We don’t know the origin of these points.  Nonetheless, these are timeless truths worthy of rehearsing to ourselves.  The best plans for our lives are compromised, even sabotaged, by destructive behavior that becomes the norm in too many marriages.

Take a look at what follows and ask yourself “Which of these are true of me?“

1) Lack of Respect

Don’t badmouth your spouse to your friends or associates. Spouses need to be thanked. They need to know they are appreciated.

2) Not Listening to Your Spouse

This includes allowing your mind to wander, paying more attention to the computer or television set, ignoring body language, and interrupting.

3) Lack of Sexual Intimacy

This is a death knell for a marriage. Seek medical counsel and therapeutic counseling if necessary. Don’t leave your spouse wondering why you aren’t interested in sex.
 
4) Always Having to Be Right

This includes lecturing your mate, or having to have the last word. Very few people can love a know-it-all forever. Admit once in awhile that you made a mistake or that you don’t have all the answers. Don’t answer every simple question with a long-winded dissertion on the topic.

5) Not Walking the Talk

Actions do speak louder than words. When you say you’ll do something, do it. When you say you won’t do something, follow through.

6) Hurtful Teasing

If your spouse says the teasing is hurtful, considers it a put down, or thinks that it is inappropriate, then stop it. Claiming that your spouse doesn’t have a sense of humor or is too sensitive is being inconsiderate and unkind.
7) Dishonesty

Having lies and secrets in your relationship can create distance and lack of trust between the two of you.

Being Annoying

This includes continuing to have gross personal hygiene habits, or always being late, or nitpicking everything your spouse does, etc. It is when you know you are annoying and you continue to annoy.

9) Being Selfish or Greedy

This is when you spend money on yourself, but make a big deal if your spouse spends a dime. This is not wanting to open your home to friends and family because you prefer to be alone and don’t want the hassle of entertaining. This is hogging the remote, only going to cheap restaurants when you could afford better, or not watching movies your spouse wants to see.

10) Having Temper Tantrums

Every couple needs to be able to handle conflict in a constructive way. Having an angry outburst so that you can win an argument will make you the loser in the end.

Remember the first line from the Toys ‘R Us jingle: I don’t want to grow up…

Becoming an adult, getting married and having children propel us into a life of responsibilities.  We have to get serious, be thoughtful and plan for the future.  Rare is the occasion at which we can revisit the playfulness of childhood when creativity meant abandoning convention.  Making a mess wasn’t looked upon fretfully because our first thought wasn’t who’s going to clean that up?

Sexual intimacy is such an occasion for a husband and wife to revisit those glorious carefree days if only but for a while.  Think about it!  Covering your bodies with lickable toppings.  Writing provocative and erotic messages on each other’s bodies and inviting one another to erase them with your tongues.  Okay…so this isn’t exactly child’s play and it can’t happen every time we make love.

However, the idea of just being playful and creative during sex shouldn’t be overlooked nor underestimated as refreshing and energizing to our love lives.  Chocolate Body  Talk Tattoo and Edible Undies are but a few products that lend themselves to edible delight in the bedroom (livingroom, kitchen, den, garage…).  Even common household foods can be used to indulge in tantalizing tasteful sexual theatrics.

Hiding berries on your body and having your spouse search for them while blindfolded is one game spouses can play.  Applying peanut butter to his manhood and licking it off is yet another tasty treat.  There are a number of items made for him and her that can be applied safely.

The thought here is to enjoy one another in an unusual way to make your intimate time together less routing.  Dare to become playful, creative.  Dare to become delicious!

The act of oral sex has many idiomatic references in our English language.  Giving head, going down, eating out, and blow job are but a few.  Whatever your reference of choice, for those married couples who use it as a feature of sexual play, it can be a powerfully intimate experience OR an incredible let down!

While the level of skill exercised by the giver is a great factor in how much pleasure is experienced by the receiver, the importance of the mind as a sex organ should not be overlooked.

The Giver.  This is the spouse administering oral sex.  You must commit to the act of making love to your spouse’s genitalia.  While oral sex is, by its very definition, an act committed by the mouth, the entire body is at your disposal as you seek to please your spouse.  It is important you understand that your initiation technique, the extent to which your hands are engaged and your body language will immediately establish an expectation on the part of your partner.  If you appear hesitant, the quality of the experience may be lesser for both of you.

Consider how much pleasure you are able to give him/her by this simple act.  Consider how much power to satisfy you possess and the euphoric feeling of utter ecstasy you give.  Enjoy these aspects of oral sex and challenge yourself to do the best you can.  Make it your mental goal to give a mind blowing experience.  If nothing else, understand that you can only really reasonably expect to regularly ‘receive’ what you regularly ‘give’.

The Receiver.  This is the spouse who is receiving oral sex.  You must commit to mentally focusing on the experience at hand.  Your spouse is ready and willing to blow your mind.  However, the mind can be its own worst enemy.

To avoid this, work to address (with giver’s help) potential distractions prior to settling down.  Lock the bedroom door.  Make sure the kids have already used the bathroom before bed.  Turn off the television.  Turn on music but be careful not to choose your favorite station with your favorite DJ who may serve to pull you away mentally with his charming or engaging banter or catchy commercials.

Typically, oral sex is a cleaner proposition than kissing when the genitals are properly cleaned and the participants are healthy.  However, the genitals should be cleaned routinely!  We recommend you discuss from the outset what will be your phrase(s) for letting your spouse know to make special preparation to receive oral love.  Of course, it can be really erotic to just say “I want to taste your nectar tonight…” or some similar words that are more or less direct.  The key is to be prepared on both sides and remove barriers to a completely fulfilling experience.

There is benefit from time to time in just taking your lover without announcement and without preparation.  Spontaneously pleasuring them in this manner can be an intensely erotic form of sexual play by the giver which communicates a comfort and trust that is undeniable and which promotes greater intimacy.  Women may have concerns about vaginal odor.  Our spouse’s scent can be a powerful tool toward arousal.  Our genitals emit pheromones which are a potent aphrodisiac. 

Know each other’s emotional and physical boundaries.

You owe it to your spouse to disengage from thoughts about the day’s activities or tomorrow’s demands.  In this time and space, you belong to them and them to you.   This is the moment in your marriage where it can be said, objectively, that you give yourself to the one that you love.  Make sure it is all of you.

Sexual acts qualify as intimate only when they serve to draw the attention of lovers toward one another.  If you commit to being mentally present for the experience, you lighten the load on your spouse and maximize your potential to get the best benefit.  In other words, it helps that you prepare yourself to ‘receive’ what is ‘given’.

OnePoll.com surveyed 4000 Brits as to what excuses they use to get out of having sex.  The following represents their top 5.

1. Too tired
2. Not in mood
3. Have to get up early in the morning
4. Preoccupied with work
5. Angry with partner

Against conventional wisdom, men polled as giving excuses more often than female respondents.

I suppose we all have those times when we just don’t want to do it.  Assuming there isn’t a frequency to such times, it is perfectly normal to have occasions where you aren’t feeling very sensual or as though you can’t really give yourself to your spouse.  However, it should be noted that rejection hurts.

It is best when turning down a spouse’s initiation of sex that we make ourselves responsible for giving them an alternative time and making sure it happens.  It is equally beneficial to be honest.  If we are tired, then saying we are tired is appropriate.  However, if our sex life is boring or unfulfilling then we should find constructive ways to start conversations that may bring about positive change.

I think we often sense when our partners are being less than transparent.