In the parenting group I’m running, A Mom for All Seasons, we’ve spent the last week talking about our own childhood experiences and how those can sometimes shape how we parent. We are talking a lot about triggers and the importance of identifying them so we can keep ourselves from parenting from a place of reaction and instead keep a calm energy as often as possible (We’re only human, right?) This post shows my awareness of my behavior but possibly my ignorance to how my own stuff would trigger me in the moment. Luckily, it all ended well. I didn’t make any angry parent calls or visit the playground to give the know it all a piece of my mind. (Phew!) In writing about the incident thought, it is clear I had some insight into how I could have handled it better so my daughter would have learned not to let meanies get her down. Ah, we’re all human, right? Keep reading if you want to see how I let my own stuff get in the way.

We’ve been mostly free from girl drama. That was until today…

Here is where, as heat travels rapidly through my entire body, I say to myself, “Calm down, they are six. You must handle this appropriately so you can teach this future woman how to not throttle a person every time she’s challenged.”

The post When Little Mean Girls are Your Trigger appeared first on Reinvention Family.

This year, maybe more than ever, the stress of holidays might feel unmanageable. We are entering into the unknown and that added level of stress will have us even more scattered and frantic than in years past.

That does not have to mean all healthy eating flies out the window for the eight week long holiday madness that has threatened many a waistline in the past.

There are two places to pay more attention. The first one may be irrelevant unless you live in warm climates with outdoor parties. No matter the venue or the size of the socially distant gathering, mindfulness is key.

Mindfulness Tip #1: Be Present When You’re Out.

Often times holiday gatherings are full of nervous energy. It may be dinner wrought with family tension or an after hours office gathering of acquaintances that you’re supposed to act familiar around. Maybe chit-chat isn’t your forte or if you do know everyone they aren’t your forte.

Either way, we tend to arrive places and this anxious energy can send us  straight for the bar or the buffet or both!

Did you know that stress effects your ability to digest properly? Stress hormones signal your brain to switch to perceived danger so your body starts hanging on for survival, especially to extra calories.

So, when you arrive, set yourself up for success.

• Eat before you go, even if you are not hungry. The feeling of fullness will help stay calm. If you arrive hungry, you may binge on the entire buffet to calm your nerves or your stomach.
• Take a moment when you get there to breathe and ground yourself in the idea that the gathering isn’t about the food. Mix and mingle a bit before you even head to the apps. This will help you make smarter (smaller) choices.
• If you do head for the buffet and bar, keep your portions small enough to taste but not to fill. If there is something you love, skip everything else and sink into the enjoyment of what you know is awesome.

I know what many of you are thinking: holiday parties in 2020? You are missing something lady.

Ok, so you may not be heading out to many gatherings but that still doesn’t mean overeating isn’t a holiday risk.

Mindfulness Tip 2: Be Present at Home.

We tend to go on autopilot during this season. The constant to-do list of  holiday duties that we have to keep up with all while still maintaining our regular day to day routines can be exhausting.

As a way of coping, we stop paying attention and just march through days until January. Without intentionality, things like meals often fall away.

Suddenly, reaching for a handful of chocolate chips counts as lunch.  Breakfast becomes coffee with a side of  leftovers pasta salad from a family gathering.

Remind yourself that Thanksgiving and Christmas are each one day. And while Kwanzaa and Hanukkah are 7 and 8, they are not a festivals of food for the entire time.

Continue with your regular routines as much as possible. Plan and make your breakfast, lunch and dinners as you do all year.

Look at the calendar to know when you’ll be pressed for time because of extra events or duties to complete. Then plan head with quick salads or reheated frozen meals or leftovers instead of relying on takeout or the mall food court for nourishment.

Other Tips for Healthy Eating During the Holidays

• Keep healthy snacks like nuts, dried fruit or granola in hand-bags and cars for late-night travel or shopping.
• Incorporate as many vegetables into your daily diet as always. They are not only healthy, but filling as well. So, you won’t be as tempted by sweets.
• Sit down one evening soon and look at your month. Add in all that needs to be accomplished or attended or hosted. Then plug meals into those days so you’re not caught off guard and hungry right outside the Auntie Anne’s.
• Keep stuff out of the house. Even if you need sugar and caramel for that special dish your making, you don’t need extra of those items that might tempt you to nip at them all month long. Buy what you need, remove the rest.

