The Professor Speaks The Truth

Hebetude

noreply@blogger.com (Joe Ferrari!) — Fri, 07 Aug 2009 05:13:00 +0000

The easiest way
To reach any young man's heart
Is made with lasers.

Here we are on the eve of another series of molestations of my childhood. G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra is upon us and, for those that grew up watching the cartoon, these next few nights will be filled with constant weeping. When I was but a boy, I had my favorite Joes. Each of my friends did. Each of the Joes had unique knowledge and abilities that made them an essential part of the team. Some personal faves included the always-balaclavaed Beach Head, the bazooka-toting Zap (because bazookas go "zap"?) and the well-protected Grand Slam who, according to Wikipedia, is "intelligent and loves to read escapist fantasy." Of course he does, Wikipedia.

However, for some inexplicable reason, the movie has removed these individual traits and outfits, instead having all of the Joes wear super bionic suits that give them the ability to... fly through buildings and bounce off cars? Sure, the characters still have their trademark names, but there's not going to be some fella in a sailor suit with a parrot on his shoulder hanging out in the background. And that, my friends, is a travesty. If there's one thing that set G.I.Joe apart from the other cartoons, it was the broad diversity of the soldiers. It was the most dangerous rainbow coalition. Now... now it's just another action movie. That makes me sad. If you're going to steal your ideas from mid-80's cartoon programming, Hollywood, it would do you well to stick to the source material.

That being said, I still might see this movie on opening weekend. Knowing is half the battle. The other half, I guess, is ignoring what you know.

A side note! Two movies are opening this weekend: G.I. Joe and A Perfect Getaway. The trailers for both movies claim thy will "blow me away." I hope that these movies are playing across from each other, and the ushers have to clean a pile of blown-away movie-goers from the hallway every two hours.

In other news, Ferrari McSpeedy's return to Fringe has been exciting and fresh, and will be ending with quite the bang. We're bringing Punk Rock Omaha back for one show only on Sunday at 1pm at the Rarig Center Thrust. As an added bonus, we're not changing it one bit from its 2002 incarnation. Take that, Hollywood!

Desultory

noreply@blogger.com (Joe Ferrari!) — Tue, 04 Aug 2009 05:12:00 +0000

Five cups of coffee
Drunk not consecutively
But concurrently.

'Tis late in the eve, yet I have forgone posting a missive for several nights already. The drought ends now! Words, pour forth!

- The Fringe festival is well underway. Mike and I have performed Comedy Go! twice now. The first one was good and fun. The second one was even more so. If this trend continues, our fifth show on Sunday afternoon will be so good and fun that it'll feel like Jesus camp. Appropriate? Most likely.

- Sophie the baby has taken in recent weeks to crawling, which is a larger lifestyle change for the wife and me than just having a baby. The other weekend, I spent countless hours taking CDs from their normal resting place (askew on the entertainment center shelves) into their new homes inside a multitude of white boxes that are now placed non-askewly on the entertainment center shelves. The process took so long mostly because I put the CDs into alphabetical order, a punishment that I wouldn't wish upon my worst frenemy. Since I completed the task of organizing and storing the CDs, I have since found rogue CDs hidden in various locales around my house: under chairs, on random bookshelves, in the tank of out toilet... If there's one thing I've learned from this whole episode: never organize your things.

- If you cut hair for a living and you notice that your customer's ear has a bit of fuzz growing on it, you should ASK before just buzzing it off. Maybe he was growing that for a reason.

- R2 D2 is back, in boom-box form. See, folks? This is "art." Are we clear?

- It's bedtime.

Sapid

noreply@blogger.com (Joe Ferrari!) — Wed, 29 Jul 2009 00:38:00 +0000

It's not the flavor
That always leaves us wanting;
It's the memory.

In a scant couple of days, I'll be returning to the Fringe Festival with the other half of Ferrari McSpeedy in an all-improvised show called "Comedy Go!" It's been a while since I've participated in the Fringe Fest, and I am... how should I put this... "jazzed." There's a certain attraction to the Fringe - perhaps it's the multitude of D.I.Y. shows that explode around town, or the looks on the faces of audience members that just saw a show that they were not expecting to see, or just the increased chances of running into Leslie Ball. Whatever it is, it's almost upon us, and that's quite agreeable.

You know what else is agreeable? The fat that blue M&Ms might prevent spinal injury. It's a fact! I'm glad that a possible solution to the health care crisis might involve increased candy consumption. With news like this, the U.S. might go from the fattest nation in the world to the most health conscious without a single change in habits.

More on the Fringe and other assorted funneries tomorrow.

-Joe

P.S. - If you're on the Twitter, I recommend following twitter.com/RexHardjaw. Why not?

Returnination!

noreply@blogger.com (Joe Ferrari!) — Tue, 28 Jul 2009 02:36:00 +0000

The sun settles low
And as shadows creep along
A year passes by.

The other day, President Obama was sworn in...

Wait a minute! That happened half a year ago!

Apologies for the complete lack of blogging. I am destined to return to it. Starting now. Well, mayhaps starting tomorrow.

Inaugurating!

noreply@blogger.com (Joe Ferrari!) — Wed, 21 Jan 2009 19:37:00 +0000

The masses gather -
Swarming the Capitol lawns
And pooping freedom.

Well, we've finally made it to (and beyond!) the day that we all (or most) have been waiting for: the inauguration of Barack Obama. I, like a true Patriot, watched the inauguration live on three different television channels - you know: to limit the amount of bias from a single-station news-viewing. I drank nothing but Americanos and ate nothing but Freedom Fries for the entire day. I finally got around to drilling many holes in many pieces of wood. It was truly a great Inauguration Day.

