The Pursuit of a Life With No Regrets...

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2013-05-12T13:58:00.001-05:00

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Nashville Hotel Liquidators

Nashville's Hotel Liquidators offer chic, trendy, and gently-used home decor items at a FRACTION of the retail cost! **By Appointment Only.**
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I'm falling in love with Mexico

2013-04-14T14:37:00.000-05:00

I'm on the plane, heading back to Nashville, after spending a glorious five days relaxing in the sun with a few good friends. One of my best friends in the entire world, Shannon, invited me to visit some of our mutual friends with him at their house/hacienda just about an hour north of Cabo, on the Baja Peninsula. He reminded me how I said that I needed a "break" and an "escape" and told me that I would completely enjoy my time there, love it and never want to leave.

He. Was. Right.

He's staying for the entire month of April so he can work on writing some new songs with his bandmate Jon and performing them while in Mexico.

This part of the world is absolutely beautiful. It reminds me of Aruba, in the sense that it is a very dry climate, with a continuous breeze rolling in off the Pacific Ocean. Many of the homes are situated in an open type format, with a walled in/fenced in area and several small buildings that make up the "hacienda". Dani & Jon's place is much like that. Their common area, that includes the pool area & kitchen overlooks the Pacific at a distance of about two football fields. There is the constant sound of the ocean waves crashing upon the shore. The weather is warm, there was not a cloud in the sky. I truly felt that I had experienced a slice of heaven.

The best part was experiencing all of this with friends. There was no agenda, no timeframe for anything, just the general desire to do whatever you felt like doing. My phone got turned off/forgotten for a few days, even though they had wifi so I made a habit of checking in on life in the morning and in the evenings, but then generally left it alone.

Shannon and I explored new food options, there are tons of restaurants in that area that literally ave the freshest food available. Taco stands, fish stands, little restaurants. I had my first taste of lobster, since the one restaurant we went to advertised it as fresh, then another night I ended up being served a bunch of new foods at Carlito's Place, he just kept some foods coming and all I know is that I ate and enjoyed a ton of seafood over these past few days (which is odd for me, because I generally don't like too much of it).

We celebrated Shannon's song for Big & Rich, "Look at you" breaking the top 40, and getting added to mainstream radio airplay quickly as well as celebrated how much we both have accomplished in the past few years. Sometimes, having a friend on your side that has your back no matter what, makes all the difference in the world.

A lot of people kept asking if I was Shannon's wife. We both laughed loudly and joked about how often we had fielded that question in the past several years. To be clear, we are as close as family, so I tend to "mama hen" him a bit. I joked about creating a t-shirt that said "I'm not his wife" in Spanish to wear when we left the compound. I'm not sure why people can't understand/comprehend our relationship as it is.

Dani and I went out for a girls night one of the evenings, and ended up bringing one of the local gringos/bar owners back to the compound to keep drinking with us and relax in the hot tub. It was great to spend some girly time away from the boys too.

I spent each morning up with the sunrise over the mountains, then each evening staring at the sunset over the Pacific. Later, I would marvel each night at the vast expanse of stars visible and counted multiple falling stars- all of which I made a wish on.

Shannon and I had a great heart to heart one of those evenings about me, my experiences with dating Luke (thankfully he is not in this blog) and life in general. He is one of my very best friends in the whole wide world and I am infinitely grateful to have him in my life.

GoDaddy

2012-09-05T20:32:00.002-05:00

Ramblin'

2012-04-30T18:31:00.002-05:00

Scattered thoughts
Across the paper
Like confetti
On the ground

Words that once
Held meaning
Are casually
Tossed Around

Love and Lies
Truth and Hate
Indifference,
A Cruel Fate

Hearts broken
Mended and Bruised
Souls shaken
Tired of abuse

Smiles and Laughter
Sobs and Longing
For your One
And Only.

-------------------------

A glance, a kiss
little things I miss
Your smirk
My giggles
Your touch ignites
my pilot light
Keeps me warm
and Waiting
For you Every
Night.

Confusion and missed connections/shitty timing.

2011-10-03T14:40:00.000-05:00

I've had feelings all over the map.

One of my friends that I've known on a purely friendship and lighthearted level, who also has a girlfriend, confessed having feelings for me for the past five years last night. He leaned in to hug me, and kissed me instead. With this person, I felt the same way. There was a physical attraction that neither of us did anything about.

