The Real Men blog and Documentary

Goodbye to anger.

2015-07-26T18:10:00.001-05:00

Is it our culture, the media or religious conflict that make us angry men? Action movies, thrillers, TV miniseries, TV news shows all display and provoke anger. Anger and fear are the proven tools for boosting TV viewer ratings. Our heroes may or may not display moral courage, but they almost always engage in righteous indignation and violence. We forget that anger can sometimes be expressed with cold words. We reserve the adjective “cold-blooded” for our villains. Hot temper, loud words and violent actions are full of drama. They are “heroic.” And...we seem to love it. For some men, it has come to define masculinity. It wasn’t always so, and we do not need to perpetuate it. It is the preferred tool of adolescents, the poor and the disenfranchised. In other words, the powerless. If they have no voice, they sometimes think shouting louder will get them heard. They are wrong. They will just succeed in annoying the rest of us like the cranky child throwing a temper tantrum in a shopping mall. Many years ago, I taught in a junior high school in a rough section of Brooklyn. I forget the euphemism they used to describe the neighborhood, but I remember we were paid on a higher scale (combat pay?), and I was obliged on several occasions to break up fights physically. In one of my classes, there was a rather large, formidable-looking boy named Willie who was especially sensitive on the subject of his mother. Once the class found this out, they amused themselves by calling out, “Hey, Willie...yo’ mama!” He would always jump out of his seat and look angrily around the room to find out who had called out (presumably with the intent to teach a very pointed physical lesson to the offender). Willie wasn’t very bright or very observant, so all his rage was ineffective. He was like a monkey on a leash, dancing for the amusement of his classmates. I, on the other hand, was quite observant and soon identified the offenders, putting a stop to this in the interest of classroom discipline. It wasn’t until years later that I fully understood the cruelty of Willie’s tormentors, but I did note the uselessness of anger in the face of amused detachment. Just so much sound and fury. "No one can make you angry." Many years later, I found myself court-ordered to 20-sessions of drug and alcohol diversion, in plain language—group therapy. The counselor who ran the program told us, “No one can make you angry.” Since a lot of my behavior depended on my anger, I decided to prove her wrong. I discovered that this lady was particularly sensitive on the subject of her 19-year-old daughter. Like the students in my junior high school class, I worked this sensitivity, telling her that 19 was my favorite age when looking for girls to seduce. I succeeded in pissing her off, but her words got to me, and when the sessions were over I went to her office and apologized. Her point was that anger did not have to be a knee-jerk reaction, that there was an instant before the anger exploded when we had the option of choosing a different reaction. It was the knee-jerk, automatic quality of that reaction that made me the easily manipulated tool of others, just like Willie in that junior high school class. People might do things to me that I didn’t like, but I didn’t need to rage. Viktor Frankl, in his book Man’s Search for Meaning, writing about his experiences in a Nazi concentration camp, asks “Does man have no choice of action in the face of such circumstances?” His answer: “Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of human freedoms -- to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way." (Tweet this) We have free will and, therefore, are accountable for the choices we make. The real meaning of "Losing one's temper" For a hog-riding biker, bar-hopping with my buddies looking for women and trouble, my anger was very useful. The thing about anger is that it is easier to lose one’s temper than to learn social skills, easier to intimidate people than face one’s own feelings of awkwardness, guilt or inadequacy. Besides, it gets the attention of the women. In the meanwhile, it was ruining my life. In the course of time, my hair-trigger temper drove my friends away and, in the words of Bob Dylan, “there wasn’t even anyone there to bluff.” “Temper,” when applied to steel, is its hardness and toughness. It’s what enables a knife to maintain a razor-sharp edge. Losing one’s temper is, in effect, losing one’s keenness and focus. This is one reason why a raging bull can usually be defeated in a battle of wits. (Or, is that the point at which you start beating on the other guy, you crazy bull, you?) Ironically, we admire the man who remains cool and focused in stressful and hazardous situations. Such a man develops gravitas (seriousness and moral weight), which pervades his every action and stance. And, such a man, almost inconspicuously, inspires respect. You don’t have to scream and threaten to get people to listen to you. Quite the opposite. Rage is worse than a bad habit, it is a cup of poison. Anger, and particularly rage, is so common a part of the addictive personality that it merits mention in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. “Anger and resentment are the dubious luxuries of the normal drinker.” Notice that it is a “dubious luxury” for the normies. It’s potentially harmful to them as well (like a steady diet of rich foods). But, for an alcoholic (or any other kind of addict), it is a sure path to relapse. So, how does one change what amounts to a very bad habit? You didn’t get there in one step. Backing off from it is a process. It starts with a willingness to change. 