There was one thing that had me a little sad about the day's events, however. It seemed as though the millions of people watching in Washington DC (and at various locales throughout the US - thank you, news outlets, for showing me how other regular people watched the inauguration) had a case of Obama-fever. That's all well and good, except for the fact that the crowd was unresponsive to anything that wasn't Obama related. Jimmy Carter's introduction? Met with silence. The appearance of the Bush twins? No response. Joe Biden's oath of office? Nothing but shrugs and sighs. If it wasn't Barack-related, it didn't deserve the crowd's attention. I felt bad, mostly for Joe Biden, that the President's rockstar status overshadowed the rest of the pomp and circumstance. Yeah, he's great and all, but there are a few other people doing things, people. Let's take note of them too.

Or don't. Whatev.

Anywho, I should be off. I need to bake a batch of cupcakes for all the new Congresspeople. Before I depart, here's Today's Joke:
On Day One, Obama orders new ethics rules, summons military, economic chiefs to White House
In a Day One burst of activity, President Barack Obama stepped into the Oval Office for the first time as chief executive Wednesday, summoned advisers to begin dealing with war and recession and ordered new ethics rules for "a clean break from business as usual."
Obama also froze salaries for top White House staff, placed calls to Mideast leaders and had aides circulate a draft executive order that would close the detention center at Guantanamo Bay within a year.
According to most experts, we can expect the next five days to be filled with incredible activity from the Obama White House. On the seventh day, he will rest.

Huzzah!

Snowlimate!

noreply@blogger.com (Joe Ferrari!) — Mon, 19 Jan 2009 23:19:00 +0000

Let us go sledding
Right from the snowy hill's peak
To the hospital.

'Tis Monday, 'tisn't it? Apologies for the late missive. The wife had a day off from work, so today was family fun day. Nothing wrong with that, except for the resulting delayed blogging.

Anywho, this weekend was a jam-packed one. The cold snap finally broke, meaning that those out-of-door activities (such as shoveling, walking the dog, and generally not being inside) could resume. On Saturday, we hopped down to Burnsville (the town that's always on fire... with excitement!) to watch my little brother get married. Congrats to the happy couple! Sunday saw a return of errand-running and other assorted funnery that Friday could not handle. Today was just there for us to breathe.

Tomorrow? Why, tomorrow is a new day. A day that many will celebrate and some will rue. I'm excited not to see Obama become President, but to watch everyone else react to his Presidency. I'm not certain that Barack will be able to immediately change the world for the better, but those millions that think he can just might. I'll be watching intently.

Sadly, I should be off. I need to capitalize on these passing holiday hours whilst I still can. Before I depart, here's Today's Joke:
Sources: Obama may quickly reverse abortion policy
President-elect Barack Obama is considering issuing an executive order to reverse a controversial Bush administration abortion policy in his first week in office, three Democratic sources said Monday.
The sources said Obama may use the occasion to reverse the "Mexico City policy" reinstated in 2001 by Bush that prohibits U.S. money from funding international family planning groups that promote abortion or provide information, counseling or referrals about abortion services. It bans any organization receiving family planning funds from the U.S. Agency for International Development from offering abortions or abortion counseling.
Sources also say that Obama is considering other actions to reverse Bush's policies. He may, within his first one hundred days, reverse the upper-class tax cuts that Bush put into place during his Presidency. Obama is also thinking about an immediate withdrawal of troops from both Iraq and Afghanistan. Finally, Obama has been inquiring about the feasibilty of renaming all shrubbery "Baracks" and removing "W" from the American English accent, replacing it with a fist bump.
"It's time for the fistbump-orld to move on from Bush's reign of ineptitude," Obama said in a brief interview. "Come fistbump-ith me and live in hope once again."
Obama then flew out of the room and stopped an asteroid from crashing into Earth.

Huzzah!

Caladutia!

noreply@blogger.com (Joe Ferrari!) — Fri, 16 Jan 2009 18:34:00 +0000

If you don't learn from
History, you can play it
In video games.

Apologies for the lack of blogs this week. I had a writing deadline for the BNW, which meant that I had reschedule my missive-making time. Well, that's my excuse for the first half of the week. Thursday, being the first day with free time penciled in, was spent hanging with the kid and playing Call of Duty: World at War. It's not my fault - she really wanted to watch me reenact the greatest events of the greatest generation. Who am I to argue?

Anywho, whilst playing through Call of Duty, I started thinking about all of the WWII games I've played in the past, as well the many, many WWII games I have not and probably never will play. That, in turn, got me to thinking about what I really want to see in a WWII game. I believe it would be something like this:
Prepare to battle in the world's greatest war as history's greatest man: Franklin Delano Roosevelt.
The US has been bombed and Germany, Italy, and Japan are threatening to take over the world with their weather-controlling doomsday device. Freshly outfitted with a set of robot legs that can control time, FDR is sent (by himself!) on a slew of one-man missions to the western front, the Pacific theater, Siberia, Middle-Earth, Iowa, northern Africa, and the fourth dimension (which is overrun by werewolf-zombie-Nazi soldiers!)
You'll get help from sexy sidekick Douglas MacArthur, sexy assistant Winston Churchill, and sexy double-agent Eleanor Roosevelt, and you'll need it when fighting the epic no-holds-barred battles with Emperor "Hero"-hito (He's a man! He's a hoagie! He's a Moagie!), Mecha-Mussolini, and of course, Tyrannosaurus Hitler. Armed with only a Bowie knife, a bazooka, and a razor sharp wit, will FDR succeed in bringing peace to the world? Only you know that answer.

Oh man. Now I just need someone to make this game.

I should be off. Before I depart - if you happen to live in Chicago, then go see the BNW at Sketchfest this weekend. Yay!

No joke for today. I'm hoping that the rest of the post will fill your laugh quota for the day.

Huzzah?

Bloglessness!

noreply@blogger.com (Joe Ferrari!) — Mon, 12 Jan 2009 20:04:00 +0000

Beneath all this snow,
Buried under winter's weight,
Lies my little blog.

