The Ramblings of Dev...

On more changes in tune

2020-09-27T11:44:00.001-05:00

There've been times in my life where I've said things that I no longer agree with. Several are on this blog. Thank you for using your status as a descendent of [a] consumer(s) of the fruit of the tree of knowledge of good and evil.

-Kapil Dev, the Necrodevz

Be aware of death, for it's stealthy shadow surrounds us always... -the Necrodevz

Hypocrite

2013-05-23T09:45:00.002-05:00

I hate this empty feeling like my world's about to end.

I listen to this preacher and his sermon makes me mad;

What kinda God would send me to the ninth level of hell,

Just to prove the fucking point that i cant do it by myself?

I hope you know that i don't understand your fucking plan.

Is this break me or make me into a better man?

I've always known that you work in some mysterious ways,

But to wipe out my life in one day? Damn!

I finally realize that I don't have a word to say.

The fucking hate-filled lyrics just keep boiling in my brain.

I'd like to say "I'm sorry Jesus about what I said"

But that would be a fucking lie come from the deepest pit of hell!

I wanna stop these feelings sprouting poison in my brain

I think my fucking God isn't so so goddamn inhumane

To break my live so cleanly if he didn't have a plan

To turn my life around and lead me to the promised land.

I hate this kind of nonsense about trusting just in God,

I've been a skeptic almost since the time that I could walk,

But somehow when my life is only broken wrecks of dreams,

I become a hypocrite and beg you Lord to help me please.

Addicted

2013-01-13T09:11:00.002-05:00

I feel like I don't wanna go home,

To my old empty bed and a house that's so cold.

So I trod along with my face looking down

Cuz I don't want no-one to see these tears of a clown.

I don't know why I ever let it get this far,

I should just end it now and jump in front a moving car.

But whether I'm delusional or maybe just a coward,

I'll keep hoping u'll come back before my closing hour

Never really felt like a fool in love,

Always been the one to do the breaking up,

And even though you're not my girl its cool,

'Cept when u cut me off u knocked my whole head loose.

I used be the manager of my own game,

Always used to be the pilot of my own airplane,

And I'm wondering when u became the master of my circus,

Cuz u know I'd never give away that title on purpose.

Trying to figure out why I depend on you,

Cant just be about the little things you do

We don't make love. Its against your religion.

Cant drink or smoke cuz u say it's sicknin'.

And all the other things u don't want me to do,

Is killing all the habits that distract me from you,

And when you're all that's left and you become an addiction,

You cut me loose....And watch me drift into oblivion.

Lost, I guess

2013-01-13T08:40:00.001-05:00

You know, let me apologize in advance for some of the shit that's gonna go down on this post. This post will contain expletives. If you do not wish to see any, then don't read past this point.

I am one angry motherfucker. And this isn't even a healthy anger. You know, anger directed at anything in particular? naa. This shit is fucking uni-directional. I mean, its anger at a situation.....its just spilling over into everything else. And y everything I mean EVERY THING. I'm pissed at my mom (biological) for the shit she put me through when i was younger. I'm pissed at my father for never being there for me until it was way too fucking late for me to recover. I'm pissed at my little brother Glenroy for always being the 'cool' one, the athletic one, the one who everyone wanted to be around.

I'm pissed at myself.....for so many fucking things I cant even begin to count. Shit.... I think this is the most truthful and spontaneous thing I've ever written. but even i all this truth...I know I'm lying to myself. I'm not really angry, u know? Its more like this anger is a front for what i really feel. I'm scared. I'm really and honestly scared of whats going to happen to me from here on. I don't have an anchor anymore. The one person who was with me through thick and thin.....whether we were together or not..... The one person above everyone else that I would trust with my life......just told me that they're cutting me off.

What am I supposed to do now? Who will I talk to about the stuff i cant tell anyone else? When I'm feeling lonely and crying my eyes out who is going to tell me that i'll be fine....that someone loves me and its ok? I don't think she ever really understood what our relationship was about. She was always the strong one. And this has absolutely nothing to do with her being my gf or whatever. Not talking about romance right now. But she was quite literally the ying to my yang. And I'm afraid I don't know what comes after this. I honestly don't know what to do with my life anymore.

This was never supposed to become so personal, actually. I just wanted to rage against some stuff and post, but...I guess the truth needed to be set free. I'm not angry anymore. I'm just lonely. I'm just cold. I'm.....lost, i guess.

