The Process of a Miracle.........A 30 Day Experiment

Changing the reflection

2008-08-25T16:12:00.001-04:00

Today is simply one of those days that pulls from the past, a moment in time of who I used to be. I often wonder if enough time will ever pass in which I feel completely and totally safe from the effects of the actions I displayed throughout my active addiction.

I know that the things I may have done while I was active are in no way shape or form a reflection of who I am today, but yet I am realistic enough to understand that things I have done…

I will always be judged by.

A piece of my past that has the capacity to allow someone to form an opinion of me based upon who I have been and not who I now am….it sucks.

But it’s mine, I can’t change what I did.
I can never erased the event.
I can never say I didn’t do it.

Because I did…and it’s mine.
But I changed….I know I have.

The way that I live on a daily basis is living proof of the power of change that is available for those who make a conscious decision to be more then the limits of who they have been. Whatever I have done, whatever I continue to do, will always have the capacity to be diminished by the actions of my active addiction.

So what can I do, how do I accept this and continue to move forward?

Step by step…fully and honestly.

I did what I did.
It harmed others.
It harmed me.

And it changed the course of my life onto this path of self-discovery I now travel. It has allowed me to not judge others so harshly for the wrongs they may commit, because I know that I do not wish to be condemned by my past, although at times I will

It keeps me on my toes and allows me to never forget the power I have within me to be a destructive force and also allows me the opportunity to choose to be more then the limits that some may wish to keep me in.

Because I know of the capacity to change the reflection of my past.

I often wonder if the day will ever come in which the reflection of who I used to be, will no longer have the power to taint my present day with the actions of my past. Will that freedom ever be something I will have or will this always be a part of my past that will always re-appear?

I want to believe that in this life I will one day have the opportunity to re-define this aspect of my life, like I have done with so many other areas; but am unsure how this can or will ever occur. I know that my willingness to be more that a low-down junkie has allowed me to discover the truth that I am more then that simple label….

And more then words could ever have the capacity to define fully.

If you enjoyed this post you may also enjoy the following……….

~The Process of Becoming
~The Spaces In-Between
~Love Falling
~Magic Shoes
~Simply Beautiful
~ It takes Courag e

Everything you need to begin your job search

2008-07-28T17:31:00.000-04:00

Are you ready to get a job but need some advice on how to start? SnagAJob.com, the largest website for hourly jobs, has everything you need to get your foot in the door. With features like job search advice, job descriptions of the most popular hourly jobs, and interview and resume tips, you’ve got a one-stop-shop for your job search. And with the easy-to-use ZIP code search tool, you can search for jobs in your area with the click of your mouse. Also, check out the community section called Off the Clock where you can vote in fun polls and enter contests to win prizes like gift cards. So start your job search off on the right foot with SnagAJob.com.

The Miracle

2008-07-07T10:59:00.002-04:00

What began as a 30 day experiment I started last June 24, 2007, turned out to be the first steps onto a path that would lead me in changing my life in every possible way…for the better.

There are days much like today when I look around at the life I live and wonder how I ended up living the exact life I said I wanted to live.

Is it all just a coincidence?
Was it just the way that my life was to unfold anyway?
Or was it more.

I believe it was more then any of those things.

What began as a huge leap of faith across the canyon of my mind, transformed all the aspects of my life in every possible way allowing me to start believing in the magic of life once again. At the beginning of the experiment…

I was contemplating suicide.
I was jobless.
I had no money to feed myself.
I had no type of social life.
I had to leave my home within 30 days or less.
I felt powerless in the grand scheme of all things.

These things were nothing that I wanted my life to be, I wanted more; but I had no idea how to get out of the cycles of thinking and behaviors that kept me trapped within them. In the midst of all the outer chaos of my life at the time, something happened that made me start to fight for the last pieces of myself that told me life was more then the events and circumstances of the present moment.

It wasn’t anything spectacular.
There was no parting of the clouds above.

It was more of a gentle nudge from within that let me know that the equation for life that I had been desperately trying to live by, would never, ever, ever offer me the results I believed they would. I woke up one morning seeing my life for exactly what it was and decided that if my life was going to change…

It was all on me…I had to change in order for my life to change.

I can see now that everything that was happening and the way that it was happening was all occurring for one reason and one reason only. It was an opportunity for me to change the dynamics of my life; I had to take full responsibility for myself and for the way that my life would be from that moment on.

I had no understanding of what would happen as a result of me diving within myself to re-wire the way that I thought and felt, but I did know that if they way that I believed changed then eventually the way thay I experienced the world around me would change along with the new beliefs.

I traveled into my past, present and future to re-define the way that I felt about events, circumstances and situations. I had to, or I would never free myself from the external prison they had become. It seemed like each day or the experiment revealed something new to me and allowed me to re-examine aspects of my life that had wounded me spiritually; and to find a lesson of growth and gratitude for what had already occurred what was occurring and for what would occur.

As the way that I thought and felt about my life changed….everything around me began to change as well.

Throughout the journey there was a lot of things that came up.

Painful stuff.
Scary stuff.
Exhilarating stuff.
And just stuff.

