The Ramblings of Jen

Hard Truths

2018-02-16T13:09:00.003-06:00

I'm currently in an ice skating rink, surrounded by kids and parents having fun and blowing off steam after a half day of school. It's loud. It's chaotic. It's my idea of hell. And I am sitting on the tip top bleacher, half in the dark, typing on my laptop and hoping no one notices that I'm crying.

I few minutes ago, I said "Fuck you" to my daughter.

Yep. I did. You heard that right. And then I walked away. More accurately, I escaped to the bathroom and promptly burst into tears. And now I can't seem to get the tears to stop.

Is there anything worse than uncontrollable crying in public?

Well...yeah. I guess telling your kid "Fuck You" is worse.

My daughter is in 8th grade. I love her fiercely. She is strong and smart and fragile and beguiling, and...sometimes very, very difficult to be around.

But that is no excuse for what I said, no excuse for the mother I've become.

When the kids were little, I was stunned by the abundant amount of patience suddenly at my disposal. I've never been a particularly patient person. But having small children brought it out in me. I had to be patient; I had no choice. This simple, straightforward logic seemed to unlock something in me, and I became more patient than I had ever been in my life.

That lasted...well, for awhile. I guess I had a good run.

But the stress of parenting two very opinionated, very outspoken, very stubborn girls began to chip away at my seemingly unending well of patience. As they got older, my fuse got shorter.

And then...well, I had a bad year.

First, we lost the election. That may sound stupid to some, but the despair I felt that awful night was crushing, and it has not abated; if anything, it's grown worse. And then, my dad died. The ferociousness and intensity of my grief sort of caught me by surprise. I felt sucker-punched. Life got more intense - estate logistics and family squabbles on top of trying to give myself space to mourn - and my ability to deal with things radically declined. I lost some support systems at a time when I really, really, really couldn't afford to lose them. I felt like everybody wanted/needed/expected something from me, and the burden of it all started to take a toll. I could feel myself drowning in all my anger - all this weird anger that suddenly showed up and ATE all of my patience, just ate it right up like a small snack pack of chips and then looked at me like, "What you got next? Cause I'm still hungry."

And then my teenager-out-of-the-womb oldest daughter actually officially became a teenager, and the shit really started to hit the fan.

I felt overwhelmed and ill-equipped to deal with all the parenting challenges coming my way, plus just...life. Marriage, work, busy schedules...all of it. I knew I was lost - I felt it. I feel it still.

I started having small panic attacks. Sometimes I couldn't swallow around all the anxiety. I stopped sleeping at night. I cried at the most unpredictable of times - or, worse yet, I didn't feel anything at all.

But most of all...I was PISSED. All day, every day. I was, and am, angry.

My anger became so big, it couldn't be contained. I had to swallow it around colleagues, friends, fellow moms, extended family. But I couldn't hold it in all the time. So my immediate family bore the brunt of it. My husband. My kids.

And soon, I found myself dealing with an emotional, raging, unpredictable kid by being an emotional, raging, unpredictable parent.

I told myself I needed time. Time to grieve, to breathe, to regroup, to heal. In my mind, I gave myself the deadline of the end of the year. After the year was over, I'd really start working on turning a corner. That seemed fair. Doable. I gave myself a bit of a break.

A year (and more) has passed. Nothing has changed.

And now here I am, blogging and crying in a suburban ice rink, trying to understand how I went from a parent who spent all day every day with maniacal, tyrannical toddlers and (mostly) didn't lose it to a parent who tells her kid "Fuck you" because she spoke shitty to me.

She won't remember all the nights I got up with her, all the times I held her hand and breathed with her when her anxiety became too much, all the times I hugged her while she cried.

But she will remember what I just said to her. And she should. Because it was awful.

I know I need help. But right now, all my energy is going toward my kids, my marriage, and trying not to completely, utterly, inexorably lose my shit forever and ever more, amen. There isn't much energy or time or money left over for anything else.

And also...I am scared.

I tell myself that tomorrow is another opportunity...that even a minute from now is another chance. A chance to get it right. To be better. To do better.

I tell myself that.

But I have no idea what to tell my 13 year old daughter.

She doesn't care what I'm struggling with, how angry or overwhelmed I am. Because she is all those things too, and it's not her job to worry about me. It's MY job to worry about HER.

She just wants her old mom back.

Almost 13

2017-05-09T19:00:00.000-05:00

It feels like the remarkable young lady standing beside me in this picture was a tiny, jaundiced, squalling infant just yesterday. How is it possible that she is now almost 13?!?

But...but...Barbie never complained!

2017-05-04T13:55:00.003-05:00

This pic is one of my better spontaneous hair creations.

I'm pretty proud of my braiding skills. I went to the School of Barbie (years and years of training, folks), and while I'm no expert, I have a couple of tricks up my sleeve.

This morning, Sophie asked me to put her hair in a single braid. One braid? Pffff. Cake walk.

Me: "Um...sure. I think I can handle that."

Sophie: "But...just...well...don't do it like you normally do it, okay, Mommy? Do it like a professional this time, please. I want it to look nice."

Snickerdoodles

2017-05-03T13:52:00.000-05:00

My daughter seems happy lately.

It is such a rare and fragile thing. Like a delicate butterfly that suddenly lands on your hand. You just want to freeze time, stay still, and not risk a sudden, stupid movement that will cause the beautiful creature to fly away.

I just came home from grocery shopping and found my normally mercurial, moody tween beaming from ear to ear. She proudly declared that she had made snickerdoodles from scratch while I was gone. When I asked what had possessed her, she said, "Well, you told me once that a great way to show love is to bake. So..."

I'm hiding in the bathroom right now, crying a little, as I type this.

What a privilege it is, being her mother.

No Santa: Growing Up Sorta Sucks

2016-05-10T10:42:00.002-05:00

My oldest daughter is almost 12 years old, and up until about 15 hours ago, she still kinda sorta maybe believed in Santa Claus. (Yeah, I know. We were astounded, too.)

But all good things must come to an end. Last night, we were talking about her desk, and I made the classic mistake of saying something like, "Well, when we bought this for you, we were thinking you could use it for...yada yada yada." Annnnd...yep. You guessed it. The desk was a gift from Santa.

I've been caught in similar slip ups before, and I've always managed to talk my way out of them. But this time, I decided to not even try. I mean, she's in middle school. The conversation felt almost ridiculously overdue, and I thought I would merely be confirming something that she already knew, not revealing some potentially devastating secret. So when she asked me the inevitable question, I did not dodge it. I answered honestly.

About 30 minutes of intense, angry, desolate sobbing ensued.

In many ways, Emma is a mature kid. She gets herself up early in the mornings for band and chorus practice, packs her own lunch, gets out the door and to the bus...many times before I've even woken up. She gets excellent grades in school, managing her own homework and deadlines with virtually no assistance from us. Her teachers rave about her focus and dedication and responsibility. And she is starting to become more sophisticated in her thinking, understanding the world around her more and asking insightful questions about society as a whole.

But in other ways, mostly emotionally, she is still sooooooooooo young.

