The Realities of A Twenty-Something

Product Recommendations/The Half-Assed Beauty Edition

2012-02-28T16:00:00.002-05:00

If I can sum up my 'beauty routine' and essentially my whole life it's that I want to do as little as possible & still get a decent result. It's not that I don't need makeup, I know I look better with it. I am just so god damned lazy & I lol myself into oblivion when I see how expensive some of this stuff is. I barely even wore makeup until I was twenty-three so there's that, too. I routinely get so bored of straightening my hair that I go watch tv or get a snack with half of a finished head. I'm trying, though! I figured I guess I will start putting some effort in but not really..but I have some tricks I use to make it appear that I did so let's discuss.

Behold...a can of magic

Skin79 BB Cream
I'm going to admit that I'm still not even 100% sure what this stuff even is/does besides the fact that it's literal magic.What even is a beblesh let alone a beblesh balm?This stuff has been hot on the asian markets for about five years & all of us lazy americans are just jumping this train. I read through the ingredients & nothing seems like it's going to melt my face off or give me cancer but tbh, it might be a well-worth it risk to take because I look fresh as a muhfucker with this on. This could be comprised of sad baby tears & the essence of every GOP candidate's farts & I would still probably shell out the $9 & shove my fingers in my ears & yell 'lalalala' just like I did when people told me that Apricot Scrub was bad for your skin. Broke Girl Tip: You seriously only need a single pump of this stuff for your whole face...maybe even less because I have a head the size of a hot-air balloon that's as round as Thomas the Tank Engine & that was plenty for me. It comes in one color - grey...you are going to look legit like Edward Cullen minus the whole looking like a foot & being a glamorous vampire thing but it will oxidize to match your skintone in a few minutes & then it's game on. It has SPF, reduces hyper-pigmentation, and overall makes your actual skin nicer even when you're not wearing it. Get your ass on amazon & do the damn thing.

Fake Lashes (Sort of)
I know you think I lost my damn mind & that fake lashes aren't lazy but trust me..they can be easy & worth it. I get these exact ones & trim them down to a little more than half. Line your lash with black liner right up to your lash line because believe me, getting these on perfectly isn't easy at first & this will help mask the weird skin gap you'll get. Use a tiny line of glue and blow on the strip for 30-45 seconds or until it's sticky & not a gluey mess & then apply with the longer lashes on the outside corners of your eye. Yeah what girl..you're looking good right now! I call these lazy because I feel so unnecessarily fly when I wear them that I don't really do other eye makeup. Maybe just some bottom lid liner & white power in the inner corners of your eye but dass it. Broke Girl Tip: If you want to reuse these apply mascara first or else they will get nast. Trust me these aren't just for Snooki & strippers anymore..you too can rock this shit. I've even applied these while working a nice buzz & I can barely even keep my eyes open at that point.

Palmer's Coconut Oil Protein Pack
We all know how much I stan for coconut oil. Well a year ago I decided to be wild & free & color my naturally blonde hair bright red because I thought it would be cool but I ended up being asked if I was Haley Williams & frying my hair when I tried to go back to blonde. I seriously lost about half of my hair. So I recently chopped off all the dead hay hair & vowed to not touch a chemical to it for a full year but it still needs some legit tlc. I have been doing an at home mask with an egg & coconut oil but let me tell you...it's fucking foul. It has the consistency of ectoplasmic jizz and gets chunky & it's horrible. My hair would always look nice after I washed it out but trust me..this pack is way easier. I am as stubborn as an ox/man so I don't follow the instructions. I wet my hair with a spray bottle & then put this on & leave it on for an hour. It's going to feel like your hair is hard & weird but trusttttt me. I wouldn't leave you looking crazy. Wash it out with shampoo & condition like normal. BAM. Lookin' good. I think it's like $1 at Target right now & one pack lasted 3 treatments in my medium length 'looks thin but there's tons of hairs what's up with that' hair. Then drink the god damned kool aid if you haven't already & get straight up coconut oil & slather it over your whole body & admire your own oiled boobs in the mirror & thank me later.

NYC Eyebrow Kit

I've said it once & I'll say it again - no excuse for bad eyebrows! Get those babies right! Youtube how to pluck/wax/get good arches or go get them done & never look back. I used to tweeze my eyebrows into pencil-thin straight lines in highschool, I understand the pain of bad eyebrows. I think I've properly destroyed all photographic evidence of this & it doesn't hurt that I'm 100 years old & facebook & myspace didn't even really exist until I was in college. I had to let my eyebrows go untouched for months & months & then went to get them done & it was worth looking grimey in the process. Now I can just pluck the strays & the weird blonde hairs & use this to fake perfect eyebrows. Again I made up my own way of using this but I take a brow pencil (I use a little covergirl one) and define a line at the start of my brows & then also define my arch now PUT DOWN THE DAMN PENCIL or else you'll look 10 types of crazy & break out the powder. Lightly dab the brush into the powder & brush over your brows in the direction of the hairs. Then take one of those eyebrow brush thingys that most people have & dip it into the wax part & brush your brows into the shape you want & you're done, baby. I'm not playing this thing is amazing look at me all high on ativan workin' some legit brows thanks to this: (I can feel y'all judging my multi-layered broken ass hair but this was before that aforementioned hair chopping).

L'Oreal Magic Perfecting Base

This is the most expensive thing I've posted. I think it's like $13 at CVS or you can do what I do & steal a bunch of samples out of magazines & let that last you a few months. This stuff is seriously great & you only need a tiny bit all over your greasy gross zones to look perfect & like you have no pores (& if you actually have no pores you literally suck & I hate you with the fire of a thousand suns) It's a justifiable purchase though because I don't know about you but about an hour after I would normally apply my makeup it would slide halfway down my face & as Tabitha so eloquently put it here:

These are just a few little things I've been loving right now or have never let me down. I feel like I for sure need to keep my game right since I have the simultaneous blessing & curse of a boyfriend who uses products/cares about his appearance. Oh excellent you are goodlooking all of the time! Oh fuck you are goodlooking all of the time. I'm glad that you look really good right now at 9am when we're hungover & I'm in sweatpants at this diner trying to hold it together until my coffee comes. People are probably thinking 'my what a nice young man taking that street vagrant out for a hot meal!'. I'm trying to stick to the portion of my new year's resolution to become more or atleast fake the fly. I also said I'd be more positive but it's only February so give it some time...or fuck you.

Hot Mess 2012 Grammy Wrap-Up

2012-02-12T23:12:00.000-05:00

I told myself I wasn't going to watch this mess but here I am...all over it like Bare Minerals on Bruno Mars. To be honest all of these award shows jarble together & are the same but I figured I'd atleast get to see Justin Vernon in a tailored suit! I demand a refund! Baby let me teach you about working that hairline & skinny ties. Is Kitty a woman that I will have to murder? Why was there so much country music and a tribute to an old man who I've never heard of... The Red Carpet was the whose-who of people I've never heard of in my whole life.