There were moments I felt like giving up, finding another job, settling back in the limits of the life that I knew…but something wouldn’t let me. Throughout the experiment, even in the greatest moments of uncertainty, something within me kept nudging me forward, even when I felt I didn’t have the strength to take another step.

That something was hope.
That something was my inner spirit.
That something was me.

I have allowed who I was at the core of my being to be shoved, shaped and molded into someone I thought I should be, never for a moment realizing it was never who I was meant to be. I believe we all have those aspects of ourselves with us at all times. Some of us, like myself struggle with allowing this part of ourselves to shine forth, while there are others who willing embrace this aspect of themselves.

I never embraced who I was.
I didn’t know I could.

And then one day, it was time for me to be who I was…and I embraced the challenge head on.

At the beginning of the experiment I knew what I didn’t want from life…

I didn’t want to trade my time for a job that would never adequately be able to compensate me for the actual value of time.
I didn’t want to miss out on my family anymore.
I didn’t want my life to be nothing more then work, sleep, work, sleep.
I didn’t want struggle and sacrifice to taint another moment of my life.

I knew what I didn’t want, because it was all around me and I was miserable. So I had to start dreaming and thinking about what I did want. Initially to venture forth into what I did want was a challenge; allowing myself to begin thinking about what I did want presented me with the many roadblocks in my thinking that had kept me from wanting anything more for a long time.

I had to dream about what I wanted.
I had to think about what I wanted.
I had to understand anything I wanted was possible.

I couldn’t allow myself to get caught up in the obvious distraction of “how” I would begin to experience and receive the life I wanted, I had to just see it as if it I was already having and living the life that I wanted. The “how” of the equation would only serve to lead me back to the limited thinking that had produced the results of the live I had already lived.

I wanted to live in my own home.
i wanted a beautiful garden filled with a rainbow of flowers.
I wanted to fall in love with someone who who loved me as much as I loved them.
I wanted to write for a living.
I wanted to help other people.

I just wanted to be happy.

It’s just a little over a year since the experiment began and this is the very life I am in living. Halfway through the experiment I made the decision to move back to Long island to stay with my parents for a little while….a month or two later I crossed paths with the man I am now madly in love with; and who loves me just as much.

I live with him in a beautiful home with my rainbow garden filled with flowers.
I help people like myself on a daily basis and let others know that the life I have is the life they can have if they choose to have it.
I have a wonderful network of friends and family that bursts the seams of my social calender.
I write for a living on my own website as well as several others and am in the process of finishing my first book.
I have not traded a moment of my time behind a desk working for someone else.
I have a beautiful magical life.
I am happy.

I started my experiment because I wanted to know if anything was truly possible and what I discovered on that journey was simply…the miracle of this life.

If you enjoyed this post you may also enjoy the following……….

~The Process of Becoming
~The Spaces In-Between
~Love Falling
~Magic Shoes
~Simply Beautiful
~ It takes Courag e

Smoothie Recipes

2008-07-07T10:57:00.000-04:00

In the summer a great way to cool down is with a cool and easy smoothie recipe. Smoothie Web is able to give you a years worth of recipes to try.

Some favorite smoothies are the strawberry smoothies.

Want to start your day off right, try some of the breakfast smoothies. They are packed with energy and good stuff.

Spiritual Wounds

2008-07-01T08:42:00.000-04:00

I know better then anyone, the situations and events that have transpired in my life that have wounded me emotionally. I have put forth great effort in regards to making peace with my past that have continually followed me into each and every day.

Through my journey of self discovery, I have learned to be gentle with myself, gentle with others and to know that hope exists.

And that I can, have and will find freedom.

I developed many behaviors throughout my life in order to cope with particular events, that at the time I had no capacity to process or deal with. Methods of protecting myself from the lashes of life inflicted upon my inner spirit, that have have oozed out pain and hurt, infecting every area of my life.

At a very early age the innocence of my childhood was stolen through the actions of another and I found myself silenced by the burden and shame that the situation forced upon me. Through time I have permitted myself to release what never belonged to me in the first place; but still found that there was unfinished business.

The traumas of the spirit and heart live on long after the original situations have passed and for me, I have learned the importance of allowing myself the opportunity to go back to redefine the past.

To heal the parts of myself that never stopped reliving those moments.

There are layers of denial, justification and rationalization that moments of my past are encrusted within and as each day passes I find the strength and courage to break through these method of self deception in order to allow myself the freedom of self I deserve.

The freedom to say what has needed to be said for much too long.

I had the opportunity this past weekend to re-visit my past, allowing me the chance to set things right, to let go of hurts and to embrace who I have been fully and completely in order to release it and be more then limited aspects of my past.

Along the way I met, fear, uncertainty and insecurity; the voices that torture me with the constant chitter chatter in my mind that tells me I am not enough and will never be enough. I met my father and my abusive ex who spewed the venomous words that have crippled me for so long. I faced myself at the present moment in time, who I was at thirty and most importantly I met myself at age seven when my life changed course directly through the actions of another.

I did none of this alone and was guided and nudged gently along the way by love and support at my side, letting me know I would be alright, I was safe, no one could hurt me and I was free to say what had to be said.

