where we spill our deepest feelings, we write them down in letter upon letter, but really...does this happen to "normal" couples everyday? methinks not. i think most people don't spend days or even 15 minutes at a time talking about their feelings. we are not new to each other. we have lived together for years, been together nearly 5, and we are to the point where we are just...familiar with everything. i tried to assure him, and myself, that life gets like this sometime. we can't possibly hold super deep conversations every day. no one does that. we talk about our son, ourselves, work, writing, whatever. that's normal. that is life.

i know all of this wonder & uncertainty comes from the fact that he isn't here. i reminded him that we didn't have long, heart-felt daily conversations when he was home. we mostly enjoyed just being WITH each other, and that is the thing we are missing right now. curling up on the couch, watching a movie, taking a walk, going to dinner, or playing video games. we are missing out on all of the non-verbal conversations we used to take for granted, and it is now worrying him. i try to assure him (and myself) things will snap back to normal when he comes home, but who can really be sure?

Walk the Line

noreply@blogger.com (the prisoner's wife) — Fri, 06 Jun 2008 05:39:00 +0000

I am not a revolutionary.

I am not uber militant about affecting social change. I usually express my action through voting, and getting others to join a cause. But tomorrow…I will take it to the streets.

My state is broke, as are most states in this county. My governor, The Terminator, has proposed nearly $4.3 Billion, with a capital B, in budget cuts to education. This proposed cut will CRIPPLE many districts, including my own, the 2nd largest in the district in the country. My district, LAUSD, is facing a reduction of approximately $377 million in state aid, which translates into new teachers, like me, being cut.

So tomorrow, I will give up an hour’s pay for the kids of LA & walkout of my classroom to show the governor that this shit won’t fly. I will stand and picket. I will pass out leaflets and I will make my tiny voice herd. My job is on the line. The jobs of my colleagues are all on the line. Hopefully the sheer size of my district will shield us from being cut, but you never know. Many of the smaller districts have already experienced drastic cuts to their teacher population. Districts from Northern to Southern California are having to cut anywhere from 300 to 1000 teachers, and some districts have even gone so far as to close down schools. We are living in extremely scary and uncertain times.

I have been trying to imagine what a normal classroom would look like with 1000 fewer teachers. Will there be 35 or 40 students to a class? Will there be more?

No matter what side of the political fence you sit on, I think we can all agree that cutting the budget for education hurts our kids. We don’t need more prisons, we need more schools. We need more dedicated teachers who work hard & give it all they’ve got to make sure our kids become successful, responsible adults.

Can you did that?

listen up

noreply@blogger.com (the prisoner's wife) — Wed, 04 Jun 2008 02:41:00 +0000

so i guess this means...

i'm completely VAIN lol. but seriously, here is your opportunity to put a voice to the words.

Gabcast! This Side of the Wall: Notes from The Prisoner's Wife #1 - Welcome

sharing poems, random thoughts, and giving shout outs!

wildfire

noreply@blogger.com (the prisoner's wife) — Tue, 03 Jun 2008 19:55:00 +0000

it's funny how fast bad news spreads. yesterday was a testament to the swiftness of news. yesterday i learned that one of my best friends from childhood lost her mother. i was completely SHOCKED! this woman is someone i've known all my life. i grew up appreciating her humor, her warmth, and her love. when i was a youngster and COMPLETELY attached to my mother's hip, her house was the ONLY one i'd dare to spend the night at. i am still in shock. she is, or i guess was, younger than my own mother which brings up so many thoughts of how i'd feel if i'd lost my own mother.

the news traveled fast. a friend called me at about 4:22pm to say our friend’s mom had passed. she had only passed the hour before. i called brooklyn to tell my our other friend (who grew up with us), she called her mom in long beach, and through a series of calls and text messages (crazy, right?) we were able to piece together the story of her ending. i don't really know what to say. i have NO idea what to say to my friend. i am not even equipped to deal with this...like...i have no words. what would i want to hear? (nothing). "i'm sorry for your loss," just seems to hollow and unfamiliar. i will have to think & gather my thoughts and make that call.

it's crazy
how short
life really is

today i was challenged with loss again. a student that has been absent for a few days returned today, and i asked where she'd been. i was expecting something like..."i was sick," or "i was out of town," but instead she told me her dad died, unexpectedly in South Africa. again, i was faced with trying to gather the words to convey my utter hurt and concern for her. all i could muster was "oh no...i'm so sorry to hear that." i felt shitty because i couldn't be of more comfort. i felt horrible that i couldn't come up with something more personal…to say how much i wish she wasn't dealing with this at 13.

