The Relationship People's Blog

Finding the moving home mindset

noreply@blogger.com (Jenny Heath) — Thu, 01 Mar 2012 19:51:00 +0000

Following our failed attempt to sell the house last year, we decided to 'fall in love' with our home all over again and put off further attempts at selling for an indefinite period. We knew this was possible as we focussed on all the positive aspects of living in Landford.(Our clients will recognise this refrain of 'look for the positives' and the negatives will become less significant!)

We have a great relationship with many of our neighbours. This didn't just happen - over the 12 years we've lived here, we've put effort into community projects and grown our circle of friends and acquaintances
Our home is light, spacious and comfortable
We have plenty of different work spaces, where we can see our clients
We have room for our family to come and stay
Our garden is full of shrubs and flowers

What has changed?
We got so close to moving into a different space, a different environment and a different way of life that having it snatched away from us has left us feeling in limbo. We know we have to move. The house is too big for just the two of us. The garden takes too much time to keep looking lovely. And most of all the building society want their money back!

We want to spend more time writing, speaking and spreading the word about improving relationships and reaching potential. We are ready to hand on the baton to people who will love this home as we have. Who will see it's potential for improvement and who will settle into the village and be part of the community.

So we tidied away the clutter, polished the surfaces and refreshed the way each room is presented and called in the agents.

Estate agents
Selling our house has brought us into contact with a lot of estate agents. Do they just get a bad press or is their reputation deserved?

One thing that continues to surprise us is that we seem to have to supply the imagination for them. However we present our house is how they see it - and how they sell it. They do not appear to see the potential for change to suit different buyers' needs - or else they're just being very polite! This leaves us with a quandary - how much work do we do to make our home into an ideal fit for a particular model of buyer? The answer is we have probably done a lot of that work in the house. The garden, however, is another matter. It is full of mature shrubs and trees, which makes it particularly lovely in Spring. It's also hard work to maintain and provides a busy and full aspect, which most people cannot see beyond. Okay - 'overgrown' was one comment last year!

Are our expectations too high? Have we been seduced by the likes of Kirsty and Phil who escort potential home buyers around a whole range of properties pointing out opportunities to develop and improve? Who do we expect to take on this role? Can it be / should it be estateg agents?

In the end we make our choice once more, based on the individuals whose values seem most closely aligned with ours. Someone who, for at least a while we believe, will put aside their own commission targets and focus on meeting our goals for a speedy sale at a price that we thinks represents good value.

Sticking with the positives
We have already had two viewings, so the market isn't completely flat. Our price and the presentation of our house is attracting interest, we're told. So we must be patient for now...

A good night's sleep

noreply@blogger.com (Jenny Heath) — Thu, 01 Mar 2012 10:41:00 +0000

"I don't get a good night's sleep" - the common cry of the busy, the worried or the anxious and something we hear very often from our clients. We adapt and even cope quite well despite interrupted sleep patterns but are we aware of the short fuse it puts us on, or the impact on our capacity to deal with anything extra?

I'm often reminded of the school teacher who told us her story about her unruly class. 'The thing is,' she said 'there are days when they behave perfectly. Then there are other days when they play me up and we don't seem to get anything done. And how do they know to push my buttons just when I feel at my lowest ebb?' She was so worried about this she kept a log of what was happening and lo and behold, discovered the class always behaved badly on the day after she had a bad night's sleep. She paid attention to what happened when she was tired and decided to do something to change her habits - especially before weekdays. She's had much better behaved classes ever since!

Getting off to sleep

There is plentiful advice about creating a lifestyle that encourages you to sleep well. And more about how to cope when you have irregular or unsocial work hours. But what if your problem is simply that you struggle to drop off even though the conditions are just right?

I grew up with a mother who could sleep for Britain and with her as a role model developed a strong belief that sleep is just one of those things that happen naturally. My head would hit the pillow and within moments I was off in the land of Nod. To the annoyance of other family members I always woke up refreshed and with plenty of energy for the coming day. When my children came along I learnt the art of cat-napping - and soon found I could wake up refreshed after a half hour zizz on the sofa. I hardly noticed that other folk didn't have this wonderful 'sleep gene,' though I've always felt blessed with a good share of energy.

Unfortunately things changed around the time of the menopause. The hormonal trigger was, I'm sure, only part of it. I also seemed to have lost my 'worry off' switch and found myself going over things I needed to do, decisions I wasn't sure about and endless ideas that needed attention.

Rediscovering my Sleep Strategy

There is an NLP technique called 'modelling' which is a way of working out the beliefs which underpin a skill and the steps that are essential to making it work well. We use modelling to learn how a client 'does' their problem and help them work out how to change, or to model something more resourceful which they might want to enhance.

As we talked to our clients about their sleepless nights, I shared with them my strategy for successful catnaps. This was something I had modelled many years earlier. Just recently I asked myself why wasn't I using that same strategy to ensure a good night's sleep now? There is no rational answer to this! I guess I just didn't see the wood for the trees!

I enhanced my model with another little skill I have which is an unconscious awareness of time and a couple of other tricks I've learnt. I have been using my new super-strategy for a month now - and guess what, I'm sleeping much better again.

Do you fancy a go?

I have no idea if this will work for other people - though several clients have reported some success. Anyway, this is what I do:

Before I put my head on the pillow - and after I've given Nigel his good night kiss! - I check the time
I think about when I want to wake up and calculate how many hours sleep that gives me - I usually aim for between 7 and 8 hours - to the nearest 1/4 hour.
I put my head on the pillow, get myself comfy and tell myself silently:
"I'm going to SLEEP now for 7 3/4 hours and I want to wake up at 7.00 refreshed."
I might repeat the word 'SLEEP' in my head a couple of times. If any other thought creeps in, I banish it with an internal command tone 'SLEEP'.
I don't know what happens now till I wake up! I very often wake up once or twice in the night and use the bathroom. When I get back to bed I repeat the process - recalculating the time I have left.
In the morning I find I wake up pretty close to my set time.
I get up. Allowing myself to drop back off to sleep often robs me of that 'refreshed' feeling. After all I can always have a quick power nap later.
As I wake up I say an internal 'Thank you.' This is very important.
I have a strong belief this works because I believe it works. This is even more important!
It was the success of my cat-napping strategy that convinced me.

I'd love to hear if this works for you and any variations you might have on this theme.

When love goes wrong, who is hurt the most?

noreply@blogger.com (Jenny Heath) — Thu, 01 Mar 2012 10:18:00 +0000

Tug of War © Lyn Baxter | Dreamstime.com

There are plans afoot to reconsider the Childrens Act of 1989, with a view to giving children the right to see both parents after divorce or separation.

For a long time now, many fathers have found themselves separated from their children and unable to maintain a close connection. On the other hand many mothers have needed to safeguard themselves and their children from potentially abusive behaviour. As a result family courts have favoured custody arrangements where children are primarily with their mother. But are children missing out on their right to have a relationship with both their parents?

Maintaining a civil relationship

The thing is, if you have children together you are always going to have some sort of relationship with your 'ex'. We are parents of children who had to live through the breakdown of our own first marriages. We know how tough it can be to maintain a civil relationship with the 'ex', especially when every discussion also seems to involve money. Even so we bent over backwards to make sure our children had good contact with their other parent - and I'm glad to say our ex-partners did the same.

It was extraordinarily difficult at times. Things happen that you think are very unfair, or that have a continuing impact on your everyday lives. You can never quite forget the past relationship that you really want to put behind you, which makes it difficult to move on.

The toughest thing is to stop yourself scoring points and highlighting your ex-partner's failings to your children with some relish. This is asking the children to choose who is the better parent and is completely unfair. I'm not sure we were 'squeaky clean' all the time, though that was our intention. We were clear this was our divorce, not the children's. Their preferred option, if we had to split up, was for us to live next door to our 'ex' so they could be in whichever house they wanted!