I screamed.

I screamed for the voices to be quite.
I screamed for the voices to shut the fuck up.
I screamed for the little girl who no-one protected.
I screamed at those who should have protected me.

I cried.

I cried for the little girl left with the mess of another.
I cried for the woman I became.
I cried for the hurt that I have carried for so long.
I cried for the pain that has never been addressed.

I spoke.

I spoke to myself at seven, letting her know that she was safe, that no-one could hurt her anymore.
I spoke to myself at thirty, letting her know I was sorry for allowing her to become what she did.
I spoke to myself in the present moment and let her know it was okay to let all of this go, that we no longer had to carry it anymore.

I hugged.

I hugged myself at seven and told myself that I loved myself.
I hugged myself at thirty and let myself know I was okay.
I hugged myself in the present moment, releasing the past of it’s grip on me.

Resolution.
Healing.

When the scenario was complete and I came back to the present moment in time I was shocked to find myself in a peaceful state of mind, a state that tapped into the hope that had been pushed down so long allowing me to see a vision of my life free from these wounds that had been formed so long ago.

I found the freedom that was within me waiting for me to reclaim it.

———–

If you enjoyed this post you may also enjoy the following……….

~The Process of Becoming
~The Spaces In-Between
~Love Falling
~Magic Shoes
~Simply Beautiful
~ It takes Courag e

When in Doubt

2008-06-27T08:00:00.002-04:00

I have been clean and in the process of recovery for close to three years now. Who I am today resembles very little of who I was when I first made the decision to find a new way to live; yet there are the aspects of my emotional character formed during my active addiction, that still exist within me today as tendencies that have the capacity to flare up when faced with an emotional tidal wave.

My experience within the realm of personal recovery has allowed me a unique opportunity to discover who I am at the core of my being permitting me to realize that the choice of who I want to be at any given moment is solely my responsibility.

But still after all this time, I still become doubtful.

Fearful.
Uncertain.
Confused.

I understand that life in moments will present me with the opportunity to change and redefine the current circumstances that are before me, most often occurring in moments of doubt. When the unexpected gray storms of life bear down into my experience resulting in an explosive moment, in which I find myself fully and completely face to face with who I used to be.

Change is a process that is constantly occurring and my responsibility in it’s process is to decide which way I will change; For the better or for the worse.

There are times when I take steps forward and embrace the aspects of change that allow me to be a better person, but there are also time when I consciously decide to take several steps backwards; allowing the limitations of my past to reveal themselves in the present moment in time. But which still ultimately allow me to surrender another level of who I am and who I have been, so that I can again choose who I want to be.

There are many layers delicately weaved through the whole of who I am; some are courser, filled with tangles and knots, making them more of a challenge to unravel. But as each new experience, each new awareness, each new realization comes before me, I find myself strangely empowered and capable of surrendering a part of myself that has offered me nothing more then the same it always has.

I become more then I believed possible, releasing those tiny sparks of hope that were the very same flickers of light that led me to the process of recovery…

That led me to the path.
That led me to the journey.
That led me to the person I am.

That within every struggle, challenge, achievement, success or moment of doubt allows me to define who I want to be. From the darkness of the storms of life, I am able to choose from the rainbow of possibilities the person I am and the life I want to live.

Unique Sporting Goods

2008-06-27T08:00:00.001-04:00

Wanna hear something awesome? I want to tell you about a cool street skating combination of board and skates. It is unlike any other skateboard or skating experience I’ve ever heard of. The Xlider provides an outstanding aerobic exercise for the rider. Due to the lateral movement made when riding, leg and abdominal muscles are strengthened and hips and waist regions are toned to the max. You can find it at this sporting goods store. They also make these cool lace locks.

Mental Sketches

2008-06-04T13:39:00.000-04:00

I remember a time before the prominent ideas and beliefs that have shaped the life I have lived were not present.

Before any seeds of ideas would grow into my own.
Before any beliefs became firmly planted in my mind.
Before the limitations of others became the very experience of my life.

Somewhere in the span of time between then and now I find that the power I had within me as a child is something that has been pushed down into the deepest parts of my being, patiently waiting for the point in time when I would recognize this aspect of myself again.

When I would start embracing the power of believing again..

The many concepts that composed my beliefs became weakened from the weight of inconsistencies they had been built upon. This foundation of my life eventually crumbling into a million shards of half truths and lies allowing me the ultimate opportunity to free myself from the chaos and confusion that had grown into a self made prison

Into the deepest, darkest corners of my being I traveled to discover all I held to be true offered no validity in relation to life I was living. I became willing to fully and completely let go of the aspects of myself that had served only to keep me trapped in a life of limitations. I took accountability for the role I would play within my life, I took responsibility for the person I had been, was and….

I found the courage to be the woman I am today..

Read more of this post......

The process of becoming

2008-05-22T09:42:00.002-04:00

Everyday I sit on a bench surrounded by this great big trimmed hedge in my mothers garden, sipping my coffee and slowly introducing myself to the new day. I love to sit and feel the Sun’s gentle morning kiss upon my face as the sweet, milky flavor of the coffee rolls on my tongue.