life is short. yesterday beloved's aunt asked me how i am dealing with the situation of him being away & me being a single mom. in light of the things my friend & my student are facing, this is a cakewalk. i am still alive, and beloved, although gone, will be home soon (insha'allah). this just gives me more reasons to pause and take in every single moment and enjoy LIFE. no matter what it brings, no matter the hard knocks and setbacks, i am still ALIVE. i am breathing and able to live and LOVE my people...that's all i really need.

can't knock the hustle

noreply@blogger.com (the prisoner's wife) — Thu, 29 May 2008 02:43:00 +0000

(i actually liked the cover of this book because i have a strange affection for the A-train. i gave it a shot, but just couldn't get into it)

ok, i'll admit it....i'm a book snob...and i'm tired.

last night, before heading to the grocery store, i stopped off at Borders to pick up a few Curious George books for the munchkin. i used to love going to Borders and browsing for hours. it was nothing to find me there on a saturday night perusing the african-american lit section looking for good reads. you see, unlike the old saying, i DO judge a book by its cover.

when i'm trying to find something to read, i don't run to the NY or LA Times book section to see the bestsellers list, i browse. i pick up books, check out the cover to make sure it is devoid of all cheese, then flip it over and read the back jacket. if it seems interesting enough, i'll crack it open and read a few pages. many books have found their way to my bookshelf via this shallow-yet-effective method. Waiting in Vain, Blues Dancing, and Black Girl in Paris all managed to past the test and become some of my favs, but these days i'm finding it hard (very, very hard) to find a book that even warrants a second look.

i used to love the African-American Literature section. i always preferred Borders over B&N because they (Borders) segregated their books. they made it easy for me to get to the books that i REALLY wanted to read. books filled with interesting, colored characters that looked like me. books that transported me outside of LA, outside of my home, and my life. books filled with intelligent, upwardly mobile black folks with STORIES to tell. i loved that. loved how i'd get lost in a book for days, always trying to get the picture of the characters in my head. but today, every time i browse the Afro-American Lit section all i see are hood novels.

now, i'm all for black people reading, and i don't knock anyone's (legal) hustle, but damn...how many more sexually explicit, violent, and baby-mama-drama books can possibly be written? i remember when i first moved to Harlem and i'd see people on 125th St. pushing self-published books for $5. i admired their drive. as a writer that longs to be published, i understood and appreciated their hustle. i'd see people on the A train reading books with titles like Around the Way Girls and B'more Careful and i'd think...wow...look at all these black folks READING! it was a site to see. but now, as the hood lit section has swallowed the African-American Literary Fiction section WHOLE, i am dismayed.

sometimes i ask myself, am i just a hater? have all of my years of reading, writing, and analyzing literature turned me into a bourgeoisie reader, out of touch with my own community? or do i just expect more...more from my books, my literary brethren, my people?

whatever the case may be, i'm tired of the book section looking like a in-print version of BET Unkut.

the art of love

noreply@blogger.com (the prisoner's wife) — Tue, 27 May 2008 19:43:00 +0000

(and this is how i spent my memorial day. the munchkin & i headed to the beach...he isn't too keen on the waves, but LOVED playing in the sand!)

i knew it had to come to an end, but who knew the weekend would feel so short?

a MILLION thanks to all of you to left bday wishes & shout outs, those that sent up prayers, and my sista-friend, Xtina who sent me WONDERFUL a gift! my bday weekend is officially over, but i thoroughly enjoyed every minute of it. i have eaten out more times than. even i. can deal with, i danced the night away to some SOULful music, and i got to wrap it all up at the beach. this weekend has been truly magical & it just makes me look forward to all that the summer will bring. i can't wait!

(Chrisette tearing up the stage!)

the concert was LOVELY y'all. although i was VERY excited to see Raheem Devaughn, the show-stopper was my girl, Chrisette Michele! this girl is FIERCE! she reminds me of a younger Jill Scott. her voice, her stage presence, her thick-girl swag...it was pure story-telling in action. she COMPLETELY outshined Raheem & my friends and I felt like even if he hadn't stepped on the stage, we got out money's worth! if she comes to your city....RUN to see her! it's THAT serious.