Apologies, but today shall remain blog-less. This morning was jam-packed with a trip to the doctor for some baby shots, and this afternoon is jam-packed with rehearsal and other things theatrical. This evening? Why, this evening is for me and me alone.

Before I depart, here's Today's Joke:
Golden Globe after-parties still boozy, spirited
It was a subdued night of post-Golden Globe Awards partying for Hollywood, but the bashes were lavish and extravagant by any other standard.
A year after the writers' strike shut down the awards show ceremony and its after-parties, the alcohol flowed again at several shindigs Sunday at the Beverly Hilton Hotel.
Despite the recession, post-Globe revelers shared booze, food and the sheer will to make merry.
"We in Hollywood have to remind the world," said one reveler, "that when things get tough and life gets you down, drown your sorrows in alcohol and desperation. It's the true American way!"

Huzzah!

Tomorrow!

Fillered!

noreply@blogger.com (Joe Ferrari!) — Fri, 09 Jan 2009 21:46:00 +0000

If you stay quiet
And listen very closely,
You'll hear my day pass.

Egads! What a day this has been! The morning was occupied by a trip to WCCO radio for a short interview (during which I said, "Yeah," "uh huh," and "Definitely." That's all I said. No more, no less.) After the interview, errands were run and the baby was forced (forced!) into a nap. All that takes time. And now, I have no time left for the finer things, such as blogging. Apologies.

I do have a quick bit of advice, however. If you're planning on making a road trip this weekend (or anytime son, for that matter) and decide to eat at a truckstop, DO NOT order the turkey melt. I know they call it turkey, but friends: that ain't turkey.

Anywho, before I depart, here's Today's Joke:
Blagojevich says his impeachment by Ill. House wasn't unexpected, part of ongoing dispute
The Illinois House voted overwhelmingly Friday to impeach Gov. Rod Blagojevich, setting up an unprecedented trial in the state Senate on whether he should be thrown out for abuse of power.
The governor responded with what has become trademark defiance since he arrested on federal charges a month ago. He accused the House of retaliating against him for trying to help the people of Illinois and said he's confident he'll be "properly exonerated" at a Senate trial.
"The causes of the impeachment are because I've done things to fight for families," said Blagojevich.
"Specifically, I've been fighting for my family. I've gone above and beyond my duties as governor to make sure that my family got what they deserved. If I'm to lose my job for helping the people of Illinois, even of it's only four or five of them, then so be it. I'll just take my beautiful hair and go home."

Huzzah!

Monday!

Scarefully!

noreply@blogger.com (Joe Ferrari!) — Thu, 08 Jan 2009 18:24:00 +0000

Don't worry, baby:
Even from across the store
I can hear your cries.

A quick thought about horror movies:
There has long been a connection between societal difficulties and the horror genre of cinema. George Romero's Dawn of the Dead was in essence a commentary on consumerism.* The gore of the Vietnam War brought about The Texas Chainsaw Massacre.** The American culture's movement towards conservatism helped make Halloween, Friday the 13th, and other slasher movies popular.***

All of this makes me wonder what the up-coming movie Unborn is about. More specifically, what's up with all of the upside-down heads in the trailer? Do they mean something? Are they a response to terrorism changing how we view the world? Are they symbols of our culture being turned on its head by the popularity of Obama? Or did the director just have a thing for inverted noggins? I have a feeling that latter is true: the director just learned how to do that trick with CGI and wanted to get the most out of it. I'll bet in a perfect world, the director would simply fill two hours with video of various heads spinning every which way. And you know what? I'd pay to see that.

Anywho, that's it for today's missive. Please enjoy Today's Joke:
Joe the Plumber: War Correspondent
Joe the Plumber, the Ohio man who became a household name in the presidential campaign, says he's heading to Israel as a war correspondent for the conservative Web site pjtv.com.
Samuel J. Wurzelbacher says he'll spend 10 days covering the fighting.
In an interview with WNWO-TV in Toledo, Ohio, Wurzelbacher says he wants to let Israel's "'Average Joes' share their story."

I'm not adding anything to this. The story is humorous enough on its own.

Tomorrow!

* - Citation needed.
** - Citation needed.
*** - Your momma told me this last night. Bam!

Technoleer!

noreply@blogger.com (Joe Ferrari!) — Wed, 07 Jan 2009 20:45:00 +0000

My phone plays music,
And runs hundreds of fun apps...
I wish I had friends.

If you're not tuned in to the right interweb stations, you may never know that this week is the week of the Consumer Electronics Show (CES), at which all of the major and minor technology companies reveal their plans for the upcoming future. What sort of things can we look forward to? TVs that are less than an inch thick. Memory cards that wirelessly transmit pictures and videos to your computer and/or YouTube. Watch phones.
In other words, we can look forward to having our childhood fantasies come true. A watch phone? Yes!
And we're just a few hours into this year's CES. Egads!

If you're not interested in a watch phone, perhaps a Hello Kitty touchscreen cellphone is more to your liking... Can you say
iPhone killer?

Anywho, these are the times that the future, as it was told to us as youngsters, seems almost possible. Any day now, I expect the announcement of the electric flying car. I've been holding my breath for a long time now. It would be nice to exhale again.

A quick addendum: Amazon.com is offering for sale one Life-Span Fitness Vibration Plate. If you want to shake, shake, shake your way to a trim and lean you, act now!
Please note that customers that purchased the Life-Span Fitness Vibration Plate (really!) also purchased the Cloud b Twilight Constellation Night Light. That seems appropriate.

I should be off. I need to refresh Gizmodo.com a few times to make sure I haven't missed any CES news.

