The Queen and King

Should You Save Your Relationship with Your Unloving Mother?

2016-09-25T22:28:00.000-04:00

I reviewed Peg Streep's book, "Mean Mothers, Overcoming a Legacy of Hurt" (click here to read) as well as discussed some of her points in the blog entry: Divorcing Your Mean Mother.

In the book, one of the most powerful moments is when Streep gets the call from her brother that her estranged mother is dying (page 31), the comment from him that he thought she might want to come see her, and the decision Streep makes. I was on the edge of my seat, wondering what decision Streep would make. Ultimately, Streep's decision and her feelings about her decision mirror what I have concluded to do. Powerful passages that, as Streep says, "testifies to what can happen when a mother can't love her daughter in the way she needs to be loved" (page 33). Overall, the book was powerful, validating, and profoundly meaningful-- and highly recommended.

Now she's published an outstanding article in Psychology Today that is just too good not to share. This article hits the nail on the head multiple times and gave me 'ah ha' moments more than once. The quotation that truly connected with me is, “When a parent lies, sabotages, manipulates, and treats her own child with hate there is no way a ‘relationship’ can be salvaged! I went no contact to save myself. Why would I go back like I did one hundred times, hoping things would improve just to get hurt worse, to question my self-worth, and to believe, once again, that there was something wrong with me.” Wow. Bam. That is it.

Hopefully, this article will hit home with you, too, if you are battling through hard choices pertaining to your unloving and narcissistic mother: Can You Salvage Your Relationship With Mom? Should You?

UPDATE | Still No Contact and Life is Good

2016-07-06T19:24:00.000-04:00

Hello everyone! I get so many emails daily from readers asking if I am doing well and if I am still active with this blog. Yes, I am still here; however, due to time restraints, I haven't written a new blog entry in quite some time. I appreciate the emails, however, and value each one.

So, this post is simply a check-in to let everyone know that after 12 years, I still haven't had any contact with my mother, and after 8 years, I haven't had contact with my Dad. Neither has reached out to me, and I have not reached out to them ... and my life has been very peaceful and drama-free.

My child is now 9 years old. She has asked about my mother and Dad, and I have told her in generalities what happened during my childhood to present. I try to keep the information factual, simple, and matter-of-fact. I don't lay blame, but rather simply relate what happened. She is very supportive and understanding.

When she was younger, I was concerned that if she knew about happened between my parents and me that she would assume that was the 'norm'. I am glad that the questions didn't start until she was older so she had lots of experience with healthy family dynamics. She understands that what happened between my parents and me (as well as my brother) was / is not normal and that no contact was / is necessary.

My child and I have also spoken about how my brother, who was raised with the same parents in the same situation, had a totally different outcome in his life than me-- illustrating that your life is what you make of it rather than what happens to you. I chose to work hard, prosper, and muster on despite the poor circumstances; whereas, he chose to use the poor circumstances as an excuse for laziness, lack of motivation, and not trying. My child sees these differences and realizes that while my brother and I both had troubled childhoods and abusive parents, life is what you make of it.

So, do I have any regrets regarding no contact with my parents at this point? Absolutely not. Life has been amazingly peaceful: manipulation free and non-toxic. I have closure and have moved forward. My husband is not subjected to the drama and confusion anymore. And my child will not be put in the middle of any of the mind-games or pathology. She has a very healthy and loving relationship with my mother's sister and sister's husband (Nana and Papa) as well as my husband's parents. Thankfully, she won't have to live through the trials, tribulations, and struggles of BPD and NPD.

One concern has been and always will be until it happens: what will I do when they each passes-away? My child even posed this question to me. I would say that this question is the last remaining issue surrounding my parents. In regard to this, many life changing events have happened in the last decade that neither parent or those close to them have notified me. These events included my mother almost dying from 3 strokes, my Dad having serious surgery, and more. My intuition tells me that I won't find out from anyone notifying me; however, I may find out from a random post appearing on my Facebook wall which is fine. If we choose not to have a relationship during life, why would things all of the sudden change due to death?

Anyway, I hope to get back to blogging regularly. Work has kept me very busy (I am grateful and appreciative), and family life is always a super fun adventure (which again, I am grateful and appreciative). Until then, remember, if you are a grown child of a BPD and NPD parents, my love and best wishes go out to you. You are a war veteran in every sense of the word, and your psychic landscape, no doubt, looks something like what's left after a bombing attack-- but it CAN and WILL get better!

Defying Gravity by Breaking Free from Narcissistic Parents

2014-03-20T11:54:00.004-04:00

Do you have a song that so perfectly describes how you feel that you get goose-bumps from head to toe? Perhaps the song brings you to tears because the emotions behind it truly ring clearly. The song, Defying Gravity from the musical Wicked, is more than empowering and emotional for me (see video and lyrics below). The song sweeps through the dysfunctional and toxic relationship with my BPD mother and NPD father into the realization that I will never have their unconditional love to actually breaking free and flying away. First some background information about The Wizard of Oz (1939) and the musical Wicked.

The Wizard of Oz (1939)

Dorothy Gale is a young farm girl who lives in Kansas in the early 1900s. She is whisked away in a tornado and lands in Oz. She is greeted by the good witch Glinda, who tells Dorothy to follow the yellow brick road to the Emerald City where the Wizard of Oz might be able to help her get back home. The Wizard agrees to grant her wish (along with the Scarecrow, Tin Man, and Lion & their wishes) but not until they bring him the Witch of the West's broom. On their way to the Witch's castle, they are ambushed by flying monkeys but still manage to obtain the broom. Back at the Emerald City, the Wizard still refuses to grant their wishes, however Toto (Dorothy's pet dog) exposes the "Wizard" as a normal middle-aged man who admits he's a fraud.

Wicked the Musical

In the musical Wicked, Elphaba is an outcast because of her green skin and is even shunned by her own father. She stands up for the downtrodden and oppressed, which in in this case are the intelligent animals whose powers of speech and reason are being stripped away by the Wizard who is systematically enslaving them. The magicless Wizard calls upon the magical young Elphaba to become his partner, which is a dream come true for Elphaba until she discovers the Wizard's wicked ways. She turns down fame and glory and instead goes underground, becoming a fugitive while aiding the animals when and where she can. Elphaba refuses to stay silent when she witnesses evil.

Elphaba pays for her defiance. She is disparaged by the Wizard's cohort, her former headmistress Madame Morrible causing the people of Oz to want her dead. She becomes known as the Wicked Witch of the West and is falsely accused of spreading terror and lies throughout the land. Desperate, she considers making peace with the Wizard and is literally captivated his song-and-dance routine about how wonderful it is to be considered wonderful. She discovers that he has enslaved her former professor, Dr. Dillamond the goat, who can no longer speak or stand upright. She is incensed all over again and flees, which is her last straw.

"Defying Gravity" Lyrics

Defying Gravity (see lyrics below) is the finale for Wicked's first act when Elphaba discovers that The Wizard of Oz is not the heroic figure she had originally believed. With this realization, Elphaba vows to do everything in her power to fight the Wizard and his sinister ways. She sings of how she wants to live without limits, going against the rules that others have set for her. At this point, she doesn't know that the Wizard is her father but finds out in the end. The Wizard uses campaigns of denigration against Elphaba, turning the public against her. She later learns that the Wizard is in fact a powerless fraud.

Lyrics ranging from the 'playing by the rules of someone else's game' to being forced to 'accepting limits 'cause someone says they're so' to realizing with our relationship there are 'things I cannot change' truly describe the dysfunctional mind games, unhealthy boundaries, immense control, and emotional damage resulted from my BPD / NPD parents.

Additionally, the lyrics 'too long I've been afraid of losing love I guess I've lost. Well, if that's love, it comes at much too high a cost!' so clearly relate to the raw honesty regarding the relationship with my parents. Having to sacrifice my integrity and self-worth in order to keep them in my lives was indeed much to high a cost- and for a love I never truly had in the first place.

The song also depicts how I felt when I ultimately decided to indefinitely cut ties and fly free: 'too late for second-guessing, too late to go back to sleep, it's time to trust my instincts, close my eyes and leap!' and 'if I'm flying solo, at least I'm flying free'. That lyric about flying solo and flying free really hits my heart hard as if I could choose it some other way, I would. I would like to have a big, happy family that is loving, supportive, and safe. But being emotionally tied to their control and manipulations was not healthy or acceptable. So, flying solo in order to fly free is the best possible option.

The lyrics "As someone told me lately, everyone deserves a chance to fly" are so illustrative of how a dysfunctional relationship can be so stifling- and how a controlling and narcissistic parent can truly chain you down.When she sings that lyric, I can feel my freedom and how I am flying free now, which is truly breathtaking.

Another powerful statement in the song is when she says, "To those who ground me, take a message back from me- tell them how I am defying gravity." I get goosebumps- the power and strength behind that statement are immense.

The ending truly wraps up the deeply meaningful song with the following lyrics, "And nobody in all of Oz, no Wizard that there is or was, is ever gonna bring me down!" Those words are so poignant because one of the most helpful books I read when trying to learn about my mother's BPD and father's NPD was Eleanor Payson's book, The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists: Coping with the One-Way Relationship in Work, Love, and Family.

Living in and Leaving Oz

After someone with NPD has seduced us, we often feel like a tornado transported us to Oz. Dorothy's journey encapsulated all the manipulative illusions and challenges that transpires when we interact with an NPD. Dorothy believed that the Wizard was the only one who had the power to help her, and she embarked on one convoluted adventure after another to find favor and win his approval.

Similarly, children want so badly to have their parent(s) approval and attention just as Elphaba did when the Wizard wanted her as a *partner*. Elphaba discovers she was manipulated and deceived just as I did many times through the decades with my parents. Whether through parental alienation, silent treatments, campaigns of denigration, estrangement and more, I continually was hopefully of an unconditional and authentic relationship with my parents only to discover the truth behind their actions.

Just as Elphaba is in Wicked, children of NPD can be shunned, not accepted by parent(s), expected to believe in the facade that the parent created (Oz), and controlled to the point of compromising integrity and personal growth. The sense of reality is muddled, doubted, and turned upside-down. Constant exposure to the parent's skewed sensibility combined with isolation from friends / family feels like living in a strange land of Oz with the Wizard of Oz (parent) manipulating, controlling, and deceiving.

Further, flying monkeys are sent to do the dirty work for the NPD (Enlisting Allies Against Target of Rage) such as used against Dorothy. Flying monkeys being a term taken from The Wizard of Oz to describe those the NPD manipulates into doing their dirty work, typically in the form of abuse by proxy. The NPD parent manipulates others into harming their target of rage (*true victim*) through willfully ignorant or easily deceived friends and family. The abuse by proxy results from ignorance of the truth or lack of character to stand up for the truth. Whether it is directly or indirectly, physically or emotionally, an NPD will use flying monkeys to do their dirty work.

Additionally, the children of NPD parents can be disparaged throughout their life through campaigns of denigration, causing people to think the child is wicked like Elphaba. By the time the target is aware of the distortions, people around the NPD may have been hearing for a long time that the target is some evil, horrible, cruel person as part of the campaign of denigration.

Everyone Deserves a Chance to Fly!

We all want to be the recipient of unconditional love but if it comes at such a high cost, is it unconditional? No, the cost is the condition so the love is not unconditional. Let go of the hope that your critical parent will ever change. Stop looking for approval from the parent. Understand why the parent is like this, but stop looking to them for approval and support you will probably never get. Having a critical parent is not your fault, and you can't make this critical parent into a kind, approving, and loving parent.

In the end, breaking free of the critical parent is defying gravity. Everyone certain does deserve a chance to fly. No two parental situations are exactly the same, so what may work in one situation may not be the best in another. However, doing something to improve your situation is imperative when dealing with a critical parent. By simply being conscious of the effects of criticism, you'll actually begin to negate the effects. Bringing to the surface the impact of criticism can actually help it dissipate and lose the power it has in your life. And if you have to fly solo, at least you're flying free. We all deserve happiness and peace in our lives. Don't let the Wizard or anyone else bring you down :)

Defying Gravity

Something has changed within me
Something is not the same
I'm through with playing by the rules
Of someone else's game
Too late for second-guessing
Too late to go back to sleep
It's time to trust my instincts
Close my eyes and leap!

It's time to try
Defying gravity
I think I'll try
Defying gravity
And you can't pull me down!

I'm through accepting limits
'cause someone says they're so
Some things I cannot change
But until I try, I'll never know!
Too long I've been afraid of
Losing love I guess I've lost
Well, if that's love
It comes at much too high a cost!

I'd sooner buy
Defying gravity
Kiss me goodbye
I'm defying gravity
And you can't pull me down

So if you care to find me
Look to the western sky!
As someone told me lately,
"Everyone deserves the chance to fly!"
And if I'm flying solo
At least I'm flying free
To those who'd ground me
Take a message back from me

Tell them how I am
Defying gravity
I'm flying high
Defying gravity
And soon I'll match them in the renown

And nobody in all of Oz
No Wizard that there is or was
Is ever gonna bring me down!

Maternal Narcissism Test | Is This Your Mother?

2014-03-11T14:54:00.002-04:00

With a Narcissistic Disorder Personality (NPD) parent, the focus appears to be on the child but the reality is that little regard for the child is actually contained in their parenting style. The heart of the NPD's parenting is the parent’s own emotional needs. The result is a feeling of emptiness for the child and a critical inner voice. Ultimately, the adult-child, albeit almost always unconscious, tends to repeat those patterns or live out the parents’ prescriptions for hers / his life.

Was your parent narcissistic, namely your mother? Take this test and see how you score. Check all those that apply to your relationship with your mother:

When you discuss your life issues with your mother, does she divert the discussion to talk about herself?
When you discuss your feelings with your mother, does she try to top the feeling with her own?
Does your mother act jealous of you? Does your mother lack empathy for your feelings?
Does your mother only support those things you do that reflect on her as a “good mother”?
Have you consistently felt a lack of emotional closeness with your mother?
Have you consistently questioned whether or not your mother likes you or loves you?
Does your mother only do things for you when others can see?
When something happens in your life (accident, illness, divorce), does your mother react with how it will affect her rather than how you feel?
Is or was your mother overly conscious of what others think (neighbors, friends, family, co-workers)?
Does your mother deny her own feelings?
Does your mother blame things on you or others rather than own responsibility for her own feelings or actions?
Is or was your mother hurt easily and then carries a grudge for a long time without resolving the problem?
Do you feel you were a slave to your mother?
Do you feel you were responsible for your mother’s ailments or sickness (headaches, stress, illness)?
Did you have to take care of your mother’s physical needs as a child?
Do you feel unaccepted by your mother?
Do you feel your mother was critical of you?
Do you feel helpless in the presence of your mother?
Are you shamed often by your mother?
Do you feel your mother knows the real you?
Does your mother act like the world should revolve around her?
Do you find it difficult to be a separate person from your mother?
Does your mother appear phony to you?
Does your mother want to control your choices?
Does your mother swing from egotistical to depressed mood?
Did you feel you had to take care of your mother’s emotional needs as a child?
Do you feel manipulated in the presence of your mother?
Do you feel valued, by mother, for what you do rather than who you are?
Is your mother controlling, acting like a victim or martyr?
Does your mother make you act different from how you really feel?
Does your mother compete with you?
Does your mother always have to have things her way?

Score: All of these questions relate to narcissistic traits. The more questions you checked, the more likely your mother has narcissistic traits and this has caused some difficulty for you as a growing child and adult.

If you are dealing with an NPD parent, it's very difficult. You can take these progressive steps:

Acceptance- accept her for who she is and give up expectations of having a *normal* mother- child relationship. Don't play her games and set boundaries.
Low Contact- severely limit the amount of time you spend with her. Make contact be on your terms. She may argue, or try to get over this - turning up uninvited etc, but you'll need to be firm.
No Contact- have no contact with the NPD parent. You can announce the estrangement or you can simply stop contact. Realize that you will have collateral damage along the way too.

Reference: Will I Ever Be Good Enough? Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers by Karyl McBride, Ph.D.

Traits of Maternal Narcissism

2014-03-11T12:00:00.000-04:00

Characteristics of Narcissistic Mothers

2014-03-11T11:57:00.000-04:00

"It's about secret things. The destructive narcissistic parent creates a child that only exists to be an extension of her self. It's about body language. It's about disapproving glances. It's about vocal tone. It's very intimate. And it's very powerful. It's part of who the child is." Chris

When we live with someone who exhibits the "outward-acting" type of Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) or Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), we learn to tolerate ongoing oppression by an abusive bully (aka, your very own parent). I certainly experienced this and felt this way growing up with a BPD mother who used me (figuratively) as her whipping post. I experienced her as controlling and intimidating and went to great lengths to walk on eggshells. I also put great effort into pleasing her (ie: trying to be *perfect*), a futile tactic family members use (especially the people pleasers) to contain conflict.

Characteristics of Narcissistic Mothers

1. Everything she does is deniable. There is always a facile excuse or an explanation. Cruelties are couched in loving terms. Aggressive and hostile acts are paraded as thoughtfulness. Selfish manipulations are presented as gifts. Criticism and slander is slyly disguised as concern. She only wants what is best for you. She only wants to help you.

She rarely says right out that she thinks you’re inadequate. Instead, any time that you tell her you’ve done something good, she counters with something your sibling did that was better or she simply ignores you or she hears you out without saying anything, then in a short time does something cruel to you so you understand not to get above yourself. She will carefully separate cause (your joy in your accomplishment) from effect (refusing to let you borrow the car to go to the awards ceremony) by enough time that someone who didn’t live through her abuse would never believe the connection.

Many of her putdowns are simply by comparison. She’ll talk about how wonderful someone else is or what a wonderful job they did on something you’ve also done or how highly she thinks of them. The contrast is left up to you. She has let you know that you’re no good without saying a word. She’ll spoil your pleasure in something by simply congratulating you for it in an angry, envious voice that conveys how unhappy she is, again, completely deniably. It is impossible to confront someone over their tone of voice, their demeanor or they way they look at you, but once your narcissistic mother has you trained, she can promise terrible punishment without a word. As a result, you’re always afraid, always in the wrong, and can never exactly put your finger on why.

Because her abusiveness is part of a lifelong campaign of control and because she is careful to rationalize her abuse, it is extremely difficult to explain to other people what is so bad about her. She’s also careful about when and how she engages in her abuses. She’s very secretive, a characteristic of almost all abusers (“Don’t wash our dirty laundry in public!”) and will punish you for telling anyone else what she’s done. The times and locations of her worst abuses are carefully chosen so that no one who might intervene will hear or see her bad behavior, and she will seem like a completely different person in public. She’ll slam you to other people, but will always embed her devaluing nuggets of snide gossip in protestations of concern, love and understanding (“I feel so sorry for poor Cynthia. She always seems to have such a hard time, but I just don’t know what I can do for her!”) As a consequence the children of narcissists universally report that no one believes them (“I have to tell you that she always talks about YOU in the most caring way!). Unfortunately therapists, given the deniable actions of the narcissist and eager to defend a fellow parent, will often jump to the narcissist’s defense as well, reinforcing your sense of isolation and helplessness (“I’m sure she didn’t mean it like that!”)

2. She violates your boundaries. You feel like an extension of her. Your property is given away without your consent, sometimes in front of you. Your food is eaten off your plate or given to others off your plate. Your property may be repossessed and no reason given other than that it was never yours. Your time is committed without consulting you, and opinions purported to be yours are expressed for you. (She LOVES going to the fair! He would never want anything like that. She wouldn’t like kumquats.) You are discussed in your presence as though you are not there. She keeps tabs on your bodily functions and humiliates you by divulging the information she gleans, especially when it can be used to demonstrate her devotion and highlight her martyrdom to your needs (“Mike had that problem with frequent urination too, only his was much worse. I was so worried about him!”) You have never known what it is like to have privacy in the bathroom or in your bedroom, and she goes through your things regularly. She asks nosy questions, snoops into your email/letters/diary/conversations. She will want to dig into your feelings, particularly painful ones and is always looking for negative information on you which can be used against you. She does things against your expressed wishes frequently. All of this is done without seeming embarrassment or thought.

