The Queen and King

What is Closure of a Relationship

2011-11-28T19:02:00.000-08:00

Closure seems like a **buzz word** but it's something that I feel and I know others would like to feel closure as well. Whether the closure relates to an estrangement with a family member, end of a romantic relationship, or any other relationship that has come to an end, closure is a goal for peace of mind and being able to live in the here-and-now.

Sometimes a relationship ends with no loose ends and no unanswered questions-- you simply move on and the relationship is final. Other relationships are not so cleanly ended. For example, in the situation with my mother and Dad, they are my parents and ending a relationship with a parent is not so simple or clean. Add in the manipulations, confusion, guilt-trips, brain-washing, and abuse that comes along with a mentally ill parent (ie: personality disorder such as Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) with my mother or Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) with my Dad) and finding closure is even more convoluted.

So, do you need to have closure? Not in order to move on, no. You can move on with life in a positive, healthy, productive, and happy manner without closure-- meaning, questions may still be left unanswered but you remove yourself from the abuse, negativity, unhappiness, and more in order to improve your life, find happiness, and have peace.

However, without closure, you may still have that little voice in the back of your head wondering what the person is up to, why did the person treat you this way / that way, when (if ever) will they change so that a mutually beneficial / healthy relationship is possible, or you may play out what happened in the past over and over in your head. In other words, although you may not have found closure, proceeding through life in a direction away from the relationship that ended occurs but you still think of that person and have questions floating around in your mind about them, the past with them, or 'what ifs'.

During the first part of the estrangement / no contact / break-up, you may be angry, sad, pensive, or empty. As time goes on, you will find strength in being able to see the whole picture. When you are in a relationship, you are too closely entwined in what is happening to see the entire perspective. I like to explain 'relationship perspective' this way: when you are in a relationship, it's like your nose is pressed up against a huge painting so all you see is what is directly in front of your eyes. The dynamics of the relationship are so much more but all you can see is what your nose is pressed up against. As you take a step away from the relationship (aka: the painting on the wall), you will see more and more of the painting. The further you step away and as more time passes, the more you can see the entire picture surrounding the relationship. You will suddenly start to see things the way others from the outside see. The perspective changes: you see details you didn't see before, insignificant things become less and less important, and significant things become more pronounced.

As time passes and your perspective changes, you start to see more and more clearly what happened to you:

In one respect, this clarity could cause greater pain initially as how you were treated and what transpired in the past becomes more evident. But this is necessary in order to move on-- if you were operating under false assumptions about the relationship, these truths that become apparent will help to guide you to strength and conviction of how you are going to conduct your life. Therapy will help during this time, as well as talking to a close confidant who can provide validation, support, and a listening ear.
In another respect, the clearer perspective can immediately give you the boost you need to find closure in the relationship. Truth is power. Being truthful with yourself and your past will give you the power to move forward through life and away from your painful past.

Once I was away from my parents and was able to reflect on what happened, writing certainly helped to bring everything out into the forefront. Starting from as early as I could remember, I wrote everything down from my perspective and memory. Additionally, talking with those who were involved in my life during the abuse by my parents was validating and freeing. Lastly, I researched and read and researched and read some more. The more I wrote, talked, researched, and read, the more I understood. The more I understood, the more I accepted what happened to me. The more I accepted what happened to me, the more closure I gained. At this point, I am not looking back, and I am at peace with where I am in my life relative to the estrangements with my parents.

Don't get me wrong. I went through 5 year cycles of estrangement with my BDP mother from when I was a child up until the last estrangement in 2004. I gave her second and third and fourth chances-- so closure of the relationship didn't happen until this last estrangement which had a great deal of experiences as the foundation. And in regard to my Dad, we had a precarious relationship since his 2nd marriage 30 years ago. So with both relationships, the end wasn't a quick and immediate occurrence-- and closure didn't happen quickly.

During each estrangement with my mother, I analyzed, soul searched, and dissected how we got to that point. So with each estrangement, more and more knowledge of my mother was acquired which ultimately gave me the strength to find closure with the last and final estrangement. With my Dad, I also analyzed, soul searched, and dissected our relationship and his narcissistic behavior-- and the final straw was how he was treating my newborn baby, my husband, and me. Closure with him was easier as his behavior was increasingly intense rather than Dr. Jekyll / Mr. Hyde like my mother. My Dad was consistently self absorbed and malignantly narcissistic.

Formal steps for finding closure are as follows, however, remember that each and every one of us comes from unique sets of circumstances (abuse, family situations, personalities, etc) that these are simply a guideline:

Grieve the loss of your relationship and allow yourself to feel the pain of the estrangement / no contact / break-up. Don’t avoid the hurt by distracting yourself from the reality because you can’t heal and move on until you’ve grieved.
Refrain from contacting the estranged. No contact means just that-- no contact. No contact means no contact on the phone, text, via social networking, spying online, emailing. Contacting the person will not change how you got to where you are in the relationship. Recovering from the grief is a difficult process that takes patience. Contacting your estranged may temporarily alleviate the pain, but contact is simply postponing the inevitable.
Spend time alone to reflect on the relationship's positive and the negative aspects. Be honest with yourself and don’t solely focus on the affirmative components of the relationship because you love / miss the person.
Alter your perspective to include a positive outcome. Think about all that you’ve learned through the painful process and recognize that the agony will subside as you move on and look forward to what’s ahead in your life.

Former therapist, grief counselor and life coach Susan Elliott suggests: "Don't mistake grief for love. It's normal and natural to grieve any loss...even if the relationship was the worst in the world. Don't let your grief cause you to second guess your feelings. Part of the grief process is ‘review and relinquishment’ where it is necessary to process through the relationship. Unfortunately this review comes in the form of having the (estranged) on your mind constantly. It's a 'working through' and it doesn't mean you're not going to get over it, or that you still love the (estranged). It means your mind is doing the work it needs to do to process through it and get over it."

So as time goes on and you can intellectualize exactly the abuse you went through, how awful the treatment was from your parent(s) / family member / estranged... but you still miss having a mother to celebrate on Mother's Day or you wish for a loving and warm relationship with a parent or you may think you should consider giving the person a second chance since life is so short and you believe in forgiveness. Has closure been achieved? Not in my opinion. The missing and the wishing wouldn't be a part of your thought process if closure has been **officially** achieved. Acceptance has been achieved as you are proceeding through life with the understanding that the estrangement / no contact is in effect-- but closure hasn't occurred as thought patterns are swaying toward wanting to spend time or reconcile with the person.

In many ways, an estrangement of a parent or close family member is essentially like grieving the death of that parent / family member. In order to successfully work through the grief of a parent’s death, individuals need to be open to dealing with their emotions completely, to express them honestly, and discuss them with someone who can provide support. Only through this process will a person be able to resolve his or her grief which also applies to parental estrangement.

Closure happens when you can finally put the past to rest and not look back. Closure happens when you are content with the here-and-now. Closure happens when you can be at peace with what happened and move on directly into the future confidently. May you find the closure you are seeking.

Is Spanking or Whipping Child Abuse?

2011-11-08T16:09:00.000-08:00

With the recent flurry of media attention from the video gone viral by the daughter (Hillary Adams) of a Texas court judge (Judge William Adams), a lot of discussion has been taking place about whether the judge went above and beyond simple discipline of his child. For those of you who haven't seen the video, you can watch it here: Texas Judge Whips Daughter

When I watched this video, I was out of breath with sweating palms and shaking hands. My heart was racing. I cannot believe that these parents treated their precious child with so much anger and venom. With all of the vulgarities and insults, this was not only an example of physical abuse but verbal abuse.

The parents' approach was not in a loving manner but in a controlling, angry, and out of control manner. The abuse seemed to never end. The father kept coming back for more-- and then the mother came into the room saying that the girl should take it like a woman. What a poor statement on the mother's behalf. And then the mother took the belt and whipped the girl one time- otherwise known as 'kicking the dog while its down'.

Anyway, this is FAR from a spanking. The judge was beating her on the front, back, sides, where-ever. And he kept coming back for more, yelling profanities the entire time:

"I'll spank your f___ing face" "
Get on your f___ing stomach" "
Get on your G_d d__n stomach"
"I'll beat you into submission"
"You don't deserve to be in this f___ing house"
"I should just keep beating you and beating you, that's how upset I am"
"If you raise your f___ing voice one little bit to me or your mother ... or look at me f__ing wrong I will wear your f___ing a__ out with this belt."
"You caused this with your dis-f__ing-obidence"

My word! This is verbal abuse and so disheartening. Why are these parents (more so her father) talking so vulgarly to their daughter? Would they want her talking to them that way? What type of leadership are they illustrating to her?

In regard to discipline, I have several points:

The child should be spoken to in a calm and collect manner.
The child should be told what he / she did incorrectly and what he / she should have done instead.
The child should be allowed to express why he / she did what he / she did.
The discipline that follows should be progressive. For the first incidence, the repercussion is _____ (time out, restriction, removal of item). For the second incidence, the repercussion should be more harsh (longer time out, longer restriction, longer period of removal of item). The third incidence (three strikes you're out) should be long term or permanent loss of privilege.
The discipline should be administered in a controlled and loving manner. If a parent is angry, the parent should walk away, take a breather, and then continue to address the incident.
The discipline should never be the parent taking their frustrations out on their child.
The child should know that he / she is loved and thus in a safe and secure environment-- not with a parent that is out-of-control. If the parent is out-of-control, trust is lost between parent and child; therefore, discipline is less effective.
The parent should lead by example. If the parent has a tantrum (like this judge in the video), what is the child learning?

In this video, the girl apparently: (1) didn't use the computer strictly for school as instructed and (2) downloaded items that should have been downloaded from a pay-site. If the judge wanted to use a controlled spanking after he spoke with her about the two infractions, she should have known ahead of time that the repercussion is ________ number of spankings for each infraction. The discipline would have been calmly executed. After the spankings, the father should have lovingly spoken to her about what to correctly do next time-- reiterating that the computer is just used for school and no downloading of any kind. If this was the 2nd or 3rd infraction, progressive discipline should be administered.

I feel the more effective discipline, however, is restriction from use of computer as well as going online to pay for the downloads legally. Since she is 16 y/o and able to reason and discuss what is acceptable behavior as well as what is legal use of the Internet, talking to her in depth about these issues is valuable not only short-term but long-term. What did she learn about legally downloading items online by getting whipped and hearing profanities screamed at her? Additionally, having her research digital piracy, penalties for digital piracy, and other legal aspects of online usage related to her infraction would be greatly beneficial.

Another point is that the discipline should have a clear beginning and a clear ending. This judge did not have a clear ending with the whipping discipline. Therefore, in the case of a spanking, the beginning should take place after the initial talk about what she did incorrectly. The spanking then should take place with a countdown. Once the spanking is finished, a discussion of what needs to be improved should follow. This would conclude the discipline session. In the case of time outs or restrictions, again, there is a talk prior to the discipline. Thereafter, the time out or restriction follows. Once the time out or restriction ends, a follow-up discussion takes place regarding future expectations.

The definition of physical abuse is abuse involving contact intended to cause feelings of intimidation, injury, or other physical suffering or bodily harm.. This judge is illustrating abusive behavior due as he is clearly intimidating her by cowering over her, whipping her front / back / sides, picking her up off of the floor by the arm and pulling her back onto the bed, getting into her face, and more. He also intended to cause injury as he was using a belt (the biggest one he could find as he stated at the beginning), whipped her all over her front even when she wouldn't turn around for her bottom to be spanked, and kept beating her even after her cries for him to stop. He also caused physical suffering by continually coming back into the room for more as well as continuing to beat her when she refused to flip over onto her stomach.

He does not appear to want to improve her behavior but take out his rage on her, verbally and physically. Whipping her up and down the front of her body-- as well as chasing her around her bed-- is not teaching her anything about what she did wrong or how to correct it. What his behavior is simply doing is teaching her not to respect him. And with parenting, respect is of utmost importance.

The mother is culpable as well. She did nothing to stop the father from taking out his temper tantrum on the daughter. She actually aided and abetted, adding in commentary to further wound the child mentally. The father shows that he is a control freak, and the mother further solidifies this stance by demanding the girl to be a submissive woman. My heart cried out to see a mother take this position-- and to compound the incident worse by taking the belt and whipping her daughter one time. That whipping was almost like kicking the dog one more time 'just because'... kicking the dog when it's down. Very sad state of affairs. I feel for this adult child of this abusive man (and mother-- who didn't have the courage, care, or insight to stop her raging husband).

Bottom-line, we should love our children, lead by example, and solve issues with careful and controlled discipline. We are bestowed the greatest responsibility in the world, and we should take that responsibility and treat it with respect. We are the parents, and we should lead the way to a happy, secure, loving world. Flying of the handle uncontrollably and treating your child with such venom is not a way that child learn effectively. In fact, that type of treatment wounds the child, damages their sense of self, and hurts the child to the core.

So is spanking or whipping a form of child abuse? If the spanking is used in a manner that is loving and respectful, then for SOME children, this MAY be an acceptable and productive way to discipline. Spanking is legal. But is spanking the right thing to do? There is a FINE LINE between spanking and physically abusing. Remember: physical abuse is abuse involving contact intended to cause feelings of intimidation, injury, or other physical suffering or bodily harm. Spanking in any case would be intimidating to a child, cause injury by bruising, and cause physical suffering by the mere act itself.

I have worked with children in all sorts of capacities, and I have always had to use discipline procedures that involve time outs and restrictions. I have never been able to use spankings- nor would I. I cannot imagine spanking, physically striking, or whipping a child.... period. And with all of the decades of dealing with children, I have been successful with children of all types using time outs and restrictions. The main key is consistency and progressive. I have had no problem getting compliance from large groups of kids by communicating expectations, having consistent repercussions for misbehavior, and follow-up with areas to improve.

We tell our kids to keep their hands to themselves, not to hit, and to be nice. Shouldn't parents do the same? And if the school systems, day-cares, and other child care organizations don't spank, why is spanking alright for the parent to do? I say, let's treat our children with love-- as much love as possible. And let's give them the attention they need-- namely positive attention that let's them know we see what they're doing and care. And I believe you will get the best out of each and every one of them. As far as this judge, I pray he doesn't get re-elected. He presides over child abuse / custody cases and doesn't illustrate clear judgment about these topics as illustrated by this damaging video.

Autoimmune Disease and Borderline Personality Link

2011-10-06T20:05:00.000-07:00

After the post about Overreactions to Illness and Hysteria with Borderline Personality, I have received many emails and comments about how their Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) mothers have auto-immune diseases. Specifically, one reader wrote, "I find it interesting that your mother was diagnosed with an autoimmune disorder, as my mother is also (she is diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis and psoriasis). Although I know there is nothing that can be done to prevent an autoimmune disorder, I can't help but wonder why so many BPD individuals are diagnosed with them. A friend's BPD sister was recently diagnosed with an autoimmune disorder as well. Now, this could be pure coincidence, but I was wondering if you had any thoughts on this topic or knew of any related research."

After this email, I thought researching this correlation further (BPD correlating with autoimmune diseases) would be interesting and revealing. And it sure was!

Individuals who have BPD or any of the other Axis II Cluster B's (BPD, NPD, ASPD, HPD) often suffer from autoimmune illness due to the stress and elevated cortisol levels which induce a cascade of autoimmune issues.
Autoimmune-related inflammation may exacerbate BPD symptoms or vice versa.
Present data demonstrate a clinically significant, longitudinal correlation between fluctuating antithyroid antibody titers and symptoms of BPD psychopathology.

Further, keep in mind that BPD is also associated with less healthy lifestyle choices (e.g., smoking, alcohol use, lack of regular exercise) which can cause a myriad of health challenges, problems, and diseases. With this article, however, we are focused on the connection between BPD and autoimmune disease specifically.

First off, BPD can have a major impact on physical health. BPD individuals often endure chronic medical conditions and pain disorders such as fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue syndrome, obesity, diabetes, hypertension, arthritis, and back pain (Psyche Solve). Additionally, individuals who have BPD or any of the other Axis II Cluster B's (BPD, NPD, ASPD, HPD) often suffer from autoimmune illness due to the stress and elevated cortisol levels which induce a cascade of autoimmune issues. In normal circumstances, cortisol keeps the immune system in homeostasis, preventing inflammation from going out of control. In many patients with autoimmune diseases, this cortisol response and the cascade of brain hormones that stimulates its release are impaired, so there is no shutoff valve to end inflammation when it is no longer needed. In other patients, the cortisol response may be intact but immune cells are resistant to the anti-inflammatory effects of cortisol due to abnormalities in the cortisol receptor. In both circumstances, inflammation goes on unchecked without the dampening effect of the body own cortisol (American Autoimmune).

Next, in the book, "Sometimes I Act Crazy: Living with Borderline Personality Disorder" by Jerold J. Kreisman M.D. and Hal Stras, the authors draw a connection between autoimmune disorders and BPD. The following is an excerpt: Some researchers have investigated the connection of BPD to autoimmune disorders, in which the body has a kind of allergic reaction to itself and produces antibodies to its own organs. One example, rheumatoid arthritis, is associated with an unusually high prevalence of BPD. One study followed a woman with fluctuating BPD symptoms over a period of nine months while measuring her antithyroid antibodies. These investigators discovered significantly lower levels of the antibodies during periods when her depression and psychosis ratings were low, and higher levels when her symptoms increased. This finding suggests that autoimmune-related inflammation may exacerbate BPD symptoms or vice versa.

The following abstract is focused on the same issue, that BPD and autoimmune disease are correlated. And the conclusion is that a relationship between thyroid hormones / autoimmunity and BPD exists. Before reading, understand that antithyroid antibodies are antibodies directed against the thyroid gland (a gland which produces thyroid hormones). Antithyroid antibodies can be associated with inflammation of the thyroid gland and affect its function. Testing for antithyroid antibodies in the blood is useful in the diagnosis of some thyroid and other disorders including: Hashimoto thyroiditis (an autoimmune thyroid disease), Graves disease (overactivity of the thyroid), hypothyroidism (underactivity of the thyroid), thyroid cancer, Lupus, rheumatoid arthritis, autoimmune hemolytic anemia and Sjogren syndrome. Now to that abstract... deep breath and read on:

Circulating thyroid autoantibodies are more prevalent in patients with mood disorders than in the general population, but longitudinal clinical data that establish a relationship between thyroid antibody status and the course of any psychiatric syndrome have been lacking. In addition, scant attention has been paid to thyroid hormones and autoimmunity in borderline personality disorder (BPD). We report a case of a patient with classic BPD whose fluctuating mood and, especially, psychotic symptoms-rated using a double-blind method-were directly linked to antithyroglobulin antibody titers serially determined over an inpatient period of 275 d. Significantly lower psychosis and depression ratings were seen during a 4-wk period of relatively low antithyroid antibody titers, during blinded treatment with carbamazepine, than were observed during two high autoantibody epochs. The significant positive correlations between nurse- and patient-rated depression and thyroid autoantibodies over the entire period of inpatient study were similar to those also observed between urinary free cortisol levels and depression; the positive correlation between antithyroglubulin antibody titers and psychotic symptoms was stronger (r = +0.544; p < 0.002). Although this patient had biochemical indices of primary hypothyroidism, she showed only marginal improvement to triiodothyronine (T3) and no apparent clinical response to sustained levorotatory thyroxine (T4) administration; neither were antithyroid antibody titers significantly associated with changes in T3, free T4, or thyroid-stimulating hormone concentrations. She clinically deteriorated during a 50-d fluoxetine trial. The present data demonstrate a clinically significant, longitudinal correlation between fluctuating antithyroid antibody titers and symptoms of borderline psychopathology in our patient. It will be of interest to determine the prevalence, pathophysiologic mechanisms, and treatment implications of this putative autoimmune- BPD link.

Another interesting observation is that medical conditions which cause organic behavioral function may result in a clinical picture that mimics to some degree BPD. Hormonal dysfunction over a long period, or brain dysfunction (e.g. the encephalopathy caused by lyme disease) can result in identity disturbance and mood lability, as can many other chronic medical conditions such as Lupus. These conditions may isolate the patient socially and emotionally, and/or cause limbic damage to the brain. However, this is not BPD which results, but rather a reaction to the isolating circumstances caused by a medical condition and the possibly coincident struggles of the patient to control his or her mood given damage to the brain's limbic system (Wikipedia).

So, with the reports coming from Kreisman and Stras as well as scientific exploration into the correlation between autoimmune diseases and BPD, we may be closer to finding out if indeed a direct link exists. At this point, the assumption seems pretty strong that a link does exist-- and solid research has already been conducted and concluded in regard to bipolar and autoimmune diseases. With BPD gaining more attention, more studies will be conducted. I will be very interested to see the results. A link exists as high levels of stress have been proven to trigger autoimmune diseases; however, does the reverse apply? Does an autoimmune disease bring about BPD?

How to Forgive an Abusive Parent

2011-10-04T17:18:00.000-07:00

How do you forgive your abusive parent / parents? Well first off, what exactly is forgiveness? I have always pondered the definition as well as if I have actually forgiven my parents. "To forgive" seems like it's as difficult to define as "to love."

I am not angry with my parents. I don't want any ill-will or negativity between them and me. I don't want revenge or wish them any harm. In fact, I simply want peace for me and my family. I am not a fighter, and I stray away from conflict. I dislike tit-for-tat and will not engage in that type of behavior.

All along, I have never blamed my parents for anything that I am responsible for-- which includes my life and who I am. I am the master of my own destiny, and although my upbringing was tough, I believe my experiences made me who I am today. I learned as a young girl that I am the only one who is responsible for me. I learned that I am the only one with whom I can depend. I learned very young that I have to be strong and take care of myself. Thus, I grew into a strong and independent person.

Although my parents engaged in all types of manipulative, guilt-trip, emotionally abusive, and confusing behaviors with my brother and me, I always knew that they were in the wrong-- that we were just children and not responsible for our parents' reckless and careless actions. After being caught in the middle of my parents destructive divorce (my childhood), they each remarried into ready-made families before my brother and I were able to adjust from the split of our own family unit. Parental Alienation continued, battles in court ensued, and the emotional fall-out continued. Throughout my childhood and teen years, I accepted how my parents were, clearly cognizant that neither was **right** And into my adulthood, my parents were flippant with their relationships with my brother and me. So my brother and I went in and out of estrangements with our parents.

I always searched for my part in the relationship's challenges-- as every relationship takes two. I would analyze and dig deeply to assess my accountability in the estrangements. And time and time again, I was never angry or resentful or even bitter-- always sad that broken relationships surrounded my family. I also wished that our family could be a happy family that shared in successes and supported during failures. But most importantly, I always accepted that these were the cards that I was dealt, and I would manage them to the best of my abilities. When I was a single woman, I could handle the dysfunction and toxicity to a degree and then I would have to back away. But with the entry of a husband and then a daughter, the tolerance for the disruptive, harmful, hurtful, and terribly confusing behavior had to stop. No more cycles in and out ... no more endless nights analyzing why this and that happened... no more walking on egg-shells.

So, have I forgiven?

From a dictionary stand point, forgiveness is:

letting go of the need for revenge and releasing negative thoughts of bitterness and resentments
excusing for a fault or offense-- to pardon.
renouncing anger against.