The tween dichotomy between little girl and young woman is very real. Sometimes Emma seems so grown up to me, a casual look or throwaway comment from her can almost make me weep. Yet other times, I'm rendered speechless by her immaturity and naivete. She switches from flippant and superior to whiny and needy on a dime. It's hard to navigate between these polar opposites, and frankly, I often get lost. She desperately wants to be treated like a teenager...but she's not there yet. I am always struggling to know when to give her space, respect her boundaries, let her work things out on her own, and when to rock her in my arms like a baby...like my baby, which she still is. I often get it wrong - giving her one thing when she needs the other. It's a dance - a delicate, complicated, constant dance. And sometimes we step on each others' toes. But we keep on dancing.

Regardless of her age and maturity, she has always been very sensitive. Hearing her sob and wail over Santa made me want to permanently wrap her heart in bubble wrap before sending her back out into the world. She's like an exposed nerve ending with legs. Her emotional vulnerability terrifies me. I want her to toughen up, and I want her to never change. Grow a protective layer of cynicism, and yet never lose touch with her feelings. Be both practical and open, hard and soft, fierce and tender. But how to be both? Why can't she be both? Yet how can I teach her to be both, when I'm still learning those things for myself?

After she had a good cry over the loss of Santa, she seemed much better. Fine, in fact. Before going to sleep, she told me, "Mommy, I already knew Santa wasn't real. In my head. But I still believed in my heart. Is it okay if I still believe in my heart?"

Always, Em. Always.

Annual Mothers Day Post

2016-05-08T14:54:00.000-05:00

Mother's Day is my favorite day of the year.

I take great pride in being a mother, and great joy in a day dedicated to celebrating that role - not only for myself, but for others as well. For a girl born on Christmas, it is still a rather new experience to have a day that's all about me. And yeah. I know that sounds selfish. It is selfish. And that's okay. It's okay to be selfish once in awhile, to crave and need a day/hour/moment where the focus is on you. Everyone deserves that, at least once a year, don't you think? I do...and when it's my turn, believe you me - I revel in it.

Not that Mother's Day is all about me. I not only am a mother, I have one too - a pretty brilliant one at that...a truly selfless woman that I love and appreciate more than I can ever show. I have a beautiful plethora of other mothers in my life as well - mother-in-law, sister, aunts, cousins, friends - that inspire me every day. And I see the joy in my daughters' eyes on Mother's Day, the excitement they feel at having an excuse to share their feelings and spoil me a little. Of course, we don't only share our feelings on Mother's Day. But the ritual of it all is nice, as it is for any other holiday - having that annual reminder to tell the mothers in your life that matter to you...well, that they matter to you.

For all of these reasons, Mother's Day is my favorite day of the year. But I recognize, probably now more than ever, that a day that means so much to me can mean something very different to other people.

People who have lost their mothers. People who have lost a child. People who grew up without a mother. People who have complex relationships with their mothers, and/or with their children. People who are not mothers, and desperately want to be. Even people who are not mothers, and choose not to be.

I see you all. I don't pretend to know what your experience feels like. But I see it, I respect it, and to all those that associate Mother's Day with pain or loss, my heart aches for you.

Please know that my joy in this day is not in any way meant to cause you pain, even though I realize that it still might. It is simply my truth. For those who feel alone or sad on this day, or any day, I truly wish you warmth and peace. That feels woefully inadequate, yet it is all I have to offer.

And now...my way to honor the tremendous effort my family puts into making Mother's Day so special for me. Some treasures from my favorite day, courtesy of my favorite people in the world.

The day actually started off the night before, when I came home late from my show to a completely clean house. They even mopped! They were three busy bees while mama was at the theater. Then I woke up to beautiful tulips, and a few surprises.

Emma made me a double layer red velvet cake with cream cheese frosting, baked and decorated all by herself.

Sophie had several homemade gifts for me, but this was my favorite.

The biggest surprise was waking up to an egg hunt! Chris and the girls each wrote specific things that they loved about me on little pieces of paper, and then folded the notes into emoji eggs that they hid all around the house for me to find. Best. Gift. Ever.

I like nature. Who woulda thunk it?

2015-06-15T21:41:00.003-05:00

We just got back from a glorious getaway with my mom, dad, sisters, niece, nephew and brother-in-law. Eleven of us total, bunking together for the week in a cozy cabin in the Smoky Mountains. (And we did not kill each other. Like, NOT EVEN A LITTLE. We totally got this family vacation thing down COLD.)

From the moment we arrived, Gatlinburg basically stole my heart.

I don't consider myself a nature girl. Camping has always struck me as a pretty miserable way to voluntarily spend your time. (Good gravy, we are not cavemen anymore - SLEEP IN A BED.) I enjoy sunshine on my face as much as the next person, but I've never been one for being outside every minute of the day. I tend to screech - loudly - at the first sign of insects or wildlife. But as soon as I spied those mountains, I fell in love. The views were truly (and literally) breathtaking, and all I wanted was more more more.

We checked out a lot of the touristy things that Gatlinburg and Pigeon Forge had to offer. Each were fun in their own way, and the kids had a great time. But most of the excursions were super expensive, and some weren't really of particular interest to me. My favorite parts of the trip were hiking, climbing, exploring. Running my hands through the pure, clear water of the falls. Crouching on a rock and listening to the babbling brooks. Stopping at a lookout and taking in the vast green all around. Floating down the rapids and marveling at the river's beauty and power. Sitting on our cabin's porch and watching the sun set over the treetops. I couldn't get enough, and I'm already dreaming of the day we can return.

It was a special week in one of the most gorgeous places I've ever seen, surrounded by all the people who mean the most to me. What more can one ask for?

Tennessee, we already miss you.

White water rafting on the Pigeon River. My first time. Absolutely exhilarating.

Yeah, we did Dollywood. An exhausting and ridiculously (over)expensive day, in my opinion. But the kids had fun.

My babies.

Our attempt at a selfie. Let's just say I am definitely not a Kardashian!

Sophie and Chris at the NASCAR Speed Park, getting their go cart on.

With the Smoky Mountains in the background. Gorgeous, gorgeous, gorgeous.

On our hike to Grotto Falls, the kids and I went ahead. I had such a blast with them, feeding off their energy. (1.6 miles uphill over rocks and tree roots and boulders is no joke. My thighs were like, "WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING?")

We almost broke our necks getting in place for this shot. (Okay, maybe just me. Young people and their damn BALANCE and FEARLESSNESS. Those rocks were slippery, give me a break.)

Yep...that's Sophie and Cadin back there!

Family photo, with a little waterfall in the background. Gatlinburg's like, "No big whoop. I have hundreds where that came from."

My mom, god bless her. She made it almost halfway up the mountain through pretty tough terrain before calling it quits. She sat and waited for us, content to chat with other hikers and take in the peace around her while we soldiered on. Never once complained. What a trooper.

Me and my love.

These girls sure do love their Aunt Jayme.

Group photo after reaching Laurel Falls. About 3 minutes after this shot was taken, we were hit by a thunderstorm and buckets of cold, hard, unrelenting rain. The path down the mountain was narrow, with nothing on your right but a steep and dangerous drop. It was a slippery trek. I was a nervous wreck, my poor nephew was terrified, and we were all soaked through. However, not all of us were daunted. Emma's first words after reaching the bottom? "That was so much fun!"

Hanging at the aquarium with this guy. None of us could take our eyes off of him.

These sharks seemed just a little too interested in my baby.

Emma and Sophie, literally inside the penguin exhibit. The Gatlinburg Aquarium kinda rocks.