Before I depart, here's Today's Joke:
Porn Moguls Ask Congress For Help
Porn moguls Larry Flynt and Joe Francis are appealing to the U.S. Congress to grant the adult entertainment industry a $5 billion bail out - because it is suffering from the global economic meltdown just as much as others.
Hustler magazine entrepreneur Flynt claims adult DVD sales have plummeted in the last 12 months, with figures down 22 per cent from 2007.
Flynt warned that if Congress did not act quickly, the US adult entertainment industry could collapse, leaving Americans no other choice but to purchase porn made overseas.
"Do we want the high school boys and truck-drivers of America looking at Chinese tits? We don't know what they're made of. They could be filled with melamine and Communism. It's time for the federal government to stuff some money into the g-strings of the adult entertainment industry before we have no other options besides watching The Erotic Adventures of Mao ZeDong."

Huzzah!

Tomorrow!

Tidbitular!

noreply@blogger.com (Joe Ferrari!) — Tue, 06 Jan 2009 20:54:00 +0000

Cuidado, my friends!
They've stuffed a whole fiesta
In this Hot Pocket.

Sadly, my time to write is limited today. There's a bit of fussiness that has overtaken the household. In lieu of a timely and sharp-witted collection of observations of life, I instead offer you a sampling from my up-coming book Fuck You, Michael Keaton: The Tales of a True Mr. Mom.*

Chapter 2 - Homesteaded
So, you're a dad (or mom) at home with your first young child. Great! You're learning how to live life as a parent, and not as an individual. It's not a bad thing - it's just a different thing. Different how? Let me provide for you an example.
Pre-baby, you most likely had visitors come to your house (perhaps often!) to converse and delight in your company. Pre-baby, you most likely thought of yourself as a good host, one that encouraged repeat visits from your friends.
Post-baby, you will become unable to have people at your house without it turning into an awkward social experiment.
After months of tending to your kid's feeding, sleeping, and diaper-changing needs, you'll forget how to interact with your peers. When they come by your house, you will ask if they need a drink or a snack. Then you will make sure they're comfortable. You'll probably also tell them where the bathroom is, even if they've been to your house before. After that, you will have nothing more to say, and why should you? Everything important has been taken care of - there's nothing left but to enjoy the silence.
Sadly, your guests will not enjoy the silence. They did not come to your house to sit quietly - they came to converse. Therefore, I've assembled a list of questions you can use to spur on conversation:
1) How are your jobs?
2) How about this weather?
2a) What is the weather?
3) Isn't it fun when you're not covered in spit-up?
4) Would you mind acting out the last movie you saw, so I can pretend that I've seen it too?
5) Do you mind watching the baby while we go for a short three-week vacation to the Bahamas?
Do not be alarmed if your guests take leave in the middle of your interrogation session. Most likely, they were frightened by your aggressiveness. You'll learn to overcome this in the next five years.

Coming up next: how to leave your baby in the care of your friends and family (hint: sneak out of the house when they are in the rest room!)

Before I depart, here's Today's Joke:
Obama raises $27 million for inaugural
Despite the economic hard times, money keeps pouring in for President-elect Barack Obama's inaugural festivities.
The inaugural committee has raised at least $27 million, donor information on its Web site Tuesday showed. Most of that has come in over the past three weeks.
More than 2,000 donors are helping to finance Obama's Jan. 20 swearing-in festivities. At least 378 gave the maximum $50,000.
The $50,000 donors get access to inaugural events including candlelight dinners with appearances by members of Congress and the Obamas and tickets to an official ball, the swearing-in ceremony and parade seating. They also receive a free cabinet position of their choosing regardless of previous experience.

Huzzah!

Tomorrow!

* - Working title.

Digituned!

noreply@blogger.com (Joe Ferrari!) — Mon, 05 Jan 2009 20:50:00 +0000

The future is here
And it is just small enough
For me to misplace.

I am a fan of music: this is a fact. I could spend hours in the bitter cold if I can bring my mp3 player with me. I would take the city bus for a tour through the innards of a pork processing plant, as long as there are some rocking tunes playing over the loudspeakers. I firmly believe that vinyl records provide the best sound, although I haven't owned a record or record player in twenty years.

Yet, with all this being true, it took me until 2009 to purchase my first digital album.

The entertainment center in my living room is overcrowded with loose CDs and CD cases. I have several CD organizers, all of which are packed with music. Next to the three CD players in my house lay small stacks of compact discs. There's something about the tangibility of the CD that I've never before been able to shake (at least, not since I got my first set of CDs from Columbia House back in the 90's.)

That's not to say I haven't downloaded music before. I have, but it was all free (sometimes intentionally!)

Why the change? Perhaps it could be the new iPod that Santa brought me. Perhaps it could be the free $5 credit at amazon.com. Perhaps it could be the availability of music on-line that is hard to find in stores. Or, perhaps it could be that my entertainment center and the areas around my other assorted radios are disaster areas. All I know is that I am officially an "on-line music buyer" and I couldn't be happier about it.

Now I just need to figure out how to burn these tracks to vinyl...

In other news, the kid turns 4 months old today. According to the interwebs, she should be sleeping for nine hours straight at night. Boy, how I wish that was actually the case.

I should be off. There's a nap that's about to end. Such is life.
Before I depart, here's Today's Joke:
Obama picks former Clinton White House chief of staff Leon Panetta to head CIA
Two Democratic officials say President-elect Barack Obama has chosen former Clinton White House chief of staff Leon Panetta to run the CIA. Panetta was a surprise pick for the post, with no experience in the intelligence world. An Obama transition official and another Democrat disclosed his nomination on a condition of anonymity since it was not yet public.
The official claimed that Panetta earned the position for two reasons: as the former Clinton chief of staff, he had considerable access to intelligence information and knows how the community operates. Also, he killed the other possible nominees for the position in a week-long battle royale that Obama had organized in Hawaii.

Huzzah!

Tomorrow!

Aught-nined!

noreply@blogger.com (Joe Ferrari!) — Sat, 03 Jan 2009 06:05:00 +0000

And from the darkness
A single voice cries out loud:
Can you spare some change?