I take as much time as necessary allowing myself to fully absorb the beauty all around me as I search out every color of the rainbow in the garden….

The red that explodes on the petals of the impatients.
The orange tinge outlining the edges of the sunflowers.
The yellow of tall wild yarrow.
The green of the leaves that sway in the wind.
The blue of the bright morning sky.
The violet that peeks out of the lavender bushes that perfumes the air.

As of late, each new day presents another lost color, another wilted stem and the reality of winters fast approach, as mother nature begin preparing for her last dance of color in her magnificent display of the autumn season.

The bees that buzz around, fight over the last of the flowers that adorn that garden. Covered in pollen they covet this precious commodity, knowing full well this is the end of the supply till the next spring makes it’s grand entrance.

The Butterflies….they dance.

Flower to flower.
Tree to tree.
Leaf to leaf.

Wherever the next breeze guides them.

A vibrant display of the grand design of the universe, delicately painted upon their wings as they playfully, float and flutter in the wind. A carefree lesson of life is what I feel as I watch them waltzing through the air. Their fragile beauty, a potent source of strength for my inner spirit as I embrace the wonder and awe they present to me.

Their time as butterflies is short and the process that leads them to themselves is one of absolute transformation.

They don’t begin this life as the beautiful exquisite creatures they are…they begin as something else. A little spot on a leaf is how their life begins, from here they emerge as little worms: caterpillars munching away at the life source around them. They grow by shedding layers of skin, different layers of their existence, until at one point this skin, becomes the home for their next transformation.

Even today it is not know fully how a butterfly comes about. Housed within a shell of itself…..it completely liquefies, then slowly reorganizes itself, transforming into the delicate, dancing delight that floats about.

As of late I feel such a connection with these butterflies I see gliding before me. They show me, without words…the power of transformation. The power of releasing myself of what I was..the power of allowing myself and my beliefs to liquefy in the here and now…the power of permitting myself to become more then I can conceive.

Who I am, who I was and who I want to be are all part of the same.

Each contributes to the other, melting away and yielding as they they liquefying. No longer separate beliefs, ideas or experiences…but all parts of the whole of who I am.

The butterfly isn’t a new creature, it always is the same caterpillar it began this life with. It carries with it always, the parts of itself it has shed. All the pieces and every experience becomes the catalyst for it’s transformation. Without it’s past contributing to it’s future self…..it would be impossible for it to be what it is.

An expression of choice, freedom, awareness and total self-acceptance of every aspect of its being….

Dancing in the wind, it flutters gently around the very edge of my consciousness. It’s beauty a delicate reminder of who I really am. A way for me to recognize the truth of the opportunity I have in each moment to embrace all the aspect of myself in a silent surrender of healing to become the absolute and magnificent creatures I am.

If you liked this post...you may also enjoy....

~The Spaces In-Between
~Love Falling
~Magic Shoes
~The Bigger Picture

Quality you can trust

2008-05-08T08:29:00.002-04:00

Just about anybody can offer up diamonds that you can put into an engagement ring, but only Danforth Diamond has diamonds that make truly beautiful engagement rings. With every shape and only the best cuts, the only thing you'll have to figure out when you shop with Danforth Diamond is whether to get your wedding rings the same day or to wait. Go ahead and check them out, see all of the combinations you can make, and pick out the ring that will make her say yes over and over again.

Smoke is gone....

2008-05-08T08:28:00.000-04:00

I awoke this morning knowing full well that the decision I had made in regards to becoming a full time non-smoker was an intention I would do my best to fulfill. I still have my morning rituals….

Get up.
Brush teeth.
Beeline for the coffee.

And then I used to smoke, smoke, smoke, smoke, smoke.

The funny thing about changing or breaking a habit of any kind is the realization of how much of my time it actually occupied. That realization came about when I had stopped using heroin as well, initailly I just wasn’t aware of all the time and energy I had expended towards this particular aspect…

Until it was no longer there.

There is a part of me that just wants to light up for old times sake….just smoke ONE more, then I’ll quit. Famous last thoughts of a person addicted to something. Overall I feel okay, I don’t feel anxious or edgy, if anything I feel excited that I took the first step towards a life free from this crutch.

It all began with cigarettes.

When I was in high school I was shy, insecure and I found that sneaking off behind the high school with a few friends to smoke cigarettes offered me an instant “in” with those I viewed as being “cool”. It sounds so silly and childish now, but at the time it was the only straw of acceptance that I felt I could grasp.

If others accepted me then I felt I could then accept myself.

My early adult life was built on this premise of outwards acceptance of myself through others, an idea that holds no weight in contrast to the truth that any and all acceptance must come from within. I haven’t thought about some of the ideas I rolled into the little tobacco cigarettes all those years ago, but I do see that some stuff is becoming clearer……

Now that the smoke is gone.

Mantles or Mantels?

2008-05-08T08:27:00.000-04:00

When you're looking to remodel a fireplace, the only place you should look is Agee Woodworks. Their ability to build you a beautiful and customized fireplace mantle that is perfectly suited to your needs is second to none, and are sure to add a special something to your house. Take a look at their site to decide which of their numerous options is best for you and your home, then give them a call and get them working on the latest addition to your home. I'm sure you won't be disappointed. And one thing I found very interesting is should you spell it mantle or mantel? They even had the answer!

