Every Mother’s Day this thought goes through my head: What is motherhood?

Is it bearing children? Rearing children? Can you be childless and be considered a mother? And where do birth mothers come in? Surrogates? Women who have lost children? It can get tricky.

It’s the “obvious” answers to the above, those “definitions”, that lead to hurt feelings. I cringe every time I hear that motherhood is bearing children. It isn’t that to me. In fact, motherhood is the opposite of that for me.

This motherhood label isn’t as black and white as you may think (have children = mother), I think motherhood is more a list than it is tally count of little humans.

A list of attributes with “meaning after meaning after meaning.” This list should bind us together as women instead of pit us against each other in categories of mommy wars. Unify. Empower. Enrich.

Eve was given the identity of “the mother of all living”—years, decades, perhaps centuries before she ever bore a child. It would appear that her motherhood preceded her maternity, just as surely as the perfection of the Garden preceded the struggles of mortality. I believe mother is one of those very carefully chosen words, one of those rich words—with meaning after meaning after meaning. We must not, at all costs, let that word divide us. I believe with all my heart that it is first and foremost a statement about our nature, not a head count of our children.”

-Patricia Holland, One Thing Needful: Becoming Women of Greater Faith in Christ

Thus, I started a new project.

For the next few months, possibly longer, I am going to post a photograph of motherhood with accompanying attributes. Let’s explore together the “meaning after meaning after meaning” of motherhood.

Care to join me? Email me a photograph of what motherhood looks like to you and a sentence or two to go along with it. I will do the rest. And it will be beautiful.

Motherhood? What does it mean to you?

My husband plays semi-pro football.

He recently had a game a couple hours away in warm St. George, Southern Utah.

We took the opportunity for a family weekend away to the red rocks.

I made road trip activity bags for the kids again. It included new movies for the van’s DVD player, snacks and coloring books. They hardly made a whiny peep the whole time. I swear, those goodie bags are the best idea I have ever had.

Baby Jack is the best little road tripper!

He loved to look out the window, talk to us, make faces at his brothers in the back seat and eat his toys. Jackson was born in the winter so being in the car with him now that it is starting to get hot makes me keep a special eye on him. I was grateful for the minivan’s sunshades that pull out of the door, giving him some shade, but still allowing me to roll the window down and get him some fresh air.

St. George is so pretty! We made some great memories.

It’s important to me to support Mr. R in his football playing endeavors and it’s important to me that my kids see their parents doing things that we love to do. I want them to know that we are well-rounded people, involved in more than work, house-cleaning and homework helping.

For Mr. R, that means playing football. The boys love to go to his games, cheer on Dad, dance to the music during the time outs and play on the field with their dad after the game.

He is their hero.

Full disclosure: I was compensated for this post by Ken Garff Honda of Orem.
Learn how you can save $500 on any vehicle purchase (new, used, lease) or 10% off service at Ken Garff Honda of Orem.

To celebrate, I am partnering with Blessings In a Basket, a wonderful online community for birth moms. Blessings In a Basket believes there is a Big Tough Girl in each of us. Part of their incredible community includes a retreat. This year the retreat is actually A CRUISE! Say whaaaa?

Who is this cruise for?

The Big Tough Girl Cruise is open to all big tough girls including Birth Mothers AND Adoptive Mothers AND Adoptive Mama Hopefuls.

This amazing retreat will include an art workshop on the serenity deck at sunset, open birthmom/adoptive mom panels where we will open the lines of communication-learn and heal from each other, private group sessions, so many free goodies for each of you, on-shore excursions and so much more. This will give you a chance to get away, come together and harness the healing power of the ocean and to do some major cleaning to your soul house!

• The 4 day cruise leaves from Los Angeles and stops at Catalina Island and Ensenada, Mexico.
• It departs LA on January 27th and returns back on January 31st.
• All Big Tough Girls need to be in Los Angeles BY January 26th. You will be meeting at a pre-assigned spot for dinner to enjoy an evening of getting to know everyone before you head to sea the next morning….let the vacay begin!
• The full cost is $600 and includes a shared hotel room on January 26th {in LA}, your cruise, all of your supplies for your soul work and the fabulous Big Tough Girl goodies.
• You are responsible for your travel and for your hotel if needed after we dock in LA on the 31st.

AAAAAND, I am giving away a FULL cruise pass. That’s right, we are celebrating Birth Mother’s Day by giving away A CRUISE! (Insert trumpets playing!)

