The Real Secret Diary of Bill Gates

This Blog Is Pretty Cool

2013-07-11T17:33:00.001-07:00

www.slowlyfantastic.com

Time

2008-05-14T10:17:00.000-07:00

Aight peeps, the time has come, I need a leave of absence from my blog. Since this blog (simple as it may be) actually takes a good amount of time and attention, I've let Microsoft slide downhill. Yes, Steve Ballmer has actually been running it which has been a disaster. Live well, be well.

Yahoo! It's over right?

2008-05-06T11:45:00.000-07:00

I may point out Ballmer's shortcomings bluntly and often, but ultimately the guy's in charge for a reason. We have a plan and will execute that plan. Isn't it funny how FSJ and everyone else keeps going back an forth on what they think is going on? Come on people we're Microsoft, we run shit here.

Tonight

2008-05-02T22:33:00.000-07:00

Warning: This one's not for the kiddies.

It's a cool rainy night tonight in Tokyo. Yes Tokyo. When you're a rich son of a bitch like me you can fly here just for the night. Melinda and I went out for dinner, a few drinks and a dance or two. The night was young, the mood was good. As we're walking down the busy street some hoodlum grabs Melinda pulls her into an alley and starts shouting at me in Chinese. I'm like "Dude, do you think I know what the fuck you're saying?" He takes me off guard by responding English "Well you'd better learn fast bitch!"

WTF??? That voice sounds familiar! I'm all "Jerry you piece of shit is that you?" He replies in a terribly faked accent "You don't know who I am, but we know you. Leave Yahoo! alone if you ever want to see your wife again."

I'll go ahead and take a minute to explain just how uncool this is. In Silicon Valley, a lot of crazy shit goes down every day, we call that business. However, there's a very simple code which is respected by everyone. Rule 1. Make a shitload of cash. Rule 2. Never involve your family or the family of others in business matters or problems. Ever!

Rule number two is pretty much what separates us from the mafia. Can you believe that out of line Chinese fuck?!

Anyway, just to keep him distracted, "Jerry baby, you're totally right. We need to leave Yahoo! the fuck alone. You'll hear a statement tomorrow from Ballmer apologizing for the whole thing."

Even in the dark, you could easily make out a big smile on Jerry's ugly face. He says "That's good real good, now say I'm you're daddy..." The tranquilizer dart appeared so quickly in Jerry's throat it took me by surprise despite the fact I was waiting for it.

Come on people... do you guys know what I'm worth? Do you really think we just walk around without snipers watching? He's lucky I put a red light on his ass or else that would have been a bullet, not a tranquilizer dart. I told the guys to cut off one of his balls and send it to me in a refrigerated container but make sure Jerry was ultimately fine.

Why not kill him? Way too easy; I like to crush my opponent, not have him killed. Oh Jerry Jerry Jerry Jerry, if you would have just asked nicely I would have gladly made sure you still kept both balls. Now look what you made me do!

Holy shit this is so cool

2008-05-02T12:39:00.000-07:00

Ladies and gents it feels like drinking acid to take something FSJ already has on his blog and put it here, but my first obligation comes to my readers (well not really, but you are considered sometimes) and you guys must check out the video below. We're going to hire him to come and play at the Microsoft campus, just imagine the press!

Yahoo!, prepare to be boarded

2008-04-29T10:50:00.000-07:00

Ok guys, we're not fucking around anymore. I'm sick of this dying company pretending like they can push around the bully. Get this straight: Microsoft is the tough kid 'round here, you're just a pathetic online email provider and search engine who is getting spanked by the other tough kid from across town. All we're going to do is come in and help fend him off. It's kind of like Silicon Valley is a prison and Google is the Nazi gang who wants to rape you, but we're the big black guys who say, "This is my bitch, you mess with Yahoo you mess with me!" Does that help? Believe me Jerry, Google's just eyeing you and thinking: "You have a pretty mouth boy." So as my friend Tom says, help me help you.

Quarterly Earnings

2008-04-24T16:56:00.001-07:00

You would not believe how much shit I'm catching for our quarterly earnings. It's hard sometimes to realize how much normal people care about money. Dave Chappelle said it best: "I'm rich bitch!"

Look people, I'm busy saving the planet, doing some good for the world; not just trying to make rich investors richer. If you want to bitch send an email to the CEO at steve@microsoft.com

Right now, the Bill & Melinda Gates foundation in partnership with Microsoft is working on a cure for AIDS that can only be delivered via machines running our OS. Do you have any idea what that's going to do to sales? Then we'll be saving the planet and making investors happy. Sorry it's taking so long guys but get a flipin' grip already.

A Good Day

2008-04-21T14:01:00.000-07:00

I woke up to the sound of birds chirping happily in anticipation for the day while the smell of breakfast filled my nose. The kind of stuff that tells you it's just going to be an awesome day. Since the whole purif rundown, everything has been put in a more peaceful perspective. I feel so clean inside, all of the drugs, alcohol and smog has been totally wiped from my system.

Ballmer and I just played Guitar Hero in my office all day. This was a much deserved break after the project we just finished yesterday. Forgive me for keeping it a secret but you'll know what it is before the year is over.

Also, I'm thinking about doing a triathlon, anybody have advice about getting started?

Only 24 hours in a day

2008-04-17T23:00:00.000-07:00

Hey guys, sorry for being out of touch, but I'm runnin' flippin' Microsoft ok? Get over it. I'll be back soon.