These awesome and gorgeous women just happen to be my sisters. I dig them.


The girls in the original Love Bug.

Obligatory group photo!

Us, Right Now

2015-05-02T22:14:00.000-05:00

2015 has been a tricky year so far for my family. My father-in-law has been battling cancer for almost two years, and his journey with this insidious, ridiculous, fucking-fuck-fuck (excuse my fucking language) disease is soon coming to an end. He decided six weeks ago to stop treatment and begin hospice at home, and Chris has been in St. Louis ever since. He's working remotely while also being primary caregiver to his dad. And the girls and I are here in Oak Lawn, plugging along and missing Chris more than any words can possibly express.

There is so much I want to say about how this experience has been for Chris. So much that has surprised, moved, angered me. Rendered me helpless, speechless. But ultimately, that isn't my story to tell. So I'll continue to do here what I've been doing, to the best of my ability, for the last six weeks - focusing on me and my girls.

For me, this experience has been a series of life lessons.

I've learned that my girls are shaken, but resilient. They are sad about losing their Paw Paw, and they miss their Daddy a lot. But we've gotten into a routine, and things are going as well as can be expected. Which is to say that some days we really rock this on-our-own thing, and some days we are one step away from clawing each others' faces off. Such is life. I think they are a little sick of nothing but The Mom Show 24/7. Sophie raged at me during a recent fight, "I don't want your face. I want Daddy's face!" But they also cling to me more than usual, reaching out to touch me whenever they can, reassuring themselves that one of us is still here. Sophie burst into tears last week when I told her I have jury duty soon (great timing, Cook County!) because somehow she thought it meant that the judge might send me to jail. She wailed, "If you go to jail, who will take care of us?! YOU SHOULD HAVE THOUGHT OF THAT BEFORE YOU MADE THE POLICE MAD!" Emma asks me often to lay with her until she goes to sleep because she is scared. Even my dog is having frequent nightmares. The feelings manifest in different ways. But overall, they are okay.

I have learned that my husband, who I already thought did a lot around the house, actually does A LOT around the house. Having the burden rest suddenly on my lone shoulders is a huge eye-opener to just how much he contributes. My whole world is laundry and dishes and meals meals meals and changing light bulbs and yard work and taking out trash and school projects and grocery shopping and cleaning and refereeing and feeding the dog and drying tears and entertaining and picking up/dropping off children - all day every day, with no help/partner/buffer/break. I have always had enormous respect for single parents, but that respect is now through the roof. Don't get me wrong - I'm not deluded enough to think that my little experiment in single-parenting is anything close to the real deal. But it's given me the smallest taste into a single parent's world, and I'm left humbly astounded by it.

I have learned that I took "me" time for granted. I relied on Chris to pick up the slack so I could enjoy various outlets for myself - acting, socializing, exercising, shopping, napping, etc. All the things I would normally do "when Chris gets home" are now either gone or modified. When the girls are at school, I am working. For everything else...where I go, they go.

I have learned that it is really hard to go through a difficult time and not have your best friend by your side. Because, of course, my best friend is 300 miles away. Chris can't be here for me through this, because he needs to be there for his dad instead. He's exactly where he needs to be, and I don't have a moment's doubt or resentment about it. But there are still several times a day when I think, "God, I can't wait to tell Chris about this." And I can't. Because I don't want him worrying about me, about us. He has enough to worry about. I don't want to bother him with my petty needs or questions when he is doing one of the single most important and difficult things he will ever do in his life.

I have learned that I can do more than I think I can. Many things that I just relied on Chris to do, I can do for myself. (Cleaning up dog poop is an admitted exception; my backyard is currently a shit-filled wasteland.) And while I am sometimes mind-numbingly lonely, I've discovered that I don't actually need all the socialization and outside distractions. I've simplified my life down to the very basics: work and home. And in some ways, it's a relief.

I have learned that I can do better. I have a couple of close friends/family who have been wonderful about checking in regularly and consistently. And by "wonderful" I mean "absolutely fucking brilliant." Others have reached out to say they care and are thinking of us. A handful check in periodically, asking for any new news about Chris or his dad. All of these gestures are deeply, deeply appreciated. But mostly, it's been pretty quiet. Beyond those core couple of people, there have been no real offers of help or time (eg, taking the girls for a few hours, coming to visit, lending an ear, whatever). It's been a little surprising, to be honest. I write this not to make anybody feel badly. (Please please please, that is not my intent.) Rather, I write this because I have a two-part theory as to why this is, and my theory says way more about me than anyone around me.

Partly, I think it's just human nature for a lot of people with the absolutely best intentions to keep their distance when the shit hits the fan, either because they are uncomfortable, they don't know what to do, or they have too much going on in their own lives. I've developed this theory from personal experience, because I've behaved exactly the same way in the past. I've sent a card or a note, maybe a supportive text or comment on Facebook, and then I've figured - they've got a lot on their plates, they know I'm thinking about them, they'll ask for help if they need it, I don't want to bother them - and I've gotten on with my life, worrying about them from afar. And it wasn't because I didn't care. Quite the opposite - I cared a lot, and I think most people who've been relatively absent in our lives the last few weeks care a lot too. It just is what it is. Everyone's dealing with something, and we are all trying to stay afloat. For me, I often don't know how to help, so instead I do nothing. Whatever the reason, I don't blame anyone; life is hard, and we are all doing the best we can. In fact, I'm mostly thankful for the situation. Because my eyes have been opened to how I've fallen short in this area, and I am determined to do better in the future.

The second part of my theory is easier to specify, but harder to swallow. Clearly, I have failed to build a strong community around myself. And that is all on me. We aren't a member of a church, we don't have a huge social circle, we aren't close to neighbors, we live in a town that - three years later - still feels new and foreign. And as I said before, I think I've been less than a stellar friend to others in the past. So. I'm not sure what to do about this particular lesson, but it's one I take to heart and plan to ruminate on moving forward.

I have learned that while my current situation is far from unique, it's still okay to acknowledge that it sucks. I know many people going through many difficult situations right now. Bitching about six weeks without my husband will probably strike some as the height of self-absorbed ridiculousness. Which is why I haven't been writing much lately, honestly. I didn't want to have a post full of nothing but whining and complaints, and I knew if I started typing, that's where it could potentially go. But it's my truth. It's where we are at right now. And that's okay.

I have learned that family is everything. The clarity this experience has given me is something for which I am truly grateful. I know what matters, truly matters, in a way I haven't fully felt or understood in quite awhile. The people I love and who love me in return are my family, whether blood or chosen. They are my people, my clan, my tribe. And that is everything to me. All the rest is just noise - still important, but not essential. That knowledge seems like it should be obvious, but it has proven too easy for me to forget over the years. NOTHING in my life works without my family.

Lastly, I have learned that love heals. My girls have been such a source of strength for me these weeks. I've lost count of how many times one of their hugs has restored me. And every time I feel their little arms around me, I think of my husband. It makes me desperately sad that Chris is facing such a difficult time without us by his side. Every day, I wonder...who is hugging him right now? Every night, I pray for our love to travel far and strong and squeeze him tight. So I urge you to take a look around at the person(s) standing beside you every day, the ones who are truly essential in your life...who are your life. Take a deep breath of thanks and give them a nice, long, hard embrace. I promise, the loving energy will renew you both.