First of all I really am grossed out that Chris Brown was given an award & allowed to preform mere years to the day that he did what he did to Rihanna. Bad enough you got away for beating up your girlfriend now we're giving you applause & acknowledging your existence AND making your victim share airtime with you! How fucking disgusting..seriously. Good for her though because she looked & sounded amazing & he was so desperately trying & failing. Womp womp Chris Brown...please now have several seats because you're a fucking asshole.

Let's get to the vanilla snorefest that is Taylor Swift. Hold on because for real this is a grown ass woman dressed in a Marshall's floral dress with a side braid strumming the A chord talking about 'why you gotta be so mean all you are is mean' and this is Grammy worthy? Are we being serious right now? Are you wearing dentures? Why do you always look surprised? Is this hobo-chic shit cute? Yeah I guess I am mean but at our age you really need to stop writing albums about some dude you dated for ten minutes. He probably dumped you because you are scrawny and suck at sex but you have ridden some golden dicks in Hollywood...Jake Gyllenhaal?? GIRL maybe you missed the boat by five or so years but he used to be so fly. Jarhead is pretty much porn to me..stop crying.

Tony Bennett? Huh? What is any of this. Adele atleast looked gorgeous & sang flawlessly & didn't need schtick. Katy Perry girl what are you doing...dancing around with crimped blue hair talking shit on your exhusband isn't really taking the high road, now is it? Maybe you should hush a little since he still is entitled to half of your shit but claims he doesn't want it...I bet the money from E.T. could buy that man plenty of Champagne Room knob jobs.

I realize she just passed away yesterday but uhm..could you have given Whitney maybe a few solid minutes? A video montage? Just play one of her own performances? No offense to J Hud she has a beautiful voice but the runner up on American Idol to sing a legend's song? A lil tacky, no? Chris Brown was on stage TWICE looking smug, come on! Shame on you guys.

The Foo Fighters/Deadmau5 mashup was pretty dope though...don't invalidate everything I'm saying but I mean...have you ever been stoned & listened to dubstep? YOU CANNOT HATE. I am down to go to a dubstep show sometime even though they'll be a bunch of sweaty 17 year olds in Doc Marten's about five minutes away from a MDMA overdose trying to touch my face & stuff. I guess the common theme here is there will be drugs...where was I....

My eyes were essentially slanted shut for all of Nicki Minaj...what in the actual fuck though. In the words of Jimmy Brooks/your man Drake...YOLO. Gaga has been doing the weird, mental patient chic thing & failing just as hard for years.

SO YEAH the Grammy's..surprise surprise a let down. To be honest I've been bored since 9:30 and I'm full of italian food & wine & I'm just gonna end this post with that.

Make sure to head over to my girl popculturemajor.com for further shade & anything you may have missed!

Ways to Stay Alive & Relatively Not Murdered

2012-02-11T18:11:00.002-05:00

Call me a pessimist (water is also wet) but sometimes when my lady friends tell me about some grand gesture the guy they like made I have to pause my reaction until I see theirs because I'm pretty much sitting there wide-eyed wondering if they know that it's really creepy & a sign that they might be serial killed. As a 2 Smart 4 U young lady I know the basic ways to stay safe such as owning pepper spray & being way too excited to use it, not walking drunk at 2am to get Hot Fries from the corner store, and harboring a general distrust for every male ever. Here I am though to cast some shade on things that weird me out & you might find endearing like the black cloud that I am.

You know how in movies the dopey, bed head guy always shows up outside on the girl's stoop in the middle of the night & people clench their teeth & sigh & wish that it would happen to them? Girl, not me. I might watch too much 48 Hours Mystery but that man might be learning your routine or something or collecting plywood to take home & fashion a torture room in his cellar. How cute are sound-proofed walls, hmm?? Not to mention if I'm walking outside in my boxer shorts that I save for when I have my period to throw out the stank ass chinese takeout from last night some dude better not be standing out there in a peacoat with carnations on my stoop.

If he focuses his attention on some random part of you like your feet or earlobes he's a fucking weird guy. I consider complete emotional availability the signs of a psychopath because really..this is actual life. If you tell me you love me & we've never had sex/I've never cooked for you/you have received my standard shade then it's weird & I assume you might find a nice lake to leave my remains. Maybe when we hang out I'll make sure to collect DNA evidence or thank god for all of this dental work because it will make me identifiable. My boyfriend is pretty indifferent to me most of the time I think & that is why I sleep soundly in that bed...that & we might be functioning alcoholics. Plus if he did murder me & put me down the trash chute it would take about five minutes to convict based on the DNA on my eyelashes, back,front,hair, etc. Give me an update on your emotions on Valentine's day & I guess my birthday so we're on the same page & then let's see what's on tv. Point is, I'm going to assume that any man over the age of twenty-two who wants to watch me sleep probably might also want to skin me & has probably been speaking of me in past tense to his coworkers for a week or so.

My friend & I found this twitter once of a guy she knows & it was PUBLIC & he referred to his ex girlfriend by her initials and would tell her good morning & goodnight & say how he loved her. I should print it out & save it for the day that he inevitably drives around with her body in his trunk because these are SIGNS. I will crack that case wide open. I think I dodged one of these once & I should have known when he not only enjoyed but made me watch Elizabethtown. Anyone who thinks those people are normal & not grating is definitely, definitely a sociopath. I could have been something else Nancy Grace would sweat her lacefront over & she would do her fake empathy voice when she talked to my parents on camera & it would have just been sad for all of you.

I feel like this could be a lucrative business for me. Send me the info of your potential new mate & I will follow them around and take camera phone pics of their license plate & figure out if they will be your new boyfriend or your murderer. You can pay me in cases of craft beers such as Bud Light Lime & PBR.

Valentine Ideas for the Modern Day Twenty-Something

2012-02-07T21:44:00.002-05:00

Ladies & gentlemen I would love to announce that albeit presumptuous of me, this girl ain't gonna be alone on Valentine's Day. Unlike past years I won't be locating the the nearest Gertrude Hawk, buying a pound of chocolate covered strawberries & then sitting on the bench that is closest to the storefront while I stuff my face with them to the shock & horror of onlookers who shoo their children away as they ask 'mommy, what's wrong with the sad lady?'. However as I resolve to spend the next seven days preparing by drinking water & not eating chili lime ramen & egg beaters for every meal so I don't bloat to epic proportions (okay, starting tomorrow) I realize that the only thing worse than not having plans might be actually having plans. You mean I have to feel normal, rational emotions? Love & crap like that? & try to look nice in something short & tight enough that I don't look like my boyfriend paid for my company that night? & get just drunk enough that I'm down for whatever in the bedroom but not to the point that I vomit and/or embarrass myself with feelings? Shit.

