The Ram Spot

Public Frenemy #1

2011-05-03T12:58:00.000-07:00

People everywhere are celebrating the death of Osama Bin Laden. I have mixed feelings about this whole media blitz that is currently taking over lives. So in-spite of the irony any and hilarity that is surrounding us right now I would just like to point a few things out.

1. People are celebrating somebody's death.
2. Republicans are retardedly claiming credit for his killing to work that George W. started.
3. This is a monster that we created because once upon a time the Al qeada served our interest.

Point 1 and 2 don't really need more clarity sarcasm added. So the only logical thing to do is compare the US to high school teen angst dramedy to help explain point #3.

Remember Mean Girls? Or She's all That, Never been Kissed? Basic premise; A nerdy girl is made into prom queen because it served somebody's desire for revenge or helped somebody win a bet. There is an uneasy relationship between the nerd girl and her too-cool-for-school helpers. Not quite friends, not quite enemies... Wait for it...

FREMEMIES!!!!!

Those are examples of movies you saw that made you dumber. Now for one that if you've seen it made you smarter. Charlie Wilson's War. The true story of how a senator used covert ops and garnered support for the Al Qeada because it helped free Pakistan from Soviet invasion. We(The United States) funded, trained, armed and put in place the Al Qeada because it gave us leverage in reducing Soviet(our greater enemy at the time) power. This is a fact. Bin Laden shortly after that worked for the CIA as a tactician. What did we do next? Did we help build schools over there? Did we help them build their own democracy? Did we establish them as an ally? Did we completely abandon them after they served our purpose leaving behind American resentment and replacing the Soviets on their most hated list? ding, ding ding! Osama is a way easier target for our hatred than our government though right? But the mistakes of our past led to tragedy. Not the Jihad, not the Muslim faith. Any way you slice it, The Reagan(gasp!!!) and Carter administrations started the ball rolling that led to the tragedy of 911.

Like every teen movie it all spirals down to confrontation that embarrasses the people that played with other people's lives. Try to figure out if we are the good guys in this scenario.

But we've had frememies before. Remember when we sold Saddam Hussein chemical weapons. Once again, shortly after Reagan was elected. that turned out great for us as well.

Quick shout out to the patriot act that will probably make this my most-read post to date.

Smiley Face!!!!

Ram on feminism

2011-03-10T08:40:00.000-08:00

Heidi-ho campers!

As usual This post will start with something semi-related as an excuse to make fun of something, express my opinion and then bring you to realize how all of the thoughts seemed related while swimming around in this crazy head of mine. Today I want to talk about feminism(Gasp!), but first a story.

An old high school friend of mine looked me up through this wonderful thing called facebook. It had been about 10-11 years since we had last spoke and it is always fun to reminisce about the days when you used to run around after school and pull wild pranks and get into trouble and such. Of course the obligatory boring questions were first on the list. What are you up to nowadays? You guys have any kids? How's life... bla bla bla. She said her and her husband were still married, no kids yet etc. She also said that she was a dancer and a motivational speaker for feminism. I felt my stomach churn a little bit when I heard this. If you read the Spearhead or Citizen Renegade (both blogs fully endorsed by The Ram Spot), you would know the general point of view about feminism (that is not completely shared or endorsed by the Ram Spot... gotta keep the Bloglovin readers), is that feminism and the fembots that represent it are actually what is destroying America, ruining the dating scene for men, and is the reason for the divorce rate being so high. I wasn't sure we could be friends anymore. I responded "Feminist are kind of like Muslims. People hear that word and cringe because the worst advocates of the fem movement give the rest of them a terrible name."

Think about it. What image pops into your head when you hear the word feminist? Don't lie. It is an angry dike with a chip on her shoulder isn't it. Either that or the chick in a bandanna flexing her bicep.

Now for my personal take. My parents were staunch conservatives. I love them dearly, but I have never had the desire to take on other people's battles or judge people in situations I have never been in and don't plan to be in. For instance, the abortion issue and gay rights have always influenced what political party or candidate my parents would endorse because they think those things are wrong. Do they affect them? No not at all, but they are not going to stand for the further decline our country(in their opinion). I guess the point I'm trying to make here is that whether I agree or disagree, approve or disaprove, like or dislike feminism and the feminist movement is actually pretty irrelevent. It's not really my battle. Even though the opinion of people who have blogs matters way more because we have blogs, I'm pretty happy sitting this one out. I do however have one distinct opinion on it;

Guys... It's our fault!

This may not make me popular with the male readers... but as always I'd rather be popular with the ladies. There was a time when men were men and as the weaker sex, women needed men. Women were ok with this dynamic... shit, they preferred it. Somewhere along the line (I'm going to say around the late 60's). The idea of what it meant to be a man started to change. There started to be more fatherless children being raised by mothers, feminine pretty boys begun to embrace their rock star sex symbol status, society as a whole forced this idea that it was OK for us not provide, not protect, be gay or metro on us and we ate the whole pie. It was justification for men to make babies and not care for them, date as many women as they wanted etc. John Wayne and Humpry Bogart roll over in their grave when the Jonas Bros or Bieber are called sex symbols. Think that shit would fly in their day? The point is what the fuck did you guys expect? We abandoned women a long time ago(when it was convenient for us to) and now we are upset that they don't need or want us anymore...

That's not entirely true though. Be a man, a real man and see if the fem point of view rattles you. It won't. You will assume they are so angry at the loser-esque guys that don't handle their bidness, not you. Women need to be stronger, more confident, more opinionated nowadays. They don't have guys that are capable of taking care of them in their life. Let's all quit bitching and make ourselves a needed part of the equation again.

And for the record, I don't hate Sarah Palin because she is a woman or I am against female leaders in any sort of way. I hate her because she is stupid. I hate all stupid people equally.

Now let's interview the worlds leading feminist Ali G style!

The King of Cleveland

2011-03-01T13:12:00.000-08:00

Sorry for the Absence peeps. Us black folk take black history month seriously. But The Ram Spot is back and better than ever. Today we have to look no further than the wide world of sports to find the next victim to fall under the dexter of blogging's knife! LeBron James.

Not to completely plagiarize an entire article I read, but a lot of quotes are necessary here. It all started when Daniel(Booby) Gibson declared himself the new "King of Cleveland at his birthday party last weekend during a champagne toast. Since LBJ's overly publicized decision to leave Ohio and "take his talents elsewhere", Cleveland has been without a true superstar or even a go to guy. They flat out suck. But, for some reason this still irked LeBron. Enough to make tweets about it.

It is pretty stupid for a guy named Booby to proclaim himself the king of anything, much less the shittiest basketball team in the league. That's like being proud that you are the smartest kid in a special needs class. But, it is even dumber for LeBron to get upset about it.

Twitter is not only the way to talk shit and air your dirty laundry, it is also the best new way to be the bigger man.

OOOOOH Snap!!!! Where's the popcorn

And how did the biggest non-story in sports end? Pretty anti-climatically. It just ended. See they realized that they were fighting over the most worthless title ever. I mean the "King of Cleveland"... Really...

It's kind of hard to pick a winner in this one. Talking shit over a tweet is soo not gangsta BronBron. I don't even have to make fun of a guy that calls himself Booby, do I? So just like when teams have a matching record at the end of the season and a complicated system determines their playoff rank, we put all this information into our number crunching computer to find out who the real "King of Cleveland' is.

And The Winner is...

Cleveland!

The friggin city is named after him for Pete's sake. No tweets, No shit-talking. How can you argue with that? Plus he's hilarious. I was about to crown myself the king of Waco, but these idiots helped me remember that Waco sucks. It really isn't better to be a big fish in a shitty pond. Because you are still, after all in a shitty pond.

Valentines Edition (Man Down)

2011-02-16T08:10:00.000-08:00

Happy Valentines Day Peeps!