Any attempt at autonomy on your part is strongly resisted. Normal rites of passage (learning to shave, wearing makeup, dating) are grudgingly allowed only if you insist, and you’re punished for your insistence (“Since you’re old enough to date, I think you’re old enough to pay for your own clothes!”) If you demand age-appropriate clothing, grooming, control over your own life, or rights, you are difficult and she ridicules your “independence.”

3. She picks favorites. Narcissistic mothers commonly choose one (sometimes more) child to be the golden child and one (sometimes more) to be the scapegoat. The narcissist identifies with the golden child and provides privileges to him or her as long as the golden child does just as she wants. The golden child has to be cared for assiduously by everyone in the family. The scapegoat has no needs and instead gets to do the caring. The golden child can do nothing wrong. The scapegoat is always at fault. This creates divisions between the children, one of whom has a large investment in the mother being wise and wonderful, and the other(s) who hate her. That division will be fostered by the narcissist with lies and with blatantly unfair and favoritizing behavior. The golden child will defend the mother and indirectly perpetuate the abuse by finding reasons to blame the scapegoat for the mother’s actions. The golden child may also directly take on the narcissistic mother’s tasks by physically abusing the scapegoat so the narcissistic mother doesn’t have to do that herself.

4. She undermines. Your accomplishments are acknowledged only to the extent that she can take credit for them. Any success or accomplishment for which she cannot take credit is ignored or diminished. Any time you are to be center stage and there is no opportunity for her to be the center of attention, she will try to prevent the occasion altogether, or she doesn’t come, or she leaves early, or she acts like it’s no big deal, or she steals the spotlight or she slips in little wounding comments about how much better someone else did or how what you did wasn’t as much as you could have done or as you think it is. She undermines you by picking fights with you or being especially unpleasant just before you have to make a major effort. She acts put out if she has to do anything to support your opportunities or will outright refuse to do even small things in support of you. She will be nasty to you about things that are peripherally connected with your successes so that you find your joy in what you’ve done is tarnished, without her ever saying anything directly about it. No matter what your success, she has to take you down a peg about it.

5. She demeans, criticizes and denigrates. She lets you know in all sorts of little ways that she thinks less of you than she does of your siblings or of other people in general. If you complain about mistreatment by someone else, she will take that person’s side even if she doesn’t know them at all. She doesn’t care about those people or the justice of your complaints. She just wants to let you know that you’re never right.

She will deliver generalized barbs that are almost impossible to rebut (always in a loving, caring tone): “You were always difficult” “You can be very difficult to love” “You never seemed to be able to finish anything” “You were very hard to live with” “You’re always causing trouble” “No one could put up with the things you do.” She will deliver slams in a sidelong way - for example she’ll complain about how “no one” loves her, does anything for her, or cares about her, or she’ll complain that “everyone” is so selfish, when you’re the only person in the room. As always, this combines criticism with deniability.

She will slip little comments into conversation that she really enjoyed something she did with someone else - something she did with you too, but didn’t like as much. She’ll let you know that her relationship with some other person you both know is wonderful in a way your relationship with her isn’t - the carefully unspoken message being that you don’t matter much to her.

She minimizes, discounts or ignores your opinions and experiences. Your insights are met with condescension, denials and accusations (“I think you read too much!”) and she will brush off your information even on subjects on which you are an acknowledged expert. Whatever you say is met with smirks and amused sounding or exaggerated exclamations (“Uh hunh!” “You don’t say!” “Really!”). She’ll then make it clear that she didn’t listen to a word you said.

6. She makes you look crazy. If you try to confront her about something she’s done, she’ll tell you that you have “a very vivid imagination” (this is a phrase commonly used by abusers of all sorts to invalidate your experience of their abuse) that you don’t know what you’re talking about, or that she has no idea what you’re talking about. She will claim not to remember even very memorable events, flatly denying they ever happened, nor will she ever acknowledge any possibility that she might have forgotten. This is an extremely aggressive and exceptionally infuriating tactic called “gaslighting,” common to abusers of all kinds. Your perceptions of reality are continually undermined so that you end up without any confidence in your intuition, your memory or your powers of reasoning. This makes you a much better victim for the abuser.

Narcissists gaslight routinely. The narcissist will either insinuate or will tell you outright that you’re unstable, otherwise you wouldn’t believe such ridiculous things or be so uncooperative. You’re oversensitive. You’re imagining things. You’re hysterical. You’re completely unreasonable. You’re over-reacting, like you always do. She’ll talk to you when you’ve calmed down and aren’t so irrational. She may even characterize you as being neurotic or psychotic.

Once she’s constructed these fantasies of your emotional pathologies, she’ll tell others about them, as always, presenting her smears as expressions of concern and declaring her own helpless victimhood. She didn’t do anything. She has no idea why you’re so irrationally angry with her. You’ve hurt her terribly. She thinks you may need psychotherapy. She loves you very much and would do anything to make you happy, but she just doesn’t know what to do. You keep pushing her away when all she wants to do is help you.

She has simultaneously absolved herself of any responsibility for your obvious antipathy towards her, implied that it’s something fundamentally wrong with you that makes you angry with her, and undermined your credibility with her listeners. She plays the role of the doting mother so perfectly that no one will believe you.

7. She’s envious. Any time you get something nice she’s angry and envious and her envy will be apparent when she admires whatever it is. She’ll try to get it from you, spoil it for you, or get the same or better for herself. She’s always working on ways to get what other people have. The envy of narcissistic mothers often includes competing sexually with their daughters or daughters-in-law. They’ll attempt to forbid their daughters to wear makeup, to groom themselves in an age-appropriate way or to date. They will criticize the appearance of their daughters and daughters-in-law. This envy extends to relationships. Narcissistic mothers infamously attempt to damage their children’s marriages and interfere in the upbringing of their grandchildren.

8. She’s a liar in too many ways to count. Any time she talks about something that has emotional significance for her, it’s a fair bet that she’s lying. Lying is one way that she creates conflict in the relationships and lives of those around her - she’ll lie to them about what other people have said, what they’ve done, or how they feel. She’ll lie about her relationship with them, about your behavior or about your situation in order to inflate herself and to undermine your credibility.

The narcissist is very careful about how she lies. To outsiders she’ll lie thoughtfully and deliberately, always in a way that can be covered up if she’s confronted with her lie. She spins what you said rather than makes something up wholesale. She puts dishonest interpretations on things you actually did. If she’s recently done something particularly egregious she may engage in preventative lying: she lies in advance to discount what you might say before you even say it. Then when you talk about what she did you’ll be cut off with “I already know all about it…your mother told me… (self-justifications and lies).” Because she is so careful about her deniability, it may be very hard to catch her in her lies and the more gullible of her friends may never realize how dishonest she is.

To you, she’ll lie blatantly. She will claim to be unable to remember bad things she has done, even if she did one of them recently and even if it was something very memorable. Of course, if you try to jog her memory by recounting the circumstances “You have a very vivid imagination” or “That was so long ago. Why do you have to dredge up your old grudges?” Your conversations with her are full of casual brush-offs and diversionary lies and she doesn’t respect you enough to bother making it sound good. For example she’ll start with a self-serving lie: “If I don’t take you as a dependent on my taxes I’ll lose three thousand dollars!” You refute her lie with an obvious truth: “No, three thousand dollars is the amount of the dependent exemption. You’ll only lose about eight hundred dollars.” Her response: “Isn’t that what I said?” You are now in a game with only one rule: You can’t win.

On the rare occasions she is forced to acknowledge some bad behavior, she will couch the admission deniably. She “guesses” that “maybe” she “might have” done something wrong. The wrongdoing is always heavily spun and trimmed to make it sound better. The words “I guess,” “maybe,” and “might have” are in and of themselves lies because she knows exactly what she did - no guessing, no might haves, no maybes.

9. She has to be the center of attention all the time. This need is a defining trait of narcissists and particularly of narcissistic mothers for whom their children exist to be sources of attention and adoration. Narcissistic mothers love to be waited on and often pepper their children with little requests. “While you’re up…” or its equivalent is one of their favorite phrases. You couldn’t just be assigned a chore at the beginning of the week or of the day, instead, you had to do it on demand, preferably at a time that was inconvenient for you, or you had to “help” her do it, fetching and carrying for her while she made up to herself for the menial work she had to do as your mother by glorying in your attentions.

A narcissistic mother may create odd occasions at which she can be the center of attention, such as memorials for someone close to her who died long ago, or major celebrations of small personal milestones. She may love to entertain so she can be the life of her own party. She will try to steal the spotlight or will try to spoil any occasion where someone else is the center of attention, particularly the child she has cast as the scapegoat. She often invites herself along where she isn’t welcome. If she visits you or you visit her, you are required to spend all your time with her. Entertaining herself is unthinkable. She has always pouted, manipulated or raged if you tried to do anything without her, didn’t want to entertain her, refused to wait on her, stymied her plans for a drama or otherwise deprived her of attention.

Older narcissistic mothers often use the natural limitations of aging to manipulate dramas, often by neglecting their health or by doing things they know will make them ill. This gives them the opportunity to cash in on the investment they made when they trained you to wait on them as a child. Then they call you (or better still, get the neighbor or the nursing home administrator to call you) demanding your immediate attendance. You are to rush to her side, pat her hand, weep over her pain and listen sympathetically to her unending complaints about how hard and awful it is. (“Never get old!”) It’s almost never the case that you can actually do anything useful, and the causes of her disability may have been completely avoidable, but you’ve been put in an extremely difficult position. If you don’t provide the audience and attention she’s manipulating to get, you look extremely bad to everyone else and may even have legal culpability. (Narcissistic behaviors commonly accompany Alzheimer’s disease, so this behavior may also occur in perfectly normal mothers as they age.)

10. She manipulates your emotions in order to feed on your pain. This exceptionally sick and bizarre behavior is so common among narcissistic mothers that their children often call them “emotional vampires.” Some of this emotional feeding comes in the form of pure sadism. She does and says things just to be wounding or she engages in tormenting teasing or she needles you about things you’re sensitive about, all the while a smile plays over her lips. She may have taken you to scary movies or told you horrifying stories, then mocked you for being a baby when you cried, She will slip a wounding comment into conversation and smile delightedly into your hurt face. You can hear the laughter in her voice as she pressures you or says distressing things to you. Later she’ll gloat over how much she upset you, gaily telling other people that you’re so much fun to tease, and recruiting others to share in her amusement. . She enjoys her cruelties and makes no effort to disguise that. She wants you to know that your pain entertains her. She may bring up subjects that are painful for you and probe you about them, all the while watching you carefully. This is emotional vampirism in its purest form. She’s feeding emotionally off your pain.

A peculiar form of this emotional vampirism combines attention-seeking behavior with a demand that the audience suffer. Since narcissistic mothers often play the martyr this may take the form of wrenching, self-pitying dramas which she carefully produces, and in which she is the star performer. She sobs and wails that no one loves her and everyone is so selfish, and she doesn’t want to live, she wants to die! She wants to die! She will not seem to care how much the manipulation of their emotions and the self-pity repels other people. One weird behavior that is very common to narcissists: her dramas may also center around the tragedies of other people, often relating how much she suffered by association and trying to distress her listeners, as she cries over the horrible murder of someone she wouldn’t recognize if they had passed her on the street.

11. She’s selfish and willful. She always makes sure she has the best of everything. She insists on having her own way all the time and she will ruthlessly, manipulatively pursue it, even if what she wants isn’t worth all the effort she’s putting into it and even if that effort goes far beyond normal behavior. She will make a huge effort to get something you denied her, even if it was entirely your right to do so and even if her demand was selfish and unreasonable. If you tell her she cannot bring her friends to your party she will show up with them anyway, and she will have told them that they were invited so that you either have to give in, or be the bad guy to these poor dupes on your doorstep. If you tell her she can’t come over to your house tonight she’ll call your spouse and try get him or her to agree that she can, and to not say anything to you about it because it’s a “surprise.” She has to show you that you can’t tell her “no.”

One near-universal characteristic of narcissists: because they are so selfish and self-centered, they are very bad gift givers. They’ll give you hand-me-downs or market things for themselves as gifts for you (“I thought I’d give you my old bicycle and buy myself a new one!” “I know how much you love Italian food, so I’m going to take you to my favorite restaurant for your birthday!”) New gifts are often obviously cheap and are usually things that don’t suit you or that you can’t use or are a quid pro quo: if you buy her the gift she wants, she will buy you an item of your choice. She’ll make it clear that it pains her to give you anything. She may buy you a gift and get the identical item for herself, or take you shopping for a gift and get herself something nice at the same time to make herself feel better.

12. She’s self-absorbed. Her feelings, needs and wants are very important; yours are insignificant to the point that her least whim takes precedence over your most basic needs. Her problems deserve your immediate and full attention; yours are brushed aside. Her wishes always take precedence; if she does something for you, she reminds you constantly of her munificence in doing so and will often try to extract some sort of payment. She will complain constantly, even though your situation may be much worse than hers. If you point that out, she will effortlessly, thoughtlessly brush it aside as of no importance (It’s easy for you…/It’s different for you…).

13. She is insanely defensive and is extremely sensitive to any criticism. If you criticize her or defy her she will explode with fury, threaten, storm, rage, destroy and may become violent, beating, confining, putting her child outdoors in bad weather or otherwise engaging in classic physical abuse.

14. She terrorized. For all abusers, fear is a powerful means of control of the victim, and your narcissistic mother used it ruthlessly to train you. Narcissists teach you to beware their wrath even when they aren’t present. The only alternative is constant placation. If you give her everything she wants all the time, you might be spared. If you don’t, the punishments will come. Even adult children of narcissists still feel that carefully inculcated fear. Your narcissistic mother can turn it on with a silence or a look that tells the child in you she’s thinking about how she’s going to get even.

Not all narcissists abuse physically, but most do, often in subtle, deniable ways. It allows them to vent their rage at your failure to be the solution to their internal havoc and simultaneously to teach you to fear them. You may not have been beaten, but you were almost certainly left to endure physical pain when a normal mother would have made an effort to relieve your misery. This deniable form of battery allows her to store up her rage and dole out the punishment at a later time when she’s worked out an airtight rationale for her abuse, so she never risks exposure. You were left hungry because “you eat too much.” (Someone asked her if she was pregnant. She isn’t). You always went to school with stomach flu because “you don’t have a fever. You’re just trying to get out of school.” (She resents having to take care of you. You have a lot of nerve getting sick and adding to her burdens.) She refuses to look at your bloody heels and instead the shoes that wore those blisters on your heels are put back on your feet and you’re sent to the store in them because “You wanted those shoes. Now you can wear them.” (You said the ones she wanted to get you were ugly. She liked them because they were just like what she wore 30 years ago). The dentist was told not to give you Novocaine when he drilled your tooth because “he has to learn to take better care of his teeth.” (She has to pay for a filling and she’s furious at having to spend money on you.)

Narcissistic mothers also abuse by loosing others on you or by failing to protect you when a normal mother would have. Sometimes the narcissist’s golden child will be encouraged to abuse the scapegoat. Narcissists also abuse by exposing you to violence. If one of your siblings got beaten, she made sure you saw. She effortlessly put the fear of Mom into you, without raising a hand.

15. She’s infantile and petty. Narcissistic mothers are often simply childish. If you refuse to let her manipulate you into doing something, she will cry that you don’t love her because if you loved her you would do as she wanted. If you hurt her feelings she will aggressively whine to you that you’ll be sorry when she’s dead that you didn’t treat her better. These babyish complaints and responses may sound laughable, but the narcissist is dead serious about them. When you were a child, if you ask her to stop some bad behavior, she would justify it by pointing out something that you did that she feels is comparable, as though the childish behavior of a child is justification for the childish behavior of an adult. “Getting even” is a large part of her dealings with you. Anytime you fail to give her the deference, attention or service she feels she deserves, or you thwart her wishes, she has to show you.

16. She’s aggressive and shameless. She doesn’t ask. She demands. She makes outrageous requests and she’ll take anything she wants if she thinks she can get away with it. Her demands of her children are posed in a very aggressive way, as are her criticisms. She won’t take no for an answer, pushing and arm-twisting and manipulating to get you to give in.

17. She “parentifies.” She shed her responsibilities to you as soon as she was able, leaving you to take care of yourself as best you could. She denied you medical care, adequate clothing, necessary transportation or basic comforts that she would never have considered giving up for herself. She never gave you a birthday party or let you have sleepovers. Your friends were never welcome in her house. She didn’t like to drive you anywhere, so you turned down invitations because you had no way to get there. She wouldn’t buy your school pictures even if she could easily have afforded it. You had a niggardly clothing allowance or she bought you the cheapest clothing she could without embarrassing herself. As soon as you got a job, every request for school supplies, clothing or toiletries was met with “Now that you’re making money, why don’t you pay for that yourself?” You studied up on colleges on your own and choose a cheap one without visiting it. You signed yourself up for the SATs, earned the money to pay for them and talked someone into driving you to the test site. You worked three jobs to pay for that cheap college and when you finally got mononucleosis she chirped at you that she was “so happy you could take care of yourself.”

She also gave you tasks that were rightfully hers and should not have been placed on a child. You may have been a primary caregiver for young siblings or an incapacitated parent. You may have had responsibility for excessive household tasks. Above all, you were always her emotional caregiver which is one reason any defection from that role caused such enormous eruptions of rage. You were never allowed to be needy or have bad feelings or problems. Those experiences were only for her, and you were responsible for making it right for her. From the time you were very young she would randomly lash out at you any time she was stressed or angry with your father or felt that life was unfair to her, because it made her feel better to hurt you. You were often punished out of the blue, for manufactured offenses. As you got older she directly placed responsibility for her welfare and her emotions on you, weeping on your shoulder and unloading on you any time something went awry for her.

18. She’s exploitative. She will manipulate to get work, money, or objects she envies out of other people for nothing. This includes her children, of course. If she set up a bank account for you, she was trustee on the account with the right to withdraw money. As you put money into it, she took it out. She may have stolen your identity. She took you as a dependent on her income taxes so you couldn’t file independently without exposing her to criminal penalties. If she made an agreement with you, it was violated the minute it no longer served her needs. If you brought it up demanding she adhere to the agreement, she brushed you off and later punished you so you would know not to defy her again.

Sometimes the narcissist will exploit a child to absorb punishment that would have been hers from an abusive partner. The husband comes home in a drunken rage, and the mother immediately complains about the child’s bad behavior so the rage is vented on to the child. Sometimes the narcissistic mother simply uses the child to keep a sick marriage intact because the alternative is being divorced or having to go to work. The child is sexually molested but the mother never notices, or worse, calls the child a liar when she tells the mother about the molestation.

19. She projects. This sounds a little like psycho-babble, but it is something that narcissists all do. Projection means that she will put her own bad behavior, character and traits on you so she can deny them in herself and punish you. This can be very difficult to see if you have traits that she can project on to. An eating-disordered woman who obsesses over her daughter’s weight is projecting. The daughter may not realize it because she has probably internalized an absurdly thin vision of women’s weight and so accepts her mother’s projection. When the narcissist tells the daughter that she eats too much, needs to exercise more, or has to wear extra-large size clothes, the daughter believes it, even if it isn’t true. However, she will sometimes project even though it makes no sense at all. This happens when she feels shamed and needs to put it on her scapegoat child and the projection therefore comes across as being an attack out of the blue. For example: She makes an outrageous request, and you casually refuse to let her have her way. She’s enraged by your refusal and snarls at you that you’ll talk about it when you’ve calmed down and are no longer hysterical.

You aren’t hysterical at all; she is, but your refusal has made her feel the shame that should have stopped her from making shameless demands in the first place. That’s intolerable. She can transfer that shame to you and rationalize away your response: you only refused her because you’re so unreasonable. Having done that she can reassert her shamelessness and indulge her childish willfulness by turning an unequivocal refusal into a subject for further discussion. You’ll talk about it again “later” - probably when she’s worn you down with histrionics, pouting and the silent treatment so you’re more inclined to do what she wants.

20. She is never wrong about anything. No matter what she’s done, she won’t ever genuinely apologize for anything. Instead, any time she feels she is being made to apologize she will sulk and pout, issue an insulting apology or negate the apology she has just made with justifications, qualifications or self pity: “I’m sorry you felt that I humiliated you” “I’m sorry if I made you feel bad” “If I did that it was wrong” “I’m sorry, but I there’s nothing I can do about it” “I’m sorry I made you feel clumsy, stupid and disgusting” “I’m sorry but it was just a joke. You’re so over-sensitive” “I’m sorry that my own child feels she has to upset me and make me feel bad.” The last insulting apology is also an example of projection.