So thanks to the inspiration of my cohort/partner in debauchery here are some ideas to fill those valentine's day cards that you spent way too long picking out because none of them ever say what you really want to say.

Happy Valentine's Day:

To the one I'd share my weed with
I think you're hotter than James Deen
I shaved my entire leg for the occasion
I'm high on ativan
I won't roll my eyes tonight (maybe I'll just roll them less)
I'll keep promising that 3some we'll never have
Hall pass to my butthole
Here's some song lyrics about love but let's not make it weird
from your lady in streets but your freak in da bed

If you don't have a date don't you fret. Google the aforementioned James Deen...you're totally welcome. Just don't make the same mistake that I did & follow him on twitter because anyone that fucks like that is bound to be a dumbass. Throw on some sweatpants & cry to an Avett Brothers song because it's sad or because Scott is happily married. Booty call someone at 4am when you're full of ice cream. No shame, girl..no shame. Your cat isn't going to judge and if he does who cares because he's a cat.

I will admit that I secretly love this shit. Maybe my cold, black heart has softened some over time from too many hallmark commercials or the estrogen from my birth control or maybe it's just the plaque build up comprised of Doritos dust...I also enjoy a nice heart print. If you're in a relationship just appreciate the fact that dating is weird & so are most people & you two are weird together & past the awkward stage where they've never seen you without mascara or with your retainer in. Love is cool when it's not totally annoying. Eat some fancy food & drink some wine together & make out like you're teenagers instead of the normal 40oz & Taco Bell & passing out with a food baby while you pray you don't have to be on top because you're already sweating & that crunchwrap is only going to slosh around in there.

If none of this interests you just live it up at target on the 15th & get yourself all the marked down chocolates you can shove down your gullet.

That Time I Became Ebay Famous For My Feet

2012-01-24T14:04:00.001-05:00

No idea why I'm even making this post other than boredom & being hopped out of my mind on Dayquil but one time I accidentally became eBay famous. I put a bunch of random ass clothes/shoes/items up on ebay at like 9pm one night & I woke up to about twenty new messages about a pair of god damned heels I posted. Apparently if you model the shoes..the freaks will come (double entendre intended). Luckily for you I still have a random sampling of those very messages saved so let's take a walk down memory lane of the week or so that my feet were eBay famous, shall we??

Hi, miss. i likes stiletto heels shoes, hope you can find for me as soon as posible. but, only shoes worn by you, not others people. Actually, i feel shy to tell you that ... i am a Foot and Shoes Fetish guy.

i likes to dominate and humiliate by Ladies with long Leg and beautiful Feet like you
and treat me as a slave dog ...

sometimes, i imaging i Lay down on the floor like a dog
in front of one Lady wearing highheel shoes,

She order me to Eat the food on the floor after being
Step and Crush under her high heels shoes.

And lick clean her dirty shoe Soles and eat whatever
foods stuck and remained on her shoe Soles.

Do you think it's a sick ?

can you sell me crushed food if i bought your old shoes?

Regards.
Dog.
Do these beauties smell?
your feet are PERFECT! holy crap! was wondering though if you have any footwear that is REALLY HEAVILY SCENTED, that you'd be interested in selling? the items you have listed just don't have the look of exceptional stinkiness...let me know...thanks!
I was wondering if you could sell me pics of you licking your own feet and flops...If so..please send me your email and I can send you samples.
Hello, My Mistress has recently removed me from her service and I miss worshiping her high heels. I would like to bid and win your but just have a few questions and I hope they don't offend you.
Are they truly your work heels, how old are they, do you wear them barefoot or with stockings, do they smell (I like them somewhat smelly), would you consider stepping on and squishing your chewing gum for me to clean off for you, and would you email me your detailed cleaning instructions for how you would like me to clean them for you?
I hope to win and be of service to you!
Wow, cute pics, cute shoes and really cute feet!!! Oh please MAKE ME BID!!!

So there you go. If you have nice feet you should maybe get on ebay because my feet look like hooves mixed with otter paws and I was a god damned sensation. Could be lucrative?

2012-01-24T13:47:00.001-05:00

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A Post About Teen Mom: How Embarrassing For Me.

2012-01-13T14:35:00.002-05:00

If you've read anything I've ever written on here you might be acutely aware of my lack of shame. Yes? Maybe? Well that carries over to my creepy love of reality tv. YEAH OKAY I am twenty-six years old clenching my jaw over teenaged girls living bougie ass lives..I see the issue, maybe. I'm probably just a hater because if I popped a baby out of my twat right now the reaction wouldn't be that of a six-figure salary & a tv spot. It would be more like 'geesh finally...does she even know who the dad is, though??'. So yeah I'm about to go in on this show. You can read and agree or step on out of the kitchen.

Janelle: Oh girl where do I even begin. The eyebrows? Girl step away from those tweezers and embrace your natural, non shrimp-like arch. How about her loser ass man? When a guy wears the same green hoodie everyday & tells you he took SOME cooking classes so he's qualified to 'walk into any kitchen and flip dem burgers' you should maybe move on. When you met him he had on a puka shell necklace for fuck's sake. You guys belong far, far apart. It was some bullshit how you laid hands on him first and threw your friend's life savings in pennies at him, though. Domestic violence is a two way street, young lady! Go home & take care of your baby for real. Here is a tip: if your mom is raising your child & you want to prove competency, maybe don't scream in her face while holding your kid. Also you should probably get up off your ass instead of crying into your VS Pink hoodie and take care of him for ten god-dammned minutes. He already has a weird ass loser for a dad, give the kid a chance. Leave the weed to the adults who have no kids and just want to roll a jay and watch your show on a Tuesday night, OKAY?!

Chelsea: Ohhhhh dear Chelsea. As someone who considers leopart print a neutral, you're ruining it for us all. If you want to mold a spot on that couch in the shape of your ass & chill in full hair & makeup and ratty ass sweatpants all day, you do you. Just a thought though..maybe GET YOUR FUCKING GED ALREADY. Your dad is a dream. You took some dweeb's dick and popped out a grandchild at sixteen years old and the man pays your rent & keeps your extensions fresh & showers you in zebra print!!!! All he asks is you get your GED & go learn how to do hair or nails or what the fuck ever & don't let your analbead of a baby daddy freeeload on his dime! GET UP AND DO SOMETHING. I'm not going to front like having a baby is easy because what do I know but Kailyn is doing school & two god damned jobs and no one is paying her rent (well I guess the state is now). No excuse! Adam is a tiny little worm who will never change & will never get a hat that doesn't make him look like a guy who would try to put something in your drink at a kegger. MOVE ALONG, YOUNG ONE. Also someone needs to fire the intern who did the editing on the last episode based on that lack of continuity. Am I supposed to not notice her bleach blonde to honey blonde to brown low-lights hair changed in a 48 hour period??? (PS the honey blonde was best you should have stuck with that....bleach + those bangs + orange ass skin...girl).