Happy New Year

2015-01-01T22:03:00.004-06:00

We spent our New Year's Eve with the Thompson family this year. I hope you were able to ring in the new year similarly, surrounded by dear friends and loved ones.

The midnight money shot. Gus peace'd out several hours earlier, completely unimpressed with the whole "ring in the New Year" thing.

Overall, 2014 was very kind to me and my family. There were a few bumps in the road, but we have our health and each other, and that's truly all I can ever ask for.

Looking into my crystal ball, I foresee the next year as one of change. I say bring it, 2015...we're ready for you. (I think.)

Happy New Year to you all! May 2015 treat you well.

Sophie's Letter to the Tooth Fairy

2014-12-10T12:05:00.001-06:00

Sophie lost a tooth yesterday. Here's the note she put under her pillow for the Tooth Fairy to find. ~~IF THIS ISN'T THE CUTEST THING YOU'VE EVER SEEN, THEN YOU HAVE NO SOUL.~~ Pretty cute, huh? It's the picture of the tooth itself that kills me.

Translation: "Dear Tooth Fairy, I accidentally swallowed my tooth. So if you don't find my tooth I swallowed it on accident but you can still give me money or a toy. Love your friend Sophie Mathews.

Happy Halloween!

2014-10-31T06:48:00.000-05:00

THIS is how you rock a photo booth, people.

2014-09-02T22:49:00.003-05:00

Keep Dreamin'

2014-08-31T21:12:00.000-05:00

My dream job came to an end today.

I was cast back in February as an understudy at Steppenwolf Theatre, for their world premiere production of The Qualms. (If you click the link, watch the Look Inside video to get an idea of what the play is about.) I started in June, and today was the 68th and final performance of the run.

It has been an amazing experience.

Steppenwolf has been my dream place to work for almost 20 years. I saw Steppenwolf's production of Buried Child while in college, and it literally changed the trajectory of my life. (Sam Shepard. Gary Sinise. Ethan Hawke. Lois Smith. AMAZING.) Up until that point, I'd planned to move to New York City after graduation. It never occurred to me to live anywhere else. I had always assumed that if you wanted to be a serious theater actor, then NYC was where you went. But after seeing Buried Child, I knew that I wanted to do that kind of theatre with those kinds of artists. Chicago - and, by extension, Steppenwolf - became my new dream.

I've lived in Chicago for 16 years now, and of course, I discovered long ago that there are so many outstanding theater companies here. And most of them aren't in the theater district. If you ever come to Chicago and are looking for a show to see, email me and I'll give you recommendations. There is much more to Chicago theater than the huge venues downtown. As Mr. Tracy Letts said in his Tony acceptance speech for Best Actor last year (CLICK AND WATCH THE BRILLIANCE OF THIS SPEECH that never fails to make me cry), there are storefront theaters all over Chicago filled with actors who "say it to their faces," and I am proud to be one of them. Tourists are often drawn to the big Broadway touring shows playing in the heart of the Loop, and don't get me wrong - I enjoy those shows as much as anyone. But they are not Chicago theater. Even a lot of Chicago residents miss out on the heart and grit and tremendous talent that forms the backbone of theater in this city, simply because they don't know where to look. (If interested in learning more about the vast array of theater choices in Chicago, the League of Chicago Theatres website is a great place to start. And yes, I'm aware that I sound like an infomercial.)

I am a fan of many theaters in Chicago, of all sizes, and have an ever-growing list of all the places at which I would love to work someday. But for me, Steppenwolf has always been my ultimate "if I could only work there" place. During our first years in Chicago, even when Chris and I struggled to make rent and couldn't afford health insurance and often survived solely on Campbell's chicken noodle soup (or rather, I did...Chris ate baby food from his Nonnie, which is a story for another day), we always splurged on season subscriptions to Steppenwolf. I've seen so many memorable productions there over the years...shows that I loved and a few that I loathed, but every one of them a visceral experience that made me feel something. Each year, my esteem for Steppenwolf - and my dream to work with them one day - only grew.

In case you were wondering why in the hell it took me 16 years to realize my dream...a bit of background. (Throw in my recurring hang ups and indecision and crippling battles with myself over whether or not to even be an actor, and you'll have filled in the blanks.) At a theater like Steppenwolf, you need to be invited to audition. They rarely, if ever, have open calls. (Actually, this is how quite a lot of theater companies in Chicago work.) You can submit your headshot and resume to them, but that does not mean that they will call you in. I was invited to their general auditions for the first and only time eight years ago. I don't do well at general auditions. I am much, much better at auditioning with sides. For some reason, I'm hit-or-miss when it comes to monologue auditions. I did not adequately prepare, and the audition was definitely one of my misses. I left feeling that I'd just blown a rare and important opportunity. Turns out, I had. I never heard from them again, and I carried that frustration with me for a very long time.

Then, a few months ago, a friend got an invite from Steppenwolf's casting director to audition for an understudy role in The Qualms. She accepted. But she also did an incredibly selfless thing - she forwarded the invite to me as well. She had read the play and thought I fit the role perfectly. She encouraged me to email them and ask if I could come in and audition too. I did. They said yes. This time, they wanted me to do a side from the play. (Yay!) I prepared, prepared, prepared, prepared. I auditioned. I got the job.

I would have never known about the audition had my friend not told me, and perhaps if I had not auditioned, she would have gotten the role instead. She had to have known that that was a possibility, yet she told me about the audition anyway. She championed me throughout the process, and sincerely congratulated me when I got the job. I am grateful to my friend for so many things - this is just one more act of generosity to add to a long, long list. But it's quite a whopper, wouldn't you agree?

After I accepted the job, I began to panic. I've never understudied before. In fact, I've avoided doing so for years. It always sounded like a pretty thankless job to me (sort of true) and a lot of hard work (definitely true). But I always told myself that if one of the big theater companies asked me - those companies in my head that comprise my Big 5 - I would do it in a heartbeat. And I did. But I didn't know what to expect, and lack of knowledge always makes me anxious. Hence, the panic.

Luckily, Steppenwolf just happens to know what the hell they are doing. The tremendously talented stage management team walked us through everything we needed to know and made sure we were thoroughly prepared. My emotions ran the gamut from complete terror to utter confidence at the mere thought of going on, depending on how far we were into the rehearsal process. But even when I was frightened as hell, I secretly desperately hoped I would get to go on. For a long time, I even felt this inexplicable certainty that at some point I would get to go on. And...I never did. It's my one disappointment. Some of my fellow understudies went on, and while I was genuinely thrilled for them, it was also kinda hard to watch. We all worked so hard, and were so ready, and I wish each of us could have had that experience, just once. In case you think I'm completely delusional...I KNOW that's the nature of the job when you are an understudy; you need to be prepared and ready at any time for a contingency that most likely will never happen. My brain knew that the theater had never guaranteed me a performance, and the odds that I'd actually get to perform were slim. My heart just refused to believe it. Also, I was pretty naive. In my ignorance, I figured that since the theater put so many resources into hiring talented understudies and making sure they were thoroughly prepared, the policy for cast members missing a show would be rather lax. In fact, I stupidly thought that understudies would step in if the actors were tired, or had a wedding, or travel plans, or just wanted a damn break for one night. I mean...we were there and we were ready. Wasn't that what we were there for? Boy, was I wrong. Stage management made it clear that understudies were there in case of an emergency only, and the fervent hope was that we were never needed. From my perspective, that was disappointing to learn. But seeing it through the eyes of the theater, I understood.