What is this, 2009? It's been a while, hasn't it? I've made a little resolution to get back into the writing thing. Let's see how long this lasts, shall we?

Anywho, in an effort to catch up, I'm including a summary of the past three months' worth of activity in a condensed format. Enjoy.
Spent time with the baby. Closed the BNW's election show. Opened the BNW's holiday show. Got the baby to smile. Went to Illinois/Indiana for pre-Thanksgiving. Saw a dead deer sticking out of the trunk of a Chevy Lumina. Talked about sending Christmas cards, but didn't get around to it. Heard the baby giggle. Had an adorable Christmas. Entertained a lot of various family members over various days. Found a large number of college, high school, junior high and elementary school classmates on Facebook. Laughed about Blagojevich. Bought a second car. Watched two cats fight.

I think that just about does it. Feel free to add an exclamation point to the item you enjoy the most, such as the dead deer one. It really makes that memory stand out.

This year - this 2009 - is going to be something special. I can feel it. I'm going to make this the first year that I win an Emmy. If you have any tips on ways that I can make that happen, please let me know.

I should be off. It's bed time, which is the most important time of the day. Before I depart, here's Today's Joke:
Rant on CNN lands Kathy Griffin in hot water
Here's an on-air pairing that will probably never happen again after CNN's New Year's Eve telecast: Anderson Cooper and Kathy Griffin.
Griffin was co-hosting the CNN special telecast of Times Square on New Year's Eve with Cooper. The "My Life on the D-List" star got into hot water early Thursday morning with some choice words to a heckler that were captured live on the channel.
"Screw you. Why don't you get a job, buddy?" she told the heckler. "You know what, I don't go to your job and knock the d---- out of your mouth."
The remark had been made as the channel was about to go to commercial, which it did right after, according to a recording of the incident widely available on YouTube.
The comment immediately drew the ire of hundreds of professional dick suckers, who flooded CNN's phone bank with complaints about "Kaffy Griffin an her anfi-difk-sufking prejudiffes." According to a written statement by the Professional Fellator's Community Handler Association and Nuture Group ("PF-CHANG"), "dick knock" is the number one cause of injuries in that line of business, and is not an issue that should be taken lightly.
PF-CHANG demands that Griffin makes a public apology immediately, before everyone forgets about it and moves on with their lives.

Welcome to 2009!

Monday!

Electshunned!

noreply@blogger.com (Joe Ferrari!) — Thu, 06 Nov 2008 01:13:00 +0000

In the voting booth,
With nothing but hopes and dreams
I write-in myself.

A week? Its been a week already? Time certainly flies, doesn't it? Let's see... what happened since last week?

Obama got elected. That ain't bad. There's a certain feeling of ease that has saturated the area around me. I wouldn't pin that completely on Obama's President-electedness, as I think the election season tends to get people down after the twentieth month or so, but Obama's win definitely plays a part. He makes people smile. And not those "I'm embarrassed by you" smiles, either. That's a nice change.

You know who else won yesterday? Ted Stevens in Alaska and Michele Bachmann in Minnesota. Some people will truly go out of their way to impress me with their ridiculousness. I am astounded.
Did the news just not get to Alaska that Ted Stevens was convicted on seven counts of making false statements? Do they not have the same series of tubes up there that we have down here? And is the 6th district of Minnesota that nostalgic for the good old days of McCarthyism? Maybe the folks that voted for Stevens didn't want to be one issue voters. "Sure he might be going to jail, but this election is about the issues!" Likewise, maybe Bachmann's supporters just didn't like the idea of being represented by "El Tinkle." (That's Spanish for "The Urine.") What do I know?

In other news, my dog drank two cups of coffee yesterday. That may sound mild compared to Obama winning, but get this:
He took both cups, which were sitting on a table in my living room, into the back room of the house without spilling a drop. That's talent. If I can get him to do that for a reality

TV show, I'll be a millionaire!

Well, I should be off. Things: they need to be done. Like what, you ask? Like Today's Joke!
State girds for recount in Coleman-Franken battle
Republican Sen. Norm Coleman declared victory for a second term from Minnesota, even as the state this afternoon explained how it intends to recount nearly 3 million votes cast in his battle with Democrat Al Franken.
Coleman added that Franken should abandon any pursuit of a recount, saying that "the prospect of overturning [the necessary] votes is extremely, extremely, extremely remote."
Coleman then added that at a cost of 3 cents per ballot, the recount could become very costly for taxpayers. "You don't want to waste all that money on a silly little election, do you? Think about the taxpayers, Al!"
Upon hearing from a Franken spokesperson that the recount would not be halted, Coleman waved his hand from side to side and said, "these are not the votes your looking for." He then jingled some keys, trying to distract the Franken camp from the election. Finally, in one last act of desperation, Coleman had his wife "do a little dance" while he snuck out the back with the ballots.

Hooray!

Later!

Absentia!

noreply@blogger.com (Joe Ferrari!) — Thu, 30 Oct 2008 00:21:00 +0000

The heart grows fonder
With the absence of one's love.
Whatev. Here's a blog.

Oh my goodness. It's been quite the while since I posted last. What, two weeks? Seventeen days? Over half of a month?
Who's counting, really?

Apologies for the grand delay in entries. Every day, I think to myself, "I should st down and craft a missive for posting on the blogger." Almost immediately thereafter, my brain shuts down at the thought of the hundreds of things that I need to do around the house. Laundry. Dishes. Writing for the BNW. Feeding the baby. Feeding the pets. Feeding myself. Pooping. Let's face it, there just aren't enough hours in the day. Sacrifices have to be made.

As far as the kid is concerned, things are going very well. She keeps getting bigger and eating more and more, which is exactly what is expected. At night, the wife and I are entertained by sleep. We don't really have time to enjoy it, but at least we get to stop by for a moment and say hello. If either of us sleeps for more than three hours in a row, it's considered a successful night. Those are rare.
There's one thing that makes it all worth it: the kid is practicing her smiles. She can't do them all the time, nor can she hold them for more than a moment, but when she's smiling, everything is A-OK.