Shout out to the Bloglovin readers who are taking a break from reading about fashion and or cooking to read a healthy dose of sarcasm on this lovely day. (Ignorant assumption #1) If you sit around reading fashion and cooking blogs you are probably single and female. Thats why I would like to dedicate today's post to you lovely ladies.

For quite some time I have been one of those guys that has been notoriously and consistently single. My sisters used to call me the Mexican George Clooney (whatever that means). No one and I mean no one has ever made as much fun of his friends for being in or wanting a committed relationship (*see past post titled Hunter > Gatherer). "Girlfriends are lame", "Have you seen your nuts in a while", "Ask so and so if you can borrow your balls and come hang out tonight", "How was Grey's Anatomy last night" Just a few of the ways I would raz my friends who had girlfriends, wives or significant others. But there was one diss that stood out above the rest. "Man Down".

Love is a battlefield. A battlefield with many casualties. Your friend that used to have more time to kick it with you, drink beer and play sports is usually the most common one. A band of brothers leaves no man behind. It is our duty to tease and ridicule our fellow soldier back into his ready for "war" form. This might sound stupid. "Man Down" is the lowest tongue in cheek blow that can be dealt to one of your boys. Irony is a bitch ya'll cause this man is down. And I am not immune to the ridicule grenades I have launching at friends for years now. Big tree fall hard. It's either from a sonnet or the Taming of the Shrew, but Shakespear said for love you have to sacrifice yourself on the alter of public dignity. My real hope is that if I steal people's thunder and make fun of myself I can dodge the rest of the teasing that I have all but guaranteed will be heading my way soon. Whatever... My girlfriend hot. Be jealous bitches!

But... This is not one of those cheesy sentimental blogs it's the muthafuckin Ram Spot, and this is post is dedicated to my single female readers remember. So in short, sweet, sarcastic, to-the-point fashion: the moral to the story. It's obvious guys have their own language and if you want to get a good one and keep him you have to learn to speak it. There is one thing and one thing only that makes enduring ridicule and giving up treasured freedom worth it to guy. Blow jobs. Give them before he asks and he's yours forever.

Happy Valentines!

This Just In! People (including you) are stupid

2011-02-08T09:40:00.000-08:00

Something dawned on me the other day when I was in office depot picking up supplies. People will believe whatever they want to. The girl at the cash register was wearing one of those ionic power bracelets. I mentioned in passing something like: "You know those things don't work, right."
"Uh... Yes they do" (picture a high school age girl rolling her eyes and one of those annoyed voices for the full effect.

Classic Ram rewind of of the story-o (insert garbled rewind sounds here)

I read multiple articles and saw a bunch of reports talking about how there was no scientific research to back the claims that these ionic bracelets and necklaces improved balance, blood flow or even affected the ions or white blood cells... Quite the opposite actually. They have little to no effect medically on the people that wear them. Not that big of a story right.

Something happened here Texas last fall, Dallas to be specific, but all of Texas. The Rangers went to the World Series and baseball became relevant again. Fans starting popping up out of nowhere. I gotta confess as a casual fan of the sport that only really follows it in the playoffs. I was completely enthralled. Only 1 other time in my life have I been that captivated by the sport and that was when Boston came back on the Yankees all those years ago. Ironically I found myself online one night after a playoff game looking up these necklaces all the players have on and was ready to spend $60 on something that gives me instant balance and power. Who wouldn't spend $60 on that? I wasn't the only one. Everywhere I went I started to notice these bracelets and necklaces being worn by just about everybody. Not only that the celebrity endorsers included Kobe Bryant, Dwight Howard, Robert Dinero, Shaq. The entire Lakers, just about every pro baseball player, Betty White, and Misses Butters worth. People swear by them. They also are in complete denial that they are the victims of a cheap parlor trick.

Research was done on these trinkets, originally to back their claims, but eventually it turned into the fact that they don't do anything at all. Want proof? Here ya go.

For the first time ever I would like to thank my short attention span. See I spent about 10 minutes shopping around for one of these on the Internet but didn't get one. There are way cooler things on the Internet. Boobs for starters. For the record I would also like to say that I am amazed at how stupid and gullible I personally can be. Let's review. A hologram charged with negative frequency can give you strength... And I believed this hook line and sinker! Fool me once shame on me... The most amazing thing is that 100% of the people I know that were stupid enough to buy one refuse to think they got ripped off. They are absolutely convinced that the bracelet works. No shit. I've thought about trying to convince them otherwise but have since changed my mind. If you believe the the force gives you Jedi powers... OK bad analogy.

The point is our mind is more powerful than we know. A trinket and a little belief can go such a long way. The funny thing is that the stock in the power band companies has been plummeting as of late. If they had marketed this the same way as a mystic crystal purchased at a PHISH concert brings you positive juju they probably would have had the same amount of success without the negative fallout. Oops

New words of wisdom.

If it needs an infomercial it probably doesn't work.

If it promises super powers it probably doesn't work.

If it says it gives you something people work really hard for with little to no effort that's just silly.

And last but not least if it promises to enhance your male parts... It can't.

Unless you truly believe in it that is.

OK fine... You caught me. I'm really just mad somebody thought of this before me. Speaking of power bands this guy could've really used one.

2011-02-07T09:14:00.001-08:00

Follow my blog with bloglovin

Huck Finn, The N-word and why MLK is my nigga (that's right I said it)

2011-01-18T08:29:00.000-08:00

I'm sure I didn't score any PC points with that title. I prefer to ask for forgiveness instead of permission. That's kinda my motto. As a black man trapped inside a half white half mexican body that dates a jew, I feel like I can definately comment on all of the ever present race issues. "Ram you're not black" Well, lets do the math shall we. Do I play basketball? Yes. Do I love my mama? Yes. Do I eat the shit out of chicken and watermelon? Listen to hip hop? Date white girls? Yes, yes and yes. Who are you to say I'm not black is the better question.

Recently in an atempt to make the book Huckleberry Finn more PC and less offensive several sensitivity groups have petitioned to have the N-word removed from it. The biggest opposition to this did not come from Republicans, racisist, clan members or white people. The biggest opposition to this has come from my fellow black men. Appearantly this will discredit the reality of how hard slavery was and how far things have actually come. My take; This is a very controvercial word. It's weird but in a way the fact that black people are gradually becoming less and less offended by it has helped it lose it's power. Some of the most racist things out there are things that encourage any type of segregation. BET, United Negro College Fund, Black history Month, the fact that only black people can use this word are no exception. These things segregate and hurt more than they help. I heard comedian say this so I'm not taking credit for it. There are 3 pronuciations of the N-word. G-G-E-R with clear ERR sound and over enunciation is the most offensive. You know a word is bad if it's the only word that a redneck can clearly enunciate. I think that the movement should be in the other direction. People should equally be able to use this word. Dr. King himself preached that choosing to get offended by words intended to belittle is the real problem. When I hear deflating, racist and derrogotory speech, I assume they are not talking about me. Which leads me to my next point.

Dr King fought to achieve equality. In my opinion the biggest opposition to the removal of the N-word from literature would have been MLK JR himself. That is why I have waited til today to comment on this. It is also controvercial as to whether or not MLK Day should be recognized as a holiday. Martin Luther King Jr. Accomplished many great things. Let's not forget the most important thing he accomplished... Giving me the day off from work. THIS IS NOT A RASCIST STATEMENT. I am going to celibrate the day by being as lazy as humanly possible. None of this should be about race. It should be about being awesome. Be awesome and people will always remember you. Be awesome and someday your birthday will be holiday. I had a dream too. I had mine because I was still asleep at 11:30 AM yesterday morning. Thanks Martin.

Will I get shit about writing this? If you read the whole thing maybe, maybe not. If you assume negative things assumed are assumed about you, definately. My point is we can't control what other people do or say, but we can control if we get offended by it or not. I hope the point was clearly made.

All progress is precarious, and the solution of one problem brings us face to face with another problem.
Martin Luther King, Jr.

Bitches be Scandalous!