Offensive or funny?

2008-04-11T15:27:00.000-07:00

Xbox and Mac

2008-04-08T11:05:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure how I should feel about this guy. He's an Xbox user and a Mac user. WTF? Are there a lot of people out there who use Macs and Xbox? Maybe I should start trying to create a Halo effect for the Xbox and PC.

Anywhoo, this story totally supports my point about the internet being the future of everything which I was saying since before there even was an internet.

Getting past the bouncer can be tough

2008-04-05T18:17:00.000-07:00

I was chillin' with some of the developers last night having a few beers and just shootin' the shit. Anywhoo, I asked them why they weren't out hitting the clubs trying to score some women. They just laughed and explained how difficult it was for them to get in anywhere. I forget sometimes that everyone isn't me and can just get in anywhere, whenever. After some thought and searching online for a solution, I found the answer. (See video below). It's totally working for these guys and they're happier and more productive than ever. Who knows, maybe we will release Windows 7 next year.

Windows 7

2008-04-04T17:11:00.000-07:00

Whether they're talking shit or giving us high fives, people love to talk about Microsoft. We can't go to lunch without it becoming news.

I told one of these news people Windows 7 will be here in a year or so, and everyone's going nuts! Lesson to all the noobs out there, when a software company gives a flexible time range for product release it's always later rather than sooner. But now everyone's starting to get all excited about Windows 7 which is going to just blow people away. I'll take some time off from the foundation to really go and be a part of the fanfare at the release.

Wait for it...

2008-04-04T16:58:00.000-07:00

Go ahead and take the time to actually watch all of this, it's just funny. Hmmmm... we could use some help with the recon at Apple.

Buying A Home?

2008-04-03T17:43:00.000-07:00

For all you people out there who don't have billions of dollars and need home loans, check this out. I've heard many employees complain about the incessant phone calls or emails they get from salespeople 'cause they submitted information online for home loans and other things.

If this new business works out, we might want to look into acquiring Zillow...

How to revive a joke

2008-04-02T23:34:00.000-07:00

She's f*@&ing Obama!

Aren't these Mac ads getting old?

2008-04-02T14:15:00.000-07:00

Have you seen the new "Breakthrough" ad for mac? These commercials are like your little brother telling you everyday how he's going to kick your ass, but when push comes to shove nothing happens.

Check out what's "Surfacing" in at&t stores

2008-04-02T11:38:00.000-07:00

It has begun; the time of Microsoft innovation is upon the world. This is the next big Microsoft milestone for being a true innovator. I've been waiting for the day Apple copies us for a long time, and that day is near.

Mini Me

2008-03-31T20:44:00.000-07:00

This just makes me feel good. It's funny, despite how much Mac claims to be superior and the number one "education company" Windows is still everywhere. I'm totally donating software to this kid's school in exchange for an employment contract when he graduates high school. Yeah, that's right, high school. Hell, he could replace Ballmer in a couple of years.

Let the healing begin

2008-03-29T11:30:00.000-07:00

First read this short article.

Don't get me wrong, Obama is the flippin' man, but "We're trying to find out the right approaches for accountability, but at the same time try to heal wounds that have occurred and allow the campus to move ahead." is overdoing it. People, they're a bunch of flippin' college kids screwing around. It's funny how everyone is taking college kids so seriously since so many of them are becoming filthy rich with the businesses they start. (A trend that I pioneered thank you very much). I had the opposite problem when I was at Harvard.

Anyway, relax people. Obama said he was LMAO while reading about it. Don't let distractions about race distract you from the real enemy; Hillbilly Clinton.

Open Minded?

2008-03-27T19:08:00.000-07:00

Microsoft has this new image of innovating and being open minded which is doing a really good job of pissing off all the Apple freaks. So my question to you is: Should I be open minded, or are these people just f*@&ing crazy?

Hmmmm I'm getting my ass kicked, what should I do?

2008-03-26T13:26:00.000-07:00

Mom, I do appreciate that this is a crappy situation. But come on, you're putting your son on national TV and telling everyone his peers are kicking the shit out of him. Now he can't go anywhere and start over; as you said yourself, the lawsuit hasn't stopped the kids from beating him. Just put your son in Tae Kwon Do dammit! Teach him to defend himself! Not everyone is a billionaire and can afford top notch security.

Sorry guys, I guess that's the parent in me coming out. What would you guys do?

The lady doth protest too much

2008-03-25T22:32:00.000-07:00

Here is a move by Yahoo! to make it look like they are doing exciting new things that will help them grow and bring value to the company. Basically they're approaching Google, getting on their knees, and hoping to be protected from big bad Microsoft. Playing hard to get is possible but it's getting ridiculous. Good luck Yahoo!, we hope you enjoy gurgling for Google.

Xbox Live Police Kick Ass

2008-03-25T22:00:00.000-07:00

Larry Hyrb is definitely getting a bonus for this. We can't have people going in and pissing off the nerds who work so hard to earn their place in the Xbox Live dimension. They escape from reality into a world where it doesn't matter if you're 400 lbs and a high school drop out, you can still kill all the bad guys and get all the chicks.

It's not real... It's not real...

2008-03-25T16:55:00.000-07:00

So you want to hang on to a monopoly, believe me I understand! But you won't get there by pretending there isn't any competition. You bleep out a DJ for saying Sirius and XM??? US Market to Clear Channel, start innovating!