Other than parenthood and numerous trips to Target, the rest of my time has been claimed by the BNW. We've begun putting together the holiday show. I know that I say this every time, but this little puppy is looking to be quite the laugh-riot. There have been several scripts presented that were so funny, they almost reversed cancer. Mark your calendars. Come mid-November the BNW is going to become a haven for life-saving comedy. I promise.

(Speaking of BNW-type things, we've been podcasting. You know this, right?)

Well, I should be off. My five minutes of free time are quickly expiring. I'd say that I'd be coming back to regular posting, but we all know that would be a lie.

Ooh! If you're looking to celebrate Halloween the right way, then you'd better show up at the BNW Thursday night at 8 pm for Creature Feature and the Survivors of the Undead Plague. It's not Halloween without this show!

What's this? Today's Joke!
Top Republicans call for Sen. Stevens to resign
Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell has joined other top Republicans in calling for convicted Sen. Ted Stevens to resign.
Earlier on Tuesday both members of the Republican presidential ticket -- Sen. John McCain and Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin -- as well as other Republican senators called on Stevens, R-Alaska, to step down.
Sen. John Ensign, the Nevada Republican who heads the National Republican Senatorial Committee, also issued a strongly worded statement Tuesday.
"I am disappointed to see his career end in disgrace," Ensign said. "Sen. Stevens had his day in court and the jury found he violated the public's trust -- as a result he is properly being held accountable."
To further entice the embattled Senator to step down, various members of the Republican Party have offered assorted kitchen appliances, a new hi-def television, a free fishing trip, and other goodies to Stevens upon his resignation.

Huzzah!

Later!

Vegass!

noreply@blogger.com (Joe Ferrari!) — Sun, 12 Oct 2008 07:19:00 +0000

You can have it all
In the city of neon...
You just can't keep it.

As I write this, I'm facing my final few hours in Las Vegas.

Wait! What?

My older brother and his lady-friend got hitched this weekend in the den of sin that is known as Las Vegas. I came along for the ride for three reasons: 1) it's my brother; 2) I was the officiant; and 3) I had only spent two hours in Vegas prior to this weekend and decided, as a man of the world, that I should probably examine this city closely over a forty-eight hour time span. And to clarify - "this city" is really defined by "the Flamingo hotel and the sidewalk immediately outside of the Flamingo hotel."

This is what I've learned:
1 - I hate people. The thing that brought this to light was witnessing a middle-aged couple converse with complete strangers on the shuttle from the airport to the hotel. These people, who had known each other for roughly twenty seconds, were making crude jokes with each other and telling them life secrets (in loud voices) without the slightest hesitation. Obviously, the concept of "stranger danger" was not drilled into these people's heads in elementary school, resulting in a thirty minute party-bus-like experience when all I wanted was to silently enjoy my trip from point A to point B.
Bah humbug.

2 - Of all the people there are to hate, Jimmy Buffet is the worst. This realization came to me when, shortly after arriving at the hotel, my brother, his soon-to-be wife, and a few of their friends decided to get dinner... at Margaritaville. What's that? You think it's fun to have members of the waitstaff on stilts for no reason? You think it's awesome to show a thirty-minute loop of live Jimmy Buffet concerts, complete with footage of "Parrot Heads" drinking themselves to oblivion and a cover of "Werewolves of London"? You think it's "rad" to charge $13 for a turkey burger? Sorry, Jimmy, but I hope you choke on your cheeseburger in paradise.

3 - Roulette is still the cruel, cruel mistress that I remember from several years ago. Damn you, roulette. How I love you. How I hate you.

4 - All casinos should have Pussycat-Doll-esque go-go dancers. Once the sun set outside the Flamingo, two lingerie-clad whore-mobiles would climb up upon a platform in the center of a bank of blackjack tables and gyrate away for the duration of the evening. The most fascinating part of this is that everyone (everyone!) would stop and stare at the dancers. Men, ladies, fathers, mothers, Puritans, Asian grandmothers... the wriggling of the well-waxed lady-hips captured the attention of everyone nearby. After a few minutes of gawking, each on-looker would scan the room at the other patrons with a look of wild disbelief. Then they would look one more time, just to make sure.

5 - All casinos, especially those with hotels, should also have shower curtains for their showers. This is a fact that I have learned the hard way. I look like a real jerk in the shower.

6 - (This is tied in with point #4) Everyone likes a nudie show. Sure, plenty of people will say that they don't, but they do. It's a plain and simple fact. Deal with it.

7 - If you go gambling with a group of people, it is a certain fact that everyone but you will come out ahead. I'm not quite sure how this works, but I've put in plenty of time and money to arrive at this conclusion. Therefore, if you must gamble - do it alone. You can thank me later.

There you have it. Seven observations about Las Vegas. Now you don't have to make the trip out here.
I'd probably have more thoughts about the city in general if I attempted to walk down the strip or take in a few of the other sights, but the grasp that the Flamingo had on me was a tad too strong. Damn you, gaudy pink decor!

I should be off. My flight leaves in a scant eight hours. That leaves me just enough time to hit the floor for one more run at the penny slots. Alone.

No joke for today. I'm pretty sure the jokes will return someday, but this ain't that someday.

Later!

Angerfied!

noreply@blogger.com (Joe Ferrari!) — Fri, 03 Oct 2008 16:37:00 +0000

These colors don't run
Because they're just too damned proud
And stupid to run.