2011-01-15T09:39:00.000-08:00

I would like to thank Citizen Renegade for the original idea for this. I hope my take on things isn't simply the same shit in a different toilet as I would like to focus on the content of some of these findings and less on the woman hating aspect of the scientific proof. My mission is not to burst your bubbles as much as it is let you know what you are getting into. In a blog post he(Roisy) referenced this show called "The Science of Sex Appeal". It comes on the Discovery channel. I never read his original article but did get caught up watching several clips of this show. One episode shows that women could see a picture of a guy and rate how attractive he is in plain clothes with no details about him revealed. Let's say he gets 5. Then see a picture of the same guy in a dating profile listing a very high income or stating that he owns a record label and drives a Ferrari and women will rate a 8 or 9. Conversely they could see a guy that is rated very attractive with no information about him known in a dating profile stating that he has a retail or low paying type job and rate him drastically lower. Interesting shit. Scientifically proving something we have all known and are not too surprised to hear. Women are shallow! (or that millions of years of evolution has made them more attracted to a capable provider)

Well it appears the point of this show is scientifically back the male population in every argument they would every get in with their significant others. This episode proves that women are scandalous as hell. I'll let you watch this clip real quick before I go any further.

See boys, science is on our side... Kind of. I am constantly surprised by how intuitive women are. Hands down far above any guy. It doesn't make sense that poker is not completely dominated by women. It is also safe to say that women have no desire to understand their hunches and feelings about people or social situations. They are usually right and that is all they need to know. Guys have spent monumentally more time trying to figure women out than women will ever spend on understanding themselves. This is not a rant of an anti feminist sap who has been cheated on by his tramp girlfriend. This is something called scientific proof. AKA something that you cannot argue against. Here is what not just one, but several studies have come to conclude.

Women who are in a "committed" relationship send out the most and strongest invitations for other guys to come hit on them when they are ovulating(most fertile) and when they are out without their significant other. They wear the most revealing clothes, dance the most provocative and actually even flirt with other guys way more than single women do.

Scientifically proven fact, no longer something you wonder about when she is out having girls night. She will dress sexier, dance dirtier and be more flirtatious for a complete stranger or "just some guy" than she will for you her loving boyfriend. Get used to it.

Depressed yet?

Now watch this banned Bridgestone Tires commercial about cheating bitches(literally) cause it's funny and I said so.

Who is that masked man?

2011-01-14T09:38:00.000-08:00

For those of you that know me and have known me for a while I only have 2 things that I fantasize about with the 2-3 minutes of my day that aren't taken up with being awesome. Since I can't afford the kind of chicks that would double down on a guy like me(office space referance), I mostly think about how awesome my life would be if it was a comic book. Appearantly a guy in Seatle has the same fantasy I do. Not the 3-some thing.. well maybe we share that fantasy too. Whatever... a dude in Seatle has decided to be a super hero. Not just that, him and his friends have a whole justice league that patrol the mean Seatle streets.

His name is Phoenix Jones.

Is that his real name? Who knows? Seatle seems like the type of place where you could get away some shit like this. I mean really... on his average night he probably thwartz some yuppie from jacking coffee condiments at the Starbucks or one of the other gazillion coffee shops there. On a side note I jacked a handful of splenda packets from Race Track the other day. Catch me if you can Mr. Jones.

Some times life imitates art. This looks like it is straight out of the movie Kick Ass. This garned national attention few weeks ago because he really did stop a car-jacking, and again the other day when he got his nose broken while trying to break up a street brawl. "Phoenix Jones says he called the police when he saw a brawl brewing in Lynnwood and put one man in a headlock while he waited for police. But then another man pulled a gun and the superhero's nose was broken."

His suit incorporates a bulletproof vest, trauma plating on his arms and legs and other sensitive areas. His utility belt, to borrow a phrase from fellow crimefighter Batman, includes a Taser, Mace and tear gas. This is Seatle though, I hope this fool is packing an umbrella.

But Seattle police Detective Mark Jamieson said the wannabe crimefighters risk severe injury when they put themselves into potentially volatile situations.
'If you see something, call 911,' Det. Jamieson added. Police department spokesman Jeff Kappel said last week: 'There's nothing wrong with citizens getting involved with the criminal justice process - as long as they follow it all the way through.' He said police would prefer that people call 911 and be good witnesses, rather than getting involved personally and risk injury or death.

Ice Cube said "Fuck tha Police!" Chris Ram said "Keep doing what you do Phoenix." This guy is awesome! For real! If anybody deserves two chicks at the same time it's definately him. It is early in tha 11, but I smell the first oficial candidate for man of the year. Now watch this video.

The Rammies 2010 part 2

2011-01-11T08:00:00.000-08:00

Yea, Buddy! Funny how shit works out. There are tons of things that deserve being comented about going on right now. We have CES, fraudulant products, The NFL playoffs. And I'm stuck finishing this stupid year in review post that I started. Well, luckily I jot down my ideas and re-open them later. So don't worry. Things will not escape my wrath that deserve it. So I am going to oficially close the book on 2010 and finish giving it the burial it deserves by handing out my 5 remaining Rammie awards. Drumroll please. The next award goes to...

Fuckface of the year: The guy that broke my window and stole my stereo.

I usually like to flesh my ideas out a little and creatively add perspective to things that you may or may not have had before. But seriously... Fuck that guy! Thats all I got.
Runner Up: Sarah Palin

Hide and Go Seek Champion of The Year: Bigfoot

So what if this guy wins every year. He's the best for a reason. I eat beef jerky everytime I'm near the forrest hoping I can catch a glimpse, but no luck.
One day Mr Sasquatch...
One day
Runner Up: The Fuckface That Jacked my Stereo, You don't have to come and confess. We gonna find you. Run and tell that homeboy!

Dance Move of The Year: The Dougie

I can sense a few of you getting ready to hate on this already. Usually when Bieber teaches Barbera Walters a dance step on air it's pretty stupid and deserves to be spiked like a volleyball. I've been doin tha dougie since 08' before the world caught on. If you are from Dallas and involved in the nightlife then you know the truth. This is simply the rest of the world giving a nod to the south. And by the way. You aint messin with my dougie.
Runner up: The Fist Pump

Reality Show of The Year: Jersey Shore

If you told me 5 years ago that beaded t-shirts, over-gelled hair, fake tans, steriods, being italian and a fat midget named snookie would dominate telivision I would have laughed at you. You cannot deny the cultural relevence of this show. Everyone is saying GTL and DTF and T-shirt time. I even have a JS nickname. Chris Ram aka "The Distraction". As hard as is it is to pick any reality show other than Survivor which I am a hardcore fan of this show is entertaining whether you actually like or not. How can you deny that.

Man of The Year: Isaiah Mustafa (Old Spice Guy)

Look at your man. Now read my blog. Back to your man. Now back to my blog. Unfortunately your man is not as witty as my blog, but at least he can smell like it.

So there you have it. Goodbye 2010.

2010 a year in review The Rammie awards part 1

2011-01-05T08:05:00.000-08:00

It has been a surprisingly slow week for current events to comment on. I have been tempted to dust off some of the older blog post I started writing, but that is no fun at all. It seems like everywhere you look every website, blog and show is talking about the year that has just passed. Everyone is giving you the top ten movies of 2010, the 10 most downloaded songs etc. Well I have decided to hand out my own awards. Everything good and bad about the year 2010. There will be no rhyme or reason to the categories and or the winners, this is simply the shit I feel like talking about. So without further ado the first annual 2010 Rammie awards.

Best Movie: Inception
This one was actually very easy to pick. Christopher Nolan's brilliance seems to get better and better with every movie he makes. Besides the appeal of all the action and ground breaking special effects you feel like Nolan just got done having sex with your brain after watching it, and you like it too. Runners up: Tron Legacy, Iron Man 2

Worst Movie: The Last Airbender
Again not even close. This is easily the 2 hours of my life I want back the most from last year. This is the perfect example of a whole being far worse than the sum of it's parts. Helped coin the phrase "I just dropped an Airbender"
Runner up: The Tourist

Best Viral Video: Antoine Dodson/Bed Intruder

I don't care who you are this shit is funny. Still makes me laugh after seeing it 100 times.
Runner up: There is no runner up, this is the greatest viral vid ever.