-Kapil Dev

-Necrodevz

New Year.......

2013-01-01T14:10:00.004-05:00

Like almost everyone, I too have made various New Year Resolutions with the express purpose of making major changes to my life in hopes of making myself a better person. Also like many people, after a couple months those resolutions fall to pieces and I end up doing the very things I said I wouldn't do. But that's not really a big deal. I don't ever making any resolutions that would cause total and complete change in any area of my life....well, at least not for the new year.

This year, like most years, in reflection I realize that there were a great many things that I could have done differently.....situations I could have handled more delicately.....risks I should have never taken.... and definitely money that I shouldn't have spent so frivolously. But it has been said many times that hindsight has 20/20 vision and never is that proven more than when we are starting a new year and we remember all the mistakes we made in the previous one. It is this reflection which drives one to create resolutions in order to reduce the chances of us repeating the same mistakes over and over again.

Some of us decide to give up our vices: gambling, drinking, drugs..... Others take a more subtle approach by resolving to treat persons better, settling down.... There are as many resolutions as there are people who make them, for while resolutions may be similar, they are all different. They are as unique as the people that make them. Each resolution is tailor-made by each person for themselves.

This year, I have one resolution. One thing that I think will fully influence how I see the world, how I react t it, and consequently what opportunities or sanctions I will have to experience. My resolution is simple: I will take it one day at a time. This is not as simple as it sound. I don't mean that I will completely throw out any form of future planning and live in the moment, no! What I mean is that I will not allow tomorrow's problems to overshadow today. I will not be stressed out my tuition fee which needs to be paid in 4 weeks.....I will not be overwhelmed by the sheer volume of bills that need to be paid next week.... I wont even worry about the rent that's due at the end of this week. What I will do is meet up with some friends later, have a couple laughs, drink a couple shots of rum, generally just enjoy myself, then go home to sleep. Tomorrow is a different day, a different time, a different section of my life.

That's my resolution for this year. Just one resolution with the potential to provide me with less stress and more happiness in my life.

-Kapil Dev
-Necrodevz

Update

2012-09-21T19:20:00.000-05:00

So I've been busy. I've been trying to find an addiction that I like enough to want to stick to it.

*Looks at previous sentence*

*Scratches head*

That made sense.....right? *awkward pause*

Well, whatever! It's my blog and I can do whatever I want!!! *huffs*

Well... now that I'm finished acting childish, lets see if I can concentrate long enough to let y'all know what exactly I've been up to. Firstly, to all those who sent me messages asking for sex..... No. I am currently only interested with having sex with 2 women and she's not interested. Yes. Two women, one body. So what?

Next, it may come as good news for some to know that I have given up smoking weed and popping 'X'. It was fun while it lasted. (This is not to say that if I'm at a party and there's stuff floating around... know what I mean? *wink*) I have also, after doing research, determined that I will not attempt Crystal Meth, Heroine, Cocaine, or Coke. Further research is necessary to determine what drug I will try next.

Liquor is still a big part of my life (although I worry about the liver sometimes) and is currently being strictly controlled by a group of over-zealous idiots who call themselves my friends and try to keep me alive. So far, its been working. Thats the end of this report.

So.... on to other matters. If u haven't noticed yet, I'm alive!!! *holds for applause* And it fells good too. Hope you like the little poem-like thingie I posted before this :), Till next time!

-Kapil Dev

Conflicted

2012-09-21T19:10:00.001-05:00

Loving you’s a tricky business, my mind gets split two ways:
I want to be with you until the end of all my days..
I wear your labeling with pride and swear you are all mine…
But somewhere, somehow, deep inside, my fears approach sublime.

No reason exists for my distrust but my own misguided mind…
For someone, somewhere broke my trust and I fear you’ll repeat the crime.
Your kisses seem a bit too sweet, your love a bit too real….
But when you withhold both from me I gain a brand new fear:

I fear the demons of the night that whisper in my ear,
Asking where you’d rather be since you refuse to be here..
I tell them that you’re busy, as busy as can be,
But my words are drowned out by the tales they spin to me.

They tell me of the guy next door that doesn’t want for cash,
Or maybe someone new at work who measures ‘swag’ in mass.
Someone with a bigger dick or much better in bed…..
The things things that I imagine start to fill my heart with dread.