In our current work as Relationship Practitioners, we are saddened by the number of cases we come across where parents who have custody do little to encourage continuing access for the absent parent. It is not uncommon to hear of parents (usually mothers) actively preventing access and 'poisoning' their children's views of their ex-partner. This is an issue we feel really strongly about and although we might understand about the impact of past hurts and the desire to punish, this is never a good way forward. What we see in reality is a child who misses out on one of their parental relationships and an adult who is holding back from their own healing, unable to move beyond their bitterness and desire for revenge.

Whose responsibility?

There is so much evidence that children thrive when they have good contact with both parents. Children need the certainty and unconditional love of their primary caregivers to grow up as balanced individuals. Depriving them of this hits at a core need all human beings have.

Why then do parents put obstacles in the way of their own child's future happiness and wellbeing? Generally because their own deep fears of lonliness and separation get in the way. Although we can all say "they are the grown ups and have chosen to separate", in reality the trauma of going from love to hate or indifference throws us back to being as vulnerable as our children. Living in the 'blame' culture of the 'civilised west' means failure brings with it loss of self esteem, loss of control, depression and illness.

Yet we expect the couple to behave in reasonable and civilised ways. The loss of strong attachment to our spouse or partner is bad enough. Adding to that the potential loss of the other most significant people in our life, our children, causes both men and women to revert to primeval instincts and engage in 'life or death' behaviour.

When we work with couples and help them come to terms with their own fears, this puts them in a better place to find a way forward apart, which is based around the parenting needs of their children. In our view parents do not have a right but a responsibility to make sure they agree arrangements which work primarily for their children. This might mean accepting the pain of less contact than they'd like and certainly means accepting there will be changes once separation takes place.

One of the stages of reaching an agreement over child care is to consider the different patterns of contact. Inevitably this focusses on the practicalities:

What flexibility is there around work?
Who will take responsibility for making other arrangements when something unexpected happens, such as a child who is too sick for school?
How will the handover take place - when, where and with whom?
Will grandparents get a look-in?
Are you both confident and experienced about meeting your children's needs

Such arrangements can and do work when there is good will on both sides. Keeping it going demands flexibility when the unexpected happens, or as children grow up and start to make their own preferences known. It almost certainly will need both parents to put aside their own hurts and from time to time actively encourage their children to visit their 'ex'.

Whose right?

A good arrangement is unlikely if either parent is prioritising their 'rights' to contact or if their children are seen as leverage in agreeing a financial settlement. How many parents in today's court rooms are insisting on a 50:50 childcare split simply so the finances can also be split evenly?

The proposed changes to the act are based on the premise that the child has the 'right' to contact with both parents, while the parents only have 'responsibilities' to ensure this is made possible. This seems a positive change to the underlying principles of what happens to children after divorce.

We hold out a hope that parents begin to prioritise their child's rights, paying most attention to what pattern of contact will give them the greatest sense of security, continuity and certainty that although their parents no longer live together, that will not stop them continuing their own loving relationship with each of them.

How to get to a good agreement

Some couples find this relatively easy. Others need some sort form of objective facilitation or therapeutic intervention to help them move their own pain out of the way. When we help couples arrive at arrangements they are both comfortable with, we ask them to start with an agreement that they both want what is best for the children. The next steps are always about teasing out the principles they hold important, so that they leave the details till last.

Details are always the most tricky part about any negotiation. We might delay discussing them till a later meeting because it doesn't help to rush things, especially when emotions are running high.

Please get in touch if you want help

in identifying what is important to you about your agreement with your 'ex'
or dealing with your own separation issues

How do you think things through?

noreply@blogger.com (Nigel Heath) — Mon, 30 Jan 2012 18:52:00 +0000

Offered a guaranteed way to make a million pounds -

Will you follow the plan to the letter or look for ways to improve it or do it differently?

How do you reason things out? If you like to stick to procedures and follow the rules, then given a sure fire way to make a million you will probably do just that. If however you prefer to keep your options open and find it difficult to follow rules and procedures then you are likely to take the less conventional route - and may miss out on the million!

What's your pattern?

Most people blend options and procedures in their way of reasoning. In relationships we need a bit of each. Living with someone who is at an extreme can present challenges!

How do you identify your preference and your partner's preference for thinking things through?
Ask a question like "How did you choose your car / house / holiday last year?"
What you are listening for in the answer is either some 'criteria' or 'a story':

An 'Options' answer will list the reasons:- Within price range; right colour; good fuel consumption; etc;.
A 'Procedures' answer will be a story going through the process:- 'We saw this garage we hadn't been to before and stopped to see what they had..' etc;.

If you are motivated by following procedure and also like to know the detail of things, this will be a very long story. If such a story is interupted it may have to be started again from the beginning!
If like Nigel you are 'options', 'big picture' and 'internally referenced' the answer will be "I just knew it was right!" (Check out other patterns to see how they work together like this).
For Jenny hearing this and liking 'procedures', 'big picture with detail' and 'externally referenced' this is not always quite enough information.

You might also notice..

Your partner drives you mad by always wanting to do things the right way. Or always wanting to do things a different way.
He or she insists on only doing one thing at a time. Or confuse you by always thinking of yet another way to reach your destination.
You like to start a job at the begining and keep going until you reach the end. You find that too boring and never finish anything, knowing your partner will do it for you.

Does any of this sound familiar? Does it cause friction in your relationship?

Let us know how you deal with your interesting differences or if it's all too much get in touch and see if we can help you communicate better.

May December Relationships

noreply@blogger.com (Jenny Heath) — Mon, 23 Jan 2012 12:35:00 +0000

The 'average age gap' for couples in a relationship is just over 2 years. Small wonder then that we all have an opinion when couples fall outside this norm. Whether you believe large age gaps can never work, or there are simply too many problems which come with the age difference, many couples provide evidence that love is blind and pays no attention to these concerns.

How difficult can it be?

There are four key factors that face couples in a May / December relationship:

the external pressures that come from everyone else's opinions and assumptions.
Are you able to laugh it off when other people jump to the conclusion that your partner is your parent rather than your spouse? Or does it make you angry or embarrassed? How many of your family and friends assume they have the right to have an opinion about your relationship - just because it is a bit different?
the fear that the initial attraction will wear off. There is a higher than normal risk of insecurity - based on entrenched ideas about what is attractive: youth, good looks, energy, maturity, wisdom, experience. Jealousy doesn't support comfortable, happy relationships
whether or not to have children. If your partner has children from a previous relationship they may have moved on from the instinctive drive to have children. And of course where they may not have worried about the age difference with you, they may be quite concerned about being too old to relate to children. This factor may affect the sexes differently, as women have a narrower time period when they are able to have children and 'waiting' may not be a viable option.
future health. Staying fit and healthy for your younger partner is a great motivator for taking care of yourself. However, nature doesn't always co-operate and maintaining the same relationship when one of you has greater health needs is an added pressure.

Staying on track
Like religious, cultural, social and educational differences, age difference is simply another difference - so of course it's possible to keep your relationship on track. In that respect a May December relationship is like any other - it demands commitment and effort!

Here are our top tips for enjoying your relationship to the full:

Talk to each other and keep talking to each other.
The one thing we all want from our partner is understanding. When we feel understood and loved by our partner, we are reassured that they will always be there for us. Acknowledge your age difference and talk about its impact on you, on the children, on your family, on your friends. Being open and honest about your feelings will keep you connected. If you face any of the above issues, make sure you talk about them. Come up with as many options for dealing with them as you can and open your mind to looking at things differently. After all you've already done that once before!
Live in the moment. You may have less time together than some other couples, so enjoy them to the full.
What are the key things that attracted you to each other: Friendship? Laughter? Shared interests? Above all else keep this aspect of your relationship intact.
Stay focused on the positives, so that you have less space in your head for the difficulties.

Is this the right relationship for you?
This is such a difficult question anyway! Very often a relationship is right at the moment. But of course what is meant is 'Is this the right relationship for the future? Will it last?' I'm sorry - there are no guarantees!

If there is an age gap that worries you, spend some extra time to check out why you are in this relationship. If it is age related rather than focused on the person you are with, your relationship may be at higher risk of breaking down.

If you know deep down this is the person you are meant to be with and they feel the same as you, then go for it. Other people's opinions have no place in deciding what's right for you.