I never felt the need for revenge nor have I been angry. I have felt hurt and astonished by they behaviors. I never felt the need to disparage my mother the way she's done to me since my childhood. I have not been bitter or held resentments to my mother or Dad. I also realize that they are who they are-- that they act the way they do, not because of me, but because of who they are. They treat others the way they treat me-- so I do pardon them for how they act. I don't like how I was treated nor accepted being treated poorly but I understand that they are both personality disordered. I definately will not accept my husband or child being treated poorly like how I was treated; therefore, I protect both from the 'known dangers.'

From a psychological perspective, forgiveness involves the affective, behavioral and cognitive systems of the forgiver, how one feels about the offender, behaves toward her and thinks about her. Forgiveness is letting go of the negative feelings and the emotional consequences of the hurt, namely the bitterness and resentment. The negative behavior toward the perpetrator is replaced with positive behavior. The choice is not to retaliate but to respond in a loving way and giving up the right to hurt back. The negative thoughts regarding the offender are changed as the intellectual decision to forgive is made and the good and bad aspects of the perpetrator are integrated. The Forgiveness Web

How do I feel about my mother and Dad? Again, I am not bitter or resentful. I am not hurt by them at this point. By removing myself from the Dr. Jekyll / Mr. Hyde cycles of my mother as well as the narcissistic behaviors of my Dad, I have removed myself and my husband from repeatedly getting hurt, insulted, manipulated, and involved in the dysfunction & toxicity. I have never felt the need to hurt back which is evidenced by my walking away rather than fighting time-and-time again.

I love this definition of forgiveness: to forgive is to give up all hope for a better past:

If you are locked in regret over the past, you have less available to your life now.
If you don't forgive, you are prejudging your future because you are on-guard, defended and, helpless from residual bitterness which influences your capacity for happiness because you haven't resolved something from your past.

I love that definition and it's counterparts. I have always had a rich and abundant life-- from as far back as I can remember, I have had a positive and cheery outlook on life and what is ahead. I have not had regrets, especially with my parents. I tried to manage, understand, tolerate, and move forward. And I have not been on-guard, defended, or helpless because of my past-- in fact, my experiences have been the opposite as I became empowered due to what I experienced in the past. I knew I had to be able to be self sufficient, and I shot out into the world at 18-years old and never looked back. I went to college, excelled in academics, went out into the corporate world, and succeeded as a single woman, living independently. I didn't look back until I was almost 30 years old, which is when I started to think about what brought me to where I was at that point.

I believe that forgiveness is a fresh start and clears a new view. The view is that an 'awful thing' happened and hurt; however, that incident(s) will not take over life. I have the ability to love my mother when she was around (not bringing up previous estrangements or conflicts with her) but then handle the estrangement knowing that she went into another Mr. Hyde cycle. Don't get me wrong-- going into another estrangement wasn't a **happy** occurrence. Going into an estrangement was the feeling of sadness and loss again-- but also the feeling of a huge weight off my shoulders as the walking on eggshells can be very stifling. As far as my Dad, I tried to comprehend and understand his selfishness and the behaviors surrounding it; however, the weight that was lifted when I didn't have to endure being invisible or his condescending comments was freeing. The choice of a fresh start with clear new view is always available rather than bitterness and revenge. People who have forgiven have visible power, strength, and courage. Rather than eye-for-an-eye, they heal.

Part of forgiveness is not blaming for suffering. The 'awful thing' happened and the response is to move forward. Move forward with openness and trust without blaming for suffering. Give very little power to people who are cruel. Forgiving means power is taken back and declaring your own life.

Sure I wish things were better-- and sure I wish that I had happy, peaceful, and mutually beneficial relationships with my parents; however, I don't have the ability to have a happy, peaceful, or mutually beneficial relationship with them. The specific BPD woman marries a specific BPD man: hermit with a huntsman (protector), queen seeks a king (attracts attention and is a narcissist), witch seeks a fisherman (is dominated and controlled), and the waif marries a frog-prince (rescuer). The common denominator in the various types of men who marry BPD's is their tendency to reinforce the pathological dynamics between the mother and child (Lawson pp 178 -179). Therefore, understanding my Dad's relationship with my BPD mother (and even my step-father's relationship with my BPD mother) was essential to understanding my own experience-- and also essential in my understanding why I can't have a mutually beneficial relationship with them.

There's clear evidence that if people apologize, it's easier to forgive. Forgiveness, though, is not limited by that-- and I have gotten apologies from my mother at various times during my life; however, she overwhelmingly points the finger at my brother and me. She either doesn't comprehend or realize the repercussions from her actions-- or she has rationalized and justified her actions-- or she has convinced herself by telling the same lie over and over. Even if the person utters no conciliatory words and suffers no consequence, forgiveness can still occur because forgiveness is always for you.

I don't need my mother or Dad to apologize-- I would like them to recognize and acknowledge their actions but apologizing for them would actually seem insincere since their narcissism is so encompassing that the apology would most likely be self-serving. You forgive by remembering what happened and you commit yourself to it never happening again-- thus the reason why I have walked away after 4 decades of trying to have relationships with them.

Forgiveness does not mean condoning the action or that you have to reconcile with or like the person who did it. Declaring, "This was such a heinous act, I sever my relationship with them" which doesn't mean seeking justice. Forgiveness means that you don't take what happened as just personal, that you see it as a part of the bigger, ongoing human experience of hurt, resolution, conflict and negotiation. I realize that I happened to be born to this mother, a mother whom I don't like her actions or like her. I don't seek justice but I don't condone her behaviors. I also was born to a man who left when I was months old. I forgive him for letting me be adopted by another man, but I am not reconciled with him. And the man who adopted me is highly narcissistic with behaviors that are very self-serving; however, I don't condone the behaviors and don't want to subject myself or husband or child to his hurtful and bewildering actions.

Parents are the people we look to nurture us and keep us safe. When a parent abuses a child, the impact is life-long. Adult victims of abuse may have trouble trusting or suffer post-traumatic stress. For some, forgiving abusive parents may be a needed step to recovery. Be patient as forgiveness may take time until you are ready to forgive abusive parents. Take the time you need to work through your issues and don't revisit old arguments as going over the same issues may not help the situation.

Forgiveness the key to living "better, not bitter." While you are weak or while you are still suffering from the effect of the 'awful thing' done to you, forgiveness is challenging. Even if forgiveness is possible, it's still challenging. Take the time to heal wounds, eliminate of the negative consequences, and become more powerful-- then forgiveness will become much easier.

Overreactions to Illness and Hysteria with Borderline Personality

2011-09-29T19:10:00.000-07:00

Borderline Personality Disordered (BPD) individuals may display dramatic or hysterical behavior as well as overreact to illness and accidents. These behaviors leave family members "sucked in and emotionally depleted" (Lawson, p 15). Although all BPD's are prone to hysterical reactions when stressed, the Hermit BPD feels particularly threatened by illness. She is intolerant of discomfort, inconvenience, and pain. She may moan and groan, scream and cry primarily out of fear, not pain. When frightened, she becomes hostile. Her exaggerated responses confuse those who care for her. Family members may be unable to distinguish minor injuries from major emergencies (Lawson, p 93). Additionally, the BPD Waif may suffer from chronic or recurrent illnesses with frequent medical visits (Lawson, p 64).

Each of these statements above depicts very clearly my BPD mother and her ever expanding list of illnesses and ailments and her dramatic and hysterical reactions to them. To be fair, she has been diagnosed with an auto-immune disease in 1995. However, besides my mother, I know many people with her type of autoimmune disease, and my mother is the only one who is as crippled mentally and physically as she. She has claimed to be effected by a host of diseases, conditions, and illnesses in addition to the autoimmune disease; however, most of them have never come to fruition. She scours the Internet and the PDR (Physician's Desk Reference) in order to self-diagnose herself. Then she dreams up these horrible possibilities which she then communicates to family and friends. As Lawson mentioned, family members have a challenging time distinguishing between fabricated, minor, and major health claims.

Recently the reports have gotten more and more dramatic per emails that my brother has forwarded to me from my mother. Just this year, she has claimed to be losing her kidneys and may need a kidney transplant (even went so far as to ask my brother if he would donate one of his), claimed to have polymyositis (widespread inflammation, loss of, and weakness of the muscles which she stated would ultimately effect her heart and be terminal), and claimed to have heart disease. Each of these claims did not get diagnosed after tests by her doctors. She has always been the victim-- whether she's the victim of something one of her friends did to her or something that one of her family did to her (ie: me, her sister, my brother, her father) or with these medical issues.

In regard to her health, she always had a weak fortitude since as far back as I can remember. She has always been tired and rarely physically active. She smoked a lot, never exercised, and was always sedentary. But above all-- she was always fatigued. Additionally, she has displayed the inability to handle discomfort, inconvenience, or pain. She would tell me stories of the dentist, gynecologist, and other medical visits from her childhood to present that were uncomfortable, inconvenient, or painful. And now, through experiences of my own with the same procedures, I have not felt the same. In fact, each of the experiences has been built up with anxiety due to what she had said, and then to my surprise, the experience was pleasant and comfortable.

In regard to her health, she had strange ailments pop up through the years such as 2nd degree burns at the beach in 1976 and toe nails falling off in the 1980's. Then starting at the end of the 1980's, she started to gain weight and hurt when moving. By the early 1990's she was diagnosed with fibromyalgia. By 1995, she had surgery (hysterectomy).

While she was in the hospital, she had fits of extreme hysteria. Her behavior was completely erratic, wild, and, well, crazy. She would say one thing, scream another, cry & plead, and was out of control. "Borderlines are prone to hysterical reactions. She is intolerant of discomfort, inconvenience, and pain. She may moan and groan, scream and cry primarily out of fear, not pain. When frightened, she becomes hostile. Her exaggerated responses confuse those who care for her" p 93 Lawson. I definitely didn't know what to do. I was confused and looked to my step-father for guidance. He seemed as bewildered as I was.

When she first came out of surgery, she asked for and looked to her friend for comfort. She rejected my affection, including holding my hand, having me caress her, and merely sitting next to her. I was ignored and eye-contact was avoided. I was puzzled as to what I had done to deserve this treatment. And then when it came to the evening, although I was supposed to stay the night in the room, she asked her friend to stay. I gathered my things and began to leave with my step-father. That's when the hysteria peaked.

She went completely hysterical with yelling, screaming, and crying. I truly didn't know what to do as she was irrational and seemingly psychotic. My step-father had her friend and myself step out of the room so he could talk with her. We could hear her screaming, bawling, and freaking-out at him. Her behavior was bizarre. When he emerged from the room, he advised me to leave with him and for my mother's friend to stay. I was still completely baffled as to why she was pushing me away but upset that I was leaving. My step-father was equally confused as we spoke about it on our way out to our cars. "Overreaction to pain or illness is a consequence of the inability to sooth or comfort herself. When she feels vulnerable, she is incapable of containing anxiety" p 93 Lawson.

I had observed this type of behavior when I was a child. When she had sun-burn at the beach, I found her crawling on the floor, hysterical and yelling at my father (1976). When she went to the hospital when I was in high-school (1983), she was irrational and confusing: requesting one thing then scolding you for doing that, insisting she meant something else. The worst was the incident in 1995 mentioned above, but her behavior in 1999 was equally as scarring to me (mentioned below). Her hysteria was not limited to illnesses / ailments. A few examples are when she went hysterical when my Dad went on business trips (throughout the 1970's), went ballistic in the house (tearing it apart with my Dad ultimately restraining her on the living room floor- mid-70's), and threw herself down (hysterically crying) on the door-step of a family's home that I was babysitting (my Dad was awarded custody at the time- early 80's).

Now back to the mid-90's: I was very frustrated with my mother during the years of finding a diagnosis, as well as after the autoimmune disease diagnosis (1995). She wasn't doing anything to help her cause. Equally dysfunctional is the BPD completely neglecting her health as my mother did during these years (Lawson, p 64). My mother remained sedentary. She ate terribly. Although she had claimed to have stopped smoking, she was sneaking cigarettes whenever she could. She was very negative and not finding the positive in life. I would try to motivate her to exercise-- walk, stretch, get out-- but my ideas were always greeted with excuses. During this time, she would actually avoid going to the doctor and dentist. She was skipping follow-up treatments and taking herself off of her medications. She completely neglected her health.

She wielded the guilt-trip weapon during this time too. I was offered a position at a company across the country from where we both resided. She was dramatic, firm, and clear when she stated, "You wouldn't think of moving away when your mother is this sick... would you?" I ended up not taking the job. Ironically, we ended up estranged shortly after that due to a package I recieved in the mail from my Dad that she went bonkers over: Here We Go Again

By May of 1999, my brother and I decided to break the silence between our mother and us. We called her on Mother's Day. She carried on as if nothing ever happened. In July 1999, she ended up in the hospital for a pulmonary embolism. The condition was truly serious, and she wanted to see my brother. So I flew him down, got him from the airport, and had him stay with me. My mother wanted him to spend the night in the hospital with her, but he didn't feel comfortable with that. I don't blame him (it had been 9 years since they had seen each other and only a few months into the reconciliation).

My mother, again, exhibited inappropriate and aggressive behavior while she was in the hospital. Keep in mind that this was the first time that my brother, mother, and me were all together in the same room in almost FIFTEEN years. My mother was acting like Mr. Hyde. I don't know what got into her, but there she was in the hospital bed, being very boisterous, pushy, and rotten. She became angered with my brother for not staying at her bedside day and night. She ranted that she didn't leave her mother's side when she was in the hospital- so she expected the same treatment. She was so angered with my brother that they ended up estranged again shortly after she was out of the hospital. Additionally, a topic that was never brought up in the past that she brought up out-of-the-blue was that I have a different father than my brother. She kept emphasizing that my brother "is ONLY" my half brother. Her behavior was not only dramatic but also inappropriate and out-of-place and with purpose. But what was that purpose? More about this period of time: In Through the Out Door

In regard to overreacting to illnesses: since her diagnosis of an autoimmune disease in 1995, my mother has claimed to have Rheumatoid Arthritis (inflammation of joints / tissues), Cushing's Disease (pituitary gland releases too much adrenocorticotropic hormone), Hashimoto's Disease (thyroid gland inflammation), Raynaud's Syndrome (vasospastic disorder causing discoloration of the fingers / toes), Sjogren's Syndrome (immune cells attack and destroy the exocrine glands that produce tears / saliva), chronic heart failure, polymyositis (weakness and/or loss of muscle mass in the proximal musculature, particularly in the shoulder and pelvic girdle), bladder dysfunction (went through an extensive battery of tests), kidney failure, heart failure, and more. Again, I have to stress that she DOES have an autoimmune disease; however, these other claims are above and beyond the autoimmune disease diagnosis and haven't been diagnosed by her doctors although she claims to be suffering from each.

"Sucked-in and emotionally depleted" is how Lawson described the family of a BPD who overreacts and is dramatic with illness and accidents. Indeed, caring for a BPD mother who is ill yet lashes out and is purposefully hurtful and rejecting is challenging: on one hand, you feel sympathy and empathy, and then on the other hand, you feel the need to protect yourself from the abuse. The irrational behavior is incomprehensible, and the bizarre and hysterical behavior is frightening. All the way around, being a child of a BPD mother who exhibits these behaviors is terribly confusing, perplexing, and disorienting.

A Borderline Mother's Perspective- the other side of the equation

2011-09-21T20:20:00.000-07:00

The perspective of my blog has always been from my point-of-view: my experience with my personality disordered parents, namely my Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) mother. I have written at length what I feel like or how I have perceived the actions of my mother compared to academic studies and more.

After contemplating the subject for my next entry as well as being truly touched by a comment that a BPD / new mother of a 15 month old baby left me, I started pondering the other side of the BPD equation: the BPD mother's perspective along with the struggles and successes of daily life.

Two sides to every story exist, so why not explore the other side of BPD. I emailed a contact that I have through Facebook who runs a page called Understanding Borderline Personality Disorder I asked her if she would like to provide a piece on what BPD feels like. Here is what this mother of 3 wrote about a typical meal at a restaurant with her kids:

my most vivid description of what it feels like in a day of BPD

panic is always there. frustration as well. I expect too much from people, I think.

my girls are good kids. really great kids. I am lucky, and yet I still find their flaws and get upset.

I don't want them to act like that in public. their voices are too loud. they are too excited. they are too.....what? happy? why am I getting upset that they are overjoyed to be having dinner at IHop with me?

I dont know but it doesn't change the fact that I am now frustrated and panicky.

breathe, I think. Holly, just breathe. remember your girls are amazing little beings that are so much more well behaved than most. breathe. oh fudge, she's laughing too loud again. darn it. chew with your mouth closed! I think, fudge! how hard is that?

I have to get out of here. I have to get them out of here and back home where no one can see their misbehavior. where no one can judge me. where no one can look at me.

I know what they are thinking. she's too young to have 3 kids. I bet they arent even with one guy. they probably all have different dads. whore. worthless whore. can't she control them? pathetic. what a horrible mother. why do they let people like her have kids? sick. get me out of here I am screaming in my head.

trying to keep that fake smile on my face. trying to at least let the girls have a good time. hurry please, I say to my youngest. hurry. you need to eat. we are waiting on you. oh my gosh, we are leaving now so better finish your FOOD!

oh fudge, Holly, calm down. you're being ridiculous. please calm down. fudge, here come the tears. I didn't mean to raise my voice. I didn't mean to. I AM a horrible mother. oh shoot, I can't do this. this was a stupid idea. what have I done? we have to leave. please hurry. please eat faster. fudge, I'm going to have a panic attack. fudge fudge fudge. shoot, I'm not smiling.

just get everyone to the car, Holly. you'll be safe there. no one can see you there. it's too dark out. go go go - now go! please!

darn it, I ruined it again. why am I like this? fudge, Holly, get out of your head and pay attention to the freaking road. darn it. just calm down. breathe breathe breathe. turn the music up, then you won't be able to hear them and when you can't answer their questions, they can't get upset, right?

shhhh. it's fine Holly. you're fine. it's ok. right? you're fine. just listen to the music. oh thank goodness, Led Zeppelin. yes, listen to that. I think I might be sinking. throw me a line if I read you the time....yes, just sing along Holly. ok. ok. I can do this. I can do this. ok. it's going to be ok. it will be. it has to be. please let it be. fudge.

Here is a bit about the struggles with marriage & BPD:

I have recently had a set back though. where as I have been able to pull myself from the situation and evaluate my emotions and thoughts and decipher which ones are only my BPD and which ones are true and valid ones, recently it has been getting rougher to do. I am beginning to question myself again. wondering if I am truly "seeing" the full picture. or am I only convincing myself that the BPD thoughts and feel ARE the valid ones?

the blurred lines have been running through my head for the last couple weeks and with them comes doubts on many other decisions that I have made. questions such as "am i feeling this way mainly because of the holidays?" (which are always a time of general upset for me) and "why am I suddenly doubting when I was so proud and sure before?" "is it time for therapy again?" "what about medication?"

to be completely honest, these worries come from upsets currently going on in my marriage. I refuse to go into detail about any of this, but my husband and I are at a point where it seems like neither one of us are satisfied with the "solutions" that the other has come up with. I feel that I am reverting back to the norm of being the one who is wrong in the relationship. I have almost always been the one at fault. this is 100% honesty. most of our marital problems have come from the way I process life, due to BPD and other factors. I have been very lucky to have a husband who is very accepting, very calm, and helps when he can.

so what is the problem? it boils down to this. I believe that in the current situation we are both somewhat at fault, and I feel that he is not willing to negotiate. I feel that he says he will (possibly to shut me up for the time being, but that could very possibly be a BPD thought), but never actually follows through with the negotiations. so now I am doubting even those feelings. am I being my over-dramatic self when I feel this way? or am I validated? I can't give an honest answer.

The final writing explores the ability to function on a daily basis:

it shakes my whole being to think that something I was so sure of can be so suddenly put into question. by my own head. so who needs the therapy? me? us as a couple? him? all of the above? none of the above? and if we do need therapy how can I convince him that it is not a shot at his masculinity to seek therapy? (I believe a lot of men are brought up to feel that problems should be kept within the family) ugh. maybe I have not come as far as i made myself believe I had.

ready go. ready go. motivate motivate motivate! come on Holly, the house needs cleaned. you need to finish washing all the bedding at least. yeah what a brilliant idea that was to do. grr. do "normal" people feel this fatigued? ever? I just want to sleep. all day, all night. nope, can't do that. 3 little girls depend on you.

did I cook dinner yet? fudge. what time is it? I know they just ate some strawberries....yeah, nice try Holly. that doesn't count as dinner. fudge. ok, you can do this. it's just dinner and laundry, right? why does it have to be this hard?

when is my husband coming back? what day is it? ok, he will be here tomorrow. wait, he will be here TOMORROW! fudge, I have to clean this house up. I swear I just did this, like, yesterday. or was it the day before? or longer? darn it.

wow, I suck at life. when do people get to start enjoying this crap? or do normal people enjoy it already? fudge. oh well. frozen pizzas, I guess. it is Friday, right? no big deal....I'm a freaking failure. who am I kidding? they all see it. I know it. fudge.

The Silent Treatment by Borderline Mothers

2011-09-08T18:26:00.000-07:00

The silent treatment is a passive-aggressive form of emotional abuse in which contempt, disapproval and displeasure are displayed through nonverbal gestures while maintaining verbal silence. Additionally, the silent treatment is the cold shoulder, complete silence, distance, feigned apathy, and being ignoring. The goal of the punishment is to make the victim feel unimportant, not valued, and not cared about. As a form of non-physical punishment and control, the abuser believes if she doesn't physically harm then she is not an abuser; however, the silent treatment IS emotional abuse. The silent treatment is a form of erasing someone from the abuser's existence without the benefit of closure or a good bye or a chance at reconciliation.

The Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) mother may rage when angry, but many times she may use silent treatments. The BPD mother uses the silent treatment to torture the child(ren) that she professes to love. The silent treatment is a very narcissistic example of the lack of emotional regulation of the BPD. The silent treatment is control, and a safe means for them to avoid any 'uncomfortable' topics, issues in the relationship, or issues within herself; therefore, the silence is an abdication of personal responsibility.

Kimberly Roth, the author of Surviving a Borderline Parent, encountered many children of borderline parents who said they felt crazy growing up. "They experienced a lot of inconsistencies—an action or statement that earned praise one day would touch off a three-day, stony silent treatment the next—as well as sudden outbursts and overreactions." So they never learn to trust their own judgment or feelings. The most important element to recovery, she says, is to accept that you're not crazy and that "it wasn't me."

Throughout my life, my BPD mother has used the silent treatment as well as other ways of ignoring me as a way of 'punishing' me. Starting as a small child, she would lock herself in her room for up to days at a time. She would not speak to my brother and me unless absolutely necessary. Thankfully we had my Dad with which to communicate and to care for us. She continued this pattern into my adulthood-- with the worst episodes when I lived with her as a teenager. The pain and shame and feeling of isolation was overwhelming. I tried to reach out to others during this highly emotionally abusive time (my step-father, my friend, my friend's mother) but was only subjected to my mother's retaliation.