I believe you on some levels when you tell me of your love,
But then I wonder if i’m the only one you’re thinking of
When it’s late and you’re in bed and wishing someone’s there with you,
Is it me you’re thinking of? Or is there someone else with you?

I think about this way to hard to even guess the truth,
But all these worries disappear whenever I hold you.
I look into your eyes and it becomes a brighter day;
I swear that I can feel my worries melting all away…

Maybe the feelings that i have are natural in some way,
I’m sure you have your own doubts that affect you like the plague,
And even though I’m conflicted and sometimes appear confused,
I’d rather cut my arm off than to walk away from you.

On relationships (II)

2012-06-08T17:26:00.000-05:00

A friend of mine recently opined (we were talking about one of our mutual friends) that [our friend] had gotten 'a thousand life points' ever since his recent marriage. She meant that his life had suddenly taken a turn for the better. And, of course, it was true. He got a better paying job, moved to a better house in a nice neighbourhood, and lost all traces that he had once been a bum like the rest of us. The 'rest of us' being, of course, the circle of friends which he was(is) a part of.

And looking back now, I realise that this has been true for a lot of people I've been associated with over the years. Now, I don't believe for a minute that it is the addition of a partner that brings about this change, because it's also something I've noticed occurring whenever a child is going to be in the future of someone. I believe that when one marries or conceives a child, one develops a sense of responsibility and strives much harder to give that person the life they belive the person deserves. Of course, the addition of a second income to the household (in the case of marriage or child support) doesn't hurt either. *cue studio laugh*

This realisation lead me to take a look at my life to see if there was anything or anyone I could develop a sense of responsibility towards which would afflict me with the drive to make my life better, so as to make theirs better. Sadly, there isn't. I mean, I have a girlfriend and all..... but she's fine where she is. I don't need to buy her stuff, or make sure the bills are paid on time so she has light and water and whatever the hell else females cant do without (sanitary napkins.... yeah) because her family provides for her beautifully. I still get the urge to buy her stuff.... and I do...... but I don't need to.

The most distressing part about this is that she feels that need to make sacrifices and do all she can to make my life better. Which is sweet, but makes me guilty as hell. *heartfelt sigh* I'm lying. This blog was supposed to be honest, right?

The truth is that I'm afraid to care so much about a person that their happiness is the deciding factor in making my decisions. I'm afraid that who I am, and my own happiness, will come second to this person. But that's not the real scare here. The real scare is: if I continue to be with this girl, I may not mind changing. And I may not mind getting that thousand life points at all......

-Kapil Dev
-Necrodevz

On Comfort and Remote Empowerment...

2012-05-21T16:02:00.001-05:00

Thinking about it, I have no idea what I want to do with my life. This is somewhat of a problem only because I have been socialised to believe that by the time I have become of working age I should be settled, have decided on a career plan and should be working diligently so that when the time comes I will be in a financial position to support whosoever was chosen by 'God' to be my wife/life mate.

Observe the words in bold above. Note the word enclosed in quotes. Done that? Good. Now, I won't be talking about that today, so lets move on.

When I graduated from high school in late '07 (yeah, I'm young, get over it!!), I was of the mind to get out in the world, gain some work experience, head to university after I figured out what I want with my life, and work towards my goals. It didn't exactly go that way. I was always a slacker, but somehow I became extremely lazy during the year after I left school.

*Skips over embarrassing period in life*

But anyway, I've realised now that my plans to become a grey, nondescript suit working in a grey nondescript building were.....well...grey. After changing the friends I keep and the people I talk to (those are two very different things by the way), I realised that a life of mediocrity doesnt suit my personality. This meant I now had to change my expected goals and produce a viable life plan geared towards maximizing my potential in whatever industry I choose to work.

We need to steer clear of this poverty of ambition, where people want to drive fancy cars and wear nice clothes and live in nice apartments but don't want to work hard to accomplish these things. Everyone should try to realize their full potential.

Barack Obama

A friend of mine quite recently wrote that in a 3rd world country, to be comfortable is synonymous with being rich (see it here!!-----> sylphe-sylphe). To that end, I have decided that whatever industry I decide to immerse myself in should have the potential to generate sufficient revenue for me to be...um... 'comfortable'. *smirk*.

Great achievement is usually born of great sacrifice, and is never the result of selfishness.