21. She seems to have no awareness that other people even have feelings. She’ll occasionally slip and say something jaw-droppingly callous because of this lack of empathy. It isn’t that she doesn’t care at all about other people’s feelings, though she doesn’t. It would simply never occur to her to think about their feelings. An absence of empathy is the defining trait of a narcissist and underlies most of the other traits I have described. Unlike psychopaths, narcissists do understand right, wrong, and consequences, so they are not ordinarily criminal. She beat you, but not to the point where you went to the hospital. She left you standing out in the cold until you were miserable, but not until you had hypothermia. She put you in the basement in the dark with no clothes on, but she only left you there for two hours.

22. She blames. She’ll blame you for everything that isn’t right in her life or for what other people do or for whatever has happened. Always, she’ll blame you for her abuse. You made her do it. If only you weren’t so difficult. You upset her so much that she can’t think straight. Things were hard for her and your backtalk pushed her over the brink. This blaming is often so subtle that all you know is that you thought you were wronged and now you feel guilty. Your brother beats you and her response is to bemoan how uncivilized children are. Your boyfriend dumped you, but she can understand - after all, she herself has seen how difficult you are to love. She’ll do something egregiously exploitative to you, and when confronted will screech at you that she can’t believe you were so selfish as to upset her over such a trivial thing. She’ll also blame you for your reaction to her selfish, cruel and exploitative behavior. She can’t believe you are so petty, so small, and so childish as to object to her giving your favorite dress to her friend. She thought you would be happy to let her do something nice for someone else.

Narcissists are masters of multitasking as this example shows. Simultaneously your narcissistic mother is 1) Lying. She knows what she did was wrong and she knows your reaction is reasonable. 2) Manipulating. She’s making you look like the bad guy for objecting to her cruelties. 3) Being selfish. She doesn’t mind making you feel horrible as long as she gets her own way. 4) Blaming. She did something wrong, but it’s all your fault. 5) Projecting. Her petty, small and childish behavior has become yours. 6) Putting on a self-pitying drama. She’s a martyr who believed the best of you, and you’ve let her down. 7) Parentifying. You’re responsible for her feelings, she has no responsibility for yours.

23. She destroys your relationships. Narcissistic mothers are like tornadoes: wherever they touch down families are torn apart and wounds are inflicted. Unless the father has control over the narcissist and holds the family together, adult siblings in families with narcissistic mothers characteristically have painful relationships. Typically all communication between siblings is superficial and driven by duty, or they may never talk to each other at all. In part, these women foster dissension between their children because they enjoy the control it gives them. If those children don’t communicate except through the mother, she can decide what everyone hears. Narcissists also love the excitement and drama they create by interfering in their children’s lives. Watching people’s lives explode is better than soap operas, especially when you don’t have any empathy for their misery.

The narcissist nurtures anger, contempt and envy - the most corrosive emotions - to drive her children apart. While her children are still living at home, any child who stands up to the narcissist guarantees punishment for the rest. In her zest for revenge, the narcissist purposefully turns the siblings’ anger on the dissenter by including everyone in her retaliation. (“I can see that nobody here loves me! Well I’ll just take these Christmas presents back to the store. None of you would want anything I got you anyway!”) The other children, long trained by the narcissist to give in, are furious with the trouble-making child, instead of with the narcissist who actually deserves their anger.

The narcissist also uses favoritism and gossip to poison her children's’ relationships. The scapegoat sees the mother as a creature of caprice and cruelty. As is typical of the privileged, the other children don’t see her unfairness and they excuse her abuses. Indeed, they are often recruited by the narcissist to adopt her contemptuous and entitled attitude towards the scapegoat and with her tacit or explicit permission, will inflict further abuse. The scapegoat predictably responds with fury and equal contempt. After her children move on with adult lives, the narcissist makes sure to keep each apprised of the doings of the others, passing on the most discreditable and juicy gossip (as always, disguised as “concern”) about the other children, again, in a way that engenders contempt rather than compassion.

Having been raised by a narcissist, her children are predisposed to be envious, and she takes full advantage of the opportunity that presents. While she may never praise you to your face, she will likely crow about your victories to the very sibling who is not doing well. She’ll tell you about the generosity she displayed towards that child, leaving you wondering why you got left out and irrationally angry at the favored child rather than at the narcissist who told you about it.

The end result is a family in which almost all communication is triangular. The narcissist, the spider in the middle of the family web, sensitively monitors all the children for information she can use to retain her unchallenged control over the family. She then passes that on to the others, creating the resentments that prevent them from communicating directly and freely with each other. The result is that the only communication between the children is through the narcissist, exactly the way she wants it.

24. As a last resort she goes pathetic. When she’s confronted with unavoidable consequences for her own bad behavior, including your anger, she will melt into a soggy puddle of weepy helplessness. It’s all her fault. She can’t do anything right. She feels so bad. What she doesn’t do: own the responsibility for her bad conduct and make it right. Instead, as always, it’s all about her, and her helpless self-pitying weepiness dumps the responsibility for her consequences AND for her unhappiness about it on you. As so often with narcissists, it is also a manipulative behavior. If you fail to excuse her bad behavior and make her feel better, YOU are the bad person for being cold, heartless and unfeeling when your poor mother feels so awful.

Reference: Harpy's Child

Collateral Damage with Estrangement and No Contact

2014-01-23T11:37:00.000-05:00

Collateral damage is that term defines the damage that can over spill from a bad relationship that effects family members and mutual friends causing them to sever relationship with you or you with them. When people go through a divorce and lose their in-laws in the process, collateral damage has occurred.

Similarly, collateral damage can happen when an abusive parent is finally confronted, when boundaries are enforced, when no contact periods are taken, or when an estrangement occurs. When some people are faced with a family member or friend who is going through an estrangement or no contact situation, it just seems easier not to have to take sides. For others, the relationship is severed because it was never really all that important. Also, if you are dealing with a BPD who enlists allies against you (her target of rage), letting those people go is prudent for peace of mind and your health.

The estrangements with my mother and Dad were due to their behaviors over extended periods of time (my entire life). With my mother, she shut me out due to her perceptions of my unplanned wedding. With my Dad, he tried to control my husband and me and became upset when he couldn’t. Ultimately with both estrangements, collateral damage happened. I lost touch with the people surrounding each of them.

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What kind of collateral damage have you experienced with your estrangement or time of no-contact? Do you think the collateral damage is because you are just letting it be, the relationship was never that strong to begin with, the one with whom you’re estranged turns people against you, or some other reason? Please post your comments below.

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Letting Go

First of all, I am not the type to put someone in an awkward position. So, if you are close to my mother or Dad (for example, their spouse), I am not going to over-step the boundaries and expect them to chose me or even speak with me. I am not going to have someone ‘chose sides’ nor feel uncomfortable because they were put in an awkward position regarding loyalty. My mother and Dad have always been ones that placed a high value on loyalty, so with their narcissistic personalities, having their respective spouse not exhibit loyalty would be a huge violation.

Weak Relationships

I must add also that if the relationship with the surrounding people wasn’t strong to begin with, why would any loyalty shift from aligning themselves or sticking by their spouse? Same goes for other people surrounding my mom or Dad. If I wasn’t close to them in the first place, why would an estrangement cause them to reach out to me MORE? For example, with my Dad, I was never close to his wife or her daughter. So with the end of communication with my Dad, I didn’t attempt to contact either one of them, nor have they tried to contact me. And even further out in the lineage, my step-sister’s husband and his mother / father have not been in contact either. We never kept up with each other before, so why now? We occasionally visited during family get-togethers but that’s it.

Campaigns of Denigration and Allies Against Target of Rage

With my mother, the situation is a bit more complicated because she enlists people in her target of rage (me being the target this time) and a campaign of denigration begins. With my mother, when she flew off the handle about her perceived view of my unplanned wedding, she spent her time and energy soliciting people to ‘her side’ rather than spending her time and energy trying to talk to my then fiancé and me. She also has had a history from my birth of controlling the people in my life—basically meddling in my familial relationships since birth. She ousted my birth father out when I was months old. She made it nearly impossible for my brother and me to have a relationship with my paternal grandparents. She wrote off my maternal grandfather shortly after my maternal grandmother died and wouldn’t even allow me to write him letters. She divorced and villianized my adopted father (whom I call Dad) when I was around 11 years old. When it fit into her plan of villianizing my adoptive father, she introduced my birth father back into my life around 12 years old. So, she controlled and molded my family relationships even up to our last estrangement.

When she didn’t like what she was hearing about my wedding (that I didn’t feel comfortable having all three of my fathers together at the wedding), she said that she was ‘out’ of the wedding (which she was never ‘in’ because there was no wedding planned yet) and that she was going to call my birth father and his family to tell them they aren’t invited either. When she announced this, I became angry- angry because for my entire life, she manipulated who I could talk to. And now, I was taking a stand and speaking about what I felt comfortable with, which didn’t fit her wishes, and she exclaimed that she was ‘out’. Anyway, from that point forward, she made it her mission to denigrate me to my birth father’s family and to turn them against me.

I never had a solid or strong relationship with my birth father or his family, although my contact and experiences with them far exceeded my mother’s. So when she came forward to them when she was upset about wedding, I decided not to get into a ‘he said / she said’ with them. They never contacted me, however, so my side of the story was never communicated to them. I wasn’t about to call them in order to defend myself. I didn’t do anything ‘wrong’ so I didn’t feel the need to put myself on the stand to be cross-examined.

They were under the spell of my manipulative and dysfunctional mother, and she tangled them into her web. I suppose if I had a solid and strong relationship with them that her power wouldn’t have affected them? I don’t know. They are very impressionable, small town folk that are very smitten with the wealthy and city life that my mother and her third husband live. So perhaps they would have fallen into the ‘poor pitiful woman whose daughter ripped her heart out’ trap by a very clever

con-artist BPD.

"The borderline enlists others as allies against the person who is the target of her rage. She may seek out friends, family members (including siblings and children), and co-workers of her victim in whom to confide fabricated stories designed to discredit her enemy. She intentionally leaves out discussion of her own behavior, presenting the other person's behavior as entirely unjustified." Lawson (p, 141).

But the bottom line is that I didn’t have a solid or strong relationship and the loss of them as collateral damage was not significant although I am disappointed that they think so poorly of me. I am still amazed, however, that they took the garbage that my mother spewed out of her mouth as gospel and turned to support her (even though they were victims of her toxicity several times in the past).

"Others may believe the BPD's allegations of mistreatment because of the intensity of emotion. Misinformation is calculated and constructed in order to destroy the victim's reputation. Those who do not know the true situation may not notice inconsistencies in the BPD's story. It is difficult to verify the truth because the intensity of the emotion dissuades others from asking details" Lawson (p, 141).

Minimizing Collateral Damage

Collateral damage is a distressing effect of relationships gone awry. If both parties are supportive and understanding about the people surrounding them, relationships can continue. If both parties vow not to involve others in their own personal disagreement, argument, or split, collateral damage is minimized as well. Saying negative things and slinging insults is not the way to minimize damage. Agree not to bash each other and agree not to talk about the situation to others. These steps are seemingly simple, but to a BPD or NPD who wants to control, manipulate, or prove who is loyal to them, the task not not possible. Ultimately, due to my mother’s campaigns of denigration about me, I was not able to try to maintain a relationship and continue the link with grace with my birth father and his family. And the relationships surrounding my Dad were never that important to begin with.

Obligation to the Abusive Parent

2013-11-22T23:54:00.002-05:00

Personality disordered parents control their children through manipulation, with little concern for how their parenting behavior will later influence the children's life. Although the parent had little concern, the adult-children of abusive parents often agonize about the obligation to the people who ruined their childhoods and left them with emotional and physical scars. Why should these adult-children have such deep concern and loyalty even at the expense of failing to protect themselves from further harm, especially to a person who had little concern for them in the first place?

Children look to their parents to to nurture them and keep them safe. When a parent abuses a child, the impact is life-long.

Anyone with the proper parts can birth a baby. Being a parent who earns respect, love, and kindness is an entirely different thing. Parents who choose to have a child are choosing to accept the responsibility for raising the child with love, safety, and security. Many parents, however, don't fulfill that responsibility, and just because this person is a parent doesn't give them license to manipulate, control, or abuse their child. The child has no choice in the matter and is basically stuck with their parents until they come of age or until society deems her parents abusive and decides that they are not fit as parents. Should this adult-child have an obligation to their abusive parent?

Are Emotionally Healthy Interactions Possible?

Sometimes completely severing relations seems to be too difficult or cause too much guilt; therefore, the adult-child attempts to have interactions that feel emotionally healthy. But how can one determine or distinguish how much is *emotionally healthy* before unknowingly getting tangled in the toxic web? Deciding what is *emotionally healthy* requires constant reassessment.

Abusers are often brilliant manipulators. It's no secret that adult-children often feel manipulated and lied to by their BDP parent. In other words, they feel controlled or taken advantage of through means such as threats, no-win situations, silent treatments, rages, and other unfair methods. In a relationship with BPD, adult-children are constantly faced with a collection of schemes, situations, manipulations, and interactions that have a hidden agenda... their agenda.

Feeling obligated to the ever destructive parent while trying to build and maintain a healthy and peaceful life is extremely challenging. Read on for how to survive a relationship with a BPD, which can be summed-up, as many people have, as walking on eggshells.

Pressure to Reconcile

If you are estranged from your abusive parent and you are feeling pressured to reconcile by family members or others, you're being asked to psychologically dig up the past for the benefit of whom? You've made a fulfilling life for yourself which required a great deal of healing and soul-searching about the brutality you experienced. Why should you feel obligated to re-establish contact that could be very emotionally costly?

Memories of traumas can that you have long left behind can resurface. Further, reestablishing contact could be destructive to your personal relationships and affect your spouse, children, and others. Your perceived obligation could tear apart and affect more than just you.

Harm to the Brain

Having a toxic parent is harmful to your brain, biochemically and emotionally. The damage may not be permanent if the stress and abuse are removed. Sometimes, as drastic as it sounds, that means letting go of a toxic parent. Feeling obligated to an abusive parent and, therefore, continually subjecting yourself to this damage is self destruction and self deprecation.

Adults retain the ability to rewire their brains by new experiences, including exercise, introspection, therapy, and medication. History can not be undone with therapy, but brains can be mended by removing or reducing stress. Feel an obligation to yourself rather than an obligation to the one who is causing this harm to your mind, body, and soul.

No Further Obligation

No matter if you maintain contact or become estranged, you don't have any further obligation to your abuser. No formula exists for defining the adult-child's obligations to the parents who didn’t fulfill their own, however:

You do not owe your parents love if they treat you like dirt.
You do not owe your parents respect if they fail to respect you.
You do not owe your parents obedience if their demands are actively harmful to you.
You do not owe your parents gratitude for "having given you life" if they then went on to make that life a Hell on Earth.
You do not owe your parents gratitude for "having kept you fed and clothed" and / or other physical care because that's their parental job!
You do not owe your parents gratitude for "having sacrificed XYZ for you" and then reminding you of it every day thereafter or whenever they want to guilt you into doing something.
You do not, absolutely NOT, owe your parents grandchildren.

Adult-children do not owe their abusive parents anything. Respect, love, and kindness are all things that are earned.

Removing Toxic People From Your Life

2013-11-12T10:57:00.000-05:00

How to Survive a Relationship with a Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)

2013-10-30T14:34:00.001-04:00

The bulk of emails that I receive inquire about how to deal with a Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) relationship whether a parent, spouse, or sibling. Often I receive emails from women who have young children and don’t know how to protect their children from the BPD grandmother or BPD in-law. Also, another frequent topic is the discovery that the long-term abusive, toxic, and / or dysfunctional mother has BPD and how to proceed. How to deal with the BPD spouse is another topic that I receive.

The House of Cards

If you are trying to maintain a relationship with a BPD, first and foremost be prepared to protect yourself otherwise each minute unarmed will slowly make you lose the battle. You cannot survive a relationship with a BPD if your own self-esteem is shattered, so take care of yourself as the BPD is incapable of taking care of you.

The emotional cycle that a person with BPD goes through can be compared to a house of cards. The slightest wind can make the entire house fall over. Your focus is to try to remove the slightest wind and learn what makes the house of cards fall. Pay attention to surrounding experiences and anticipate ways to keep things calm.

If you can calm yourself, you can begin to try to navigate the stormy relationship into less windy skies. Remind yourself that the only aspect that you can control is how you respond. You cannot change the BPD’s behavior or how the BPD feels. Respond calmly and not impulsively to keep the winds calm and possibly discover new ways to communicate and manage your relationship with the BPD.

Arm Yourself

Read About BPD Educating yourself about the BPD disorder can help you deal with it. The following is a link to a list of books about Borderline Personality Disorder: Good Reads- Borderline Personality Disorder I also use Amazon- Books About Borderline Personality Disorder because the Customer Reviews can sometimes be just as valuable as the book itself. Also find blogs such as mine to find narratives and information about BPD to educate and enlighten you on the subject as much as possible.

Get Support

o Join a Support Group if you live with someone who has BPD. The support groups could be in your local area or online.

o Therapy for yourself is a consideration to help you deal with the issues you face with a BPD.

o Al-Anon meetings may be necessary in order to learn how to stop feeling guilty for her moods, addictions or explosions.

Set Boundaries

Boundaries provide structure to the relationship and prevent abuse. Protect yourself from damaging criticisms and verbal abuse with boundaries by:

Setting personal boundaries Even if you understand BPD behaviors, know your own limits and stick by them. Never allow yourself to be abused.
Avoiding imprisonment To regain control over you, she may accuse you of abandonment and betrayal, tell you how lonely and depressed she is, or threaten to harm you if you do not take care of her. Be compassionate but do not allow yourself to become imprisoned.
Protecting children. Children can't care of themselves, and they're depending on you. Set limits and keep them out of harm's way.
Avoiding sharing personal information Circumvent sharing personal information with the BPD because she will find fault with your decisions and choices.
Setting times for discussion Sometimes the BPD can become very emotionally deregulated- agitated and irritated. Let the BPD know that her message is important but you need to set another time to discuss the issue.
Limiting contact

o Try to keep distant.

o Try to live far away.

o Limit phone calls and visits.

o Put down the phone when she is nasty.

o Give up trying to please.

o Do not try to get through to her because she will insist that she has never been wrong.

o Keep things nice and shallow.

o Do not expect trust or predictability.

Leaving if necessary. Do not tolerate physical threats, emotional abuse, or verbal abuse so leave temporarily if your relationship escalates to this level. Return after she has calmed down. Ultimately, sometimes the only thing you can do is leave the relationship when the BPD repeatedly runs over your boundaries, limits, or refuses treatment. Estrangement may be the healthiest long-term option.

What You Need to Understand

Understand that BPD behaviors aren’t about you. Try to depersonalize what’s happening.
Understand the BPD’s hot buttons and try not to push them but know that you won’t always succeed.
Understand the reality of the situation. You cannot change the BPD’s behavior no matter how well you communicate with her. Only the BPD can eliminate her negative behavior. Your goal is simply respectful communication between you and the BPD.
Understand simplicity. When speaking with the BPD, especially about sensitive issues, emotion may be heightened to the point that neither of you can think straight. Make each sentence short, simple, and direct with no room for misinterpretation.
Understand the difference between the person and her behavior. Make it clear to the BPD that you dislike her behavior but you do not dislike her as a person. Emphasize this often.
Understand sticking to the point. Ignore the BPDs attacks, threats, or attempts to change the subject. Stay calm and reiterate your point. If you're feeling attacked, calmly say that things are getting too hot and you'll be back in an hour / two hours / 5pm, etc Promptly, without further discussion, leave the location.
Understand turning the problem over to the BPD. Turn the problem over to the BPD and ask for different solutions.

How to Communicate with the BPD

Feelings before facts. In ordinary conversations, facts are placed before feelings. We assess facts and then react with our feelings. BPDs often reverse this process. The BPD has distinctive feelings, such as abandonment, so change facts to match her feelings. For example, a BPD may interpret your actions as abandonment when you are simply leaving to the run errands. Instead of pointing out the facts such as the TO DO List in your hand, emphasize with her feelings such as, "You sound really upset. I would be upset too if I thought you were leaving forever. However (however is better than "but") I'm just going to run errands and I'll be back at 3pm."’