1. What is the common element? One day, early in my recovery, I commented to a friend that I was having a difficult day. No matter where I went or whom I encountered, I seemed to be running into so many assholes. My friend pointed out that the only common element in all these encounters was me! He suggested that I take these encounters, one at a time, and ask myself what my part in the conflict had been. What did I say or do that provoked the other person? What was my expectation? Did I project an antagonistic or demanding attitude? What could I have done differently? It surely got me thinking. It was my first tool for dealing with anger, I acquired in the program of recovery. 2. The person opposite you is sick. If a child is crying because it is sick or in pain, you may find the crying gets on your nerves, but you do not beat the child. The expression that you hear in the meeting rooms is “We are all sick. Some are just sicker than others.” Notice that this expression puts you in the category of “less sick” because you are controlling yourself and not letting the other guy provoke you. You are more in control. Even the medical profession acknowledges that addiction is a disease. 3. Writing about it. Early in my recovery, I moved in with another guy working the program. We both were working on sobriety, we both liked girls and we both liked movies. What more was there? What could possibly go wrong? I won’t go into irrelevant details. Suffice to say I was a street hustler and he was a redneck. One day after a shouting match, he left me a note on the refrigerator, describing all my flaws as he saw them and letting me know he was heading up north to visit his dad. Here I was, boiling mad, and he wasn’t even around to bear the brunt of my anger. I knew the anger was bad for my program and, after all, we had to live under the same roof, so I composed a “conciliatory” letter, except I was still angry, so in the final paragraph I put a “hook,” a remark that started with “So, if you weren’t such an asshole, we wouldn’t be having this argument.” The next day I looked at the letter and knew this wouldn’t do. I wrote another letter, more conciliatory, but still ending in a hook, though a less inflammatory one. In the next four days I wrote four more letters, each more conciliatory. By the time he got back to our house, the letter was genuinely and completely conciliatory, the heat of the argument had cooled and my roommate’s demeanor was obviously also conciliatory. That was all I needed. I never gave him the final letter (or any of the others) as it didn’t seem necessary. Compatibility was still an issue, and four months later he moved out. It was two years after that before we felt completely comfortable with each other when we would meet at an AA meeting. 4. Ignoring the offense isn't (always) best. One of my hare-brained strategies in dealing with people who provoked me before I worked the AA program was to pretend to ignore the annoyance. Maybe they called me by a nickname I didn’t like, maybe they nagged me to do something they thought I should do, maybe they asked me questions that pertained to personal matters and that were none of their business. I was “too cool” to let these things bother me, so I said nothing...until these behaviors became intolerable. Then, I would tell them off, call them names, use profanity and, if I was angry enough, smack them up the side of their head. 5. Setting boundaries helps. It was my last wife who helped me see the light. She explained that I have a right to set boundaries, to let people with whom I associated know that certain actions and words were not alright. If they were friends, or at least respected me and valued my company, they would honor those boundaries. Boundaries were not rules of behavior in general. They were only rules about how they treated me. Most of my friends and acquaintances honored those boundaries. I learned to avoid those who didn’t. I didn’t deliberately provoke them. What was the point? I wasn’t going to be able to change them. But, I made no effort to be friendly with them beyond mere civility. To let them provoke me would have given them control of the situation and put me in the role of Willie. I don’t let jerks provoke me. I won’t dance to their tune. I walk away and leave them standing there. I’ve got nothing to prove. 6. The illusion of control. One last cause of anger is our trying to make things happen that we have no control over, things that rely on circumstances and the cooperation of others, neither of which we can control. This is mostly a young man’s game. As we mature, we discover the futility of that course of action. The only person that I can have complete control over is myself. I can change myself, I can change what I want, and I can change the way I look at the situation. Coercion, intimidation and money can get others to do what you want, but the results are limited. Once the money or intimidation stop, so does the compliance. Sometimes, people want the same things we do. That’s called cooperation or teamwork. But those conditions only apply in specific situations. This is one reason why male organizations are so hierarchical. Think about corporations, armed forces, political agencies and organizations, religious hierarchies, teams and crews. Someone has to decide on the policy. Someone has to supervise and coordinate the effort. And, someone has to do the heavy lifting. When dealing with relations that are not so formal, I can hope for the cooperation