The Quiver

Drown

noreply@blogger.com (Diana) — Fri, 02 Sep 2011 22:23:00 +0000

I don't care about material things. My phone is not fancy. My clothes are not expensive. I have no desire to own a Mercedes or a swimming pool.

But as a physical being in this tangible world, I do own some stuff - books, jeans, shoes, a lamp, a bed - that I use in daily life, items seemingly necessary to get by. And there are a handful of things I've hung on to that have some sentimental value, such as my bookbag from kindergarten, and notes passed between friends in middle school and high school. All of these things and more, much more, I had to move out of my room, which, because of where it's situated in my house, was bound to flood from the heavy rains of last week's hurricane.

As I emptied my room entirely, I realized that I don't want any of the things I saving. They are all worthless. I don't want my gym sneakers or my blankets or my college notebooks. My yearbook? It can disappear. Those cassette tapes filled with old songs and my young voice? They can be destroyed. The few clothes I have from when I was a baby? Let them drown.

I want to lose them all.

~~~

I don't have many expectations in life. There are too many variables to consider in this world, so why anticipate things that may not come? I don't know what I'll be doing in a year or a month, and even tomorrow is fuzzy. I may not be alive for any of these days anyway, so why bother planning for them?

But as a thinking, feeling being in this world of ideas and people and experiences, I can't help but expect a few basic things to be certain - that a coworker will laugh at my joke, that a friend will remember my birthday, that my words will be understood - things seemingly reasonable to believe. Beyond that, I've only hung on to a few humble ideas of sentimental value, ideas thought up by seeing the good around me and believing in it, even when reason told me not too.

As I recently emptied my mind entirely, I realized that I didn't want fantasies anymore. They are all worthless. I don't want visions or wishes or desires. Long-cherished figments sprouted from words read in a book full of life? Let them be devasted, pulled out by the roots. Little dreams born of song lyrics and kept alive for years by their melodies? They can die to the harsh tune of reality. Small hopes lit by the sparks of truths whispered in the blackness of night? Let them be put out by the darkest of deluges.

I want to lose them all.

Going Gluten-Free

noreply@blogger.com (Diana) — Wed, 23 Feb 2011 02:15:00 +0000

Okay, first things first: if you are gluten intolerant, as I am, you must follow a totally gluten-free diet for life. There is no alternative if you want to restore and maintain your health.

Additionally, if you want to go gluten-free for some time to see if any of your health symptoms improve, you must also eat totally gluten-free. If you are not careful and accidentally eat gluten, or if you "cheat," then your body will still be reacting to the gluten, making your diet practically pointless. You also need to follow it for a lengthy bit of time (I'd suggest at least 3 months) because some symptoms will take longer to resolve than others.

Gluten is a protein found in wheat, rye, barley, most oat products, and a few other rarely eaten grains, such as spelt. If you are gluten intolerant (and some research says 40% of people are, but don't know it), your body has a serious, dangerous, immune reaction to this protein, so you should not eat any of these grains or anything that is made of these grains. So, for example, you can not eat any bread made of wheat, or pasta made of wheat, or cakes, cookies, pies, etc. made of wheat, or breadcrumbs made of wheat.

So what can you eat? So many things! Gluten-intolerant people can have fruits, vegetables, meat, poultry, dairy, eggs, seafood, legumes, nuts, and non-gluten grains such as rice, teff, millet, and quinoa. Basically, almost everything! Or whatever your health and/or food philosophies allow you to eat.

Then where's the difficulty in going gluten-free? The problem is that gluten is everywhere, and you must be constantly vigilant that you don't consume it.

You can think of gluten-containing foods as divided into 3 tiers. The first consists of the obvious foods, usually made of wheat: breads, pasta, cookies, cake. The second tier are foods in which gluten is in the secondary ingredients, foods you may not associate with gluten right away: chicken nuggets, a salad with croutons, tabbouleh, chicken noodle soup. And then there is the third tier, foods that you may not realize have gluten in them: soy sauce, certain brands of ketchup, some kinds of chocolate, certain ice creams, even some tea blends. And the list goes on.

So this is what you do.

First, most of your diet should be based on fruits and vegetables, as well as beans, lentils, and nuts. Not only are these foods naturally gluten-free, but they are essential to good health. Of course, these should be eaten in their most natural, unprocessed state. For example, eat plain almonds or ones that are seasoned only with salt, not ones that are flavored with strange things. Not only are the processed ones full of unhealthy ingredients, but also, if you aren't careful, you run the risk of consuming gluten in one of these ingredients in processed foods. Similarly, those frozen, "sauced," microwavable broccoli packages don't really qualify as "vegetables." Microwaving kill almost all the nutrients in the food, rendering it nutritionally useless, and it warps the structure of food, making it unrecognizable to the body. Moreover, the sauces may contain gluten, and they are usually full of sodium, hydrogenated fats, and other undesirables. For quick, delicious, healthy broccoli, skip the processed, sauced stuff and, instead, sautee plain, frozen broccoli with olive oil, garlic, salt, and lemon. It only takes a few minutes and is incredibly healthy and delicious. I think you get the point: buy unprocessed or (at the worst) very minimally processed fruits, vegetables, beans, lentils, and nuts, and let these make up the bulk of your diet. There are hundreds and hundreds of foods in this category, so experiment and try new things! Also, as much as possible, eat organic plant food. It seems silly (and dangerous) to eat tons of fruits and veggies for health, but to be poisoning yourself with pesticides at the same time. Also avoid GMOs (genetically modified organisms). All fruits and vegetables with a sticker number that starts with "3" are genetically modified; do not buy them.

Almost all dairy products are gluten free, and these should also minimally processed, preferably organic, and free of artificial hormones. There is research that links dairy (except butter) to health problems, and gluten-intolerant people often have problems with it for various reasons, so research, experiment, and decide for yourself. Even if you seem to be okay with dairy, it's best used sparingly.

Poultry, lamb, beef, pork, seafood, and other, um, animals, are all gluten free. They should be eaten in as natural a state as possible, once again preferably organic, free-range, and antibiotic- and hormone-free. Beware of pre-seasoned or deli meats, as they can contain gluten.

You can have gluten-free grains, such as rice or quinoa. And all those breads, cookies, and pastas you gave up? Well, there are gluten-free alternatives to almost everything! Look in your local Whole Foods, specialty grocery stores, or even some main-stream grocery stores for gluten-free bread, pie crusts, and pastas. What you can't find in stores you can find online. And what you can't find in stores or online, you can probably try to cook or bake yourself. Speaking of cooking, most gluten-containing recipes can easily be made gluten free: switch out wheat pasta for rice pasta, use corn tortillas instead of flour ones, and marinate with a gluten-free tamari sauce instead of soy sauce.

I think it's healthier and safer to make everything from scratch, but we all have to buy some pre-made food. If the package doesn't say its contents are gluten-free, it still may be. For example, if a jar of spaghetti sauce says it's made of only tomatoes, basil, olive oil, and garlic, it should be safe. In fact, even if the package doesn't have a gluten ingredient, but it says it's made in a facility that processes wheat (or a similar message), it's most likely still safe! Not sure about some of the listings on a package? Here are lists of safe and unsafe ingredients. Additionally, you can do online searches (or even call the company) to check if a product is gluten free. Many companies will offer that particular information on their sites, or you may find information from gluten-free people who have already contacted the company. The same precautions must be taken for medications, vitamins, and, often, beauty products; they should all be gluten-free.