Napoleon Hill

In all this, however, I must strive to remember that whatever 'comfort' I generate should not be hoarded, but must be used to empower those who were not afforded the opportunities that I was given. This does not mean that I should lord it over those who don't have.

Remote Empowerment

Charity separates the rich from the poor; aid raises the needy and sets him on the same level with the rich.

Evita Peron

Remotely empowering someone needier than oneself does not mean giving that person 'freebies' or 'handouts'. It is investing in that person so as to give that person the opportunity to extract (realize) their potential and become more than they were. So instead of giving that youth on the corner a $1000 everytime he asks for some money to buy food, why not invest in his education so that he can get a job to provide for himself? That is remote empowerment.

Anyway, now I need to figure out what I want to do with my life. I'm thinking something concerning food....

-Kapil Dev
-Necrodevz

On giving advice (II)

2012-04-10T19:31:00.001-05:00

ddmpatterson@gmail.com says:

19:16:46Dear Kapil Hoe, it is Borderline hoe again. one of my dearest childhood friends decided to give me advice on my relationship situation when her boyfriend told her not to come to my birthday party. While advice is all nice and well, her telling me not to talk to my other dude because he is bad for me and he my be using me to get back at my ex, and the other dude is looking her, doesnt qualify as logical advice. I'm still upset at her for not coming, and since she does have a history of making worse choices than I do, is it fair i told her to mind her own bisnis since the pot shudnt be lecturing the kettle? Worse her boyfriend is displaying abuser tendencies and she doesnt see it. What shud I do?

I say:

19:26:12Dear Borderline, firstly, when will u make the jump to Hoe and stop this borderline business? Anyway, your friend deserves the mental equivalent of a slap so she can see her own situation instead of annoying u with her totally unnecessary views on urs. Also, to get this straight, is it that the guy ur talking to (the one ur actual bf hates) is after that girl even though he's [allegedly] with u? If that is the case, u may just want to make sure that he is not ur main bf, just to protect whatever shred of morality and emotional stability that remains in u.

-Kapil Hoe

-Kapil Dev

on giving advice (I)

2012-04-10T19:16:00.002-05:00

The following is an excerpt from a convo I had with a good friend of mine. I hope u laugh!!!

ddmpatterson says:

19:04:19: Dear Dr. Kapil Hoe Blake, I seem to have a problem. While caught between 2 guys, I'm getting to know my deceased older brother's best friend from high school. He always treatedd me nice, and allowed me to hurt him. The problem with this I knew him from I was 9, and he is 10 years older. He admitted that he had feelings for me that developed over the years and chose not to say anything, while he saw me get intimate with another of his friends. If I continue, his feelings will get worse and he may get hurt. What should I do? Signed BHP sufferer (borderline hoe personality)

I say:

19:08:29: Dear BHP Sufferer, It's no problem to mess around with as many men as possible as long as you're being careful and you know who ur baby's daddy is. Also, please be sure to keep ur many relationships seperate from each other as there may be serious consequences (for example, being without a partner) that may arise if u disregard that warning. Finally, Please remember that ur playmates are people too, no matter how they allow u to trample their feelings and enslave them to ur will. U may wanna keep that in mind. -Kapil Hoe

LOL!!!! IKR!!!!! anyway, more to follow.

-Kapil Dev

On painful experiences.....

2012-04-01T20:26:00.001-05:00

One of the things I've often said is that I could have never become the person I am now without having been through the trials I've faced. Now, that's totally true, and I'm [relatively] ok with the person I am, but every now and then I wonder if it may have been better to have skipped a particular set of experiences.
As always, when I'm not doing anything my mind tends to wonder and delve into memories that leave me despondent and emotionally disturbed. This may be a contributing factor to my constant need to be distracted and/or in the company of other people. This also could partially explain why I mostly cloud my thinking processes with drugs when I'm feeling 'lonely'.
For a couple weeks now, I've been dwelling on this girl called Samantha. Not that we had a good relationship or anything...we never even kissed, actually... (yeah, yeah....go ahead and laugh). But she was special. She was the only person I could tell everything without reservation. We spent hours talking about life, shooting the breeze, laughing about stuff that happened at work.... She was an awesome friend.
However, one day I realized that I love her. It was rather devastating how I found out, actually.... She told me she was gonna move in with a guy. In hindsight, I think she told me in person just so she could see my expression. I tried to hide it but she had already seen.... She already knew.
In the night she called and told me that we couldn't be friends anymore. Her reason was that she loved me. I didn't understand though, until she sent me a text explaining that she had always loved me, but thought I wasn't interested. She then said the reason we couldn't be in contact was because she was pregnant for the dude and he loves her. She was positive that if we still kept in contact she would have to leave the dude for me. She didn't want to do that.
That was the most heart-rending thing that has ever happened to me, but I respected her. I kept my promise. I still check her facebook....still pump her friends for information about her....still miss our talks.... But she's moved on now, and I hope that someday, so will I.