Despite not going on, I still had a great time and learned so much. I was in the room with a Pulitzer Prize and Tony Award winning playwright and a Tony Award winning director. I got to sit there, like a teeny tiny awestruck fly on the wall, and watch them work. I don't think either of them would recognize me if they passed me on the street, but their faces and voices are etched in my memory. The unique opportunity to watch a world premiere come to life in such talented hands was unquantifiable. I also got to watch some of the best actors in Chicago (and a few from New York) do their thing...over and over and over and over again. :) (Seriously though...it could have gotten boring very quickly, but the play was so funny and the cast so engaging that it rarely did.) I got to tread the boards of a Steppenwolf stage, even if only in rehearsals. I met a lot of talented and interesting people. And I got to scan my little security badge every day and go downstairs and hole up in my dressing room and tell myself, "I'm at work now. At Steppenwolf. I'M AT WORK AT STEPPENWOLF."

To a lot of my peers, I don't think understudying at Steppenwolf is that big of a deal. I mean, it's a paid gig at one of the most critically acclaimed theaters in the country. No working actor just shrugs that off. But I suspect most actors wouldn't get as excited as me. Or maybe all the fantastic actors I know who've had similar jobs are just way better at acting nonchalant than I am. I guess it all depends on where you are in your life and career, and who your own personal faves are. But for me...this summer has been a gift, and I am deeply grateful for it.

I don't know what's next on the horizon for me. Such is the life of an actor; you never really know. And, admittedly, I'm not very good at living in that space of uncertainty. I like to have a plan, and I struggle with maintaining the self-motivation and confidence required to be a working actor. Sometimes it just feels too hard to keep moving through each disappointment and keep pushing toward the next opportunity. Over the years, I've gone through phases where I've taken a long break from acting or decided I'm done altogether. It is an electrifying, exhilarating, and bruising way to make a living, and my too-sensitive self often needs to take a step back. But I always return to the theater, and at this point in my life, I know that I always will. Being in this show, surrounded by such talented artists, has inspired me to keep going, keep working, keep striving. I feel a new drive to move forward, and my new plan - my new dream - is to simply ride that wave and see where it takes me.

The complete cast and crew of The Qualms. See me? (Photo by Michael Brosilow.)

Me with my fellow understudies/dressing-room-mates Jordan and Allie. This entire experience would have been very different if I hadn't had these two women to giggle with every day. (Photo by random person on the street.)

First Day of School!

2014-08-20T09:42:00.000-05:00

They are growing up too damn fast.

First grader and fifth grader. Last year ever that they will be at the same school together!

Safety guard!

This first grader LOVED her new teacher.

(Not So) Spontaneous Tattoo!

2014-08-19T23:30:00.000-05:00

I've toyed with the idea of getting a tattoo since college, and have actively wanted a tattoo for ten years. I've known the exact look and content of my tattoo, and where I wanted it on my body, for over three years. I decided to use turning 40 as an excuse to actually...you know...get the tattoo that I've thought about getting for two decades. And almost 8 months after my birthday...I actually did it! (I know. A bit impulsive, but what can I say?)

After finally pulling the trigger, I am happy to report that I LOVE MY TATTOO. Emma and Sophie love it too. Emma asked if she could get one of her own someday. "Sure!" I replied. After all, I'm no hypocrite. I explained that if she decides to get a tattoo when she turns 40, I will be fully supportive. Em seemed to find this logic fair and just. (Because IT IS.)

BIG, BIG thanks to my castmates Allie and Jordan, who gave me the push I needed to go and stayed by my side the whole time. Without them, it might have taken me another twenty years.That's not a joke.

Just before. So excited!
And a little nauseous. Lightheaded.
Perhaps thisclose to a mini panic attack.
But...EXCITED!

Here we go! And...yep. It hurts.

It gets a little better as we go along, but...yep. Still hurts.

My tattoo artist was really good. Thorough, quick, precise, and patient. Bless her.

My friend Allie held my hand the entire time, while also taking tons of one-handed photos, while also telling an elaborate story about a head-dancing mink just to take my mind off the pain. Allie is good people.

DONE! That's a smile of relief, folks. Tremendous relief.


The final product: "starve the emptiness and feed the hunger" - an Indigo Girls lyric that holds great meaning for me.

And...post-tattoo happiness!

Emma in her own words

2014-07-22T09:59:00.000-05:00

In answer to your question...yes, it is July 22nd and I'm just now going through the work my kids brought home on their last day of school 6 weeks ago. What of it?

And now...Miss Emma, in her own words.

Chris

2014-06-21T14:21:00.001-05:00

My husband is a very generous and selfless human being.

He works hard at a job that he doesn't always like very much, just to make sure our family has all that we need. He does laundry, dishes, housework...more than his fair share. He fixes things...the things I ask him to fix, and the things I never even knew were broken. He does most of our grocery shopping. He cleans up all the dog poop in our backyard because he knows it makes me gag. He spends hours on our pool, making sure it is ready for us to use every day, even though he rarely gets to take a dip himself. He mows, does yard work. He cleans both cars, including the one he doesn't drive. He reads to the girls, plays with them, giggles with them, helps them with homework. He responds to almost all of my "Honey, can you do [insert task here] please?" texts with a simple "Yes, I can."

He always, always puts us first.

These are things that he does all the time, just because he is awesome.

In addition, he is really picking up the slack as my rehearsals heat up. He spends hours reading over lines with me - both running them with me and recording them with me so I can practice when he's at work. He picks up the girls from camp, gets them fed and bathed and tucked into bed. He has made plans - actual, thought-out-written-down plans - of what he wants to do with the girls this summer while I am off being an actor. Road trips, adventures, activities. He has declared it "The Summer of Daddy" with nothing but excitement in his voice. When I'm sitting on my ass because my back hurts (long story...chiropractor appointment Monday) or I'm running lines, he doesn't once say to me, "Can you get your lazy butt up and DO SOMETHING?" I lost a job recently...or quit, depending on who is telling the story, I guess. (Since this is my blog and my story, let's say lost, shall we?) I know he must be scared about money, but he never lets it show. He encourages me to chase my dreams and has never - NOT ONCE - said to me, "You are being selfish" or "You should be home more" or "You need to get a REAL job." He HAS said things to me such as, "I like seeing you happier," "You are so talented," "You seem more alive when you are creating," and, simply, "Yes." Yes, yes, and more yes.

I take him for granted once in awhile, because after 18 years of his awesomeness, I sometimes forget just how truly incredible he is. He deserves a better wife than me, but thank you baby Jesus, he doesn't seem to think so. (Most of the time, anyway.)

Despite my very accurate gushing about him above, he is not perfect. He is human, and flawed. But I consider that a gift. (Most of the time, anyway.) Those chinks in his armor are the only things that keep me from jumping into a car and heading for Canada so he can have a shot at a real damn wife.

He is my touchstone, my rock, my everything. Nothing - NOTHING - in my life works without him.

Everyone deserves a Chris. I am so incredibly grateful for mine.

Double Digits, Baby!