Avoid cross-contamination. All food must be cooked and served in cookware and utensils that are totally clean and not contaminated with gluten. For example, you can't toast your gluten-free bread in a toaster that's full of gluteny crumbs. You also must be wary of dips and other shared foods. If your house-mates eat gluten, either they should not contaminate shared foods (such as not inserting a crumb-covered knife into the mayonnaise), or you must by your own container of these foods and label them as such.

Finally, if you go out to eat, you must be sure that foods are gluten-free. First, choose foods that do not have any obvious gluten ingredients. Second, inform your server that you cannot eat wheat, barley, rye, or (most) oats, and that you can't have any of them touching your food (they can't just remove croutons from a salad and serve it to you, for example). Third, ask about all the ingredients in your food (what exactly is in the chicken broth or special sauce?). Lastly, ask that everything be cooked on a cleaned grill, pan, etc.

Similarly, if you are dining at someone's house, politely inform them that you can't eat food with gluten ingredients and ask what's in the dishes. Most people are mature enough to realize that you have a medical condition and will not be offended. However, even if they do get upset, do not eat any gluteny foods! Not even a bite! And if they or you aren't sure what's in the food, also don't eat from the questionable dish. Do not damage your health just to humor someone. Thank them graciously for their offerings, but firmly state that you cannot eat any or you'll get sick.

By following these steps, you should be able to maintain a totally gluten-free lifestyle. Here's a quick recap of this post:

Most foods are naturally gluten-free. Buy and eat them in their most natural form, preferably organic, non-GMO, hormone-free, antibiotic-free, and/or free-range. Many recipes are also naturally gluten-free or could be easily made gluten-free. You will have to do more cooking for yourself to ensure that foods are safe.
There are many gluten-free alternatives to gluten-containing foods. Scan your grocery stores and the Internet for them. You can also find many gluten-free recipes in cookbooks and online.
Check the packaging or Websites of all processed or pre-cooked foods to ensure they do not have gluten ingredients. The same must be done for vitamins, medicines, and most beauty products.
Be sure not to get cross-contaminated through cookware, utensils, or shared food.
At restaurants, inform your server of your dietary needs, and ask all the questions and give enough instructions so that you can eat safely. At the homes of friends or family, ask your host questions to determine if the food is safe to eat.

And don't forget to check out my cooking blog, Free Kitchen, where everything is gluten-free, as well as labeled according to allergens the dishes are free of! Please contact me here or there with any questions you have, and I'll be happy to help!

Film Masri/Egyptian Film

noreply@blogger.com (Diana) — Thu, 03 Feb 2011 19:29:00 +0000

I think we've all seen this Egyptian film, right?

A woman married to a cruel man. He abuses her daily,with rough treatment and sinister threats. He cheats on her with other women, preferring to do their bidding instead of keeping the vows of marriage. He even empties her bank account into his.

And she puts up with it, living in fear.

Until one day, when she stops being afraid.

She asks for a divorce. He threatens to kill her. He'd rather she die than relinquish control over her.

She appeals to her brothers for help. One brother is in business with her husband and doesn't want to give up that arrangement. The other brother is a lazy coward, and doesn't want to deal with a divorced sister, doesn't want to face her husband, doesn't want to take up her cause. It's easier for him if she stays put, if everything is stable. But each brother puts on a show, talks to the husband, and reassures his sister that everything will be alright, that he promised them that he'd treat her well, but that she has to do her part, she has to have patience. She's not going to find anyone better than him.

He hires hitmen to kill her. She struggles with them, and it's not a pretty scene. Several times, they almost succeed.

But, if I remember correctly how this film ends, she overtakes them. And she finishes off her husband. And she is free.

Gluten Intolerance 101

noreply@blogger.com (Diana) — Tue, 23 Nov 2010 23:29:00 +0000

Semi-disclaimer: I am not a doctor, but it turns out that most doctors know little about gluten intolerance and would be of little help anyway. Sadly, after reading this post, you'll probably be better informed than your doctor. The information that follows is what I have learned from my fairly extensive research. I'll present it in a way I hope is simple yet detailed enough to yield understanding. I urge you to do your own research on the topic (I'll provide some helpful links), and find a doctor who listens to and helps you.

If you read my last post, you know I'm gluten intolerant. But what does that mean?

Gluten intolerance, sometimes called gluten sensitivity, is a very common disease that affects at least 1 in every 7 people, though some estimates say as much as 40% of people are gluten intolerant. Gluten is the protein found in various types of wheat, rye, barley, and a few rarely eaten grains, such as spelt and kamut. (Oats are naturally gluten-free, however most become contaminated with gluten in the field or in grain-processing plants. Unless the package certifies that the oats are gluten-free, assume they are not.) If you are gluten intolerant, and there is a good chance you are, gluten will make you very, very ill.

The source of the problem for those who are intolerant is that the body does not recognize gluten as food. Instead, the body sees it as a dangerous, foreign invader, similar to a bacteria or virus. And what happens when bacteria or viruses enter the body? The immune system attacks it.

This is basically how it works: You eat a bite of wheat bread. When that bread gets to your small intestine, antibodies start to attack the gluten in it, because they see it as something dangerous, rather than food. (Most of the immune system is housed in the digestive track, which makes sense, considering that most harmful things enter our body that way.) Each bite you take adds more and more gluten that your body wants to attack and destroy.

When the immune system attacks something, it creates inflammation, which is a perfectly normal process. The body is able to handle small amounts of inflammation for short periods of time. But imagine if you ingest gluten every day. That's going to create a lots of chronic inflammation! And that's very bad, because it can lead to serious issues, such as heart disease.

The first thing to get inflamed is your small intestine. And this is how the problem spreads to other parts of your body. Constant inflammation of your intestines will lead to several things. First, you may experience some digestive issues, though 8 out of 9 people with gluten intolerance do not have digestive symptoms (which is why they often don't realize that their health problems are being caused by something they are eating). Note: Celiac disease is only one type of gluten intolerance. Most people who have gluten intolerance do not have celiac disease, but all people who have celiac disease are gluten intolerant. It's like saying that not all people who own cars own a Honda, but all people who own a Honda own a car. With celiac disease, not only do the antibodies attack the gluten, but they attack the villi of the small intestine (making it an autoimmune disease), causing extensive damage. Unfortunately, many doctors don't realize that even if you don't have celiac, you can still be gluten intolerant and have the same serious health problems.

Second, the inflammation is damaging to the intestines, making them unable to adequately absorb vitamins and nutrients. Many gluten intolerant people are especially deficient in Vitamins D and B12, folate, iron, and calcium. Not having these and other essentials will lead to many problems, because your body needs them to maintain normal function and good health. For example, low Vitamin D will cause bone and joint problems, as well as hair loss. Not having enough iron can cause fatigue, an enlarged spleen, and a drop in hemoglobin, the molecule that carries oxygen throughout the blood. And the list goes on and on. If you take supplements for these vitamins and minerals and continue to eat gluten, your intestines will still not be able to absorb enough because the damage continues.