Leah: I was rooting for you!!! You always seemed like the normal one! How the fuck you were taking care of two infants yet maintained stage makeup and Beyond the Mason-Dixon Line Hair is admirable. Yeah sure, Cory is dumber than a box of hair but the man has a job & loves you & dem babies! I looked past the John Deer camo hat! He got a straight up hall pass for that. You were saying how you had dreams & aspirations & got a full time job & then what the fuck happened? SPOILER ALERT she cheated on Cory & is now re-engaged & pregnant again. Honey you need to sloooooow the pace. Nineteen years old, divorced, three children with two dads...baby you are on a slippery slope into Big Gulps at 9am, smoking cigs while your oldest wrangles baby #8 that you had for the tax return money. Also can you speak the fuck up?? Why are you whispering?

Kailyn: I don't have much shit to talk on you. I am holding out hope for you, actually. You're doing the best you can for real. You should maybe stop talking shit about welfare but I digress. If you touch that hair of yours I'll head over to wherever in bumblefuck PA you are and dunk your head in the sink until you come to your senses. Also..stop getting tattoos. YES I creeped your twitter. If Chelsea wants to be covered in hibiscus flowers & tatted on eyebrows you need to step back from the chair and say 'not today..not today'. Good for you for getting Mirena and keeping your ass sterile for some time. Also way to go with writing that letter to Jo's mom & I'm sorry that her lollipop head having self was stank to you. Yeah so you dated someone else while living under her roof...her bug-eyed son dumped you & banished you to the basement & probably laid pipe with tons of girls while he is 'recording his album'. Stay far away from the other girls & you're gooooood to go.

So there's my abridged (?) thoughts. I feel like I need to take a long walk along a lake to balance out & stare at my reflection in the water & re-evaluate my life right now. Take it up with nature, you know? I blame it on this week's double feature of this quality program. It was two hours of slanty-eyed stares, eyerolls, me talking at them through my teeth & taking breathers during commercials. Maybe next week I'll post about Jersey Shore but really the post would just be "Everything was greasy & smelled like a go-go dancer. Post over'.

New Year's Yada Yada

2011-12-30T14:01:00.002-05:00

My apologies for slacking big time on writing this blog. Truth is I am just off the charts lazy but HERE I AM. Here to rant. Never you fear!

So hey tomorrow is New Year's Eve woop it up or whatever. Truth be told I need no excuse to wear sequins or drink too much but atleast tomorrow it will be considered socially acceptable & my mom won't write me a long message about how I should reevaluate life & where did she go wrong. I don't even have solid plans yet but I have an outfit so who even cares. I'll just pregame with some Andre and eventually make my way onto the train to find a random place to commence the slop. You know you're fucking old when you're more concerned with your recovery the day after because I know I'm fearful. I suspect it will be like last year where I woke up to my false lashes on my pillow and my pajama bottoms on under my dress and no recollection of how I got back to our hotel. We walked into our hotel lobby & I looked around at all the other twenty-somethings loathing life and announced 'wow we all look fucked' and yep..hungover heads nodded & one half asleep guido attempted to weakly pump his lil fist.

2011 has been a butthole of a year, that's for sure. It wasn't ALL terrible...I met a dude who can dress himself & I suspect thinks I'm rad (although he won't admit it), I started this here blog, got grown up braces so I can attempt to be hot, and I don't know what else. A boy, braces & a blog. What a thrilling existence. Truthfully & with extreme corniness I feel like 2012 is going to be my year. I say this because it can't possibly get worse & the good things only will get better. It would suck if the crazies are right though & the world blows the fuck up in December because wouldn't that be ironic. That's optimism for you! Next year will be my year! Gonna get it all together finally! Then the world is going to end.

This year I decided to maybe make some resolutions just because I have been marinating in an estrogen cocktail and it's been bumming me out & I'm essentially too cool to be sad. I guess I just want to be the old me because that bitch was pretty okay.

How was I this cute a year ago? Look at that pretty virgin hair & boring ass, fresh face? Do you know how much more I drank and how much less I slept then? I woke up on my porch the morning this pic was taken what kind of cyborg was I at 25???

I guess I have 48 hours left of self loathing so I will wander around like a little black cloud in leggings as pants & eat a Big Mac meal & chase it with a beer & melatonin. Sunday I start the quest of not feeling like a human shit-bag all the time. People tell me they think I'm cool all the time & even if they are blatantly lying to my face I'm going to try to acknowledge & believe! 'Nice ass, bitch!' 'Right?!?! I know! Thank you dude on the street wearing mesh shorts in 33 degree weather!'. It's all about the affirmations & whatnot.

I'm also going to treat myself like I'm going on some tropical vacation that I'm not. So I'll actually workout & stuff. I mean, this year has been cool because I got into decent shape & I can do an hour of cardio without you being able to actually see my slighted ghost vacate my body, cursed to forever haunt a taco bell, as I fall like a lump to the ground next to the elliptical. Progress. I guess I should eat better, though? I would like to add a portion to this blog about how to diet when you can't quit beer or bread. Is that a thing? Do I just live off of grapes & shots of air in the meantime? Sacrifice I think I'm willing to make, to be honest.

I'm also going to not box color my hair for a WHOLE YEAR. This is nuts. I guess I'll touch up my roots occasionally maybe but that's it. I chopped it to shoulder length & that was traumatizing enough. I'm going to OD on biotin & fish oil until it's long & luxurious again (okay, it was never luxurious). Eventually maybe if I'm not still broke I'll figure out what actual color my real hair is & do that professionally but the box..baby, I gotta give you up. Goodbye to the days of sitting in an old Saves the Day shirt with my hair all lathered up with color while I use the pick of a comb to scratch the fuck out of my popping scalp. No more sulfates either. I'm sure I will be a disgusting mess, actually.

So leave me your resolutions, tips, outfits/hair/makeup you plan on wearing tomorrow. Tell me some shit. If you're heading out tomorrow night looking fresh, fly & fancy free be safe, bring condoms (trust me..he hasn't drank enough Mountain Dew to be sterile & even if he only has one ball, his wiener could still be full of chlamydia), and don't forget your pepper spray. Happy New Year's, y'all!

No One Anywhere Wants to Hire Anyone Ever.