To honor all you Big Tough Girls whom I call birth mothers (especially the three I love so dearly), there really is no better way than by giving one of you a much needed vacation with people who love and support you.

P.S. Even if you don’t win the giveaway, I hope you will still consider the Big Tough Girl Cruise as something that could help you grow and learn and heal. More details on the cruise here.

There is such a strong support system for those who are struggling with infertility. There’s also a strong adoption community. It’s the best of both worlds.

As Mother’s Day is this weekend, please to sensitive to those who are struggling with becoming a mother or who have struggled in the past. Give lots of hugs. Send a treat. Be patient. It can be a rough day.

More on the The Perfect Family (Infant Loss, Foster Care, Adoption)

The Perfect Problem: The Struggle with Infertility

Such a great time with such great ladies. I made some new friends …and we went out to dinner afterward!

Tomorrow night, May 9th, we will be performing at Thanksgiving Point in the Amber Room at 7 pm. I hope you will join us as we “give Mother’s Day a microphone”. It’s a show of live readings from local writers all centered around motherhood and what it looks like through our lens. You are sure to laugh, to cry and to call your mom on the drive home.

And you know what? I AM SO EXCITED! You better believe I will be practicing in front of the mirror all day today and tomorrow. My piece honors birth mothers and their motherhood and how it is linked to mine …a topic that is so important to me.

10% of ticket proceeds go to The Utah County Children’s Justice Center

Tickets are $10.00 online at the Thanksgiving Point box office or call 888.672.6040.

Use “LTYM2″ at check out to get $2 off the tickets in your basket. TODAY ONLY!

Win 2 tickets to the show from The Healing Group today only.

Happy Mother’s Day to ALL kinds of mothers.

When I say “we”, I mean The R House Couture with these crazy ladies–my business partners and best friends:

We handmade a sterling silver Create Joy necklace for each of the attendees–about 430 lucky individuals. It was a labor of love that was about half a year in the making. (I still cannot feel the tip of my left index finger, if I am being completely honest with you.)

I polished just about every single one personally at my kitchen table.

Although the jewelry was beautiful, I wanted each person that received one to know that is was handmade with love and to know where our hearts are when we create jewelry.

We are in the business of creating joy.

The stories surrounding the jewelry that we make for our clients are so moving–gifts from husbands to wives as they welcome home a new baby (these are usually overnighted LOL), adoption placement gifts, jewelry honoring lost loved ones, empowering gifts given to friends struggling with infertility or cancer, and so on.

We love to hear your stories. They drive our creativity and make us love what we do. Thank you for sharing them with us!

For some reason, I just felt so strongly that we needed to share just that with these bloggers at SNAP! Tauni (the creator of the conference) arranged for us to speak before dinner the first night. I had butterflies just thinking about 400+ people opening a gift that we made for them at the same time. My heart was full and humbled. So much anticipation!

There was just something so perfect about being able to pass out these necklaces personally and individually to each person.

Can you believe we fit our entire workshop in my minivan? It was a snap!

(You guys, I am crazy in love with this vehicle.) After everything was packed, Leisha and I looked at each other wondering what we were forgetting because there was so much space left over. (We never said that when we packed it up in my SUV, just so you know.) Dreamy.

The market was amazing and inspiring …but really, we were all dead tired. Drunk on tired. Slap happy even! We are exhausted, but it was an incredible opportunity.

I just want to thank everyone who came to SNAP! and Queen Bee Market for their big hearts. Thanks for sharing yourselves with us!

XOXO

Full disclosure: I was compensated for this post by Ken Garff Honda of Orem.
Learn how you can save $500 on any vehicle purchase (new, used, lease) or 10% off service at Ken Garff Honda of Orem.

Love on a hater.

Dealing with online negativity.

When does it turn into cyberbullying?

My blogging motto.

And just for giggles.

That Lucrecer is drinking the Love Kool-aid (as opposed to Haterade).

And she is doing it brilliantly.

Thank you, Lu!

Kim, Leisha and I are throwing a giant kick-off party this Wednesday in celebration of our new business, Spotted Owl Soap. We hope you will join us!
 

{Reserve a ticket for this FREE event for you and a friend. All the details are outlined for you here.}

It’s an open house style evening of socializing, great treats from Schmidt’s Pastry Cottage (owned by members of the adoption community!) and sampling of our all-natural, organic soap and body products.