Remember the importance of timing. With certain subjects, good and bad times are available. Certain incidents can make the BPD feel weak and could lead her to feel rejected, abandoned or invalidated. During these times, communication is likely to be exponentially more difficult. Postpone the communication if you can; however, if you can’t, take into account the BPD’s greater weakness at this time. During times of highly positive emotions, the BPD may show impulsivity which is a hallmark of BPD. During bad times, the BPD can be impulsive by telling you that she never wants to see you again. During good times, she may express that she adores you and wants to get married this instance. A BPD’s positive impulsivity can be very charming and enthralling. Detach yourself to as a defense again the seductiveness of her impulsivity.

Understand Validation You can validate the feelings of a BPD by accepting her right to own her feelings. Though you do not necessarily agree with her feelings, acknowledgement helps to identify her current feelings. Emotions circulate as feelings of being sad, frustrated, unheard, misunderstood, lonely, and depressed. By validating these feelings, you can help label her feelings and be there for her. The goal of validation is to calm the BPD, otherwise, a trivial issue may escalate to anger and rage.

Communication Methods

Delay, Distract, Depersonalize, and Detach. In the midst of an intense conversation that is escalating and unproductive, practice the following:

Delay -- Suggest talking about things later or asking for time to think about what she is saying. Speak calmly and in a way that affirms the BPD as well as yourself without necessarily confirming her claims: "I'm feeling upset right now. Your feelings are important to me and I need some time to understand them."
Distract -- Suggest doing something else at that moment, like grocery shopping.
Depersonalize -- Remind yourself often that the BPD’s tough criticism of you is not real. Try not to take the BPD’s comments personally however cutting or cruel they may feel to you as this is the nature of BPD.
Detach -- Remove yourself from getting caught up in the emotional whirlwind. Resolve to yourself, "I'm not going to get so involved in this." http://www.bpdcentral.com/blog/?Tips-for-Communicating-with-Someone-With-Borderline-Disorder-8

The Four (4) Don'ts you should not do or say to the BDP:

1. Don’t defend yourself.

2. Don’t explain.

3. Don’t justify.

4. Don’t counter attack.

http://voices.yahoo.com/5-tips-deal-loved-one-borderline-personality-2416777.html?cat=72

Practice SET Communication Method to effectively to handle the BPD with:

o Support. support statements are important to reassure the BPD that you want to help.

o Empathy. involves making the BPD feel that you understand her feelings.

o Truth. re-state reality after emotional outbursts are settled.

http://howyoufeel.net/support-empathy-truth-set-for-borderline-personality/

After many decades of cycling in and out of a relationship with my BPD mother, the last straw occurred almost 10 years ago. Throughout my life, I forgave and moved forward after repeated emotional abuse from my BPD mother. The typical cycle was 5 years in a relationship, 5 years estranged (all of which were initiated by her). I accepted apologies, I turned the other cheek, and I walked on eggshells, using many of the recommendations and methods outline above.

Ultimately, the healthiest choice I could make was estrangement. Initially when my mother blew-up on me about my engagement and future wedding, I hadn’t been pushed past the edge of never trusting her again. However, through her intense campaigns of denigration and her aggressive actions against me, trust was lost that cannot be repaired.

I didn't get to select my parent... I was born to her. Due to being born to a parent, many daughters and sons feel as if they have to remain in the relationship out of respect, religion, or duty. After trying to communicate, placate, understand, delay, distract, depersonalize, detach, and more, I made a choice not to take the abuse, dysfunction, toxicity, craziness, manipulations from my parent anymore. I didn’t want the battle anymore either. Further, I have a choice of who I let into my life, what influences me (and my husband and child too), and how I allow those around me to treat me. I would rather have the hole of where a mother should fill rather than a hole as a result of continued abuse.

One can build a life that is healthy and happy and prosper away from the BPD but trying to build a life with an ever destructive force of the BPD is extremely challenging and fatiguing. For those of you trying to survive a relationship with a BPD, I wish all of you the strength, clarity, and fortitude possible. Hopefully some of these tips will help you to navigate away from the winds that blow over the BPD’s house of cards.

Effects of a Borderline Personality Disorder Mother on Her Children

2013-10-28T20:59:00.000-04:00

So what is your diagnosis? It is impossible for you to have been raised by and been witness to such disorder and not be affected yourself. Have you been honest and written an article about your diagnosis and treatment, or do you consider yourself not disordered in any way and somehow just rattled by it all and not ill yourself? What is your cluster and are you honest about it?

That excerpt was from an email that I received. I don’t know if the nature of the email was sincere or confrontational; however, I thought covering the topic provides value for those attempting to climb out of the trenches of their own personal war. As I have stated before, adult children of BPDs are *war veterans* in every sense of the word, and your psychic landscape no doubt looks something like what's left after a bombing attack.

Through the last 5 years of writing this blog, I have covered the effects of my upbringing and parental relationships. I always searched for my part in the relationship's challenges-- as every relationship takes two. I would analyze and dig deeply to assess my accountability in the estrangements. And time and time again, I was never angry or resentful or even bitter-- always sad that broken relationships surrounded my family. I also wished that our family could be a happy family that shared in successes and supported during failures. But most importantly, I always accepted that these were the cards that I was dealt, and I would manage them to the best of my abilities.

Parents are the people we look to nurture us and keep us safe. When a parent abuses a child, the impact is life-long. My childhood was very confusing, very destructive, and very tormenting. My childhood left my brother and me treated carelessly, with conditions on love, and orphaned. And I think dealing with the emotions, feelings, and memories is crucial to being a healthy, happy, and productive adult. I thoroughly believe that our choices are guided by our internal subconscious shaped by our past experiences. And that internal subconscious can be a positive or negative force depending on the presence, amount, and condition of the scars.

Before we delve into the effects of the relationship with my BPD mother on me, the following are the four BDP mother categories and effects on their child(ren):

The Witch

Children live in terror of BPD Witches' capricious moods; they are the "collateral damage" of a secret war they did not start, do not understand, and cannot control.

Attacks are random, intense, and cruel. Children automatically think they're at fault and can become shamed, depressed, insecure, dissociative, and hypervigilant.

As adults they may have multiple difficulties with self, relationships, physical illness, and even post traumatic stress disorder.

The Queen

To the BPD Queen, children are a built-in audience expected to give love, attention and support when the BPD Queen needs it. Children feel confused and betrayed when their normal behavior is sometimes punished (according to the BPD Queen's needs of the moment).

As kids grow, conflict with the BPD Queen increases. Underneath, these kids long for approval, recognition, consistency, and to be loved unconditionally for who they are, not what they achieve.

The Waif

They feel angry, afraid and alone.

Children may feel like failures for not making the BPD happy, or they may keep trying and trying until the mother's death. This enmeshment (inability to separate) may hinder grown child's relationships, which may be fraught with dependency.

The child may become cynical, angry, and feel manipulated or turn into over-responsible nursemaids seeking elusive approval.

The message to children is that life is something to be endured until you die.

The BPD shelters children to such an extent they find autonomy disconcerting.

The Hermit

During adulthood, they suffer from many maladies stemming from trapped feelings such as panic attacks or phobias.

Children not encouraged to explore and learn can become anxious when faced with new situations. They may not learn appropriate coping skills, give up control too easily, have a hard time trusting, and be less capable of naturally moving away from the parent.

My mother is the "Borderline Queen Witch" who married the "Narcissistic King". Borderline mothers are make-believe mothers living in darkness needing the rescuer husband. In particular, my borderline mother is characterized as the Queen, and the 'darkness' that lies within the borderline Queen is 'emptiness'. "Her inner experience is deprivation and her behavior evokes compliance. She is demanding and flamboyant and may intimidate others. The Queen feels entitled to exploit others and can be vindictive and greedy. The Queen's emotional message to her children is: Life is 'all about me'" p 38 Lawson. The Witch hides within my mother as a "temporary ego-state", and makes appearances at times quite frequently but can hide for periods of time. The Witch's darkness is annihilating rage with the message to her children: 'life is war'.

I have worked very hard over the decades to be a healthy and happy individual, at peace with life, as well as productive and prosperous. Through an open mind and an open heart, I have been successful. I have seen psychiatrists from childhood onward, and I have never received a diagnosis of a psychological disorder (a psychological disorder, also known as a mental disorder, is a pattern of behavioral or psychological symptoms that impact multiple life areas and/or create distress for the person experiencing these symptoms). Although I have not had a formal diagnosis of a disorder, I have had issues to work-out and resolve.

I am very thankful for the wonderful friends that I have had through the decades who would listen for hours on end about MANY whys and questions. They are partly responsible for keeping me grounded and focused. Besides finding answers through my friends, I have read books like crazy. And when the Internet became more and more of a comprehensive tool, I have used it to connect with others like me and to research even further. Then, I started to blog, which allowed me to take all of this information out of my head and put it somewhere else... AND most importantly, help others like me to sort out all of the jumbled mess that happened in the past and create an understanding of it all. Ultimately, no-contact was the healthiest alternative for not only myself but my child and husband too.

Part of my being at peace and being able to overcome the effects of a BPD mother is due to the research that I conducted about personality disorders, communicating with others who have experienced mirror situations, support from friends / family, writing down all my history with accompanying analysis, and more. I count on myself for my happiness, peace of mind, and understanding of this world.

The following are the effects of the BPD / NPD dysfunctional toxicity on me, which some are still present (hyperawareness for example) but some have been overcome (insomnia for example):

Hyperawareness

With the survivors of trauma and abuse, this hyperawareness is a defense mechanism. "A nearly universal characteristic of survivors is excessive emotional hypersensitivity... hyperawareness of body language, moods, and 'the meanings behind the words' is a highly functional defense mechanism" p 166 Evans / Sullivan. In regard to the BPD parent:

One must be on defense for the next attack, so keeping a vigilant eye on her behavior is vital: She has that look in her eye again; I need to stay away. Her body language is saying she's in a 'witch' mood, I better hide. She is becoming more and more aggressive with her language today; she is probably going to verbally attack me today.

Trying to sort-out the confusing and twisted behavior creates a need to collect as much information as possible to try to figure out her behavior (past, present, future). Seemingly, every action or word spoken is another piece of the puzzle.

With these observations of body language, eye contact, verbal communication, many times the child of the BPD questions their own perception of that is transpiring. Is the BPD really that bad? Perhaps the meaning behind the actions / words is being misread? Maybe the BPD doesn't really mean to act or say those things, and maybe I am the one who has the problem? "Children of borderlines may spend their entire lives trying to understand their mother and themselves. They are preoccupied with sorting out the meanings of interactions, studying their own perceptions, and questioning the intentions of others" Lawson p 302

Fight or Flight

I am generally a calm, cool, and collected person BUT whenever I have a potential confrontation, actual confrontation, or cause of concern related to my parents, my body immediately reacts. I get shaky, I feel sick to my stomach, I get out-of-breath, and my mind runs a million miles an hour. After decades of ...

wondering when the next blow-up is going to happen or

what I am going to be falsely accused of next or

what is being fabricated about me now or

having my parent(s) confront me with the next "we have to sit down an talk" scenario

... my body is sent into a tail-spin when my parents are discussed relative to me. This 'tail-spin' is fight-or-flight which is defined as the set of processes that occur in the body when it is confronted with some form of physical or mental stress. The nervous system signals for adrenaline and other hormones to be released into the blood which prepare the body either to confront or flee (thus, “fight or flight”). Changes in the body include increased heart rate, dilated pupils of the eye (to improve vision), and increased supply of blood to the muscles (to prepare the body for action).

Insomnia

Growing up in an environment with a borderline personality mother and a malignantly narcissistic Dad compounded by a period of simultaneous major-life-stessors (moving, death of grandmother, death of grandfather, parental divorce, parents remarrying), I developed several symptoms of stress. Insomnia was one of the resulting symptoms, which when your sense of safety and trust are shattered, having difficulty falling asleep is a normal reaction to abnormal events.

I can remember the EXACT night that the insomnia started in 1977 when I was 9 years old. Most anxious children do not have a specific event that triggered their anxiety, but some do. Certainly some situations can be anxiety producing, especially those that disrupt the child's sense of structure and order in their world (parental divorce, deaths in the family, trauma, moves) WorryWiseKids.org

Mental Scars

A seminal 1992 American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) report defines childhood abuse as "a repeated pattern of damaging interactions between parent(s) [or, presumably, other significant adults] and child that becomes typical of the relationship." In addition to physical, sexual and verbal abuse, this can include anything that causes the child to feel worthless, unlovable, insecure, and even endangered, or as if his only value lies in meeting someone else's needs.

I wasn't left unscarred from my childhood trauma. I have battled insomnia during peak times of childhood trauma. I have battled anxiety throughout my life, waiting for the next bomb to explode in my family. I have sought acceptance and attention from my parents that I will never achieve in receiving. I have searched, researched, dug, and sought understanding of my past, with which my parents have never assisted (my mother is irrational when speaking of the past, and my Dad 'doesn't remember' because he 'doesn't want to', which neither helps when trying to gain peace with the past).

Toxic Guilt and Anxiety

Guilt trips are a very powerful tool, and I had a challenge with guilt trips and toxic guilt from my parents for many decades. In addition to the guilt, I started to have symptoms of anxiety starting in the mid-late 1990's. I believe the anxiety is a result from the long-term guilt I was experiencing compounded by the post traumatic stress that I experienced from the Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS) and emotional abuse from my parents' personality disorders.

When you're brought up in an environment where you have been unfairly blamed for the wrongs of others, emotionally abused, or pitted against one parent by the other, the adult child may not have the ability to stop feeling guilty-- this is toxic guilt. Absorbing feelings of guilt, accepting blame, and being passive contribute to the guilty feelings. This early pattern of accepting other's guilt creates difficulty with stopping feelings of guilt about the past.

Loneliness

Through the years I have felt like something is missing. I felt like I have been searching for something from my mother and Dad-- some sort of answer. And recently I had an epiphany: I don't feel like I belong to a family. I feel like I am an adult orphan. Prior to my parent's separation (You Dropped a Bomb on Me), I felt like I belonged to a family: my Dad, mother, brother, and me. Additionally, I had a deep relationship with my maternal grandparents, which both passed away (1977, 1977). Shortly after the announcement of my parent's separation (1979), that feeling of belonging started to erode away. I haven't been able to put my finger on the feeling until just the other day when I was looking at my daughter and feeling such pure love and joy looking in her eyes-- I belong with her & my husband, she & my husband belong with me, I have family across the country is very loving & supportive- we are a family, and I belong. I haven't had that since I was 11 years old.

Shame

As an adult child of two parents with personality disorders, I knew when the abuse was actually going on that some after-effects would be experienced later in life. Although I was able to endure the abuse, I knew I deep-sixed some of the feelings. I remember thanking God for giving me a head on my shoulders to know that the abuse was my parents doing-- that what I was going through was a product of their manufacturing. Even so, I knew that somewhere down the line, feelings or results could emerge. Both my BPD mother and NPD father wielded shame well with their emotional abuse, and I exhibit residual effects from the abuse I endure from my BPD mother and NPD father.

If you are an adult child of a BPD mother, what are some of the effects you have experienced? What have done to over-come these effects?

Fate Be Changed, Look Inside. Mend the Bond Torn by Pride.

2013-10-26T23:36:00.000-04:00

“Fate be changed, look inside. Mend the bond torn by pride.” This quote has really stuck in my head since seeing the movie, “Brave”. The movie centers around a mother and daughter relationship where the mother is controlling the daughter’s life and the daughter wants to break free. Both characters grow and change to mend the bond.

While neither character seems to have a personality disorder (the teenager is rebellious, and the mother is controlling), I couldn’t help but apply the quote to Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). Hallmarks of BPD are fear of rejection and narcissistic pride:

Pride causes fear of rejection, which can prompt exaggerations and deceptions to be accepted.
Narcissistic behavior is pride run amok.

Pride disguises itself in many ways. Pride can be exhibited as either exaggerated self-importance and self-adulation –or- self-loathing and exaggerated inferior feelings. It can either be an exaggerated sense of one’s greatness or an exaggerated sense of one’s low esteem. Either side of that coin is pride because the focus is self in both occurrences.

Pride is very interesting. While you should love yourself and your contributions to life, pride can be a delusion which can eventually culminate into fear (ie: fear of rejection as mentioned above). Fear should never be the dominant energy in life, and if used as emotional self defense (ie: to hide behind or as an excuse to run), it can be a very forlorn place which can leave you trapped, stuck, and isolated.

BPDs often turn away love for a place of pride. Also, BPDs use pride as an emotional defense to hide behind, creating a victim mentality. They create a place where they are lonely and alone.

BPDs often turn away love for a place of pride: The BPD possesses an intense fear of abandonment that interferes with many aspects of her life. The fear often acts as a self-fulfilling prophecy as they cling to others, are very needy, feel helpless, and become overly involved and immediately attached. When the fear of abandonment becomes overwhelming, she will often push others out of her life as if trying to avoid abandonment.
BPDs use pride as an emotional defense to hide behind, creating a victim mentality. They create a place where they are lonely and alone: The cycle most often continues as the BPD will then try everything to get people back in her life and once again becomes clingy, needy, and helpless. The fact that people often do leave the BPD only 'proves' to support the distorted belief that she is insignificant, worthless, and unloved. At this point in the cycle, the BPD may exhibit intense and sudden anger, directed both at self and others, as well as difficulty controlling destructive behaviors.

More specifically, BPDs have such a fear of abandonment that they set-up a situation to be rejected. The BPD turns a Dr. Jekyll / Mr. Hyde, seemingly out-of-the blue, around the time that they feel threatened by rejection or abandonment. Along with a huge blow-up that is irrational and not based on reality, the BPD starts a campaign of denigration to turn friends and family against her target of rage (me in this case).

In “Brave”, the daughter and the mother were able to realize how their actions affected each other. They were able to look inside and see from the other’s perspective and ultimately change in order to mend the ties that bind. While I always searched for my part in the relationship's challenges-- every relationship takes two. As I would analyze and dig deeply to assess my accountability in the estrangement and try to forgive-and-forget, the BPD cycle would always come back around to affect the relationship again. The BPD cycle includes narcissism and pride that cause fear of rejection which ultimately causes the BPD to turn away love. The ties that bind can’t be mended when the BPD repeatedly cycles through a self-serving and self-fulfilling prophecy of sorts.

Unlike the characters in “Brave” who wanted to mend the ties that bind, the BPDs are unable to mend the ties that bind due to their lack of self awareness and self serving narcissism. They cannot look inside themselves and change those behaviors or perspectives that will ultimately affect the fate of the relationship. My BPD mother either doesn't comprehend or realize the repercussions from her actions, has rationalized and justified her actions, or has convinced herself by telling the same lie over and over. Further her anger, venom, hatred, manipulations, gossip, and lies damaged trust over time until the trust was completely lost. Because her perception is that she has no responsibility for the condition of ties that bind, fate can’t be changed. However, almost 10 years ago, I changed the fate for the future of my family by cutting those ties with my BPD mother.

Balancing Life While Searching for Answers

2013-10-26T12:58:00.000-04:00

If you have found my blog, you are most likely seeking answers to challenges you are experiencing with someone in your life or perhaps with yourself. Some of you are just starting to realize that something is *off* with your relationship. Some of you are trying to find out what happened during your troubled childhood. Some of you are trying to find a way have boundaries, peace, and understanding in your given situation over a long period of time.

During this time of introspection and discovery, each of you has your own life filled with different hobbies, interests, and pursuits. Are you able to be happy and extract joy out of life? Are you able to find an escape from life through your joys? Are you able feel an entire range of emotion while digging deep into the dynamics of your life and relationship(s)? These questions are a segue to an email I received from a reader which I have given a great deal of thought over the last couple of months. She states that this search for answers and the truth (introspection, therapy, this blog) are only part of the equation. She says that other half of the equation is joy.