(Raheem Devaughn...tryna look all sexual chocolate! lol)

speaking of Raheem, he was pretty good too, but...i felt something lacking. perhaps it was because of the fact that ALL of the songs he performed dealt with love-making and he proceeded to gyrate, grind, and hump the floor (ala Sir Bobby Brown). plus...he's just NOT attractive (to me). brotha better be glad he can croon, cuz had he have been average joe # 2...he'd get NO play from the ladies. the whole time he was singing i was distracted by his shiny ass lips & aviator glasses. i know i sound shallow, but yeah. i was glad he did my songs, "You" & "Guess Who Loves You More."

can you tell i had a good time? beloved called and called and called & sent me two BEAUTIFUL cards! i got some ends, and treated myself to a mani & pedi. i dances, i drank, and i relaxed. the weekend was full and fulfilling, and i am SO thankful for making it another year!

how was your weekend, y'all? was it as good as mine? *smile*

bless

Go Shawty, It's My Birthday...Let's Party Cuz It's My Birthday!

noreply@blogger.com (the prisoner's wife) — Fri, 23 May 2008 07:02:00 +0000

buy me a drink, pin some bday dollars to my shirt, dedicate a song to me...let's have FUN cuz it's my birthday!

(i'm not a fanatical beyonce fan, but i'm LOVING this song lately. it gets me through my workouts and it always makes me shake a little something and dance.)

ahhhh...another year older, and hopefully wiser. i look back on this year as another tough one, but one that has been full of life lessons. the biggest lesson i think God has taught me (and continues to teach me) is the virtue of patience. i have always been a fairly impatient person. i want what i want when i want it (read: now!). however, being a mother to a 2-year old who also has his own brand of impatience has taught me to relax and be patient. my professional life has also taught me to chill. there are days i want to pull my hair out, shake a kid or scream on an unruly student, but that would only lead to the weave shop & unemployment line so i'm forced to remain even tempered and take things in stride. and y'all already know my relationship screams PATIENCE! i want beloved to spend this long, bday weekend with me...but unfortunately it is not so...

here i am, taking in all the lessons, wisdom, and blessings that have been bestowed upon me this year. i am so thankful for making it this far. thankful for my 28 years. i embrace getting older & look forward to all that i will experience in life. i pray i have decades left to go, see, and accomplish EVERYTHING in my heart.

so come...celebrate with me. turn up your speakers, play your favorite songs, do a little dance, light your best smelling candles, have some chocolate and just have a good time with me.

(i can't wait to hear this song tonight. i'm going to try to make my way {*ehem* elbow} to the front of the stage when he sings this. i will imagine that he's singing to ME.)

how the TPW got her groove back

noreply@blogger.com (the prisoner's wife) — Thu, 22 May 2008 15:16:00 +0000

as i mentioned in the last post, i've been experiencing a bad case of the blahs. i haven't been in a funk, really, but i have just been feeling out of sorts and disconnected from everything and everyone. but all that is starting to change. my birthday is tomorrow & perhaps its coming has given me a new burst of energy. i've never really made a huge deal out of my birthday. i can't even remember ever having a birthday party, and that's alright with me...but approaching 30 (ok, 28) has sorta lit another fire, or at least a spark, in me.

a few things have been pulling me out of the funk.

1. Podfitness: i've been waking up a bit after 5am to workout & it's been great. it's given me the energy BURST i need not to dread going to work. i've felt more purposeful & not so lethargic in the mornings.

2. Homemade Smoothies: i've never been huge on breakfast, but getting/eating healthier means i HAVE to eat breakfast. my smoothie concoctations have been a wonderful (and tasty!) addition to my morning routine.

3. My 'Fro: ok folks, i'm bout to sound a little self-absorbed, but my afro is fuckin FABULOUS! it's huge! my friend cornrowed the front Tuesday night & it looks so regal. i think i've found a new summer style! my hair has always been a bit of a challenge, especially since i went natural. it's SUPER thick, and has so many textures, but i'm finanally getting into a good hair groove & it's wonderful.

4. My Kid is COMEDY!: so my son has quickly made the chage from a silent kid, to a little chatter box. he cracks me up SO much & i'm so happy he's finally letting the words flow.