A fork in the road

2008-05-05T09:49:00.000-04:00

Lately I have been reflecting quite a bit upon where I was two years ago…where I was last year and comparing these two pasts to where I stand in this present point in time. It has been quite a journey so far and I can’t imagine that it would get any less interesting as time goes on.

When I finally made the decision to get and stay clean no matter what, I started my first footsteps upon a path I had never ventured forth upon. I understand today it was a fork in the road of my life that was always available to me, but one that I did not have the courage to travel.

That road was one that would lead me to me…it was my road home.

The last two and a half years have been spent diligently working on the aspects of myself that served no purpose in me discovering who I was at the core of my being. Initially it was about remaining abstinent from any and all mind or mood altering substances (Which also includes alcohol folks!) but through the course of time I realized it was about so much more.

It was about loving myself.
it was about forgiving myself.

It became a journey that would allow me to embrace all the aspects of myself…

The good.
The bad.
And all that lay in-between.

So much of my life has been dictated by the observations of what I labeled good or bad and then by shaping myself around them. It was only when I began to discover all that existed in-between that I began to truly, fully and completely begin the process of understanding who it is that I have been, who I want to be and who I will become as I continue forward.

At some point I began to cross that invisible threshold of beliefs I held and began to imagine the possibilities that life could offer me, if I would become willing to dream again. I slowly but surely began to untangle myself from the web of lies that have kept me a prisoner of self for so long. I realized that my life was my responsibility.

No one could heal my hurts.
No one could take away my pain.
No one could do for me what I had to do for myself.

Find me.

I have no illusions that this is a journey with any specific destination, but I do know that the more I continue to push forward, despite my fear and uncertainty….more will be revealed.

With the initial overhaul of my life last year, I began to set in motion circumstances, situation, events and opportunities that nudged me forward bit by bit to the present point in time. Now with my new beliefs coupled with the results they have produced come forth a totally new experience of living.

A life that I never thought possible….for me.

The foundation that I have build in the past year has allowed me now to begin to start dreaming of new possibilities for my life as well as the freedom that can come along with some new changes.

Tomorrow, I stop smoking cigarettes.

I have been smoking for well over 19 years of my life. I have had some short term abstinence from smoking, but have not yet fully surrendered to this one vice. It’s been a crutch of sorts for as long as I can remember and with any crutch I have learned that it only supports aspects that don’t work to full capacity.

Honestly, I have some fear.

Can I really truly become an official non-smoker?

Doubt loves to linger in my mind and tell me that I will fail, even before I try. But I have some solid reference points that tell me in certain terms that certainty of the outcome is stronger than any doubt that wants to tell me what I set out to do…can’t be done.

I have allowed myself to realize that if I truly love myself and seek to better myself, by continuing to smoke I am going against the grain of this belief. If I care about myself…I wouldn’t be trying to kill myself slowly with cigarettes.

I let go of the needle.
I let go of the heroin.
I let go of old ideas and beliefs that did not serve my higher self.

The results of these simple things have offered me a way of life I never thought possible and the hope I have in relation to becoming a non-smoker fuels my desire to quit.

Another story, another challenge another fork in my road.

New Windows / Lower Heating Bill

2008-04-30T08:08:00.001-04:00

The winter months can seem more than a little long at times. In addition to the drab chill outside, it seems that every year my heating bill was getting higher and higher on the inside. A friend I was talking to had an old home and old windows, and used Creative Energy’s expert advice to save money. Creative Energy (of Richmond VA) windows not only saved my friend after they were installed, but they also save them monthly on their heating expenses. During the summer months, the windows kept the house cool as well. I never knew that poor windows could cost me more per year than simply replacing the windows. I searched the entire area of Richmond, VA for windows and found Creative Energy. They were able to come to my home and estimate the amount of money it would cost me to replace my windows. I knew immediately I would save money.

The work done by Creative Energy was quick, clean and perfect. After my windows were replaced, I noticed that Creative Energy Exteriors dealt with sunrooms too and I immediately decided to extend my space to include that too. This summer I am going to love the lower cooling bills and the extra space my windows and sunroom extension provides.
Check them out online at http://www.creativeenergyexteriors.com.

Another online casino site.....

2008-04-30T07:42:00.003-04:00

If you like playing blackjack, roulette, craps and other online casino games then there is another online casinos site that accepts all American states with no restrictions that you may want to take a look at. USA online casinos many different casino sites for players to explore.

Choose from Italian, French, German, Spanish, Swedish or Danish online casinos, that all welcome US players. Many of the casinos offer big bonus casinos, free casinos, no deposit casinos, flash casinos, wireless casinos. If your into slots or bingo you also have a variety of sites to choose from Some also offer a new player sign in bonus as an incentive to those willing to give the casino a whirl.
If you into online gaming site, USA online casinos offers a variety of games to entertain people from all over the world.