As a teenager, I was banished to the basement for 90 days, only allowed to leave to perform house and yard work. During this time, my mother wouldn't speak to me. I was completely ignored and isolated as I wasn't allowed to use the phone. I tried to appeal to my step-father's common sense, but in the midst of telling my point-of-view, my mother arrived in the basement and told him not to speak to me. She called me a bitch, and they both left. So, not only did I not have her speaking to me, but she prohibited my step-father from speaking to me as well as my ability to talk on the phone to others.

She also used notes to communicate during these silent treatment times. She wouldn't talk to me for a long period of time. Then she would start leaving notes for me around the house. Each note would get further and further off-base from the issue-- very bizarre writings. The notes would truly make me sick to my stomach as her illness was clearly apparent in these surreal and bizarre writings. Those outbursts and over-reactions that Roth referred to above were very apparent in these notes. More about this period of time: Run Forrest Run

When I went off to college, she became enraged because I didn't come home one weekend to see her. I tried to talk to her about the situation but she repeatedly hung-up on me. Instead, she used letter writing to communicate. She wouldn't talk to me on the phone (silent treatment), but she would send letter after letter-- each letter getting further and further from the truth and the issue. She eventually wrote that she didn't want me home for Thanksgiving ... then Christmas... and then ultimately she put my possessions on the street. I never responded to the letters; however, the letters got so upsetting to my then boyfriend that he confronted her about her fabricated and distorted views. More about this period of time: Out of the Nest

By the time the information technology age arrived, her methods shifted from letter writing to emails. She wouldn't call me or my then fiance (now husband) back on the phone (silent treatment) but she would fire off a series of emails to anyone that she had an email address. Her lack of emotional regulation was very apparent as she fired off inappropriate and delusional emails to my work colleagues, collegiate colleagues, future in-laws, friends, and more. More about this period of time: Little Women

Regardless if she gave me the silent treatment, left notes laying around the house, mailed me letters, or sent me emails, my mother has been incapable of honestly and openly discussing the issues at hand. The issues root to her fear of abandonment and rejection as well as her hypersensitivity to the topic of my Dad, her divorce from my Dad, and those she feels have hurt her. She has chosen time and time again to alienate herself from those around her by estranging herself from her daughter (me), her son, her sister, her father, and countless others. Rather than working through challenges, she claims the victim stance and retreats. And with the retreating, she comes ruthless with her words on paper.

So, my mother's silent treatment was not merely the absence of speaking. She added the element of note writing, letter writing, and sending emails as a form of control. With these methods she was able to refuse to communicate until she was ready to stop punishing-- and then she was able to one-sidely present her compoundingly and exponentially distorted, convoluted, and fabricated point of view. She was vicious with her words-- and still is as my brother is still in communication with her and received some very scathing and ruthless emails and texts from her. When she disagrees with him, she will not speak to him on the phone, but she will send him texts with harsh profanity (telling him to "f*&k off" repeatedly for example) and telling him how horrible he is.

Her silent treatment has always made me feel not valued by her... unimportant to her ... and easily discarded. The fact that she can stop communicating with me so quickly and flip to denigrating me is amazing and tragic. She sings my praises for years to completely change her tune in a matter of seconds-- her over-reaction leading to estrangement, the ultimate form of silent treatment. And her outbursts switch from notes / letters / emails TO me ... to notes / letters / emails ABOUT me. My mother, with her silent treatments and estrangements, has left no ability to have closure-- ever-- with any of our issues through the years. Even after a silent treatment or estrangement ended, nothing that transpired ever was discussed.

For those of you suffering from the silent treatment, please do not internalize the abuse. Remember that the silent treatment is passive aggressive and by no means resolves any of the extenuating issues. Remember also that you are worthy of being recognized, acknowledged, respected, and dignified with a response. And remember that you are not crazy ... and that it's not you.

Daughters of Madness: Adolescence, Young Adulthood, Adulthood

2011-09-07T17:04:00.000-07:00

Continuing from my discussion about Daughters of Madness: Infants, Early Childhood, Middle Childhood, the last sections of Susan Nathiel's book covers adolescence, young adulthood, and adulthood.

Adolescence: The adolescence section covers how very controlling mothers search through daughters' possessions in a violent and intrusive way (p 85). Specifically, personality-disordered mothers undermine privacy and do so in a demeaning way -- and my mother was no exception. And after the violation of trust, she would make the situation out to be my fault. Equally confusing, which this section also covers, is the silent treatment. My mother used the silent treatment often which led to her leaving crazy notes around the house. Once she was over her anger and rage, the incident would never be spoken of again. As one of the women cited in the book stated, "I could never figure out what I could have done wrong. I was a straight A student. I tried my best at everything. I never knew what she was thinking was so bad about me" (p 86).

Further, the adolescence section covers how the personality-disordered mother makes dating difficult, seemingly on purpose (p 86). My mother was very inappropriate around boys who arrived to take me on a date. She would flirt, strut, and wear revealing clothes. She batted her eye lashes and engage in inappropriate conversation. All of this was an attempt to be "cool." Nathiel further explores the mother in public, which experiences can be embarrassing and shameful. My mother attracted attention by being inappropriate. One episode particularly stands out: we were dining at a very fine dining restaurant with a large group of people. I didn't know any of the people, and my mother only knew one. During dinner, which was very formal and filled with dining etiquette, my mother spoke loudly and fully about her hysterectomy. I remember feeling very embarrassed and wanting to crawl under the table and hide. Horrified dinner guests stared back at my mother as she continued to tell the gruesome and gross tale.

An evaluation of the Borderline in regard to Emotional Intelligence: The Borderline and Emotional Intelligence

Young Adulthood: Predominately through my adolescence, I set my sights to get through high-school so I could leave for college on my own-- to break free. Nathiel (p 114) tells of Pat who also "got out of there as soon as I could." I kept telling myself that if I could survive those high-school years, I would be out on my own and taking care of myself-- no more confusion, manipulations, fear, anxiety, and craziness.

Although I made it out of the mess, I felt terrible leaving my brother behind. I stayed in touch (coming home for weekends) but an estrangement instigated by my mother shortly ensued. With my brother still in high-school, I managed to stay close and in-touch with him during the weekends. On p 123, one of the interviewed stated that she felt really guilty about leaving her younger sister alone with her parents. Although we were free, we still didn't find that happiness and peace knowing that our sister / brother was left in the midst of the craziness. And my brother ended up homeless shortly after as my mother kicked him out.

Nathiel also discusses resilience through this period, which I definately found solace in my running, writing, and music. Many of the people Nathiel interviewed also had similar tactics to survive these years (p 114 - 118). Young adulthood features going out into the world-- and the need to create boundaries. Nathiel talks about the establishment of appropriate boundaries, and with my mother, once we repaired our relationship after a 5 year estrangement, my mother began to press those boundaries.

Regardless, I didn't let anything stop me. I was a business woman, single and on-my-own, and enjoying all facets of life. My mother would say how she would have loved to experience how I was living but she had to raise two kids at my age. She would attempt to make me feel badly when I planned a trip away with friends-- always stressing the fact that she had to raise kids. A reminder from my childhood: my mother told my brother and me that if she had a chance to do life again, she wouldn't have kids. So, these words continue to resonate, even into young adulthood.

Another point that Nathiel makes is that the young adult goes as far and as fast as they can, without looking back (p 124). I completely understand this statement as I lived this. I went out into the world, full gusto, and became the independent person. I didn't rely on anyone but myself, and I didn't look back. I actually didn't start to analyze my childhood / adolescence / young adulthood until my 30's when I was in the midst of another estrangement brought on by my mother. I was completely confused at this point, debating where I could claim responsibility and where my mother was responsible. I would discuss and analyze with my dear friends until the wee-hours of the morning. No matter how I assessed the situation, being rejected by my mother was not an easy situation to rationalize.

Adulthood: Into adulthood, I had a relationship with my mother but a very superficial and not authentic. Nathiel expresses that by this point, "someone with so many layers of nonverbal and verbal memory, and so much early instability and deficit, can come to integrate all of this into some coherent whole sense of self without having a good therapist at some point" (p 139). My saving grace, my huge fortune in life, was my friends who opened their ears and hearts to me. I spent countless hours discussing with my friends about my relationship (or lack thereof) with my mother. I also bought book after book after book, reading to try to understand my mother and to figure out what I could do to have a healthy and happy relationship with her.

We had been in and out of estrangements from my childhood up to this point of adulthood. Nathiel talks about cutting off contact. She states that no-contact is powerful and establishes a feeling of adult equality. If the parent is powerful enough to reject and wound the child, the child grown up may need to retaliate, powerfully, when she is strong enough (p 143). Interestingly, the estrangements with my mother have been started by her. Her fear of abandonment and rejection result in a self-fulfilling prophecy with her cutting ties with me then claiming to be the victim (primary characteristic of BPD). Nathiel has some poignant observations about no-contact in this same section, mainly regarding boundaries and stopping chaotic situations that the parent has pulled the adult child into.

Some powerful passages are contained in this section regarding elderly mothers and mothers as grandmothers. The one that really struck me was when one of the interviewed was by her mother's deathbed. She couldn't hug her but was able to say that she was happy her mother isn't suffering anymore. The strength that this daughter exhibited is amazing. Another powerful passage is where one of the interviewed talked about having a child and with that child she realized all the things her own mentally ill mother had missed. I can totally relate. She continues by saying, "I never felt sorry for myself, and I never saw how much I missed. But I saw how much she missed as a mother-- she never made that kind of connection to me at all. It was overwhelming" (p 161). These are very profound statements that I have felt reverberate through my experiences being a mother.

After-thoughts & More: The book closes with some after-thoughts, what do we need to learn, and an appendix of the interviewed biographies. The after-thoughts wrap the book up nicely, noting that many of the mothers are unwilling to change-- which I feel is the case with my mother. She not only doesn't want to change but she doesn't want to talk about any of it and doesn't want to claim responsibility. She would rather continue the facade of being the victim. Additionally powerful is the discussion of violations of trust. The crux of my issues with my mother at this point are trust. I cannot trust her-- she has attacked and rejected me repeatedly through my entire life. She is a known danger that I cannot trust around my daughter. And I also don't want my husband or myself further hurt by her. As many of the interviewed stated, the worst part of being a "daughter of madness" is not having a mother. I can say that is true for me too. And in regard to the best part of being a "daughter of madness" is having resilience.

Overall, this book was very insightful, rich with interviews of daughters of madness. The sections were effectively woven together and synthesized into a powerful narrative that speaks for daughters of mentally ill mothers. I learned a great deal of how emotional abuse and experiences while we are infants effects us into adulthood. I also appreciate how our experiences with our mentally ill mothers mirror each other-- just as if our mothers had a physical ailment that manifested itself with the same symptoms, our mother's mental illness manifest themselves with similar symptoms. Daughters of madness have this common bond.

Daughters of Madness: Infants, Early Childhood, Middle Childhood

2011-08-25T18:59:00.000-07:00

I have just completed the book "Daughters of Madness. Growing Up and Older with Mentally Ill Mother" by Susan Nathiel. Susan is a psychotherapist and discusses the daughters of mentally ill mothers, including Borderline Personalty Disordered (BPD) mothers. Supporting her analysis and topics about daughters of mentally ill mothers from birth to adulthood, she intersperses personal accounts from daughters. Many of these accounts I could completely relate with-- and her introduction has such a touching and powerful statement that rings so true, "That memory of a pretty mommy is still alive despite what came later for these women. What transpired was invariably ugly, shaming, and often terrifying, not at all what the little girl would have wanted from her pretty mommy." My mother was very beautiful but through all of the nasty treatment or disregard I received, her beauty wilted into a sight I didn't want to see.

Mother's Role in Our "Self" Development: Nathiel's beginning of the book is very captivating. A chapter is devoted to the mentally ill mother's role in the development of her child, which is centered around birth and infancy. She describes why some wounds heal, while others don't and discusses the after-shocks of early maternal failure. She relates that at about six months of age, we develop a 'template' of our earliest experiences of ourselves relative to the world. Research confirms what common sense already tells us: that all those thousands of times someone comforted us when we cried (or didn't), all those times were held (or not) and sung to (or not) and washed and changed and put down to sleep (or not), are all important. We do remember them, but we remember them more by the body / mind sense of what it was like to be there, not because we have memories of specific events. pp3 -4 Nathiel

I have always had a terrible time saying goodbye. I have had such a hard time that I have always wondered to what that deep sadness is rooted. I do know that I had to say 'goodbye' to my birth father / paternal grandparents around six months old. I do know that I had to say 'goodbye' to my maternal grandparents (who were my primary care-takers when I was a year and under) when my mother decided to remarry her high-school sweetheart and move across the country. Did these goodbyes have a lasting and profound effect on me? Interesting to contemplate given what the research states.

Research also shows that young children of mothers with psychotic disorders are more likely to have insecure attachments by the time they're two, and that in adulthood, more than half of the children of a mentally ill parent have either a mood disorder or substance abuse problem. p 10 Nathiel My brother falls directly into this category. After he was born, my mother became very dysfunctional. She was so ill that my Dad didn't know how to handle her and manage the family. Ultimately, he moved us close to my maternal grandparents so they could assist with my brother and me. Despite the move, my mother was emotionally incapable of handling us kids, and without anyone intervening for a period of time, my infant brother was greatly effected. As an adult, my brother has been diagnosed bipolar, has anti-social personality disorder, and substance abuse problems.

With a mother who can barely function in the world and who is emotionally dysfunctional, my brother and I were left with very splintered relationships with my mother. She had children when she was very young (she got pregnant with me at 19 years old) and mentally unstable (she had attempted suicide just little over a year earlier). Her unstable life led to an unstable entry into the world for my brother and me. I had 2 fathers within the first year of my life-- and I moved across country before a year old, leaving my primary care-takers (grandparents).

The rich growth of medium of the mother-child interaction is where we can see how children take in the world, make sense of it, and respond to it according to that understanding. This happens from the day of birth, if not before. p 12 Nathiel So, what were my brother and I learning from our mother-child interactions as babies and infants? Certainly not a very positive or stable point of view. If mother is dysregulated in a major way herself and has trouble modulating her own emotions, this certainly spells trouble for the developing infant-- and all before there is any objective memory of language to capture what the trouble is. Again, keep in mind this is all visceral, whole-body experience, without the ability to filter anything out. p 13 Nathiel

Regular memories are explicit memories which we don't start building until 2 1/2 to 3 y/o. Implicit memories are templates of 'how the world is.' These templates are formed, laid down neurologically, then become the lived-in foundation of everything else build upon them. The templates are like a pair of glasses, but permanently affixed to the child's vision of the world. p 20 Nathiel My first real memories are around 2 years old with the landing of the men on the moon. I have also other snap-shot memories from around that time. But I certainly have a lot of 'feelings' surrounding that time. I can be taken back to that period with deep concentration, and I can **feel** what it was like-- but not with actual 'memories'. I don't have any warm and fuzzy memories of my mother. In fact, I have always felt there was something 'wrong'. I have always felt that my mother was unbalanced and could snap at any second. And as young as I can remember, I have always felt like I was walking on egg-shells.

Early Childhood: Nathiel then covers early childhood in the next section of "Daughters of Madness." She covers more about the moods that an impaired mother may have, which is definately an aspect of which I was acutely aware. Rather humorous but none-the-less sad, my brother and I could predict the mother that would emerge depending on if she had her curlers in (too tight curlers with Dippity Doo meant a 'mean mommy') or a certain outfit (the red, blue and black hip-hugger outfit always meant a 'mean mommy' too). Some days she never got dressed and those days, the ones without make-up, were the more waif, sad, and depressed mommy.

My mother always saw me as connected with her-- a part of her-- not separate from her. My brother, on the other hand, was the all-bad child who couldn't do much right. She seemed to pick on him for one thing or another. An impaired mother may be having trouble with her moods-- she may be depressed, or her moods may fluctuate from one extreme to the other. Her connection to reality may be frayed, or, in extreme, non-existent, or she may be unable to see her child as a separate person. A self-centered mother may have trouble recognizing that a child has needs that are unique to him, but a psychotic mother may be unable to see the child as psychically or physically separate. p 19 Nathiel

Interestingly, my mother is absent from any of my 'fun time' memories. I have many memories of having fun times with my Dad and maternal grandparents but in the time period of my early childhood, I don't have a hand full surrounding fun with my mother. I only remember trying to assess the mother we had for the day (the mean mom? the sad mom? the easier to be around mom?). She was either smoking cigarettes while on the phone or doing house-work or locked in a dark room.

Middle Childhood: Nathiel then proceeds into middle childhood where she discusses when kids from dysfunctional families are old enough to start seeing the inside of other people's families. She describes the experience as something they don't forget. This may be the first time they've ever seen a more 'normal family in action, and it may be the first realization that what goes on in their family is not the way it is for everyone. p 38 Nathiel I remember feeling this during early childhood. I was able to see a stark difference between how we lived versus others. I experienced this at neighbor's homes as well as with my aunt's home (she has two children who are 2 and 4 years older than me). What I observed was happy and warm homes with genuinely loving mothers. The homes smelled like something yummy cooking in the oven, and the children were free to play without the constant criticism and negative comments. These kids were allowed to get dirty and play like kids.

Our house was very sterile. Even the linens in the closet were folded impeccably. I remember hearing random comments from folks who would stop by for a moment or two about how the house was perfect like a magazine. With personality disordered mothers, they are often charming and pleasant and often create the impression that their families are Disney productions, and children in these families are repeatedly told how lucky they are to have such a wonderful / kind / loving / cool mother. Needless to say, this makes it much harder for a child or adolescent to confide in others about what's going on behind closed doors. Children of personality-diordered mothers have a much harder time believing that their own perceptions are valid, as their mother routinely deny this validity, and the fact that the destructive behavior is visible only to them makes it that much harder. p 64 - 65 Nathiel

My mother was often on the phone, doodling and smoking. She didn't cook so planning meals, shopping, anc cooking were not part of her repertoire. However, another bulk of her time was focused on her grooming projects: major project of shaving legs, of shaving pits, of washing and setting her hair. These grooming tasks could literally take all day. Even cleaning projects were taken to the 'nth' degree by not just Windexing a mirror but actually taking it down, wiping behind the mirror, then wiping the mirror itself, then replacing. If us kids tried to help clean, the cleaning was never good enough and she had to repeat.

We were not allowed to have friends over to the house. We never had a birthday party. We were controlled: to bed hours before other kids and up later than other kids, our clothes were laid out, our food selected (no eating outside meal times). And one huge element surrounding my mother was that my brother and I must be grateful. I was given a latch hook kit as a gift from my mother. Completing the rug was not fun and I told my mother of not enjoying it. The next holiday, I received another one and was expected to be very grateful. The same held true with the Healthtex shirts that had decals that irritated my skin. Even though I expressed my discomfort, she continue to buy these shirts and made me wear them.

My Dad seemed to do the best he could with managing my mother's illness. Given the fact that he's narcissistic (and progressive gotten worse over the years), he managed by moving us back closer to my maternal grandparents, allowing her to stay locked in her room, and taking us kids away whenever possible. My mother and Dad had knock-down, drag-out fights that would wreck the house. My brother and I caught them in the midst of a hum-dinger, where my Dad was on top of her, restraining her.

Nathiel covers fathers and siblings in this part. As much as I love this book, the section on fathers is lacking. She discusses how the father is in a a relationship with a sick woman and how the father may stay in the family for loyalty, sense of duty, marriage vows, didn't consider leaving, religious reasons, 'the love of his life', not quitters, and more. She doesn't cover the fact that many of these men who stay are also personality-disordered, alcoholics, or drug-addicts. Many of these men are in the relationship with a personality disordered woman because it's mutually beneficial (abet sick). Many of these fathers have a need fed by either taking care of these women (rescuers), being co-dependent, have a narcissistic need met, or are stuck in the abusive relationship with these women.

So, with my brother experiencing the same childhood as I did, why did he turn out completely opposite of me? I am the well adjusted, healthy, happy, positive, successful, educated while he is not. Nathiel offers an explanation in regard to psychological resilience. Psychological resilience has been associated with having at least one person who's a positive force-- even if the person is peripheral-- being intelligent, being creative, and having a sense of humor. p 35 Nathiel Perhaps the intervention of my grandparents made the difference in my life? My grandfather took the role of my father during the transition from my birth father to adoptive father. He remained an influential and very loving figure in my life until he passed away when I was 11 years old. He would tell everyone that he loved me more than anyone in the world. My grandmother was also very supportive, loving, and receptive to me. I also loved my friends at school, school teachers, and more outside figures. Possibly my brother didn't get as much positive feedback from them to overcome all the negatives in the house. Perhaps, my mother's darkness effected him far greater before my maternal grandparents could intervene?

Resilient kids have inborn qualities or certain factors in the environment that they make strong connections with people and / or find a meaningful focus for their positive energies. School. church, sports, jobs can be places of refuge where kids can thrive and do well. Their good experiences remain uncontaminated by their toxic home environment. It's a powerful coping ability, and part of what we see in the most resilient kids. Having at least one positive adult (enlightened witness) is also extremely important and cited as a primary protective factor in kids surveying abusive and neglectful childhoods. These kids sought and clung to positive responses they got from people and built on good experiences. p 78 -79 Whatever the reason for my resilience from my childhood experienced, I am very VERY grateful for having the perspective, frame of mind, and fortitude to survive. I am very grateful for knowing that the dysfunction was her and not me.

This blog / review covers the first half of Susan Nathiel's book. I have thoroughly enjoyed reading it and highly recommend the book to any daughter of a mentally ill mother OR an undiagnosed mother who abused her daughter. I appreciate Nathiel's explanation of science, mixed with narratives, combined with her experience with patients. The information has been very validating and reinforcing. More reviews to come regarding the sections on adolescence, young adulthood, and adulthood.

Borderline's Campaigns of Denigration

2011-08-23T18:32:00.000-07:00

I love my child to the deepest part of my heart and soul. My child is a blessing who amazes me every day of my life. I would do anything possible to support my child, shower my child with unconditional love, and provide security and safety for my child. If we ever have a disagreement, I will do everything possible to understand my child's point-of-view and create peace. I am my child's biggest cheerleader, biggest supporter, and biggest admirer. I love my child beyond words.

My mother, on the other hand, has treated our relationship with such disregard and with so many conditions. She has treated me as an adult when I was a child, expecting me to react or have viewpoints as an adult. She leaned on me as an adult 'friend' when I was a child, confiding in me with things that are inappropriate for a child's ears. She completely disregarded my feelings, emotions, and perspectives from childhood to the beginning of our last estrangement in 2004. She has discredited and denied my childhood memories and even has gone so far as to say what we experienced as a child doesn't have any bearing on our adulthood. And what is so disgusting is that she will spend an inordinate amount of time talking disparagingly about me to other people.