So first of all, what is joy? One of the keys to finding happiness in tough times is "simply being aware of what is happening right now, without wishing it were different," says James Baraz, a meditation instructor and founding teacher of Spirit Rock Meditation Center in Woodacre, California. That may require a little less multitasking and worrying and more stopping to smell the roses, says Lori Hilt, an anxiety specialist at the University of Wisconsin. "When we get caught up in cycles of brooding and worrying, our minds are stuck in the past or the future," she says. "Get out of the cycle by focusing on the present, noticing the cool breeze on your skin, the taste and texture of a bite of food."

In regard to this blog, the writings are centered on my life with BPD and NPD parents. And yes, I focus on introspection, discovery, understanding, and moving forward. Along with finding answers, my goal with my blog is to allow others to find comfort knowing there are others who are experiencing or have experienced the same / similar circumstances. My goal is also to enlighten and create an understanding to a confusing and abusive past which can result in greater joy in life. Introspection and joy are not separate on the scale in a balancing act, yet an intertwined and dynamic pair combined with a host of other emotions.

I am not a psychiatrist or psychologist or therapist. My journey with my blog has been as therapeutic (or more so) for me as for my readers. I don’t share about my joys in life such as running, photojournalism, web design or how others should find their joys. The focus is not on attaining happiness through joy but through understanding. The point of my blog is Cluster B Personality Disorders such as BPD and NPD as well as surrounding circumstances such as guilt, shame, PAS, and more.

Now before I proceed, the following is the email from my reader:

Martin Seligman maintains that therapy, introspection, and all the wonderful things but you're doing are only half the story. That finding out what went wrong is half the story. The other half is discovering your own joy. It sounds like you enjoy photography and web-design which feeds that joy and honors your inner truth.

Because Seligman says that in his studies on happiness, none of them involved people trying to find it in their past. That "therapy" just stops us from getting sicker but ,very important , doesn't nourish us. In an ideal world, we should be doing both. Do what brings you joy, strengthens your heart, and of course, makes you look into the past, too, to make sure ingrained patterns don't hamper your life.

But the idea is that no matter how back we go, technically, our parents also had parents who screwed them up, and we might have to go all the way back to Adam and Eve. And then realize, that we didn't spend any time on our joys. Imagine a concert cellist: when she's with her cello, mom and dad don't matter. I'm that way with my art & design and literature group.

And Seligman says that the "happy" people are the ones who do a balanced job of looking into their past and attaining self-awareness but at the same time feeding their inner joy: activities that make them happy and are purely related to them, not their past or future but the essence of who they truly are. I'm sure you feel that when you're with you camera or design work.

Do make sure you're jumping on the 2nd train as many times as you get on the 1st train. Our culture, overwhelmingly encourages people to stay on the 1st train, and Seligman's proposal of a two track approach to life was one of the most intelligent insights into human behavior that I've recently come across.

In the US, "therapy" has taken the place of the positives . For example, instead of being a tool for understanding track 1 (our broken heritage) and then making sure you have a track 2 to aspire to (our joy), "therapy" offers itself as track 2 and people spend decades with it.

With friends, I always encourage them to find and feed their joys, and from that place of strength, they'd be better equipped to deal with the brokenesses we have in track 1, our broken heritage. But American culture by way of being focused on greed, fame, and success doesn't allow for enough of the real joys of track 2 to become attainable. I think the Arts are all being canceled out of schools even.

We live in a broken culture, where we can't easily access the track 2 of our lives. Cultures like, say, Italy where the Arts are paramount, you feel joy in every street corner. And it helps to be in that environment because then your soul source of joy isn't the broken family and all your track 1 problems. When society itself doesn't have healthy aspirations then people just get stuck in a spiral of running from therapist to therapist never able to just cross the river bank and go to the other side to track 2.”

During my life, I have always found joy in life and I think that’s part of the reason why I was able to survive and prosper during my childhood unlike my brother. I have a very optimistic personality where I have found happiness and adventure around every corner, a friendship in a stranger, and a bright and beautiful tomorrow. However, I also have come from a rather confusing and complicated past. My joy didn’t lead to the a-ha moments with my parents. Nor did my joy lead to greater joy in life—introspection, discovery, research, soul searching, reading, and relating to others did. Further, my search for answers about my past were even more important in order to protect the joy in my life—I was not about to allow either of them to affect my husband or child (my joys) like they did to my brother and me.

I spent decades attempting to sort out and come to terms with my past at the same time I was completely having the time of my life. Eventually, I found the answers I was seeking about my past but I never lost my zest and excitement for life during my times of introspection. Being grounded in myself and able clearly assess my past stems from my joy in life but I don’t think life is as simple as half joy and half introspection as the reader described. Certainly the scale tips in different directions and even beyond these two elements during life’s cycles, events, and trials-and-tribulations.

Yes, I agree that you are better able to deal with life’s challenges and lessons if you are filled with joy. But joy is not the answer to discovering what happened to you through your abusive past, nor is burying your head in the sand doing what makes you joyful in order to not think about what’s going on around you. The reader refers to the ability to enjoy joy as a different *train* than introspection. I believe you are on the same ride, simultaneously enjoying the joys of life while understanding who you are. One cannot travel through life without having a solid idea of who they are, and the past is part of who you are.

Certainly we should be consumed with or immersed in the past, but in order to move forward, unsettled situations need to be put to rest. That joy you are feeling may even gain you MORE introspection and clarity rather than as the reader said, “Imagine a concert cellist: when she's with her cello, mom and dad don't matter.” For example, when you experience the immense joy of a hard-earned achievement (degree from university) or the birth of your child, a profound sense of acceptance, appreciation, and understanding result. So with that joy you are not saying the surrounding negative circumstances don’t matter—quite the contrary. The joy deeply defines the negative circumstances in a new light and environment of discovery. The joy helps you to see more clearly, like a beacon in the fog.

Another point is that the reader stated, “But the idea is that no matter how back we go, technically, our parents also had parents who screwed them up, and we might have to go all the way back to Adam and Eve” implying that the everyone has parents who abused, confused, or screwed up in some way so we shouldn’t try to figure out what happened but instead delve into what gives us joy. True, that we should enjoy life. But false, that we shouldn’t try to piece together what happened to us as abused children and try to stop the cycle from continuing. My brother finds joy in music and seeing live bands. He would neglect the rest of his life for music and seeing live bands. This joy has not given him a ounce of what he needs to manage his life, raise his children, understand his past, or come to terms with his parents. He doesn’t have balance, like the reader said; however, the joy is counterproductive and actually misguided. Joy shouldn’t be used a drug to self-medicate or ignore reality.

While the reader commented that "therapy" just stops us from getting sicker but ,very important , doesn't nourish us,” I think that therapy is nourishing and completely essential for some people and not necessary for others. Take my brother and me for examples. My brother desperately needs professional help, both long term and intense. He has needed this help from childhood. He didn’t get the nourishment (substance for healthy growth) from my parents, and I believe that a source such as therapy would have made a significant impact with him. I, on the other hand, find what I am seeking through friends, family, books, introspection, and enlightened witnesses.

Therapy, self discovery, healing… there’s no one size fits all method to these things. Sure, joy is part and parcel of being happy and being able to enjoy life. But in regard to the tangled web that a dysfunctional or abusive past has left, more intense and / or alternative methods need to be engaged to see the light and let it go. And that method may be long term therapy.

Now, don’t get me wrong—going to therapy in order to shift responsibility to the therapist is not what therapy is intended. And in regard to my brother, he knows how to work the system and to con the professionals, so therapy is as fruitless and desperately needed in his case. Further, going to the therapist in order to have the doctor figure it all out for you is not how therapy is supposed to be utilized. As the reader pointed out, many use therapy as a replacement for the positives. Also, going through the motions by seeing a therapist but not putting much thought and / or effort into the experience is not going to get you anywhere.

While I appreciate the simplicity of the “two trains” (joy versus discovery), I don’t think the model for a happy life is that simple. A time and place is needed for deep introspection, therapy, research, and discovery that tips the scales way off balance (riding that train more and not getting off). There is also a time for delving into sheer joy, tipping the balance the other way (now riding that train more). But other trains are riding on that track, each of which is vital for a well-rounded, happy, and fulfilled life: angry, frustrated, euphoric, or content—not just joy.

Rather than categorizing happiness into a balance of discovery (introspection, therapy, research) and joy, be kind to yourself and allow yourself to feel the entire range of emotions and feelings by finding balance. Be appreciative and grateful for simply being alive, try to understand and be at peace with your part in this life, and make decisions that are healthy for yourself and your loved ones. And if that takes reading self help books or blogs, going to therapists, heading out for a long run, talking to other survivors of BPD parents, or more, do what it takes to create the life that you deserve to have.

BPD Mother and the Death of a Grandparent

2012-10-11T13:58:00.000-04:00

My very elderly grandfather (on my birth father's side) recently died. I didn't get to know my grandfather due to many extenuating circumstances. I would have liked our relationship to be different, but these are the cards that were dealt, and I accept the circumstances surrounding my past. Certainly I am responsible for me and for my life; however, when I was brought into the world, I had no decision with the choices that were made which laid the foundation for my future.

Back when I was a newborn, my mother cheated on my birth father with her high school sweetheart (who became her 2nd of 3 husbands; the man whom I call 'Dad'), divorced my birth father, changed my birth certificate with adoption, and literally cut my birth father / family out of my baby album. My paternal grandparents were told they would never see me again and were given the opportunity to say their final 'goodbye' to me. Thereafter, my paternal grandparents didn't try maintain a relationship with me, but rather accepted what my BPD mother demanded and walked away.

Then my mother cheated on my Dad with his best friend (late 1970's / early 1980's), and a tumultuous divorce followed (You Dropped a Bomb on Me). When I was 13 years old I had visitation with my mother, and out of the blue, she says to me, "I know how to get a hold of your birth father. Would you like to speak to him?" I was taken back by the revelation but curious. I remember entertaining the notion, and we did speak to him for a short phone call. Little did I know, my mother used this information -- that I was in touch with my birth father-- to hurt my Dad during the divorce proceedings. She passive-aggressively leaked the information, making sure he found out. And I didn't find out until recently how much that hurt my Dad.

When I was an older teenager, she again pushed the idea of communicating with my birth father. I feel like she was trying to 'right her wrong' (taking his baby from him and and abruptly leaving him the way she did) by getting me back in touch and trying to hurt my Dad even more. But I was very hesitant about bringing my birth father and his family into my life. My life had already been very confusing and tumultuous with my parents divorcing and remarrying into ready-made families within 2-years. I was still getting used to having divorced parents living in separate locations, step brothers and sisters, as well as new stepparents. I felt pull in many different directions, and the adjustments were tough.

During a long road-trip, I got a terrible case of food poisoning. I was very ill on the drive home as well, but my mother insisted that we drive by where my birth father lives. In the dark of the night, I met him and his family (including my paternal grandparents) at a McDonald's. Remember how much I have used the word 'bizarre' in my blog posts? Well this meeting epitomizes bizarre. I didn't have much to say, and I was like an animal on display at the zoo. After eating some burgers, we got back in the car and were on our way again. I didn't see any of them again for almost 10 years.

However, when my mother and I had an estrangement when I went off to college (she claimed that I didn't love her because I came into town and didn't call her: Out of the Nest), she proceeded to call my birth father and his family and tell them all kinds of crazy things about me. She told them outright lies, very awful things. Why in the world would a loving, caring, and supportive mother do this type of thing to her child!? The answer is: campaigns of denigration are a hallmark of BPD. The intent is to destroy my reputation and thereby destroying my relationships with family and friends, and others. The campaign employs lies, exaggerations, fictions, partial truths, and other reality distortion techniques. Again, I think that my mother was trying to 'right her wrong' (keeping me away from them when I was a baby / child) by making me out to be this horrible person they never would have wanted to be around anyway. Also 'demonizing' me helped her to accept the estrangement as well and to displace accountability for her actions.

Through independent efforts, I met my grandparents a handful of times through the decades (a couple in my 20's and a couple in my 30's), but we never had a connection. The attempts were one sided as I traveled 500 miles round trip from time-to-time to visit. Although we didn't form a connection, I wish things were different. I accept how things are and how the cards are dealt including the outcome of my BPD mother's pathology.

Looking back at my life, my mother created my path by meddling in my life, taking away my birth father, having me adopted, removing all evidence of my birth father (creating the deception), trying to push my Dad and me apart by bringing my birth father back into the picture, and continually trying to discredit my Dad and my relationship to the present day. Each move she made, she affected my life by trying to alienate me. She seemed to try to position herself as the only family member in my life, to create a dependence on her, and to attempt to guarantee loyalty so that she isn't rejected or abandoned.

With the passing of my last grandparent, I have been thinking of the impact my mother's BPD has had on my life from the time I was born. Ultimately, however, she failed to keep herself honorable in my life as she has lost credibility, trust, and love through her ruthlessness, conditions, and bizarre nature of her moves. She did manage to affect my relationship with my Dad-- and of course affect my relationship with my birth father by removing him from my life as an infant. And how, even now after almost 10-years of estrangement, she is still dangerous and destructive.

Bottom line, I am very thankful that my mother was eliminated from my life LONG before my child entered this world. My wish is that my child never have to endure the destruction, wrath, confusion, manipulation, and hurt that a BPD can cause, namely from her BPD grandmother. And I also pray that my grandfather rests in peace. Although I never got to truly know him, my heart is heavy with the news of his passing.

Disney and the DSM-IV | Could Rapunzel's Mother Gothel Have BPD?

2012-06-12T10:48:00.001-04:00

When I first saw "Tangled", I kept thinking that Mother Gothel acted and reacted like my mother. So many similarities exist between Mother Gothel and my mother (including their appearance!) that the movie really hit 'home' for me. Manipulative, evil, jealous, arrogant, greedy, selfish, rude, vain, and spiteful are just a few of the words one can use to describe Mother Gothel. She looks after herself and doesn't care about anything else. She's also extremely theatrical, and melodramatic, loves her own jokes, and is narcissistic enough not to care if nobody else gets the funny bit. Even the song, "Mother Knows Best" rang a chord for me, with the lyrics so poignantly descriptive of my mother's guilt-ridden, controlling, and manipulative verbiage:

Me, I'm just your mother, what do I know?
I only bathed and changed and nursed you
Go ahead and leave me, I deserve it
Let me die alone here, be my guest
When it's too late, you'll see - just wait
Mother knows best

So, without further ado, give the following a read (even if you haven't seen the movie). Love it!
________________________________________________

Rapunzel! Rapunzel! What can the woman in your hair teach us about borderline personality disorder (BPD)?

As a villain, Mother Gothel in Disney’s Tangled is unique. She’s not motivated by revenge, greed, or lust for power. Gothel, terrified of growing older, is motivated by fear. As a result, she begins to display symptoms of BPD- to the point where she will literally die without Rapunzel and her magic hair.

What are the Symptoms of BPD?

According to the DSM-IV, there are nine criteria for BPD. In order to merit BPD diagnosis, the patient must meet five of them. According to HealthyPlace, the criteria are:

frantic efforts to avoid real or perceived abandonment (not including self-harm or suicidal behavior)
a pattern of intense, unstable relationships alternating between idealization and devaluation
persistently unstable self-image
impulsivity in two self-damaging areas (drinking heavily, spending too much money, driving too fast, etc.)
recurring suicidal behavior or threats
unstable mood
chronic emptiness
inappropriate, intense anger
stress-related paranoia or dissociation

I believe Gothel would meet criteria 1, 2, 3, 6 and 8 were she a real human. So, as an example of one way BPD can manifest, this is a hypothetical case.

Criterion Two: Gothel’s Two Views of Rapunzel

Early in the movie, Gothel attempts to dote on Rapunzel: telling her she loves her, making her favorite hazelnut soup, even leaving on a three-day journey to make a special paint. However, when Rapunzel asks to leave the tower to find out why floating lanterns appear in the sky on her birthday, Gothel refuses. Her “adorable” daughter is now “sloppy, underdressed, immature, clumsy” and too weak to handle herself. Gothel’s needs determine how she views Rapunzel.

Criterion Three: Gothel’s Identity and Rapunzel’s Views

Gothel repeatedly tries to convince Rapunzel that she has her best interests in heart. She excels at playing the victim card, repeatedly saying “Great, now I’mthe bad guy.” As long as Rapunzel believes Gothel is her mother, Gothel seems to believe she is. Only when Rapunzel finds out the truth does Gothel quit the charade. “You want me to be the bad guy?” she growls. ”Fine. Now I’m the bad guy.”

Criteria Six and Eight: Gothel’s Anger and Happiness

Gothel ‘s emotional state depends entirely on Rapunzel’s. If Rapunzel is happy, so is Gothel. She needs Rapunzel to be happy in order to be happy, and becomes depressed or angry whenever Rapunzel is unhappy. The more curious Rapunzel becomes about life outside the tower, the more angry Gothel becomes, resulting in an argument ended when Gothel screams “You are not leaving this tower–EVER!”

Criterion One: A Manufactured Crisis

After Rapunzel leaves the tower, Gothel pursues. Upon finding that Rapunzel is happy about her choice to leave, Gothel quickly enlists the help of two thugs. As the thugs attempt to kidnap Rapunzel, Gothel double-crosses them and knocks them out with a piece of driftwood. If manufacturing a crisis in order to appear to be the rescuer isn’t a “frantic effort” to avoid abandonment, I don’t know what is.

The Cost of BPD

What would be ironic in real life is justice in an animated movie. Gothel perishes in one of the most creative and memorable death scenes in a Disney movie. In a way, Gothel died because she was unable to accept herself. Gothel had to be young and could not live any other way.

However, we don’t have to share that fate. According to NAMI, BPD is highly treatable. Whether it’s DBT or schema therapy or some other therapy, there is hope for recovery. We can learn to accept ourselves and accept the ups and downs of life.

We can get the villain of BPD out of our hair.

Reference: Disney and the DSM-IV: Could New Villain Have BPD? | More Than Borderline

Hyperawareness | Defense Mechanism then Survivors Perception

2012-03-24T10:02:00.001-04:00

From as far back as I can remember, I have been in-tune with other people's body language. I can read a person from a mile away, and person's body language says more to me than what they are actually saying. I am also very aware of eye contact, which eye contact or lack-thereof is very telling about a person. And in regard to what others are saying, I listen intently to what is being related and place significance on tone-of-voice. And depending on with whom I am speaking and what we are speaking about, I may assess / analyze statements.

So, are any of you like this? Do you sense things before others or when others don't, such as:

Specifics of body language
When and how eye contact is made
The speaker's tone of voice
What verbiage is utilized
Analyze the meaning behind words / statements
Detect faint sounds or sounds in the distance / background before others or when others don't (ie: quiet sounds from a room in the other end of the house).
Feel sensitive, irritated, uneasy, or uncomfortable in crowds
Smell things before others or when others don't (ie: stinky smells; something burning)
Taste the nuances that others can't or don't (ie: detect when a food has started to turn; find flavors of various spices)

Since a child, I have seemed to have an acute awareness of my surroundings and have always been particularly sensitive to it. I just figured that I am simply more perceptive or observant that others. After talking with some of my friends who also have BPD mothers, we all have the same antidotes pertaining to this very subject. Each one of us assesses situations similarly: analyzing body language, the environment around, words spoken, and more. We all seem to be highly perceptive about the same types of input around us. Our common denominator is a BPD parent with confusing interactions, unstable sense of self, emotional instability, inappropriate / intense anger, and transient / paranoid thoughts which add-up to very confusing behavior for a child to interpret. Compound these confusing behaviors with an environment where the child is constantly walking on eggshells in order to not ignite the BPD.The result is a child who becomes hyperaware of the BPD's moods, behaviors, and idiosyncrasies.

One must be on defense for the next attack, so keeping a vigilant eye on her behavior is vital: She has that look in her eye again; I need to stay away. Her body language is saying she's in a 'witch' mood, I better hide. She is becoming more and more aggressive with her language today; she is probably going to verbally attack me today.
Trying to sort-out the confusing and twisted behavior creates a need to collect as much information as possible to try to figure out her behavior (past, present, future). Seemingly, every action or word spoken is another piece of the puzzle.

Not only are the children of BPD parents trying to figure out what makes their parent tick and why, but they are 'walking on eggshells' in the process. The children feel as if their behavior is provoking the abuse or cause the BPD to get upset so they tip-toe around the BPD as not to provoke. This 'walking on eggshells' can be very stressful, and in combination with being hyperaware of the BPD's mood, behavior, body language, eye contact, and more, the child is on a constant state of heightened alert. This hyperawareness and state of alertness can continue into adulthood if the relationship dynamics with the BPD remain the same.