Third, the damaged, inflamed intestines now become permeable. The cells that make up the intestine are no longer forming a tight wall. Instead, the constant inflammation has caused tiny spaces to open up between the cells, a condition known as leaky gut (yuck!). Now, various things start leaking into your blood from your intestine, including gluten. And this is where things start to go crazy.

When gluten gets into your blood stream, the antibodies in your blood start attacking it, causing even more inflammation. So imagine gluten getting into your muscles or brain. The antibodies chase it there and attack it, causing inflammation in these places, which is not a good thing. So now gluten is all throughout your body, and your immune system is attacking it all throughout your body. Because the gluten protein is very similar in structure to proteins in your own body, the frenzied immune system may become confused and begin to attack the body itself, which is how gluten can trigger autoimmune diseases. In addition to the other problems you now have, your overworked immune system begins to weaken, making it more difficult for you to fight off other invaders, such as viruses.

The adrenal glands, located on top of the kidneys, produce several hormones, including cortisol, which helps cool down inflammation in the body. However, they too can only do so much. Their first function is to fight inflammation, so they'll put less effort into producing the other hormones (which can lead to conditions such as menstrual irregularities), and focus on the cortisol instead. But that can only go on for so long, and eventually they can't keep up with the inflammation either.

So let's look at just one aspect of the damage that can be caused by gluten if you are intolerant - joint problems, for example. First, your body is not absorbing enough Vitamin D (and other essentials) to maintain joint health, so already your joints are not perfect. Then, blood carries gluten to these joints, and the antibodies there fight it, causing inflammation. Soon, autoimmune antibodies start attacking your joints, causing more damage and inflammation. On top of everything else, your adrenal glands cannot keep up with all this inflammation, and so there is not enough cortisol to bring it down. And that's just one part of the body. Add to that your heart, liver, skin, reproductive system, nerves, hair, and any other part or system of the body.

There are many details to learn about gluten intolerance, more than I can adequately discuss in this post. I recommend you read the book The Gluten Effect. Don't be put off by the silly cover; it's a great book that explains the disease very well. You can also read the authors' blog and watch their Youtube videos.

Here are the most important things to remember about gluten intolerance:

Gluten intolerance is a very common, very serious disease. If left untreated, it can completely destroy your health. Just because the treatment is a fairly simple dietary change doesn't mean that the disease is not extremely dangerous.
The unique mechanics of the disease cause a vast array of symptoms (there are more than 200 that can be linked to gluten), which often seem unrelated on the surface. It is very common for those with gluten intolerance to have a dozen symptoms which seem to have nothing to do with each other. You can have anything from hair loss to swollen feet, and everything in between. Even if you feel or notice nothing, you can still have significant damage to your body. The combined immune reactions, inflammation, and vitamin and mineral deficiencies will destroy your health.
You can take certain tests to find out if you are gluten intolerant (which you can find information about in the above links). However, the tests are not 100% accurate and even if the tests come back negative, your body may still have reactions to gluten. The only sure way is to stop eating gluten for a lengthy period of time (as well as address any vitamin and mineral deficiencies you may have) and see if the symptoms resolve.
If you are gluten intolerant, you must stop eating gluten for the rest of your life, or your health will deteriorate. My next blog post will be about how to eat in order to heal yourself.

Lucky, Lucky Me

noreply@blogger.com (Diana) — Thu, 11 Nov 2010 23:15:00 +0000

I am a very lucky person.

Six months ago, this past May, I started waking up with aches in my left hand and shoulder. I thought I must be sleeping in a weird postition, so I bought a new pillow, hoping it would help. Usually if you sleep in a weird position, it only happens once, and not 10 nights in a row, but I couldn't think of what else would cause the mild pain which would clear up during the day and return every night.

About 2 weeks later, the pain began to spread to my neck and right shoulder and arm. Soon, each night I'd have stiffness in both hands, arms, shoulders, neck, and the upper part of my spine, and the pain intensified. I started having trouble moving my arms and hands while I slept and during the first few hours of the morning, but the pain would still dissipate a few hours after I woke up. Internet searches led me to think it was a pinched nerve or slipped disc. I didn't remember injuring myself at the gym, but this seemed to be the only explanation that made sense. When the problem didn't resolve, it was time to get a checkup.

I made my first appointment with a nurse practitioner who was recommended by many of my coworkers. (The last time I had been to a doctor was two years ago, when I had my gall bladder removed, and I didn't like her, so I was looking for someone new.) The NP asked me all the general questions and had blood tests done for a dozen different issues, including Lyme disease and rheumatoid arthritis. I told her that in a couple days I'd be traveling to Canada for about a week, and she suggested that for about 5 days I take 800 milligrams of Advil three times a day, a total of 12 capsules a day (which is still less than what's considered a "safe" limit). I never take medicine, so this freaked me out. But the pain was getting worse, and I was going to drive 500 miles, so I figured I might as well give it a shot.

While staying at my uncle's house in Canada, the pain intensified even more. I could barely move at night. Turning in bed was almost impossible, as was actually getting up from it. Even lifting a couple ounces of bedsheet a few inches was excruciatingly painful. Though I was on a leisurely trip to visit family, I could barely sleep a couple hours each night, and would be up by 5 a.m., walking and stretching to help relieve the pain. The 12 Advil a day did nothing, though the pain was bearable during the day. In the last couple days of my trip, my feet started swelling, and I developed pain in my legs. A pinched nerve didn't make sense anymore.

I drove home from Canada (a never-ending trip) on a Thursday, and by the time I got home that night I knew something was seriously wrong. I had pain all over my body, and my feet and fingers were swollen. The next day I managed to go get an x-ray of my neck and upper spine. I was told everything was normal. By that night, I was in in excruciating pain again, and I was, basically, becoming paralyzed. I decided that the next morning, Saturday, I would go to the emergency room, even though my next appointment with my NP was only a couple days later, and she'd have my blood test results by then.

They didn't want to do much for me at the ER, but they did take some blood and found that the inflammation in my body was very high. They weren't sure what to look for, but a lab tech decided to check for parvovirus, a fairly harmless virus that children often get as flu-like symptoms and a rash, but which manifests as joint pain in adults and could last for quiet some time. There is not much to do but wait out the virus. I was sent home with a prednisone prescription (another medication I was freaked out about) and with the idea that I probably have this virus, and all I needed to confirm it was a positive blood test, the result of which would not be available for several days.

I went to my NP appointment on Monday, feeling much better from the medicine, which worked like a charm. (I was able to sleep for the first time in a month!) She said that most of my blood work looked fine (no rheumatoid arthritis or Lyme) but that my B12 was very low and I had almost no Vitamin D in my body. Additionally, my ANA blood test, often associated with lupus, came back positive, but that it didn't mean I had lupus. In any case, I was on medication for the pain and inflammation, and we were waiting for the parvo results.