Best New Political Party: The Rent Is Too Damn High Party

Do you know how much a house queens cost? $77,000.00 a month! Do you know how much it cost to put a roof over your head? Of course not you don't! You know why... "Cause the rent is too damn high!" Unfortunately this guy is not the new governor of New York, but he gave all of America hope. Can you believe that in a political debate some one actually said; "I'm not going to say anything about my opponents because I am a karate master." On a similar note I would like to announce my candidacy for local government (comptroller). I will be running under the My Phone Bill Is Too Fucking High ticket.

Invention of The Year: The Shakeweight

As far as I am concerned this thing is a stroke of genius. Some guys at a bar one day were probably joking around about how cool it would be if they could convince women to take handjob lessons and make them pay for it. Then the other guy said "Yeah, I wish my girlfriend would work out more and give better hj's". Well 2+2 still equals 4 in America. Because those guys are rich now and can probalby afford skinnier girlfriends that are ex pornstars or hj pros. Plus this, like the Snuggie shows that if you aren't afraid to make fun of yourself you can successfully market a worthless product. I wonder if Don Draper approved these adds.

Stay tuned folks there are still 5 more Rammies to hand out!

Blame it on the alcohol

2010-12-29T09:17:00.000-08:00

It is a super slow week and I have been slacking on my writing duties super bad. So instead of finishing my 1 of the 20 something blogpost I've started writing I am going to do a top 5 list of my favorite drunk youtube clips. Trust me it was super hard to narrow it down. Did I just ust the word "super" 3 times in the same post?

Top 5 Drunken Youtube clip

#5 How to fail a breathalyzer

#4 Drunk Interrogation

#3 Drunk flip flop guy

#2 Drunk guy vs the hill

#1 Drunkest guy ever tragedy remix

Stay tuned Ram-nation I will Bring it later this week!

Zombie movies and bad first dates.

2010-12-25T08:18:00.000-08:00

What up peeps!

I'd like to take a quick second to thank my readers from Google Buzz and Bloglovin. It still blows my mind that complete strangers read my silly little blog and that a few of you take the time to write in and ask questions or just say how much you enjoy(or hate) The Ram Spot. Thanks alot guys. I'm planning another mailbag post, especially since I can't tell if your letters are serious or not. Don't worry I will make fun of all of you equally. Keep telling your friends and I'll remember to be merciful to you after take over the world. If any of you are interested there is a facebook fan page. Sign up right over here --->

It's funny to me how my own mind works. The way I relate things to each other is pretty weird for lack of a better word. It makes sense to me though. Pretty recently I went on what was one of the worst first dates I have ever been on. Pretty early on in the date she started checking her phone. Pet peeve of mine and strike one. She interrupted me a lot and would zone out in the middle of conversation... Strike 2. At the point that I lost interest and I started drinking a significantly more arrogant, less polite, more-of-an-asshole version of myself made an appearance. Then the final straw... she made several remarks eluding to the fact that guys always buy her drinks. There was a lot of assumption on her part. That even though She did nothing to impress me and or hold my interest it was my duty to fall in line with all the other idiots that bribe her for approval by buying her drinks. I was drunk and the filter got thrown out quite some time ago. So I very bluntly stated that I was more polite, funnier, and in my mind simply brought more to the table than she did on that night. She should be buying my drinks. And I meant it too. We were officially over torturing each other any longer and instead saying goodnight I said; "I don't think we will ever talk to each other again...." I trailed off ambiguously so she could accept or reject the statement. "We could maybe be friends" she replied. This time there was no uncertainty in my statement. "We're never going to talk to each other again." And that's how I left it. Never say never right? Hold that thought....

Do you remember the first time you saw a zombie movie? It probably didn't impress you too much did it? Then out of nowhere something quirky, or witty, or endearing happens. You see a zombie that got bit while he was in the bathtub and he still carries around his rubber ducky. You chuckle under breath a little and then all of sudden you just get it. Every zombie in every movie had some weird, stupid or normal situation right at the point they became zombified, and it's fucking hilarious. Not campy, not really scary, just funny. And it wins you over. The next thing you know you are joking with one of your friends about something you saw and you realize; "OMG I am a fan of zombie films. How the fuck did that happen?"

It's ironic that zombies come back from the dead, that girl and I are together now. I didn't talk to her for 5 weeks after the date we went on. I could finish the story and tell you about the quirky endearing and transitional things that have happened, but they haven't stopped happening yet. She sucks at sayings and never gets them right. Instead of saying "the proof is in the pudding" or "put your money where your mouth is" she will commonly say things like "put your pudding where your mouth is". OMG I am a fan of zombie films. How the fuck did that happen?

I guess ending with a saying would be appropriate. "Never judge a book by it's cover" is played out. I'd rather invent a new saying anyway. Bad date does not equal bad person. Maybe you just don't get the joke yet. You never know... She just might be your zombie movie.

This doesn't really relate, but I thought it was funny so enjoy.

New Business plan... Slap Incorporated

2010-12-17T07:19:00.000-08:00

Once upon a time, in a drunken state far, far away your boy Ram had a brilliant idea for a business plan. I laid out in perfect detail to my friend how we should start Chip and Dip Midgets Incorporated. We would pay funny, drunk, wisecracking midgets (sorry little people) to wear these giant sombreros and walk around at parties. Wait... it gets better. Inside the top of the center of their hat would be dip and in the outer ring would be chips and orderves. It would be the perfect waist height party tray floating around the crowd. Plus they would walk around kicking people in shin and getting drunk and grinding up on all the girls at the party and such. Snacks, ambiance, and entertainment all rolled into one. As soon as this brilliance rolled out of my mouth I realized that the Tone Zone's disapproving nod followed the words "That's the dumbest idea you have ever had" meant he did not want to invest in my company. I shelved the idea for a little while. I'm still waiting for the right timing and my investors to come around. apparently exploiting little people went out of style 3 years ago.

Alright... Stop, collaborate and listen cause Ram is back with a brand new invention!

After my $100 car stereo got stolen for like the 5th time in the last 5 years, and I had to replace the $230 window I was mad as hell. Stereo jacking is like the lowest class of crime....

My sister was telling me about how her new iPhone 4 got jacked while she was getting her nails done and she was pissed about it...

Basically there are simply a lot of people out there that need to get their ass kicked, or at least bitch slapped one good time.

Welcome to Slap Incorporated.
We offer 3 unique services that you can't find anywhere else.

Car Stereo Slap!
An irremovable GPS tracking device is installed to your car stereo. Within minutes of getting jacked one of our representative will follow the signal to wherever you stereo is and slap the shit out of whoever is possession of your stolen property. The stereo can be recovered for you for an additional fee.

iPhone Slap!
Similar to the Car Stereo Slap, within minutes of your phone being stolen, the perpetrator will be getting the shit kicked out of him.

The Slap-O-Gram!
Imagine this a hefty guy cleverly disguised as a UPS delivery guy rings the door with a package and clipboard. Your victim answers and signs what he thinks is the acknowledgement of delivery. It is actually a disclaimer that says he knows he is about to get smacked in the face and won't sue. And then. SLAP!!!!!

We don't insure your property. We won't help recoup your loss in any way shape or form. But the thought of cold hard justice being served in the form of a giant bitch slap should at least make you feel like the people who deserved it definitely got theirs.