Listen In

We discuss age gaps with Katie Martin of Radio Solent at 2.30pm on Monday 23 January 2012. Listen live on 96.1fm, or later on BBC IPlayer until we upload our recording.

What becomes of the broken hearted?

noreply@blogger.com (Jenny Heath) — Thu, 05 Jan 2012 12:25:00 +0000

There aren't many people who haven't at some time experienced the heartache of a breakup. Whether it was the ending of that first young love, or separation after a long time together, the loss can be similar to the feelings we have when someone close to us dies. Today I spoke to Alex Dyke and Laura Ansell of BBC Radio Solent about broken hearts. (Recording coming soon.)

It is real

There is a direct link between the way we feel and our physical health. If you ever doubted how extreme this can be look up Takotsubo cardiomyopathy , sometimes known as 'broken heart syndrome'. The good news is that the strong link between our emotions and our physical being works well in reverse too. If you are feeling low for any reason, notice how much better you feel if you take some simple exercise, like a walk round the block, taking in deep breaths of fresh air.

Why does it hurt so much?

The drive to have a life partner is very strong. Behind this drive is the need to know there is someone you can trust to be there for you. Always. Without judgement. With love. And all you need to do in return is provide that same level of support, care and understanding. When a relationship breaks up, the focus shifts to the gap that's left: the loss of someone to turn to who's on your side.

Doubts creep in, eating away at self-esteem - when you are already feeling low:
'I'm no longer attractive or he/ she wouldn't have left."
"It must be my fault, I'm not easy to live with."
"I'm not love-able."

Is there a way out of the heartache?

Yes.

Though not everyone takes it. Sadly Nigel and I see people who are stuck and unable to move beyond the hurt. Sometimes we can help. Other times they remain fixed in their belief that their happiness is entirely dependent on the other person.

We tend to use the 5 stages of the bereavement cycle (Kubler-Ross) as an indicator of where people are and what steps they can take to move forward. People can get stuck at any of the first four stages before they move to acceptance.

Denial

Breakup is usually difficult for both parties. There are not many people who enjoy inflicting pain, especially not on someone they have cared for deeply. The 'unsuspecting; partner is prone to shock and disbelief that this can be happening. We have helped many couples work through this stage and helped them get on the same page of understanding about the demise of their relationship.

Anger

Anger can be directed outwardly or inwardly. Initially anger is a useful emotion, providing the impetus to take action. Unfortunately it becomes destructive when allowed to stick. The way through this is to find out what is behind the anger and deal with that. I will be writing soon about 'What's behind the anger?'

Bargaining

Sometimes people find a half way point - an almost solution - that allows them to hang onto the past without properly dealing with it. People may negotiate to stay good friends. Or they may make a bargain with themselves that they will never experience this sort of hurt again. On the face of it this can be a good place to be. Unfortunately, it doesn't make a good basis for a future healthy and loving relationship. This stage is easily confused with people who have moved on and who are now able to look back on their past relationship, acknowledging what it gave them without bitterness or regret. We have helped couples be very clear about the boundaries they now need to have in place so they don't give each other mixed messages.

Depression

For some people this is more like sadness and is the beginning of acceptance that the relationship is over. It is often helped by the acknowledgement that what they are grieving for is 'the relationship that might have been'. It is no longer a real relationship. This is a time to explore internal resources. To list strengths and start to rebuild self esteem.

Acceptance

Although the end stage and much more positive, there is still work to be done. This is a time to reflect on what's important in life and to refocus on the things you really want to achieve. It involves a long hard look at the lessons to be learnt from the relationship and an openness to change.

If you feel stuck and broken-hearted, the first step is to accept that you can - and must - be responsible for your own happiness. This might sound simple and under-estimate the depth of your current pain. Give us a call if you need help with this.

Sex after 90, a useful tip.

noreply@blogger.com (Nigel Heath) — Thu, 22 Dec 2011 09:28:00 +0000

A good friend of ours recently lost her grandfather at the fine old age of 92.

It happened one bright Sunday morning in late summer. Her grandparents lived in a quiet seaside town two streets away from the church in a modest bungalow. Her grandmother, who is a sprightly 91, rang her grand-daughter on the morning of her husband's death to ask her to come round and help, as she was the nearest person and also spent many happy hours with her grandparents. With sadness she immediately rushed to her Grandma's aid.

Grandpa was lying in bed and looked very peaceful. “Oh Grandma” she said. “What happened?”

“Well we were enjoying our Sunday morning love making as usual” Grandma replied. Before she could continue our friend in some shock interrupted. “Grandma! Surely that's not safe at your ages?”

“Oh yes! We only make love on a Sunday morning and we use the slow peal of the church bells to give us a rhythm – in on the 'dong' out on the 'ding' “

She sighed. “He would still be with us if the ice cream van hadn't come round the corner!”

The slippery question of sex in later years!

noreply@blogger.com (Nigel Heath) — Mon, 19 Dec 2011 16:16:00 +0000

Imagine our surprise one day when visiting an 85 year old relative, who lives in a block of 'Warden Controlled' old peoples' flats, to discover a tube of KY jelly sitting happily next to her new laptop computer. We wondered if she had discovered some interesting sites on the internet or if the 'boozy evenings' that took place in the communal lounge had developed into something more!

We carefully enquired about the lubricant. Actually I said, “Aha! What are you getting up to now?” With a chuckle our wrinkly relative replied, “Because I'm on oxygen so often, my lips get really dry and ordinary vaseline doesn't help. Several of us here use this instead!”

The chuckle turned into a laugh as she told us about one of the 'inmates' who had been detailed to buy supplies on behalf of them all from the local chemist - a place where many of them go for their pills and other medical bits and pieces. This resident is physically fit but very deaf and because she has trouble hearing tends to speak in a LOUD voice.

Picture the scene as the old lady approaches the counter, brandishing three tubes of KY jelly. Seeing the startled look on the sales assistant's face she hastily shouts, “These aren't all for me you know!”

What would the assistant and waiting customers have made of this remark?
I suppose it depends on her imagination. She knew where these products were going: a residential complex of some 50 old dears with a few assorted men. What could they be up to, and was it still possible at their age?

Sex is a subject we frequently talk about with the couples who come to see us. It doesn't matter what age they are as sexual intimacy is important throughout life. At older ages it may not have the same athletic quality and frequency that younger people enjoy. Nevertheless couples devise their own ways of keeping close through intimate touch. We do our best to avoid 'advice' but for older couples always recommend lubrication as a great aid to enjoyment for both parties.It's now usually accompanied by this lovely tale.

Read the next blog about sex after 90 to pick up a few light hearted pointers on technique!

The Anniversary Card!

noreply@blogger.com (Jenny Heath) — Sat, 17 Dec 2011 16:10:00 +0000

Today is our wedding anniversary!

There was a time when we didn't pay much attention to this annual date. It was as if being married for the second time we both wanted to avoid any risk of repeating the patterns and potential difficulties which featured in our first relationships. Over time though this day has become more precious to us - 17 Years feels like quite an achievement and we're proud of it. Exchanging anniversary cards has become another way of sharing what our love means to us.

This year my card for Nigel has its own story to tell!

Between working together and living together Nigel and I don't have much time on our own when we can buy each other cards or presents. So finding more than a moment when I can choose just the right card is rather more than problematic. And of course I don't always think far enough ahead to make this easier. To be honest when I have seen and bought THE CARD well in advance, I've always hidden it away so securely that I've either forgotten about it altogether or I can't find it!

On Monday this week it seemed just the right opportunity had come up as I'd planned to meet another coach for a chat and a coffee in town. I could easily add a little card shopping into the trip out, I thought. But no! Nigel decided he also needed a break - and besides since I would probably be talking about co-coaching, wouldn't it make sense if we were both there?

So I rescheduled my shopping to the next day when I would be picking up a prescription and could easily pop into the local garden centre - they have a lovely selection of cards. Except when the time came, I had a million and one other things on my mind and I completely forgot!

On Thursday, following a tasty pub lunch with my Mum, we took her to the local supermarket. She also wanted some letters posting and Nigel volunteered for the Post Office run. He was somewhat surprised by the speed with which I suggested swapping duties. I desperately needed this moment to escape to the small arcade of shops! I wasn't overwhelmed with choice - but on reflection that's probably a good thing!