of others, but I cannot expect it. And, if I get angry because people have chosen not to cooperate, I am the fool. Anger is not necessarily bad If you have read this far, you may have concluded, incorrectly, that anger is bad. Perhaps you have heard the adage, “I don’t get angry; I get even.” Or, as Archie Bunker said, “What’s the matter with revenge; it’s a great way of getting even.” Some of us justify this attitude by arguing that if we allow injuries or insults to go unpunished, we invite more of the same. The problem is getting even without suffering punishment. You usually can’t respond directly by hauling off and smacking the offender in the face. He may be bigger and stronger or a more skilled fighter. If you do this in front of witnesses, you are likely to face assault and battery charges. If you move in more law-abiding circles, you can sabotage his plans or damage his property. Of course, the revenge is meaningless unless the offender knows that the act of vengeance came from you. Plus, getting even is no guarantee that there will be no repetition of the offense. In the meanwhile, you have been obsessing about the injury, running it round and round in your mind. (How could he have said this to me? Does he know who I am? And, what about all those people who watched him do it?) This is bad for your physical and mental health and, at least until you take your vengeful action, does not hurt the offending party. In fact, he’s not even aware of the angst you are going through. You are “renting out space” in your brain to the person who injured you. Often, fantasies of crushing vengeance end with no action being taken. And, simply stuffing it (holding on to the anger but doing nothing about it) is also ineffective and damaging to your health. I can tell you, it is a primary cause of chronic depression. What’s bad is not the anger but the heat. What you need to do is make a “tactical withdrawal” without showing fear. You need to give yourself time to engage your reasoning brain and think about it, not merely run the emotional pain of the encounter round and round your head. I’ve already discussed some of the things you need to think about, but you have to distract yourself first. See a movie, listen to music, read a book, work on some project, reconcile your checking account. When the heat subsides somewhat (this may take an hour, a day or even a couple of days), consider: What did you do to precipitate the conflict? Was the offensive action by the other guy conscious, intentional and unprovoked? Be rigorously honest with yourself. What is the other person’s reputation among the people you both know? If he is a known ass-hole, people will probably recognize that the conflict was his doing and may even admire your restraint in not rising to the bait. If your anger is merely a disguise for fear—fear of losing something that is yours—possessions, position, respect, friendship or affection—examine this fear. Is it reasonable? If you have been embarrassed or your feelings have been hurt, there might be some point in making this clear to the other person. Sometimes, others are ignorant of things that seem obvious to us. Sometimes, the offense was unintentional, the result of ignorance. Expressing anger does not have to be done abusively. In fact, you have a better chance of being heard and understood if you express it respectfully and honestly. If the other person has a reason for getting along with you (friendship, working together, sharing a home etc.), he or she is more likely to respond cooperatively when the heat has subsided and the two of you are engaging in a calm discussion aimed at avoiding a recurrence of the conflict. On the other hand, if this person has some personal dislike for you or has decided that you are an enemy, your best bet—for your own serenity—is to avoid or minimize contact with him or her. There are crises and conflicts enough in daily life, so you do not need to seek them out. Anger & Women One last word about anger, specifically in relation to women. We can sometimes seduce women (if you are into that kind of thing), but we can’t make them love us. You can buy all the candy and flowers in the world, take them to fancy restaurants and nightclubs, take them to concerts and plays. The only woman you can buy is a prostitute, no matter what she calls herself. And, for you to rage because she does not reciprocate your yearnings is foolish and futile. Will she love you more after you’re through haranguing her? Women have free will as well as men. The only love worth having is the love that is freely given. And, the things you give her or do for her should be freely given, as well and done without expectation of return. In other words, if you are doing something for her just to get into her pants, don’t do it. (Her pants probably won’t fit on you, anyway.) Things have changed radically in the past 50 years. Some men still try to insist on male prerogatives that only existed when the division of labor in a typical family was men as the breadwinners and women as the homemakers and child-nurturers. That no longer prevails. Those are the facts of life. The modern pattern is more of a partnership. If you live with a woman that you feel you have a right to control, it might make for a more amiable relationship if you experimented with the other, cooperative partnership pattern. Even in the day when men were head of household, the happiest marriages were those in which the preferences and desires of the woman were respected. If some idiot asks you who wears the pants in your family, answer him truthfully, “Both of us do!”