And now, your moment of Zen

Ram's holiday gift giving guide

2010-12-09T13:00:00.000-08:00

With Christmas fast approaching we all find ourselves asking the same question we ask every year... What should I buy [insert name of hard to shop for person here] for Christmas? If you guys are anything like me then are terrible procrastinators and usually just grab all your gifts the weekend before. Which is admittedly a very dumb thing to do. Fighting crowds, getting the worst parking spot on the lot and then looking for inspiration for what to buy people in the middle the mall while Christmas music is digging holes into your ears and making your brain throb might sound fun to some people... But cheer up little camper, because if you are anything like me that would also make you funny, smart, charismatic and devilishly handsome. I got a little off topic there but nobody toots my horn better than me

toot, toot

Well, don't sweat it. Ram is here to help take all the guess work out of the holidays for you. Here is a list of top 5 hardest people in your life to shop for, and a way to save money and make an impression at the same time when you shop for them.

5. Your Boss
Some of you are in that predicament that you have holiday office parties and have to buy your boss some kind of gift. Spending too much makes you look desperate for that promotion. Not spending enough makes you look like you don't care. Buying them something they won't like is simply a universal fail. I am making this suggestion under 2 assumptions. 1. That you don't know your boss very well, if you did they would fall under the category of friend or casual friend and not boss. 2. That your boss is a guy, because let's face it most of your bosses are a dude. If your company was dumb enough to put a woman in charge, not only are you fucked no matter what you buy her, your company is a sinking ship that you need to jump off of ASAP. To me this one is easy. Your gift cannot have anything to do with work. Best option;

A restaurant gift card. $20

Who doesn't love a chance to eat good... in the neighborhood?

4. Casual Friend
Going to a party with friend or group of friends that you are not super close to? Need to buy a gift for someone you don't know very well? Whether it is a white elephant party or not, the white elephant approach is the best here. Your present is not the actual gift, it's how hard the laugh when they open it that is the real gift. Best option;

Something from the sex shop like lube, or teeny bop calendar $15

Baby, baby, baby oooooh

3. Close friend
If you have spent any amount of time kicking it with somebody, you know what they like to drink. This one is super easy. The holiday 5-pack. For reals. Buy them a sixer drink one, put a bow on it and then give it to them for Christmas. Thoughtful and funny at the same time.

Holiday 5-pack $8-$10

2. Significant other(wife, girlfriend, mistress, booty call)
To all the fellas out there with ladies to impress, it's easy to do just follow these steps.
1. Cut a hole in a box,
2.Put your junk in that box,
3. Make her open the box
and that's the way you do it... it's my dick in a box

My dick in a box $0

*don't really do this... buy her flowers)

1. Chris Ram

Something has become terribly obvious to me over the last several years of my life. I am a really hard person to shop for. I must be... I have a short sleeved shimmering dragon button up shirt, flaming dice cuff links, Homer Simpson necktie and the Snuggie to prove it. Even though I eventually decided Snuggies are pretty dope. The truth is this is not an exaggeration of any kind. If I proceeded to list every Christmas gift I have received over the last ten years, you would think that I was either joking or saying something I heard on a sitcom. I want to take the time to dispel a huge misconception that everyone has. Creative people do not like creative gifts. I don't need a translator. When you ask me what I want for Christmas and I say a basketball, "a basketball" does not mean a ShamWow it means a fucking basketball! Not to sound ungrateful. The loved ones in my life have given me something to write about. The same way Batman is the coolest comic book because of the way the cast of characters and villains are so colorful it makes his otherwise boring stories worth telling, The wonderful, crazy and colorful people in my life are what ultimately make my world so interesting. Thank you for the terrible presents everyone. Keep em coming. Unless one of you really does want to buy me a new basketball... I really do need one.

Move over Latarian... There's a new Hoodrat in town.

2010-12-06T11:03:00.000-08:00

I was about midway through making my holiday gift giving guide post when I stumbled upon this. I am sorry but this is the greatest thing I have ever seen. Sometimes real life absolutely destroys made up stuff as far as entertainment value is concerned. The truth is this is not funny. It's fucking tragic. But I have not laughed this hard since Latarian said he wanted to do hood rat stuff with friend that smokes on cigarettes. Just in case you missed it here is a quick refresher course.

I used to think this kid was a little baddass. I also used to think about what will happen to this kid when he grows up. I mean can you imagine seeing his name on a job resume... Would you hire him? It is hilarious in the kind of way that you feel a little guilty that you just laughed. Hopefully this kid ends up being good at football ( just saying...). Well, Latarian ain't shit. A drunk 4 year old in Tennessee broke in to his neighbor's house and stole 5 of the Christmas presents under their tree! I am not making this shit up. The kid then proceeded to get wasted and wonder around his neighborhood in a dress that was one of the presents under his neighbor's tree. This really happened. What is worse is that the kid wanted to do things he knew were wrong so that he could go to jail and see his father. For your viewing pleasure here is the real-life news coverage.

Unfortunately the drunk 4 year old was not available for comment. I constantly talk about how I don't like people that push their own agenda or morality on me. There is a lesson to be learned from all this. To be congruent with that I will let you decide what that lesson is.

A. Irresponsible people have irresponsible children.
B. This kid and Latarian should start doing party appearances(I'd hire them).
C. Once a thug always a thug.
D. Don't make babbies if you are a fucking idiot!

Stay tuned for Ram's holiday gift buying guide coming out later this week. Happy Monday everyone.

The Most Powerful Woman In The World... Sarah Palin

2010-12-01T10:20:00.000-08:00

I have been contemplating for a while now what I wanted to write about this. I mean what can I possibly say about Sista Palin that has not already said? There really are not very many directions I could even go with this. I really hate to admit it, but I felt very strongly that it was possible this current president would die during his term. McCain because he is older than the dead sea scrolls, and Obama because of assassination. While voting I took this under consideration. One of the deciding factors for me was that I fucking hate Sarah Palin and like Senator Biden. As a general rule if my 8 year old brother can beat you at a game of Scrabble, you do not deserve to be the Prez. We already had one failed attempt at letting a stick-to-his-morals type unintelligent Republican't run our great nation. The end results; An economic slide comparable to the great depression, An unjustified war on terror that was really about us making an oil rich nation our bitch for life(did we ever find those WMD's?) and America becoming the most hated nation in the world and pretty much ruining our public relations on a global scale. Thanks a lot W. But for some reason people think it would a good idea to try this experiment again. Except this time she is even dumber and more narrow minded and morally driven. But she does have tits and a wink that could melt your heart.

I thought about all the ways I could slam, school and make fun of Sarah...

I also thought about making fun of all the full grown adults I know that took the day off from work to go see the new Harry Potter movie... But then I realized I didn't have to, because you are an adult... that took the day off from work... to go see a fucking kids movie! I am going to go ahead and un-invite myself to your Christmas at Hogwarts party.

By the same token, no one has to make fun of Miss Alaska herself Sarah Palin. If you point a camera at a stupid person long enough they will look, well... stupid all on their own. So instead here are Sarah Palin's greatest hits volume 1. Enjoy.

Palin on Foreign Policy

Is Palin Smarter Than a 5th Grader?

On Her Sources for World News

She reads all of them...

Sarah Winks at America

On Supreme Court Rulings She Disagrees with

And I haven't even shown you clips from her reality show. Want to see her club a trout she just caught in an Alaskan river to death? The fact that she is hinting at running for the Tea-bagging party in 012 is really the reason she is the most powerful woman in the world. This will divide the Republican vote far worse than any attack by the Democrats. With half the moral majority voting for the Tea-Party and the other half voting Republican. While all of the poor, Democrat and let's face it... black vote will be undivided behind Obama. The sad thing is that a disgruntled America that is notably not happy with the job that Obama has done, will get 4 more years of Obama. She is stupid, she is pretty, she can wink with the best of em, and she will decide the fate of our nation. Just not the way she thinks she will.