Seeds of Hope

2008-04-30T07:37:00.001-04:00

As the world around me awakens from the deep frozen slumber of winter gray, I watch as the world around me is nudged back to life with each delicate brush stroke painted by Mother Nature upon this canvas of life.

I see that I too, have also begun to awaken in a spectacular display of self as the guiding force of the universe continues to gently caress the seeds of hope I planted, as they continually blossom into the life I live today.

It was this time last year that the beliefs I held about life in all it’s glory began to unravel within me, the threads of my sanity twisting and turning in the constant winds of change.

In the midst of this inner turmoil, I began to question myself, my life and everything I held to be true.

The life I worked so hard to build crumbled and fell apart and I was offered the ultimate opportunity that many never embrace within the contrasts of their own lives….

A chance to redefine my life.
A chance to recreate my life.

A chance to discover who I was at the core of my being.

I am so grateful for the way that life unfolded before me and more so that I jumped into the seemingly chaotic pit of despair, to finally and once and for all find relief from the one constant in this life that has never allowed me to feel at ease.

The constant that never felt pretty enough.
The constant that never felt smart enough.
The constant that secretly despised life.
The constant that felt abandoned.
The constant that felt unloved.
The constant that felt alone.
The constant that had tried to absolutely destroy herself time and time again.

The constant that was me..and within me, I found me.

The good.
The bad.
The indifferent.

It was when I gave myself permission, for a moment in time to let go of all these observations, labels, ideas and beliefs that I had dragged with me, did I realize that the stories they carried with them had only served to keep me trapped in a mold of incompletion that was nothing of who I was, am or meant to be.

I found freedom from me.

The process of a miracle I initiated within my own life led me out of the prison of self I had been trapped within for so long. I allowed myself to risk it all to discover once and for all if life was anything more then the struggle, pain and sacrifice I believed it to be.

The uncertainty that disguised itself as fear at the time was not as powerful as my determination to venture forth upon the path of cosmic stepping stones before me. I discovered that it was me and only me that had the power to be more that I had allowed myself to be.

I took responsibility for me.

This began as a thirty day experiment in which I challenged myself on every level possible to discover if anything was possible…and that tiny spark of hope became the very seeds of life that would free me from the limitations I had lived within for so long.

It’s a few months shy of a year since this all began and I can only say that from where stand in the present time…my life today is nothing short of miraculous. Those tiny seeds of hope I planted have sprouted from within the core of my being and my life is the living, breathing manifestation those seeds….

Dream.
Laugh.
Love.

Believe.

Look of the Year

2008-04-25T08:30:00.006-04:00

If you have the winning looks of a model then join Look of the year and have a chance to win up to $10000 USD. This is a unique worldwide beauty contest, that allows the young beautiful men and women from around the world to join in on this beauty contest.

The judges are not a panel of a selected few, but people from around the world that vote each participant based upon their profile. There will be a winner from each selected category Girls 14-19 Women 19+ Boys 14-19 Men 19.

Let the world decide who the next model will be. Look of the Year will announce the four winners of this online beauty contest December 31, 2008. So if you think you have the looks to be the next winner, join today!

Home Improvement Products

2008-04-23T20:56:00.000-04:00

Anybody can offer to help you get the cabinets you want for your kitchen and bathroom, but only Accent Building Products can do it at a great price and with amazing customer service that will have you coming back every time you're looking to upgrade your home. Whether you're in the market for new kitchen cabinets or glass block showers for your bathroom, Accent Building can help. They have something for your dining room, your kitchen, and your bathrooms. Check out their selection today and I'm sure you'll have them help you with your next home improvement project.

Spiritual Muscle

2008-04-23T20:50:00.003-04:00

I forget that in the moment my little fears and petty frustrations are just my spiritual muscles working out…

Flexing.

I have lived most of my life running back and forth between two points for something, anything to take away my inner discontent. My world reduced to the situations and events experienced between those points.

An illusion I painted…one I’ve clung to..one that has kept me trapped.

Before anything can expand…first it must contract.

I have been very caught up in fear and uncertainty…confusing one with the other, although they don’t even by definition mean the same thing.

Fear causes my world to contract.
Uncertainty forces it to expand.

Each and every time I go through my “moments” of inner turmoil I have come to realize it’s part of my spiritual workout.

Fear is the treadmill of the past I run upon.
Sadness the heavy dumbells I lift again and again.
Doubt the strain in my ab muscles working through the pain.

Anger the burning desire to become spiritually fit…the fire from within that allows me to shed the years of emotional “weight” I have carried disgused as my beliefs for way too many years.

Uncertainty…..knowing that the possibilities for who I want to be are as endless as the deep dark of the midnight sky.

No pain…No gain.

My world is expanding before me as I flex my newly formed muscles.

Summer Jobs

2008-04-23T09:35:00.001-04:00

Save your summer with a cool new job
Do you plan on going on vacation this summer? What about just to the movies? No matter where you plan on hanging out – whether it’s at the beach or at the local mall – you’re going to need some cash. So why not hook up with teen summer jobs now before all the good ones are gone? SnagAJob.com is the fastest and easiest place to find the perfect summer jobs for you. All you have to do is plug your ZIP code into their easy job search tool, and they’ll show you jobs in your area. Plus, SnagAJob.com also has a job search advice blog that will answer all your summer job questions.