The key to staying healthy during the holidays is to remember the Day part of holiday. Be mindful of your time and energy and try not view the seasons as a time to disconnect and satisfy in the moment.

Remember, staying intentional means that hen when you do partake in some of your coworkers toffee, or your father’s signature cocktail or the neighbor’s famous cookies, you can truly enjoy them instead of just consuming them. Isn’t that the best guilt of all.

The post Mindful Eating: How Not to Gain the Holiday 10 This Year appeared first on Reinvention Family.

“What’s on your mind today?” 

“I think I feel lonely.”

-Patients and therapists in conversations all around the world

My friend Sarah and I have this long-standing joke argument about dogs wearing sweaters. Sarah loves to dress her pups. I am staunchly in the camp of those who believe dogs are already dressed in an adequate coat, therefore they do not need sweaters. 

Or raincoats (Insert eye-roll emoji.). 

It’s a joke, obviously. I clearly don’t care how Sarah dresses her pups. If I’m being totally honest, sometimes they even look cute in their Halloween costumes. (I mean, you’ll never catch my dogs in human clothes, but I can appreciate other dogs’ high fashion.)

Up until March, this was only a silly thing that may prompt her to share a picture or funny quip on Facebook and me to respond with a quick thumb up or laugh face as I scroll mindlessly by.  

Lately though, I find I am paying particular attention to my FB feed, looking for Sarah’s dressed dogs.

Not only is there some joy to be found in a german shorthaired pointer with a jaunty sweater, but I am craving the connection that comes from the banter back and forth between us on these threads. 

We started quarantine with a zoom call. Sarah and I, and our two other high school besties. We planned that call to chat about the strangeness that was unfolding in March. We promised to keep it up. 

We didn’t. 

We also missed our annual summer weekend where we gather on the Jersey Shore and laugh at therapeutic levels for three days. 

We tried to plan it again in the fall, thinking maybe we were heading back to normal. Then, cases spiked and The Jersey Shore said if you visited you had to quarantine. It seemed a bad idea again to gather indoors again. 

So, we didn’t. 

Time has marched on, which can sometimes trick us into thinking things are going back to “normal”. 

Indeed as normal as some days may feel, times are still strange and we can often feel alone. I hear it in my office all day long from people of all places and stations in life: I feel weird. I feel overwhelmed. I feel lonely. 

As many of us know, loneliness can creep in even when we’re in a crowded room, or house as the 2020 case may be. This feeling of loneliness can come from the isolation many of us are experiencing as a result of stress from pandemics or social unrest or election-whatever. 

It may not be as bad as March, when we really couldn’t go anywhere and didn’t really know anything. But now that we are back to doing some things, and the world still feels unstable, we are faced anew with the holes left by those we still can’t see, or touch. How many times have you resisted the urge to hug someone in the last six months? How many times have you wondered what comes next?

That is isolating. 

So, what do we do? 

First, know you’re not alone.

Even if you live alone, there are people all around you going through much of the same thing. Find them. They’re in the next apartment, or the house down the street, or online. They are here and they need to hear from you too. 

Second, lean into connection, any connection.

Maybe that looks like a daily stroll over your friend’s Facebook page looking for reasons to chat about her well-dressed dogs. 

You could plan a regularly scheduled zoom happy hour with your networking group, or sorority sisters or neighbors you used to have Friday breakfast with before work. Perhaps joining a group online that you were always interested in or maybe never knew about, but have seen recently. 

The two networking groups I belong to have become more like family than colleagues since we all got locked down in March. I have written before about the potential power of online friendships. Now is the time to find your own. 

Three, reach out and touch someone.

If you are lucky enough to have people in your home, they are likely driving you a wee bit bananas by now. Even if you love them greatly, forced time together, under stress, is not for the faint of heart. Think back to what I said about feeling alone in a house full of people. 