5. 3-Day Weekend: I am SO looking forward to this weekend. Although I didn't make it out to see beloved, i do plan on enjoying myself. tomorrow night (my bday) i'm going to see Raheem DeVaughn perform & have dinner with some friends. Saturday I am planning to get a mani & pedi and perhaps do dinner with the fam. Sunday is church and______________? and Monday, i will just enjoy relaxing.

so what's up with you guys? i feel as though we haven't connected in SO long. let me know what's going on, what y'all chattin' bout on your blogs, plans for the long weekend.

peace

testing 1-2, 1-2

noreply@blogger.com (the prisoner's wife) — Fri, 16 May 2008 15:51:00 +0000

i'm here, i sware. i have just been in a constant state of blah. don't ask me what's wrong, becasuse i'm not sure if anything IS wrong. i just haven't been in the mood to write...anything. and i've barely been online. i guess such is life.

i have noticed that more people are stopping by, so i guess that means i should force myself to write, because i DO (really, really do) appreciate the reads, and i love sharing words, but i just haven't been feeling like me lately.

i have a birthday coming (the 23rd), so hopefully i'll pull myself out of this funk before then. but all in all...i'm good. i am having a pretty easy work week (thank God for state testing!!), and the weather has turned SUPER hot.

how are you guys? i pray you are well. anything fun planned for the weekend?

Granddaddy, The Lakers, and a Poem

noreply@blogger.com (the prisoner's wife) — Tue, 29 Apr 2008 17:11:00 +0000

Freddie Lee

5 am. Surrounded in silence, he bathes.
thinking of all the things he can do. he
lathers, shaves, and drenches himself
in Obsession. the burgundy Olds
is spotless and it’s time.

seventy-one years have not slowed his pace.
he still speeds like a man of twenty-three
barely stopping at lights and signs, never
failing to honk at those who drive too slow.

He drives everywhere. exhaling Benson & Hedges
going to airports, and banks, and hospitals, praying
with the sick, delivering communion, rummaging
junkyards for new mirrors, and it’s amazing
how much gas he burns each week.

Granddaddy never sits still
unless it is to listen to Chick Hearn call the game
or watch John Wayne ride into the sunset,
victorious, having conquered a world,
my grandfather has never seen.

(c) me. 2003

~~~~

my grandfather passed away the summer i moved to New York, a day after his 74th birthday. my mother and I were actually in NY at the time trying to find me an apartment. he had been struggling with brain cancer for most of that year. his decline was startling. he went from a vibrant 73 year old man who still preached, served communion, and drove all over the city for God knows what, to a man barely able to feed himself. i hated to visit him in the hospital. not because i didn't love my granddaddy, but because i couldn't bare to see him like that.

my granddaddy loved the lakers. love to hear Chick Hearn call the game & wrap their win up in jiggling jello and hardened butter. we would watch together and argue over Eldin & Vlade. we would watch as Robert Horry would will us to win with yet another clutch three pointer. we watched as Kobe & Shaq embraced after they brought the crown back to LA where it should have stayed all along. and we watched as three parades marched through downtown, signaling victory.

it's coming up to the 5th anniversary my granddaddy has been gone. and the lakers have gone through many changes since them. they've lost, Shaq left, they gave us some hope, only to lose again, but now they are back on top. as i watch them today, i am still proud. still a diehard laker fan, but i can't help but feel a bit of emptiness. my granddaddy would love this. he would love the new players & the excitement they bring. he would love how Kobe has finally begun to share the ball. and he would love that they are on top. i hope they go all the way this year...not just for our city, and the fans, but for my granddaddy. it's been far too long.

Every Child Is A Poet

noreply@blogger.com (the prisoner's wife) — Fri, 18 Apr 2008 13:19:00 +0000

last night we had open house at our school. typically open house is a time when teachers display all of the creative/excellent projects students have completed throughout the semester. in honor of open house & in honor of National Poetry Month, my students created poetry collages. before open house began i hung them all outside of my classroom under the heading, "Every Child Is A Poet," which is the title of the Piri Thomas documentary.

because I am sharing poems this month, i'm going to share a few of my students' work. i hope you enjoy them as much as i did.

ps--for all images, click on them for a lager view.

"looking for love"

"king of love"

"my los angeles"

"anywhere but home"

"school"

don't you know?

noreply@blogger.com (the prisoner's wife) — Sat, 12 Apr 2008 04:26:00 +0000

dear student
(an apology)

and it's not your fault
fucked up and thirteen
i mistook your pain
as attitude misread you
and flashed righteous like
you should know better

we did not get it
raised voices spit
pain and accusations
in mixed-up directions

but it's not your fault
you didn't know
i expected so much
wanted you to carry us
deep into the future
wanted you to live
for all those that could not

instead of telling you
about your genius again
i told you to leave
and not come back
until you know how to act

(c) me. 2008