2014-06-09T09:27:00.000-05:00

Our baby is 10 years old. Wow. Just...wow. A decade knowing and loving Miss Emma Bloom. What a gift.

Sleepover shenanigans to mark the momentous occasion.

And fun times with Every Flavor Beans...

My Favorite Day

2014-05-11T22:22:00.003-05:00

First of all, HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY to all the awesome moms I know, and all the ones I don't. Every mother in the world deserves a day of appreciation and pampering, which is probably why the powers-that-be went and made Mother's Day a national holiday and all.

Since having kids, this is my favorite day of the year. Maybe because I'm a Christmas baby, or ~~maybe~~ absolutely because I'm a narcissist, I really like having a day all about me! And my family puts so much thought into making the day special, which really touches me.

I absolutely love seeing the excitement in my girls as they give me my presents. This year, Sophie woke me up with a Breakfast in Bed Bag, complete with tea and a granola bar.

She also decorated a special photo frame for me. She was very proud of herself, as she should be.

Emma gave me a wonderful gift basket with a picture frame she put together at school, three new nail polishes, and a lime orange foot rub that she made from scratch. (My DIY girl.)

Em also made me a card, with a picture of me (not bad, right?) and a beautiful note inside that made me cry. (It references another gift still to come. She knows how to build anticipation!)

And both girls wrote me something special...a letter from Sophie and a poem from Emma.

Chris would not be outdone, surprising me with a brand new desk. Our old one came with the house, and it's been held together by random staples and lots of prayer for quite awhile. I was totally blown away by the surprise.

Even better than the gift itself is that he worked all day long to put the thing together for me. As he labored away, I told my girls that flowers and candy might be the stuff of fairy tales, but having a guy dedicate an entire day toward building something just for you is true romance. Sophie said, "Mommy, it makes me so happy that Daddy did that for you. It makes me happy that he loves you."

Eight hours later, the masterpiece was complete. Ta da! My hero.

I am full of gratitude for this wonderful family of mine. I sure do dig them a lot, and I'm super glad they feel the same way about me. Long live Mother's Day!

Who Is This Girl?

2014-04-28T11:21:00.000-05:00

My daughter - the same one that usually makes us late to school EVERY SINGLE DAY - set her own alarm and was up, dressed, and making her own lunch before I was even out of bed. Normally our mornings consist of me slapping peanut butter on bread and begging, "Emma, please....MOVE!" about 37 times. Early rising and own-meal-making are both unprecedented. Is there an eclipse today? Something-or-other in retrograde? I tried to help out and she actually said to me, "Mommy, go sit down. I want to do this myself."

I feel like I've fallen down the rabbit hole.

FLORIDA!

2014-04-16T21:18:00.004-05:00

We want to Sarasota, Florida over spring break recently and had a great time. Don't be too jealous - it rained quite a bit of the time that we were there. I'm not complaining though. Compared to the weather in Chicago, it was absolutely glorious.

We managed to squeeze in a couple of beach days, and we had so much fun hanging out with Grandma and Grandpa Kitty (a.k.a. Chris's Mom and stepdad) in their beautiful new home. (All those photos below that are taken in front of the plate glass window, with the gorgeous foliage outside? Yeah. That's their living room.)

We also went to Clearwater Marine Aquarium for the day to see Winter the dolphin and her new friend Hope, which was a definite highlight of the trip. Chris and I even got a couple of nights to ourselves! Two yummy dinners alone, acting all like adults and shizz, plus an exquisite evening seeing my beloved Indigo Girls in concert. So. Nice. All in all, an awesome trip with dear family that ended way too soon.

Some photos below. Enjoy!

Happy St. Patrick's Day from Sophie

2014-03-17T17:09:00.000-05:00

Translation: I am lucky for my family. My sister cheers me up when I am feeling sad. My Dad always gets me treats. My Mom goes with me on a ride when I am scared. I love when I am lucky.

Sophie: An Author's Tale

2014-03-03T13:12:00.003-06:00

My kindergartener has written a story.

She thought up the story at school last week, in collaboration with her class. She decided to write it down today so that, as she explained to me, "You can keep it in your special forever files, Mommy."

She grabbed her notebook paper and headed to her room, where she holed herself away to work. Then she emerged, a little shy to share what she had done, nervous about whether or not I would like it. But in her heart, she knew it was good. It was written on her face, in the shyly proud smile she wore as she read the tale aloud to me.

She is six years old and barely reading. Yet she just put down on paper a fully realized narrative, with a clear story arc and a structured beginning, middle and end.

She is brilliant. (I realize I am biased. But still. She IS.)

She spells phonetically, so here is a translation for anyone confused by some of her words:

I got a magic wand and I had a terrible day. You will never believe what happened first. I turned my mom into a baby. Then I turned my dad into a mouse. It was terrible. All my mom did was cry and scream. All my dad did was crawl. Then I heard a knock on the door. I came running to open the door. It was a wizard. He said, "Have you seen my magic wand?" I said, "Yes. I have a big problem. I turned my mom into a baby. Then I turned my dad into a mouse. Can you fix this?" He said, "Yes." And then everything was back to normal. I never want a magic wand again.

Currents: Sophie

2014-02-27T21:06:00.001-06:00

Current Books:
She's reading, she's reading! She can officially read now, although she doesn't seem to realize it. If you ask her if she can read, she'll answer No. But she can. She loves reading all the books that are assigned from school. She reads them aloud to us, and then we sign a form and send it back to her teacher. She got a lot of early reader books for Christmas, and she still loves to be read to as well. Currently, we are reading the chapter book Tangled, from the movie.

Current Music:
She just asked yesterday if I could put "Gangnam Style" on my ipod, so she's a little late to that party. She and Emma both love "What Does The Fox Say." Have you heard that song and/or seen the video? Oh my. There must be some sort of subliminal message audible only to kids, because the girls go nuts over it and I just don't get it. Although Glee covered it, so maybe the song's appeal is less about age and more about my (lack of) coolness factor. Other current favorites: "Demons" and "Forget You."

Current TV/Film:
TV shows: Sofia the First. Like, at the top. But also: Peppa Pig, Strawberry Shortcake, Powerpuff Girls. Movies: Frozen, Neverending Story, Little Mermaid 3, Aquamarine, and "The Harry Potter movie where she writes blood on the wall and that guy forgets stuff, except not the part where Ron throws up slugs." She's talking about Chamber of Secrets, and though I love me some Harry Potter, I rue the day she saw the slug bit because since then, she has been deathly afraid of vomiting. It's a full-fledged phobia, so the fact that she listed that as one of her favorite movies is rather ironic.

Current Shame-Inducing Guilty Pleasure:
Same damn thing as last time I wrote a post like this about Sophie...almost two years ago. She picks her nose and then delicately puts her finger in her mouth and eats it. I have tried everything I can think of - short of out-and-out shaming - to get her to stop. I don't want to embarrass her, that doesn't feel right. But we have talked about it and talked about it and talked about it, and I think at this point it's going to take one or several of her peers calling her out about it before the behavior disappears.