The children of BPD view the world around through these same glasses: being very aware of body language, eye contact, small nuances, being sensitive to changes and actions around self, etc. Additionally, since the child of the BPD tries to understand why the parent behaves the way she does, the child also tries to constantly unscramble mixed messages from the BPD. Since the BPD isn't direct or candid with her emotions, actions, or needs, the child must uncode. After lifetime of unscrambling and decoding, the child of the BPD may apply this same methodology to other relationships (friends, work colleagues, school colleagues, general interactions with public). "The borderline's children become experts at deciphering emotional messages that often have hidden significance. As adults, these children may become preoccupied with discovering hidden motives behind actions of others" Lawson p 157

With hyperawareness continuing into adulthood, children of BPD often seem 'psychic' or aware of minor details that no one else does. With this observation of details, hypersensitivity enables many to write vivid and descriptive stories and develop artwork in amazing detail. Further, children of BPD often can sense when someone is angry or in a bad mood. Alternately, they may also become agitated with people over small incidents - don't look at me like that; I get nervous when you breathe like that.

Trying to simply 'turn off' a defense mechanism so deeply engrained is challenging. Being wired to notice slight changes, behaviors, and verbiage about one's own BPD parent for an entire childhood and onward is a learned process. Using the hyperawareness in a positive, perceptive, and intuitive manner is a healthy alternative rather than creating unease and staying on-guard. Being able to 'read' people is a valuable trait, and being able to notice intricate details is also a favorable attribute. Enjoy the ability to sense beyond what others may and take enjoyment of the heightened senses-- stop and smell the roses.

Fight or Flight with Parental Confrontation and Contact

2012-03-02T23:43:00.003-05:00

Whew. I am generally a calm, cool, and collected person BUT whenever I have a potential confrontation, actual confrontation, or cause of concern related to my parents, my body immediately reacts. I get shaky, I feel sick to my stomach, I get out-of-breath, and my mind runs a million miles an hour. After decades of ...

wondering when the next blow-up is going to happen or
what I am going to be falsely accused of next or
what is being fabricated about me now or
having my parent(s) confront me with the next "we have to sit down an talk" scenario

I can carry on with life for a year (or more) without any situation causing fight-or-flight. Even as time has passed and even though I am at peace with my past, present, and future, whenever I get a phone call or email from a family member or friend regarding my parents relative to me, my body reacts. With daily life, I am not stressed. I don't have anxiety. I don't panic about situations. I am a very confident, happy, level headed individual. Then, without warning, one of those calls / emails occurs, and I am shaky and nauseated.

Why would my body react in such a way? In short, my body has been conditioned to respond to this specific stimuli due to lack confidence, trust, and unconditional love from my parent. Note that:

If one has confidence in a relationship, fight-or-flight would not occur with confrontation or contact.
A relationship based on trust and unconditional love would not elicit the reactions of fight-or-flight when a confrontation arises.

So, when a relationship is abused by years dysfunction, toxicity, carelessness, and selfishness, trust in the relationship is damaged. Respectively, lack of confidence in the relationship is a result and the reaction to confrontation is fight-or-flight. Trust is directly correlated with confidence, and when confidence is broken, confrontations and simple contacts are interpreted by the body as immediate danger.

I have had one too many shocking situations with my parents that body's natural reaction to their contacts is fight-or-flight. I don't trust their intentions or even each of them as individuals. Additionally, I don't have confidence that their intentions are unconditional or unselfish. Due to the erosion of this confidence and trust, my body immediately jumps to fight-or-flight with confrontations and simple contacts. For me, the fight-or-flight response resulted from:

Years of 'deep sixing' what I witnessed and experienced as a child
Years of emotional and verbal abuse including Parental Alienation Syndrome
Decades of situations blowing-up in my face at the hands of my parent(s)
Decades of stepping on land mines and going through traumatic situations with my parent(s)
Decades of walking on eggshells and trying to keep peace with my parents(s)

What's interesting is my MIND (psychological) knows that everything is fine-- that I am safe, my child is safe, my husband is safe. I KNOW that nothing horrible is going to happen to us. However, my BODY (behavior) is set off, like an alarm, and automatically sends adrenaline surging. Our body cannot always tell the difference between real and imagined threat. Therefore, when we interpret a situation as threatening, our body responds as though the situation is dangerous even if it really isn't in reality. Once my body calms down, I have a chuckle as I realize how my body just takes off without me as a result of all I've endured in the past. My body interprets my parents as an immediate danger.

Does anyone else have this response? How do you cope when these situations arise?

I don't experience this heightened response often, so training myself to not react is challenging. I practice the following in order to eliminate / reduce the fight-or-flight response:

Practicing visualization and having my body not react stress-fully to these random contacts about my parent(s)
Talking out the scenarios with my husband.
Manipulating my breathing by changing the rate at which I breathe, whether I breathe shallowly or deeply, and whether I breathe through my mouth or nose. By manipulating how I breathe, it is possible to slow down and even reverse the fight-or-flight response.
Controlling the level of tension in my muscles. For example, by creating a fist, make the muscles in my arms tighter. What is more difficult, but not impossible, is to make my muscles more relaxed. With practice, I relax not only the muscles in my arms, but muscles in my shoulders, back, jaw, face, and other areas.

Searching for Answers to WHYs in a Relationship

2012-03-02T11:51:00.004-05:00

Searching for answers when a relationship is fractured or broken or has ended is natural. Being hurt or disillusioned, disappointed or rejected are not easy on one's soul or mind, especially when the culprit is your very own parent(s). However, you may never get the answers you are seeking directly from the other person. But I will tell you how you can find the answers to your whys-- read on.

If you are a victim of a a personality disordered individual, is the explanation he/she provides truly the answer? This person has misled you for years--even decades-- down a toxic road of dysfunction and confusion. You are seeking truthful and insightful answers from this person when therapists aren't even successful.

Reading comments such as, "The verbal abuse from my mother has lasted through all the lifetimes. It's still there, tucked away deep inside, it comes out from time to time and haunts me, it still has the ability to make me cry, and although I won't let it rule who I am anymore, I will never get over it and I will always wonder why" is heart-wrenching especially the always wondering WHY.

Sadly, often the abuse (whether physical, verbal, emotional) that occurred during childhood via our parent(s) continues into adulthood when the culprit hasn't sought therapy or had consistent therapy. How I was treated as a child was no different when I became a teenager or young adult or adult. My parents are the same people who have not attempted to take accountability for their actions or seek professional help. So although I had questions regarding my child / teen years, I also had just as many into my adulthood since the dysfunction continued. And boy oh boy, thank goodness for the wonderful friends that I have had through the decades who would listen for hours on end about MANY whys and questions. They are partly responsible for keeping me grounded and focused.

Besides finding answers through my friends, I read books like crazy. And when the Internet became more and more of a comprehensive tool, I used it to connect with others like me and to research even further. Then, I started to blog, which allowed me to take all of this information out of my head and put it somewhere else... AND most importantly, help others like me to sort out all of the jumbled mess that happened in the past and create an understanding of it all.

So, I am at peace with the estrangement knowing that no-contact is the healthiest alternative for not only myself but my child and husband too. Part of my being at peace is due to the research that I conducted about personality disorders, communicating with others who have experienced mirror situations, support from friends / family, writing down all my history with accompanying analysis, and more. If you notice, none of my answers have come from my parents.

I count on myself for my happiness, peace of mind, and understanding of this world. If I allowed my parents to dictate each of these elements, I would have been completely misled at a very young age. Consider their actions and how they conducted themselves as not only parents but citizens in their community, I am truly thankful that I developed into the person I am today and very saddened the toll it took on my brother. Also, my parents have never been ones to be transparent and allow for open communication. Both being highly narcissistic, communication is one-sided and all about their perspective. My parents won't even talk about neutral topics such as a simple memory from the past-- my Dad says that he doesn't want to remember the past and my mother distorts and twists the facts.

What I find amusing is that my mother hasn't made one attempt to reach out to me since our estrangement started in July 2004; however, she has not stopped talking to my brother about me. She claims that I am "ignoring" her. To be ignored, one must create an action to be disregarded. She has not tried to contact me since 2004; therefore, again she's positioning herself as the victim. If I were to try to find answers as to why our relationship is broken by asking her, what type of response do you think I'd get? The answer would be that I am responsible for the estrangement and everything in between.

My mother also says that I am **keeping away** my child from her. Again, she would have to reach out and then I would have to refuse in order to keep away. My mother and I became estranged three (3) years BEFORE my child was born (before I was even married). She has never contacted me about the birth of my child or any time thereafter, and thus, I have never had the opportunity to 'keep away' my child from her. If I were to try to find answers as to why our relationship is broken by asking her, what type of response do you think I'd get? Again, the answer would be that I am responsible for the estrangement and everything in between.

My Dad and I became estranged after he became upset that my husband's family was coming down for Christmas (Last Straw), thus "ruining" his traditional holiday get-together. He also claimed that my husband and I conspired to keep the in-law visit a secret, which we most certainly hadn't. The in-law trip was planned last minute to due a birth and then, very sadly, a death in the family. He cancelled coming over to our house via email and never contact me since. How very narcissistic (heartless and baseless as well) for him to only think of himself as well as to concoct a scenario to solicit sympathy towards himself when others are hurting from a death in the family. Again, if I were to seek any truth into our relationship, my Dad would not be able to provide it. Heck, he can't even talk to me about my childhood without scolding me that it's the past and he wants to forget about it.

But you CAN have your questions answered...

The answers you can get from your abuser are already in front of you:

Actions speak louder than words-- and the years of mistreatment, abuse, and more speak volumes in regard to answers as those actions are reprehensible and inexcusable. The patterns of abuse (physical, verbal, emotional) are very similar case-by-case. So finding others who have been through what you have is very cathartic and healing. You can find many answers through researching and communicating.
Find that validity through your enlightened witness, friends, and family who understand what you've gone through. Speak to them regarding their insight, what they witnessed, about the background / history of your parent(s).
Most importantly, you hold the answers in your heart. You KNOW why the relationship is broken or has ended. The reason for wanting **answers** is to give validity to your feelings and to ease your conscious. Believe in yourself and what you know.

The point with the examples is that when you are in a dysfunctional / abusive / toxic relationship, finding answers from the origin of the problem is not likely going to happen. And if you do venture to find answers from the other party, you will most likely not find the honest and earnest truth you are seeking. In fact, you will probably feel more disillusioned, confused, and hurt. You are the only person you can control and who can control what you feel-- find the answers within yourself and find peace.

What is Closure of a Relationship

2011-11-28T22:02:00.001-05:00

Closure seems like a **buzz word** but it's something that I feel and I know others would like to feel closure as well. Whether the closure relates to an estrangement with a family member, end of a romantic relationship, or any other relationship that has come to an end, closure is a goal for peace of mind and being able to live in the here-and-now.

Sometimes a relationship ends with no loose ends and no unanswered questions-- you simply move on and the relationship is final. Other relationships are not so cleanly ended. For example, in the situation with my mother and Dad, they are my parents and ending a relationship with a parent is not so simple or clean. Add in the manipulations, confusion, guilt-trips, brain-washing, and abuse that comes along with a mentally ill parent (ie: personality disorder such as Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) with my mother or Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) with my Dad) and finding closure is even more convoluted.

So, do you need to have closure? Not in order to move on, no. You can move on with life in a positive, healthy, productive, and happy manner without closure-- meaning, questions may still be left unanswered but you remove yourself from the abuse, negativity, unhappiness, and more in order to improve your life, find happiness, and have peace.

However, without closure, you may still have that little voice in the back of your head wondering what the person is up to, why did the person treat you this way / that way, when (if ever) will they change so that a mutually beneficial / healthy relationship is possible, or you may play out what happened in the past over and over in your head. In other words, although you may not have found closure, proceeding through life in a direction away from the relationship that ended occurs but you still think of that person and have questions floating around in your mind about them, the past with them, or 'what ifs'.

During the first part of the estrangement / no contact / break-up, you may be angry, sad, pensive, or empty. As time goes on, you will find strength in being able to see the whole picture. When you are in a relationship, you are too closely entwined in what is happening to see the entire perspective. I like to explain 'relationship perspective' this way: when you are in a relationship, it's like your nose is pressed up against a huge painting so all you see is what is directly in front of your eyes. The dynamics of the relationship are so much more but all you can see is what your nose is pressed up against. As you take a step away from the relationship (aka: the painting on the wall), you will see more and more of the painting. The further you step away and as more time passes, the more you can see the entire picture surrounding the relationship. You will suddenly start to see things the way others from the outside see. The perspective changes: you see details you didn't see before, insignificant things become less and less important, and significant things become more pronounced.

As time passes and your perspective changes, you start to see more and more clearly what happened to you:

In one respect, this clarity could cause greater pain initially as how you were treated and what transpired in the past becomes more evident. But this is necessary in order to move on-- if you were operating under false assumptions about the relationship, these truths that become apparent will help to guide you to strength and conviction of how you are going to conduct your life. Therapy will help during this time, as well as talking to a close confidant who can provide validation, support, and a listening ear.
In another respect, the clearer perspective can immediately give you the boost you need to find closure in the relationship. Truth is power. Being truthful with yourself and your past will give you the power to move forward through life and away from your painful past.

Once I was away from my parents and was able to reflect on what happened, writing certainly helped to bring everything out into the forefront. Starting from as early as I could remember, I wrote everything down from my perspective and memory. Additionally, talking with those who were involved in my life during the abuse by my parents was validating and freeing. Lastly, I researched and read and researched and read some more. The more I wrote, talked, researched, and read, the more I understood. The more I understood, the more I accepted what happened to me. The more I accepted what happened to me, the more closure I gained. At this point, I am not looking back, and I am at peace with where I am in my life relative to the estrangements with my parents.

Don't get me wrong. I went through 5 year cycles of estrangement with my BDP mother from when I was a child up until the last estrangement in 2004. I gave her second and third and fourth chances-- so closure of the relationship didn't happen until this last estrangement which had a great deal of experiences as the foundation. And in regard to my Dad, we had a precarious relationship since his 2nd marriage 30 years ago. So with both relationships, the end wasn't a quick and immediate occurrence-- and closure didn't happen quickly.

During each estrangement with my mother, I analyzed, soul searched, and dissected how we got to that point. So with each estrangement, more and more knowledge of my mother was acquired which ultimately gave me the strength to find closure with the last and final estrangement. With my Dad, I also analyzed, soul searched, and dissected our relationship and his narcissistic behavior-- and the final straw was how he was treating my newborn baby, my husband, and me. Closure with him was easier as his behavior was increasingly intense rather than Dr. Jekyll / Mr. Hyde like my mother. My Dad was consistently self absorbed and malignantly narcissistic.

Formal steps for finding closure are as follows, however, remember that each and every one of us comes from unique sets of circumstances (abuse, family situations, personalities, etc) that these are simply a guideline:

Grieve the loss of your relationship and allow yourself to feel the pain of the estrangement / no contact / break-up. Don’t avoid the hurt by distracting yourself from the reality because you can’t heal and move on until you’ve grieved.
Refrain from contacting the estranged. No contact means just that-- no contact. No contact means no contact on the phone, text, via social networking, spying online, emailing. Contacting the person will not change how you got to where you are in the relationship. Recovering from the grief is a difficult process that takes patience. Contacting your estranged may temporarily alleviate the pain, but contact is simply postponing the inevitable.
Spend time alone to reflect on the relationship's positive and the negative aspects. Be honest with yourself and don’t solely focus on the affirmative components of the relationship because you love / miss the person.
Alter your perspective to include a positive outcome. Think about all that you’ve learned through the painful process and recognize that the agony will subside as you move on and look forward to what’s ahead in your life.

Former therapist, grief counselor and life coach Susan Elliott suggests: "Don't mistake grief for love. It's normal and natural to grieve any loss...even if the relationship was the worst in the world. Don't let your grief cause you to second guess your feelings. Part of the grief process is ‘review and relinquishment’ where it is necessary to process through the relationship. Unfortunately this review comes in the form of having the (estranged) on your mind constantly. It's a 'working through' and it doesn't mean you're not going to get over it, or that you still love the (estranged). It means your mind is doing the work it needs to do to process through it and get over it."

So as time goes on and you can intellectualize exactly the abuse you went through, how awful the treatment was from your parent(s) / family member / estranged... but you still miss having a mother to celebrate on Mother's Day or you wish for a loving and warm relationship with a parent or you may think you should consider giving the person a second chance since life is so short and you believe in forgiveness. Has closure been achieved? Not in my opinion. The missing and the wishing wouldn't be a part of your thought process if closure has been **officially** achieved. Acceptance has been achieved as you are proceeding through life with the understanding that the estrangement / no contact is in effect-- but closure hasn't occurred as thought patterns are swaying toward wanting to spend time or reconcile with the person.

In many ways, an estrangement of a parent or close family member is essentially like grieving the death of that parent / family member. In order to successfully work through the grief of a parent’s death, individuals need to be open to dealing with their emotions completely, to express them honestly, and discuss them with someone who can provide support. Only through this process will a person be able to resolve his or her grief which also applies to parental estrangement.

Closure happens when you can finally put the past to rest and not look back. Closure happens when you are content with the here-and-now. Closure happens when you can be at peace with what happened and move on directly into the future confidently. May you find the closure you are seeking.

Is Spanking or Whipping Child Abuse?

2011-11-08T19:09:00.001-05:00

With the recent flurry of media attention from the video gone viral by the daughter (Hillary Adams) of a Texas court judge (Judge William Adams), a lot of discussion has been taking place about whether the judge went above and beyond simple discipline of his child. For those of you who haven't seen the video, you can watch it here: Texas Judge Whips Daughter

When I watched this video, I was out of breath with sweating palms and shaking hands. My heart was racing. I cannot believe that these parents treated their precious child with so much anger and venom. With all of the vulgarities and insults, this was not only an example of physical abuse but verbal abuse.

The parents' approach was not in a loving manner but in a controlling, angry, and out of control manner. The abuse seemed to never end. The father kept coming back for more-- and then the mother came into the room saying that the girl should take it like a woman. What a poor statement on the mother's behalf. And then the mother took the belt and whipped the girl one time- otherwise known as 'kicking the dog while its down'.

Anyway, this is FAR from a spanking. The judge was beating her on the front, back, sides, where-ever. And he kept coming back for more, yelling profanities the entire time:

"I'll spank your f___ing face" "
Get on your f___ing stomach" "
Get on your G_d d__n stomach"
"I'll beat you into submission"
"You don't deserve to be in this f___ing house"
"I should just keep beating you and beating you, that's how upset I am"
"If you raise your f___ing voice one little bit to me or your mother ... or look at me f__ing wrong I will wear your f___ing a__ out with this belt."
"You caused this with your dis-f__ing-obidence"

My word! This is verbal abuse and so disheartening. Why are these parents (more so her father) talking so vulgarly to their daughter? Would they want her talking to them that way? What type of leadership are they illustrating to her?

In regard to discipline, I have several points:

The child should be spoken to in a calm and collect manner.
The child should be told what he / she did incorrectly and what he / she should have done instead.
The child should be allowed to express why he / she did what he / she did.
The discipline that follows should be progressive. For the first incidence, the repercussion is _____ (time out, restriction, removal of item). For the second incidence, the repercussion should be more harsh (longer time out, longer restriction, longer period of removal of item). The third incidence (three strikes you're out) should be long term or permanent loss of privilege.
The discipline should be administered in a controlled and loving manner. If a parent is angry, the parent should walk away, take a breather, and then continue to address the incident.
The discipline should never be the parent taking their frustrations out on their child.
The child should know that he / she is loved and thus in a safe and secure environment-- not with a parent that is out-of-control. If the parent is out-of-control, trust is lost between parent and child; therefore, discipline is less effective.
The parent should lead by example. If the parent has a tantrum (like this judge in the video), what is the child learning?