As I made my way back to the supermarket I realised I now had a tell-tale polythene bag in my hand which I couldn't hide in my handbag. I scurried back to the car, hoping I could find a spot where Nigel wouldn't instantly see it. I surprised him again as I approached from a different direction. 'How did you get past without me seeing you?' he asked. 'You must have blinked!' I replied, somewhat disingenuously. When we got back home, I secreted the card away in my bottom drawer. Phew!

The final irony was played out this morning, when I almost forgot to give Nigel the card! 'Oh!' He said 'You've just reminded me - I think I've hidden yours safely somewhere...'

What's the true story behind divorce statistics?

noreply@blogger.com (Jenny Heath) — Wed, 07 Dec 2011 15:57:00 +0000

While the number of couples choosing to divorce may slowly be falling, the statistics don't do justice to the amount of pain and anguish felt by the individuals involved.

People worry about the financial cost of divorce, the effect on their children and the wider family, the change of living arrangements and loss of lifestyle. In my view the greatest cost of divorce is emotional and in line with the loss felt on the death of a close relative. In this case the mourning is for the relationship that might have been. The thought we may never find someone to share our life with. For some that potential loneliness stretches out into a bleak future.

Listen in as we speak to Mark O'Donnell on BBC Radio Wiltshire, Thursday 8 December 2011 about this very topic. (9.15 am on 103.5fm or 104.3fm)

Playing the blame game

'Marriage is for life', we’re taught, otherwise why bother getting married?
So when it doesn’t last a lifetime, it seems only natural someone must be to blame.

Many ask:
Is it me?
Maybe I should have spoken up earlier?
Maybe I should have seen it coming?
Maybe I was too passive? Too busy?
Maybe I’m just useless at relationships.
They see being divorced as a badge of failure, bringing with it poor self-confidence and low self esteem.

Others take the opportunity to punish the other person – it must be all their fault: She’ll pay for the way she treated me….I haven’t forgotten what he said ….

This only escalates the anguish and gets me on my soapbox because it doesn't have to be this way! It is possible to reduce the emotional cost of divorce by encouraging people to realise that accepting help at this difficult time is sensible, is rapidly becoming normal and, far from failure, is a way of helping people to get back in charge of themselves and their lives.

Is divorce the only option?

One of the most uplifting aspects of our work is when couples are referred to us because they aren’t sure whether or not they want to separate, but do know they can't go on like they are. We encourage couples, who fear they are drifting apart, to look again at what they already have - because it may well be their love hasn't yet died and with attention they can bring it back to full health. There's no short cut to a long term relationship!

Life after divorce

There is a small window of opportunity for people going through divorce, when the pain they are experiencing leaves them more open to change. This is a really great time to rebuild confidence and self-esteem. Many couples realise they both had their own part to play in the breakdown of their marriage. With their eyes on the future they may also be ready to take action so they don’t make the same mistakes again.

Don't want to be one of the statistics?

Here are 3 top tips, which we focus on, when we help people get their relationship back on track:

explore what is important to each of you in your lives and in your relationship. Being clear about your values helps you identify the future you really want together, with an understanding of what you need from, and give to, each other
track the 'dance' of your arguments. This is not what you're arguing about but how you argue. Do you listen to each other, shout each other down, or storm off and sulk? Do you use 'trigger' words which are bound to set your partner off, when all you wanted was a response? Do you give up because you've heard it all before? Once you've seen the argument for what it is, it's so much easier to realise you've got caught in that same old pattern and avoid escalating things to the point of no return
listen so you understand each other. This is all about checking out what is really meant before jumping to conclusions.(We've blogged about Reflective Listening before. Do check that out.)

If any of this has rung a bell for you, give us a call on 0800 298 5938 or email us
Or take a look at our 1 day special for couples: 'From Drifting Apart to Getting Back on Track'

How do you know you have done a good job?

noreply@blogger.com (Nigel Heath) — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 13:55:00 +0000

I just know!

Someone tells me!

Here's the next in our series on filters, those things which help us make sense of the world.
One that causes some difficulty in relationships is when one partner is 'internally referenced' and the other is 'externally referenced'. Let's explain this without the jargon.

What pops into your mind when I ask you the question "How do you know when you have done a good job?" If your immediate response is "I just know" then you probably have an internal benchmark, set of criteria or referencing system that tells you. If you respond with "Someone tells me" or "I compare what I've done with something that is known to be a good example" then you look outside yourself for an indication - or reference!

We've talked about these behaviour and thinking patterns as a continuum. This one has 'internal' at one end and 'external' at the other. Many people of course fall in between the two extremes, perhaps taking on external feedback and checking it against an internal 'knowing' to get a match. If we don't get a match do we trust the external or internal answer?

Relationship problems and arguments are more likely when a couple find themselves at opposite ends. This can be because of their prefered, usual or 'default' position, or confusingly it can be context related. So someone could be internally referenced at work and externally referenced at home, or vice versa. Externally referenced when undertaking a new project and internally referenced when engaged in a familiar task, or vice versa! Despite this we will all have a preference for how we filter information through this particular screen.

Are you internally or externally referenced?

To know which way you tend towards, first ask yourself "How do you know you have done a good job?" If you're still not sure and you look for external information as well as check it out internally, which of the two answers you get do you trust the most?

Jenny and I are towards opposite ends on this one! Jenny prefers to receive 'feedback'. The external input can give her a new perspective on things she hasn't considered before. Unfortunately at times, this also makes her less robust if the feedback is negative and externally referenced people can come across as needy or indecisive.

I will listen to feedback, if I have asked for it and then check it against my own internal view. If there is a mismatch I usually ignore the feedback! Being internally referenced gives me great self confidence and the capacity to take risks others might avoid. Internally referenced people can at times come across as opinionated or arrogant.

What can you do?

Because, like everyone else, we treat others as we would like to be treated this can cause us some communication issues.When Jenny has done something, I need to remember to give her positive feedback. Negative feedback from me is more destructive than from anyone else because of our closeness. This may apply in your relationship too.

When I have done something, Jenny has a much harder task of getting me to see any 'errors or omissions' or even admit I need any external input!

I'm glad to say we have found a way around this potential minefield and only occaisionally set off a landmine. We have also put in place good first aid facilities to effect fast healing and repair.

A large part of this is in remembering our differences and giving the other what they want not what we want.

We'd love to hear from you if this pattern is causing mischief in your relationship and how you handle it.

If this sounds horribly familiar and you would like some help to sort it out please get in touch by email or phone.

Why do men bottle things up?

noreply@blogger.com (Jenny Heath) — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 13:33:00 +0000

The football world is reeling from the news that Gary Speed has taken his own life. His death has been a shock as the many tributes suggest he was on top form, with no inkling that anything was wrong. Gary Macallister was with him only the day before and said to the Sun newspaper: "Why didn't he say something? Why didn't he ask any of his mates for help?"

We've talked before about 'The Great British Reserve' that prevents us from admitting anything is wrong. Fear of failure and being ridiculed is a great driver for us all to maintain that singularly British attribute - 'the stiff upper lip.' And let's face it, it can serve us well - it gets us through tough times.

One of the positive things to come out of Gary's death is the increased publicity about other sports celebrities who have admitted their own need for help, which many have found at The Sporting Chance Clinic run by former England captain, Tony Adams. 'Coming out' and talking about the troubles that come from learning to cope with celebrity status, or later learning to accept that status and wealth have faded with age, or simply coping with life, is a positive step forward.

Why are men so vulnerable?
In fact men are brought up from an early age to hide their vulnerability. Gary Macallister finishes his tribute with ".....Laughing, joking, winding each other up. It's how I'll always remember my time with Gary Speed" And isn't that just how it is. While women empathise with each other's problems, men are much more likely to make fun of them. Laughing off the 'difficult stuff', focusing on what can be done, not what it means, is the norm for many men.