He's just my type, physically. The kind I usually find myself attracted to. Tall, dark, handsome.
He's creative, a little bit country and a little bit rock and roll.
He's my age, but he's not the type to run around. He's had a few girlfriends since I've known him, but his main lover has been the music itself.
For birthdays of mine that have required that I needed someone to rescue me, he's stepped up to the plate and always been my knight in shining armor.
In all the years I've known him, he's never treated me with anything but respect and honor.
He gave me a New Year's kiss in 2007 - an innocent peck on the mouth, when I realized that it was my first New Years in a long time without anyone to kiss.
He's got his shit together and comes from a family that has their shit together. I like his dad and know him well.

We still haven't. When I asked about his intentions, he was honest and told me he had none but that he just was tired of keeping it a secret from me. I could understand that.

I am emotionally involved with someone, but this kiss threw my little world into a complete tailspin.

It was that good.

Here I am, still pondering the entire sequence of events ... and I think it will continue to be that way for at least another couple nights.

Damn it, my timing always seems to off.

2011-05-20T01:57:00.000-05:00

2011-05-20T01:54:00.000-05:00

Ya Know...It's the little things...

2011-04-18T02:41:00.000-05:00

It's the little things in life that can really make your day... I've had a phenomenal few days.

1. All this going through old material of mine has really inspired me and gotten my creative juices flowing again. Lots of writing lately, lots of thought.. and even lots of painting.

2. I had to make some room for some new things and ended up pulling out a bunch of clothes that I used to be able to wear a few years back when I was super skinny. Now, I haven't really been *trying* as hard as I could be to be losing this extra weight, but I have been eating smarter and moving more... anyway, I tried some of the clothes on, and even though some of them were tight, they went on and buttoned! For a girl, this is HUGE excitement. I was even able to wear one of my favorite jean skirts the other day.

3. Sometimes it's nice to feel appreciated or *remembered*... and that's happened a few times in the past few days for me. Even again tonight with a message from an old friend of mine... just makes a girl feel good.

Lazy Sundays are awesome, by the way. :)

Spring Cleaning & Poetry/Book News

2011-04-14T11:46:00.000-05:00

It's time for a little spring cleaning. Not just my house, but my mind and soul too. My hurts, my experiences, my joys- all of those are like the leaves that fell last fall. IN THE PAST! As spring blooms around me, I am reminded that I am in bloom again too. I am reborn... Every day is an opportunity to grow, change and look forward. Nature doesn't dwell on the past, it strives for the future. I shall do the same.

I'm feeling REALLY positive today. There's just SO much potential within me - that is being unleashed today towards some GREAT things moving forward in my life. Life is a gift, folks... it's to be appreciated for every moment we are given.
----------------

Poetry.

I was going through my desk, in an effort to clean it up, sort it out, and do some cleaning... and I began paging through all my (many) notebooks that I've written in over the past six or so years and carried around with me. I've scribbled lines of thought, beginnings of songs, full pages of journaling, etc. in these pages, documenting my state of mind at various stages before, during and after my divorce, financial free fall and re-discovery of myself. I've also rediscovered my spirituality and found a faithful resolve. After picking up one of my hard covered journals, I recalled a conversation I had with a Nashville visual artist who inspired the then pricey for me, $18 hard cover journal purchase. He read through some of my works, saw pictures of some of my art, and responded with an email to me that included the following text: "You're a great writer, don't waste it on the music industry."

A lot of what I had begun to write, started off as song ideas, and morphed into poetic verse instead. I guess you go with what you know at the core... While some of my writing can most certainly and has been morphed into song form, I almost always appreciate the original best. At present, the book is in the process of being compiled and hopefully the poetry and words I've written over the past several years, as well as the art I've created will be able to be appreciated- and possibly help others going through their own journey of self discovery after a major life change. The working title is "Reflections from a Scattered Mind".

Here's a snippet:

On Taking Chances

I allow myself to fall
Faster.
Deeper.
There's no parachute
It's a free fall
I willingly took the step
I leapt from the cliffs
Trusted.
My soul knows that when
Opportunity knocks
I'll open the door
God shows me a way
I have faith in Him
I'll jump every time
And fall.
If you don't catch me,
hold me tight and
love me forever,
He will.

----------------

Photo two.

2011-04-07T23:13:00.001-05:00

Kaitlyn's johnny Appleseed guy

2011-04-07T23:12:00.001-05:00

Kate and I made this together for a school project. I am thrilled with how well it all came together!!! So cute!

Ronnie Milsap - Are You Lovin' Me Like I'm Lovin' You

2011-03-28T02:10:00.000-05:00

Just listen.

-A

What the hell am I doing?