In this video, the girl apparently: (1) didn't use the computer strictly for school as instructed and (2) downloaded items that should have been downloaded from a pay-site. If the judge wanted to use a controlled spanking after he spoke with her about the two infractions, she should have known ahead of time that the repercussion is ________ number of spankings for each infraction. The discipline would have been calmly executed. After the spankings, the father should have lovingly spoken to her about what to correctly do next time-- reiterating that the computer is just used for school and no downloading of any kind. If this was the 2nd or 3rd infraction, progressive discipline should be administered.

I feel the more effective discipline, however, is restriction from use of computer as well as going online to pay for the downloads legally. Since she is 16 y/o and able to reason and discuss what is acceptable behavior as well as what is legal use of the Internet, talking to her in depth about these issues is valuable not only short-term but long-term. What did she learn about legally downloading items online by getting whipped and hearing profanities screamed at her? Additionally, having her research digital piracy, penalties for digital piracy, and other legal aspects of online usage related to her infraction would be greatly beneficial.

Another point is that the discipline should have a clear beginning and a clear ending. This judge did not have a clear ending with the whipping discipline. Therefore, in the case of a spanking, the beginning should take place after the initial talk about what she did incorrectly. The spanking then should take place with a countdown. Once the spanking is finished, a discussion of what needs to be improved should follow. This would conclude the discipline session. In the case of time outs or restrictions, again, there is a talk prior to the discipline. Thereafter, the time out or restriction follows. Once the time out or restriction ends, a follow-up discussion takes place regarding future expectations.

The definition of physical abuse is abuse involving contact intended to cause feelings of intimidation, injury, or other physical suffering or bodily harm.. This judge is illustrating abusive behavior due as he is clearly intimidating her by cowering over her, whipping her front / back / sides, picking her up off of the floor by the arm and pulling her back onto the bed, getting into her face, and more. He also intended to cause injury as he was using a belt (the biggest one he could find as he stated at the beginning), whipped her all over her front even when she wouldn't turn around for her bottom to be spanked, and kept beating her even after her cries for him to stop. He also caused physical suffering by continually coming back into the room for more as well as continuing to beat her when she refused to flip over onto her stomach.

He does not appear to want to improve her behavior but take out his rage on her, verbally and physically. Whipping her up and down the front of her body-- as well as chasing her around her bed-- is not teaching her anything about what she did wrong or how to correct it. What his behavior is simply doing is teaching her not to respect him. And with parenting, respect is of utmost importance.

The mother is culpable as well. She did nothing to stop the father from taking out his temper tantrum on the daughter. She actually aided and abetted, adding in commentary to further wound the child mentally. The father shows that he is a control freak, and the mother further solidifies this stance by demanding the girl to be a submissive woman. My heart cried out to see a mother take this position-- and to compound the incident worse by taking the belt and whipping her daughter one time. That whipping was almost like kicking the dog one more time 'just because'... kicking the dog when it's down. Very sad state of affairs. I feel for this adult child of this abusive man (and mother-- who didn't have the courage, care, or insight to stop her raging husband).

Bottom-line, we should love our children, lead by example, and solve issues with careful and controlled discipline. We are bestowed the greatest responsibility in the world, and we should take that responsibility and treat it with respect. We are the parents, and we should lead the way to a happy, secure, loving world. Flying of the handle uncontrollably and treating your child with such venom is not a way that child learn effectively. In fact, that type of treatment wounds the child, damages their sense of self, and hurts the child to the core.

So is spanking or whipping a form of child abuse? If the spanking is used in a manner that is loving and respectful, then for SOME children, this MAY be an acceptable and productive way to discipline. Spanking is legal. But is spanking the right thing to do? There is a FINE LINE between spanking and physically abusing. Remember: physical abuse is abuse involving contact intended to cause feelings of intimidation, injury, or other physical suffering or bodily harm. Spanking in any case would be intimidating to a child, cause injury by bruising, and cause physical suffering by the mere act itself.

I have worked with children in all sorts of capacities, and I have always had to use discipline procedures that involve time outs and restrictions. I have never been able to use spankings- nor would I. I cannot imagine spanking, physically striking, or whipping a child.... period. And with all of the decades of dealing with children, I have been successful with children of all types using time outs and restrictions. The main key is consistency and progressive. I have had no problem getting compliance from large groups of kids by communicating expectations, having consistent repercussions for misbehavior, and follow-up with areas to improve.

We tell our kids to keep their hands to themselves, not to hit, and to be nice. Shouldn't parents do the same? And if the school systems, day-cares, and other child care organizations don't spank, why is spanking alright for the parent to do? I say, let's treat our children with love-- as much love as possible. And let's give them the attention they need-- namely positive attention that let's them know we see what they're doing and care. And I believe you will get the best out of each and every one of them. As far as this judge, I pray he doesn't get re-elected. He presides over child abuse / custody cases and doesn't illustrate clear judgment about these topics as illustrated by this damaging video.

Autoimmune Disease and Borderline Personality Link

2011-10-06T23:05:00.000-04:00

After the post about Overreactions to Illness and Hysteria with Borderline Personality, I have received many emails and comments about how their Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) mothers have auto-immune diseases. Specifically, one reader wrote, "I find it interesting that your mother was diagnosed with an autoimmune disorder, as my mother is also (she is diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis and psoriasis). Although I know there is nothing that can be done to prevent an autoimmune disorder, I can't help but wonder why so many BPD individuals are diagnosed with them. A friend's BPD sister was recently diagnosed with an autoimmune disorder as well. Now, this could be pure coincidence, but I was wondering if you had any thoughts on this topic or knew of any related research."

After this email, I thought researching this correlation further (BPD correlating with autoimmune diseases) would be interesting and revealing. And it sure was!

Individuals who have BPD or any of the other Axis II Cluster B's (BPD, NPD, ASPD, HPD) often suffer from autoimmune illness due to the stress and elevated cortisol levels which induce a cascade of autoimmune issues.
Autoimmune-related inflammation may exacerbate BPD symptoms or vice versa.
Present data demonstrate a clinically significant, longitudinal correlation between fluctuating antithyroid antibody titers and symptoms of BPD psychopathology.

Further, keep in mind that BPD is also associated with less healthy lifestyle choices (e.g., smoking, alcohol use, lack of regular exercise) which can cause a myriad of health challenges, problems, and diseases. With this article, however, we are focused on the connection between BPD and autoimmune disease specifically.

First off, BPD can have a major impact on physical health. BPD individuals often endure chronic medical conditions and pain disorders such as fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue syndrome, obesity, diabetes, hypertension, arthritis, and back pain (Psyche Solve). Additionally, individuals who have BPD or any of the other Axis II Cluster B's (BPD, NPD, ASPD, HPD) often suffer from autoimmune illness due to the stress and elevated cortisol levels which induce a cascade of autoimmune issues. In normal circumstances, cortisol keeps the immune system in homeostasis, preventing inflammation from going out of control. In many patients with autoimmune diseases, this cortisol response and the cascade of brain hormones that stimulates its release are impaired, so there is no shutoff valve to end inflammation when it is no longer needed. In other patients, the cortisol response may be intact but immune cells are resistant to the anti-inflammatory effects of cortisol due to abnormalities in the cortisol receptor. In both circumstances, inflammation goes on unchecked without the dampening effect of the body own cortisol (American Autoimmune).

Next, in the book, "Sometimes I Act Crazy: Living with Borderline Personality Disorder" by Jerold J. Kreisman M.D. and Hal Stras, the authors draw a connection between autoimmune disorders and BPD. The following is an excerpt: Some researchers have investigated the connection of BPD to autoimmune disorders, in which the body has a kind of allergic reaction to itself and produces antibodies to its own organs. One example, rheumatoid arthritis, is associated with an unusually high prevalence of BPD. One study followed a woman with fluctuating BPD symptoms over a period of nine months while measuring her antithyroid antibodies. These investigators discovered significantly lower levels of the antibodies during periods when her depression and psychosis ratings were low, and higher levels when her symptoms increased. This finding suggests that autoimmune-related inflammation may exacerbate BPD symptoms or vice versa.

The following abstract is focused on the same issue, that BPD and autoimmune disease are correlated. And the conclusion is that a relationship between thyroid hormones / autoimmunity and BPD exists. Before reading, understand that antithyroid antibodies are antibodies directed against the thyroid gland (a gland which produces thyroid hormones). Antithyroid antibodies can be associated with inflammation of the thyroid gland and affect its function. Testing for antithyroid antibodies in the blood is useful in the diagnosis of some thyroid and other disorders including: Hashimoto thyroiditis (an autoimmune thyroid disease), Graves disease (overactivity of the thyroid), hypothyroidism (underactivity of the thyroid), thyroid cancer, Lupus, rheumatoid arthritis, autoimmune hemolytic anemia and Sjogren syndrome. Now to that abstract... deep breath and read on:

Circulating thyroid autoantibodies are more prevalent in patients with mood disorders than in the general population, but longitudinal clinical data that establish a relationship between thyroid antibody status and the course of any psychiatric syndrome have been lacking. In addition, scant attention has been paid to thyroid hormones and autoimmunity in borderline personality disorder (BPD). We report a case of a patient with classic BPD whose fluctuating mood and, especially, psychotic symptoms-rated using a double-blind method-were directly linked to antithyroglobulin antibody titers serially determined over an inpatient period of 275 d. Significantly lower psychosis and depression ratings were seen during a 4-wk period of relatively low antithyroid antibody titers, during blinded treatment with carbamazepine, than were observed during two high autoantibody epochs. The significant positive correlations between nurse- and patient-rated depression and thyroid autoantibodies over the entire period of inpatient study were similar to those also observed between urinary free cortisol levels and depression; the positive correlation between antithyroglubulin antibody titers and psychotic symptoms was stronger (r = +0.544; p < 0.002). Although this patient had biochemical indices of primary hypothyroidism, she showed only marginal improvement to triiodothyronine (T3) and no apparent clinical response to sustained levorotatory thyroxine (T4) administration; neither were antithyroid antibody titers significantly associated with changes in T3, free T4, or thyroid-stimulating hormone concentrations. She clinically deteriorated during a 50-d fluoxetine trial. The present data demonstrate a clinically significant, longitudinal correlation between fluctuating antithyroid antibody titers and symptoms of borderline psychopathology in our patient. It will be of interest to determine the prevalence, pathophysiologic mechanisms, and treatment implications of this putative autoimmune- BPD link.

Another interesting observation is that medical conditions which cause organic behavioral function may result in a clinical picture that mimics to some degree BPD. Hormonal dysfunction over a long period, or brain dysfunction (e.g. the encephalopathy caused by lyme disease) can result in identity disturbance and mood lability, as can many other chronic medical conditions such as Lupus. These conditions may isolate the patient socially and emotionally, and/or cause limbic damage to the brain. However, this is not BPD which results, but rather a reaction to the isolating circumstances caused by a medical condition and the possibly coincident struggles of the patient to control his or her mood given damage to the brain's limbic system (Wikipedia).

So, with the reports coming from Kreisman and Stras as well as scientific exploration into the correlation between autoimmune diseases and BPD, we may be closer to finding out if indeed a direct link exists. At this point, the assumption seems pretty strong that a link does exist-- and solid research has already been conducted and concluded in regard to bipolar and autoimmune diseases. With BPD gaining more attention, more studies will be conducted. I will be very interested to see the results. A link exists as high levels of stress have been proven to trigger autoimmune diseases; however, does the reverse apply? Does an autoimmune disease bring about BPD?

How to Forgive an Abusive Parent

2011-10-04T20:18:00.000-04:00

How do you forgive your abusive parent / parents? Well first off, what exactly is forgiveness? I have always pondered the definition as well as if I have actually forgiven my parents. "To forgive" seems like it's as difficult to define as "to love."

I am not angry with my parents. I don't want any ill-will or negativity between them and me. I don't want revenge or wish them any harm. In fact, I simply want peace for me and my family. I am not a fighter, and I stray away from conflict. I dislike tit-for-tat and will not engage in that type of behavior.

All along, I have never blamed my parents for anything that I am responsible for-- which includes my life and who I am. I am the master of my own destiny, and although my upbringing was tough, I believe my experiences made me who I am today. I learned as a young girl that I am the only one who is responsible for me. I learned that I am the only one with whom I can depend. I learned very young that I have to be strong and take care of myself. Thus, I grew into a strong and independent person.

Although my parents engaged in all types of manipulative, guilt-trip, emotionally abusive, and confusing behaviors with my brother and me, I always knew that they were in the wrong-- that we were just children and not responsible for our parents' reckless and careless actions. After being caught in the middle of my parents destructive divorce (my childhood), they each remarried into ready-made families before my brother and I were able to adjust from the split of our own family unit. Parental Alienation continued, battles in court ensued, and the emotional fall-out continued. Throughout my childhood and teen years, I accepted how my parents were, clearly cognizant that neither was **right** And into my adulthood, my parents were flippant with their relationships with my brother and me. So my brother and I went in and out of estrangements with our parents.

I always searched for my part in the relationship's challenges-- as every relationship takes two. I would analyze and dig deeply to assess my accountability in the estrangements. And time and time again, I was never angry or resentful or even bitter-- always sad that broken relationships surrounded my family. I also wished that our family could be a happy family that shared in successes and supported during failures. But most importantly, I always accepted that these were the cards that I was dealt, and I would manage them to the best of my abilities. When I was a single woman, I could handle the dysfunction and toxicity to a degree and then I would have to back away. But with the entry of a husband and then a daughter, the tolerance for the disruptive, harmful, hurtful, and terribly confusing behavior had to stop. No more cycles in and out ... no more endless nights analyzing why this and that happened... no more walking on egg-shells.

So, have I forgiven?

From a dictionary stand point, forgiveness is:

letting go of the need for revenge and releasing negative thoughts of bitterness and resentments
excusing for a fault or offense-- to pardon.
renouncing anger against.

I never felt the need for revenge nor have I been angry. I have felt hurt and astonished by they behaviors. I never felt the need to disparage my mother the way she's done to me since my childhood. I have not been bitter or held resentments to my mother or Dad. I also realize that they are who they are-- that they act the way they do, not because of me, but because of who they are. They treat others the way they treat me-- so I do pardon them for how they act. I don't like how I was treated nor accepted being treated poorly but I understand that they are both personality disordered. I definately will not accept my husband or child being treated poorly like how I was treated; therefore, I protect both from the 'known dangers.'

From a psychological perspective, forgiveness involves the affective, behavioral and cognitive systems of the forgiver, how one feels about the offender, behaves toward her and thinks about her. Forgiveness is letting go of the negative feelings and the emotional consequences of the hurt, namely the bitterness and resentment. The negative behavior toward the perpetrator is replaced with positive behavior. The choice is not to retaliate but to respond in a loving way and giving up the right to hurt back. The negative thoughts regarding the offender are changed as the intellectual decision to forgive is made and the good and bad aspects of the perpetrator are integrated. The Forgiveness Web

How do I feel about my mother and Dad? Again, I am not bitter or resentful. I am not hurt by them at this point. By removing myself from the Dr. Jekyll / Mr. Hyde cycles of my mother as well as the narcissistic behaviors of my Dad, I have removed myself and my husband from repeatedly getting hurt, insulted, manipulated, and involved in the dysfunction & toxicity. I have never felt the need to hurt back which is evidenced by my walking away rather than fighting time-and-time again.

I love this definition of forgiveness: to forgive is to give up all hope for a better past:

If you are locked in regret over the past, you have less available to your life now.
If you don't forgive, you are prejudging your future because you are on-guard, defended and, helpless from residual bitterness which influences your capacity for happiness because you haven't resolved something from your past.

I love that definition and it's counterparts. I have always had a rich and abundant life-- from as far back as I can remember, I have had a positive and cheery outlook on life and what is ahead. I have not had regrets, especially with my parents. I tried to manage, understand, tolerate, and move forward. And I have not been on-guard, defended, or helpless because of my past-- in fact, my experiences have been the opposite as I became empowered due to what I experienced in the past. I knew I had to be able to be self sufficient, and I shot out into the world at 18-years old and never looked back. I went to college, excelled in academics, went out into the corporate world, and succeeded as a single woman, living independently. I didn't look back until I was almost 30 years old, which is when I started to think about what brought me to where I was at that point.

I believe that forgiveness is a fresh start and clears a new view. The view is that an 'awful thing' happened and hurt; however, that incident(s) will not take over life. I have the ability to love my mother when she was around (not bringing up previous estrangements or conflicts with her) but then handle the estrangement knowing that she went into another Mr. Hyde cycle. Don't get me wrong-- going into another estrangement wasn't a **happy** occurrence. Going into an estrangement was the feeling of sadness and loss again-- but also the feeling of a huge weight off my shoulders as the walking on eggshells can be very stifling. As far as my Dad, I tried to comprehend and understand his selfishness and the behaviors surrounding it; however, the weight that was lifted when I didn't have to endure being invisible or his condescending comments was freeing. The choice of a fresh start with clear new view is always available rather than bitterness and revenge. People who have forgiven have visible power, strength, and courage. Rather than eye-for-an-eye, they heal.

Part of forgiveness is not blaming for suffering. The 'awful thing' happened and the response is to move forward. Move forward with openness and trust without blaming for suffering. Give very little power to people who are cruel. Forgiving means power is taken back and declaring your own life.

Sure I wish things were better-- and sure I wish that I had happy, peaceful, and mutually beneficial relationships with my parents; however, I don't have the ability to have a happy, peaceful, or mutually beneficial relationship with them. The specific BPD woman marries a specific BPD man: hermit with a huntsman (protector), queen seeks a king (attracts attention and is a narcissist), witch seeks a fisherman (is dominated and controlled), and the waif marries a frog-prince (rescuer). The common denominator in the various types of men who marry BPD's is their tendency to reinforce the pathological dynamics between the mother and child (Lawson pp 178 -179). Therefore, understanding my Dad's relationship with my BPD mother (and even my step-father's relationship with my BPD mother) was essential to understanding my own experience-- and also essential in my understanding why I can't have a mutually beneficial relationship with them.

There's clear evidence that if people apologize, it's easier to forgive. Forgiveness, though, is not limited by that-- and I have gotten apologies from my mother at various times during my life; however, she overwhelmingly points the finger at my brother and me. She either doesn't comprehend or realize the repercussions from her actions-- or she has rationalized and justified her actions-- or she has convinced herself by telling the same lie over and over. Even if the person utters no conciliatory words and suffers no consequence, forgiveness can still occur because forgiveness is always for you.

I don't need my mother or Dad to apologize-- I would like them to recognize and acknowledge their actions but apologizing for them would actually seem insincere since their narcissism is so encompassing that the apology would most likely be self-serving. You forgive by remembering what happened and you commit yourself to it never happening again-- thus the reason why I have walked away after 4 decades of trying to have relationships with them.

Forgiveness does not mean condoning the action or that you have to reconcile with or like the person who did it. Declaring, "This was such a heinous act, I sever my relationship with them" which doesn't mean seeking justice. Forgiveness means that you don't take what happened as just personal, that you see it as a part of the bigger, ongoing human experience of hurt, resolution, conflict and negotiation. I realize that I happened to be born to this mother, a mother whom I don't like her actions or like her. I don't seek justice but I don't condone her behaviors. I also was born to a man who left when I was months old. I forgive him for letting me be adopted by another man, but I am not reconciled with him. And the man who adopted me is highly narcissistic with behaviors that are very self-serving; however, I don't condone the behaviors and don't want to subject myself or husband or child to his hurtful and bewildering actions.

Parents are the people we look to nurture us and keep us safe. When a parent abuses a child, the impact is life-long. Adult victims of abuse may have trouble trusting or suffer post-traumatic stress. For some, forgiving abusive parents may be a needed step to recovery. Be patient as forgiveness may take time until you are ready to forgive abusive parents. Take the time you need to work through your issues and don't revisit old arguments as going over the same issues may not help the situation.

Forgiveness the key to living "better, not bitter." While you are weak or while you are still suffering from the effect of the 'awful thing' done to you, forgiveness is challenging. Even if forgiveness is possible, it's still challenging. Take the time to heal wounds, eliminate of the negative consequences, and become more powerful-- then forgiveness will become much easier.

