That is why I have made it my life’s work to help people connect more effectively with each other, because I believe that connection is the key to success. ​

Have you ever wondered why you are the way you are? 

Now that you’ve spent some time determining if you’re an “Avoider,” “Hammer” or “Pleaser” have you ever wondered why you are the way you are? Why do you love being in charge of everything? Why do you never speak up, even when you have something to say? Why are you always the one with all of the jokes? Or, why are you so serious all the time??

Another way to think of your “personality” is that it is the filter that you have which colors how you see the world and how other people see you. I believe that our personalities are a "mashup" of two distinct factors:

Genetics: I think it’s clear that our genetics determines a lot of our personality. There are certain things that we are simply “born with.” For example, I gave my first public singing performance in second grade…and I killed it! Now, while both of my parents were professional singers, I was never taught the secrets of performing or singing in public by them. In other words, I just naturally knew how to be a performer and when I had an opportunity to showcase that, I did. 

Conversely-I could never ever, ever understand any math from algebra on! No matter how many times I studied, worked with my teachers, read books on algebra, took extra study time and sought help from tutors, I could never ever seem to get it, no matter how much I wanted to! 

I think both of these were directly related to my genetics. 

Experience: My study of the science of relationships has led me to believe that we are driven by the need for connection. Along the way we’ve learned what things help us feel connected-and what things make us feel disconnected from others. We then tend to gravitate towards doing things that help us feel loved, noticed, valued and cared for and we avoid the things that make us feel shame, made fun of, embarrassed, and ignored. 

As a kid I learned that my home wasn’t always “safe” to be “me.” Can you relate? I was told (often) that I talked too much, that I sang too loud and that I was interested in things that my family didn’t understand why I was interested in them. So, I pulled back, decided to share less at home,  became more private, and “introverted” and over time I believe I developed “The Avoider” relational style and an “Indirect" communication style, especially at home. 

What does this mean for you?

Now that you have a better understanding of the three relational styles and the two communication styles, I hope you have a better understanding of YOU! If you’ve never taken time to think about why you are the way you are, why not spend some time over this next week to do so?

Then, as you interact with the people around you, use this information to determine what relational and communication languages they’re speaking to you, so that you can more effectively communicate, engage and connect with them! 
​
I must warn you though...once you've indentified your "language" there is a dangerous trap we can (and do) fall into...and we'll talk about that next time!

Construction Worker #1: When you’re part of a team! Wooh! Yeah! I’m going to the Sports Bar after work tonight. Who wants to eat some delicious chicken wings and get crazy!
(As the other constructions workers start to leave together, Emmet is left behind and tries to get their attention)
Emmet: Chicken wings! I love chicken wings!
Construction Worker #2: Yeah, who wants to share a croissant with this guy?
Emmet: Croissants! I love croissants!
Construction Worker #3: Oh, yeah! I sure do love giant sausages!
Emmet: Giant sausages! No way!
(No one seems to notice Emmet, no matter how hard he tries)

Later on, when one of this co-workers is asked what he knows about Emmet, this is how he responds, “And I mean, all he does is say yes to everything everybody else is doing.”

The Nice Guy

When you interact with Pleasers you’ll often think that they are some of the nicest people you’ve ever met. After all, they agree with you on everything…so if you’re someone who loves to get his/her way, you’re going to love the Pleaser, because s/he will give you what you want all of the time. Sounds good, right?

The price is they may not tell you what you need to hear, when you need to hear it, because they don’t want to upset you. So when the emperor is strolling down the street buck naked without any clothes on, the Pleasers will not be the ones to say, “Dude! You’re nude!” (Like the rhyme?) And there are times when we need people to call us out on our stuff, right?

The price Pleasers pay is that they often sacrifice their well-being for the approval of others. Every time you give up your voice, your point of view, your thoughts, your ideas, to try and mold who you are to someone else’s idea of what you should be you lose a little (or a lot) of yourself each time.

Plus you might be depriving the people around you of what they need from the honest, authentic and true YOU! 

The other price you pay, if you’re a Pleaser is that the people around you will eventually feel the WEIGHT-and it is a weight, of your needing their approval, their validation, and their recognition as often as you do. While I know this isn’t your intent, you may come across as “needy” and “clingy” to those around you who don’t share your relational style (and even those that do!) and the people around you will eventually get tired of being around. 