Thanksgiving Special: Encouragement = Empowerment

2010-11-25T22:00:00.000-08:00

Have you ever wanted an excuse to walk into some one else's house, tell them you live there, kick them out, kill the tenants that don't agree with you, and then celibrate once a year to remember how awesome it was when you did it? That is essentially what happened. And thank sweet, white American Jesus we did... Because it is the greatest fucking holiday ever!!! That's right that last statement got 1 f-bomb and 3 exclamation ponts. If I could describe my ideal, most perfect day it would go something like this. I would sleep in super late, get drunk and laugh my ass off with my sisters while some one cooks for me, eat untill my belly hurts, watch football, go back to sleep, wake up and go watch a movie and then hang out with my old school Waco peeps. Getting laid is actually completely optional on this day. That's right a day actually exist that is so awesome, getting laid couldn't even make it better. I thought about doing one of those cheesy post listing things that I am thankfull for. It would have been a short and predictable list that would look something this,

1. Pisces Women (especially you)

2. Sarah Palin's reality show

3. Antoine Dodson

4. Wonderfull Waco

5. Force Factor, Muscle Milk and Steroids

Ok... so that was my attempt to avoid being sentimental.

Spending time with my family has made me realize something. One of my sisters asked my why I don't write for MAXIM or Playboy yet. Writing is my new creative outlet and I am still very raw and unexperienced at it. I have after all really only been doing it for 4 months. But to my sisters I am the literally the best writer in the world. Back when I used to draw and paint, to them I was the best artist in the world. It does not make sense to them that I wouldn't be successful at something. I saw my nephew's stick figure paintings and drawings this morning (one of which was an abstract take on what I would look like with purple spikey hair) and I saw that same amount of enthusiasm that my family supported me my entire life. Little Vaden's art is proudly framed and hung up on the living room wall. This is the type support and belief that I really do have behind me. I don't even deserve the love, support and unquestioning belief in me that my 2 sisters Connie and Audra and my brother Tony (he is way more than a friend) give me. So much for not being sentimental.

I am thankful for you guys and everything you mean to me.

That is why I am going to go to Best Buy with you at 4:00 am and beat people up to help you get the door-buster deal on the washer and dryer you want. I will cut a bitch.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone.

My next post will be fucking hilarious... I promise!

-RAM

The Lottery Trick

2010-11-23T07:38:00.000-08:00

Credit to the Tone Zone for this one.

We've all been there.... You meet a girl at a bar and have a good time, she gives you her number, you follow the 3 day rule and do everything "right", but she doesn't answer or return your text. What is going on here? I mean she seemed super into that night you met her.

First to shed a little light on the where you actually DID go wrong. Women commonly suffer from what is essentially buyer's remorse in their social life. If you meet a girl and things seem to be going a little too well... They are. Let's say the first time you meet you are both a little tipsy, a lot flirty and having a good time. The night keeps getting more and more fun and ends in a nice make out session AKA a little "face" time. All good right... In the male mind this was an awesome night. But to a female you never made her feel safe, made sure she was comfortable, or pretended to care. You just got what you were interested in and that was that. Then when you call her back that's all you are trying to get once again. Just remember they are emotional creatures that understand things differently than we do. When this is the case remember the way you left things and do yourself a favor and start all over. Change her impression of you from the guy that makes out with girls he just met to wow... there really is more to that guy.

Or sometimes they are just bitches. Either way running into them once again in public can be both embarrassing and awkward... Unless you know the lottery trick that is!

Note this can burn bridges so use carefully and sparingly. If you think there is still a shot you and her will hit it off at some point down the road, do not try this.

If a girl gives you her number and doesn't return your text or calls here is what you do. Wait until the next upcoming weekend and then send her this text.

"OMG You are not going to believe what happened... I guessed 5 out of the 6 numbers on the lottery! I won $20,000!!!!!! I'm throwing a huge party. I have a table at Plush tonight and bought 5 bottles! Drinks on me!"

Then you wait....

Of course it will only take her a few short minutes to text you back and usually the response will be something along the lines of "Can my friend come too?"

This will completely confirm what kind of person she is. You weren't cool enough to respond to before you were throwing the party of the decade and now magically she is able to respond almost immediately that is just her true colors shining through. Now it's your turn to clown her a little. You can either win at her game and just not respond to the 3 or 4 more text she sends you asking about the party... Or you can fuck with her a little bit.

Option A: Pretend you meant to delete her number and respond to her inquiries about your party with:

"Ooops my bad I didn't mean to send that to you."

"What lol... that's cool can I still come to your party?"

"Uh... Well.... I kinda meant to delete your number when you didn't respond the other week...."

Then be prepared for her to throw out all the excuse of why she didn't. They will be good too. This is usually best enjoyed while drinking beer and reading her text out loud to the rest of your drunk friends.

Option B: The Shake and Bake

Let the girl get all dressed up meet you at your party.... The one that doesn't exist.

Either way when you and your friends run into her again it won't be embarrassing. She won't be the girl that played you.... She'll be the dumb bitch that fell for the lottery trick.

Unpopular Opinion. Kanye West

2010-11-18T07:00:00.000-08:00

I took a lot of shit from people for standing up for Kanye West a few years ago when he got on stage and made a total ass out of himself at the VMAs. Truth be told it was an idiotic thing to do. That being said I happened to agree with his opinion... maybe not the way he expressed it, but I do think she(Taylor Swift) didn't deserve the award as much as Beyonce. This welcomed a shitstorm of Swift-loving hatred towards Kanye and even altered several people's opinion of him to the point of dislike. A few people tried to convince me to hate him, especially because everyone knows he is pretty much my hero in life. But in the back of my mind I kept telling myself this was a publicity stunt of some kind and they had already recorded a hit single together that was getting ready to be released. My friend's mother layed into me via my facebook wall.

"How can you can you defend what that idiot did. He is an arrogant jerk?"

First of all it probably(OK definitely) is my party foul for being facebook friends with a friend of mine's mother... I have nothing witty to add to that. Feel free to verbalize the cut downs that you've already said in your mind.
Second, just because somebody is arrogant does not mean they don't say something true every once in a while. My friend's mom followed up with;

"It's sad if you can relate more to jerk like that than a good natured artist like Taylor."

Why in the world I would relate more to artist with a huge chip on his shoulder and an over inflated ego that accidentally sticks his foot in his mouth? That doesn't remind me of anybody I know... I have way more in common with a bitter little princess that gets butt-hurt every time a guy dumps her and writes a song about it.

All this should have blown over and gone quietly into the night. In classic form while promoting his new album that is about to be released, Kanye decided to give people that don't like him already some more hater-aide to drink. In a recent interview he pretty much completely back peddled on his apology to Swift and actually took credit for her selling so many records, compared himself to Nelson Mandela, and stood by his old stick that country western artist and their music are less relevant and the Dixie Chicks didn't deserve the Grammy over Justin Timberlake. Here is Kanye's latest insert foot moments, along with my commentary of course.

“Just as Mandela, and forgive me for using such grandiose political comparisons, but just as Mandela blew up the buildings and eventually became president, sometimes, contrary to popular opinion, you have to blow up the buildings. You have to make a change.”

Oh boy Yeezy... If you don't let history judge you people will. Stop claiming to to be the greatest and keep making good music.

“I am empathetic to [George] Bush, with us being public figures. You can’t choose to be the number one rapper in the world, you can’t choose to be the president, people choose you. And you have a responsibility at that point to represent their feelings, and if you show a lack of compassion or something there will be an outcry. So with my moment, with Taylor, 12-year-old girl [in a mocking, sarcastic tone] 18-year-old girl [laughs], me cutting her off showed a lack of compassion with everything she went through to deserve this one moment [mocking tone again] that caused her to have, like, 100 magazine covers and sell a million first week. But that should’t have been categorized with the greatest living artist we have today [implying Beyonce], to even be put in the same category. It’s just disrespectful — it’s retarded.”

You can hate the fact that this true if you want to, but this true. There is no such thing as bad press especially if you are already America's sweetheart. Did you just say people chose you to be the number one rapper in the world....