The 'Big Conversation on this morning's breakfast show on BBC Radio Solent asked listeners 'Do you Think Men Still Hold Back?' "Absolutely!" says Nigel. You can listen to his full interview with Julian Clegg, by watching the video above, when he explains what it is that makes men vulnerable.

Do men need to show their emotions more?
Well yes - and no. Part of the reason men are taught to keep their emotions under control is that male hormones like testosterone make them more prone to anger and aggression. Learning to channel these strong emotions is a necessary part of growing up in a civilised society. For example, if you are faced with a 'threat', anger can provide the necessary impetus to take appropriate action - as long as you are not so angry the response is way too strong. Unfortunately it sometimes seems that turning down the intensity on anger and aggression means the 'volume' of other emotions is barely audible.

Can women help their partners?
Women are more in tune with their emotions. Their brains are configured in a way which means the connection between emotions and memories are stronger and more accessible to them. This means that women are in a much better position to help their partners talk about their feelings. Of course this needs to be done carefully and with patience. Repeating: 'Are you okay?'or 'What's up?' is probably not going to get the right response, although it is a good thing that you've noticed! If you've had to ask the question, you probably know he's not okay or something is up. A better start might be to name what you think you see:
'You seem upset. Is that right?'

Extra note from Jenny: we too need to avoid coming in with solutions - we aren't immune to that just because we're women!

If he does want to talk, follow up with 'Is there anything else?' until he's got it all out. You can give him no greater gift than listening. Make sure you allow plenty of time for him to respond - don't fill in the gaps with your words, just wait.

But if, typically, your partner doesn't want to talk about the things that upset him, there's an even better way to teach him to be in touch with his emotions. Wait till you are next aware of something really positive: a relaxing day in the countryside, an exciting day out at a theme park; a proud moment when your child achieves something special perhaps? Then talk about how that makes you feel: I get gooesebumps at the back of my neck, a lump in my throat, a fluttering in my tummy.... And ask him what he notices. Is it the same of different? Is there anything else?

And suddenly you're off, talking about your feelings.

Let us know how you learnt to share your feelings.

The cushion plumper - a poem by Nigel

noreply@blogger.com (Nigel Heath) — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 09:00:00 +0000


Plumped cushions I'm not a cushion plumper I'm a cushion plumper's *son* My mother plumps up cushions and she does it just for fun! I'm *not* a cushion plumper I'm a cushion plumper's *friend* When I plump up the cushions they go fat, all up one end! I'm not a *cushion* plumper I'm a cushion plumper's *spouse* we've got plumped up cushions all over the plumping house! I'm not a cushion *plumper* I'm cushion plumper's ex our cushion plumping rows meant we never 'ad no sex! *I'm not a cushion plumper* the reason is you see she took the cushions with her and now I'm cushion free! Yipeee! *I'm not* a cushion plumper my cushion plumping's past no cushions on my sofa I wonder will it last? I'm not a *cushion plumper* nor is my latest friend I wonder if this poem has reached it's plumping end?

The Danger of Ultimatums

noreply@blogger.com (Jenny Heath) — Tue, 22 Nov 2011 14:37:00 +0000

"An ultimatum is generally the final demand in a series of requests. As such, the time allotted is usually short, and the request is understood not to be open to further negotiation."
Wikipedia definition

When you find yourself ending with '...or else' you can be pretty sure you've slipped into the trap of issuing an ultimatum. In relationship terms we call this 'pushing the nuclear button', as one of you says 'if that's the way it is, then I have no option but to leave' or ' unless you change, then we're finished'.

Whichever way you look at it there are problems with ultimatums:

An ultimatum is a threat. Even if the condition is accepted, it will feel like it has been imposed and therefore never really owned as the best way forward.
The person issuing the ultimatum must be prepared to follow through with their 'threat'. This means they could easily end up doing something they don't really want to do, or not doing something they do want to do!
The person receiving the ultimatum may tolerate it for a while, knowing it is not really meant, that it's just part of an argument that's got out of hand but repeated threats wear you down and there will come a time when they call your bluff.

Why do we issue ultimatums?

One of the downsides of escalating arguments is the loss of your ability to think rationally about what you're saying. If you don't feel heard, then you're likely either to walk away or to shout louder. If your pattern is to ramp up the volume or increase the stakes, then you may be vulnerable to issuing ultimatums. The trouble is once you've started, this easily becomes a habit.

What's happened is you've lost sight of the real reason you are so upset: your need to be listened to and understood . You may be able to change your habit of issuing ultimatums and find better ways to communicate. What is more important is that you and your partner look at the pattern of your arguments and understand what triggers the escalation of your discussions into full blown rows.

What can you do?

It's hard to look at how you row, when you're caught up in what you're rowing about but it can be done. This is best done at a time when you are not angry or upset with each other.

Take a virtual step back and ask yourselves: What is the most important thing you need from your relationship? It may be something like deep connection; mutual understanding, unconditional love; someone to be there for me whatever happens....
The aim of this is to motivate yourselves to achieving a positive change because issuing ultimatums is unlikely to achieve any of the above!
Identify what triggers your rows. It could be a specific word or phrase that always causes a problem; it could be 'when you complain', or 'when you tell me what to do', or 'when you repeat something', or 'when you raise your voice' ...
And then what happens....?
And then what happens ...?
And then what happens ...? until you have the sequence
Agree what you could call this particular pattern: 'our argument dance' or 'that loop we get into'...

The next step is to ask yourselves what you could have done differently to achieve a better outcome.

If all this seems a bit difficult please get in touch.

Give me the headlines - what specifically happened?

noreply@blogger.com (Nigel Heath) — Mon, 21 Nov 2011 09:21:00 +0000


Blue Rhodedendron

Here is our fourth article in our series about language and behaviour patterns. One of the thinking patterns, which seems to cause couples the most difficulty in their communication is the Big picture to detail continuum, especially if they find themselves at opposite ends of the spectrum.

Which do you prefer? Consider these two descriptions:

Our garden is full of rhodedendrons and azaleas.


Close up

The blue rhodedendron shown in the picture above is about 8 feet tall by 10 feet across and the flowers have a black tongue as shown in the picture on the right. We have over 19 dufferent varieties ranging from white, through yellows, pinks, peach and dark red. Most years they flower in succession from as early as March until as late as June.

Did the first sentence have enough information for you?

Did the second description have too much information, just right or still not enough for you?

Did the two descriptions flow easily for you, first to second?

Now try reading the second one first.

Did you get a 'physical' reaction?

Did it work just as well for you that way round? Even better for you?

Like all these 'patterns' of thinking and communication we each have a unique way of processing the world. A useful guide to how you like to receive information is in how you give it out.

Patterns may change in different circumstances

Sometimes the context makes a difference, so think about the last time you went on holiday. Imagine I'm just the other side of your computer screen and tell me about it.

Was it "We went to Bournemouth and had a great time."

Or "We had trouble packing everything into the car but eventually set off about 11.00am. We stopped for a coffee and comfort break about 12.00 and changed drivers. Due to traffic jams and inconsiderate drivers we arrived at the holiday park about 4.30. By then I was desperate for a drink and another trip to the loo. Our chalet was a four berth so we had a bit of an argument about who was having the double bed. Eventually it was us as we had booked the holiday in the first place. It's amazing how well set out these holiday chalets are. There was even a corkscrew and a bottle opener in the kitchen. Once we had unpacked we were at last able to sit down for a nice cup of tea."

The first answer is from someone who likes to give an overview or big picture response. They will prefer the same in return. Often once this has been done they will want more information, but probably not quite in as much detail as the second answer.

the continuum

The second answer is from someone who likes to get down to the detail. Often this requires a sequencing of the information. If you interupt, they might have to start again from the beginning. This person will feel dissatisfied by answer one and will need to know much more.

How do we communicate better?

Knowing your own and your partner's preferences is a first step to understanding why you sometimes misunderstand each other. The second step is to develop your flexibility to move along the continuum and use the language which is less natural to you. This will benefit you in all sorts of situations. So, if you naturally focus on the detail, remember other people might like a bit of an overview first. And if you only focus on the bigger picture, start asking what else your partner needs to know.

Let us know your patterns or the ways you find to communicate or not communicate.