The solution here may feel counterintuitive but stay with me. First, take advantage of the physical closeness by, well, taking advantage of the physical closeness. Hug more. For longer.

For real, a 20 second hug (which feels awkwardly long!) can signal to your nervous system that you are safe. 

So, all those stress hormones that are flying around your body and making you lose sleep, and feel overwhelmed and cry at weird times? That is your body thinking it is in danger. If you hug someone for 20 seconds (while relaxing into it) that will tell your body it is safe and reset your nervous system to its rest and digest state. 

You can literally hug yourself calm. 

If you’re not up for hugs, shift your focus to the good that comes from closeness. Sometimes closeness can feel suffocating, but sometimes, if we pay attention, it can feel pretty good. 

Think of snuggling on the couch sharing a favorite show together or chatting about something non-stressful over bowls of cereal or mugs of hot coffee. Those moments feel warm and peaceful if we pay attention to them. 

Focus on those times. Soak in those moments. FEEL them when they happen. 

This time has forced us all to be more intentional about everything; our choices, our relationships, our time. Connection is an intention that deserves your attention right now. 

Find your people. Make time for them. Lean in to connecting, any way you can.

The post Feeling Lonely? Try Leaning In appeared first on Reinvention Family.

Parenting with three kids in three different schools is never easy. Today with virtual school or hybrid or both it’s even worse. Parenting and schooling in a pandemic, has proven extra challenging, and it’s only October.

Last week, my Steady Eddie middle kid wasn’t so steady. Parents who have a Steady Eddie know how extra painful it is when they need us. These are the kids that we can paren ton auto-pilot through school, because they are driven and ambitious and almost never need us for anything.

Well, turns out being 100% virtual with a 100% normal course load was not quite what my guy expected after last year’s slightly less stringent online experience.

There was some hand wringing and many discussions about time management. My normally organized kid needed some new lessons on organizing and prioritizing to balance school work with the rest of life.

It was one of those parenting mirror moments in that he was reflecting right back at me the very things I struggle with myself.

Don’t you hate that? When your kids’ behaviors magnify your own shortcomings? It’s something no one warns you about when you’re holding that sweet immobile little bebe. But I digress, that’s a post (or 20) for another day.

Instead, in an effort to shift focus and mindset onto something good, let’s talk about the growth I’m witnessing in my kids every day that I’m not sure would he happening if life were “normal”.

Let’s be clear, these days are challenging, but they are also full of opportunity that we may all miss if all we’re focused on is loss.

In this house full of teenagers, there have been lessons like my middle one’s: grownup (or executive function, if you’re fancy) skills like, time management when faced with the multiple distractions that online learning provides.

There have also been the lessons that include resiliency.

As my senior navigates the daily changes to the college process and grieves the loss of multiple senior year milestones, she is building up the strength that life will demand when she is an adult with a job and rent and relationships that challenge her.

How about the advocacy of asking for the help you need?

As the youngest learns he can’t disappear into the computer screen without consequences to his grades, he is forced to learn to ask for help. Even when it is uncomfortable, he has to ask. Even when he is judging himself for needing help, he has to ask. And when he does ask for help, he sees that he isn’t judged and that it doesn’t mean he is failing.

Instead he sees that people appreciate being able to help. He is learning that advocating for himself is not only ok, it is necessary and good. He is always boosted after asking for clarity and guidance. This lesson takes some of us our whole lives to learn. It will serve him better than anything else he could have learned in a classroom this year.

Resilience, prioritizing and time management and the skills of advocacy-this is what my kids are learning this year. I don’t know about you, but for me, these are lessons I will gladly add into my children’s education.

This year is far from perfect. Heck, some days it isn’t even good. There are plenty of things my kids (all our kids) are experiencing that we would all rather they never have to.

Instead of focus on all that is lost, or see all of this as needless pain and suffering, it helps to see what is being gained. The scales may not always balance, but the side of good isn’t totally empty this year. Let’s try to remember that.

The post What Kids Are Learning This Year In (or out) of School appeared first on Reinvention Family.