When the hospital finally had my results several days later, they informed me by telephone that my parvo test came back positive. Hurray! I just had a simple virus! I didn't have lupus! But to get the results to my NP, I had to go to the hospital, sign a release form, and have them fax the results to the NP's office, who then faxed it to her because she was out of town. She called me a few days later, saying that the results showed that I didn't have the virus currently, but that it was something which I had in the past. She had called Infectious Disease and was told that my symptoms were consistent with parvo, and that they could have even been the cause of a false positive ANA. We decided that I would be on this medicine for another 10 days, and if the pain came back after that, I would be prescribed something less potent than the prednisone (which was giving me unwanted side effects like jitteriness, a puffy face, and made my skin feel weird in the sun) until I could see a rheumatologist.

I took prednisone for 3 weeks and was so happy to be off of it. However, as soon as I stopped taking it, I started getting some mild pain in my hands, and, over the course of 10 days, it started spreading and intensifying, as had happened the last time. Well, I just had to wait out the virus, I thought, and, though I really dreaded taking medication again, it was getting bad enough that I decided to take the dosage of the naproxen that was prescribed to me, which didn't help much.

After about 3 or 4 days of naproxen, I woke up in the middle of the night with dizziness, abdominal pain, and nausea. I was able to wake my sister, who came with me to the bathroom. I threw up and then fainted in the bathroom. I came to, got up off the bathroom floor, and wanted to throw up again, despite my sister telling me to go lie down. I lifted my head, and passed out again. I opened my eyes a few moments later to find that my sister had dragged me into the next room, where I was lying on the tile with a pillow under my head. Every time I would lift my head, I would feel like I was going to faint again. My family called 911, and I was taken by ambulance to the emergency room.

When I arrived, they took my blood pressure (which was extremely low), asked me about my symptoms (I told them that I had parvo and was taking medication for it), and took all the necessary tests. I was told I had acute pancreatitis. Just a few days' worth of medicine almost killed me. (And this is why, friends, you should avoid medications as much as possible.) To be treated, I had to be admitted into the hospital for a few days. I would be hooked up to an I.V. and wouldn't be allowed to eat or drink until the situation resolved. They took a C.T. scan and ultrasound of my abdomen, and I was put in a room all to myself. I was visited by my family and friends (and actually spent many funny hours with Laura, Grace, Tina, and Zena). My abdominal pain resolved within the first few hours at the hospital, and the doctors were shocked to see that in 24 hours my pancreatic enzymes were back to normal, when it usually takes 5 to 7 days for them to settle.

The doctors gave me the results of the imaging tests: some fluid in my abdominal cavity and mildly enlarged small intestine, liver, and spleen. What? How did I get those? Enlarged liver? I don't drink! I live a healthy lifestyle! How in the world do you get fluid in your abdomen? I don't even have any significant digestive issues! Though I was surprised by this information, I half dismissed it because 1) each of the doctors who came to visit me said something different, 2) they didn't seem concerned by it, and 3) even though I was at a good hospital, the doctors seemed sort of incompetent, and barely asked me any questions that may have helped them figure out why I had these problems.

In any case, I spent 2.5 days at the hospital, not eating for the first day and a half, and then, because my pancreatic issue had resolved so quickly, allowed to eat, during the last 24 hours, liquids and then later certain solid foods. Also during those last 24 hours, I felt that my joint and muscle pain had lessened considerably, and I started wondering why. Was it because I was resting? No, that can't be it. I'd spent many evenings and weekends resting during the past couple months, and I had pain and stiffness then anyway. They didn't have me on any painkillers, yet my last morning at the hospital I was moving with more agility and less pain than I'd had in a week. Weird.

I was discharged in the afternoon, told to make an appointment with a gastroenterologist, and given a two-week eating plan for people with Chron's or ulcertive colitis, two diseases for which I didn't have symptoms. I was to limit my fruits and vegetables (which seemed ridiculous), to not have any seeds or nuts, and to eat breads and pastas made from refined flours, jellos and puddings, some soft chicken breast, eggs, and a handful of other things.

I came home from the hospital around 2 in the afternoon, my muscles and joints still feeling considerably better than they had a few days ago. I showered the hospital off of me, put on some comfortable clothes, ate something, and prepared to stay home from work a few more days to rest up. Perhaps that would finally give this mysterious, unrelenting virus the boot. But by 6 in the evening, somehow, I was once again in excruciating pain, once again had swollen hands and feet, once again almost paralyzed.

And that's how I spent the next the 6 days: swollen, in extreme pain, practically paralyzed. I could not sleep and could barely move in bed or get out of it. I could not sit, stand, lie down, walk, or move in any way for more than a few minutes at a time, because each activity only made some part of me hurt more. I couldn't get dressed by myself. I barely managed to shower on my own. I couldn't go up and down stairs. I couldn't squeeze a tube of toothpaste or take the cap off a water bottle. I would have to talk myself into standing up from a sitting position, because, every time I did, my legs felt like they were on fire. I spent almost every minute of those 6 days with an ice pack on my neck and upper spine and a couple on my hands, numbing some of the pain in those areas. I was not taking any kind of pain medication because I didn't want to end up back in the hospital, I was more freaked out by medications now then ever before, and I knew they wouldn't help much.

Why did I do "nothing" for 6 days? Well, I knew that I should probably go see a rheumatologist. I knew there was nothing to be done about the virus, but I figured that maybe I could get some tips on how to deal with the pain naturally, instead of using medication. Additionally, I'd never been to a rheumatologist, and was waiting for a referral for one. Also, on Day 3 of those 6 days, my father had a mild heart attack and had to have surgery a couple days later. (He's fine now!) I decided to wait until he was okay, and then go to the doctor. So, for those days, while my family was busy with my dad (I couldn't visit him in the hospital in my condition), my Aunt Lodie and my Aunt Layla took care of me, especially my Aunt Layla (who was visiting from California). They prepared my diet of bread, pasta, rice, chicken, egg, and ridiculously small amounts of vegetables and fruits. They helped me put my legs up on the couch and adjusted my pillows. And they kept me company. My Aunt Layla said she saw a documentary about someone who had similar joint and muscle pains as me, and that I should look into the condition he had. I told her that I didn't think that's what the problem was. I just had a virus that would pass.

On a Monday afternoon, I finally made it to the rheumatologist, Dr. W. She asked me some questions, and I told her I had parvo. She had those original ER blood-test results faxed to her, and told me I definitely did not have parvo. The "positive" results they had given me were for old antibodies, meaning, as my NP had said, it was something I had in the past and not something I had currently. The unclear messages from the hospital and Infectious Disease made me mistakenly believe, for more than a month, that I had parvo.

So what did I have then? What was making me almost paralyzed? According to Dr. W, I probably had Crohn's disease or ulcerative colitis, and that I would have to treat it with life-long medication. She gave me some recommendations for gastroenterologists, took some blood, and put me back on prednisone (a much lower dose than what I was taking a few weeks prior), which I had mixed feelings about taking again. On the one hand, I needed some relief, but, on the other, I was so disgusted by it and medication in general.