Current Other Pleasures:
She loves board games and playing pretend. She's just starting to get into play dates with other friends from school. She really enjoys swim lessons and gymnastics. She loves to snuggle and hug, is very quick to give and receive affection. She adores sneaking downstairs early in the morning on weekends and snatching the ipad, then creeping back upstairs and watching Strawberry Shortcake and My Little Pony to her heart's content while the rest of us sleep in. This morning she woke me at 6:30am because she was too excited about Taco Night to sleep, so apparently pre-planned dinners bring her pleasure as well. Honestly, she's a generally happy kid who gets pleasure out of almost everything around her.

Current Color:
Purple or pink.

Current Fetish:
Sophie lives to change her mind, particularly over food. For years, she ate 2-3 Gogurts a day. She loved them, to the point of obsession. Now, she won't touch them. Why, you might ask? "I just don't like them anymore." We went to Panda Express recently and Sophie ordered her usual, the same meal she's been eating from that restaurant for three years. But this time, she took a bite and declared she hated it. We will make all her favorites for dinner, and sometimes she devours it. Other times, she won't touch the food. She has been known to actually change her mind mid-meal. She'll eat half a hot dog or taco and then label it "disgusting" (one of her favorite words) and ask if she can have a piece of cheese instead. It. Drives. Us. Mad.

Current Outfit:
Right now she is in her princess robe because she just got out of the shower.

Current Drink:
We are back to near-constant orange juice. She used to drink Crystal Lite lemonade, but doesn't like it anymore. (See Current Fetish.) She will drink Capri Sun lemonade and slushies, but will not touch milk for any bribe in the world and will only drink water out of a water fountain. She does, however, love fruit smoothies. Both girls have them every day for breakfast. Sophie's favorite combo is banana, strawberry, blackberry, blueberry, raspberry and mango.

Current Wish List:

To be able to do absolutely everything that Emma gets to do at the exact same time that Emma gets to do it.
To see a shooting star.
To get a puppy.
To go swimming in Florida "in a real pool OUTSIDE where it is warm and not winter."
For her hair to be long, or at least long enough to wear a ponytail. (She wore small ponytails to school recently and it looked so damn cute, and then the kids in her class - "even my friends, Mommy, even my friends!" - made fun of her "short little baby ponytails" and she won't wear them again. Peer pressure rocks, doesn't it?)

Current Triumph:
She recently mastered a "fast cartwheel," which she is excited about. She is highly skilled at tying shoes, takes her own showers, and can make her own toast and waffles in the morning. For a six-year-old, these are big things.

She is also very proud to be writing whole sentences and even whole stories at school. They have the kids write phonetically, so sometimes her writing is a challenge to read. But it's fun to try and figure out the thought processes behind how and why she spells words certain ways. Often times, her version of the word makes much more sense than how it is actually spelled. Plus, Chris and I get a kick out of seeing if we can decode all of her writing. It's like our own little mystery quest or something.

I cannot believe how far she has come in less than a year. Below is just one sample of something she wrote...check it out, Aunt Cara! (Click on the image to make it bigger.)

Translation: One of the best days is when I went to Indiana Beach. It has rides. We went on water rides, roller coasters and a real fast ride. We went into the water and we splashed each other. After, we watched fireworks. I love going to Indiana Beach!

Current Bane Of Her Existence:

Chapped lips.
The unfairness of life. (Her very favorite phrase is, "That's not fair!" Used once a day, easily.)
Anyone throwing up anywhere near her, within hearing or sight, ever. It absolutely terrifies her. If it happens in a movie or show, we must shut it off immediately. I did not realize how much throwing up happens in "family" movies until now. I'm guessing because most kids find gross things funny? I don't know, but it makes my kid borderline catatonic. She starts shaking, turns totally white, and hides her face and covers her ears. A lot of times, she literally goes and hides. It's an intense reaction, although slowly, by small increments, it is getting better.
Her stupid damn skin rashes that she keeps getting.
Her tonsils, which are so swollen that she's had cold-like symptoms for two months.
Everyone always thinking she's a boy because she has short hair. Just a short list of the people we've encountered who have called her "little buddy" or otherwise flat out referred to her with male pronouns: two teachers, the grocery clerk, several kids at school, our UPS guy, and the receptionist at our doctor's office.

Current Celebrity Crush:
Probably The Tooth Fairy and Cee Lo Green

Current Indulgence:
Stealing anything she can from the pantry and eating it on the sly. Oddly, this behavior has never occurred to Emma, but Sophie is all over that sneaky stuff. So far she's stolen candy, Oreos, fruit roll ups and Pringles. She also has a new habit of hiding things she doesn't want to eat in strange places. Ask Chris sometime about the squished-sandwich-under-the-sink episode.

Current Excitement:
She's lost her first two teeth, and another is loose. This causes BIG excitement around here. She's also very excited to be learning new things. She comes home from school every day with new tales to tell. She sings us songs from music, details the fun games she plays in gym, and reviews the stories she is comparing and contrasting in class...always with a huge smile on her face.

She's at 19 marbles in her marble jar, which means just one away from a reward. Hence, all afternoon today, she kept pausing at whatever she was doing and declaring dramatically, "I wish I could get just one more marble." When I reminded her that marbles are earned by good behavior, she responded, "Yeah, I know. But that will take too long."

Current Mood:
On the whole, she is a sweet, slightly reticent, warm, sunny little girl. She can also be stubborn and moody and prone to tears, of course. But she is our little lovebug, throwing out frequent declarations of "I love you" and telling us all the time that we are the best mommy/daddy/sister in the whole wide world. Her smile lights up any room she is in, and she completes our family in ways I could have never ever dreamed.

Currents: Emma

2014-02-24T17:09:00.001-06:00

Current Books:
At school, they are reading Lois Lowry's Number the Stars. At home, Emma is reading the 5th Harry Potter book. She goes through phases with reading...sometimes reading nothing, other times jumping around from book to book to book. She loves to go to the library, plus she has a lot of books at home she has yet to read, so I think she suffers from the same thing I do: A feeling of so many books, so little time. One of her challenges is focusing on just one book at a time; she likes to read two or three simultaneously, which I don't get. But hey, she's reading! All is well. (Yes, that's an intentional HP nod.)

Current Music:
Well, she has her own ipod. (Yes, we caved...although she bought it with her own money and we made her save up for a year and a half.) She has a lot of artists on there, mostly pop music. She's recently downloaded songs from all the judges on The Voice - Adam, Blake (yes, she digs some country!) and Adam...although Cee Lo is her favorite. Around Christmastime, she would happily listen to Cee Lo's version of "The Grinch" on repeat for hours.

Current TV/Film:
She doesn't watch nearly as much TV as she used to. She enjoys watching old episodes of Modern Family, and she's pumped for the new season of The Voice. We are all sad to see Disney's Good Luck, Charlie go. (I admit that I might be the saddest.) She still gets sucked into cartoon shows that her little sis watches, although she denies she likes them.

For movies, both the girls loved The Lego Movie, and especially Frozen. They've seen it twice and know the words to all the songs. She got all eight Harry Potter movies for Christmas and is excited to watch the ones she hasn't seen. (We have a rule: can't watch the movie until you've read the book. THIS SHOULD BE A RULE FOR LIFE. In my opinion.) Other recent family-night movies we've seen that she's really liked: Secondhand Lions, Alaska, The Rookie and School of Rock. Oddly enough, we tried to watch Hugo for family movie night last Friday, and she informed me that she "just isn't really a movie person" and played with her sister for three hours instead. Mixed emotions on that one.