Planting fields of my life

2008-04-23T09:31:00.002-04:00

My sister has this amazing piece of property filled with a rainbow array of flowers randomly scattered throughout her front yard. She has two small children, a schedule filled with play dates, a job and no time to do much of anything else.

But with a garden of any type…it must be tended.

Outside and alone in the quiet of the afternoon I chopped away at the dense poison ivy that snaked through the undergrowth and spiraled up the various trees. Pulled out the multitude of weeds that had grown so high that they were begining to topple under their own weight. From beneath the bushes I raked at the dried lifeless leaves trapped in the tangle of it all.

A few garbage bags later, a lot of sweat and dirt I had cleared away a small section. Taking off the gloves I wore, I began digging my hands into the dark, moist soil feeling my way for the roots that burrowed deep into the dirt. I had to remove what was growing below or the weeds… they would come back.

I needed to feel what I was trying to remove.

I needed to feel the resistance to know the proper way to pull them up.

I needed to feel the disgust in the discovery of the many insects that revealed themselves and the relief as they skittered away and burrowed back down into the dark soil.

After a few hours I had pulled out many of the roots that grew down into the earth but not all of them. Some were so thick and embedded, that only a little bit at a time could be removed. And others hid beneath the soil would not be found until they started to grow.

When I finished for the day I sat on the front stoop and looked at the area from afar. The flowers that had been lost in the overgrowth now stood smiling up at the lazy afternoon sun. With the weeds gone, there was room to plant new seeds and bulbs for the following season . It was a brand canvas for Mother nature to paint her pictures of beauty on.

It was a new planting field for life.

Before I walked out of my job several months ago…my life was very much like my sisters front yard. An overgrown tangle of poison infecting every aspect of my being, destroying anything I saw as beautiful

In the garden of my life…the weeds grew.

I was disappointed at the life I was living and I allowed my anger to root itself firmly in the fertile soil of my being. The anger grew quickly with the blame I placed on others for the conditions of my life at the time.

I was disgusted with myself but held everyone else accountable. One person in particular, an easy target for my misplaced anger…

My boss.

My anger at the time had already began to sprout as the resentments I felt towards him.

The blame.

The hate.

The sacrifice.

The struggle.

The absolute disappointment of the world at large, package neatly in the form of one person. Everything that was wrong in my life at that time somehow and in someway all led back to him…or so I told myself.

It took a little while before I became willing to really take a look at the situation to discover it was nothing that I thought it was. In this process I have learned that situations and circumstances always look different the moment I make the choice to be…

Responsible for me.

I had known where I stood at the job for some time; I just wouldn’t accept it. My boss had become the stone of my life I was trying to squeeze blood from. I allowed the anger I felt at the unfairness of it all distort the situation into something it wasn’t…

I allowed my garden to grow out of control.

I no longer saw the person who made me laugh.

The person who would ask if I was okay.

The person that would call to say they were worried about me.

The person who would give me a hug when I desperately needed one.

Yesterday I receive a call and an e-mail from my old boss inquiring how I was doing . I haven’t heard a peep from this man since I walked out of my job over 3 months ago. The first thing that went through my mind was,

” What the f*ck does he want”?

Before I left the job, he and I had a huge blow out and we haven’t spoken since. At that point in time he was another piece in the picture puzzle of disappointment that was my world. For a while I held onto the resentment I felt towards him unable to release myself from it’s deceptive grip.

Through this process I have learned the importance of choosing what it is I would like to have grow in the garden of my life…I have no room for anger or the resentments that beg to grow.

It’s always there, waiting in the deep dark soil for it’s opportunity to spread.

I choose to e-mail him back and to be honest about where I was at…although I must admit a part of me wanted to dig up old past hurts and have them grow in the present. But I just can’t live like that anymore. I cannot afford the time or energy feeding aspects of myself that will destroy the beauty I want my life to consist of.

I am responsible for my world.

My actions.

My behaviors.

My reactions and responses.

I no longer choose these aspects that grown into a garden of resentments.

My pain.

My disappointments.

My hurts.

These seeds have their roots in my garden. I do not have the right to harvest them in anyone else’s. I do not have the right to try and infect others with their poisons.

At times it’s difficult, there are moments I still want to blame others to have them feel my misplaced pain…but I know the old familiar lies.

They leave no room for anything new.

They leave no room for the beauty of what can grow.

When I checked my e-mails yesterday there was another message from him

…in it he said how proud he was of me.

The beautiful blossoms of forgiveness, compassion, hope, peace and love; for today these are the only seeds I choose to plant in the garden of my life.

Drug Rehabilitation

2008-04-22T23:04:00.004-04:00

The approach to addiction has evolved significantly in the past several years. As the problem of addiction has become more prevalent within society, the necessity for more effective treatment to the problem of addiction has become the primary focus of many drug rehabs and/or alcohol rehab.

Many drug treatment facilities have incorporated new types of treatment options as well as alternative health care like acupuncture, herbs, massage therapy and integrating holistic medical practitioners in the treatment process. It is important to realize that drug addiction is not a physical problem only. For many people it is paramount to treat all facets of this disease that manifests in other areas such as the emotional , mental and spiritual aspects of this disorder.