I went home not too pleased with the news that I might have one of these diseases, which often require surgery to remove parts of the digestive track and which would doom me to a lifetime of ingesting toxic chemicals. I was home on Tuesday and Wednesday, virtually pain-free because the medicine works quickly. I spent those two days researching the two diseases, even though I didn't seem to have their symptoms. Each time I learned a gruesome fact about one, I prayed that I had the other. I did a quick search of my aunt's suggestion, but didn't follow through much, because Dr. W had been pretty confident in her pre-diagnosis. On Thursday I woke up feeling well enough to go to work, where they welcomed me after my 8-workday absence.

On Friday, I woke up with significant pain. What happened?! I had no pain the past few days! When I got to work, I left a message for Dr. W that I woke up with pain, asking if I should drop to the lower dose the next day as we had planned. When she called me back a half hour before my work day ended, she told me that she wants to get me started on 2 medications. I asked her how I could be prescribed drugs when I didn't have a diagnosis yet, and she told me that these drugs are for a variety of conditions and that my lupus markers came back high and I should be on them. It was like receiving a phone call that said, "Well, you probably have lupus. Have a good weekend! Bye!" There was no mention of the Crohn's or colitis, which she had seemed fairly confident in a few days earlier.

My good friend Gina and I frantically looked up the symptoms of lupus. Not only is it a tricky disease to diagnose, but I had almost none of the symptoms! And yet this doctor was ready to put me on serious medications! That's when I began to lose trust in Dr. W.

When I got home, I quickly turned on the laptop, anxious to do some research. Because the doctor seemed to have forgotten about her original suggestions, and I didn't feel they were right either, I dropped the idea of them altogether. I decided to do serious research on lupus and if it can be confused with my aunt's suggestion: a problem with gluten, the protein found in wheat, rye, and barley.

And within an hour or so of reading, I was positive. I just knew, absolutely knew, I had some form of gluten intolerance. Everything suddenly made sense: the reason I was feeling better in the hospital is because I wasn't eating. However, on the last morning there, they had me eat pancakes, which is what caused the painful paralysis that evening. It's also why I had pain that very morning: I had eaten bread at work the day before. And I knew I would wake up with pain the next morning, because that day at work, before the "lupus" "diagnosis," I had eaten a cheese sandwich and a muffin (considered "safe" by the ridiculous diet I was given at the hospital). And since that moment on the evening of August 27, 2010, I have not eaten a bite of anything that has gluten in it.

The Saturday morning I woke up with pain from Friday's food, as I had expected. But because I was not going to eat any gluten on Saturday, I expected to wake up with little pain on Sunday, and that's exactly what happened! By Monday, I had almost no pain! Of course, I was still on medication, but that's the point: while eating gluten, I was still having pain despite taking medicine.

Basically (I'll write another post with more details in the near future), if you have gluten intolerance, your body doesn't recognize the gluten protein as food but as an invader, so your immune system attacks it. Eating gluten is like introducing large amounts of viruses into your body everyday, which your immune system is constantly attacking. The incessant immune response, the damage to the intestines that have turned into a battlefield between gluten and their antibodies, and the tiring of the adrenal glands that support the immune system in their fight result in every type of symptom imaginable and very serious health problems. The research I did that weekend explained that every one (every one!) of my symptoms, even things I hadn't thought of before as symptoms, were a result of gluten intolerance:

Joint and muscle pain. I was surprised to read that many gluten intolerant people had extreme pain, swelling, and stiffness similar to mine.
Low Vitamins B12 and D, common amongst people with gluten intolerance, because they can't absorb them.
Very low iron. I'd been told a few years ago that I was anemic.
Mildly enlarged liver, spleen, and small intestine. These looked fine 2 years ago when I had an ultrasound done for my gallstones, so they must have been recently affected.
The fluid found in my abdomen.
Acne. I'm almost 30, but haven't had fully clear skin for 15 years. Sometimes it was better than others, but it was never totally clear. I had just figured that's how my skin was. Soon after going off gluten, despite the fact that prednisone can cause acne, my skin cleared up.
Hair loss. During the past few years, my hair has thinned considerably. This is probably due to the vitamin deficiencies.
Lactose intolerance. Many with gluten intolerance have a sensitivity to dairy. I developed a moderate lactose intolerance about 12 years ago. Interestingly, this often goes away once gluten is removed from the diet.
Gallstones. I had a few and had my gall bladder removed 2 years ago. If you have gallstones, there is a good chance you are gluten intolerant.
Positive ANA and other lupus-related blood work. Eating gluten if you are gluten intolerant triggers autoimmune diseases. At my last testing 10 days ago, about 2 months after going gluten free, the ANA is negative and the other is dropping.
Neurological symptoms. Thankfully, I hadn't developed anything serious, but about 5 or 6 times during the months I was sick, I saw flashes of light out of the corner of my eye, as if it was a lightning bug or a tiny camera flash going off. I thought it was weird but didn't think much of it, until I accidentally came across the story of someone who described the same symptom. They have not happened again since going gluten free.

And here's why I'm lucky: I discovered I was sick. It's estimated that 1 in 7 people (1 in 7 people!), and some estimate an even higher percentage, have gluten intolerance, but the vast majority don't know it. That means you, dear reader, have a good chance of being gluten intolerant. Most gluten intolerant people do not have digestive complaints (I didn't), and so do not make any kind of link between what they are eating and the health problems they may have. Furthermore, symptoms usually seem to be totally unrelated to each other and differ from person to person: one person may have fatigue, headaches, "clumsiness," elevated liver enzymes, and infertility problems, while another has nerve pain, indigestion, rashes, depression, and dental issues. To make matters worse, most doctors know close to nothing about gluten intolerance or have a very narrow view of its symptoms (in fact, there are about 200 symptoms, and no two people have the exact same ones, though some are more common than others). They end up either dismissing patients' complaints or diagnosing them with diseases they don't have, giving them endless, poisonous drugs that treat the symptoms while the disease is ongoing. I've read stories in which people suggested to their doctors that they have a gluten problem, but the doctors refused to check for it because it didn't fit into their flawed, limited definition of what the disease is.

Perhaps even worse are cases like mine: I had no visible or sensible symptoms. If you had asked me this past April, I would have told you I had no health problems. Sure, my iron was low and I wasn't pleased with the state of my hair or skin, but those were minor complaints and nothing to be overly concerned about. I felt fine. As I look back at my symptoms, I've been sick for at least 12 years, and possibly my entire life! And I had no idea. I am blessed to have developed all that joint and muscle pain, because it made me aware I was ill. If I hadn't, I would have assumed everything was fine, and then, possibly, a few years from now, "suddenly" develop a mysterious case of liver disease, or would have been put on a lifetime of unnecessary medication for some misdiagnosed disease.

There is no cure for gluten intolerance, but it's very easy to treat, completely naturally and without medication. In short, gluten-intolerant people cannot eat gluten for the rest of their lives. That means I can't eat anything that has wheat, rye, and barley (and a few other grains) in it. "Healthy" whole wheat bread is, basically, poison to me. The great news is, in most cases, simply by eliminating gluten and making a few other simple dietary changes, the body can totally heal itself, and often in as little a year. I'm hoping that not only will I return to "normal," but some things will be even better than what I considered normal, and soon enough I'll be in perfect health.

As I said, I'll be posting soon about the mechanics of gluten intolerance and how to change your diet to heal yourself.