Even with the arrival of my daughter, there are still a few things that can get the old cranky professor up out of bed and in front of the computer, ready to fill a missive with a tenuous anger that almost irks the bile of the interwebs. Sure, this all could be a projection of hatred caused by the Cubs' complete collapse in the post-season (Come on! Really? You're gonna lose the first two games of the series? Fine. Whatever.) but still, there are a few items that need addressing. Here goes:
1) The Veep debates. People are giving Palin credit for being able to participate in the debate without completely breaking down into tears. Fuck that. How about giving Palin credit for answering the questions that were posed to her? Oh, she didn't - even going so far as saying "I'm not going to answer that question. I'll talk about our energy plan instead." This wasn't a speech, Palin. It was a debate. Wherein you're expected to answer the questions posed. If you can't do that, then you fail. Simple.
And if you want to talk about your energy plan, then you really shouldn't talk about a plan that does little to wean the American people off oil. I'm pretty certain that drilling for oil in the outer-continental shelf and in ANWAR isn't going to do a whole lot to a) cut down on greenhouse gas emissions, b) give the American market incentive to look to alternative fuel sources, or c) actually get us out of the crisis we're currently in. We need a champion for change that considers ideas beyond using depletable natural resources. Of course, that champion also needs to understand the cause of the climate crisis, something Palin also fails to do.
What's even more disturbing is the number of people that liked her "straight talk" and "down-home-ness," because she says things like "darn right" and "doggone it." Haven't we learned our lessons from having a "down-home" leader? Why does it seem that the people that want leaders that are more intelligent than the average citizen are in the minority?
One last thing on Palin: I'm not quite sure how she can call herself "middle class" when her estimated assets are over $1 million. Seems to me that she's at least upper-middle class...

Sorry for the pointed ranting about Palin. She just frightens me so much.

2) The bail-out bill. This has already turned into a long-ish blog, so I'll keep it short. The original draft of the bailout bill was three pages long. The bill that the House killed was just over 100 pages. The bill passed by the Senate? 450 pages. Most of that is extraneous "sweetener" that adds an extra $120 billion to the cost of the bill. It also includes the Energy Improvement and Extension Act of 2008, the Paul Wellstone and Pete Domenici Mental Health Parity and Addition Equity ACt of 2008, and the Heartland Disaster Tax Relief Act of 2008.
In an economic bailout bill.
Fuck you, Senate.

I'm going back to cuddling with the baby.

No joke for today.

Birthdayd!

noreply@blogger.com (Joe Ferrari!) — Sat, 27 Sep 2008 18:03:00 +0000

The end of a year,
Or the start new year?
Who gives a shit? Cake!

Well, another birthday has come and gone. In the past, these things, these birthdays used to be week-long celebrations. For seven days, the only topics of conversation that I would agree to discuss were cake, presents, and the fact that Old Country Buffet is the adult Chuck E Cheese (instead of countless games and fun, you get countless chicken wings.) This year, however, things changed. For the first time in thirty-one years, my big day snuck up on me. Right around midnight on Wednesday, I realized, "Dang! I'm about to get older!" And then I did.

I guess the lack of sleep, constant attention to the kid, and LEGO Batman all conspired against me this year. Really, I should have expected it and planned ahead. My loss, I guess. I'll just have to make up for it next year and increase the celebrations by another week. Be prepared.

I did want to take a moment and say "thanks" to all of the web-based birthday wishes that came my way, including the video shout-out I got during a weather forecast. You really know how t make a fella feel special.

I should be off. There's no Today's Joke because, frankly, the kid's starting to smile, and I'm not gonna miss that.

Joshtastic!

noreply@blogger.com (Joe Ferrari!) — Tue, 23 Sep 2008 17:00:00 +0000

My dreams have come true.
For one short moment, I was
A rock and roll star.

Last night, the BNW went to the Ivey awards, which is the Twin Cities theater community's chance to remind the Twin Cities theater community how great the Twin Cities theater community is. In regards to the awards: In some ways, I agree with the importance of celebrating the work done here in Minnesota. In other ways, I find it ridiculous to masturbate for that long. Theater folk do not change the world with their plays. Sometimes that little fact gets lost in all the hugs and clapping.
Anywho, the main reason I was at the Ivey's was to assist Josh (and Bobby) in a performance of the Obama Song. Really, all I did was stand on stage and pretend to play a fake guitar while those two sang and actually played real guitars. It was pretty neat to be waiting in the wings watching Josh rock the house. To be honest - he didn't rock the house. He destroyed it. Well done, Eakright. May the Twin Cities theater community shower you with candy treats for years on end.

Bobby - you were a delight.

Speaking of impressive Joshes, Josh Carson filled in for Mike in The Lion, The Witch, and The War Hero last Thursday with only four days notice and absolutely killed. It was darned impressive and deserves more than just this shout-out. Well done, Carson. May the BNW theater community shower you with candy treats for years on end.

In other news, there's a cell phone coming out in October that might give the iPhone a run for its money. It's called the G1 and runs on Google's new Android OS, which is an open-source interface that allows for user-created apps and has strong ties with Google Maps, GMail, Google Talk and many other things Google. I believe that, as a modern-day father, it's my duty to own one of these. I've got to stay hip if I don't want to embarrass the daughter, right? Now if only I can convince the wife that my four-month-old cell phone is obsolete and broken...

Well, I should be off. The kid should be waking up soon, which means another urine bath is coming my way. Before I depart, here's Today's Joke:
Western Wis. farm turns manure into water
The owner of a large, western Wisconsin dairy farm is turning manure into purified water.
Emerald Dairy in St. Croix County has hundreds of cows and generates a lot of waste.
Owner John Vrieze says his separation system filters and purifies water in the manure so it's clean enough to drink.
Because Emerald Dairy is the first agriculture operation to try this, Vrieze has been trying for 30 months to get the state permits he needs to discharge the water into the environment instead of his manure lagoon. It would reduce by half the amount of manure that has to be spread on fields.
Department of Natural Resources water specialist Dan Bauman says that the state permits have been delayed because of Vrieze's insistence that the manure-turned-water be called "H-Pooh-Oh."
"Every time this issue comes up," Bauman explained, "the department becomes overwhelmed with nausea. It's tough to get things done when people are throwing up on the permit applications."