Everyone goes home with a free goodie bag of our favorite goodies. We’ve been working hard getting these adorable sample size cuties ready for you. We just know you will love them!

We will also have a bar set up for you to create your own body polishing scrub to take home with you. Don’t worry, we will teach you how to do it!

“FREE” Event? What’s the catch?

There is no catch. You aren’t obligated to blog or Tweet or anything in between. After all, we know that once you’ve tried our lip balm, you’ll never be able to use anything else. You’re welcome!

The shop will be open that night.

We will have our best-selling items for sampling and for sale that night. There’s no obligation to purchase anything, but we will have darling little crates for you to fill with the items you love most to give as gifts. Hello Birth Mother’s Day and Mother’s Day!

What is Spotted Owl Soap?

Instead of cleansing powered by detergent additives, our handmade soap cleanses purely because it’s a well-formulated balance of nutritive vegetable oils and water joined together in a chemical reaction discovered hundreds of years ago. Pretty neat, right?

No dyes.

No fillers.

No detergent.

No animal fats.

No petroleum.

No joke.

…and everything in our shop smells amazing. For real.

Are your bath and body products available online?

• Shop: spottedowlsoaps.etsy.com
• Facebook: facebook.com/spottedowlsoap
• Twitter: @spottedowlsoap
• Instagram: @spottedowlsoap, #spottedowlsoap

 
Come and check us out. After all, life is too short to use soap that doesn’t make you smile.

*This post was originally posted here but I felt really strongly that this series needed to be re-posted in support of National Infertility Awareness Week.

Tuesday I introduced you to three people whom I love dearly who allowed me to interview them on the topics of miscarriage, pregnancy loss and infant loss. Yesterday they educated us on the DO’s and DO NOT’s of supporting a loved one through the loss. Today they are going to talk about the grieving process.

Kim and Laura, I know you both miscarried in 2008.

Are you still grieving? If so, what does your grieving process look like now compared to what it looked like immediately following the ordeal. How long did you grieve the loss and how did you finally overcome the sadness?

Kim

I do still grieve. I think mostly when I have my period every month. I am angry and sad and feel generally pissed off. I still haven’t lost the 10lbs from that pregnancy and the emotional eating afterward, so I feel that sometimes when my jeans are too tight. I see it in the years between my two girls…there is someone missing, someone not there and it stings. The pain is lessened. It does get better. You can breathe and move on but never forget. I don’t swear and throw fits and throw toys at the walls and punch holes in them anymore like I did in the weeks following the loss. However, I am still on medication for my postpartum depression. A necessity I am now seeing will probably be lifelong. I don’t know that the sadness ever goes away. Lots of prayer, lots of talking with my husband and close friends. Doing things to remind me of that baby. I have a box of cards and dried flowers and my hospital bands. I haven’t opened it since I put them there, but they are there and that means that this baby was real.

Laura

Technically, Zella should be three years old, but I don’t really keep track. Because of her condition and personal experiences, I never felt like she was intended to be a living child, so I was spared any bitterness about what might have been. I feel very blessed for that. I did, however, grieve my loss of control. I became obsessed with having another baby to regain control of family planning. But due to ongoing issues – you must be monitored for six months after a molar pregnancy to make sure you don’t develop cancer – I couldn’t do that immediately. That was extremely difficult for me. I cried A LOT, always in private.

Things that helped comfort me were online support groups, infant loss publications, others with similar experiences … oh, and good food, good entertainment and good company. Even if you don’t feel up for it, you will often feel better if you let yourself have a good time. Grief can wait; let yourself have some fun, even if you feel guilty. It also helped to have another baby – I had another girl 17 months later and am now expecting another (!) girl in August – because I was able to put the traumatic memories to rest as I replaced them with more positive ones.

Finally, we created a special box full of mementos from her birth. Things like ultrasound pics, her hospital bracelet and pictures taken shortly after her birth. In the beginning, I looked at it all the time, but now it’s something we pull out sporadically. It makes me happy, not sad. I have her footprints on display and a few Christmas ornaments representing her. She’s spoken of often in our home, to the point that my oldest refers to her on a frequent basis.

Brooke, what is helping you cope during these difficult times?

Brooke

During your loss and the time you took/are taking to grieve, you no doubt had friends and family members get pregnant–some with seemingly no effort.

Can you talk about how you were able to deal with “other people’s joy?” When friends and family members told you of their news, did they expect you to put your own pain aside and focus on them or were they sensitive to the anguish you were experiencing?