If you’re a Pleaser…

I want you to take the courageous steps of:

• Saying “No!”
• Voicing your opinion, however unpopular
• Setting and honoring your boundaries
• And being okay if people don’t like you and/or something you say or do. 

If you're interacting with a Pleaser I encourage you to dig a little deeper to get their real thoughts, ideas and opinions. Encourage them to challenge you, disagree with you or just tick you off. (Seriously!) Because ultimately you want to discover who they really are-not what they think they should be. 

I found a headset, that was perfect for my situation, on eBay at a good price and was very excited when it arrived in the mail. My excitement was tempered a little when I realized that there were no cushion pads on the ear covers, just the covers themselves. After wearing them for a bit it was clear that they could really use the foam cushions! Wah-wah. ​

Let me give you an example…I was recently doing some work with a vendor company whose CEO is someone I have known for many years and worked for when I first got started in this industry. She introduced me to a new team member like this, 

“I want to introduce you to Rommel. The interesting thing about Rommel is that while he can seem pretty mellow and quiet and just does his thing.... when he is on a stage he is an amazing speaker!” 

I’ve learned that my default relational style is what psychotherapist Karen Horney (whose work has greatly influenced my thinking on this) would call “Moving Away From People.” I like to refer to this style as “The Avoider.” 

I Need My Space!

What are some characteristics of those with the Move Away style?

They desire independence and self-sufficiency
May seem to not need people
May appear to be aloof, disinterested, and disengaged
They may need to remain as inconspicuous as possible
They may have a need for perfection and have a desire to avoid revealing any flaws

Is this you?

If this is you, I bet that you’re intuitive, observant and that while you like people, they can also drain you! If someone wants to know the pulse of what’s going on in your community, team, company etc. you’d be the person to ask, because you know what’s going on around you, even if you don’t let everyone know you know what’s going on! 

Dude, are you here?

The negative aspect of this relational style is that people often feel that you’re not present (physically or emotionally), that you don’t need other people, and can interpret your need for independence as being “stuck up.” By being inconspicuous and not always willing to engage, jump in, share your thoughts, you may also lose out on opportunities to be seen. I know this has happened to me many times in my career, as I waited for people to notice me, and experienced time and time again that people didn’t see me, or at least, not in the ways that I had hoped. 

As an Avoider...

I have been working on “leaning in” and engaging more…especially when I don’t want to! And, I’ve learned how to identify and communicate my need for space and down time from people, so that I don’t feel overwhelmed all the time. 

If you’re working with an Avoider, don’t take his/her distance as “proof” that s/he thinks s/he’s better than you, or is not a “team player” or doesn’t like you! And, try engaging the Avoider by inviting him/her to share his/her thoughts, ideas and opinions, especially in a meeting dominated by “Hammers.” Sometimes they just need to know that it’s safe to venture out!​

Are you an “Avoider?” Why do you think that is your relational style? How does it help you? Hurt?

At the beginning of my relationship with him, I constantly felt bulldozed by him, by what he wanted to do, what he felt we should do and what he expected me to do, and I did NOT like the feeling! At. All. ​

This person, who I’ll call, “Chuck,” is a classic example of what psychologist Karen Horney (whose work on relational styles has greatly inspired my thoughts on how we connect with one other) would call someone whose dominant relational style is to “Move Against People.” 

It was clear from the start of the game that something wasn't right with the Panthers. The swagger, the energy (some might say cockiness), the level of confidence that they brought into NFL stadiums this year was gone. The things that had worked all year stopped working. And when adversity arose, it looked to me like they didn't know what to do, or how to handle it. In the end, they didn't. 

Isn't it funny that we often go to great lengths to avoid adversity, pain, disappointment, and failure in our lives. Yet, as cliched as it sounds, it's the "crappy" that leads us to the "happy" doesn't it? It's experiencing pain, and the experience of leaning into and walking through the pain, and somehow finding a way to keep going on, regardless of the outcome, that enables us to become champions. 