First of all the campaigns of denigration are despicable because she is my mother and I am her daughter. She **should be** one of my staunchest supporters, someone to always be on my side. She **should be** someone who thinks I hung the moon, talks admiringly of me, and is my cheerleader. And if we have personal issues, those issues should be resolved between us. I cannot fathom ever speaking of my child the way my mother speaks of me. I cannot fathom making up myths, lies, and misconceptions about my child the way my mother does of me. I know how deeply I feel for my child-- and this truly makes the pathology, dysfunction, toxicity, and pure evil of my mother's illness stand out even more.

If my mother spent as much time and energy trying to work-out disagreements with me as she does with her campaigns of denigration against me, we would have resolved disagreements long ago. The topic that started the last estrangement isn't what threw me over the edge (the fact that my mother said she was out of my wedding because I didn't want all 3 of my fathers attending the same ceremony). What threw me over the edge was the vile, mean, and demeaning things she said to my friends, work and school colleagues, my in-laws, and more. She went so far that I cannot ever trust her again. Let's put it this way-- would I still be friends with someone who attacks me, spreads lies about me, tries to turn people against me, and attempts to destroy relationships of mine? Heck no. So why would I still honor a relationship with my mother?

When we were estranged in in the middle 80's and then again in the middle 90's, she talked smack about me. When we reconciled, I try to put the past in the past and give her credit for being 'changed'. After our middle 80's estrangement ended in the early 90's, she promised me that she had changed, that she had gotten professional help, and that she wouldn't do anything like that to me again. I gave her the benefit of the doubt. Then when we reconciled after the middle 90's estrangement, I thought I had my life so solid and together that she couldn't hurt me again. Wrong again.

Anyway, one of the classic behaviors of a person suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is the campaign of denigration. The target is the person against whom the perpetrator BPD conducts the vilification, which the target happens to be me. The intent is to destroy my reputation and thereby destroying my relationships with family and friends, co-workers, and others. How can someone who loves you, do this to you? They can't possibly truly love you and then try to destroy your reputation and relationships.

As with so many aspects involving BPD's and their typical inability to understand or respect boundaries, no limits exist to their campaigns. They will use any means available to cause damage to their target, including denigration, endless disparaging remarks, fabrication, false accusations, and even teaching others to lie on their behalf as part of their vilification campaign. My mother has used all of the means listed and even taught others (my ex co-worker (Enlisting Allies Against Her Target of Rage) and half-sister (Seriously Demented: BPD Mother Replacing Daughter) to take part in her campaign. She tried to organize them to 'crash my wedding' ... we had to have security at our wedding ceremony for protection. How very sad. Is this the behavior of a loving, supportive, and **normal** mother?

The campaign employs lies, exaggerations, fictions, partial truths, and other reality distortion techniques. Campaigns of denigration are often done behind the scenes. They may start months or years before the target is even aware of the campaign. By the time the target is aware of the distortions, people around the BPD may have been hearing for a long time that the target is some evil, horrible, cruel person as part of the campaign of denigration. What is so powerful is the thought from outsiders that a mother couldn't possibly be lying like this about her very own child, could she!?!?! And thus, the mother has power, and the child is vilified. Peg Streep talks about this in "Mean Mothers" that the child is the one on trial in the court of opinion when against a mother.

The BPD is likely to make extreme false allegations, distortions, and varied lies to defame and harm her target. The BPD is also likely to involve many other people in the campaign of denigration. Many are passive participants who will listen and believe the BPD’s lies. Others become actively involved in spreading lies further. The target may find dozens of people, many whom have never met him / her, who believe and repeat the lies of the BPD. I know that my mother will try to talk to anyone who will listen (she loves pity as she is the hurting victim) so I am sure there are many people out there that I am unaware who have heard many false allegations, distortions, and lies about me. And you know what? I don't care. If any of these people chose to believe my mother, so be it. I can't be a politician to try to convince them otherwise. Que sara, sara-- what will be, will be. What I do know is that I am truly blessed with a wonderful group of family and friends who are my family. And those family and friends are who I concentrate on... not the nasty evil makings of my mother.

What lies do BPDs tell? BPD's tend to pick false accusations that are difficult to disprove. Although we supposedly live in a society in which people are 'innocent until proven guilty', the reality is, people are not treated this way. The victims of the campaign of denigration often are treated as outcasts or even criminals, assumed to be guilty without any evidence whatsoever. A pitiful point is: just because she's my **mother** many don't require evidence to deem me guilty-- why would a mother falsely accuse her daughter who she claims to love so very much!?!?

The perhaps surprising aspect of many of these defamatory statements is that they are not about the target at all. Often BPDs are aware at some level that they themselves are doing these bad behaviors. So instead of taking responsibility for their own problems, they blame them on others. This behavior is known as “projection.” The BPD lies by partial truth and distortion. BPD's excel at this. They are believed and seldom questioned because of their emotional intensity and conviction they exhibit while they repeat their lies. My mother is very smart and very clever. She can build lie upon lie, and she sounds so very convincing... and she is convincing because she believes her own lies. And as far as projection, she has always saw me as an extension of herself. Therefore, when she is saying the lies, she fully believes them because she thinks of me as an extension of herself and these lies are actually truths of what she feels about herself.

BPD's have trouble knowing what the truth is due to a combination of problems. Sometimes they may experience cognitive dissociation in which they temporarily break from reality and may honestly experience reality completely differently from any observers. My mother seems to cycle in and out of reality, which also corresponds with our estrangements. Her sense of reality is skewed on a certain level consistently but manageable for our relationship to remain active. However, she becomes completely irrational at times, typically spurred on by fears of abandonment or rejection, which throws her out of reality. She is transformed from Dr. Jekyll to Mr. Hyde, and our relationship is cut off. She has always been very careful to show the public only a sweet and smiley side. The public doesn't see the irrational, unreasonable, and destructive person that I experience and see.

I have tried to talk to her about our past estrangements, and her reasoning behind why they occurred is completely off-base from what actually happened. She claims she doesn't remember some of the events, and she even stated that she instigated the estrangement just to make sure that I could make it on my own if she were ever gone. Say what!?!? A mother would go for FIVE YEAR STINTS away from her daughter just to make sure that she could make it on her own when her daughter was already living independently!?!? Irrational and illogical. And when I confronted her about the 'smack' she said about me, she flat-out denied it. But reality does not matter to BPD's. What matters is the ability to convince other people to take their sides during conflict and to protect themselves from “threats” such as being alone or being held accountable for their actions.

Why don’t people see the BPD's who conduct campaigns of denigration as the liars they are? Often BPD's tell varying lies to different people who don’t talk to each other and so the obvious deception is not apparent. My mother's relationships are predominately with people who live out of the state and have no contact with each other. Additionally, often the BPD’s emotional intensity and ability to play on people’s emotions makes them master manipulators. When my mother and I first became estranged in 2004, my step-grandmother was ill and subsequently died. My mother didn't call to inform me of her death but cried to others around her that I am heartless because I didn't know my step-grandmother died. How convoluted and illogical is that!? And when she declared she was 'out' of my wedding, I asked her in several emails and voice messages if she really meant what she said or was her declaration simply a threat. She never responded but actively spread the lie that I kicked her out of the wedding and ripped her heart out.

People tend to “just believe” because the BP can come across as very charming, warm and friendly. Untrained, uncritical listeners are particularly susceptible at being duped by their lies. Eventually, they may believe the lies so completely that even when confronted with evidence such as writings, photographs, recordings, 3rd party versions of events, and other evidence, they refuse to accept that they were duped into believing lies. Even many mental health care professionals fall for the campaigns of denigration for a while. They get sucked into false sympathy and emotional alignment with the BPD rapidly. They fall for false stereotypes, such as “all men are abusers”, that BPD's use to their advantage.

The campaign of denigration also tends to damage many people around the BPD. Divorce situations in which the children are taught by a BPD parent to hate the other parent based upon lies is very common. This is also known as “parental alienation”. My Dad was very adept with Parental Alienation as well as my mother. Each parent attempted to have my brother and me chose between parents. And if we lived with one parent, we didn't have a relationship with the other parent. I wrote more about of Parental Alienation in Adult Children of Parental Alienation as well as other areas of my blog. Parental Alienation is a form of emotional child abuse; therefore, BPD's or others who do this to children are child abusers.

Bottom-line, my mother has not fought to have me in her life-- she has fought to denigrate me and keep me out of her life. And she compounds estrangements with campaigns of denigration furthering my mistrust of her. I would fight TOOTH AND NAIL to NEVER allow ANYTHING to get in between my child and me. My mother would rather spend her time and energy talking terribly about me. Who needs this in their life when life has so many loving, caring, and kind people in this world? So when people ask me if I will ever reconcile with her, I respond with the fact I don't trust her. And at this point, the trust cannot be repaired after the extensive damage my mother has created.

Gaslighting, Campaigns of Denigration, and the Borderline Mother

2011-08-21T13:42:00.000-07:00

Gaslighting is the denial that certain events occurred or that certain things were said when you know differently and the denial of your perceptions, memory and very sanity. Gaslighting is one of the most sinister, sadistic, horrible, and effective forms of emotional and psychological abuse. Gaslighting can make the victim feel as if she's going crazy. If perceptions of reality are constantly denied, and above all denied by your mother (the person you admire the most and think is omniscient), the result is very confusing and destructive.

So how did the term gaslighting come to fruition? The phrase comes from the 1940's film "Gaslight", in which an abusive husband dims the gaslights in the house. Then, when his wife questions if the lights have been dimmed, he responds that she's imagining the dimming. The husband is driving the wife crazy, literally, by not validating the wife's reality.

The dimming gaslight is the perfect metaphor for the experience of living with someone with BPD. They may appear completely 'normal' and may often have the ability to act “as if” he or she has no problems. In fact, many people with BPD become professional actors. The “as if” ability of people with BPD can be particularly devastating to those who love them.(from Grief to Advocacy: A Mother’s Odyssey)

The gaslighting mother will construct fantasies of your emotional pathologies:

Making you look crazy: She makes you look crazy. If you try to confront her about something she’s done, she’ll tell you that you don’t know what you’re talking about or that she has no idea what you’re talking about. She doesn't remember significant events, flatly denies happenings, and won't admit perhaps she may have forgotten. Your perceptions of reality are continually undermined so that you end up losing confidence in your intuition, memory, or reasoning powers.
Preserving Perception of Self: Gaslighting can be inflicted to preserve the BPD mother's narcissistic view of herself as 'perfect'. BPD's gaslight routinely by insinuating or directly stating that you are unstable (or else you wouldn't think so preposterously). You may be told you are over-sensitive, imagining, unreasonable, irrational, and over-reacting.
Denying Your Right to Be Upset: Another form of gaslighting is the denial of your right to be upset. In this case the BPD might accept that the situation happened but invalidates you by fervently denying that there was anything problematic about it or any valid reason to get upset.

Ultimately, she’ll present her smears as expressions of concern and declaring her own helpless victimhood. She protests that she didn't do anything and has no idea why you’re so irrationally angry with her. She protests that you’ve hurt her terribly but loves you very much. She claims she would do anything to make you happy, but she just doesn’t know what to do. She'll tell others that you keep pushing her away when all she wants to do is help you.

What's the result? She has simultaneously absolved herself of any responsibility for your obvious hostility towards her, implied that it’s something fundamentally wrong with you that makes you angry with her, and undermined your credibility with her listeners.

She plays the role of the doting mother so perfectly that no one will believe you.

The following are 15 common symptoms of gaslighting abuse and manipulation:

Constantly second-guessing yourself.
Wondering, “Am I being too sensitive?” more than ten times a day
Frequently wondering if you are a “good enough” girlfriend / wife / employee / friend / daughter.
Having trouble making simple decisions.
Thinking twice before bringing up innocent topics of conversation.
Frequently making excuses for the BPD's behavior to friends and family.
Before the BPD comes home, you run through a checklist in your head to anticipate anything you might have done wrong.
Thinking about what the BPD would like instead of what would make you feel great.
Actually starting to enjoy the constant criticism, because you think, “What doesn’t kill me will make me stronger.”
Starting to speak to the BPD through someone else so you don’t have to tell him / her things you’re afraid might upset him / her.
Starting to lie to avoid the put-downs and reality twists.
Feeling as though you can’t do anything right.
Frequently wondering if you’re good enough for the BPD.
Your kids start trying to protect you from being humiliated by your BPD partner.
You feel hopeless and joyless.

The outcome from this blog and researching 'gaslighting' presented a very interesting result. My Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) Dad adeptly used gaslighting through my childhood and into my adulthood. When I went through the 15 point checklist above, I could really see the damage that he was inflicting. We are now estranged as I couldn't handle the way that he was treating my child, my husband, and me. However, this exercise made his emotional abuse even more clear to me.

I second-guessed myself constantly, analyzing interactions with my Dad to the tiniest details. I also always felt as if I was too sensitive to our interactions... as I always left feeling rejected, dejected, and ignored. Because I was always pushed aside by him for my step-sister, I wondered what draws him to her (or away from me). I know that his wife (my step-mother) has incredible power over him that he intentionally ignores me and pays more attention to my step-sister BUT the reality still stings. I have been careful of bringing up simple conversations-- and even if I carefully asked him about the past or incidents from childhood, he would respond curtly, "I don't remember because I CHOSE not to remember." I never got to the the point that the 15 point checklist illustrates (feeling hopeless, joyless, etc) as I removed myself from the situation.... but I can certainly see the damage that my Dad could cause (and has caused with my brother).

If you realize that the BPD in your life is engaging in gaslighting against you, this is often a good clue that she is running a distortion campaign of denigration against you (another form of covert abuse). In regard to my BPD mother, this is the case. After all, if they have you confused about your own experiences, they will likely have a much easier time misleading others to believe inaccurate negative misinformation about you.

The BPD's intent is to destroy the target’s reputation and thereby destroy the target’s relationships with family and friends, employers, co-workers, and others. As with so many things involving BPD's and their typical inability to understand or respect boundaries (so descriptive of my mother!), no limits exist. The BPD uses any method to cause damage to their target: denigration, endless disparaging remarks, fabrication, false accusations, and even teaching others to lie on their behalf as part of their vilification campaign:

For instance, when I was a teenager going off to college, she got upset at me for coming into town and not contacting her. Her response was to tell me to not come home the following weekend. Shortly thereafter, she told me not to come home for Thanksgiving... and then not to come home for Christmas. Shortly after these statements, she put all of my belongings on the street. From there she started to spread rumors and blow the entire event out of proportion-- none of which had anything to do with the initial disagreement (that she was hurt when I came into town and didn't contact her). We remained estranged for almost 5 years.
Another instance was when I received a box of dishes from my Dad which my mother perceived as a betrayal to her (I had no idea I was getting these dishes from my Dad who I wasn't in contact with at the time). She went from being upset saying that she can't believe I would accept the dishes after all that my Dad put her through with the divorce (17 years earlier) to the next day she told me I was a bitch and hung up the phone on me. From there the increasingly hurtful and untrue rumors started again which had nothing to do with my Dad sending me dishes. We remained estranged for almost 5 years.
Another incident, which led to the last estrangement was my engagement to my fiance. She pressed me for information regarding my wedding, which I had no plans. Ultimately, I told her we would have two ceremonies with which she didn't approve and declared she was out of the wedding. She proceeded with a campaign of denigration against me, saying increasingly horrible things to my friends, colleagues, and future in-laws which had nothing to do with the initial conflict between my mother and me (that she didn't agree with the consideration of having 2 ceremonies). We remain estranged.

With my mother, to preserve her view as a 'perfect mother' she would push me away-- in estrangement-- then make up narratives about me to support how she is the perfect mother, the loving & concerned mother, and how I ripped her heart out.

In summary, gaslighting and campaigns of denigration are covert forms of emotional abuse. One results in the victims doubting their perceptions of reality, and the other turns people against the victim. When perceptions of reality are doubted, the gaslighter is able to control the victim as the victim becomes completely dependent on the gaslighter 'for the "truth'. And campaigns of denigration can destroy the victim's life and damage people around the BPD. If you think you are the victim of gaslighting or campaigns of denigration, please seek professional assistance.

Childhood Insomnia Resulting from Stress

2011-08-19T17:49:00.000-07:00

Growing up in an environment with a borderline personality mother and a malignantly narcissistic Dad compounded by a period of simultaneous major-life-stessors (moving, death of grandmother, death of grandfather, parental divorce, parents remarrying), I developed several symptoms of stress. Insomnia was one of the resulting symptoms, which when your sense of safety and trust are shattered, having difficulty falling asleep is a normal reaction to abnormal events.

Part of the stressful environment was my very controlling BPD mother. She controlled what we wore: picking up and purchasing our clothing (not giving us a say) as well a laying out our clothes on the bed every day. She controlled what we ate and having us clean our plates or sit at the table until we did. A couple of times, I vomited in my food, only to be given more. She controlled our bathing, even washing our hair at the kitchen sink until we were middle school age which became very embarrassing when friends dropped by-- lying on the counter with my head in the sink and my mother scrubbing my head. She even controlled our bed time and awake time with early bed times and late awake times.And once we were put to bed, we were to remain in our rooms until a set time.

I developed insomnia around 9 years old; however, up to that age, I had years of being put to bed so early that I would stand at my window and watch the children play outside ... and then sit in bed and sing to entertain myself. I remember hearing my mother and Dad watch TV, and I could smell the aroma of freshly popped popcorn wind its way through my room. I also can remember hearing them go to bed and thinking I should be asleep by now. My bed-time didn't have anything to do with my schedule, sleep requirements, or body clock. My bed-time was based on the need for my parents to have alone time from the kids.

My awake-time also didn't have anything to do with my schedule, sleep requirements, or body clock. I woke earlier than my mother allowed my brother and me out of our rooms, so I would sit in my bed and count pennies, listen to the am-radio, or use my hands as puppets. All of our toys and books were in the play-room so we didn't have those things to occupy us . My brother would be awake in his room, and I would be awake in my room, and we were not allowed to play with each other. So we waited for the time we were allowed to leave our bedrooms. I had a small clock to keep an eye on the time so I knew when we were allowed out of our rooms.

At times, my mother refused to get out of bed and she would lock herself in her room. She would stay all day in that dark room. During these times, my Dad would take care of us in between going to work. He would call from work to make sure that my mother got out of bed after he left us in the play-room while she was still sleeping.

From 1976 to 1977, I said goodbye to my friends when we moved to a new home in a new school district. I started new a new and shortly thereafter I lost my grandmother to a stroke. My mother had become very angry and lashed out at us. Notably that Easter, we were told we were ungrateful and selfish because we were upset that Easter bunny didn't come when she was still mourning the loss of her mother a month earlier. She tossed Easter tee-shirts at us as we stood in the dining room. My childhood ended at this point, and I knew my world had completely changed.

After my grandmother's death, my grandfather lived with us, and my mother was very cruel to him. Ultimately she kicked him out of our house for very petty incidents (crumbs on the counter, urinating on the toilet seat) and wrote him a scathing and scarring letter. She used my brother and me to hurt him more by not allowing us to mail him letters after he moved. I felt tremendous guilt about this. A year later he died, my mother had an affair with my Dad's best friend, and my parents divorced. The divorce was nasty, traumatic for us kids, and lengthy. Safety and trust had been shattered...

Now back to the onset of insomnia: I can remember the EXACT night that the insomnia started in 1977 when I was 9 years old. Most anxious children do not have a specific event that triggered their anxiety, but some do. Certainly some situations can be anxiety producing, especially those that disrupt the child's sense of structure and order in their world (parental divorce, deaths in the family, trauma, moves) WorryWiseKids.org

We had moved to the new house, I had started the new school, and my grandmother had died. One night my parents said goodnight to me as usual, and I didn't fall asleep. I started to feel sweaty and clammy. I heard the AC turn on ... and then off ... and then it come back on ... and then it turned back off... clearly communicating to me the passing of time. Then I could hear my parents walk past my bedroom to go to bed. The lights went off in the hallway and the house was quiet. Time kept passing and I didn't fall asleep. I started to get anxiety ridden and I cried hoping that one of my parents would come check on me-- but neither did. I called out for my parents.

What resulted from here was a long period of time where I didn't sleep. But what was worse than not sleeping was the dread from the moment I woke-up until the the next bed-time: the dread of having to go back to sleep and that frightening, traumatic, horrifying, anxiety-ridden feeling of being lonely, alone, and helpless to insomnia. I can't even describe the nauseating, deep-pitted, empty feeling when I couldn't sleep. I felt like I was the only child / person in the world that experienced this problem-- like I was the only person in the whole world that was wide awake in the middle of the dark and quiet night. I had no idea that other people have the same experience.

Interestingly, I didn't feel sleep deprived. I wasn't sleepy during the day. I only had increasing anxiety about sleep. One night, our parents took us to meet Darth Vader at a local mall, and I was only fixated on the impending doom of bedtime. I also remember getting a doll as a gift and only associating the toy to the dreadful insomnia I was experiencing. I remember playing with friends during the day-time and only thinking of the terribly long night I just endured and the next night quickly approaching that I would have to endure again.

My parents didn't talk about the insomnia. My parents offered little comfort when I was upset and crying during the night. In fact, my mother didn't come to my room after the first night... my Dad did. And he really didn't have much to say other than he has to get up early in the morning for work. He suggested the counting sheep and playing a baseball game in my head ... and later he got permission from my mother to allow me to turn on the bedroom light and read Reader's Digest Condensed books (not any other book was allowed). I read through these books at lightning speed as I was up most nights to 4am and distinctively remember reading the series about Emily Pollifax.

Could the insomnia have been avoided? I believe so. If my parents had been more aware and subsequently more communicative and supportive about the changes in our family life (the move, leaving friends, changing of schools, death), I think some of the stress could have been eliminated. The way my family dealt with stress was to go to a movie (basically, to "deep six" the situation and not talk about it). But how could my parents have been more communicative and supportive about the changes in our family life when they are self-absorbed? And how could they have been more communicative and supportive about stress that they caused or contributed to? For example, if my mother had handled the death of her mother differently, acceptance of her passing would have been easier. Rather than hiding in a dark room sedated, she could have set a different climate. Instead of attending a funeral for my grandmother, we were subjected to my mother's anger directed to my grandfather.

And if the insomnia wasn't avoided, I think I could have worked through the sleepless nights with guidance from my parents. Perhaps I would have had a few sleepless nights but with having the comfort of alternatives (ie: watching TV, playing with toys, drawing and writing) and the comfort of knowing others have insomnia too, I would have been able to more effectively deal with the insomnia. Instead of feeling alone with parents ignoring my cries and calls and instead of my parents being angry at me for keeping them awake, I could have felt supported with the love of my parents.

I researched insomnia with children and found some wonderfully supportive parents on message boards. I love this mother's response to a mother who has a 9 year old with insomnia:

My son has always been a difficult sleeper. We allow him to read in bed with a reading light so he doesn't keep his younger brother awake. I snuggle with him for at least 10 minutes and during this time we talk about his day and settle ourselves. When he was younger we used to do a breathing exercise to calm and focus him, nothing fancy just deep breathing in and out. From my experience having a set ritual each night is helpful. One thing we've done that's worked as well is having him listen to music with headphones. Keeping the room as dark as possible is also good with a light he can control like an LED reading light so he can either read or use it as a night light. Sometimes I also put him in a warm bath before bed or encourage him to take a shower.