Drug and alcohol addiction ruins lives and have the potential to kill those afflicted with it. But those that head down these paths of self destruction are usually the last to realize that they have a problem. The path to recovery begins often with the admission that one has a problem with a particular substance, from here all the help is available to those that genuinely wish to find relief from their addiction. It takes great courage to make this admission, but it has been realized that those that can commit to the honest admission that they need help....often find out that in their journey to recovery they are not alone.

Those that find themselves in the grips of an addiction of any kind have more resources available to help guide them into the process of recovery. There are many facilities that specialize in drug rehabilitation, alcohol rehabilitation, addiction treatment programs and detox. It's important to find such a place that can offers privacy, a recovery based atmosphere and a qualified staff are factors that play a crucial role in helping to guide someone in the early stages of recovery.

Those addicted tend to lose themselves in grips of active addiction. Addiction distorts rational thought, and often leads the addict to destroy everything around themselves....including themselves. But those that wish to find a new way to live can fins hope in the path of recovery that many others have ventured forth onto and who live drug and alcohol free lives.

If you or someone you love is lost in the haze of drug dependency of any kind, don't sit idle and wait for them to get the help they need. Nudge them in the direction that they may be unable to go in. There are millions of people on the road to recovery who find the freedom to live there life free from the grips, when they choose to get help. If you need help ask for it...you are not alone and there are people willing to help you in the initial stages

Help is available...recovery is possible.

A Matching Pair

2008-04-15T09:38:00.002-04:00

Why go through the hassle of finding an amazing engagement ring and then have to go shop elsewhere for your wedding ring? Fortunately, thanks to Danforth Diamond, you don't have to worry about it. They're selection of diamonds, wedding rings, and engagement rings is second to none, and with wedding ring and engagement rings sets, you can be sure to get a wedding ring that matches her engagement ring perfectly. Why keep shopping when Danforth Diamond has everything you need? Exactly. Check them out today and I'm sure you won't be sorry.

Undone

2008-04-14T14:42:00.000-04:00

Writing has been the one constant in my life for as long as I can remember. No matter what I always had a way to sort through the confusion of my mind with the map of freedom my words provided me with.

But recently that has stopped, I haven’t been writing, I haven’t allowed myself to sort through the thoughts. I haven’t taken the time to navigate the moment and have allowed myself to wander into the wonder and awe of all the amazing events that have transpired throughout the past several months and now…

I feel stuck.

Emotionally.
Mentally.
Spiritually.

I keep questioning myself if this life I am living now…Is this what I really want?

Maybe this is all part of the growing pains of a new relationship.
Maybe the way I am feeling is natural.
But maybe it’s more then that.

I look at the the wonderful home I am living in with my new love, the garden I am creating, the life I thought I wanted so badly and yet something just doesn’t feel right. Something keeps nagging at me, something inside is trying to get me to notice what I am terrified to admit.

That maybe this isn’t where I want to be at all.

I am questioning everything and cannot seem to find an answer to soothe the inner turmoil that has been threatening to bubble over and out of me in a cascade of tears. I feel so powerless in the grips of my emotions at the moment. I don’t know what to do, what to say or even how I really feel. The one thing I know for certain is ….

I want to run.

I don’t want to feel the way I am feeling.
I don’t want to admit I may have been wrong.
I don’t want to admit that I may have gotten in over my head.
I don’t want to participate in my life.

I know that through this process of life when inner resistance starts to pull me in fifty different directions all at once, I’m typically avoiding something.

That something is me.

After all the growth.
After all the accomplishments.
After all the struggles.
After all the awareness.

After it all, I always in someway, shape or form discover that I am still afraid to be me fully and completely. I should know by now that any inner contentment is only as short lived as my constant desire for personal growth. After it all, I know that growth stems from these very seeds of fear and uncertainty and it sprouts from the million and one questions that each and every experience brings forth.

I know all this yet, I still want to run, thinking that my freedom is something that can be found somewhere far from here and far away from me. In the past I have found so many different ways avoid myself and I do my very best not to play into those old ideas. But the tendencies will always lay dormant within me waiting for the moment to spring forth from my consciousness to entice me with their lies of another life, another me, another chance…… if I just run.

But I won’t.
I can’t.

I have run for much of my life in the constant search for myself that I know that it only exists in this moment.

Right here.
Right now.

In the midst of the inner resistance that is pulling me apart at the seams, old ideas and belies are in the process of coming undone and in the midst of it all….

So am I.

It’s Cool to be Green

2008-04-14T14:41:00.001-04:00

You’ve wanted to adopt a company recycling program but have resisted because of the junky look those big recycling containers have, right? Today, it’s cool to be Green and the recycling containers at BuyRecycledProducts.com can help you retain your dignity while doing your part for the planet. They’ve got a great selection of indoor office recycling stations and even big outdoor recycling containers. You can even have your own business logo applied to your office recycling bins. The friendly associates at BuyRecycledProducts.com are more than happy to help you customize a recycling solution that’s perfect for your business.