If your conversations fall short of true communication, lead to arguments or hurt silences, contact us to find out how you can begin to speak the same language and help each other communicate in ways that will get listened to. Email Nigel and Jenny or call 0800 298 5938

What stops us asking for help?

noreply@blogger.com (Jenny Heath) — Fri, 11 Nov 2011 17:19:00 +0000

I consider myself a knowledgeable computer user. I've always picked up how to use systems quickly - and for the most part I enjoy 'working' at the various ways we communicate with people through online tools. Like many others, I also find it easy to be distracted by the wealth of new information that's out there just waiting to be dipped into. However, there's nothing worse than when your IT refuses to work properly!

I'd known for a while that my trusty laptop was nearing the end of its usefulness, so before it crashed on me, we decided to replace it with a nearly new PC, which had oodles more storage space and lots of healthy, refurbished parts! The laptop was retired and is having a better quality existence as a standby presentation tool when we want to look at things together on the widescreen TV!

Unfortunately the transition to the new PC hasn't been so smooth. In fact putting it on our small office network just highlighted problems we'd been having for a while. Nigel and I have long maintained that despite our comfort in using IT, technological developments always seem to advance one step beyond our level of efficient competence!

We soldiered on, investigating how we might resolve our problems and fixing one thing at the cost of something else which decided to stop working.

We knew we needed help...

This should have been an easy decision for us. After all aren't we always telling people not to leave it too late before asking for help with their relationship. We know the very real truth behind the saying: 'A stitch in time saves nine.'

So what was holding us back?

Well there was - and remains - the very real concern about costs. This is something our clients are also concerned about, so we applied what we say to them to ourselves. When we looked at the bigger picture, we identified our outcome as having a smooth running office. This is so much more than just fixing a computer and includes both emotional and practical benefits. This really put the costs into proportion. In the same way our clients consider our fees in the context of the unmeasurable value of a happy relationship, or the practical impact of an amicable divorce.

Deciding we would pay to get things fixed, didn't mean we'll just spend whatever it takes. Understanding our concern about costs, the contractor we found outlined a whole range of options - allowing us to remain very much in control of the next steps.

The biggest barrier of all was finding someone who could help us and whom we liked. Since we set up The Relationship People, we've talked to many IT guys: some have come on an ad hoc basis to fix things; some have come to tell us what they can do for us; none have really been people we want a long term relationship with.

And then suddenly we met just the right person at a presentation in Southampton. We immediately liked him. What made the difference is that he shares our values: he is generous with the information he shares up front; he did not judge us; he respects his customers and makes sure they get what they need. Best of all, when he came for his initial visit, he exceeded our expectations by getting stuck right in after a very brief scene-setting discussion.

Who is this paragon of IT know how? Our thanks go to Rupert Walmsley who runs ITC of Southampton and I have no hesitation in recommending him.

The relief

If you have experienced anything as frustrating as unfathomable computer problems, you'll understand the wonderful relief I felt when I knew the next time I switched on, everything would be working properly. Good bye to multiple Outlook files. Hello to reliable internet connection. Yes I need to develop some better habits - regular backups and culling old emails comes immediately to mind - but essentially I am immediately able to get on with doing the things I really want to do.

If you haven't guessed by now, this whole experience resonated strongly with me because of the similarity of process many of our clients go through before asking for help. I've often wondered if another barrier is rooted in our Great British reserve? But that's another blog! For now I've had a valuable reminder that it's so much better when you get the right people doing the right job.

Are you thinking with your head or your heart?

noreply@blogger.com (Nigel Heath) — Thu, 03 Nov 2011 11:12:00 +0000

King Arthur - played by Bradley James

We are avid viewers of Merlin on BBC 1 on Saturdays. The fantasy drama based on the story of King Arthur and Camelot. In the episode last week, called 'His Father's Son', Arthur is faced with his first difficult decision as King. Whether to kill a marauding neighbour, Caerleon, who has led a band of men to pillage the land of Camelot, or show mercy and use the opportunity for negotiating peace.
Arthur receives conflicting advice.

Merlin - played by Colin Morgan

His manservant Merlin, played by Colin Morgan and the hero of the series, knows Arthur has a good heart and wants a peaceful and prosperous land for his people, so urges him to spare Caerleon's life and show he is a bigger man by not joining in the bloodshed. Arthur is dismissive of this advice as he doesn't know, unlike the viewers of course, just how wise his manservant is.

Lord Agravaine - played by Nathaniel Parker

Enter the baddy, disguised as Arthur's Uncle Lord Agravaine. Agravaine has been advising Arthur on matters of State since his Father King Uther fell ill. He is secretly working with Uther's adopted daughter Morgana to overthrow Arthur and take the throne of Camelot for herself. Agravaine advises Arthur to' use his head not his heart' in matters of State and to show his strength by killing Caerleon. He knows that rather than being seen as strength, killing a captured man will be seen as a sign of cowardice. Arthur is swayed by the gravity of Agravaine and the argument of head over heart, so kills Caerleon.
Caerleon's widow, Queen Annis, vows revenge and musters a great army to do battle with Arthur and his Knights. If you want to know how it all turned out you'll have to watch the episode online.
Here's a link to the BBC iPlayer.

Exciting drama as this is it started me wondering about the difference in thinking with the head or the heart.

Neuroscience now confirms there is a major difference in the brain structure of men and women. (You may have guessed that already, but isn't it nice when science confirms things!) This shows that men have usually only one place in their brain for processing emotion. It's on the right near the top in the middle. It's possible or even easy for us chaps to turn off connection to this so we aren't bothered about the emotional impact of what we say or do. If we consistently turn off connections they eventually fade completely. The body and brain are very good at only sending energy where we can best use it. Conversly if we seek to engage this part of our brain frequently we will cause the connections to it to multiply and strengthen and have emotional intelligence more available to us.
Just for the sake of regularity I should mention that the typical female brain has somewhere between six and seven places where emotion is processed or accessed. Making it difficult for a woman to think about anything without noticing it's emotional aspect or connection. (Perhaps we men should listen to them more carefully).

So, Guys, how often do you consider major decisions, such as killing your neighbour because he has damaged your fence, using that emotional part of your brain, instead of the testosterone fuelled part that recommends a grisly end to the culprit? Maybe, just maybe, we can learn something from the wisdom of Merlin and his King, who eventually made the right decision.
What do you think?

Sameness or difference - where's your attention?

noreply@blogger.com (Jenny Heath) — Fri, 28 Oct 2011 15:50:00 +0000

Time for a drink.

Here's another 'pattern' of thinking, or 'filter' which we use to make sense of the world. One to look out for in yourself, your partner, friends, colleagues, people you want to sell something to, in fact just about everyone!

Take a quick look at the two mugs in the picture. What do you notice about them? Go with your first reaction.

You may say "They look the same to me with maybe a few differences" or "They are different. But on reflection I can see some similarities". If at this point you find yourself shouting at the screen "They are totally different!" then you are probably one of the 20% of the population who make sense of things by noticing what's different. If you are having trouble seeing any differences at all, then you may be one of the 5% who sorts things out almost exclusively by sameness. Most of you will be in the 75% who start by noticing similarities and then notice the differences.

What does this mean?
To understand the distinctions between these two patterns, we need to explain the extremes. Of course you will be somewhere in between!

People who are motivated to look for similarities in things are less comfortable with change and uncertainty, more likely to stay in the same job, respond well to instructions, enjoy timetables, agenda & structure, prefer routine and dislike surprises. If you filter for sameness you will probably be good at seeing how people and things relate to each other.

People who are motivated by difference notice things that don't match, prefer variety, take risks to discover something new and prefer to find their own way rather than follow instructions. If you filter for difference you are likely to embrace change. Living with someone who filters for difference can be challenging as their strategy of refining distinctions between things, concepts etc makes it appear as if they are disagreeing with everything!

With many of us sorting information in similar ways this 'pattern' only becomes a problem in relationships when your styles are very different - when it can be quite difficult to see the other person's point of view.
This is something Jenny and I have had to learn ways to manage. Jenny is drawn to sameness, with difference. I am drawn to difference and often away from sameness. Again this is context related, which makes it hard for us to assume what the other will do in all situations.We can be contrary and confound each other by not doing what is expected. We manage this by checking out assumptions, often using the Reflective Listening technique we've described in previous posts.