Try to create an atmosphere of calm, when bed time becomes anxiety producing there is no way to sleep. And be sure to explain to him that there is nothing wrong with him, some people just have trouble falling asleep or staying asleep. I came to the conclusion years ago that I just need less sleep than other people, my son is the same way. Lately things have been better, he's asleep pretty consistently by 10pm, but these things go in cycles. It sounds like this lack of sleep is distressing to him so I would avoid having him lay in bed waiting to fall asleep, that was always the worst for me as a kid and exacerbated my anxiety about sleep.

Amen! Bravo! Oh how I wish I had parents that were thoughtful, patient, and flexible like this mother. Obviously my parents were not deficient simply with handling my insomnia. Insomnia was just a small part of the whole-- the whole being a childhood filled with dysfunction, toxicity, confusion, conditional love, and impatience that my parents created.

Although the insomnia subsided, for decades I have carried that horrible sick feeling of being alone in a forever-long night. If my child ever develops an issue with sleeping (or any other for that matter), I will be completely supportive, understanding, and patient. I have been very comforting with my child during times of sleep pattern changes through the years, still feeling the effects of not having my parents' reassurance (security and safety) through childhood. To this day, my parents have no idea (nor do they care) how terrible that insomnia experience was to me... and how to this day, I can feel the after-effects.

Emotional Abuse Kept Silent: When Others Do Not Hear Your Need for Help

2011-08-10T20:28:00.000-07:00

Having come from a mother who can be so chipper, smiley, and nice to the public and then terribly mean and wicked behind closed doors, I have experienced the challenge of having an outsider believe my stories and indirect cries for help as a child AND as an adult. Many times people can't fathom that a mother is **that** bad. Therefore, people don't realize the emotional abuse the child is enduring (mother is sticky sweet to the public and a witch behind closed doors) and people can't imagine the stories from an adult are actually not exaggerated or contrived (people feel the mother should be given credit for doing the best she could regardless).

From as early as I can remember, my mother was always rotating between Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. She would be so dark, mean, and uncaring around my brother and me, but when someone came to the house, (((( poof )))), she was as smiley, friendly, and happy as could be. When I got older, she was terribly and embarrassingly flirty with my male friends. She would strut with her tight jeans and high heels around them, making her eyes really big & batting her eye lashes. She would laugh this completely fake laugh and talk about topics inappropriate with a child. She acted inappropriately around my girlfriends as well, using vulgar language, engaging in talk of the opposite sex and alcohol, and acting like one of their 'friends'. “The borderline mother’s need for attention is so out of control and pathetic that it is frightening. Others are embarrassed for her. The Queen’s behavior elicits embarrassment about her need for recognition, attention, and control” p 255 Lawson. She got that recognition, attention, and control for sure. She had most of my friends snowed, thinking that my mother was this super cool, super awesome mother. But no one truly knew the extent of my mother's pathology.

I tried reaching out to a friend and her mother after a rather traumatic incident with my mother when I was a child. After I told my story to my friend and her mother, the mother called my mother ... and then my mother went ballistic. First of all, what happened was documented in Run Forrest Run but in a nutshell my mother didn't believe what I told her about some inheritance money. She demanded that I go downstairs, yelled at me that she is glad that my last name is Smith, and pushed me to the top of the stairs. She continued to push me as I went down the stairs, yelling that she didn't want to see my face. "The voices of children are easily silenced by the fear of not being believed. The borderline's children feel like prisoners of a secret war. Children of borderlines know that their mother can make people vanish. They have seen her cut people to shreds with words, shatter reputations of those who betray, and stab them in the heart with false accusations. They know the feeling of sinking into nothingness by soul-wrenching verbal attacks" p 125 Lawson.

To compound how my mother made me feel, when I told my friend and her mother, the situation with my mother only got worse. After my friend's mother called my mother, my mother went into a fit of rage calling me a liar and coming down on me even harder. I was grounded, now allowed to speak on the phone, and was basically cut-off from the outside world. I reached out for help only to have the help turn into a very worse situation.

I also had reached out to my step-father for help. One day I managed to catch him downstairs where I was grounded, and I pulled him aside. I tried to appeal to his sense of reality concerning how my mother was treating me, how bizarre her behavior was, and to help me. During this time, my mother appeared. She told my step-father that I am a "bitch" and that I was trying to manipulate him. She cut the conversation off and demanded him to leave the room. I felt completely alone and helpless in this dungeon of verbal and emotional abuse. Again, I reached out and was unable to get some help that I needed.

So, what could have my friend, my friend's mother, and my step-father had done to help me? They each could have been an enlightened witness. I never had an actual enlightened witness to help validate my experiences and guide me through these troubled times with my mother, but I never thought what my mother did was 'my fault'. From the time I was a small child, my thinking always remained that my mother has issues and that the trouble was her responsibility. I always had a goal to make it through to get to college and on my own.

I turned to writing in my notebook, religion, and running. I became a long-distance runner as those miles were my only freedom. As high school came to an end, I carried these stories of my childhood with me and went off to college. My life was such a whirlwind with trying to make it on my own working three + jobs at a time, going to college full time, and running. Eventually the challenges that my dysfunctional family presented in the past and present needed to be discussed. I had many wonderful friends to which I would tell little bits and pieces of my life. I was even very fortunate to have close friends who would sit and listen to me for hours as I tried to piece together the convoluted pieces of my past, trying to synthesize them into some sort of understanding in the present.

Not always did I find that people were open to hearing about my mother-- Bree is one of those people. Bree and I worked together. She was diagnosed with Lupus around the time my mother was, so I introduced the two of them. I never told Bree much about my past with my mother, but I told her a little during times of estrangement (my mother went through 5 year cycles until 2004 where we have remained estranged). Her point of view was that my mother couldn't be that bad because she had a tough mother too. Her opinion was to suck it up and accept my mother as she's the only mother I have.

Now, I was under the guise that when you're in a relationship with a BPD, the relationship is so very convoluted and complex that to understand the dynamics, the outsider must know all the history, stories, and interactions to fully comprehend the dynamics (that is, until I met others with BPD mother and boy oh boy, we totally understand each other with very little words!). Easily, a listener could take one instance out of context and assume the story is petty without hearing what led up to the instance. Many times I didn't even bother to talk about an occurance if someone didn't know the previous history. Peg Streep, in the book Mean Mothers, describes how Diane doesn't feel good talking about her mother because she's afraid people will think she's exaggerating. I completely understand this point, have felt the same way, and empathize with Diane. Streep continues with how "complaining makes me sound crazy or worse".So, with the case of Bree, she never got the full picture of what transpired between my mother and me through the decades.

In the long run, Bree took my mother's side during the last estrangement. My mother tried to enlist as many of my friends, colleagues, and family members as she could against me, her target of rage (Understanding the Borderline Mother: Enlisting Allies Against Her Target of Rage). She wasn't successful except with Bree, which I didn't know that they had always had a strange alliance behind my back. Bree took her side in a very sneaky and devious way, trying to fish information out of my friends and me to report to my mother-- until one of my friends caught on and the gig was up.

"Others may believe the BPD's allegations of mistreatment because of the intensity of emotion. Misinformation is calculated and constructed in order to destroy the victim's reputation. Those who do not know the true situation may not notice inconsistencies in the BPD's story. It is difficult to verify the truth because the intensity of the emotion dissuades others from asking details" Lawson (p, 141). I believe Bree believes the allegations because of the calculated and constructed nature of the misinformation as well as she never knew the background of my mother and my relationship dating back to my childhood. Plus, I think Bree's belief in what my mother was purporting was self-motivated as well, as Bree needed to save her own reputation.

Having freed myself of the toxicity and dysfunction of my BPD mother and NPD father, I was not at all disturbed by the loss of a drug addicted, ex-coworker who aligned herself with my mother. I have many readers who tell me about how their BPD mother tries to turn friends and family against them. My reaction is so be it... you can't politic, trying to campaign to keep people voting for you. If they chose to believe something, that is their choice. Life is too short to worry about who believes who. I have freed and will continue to free myself from those who are negative and drag me down... and Bree was one of those people. I am completely blessed to have so many wonderful people surrounding and supporting me.

Regardless if you are a child, reaching out to an adult for validation or help ... or if you are an adult, trying to synthesize your past into a usable narrative... not having the listener hear you or understand you can be quiet frightening if you are a child and frustrating if you are an adult. As a child, an enlightened witness certainly is a perfect scenario as this person provides an outlet for the child to speak to and an outlet for the child to find validation. As an adult, having a person to trust and confide in provides an incredible place to take some weight off of your shoulders. A good friend who understands is worth more than anything. I pray each of you that needs someone to hear you.. And if you need someone to bounce a story or two off of, you can always email me.

References:

Understanding the Borderline Mother by Christine Ann Lawson

Mean Mothers by Peg Streep

Mean Mothers, Overcoming the Legacy of Hurt

2011-08-08T16:46:00.000-07:00

I just finished Peg Streep's book, "Mean Mothers, Overcoming a Legacy of Hurt" and have mixed reviews about its content. Although many profound & poignant passages were contained, much of what she wrote was so generalized and simplified. I think her point at the beginning of the book on page 34 that she's "deliberately excluded stories of mothers who seemed to suffer from a definable mental illness" (which includes personality disorders) was a injustice as a "mean mother" cannot be 'mean' to the extent described without having a mental illness.

Being 'mean' to the point of damaging your child cannot occur without a mental illness. These mean mothers and their problems that are thrust upon their child throughout life are not normal. Even a mother who has bouts of lacking confidence, frustration, insecurity, etc would NOT be 'mean' through an entire child's life. Streep is off-base ignoring the fact that these mothers have mental issues. Yes, she talked about the 'mean mothers' backgrounds or their selfish qualities, but that is not enough-- a mean mother who damages her child has pathological and psychological (mental) issues.

She alludes to "broken" mothers at one point, saying "a healthy mother is wired to respond to the love an infant offers, but if she is broken, she can't always do it, and things get very screwed up." If a mother is "mean" and "broken", can't one conclude that the mother is not of sound mind? Therefore, aren't these mothers who are creating a "legacy of hurt", mothers who are mentally ill ? She also states on page 193 that "if there is a single common attribute to be attributed to the unloving mothers we've met in these pages it's their lack of awareness, their inability to be conscious of the effect and the import of their words and gestures on their daughter's development, and, for most of them, their incapacity or refusal to take responsibility for their actions." First of all, this is not one single common attribute. She listed three; however all three of these qualities relates to low emotional intelligence. Previously, I analyzed The Borderline & Emotional Intelligence as well as The Narcissist & Emotional Intelligence.

Another note is that because she's covering such a broad topic ("mean mothers"), having an account of only a handful of people is not sufficient. If she was covering BPD mothers with a few personal stories, then narcissistic mothers with a few stories, then bipolar mothers with a few stories, then histrionic mothers with a few stories, etc-- each of those few stories would be enough to back up the sub-topic. But having only a few stories to back up the "mean mothers" topic is not sufficient.

Starting around page 50, Streep begins to describe "beyond the mother myths: real women" which from the descriptions that were presented, these mothers appear to be highly narcissistic and witch like. She describes the annoyed and angry mother that is unavailable for her daughter during times of need (sleepless girl: page 51), the controlling mother (forcing naps, what to wear, who to marry: page 53), the lack of an authentic relationship with the mother (fraudulent: pages 54-55), and not allowing affection into the relationship (no hugs: page 63). These mothers are not exhibiting healthy, happy, and respectful behaviors-- they may be real women but they are not normal women. These mothers are exhibiting dysfunctional behaviors typical of mental illness.

Peg Streep didn't allude to if she thought her mother was mentally ill or if her mother had been diagnosed with a mental disorder, but from what Streep described, her mother fit the framework of a not only a narcissist but a borderline mother. She comments about how her mother didn't have "it in her to love, so in the end she lived her life with what she had inside her. I think she was simply an unhappy person all her life, and I was the easiest one for her to take things out on" (page 176). This "unhappy" person could be described as "depressed" , or in other words, experiencing depression (mental disorder).

On another topic, the sections about fathers and then siblings were much too generalized and didn't delve into step & half brothers / sisters, broken families, ready-made families, step fathers, and how the mother chooses / works these fathers pathologically against the children. I have three fathers, each has been used in some shape-or-form by my mother, depending on her agenda. My mother used the first father to escape a living situation. I was born into this escape. Once she was done with him, she married her high-school sweetheart, and father #1 was erased from the photo and baby albums. Then father #2 was attempted to be erased when father #3 came into the picture. Father #2 became what Streep describes on pages 93-94 where he never really asks about my life in any sense, was emotionally unavailable, and showed absolute loyalty to my step-mother. Father #3 was the one described on page 95 who was weak and never stepped in to protect me from my mother's wrath. I found little with which to relate in these father and siblings sections, especially the siblings section where our family was torn-apart and destroyed by divorces, re-marriages, and Parental Alienation Syndrome.

I think if she went more into depth about "overcoming the legacy of hurt" as her title suggests, the book would be more effective. She went into great depth into analysis of the mother due to cultural or generational elements and then covered the siblings & fathers in a very generalized / vanilla approach, and only touching on how to over-come. I would have liked more stories from women who overcame the legacy of hurt... more stories from more women from more varied types of 'mean mother' experiences rather than generalized descriptions of the 'mean mother' herself. She touches on the hole or void that a lack of mother-love leaves again around page 163. I thoroughly enjoyed these passages and her conclusion that "each story of healing is unique, though the broad outlines of daughters' stories often share much in common". That validation-- reading about others who have walked the same path as yourself-- is so very healing and results in such peace-of-mind. This validation is immeasurable.

Another section that covers the ability to overcome the legacy of hurt is when Streep discusses bringing a child into the world. Her words resonated with me as I felt the many feelings she experienced when I had my child. She reiterated what I've had family and friends remind me of my entire life, "you aren't your mother" (page 169). My mother treated me as if I was an extension of herself, and I disliked that VERY MUCH-- so much, that at a very young age, I would ask my grandparents if I was like my mother. And they would very kindly and delicately tell me that I am my own person, distinctive and separate from my mother. Since I had a child, I have always viewed her as her own person as Streep did with hers (page 184), "From the moment she was born, I tried to see my daughter whole-- not as a reflection or an extension of me or my hopes and dreams but herself". I couldn't have said that any better.

Streep chose no-contact with her mother due to her pregnancy, and I applaud her for that as her mother was a 'known danger'. She wanted to "undo what generation after generation of mothers" in her family had done to their daughters. My estrangement (Little Women 2004) happened years before I got pregnant but I did have an epiphany once my child was born where I realized the profound finality of the estrangement as I realized the depth and breadth of what had transpired. I had a baby, my mother was not informed and included with the pregnancy & birth, and I am not allowing my mother to inflict emotional / mental damage to her as she did to my brother & me.

Streep also speaks of how much she loves her daughter and how she thought "my mother must have loved me" (page 170). I never had that thought; however, I contemplated how much I love my child and how much I want her to have the best, experience everything, and be protected / shielded from negative aspects of life... which led me to the thoughts of what my mother put me through and how in the world could she do that to her children! The answer is simple: mental illness. Again, the question of whether Streep's mother was mentally ill, but regardless, Streep cut off contact with her mother and vowed not "make her mistakes". I am not sure that "mistakes" is the correct word for what our mothers put us through. A mistake is more like yelling out of frustration every once in awhile or not being patient with your child during trying times... but for consistent and constant events that ultimately effect the adult child of the mother are more than mere "mistakes".

Streep presents another topic that I want to expand upon on this blog which is how people can't fathom that a mother is **that** bad. Therefore, as a child, people don't realize the abuse (mother is sticky sweet to the public and a witch behind closed doors) and as an adult, people can't imagine the stories are actually not exaggerated or contrived (people feel the mother should be given credit for doing the best she could regardless). Streep talks of how daughters of mean mothers are silenced because of this syndrome, and thus, the "myth of mother love requires the daughter to maintain her silence" page 13. She describes how Diane doesn't feel good talking about her mother because she's afraid people will think she's exaggerating. I completely understand this point, have felt the same way, and empathize with Diane. Streep continues with how "complaining makes me sound crazy or worse". Later in the book, she states that in the court of mother -daughter conflict, it's usually the daughter who is on trial (page 24) and thus an additional reason the daughter is not given the credibility or consideration like the mother. I also agree with that point. The mother is the elder, the mother is the one who is supposed to be nurturing, protective, and maternal, and the child is supposed to be learning from this adult. The burden of proof lies with the child.

I liked how she effectively and efficiently defined and discussed the attachment theory (page 46). I also really enjoyed reading about the EARNED attachment (page 48), which I think defines where I have come from. She describes how making sense of childhood experiences and understanding how those experiences affected development, one can move from an "insecure" to "secure" functioning of the mind. I am able to tell coherent stories of childhood (as evidenced by this blog) and put events into meaningful contexts and to reflect on those experiences (even the negative ones). I have spent decades searching, making sense of, and trying to understand my childhood and beyond. My experiences have made me stronger and made me the person I am today. As Streep concludes on page 198, "If I could speak to my mother one more time, I'd say this: 'You didn't mean to, but you made me stronger and more aware than I might otherwise have been'" which I have the same conclusion with what I have experience with my mother and Dad.

In contrast, my brother's way of dealing with his experiences has not been with trying to understand or come to terms. He has claims not to remember childhood experiences, offers little detail, and has little sense of how the past has contributed to the present (other than to blame and be the victim). He, in turn, has not been successful with relationships, has been clinically depressed, and has struggled through out life. He exhibits insecure attachment which has not been turned into earned attachment.

I would have liked to read more about estrangement and the "taboos associated with cutting off ties to her mother" as Streep mentioned (page 14) but doesn't expand much except with an anecdotal paragraph and a story of Cathy (page 15) who went back to speaking to their mothers after 14 years only to subject herself to the same exact conditions that led to the estrangement in the first place. My 5 year on / off cycles with my mother revealed the same results which ultimately led to the permanent estrangement starting in 2004. She does mention "divorcing" her mother as a "lifesaving strategy" which leads to one of the most heart-felt and chilling statements in the entire book (page 16), "There is always a hole in me that needs to be filled and can't be. Not the love of four kids or my husband of twenty-odd years or my friends fills it. It's always there, like a tear or a hole in fabric. You can put threads in to repair the weave--the threads of other relationships-- but the hole is still there." And thus, the reason I purchased this book.

One of the most powerful moments in the book is when Streep gets the call from her brother that her mother is dying (page 31), the comment from him that he thought she might want to come see her, and the decision Streep makes. I was on the edge of my seat, wondering what decision Streep would make. Recently, my mother has been very ill and heading to kidney failure and possibly a limited life span-- thus these considerations have run through my head. What would I do if I got that call? I haven't seen her in 7 years at this point. Why would we communicate on her death-bed if we don't communicate on a normal day? Why would communicating on her final days change anything that has transpired, the actions she has taken, or the actions I have taken? Ultimately, Streep's decision and her feelings about her decision mirror what I concluded to do. Powerful passages that, as Streep says, "testifies to what can happen when a mother can't love her daughter in the way she needs to be loved" (page 33).

The ending of the book is very strong. She really hits home with a statement after the birth of her child, "my own history didn't disappear, but it did lose its power over me" (page 180). Possibly the fact that she cut her mother out of her life at this same time might have given her this sense of relief? But I do know that being estranged from my mother and then having a child really allowed me to 'see' what is so very precious and important in life. The birth of my child really put life into perspective, allowed me to see my past experiences through different eyes, and permitted me to give someone so much that I never had. Having this unconditional love of a child compounded with the love of my husband allowed me to accept the past, leave the past in the past, and be content with where my life is right this second. Streep states on page 181, "Yet it opens the door for a woman to overcome a bad past or escape the fate of repeating it by way of the psychological work she has accomplished in understanding, putting into perspective, and rendering coherent her past, especially her experience of being mothered. " Amen.

Dysfunctional Family Dynamics Continue: My Brother Visits

2011-08-08T12:50:00.000-07:00

I missed my brother. I hadn't seen him in over 10 years and although I know the mess that he is (Adult Child in Crisis and Antisocial Personality Disorder), I still missed him. My husband and I had planned to go up to see him several times through the last couple of years, but either money was tight or my brother was a bigger mess than ever. Trips were planned then rescheduled but we had intent on going up to see him.

We wanted to go up to see him on his turf, that way we had control of our environment and what our child was / wasn't exposed to. I felt more comfortable going up there and staying in a hotel than bringing him down here where he would be in our home and we could be put into awkward or compromising situations (drugs, his behavior, etc).

Push came to shove, and more years passed without getting to see my brother so one day when he and I were texting, he mentioned how he was free to come visit. I found cheap plane tickets, got the approval of my husband, and boom, the tickets were purchased by me (my brother made it clear he had no money to pay for plane tickets, but flying him down here was cheaper than flying all three of us up there).

Pretty much right after I bought the tickets, I started having remorse about bringing him down to our home because he immediately started with the parties he wanted to attend, where he needed me to drive him, and more. As a side note, we live about an hour away from all the things he wanted me to drive him to. I also started to fret about whether or not he'd bring drugs into my house. The icing on the cake was when he announced, point blank, that he would be arriving with "no money". Say what!? I just bought the plane tickets and now he's announcing he would have "no money".

I ended up crafting an email that I sent to him, specifically laying out all expectations and rules, as well as what we are willing to do and not do. I started off with stating he WILL bring spending money. I added that we won't be taxing him around but if he wants to attend functions he can arrange rides or take a taxi (boy, that would be expensive from where we live!). I also explicitly said that he will not bring drugs into our home for many reasons. He received the email stating "these things didn't need to be said" but agreed to all conditions. Shew, thank goodness that was over. Or so I thought.

Now, when I picked him up from the airport, that was WONDERFUL. He was very warm with me and with meeting his niece for the first time. And our first bit together was wonderful as well. We had big laughs, fun times, and lots of smiles. That was until I received an email from a mutual friend that knew my brother was in town and wanted to let me know about his shenanigans behind my back with my mother. She detailed how he had been emailing my mother pictures of my child even though I strongly stated since her birth that I didn't want him to do so. She also said that he was bad-mouthing me to my mother in order to get in her good favor so she'd buy him things and send him money. She forwarded a few emails that she was included in the communications. I was FLOORED, HEART-BROKEN, and CONFUSED.

I know that my brother is a con-artist. I know he manipulates for survival. AND I knew I wasn't immune to his games. BUT I didn't think he would stoop so low as to include my child. I was up all night trying to process the information I received and to rectify how I was going to proceed with my brother at my house! I decided not to tell my husband of the betrayal as I didn't want him to be angry or have tension during my brother's stay. And I also decided not to say anything to my brother and to carry-on as if nothing happened.

Interestingly enough, the next day, my brother receives a text-message from my mother that she knows he's in-town visiting me. She was very mad at him. Apparently he had told her that he was coming to visit me then told her the plans were cancelled and then never told her that he was actually coming (he did this with Dad too). She found out he was in town with me and flew off the handle, texting him numerous times to "f*&k off" He burst into tears as we sat on the deck of my house, screaming loudly that he wishes she would just die and let him be. What!?!?