2011-03-23T00:36:00.000-05:00

I'm thinking, more than ever, about why it is that I don't write as much as I used to. Songs, poetry, random rambling... I know time has been a major issue, but I wonder if some of it is just my unwillingness to share my thoughts with the general public. Have I become more hermit-like in the past year?

Sure, I'll share random thoughts with little substance, but the sad thing is that I don't even write from my core any longer- even for privacy's sake... which is dumb. I should. It's through writing and art that I tend to figure things out for myself and make sense of the jumbled thoughts in my mind. It's through writing and art that I've been able to make it through the past oh, 29 years or so (yeah, I started kindergarten at 4)... I've been painting a little bit, but not near as much as I should.

Oh, little creative soul, you're just spinning away, frustrated with me not taking the time to respond to you. I've sensed that my little angels are surrounding me and encouraging me to keep up my creativity. I often wonder what it is that I might be able to offer the world that may be of value to someone, or appreciated by someone. Some would say that my kind heart is enough... but I'd like something a little more permanent to be left behind when I'm finally gone (hopefully at least 50 years from now).

I find myself able to think of all these profound things, then when I sit in front of a computer screen or with a pen and my journal... I seem to hit a wall. It's a mental block, mostly of the "do I want to really write that down?" sense... I hate being indecisive or guarded with my words, but the reality is that in the past year, I've seen that when you're in a good mood or you're finally smiling - there are people in this world who just want to put that little light out... and will adopt methods that are less than admirable to do so.

I've also learned that jealousy is a cruel and heartless beast surely sent straight from the Devil's belly. Even with all the prayin' and light sendin' and angel callin' I've done... it's tough to not feel the sting of someone's else's jealous behavior. Here's how I see jealousy- there's no need for it. If you're feeling like you have to fight to keep someone in your life by pushing them away from others or being cruel to them or say cruel things to tear them away from other people that bring them joy, then you shouldn't be in their life to begin with.

My belief is that I'm here to help build people up. That's one of my life goals. I'm here to help others see the good in themselves when they can't see it at the moment. I'm here to help them until they can shine brightly on their own. That goes for my children, that goes for my friends, my family, and even random strangers. If I can give of my time, I will. So often, simply a smile, a kind word or a hug and a shoulder to cry on is just enough to help someone through a tough time.

More importantly, after you help people, you can't have a hold on them, or expect something in return. The best option is to pay the kindness forward to someone else who needs it. I've seen far too many examples of people who help someone when they're down, then put a list of demands on them (whether a physical list or a mental mindfuck) to make them feel like they owe the person something.

The correct way to share love and give love and TRULY offer support to someone is to do something with NO expectation of a return.

I've pondered writing a book about divorce for several years. My mother was the one who actually gave birth to the idea floating around in my head. She was the one who mentioned that I had an interesting perspective, and had lived through my share of a divorce situation, especially with kids- and also that I had a unique style of writing- that I might be able to help others get through it by sharing my story.

I've shared my story verbally with friends, acquaintances and such. I like to think I'm helping them process things, move forward with their lives or even more so, feel like they're not utterly alone after years of being part of a couple. Divorce does rip people apart. It tears you limb from limb. For those of us who got married thinking it was going to be a one time deal, it not only devastates you financially, physically, emotionally... but spiritually as well.

Putting Humpty Dumpty back together again is about as easy as lining up Rubik's Cube (without the instructions). It takes time, patience, work and healing. We'll never be the same, but instead of feeling broken, we can begin to heal and feel renewed.

So there, again, no intention of an actual post and bam! Something came out. Gotta love my free-rambling posts...

I pray every day for grace. God, please grant me patience, grace and the ability to seek out the good in all people, even those who have hurt me.

That's all I've got for now, folks.

I got nothin'

2011-03-14T13:49:00.000-05:00

I have been sitting here trying to think of somethin' to write, and even a topic, but I got nothin'. I just wanted to visit the blog and at least try to write. Chalk this one up to a big fat day full of writers block.

Awesome.

IMG00932-20110222-1943.jpg

2011-02-22T19:43:00.000-06:00

Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

I'm In Love With You, Joy Williams

2011-02-21T14:46:00.000-06:00

Just found this song... one of my YouTube click and finds- Holy hell, it's gorgeous. I love the words, and I love Joy William's voice. I'm going to have to see what I can find of hers on iTunes.

Songs like this make me cry.... and songs like this make me feel lonely... but I love songs like this, because they make me FEEL something. Maybe one day I can dedicate it to my very own someone special...