2011-12-16T11:26:00.001-05:00

I feel like if you are currently unemployed, underemployed, hate your job, or have ever been any of these things you can relate…if not..well, go away. Spending hours upon hours working on your resume, searching for jobs, applying to jobs, etc until your brain melts and slowly drips out of your ears. Oh the productive things I could be doing! LIKE WORKING! Put me behind a desk, god dammit!!! I think it’s evident that I’m sort of smart & interesting & well spoken (I can turn off my sailor mouth for the right salary or for my significant other’s mom..it’s a gift) & just so you know I can rock business casual like no other. Hearing 19 year old brats whine about having to fold shirts & turn hangers in the right direction in a mall all day makes me want to bash my head into the nearest cement surface. Sorry you’re not interning at vogue, you little bitch!!! Go buy some yoga pants with shit written across the top and a bottle of stoli and get slizzerped but know that I hate your guts.

“You must not be trying hard enough!” if these words ever leave your lips in my presence I will tell a group of angry moms that you let your kid watch Beavis & Butthead all day and laugh myself into a frenzy as they come to your house with torches burning. People aren’t sleeping in tents in Zuccotti Park because the world is amazing & fair & everyone is doing great. If you are reading this & thinking “But I work hard! & I’m going great!” cool story bro but isn’t it a shame that out of all the hard workers out there you are considered one of the lucky ones? I know someone with an MBA that works as a host in a wine bar let’s be real. The reality is that ONE HALF of our country is considered poor or low income. If you’re still waiting for that Trickle Down, release your breath child.

I don’t necessarily know where I’m even going with this but the moral of my story or whatever is that not everyone is looking to have money thrown at them for doing nothing (in case you’re looking to supply that because maybe I actually am) & some people just want an opportunity to rock it out & be a fancy lady in fancy lady clothes & live in a loft with cool looking found wood tables that are ironically old & worn out…not just because I found it behind a Taco Bell. Sure writing & dicking around the web is all kinds of fun for like a week, until you want money for anything or want to leave your house ever, or want to take a sexy ass trip somewhere. Suddenly a 9-5 with paid time off sounds like something out of a dream.

So my point is hire me, hire everyone, hire us all (but especially hire me).

I Have A lot of Feelings About ‘Chick Flicks’

2011-12-15T14:08:00.000-05:00

SO before you all defriend me & hate me and call me a scrooge…listen up. If you enjoy these movies & they make you feel good, then you are obviously a less socially inept, cold-hearted person than I. I mean, my favorite tv shows are Lockup: Raw & To Catch a Predator. I fake empathy when people fall on their face in public. I write a cynical blog about my boring ass life & talk about my butthole for the internet to see. The fact that these movies annoy the fuck out of me should speak volumes to you about how deeply my bitter hagness runs. I cannot submit to sitting there & watching how desperate these actresses are for some weird ass dude’s dick who would annoy me to the point where I would take my salad fork (which would be clean cause who even eats salad anyway) and jab myself in the jugular vein and just end my existence right then & there inside of the Buca Di Beppo.

I know you’re thinking ‘WELL KELLY, if you’ve never seen them how do you know you hate them!!!’. LISTEN, I may be a rotten bitch to most of society but I am an outrageously good friend. There have been numerous occasions where my girl friends get all weird and sad over some dude or their period or work or who the fuck knows & want to hang out & eat snacks and watch one of these god awful movies & I always oblige because I rule and also because there is normally wine involved. I’m like ‘HELL YEAH GIRL, let me just ready my glass….’

Let us begin with the worst movie I have seen ever in my twenty-six long ass years of life: “He’s Just Not That into You”. I expected this to be okay & just be one of those movies that Tells It Like It Is & was going to say all the shit I tell my girl friends when they have Dick Blindness but OH NO…it was far worse than I anticipated. Jen Aniston’s character is psycho as fuck and keeps tell her bf to ‘stop being nice to me if you aren’t going to marry me’ SCUSE ME, CHICK? Calm the fuck down. OH AND SURPRISE!!!! They get engaged in the end. Because nothing is sexier than constantly berating your man into submission & imposing a life-long commitment…I know that would make my dick rock hard. Then we have Miss Neurotic who obsesses over every nuance of every guy she ever meets and is meant to represent…who??? Who befriends Justin Long & spends hours on the phone with him because he’s such a Nice Guy while he should be managing the fucking bar he’s at. So yes..the most annoying plot line of any RomCom…the dumbass girl realizes it was her male bff allllll along that she was meant to be with. Cut to me trying to see if I have enough aspirin in my purse to maybe OD or even just placate myself with a coma.

Here is where many of you will want to click out but HEAR ME OUT – The Notebook…for real? What exactly was any of that. You take two people that hot & don’t make a porn? I’m already uninterested. Okay so Ryan Gosling is some broke ass dude & Rachel McAdams is a rich chick & they hate each other but then they end up liking each other? Okay…then they fuck once? Maybe twice? & she leaves because like I said, he is broke (even though that beard was working in his favor). So she leaves & expects that he write her all the fucking time because she left & he should or some shit. Why didn’t she write him a fucking letter, huh?? So she goes back & he did in fact write her & then he built her a god damned house blahblah who do you choose!? TOUGH ASS CHOICE. You’ve already banged this dude & he can build and shit so just stick with him because this is like 1930 and your fiancé is probably saving himself for marriage so just be easy & pick the guy whose dick is confirmed to work. Oh & then the old ass people die in the end & I’m supposed to bawl like old people don’t die all the time? I’d be more inclined to die if they were like 32 and just had tons of expensive dental work done because..what a waste.

I should say that my idea of romance is potato skins in a microbrewery followed by a few solid minutes of me getting oral without hearing any gripes. Maybe you heating up some nachos and serving them to me with a cold beer? These things sound awesome. I mean I'm a that point in my relationship where I actually want to spend time with him & miss him sometimes & randomly think of how cute he is & all of that stuff that makes me want to actually throw up when I really think about it...so yeah dude..what do I know about this stuff. If there is one thing I do know, though, it's real fucking life & those movies aren't it. Stick to movies like 300 where the guys are naked and look like they were cut from fucking rock or watch something funny and smoke a joint & talk about space with whoever or no one....that's always a good time.

Yo Yo Yo

2011-12-03T00:06:00.001-05:00

I just wanted to give a big ups to all of my new followers & of course to my ride or die fans. Here I am on my bedroom floor where all the blog writing magic happens (even though I have a desk?). Anyway I love all of y'all and it's weird & awesome to see hits from all over the damn world. I'm glad we're all in this miserable ass existence together ;)

Mr. "Nice Guy"

2011-12-02T12:20:00.000-05:00

Ladies do you have a guy friend that seems to always be lurking your life? Oh shit did I even hit ‘post’ on that status he just liked?? I posted that picture six months ago why is he commenting ‘u r cute’ on it today? Who the fuck even is this dude? Well if so…you have a Nice Guy on your hands. We all know them & none of us can stand them but also we’re burdened by a soul so we can’t help but feel pity for this guy because you know he’s warming a beer cozy in the microwave for exactly 17 seconds & fucking it on a Friday night.