Due to having his financial security cut-off from his mother, he ended up texting Dad the next day to tell him that he's in town. My brother told me that his goal was to hit him up for some money. They made plans for lunch. Interesting and BIZARRE (yes, there is that word again!), my Dad made my brother walk up the street to meet him rather than to drive down my driveway. I know NOW why, but then I didn't. I was puzzled as I was going to go out to greet him, be cordial, and see if possibly we could progress from there-- break the ice, so to speak. I know now my weakness was not a good thing. Staying strong is important. Believing in where you've been, where you are now, and where you're going in the future is vital. Read on...

Well, they go out to lunch and upon returning, my brother throws his arms around me and starts to cry, saying, "I love you so much. I appreciate you so much. I know I don't say it enough, so I am saying it now." And he kept hugging me so hard. I was baffled as to where this behavior was all coming from, and I KNEW that the behavior was a case of "he who protests too much." But the how-who-why-what-when was yet to be seen.

That night I get an email in the middle of the night from my sister-in-law:

Hi Gretel,

I left you a voice mail message. I'm concerned how your brother is treating your family situation and I feel that I need to step in at this point to let you know that he's possibly taken advantage of your generosity for his own advantage. I wanted to give you a heads up that he's said some things to possibly make your family situation worse with your relationship with your Dad & step-mother.

Not that it is remotely my place due to the fact I'm a total outsider when it comes to your family's situation but the last thing I want is for your relationship with your Dad to become any more strained because of false pretenses presented by someone with their own agenda.

I love you dearly and I want to make sure that you protect yourself and yours over anything else. I very honestly and truly hope that you and yours are doing well and wish the best on you. You're good people!

I haven't told (my step-brother / her husband) that I've let you know my overhearings and he'll be totally pee----eeeed off if he finds out so please try to keep me out of it best you can otherwise I'll be meshed into the drama and cycle of issues too.

WOAH! My heart was racing a million miles an hour and my head was spinning. What is my brother doing to my family and me under my own roof!?!?! I immediately called her back. She was very quiet as she didn't want my step-brother / her husband to hear what she was saying. She started with the fact that my brother called my step-mother (the one who hasn't spoken to my brother in a decade, the reason my brother didn't attend my wedding) to tell her that my home is out-of-control, my child is spoiled, that my husband & I are "horrible" parents, and much more. I was astounded.

My sister-in-law told me a little of what was said but not much. She simply wanted me to be aware of the dangerous things my brother was spreading about my family in order to get money from my Dad. He apparently made the situation at my house appear that we forced him to spend his money doing all of these kiddy things for our "spoiled" child that he had no money left. And I suppose once he got on a roll and had the attention of the people he's wanted the attention from for so long, that he kept embellishing, building on the fabrications, and created a huge lie that caused my Dad and step-mother to go hysterical.

But hysterical? Really!?!? Why would my step-mother be interested in my business if she hasn't for the last three years? Why would my step-mother take any credence to what my brother is telling her since she has no respect or trust with my brother? The answer lies into everything they are about-- how they've conducted themselves since I was a small child. These people are taken with their own importance (My Dad, the Narcissistic King) and are so insecure they take so much joy in judging others. They insist upon themselves-- and in the process ruin relationships, create so much damage, and cause pain. They are critical parents who will never be kind or approving.

Well, I didn't hold back any of this from my husband. I immediately talked to my husband about the situation, stating that I felt the desire to take my brother down to the airport and drop him off at a Motel 6 until the end of his stay. How could I even look him in the eye!? How could I even sit in the same room as him? I couldn't say anything as I promised my sister-in-law that I would keep it all to myself (she stated that her marriage couldn't endure the drama that this could potentially create), and I completely respect her request. I truly appreciate her openness and also sense of urgency to want to let us know.

My husband agreed to take him to the airport on the morning of his flight, but the rest of his time with us would be AWKWARD. I concentrated all my attention on my child, but I also felt like I was walking in a fog. The day came for him to leave, and although I was more than ready for this EVIL to be out of my house, I was sad about the goodbye as I know it's not just goodbye for now, it's goodbye forever. I can't allow this type of drama, danger, and dysfunction around my child like what happened to me. I will not have another generation cycle through this confusion. I will not have my child trying to figure out what the heck happened to her during her childhood like what happened to me. My child WILL have a happy, care-free, secure, supportive, and unconditionally loving childhood.

So, any thought of allowing my Dad back into my life, even on the superficial level as I was contemplating, has been completely eliminated from my thoughts. Having my brother in my home created the exact results I feared, except the negative actions weren't what I anticipated. No-one has changed. If anything, they have gotten worse. Life is not a game, family members are not pawns, and all the mean, nasty, and hateful behavior is unacceptable in a life that is so short & precious.

What transpired during my brother's visit was a gentle message from above or my guardian angel to not soften-up.... that where I am in my life has been a hard fought battle and that I should guard that happiness, peace, and contentment with all my might... that my child is precious and that a gift like her needs to be protected. I was given the privilege of looking back for one week at what I left: a narcissistic Dad (My Dad, The Narcissistic King), a nasty Queen mother (Understanding My Borderline Mother), a manipulative con-artist brother (Antisocial Personality Disorder), and more. And I say this experience was a privilege because the lesson was immense, no permanent damage resulted, and evil left my home for good.

Now my sweet and simple life continues :)

My Dysfunctional Family Update

2011-07-06T16:10:00.000-07:00

So, I thought I would update you all since my last official 'update' was mid-2009 where my Dad hadn't been in contact with my husband, child, and me for 6 months (What Makes My Narcissistic Dad Tick) and my mother had been meddling in my & my brother's affairs indirectly and directly: part one, two, three. Also during this time, my brother went through a crisis, where he alluded to suicide (Adult Child in Crisis with Personality Disorder Parents) and I wrote him a heart-t0-heart letter (Antisocial Personality Disorder: Letter to my Brother).

Since then, my Dad has made no attempt to contact me to see his grand-child (my child) since Christmas 2008 when he got upset that my husband's parents came into town and "ruined" his Christmas because we couldn't come to his house for Christmas. We had invited him to come to our house, and at the last minute, he cancelled via email. We haven't heard from him since. He hasn't tried to see his grand-child (my child) nor tried to cultivate any type of relationship. If he is upset with me or my husband, that is one thing. But to take out his anger on his grand-child is very pitiful and utterly unacceptable.

In regard to my mother since 2009, she and I have remained estranged, and she has made no attempt to contact me. She has, however, become close to my half-sister (my mother's first of three husband's daughter who my mother never knew personally until my mother & I became estranged in 2004). She claims that my half-sister has the same sense of humor and similar interests to mine. I truly think my mother is trying to replace me with this person, which is very creepy and strange. What is additionally creepy and strange: that my half-sister is receptive to my mother when she has her own family (mother, father, brothers, husband, kids).

My brother during all of this time has been battling depression and anxiety. He has yet to hold down a steady job and continually manipulates Dad and mother for money, cell phone service, computer service, etc. He's come to the realization that he's in his 40's now and hasn't made a life for himself. He's a self-proclaimed liar and continues to lie for monetary benefit predominately.

On my end, the last two years has been peaceful. The lack of drama is perfect, the fact I don't have to figure-out contorted mental puzzles is awesome, and life is sweet & simple. Having the manipulations, dysfunction, and toxicity out of my life is something I had been attempting to achieve for decades, and now I have it. My child is growing up in a loving atmosphere that is steady, consistent, and predictable with lots of life lessons, fun, education, and support. My husband and I made every day an adventure and surround our child with so much happiness that the sun shines even at night.

Next, my brother comes to visit... what a perfect reminder of what I have left and how far I have progressed.

Divorcing Your Mean Mother

2011-07-06T10:59:00.000-07:00

As a result of the Casey Anthony trial and all the talk surrounding it, I have discovered a new book ("Mean Mothers" by Peg Streep) with a wealth of information regarding daughters of 'mean mothers'. The author shares her experiences and what she's done to handle her 'mean mother'. I also found that this book been a topic of conversation on BPD Family because much of what Peg Streep discusses correlates with the BPD mother (or the sociopath mother, Casey Anthony).

One very poignant section in "Mean Mothers" by Peg Streep is about estrangement, which I frequently get questions about (how to, how long, how to carry on, when does the hurt end, etc) as follows:

But for some daughters – myself included – "divorcing" my mother was the only way I could move forward into a healthy future.

Most daughters who've broken with their mothers acknowledge that this is less a "solution" than a life-saving strategy which only offers partial healing. Whether the separation from a mother's ability to hurt and inability to love occurs because of "divorce" or death, the result falls very short of perfect. Terri's mother died when she was eighteen, ending what had been both a reign of terror and emotional deprivation. But even the abrupt ending wasn't really an ending at all. Her voice low but insistent, Terri tells me," There is always a hole in me that needs to be filled, and can't be. Not the love of my four kids or my husband of twenty-odd years, or my friends fills it. It's always there, like a tear or a hole in fabric. You can put threads in to repair the weave – the threads of other relationships – but the hole is still there."

I know precisely what she means: I will go to my grave, still grieving the mother love I never had and wishing just as hard that I had been born to someone else.

I love what she has to say about the topic, and how she refers to estrangement as 'divorcing' your parent. The term divorcing is one to ponder as we didn't get to select our parent... we were born to her. Due to being born to her, many daughters / sons feel as if they have to remain in a relationship out of respect, religion, or duty. When using the word divorce, the term alludes to CHOICE... that you CHOSE not to take the abuse, dysfunction, toxicity, craziness, manipulations ANY MORE. You chose to separate yourself permanently from the negativity just like you would a spouse.

You do have a choice of what you let into your life.
You do have a choice of what influences you.
You do have a choice of how you allow those around you to treat you.

And by the way, I would rather have the hole of where a mother should fill rather than a hole as a result of continued abuse. One can build a life that is healthy and happy and prosper away from the BPD mother but trying to build a life with an EVER destructive force of the BPD mother is extremely challenging and fatiguing... if not virtually impossible.

What is Childhood Trauma?

2010-12-22T19:00:00.000-08:00

I have always viewed my childhood as 'traumatic' ... not just as a memory but even when the situations where actually happening to me as a young child. I always knew that what was happening wasn't normal, that I was in survival mode, and that I would have some issues to deal with when all the dust settled. I distinctively remember at 12 years old upon the moment of calling the police on my parents for a 'domestic disturbance' (they were physically fighting each other at the front door) that I was thinking, "Deep-six-ing everything in order to get past the moment will result in something coming out later." I could feel in the pit of my stomach, in the depth of my being, that I was getting eaten up by the stress, the drama, and the trauma. I knew that brushing it all aside and moving forward without truly addressing what happened would later haunt my brother and me.

So, for years, I went about life during my parents' long, drawn-out, and viscous divorce which encompassed custody battles, possession wars, and using us kids as pawns (Parental Alienation Syndrome). My parents remarried very shortly (within a year) after the divorce to 'ready made' families, so my brother and I were thrust into these 'ready made' families without having comprehended or adjusted to my parents actually being separated and divorced. The 'ready made' families immediately had riffs, battles, and conflicts, making life even more strained and stressed.

Although my mother will deny that our up-bringing has any effect on our adult life (read Blaming Parents for Our Past), nearly every researcher agrees that early childhood traumas lie at the root of most long-term depression & anxiety, and many emotional and psychological illnesses. Severe traumas can even alter the very chemistry and physiology of the brain itself. I have continually stated that I feel as if my brother's life as a dysfunctional adult is part-and-parcel of his upbringing. My mother and Dad both think that he is solely responsible for his mental state, lack of ability to manage his life, and his depression, lack of motivation, & more.

I wasn't left unscarred from my childhood either. I have battled insomnia during peak times of childhood trauma. I have battled anxiety through out my life, waiting for the next bomb to explode in my family. I have sought acceptance and attention from my parents that I will never achieve in receiving. I have searched, researched, dug, and sought understanding of my past, with which my parents have never assisted (my mother is irrational when speaking of the past, and my Dad 'doesn't remember' because he 'doesn't want to', which neither helps when trying to gain peace with the past).

So what exactly constitutes childhood trauma? Did I actually experience childhood trauma? A seminal 1992 American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) report defines childhood abuse as "a repeated pattern of damaging interactions between parent(s) [or, presumably, other significant adults] and child that becomes typical of the relationship." In addition to physical, sexual and verbal abuse, this can include anything that causes the child to feel worthless, unlovable, insecure, and even endangered, or as if his only value lies in meeting someone else's needs.

Examples cited in the report include:

"belittling, degrading or ridiculing a child; making him or her feel unsafe [including threat of abandonment]; failing to express affection, caring and love; neglecting mental health, medical or educational needs."
The AAP also includes parental divorce in the list of potentially harmful events which can traumatize a child.
Moving home frequently is traumatic for a child (it has been linked to suicide in older children)
Disruptive home life, including having to adapt to a parent's remarriage and being part of a new blended family (perhaps several in the course of childhood).

Reference: What is Childhood Trauma?

Given the information above, my brother and I indeed experienced childhood trauma, namely (1) the repeated pattern of damaging interactions with my parents, (2) parental divorce, and (3) 'disruptive home life' with having to adapt to a parent's remarriage and being part of a new blended family (two in the course of our childhoods). The results are also blatantly clear with my brother who is very depressed and suffers anxiety with panic attacks.

Not only can these childhood traumas cause depression, anxiety, PTSD, ADD/ADHD, but researchers at the CDC have also found that a traumatic childhood can take 20-years off of one's life. The study, which appeared in the November 2009 issue of the American Journal of Preventive Medicine, is the latest in the ongoing 14-year-old Adverse Childhood Experiences Study. The study involved 17,337 adults who became members of Kaiser Permanente, a health care maintenance organization in San Diego, between 1995 and 1997. After visiting a primary care facility at the HMO, they voluntarily filled out a standard medical questionnaire that included questions about their childhood. The questionnaire asked them about 10 types of child trauma:

Three types of abuse (sexual, physical and emotional).
Two types of neglect (physical and emotional).
Five types of family dysfunction (having a mother who was treated violently, a household member who’s an alcoholic or drug user, who’s been imprisoned, or diagnosed with mental illness, or parents who are separated or divorced).

The researchers found that people with six or more of these types of trauma died nearly 20 years earlier on average than those without — 60.6 years versus 79.1 years. In this particular research, neglect was not included. So, a person who has been emotionally abused, physically neglected and grew up with an alcoholic father who beat up his wife would have an ACE score of 4. The significance of the study is that it supports the previous research — that child trauma is an important public health issue, stated David Brown of the CDC.

Research also shows that if a person has one risk factor, he or she usually has another. So, the researchers asked: if risk factors for disease, disability and early mortality aren’t randomly distributed, what influences their adoption or development? In parallel research, the neuroscience community has found that that trauma alters the function and development of children’s brains and nervous systems. Epigeneticists, who study how a person’s experiences turn their genes off and on, have found that trauma can turn on genes that manufacture the chemical stressors that affect the brain.

Traumatized children become hyper-vigilant, edgy, and impulsive with hot tempers. They are unable to focus on their schoolwork, unable to sit still, and regard social interactions as threats. These behaviors can get them in trouble or suspended, and that can lead to engaging in risky behaviors, such as smoking, drinking too much alcohol, workaholism, eating too much, etc., which can affect their health. Each of those descriptors fits what happened to my brother: hyper-vigilant, edgy, impulsive, hot tempered, unable to focus on schoolwork, couldn't sit still, and engaged in risky behavior (smoking, drinking).

Reference: Traumatic Childhood Takes 20 Years Off Life Expectancy

I still believe that one's personality and genetic make-up have a huge effect on who you develop into as a person. Your perspective in life which leads to how you handle your surroundings, thus your stress levels, greatly impacts your health. I recent dove into that topic of Nature vs Nurture And considering that my brother and I both came from the same parents, with the same childhood trauma, and over the same duration, but we both turned out drastically different gives an indication of personality's effect. Regardless of how we turned out as adults and regardless of my mother's and Dad's perceptions of my brother / my childhoods, we did indeed experience childhood trauma: my brother from 7 years old and onward, and for me from 9 years old and onward.

Surviving Childhood Trauma: Nature versus Nurture

2010-12-13T19:56:00.001-08:00

So the other day, I read this piece titled "Children Learn What They Live" which lead into an interesting contemplation about Nature vs Nurture regarding how well an individual adjusts as an adult after a abusive / traumatic childhood. So, what does Nature versus Nurture actually mean? This is an essential issue in developmental psychology and describes the association between innateness and environmental influence in terms of the different aspect of development. This is frequently termed as “nature versus nurture” or nativism versus empiricism. A nativist’s view of development is one that is innate, meaning it is dictated by a person’s genes. From an empiricist perspective, development is acquired through an interaction with the environment. First, here's the piece:

If children live with criticism, they learn to condemn.
If children live with hostility, they learn to fight.
If children live with fear, they learn to be apprehensive.
If children live with pity, they learn to feel sorry for themselves.
If children live with ridicule, they learn to feel shy.
If children live with jealousy, they learn to feel envy.
If children live with shame, they learn to feel guilty.
If children live with encouragement, they learn confidence.
If children live with tolerance, they learn patience.
If children live with praise, they learn appreciation.
If children live with acceptance, they learn to love.
If children live with approval, they learn to like themselves.
If children live with recognition, they learn it is good to have a goal.
If children live with sharing, they learn generosity.
If children live with honesty, they learn truthfulness.
If children live with fairness, they learn justice.
If children live with kindness and consideration, they learn respect.
If children live with security, they learn to have faith in themselves and in those about them.
If children live with friendliness, they learn the world is a nice place in which to live.
Copyright © 1972 by Dorothy Law Nolte

A small discussion that proceed on a social networking site between myself & my friend who is also a mother where you can clearly see the viewpoint fluctuate from nurture versus nature:

me: Key words are tolerance, encouragement, praise, fairness, security, approval, acceptance, and friendship. May I also add: support (which goes along with encouragement above) and love as additional key words.
friend: So true and a great reminder of what we provide as an environment to our children makes them the people they will become.
me: My mother always said that the stuff kids endure during childhood does not have a bearing on who we are as adults. She said that we have a choice as an adult to be whoever, which to an extent is true; however, I do believe that an unhealthy environment has long-term consequences on who we are as people and how we deal with the world around us.
friend: I do have to agree with your mother also. My childhood was not the best and if I lived by the statistics I should be an abusive alcoholic. But thank goodness I chose in my life to be a much different person. So with that being said you could also say that an environment can have extreme result the other way. We can nurture all we want but in the end our children will decide what type of person they wish to be.
me: I know of people who came from the same parental / childhood experiences (nurture) and both turned out different. Personality (nature) plays a huge part in the equation, just as you said.

My friend's first comment reflects how nurture influences a child's upbringing whereas her second comment supports how nature takes over in who we are. After this little thread of communication, I started to think once again about the effects of both nurture and nature. Do children learn what they live or live what / who they are? First of all, I think Nature versus Nurture is much to simplistic thinking to what molds a person into who he / she is. I also think that both Nature and Nurture are influential as you can read in my post Blaming Parents for Our Past

How my brother and I have adjusted as adults after having the same upbringing is an interesting little case study. We were raised by the same parents but have starkly different lives. Our parents, an NPD Dad and a BPD mother who had a nasty divorce when I was 12 y/o and my brother 10 y/o, have been conditional with their love, selfish parents, and wielding of guilt. We were latch-key kids, thrust into ready-made families when our parents re-married shortly after their divorce, and basically left to fend on our own as our parents engaged in their new lives with their new spouses. Both parents were very selfish, focusing deeply on their own lives rather than raising their children. Both parents also placed the children into situations where they expect us to chose one parent over the other. Our mother was continuously emotionally abusive and our Dad was continuously selfish, pushing us aside on a whim.

As far as my personality and my brother's: I am optimistic, happy, and motivated; my brother is pessimistic, depressed, and highly unmotivated-- these traits could be seen from an early age. I have always been a high-achiever, one who aims to please, and an organized perfectionist. My brother? The complete opposite.

So where have our lives led us?

I have a Masters degree; my brother didn't graduate from high-school.
I lived independently as a single business woman until my mid-30's when I eventually got married and had a child.
My brother on the other hand has never lived independently, married young, divorced young, has had four children, and is still struggling to manage his life.

My personality definitely supported me through the abusive, challenging, and tough years. My self-confidence, optimism, and motivation kept me focused on getting an education, realizing the situations were created by my parents (not me), and that life will change (and I can make that change happen). Certainly I was affected by my parents selfishness (I have always sought their approval and love), guilt trips (I have had to overcome feelings of guilt throughout my life, especially inflicted by my parents), anxiety (worry and fear of what they were going to pull out of their hat of tricks next-- what situation will be created that I am the fault of?), and defensiveness (immediately being defensive when my Dad would come at me, which I found out I treated situations outside of my relationship with my Dad the same).

My brother, on the other hand, has always exhibited anger issues, depression, lack of motivation, and a defeatist attitude. Compound this personality with self-absorbed parents and traumatic experiences at a very young age, and this child who was seeking approval, attention, and unconditional love from his parents, spiraled further down into a bad spot. He should have had intensive therapy from a young age but he didn't. Then add the trauma of his parents divorce and the emotional torment of Parental Alienation Syndrome, and you have a nasty mix of bad nature and bad nurture.

I had many talks with my mother about my brother, which she gets very defensive saying she did all she could for him when he was a child. My main point to her is that he desperately needed stability and therapy. Her response is always that the stuff my brother endured in his childhood should not have any bearing on who he is as an adult-- that who he is as an adult is his choice. Well, in my opinion, the situation is not that simple. My brother needed medical attention as a child and didn't get it. The medical attention (therapy) would have provided tools and mechanisms that my brother could have used to manage his life and deal with the idiosyncrasies of family life and more. Additionally, both my Dad and my mother did not offer unconditional love and support for my brother during his teenage years. Rather they cast him aside when his behavior became too tough to handle.

So, on one side you have the biology (nature) of the child: personality, genetic psychological disorders, emotional disorders, and drugs / alcohol effects from the mother's pregnancy. On the other side, you have children effected by nature: emotional & physical abuse, divorce, Parental Alienation Syndrome, being latch-key kids, parents with personality disorders / alcoholism / addictions, and more.

A child could have positive nature with negative nurture and turn out okay (me).
Or you could have a child with negative nature with negative nurture and turn out not okay (my brother).

Or you could have negative nature with positive nurture and turn out not okay as seen in the case with California case: a few years ago a case in California was a headliner and was profiled on the show "60 Minutes". A teenage boy was adopted as a baby, and his adoptive family was very loving and stable by all accounts. The boy had a happy and normal childhood but, unfortunately, when he was 18 y/o he snapped. He raped and murdered a 7 y/o girl, which completely shocked his adoptive parents. From background research into the boy's biological family, his parents suffered from schizophrenia and other severe psychological disorders. The adoption agency hid this from the adoptive parents. Even the boy admitted in an interview that his upbringing or his parents was optimal and that he just had something wrong with him. He blamed himself 100% for the crime.