Lyrics:

I've been waiting all my life for this morning
Just to wake up next to you holding me
And your head is resting gently on my shoulder
Like you're whispering to me

I'm in love with you
I'm in love with you
So glad I found you
I'm in love with you

When we're leaving dreams and rolling back the covers
All at once we're getting ready for the day
It's when you look at me in the mirror while you're shaving
Before I go on my way, you say

I'm in love with you
I'm in love with you
You're the one I choose
'Cause I'm in love

Love is joy and love is pain
It's kissing in the rain
It's doing dishes when it's late
Isn't it, baby
It's the art of compromise
It's hellos and long goodbyes
It's the picture of our lives
Isn't it crazy

So I'll call you when I get to where I'm going
And I'll tell everyone we know you said hello
And without fail they'll ask me if I miss you
Of course I do, you know I do

'Cause I'm in love with you
I'm in love with you
You're the one I choose

I'm in love
I'm in love with you
I'm in love with you
I love you just the same as I did the day
I fell in love with you

Creative Escape

2011-02-19T17:51:00.000-06:00

I've been hiding again from the blogging experience, but I've also been really busy. February has been jam packed so far with a lot of events, my birthday, guests and just kiddo activities too!

I haven't felt much like writing lately, but I think it's because I've been so busy, I'm just trying to rest when I can. I made a batch of soap last night, and painted a whole bunch too. There's an art show coming up next weekend that I'm participating in. I'm trying to get all these pieces that I want to include finished so that they can be available for sale at the event.

Life's good otherwise, I just spent a small fortune between Victoria's Secret and Frederick's of Hollywood. I needed (desperately) new undergarments, and it had been a while since I had truly re-stocked the unmentionables drawer. My favorite black push-up bra broke last weekend, and I knew it was time to go ahead and make the necessary purchases. Thankfully, there were decent sales and free shipping involved.

I bought the kids Bendaroos (they had wanted them for ages) and I woke up to find a love note on my bedroom door this morning in bendaroos. It says, "I <3 Mom" with happy faces and hearts and peace signs. That's always a great way to start your Saturday morning!

We were supposed to go to Louisville Science Center today, but the kids vetoed that idea this morning and want to go tomorrow instead... So we'll pack up the car and head out for Louisville tomorrow mornin'.

I'm about to hit the showers and relax a bit..

Painting again...

2011-02-18T22:51:00.001-06:00

This is still in progress. Started off as a mixed media piece with scrapbook paper and magazine clippings, buttons, tags... A whole lotta stuff. Now, the paint layering begins....

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All's Well that Ends Well...

2011-02-16T12:37:00.000-06:00

It was a great night at the Sweethearts Gala. My painting was up for auction, as well as a gift basket from Lady Luna Luxuries. I was treated to a fun night of conversation and cocktails followed by an amazing dinner at the Hutton Hotel. Crabcakes, Mini Filet... and the decadent raspberry truffle dessert. Yum!

My table

With Joey and Rory - the celebrity Sweethearts of the event... they put on a great show for us!

I hit Losers and Rebar after the event. It was a great night out! Got to see Manuel again at Rebar- forgot to take pictures... but for a Friday night out on the town, I got to dress up, I got that great dinner, I got to see a lot of friends - and make some new ones and mostly, I had a wonderful evening altogether!

I'm going to have to think about it.

2011-02-11T07:08:00.000-06:00

A friend canceled on me for an expensive dinner I was looking forward to last night. With zero explanation. Via text message.

Really? I'm sorry, but it's not a date, nothing romantic, and it's been planned for weeks. AND - there was no obligation to this person to pay a cent. I just wanted someone to sit across from me and enjoy the really good food and conversation- because I didn't want to go to dinner there to sit by myself.

In addition, our friendship is such that I do a lot of things for this person. Just because it makes me happy to do them. This is the first time I've asked this person to do something where they weren't getting paid to be there- and I'm not going to lie. I'm a little pissed.

Now, I'll give this person the benefit of the doubt. My phone died last night, so possibly there was a text message that I didn't get... but every other one came through this morning... so.. we'll see. I'm going to have to think about this.

Anyone else wanna dress up and go out on the town? I'm hell bent and determined to recover this bullshit of a planned night out.

This makes me smile.

2011-01-26T23:19:00.000-06:00

From the movie The Proposal. There's this whole scene after the hilarious naked scene, where they are heading to bed for the night... and it's incredibly personal, Margaret shares a bunch about her personal life with Andrew... and they are all sorts of giggly.