Brooke

People try to be good. Let’s preface it with that. It’s funny because in the month that I miscarried, two of my friends gave birth to healthy babies, three more were on the brink of delivery (and now have healthy babies) and six announced either the gender of their babies or their pregnancies. I was like “COME ON!” I think that it’s hard to remember the pain that others are going through when you’re really excited about something, especially if you’ve never felt that kind of pain before.

Kim

I think for me, suffering with my own little world of infertility and being involved with adoption, I was never jealous or sad when people got pregnant. Did it sting a bit? A bit, but I never blamed my friends or anyone else…it is not and could never be their fault that they were blessed with this miracle and I was not. Instead, finding joy in the miracle of a new life is what I did. The joy and happiness that others were feeling gave me the ability to find joy and hope in my life as well.

I think generally people were very understanding. Many people would send me an email or call me a few days before they announced their news. They were always very sensitive to how I was feeling, which made me feel important and special and did not minimize my loss in any way. It allowed me to be a part of something special in their lives to which I was grateful for.

Laura

Again, everyone is different. Because I had a living child, it wasn’t as painful for me to be around pregnant friends, because I’d had a successful pregnancy. It was hard to go to baby showers for women due the same time I had been, especially if people asked me questions like, “Are you ready for a second yet?” as if I’d never been pregnant.

What is an appropriate way for family members or friends to tell you they are expecting immediately following your loss?

Brooke

An appropriate way to announce a pregnancy to someone who is going through that pain would be through something very personal, like a phone call or letter in the mail, or even email, prefaced with “I am so sorry that you are going through this. I wanted to be the one to tell you about this because I didn’t want you to find out from someone else..” etc. Depending on how close the two people are, it might even be better to wait a few weeks to announce your pregnancy to anyone, if you’re willing to do that. But I know it’s hard to keep good news on the downlow.

Kim

Like I mentioned, maybe telling you first before telling everyone else. I want to be told, and not to hold off. I think I would feel worse if I didn’t know. I don’t want my nose rubbed in it. Maybe send flowers or a sweet card that says, “I have been thinking of you and your loss, and want you to know how much I care about you…because I care I know this news may be hard to hear, but I still want to share with you we are expecting a baby, and it is my hope and prayer that this happens for you again soon.” Something like that so that I would feel special and loved and acknowledged.

Laura

I think most people are sensitive for a limited amount of time, at which point they either forget or expect you to move forward, which is unfortunate. It’s very appreciated if people acknowledge the situation by prefacing announcements with “I know this could be sensitive since you lost your baby, but I wanted to tell you I am pregnant before you hear it from someone else. Please let me know if you want to know more, or if it’s too painful to be involved right now.” Same goes for shower invites – definitely invite them, but let them know you’ll understand if they aren’t up to attending.

How did/are your husbands grieving the loss? How are you able to help them in their grief while you are in pain also?

Brooke

That’s the neat thing about grief… when you are experiencing it, one of the only ways I’ve found to alleviate it is to help someone else through it. My husband, Steven, is so centered on helping me through this that sometimes he appears to be fine to others, which can make them act less sensitively to him. I try to listen to the small things he says that might indicate how he’s feeling about everything and then respond accordingly. I want to make every other aspect of his life totally pleasant so that on the hard days, he at least doesn’t have other stresses. We watch a lot of Modern Family when he needs a pick me up and have gone out for 2 AM shakes pretty frequently in the last couple of months.

Kim

My husband and I had just become foster parents the day before we lost our baby. We snuggled our little boy so much at that time. My husband took a week off from work and we stayed up late eating Love Potion 31 from Baskin Robbins and watching episode after episode of LOST. (THE best therapy, I highly recommend it.) We said lots of eff words and talked about how we were feeling. It is a tremendous blow for the husband as well and I think they get the shaft sometimes too. This was half of them as well, this was their baby too. Talking is the best way to deal with it.