If. Rudyard Kiping.

2015-04-22T15:11:00.008-05:00

I think I need to make a short film using this...

If—

By Rudyard Kipling

If you can keep your head when all about you

Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,

If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,

But make allowance for their doubting too;

If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,

Or being lied about, don’t deal in lies,

Or being hated, don’t give way to hating,

And yet don’t look too good, nor talk too wise:

If you can dream—and not make dreams your master;

If you can think—and not make thoughts your aim;

If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster

And treat those two impostors just the same;

If you can bear to hear the truth you’ve spoken

Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,

Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,

And stoop and build ’em up with worn-out tools:

If you can make one heap of all your winnings

And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,

And lose, and start again at your beginnings

And never breathe a word about your loss;

If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew

To serve your turn long after they are gone,

And so hold on when there is nothing in you

Except the Will which says to them: ‘Hold on!’

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,

Or walk with Kings—nor lose the common touch,

If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,

If all men count with you, but none too much;

If you can fill the unforgiving minute

With sixty seconds’ worth of distance run,

Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it,

And—which is more—you’ll be a Man, my son!

All swagger

2015-04-21T11:09:00.003-05:00

All Swagger website

My father died...am I a real man now?

2015-03-29T09:16:00.001-05:00

My father died the other day.

His funeral is on this coming Wednesday, in Norwich, England. He will be cremated.

One thing I've read a few times is that a man isn't finally a true man until his father is dead. So if that's true, I have been a real man for the last six days.

My cat is also dying. In fact, he was due for euthanasia last Monday, but I got the news about my father a couple of hours before the vet was due to come to the house.

But it could be any day now, since he hasn't eaten for a couple of days and it appears he isn't drinking any water, either.

So my father's death comes at the same time of my only son's does: Eric being the only son I've had and almost certainly the only cat I've ever really been close to. Perhaps nobody else has ever been as close to me as my cat.

My father and I fell out when I was in my early teens. He'd always been something of a tyrant and a titan, with his tempers and foul moods, cruelty and lack of presence. When he was there, he wasn't really there. That much I could easily see. The man would come home from work and sit with his jacket and tie on much of the time.

I recognized, too, the lies he used so much of the time. I learned early on that liars tend to have a certain contempt for those they lie to, because they have the responsibility of holding up the lie. The relationship can never be authentic, and so they can never benefit from it. So is it any wonder they're irritable around such people?

I recognized it in myself just as I recognize it in others. We all have contempt for those we lie to. We can never be close to those we lie to.

And so I am now a man.

And yet oddly I still feel like a little boy, and can't really imagine the feeling going away soon.

I've been looking for some poetry for my friend Mel to read at my father's funeral, as I won't be able to make it back to the UK for the trip. I considered Philip Larkin:

This Be The Verse

By Philip Larkin

They fuck you up, your mum and dad.

They may not mean to, but they do.

They fill you with the faults they had

And add some extra, just for you.

But they were fucked up in their turn

By fools in old-style hats and coats,

Who half the time were soppy-stern

And half at one another’s throats.

Man hands on misery to man.

It deepens like a coastal shelf.

Get out as early as you can,

And don’t have any kids yourself.

But think I might finally plump for William Blake:

The Smile

By William Blake

There is a Smile of Love

And there is a Smile of Deceit

And there is a Smile of Smiles

In which these two Smiles meet

And there is a Frown of Hate

And there is a Frown of disdain

And there is a Frown of Frowns

Which you strive to forget in vain

For it sticks in the Hearts deep Core

And it sticks in the deep Back bone

And no Smile that ever was smild

But only one Smile alone

That betwixt the Cradle & Grave

It only once Smild can be

But when it once is Smild

Theres an end to all Misery

My father's was the frown of frowns.

And so what do I have my father to thank me for? Well, he'd often tell me that "One of these days you'll thank me", and I can't for the life of me remember what it was for. But I know it was something that felt like cruelty at the time.

In fact, my very first memory of my father is, I swear, him sitting me on his lap and saying "Get them before they get you".

It was like he was instilling in me his own paranoia, his own beliefs about the dangers of the world and all people. I was only a baby, but I can remember being terrified of the life I'd come into, and the people I was going to be having to deal with during my existence.

And I can remember those words, "Stop crying or I'll give you something to cry about".

Thing is, I cried not just for myself, but for him. For I saw a man unable to grieve. He couldn't grieve his own brother's death, and it seemed he couldn't grieve his own. So I spent so many years of my younger life grieving on his behalf.