-Kapil Dev
-Necrodevz

Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device from LIME.

On painful revelations

2012-03-28T20:27:00.000-05:00

Some of us-the truly brave- sometimes try to find out what exactly a person thinks about them. This can be for many reasons. It can be because of a love interest, because of insecurity..... A number of things could be the cause. But whatever the cause, or the expectations, whenever a person comes out and lays all that they think about u on the table, it's almost always a terrible shock.

Sometimes its not exactly what they say that causes the shock, it's the way it is put across. If a person is full-out, completely straight with you, it's possible they are either completely pissed, or they have a grudge against you. Kinda works out to the same thing.

-Kapil Dev
-Necrodevz

Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device from LIME.

On relationships (I)

2012-03-28T00:33:00.001-05:00

Married people go on and on about the joys of married life and society (fueled by church indoctrination) also purports that 'getting hitched' is something to aspire to; but what is so good about being in a committed relationship, really? Is it the prospect of not having to go through the whole chase in search of getting laid? The prospect of not being alone and sharing your life with someone?

Now, the getting laid thing makes sense... A lot of sense, actually, but I can't imagine myself giving up my privacy and comfort to devote myself to satisfying the whims and demands of someone else just for that. I do recognise that there are some people who have an overwhelming need to either be needed, or to rely on someone. To those persons, do what u have to do: your sanity depends on it.

To the rest of us, however, don't suffer from such maladies. What's our excuse? Yes, I am fully aware that I said "Our" *bbm facepalm*.

The reason I included myself though, is that I have noticed a disturbing attraction to a particular female that I just cannot shake... But enough of that. Let's talk about being single.

Well.... Maybe not now. Battery is about to die. Ciao!

-Kapil Dev
-Necrodevz
Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device from LIME.

Email Posting

2012-03-27T23:56:00.000-05:00

It's not very convenient to always have to log on to a computer to post. I have therefore decided to setup this email thingie so I can post on the go.

So here goes:

*test*

*crosses fingers*

Let's hope it works then!!

-Kapil Dev
-Necrodevz

Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device from LIME.

on the 'Unfix'....

2012-03-22T15:03:00.001-05:00

So I came to this Cyber Cafe...well.... it's really just a place to go and waste your money. First of all, they have 4 computers going through a 1 Mbps connection. I mean.....1 Mbps? Who has that nowadays except your grandma in the country who is unable to do much more than checking her email?

In this society, the faster we can get things done, the better it it. So you can imagine when I, suffering from music withdrawal, came to this place in seek of relief, only to be confronted with this sub-sub-standard service. The first thing I was greeted with upon inquiring about the service is that the price was $100 per HALF-HOUR. Now, to those readers (if there are any) who do not live in Jamaica, this is the equivalent of highway robbery.

However, like a good little addict, I swallowed my revulsion and, with trembling hands, took the last remaining $100 of spending money I had and handed it over. I should have realized something at this point, because the place was completely empty, but all I was focused on at the time was getting my 'fix'. I sat at the computer, booted up IE, and asked for a pair of headphones. I was handed a headset with built-in mic. So far so good, right?

So I navigated to youtube, not minding that the p[age took 63 seconds longer than usual to load because I only thinking about my fix. My precious music fix. I tried to load Creed's 'One last Breath'. The page came up....so far so good. The black flash window came up...... so far so good. The recommended related videos on the left came up, sans thumbnail pics........um, not so good, but maybe the'll load in a li'l bit. The little animation the shows flash is loading came up......I smiled..... I was still smiling 2 minutes later, but it was a different smile. This was the type of smile that shows strain....or the smile you see on a terminal cancer patient that belies their pain.