What's your pattern?
What motivates you about your next holiday? Is it returning to the same favourite place, where you can feel at home with the area you know and people you know, yet still find new places to explore and new things to do? Or are you looking forward to going somewhere you've never been before, doing things you've never done before, meeting new people?

Here are some question areas for you to explore - to identify if this is a possible area of conflict for you:

"Tell me about the last two (handbags, cars, houses, kettles, dogs, outfits - or other item) you bought".
You will probably get a list of the benefits or features of the items. Along with this listen for how they are compared or contrasted by noticing words like: alike, similar, both, keep, the same, different, unique, no relationship.
Especially notice what they say first, or if you are asking yourself, what you say first.
If you can't hear a clear pattern probe a bit further, with"What influenced your choice in the end?"
If necessary repeat this in relation to another situation becaus the response may be clearer in a different context

There are of course subtle variations and as with all 'filters' or 'patterns' this can be 'context' related. That is you may choose your next holiday by going back to the same guest house you go to every year (sameness) but choose your food in a restaurant by what's new on the menu (difference).

We'd love to hear what your pattern is? How about your partner? Let us know what you have discovered and what the implications of this might be. Leave us a comment below.

How is this helpful?
Knowing that 80% of the population are more comfortable with similarity can influence how you present things. For example, we live in a house with a quirky layout and chose an estate agent who specialises in more unusual houses. ('Character home' in estate agent speak!) The treatment of the particulars and advertising was therefore skewed towards people who like something a bit different. To be successful this strategy needs to appeal to both partners buying a house in the case of a couple. Not surprisingly the statistics showed many people choosing to look at our house details - and then not taking their search any further once they viewed the floor plan.

We all missed the point that our house is in so many ways the same as other houses in the area. There's plenty of evidence to suggest we would have been more successful in achieving vieweings if we had started with its similarities and then introduced its differences as further features and examples of its character.
We'll remember that for next time! It just goes to show how you forget to apply what you know as second nature in one context, when you are operating in a quite different environment.

Want to find out more?
We highly recommend Justin Collinge's book: Knowing You, Knowing Them, if you want to know more about this and other filters.

If you and your partner are having difficulty communicating and you don't quite understand why, then a session of couples coaching focussed on your language patterns may be just what you need to take the tension out of talking. Email us or telephone: 0800 298 5938

Life changing events

noreply@blogger.com (Jenny Heath) — Wed, 26 Oct 2011 17:04:00 +0000

Have you met someone who has faced a life changing situation and become a happier person as a result? I've been wondering for a some time about what enables some people to face life threatening illness, the loss of someone close or disability and come through it a better person? It's as if the event releases a life changing response that nothing else was strong enough to trigger.

What I really wanted to know was 'How can I become a better, happier person, without such a trigger?' How can I truly and naturally choose to respect others just as much as I look after my own best interests, choose to enjoy the present rather than worry about an uncertain future, follow the path to achieving my potential, rather than waiting for life to deliver up the goods for me...?

This has only been a thought at the back of my mind until recently. After all, life's not so bad and change on this scale could demand a lot of effort! And then something happened to make me pay attention.

I received a routine medical screening test for colon cancer. This is a self-administered test which I duly completed. I was one of the few people called into hospital for a further investigation. I'm quite in touch with my body and felt confident this further investigation would only prove my general health. And I was right. But I'd be less than honest if I didn't admit to an intangible 'niggle' that there might indeed be something to worry about. I spent just over three weeks focussed on myself and biding time till I got the result. The day after the hospital investigation, when I knew everything was fine, I woke up with a strange feeling. Pressed to describe it, I told Nigel I felt as though this was the first day of the rest of my life.

The first day of the rest of my life
We took the day off - which immediately set the day apart as different! It was the very end of September and the changing season seemed a good time for reflection. As we stopped for coffee, Nigel did something very special for me, which I shall be grateful for, for the rest of my life. He facilitated me in an understated and seamless way to understand more about what 'the first day of the rest of my life' could mean.

I cannot remember the journey he took me through - that's the beauty of skillful coaching - only that it seemed very natural and unpressured. What I discovered was a rich understanding of my need to be loved, cherished and appreciated. Not surprisingly this came out in the form of a metaphor or two! And this new perspective gives me a way to be a better, happier me. I'll tell you a bit more about how it works for me, although you are likely to have your very own 'system'.

Firstly, being loved, cherished and appreciated puts energy in my tank. This energy tank is filled with emotion: all the positive emotions nearer the top and the negative emotions nearer the bottom. Coping with things that happen in life demands amongst other reactions, an emotional response, which drains those positive emotions first. If I'm going to have a mostly positive response to things, my tank needs to be filled regularly and frequently.

Secondly filling the tank can happen in two ways. Of course it's great when it comes from someone else - and the second wonderful thing Nigel did that day was to realise thinking loving thoughts about me isn't the same as saying them! It was a tough moment when I answered his question by saying 'yes, I do need to be told more often'. For me, however, the big realisation was how important it is for me to love, cherish and appreciate myself.

Which takes me to my second metaphor. I have got used to expressing the more spiritual aspects of my life and purpose in terms of riding on Pegasus. In my metaphor, Pegasus, the winged horse, is a non-emotional being - with great wisdom and loyalty. The view from his back has always given me that essential 'overview' that stops me getting too bogged down in detail. This day I realised that I could trust any feedback from Pegasus as valuable and objective - the perfect trigger for me to tell myself how much I cared for and respected me.

Saying thank you
Pegasus also reminds me to say 'Thank you'. Thank you that I had a positive medical outcome. Thank you for the chance to enjoy every little bit of every day. Thank you to Nigel for his generosity in giving me his attention when it was most needed - and his love on a daily basis. And a big thank you that in the end there was no need to change my life dramatically - it's just been a matter of looking at things differently! the effect has been profound - and not just for me.

I wonder what might trigger you to reflect on being the best you can be? How has life changed you?

And if a little expert and kind facilitation will help you make the most of your life, then do get in touch or call: 0800 298 5938

It's nothing to worry about!

noreply@blogger.com (Jenny Heath) — Thu, 20 Oct 2011 18:40:00 +0000

When we're in distress it's natural to turn to our nearest and dearest for comfort. Usually we've learnt this strategy at an early age when our parents were always there with a hug and and a plaster to make us feel better. So why is it that sometimes the comfort we need isn't forthcoming?

How do you 'worry'
Different people tend to 'worry' in different ways so it's not surprising this issue crops up quite often for the couples we work with. If you've been following our BLOGs about language and behaviour patterns, you'll know that exploring your own and your partner's patterns helps you understand the way you both think and therefore communicate.

We tease my elderly mother about being a worrier. She worries about the big things in life: the situation in the Middle East, the state of the economy, how England will do in the next Cricket Test Series. As we encourage her to talk about these bigger issues, she'll often clarify her own point of view and after a while is able to let go of her worry - until the next thing happens! She worries also about her children: my brother, my sister and myself. But once again talking about the specifics - getting the worry said, so it isn't lurking inside her head to become A FEAR - allows her to put things in perspective. After all she knows we are all resourceful, independent adults.

A number of people we know have another strategy for releasing their worries. They like to be outside and walk off their anxiety. For them physical action is a precursor to coming up with the answers or understanding they need.

Many people turn away from worry. Simply knowing there is nothing they can do, is enough for them to ignore it and get on with life. '
We'll cross that bridge when we get to it.'

Myth - worry is bad for your health
It seems to me that our negative emotions have got a bad press. It's as if you are a lesser person if you show anger, despair, worry, fear, anxiety, sadness....(I could go on!) I have a different belief - I view our negative emotions as important messengers. They need and deserve our attention until we've heard their message. What is bad for our health is hanging onto them beyond this point instead of responding to the message. Learning to let go of negative emotions once they've delivered their message is a matter of developing new habits and this can take practice. It might mean developing a new strategy. Some entrenched worriers may need some help to do this. If this rings a bell for you, then get in touch or give us a call on 0800 298 5938

So what's the point of worry? People who worry are able to spot potential pitfalls in a project and tend to avoid making mistakes. Our recent BLOG on 'towards' and 'away from' patterns goes into this in greater detail, telling you how to spot these patterns and how they affect people. The people who naturally turn away from worry are very likely to be doing this because their attention is elsewhere. They are looking towards where they want to be and do not want to be distracted by anything that may hold them up.