Laura

When we first learned our baby’s terminal condition, I felt like my husband wasn’t as upset as me and sometimes that bothered me. (And let me preface: I have a really, really kind and sensitive husband. Like the kind of husband who does the laundry without being asked and listens to me cry/vent/complain without complaining.) In hindsight, I realize that he was focused on my needs first. He wanted to make sure I was okay before he dealt with his own grief. Over time, I saw his pain, displayed in his own way. Not only is he a guy who doesn’t cry much (like ever), but he hadn’t developed the same bond I had with our unborn child since he wasn’t carrying her. These days, however, he is more likely to remember her than I am, because he’s very protective of her memory and still processing the loss. His grief was more subtle and drawn out, but it’s no better or worse. Be understanding of your spouse, whether they seem more or less upset than you are. You can’t force them to grieve a certain way, but you can be clear about what you need from them in terms of emotional and physical support.

On hard days, what do you do?

Brooke

Honestly…. I covet other people’s pregnancies and newborns until I’ve cried myself out. Then I cry with my Mom, then I cry with Steven. I try to stay busy – cleaning, taking Gage to the park, finishing up projects, exercising. For me, if my mind is busy focusing on other things, I’m okay. I try to read something uplifting before I go to bed (which is usually really early on the bad days), then I make sure I have a busy day planned for tomorrow.

Kim

I hit Red Mango. I am a true emotional eater. This year on the anniversary of the loss I photographed on that day. I looked up online how big that baby was when he/she passed away and I photographed a fruit that was the same size. It made this baby tangible and visual. It was highly healing for me. Sometimes on the hard days I don’t want to talk about the baby at all. I want to pretend it never happened. Other times, it is all I want to talk about and think about…and sometimes I go back to my blog and read about the day we lost the baby. Mostly? I hit Red Mango.

Laura

I don’t have hard days any more. Those ended a within a year after Zella’s birth, mostly because my father developed terminal cancer, which redirected my grief. But when I did struggle, I just let myself be—a coping skill that helped me after my father’s death. When you want to cry, cry. When you want to laugh, laugh. Don’t make a game plan for your grief. Embrace it, feel it and let it go when it’s ready to leave, however short or long that might be. Know that some days will be better than others, and that when you least expect it, grief will come back to visit.

I love to look at Zella’s box and remember her. I love to share my experience and remind people that she existed. It was a miserable and painful experience, but it’s made me who I am—a better friend, a seasoned survivor and an appreciative mother.

__

Thank you, thank you Brooke, Kim and Laura for reliving your trials and sharing your heart with us! XO

*This post was originally posted here but I felt really strongly that this series needed to be re-posted in support of National Infertility Awareness Week.

Yesterday I introduced you to three people whom I love dearly who allowed me to interview them on the topics of miscarriage, pregnancy loss and infant loss. Today they are going to help us understand some DO’s and DO NOT’s when it comes to supporting a loved one through this trial.

During this time of loss, what did loved ones do to support you?

Brooke

In a physical sense, my Dad carried me to bed and gave me a Priesthood blessing which is the best support anyone can receive. My sweet husband was thousands of miles away in Ukraine, but he wrote to me almost hourly and called on Skype as often as I felt well enough to talk. My little brother and sisters who live at home were so gentle and sweet to me. What I loved was that they weren’t afraid to talk to me about it. Each of them came to me separately, at different times, and told me that they loved me and were so sorry. They had heard my screams during the final moments of the miscarriage, and instead of shying away from me and feeling shame or embarrassment, they completely embraced me. Other family members and friends sent emails and text messages, all of which I loved. I felt like the love that everyone was sending was helping to fill in the hole inside of me.

Kim

Lots of meals brought in. I asked for lots of help. I was recovering from a serious blow physically and emotionally. I called my bishop and Relief Society president. Had I not been a member of any church I would have called my friends and neighbors. They brought meals, cleaned, sent cards and flowers. One of my good friends gave me a statue of a mother holding a baby which I cherish, another friend brought me a teddy bear that I still sleep with sometimes to this day. We call it ‘peanut bear’ because that is what the nickname of the baby was…”peanut”. Those are small tokens but when times are hard we hold them dear.

Laura

Most people were kind and supportive, even if they didn’t say or do the right things. My mom flew out at a moment’s notice and stayed to help me recuperate after surgery. Friends provided meals when I got back from the hospital. Lots of people, including strangers, contacted me to express their condolences. Others sent gifts or offered to watch my daughter. People were very worried about me, and I could tell they wanted so badly to comfort me, even if they had no idea how to do it. I tried my best to focus on their intentions and not over-analyze their words.

What do you wish people had done to support you? What would have been helpful?