EIGHT FUCKING MINUTES LATER, I had only gone through 45 mins of the song. By this time my leg was jerking spasmodically and my hand was beating out a war dance on the top of the counter. The person at the desk asked me what was wrong. I told her she said, "Oh...", then she turned back to her book. I asked, "Um... did you just say 'Oh'?" She said "Well, yeah. There's nothing I can do about that." Now, I'm not a boor...I know there's nothing she can do because I had just accessed their modem to check the Internet speed. But her attitude!!! OMG, her attitude. so I proceeded to make her life hell.

I complained about everything. I kept interrupting her, saying rude things, annoying her.... but none of this worked. She was as unshakable as The Rock. I gave up, and proceeded to write this post.

Well.... um.... yeah. I guess that's it. I don't even know where the title came from, but whatever.

-Kapil Dev
-Necrodevz

On a rant

2012-03-21T13:33:00.002-05:00

So I am rather upset at myself....but that's not what this post is about. Um......what was it about again? Um......shit. My thoughts are too jumbled to focus on anything....... Forgive me dear reader, give me a second so I can rant.

FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!

Thank you for your patience. Today, I'm pissed. It has always been said that the road to hell is paved with good intentions, but it has never been as real to me as it was earlier today. I am totally and completely certain that I am as big a moron as ever walked this earth. I mean, what kind of person pokes fun at someone who's looking to them for understanding and support? A moron, that's who. But, my intentions were good. I was just trying to cheer her up, I swear!!

But the ends, as I found out, do not always justify the means.

I am prepared, however, to ask for forgiveness (as soon as she consents to speak with me again) and endeavour to make sure it doesn't happen again. Of course, there's always the chance that I have been deemed unfit and have been deleted from bbm, blocked from fb and unfollowed on twitter....*checks* Naa, seems I'm good for now.

Writing is therapeutic. I should write more. At least I can now manage a wry smile instead of the......um.....whatever that was.

-Kapil Dev
-Necrodevz

On How I Feel

2012-03-17T14:16:00.002-05:00

On Equivalent Exchange

2012-03-17T11:09:00.000-05:00

Being a mostly logical person, the theory of equivalent exchange has always been how I try to live my life. If someone does a favour for me, I will either do a favour in return of the same magnitude, or a series of smaller favours. Of course, this value of magnitude is relative, and what I may consider a huge favour may seem like nothing to you. This may sometimes cause slight problems with how the repayment is taken by the other party.

A prime example is about a year ago when I was in a bit of a tight situation and a friend of mine helped me out (financially). Now, she's a bit well off and the amount she gave me was small to her, but the situation I was in made it a HUGE favour to me. So I started to pay her back a little at a time. It so happened that she asked for sex a couple times and I consented. After about a month, I considered my debt paid and turned down sex. She was distraught. Apparently she was of the impression that we were more than just friends with occasional benefits...... Because of that experience, I've started to make sure that boundaries-or lack thereof- in my relationships are clearly explained and pointed out.

But back to Equivalent Exchange. I am firmly of the belief that whatever you invest in a relationship determines the return that will be available. To this end, I have decided that if I am to enter a relationship, I will endeavour to accept wholeheartedly all of the peculiarities of my partner and try to make allowances. This, theoretically, will ensure that the same courtesies will be extended to me.

Not that I have many...um...oddities, but I do have a couple. For example, I love cereal and will become a beast if any1 touches my Reeces Puffs, Lucky Charms, Honey Nut Cheerio's or Frosted flakes. I also snack constantly, and will therefore flatly refuse to eat food. Then of course, there are the days when I will go hours without eating or feeling hungry. Um... that was just 1, btw.....

LOL.

So back to the topic. In investing so much of myself, I therefore close off other parts of my life. For example, If I'm in a relationship then I lose the option to play around (i.e. have sex with) other women without the consent of my partner. That is annoying, but necessary if the relationship is to work. And this has pretty much how it is, with anything in life.

The principle of equivalent exchange is actually mostly associated with Alchemy, where the product of any alchemic reaction is only as great as the sum of it's parts, and to receive anything, something of equal value must be offered. To this end, I have adopted a quote from an unknown source which I read quite a while ago in some book of the sort.

"People must make a choice as to whether their 'Desires' are worth the 'Cost' that they require..."

Lovely, isn't it?

-Kapil Dev
-Necrodevz

#A/N: The Pic in the background is a part of the Achemic circle.