Huzzah!

Catchupting!

noreply@blogger.com (Joe Ferrari!) — Thu, 18 Sep 2008 17:17:00 +0000

The hours zoom by
Each day bleeds into the next.
When did I bathe last?

Apologies for the complete lack of missives this week. I would say that it was unexpected and abnormal, but I don't believe that's the case. The wife and I are taking advantage of our time with the kid and are enjoying spending each of her waking moments trying to figure out why she's crying. Being that the wife has a few months off from work, I'm guessing that this trend will continue and that days will fly by without even the thought of crafting a blog entering my mind. You understand, don't you?

Today marks my return to the BNW stage in a super-special Thursday night performance of The Lion, The Witch, And The War Hero. It's been almost three weeks since I last uttered lines from the show, so there's a decent chance that, halfway through tonight's performance, I'll start reciting lines from some other BNW show, or maybe even Magic Is A Lie. I might also begin delivering my lines in a high-pitched voice, using elongated vowels, as that's how I've been communicating with Sophie for the past two weeks. What I'm getting at is that if you want to see a man self-destruct on stage, tonight just might be your best opportunity.
As an added bonus, Josh Carson will be in for Mike Fotis tonight. I'm excited to see the antics of Mike as portrayed via the antics of Josh. It should be a true delight!

Well, it appears as though the baby is stirring, which means the crying will start shortly thereafter. I'd better get to Today's Joke before it's too late...
Biden says paying higher taxes gives wealthier Americans a chance to be patriotic
Democratic vice presidential candidate Joe Biden said Thursday that paying more in taxes is the patriotic thing to do for wealthier Americans.
Under the economic plan proposed by Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama, people earning more than $250,000 a year would pay more in taxes while those earning less — the vast majority of American taxpayers — would receive a tax cut.
Noting that wealthier Americans would indeed pay more, Biden said: "It's time to be patriotic ... time to jump in, time to be part of the deal, time to help get America out of the rut."
The McCain camp immediately responded to Biden's statement. Said one representative, "There's nothing patriotic about paying higher taxes. To be honest, a true patriot would find loopholes and other ways to avoid paying taxes. That's the true American way."
To that end, the McCain camp has sent a pamphlet entitled "How To Defraud the IRS" to each of its supporters.

Huzzah!

Thoughtulary!

noreply@blogger.com (Joe Ferrari!) — Thu, 11 Sep 2008 02:24:00 +0000

My new alarm clock
Has a gentle, loving scream
And no snooze button.

Apologies for the irregularity of the daily missives. I hope you understand, but getting through a day requires a day and a half of pre-planning, and then, once the day begins, it all goes to hell before you can even get out of bed. Case in point: the wife and I decided yesterday afternoon that we would take a trip to Target today at noon. Even with the extended notice, we didn't even get set to leave the house until 1 pm. Luckily we didn't experience any diaper dilemmas during the trip as we were ill-prepared for anything but a poop-free journey. As it turns out, the wife has a couple of visitors that are doting on the baby. Thus, I have a free moment to transcribe some thoughts. Lucky you.

Thought 1: That little girl is the best thing in the world. Even at three in the morning, getting peed upon for the second time that night, she still makes me smile.

Thought 2: I can't believe I've been peed upon so many times this week. Hell, so many times today.

Thought 3: I should really be sleeping right now.

Thought 4: It's weird that I've been away from the places I normally haunt. I've stopped by the BNW for only a moment in the past week, I've eaten in for every single meal, and the walks with the dog have been remarkably short (mostly because the dog wants to get back to the baby. I'm not kidding about that.) I'll be back to real life sometime soon, I'm certain. Hopefully I'll get a haircut first.

Thought 5: Seriously. I should be sleeping right now.

I should be off. Before I depart, here's Today's Joke:
Minn. primary cues 1st statewide recount since '62
Minnesota election officials are preparing for their first statewide recount since 1962 after a close finish in a primary race for state Supreme Court justice.
Two candidates seeking to challenge sitting Justice Lorie Gildea were separated by less than one half of 1 percentage point. It could require the manual review of more than 400,000 ballots, said John Aiken, a spokesman for the Secretary of State.
Aiken said the recount will begin next Wednesday, the day after the state canvassing board meets. The election officials have to overcome the shock of so many people actually voting for a Supreme Court Justice.
"Seriously, people," Aiken said, "you're just supposed to leave those spots blank. Don't you know how elections work?"

Yay!

Later!

Babythanks!

noreply@blogger.com (Joe Ferrari!) — Mon, 08 Sep 2008 21:50:00 +0000

There is no haiku.
The baby has pooped on it
Unfortunately.

Goodness gracious. It's been quite the weekend. My head is still spinning at what's happened since late Thursday night...

Anywho, I just wanted to post a little missive about the birth of our daughter Sophia. She was born at 7:07 pm on Fri. Sep. 5th. at 8 pounds, 8 ounces, and 21.5 inches long. All in all, she is the best thing in the world.

The second best thing in the world is all the support we've gotten here on the blog. We appreciate all of the comments, phone calls, text messages and flowers that have been flooding our various technological devices. Thanks.

The funny thing about parenthood is that, before it happens, everybody feels it necessary to dole out words of wisdom, both negative and positive, whether they're parents or not. The even funnier thing is that all of those words of wisdom are true, but the positive ones are truer than the negative one.

Now, if you'll pardon me, I need to go stare at my little girl some more. Perhaps I'll also sleep.

No joke for today. My snarkiness is on vacation.

Later!

Sophia

noreply@blogger.com (Joe Ferrari!) — Sat, 06 Sep 2008 15:49:00 +0000

Sophia

noreply@blogger.com (Joe Ferrari!) — Sat, 06 Sep 2008 00:43:00 +0000