Current Pleasures:
Emma loves learning new skills, and she particularly loves learning them on her own. For months now, her main obsession has been making things out of duct tape. Pocket lockers, wallets, purses, bags, notebooks, folders, etc. She has gotten very good, and she briefly tried to make a business of it. She was all geared up to sell things on her Youtube channel and everything. Her business aspirations ran smack dab into reality when she came home from school with 17 wallet orders and we had to explain about supply and demand. Once she realized she had to buy the materials to make those things for everyone, and that she wouldn't really come out ahead, she changed course. For now, she's focusing on making instructional videos. (I think she's working out a new entrepreneurial approach in her head, though. I sense a round 2 in the works.)

She is now moving on to baking and cooking. For Valentine's Day, she made us all cupcakes. This was a big deal to her. She found the recipe and wrote up an ingredients list, and then Chris helped her shop and supervised her in the kitchen. She was so damn proud of herself, although there were tears when things didn't go her way. All in all, she seemed to enjoy it because this weekend, she wants to make us a surprise dinner.

Most recently, she asked for crocheting supplies. I have no idea where she is getting all this domestic craftiness from, but it is definitely not me.

Current Color:
"Blue, black, and any darkish color...oh, and hot pink."

Current Links:
Youtube and Instagram. She loves to watch how-to videos about crafting and baking on Youtube, and there is one site in particular where she gets all her duct tape ideas. And she loves posting Instagram pictures and videos for her friends. Of course, her account is private, and followers must be approved before accepted. Frankly, Chris and I are still finding our sea legs on how to monitor her Internet usage. I am nostalgic for when I was a kid and no one had to worry about this stuff. The vastness of the Internet is still hard for me to wrap my brain around, which makes it all the more challenging when tasked with explaining the potentially harmful aspects of the Internet to a nine-year-old.

Her Instagram profile photo is the one below, with the accompanying caption: "Me and my sister!" Seeing that made me happy. The first comment on the pic below was a "friend" of hers from school who wrote, "THAT'S A GIRL???" (For everyone who wonders why Sophie wants to grow her hair out...Exhibit A.) Emma wrote back: "Excuse me, but don't talk that way about my sister." That made me very happy, indeed.

Current Fetish:
She continues to have weird quirks where clothes are concerned, especially pants. They can't be denim, must be a soft knit of some kind, preferably leggings, no odd stitching in the legs or crotch, tight against her skin, tight against her ankles, not too long, ABSOLUTELY NO TAGS. She has also developed some annoying habits that she's trying to break. It used to be chewing on the skin of her fingers. The behavior became so frequent that all her fingers were red and puffy; they looked disfigured. It's gotten better, but I'm actually concerned she may have done some lasting damage. Now, she licks her hands. She looks like a reptile when she does it; the visual is very odd. When questioned, her answer is that she licks them because the skin is dry and chapped. (Oh, this winter...don't. get. me. started.) And she is absolutely convinced that lotion makes it worse. So the new rule is, if I catch her doing it twice in a row, she must use lotion. Yes, lotion is now a threat and punishment in my house.

Current Outfit:
Multi-striped leggings, oversize t-shirt with peace signs, giraffe socks, cheetah-print sneakers.

Current Drink:
Grape juice at school. Soda whenever we are weak and say yes (which isn't often). Water (yay!). Green tea still, sometimes. Kiddie cocktails at restaurants. A fruit smoothie almost every day.

Current Wish List:

Crocheting supplies
A refrigerator in her room. (See addendum at bottom of this post.)
Sleepovers with her friends every single weekend.
Learning karate, ice skating, cooking, basketball, baseball and ballet, while continuing to do swimming, gymnastics, girl scouts, and SWAT (after-school tech group). Honestly, if we were independently wealthy she would do it all and somehow clone herself to make it happen.
The ability to make her sister apparate and disapparate at will.
Unlimited ipod time, no restrictions.
No bed time.
10:00am start time for school.
Her own phone.

Current Triumph:
She just taught herself all of "Ode to Joy" on the recorder and was pretty proud to play it for us and friends last weekend. She takes great pride in each new craft she creates. She is trying hard to master a flip flop in gymnastics; she can do it with her teacher spotting her, but not yet on her own. She has gotten all A's in school this year.

She just came home from school today all excited because her band Music 5 (Em and four friends...hence the name) performed Bruno Mars' song "Grenade" in gym class for all the fourth graders. She was glowing when she told me. She said she felt "throwing-up-nervous" beforehand, but it went really well and everyone clapped and her gym teachers said that Music 5 can take the stage anytime. I really wish I could have seen that.

Current Bane Of Her Existence:
The ISATs at school. They start next week, and she has a lot of anxiety over them. Also...me, honestly. I think I'm a bane of her existence. We butt heads a lot, and she does not like being told what to do. Cleaning her room, taking a shower, conditioning and brushing her hair, cutting her nails, doing her chores, not being late to school...all these reminders are on a constant loop coming out of my mouth, and she is not very appreciative of my input. :) We have been talking quite a lot about Responsibility in our house lately. So probably, more than anything, the concept of Responsibility bugs the shit out of Emma right now.

Current Celebrity Crush:
She loves this girl Allison who is in all her duct tape Youtube videos. I don't think she's a celebrity to many people, but she sure is to Emma. Yesterday, Emma told me that her friend J is going to take her to New York for her birthday because Allison will be at a craft show there and they want to meet her. When I asked who was paying for this trip, Emma replied, "Well, J's Mom, of course. It's my birthday present." Last year, J got Emma an outfit from Justice. That's quite an upgrade. When I pointed out the discrepancy, Emma retorted, "Yes, but my next birthday is double-digits, so I'll be getting extra special presents." I better start saving right away, I guess. Hell, it seems I should have started saving two years ago.

Current Indulgence:
I hate to sound repetitive but really, it's duct tape. Those suckers cost $4.99 a roll! Major indulgence indeed.

Current Excitement:
Emma is always excited about everything. Here are just a few things that are generating excitement at the moment:

Her marble reward. (Every twenty marbles she earns, she gets a reward. This time she got a sleepover with Mommy and Daddy. I thought her head was gonna explode. Sophie, on the other hand, burst into tears. Ah, sibling jealousy.)
Her friend's book club that starts this Thursday. (Super cute - her girlfriend sent an invite and everything. Fourth graders starting their own book club? I love it.)
To see her Grandma and her cousins this weekend.
To share all her newest creations with us.
To visit her Grandpa and Grandma Kitty in Florida next month.
For her whole class to take a field trip to Mommy's work and see our new show.
Auditioning for the solo in her Spring chorus program.
Her birthday. In June. She usually starts talking about it right after Christmas, so we are already two months into discussions.

Current Mood:
Changes daily. Euphoric, generous, defiant, caring, sweet, hostile, sunny, enthusiastic, engaged. Overall...delightful. Even during the dark periods. Emma is coming into her own, and it is truly awesome to watch.

Addendum (conversation from a couple of weeks ago):

Emma: "Sometimes at night when I am lying in bed, my stomach feels so empty and I know that it is sad, and I want to cry. I hate sadness, it just breaks my heart. Don't you agree?"
Me: "Well, of course. I'm not particularly fond of sadness."
Emma: "Yes! You know what I mean. So...that's why I think we should put a refrigerator in my room."