~~~~~~~~~~

It's time to make this very long story short. (I know, too late!) I visited Dr. W a couple days after my epiphany, and she came to her senses for a short time and said the information she had is not enough for a lupus diagnosis. I told her I might have celiac disease or some other form of gluten intolerance, and she said it was an okay theory, but seemed skeptical. She took the gluten-related blood tests, and while the celiac one was negative, I did have anti-gliadin antibodies (gliadin is the specific part of gluten the body attacks), but they were low enough to be considered "negative." I was undaunted. I knew that the blood tests for gluten intolerance were not 100% accurate, and, at the time I took the test, I hadn't had gluten in 100 hours and had been on an immunosuppressive drug for a week, both of which could have affected the results. In the end, the only sure way to know if you are gluten intolerant is to stop eating gluten for a lengthy period of time and see if your symptoms improve.

I visited Dr. P, a gastroenterologist, who I liked. She performed an endoscopy on me, during which she biopsied my small intestine for celiac disease, a specific kind of gluten intolerance that causes severe intestinal damage (again, more on this in a future post), and a few other other things. Everything came back negative or looking okay. We agreed that though I did not have celiac, I am probably gluten intolerant (which is basically the same thing), but that I wouldn't be sure if my gluten-free diet is working until I am off the medicine, and that Dr. W should take me off of it soon. Dr. P said to continue what I was doing and visit her in 6 months.

Prednisone shuts down the adrenal glands, and so you must taper off of it slowly and under a doctor's supervision. My repeated attempts to get Dr. W to contact me with a tapering-off schedule only resulted in messages through her receptionist telling me to stay on it longer. When I finally got to visit her in person, she was once again skeptical of my gluten-intolerance facts, though it was obvious she knew little about the topic because she had no real responses to my information. Though I had told her I wanted to be off all medication, she tried to convince me to start taking Plaquenil, a very serious drug which she claimed had no side effects. What kind of deception is that! At that point I lost all trust in her. When I asked her why I should take it, she said that I might have a form of arthritis, though I had few of its symptoms, and though it didn't explain most of the symptoms I actually did have. Like many doctors, instead of looking for the underlying problem, she was trying to force me into a diagnosis that suited her, and, moreover, convince me to buy drugs to mask my symptoms, which she'll probably get kickbacks for. And what kind of doctor claims a drug has no side effects?! If I was a person who didn't know any better, I would have walked out of there with a wrong diagnosis and a lifetime of a dangerous, unnecessary medication!

I once again made my case, and she finally agreed to taper me off and had me do a blood test that day. The next day I got a phone call from one of her nurses, who told me that I was to stay on the prednisone longer (with no definite tapering-off schedule) because my blood test showed I still had mild inflammation. At that point, I had enough of Dr. W and the 6 weeks of medication. I immediately made an appointment with my NP, who I saw a few days later and who worked with me to safely taper off the medicine during a 3-week period and who is monitoring my progress, including my vitamin and iron deficiencies.

As of right now, I've been completely off medication for 2 weeks. When I dropped to a very low dose, a little bit of the pain, swelling, and stiffness did come back, and my skin broke out. However, it's a tiny fraction of what I had experienced a few months ago, and it's lessening day by day! Each day I have a little less pain and stiffness, and my skin is once again clearing up without any extra effort on my part. It's going to take time for my body to return to normal, especially because the medicine complicated matters (and left me with a sort of puffy face that I am hoping will deflate soon). But I have no doubt that within a few weeks I'll be completely pain free. I'm also hoping my hair will get thicker!

I'll say it again: I'm a very lucky person. What I have experienced in the past 6 months of pain and paralysis, hospitalization, medications, doctor visits, diagnostic tests, confusing diagnoses from ill-informed "professionals," and other stress is nothing compared to what some people suffer with everyday. Unlike most people who have this disease, I have discovered (with a little help from my aunt, who I believe God sent to visit from California especially at that time to give me some direction) what my problem actually is, and I can treat it easily and naturally. And who can ask for anything more than that?

Please, please, please take these points from this post:

Gluten intolerance is very common. You or several people you know could have it, even if you feel fine. Spread the word about it, and you can save some lives, as mine has been saved.
There are more than 200 symptoms related to gluten intolerance, and each person's case and symptoms are different. Just because you don't have the exact same symptoms I did, doesn't mean you aren't gluten intolerant.
Do your research. I'll be posting more information here soon. Learn all you can about this condition and any others you may have. Don't just rely on mainstream medicine, which is heavily influenced by the drug companies, to have all your answers. You should read alternative theories as well.
Doctors don't know everything, especially when it comes to this condition. If you suspect that you have this problem, or any other, and the doctor doesn't want to listen to you, find a doctor who will. You cannot blindly trust any medical professional.
Most diseases are natural and thus can be treated naturally. The "easy" medication answer will only cause more problems than it solves.

~~~~~~~~~~

And now, I'm looking forward to my 30th birthday next month, more than I have ever anticipated the day in the past. I will celebrate it with a gluten-free cake. :)

Update: One Year Later, May 2011
It's been exactly one year since I woke up with mild pain in my shoulder and wrist, which, as you read above quickly became worse. I've been gluten-free for about 9 months, and I am 95% back to normal. I occasionally get fleeting pains in some of my joints. I think they haven't yet completely healed yet from the severe inflammation that affected them. My hair has gotten thicker. My skin is generally better, though it sometimes breaks out. I'm experimenting with different foods to see what is affecting it. I haven't had a blood test in a while, but I believe my iron levels are inching toward normal, because I haven't heard my mother say I look "yellowish" in a long time.

Read about the basics of gluten intolerance here.
Read the basics of going gluten free here.
Check out my gluten-free cooking blog, Free Kitchen, here,
Read an interview I did on gluten intolerance and going gluten free here.

Update: February 2012
I'm entirely pain-free and 99% back to normal. I have noticed though, that in some situations I can hear little pops and squeaks and other noises in my joints. I also feel like I can't push them as hard as I used to, whether it's running at the gym or holding too many grocery bags. They aren't painful at all, but I think the months of severe inflammation left a little bit of damage. I'm going to include more meat with gelatinous bones in my diet to see if that helps repair any minor damage that might exist.

In other news, I've been almost entirely dairy-free for 6 months, and my skin has cleared up. If I do get a rare blemish, it's minor and disappears relatively quickly. I do eat butter with no problem, though, because it has almost no casein, the dairy protein which was causing the problem.

Beautiful!

noreply@blogger.com (Diana) — Sat, 04 Sep 2010 16:44:00 +0000

Moving Forward

noreply@blogger.com (Diana) — Tue, 01 Jun 2010 17:44:00 +0000

Do you know what happens if you look back with regret?

You turn into a pillar of salt.

Peachy?

noreply@blogger.com (Diana) — Mon, 31 May 2010 15:00:00 +0000

Yesterday while I was choosing some peaches (among other produce) at the farmers' market, two women, decades into their adulthood, approached the stand where I stood. Between the two of them, they couldn't be sure that what they were selecting were, in fact, peaches, though they looked like ordinary peaches and a giant sign above them read "PEACHES."

Have people become so disconnected from nature that they cannot even recognize a common fruit if it's not canned and labeled?

Leaves of Three II

noreply@blogger.com (Diana) — Sun, 22 Nov 2009 02:06:00 +0000

This was the first Leaves of Three.

1. When I throw out a napkin I have used, especially when I am out in public, or when I brush off a hair from my shirt when I am outside of my home, I think about how I am releasing a part of me (my actual DNA!) out into the universe.

2. Isn't it interesting that humans can so easily build mini home-bases for themselves in new surroundings? For example, you walk into a doctor's office you've never been to before and take a seat in the waiting room. Quickly, this becomes someplace you know, someplace you are familiar with, and can even claim the seat and the space around it as your own. You can be in a crowd of people you don't know in a building you don't know, but your place in it right away becomes your place, the jacket of the person in front of you internalized, the presence of the person next to you implanted into your being. Even astronauts, though in awe of their flight through space, quickly acquaint themselves with their new and strange position. I am willing to bet that even if humans are placed in the most unusual circumstances that can be dreamed of, they will be able to move from bewilderment to familiarity practically instantly.

3. I really don't understand how people can hate the holidays (basically, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year's, for those of you not in America). All this take about depression and blahblahblah. My God, people! Stop being downers and enjoy yourselves! IT'S THE HOLIDAYS FOR PETE'S SAKE!

Andrew Samuel

noreply@blogger.com (Diana) — Sun, 08 Nov 2009 01:28:00 +0000

Today I was at the funeral of Andrew Samuel.

I am posting about Andrew here for two reasons. First, he was phenomenal person, someone who I can't do justice to in this simple post, nor will I attempt to. Suffice it to say that he will be always admired, missed, and loved. Second, most of you who follow my blog are avid readers of all kinds of quality writing. In which case, Life, Death, and Cancer: 360 Degree Exploration, the blog Andrew wrote during the last 10 months of his life, is excellent reading. Just as with Andrew himself, to describe it would not do it justice.

I ask that you please read it in its entirety. It will change you.

Andrew's Facebook group: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=171456651781

Mloukhiye

noreply@blogger.com (Diana) — Sun, 25 Oct 2009 20:53:00 +0000

I'm going to pull an Abu Fares by posting about a Middle Eastern dish. :)

Today I cooked mloukhiye. This is not a recipe with measurements, because I rarely use them in my cooking. It's just a very basic walk-through.

1. You need to boil a chicken. Add to it salt, pepper, cardamom, allspice, a cinnamon stick, and a quartered onion or two. This should produce a well-balanced, flavorful stock that will be the base of your mloukhiye.

2. Soak your rice. Today I used Basmati.

3. Peel lots and lots of garlic. I used two whole heads. (Really, I did.)

4. Once the chicken is cooked, remove it from the broth. Let it cool a bit, then remove all the skin and bones, and break up the meat into medium chunks (about the size of two bites). Optionally, you can brown it a bit in a skillet after you've broken it into pieces. In either case, set it aside for later.

5. Now, for the mloukhiye itself. We have a sizable Arab population in New Jersey, so we have Arab grocery stores that thankfully provide us with almost anything we need for Middle Eastern cookery. Fresh mloukhiye is not seen often, but you can get it occasionally. I don't think it's worth the hassle of picking leaves from a forest of stems to make a small pot of food, especially when the frozen is cleaned, easy to store, ready to cook, and tastes good. I always use half minced and half whole leaves. You can see the frozen blocks here as they are starting to melt into the chicken broth.

6. As the mloukhiye is cooking, cook your rice. As you can tell, my egg noodles toasted unevenly. Ha!

7. The sea was angry that day.... Add tons of lemon juice to your mloukhiye. Not only does it help it not coagulate, as it tends to do, but the earthiness of the greens and the deepness of the broth need to be brightened up by some fresh citrus. Also drop in your chicken.

8. Grind some coriander.

9. Mince all that garlic you peeled earlier, add it to the coriander, add touch of butter and/or olive oil, and let it cook for a few minutes in a small saucepan. Your house will smell amazing. Then, pour the hot mixture over your mloukhiye and give it a stir. You should taste it at this point to see if it needs any more salt, pepper, lemon, coriander, or garlic.

10. Fry some almonds in some butter.

11. And pour those almonds over your cooked rice.

12. And serve! :)

Whatever.

noreply@blogger.com (Diana) — Fri, 02 Oct 2009 23:23:00 +0000

No, seriously. Whatever.

Face

noreply@blogger.com (Diana) — Sun, 13 Sep 2009 15:40:00 +0000

Perfectly bent nose; each eye, a universe.

Selective Memory

noreply@blogger.com (Diana) — Fri, 11 Sep 2009 21:39:00 +0000

I was at the grocery store this morning. While in the freezer aisles, an store employee came on the P.A. and fumbled through some sort of moment of silence for 9/11. That's right, a moment of silence at the local Shoprite.

So I said, Well, since everyone is in the mindset to remember crimes, why don't we dig up another one? My, there are so many to choose from....

Ah, here we go! If you haven't seen the Vietnam documentary Hearts and Minds, you absolutely must. It's one of the best I've ever seen on any topic. Luckily, it's on Youtube, but I wouldn't be surprised if it's pulled soon (copyright and whatnot). I'll post some trailers, exerpts, and the first video in the documentary below.

Why? Because Americans are all about remembering, right? We will never forget, right? Right? Well, friends, it works both ways.

So don't you ever forget....

Trailer

"The Oriental doesn't put the same high price on life as the Westerner."

How many wasted lives can you count in this scene?

One of my favorite ongoing truths at the very end of this scene: "It's a tribute to the American people that their leaders perceived they had to be lied to. It's no tribute to us that it was so easy to fool the public."

The first video of the documentary. Click around for the rest.

Book: The Good Earth

noreply@blogger.com (Diana) — Sat, 05 Sep 2009 21:53:00 +0000

I read The Good Earth in 8th grade, which I recently realized was half-a-lifetime ago. I've been wanting to re-read it for a few years now, and I finally did these past couple weeks. I was especially interested to see if I would enjoy it now as much as I did then, and also wanted to keep an eye out for any sort of racial stereotyping (etc.) that I would not have been sophisticated enough to pick up on at the time. The verdict: I still enjoyed it, and there was no real indication of racism. (Then again, Pearl S. Buck seemed to have respected her Chinese brothers and sisters.)