I loved my father so much when I was a kid. It was hard, so very hard, because he could be so cruel, so harsh, so distant. I often thought he was being so hard on me as an attempt to break my spirit, or "turn me into a man", or harden me up in some way. It seemed he wanted to knock all naivete out of me, perhaps before I became a victim of it, or something.

That was really all I could imagine he was doing, if he actually loved me. Because it sure as Hell didn't feel much like love.

And then, after an argument about his home made wine that I'd drunk, I called him a bastard. And then he didn't speak to me for three months. Not a word, for three months, even though I was living in the same house as he.

And the reason I called him a bastard? Because of the way he was treating my mother, and the lies and deceit I could see.

Many mornings, just around breakfast time, the phone would ring and he'd rush to answer it. There would be a few moments he'd be listening, then he'd put it down and say it was a wrong number. But it was his secret assignation with his girlfriend, this I knew. I recognized my father well enough to know when he was lying. I knew him far better than he knew me, that's for sure.

And around that time he made the announcement that "one day I'll walk out of here and never come back".

And that, I think, was the moment he truly broke my heart.

To this day I remember the feeling inside me of dread. The mix of fear and hatred and love from the threat of abandonment.

And so began years of mental illness, My panic attacks, depressions, bad relationships, see-sawing mood swings, loss of motivation, and endless repetitions of self destructive hahaviors.

And the coup de grace? Him leaving me to mop up the mess that my mother had become.

And that, I think, was perhaps the worst thing he could have done.

And so I did end up hating my father, and for the last several years I've wished him dead. Many, many times, I've called out for him to die, so I could experience the relief of him being gone before I went. It was as though by his mere existence he had some kind of hold over me due to my hatred of him.

And now, he's gone.

I don't miss him, to be honest. I have some fond memories of him from when I was a very small child, with him playing games with cigarette papers on his fingers. I have memories of him rocking me in my pram and singing to me.

But after the fear had been instilled into me, not much at all.

The tears I shed now are for my lost child, who was so desperately lonely, and learned only to fear others in life.

And so no, Dad, I don't thank you.

But I am, I suppose, a real man at last.

"What makes a real man?" Daily Telegraph article.

2015-02-12T18:18:00.002-06:00

Another article about real men, this time in The Daily Telegraph

Are-you-a-real-man-The-top-50-things-every-chap-should-know

Stephen's Story

2014-04-23T08:52:00.000-05:00

Well, I read about a young man who has been dying of cancer, and who set up a fund to help people. Here's his blog: STEPHEN'S STORY I think if anyone deserves to be called a "Real Man", it's him, eh? An inspiration to me, and someone who's made me look at myself in the mirror this morning. And make me feel ashamed enough to make some changes in my life.

So where from here?