You get drunk & post some obscure Saves The Day lyric as a facebook status and .004 seconds later he writes you ‘omg hun what’s wrong????’. Number one: no man with a working cock should ever non-ironically use the term ‘omg’. It almost holds the same ability to cause me to never self-lubricate again as an emoticon with a nose and equal sign eyes(or any emoticon besides ;) because we all know that’s the universal sign for ‘I wanna bang’). Number two: you’re fucking annoying. I’d much prefer you quietly beat off to my tagged pics & not leave a little stamp letting me know you probably did. Just be as creepy as you are & just keep saving them until you have yourself a respectable screensaver and keep it on the low.

Here’s why these guys are the worst: they aren’t actually nice. I mean, they are dudes so they are inherently disgusting, anyway. Newsflash buddy, I know you’re talking crap on my dude because you want to fuck me. Quit saying he’s not good enough for me because I’m pretty much a loser I just so happen to also be fun as fuck and sort of redeem myself. No, women don’t always like ‘assholes’ we just like honesty. ...Okay maybe we sort of like assholes.Truth is, I’d rather someone tell me up front what the deal is then stalk me for months and act like they give a shit about my split ends and muffin top and shit. You guys ‘finish last’ because you’re too fucking slow in the race, my friend. Also I know the second I get fed up and lay it all out & tell you to fuck off you’re going to call me a drunk whore.

To all my ladies, just cut the cord here. You don’t need the attention from some dude who thinks he’s better than all the others because they all do & they rarely are. There’s nothing wrong with just being single & taking birth control for the fat titties & nice skin & not because there’s any possibility for sex. If you’re crying into a bath tub to Explosions in the Sky while drinking a beer (…not that I can relate or anything to this very specific moment) & your phone lights up with a text from a Nice Guy…do what I do & respond with ‘Message undeliverable. Please try again later’ until they either give up or blow through their pay as you go minutes. Have you ever read ‘If You Give a Moose a Muffin’?? There should be a similar book called ‘If You Feel Guilty & Send a Nice Guy a Nude’ because the results are pretty similar.

Oh Okay...Makes Perfect Sense

2011-12-01T13:19:00.001-05:00

The fuck is going on here? Why are you going into a salon to have your hair dry shampooed? How much did that even cost? Oh an by the way, nice that dry shampoo took your hair from ratty dreadlocks to bouncy curls? ALSO YOU DID ALL THE WORK? The guy just flicked your curl and charged you $50 because you are a moron who went to an upscale salon to get your hair dry shampooed when you could have been a normal person and baby powdered it for days until it formed a grease paste & looked like a wig JUST SAYING.

Pinterest, You Bitch.

2011-11-23T10:43:00.001-05:00

I went for a long time rolling my eyes over this whole obsession with Pinterest. To be honest it goes back to me being petulant & hating change & also I had no idea what the hell this site even was. If I don't know what something is I like to take the high road and act way too cool & above it because I find that to be the adult way. So anyway one day I actually peeped this site & well...hours later I emerged dehydrated & bleary-eyed but the fuck if I didn't pin all the ikat prints & nice laundry rooms. I guess cynical bitches deserve the right to pin shit too. It's sort of like college to be honest. You have the annoying sorority girls who like crafts & then you have the hot girls who you aren't sure if you want to be or be with & then there's me who just wants to pin this beautiful villa as if I'm not 26 years old and broke as hell with no hopes of living anywhere other than a one bedroom who I share with my cat and possibly roaches.

Okay so let's start with how fucking annoying some of this shit is, though. For instance - immediately following a tip someone has to leave a condescending 'You're welcome'. Oh why THANK YOU, you crafty asshole. I had no idea I could clean my grout with BLEACH thank you so much for your mind-blowing tip that you're now leaving a facetious little quip at the end of. How the fuck would I ever survive without knowing that you can spend $45 and ten different, weird, caustic ingredients to make your own of something that I can buy for $1. YES THANK YOU, YOU DESERVE IT!!!!!!! You're probably That Chick at a party who judges everyone for doing jello shots & reminds you to 'pipe down' so the cops don't get called even though we're all adults just trying to get drunk but you really want to rush home and glue stick magazine cut outs to your Dream Board and cry to Kelly Clarkson songs.

Next we have the 'dreamers' if you will. The ones who are early twenties & painfully single & pinning their dream engagement rings & bridesmaid dresses & future children's rooms. Girl, take it from me. Go out & get hammered & learn how to give BJ's and walk home barefoot (cause where even are your shoes??) and wake up with vomit & pretzel bites in your hair. There will be time for all of that bullshit but today isn't the day. Nothing will scare off a dude more than your 100 pins of a wedding that you can slide any guy into. He would probably be less scared if he found out you got off by balling up a wad of his hair you found in his brush & holding it in your mouth or something. You probably enjoy bullshit such as this:


'Frame a piece of lined paper & write on glass with dry-erase marker'

lololol let's be REAL. If you find cheesy love & you're into it congrats, seriously. In reality your dude would probably love to come home from a long day at his cubicle and see 'anal tonight' on that thing because we all know the way to a man's heart is through your butthole.

Lastly let us not forget the flop shit that gets pinned thousands of times and you wonder how many people really attempt this sad shit in real life. Such as:

Now if my coworker showed up on a Tuesday afternoon, Starbucks nonfat bullshit in a cup in hand, wearing this I would think 'oh okay girl...walk of shaming it to work, good for you!'...but oh no. This was intentional. She went to walmart & picked up a dude's button-down to try this out after seeing this on Pinterest and soaking her Lululemon yoga pants over how cute & crafty she could be. Newsflash: you look like a fucking lunatic wearing a button down shirt as a skirt.

At the end of the day I still spend way too much time on this fucking site. I'm mainly in it for the food. Not even nice looking food...like grilled cheese & mozzarella balls & the stuff people would be too grossed out to even eat if I served it to them. It is what it is. So if you haven't already, browse on through Pinterest & you'll find some cute shit, toilet paper roll art, probably some stuff about jesus, and lots of recipes that I'm gonna attempt & eat when I'm high. Enjoy yourself & you're welcome.

This Really Happened....

2011-11-19T11:20:00.001-05:00

Okay so I have no interest in seeing the latest Twilight. I saw the first one & well...that was enough but LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL. This, my friends, is an actual scene in this fucking movie. That is a baby (with nice ass eyebrows) being eye-fucked by a warewolf dude. This happened. Millions of dollars went into the filming, production, and editing of this. The baby's face is amazing because it's as if even though just born she knows 'Oh shit I think this guy is going to try to fuck me????'. There is nothing in the whole world funnier to me right now than this gif I can't even begin to tell you.