The book is a rich survey of one man's life that leaves you wanting to know more. Luckily, it's the first of a trilogy, and I am definitely putting the remaing two books, as well as Buck's other writings, on my list.

Book: Memories of My Meloncholy Whores

noreply@blogger.com (Diana) — Sat, 05 Sep 2009 21:15:00 +0000

It's Marquez, so of course it is, at the very least, very good. Some of the themes were similar to those in Love in the Time of Cholera, but they avoided redundancy. It's a short, refreshing read.

Book: Roots

noreply@blogger.com (Diana) — Sat, 08 Aug 2009 01:16:00 +0000

Roots was an easy, enjoyable read. Despite being an American classic, I wouldn't say it's a very powerful book, but it did do something very well: it gave a realistic description of the first-generation enslaved African.

When slavery is discussed in this country, there is rarely mention of the captured Africans' identities. An effort was made upon capture to strip these people of their humanity and individuality, and it continues to this day. Even modern, progressive texts lump all these people together as "slaves" or "Africans." (Notice, too, that even if the the term "African" is used, it still is less specific than the names of the ethnic groups to which these people belonged. Of course, even the modern, progressive texts can't be fully blamed, as they are mostly forced to use the terms that have stemmed from centuries of effective erasure.) This blurring or erasing of identity not only blocked any claims that people of African descent have to their homelands and cultures, but it also created a "clean slate" upon which the Americans can write a new identity for them.

But Roots looks at things differently, fully immersing you in the life of Kunte Kinte, making his capture all the more bewildering for the reader. Once he's on American soil, it's especially interesting to see him as you would any other "immigrant" (albeit forced and enslaved) to the U.S., one who must learn a language, sees new plants and animals, takes on some new customs while still maintaining many that he grew up with, and one who teaches his daughter about her African family.

My favorite part? When he can look at his fellow slaves, many who have been almost completely Americanized over the course of a few generations, and can tell, by their facial features, which ethnic group they belong to....

Book: The Hakawati

noreply@blogger.com (Diana) — Tue, 28 Jul 2009 01:06:00 +0000

Rabih Alameddine's The Hakawati weaves several stories within each other, Shahrazad-style. It's very good. I'm looking forward to reading more of his work, despite the fact that there are more than a few times in the book that he calls standard Arabic words "Lebanese." (Excuse me while I roll my eyes. I mean, cooome oooon, people!)

Book: The Jungle

noreply@blogger.com (Diana) — Tue, 28 Jul 2009 00:47:00 +0000

I picked up Upton Sinclair's The Jungle a couple months ago, after having wanted to read it for about 11 years. I almost made it all the way through. Some thoughts that come to mind:

1. I expected it to be meatier (ha!) in both senses of the word.

2. I was frustrated by some commentary it made about the behavior of the Black workers in a scene. While the main White character's crimes are excused as an inevitable result of the oppressive, harsh life he's lived, the Black characters, who have to suffer under similar (and probably worse) circumstances are depicted as being naturally prone to unsavory behavior. Disappointing to find in a supposedly progressive book, even if it's 100 years old.

3. If you are 14 years old and/or know nothing about poverty, this book should be an interesting introduction. But if you are well-acquainted with the political, social, and psychological aspects of poverty, like I am, then this is a very simplistic read that will lose your attention about halfway through.

Book: Malinche

noreply@blogger.com (Diana) — Thu, 04 Jun 2009 23:30:00 +0000

You know a book has problems when you wonder what is more of a waste of of your life: continuing to read it, or having read the first half of it and not finishing the second.

In other words, if you come across Malinche by Laura Esquivel, don't bother.

Once You've Taken a Bite of the Big Apple...

noreply@blogger.com (Diana) — Sun, 26 Apr 2009 19:55:00 +0000

I have lived in two places since my birth: Kuwait until I was three-and-a-half years old, and in North Jersey in the 25 years since then. Living right outside one of the most diverse, sophisticated, and intense cities in the world (New York City, obviously) is amazing.

But taking a bite of the Big Apple spoils you rotten. I've traveled to several North American cities - Boston, Montreal, Chicago, Denver, Phoenix, Philadelphia, Los Angeles, Washington D.C., Toronto; and a few smaller ones such as Tampa and Boulder - and while each had something to offer, I couldn't help but have the same reaction to all of them: "That's it?" I'm pretty sure when I have the money to travel to international destinations, I won't have the same feeling, because they would offer something significantly different from what I've seen. But within the US and Canada, everything pales in comparison to New York.

Last October I drove up to Toronto to visit my cousins. Here are some of the pictures I took in the city and its suburbs.

Checking In

noreply@blogger.com (Diana) — Sun, 15 Mar 2009 17:53:00 +0000

I have been away. Work is taking too much of my time. And I'm spending my short stretches of free time keeping up with (and enjoying) Star Academy. Hopefully in a couple weeks, when I get this book to print, I can return with a proper post.

Love?

noreply@blogger.com (Diana) — Mon, 16 Feb 2009 03:09:00 +0000

Some months ago I was asked to blog about love (the Romeo and Juliet variety), and I have intentionally, and unintentionally, been putting it off. Why? I can't.

The problem with love is that it's difficult to define, and I don't mean that to sound romantic. I mean that I really don't know how to describe it. Even if I were to discuss it from my own point of view (which I can't), it seems to be one of those things that varies with each person, in which case I won't be able to make any sweeping evaluations (which is probably for the best).

There is only one thing that comes to mind: I think that love (all kinds of love) is (perhaps) when you miss a person while you are with them.

Maybe one day I'll think of something, and I'll be sure to post it here.

I'd like to hear your opinions.

A Response

noreply@blogger.com (Diana) — Sat, 07 Feb 2009 00:42:00 +0000

Yazan, in your post, you mentioned that there are fundamental differences between males and females, but, though you raised a few vague yet interesting ideas, you didn't flesh them out much, so forgive me if my response is not a direct answer to your points, or if it comes across as angry, which it is not. (And even if it is seen as angry, the anger is not directed towards you!)

I have serious problems with people who want to lump women (or men, for that matter) into a broad (pun intended) group. I firmly believe that the more general a group, the less you can generalize. Thus, to affix dozens of labels to half the world's population is bound to yield very little truth. The only thing more ridiculous is to assign a multitude of traits to all human beings, the only group that is more inclusive than gender. This is not to say that one doesn't find some similarities among many women, or among many men, or among many humans. But the problem arises when one assumes that their are similarities among all women (or all men, or all humans). It is, sadly, the oldest and most wide-spread form of prejudice, and one which is still totally accepted.

I don't like anyone to assume anything about me, but to assume I have certain characteristics, behaviors, desires, or ideas simply because I am female is absurd. To say I think (and, consequently, act upon these thoughts) a certain way because I am a woman is really saying that I don't think, that I don't formulate my own thoughts but simply inherit them genetically. In turn, my actions are beyond my control, because, again, I am a woman. This is, essentially, stripping a woman of her power and individual agency, and making her merely a robot, programed to follow limited patterns, say particular things, and have certain wants.

Because it is assumed that robot-woman acts a certain way, there are prescribed ways to interact with her, theories usually subscribed to by men. Sure, they may notice a few differences among the varying "models" of these robot-women, but, in the end, they are all robots, and, to ensure proper use, one must consult the manual. There is no need to bother figuring an individual one out yourself, because they all function in the same way. Even a seemingly laudatory view of womankind is insulting, because, again, it is giving them all certain "good" traits that they all do not share. It is, in essence, praising a specific positive feature on your woman-robot.

My point? I'm not a robot. I may not even fit your definition of "woman." And there is no manual on how to deal with me.

Strewn

noreply@blogger.com (Diana) — Sun, 25 Jan 2009 03:16:00 +0000

The Mind likes packaging Life's experiences. She examines and sorts them, categorizing them according to one or more attributes. She then places each experience in a box, closes the box, and finds a place for it on Life's shelf. Sometimes an experience is split between a few boxes, or, after being housed in one, is taken out, reexamined, and put in another. The Mind freely moves from one box to another, and groups and arranges them as she sees fit.

One day, Life deposits an experience at the Mind's feet, daring her to make some sense of it. Try as she may, the Mind doesn't know what to do with it, where to put it, how to wrap it up. Desperately, she attempts to find a way to identify this experience, to know what it is called, to name it something, anything, that she understands. Each round of thought, each cycle of failed reasoning, makes her more and more anxious to find a way to box it up, tape it shut, and label it in big letters with a heavy marker.

But the Mind fails.

The experience is left strewn about, littering what used to be a neat place. As she constantly trips and falls over the pieces, the Mind can do nothing but foolishly hope that Life will come back and reclaim his disaster, that he will return to clean up his mess.