On Country Music

2012-03-14T19:14:00.001-05:00

So, I consider Country Music the most depressing genre of music you can ever listen to. Every other song is about either a broken heart, or unrequited love. Nevertheless, I love country. I find that sometime, when I'm curled up im my bed and I'm so depressed I can hardly find the will to draw anothe breath, listening to something so much more depressing than my paltry experiences drives me to tears. And tears are good for me when depressed. It's like opening the tap to let out some of those emotions so I dont feel so full and unable to function.

Remember I said that every other song is about unrequited love, etc? The other half of the songs are about love. And I'm telling u, these country artists spare nothing when describing how they want-or imagine-love to be. I love country music, really. But that should be obvious by now. lol.

While I am in no wise a hardcore country fan (I listen to too many different genres of music for that), and thus may not really know may more artists than those who are very famous, or those I find by crawling around on youtube, the music I've been exposed to in this genre has always been extraordinary.

*Listens to Country Music*

Yes. I love it.

Looking back at this, this is probably the shortest post I've put up about anything.......

Well, watever!

-Kapil Dev
-Necrodevz

On Pon and Zi

2012-03-14T17:28:00.000-05:00

So there's this marvelous pairof cute little characters that I've loved for years. One is Pon and the other is Zi. I dont really remember which is which, but you should take a look at them. Gonna post a couple samples here and also the link to their website.

Ok. Couldnt get it to show exactly as I want so.....

Just check this out!!!!!

http://www.azuzephre.net/azuzephre.net/Media/slideshow.html?backgroundColor=rgb(0%2C%200%2C%200)&reflectionHeight=100&reflectionOffset=2&captionHeight=100&fullScreen=0&transitionIndex=2

-Kapil Dev
-Necrodevz

On depression

2012-03-12T14:48:00.000-05:00

Depression has always been a problem for me. Well, not really a problem. More like an annoying happenstance. I frequently go through periods that leave me so absolutely dispirited that it requires the use of *cough* 'uppers' to put me in a frame of mind which will allow me to leave my house and go to work.

Depression is a problem that almost everyone will have to face a couple times in their life, whether it's that boyfriend who left you for your best friend, or that husband who beats you for no reason.... You may even be like me, and get depressed because of......well.....no reason at all.

Well, it's a bit harsh to say no reason. I get depressed over simple stuff: there's too much sun.... not enough sun.... too much wind....not enough wind.... Simple stuff, actually. I guess that makes me maniac depressive? *googles*

So... I've always said i was Maniac Depressive, I just didnt know that it was another name for bi-polar disorder, which you may have noticed was something that a person with the disorder diagnosed me as having!!! *facepalm* Well, be that as it may, I get depressed. Constantly. Like stand-at-the-top-of-a-building-and-wonder-if-it-would-be-better-to-jump-off type of depressed.

Not that I jump.... but I wonder. I used to cut myself (those familiar with my tumblr blog already know this). Eventually though, i found a more pleasurable way to manage my depression. I am a great fan of music and I am also very sususceptible to the emotions broadcasted by what I am currently listening to. Noticing this, i performed a series of experiments on myself that resulted in what I dubbed 'audiotherapy'. Now, I am aware that this is a real therapy process, but I have no clue if they do it the way I do...*googles*

So... It's called 'Music Therapy', and there is a branch of it that interests me, namely neurological music therapy. It deals which what areas of the brain are stimulated by what types of music and how this translates into emotional and cognitive stimulation. I should read up on this more.

But anyway, its an idea. I don't know if there will be anyone reading this who'll be depressed, but it's worth a shot, right?

-Kapil Dev
-Necrodevz

On love and CP

2012-03-12T10:14:00.000-05:00

It's the age-old question: "How do I know that what I'm feeling is truly love?" Well.... I don't particularly know anyone who has that answer down pat. In fact, I'd venture to say that the people who purport to know the most about this phenomenon of 'Love' are just as befuddled as the rest of us when it comes on to knowing which of the god-knows-how-many billions of people on the planet is........*drum roll*.......'The One".

"The One"- The only person in this world who is such a perfect fit for you that the whimsical notion of 'Happy Ever After' becomes a certainty instead of a virtually nonexistent possibility.

Yeah... I think its a load of crap. There is no way anyone can convince me that in this world there is only one person that you'll be forever happy with. Do you know what the odds of meeting that person would be? Take the number of the earth's total population (xbillion), subtract 1 (x-1 billion) and divide 1 by that number (1/(x-1 billion)). That's a probability of nil in my mind.

So what then is the answer?