If you watched the press conferences after the Super Bowl, you could see the extreme disappointment in the Panthers faces, especially Newton who kept his head cloaked under a hoodie and his answers short, not so sweet and then quickly exited the stage. His aura just screamed, "It wasn't supposed to be like this! We were too good." 

And maybe they were "too good" and that's what cost them in the end. (Well, that and the Broncos defense. Wow.) 

Sometimes a little adversity is a great thing ... even if it doesn't feel like it at the time. Remember, sometimes your greatest setback is the setup for your comeback!

These two different languages of communication that we speak is part of the reason why it can be so difficult to understand other people, and to be understood!​

Think about it-an Indirect Communicator really needs the people around him/her to read the non-verbal signs of what s/he is trying to communicate-which can be HUGELY frustrating for Direct Communicators, whose natural tendency is to rely on words and words alone!

The good news is this CAN be overcome, through taking the time to understand your communication style and understanding the communication style of the people around you. 

The bad news is in addition to communication styles, I believe there are also three distinct relational styles that we all have, that govern how we connect and engage with the people around us! And, just like with our communication styles, our relational styles can create problems as people with different relational styles try to connect with one another. 

If you’ve ever tried to speak to someone who doesn’t speak your language, you know how frustrating it can be! 

Over the next few weeks I’ll be talking about these three relational styles to give you a better understanding of why you are the way you are and why the people around you are the way they are. Knowing this will revolutionize the way you connect with others. 

Let me give you an example: 

Recently my wife and I were having a conversation-and it became clear to me that she wasn’t happy with how I was reacting and responding to her. The funny thing is I thought I was handling it very well…and according to my relational style, I probably was. But because my wife is wired differently than I am, it didn’t come across very well. 
And, as you can imagine when my wife wasn’t reacting favorably to me, it upset me, which derailed our conversation. 

Thankfully, once cooler heads prevailed, we were able to deconstruct what happened and much of what caused us problems was rooted in our different relational and communication styles. Once we came to that conclusion, we were able to resolve the tension….sort of. (=​

Join me next time to learn about the three distinct relational styles….and to determine which relational language you speak!

I laughed too. If anything magnified the difference between our two communication styles, it was this moment at Applebee’s when the waiter asked us, “So…how was your food?” ​

My friend looked at the waiter and said, “I’m sorry, but I just wasn’t that impressed with this. It had no flavor. I thought it was going to be a lot better and it wasn’t.”

To his credit the waiter apologized, made several suggestions to enhance the flavor, offered to have the chef re-season it to make it taste better, all of which my friend politely declined. 

Say What You Mean

My friend is a classic Direct Communicator. Direct Communicators say what they mean and they mean what they say. With a Direct Communicator you know EXACTLY where you stand at all times. There is no ambiguity. No confusion. No grey areas. It’s all black or white. 

I am NOT a Direct Communicator-which is why my internal mechanisms went crazy when my friend calmly but firmly trashed his lunch to the waiter. I can tell you that my natural tendency would NOT have been to do what my friend did-and I’ll talk more about the communication style that I have next week. (Tune in!)

Remember Lucy Van Pelt in the Peanuts comic strip? Lucy is another classic Direct Communicator. In one strip Lucy approaches Charlie Brown and asks, “Charlie Brown-do you mind if I tell you something?” Charlie Brown says, “No…go ahead.” (Why Charlie Brown, why?) Lucy responds with, “I think you’re kinda stupid.”

How’s that for direct?

Say what you want about Lucy, but you’d never have to spend a moment wondering where you stand with her! 

By the way…
I am not implying that all Direct Communicators are bossy or pushy like Lucy! My friend is one of the most personable, charismatic and friendly people I know-and he calls it like he sees it. And, quite frankly, there is a tremendous amount of strength and freedom in being able to speak your truth, isn’t there?

And while I am often in shock at what he says, I admire this trait in him and am working to be more direct in my own communication in many ways. Because I have discovered that most people would rather we generally say what we mean and mean what we say so that they don’t have to guess, wonder, probe, and investigate to discover what we really mean when we say something. 
If you’re a DC I do have one bit of advice for you though…

It’s okay to say what you mean-and mean what you say, but try not to say it MEAN! 

Next time we meet Indirect Communicators! (That’s me!)