How To Not Be A Dick At The Gym

2011-11-18T13:38:00.001-05:00

As a person who possesses zero tolerance for people in general, the gym is a certain type of nightmare. My gym is pretty nice, cheap & it's clean so I won't get ringworm so it sounds like a dream...just as long as no one else is ever there. Saturday nights (this is very telling of how awesome & popular I am) are the best because I'm the only loser there & I can freely sweat to death & watch all of Keeping Up With The Kardashians & use the inner thigh machine without feeling like I'm in a soft-core porn. Sadly, I have found some weird ass will-power and going to the gym 6x a week means I'm gonna run into some muscled up fucks & other assorted gems.

First off all every male needs to get the fuck out of my face. I don't know how they do not realize that I am the least approachable person in the universe. I don't even know if what I wear can be considered unisex...it's straight up I Don't Give A Fuck probably dude clothes. Power to the chicks who look cute & have perfect ponytails & coordinating ipod shuffles pinned to their $45 sweat-wicking shirt. That chick ain't me. Yes I notice you slyly approaching my elliptical & that's why I just shot you a slanty-eyed 'do not approach' look oh but fuck...you are still trying. This is about to get embarrassing for you because I'm going to keep listening to my headphones and act like I can't hear you. I saw your sad attempt at pumping iron and I know you just left the tanning booth because I can smell your burnt taint...WALK ON, BRO.

Just because I'm up in the gym doesn't mean I'm as pumped as you about it. No I don't want to join your 5am jogging crew, or buy a year's supply of whey protein. If you do crossfit...lol. You should probably know that I have a poptart in my purse and the second I leave this gym & am out of your eyesight I'm going to devour it like I haven't eaten in years. I'm here to work off the mozzerella sticks I ate for breakfast in my bed. You guys seriously rule for being gun-ho and healthy & shit but as for me...nope.

Oh & if you show up & do Parkour in the gym that is packed & about 8ft across you deserve all of the death glares I shoot your way. Doesn't that defeat the entire purpose of parkour anyway? Aren't you supposed to be like..outside...probably in an urban setting? This is a strip-mall gym in the middle of suburbia & I don't think the stretching area counts as an urban sprawl. Oh plus your polo shirt & carpenter jeans are a really good outfit to workout in.

At the end of the day just leave me be, do your douche thing & we'll be alright. You want to lateral raise your way to no neck & the inability to wipe your own ass? Do it up! I'm just trying to remedy these inner thigh chub wings & steal all the free gym swag.

A few Tips To Make You Even Hotter That Aren't Bullshit

2011-11-16T13:46:00.000-05:00

Okay so on the real I haven't even bathed today so who the hell even am I to give out unsolicited advice but this stuff is legit & I wish someone would have told me before because lord knows I needed to shift some shit up appearance-wise. Anyway here's some tips that work & are cheap/or free because I don't play around.

Drink water like it's your job. I'M TELLING YOU. I mean I get biologically your cells are made up of mainly water blahblah just drink it because it's going to make you look fresh to death & it will help your hair grow, etc etc. Sometimes I don't take my own advice & spend a weekend at my dude's drinking my weight in PBR & forgetting that water is even a thing & then I wake up the next day with a flaky skin beard. Not cute. Then I have to resort to scrubbing my face with a loofah that he scrubs his balls with because it's the only means of exfoliation because he's a dude & they require like..nothing to be goodlooking. Lesson learned.
Keep your eyebrows right. This is important. I consider my life in two phases: before & after I figured out my eyebrows. We were all in highschool once. Crying because Brandon Boyd would never be our boyfriend & plucking away until we had two straight ass lines on our faces. We've been there. Now we heal. Getting your eyebrows done is some sort of weird wizardry because I swear to god they will get thicker in a week & be bountiful brows in a month. Just leave the shape alone, fill them in with pencil & you're good. Good eyebrows are all you need. I feel alright being otherwise troll-like if my brows are on point.
Coconut Oil. If I believed in god I would swear this seeped from his pores. It's magic. Dry elbows? Oil em up. Feet all crusty? OIL THEM UP. Hair is dry? HONEYCHILD GRAB THE OIL. A tub of it is probably $10 & it will last forever. I like to lather myself up like a glazed donut before bed. Perks of living alone although I'm sure no man would be apposed to their chick oiling up like it's a Lil Wayne video.
Trim your ends. Trust me. Losing even .000008 of an inch of hair is pretty much traumatizing especially when you're trying to grow it out but baby you gotta give up those fried ass ends. Unless you like the pentecostal look & want to wander the streets with your sister wives & all 8 ft of your hair swinging in the wind with your thin ass ends bouncing with every step just do it.
Youtube. I don't know how to do shit to myself without someone sitting there on their webcam like "Hey! Dumbass! Do what I do". I sit in front of my mirror & replay until I sort of get it but the results normally aren't too bad. You'll learn how to do cat eyes with scotch tape & how people curl their clip-in weaves like Miley Cyrus. I've straight up embarrassed myself more than once but it's all trial and error in the world of learning how to polish up my turd self.
Fake it till you make it. Hopefully you all realize how baller you all are and can skip this tip but I know it's my life motto. Girl I am going to ignore the fact that I look like a ribbed condom in this dress & my tights are covered in runs...I am gonna stomp this street & pretend I'm Rihanna right now. The most important part of looking good is feeling good. There are many ways to achieve this. I choose blatant lies to myself & also alcohol.

So hopefully you appreciated my pointless rambling. Stay moisturized & flawless y'all. Send me your tips!

Lesson That I Never Learned #1 – How to Not Become a Psycho Over a Text Message

2011-11-16T13:44:00.000-05:00

Let’s be real..modern technology pretty much baffles me. The fact that I even know Xanga-grade html makes me feel like some big shit hacker. I can’t even operate a Mac. So why is it that words (& god help us all…lack thereof) on a cell phone have the ability to turn me into a flaming ball of rage??

I tell myself…bitch this cannot be a normal response. Did I take an extra birth control pill & I’m currently marinating in an estrogen cocktail? Have I lost my god damned mind? NO. AN ACTUAL AMBIGUOUS TEXT MESSAGE HAS RUINED MY DAY. Because I thought out & died when I hit send on that text & you responded with ‘ok’ I’m now cuddled in my quilt crying into Sleepytime tea so I can dramatically go to bed at 8pm like that will SHOW YOU. ASS. I WENT TO BED EARLY NOW. I WOULD HAVE ANYWAY. That’s right. You sent a one-word response and now I’m in the throes of a deep, dark depression. This is how I’m living.