I find that to be one of the most heartwarming scenes in the entire movie.

That is all.

Side note: I really need to stop watching romantic movies before I go to bed.

You'll Never Know

2011-01-25T00:53:00.000-06:00

This song was on Big Love this past week, towards the end in the background and on the credits. Of course, once I heard it, I had to find it. This song was sung in 1943, and this particular version by a lady named Vera Lynn. It was very popular, sung right in the middle of WWII as there were many women missing their men, and sending their love and prayers across the miles.

For your listening pleasure, and again, simply beautiful and timeless music and lyrics...

YOU'LL NEVER KNOW

You'll never know just how much I miss you,
You'll never know just how much I care...
And if I tried, I still couldn't hide my love for you,
You ought to know, for haven't I told you so,
A million or more times?

You went away and my heart went with you,
I speak your name in my every prayer.
If there is some other way to prove that I love you
I swear I don't know how...
You'll never know if you don't know now.

You went away and my heart went with you,
I speak your name in my every prayer.
If there is some other way to prove that I love you,
I swear I don't know how...
You'll never know if you don't know now.

To Make You Feel My Love...

2011-01-25T00:26:00.000-06:00

I just felt like this song was so beautiful that I had to share. I've heard the Garth Brooks version, but I stumbled across this version thanks to my Pandora account. I listened to the words again, and then again... This is the kind of love I've got to share with the world...

Bob Dylan wrote this song, but this version is sung by an Irish artist, Mick McAuley. I very much like the simple strumming of the guitar with this, and his voice is so smooth. It's the type of song that I'll listen to as part of my "sleepy time" playlist. Surely this voice, the guitar strumming and these words would inspire many nights of pleasant dreams.

Enjoy...

When the rain is blowing in your face,
and the whole world is on your case,
I could offer you a warm embrace
to make you feel my love.

When the evening shadows and the stars appear,
and there is no one there to dry your tears,
I could hold you for a million years
to make you feel my love.

I know you haven't made your mind up yet,
but I would never do you wrong.
I've known it from the moment that we met,
no doubt in my mind where you belong.

I'd go hungry; I'd go black and blue,
I'd go crawling down the avenue.
No, there's nothing that I wouldn't do
to make you feel my love.

The storms are raging on the rolling sea
and on the highway of regret.
The winds of change are blowing wild and free,
you ain't seen nothing like me yet.

I could make you happy, make your dreams come true.
Nothing that I wouldn't do.
Go to the ends of the Earth for you,
to make you feel my love

----

rumi; wise sage

2011-01-23T20:07:00.001-06:00

“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.” -Rumi

After watching "Valentine's Day" today with the kids, I heard one Rumi quote and decided that I needed to go read some more of his writing. As it turns out, I'm quite impressed with a lot of what I read. It also goes to show you that good advice stands the test of time. He wrote the above over 700 years ago.

So it had me thinking. What are my barriers to love?

In a general sense, I don't think I have many. When it gets closer to the heart on an individual basis, I'd say that I probably have to bring out the sledgehammer and start dropping walls.

I had an interesting thing happen to me the other day. A guy that I went on a few dates with, nothing serious, and remained casual friends/acquaintances, was talking to me about relationships while we were catching up. We talked about our current lives and kids and the entire conversation was fairly lighthearted, then he switched gears.

He told me that he knew that I wasn't really looking for a major relationship when he met me, because I did express that to him, but that he thinks that he held back a larger part of himself because he didn't want to seem to smother me with affection. He's a really nice guy, but honestly, there's a fairly larger age difference than I would like and I just didn't "feel" a deeper connection- or the potential for one.

Then he asked about some of the people in my life now, and asked me point blank how I felt about each of them. When he asked me about one person, my eyes softened when he asked me, "Do you love him?"

He caught it, and I'm not sure who was more surprised, him or me, that the words, "Yes, I do love him" tumbled out of my mouth with such speed and assurance.

I'm not the sappy type, I guess, but that marked a first for me. Admitting it to someone else.

Of course, that knocked down a pretty large and significant barrier within me. I was forced to admit just how much he actually means to me. And forced to live with that realization. So here it is, I do love him. Maybe one day, he'll love me in return again. Until then, I'm kind of happy just with the realization itself.

Little Life Lesson

2011-01-23T14:58:00.000-06:00

I've been sick this week. In my congestion, I figured that the icy hot stick in my medicine cabinet could double as a vicks vaporub stand in.
The answer here is NO.
I now have a rash on my chest where I rubbed the icy hot.

Lesson learned.