2014-04-23T08:26:00.001-05:00

Well, I have twenty minutes each day to write something. That's been my habit for some time. It's based on an exercise for The Artist's Way, a book I read years ago that got me motivated to do more, and be more creative. As long as I'm writing something every day, then the energy keeps moving, and I'm progressing towards something real and worthwhile. That's the idea. So I have a few things to do. I decided to make a movie a few years back, and it would happen before the end of the decade. More than three years have gone past that deadline. I think I'd initially started back in May 2007, so that means I've had nearly seven years to do it, and have failed. In fact, I've failed miserably. If a person can't get it together to make even a low budget film in seven years, that's pretty poor. I have, on the other hand, shot a lot of video, won best supporting actor in a film, been in a Hollywood film playing the kind of part I want to play, and have written, shot, edited and produced - and been paid for - an ad for a product called the Vingarde Valise. I did that. It was my idea, and my shooting, my writing, even my acting. So I know how to produce something. This is a fact. I haven't, as it were, sat on my arse doing nothing at all. So I can at least ring my bell for having done that. What I find difficult, I suppose, is the art of pulling people together to shoot an actual dramatic or comedy piece, which involves actors and crew and the rest of it. That's film production, and I guess my desire to be everything falls short here, because it's impossible to shoot an entire production all by yourself. Not when there's more than one actor, significant lighting, and the need for more hands on board. I've shot a little thing in Puerto Rico which I did pretty much all by myself, except I did end up needing someone else - my wife, Kelly - to help me with it. But shooting a proper film, with a cast of ten and fifty or 100 extras is an entirely different matter. And it's not really my thing. And the other thing, of course, is that I'm living in a little town - Santa Fe - which just doesn't have many people. I need to be in Los Angeles. I need to be in Hollywood, and that's all there is to it. Even though I'm 57, I need to be in Hollywood. Ideally, I'd be 25 and going there, but I'm not. I have to make do with what I've got, though, and I need to make do with how old I am. My age has been my excuse for not doing things ever since I was a teenager. Even when I was 18 I though I was too old, and should have started at 15, like everyone else. So let's get down to the nitty gritty, and see what I can achieve, and how I'll do it, and what, specifically, I want to actually do. I know I want to make a film, and I know I want to write one. I know I want to act in one. Do I necessarily need to combine them all? I mean, can't I just act in films, write films, and perhaps produce films later down the line? I'm thinking one of the most important things I need to do, however, is to get myself more of a network - of actors, people with abilities, people with money, people with ideas. That's perhaps the most important thing I can do. I can't do it all on my own, even though I've proved there are some things I can do on my own. So I have to be in Los Angeles, and I have to make connections. I have to build up a bigger network of people, and make it all happen. And I have to be focused. I have to be focused, and that means using my brain, and connecting with The Creative Spark Thingey, and sticking at it. Lots of connecting with people, lots of solitude, lots of work, lots of play. And that really is the thing to do. And in the mean time, working on my film company, making my little films, shooting my videos - even wedding videos - stealing ideas, making things happen. And having passion about what I do. That's the way to make all this stuff happen. One of the things I've always done, I think, (or rather failed to do) is pace myself, and bite off the right amounts as I progress. I've tended to want to walk before I can run, have big ideas, fail, and then give up. All instead of just plod along relentlessly, making sure I'm chipping away at the project every day. So hopefully this is something I now realise I can change, and even if I'm not going to Los Angeles right this minute, I can at least be doing things here in Santa Fe, such as write screenplays and make plans. So the overall project - make a movie - is far from over. It's back on course. I now have my green card, I have a better camera, I have nice editing computer and equipment and experience. So I can just get on with things again, but with renewed vigor and determination. I also have some distractions in the way of art that I'll be doing every day, to help engage my creativity. I'll be making a new blog which will deal with that. My daily scribblings will appear there, along with sculptures and so on. My creativity is back, and that's the way it is. The other really important thing to remember is that the title of this blog is "Jack's making a BAD movie". And the reason for that is that I don't give myself a hard time about its quality. The thing is to get it done, not to make it perfect. As always, my problem has been self consciousness, and the need to be perfect in the eyes of others, rather than allowing myself to look like a fool and an amateur as I progress. It's better to make a bad movie than no movie, after all. That means one has broken the eggs and tried to make an omelet. After all, nobody even learned to be good at anything without making mistakes. So as long as I remember to let myself look naive, and to make gross errors, and say things here which make professionals cringe, then I just might stand the chance of succeeding. But I have to let myself fail, and that will mean I get egg on my face from time to time. It will mean making efforts, an STILL failing. It can mean having my favorite baby, and having to throw it out. It might mean having to face all kinds of shit as I progress, and still look like an amateur after all my work. It might mean making a film and have someone a third of my age make something much better. It might mean seeing a twelve year old be more successful than me. This, I will have to deal with, because I'm doing this for my OWN inner twelve year old. And that really is the truth. I have stifled my own creativity for much of my life, and I want to get over that. Even though I'm in my late fifties now, there is still a creative child inside me, and I want him to have free reign, engage with me, and work with me. So it might mean my making some films which are very silly, and seemingly childish, if I'm to move beyond my creative blocks and making films I think are really good. It means breaking through the self conciousness, and the way to do that is to go through the embarrassment and shame.

Real Men Pray?

2012-07-22T20:09:00.005-05:00

General Patton's speech to his troops before D Day

2012-06-23T18:52:00.001-05:00

http://www.laughtergenealogy.com/bin/header/patton.html

Love, sex, and the male brain.

2012-05-23T13:29:00.003-05:00

Love, sex, and the male brain.

How porn and Disney have messed us all up

2012-05-17T13:40:00.003-05:00

http://elitedaily.com/elite/2012/indeilible-impact-disney/

The Top 10 issues of men's rights.