Brooke

Kim

Loved me. (Most people did.) Never minimize the loss. Especially for me when I was struggling with my faith in that regard, if someone would have said, “It was for the best.” I would have smacked them…and people did say that virtually. It was not okay. To me, it was a life, my life…part of me. I saw it moving, it’s heart was beating and for me, in that instant there was a life. I miss that life. I miss those 17 weeks I spend sick and tired and fat. I do not want that minimized. What would have been helpful? More ice cream…more shoulders to cry on. More hugs, more understanding. More bathroom scrubs. More babysitters for me time.

Laura

I felt like people fell into two camps: Those who pretended like nothing happened because they didn’t want me to feel upset or awkward, and those who persistently asked questions about my emotional state. Depending on the day, I loved or hated either group. Is that fair? No, but neither is infant loss. Knowing I was expecting the impossible (a perfect response to my exact sentiments on a given day), I tried to be understanding of others. The best response was when people just let me know they were there to talk when I felt up to it. Also, it was important to me that they still include me in regular activities and conversation. And while this may sound shallow, gifts are always great. They’re a tangible way of saying that you care and can provide distraction. (I highly recommend books, magazines and food for that reason.) For those with existing children, the gift of a few hours alone is also priceless. I often wanted a weekend by myself just to process things, but with a toddler, that was impossible.

What are some DEFINITE no-no’s that friends and family should avoid saying or doing? Can you explain why those things are hurtful?

Brooke

• Telling me why I miscarried as in: you were too stressed out, you shouldn’t have been so active, you need to just relax and take a vacation, maybe this is the Lord telling you to stop trying for a while, maybe you need to learn patience, etc. This is hurtful because most of the suggestions either imply that I did something wrong or that my miscarriage was caused by my spiritual immaturity. My doctor is far more qualified than anyone else to tell me why this has happened.
• Cracking jokes about it. This just makes me sick. It’s only happened once and it broke my heart.
• When someone else you’re close to finds out they’re pregnant or something like that in the midst of your miscarriage, it is really hard to separate their good pregnancy from your bad one. A HUGE don’t is: Do not get angry or upset if the person that has just miscarried isn’t acting excited about the other one’s pregnancy. Just know that they’re doing their best and that all they need is love and patience.

Kim

• “It was for the best.”
• “There was probably something wrong with the baby anyway.”
• “You can have another baby.”
• “You already have another child, can’t you just be thankful for that blessing.”

Well, for one, no one can really know what went wrong. Was it something that I did, did not do? Is there something wrong with me physically that is harming the baby? No one knows that answer, and you may never know. I don’t care if there was something wrong with the baby…that was may baby that I loved and hoped for and adored…don’t minimize that. That is like saying to someone who wears glasses, “You didn’t need your left eye…there was something wrong with it anyway.” No one knows, and especially in my circumstance that there will be another baby. To this day I still feel like someone is missing from my life, from my heart, from my soul. Even with my faith, I am LDS…I am still uncertain. I still don’t always feel I will get to see my baby again. Is that awful? I think that comes from everyone and their opinion…sometimes you just have to keep your opinions to yourself and just say, “That sucks. I am so so so sorry for your loss.” Because that is all you can say. The thing that infuriates me the most is when people say, “Why don’t you appreciate the children you already have?” Because…straight up, I had a dream. My dream was four beautiful children. That is a dream that will probably never come to reality. It is a great loss to my heart and soul. Besides, a statement like that is saying that in some way I am not grateful for my children, which could not be further from the absolute truth.

Laura

As I mentioned, people are generally well-intentioned and don’t mean to hurt you. They are at a loss for what to say and often make something up just to feel like they’ve tried. However, it’s better to admit that you don’t know what to say than to say something that could be offensive.

Here are some other pointers:

• Don’t judge grief – Everyone situation is unique and everyone will grieve differently, so it’s best that you just share your love for that person. Do not applaud them for “being strong” because that person may become afraid to open up on bad days for fear letting you down. It also perpetuates the idea that those who struggle after tragedy are weaker than those who appear to recover quickly. Odds are everyone is hurting inside, but not everyone is comfortable exposing their pain publicly.
• Don’t hypothesize – Do not try to make sense of their loss. Don’t tell them it was meant to be. Don’t tell them that it was a fluke. Don’t tell them it was because of something they did or didn’t do. Let the parents come to their own conclusions, medically and spiritually. When you hypothesize, you are minimizing their loss.
• Don’t rank tragedy – Every loss is a loss, whether it was days after a positive pregnancy test or moments after delivery. Most consider each additional week of pregnancy lost a bigger tragedy, but that’s not necessarily so. In my experience, a woman who discovers she is pregnant instantly loves her unborn child and creates a mental future for them. Losing that dream is devastating at any stage. Some struggle more with early miscarriage than stillbirth, and vice versa. It just depends, so refrain from assumptions.
• Don’t compare – Comforting someone should not include any one-uppers. That means you should tell them about a friend who had it worse. That means you don’t compare an experience you had with the death of a grandparent or another life obstacle. You don’t make people feel better by emphasizing the positive. You make them feel misunderstood, marginalized and weak.
• Do use the right words – Medically, a miscarriage is when a pregnancy ends before 20 weeks. However, I don’t feel like I miscarried Zella. After all, we held her, named her—we even blessed her per our religious tradition. I prefer to call it pregnancy loss or infant loss. Carefully listen to find out what someone prefers. Do they refer to the baby by name? Do they include the baby in their family head count? Was it a miscarriage, genetic disorder or stillbirth? Know the facts and try to remember them. I love it when friends refer to Zella by name because it makes her feel more real. And I’m touched that my extended family knows her birthday and counts her among the family, even though I generally don’t include her in our head count. (Mostly because it just gets confusing. Although I do remind my kids that Zella never talks back to me.)
• Do remember – I was shocked by how many people, including close friends, forgot about our experience within weeks of it happening. They’d ask questions like, “When are you going to try for another one?” Or say things like, “You sure spaced them far apart.” I had to remind them we had tried for another. Often they would backtrack, but sometimes they would brush it off like Zella’s pregnancy didn’t count. Not cool.
• Do teach people – Generally, you should avoid overanalyzing what people say, because it is very easy to be offended when you are emotionally fragile. However, where possible, you should let people know a better way to do it. (“You know, I really feel for your friend who had seven miscarriages, but as this is the hardest thing I’ve ever done so far, so I’d prefer not to compare.”)
• Do share your experience – Pregnancy loss is sadly very common, yet so many people feel alone. Reach out to others and share your story. Give them hope that there is life after tragedy without preaching.

I personally feel like the emotional pain of miscarriages, pregnancy loss and infant loss is something that people don’t seem to understand as a form of infertility.

From many of the people I have talked to who have survived pregnancy loss, they often feel ashamed at the loss or like others are blaming them/treating them like they did something wrong to cause the loss. Many of them feel unheard. If you were able to say something, anything in defense of women and families who are overlooked in this situation, what would it be?

Brooke

You have just been through something horrific. Don’t downplay it in your heart. Accept the love from everyone around you and let it carry you until you’re strong enough to carry yourself again. Ignore the criticism and “advice”. Don’t answer your phone or respond to emails if you don’t want to. Rest. Let other people watch your kids for a while. Remember that much of your anger and sorrow is amplified by your hormones. You didn’t make this happen. Find a way to believe that. Dismiss thoughts of guilt as soon as they come.

Kim

Having been there, and knowing those feelings exactly…understand that you may know in your heart you did nothing wrong…of course you did not, but you need to understand that guilt may never go away. I think that is normal. I think learning to memorialize the child in some way, especially if you were not able to see them or bury them is very important. I think it is just something in our culture that is still a bit taboo, like a baby isn’t a baby until 20 weeks or until they breathe…those things are silly and foolish and should be changed…a baby is a baby when you, deep in your heart feel it is a baby, your baby. Don’t be ashamed. Talk about it, share it, blog it…shout it to the world. EDUCATE people. If you aren’t strong enough to do that, guest blog it…ghost write it, do something, I promise it will help you feel so much better and get through it.

Laura

No matter the situation, there is a part of you that feels like damaged goods. Every time I go to a doctor’s appointment, I have to rehash my medical history, as if Zella was a science experiment. I have to deal with people who think I either overreacted or under-reacted to our experience–or just avoid the topic altogether. I have to endure people who want to make themselves feel safe from loss by suggesting something I could have done to avoid the situation. But in the end, it’s no one’s fault. Medically speaking, infant loss happens, often for no obvious reason. Spiritually speaking, infant loss is one of life’s many hardships that teach us compassion and love. No one is immune from tragedy. Everyone will walk in darkness at some point, so they should focus on being a bright light rather than assigning blame. Don’t let them do it, and don’t do it to yourself.

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Tomorrow we will be talking about what grief looks like during this difficult time.