Some psychologists agree that Nature and Nurture are both major influences to behavior development. Psychologist Robert Plomin said, "But the genetic influence on traits and behaviors is only partial: Genetics account, on average, for half of the variance of most traits. That means the environment accounts for the rest." Nurturing and our environment can alter the effect of our nature (our genes we inherited) if the influence is strong enough. Nature and Nurture mingle and influence traits of everyone. Our genes are important because what we have inherited is essentially the basis of what kind of person we are, but the environment can alter and develop a person even more.

In my opinion, without positive nature (meaning the child is negatively effected by nature), enduring and coming out okay after negative nurture is going to be a very challenge battle. However, if the child has a positive nature, developing into a productive and well-adjusted adult is less of a challenge. And as you saw in the example of the adopted boy in California, nature has a significant impact even if the nurture was positive.

With as much as my parents think that my brother can just make a choice to turn his life around, I believe his mental illness combined with post-traumatic-stress-disorder from the childhood trauma make managing his own life virtually impossible. And on the flip side, people are always asking me how I came out so well-adjusted, happy, and positive after all the trama I have been through with my parents, and I always answer that I have been happy since birth... and that I thank God for allowing me to know I was not responsible for my parents' actions.

What Happens After No Contact ?

2010-06-05T13:45:00.000-07:00

I think some good information has been given already about HOW to go no-contact. I want to address a different question: "When all is said and done, what will life look like, now that I'm not in a relationship with the BPD?"

When the emails finally stop coming, when the notes on your car disappear, when the phone finally stops ringing, and any necessary restraining orders are in place, what happens next?

I've been NC for nearly four years now. I speak from the experience of being a child of a uBPD/uNPD marriage, so your situation may be different. However, I think these tips can help anyone who's returning from Oz and trying to re-adjust to life on Earth.

1) When the BPD relationship goes away, don't expect YOUR habits of reacting to go away.

Eliminating the harsh, difficult-to-navigate relationship with the BPD will bring a lot of relief to your heart. However, all of us as nons developed habits to allow us to cope in these relationships. These include, but are not limited to:

a) being hyper-sensitive to other people's moods
b) rescuing
c) apologizing all the time
d) tiptoeing around others (being afraid to offend others, not voicing our own opinions, changing opinions so that others
will like us, etc.)
e) continuing habits that they ingrained in you ("the cabinets should be organized this way." "Why do you make your
bed that way?" )
f) feeling bored without all the drama that a BPD relationship causes

All of these habits can be conquered, but it will take time, therapy, and practice to do so. You will fail a time or two, and that is completely normal. Just don't expect them to go away simply because the abuser is out of the picture.

2) Perfectionism does not equal "normal"

Now that we have the freedom to pursue healthy relationships, it's only natural that we will want to avoid unhealthy patterns at all costs.

However, we must resist the temptation to fit everything into the mold of what we perceive as "normal." Homes, friendships, relationships, and families cannot fit into the idealized pictures we have in our heads. After being away from "Earth" and in "OZ" for so long, we may be a bit disillusioned when we discover that Earth is not paradise.

For example, my uBPD was my mom, so therefore I try to be a "perfect mom" so that I won't continue in the BPD family tradition. "If the house isn't magazine-perfect, or the clothes not ironed, or the baby not totally happy, then I MUST be just like my mom." That's a lie, but it's still easy to believe.

The truth is that all people--even the non-crazy ones---are imperfect. Everyone makes mistakes, and we will too. In our pursuit of a normal, healthy life, we must not worship perfection. As we return from Oz, we must be gentle to ourselves as we re-adjust to Earth's gravity.

3) Be prepared for "The Nag"

Being in a relationship with a BPD can put you under a pile of negative comments. Both my momster and the other BPD in my life (an ex-friend) had a particular gift for words. They knew exactly what to say that would hurt. LONG after they were gone, as I went about my daily (imperfect) life, every time I would fail, I would hear this little voice pop up and say,

"See, you didn't return that girl's phone call, you really are a lousy friend."
"Your husband isn't home YET? I told you he would leave you someday."
"Oh god, have you not lost that baby weight yet? Your husband's eyes will start roving."
"You're just like your mother--see? Your daughter's crying and you can't make her stop. She won't even eat right."

These awful words do not disappear with the person. I envisioned a witch (with a long, warty nose) who would follow me around and wag her finger at me, telling me all the things I was doing wrong. I named her "The Nag," and I've come to understand that she can stay with me long after uBPD momster and ex-friend have hit the highway. Again, just like #2, I have to understand that no one is perfect,and I am not perfect, even if my uBPD's expected me to be.

We must learn to recognize the lies, and consistently counter these lies with truth. That means saying positive, affirming things to yourself when these lies come at you like flaming arrows. Yes, it feels hokey at first, but as nons, we're often not used to believing positive things about ourselves. We have to start somewhere.

"My husband has not left, he's just at a meeting, and he'll be home soon."
"All kids cry sometimes, and all kids have foods they don't like. That doesn't make me a bad mom."

If you can't turn the lies into truth, at least write them down, and ask yourself, "Would I say this to another person?"

4) Expect others to not understand, and have a plan.

Pastors, neighbors, well-meaning relatives, and perfect strangers may be dragged into your life by the BPD. After hearing his/her sob story, these innocent bystanders will all be more than happy to give you their opinion on your choices. They can spend endless amounts of time and energy trying to persuade you to re-establish contact. After being controlled by the BPD for so long, the words from the others can deeply hurt, and make you doubt your own decisions and sanity.

"But she's your mom. You can't cut her out of your life."
"I saw her, she wasn't that bad."
"Why don't you consider the good times too?"
"Well, there's two sides to every story....." (with the implication that part of it must be YOUR fault as well.)
"The Bible says honor your father and mother."
"I think she might commit suicide if you don't talk to her."

Any suicide threats need to be taken to 911, not to YOU.

As the Non, you must remember that BPD's can present different sides of themselves to different people. DO NOT, under any circumstances, allow someone else's perception of the BPD to influence your decision. They may see a completely different person than the one YOU see.

For your own sanity, document everything. Write down memories in a journal, record conversations if possible, and give yourself the gift of TRUSTING your own perceptions.

If a friend or family member is persistent (and therefore harmful) in their attempts to reconcile the two of you, you should consider going no-contact, or extremely limited contact, with that person as well.

5) Have plans for holidays, family occasions, etc.

The one good thing about holidays is that they typically don't change. smiley Christmas doesn't sneak up on us. Thanksgiving is always in November. Religions that follow the lunar calendar know at least year in advance when they'll be facing a potential family-get-together.

That gives you plenty of time to plan. What will you do? Who will you see? Who will you not see? Who will be attending? Where will we go? And the most important question why are you doing all these things?

It's all-to-easy to subject yourself to unnecessary stress, or even break NC, because:

"It's Yom Kippur, we're suppossed to forgive each other, right?"
"Let's have a little Christmas spirit!"
"This is the way we've done it every year---how dare you make us change it around YOUR needs?"

Family traditions are great, but in BPD-enmeshed families, they're often a dysfunctional dance on eggshells. Take the time to seriously evaluate if you will participate, why you want to participate, and what the consequences will be.

Every year since going NC with my mother, every Thanksgiving has been a no-holds-barred "Get Taylor to talk to her mom" pseudo-therapy session. I finally decided that holidays were suppossed to be celebrated in joy, not obligation and guilt. I decided to spend holiday with my friends and immediate family, and was amazed by the peace I felt.

6) Allow yourself to grieve.

Even though the BPD is gone, the pain and the memories can pop up at the most random places. Just like grieving a death, so many things can trigger memories of your relationship. Processing through this pain allows you to heal. Stuffing or denying the pain also denies you the opportunity to heal, just like ignoring a broken bone. Expecting the pain can make the experience less of a shock to your system.

The first Christmas I spent at my husband's house, I noticed how his mom had made displays of all the awards he had earned in high school and college. There were photos and notes about his accomplishments, and smiling pictures of my husband with his family.

I sat on the bed and wept like a child. I knew that there was no house anywhere on the planet where my accomplishments would be treasured like that, except as a source of narcissistic supply.

At the time, I allowed myself to think, "Aw, maybe I'm grieving because I should be with my BPD." No, that's not true. Grief is a response to a loss, not an indicator that you did the wrong thing. Grief should be looked on as a natural part of this process. Experience it, learn from it, and continue to grow. But do not allow the grief to carry you back into the relationship.

7) Understand that you WILL second-guess yourself....

....but that is NOT a reason to break NC.

Distance from the BPD is a double-edged sword.

On the one hand, it allows us the freedom to think our own thoughts, feel our own feelings, and live our own lives. On the other hand, without the constant reminder of the BPD's presence, it also allows us to forget many of the reasons why we went NC in the first place. Good memories of our time together with the BPD can bubble up to the surface. We can find ourselves wondering if we were intolerably cruel to the BPD, if we were bad children/lovers/friends, or if we were, in fact, the crazy ones.

This is where the journaling in step 4 becomes invaluable. Whenever you start wondering "Should I re-establish contact?" the first thing you need to do is re-read your records of why you went NC to begin with.

Has anything changed? Has the BPD admitted that she has a problem and needs help? Will the relationship be any different, or will the BPD simply use your period of NC as further evidence that you did, in fact, abandon her/act disloyal/break her trust, yadda yadda yadda....?

I was very fortunate. I went NC before I knew anything about BPD, so I was totally navigating in the blind. About every three months (especially when I was pregnant) I would long for my mom with such a deep intensity that it was physically painful.

By the Grace of God, right as I was about to re-establish contact, my mother would pick that exact time to do something stupid. I'd get 5 messages on my voice mail that ranged from friendly (like nothing ever happened) to psychotic--in the space of two hours. I'd get re-engaging phone calls from family members saying that, "Something is wrong with your mom, she needs you right away." No, she doesn't. She just called me chewing me out. She's fine.
This happened five separate times. My husband used to say, "Hey, you're due for another family crisis, it's been 3 months since the last one." :smiley

You will doubt yourself. Count on it. Heck, if it helps, write it on your calendar two months from now: "You'll probably wonder if you should break NC. Don't."

8 ) Take care of yourself.

In her book "Understanding the Borderline Mother," Lawson shares that survivors of concentration camps would shower regularly, even though they knew there was a chance they could die that day. The survivors later said that they could tell who had given up hope, by whether or not that person showered. Lawson goes on to urge people that have survived a relationship with a borderline to "bathe themselves in goodness and light," by taking care of their bodies, minds, and spirits.

__________________________

My friend found this piece as a post on BPD Family: Facing the Facts. The tid-bits of wisdom and guidance that Taylor provides are spot-on, insightful, and has advice that each one of us BPD survivors (or others estranged from family members) can extract. Hope you enjoyed!

Borderline Personality Mother Charged with Aggravated Murder and More

2010-06-03T12:51:00.000-07:00

I have been following the story of this poor little boy (Ethan Stacy) who was 4 years old when his father (Joe Stacy) had to turn him over to the estranged mother (Stephanie Sloop) for visitation rights-- part of the court order of their divorce. Ethan didn't want to go with his mother as he didn't want anything to do with her-- he was scared of her and he thought she had abandoned him. The father had to make him go or else he would go to jail for contempt of court. Ethan flew from Florida to Utah to be with his mother on April 30, 2010. He was reported missing 2 weeks later, and then the mother confessed that her new husband (Nathan Sloop) beat and abused him to death. To top it off, they used a hammer to beat the boy's face so that the police wouldn't be able to identify him.

This story has captivated me as my heart has cried out for the little boy and the father. And I am blown away that a mother could sit back and watch her new husband literally beat / abuse her child to death for two weeks, and then help the new husband to hide the boy (they hid the boy in their house when they ran off to get married, the mother didn't seek medical help when Ethan was vomiting all day and non-responsive, and the mother didn't report the any of the abuse including the burns that her husband inflicted on poor little Ethan). PLUS she got the materials necessary from the store (along with Slushies for herself and her husband) in order to conceal the boys identity when they buried him in a far off location.

Anyway, charges were finally filed against Stephanie and Nathan Sloop for the crimes at the end of May after several weeks of gathering evidence. The Sloops have been charged aggravated murder as well as second degree felony child abuse, second degree felony obstruction of justice and third degree felony abuse or desecration of a body. They are going to be facing the death penalty.

HERE IS THE KICKER>>> I have been following this since mid-May and have been SICK (literally) over what happened to the boy. I followed the boy's funeral and even joined two Facebook groups in support of Ethan Stacy and his father. Now today, during my reading of the case against Stephanie and Nathan, the fact that she was diagnosed with BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER when she was 13 years old was revealed! WHOA! My heart skipped a beat! They also said she was highly narcissistic, a pathological liar, and listed a bunch of typical BPD things she has done in the past. Here's an excerpt from The Salt Lake Tribune:

Stephanie's former friends say she has always been difficult. As a teenager, she would sneak out at night with boys. She once brought a physical abuse charge against her stepfather, a false accusation, according to an ex-friend. The charge was dismissed.

Joe, her ex-husband, says Stephanie's mother once told him she had been diagnosed at age 13 with borderline personality disorder. She often bragged that her purse was a pharmacy, say former friends. "She had a lot of prescription pills from doctors," says Joe. "She'd always know just what to tell them."

Stephanie enlisted in the Air Force, but was other-than-honorably discharged during basic training, says Joe. After a brief early marriage, Stephanie met Joe in Orlando via a mutual friend and married when she was 21.

Over the years, Stephanie sometimes worked as a dancer at strip clubs in Cocoa Beach and Daytona Beach, according to friends. She also dabbled in modeling from a young age, she says on her Model Mayhem website. She claims to have been a Bud Girl and a Jager Girl in bar promotions, and was trying to get into the "Playboy Hot Housewives" special edition last year. But whether that was a real possibility is up for debate. "She is a pathological liar," says Carla Jones, a former friend.

Rodriguez, the mother of Joe's two older children, had a ringside seat for the drama that surrounded Stephanie. Her children lived with Joe and Stephanie for four years; a flight attendant, Rodriguez visited often. Stephanie pulled all kinds of shenanigans to try to make Rodriguez's life miserable, she says. She tried to get her fired, falsely accused her of neglect and bad parenting in custody court and with child services; and cracked into her employee account at Continental Airlines, as well as her MySpace, Facebook and eBay accounts. "Stephanie is not a stupid woman. She's very clever," says Rodriguez. "She always seemed to cover her tracks."

Stephanie insisted Destrian and Alisa call her "mom" and their real mom by her first name, says Rodriguez. She monitored the few phone conversations she allowed between Rodriguez and her children. "She always had to be Number One," says Joe. "She was so narcissistic." Rodriguez says she didn't know, until much later, how much her children disliked their stepmom. Destrian says Stephanie expected him to take care of baby Ethan from the start. Their father was often gone for two weeks at a time, working as a roustabout on an oil rig in the Gulf of Mexico. "She really never changed his diapers," says Destrian. Stephanie would spank Destrian and Alisa with a metal spatula, and whack the backs of their heads with the back of her diamond-ringed hand, the siblings say.

"We felt we were back in the slave days," says Alisa. "She used to make us make her alcohol drinks, clean the pool, clean the bathroom until it was spotless white." Alisa went to friends' houses rather than invite them to her own. "I was afraid she would yell at me in front of my friends," says Alisa. "She yelled for stupid reasons. "She threatened my dad so much it got me mad." When a relative gave Destrian and Alisa laptops for Christmas, Stephanie sold them, says Rodriguez. When their mother sent clothes, Stephanie threw them away. When she sent cash, the kids got empty envelopes. Stephanie wanted people to think of her as the perfect mother, Joe says. "But behind closed doors, it was a whole different story." "I tried to get her to be more of a mother," he says. "But she was not cut out to be a mother....She just is a person with no patience."

After Joe slipped on an oil rig in late 2008, a fall that required surgery to insert two titanium rods in his neck, things got rocky, he says. Stephanie began commuting to Las Vegas to dance at a strip club, and eventually moved there in late spring 2009. Joe intended to move the family to Las Vegas in August, but Rodriguez fought the move because she could not easily fly in and out to see her children.

Joe returned to Orlando with Ethan, and late last year to his home state of Virginia. Destrian and Alisa went to live with their mother in Illinois.Joe filed for divorce in October, and in a motion for temporary custody in November he said Stephanie had abandoned Ethan and was "unstable," and that he feared she would take Ethan and never return him.

For an excellent time line of sorts with details of Stephanie and Nathan Sloop: http://www.websleuths.com/forums/showthread.php?t=105719

Dealing with Estrangement

2010-03-11T12:39:00.000-08:00

I consistently receive questions from readers asking when will they be free of the confusion, anger, sadness, control, and all of those other negative feelings surrounding the abusive parent. No easy answer is available for that question.

You may have wanted to have that loving relationship with your parent your whole life. You may have been seeking that acceptance your whole life. You may have been trying to achieve closeness with that parent, and now, through introspection, research, or some other method, you realize that your parent is unable to give you what you have been seeking. That's a tough pill to swallow.

Another tough pill to swallow is that you really want to be surrounded by loving parents, and the disappointment and emptiness that surrounds you when you either get treated poorly by them or are estranged from them only compounds as time goes on. Our parents were our role models as kids. Our mother is supposed to be our first 'true love'. Our parents are deemed almost perfect in our innocent child eyes. So when we finally come to terms with the fact that our parents are not who we thought they are or that we can't take the treatment anymore and estrange ourselves from them, a hole is left that they used to fill. That hole is very noticeable during holidays, our birthdays, and times when having that family relationship is very welcoming.

As time goes on, the pain eases but I don't think one ever 'gets over' not having a parent in their life who is walking around on this Earth. Let's face it-- those who have loving relationships with their parents don't simply forget their parent when their parent dies. So why would we, who are estranged from our parent, simply forget? We won't-- and we will have to struggle with those times where the wish... the memory ... the what ifs pop into our heads. And at that time, we have to love ourselves enough to know that we have done what is right for ourselves and our loved ones and have faith that we are leading a happier, more peaceful, and more fulfilled life due to our choice.

Having a solid and loving support group around you is so vitally important. During the times of questioning, having these folks around helps to keep your feet on the ground, thoughts in the correct direction, and emotions in check. These folks have your best interest in mind-- unlike the one who from which you are estranged and the estranged's cronies.

So, my answer to those who are just venturing into estrangement or who have been grappling with the pain of estrangement and ask me when will I get over this-- when will I forget -- when will this be easier... I will answer that time eases all wounds, but you will never forget. You will understand and accept-- but you won't forget. This person is one of your parents. You will have to deal with these thoughts, emotions, and circumstances throughout your life, whether the parent is here on Earth or passed on. Seek acceptance-- and keep love in your heart for those who support and honor you.

Stress and External Pressures Amplify Personality Disorder Symptoms

2009-09-01T13:47:00.000-07:00

Personality disorders exist on a continuum from mild (traits) to more severe (disorders) relative to how prevalent and to what extent the symptoms of the personality disorder are demonstrated. While people can live pretty normal lives with mild personality disorders (or more simply, personality traits), during times of increased stress or external pressures (work, family, a new relationship, etc.), the symptoms of the personality disorder magnify and can seriously interfere with emotional and psychological functioning. Those with a personality disorder possess several distinct psychological features including :

disturbances in self-image
inability to have successful interpersonal relationships
inappropriate range of emotion
misperceptions of themselves and the world
difficulty possessing proper impulse control

Personality disorders are a group of disorders characterized by pathological trends in personality structure. In other words, on an ordinary day the individual can display a lack of good judgment or poor relationships, accompanied by little anxiety and no personal sense of distress. Imagine how this can intensify during times of stress and pressure? A personality disorder in itself is an inflexible and maladaptive pattern of behavior on an ordinary day; however, in times of increased stress or pressure, that inability to be flexible and adapt is further amplified.

The rigid and on-going patterns of thoughts and actions causes the individual with the personality disorder to become even more rigid and further spiral into dysfunctional, destructive, or delusional patterns of thoughts and actions. Due to the chronic use of inappropriate, stereotyped, and maladaptive coping mechanisms on an average day, increased stress and external pressures can cause even greater inappropriate and maladaptive reactions. These deeply ingrained and inflexible patterns of relating, perceiving and behaving are serious enough to cause distress or impaired functioning on a typical day-- imagine the result when increased stress or external pressure is present? Now imagine if that increased stress or external pressure is long-term?

My parents have personality disorders (mother= Borderline Personality Disorder; Dad = Narcissistic Personality Disorder). I have had periods of time with each that were copacetic and happy. However, their personalities became amplified, challenging to handle, and increasingly dysfunctional during times of increased stress or external pressure. Holidays, birthdays, and major life-changing events like graduations and weddings have also proven to be times when emotional and psychological functioning becomes further impaired; thus, conflict and challenges erupt and escalate.

Increased stress and external pressures directly correlate with flare-ups of my parents' personality disorders. Whether my mother is exhibiting unhealthy emotional and psychological functioning due to my Dad's business trips, parents passing, extramarital affairs and divorce, child leaving for college, or a child getting married -or- my Dad is exhibiting dysfunctional emotional and psychological function during the divorce (use of Parental Alienation Syndrome), retirement, child moving, or child having a baby, each parent became dysfunctional, delusional, and destructive at times. During major holidays and birthdays, their personality disorders flare-up and frequently conflicts, challenges, and maladaptive behaviors are exhibited Let's compare experiences with my parents against personality disorder psychological features listed above with a few examples:

Disturbances in self-image

When my mother gained weight from her illness, she stopped going out of the house (basically hermit-ed herself) saying that she doesn't recognize herself in the mirror, that she can't believe her husband stays with her because she's so ugly and fat, and degrading things about her body, hair, and face. She didn't do anything to assist with feeling better or losing weight, rather she spiraled into a junk food eating frenzy, obsessively online shopping, hording, and sleeping long periods.

My Dad's image is ingrained in his power, or the sense of power he believes he wields. When he retired, that control over others and the environment was decreased, and thus, he started treating his family like his former employees / clients. His self image is greatly rooted in his narcissistic viewpoints of himself, creating a larger than life persona of himself in his mind.

Inability to have successful interpersonal relationships

My mother is estranged from her sister, son, daughter, step-grandmother, and father. Further, she has a group of friends, and then after a period of time, she completely disconnects from that group and reforms a new group, from which she will later disconnect. When she disconnects, typically she has created a reason (imaginary) to be upset with the person, thus the group because she views them as loyal to the person and not her, and she retreats.

My Dad doesn't see his grandchildren from either his son (my brother) or daughter (me). He sends cards and occasionally presents but doesn't invest in formulating meaningful relationships with any of the 5 children. He does, however, have relationships with his two step-grandchildren.

Inappropriate range of emotion

This category is a BIG ONE in regard to my BPD mother. Her inappropriate range of emotion is brought-on predominately by her BPD's fear of abandonment and rejection: (1) when I was a child and my Dad would go on a business trip, prior to the trip my mother would lock herself in her room and cry about how he can't leave (2) when my mother's mother died, my mother locked herself in a dark room and took Valium. She didn't attend the funeral, which included not taking her two children to the funeral (my brother and me) . When my grandfather died, she didn't attend the funeral either-- nor when her grandmother died at 103 years old did she attend her funeral (3) during the divorce from my Dad, my mother was obsessed with hurting my Dad in court and otherwise, later claiming that **he left her ** since he was the one to walk away after she revealed her affair with his friend (4) when I left for college, she blew up when I returned to town and didn't spend time with her one weekend. She instructed me to not come home for Thanksgiving and Christmas then ultimately left all my possessions on the street. We were estranged for almost a half decade thereafter (5) When I announced my engagement, my mother became enraged and said she was out of my wedding (although my fiance and I hadn't even progressed into the planning stage yet!) when I didn't agree with her ideas of how to handle the extended families. We haven't spoken since.