Let’s not even discuss an ignored text. I will spiral into the abyss of text-crazy with the QUICKNESS. It will start with the original ignored text, move on to me asking if you’re ignoring me, and then I black out. Before you know it it’s been less than ten minutes & I’ve sent 20 text messages calling you an asshole & blaming my small tits & the plight of my life on why you won’t respond. OH AM I NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU? MISOGYNIST! I DON’T NEED YOU! HOW DARE YOU IGNORE ME! Then I will cool down & cry it out & realize how fucking nuts I am & apologize. This will casually continue until you learn your fucking lesson!! No I will not stop. Reply to me! I am cool! I like you! I’m only moderately nuts but I hide it well enough so long as you respond to my cell phone outreach. It’s not like I’m calling you because…I’d rather die.

So ladies/gents/fellow crazies. Take it from me. These beezies should be responding to your texts. You might take the high road & casually chuckle & be rational & think 'ohhhh they are having a busy day! they work so hard!' (COOL STORY GLAD YOU ARE SO LEVEL-HEADED BUT LET'S MOVE ALONG)...or you can be real & while the fuck out. A text takes a few seconds to respond to. Hell I might even up my game & MMS a picture of my butt and/or boobs...choose wisely.

WE ARE!!!!....Embarrassed.

2011-11-16T13:43:00.000-05:00

As a person born & raised in Pennsylvania (and hell as a human being) I have a lot to say about the Jerry Sandusky scandal. I feel like just calling it a scandal diminishes how serious & heartbreaking what happened actually is. It’s not just a scandal, it’s repulsive. If anyone shed a tear today on the heels of Joe Paterno’s resignation I insist that you sit down & read the grand jury report that outlined the rape & molestation of eight boys. Eight disadvantaged youth who trusted that monster and were rendered silent but Penn State’s administration despite knowing full well what was being done on their soil.

In 2002, Mike McQuery, then 28 years old (a grown, capable, able bodied adult) walked into a Penn State locker room & witnessed Sandusky engaging in anal sex with a ten-year old boy in a shower. He did not forcibly remove Sandusky & save this child..no. He went & ran to his father who then alerted Paterno to what he saw. Paterno then went to the administration & nothing ever came of it. Had I walked in on such an act I would be dragged out of that locker room with Sandusky’s bloodied genitals in my fist after I tore it off of his foul body. THERE IS NO EXCUSE. If you sit back & do nothing you, Mike McQuery & everyone who knew, are GUILTY. I would like to add that McQuery was given an assistant coaching job & a six figure salary so obviously if he wasn't told to fuck off someone believed him.

For nearly a decade following Sandusky was able to walk free, take children on overnight trips, and continue to defile, molest & rape an unknown amount of innocent children. Nine in total have come forward but it’s clear that many still remain in the shadows. Penn State has long stood & maintained a façade of integrity while covering this up & allowing this man to walk amongst their students/faculty/and likely his own victims.

I won’t shed a tear for Joe Paterno. Forty-six successful football seasons don’t make up for the lives destroyed by your administration. You’re a father, a coach, a public figure & you should hang your head in shame. You have your wealth, a happy family, and people who will blindly support you. These children had no one.

So to those rallying in the streets in support of an administration who protected a monster, you should be mortified & you are part of the problem.

Misconceptions of your twenty-somethings.

2011-11-16T13:40:00.000-05:00

In turning another miserable year older I took a step back and thought ‘holy shit y’all…I’m mid-twenties & it isn’t anything like the movies said! LIFE I DEMAND A REFUND’. Because REALLY?! Is this a joke? These are supposed to be the years I attend fancy parties & have men banging down my door wanting to throw money & shoes & engagement rings at me. It’s supposed to be exhausting in the way that you come home to your West Elm decorated loft in the city and toss your perfectly coordinated, mermaid haired, silken dress wearing self dramatically in your bed and think “Yes. This is why I persevered for so long & acquired all of that student debt! LIFE RULES’. Well if you’re like me you’re currently listening to 90s emo music with a grease bun, smelling like marinara sauce (when was the last time you even ate that, though??) & your mid-twenties are full of numerous misconceptions.

·“COLLEGE DEGREE. Your life is gonna be gravy from now on!”. You busted through the doors of your graduation, diploma in hand, screaming “FINALLY! Never again will I work retail! Salary, benefits, all the money! Here I come, world!”. Now you’re waiting tables or folding tee-shirts that you can’t even afford yourself in an Urban Outfitters. When rejection emails from perspective jobs are considered the kindest gesture you’ve had all week since most everyone else just ignores you & the cover letter you spent hours working on. Your successful friends can suck it and if they talk about their beautiful 9-5 in their office with 6ft windows one more time, you might have to throw yourself in front of the nearest moving vehicle.

·‘Every Weekend is a Fancy Party’. Well we’re all too poor & emotionally invested in The Real Housewives to go anywhere. I mean, I’ve drank whiskey I found opened in a Laundromat once…(that was a good time actually). Truth is, once college ends, we’re all too lazy & tired to leave the confines of our snuggies on a Friday night. Not to mention when you pass the age of twenty-three getting schwasted is more of a ‘look at your life, look at your choices’ moment & less of a ‘Oh boy let me tell you my hilarious & cool story about body shots & boys’. More like “I texted the person I’m in relationship limbo with my true feelings & ate Chinese food on my kitchen floor & woke up to vomit & pound Excedrin & self loathe”.

·‘You Are at Peak Attractiveness!’. Okay this one is certainly not false. The sad truth is that my body will never be this tight, my boobs will never be this perky, and it’s all down-hill from here. Yeah sure you grew out of your acne or your birth control finally helped you out. You learned how to polish the turd that is yourself! Congrats! Let’s be real though, now that I’m older it all feels like WORK. I huff & puff to my curling iron & grimace at the idea of putting makeup on. I know the results will be good & I’m sure as hell going to document it to prove that I’m not always a sweatpants troll but WHY IS IT SO EXHAUSTING? People have pitied me in grocery stores & pointed me to the cold medicines. No thank you ma’am I am actually not diseased. This is just my face.

·“Men. Everywhere.”. The most comical notion we all had. I barely need to expand on this. Men have not & never will mentally age past nineteen years old & mid-twenties men are the most arduous, dumbasses to ever live. When you realize they are so disgusting, yet they are dressing better, have way better hair, and smell so good. Buy me a drink, you foul creature! This will begin months of drunk texting you & creeping your facebook so I can infer what every nuance, status, everything means until I blast Adele & hate all. Getting a man to even say they like you is about as hard as you thought getting an engagement ring would be. Happy couples on facebook while you’re eating an entire bucket of ice cream with your cat make you want to throw your laptop across the earth. ‘I’m fine! I don’t need a man! I will just spawn in my thirties!’. Oh the lies…BLATANT LIES we all tell ourselves & our equally emotionally cold & bitter hag friends always corroborate. Yes, men are everywhere, but more as an infestation & less like a gift.

The worst part is knowing that you have your late twenties to look forward to. When shit is no different you just look & feel 100 years older & will probably drink a lot (A LOT) more wine.