“If you could see the emotion in Justin’s [Timberlake] face when he lost to the Dixie Chicks… I can’t even tell you a song that they won for. And I don’t have nothing against the Dixie Chicks, but it was just wrong, though. It was so incorrect.”

He will always be the loud mouth that thinks the mostly white award committees give too much credit to country western artist and their selections are racially influenced, lord knows he has earned the title. Again though I agree. I mean the Dixie Chicks... really.... can you even name a song of theirs? 3 out 4 dentist agree that hip hop music is more relevant than country, and better for your teeth.

I can't help it I like this guy. He is a musical genius that has the will and determination to constantly innovate. P.T. Barnum used to pay people to start fights and riots close to his circus, then he would lure in people that didn't even know his circus was in town. No one ever got mad that they got "suckered" into buying a circus ticket, they just found out that the circus was awesome and really worth it. Whether you hate Kanye or love him you have to admit he backs up all the commotion he stirs up with good music. You can call him arrogant, you can hate what he does and says, but in doing so he has already gotten you to pay attention, outsmarted you and determined in one way or another what you will be listening to next year. In a bottom line industry, the bottom line is that this guys puts in work and sells the most records. Like every controversial artist ruffling feathers is a part of the sales technique. Don't sweat the technique!

Hunter > Gatherer

2010-11-15T08:00:00.000-08:00

This is something I started writing a long time ago but didn't have a lot of clear direction on where I wanted to go with this thought. In lieu of recent events in my life it has became a little less relevant, but I decided to finish it anyway. Plus the really long post I was writing about Kanye West sticking his foot in his mouth again got erased and I'm feeling lazy so I decided to finish this mostly written post instead of rewrite my other one. So I guess that officially makes this a disclaimer. This is the perspective I used to have... Before I met you that is.

Smiley face!

I was talking (and drinking) with a group of friends the other day and one of my boys was lamenting his ills and sorrows about his ex girlfriend breaking up with him. I am a pretty nice person, and try to be a good friend but no one has ever accused me of being compassionate. I can only take so much of this lonely poor me bullshit. So the next time he made a sad remark about being single, I gave him a high five and congratulated him.

"Stop acting lame hommie. All she did is set you free. Why do you want a girlfriend so bad anyways?"

In a very sarcastic tone he answered "Yeah... Why would I want that? Why would I want stability, comfort, regular sex, and a girl waiting for me at home everyday?"

I said "Careful bro.... I'll answer that question if you really want me to."

"Careful... Please enlighten us Ram. Why would anyone really honestly rather be single?" I realized everyone around us all quit talking and started paying attention to our conversation. Shit, I better make this good.

"Because" I said. "We are evolutionarily displaced cavemen. I am hunter. You are a gatherer." Then I patted me chest and reiterated."Hunter." Then touched his. "Gatherer". In my best Jack Black voice.

But... Before I finish that story first let me backtrack to a conversation I had with a different friend of mine. Some of you will get what I mean when I say he is of a similar mind frame and life philosophy as I practice. I had not seen him in a while and asked him how his girlfriend was doing. He responded "Oh... I'm better know." I made one of those I don't understand faces and he explained further. "Yea we dated for a little while, but I'm better now." He sounded more like he was talking about a common cold or a not too serious ailment instead of a girl he was dating. Which is actually a little funny if you think about it. This is the contrast in conversations about about ex-girlfriends I was currently experiencing. Back to the story.

"We have stores and places to eat, there is really no uncertainty about whether we will starve or not anymore. So what has replaced these primal urges we all have as men? Our dating life. Its the last bit of evolutionary uncertainty left. Whether we will be able to replicate or not. It's probably worse now that women are so empowered and get to be selective of us instead of when the most brutal cavemen would club a girl over the head and drag her into his cave. Your perspective is OMG, where is my next "meal" coming from, and you want to hoard and save your food out of fear of starvation. My perspective is fuck yea, I don't know where my next "meal" is coming from. I get to go hunt, and kill something before I eat. Not have to, get to."

I know this seems a little harsh, but it was obvious from my overly sarcastic tone that I was just clowning him a little so that his inner alpha would resurface. We were about to start delving into the finer points of my theory when he interrupted me.

"Aren't those the girls you were talking to earlier?"

"Yeah, I think it is."

"C'mon Ram, I'm hungry let's go hunt."

The Incredible Ram (You wouldn't like me when I'm angry)

2010-11-11T07:55:00.000-08:00

Roid rage is real y'all!

As usual I would like to start this post with a complete lack of relevance to anything this post is actually about. It's my blog and I do what I want. While searching for the pic to start off this post, I remembered exactly how much I love comic books and comic book art. Shit is dope. It's like the best of both worlds. It is truly art, and it recaptures the childlike sense of imagination that I grew up with. Any guy that says he didn't want to be a super hero at some point in his life is a straight up liar. For my money the best artist to ever draw the HULK was Dale Keown. I always loved that he could capture the exact moment when dude was losing his temper so perfectly. I also liked the fact that he would always draw him with chipped finger nails. I have no idea why... I just always thought that is what the HULK is supposed to look like. Close second is Ed McGuinness(top). For some reason his cartoony style always looked super cool with the this character even though I hated it when he drew Batman and Superman. That's why I had to show both artist some love real quick.

OK... so I don't really take steroids

Any one who knows me knows that it is getting close to 30lbs of muscle that I have gained this year. You read that right 30lbs! I am pushing the scales at over 190 now and there is an adjustment period that your body goes through when you change your physical make up this much. The big one being quite a bit of hormonal imbalance. TESTOSTERONE!! Other than the occasional mood swing when no one has been around it's been no big deal, I'm a pretty level dude. That is to say I can usually check myself before I wreck myself.

Yesterday at the gym in the midst of my grueling shoulder work out felt like the perfect time to have my moment... So I did! People that I meet at the gym tell me they thought I was mean before they met me. I am OK with this, because I am intense and focused while I am there... It's the gym, not a nightclub. I can't stand those people who go there to socialize. They lounge around on the equipment, chat away, talk to all their friends and don't seem to mind that someone else wants to use the fly machine while they talking about the new shoes they are wearing. Uh... Hell no. I would actually say that the only real pet peeve I have is when people are doing things on my time. So yesterday I drop the mad weight I was angrily military pressing onto the rack and make my trip to the water fountain to sip before my next set. To my surprise there is a line. That's right a line. About seven pissed off people waiting to get a drink of water in front of me! What is going on here? I look and there is 300 pound Gorilla of a man filling his 4 gallon water jug slowly but surely while he is chatting to his other body builder friend and laughing. Oh hell no... I walked right up and tapped the dude on shoulder.

Do you ever see yourself doing something in slow motion, like you are watching it on TV? Maybe it was the fact that I was all worked up right then and there, maybe it was the Rage Against the Machine in my headphones, maybe it was the fact that i am a ticking time bomb of fury, but this was not going to to slide.

"Hey asshole do you not see all these thirsty people here!"

I usually have that moment of quick regret when words fly out of my mouth this fast. It's like when you just let go of an arrow and you see it headed towards it's target. But not this time. Ice Cube was in the mother fuckin house! So Ron Coleman stops laughing with his boy and turns around to see my skinny ass fuming mad and all up in his shit. After a quick glare, gamma radiation leaking out of my pores and blood vessel popping out in my forehead an extremely high pitched Mike Tyson sounding voice comes from top of mount steroids.

"My bad guys, Y'all go ahead."

I took a quick sip and walked by the dropped jaws of everybody waiting in line at the water fountain. It would have been awesome if somebody started a slow clap right about now(in my mind it happened). I arrive back at the military press to find somebody had moved bag and towel aside and using my weights....

Awww Hell No....

HULK SMASH!!!!!!