My Dad's inappropriate range of emotion is avoidance (deep-sixing to avoid or controlling to avoid): (1) after my parents announced they were getting a divorce, my Dad took us to see a movie. My Dad continued to use this distraction technique when stressful situations arose. I always found this very strange that when a huge, life changing situation occurs, we go off to see some comedy at the movie theater-- surreal times. (2) My Dad retired around the time I became pregnant and my husband took a new position. My husband's new position paid higher but was approximately 15 minutes further from my Dad's house. My Dad didn't congratulate my husband but became upset and very critical causing a great deal of distension. He continues to gossip to friends / family about my husband's job change to this day. (3) When my newborn baby cried when my Dad held her, my Dad claimed she's not "normal". He carried on about this every time he saw her, exaggerating to friends / family that he hadn't held her since she was 3 months old... then 3 weeks old... then 3 days old.

Misperceptions of themselves and the world

My mother thinks she is the victim at all times. She also champions campaigns of denigration, is a crusader, and a conspiracy theorist trying to uncover the conspiracy. She has gotten high ranked executives fired, thought that my grandfather was murdered, thought that her father-in-law attempted to kill her mother-in-law, went after her sister in regard to the inheritance from their father, and battled my Dad in court for almost a decade. Additionally, she thinks she is socially engaging when she is actually socially inappropriate (vulgar, sexual, intrusive in nature).

My Dad is highly narcissistic and thus thinks he is much more important in situations and relationships than in reality. He loves when people need him (even if those people are actually using him) and loves to be the center of attention.

Difficulty possessing proper impulse control

This category is another big one in regard to my mother. Her actions and words illustrate her lack of impulse control, ranging back to when she was a young girl. She married her 1st husband to get out of living with her parent. She divorced husband #1 when I was a few months old after she had an affair with her high school sweetheart (his man adopted me and became my Dad). My mother had an affair with husband #2 (my Dad) with his best friend and subsequently divorced my Dad to marry husband #3. She jumped from one college to another, never finishing until her 30's. Also, she is a compulsive spender, buying all sorts of unnecessary items and hording. Additionally, she does not screen what she says causing some very awkward and embarrassing times for those around her (which she is clueless).

My Dad clearly exhibited impaired emotional and psychological functioning (controlling, manipulative, brain-washing, utilizing Parental Alienation Syndrome) during the divorce from my mother. The results of PAS have been long term and very damaging to my brother and me. Decades have passed and we are still sorting-out and coming to terms with what happened to us.

These personal examples are only a few and only superficial in detail. Looking back at my life when the distention arose, I can clearly see a pattern where my parents dysfunction was magnified when times were more stressful and with greater external pressure. Holidays and special events always seemed to be riddled with negativity, judgment, and criticism. Happy times often turned sour due to unexpected and sudden shifts in a parent's attitude, perception, or expectations. I remember so many times feeling crushed from wanting to please my parent but only being saddened by their reactions. Now I understand that their ways of handling stress and pressure was not a result of anything I did-- they are accountable and responsible for their actions and reactions. I also realize that if their personality disorders manifest in pathological trends on ordinary day, then the pathological trends are certainly amplified on stressful and pressure filled days / weeks / months-- so I know what to expect to an extent.

If you are involved with a person that has a personality disorder or trait, keep in mind that increased stress or external pressures can intensify the dysfunctional, already impaired behavior. Understanding that the pathological trends can be even further intensified gives you the ability to prepare yourself.

Childhood Passport Filled with Toxic Guilt Trips

2009-08-24T19:09:00.000-07:00

Ahhh, Those Guilt Trips

I went on so many trips with my parents that I can't even begin to count them. These trips weren't fun trips, however. They weren't vacations, get-aways, or holidays-- these trips were guilt trips. My parents managed to guilt trip me all the way into adulthood. Somehow, I always felt a great deal of responsibility and fault.

With a Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) mother and a Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) Dad, they were both masters at creating guilt trips. I tried and tried and tried to make each of them happy, walking on eggshells, at the expense of receiving none. That 'none' is the toll of living in such a relationship.

Childhood Passport Filled with Guilt Trips

So what exactly is a guilt trip? Guilt trips are about violating boundaries, controlling someone, and a method of manipulating through indirect and passive-aggressive tactics. Toxic guilt is associated with a desire to apologize, make reparations, and be forgiven for something for which you don't have responsibility. Toxic guilt stems from a focus on bad behavior that already occurred, is a negative and confidence crushing feeling, and is a matter of one's conscience. Toxic guilt is a tool used to make someone feel badly.

On another note, guilt can be 'good'. Good guilt makes you pay attention to the feelings of others and makes you feel badly if you hurt someone. It also redistributes emotional distress so that the wronged person doesn’t end up being the only one feeling poorly. Good guilt makes us apologize for wrong-doings and compels us to do things we don’t really want to.

When you're brought up in an environment where you have been unfairly blamed for the wrongs of others, emotionally abused, or pitted against one parent by the other, the adult child may not have the ability to stop feeling guilty-- this is toxic guilt. Absorbing feelings of guilt, accepting blame, and being passive contribute to the guilty feelings. This early pattern of accepting other's guilt creates difficulty with stopping feelings of guilt about the past.

Guilt trips are a very powerful tool, and I had a challenge with guilt trips and toxic guilt from my parents for many decades. In addition to the guilt, I started to have symptoms of anxiety starting in the mid-late 1990's. I believe the anxiety is a result from the long-term guilt I was experiencing compounded by the post traumatic stress that I experienced from the Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS) and emotional abuse from my parents' personality disorders.

As a child after very traumatic experiences I had when my parents were tugging at my brother and me, I distinctively remember thinking , "I know I am handling this stress right now, but long term repercussions will show up later in life." I could feel internally the knots and sickness from the stressful & abusive experiences and buried it all deeply. I was a strong pillar for my brother and myself, but no matter how strong I was, I still had that guilt nagging at me with almost every decision I made that involved my parents. I never felt like I could win-- all the way up to the last estrangement with each parent (mother 2004; Dad 2008)

I have so many stories I could tell about the guilt trips I experienced through out 30 years; however, I have picked out a select few:

I can truly say that I was ripped in half during my parents separation and divorce, initiating in 1979. No matter what I chose, one parent was hurt or rejected. This scenario was not my doing, and my parents shouldn't have created such a scenario; however, they did-- and my brother & I suffered with traumatic, stressful, and decisions NO CHILD should EVER have to make. Choosing one parent over the other is HORRIBLE... and creates a guilt ridden situation that is a no win. To this day, I can't have a relationship with both parents at the same time. Note that my parents will say they didn't make my brother and I choose, and they will also say that we can have both of them in our lives at the same time. The Reality: The truth is that all FACTS surrounding the respective relationships illustrate that (1) we had to choose one parent over the other and (2) how we HAVE NOT had both parents in our life at the same time consistently.
When my parents separated in 1979, my brother and I lived with my mother while my Dad lived in an apartment about 2 miles away. My Dad would intercept me during my walk to elementary school and give me a ride. During that ride, he would cry and tell me how horrible life was without my brother and me. He would proclaim how much he missed us. Seeing him cry and hearing him profess how miserable he was truly played on my heart strings and I felt incredibly guilty for residing with my mother and leaving him all alone. The Reality: my brother and I were subjected to Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS) as children, which this was one of the examples where my Dad inflicted the emotional abuse. With PAS, one parent tries to turn the child(ren) against the other parent.
In 1979 when my brother and I moved into my Dad's apartment, my Dad aided and abetted a heart-wrenching situation at Christmas. My brother and I were supposed to visit with my mother and decorate the Christmas tree. Due to overwhelming feelings of not being loyal to my Dad and also being very scared of my mother due to the PAS my Dad inflicted, my brother and I decided not to visit with my mother. I felt incredibly guilty imagining my mother all alone with the bare tree sitting there surrounded by boxes of decorations. For more on this story, visit Who Dunnit 1980 The Reality: my brother and I made decisions as children based on the severe PAS subjected by my Dad. My mother to this day holds my brother and me accountable as if we were adults at the time making these decisions. Multiple layers of guilt exists with this example.
In the early 1980's, I resided with my mother. She would have me call my Dad with a script of what to say. Additionally, she had the phone hooked up to a recording device. If I didn't follow her instructions, she would berate me on how my Dad is so horrible and how he has taken advantage of her and me. Not wanting to create a miserable living experience with my mother, I would follow her command and make the calls. The guilt I felt after the calls was immense. The Reality: Being a child under emotionally abusive conditions, I should have not felt guilty for which actions I was not responsible. My mother subjected me to Parental Alienation Syndrome (which this example is just one of many where my mother took extraordinary efforts to hurt my Dad), and I felt very guilty about how my Dad was being alienated and treated.
In the late 1980's, my mother and I were estranged; however, she made contact with me by showing up at one of my jobs. My Dad caught wind that my mother was trying to reenter my life. Subsequently, he showed up at one of my jobs to tell me that if I started communicating with my mother again that he would disown me. I mulled over the decision to open communications with my mother, and the guilt that I felt about choosing one parent over the other was very troubling and clouded my thought process. The Reality: Having to choose one parent over the other is extremely heart-wrenching and creates a huge fall-out in one's emotions, as no matter what your choice is, you hurt someone. My parents should have never subjected my brother and me to this treatment from childhood to present.
My mother was diagnosed with an illness in the early 1990's. I had opportunities for incredible career and salary growth; however, due to my mother pleading about how she was so ill that I couldn't leave her, I opted not to take the promotions. Her guilt trips halted my career growth as I felt stifled that any decision I made would leave her deserted in her time of illness and need. The Reality: I am the only one that can to control my life and to manage my life. Making decisions based on the guilt laden statements is not sensible or reasonable-- however, at the time, the guilt trips clouded my decision making and ultimately caused decisions that were not in my best interest.
My mother and I would get together every Monday for shopping and dinner in the early to mid-1990's. If canceled, she would send me on a guilt trip. I rarely canceled as the repercussions were worse than the joy I would have had with the friend / event. The Reality: a relationship based on control and guilt is not authentic. I was always searching for an authentic relationship with my mother and feeling forced into weekly visits with her only furthered the feeling of an inauthentic relationship.
In the late 1990's, my Dad and I started visiting often. During this time, he would slip me money in private. He would always tell me to keep it to myself and not say anything to anyone. I was very touched that he was thinking of me and reaching out to me: planning ahead to give me the money, pulling me away from the rest of the group, and showing interest in me. I felt guilty for the time that had lapsed in our relationship when we didn't have contact. The Reality: I found out years later that the money he was slipping me was from my grandmother's death-- the money that she left me that he never gave me when she passed away. So, not only should I have not wasted time feeling guilty for the time that lapsed in our relationship as I was not the only player in the situation, but I shouldn't have been so gullible to his overly generous gestures. Our prior estrangement was due to my Dad not paying for my college (which he was legally obligated to do per the divorce agreement where he obtained all the equity in the house from my mother in exchange for paying my brother's and my undergraduate college expenses), claiming me as a dependent after I had not resided with him for 8 years which prohibited me from attaining scholarships & grants, and dropping me from the group car insurance without telling me until I discovered I was driving with no insurance 6 months after the fact. People don't change, and I gave him too much credit, thus fell for it hook, line, and guilt trip.
When I met my future husband in 2000 and I knew our relationship was going to blossom into a life long journey, I fretted how I was going to handle a wedding. No matter what situation I imagined for my wedding, I felt guilty about the situation in which someone would be placed, whether my birth father, Dad, or step-father, siblings, or mother. No matter what I imagined, someone would be uncomfortable-- and that included me. My wedding was a no-win situation and one that I felt guilty about even before any wedding plans were made. The Reality: In the end, no amount of worry or guilty feelings prevented my mother from flying off the deep-end about my wedding. My mother was ready to be mad at me no matter, and we are still estranged to this day. I should have aimed to please myself and my fiance without worrying about trying to please everyone else as well.

The power of guilt is overwhelming. Guilt can cloud your decision making, lead to anxiety, and make your life your life one convoluted mess. Andrew Vachss in You Carry the Cure in Your Own Heart says: They use guilt the same way a loan shark uses money: They don’t want the “debt” paid off, because they live quite happily on the “interest.”

By the way, my debt is paid. I have stopped feeling guilty. And I can say that the guilt stopped when I took control of MY LIFE and started making decisions that were best for me. I stopped feeling guilty when I reassured myself that I am doing the best I can and that my parents are the ones treating our relationship with carelessness, disrespect, and abuse. Believing in myself and understanding my past have been powerful tools in combating guilt. And knowing that I am leading my life towards my aspirations and vision are incredibly liberating.

The Effects of Guilt Trips

With constant toxic guilt, a series of emotions and altered the state & structure of the brain can be experienced. Guilt can be immobilizing, cause anxiety & insomnia, and affect mental stability. Toxic guilt leads to the mind denying access to natural feelings that are now blocked. The guiltier one feels, the ability to make effective and healthy decisions is decreased.

Guilt can also have many negative effects on not just the mind but also on the body. "Guilt could potentially immobilize you. You can become so overcome by the fear of doing, acting, saying, or being 'wrong' that you eventually collapse, give in, and choose inactivity, silence, and the status quo" James Messina from "Handling Guilt".

How to Stop Taking Guilt Trips

Understand Yourself: be clear about who you are, what you want, and what you are willing to do. Acknowledging each of these assists in dealing with the abuser's agenda. Having this clarity makes you less vulnerable to the control of guilt trips.
Just Say No: communicate your limits and take control when someone is trying to lay a controlling guilt trip on you. Pleasantly agree to disagree. Be prepared for a reaction from the abuser that (1) you are being difficult or (2) attempting to place blame on you for creating a conflict by disagreeing. The abuser may even take the situation so far as to expect you to 'fix' the relationship if the result of you disagreeing throws him / her over the edge-- expecting an apology or promise to not disagree again. Stick to your guns and don't do it.
Echo Back: when someone is trying to take you on a guilt trip, echo back what is being communicated to you. For example, "Are you saying that if I don't _____, then I am not being a good son / daughter?"
Ask for Clarification: use his / her words to flip the situation back. For example, "I have the feeling that you are upset because ______. Is that right?"
Mental Toughness Training: simply put, push yourself over feeling guilty: (1) tell someone how you feel (2) be ready to stand up for your beliefs (3) be ready for the challenges that will come your way (4) let go of the guilty feelings (5) be ready to fight and continue to fight to keep control of the situation
See a Trained Professional: through the use of a psychologists, you can explore why you feel guilty and how to not take those guilt trips anymore

Overcoming guilt doesn't happen overnight, but with practice, a guilt free life is within reach. If you feel guilty again, go over the decision to think and act for the benefit of your mind, body, and soul again. Continue to practice the points above and know that you ARE worth the efforts! Now that I am guilt free from my parents, I can reflect back and see how controlling the guilt was and how my decisions were guided by these indirect and passive-aggressive tactics. In my situation, I wasn't able to truly break free from the guilt trips and toxic guilt until I was free of my parents. Once I maintained no contact, I have had closure-- I am free.

Borderline Personality: Fear of Abandonment and Rejection

2009-08-23T13:26:00.000-07:00

The Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) individual possesses an intense fear of abandonment that interferes with many aspects of his / her life. The fear often acts as a self-fulfilling prophecy as they cling to others, are very needy, feel helpless, and become overly involved and immediately attached. When the fear of abandonment becomes overwhelming, he / she will often push others out of his / her life as if trying to avoid abandonment. The cycle most often continues as the BPD will then try everything to get people back in his / her life and once again becomes clingy, needy, and helpless. The fact that people often do leave the BPD only 'proves' to support the distorted belief that he / she is insignificant, worthless, and unloved. At this point in the cycle, the BPD may exhibit intense and sudden anger, directed both at self and others, as well a difficulty controlling destructive behaviors.

The borderline mother may display dramatic or hysterical behaviors, overreaction to illness and accidents, and dramatic displays of rage or withdrawl. BPD's can self-destruct as a result of fear of abandonment and often use emotional blackmail to control others. Children of BPD mothers often struggle with feelings of shame, anxiety, and guilt. My mother has exhibited all of the above, and as I result I have struggled with anxiety and guilt.

Distinctively I remember several times my BPD mother becoming uncontrollably hysterical in the hospital when I was to leave from visiting. I also remember when my Dad would go on business trips, my mother would become hysterical begging him not to leave her. She also has overreacted to her illnesses through the last two decades, creating a terminal illness situation where she is in dire straits. Yes, she is ill, but not so ill that she can't dust her thimble collection which she had me come over to take care of! And through the years, the mention of my Dad has always thrown her over the edge-- he's been the catalyst of her rage since their separation in 1979. And although the separation and subsequent divorce was between her and my Dad, I have been the recipient of her rage in regard to him. Even the smallest mention of him can send her into a fit of rage. She wields guilt with skillful agility, and she is able to skillfully manipulate your emotions to suit her needs at the time.

My mother and I have been estranged off and on in 5 year cycles for most of my life. During 'good' times, her BPD symptoms consisted of inappropriate social behavior, bouts of depression, impulsive behaviors (shopaholic, over-eating, hording, self-medicating), and unstable patterns of social relationships. During the 1999 - 2004 period, her dysfunctional and critical behaviors were not aimed at me, and therefore, we floated along in a relationship.

I had the opportunity to ask my mother why she became so enraged with the fact that my Dad sent me a box of dishes in 1996-- to the point where she called me a 'bitch' and hung up the phone on me and we didn't talk for almost 4 years. She explained that she wanted to be assured that I could live life without her. She said it was a test. Hmmmmm...

As a side note, I had been living on my own since 1985 (11 years at this point). I don't know why she would feel compelled to see if I could manage without her when I have proven I could live as a single woman for over a decade. If she was wondering if I could emotionally handle living without her, we had already gone that route when I was estranged from her in the 70's and then 80's for periods of time. Her explanation was rather bizarre (there's that word again!) BUT gave me reassurance for what I already knew-- my mother was the driving force behind the explosions of rage, her turn from Dr. Jekyll to Mr. Hyde, and the estrangements.

The estrangement in the 1980's ended after several years when my mother showed up unannounced at my job. I was flabbergasted when I looked up to see her standing there-- and I didn't want to hear what she had to say. I had made it on my own through college, I secured three jobs, I saved up and purchased a car, and I had my own place that I paid for on my own. I was out on my own and doing well, and I didn't feel comfortable letting her back into my life. I gave her a chance to speak her mind, sitting in my car after I got off of work. She said that she wanted to start repairing our relationship, explained that she got "help", and promised she wouldn't do what she did to me again (she became enraged that I came in town from college for a 24-hour period and didn't see her, stating that I don't love her. She asked me not to come home for Thanksgiving & Christmas and put all of my possessions on the street. I had exams and couldn't pick up my possessions so I had to send friends). I decided to let her back into my life after the talk in the car, and our relationship was okay for a period of time.

Prior to our current estrangement (2004 Little Women), my mother and I were getting along. We visited with each other at least two times a month, I was helping her to get her house organized & cleaned (including her illustrious thimble collection), and we talked on the phone often sharing life experiences. If my mother had remained stable as describe, I could tolerate her quirks and maintain contact. I never thought I had an authentic relationship with her, however, as I had to walk on eggshells around her regarding my Dad, my childhood, and any discussions related to either.

My current estrangement started mid-way through 2004 when she didn't agree with what my then fiance (now husband) and I were discussing in regard to our wedding. We didn't have any wedding plans; in fact, we hadn't even started doing any planning) In my opinion, the estrangement with my mother didn't occur because she blew up about the wedding-- the estrangement occurred because of:

a complete loss of trust originating from her campaign of denigration (horrible criticisms, lies, exaggerations, and manipulations) against me (Understanding the Borderline Mother: Enlisting her Allies Against Her Target of Rage) and
how she distorted and manipulated the facts of what happened

If she simply expressed her disagreement with my wedding in a controlled and thoughtful manner, the estrangement may not have happened AT THAT POINT. Now don't get me wrong-- the estrangement would have happened as it's happened about every 5 years. SOMETHING would have set off her fuse and caused a blow up to which she would over-react. But the actual conflict, disagreeing with what I had to say about my wedding, wasn't the cause of the estrangement. The estrangement was caused by all of my mother's behavior THEREAFTER that got worse and worse and more bizarre as days when by. After only 24 hours, my mother had already started talking poorly and spreading lies about me & the situation to whomever she could email. Loving and supportive mothers do not treat their children in this manner.

And therein lies the root of the Borderline's tragic personality-- what drives the Borderline's personality is their real or imagined fear of rejection and / or abandonment. Clearly her cycles of depression, manic, and psychotic phases of BPD are evident through her patterns of estranged relationships: myself, her father, her sister, my brother, her three husbands, circles of friends discarded. So, with the wedding being an event where she perceived a potential abandonment, she flipped the situation to where she claims I rejected her... or as she puts it, I 'kicked' her 'out' of the wedding.

More specifically, Borderlines have such a fear of abandonment that they set-up a situation to be rejected. The BPD turns a Dr. Jekyll / Mr. Hyde, seemingly out-of-the blue, around the time that they feel threatened by rejection or abandonment. Along with a huge blow-up that is irrational and not based on reality, the BPD starts a campaign of denigration to turn friends and family against her target of rage (me in this case).

Despite how nonsensical this sounds to you the reader, this behavior is part and parcel of the BPD personality. The BPD is essentially beating the target of rage (me) to the punch by starting a situation that ultimately must end in an estrangement, and in the process attempts to gather the target of rage's (my) friends and family as allies in order to confirm that it's not his / her fault. The Dr. Jekyll / Mr. Hyde transformation accompanied by the campaign of denigration is usually too much for the target of rage (me) to handle; thus the target of rage (me) retreats and the BPD's fears of abandonment come to fruition by all fault of his /her own. The result is an estrangement with the BPD pleading she /he is the victim. The target of rage (me) who went from being idealized to devalued almost instantaneously, is left stunned and puzzled in regard to the Dr. Jekyll / Mr. Hyde transformation.

Even in the absence of my wedding, another situation would have certainly presented itself where my mother would have flipped her lid, and the idealization of me would have instantaneously changed to devaluation. This pattern has presented itself in the 70's, 80's, 90's, and 2000's where my mother would flip her lid about petty or minuscule things ending with an estrangement.

Another point is that the incident that initiates the conflict is not what causes the estrangement. What causes the estrangement is my mother's behavior that progressively gets worse and worse thereafter: anger, venom, hatred, manipulations, gossip, and lies. Trust is damaged time and time again-- until the trust is completely lost. This present estrangement, unlike the other 3, is permanent.

The tragic cycle of the BPD:
fear of abandonment and rejection
resulting in a self-fulfilling prophecy.