2012-05-17T10:25:00.000-05:00

The top 10 issues of men's rights

The good men project

2012-05-17T00:03:00.000-05:00

http://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/why-women-arent-crazy/comment-page-11/#comment-164204

Anis Mojgani - For Those Who Can Still Ride In Airplanes - Poems / Poetry

2011-07-15T12:26:00.000-05:00

Uncle Bob is Dressing Like a Lady (Documentary)

2010-08-22T11:14:00.000-05:00

A short documentary I edited about an 85 year old gentleman who finally revealed his lifelong secret.

Uncle Bob is dressing like a lady.
Uploaded by synchronicity. - Explore more family videos.

The art of manliness

2010-06-14T00:27:00.003-05:00

http://artofmanliness.com/2010/05/26/vintage-mens-adventure-magazines/

Article in The Oxford Mail

2009-10-31T17:32:00.002-05:00

http://www.oxfordmail.co.uk/news/opinion/columns/4708409.Sassy_and_Single__Where_did_all_the_real_men_go_/

The Masculinity Project

2009-06-02T11:19:00.001-05:00

The Masculinity Project looks at the American Black Male Character.

It's worth checking this site out.

75 skills a real man should master

2009-01-10T20:04:00.001-06:00

The 75 skills a real man should master, according to some...

How real men (and probably most men) would like their women to be...

2009-01-06T19:02:00.001-06:00

The Perfect Woman for the Real Man

What cars do Real Men drive?

2009-01-06T13:36:00.002-06:00

Well, I'm poised at the moment to buy a new car, and I want a sports car. Something that's fun to drive, isn't too expensive, and is reliable. And a convertible. I've been driving a Chrysler LeBaron for a while, and I was seriously thinking about a Ford Mustang.

Then someone showed me a picture of a Miata for sale. And my first thought was "girl's car" or "Gay car". But then I looked at the reviews. It's won the "best car" top spot for ten years running, and is considered to be the best selling sports car, ever!

Miatas sell like hotcakes, and they keep their price, because they're damned good cars and people love them.

I mentioned to a friend I was thinking of getting one. "Chick's car", he said. But why is it? Why should anyone think that? Because women have the brains to know a good car when they see one? Is it some propaganda put out by Ford or the muscle car people (or the oil companies) that we should buy gas guzzling monsters?

I know a woman of 40 who just bought a new Mustang GT. Five liter, V8 with incredible torque, black, burns rubber like you wouldn't believe. So is she a lesbian, or weird, for having bought such a "guy's" car? Is she more of a guy than any guy with anything less than that car?

Of course not. The car you drive doesn't define you. And the way I look at it, if you have such an issue with image that you really need to show that you're a man by the car you drive, you very likely are the one with the issues about your gender or sexuality.

So I'm almost certainly going to buy the Miata.

And yes, I'm likely to get some flak from people who have bought into the image thing. I think what I'll do is get some shots of gay men and straight women driving Mustangs and trucks. In fact, I know a gay man who drives a Mustang as it is.

Imagine: not having a car that you'd really enjoy just because what other people thought. Other people who have bought into the marketing nonsense that you didn't...

The "Real Fight Club" (No rules fighting)

2008-11-19T12:00:00.003-06:00

There's something to be said about fighting. It's barbaric, yes, but we are animals and animals fight. All animals fight - even deers fight, and we have the idea that deer are gentle animals that run away when startled. Truth is, two deer will fight really hard over a mate or territory.

Isn't that just what men do, too?

There is something glorious to be said about sticking so to your integrity that you'll fight tooth and nail for it. Even if we don't fight physically, to put everything we have into fighting for something we think is right is important for our sense of self. When we fight to defend our beliefs, loved ones or freedom, we do something important for ourselves.

Tied up with fighting is respect and self respect, even if it does mean a bloodied nose or broken bones - or loss of pride or material goods or wealth.

We become bitter and hateful not when we lose, but when we fail to fight for something, I think. True hatred comes from cowardice, not from courage.

So in some way I'm drawn to the idea of fight club, or fighting - even though I've generally been a fairly passive and peaceful individual.

But the rare times I've fought, or been prepared to fight, I've found a sense of self worth and strength, and a sense of power and self esteem that I think are invaluable.

The-penis.com: All about the penis, testicles, prostate, male sexuality and male sexual health

2008-11-07T16:54:00.000-06:00

The-penis.com: All about the penis, testicles, prostate, male sexuality and male sexual health

Head Heart and Balls - On being a man

2008-11-07T16:51:00.000-06:00

Head Heart and Balls - On being a man

What men are really thinking

2008-07-11T15:48:00.001-05:00

What REAL men are really thinking?