Mail Bag, No Fear T-shirts, Hip hop music and The Magic 8Ball

2010-11-07T08:00:00.000-08:00

So when I initially started this blog I was about 80% sure that the only people that would even read it would be my friends. I thought if anyone reading had a question or comment they would just call me up and ask... because they know me already. Sharing on facebook and google buzz has helped my acquire a few readers apparently. I would like to thank everyone that does read and has taken the time to write in. I am going to take the time to answer all the emails I have received thus far. Because all the answers I have needed to this point in life has come from a magic 8ball, a rap song or the back of a No Fear T-shirt, I have decided to defer to the wisdom that has guided me thus far. Let's do it!

Guide
Red=Ram's answer
Blue=Magic 8ball
Yellow=No Fear T
Pink=Rap song answer

"Dear Ram,
I have the haunting suspicion my girlfriend is cheating on me. How do find out for sure? Thanks
Rantboy22"

I have 2 suggestions(3 if you count karate chopping her in the neck)
1. Tell her about a sketch situation you are planning on putting yourself in, like say you want to hang out with your ex, or a girl she knows you slept with. You can gauge from her reactions whether you should worry or not. Jealous people cheat the most.
2. Ask the Magic 8ball. 8ball is this skank cheating?

Signs point to yes... Shit sorry dude

2nd place is the first loser. doesn't help you at all but c'mon these shirts were awesome

Girls like buses, miss one next fifteen one comin -Gucci Mane

"Ram,
The girl that sits in front of me in class is smokin hot. How does a normal guy like me get her attention?
TazD"

That's your first problem right there, if you think you are normal she will too. 8ball will TazD get a date with this girl?

Most likely yes

You miss 100% of the shots you don't take

Bitches ain't shit -Dr. Dre

"Dear Ram,
Were you talking about me in your post "Self Sabotage The Proof of Desire"? How come you quit calling me if you liked me?
Sweetgirl55"

It's possible, but I burn a lot of girls with a matchbook and slam the door on their face on first dates so I can't say for sure. Why did I quit calling that girl....

Concentrate and ask again

Pain is just weakness leaving the body. OK these shirts sucked and rarely give good advice.

Ya know a lot of girls be.... thinking my songs are about them, but this is not to get confused, this one's for you... -Drake

"Ram
Your blog sucks! I wish I could unread all the shit you have written. I don't get it, are you trying to be funny or sound smart? Fuck it, I am dumber now.
Thanks Asshole,

Hater-aide69"

Well, Hater-aide, I am working on an extremely terrible blog post that is coming out Wednesday. Whatever you do, don't read it. Tell all your friends how much I suck and tell them not to read too. For the sake of every one's intelligence DO NOT READ MY NEXT POST. My first hater... I feel so official now. 8ball does my blog really suck?

My sources say no.

He who dies with the most toys still dies. No idea what that means....

How much am I hated? Very. Kiss girls like Katy Perry. I am never sprung but I spring her... Jerry! -Kanye West.

This concludes the mailbag episode. Hopefully I'll get a chance to do something like this again, so keep writing in and more importantly, keep reading.

Election Special

2010-11-04T08:00:00.000-07:00

I like to think of my blog as a bar...

As in the topics that I should probably avoid talking about are politics and religion. This is election week in in local and state government and I feel like I have a social responsibility to educate myself and make the best decisions I can, so guess what, I'm going to share with y'all my process in figuring out which way to vote before I went to the polls last Tuesday.

First off I think the major problem with politics in America is the lack of options we have in political parties. If America is a country of fat, uneducated, lazy, black, white, brown, christian, Muslim, gay, straight, rich, poor people, than the political representation needs to be as diverse as the people. Less than 20% of our population votes and it's it because most of us don't feel represented by anybody running for any office. Democracy works just not for us. Countries like Turkey usually have upwards of 20 political parties for every office, even the big one; president. 80% percent of their eligible population votes. There is a candidate representing the interest of the rich, the poor, the gay, the straight etc. It makes it so that they are not asked where they stand on such and such issue as a tactic to divide or scare on the fence voters into voting for them. If president Obama has showed us anything it's that when people feel like they are represented they will go out and vote. A record number of people voted this last election, whether that is a good thing or not is yet to be seen. But it has proved that political diversity is needed. In the long term hopefully things won't be so cut and dry as a result of this(Democrats/Republicans). I will be supporting the pants party in 2012. That is the party in my pants.... ba bum ching!

Back to the lecture at hand, who should I vote for to be the next governor of Texas. With all the mudslinging negative commercials I have been bombarded with lately it has been hard for me to determine who I should vote for this election. I have decided to look at the candidates and what I know about them.

Bill White - Democrat

Ok... he hates Mexicans, except for the one that mows his lawn. Beef up the border taxpayers, we don't want more drug dealin, low rider drivin vatos in our neighborhoods. His case is that Rick Perry hasn't done enough in his time in office and that he fucked up Houston before he started fucking up Texas. That's always pretty safe to say. His views on taxes, health care, education, and things an educated person would care about are both hard to find and hardly relevant because it's way more important for us to keep terrorist from coming across the Texas/Mexico border. Let's check out the opposition surely he has stances on things that matter right.

Rick Perry - Republican

Now we're talking. He cares about creating jobs cutting taxes, isn't focused on "protecting the border" wait a sec...

Awww, man. and guess what else. This motherfucker named Rush Limbaugh an honorary Texan... Rush-fuckin-Limbaugh... What the fuck! He's endorsed by Sarah Palin too. ugghhhh. Just threw up in my mouth a little bit.

The Verdict:

It's a tough one, I absolutely hate both of these candidates. Who should I believe? This leads me back to my fist point. I am tired of choosing between a turd sandwich and a poopsicle. They are both going to taste like shit. If only there was a political option that cared about my interests. It became painfully obvious that Rick Perry was going to win. Texas is Republican as fuck y'all. I mean we don't want those tree hugging liberals taking our guns away. So in order to make my vote count and encourage a political diversity I decided to cast a write in vote for this guy.

The most interesting man in the world

Just kidding, I voted for Perry. It was better for my tax bracket. My ultra conservative pro-life parents will be so proud!

On a side note, Do you guys know how many "Terrorist" have snuck across the Mexico border? None you fucking idiots! Unless the guys doing dishes at at every resteraunt in Texas are a working for a sleeper cell that has plans to suicide bomb Taco Bell so people will buy their tamales instead,this is the worst misuse of the word I have ever seen. Great way to scare dumb conservitives into voting for you though. I'm worn out on this subject.

Halloween Edition, The Sexy Rule

2010-11-02T12:06:00.000-07:00

Hello all, hope you had a safe and fun Halloween. Let me start this post by saying if you don't have any gay friends, you need some. Even if you are a total homophobe and it it discust you, I promise it is worth it so that you can hang out with them once a year on Halloween. Nobody celebrates this day like gay people. On that note I did not think I would ever see as many men dressed up like Snookie or Lady GaGa as I did the other day. the Oaklawn block party is crazy and if any of your gay friends throw a party themselves it will be entirely themed out and awesome.

You know that rule with fortune cookies. The one that says you have to add the words "in bed" to the end of every saying you read to make it suggestive and funny. There is a new rule(sorry Bill Maher). Because Halloween has unofficially been changed to dress like a whore day, the new cool thing to do is simply add the word "sexy" to whatever your costume is. So unless you are going to be a known character or celebrity you have to add the word sexy or people will assume your costume will be boring. I'll show what I mean.

Sexy Pirate

Pirate

In the words of stand up comedian and good friend of mine E-Banks(the person that actually gave me the nickname Ram) "Instead of dressing like whores, this holloween more girls should just be whores."

I personally was a construction worker. Tight jeans, tool belt and all. Excuse me I was a sexy construction worker. I had no idea how many women had men in uniform fantasies before this Halloween. One lady GaGa simply walked up to me, said hi, told me she had a contstruction worker fantasy and tried to start making out me. I turned her down, mostly because the side of town we were on... If you are not 100% sure about someone's gender don't make out with them. So she got offended and slapped me. The first time I've gotten slapped for not kissing a girl. Annyways... I've decided to change proffessions. If any of you ladies need some "constructon" give me a call, I only work nights though.