DISCLAIMER: I am in no way an expert on love matters. This is my PERSONAL opinion.

I think that there are people with whom the probability of compatibility is significantly higher than with others. If we want to look at this from a logical standpoint, lets apply math to the situation, i.e.

A perfect score for a relationship is 100 cp(compatibility points). It represents a 100% chance that there will be a lasting relationship of 20 or more years. If I (for example) have a relationship value of 35cp, the person that would be most compatible with me would be a person with a relationship value of 65cp, thus giving the relationship a perfect value of 100cp.

Of course, nothing in life is that simple. People are firstly creatures of change, so a person's cp now may not be the same as it was last week or even a month ago. This would introduce a variable we'll refer to as 'cp variance' to the equation. Cp variance is the raising or lowering of cp due to a person's current mindset, emotional orientation and interests. Ideally, the cp variance of a pair of people would be inversely proportional to each other at the same frequency (no need to explain that I think).

So far, if we could find out what factors determine cp and then introduce a workable scale model we could probably create some equation which we could then label the 'matchmaker's equation' and use that to predict if the pairing of two people would survive or not. But that would take the fun out of relationships. people would hook up because the'll be able to live a life with the ideal, compatible partner.

So lets shake it up. Lets factor in attraction. This is what makes relationships sizzle, spark and ignite the flames of passion. It also complicates the matchmaker's equation to such a degree that it becomes almost impossible to think about. I mean.... we usually says that we are attracted to a 'type' of person, that is, if we are attracted to a series of persons we would expect them to share certain physical or mental characteristics. But how many times have you been attracted to someone so far outside of your comfort zone that you have to take a really good look at yourself or wonder what you're doing?

Yeah, I thought so..... too many times to count, right? I wont even bother trying to go into that. I'm not qualified and I really don't care anyway. The truth is, I enjoy the trial and error process, no matter how much it may hurt to break up with someone that you thought had a high probability of being "The One" (lol), and I think life would be really boring otherwise.

Ciao

-Kapil Dev
-Necrodevz

On Mental Health

2012-03-12T08:45:00.001-05:00

While I've never been diagnosed with any sort of mental disorder, I've always been convinced that I was a bit closer to insanity than most people. This, of course was verified when I hooked up (no.....not that way, u dirty-minded freaks!!) with a friend of mine over the weekend. It turns out she's bi-polar, and has therefore labelled me as such because she is convinced that I have all the symptoms. Now.... It's quite possible that I might, since I've never actually submitted to a psych evaluation, but after spending most of my life getting ready to be locked away in a padded cell, Bi-polarity is pretty much a relief.

It also helped to understand why I thought for awhile that there were two personalities in my brain. This came about because sometimes I have conflicting thoughts on the same issue, or conflicting emotions about the same situation or person. I don't mean ur typical "I want her even though she's ugly and unattractive" kinda thoughts. It's more like, "That girl is totally hot! I love her skin...those eyes just seem to draw me in....wanna kiss those lips..." and "Jesu Christi!!! WTF is wrong with that girl!!! why is she lookin over here? damn ugly cow.....". That was not a fictional example. I actually thought that about a girl I met at a club last year.

Of course, if I am indeed bi-polar, it explains that. It also explains how I can transition from icy composure to blind rage without a trigger, only for that to dissolve into pure and unadulterated lust.....Um...ok. maybe it doesn't explain that last part.

Separately though, I've resolved to do some digging into what exactly makes a person bi-polar and what exactly triggers it. I think it will be a fun experience as long as I don't allow it to rule my life. Of course, this is if I have it in the first place... lol.

-Kapil Dev
-Necrodevz

On Background images

2012-03-11T16:08:00.000-05:00

So, on the face of things, it looks awfully hard to do CSS, but, like all other topics which are logical, after getting a feel for the basic rules, it is possible to infer how to use them to get what you want without a surplus of tutelage. This means that creating a post with a background image becomes a simple matter of changing the basic code in the page and finding a suitable image. Of course, this is not perfect, there are some kinks that need to be worked out, for example the resizing of the iage so that the text does not have to span the length of the image for it to be displayed in full. This wil, of course, cause the image to be much smaller, and it will then be necessary, one would suppose, to set up some sort of tiling function.....

Oh well. That is something I can explore at another time. Right now, I'm satisfied with being able to use a pic as the background for my post.

-Kapil Dev
-Necrodevz