~~~~~

my mind is racing. i just finished watching, "A Live Conversation on Race" on MSNBC and i am feeling so...conflicted. i am trying very hard to unpack all that was discussed: the effects of slavery, the doll test, systemic racism. my heart and my head are heavy. this round table discussion made me feel like i was misreading my students & not quite meeting their needs.

you see, today was one of those days. i'm usually a patient person, i don't do very much yelling in my classroom, i try to deal with my students reasonably and with respect. but today *sigh* i flashed HARD on one of my students. she constantly annoys me with her actions and her choice to not meet her potential. she is very smart, but acts dumb to fit in. i can't stand that. i wish she were comfortable enough, wise enough to know that BEING SMART is a great thing. i wish she knew deep deep down to her core that dumbing herself down isn't cute. today she worked my nerve to no end & i told her that i didn't want to see her anymore until her momma came to talk to me. i said a few other things (no expletives tho), but i was SO hot. honestly, i wanted to slap some sense in to her, but the munchkin already has one parent locked up, so i'm cool. but as i think back, and as i think-through all of the conversations the panelists engaged this evening, i am a bit ashamed of myself.

my students struggle with a myriad of issues. i am a big advocate of personal responsibility, so i try to get them to take responsibility for their actions. but how can i expect my students to know right from wrong, to see the value and importance in education, and to see the absolute genius within themselves if no one ever tells them it is so? how can i try to convince them that they can accomplish the impossible if they live in a world that does not value black/brown genius? my kids are scared. they come from homes with absentee parents, and i suppose, they will take any ounce of attention they can get even if it's from a tired, worn-out teacher yelling at them. at least they know somehow hears them. someone cares?

i am still dealing with the conversations of tonight, but i felt i needed to apologize, even if only in poem form, to my student. on monday i will try to smooth it out, tell her why i was frustrated. it's not because i don't care, but rather it's precisely because i do. i'm human. we all fall short. i pray she is able to really hear & understand what i'm saying and that i'm coming from a place of love.

i went into teaching not really expecting to get emotionally involved. i'm pretty even tempered and nothing really stresses me out. but these kids, lawd, are a whole 'nother animal. each of them has become my own. i worry. i shake my head. i pray. i love. and hopefully, a few years from now they will be in a better place. hopefully they will be responsible adults. hopefully they will walk away from my class knowing that they are valuable, and someone cares.

Now Hair This!

noreply@blogger.com (the prisoner's wife) — Wed, 09 Apr 2008 19:47:00 +0000

The Healing Improvisation of Hair
by Jay Wright

If you undo your do you wóuld
be strange. Hair has been on my mind.
I used to lean in the doorway
and watch my stony woman wind
the copper through the black, and play
with my understanding, show me she cóuld
take a cup of river water,
and watch it shimmy, watch it change,
turn around and become ash bone.
Wind in the cottonwoods wakes me
to a day so thin its breastbone
shows, so paid out it shakes me free
of its blue dust. I will arrange
that river water, bottom juice.
I conjure my head in the stream
and ride with the silk feel of it
as my woman bathes me, and shaves
away the scorn, sponges the grit
of solitude from my skin, laves
the salt water of self-esteem
over my feathering body.
How like joy to come upon me
in remembering a head of hair
and the way water would caress
it, and stress beauty in the flair
and cut of the only witness
to my dance under sorrow's tree.
This swift darkness is spring's first hour.

I carried my life, like a stone,
in a ragged pocket, but I
had a true weaving song, a sly
way with rhythm, a healing tone.

~~~

(me, on the way to work.)

black women & hair is as complex as astrophysics, as deep as the atlantic ocean, and as contentious as discussing affirmative action. our hair, just as our bodies, have been agonized over, objectified, and gentrified to suit the needs of society.

even with all that surrounds us, we manage to do our 'do in countless ways & look FABULOUS in the process. my hair has been natural (sans relaxer) for some years now. i decided to stop relaxing my hair back in college, just to see how my natural texture felt. i'm not one of the militant ones that argue that ALL black women should just let their hair be. i feel like we are intelligent/complicated women. we should have the right to choose our hairstyle based on our personal tastes. i DO have a problem with those that ask, "why don't you get your hair pressed? it would be so cute!" as if my natural kinks ain't cute.

honey, i'm FLY. so i let it be.

anyway, i love this poem & i wanted to share it. bless!