Overreactions to Illness and Hysteria with Borderline Personality

2011-09-29T22:10:00.000-04:00

Borderline Personality Disordered (BPD) individuals may display dramatic or hysterical behavior as well as overreact to illness and accidents. These behaviors leave family members "sucked in and emotionally depleted" (Lawson, p 15). Although all BPD's are prone to hysterical reactions when stressed, the Hermit BPD feels particularly threatened by illness. She is intolerant of discomfort, inconvenience, and pain. She may moan and groan, scream and cry primarily out of fear, not pain. When frightened, she becomes hostile. Her exaggerated responses confuse those who care for her. Family members may be unable to distinguish minor injuries from major emergencies (Lawson, p 93). Additionally, the BPD Waif may suffer from chronic or recurrent illnesses with frequent medical visits (Lawson, p 64).

Each of these statements above depicts very clearly my BPD mother and her ever expanding list of illnesses and ailments and her dramatic and hysterical reactions to them. To be fair, she has been diagnosed with an auto-immune disease in 1995. However, besides my mother, I know many people with her type of autoimmune disease, and my mother is the only one who is as crippled mentally and physically as she. She has claimed to be effected by a host of diseases, conditions, and illnesses in addition to the autoimmune disease; however, most of them have never come to fruition. She scours the Internet and the PDR (Physician's Desk Reference) in order to self-diagnose herself. Then she dreams up these horrible possibilities which she then communicates to family and friends. As Lawson mentioned, family members have a challenging time distinguishing between fabricated, minor, and major health claims.

Recently the reports have gotten more and more dramatic per emails that my brother has forwarded to me from my mother. Just this year, she has claimed to be losing her kidneys and may need a kidney transplant (even went so far as to ask my brother if he would donate one of his), claimed to have polymyositis (widespread inflammation, loss of, and weakness of the muscles which she stated would ultimately effect her heart and be terminal), and claimed to have heart disease. Each of these claims did not get diagnosed after tests by her doctors. She has always been the victim-- whether she's the victim of something one of her friends did to her or something that one of her family did to her (ie: me, her sister, my brother, her father) or with these medical issues.

In regard to her health, she always had a weak fortitude since as far back as I can remember. She has always been tired and rarely physically active. She smoked a lot, never exercised, and was always sedentary. But above all-- she was always fatigued. Additionally, she has displayed the inability to handle discomfort, inconvenience, or pain. She would tell me stories of the dentist, gynecologist, and other medical visits from her childhood to present that were uncomfortable, inconvenient, or painful. And now, through experiences of my own with the same procedures, I have not felt the same. In fact, each of the experiences has been built up with anxiety due to what she had said, and then to my surprise, the experience was pleasant and comfortable.

In regard to her health, she had strange ailments pop up through the years such as 2nd degree burns at the beach in 1976 and toe nails falling off in the 1980's. Then starting at the end of the 1980's, she started to gain weight and hurt when moving. By the early 1990's she was diagnosed with fibromyalgia. By 1995, she had surgery (hysterectomy).

While she was in the hospital, she had fits of extreme hysteria. Her behavior was completely erratic, wild, and, well, crazy. She would say one thing, scream another, cry & plead, and was out of control. "Borderlines are prone to hysterical reactions. She is intolerant of discomfort, inconvenience, and pain. She may moan and groan, scream and cry primarily out of fear, not pain. When frightened, she becomes hostile. Her exaggerated responses confuse those who care for her" p 93 Lawson. I definitely didn't know what to do. I was confused and looked to my step-father for guidance. He seemed as bewildered as I was.

When she first came out of surgery, she asked for and looked to her friend for comfort. She rejected my affection, including holding my hand, having me caress her, and merely sitting next to her. I was ignored and eye-contact was avoided. I was puzzled as to what I had done to deserve this treatment. And then when it came to the evening, although I was supposed to stay the night in the room, she asked her friend to stay. I gathered my things and began to leave with my step-father. That's when the hysteria peaked.

She went completely hysterical with yelling, screaming, and crying. I truly didn't know what to do as she was irrational and seemingly psychotic. My step-father had her friend and myself step out of the room so he could talk with her. We could hear her screaming, bawling, and freaking-out at him. Her behavior was bizarre. When he emerged from the room, he advised me to leave with him and for my mother's friend to stay. I was still completely baffled as to why she was pushing me away but upset that I was leaving. My step-father was equally confused as we spoke about it on our way out to our cars. "Overreaction to pain or illness is a consequence of the inability to sooth or comfort herself. When she feels vulnerable, she is incapable of containing anxiety" p 93 Lawson.

I had observed this type of behavior when I was a child. When she had sun-burn at the beach, I found her crawling on the floor, hysterical and yelling at my father (1976). When she went to the hospital when I was in high-school (1983), she was irrational and confusing: requesting one thing then scolding you for doing that, insisting she meant something else. The worst was the incident in 1995 mentioned above, but her behavior in 1999 was equally as scarring to me (mentioned below). Her hysteria was not limited to illnesses / ailments. A few examples are when she went hysterical when my Dad went on business trips (throughout the 1970's), went ballistic in the house (tearing it apart with my Dad ultimately restraining her on the living room floor- mid-70's), and threw herself down (hysterically crying) on the door-step of a family's home that I was babysitting (my Dad was awarded custody at the time- early 80's).

Now back to the mid-90's: I was very frustrated with my mother during the years of finding a diagnosis, as well as after the autoimmune disease diagnosis (1995). She wasn't doing anything to help her cause. Equally dysfunctional is the BPD completely neglecting her health as my mother did during these years (Lawson, p 64). My mother remained sedentary. She ate terribly. Although she had claimed to have stopped smoking, she was sneaking cigarettes whenever she could. She was very negative and not finding the positive in life. I would try to motivate her to exercise-- walk, stretch, get out-- but my ideas were always greeted with excuses. During this time, she would actually avoid going to the doctor and dentist. She was skipping follow-up treatments and taking herself off of her medications. She completely neglected her health.

She wielded the guilt-trip weapon during this time too. I was offered a position at a company across the country from where we both resided. She was dramatic, firm, and clear when she stated, "You wouldn't think of moving away when your mother is this sick... would you?" I ended up not taking the job. Ironically, we ended up estranged shortly after that due to a package I recieved in the mail from my Dad that she went bonkers over: Here We Go Again

By May of 1999, my brother and I decided to break the silence between our mother and us. We called her on Mother's Day. She carried on as if nothing ever happened. In July 1999, she ended up in the hospital for a pulmonary embolism. The condition was truly serious, and she wanted to see my brother. So I flew him down, got him from the airport, and had him stay with me. My mother wanted him to spend the night in the hospital with her, but he didn't feel comfortable with that. I don't blame him (it had been 9 years since they had seen each other and only a few months into the reconciliation).

My mother, again, exhibited inappropriate and aggressive behavior while she was in the hospital. Keep in mind that this was the first time that my brother, mother, and me were all together in the same room in almost FIFTEEN years. My mother was acting like Mr. Hyde. I don't know what got into her, but there she was in the hospital bed, being very boisterous, pushy, and rotten. She became angered with my brother for not staying at her bedside day and night. She ranted that she didn't leave her mother's side when she was in the hospital- so she expected the same treatment. She was so angered with my brother that they ended up estranged again shortly after she was out of the hospital. Additionally, a topic that was never brought up in the past that she brought up out-of-the-blue was that I have a different father than my brother. She kept emphasizing that my brother "is ONLY" my half brother. Her behavior was not only dramatic but also inappropriate and out-of-place and with purpose. But what was that purpose? More about this period of time: In Through the Out Door

In regard to overreacting to illnesses: since her diagnosis of an autoimmune disease in 1995, my mother has claimed to have Rheumatoid Arthritis (inflammation of joints / tissues), Cushing's Disease (pituitary gland releases too much adrenocorticotropic hormone), Hashimoto's Disease (thyroid gland inflammation), Raynaud's Syndrome (vasospastic disorder causing discoloration of the fingers / toes), Sjogren's Syndrome (immune cells attack and destroy the exocrine glands that produce tears / saliva), chronic heart failure, polymyositis (weakness and/or loss of muscle mass in the proximal musculature, particularly in the shoulder and pelvic girdle), bladder dysfunction (went through an extensive battery of tests), kidney failure, heart failure, and more. Again, I have to stress that she DOES have an autoimmune disease; however, these other claims are above and beyond the autoimmune disease diagnosis and haven't been diagnosed by her doctors although she claims to be suffering from each.

"Sucked-in and emotionally depleted" is how Lawson described the family of a BPD who overreacts and is dramatic with illness and accidents. Indeed, caring for a BPD mother who is ill yet lashes out and is purposefully hurtful and rejecting is challenging: on one hand, you feel sympathy and empathy, and then on the other hand, you feel the need to protect yourself from the abuse. The irrational behavior is incomprehensible, and the bizarre and hysterical behavior is frightening. All the way around, being a child of a BPD mother who exhibits these behaviors is terribly confusing, perplexing, and disorienting.

A Borderline Mother's Perspective | The Other Side of the Equation

2011-09-21T23:20:00.000-04:00

The perspective of my blog has always been from my point-of-view: my experience with my personality disordered parents, namely my Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) mother. I have written at length what I feel like or how I have perceived the actions of my mother compared to academic studies and more.

After contemplating the subject for my next entry as well as being truly touched by a comment that a BPD / new mother of a 15 month old baby left me, I started pondering the other side of the BPD equation: the BPD mother's perspective along with the struggles and successes of daily life.

Two sides to every story exist, so why not explore the other side of BPD. I emailed a contact that I have through Facebook who runs a page called Understanding Borderline Personality Disorder I asked her if she would like to provide a piece on what BPD feels like. Here is what this mother of 3 wrote about a typical meal at a restaurant with her kids:

my most vivid description of what it feels like in a day of BPD

panic is always there. frustration as well. I expect too much from people, I think.

my girls are good kids. really great kids. I am lucky, and yet I still find their flaws and get upset.

I don't want them to act like that in public. their voices are too loud. they are too excited. they are too.....what? happy? why am I getting upset that they are overjoyed to be having dinner at IHop with me?

I dont know but it doesn't change the fact that I am now frustrated and panicky.

breathe, I think. Holly, just breathe. remember your girls are amazing little beings that are so much more well behaved than most. breathe. oh fudge, she's laughing too loud again. darn it. chew with your mouth closed! I think, fudge! how hard is that?

I have to get out of here. I have to get them out of here and back home where no one can see their misbehavior. where no one can judge me. where no one can look at me.

I know what they are thinking. she's too young to have 3 kids. I bet they arent even with one guy. they probably all have different dads. whore. worthless whore. can't she control them? pathetic. what a horrible mother. why do they let people like her have kids? sick. get me out of here I am screaming in my head.

trying to keep that fake smile on my face. trying to at least let the girls have a good time. hurry please, I say to my youngest. hurry. you need to eat. we are waiting on you. oh my gosh, we are leaving now so better finish your FOOD!

oh fudge, Holly, calm down. you're being ridiculous. please calm down. fudge, here come the tears. I didn't mean to raise my voice. I didn't mean to. I AM a horrible mother. oh shoot, I can't do this. this was a stupid idea. what have I done? we have to leave. please hurry. please eat faster. fudge, I'm going to have a panic attack. fudge fudge fudge. shoot, I'm not smiling.

just get everyone to the car, Holly. you'll be safe there. no one can see you there. it's too dark out. go go go - now go! please!

darn it, I ruined it again. why am I like this? fudge, Holly, get out of your head and pay attention to the freaking road. darn it. just calm down. breathe breathe breathe. turn the music up, then you won't be able to hear them and when you can't answer their questions, they can't get upset, right?

shhhh. it's fine Holly. you're fine. it's ok. right? you're fine. just listen to the music. oh thank goodness, Led Zeppelin. yes, listen to that. I think I might be sinking. throw me a line if I read you the time....yes, just sing along Holly. ok. ok. I can do this. I can do this. ok. it's going to be ok. it will be. it has to be. please let it be. fudge.

Here is a bit about the struggles with marriage & BPD:

I have recently had a set back though. where as I have been able to pull myself from the situation and evaluate my emotions and thoughts and decipher which ones are only my BPD and which ones are true and valid ones, recently it has been getting rougher to do. I am beginning to question myself again. wondering if I am truly "seeing" the full picture. or am I only convincing myself that the BPD thoughts and feel ARE the valid ones?

the blurred lines have been running through my head for the last couple weeks and with them comes doubts on many other decisions that I have made. questions such as "am i feeling this way mainly because of the holidays?" (which are always a time of general upset for me) and "why am I suddenly doubting when I was so proud and sure before?" "is it time for therapy again?" "what about medication?"

to be completely honest, these worries come from upsets currently going on in my marriage. I refuse to go into detail about any of this, but my husband and I are at a point where it seems like neither one of us are satisfied with the "solutions" that the other has come up with. I feel that I am reverting back to the norm of being the one who is wrong in the relationship. I have almost always been the one at fault. this is 100% honesty. most of our marital problems have come from the way I process life, due to BPD and other factors. I have been very lucky to have a husband who is very accepting, very calm, and helps when he can.

so what is the problem? it boils down to this. I believe that in the current situation we are both somewhat at fault, and I feel that he is not willing to negotiate. I feel that he says he will (possibly to shut me up for the time being, but that could very possibly be a BPD thought), but never actually follows through with the negotiations. so now I am doubting even those feelings. am I being my over-dramatic self when I feel this way? or am I validated? I can't give an honest answer.

The final writing explores the ability to function on a daily basis:

it shakes my whole being to think that something I was so sure of can be so suddenly put into question. by my own head. so who needs the therapy? me? us as a couple? him? all of the above? none of the above? and if we do need therapy how can I convince him that it is not a shot at his masculinity to seek therapy? (I believe a lot of men are brought up to feel that problems should be kept within the family) ugh. maybe I have not come as far as i made myself believe I had.

ready go. ready go. motivate motivate motivate! come on Holly, the house needs cleaned. you need to finish washing all the bedding at least. yeah what a brilliant idea that was to do. grr. do "normal" people feel this fatigued? ever? I just want to sleep. all day, all night. nope, can't do that. 3 little girls depend on you.

did I cook dinner yet? fudge. what time is it? I know they just ate some strawberries....yeah, nice try Holly. that doesn't count as dinner. fudge. ok, you can do this. it's just dinner and laundry, right? why does it have to be this hard?

when is my husband coming back? what day is it? ok, he will be here tomorrow. wait, he will be here TOMORROW! fudge, I have to clean this house up. I swear I just did this, like, yesterday. or was it the day before? or longer? darn it.

wow, I suck at life. when do people get to start enjoying this crap? or do normal people enjoy it already? fudge. oh well. frozen pizzas, I guess. it is Friday, right? no big deal....I'm a freaking failure. who am I kidding? they all see it. I know it. fudge.

The Silent Treatment by Borderline Mothers

2011-09-08T21:26:00.000-04:00

The silent treatment is a passive-aggressive form of emotional abuse in which contempt, disapproval and displeasure are displayed through nonverbal gestures while maintaining verbal silence. Additionally, the silent treatment is the cold shoulder, complete silence, distance, feigned apathy, and being ignoring. The goal of the punishment is to make the victim feel unimportant, not valued, and not cared about. As a form of non-physical punishment and control, the abuser believes if she doesn't physically harm then she is not an abuser; however, the silent treatment IS emotional abuse. The silent treatment is a form of erasing someone from the abuser's existence without the benefit of closure or a good bye or a chance at reconciliation.

The Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) mother may rage when angry, but many times she may use silent treatments. The BPD mother uses the silent treatment to torture the child(ren) that she professes to love. The silent treatment is a very narcissistic example of the lack of emotional regulation of the BPD. The silent treatment is control, and a safe means for them to avoid any 'uncomfortable' topics, issues in the relationship, or issues within herself; therefore, the silence is an abdication of personal responsibility.

Kimberly Roth, the author of Surviving a Borderline Parent, encountered many children of borderline parents who said they felt crazy growing up. "They experienced a lot of inconsistencies—an action or statement that earned praise one day would touch off a three-day, stony silent treatment the next—as well as sudden outbursts and overreactions." So they never learn to trust their own judgment or feelings. The most important element to recovery, she says, is to accept that you're not crazy and that "it wasn't me."

Throughout my life, my BPD mother has used the silent treatment as well as other ways of ignoring me as a way of 'punishing' me. Starting as a small child, she would lock herself in her room for up to days at a time. She would not speak to my brother and me unless absolutely necessary. Thankfully we had my Dad with which to communicate and to care for us. She continued this pattern into my adulthood-- with the worst episodes when I lived with her as a teenager. The pain and shame and feeling of isolation was overwhelming. I tried to reach out to others during this highly emotionally abusive time (my step-father, my friend, my friend's mother) but was only subjected to my mother's retaliation.

As a teenager, I was banished to the basement for 90 days, only allowed to leave to perform house and yard work. During this time, my mother wouldn't speak to me. I was completely ignored and isolated as I wasn't allowed to use the phone. I tried to appeal to my step-father's common sense, but in the midst of telling my point-of-view, my mother arrived in the basement and told him not to speak to me. She called me a bitch, and they both left. So, not only did I not have her speaking to me, but she prohibited my step-father from speaking to me as well as my ability to talk on the phone to others.

She also used notes to communicate during these silent treatment times. She wouldn't talk to me for a long period of time. Then she would start leaving notes for me around the house. Each note would get further and further off-base from the issue-- very bizarre writings. The notes would truly make me sick to my stomach as her illness was clearly apparent in these surreal and bizarre writings. Those outbursts and over-reactions that Roth referred to above were very apparent in these notes. More about this period of time: Run Forrest Run

When I went off to college, she became enraged because I didn't come home one weekend to see her. I tried to talk to her about the situation but she repeatedly hung-up on me. Instead, she used letter writing to communicate. She wouldn't talk to me on the phone (silent treatment), but she would send letter after letter-- each letter getting further and further from the truth and the issue. She eventually wrote that she didn't want me home for Thanksgiving ... then Christmas... and then ultimately she put my possessions on the street. I never responded to the letters; however, the letters got so upsetting to my then boyfriend that he confronted her about her fabricated and distorted views. More about this period of time: Out of the Nest

By the time the information technology age arrived, her methods shifted from letter writing to emails. She wouldn't call me or my then fiance (now husband) back on the phone (silent treatment) but she would fire off a series of emails to anyone that she had an email address. Her lack of emotional regulation was very apparent as she fired off inappropriate and delusional emails to my work colleagues, collegiate colleagues, future in-laws, friends, and more. More about this period of time: Little Women

Regardless if she gave me the silent treatment, left notes laying around the house, mailed me letters, or sent me emails, my mother has been incapable of honestly and openly discussing the issues at hand. The issues root to her fear of abandonment and rejection as well as her hypersensitivity to the topic of my Dad, her divorce from my Dad, and those she feels have hurt her. She has chosen time and time again to alienate herself from those around her by estranging herself from her daughter (me), her son, her sister, her father, and countless others. Rather than working through challenges, she claims the victim stance and retreats. And with the retreating, she comes ruthless with her words on paper.

So, my mother's silent treatment was not merely the absence of speaking. She added the element of note writing, letter writing, and sending emails as a form of control. With these methods she was able to refuse to communicate until she was ready to stop punishing-- and then she was able to one-sidely present her compoundingly and exponentially distorted, convoluted, and fabricated point of view. She was vicious with her words-- and still is as my brother is still in communication with her and received some very scathing and ruthless emails and texts from her. When she disagrees with him, she will not speak to him on the phone, but she will send him texts with harsh profanity (telling him to "f*&k off" repeatedly for example) and telling him how horrible he is.

Her silent treatment has always made me feel not valued by her... unimportant to her ... and easily discarded. The fact that she can stop communicating with me so quickly and flip to denigrating me is amazing and tragic. She sings my praises for years to completely change her tune in a matter of seconds-- her over-reaction leading to estrangement, the ultimate form of silent treatment. And her outbursts switch from notes / letters / emails TO me ... to notes / letters / emails ABOUT me. My mother, with her silent treatments and estrangements, has left no ability to have closure-- ever-- with any of our issues through the years. Even after a silent treatment or estrangement ended, nothing that transpired ever was discussed.

For those of you suffering from the silent treatment, please do not internalize the abuse. Remember that the silent treatment is passive aggressive and by no means resolves any of the extenuating issues. Remember also that you are worthy of being recognized, acknowledged, respected, and dignified with a response. And remember that you are not crazy ... and that it's not you.