How to offer comfort to someone who is worried
The traditional response to someone who expresses their worries or fears is to tell them not to worry. 'Don't worry, it'll work itself out.' Or 'it's nothing to be afraid of.' The intention behind these phrases is almost always to soothe and comfort. The result is often at odds with this intention and trivialises the worry or fear. There's nothing wrong with offering comfort -it just misses out a step.

The first step is about acknowledging the worry or fear as real. This needs to be done so that it doesn't lurk at the back of the mind, hidden and festering until it takes on a larger role than it needs to. If this doesn't seem at all natural to you, here are the sorts of things to say /questions to ask:

I can see that this ...x... has you really worried, is that right?
You seem afraid that ...x... will happen, is that right?
Is there anything else you need / want to say about ...x...?
Is there anything you want to do / want me to do about ...x...?
How do you feel about it now?

By acknowledging the fear or worry as real, you are empathising with the position they are in. This is different from taking their worry as your own. Finish with a hug if appropriate... there's no better form of comfort from your partner!

Let us know your strategy for dealing with worry

Do you move towards a goal or away from a problem?

noreply@blogger.com (Jenny Heath) — Fri, 30 Sep 2011 19:50:00 +0000

Number 2 in our mini-series on language and behaviour patterns continues our exploration of the different patterns that can either make or break our relationships. There are times when our similarities are important - when we behave like a matched pair of horses, pulling the carriage along at the same pace and rhythm.There are other times when our different strengths give us even more resources. Sadly working with this difference can be challenging, especially if we don't understand it!
This article explores the differences caused by our motivation to move towards a goal or away from a problem and tells you how to practise noticing either pattern.

Making decisions isn't always easy!
Sometimes we take the path of least resistance and let life carry on in the way it always has - until something motivates us to make a change. When we examine the bigger decisions we make in life, it seems the first step is often dependant on two factors being in place:

sufficient pressure building from behind to make us move away from the difficulties of the situation we're currently in
AND a compelling idea of the benefits the change will bring - something that motivates us to move towards a new goal.

For most of us, however, there is a pattern to our decision-making which betrays a preference to either move towards (a goal) or move away from (a problem). It's tempting to think that people who look forwards are more positive than people who look backwards but that would miss the point that there are advantages and disdavantages to both filters:

People who are 'towards' motivated are clear about what they want to achieve. They are good at generating new ideas, are prepared to take risks and respond well to 'carrots'. Many successful people are driven by a vision of what they want to achieve. However, there is a risk of making mistakes on the way

People who are 'away from' motivated are good at spotting risks and learn from past mistakes. They respond well to 'sticks'. They are aware of potential problems. Some very successful people are away from motivated because they have an overwhelming desire to avoid poverty. However, they may be vague about what they want to achieve.

How to find out how someone else is motivated
To put it simply, people who are motivated 'towards' tell you what they want, while people who are motivated 'away from' tell you what they don't want. Practise listening to conversations and begin to spot 'away from' and 'towards' patterns. With someone you know, who's willing to play with this, you can check out their patterns more thoroughly by asking a few simple questions:

What is important to you about ...? (eg relationships, family, children, friends)
Wait until you have 3 clear answers (along the lines of love, openness, loyalty...)
Follow up by asking of each of their answers:
What is important to you about ... (love, openness, loyalty)
(Be sure to use their words. Any changes on your part will change the meaning for them)
If necessary probe to encourage them to talk a bit more about each thing that is important to them. Notice that their pattern may differ across the answers. That's okay and just shows the context can be important - or they don't have a strong preference for either pattern. A pattern is only a pattern when it is repeated more often than not, so avoid jumping to conclusions.

What's normal?

We highly recommend Shelle Rose Charvet's book: Words that Change Minds. She goes into much greater detail about this filter and gives us the following information about the normal distribution of these patterns:

40% people are mainly motivated to move away from

20% people equally motivated to move toward and away from

40% people mainly motivated to move toward

What difference does this make?

If you and your partner have different patterns, it is very likely that you will approach the same issue in quite different ways. Understanding your differences will improve your communication and help you avoid misunderstandings.

If this article has struck a chord with you and you want to learn how to communicate more easily with your partner, give us a call on 0800 298 5938. (No charge to callers in the UK)

The simple clarity of metaphor

noreply@blogger.com (Jenny Heath) — Mon, 19 Sep 2011 16:56:00 +0000

Tim Farron Photo: PA

Quote from Tim Farron, Lib Dem Party Leader at the annual party conference 2011, talking about his party's coalition with the Tories:

"If it's a marriage, well it's a good-natured one, but I'm afraid it's temporary. I don't want to upset you and it's not going to happen for three or four years, but I'm afraid divorce is inevitable."

Describing the coalition as a marriage, immediately creates a metaphor for that relationship, which we'll each embellish according to our own experiences. We can imagine the highs and lows: shared moments of understanding alongside the frustration and slow realisation that the underlying differences are too many and too great.

We cannot help but use metaphor in our everyday and in this case not so everyday language. There is a richness to a metaphor that conveys so much more than straightforward description. Like a picture that is worth a thousand words, a metaphor makes use of our shared understanding of many common objects and ideas. In fact it's such a good way to explore what people really mean, we use it to help couples share a deeper understanding of what's important to them in their relationships.

Let's explore Tim's metaphor in a bit more detail.

Wedding Rings by Petr Kratochvil

Is staying together for the sake of the children a bad thing?

Tim Farron continued his metaphor by likening the coalition to a marriage where the husband and wife are only staying together for the sake of the children. Taking this rather more literally than he may have intended, we can ask ourselves: is this necessarily a bad thing?

Our view is that marriage based on these pragmatic principles can work as long as both parties' goals remain broadly in line. In practice the emotional disconnection and lack of shared beliefs makes the relationship vulnerable - though not necessarily unworkable. You only need one party to hunger for something more and they will start looking elsewhere to have their needs met.

Sadly, staying together for the kids doesn't always work as well for them as we'd like. Not only do they have a role model of a love-less marriage, they may also be aware that their parents are only staying together because of them and for some children this may be a burden in itself.

How do you make sure both parties' needs are met in marriage?

The first step is to understand your own needs and be clear about them. It is too much to expect that your partner will know automatically what you need or want from them. Having said that you cannot expect your partner to be the sole provider of your needs either. Sometimes we forget to take responsibility for meeting our own needs. Sadly we see too many people who have forgotten how to choose to be happy or fulfilled and choose instead to be disgruntled or dissatisfied.

Being prepared to give and take is a good starting place, followed by clear communication to make sure you're giving what your partner wants and taking what they feel comfortable with giving.

Virginia Satir

Can relationships survive differences in ideals?

"We meet on the basis of our sameness and grow on the basis of our difference"
Virginia Satir 20th Century Family Therapist in 'The New Peoplemaking'

When we first start a relationship we are often amazed by the similarities of our values and beliefs. Over time we come to realise there are subtle differences in how these ideals impact on our behaviour and our expexctations of how others should behave.

We cannot expect to have exactly the same set of ideals as our partner - after all we are unique individuals. However, sharing an understanding about our own and our partner's values and beliefs is constructive in creating a healthy dialogue about different issues as they arise. Being able to respect our differences and finding ways to 'agree to disagree' is key to nurturing a healthy relationship. Sounds easy put like that. Our view is this is one of the fundamental aspects of relationship that we must pay attention to. In practical terms it comes down to:

choosing what you really must challenge and what you can let go
respecting each other's ideals by listening to the point of truly understanding
accepting there are some subjects you will always differ on

Has this rung any bells for you?
Listen again as Lee Stone of BBC Radio Wiltshire interviews us on this very topic (19.09.11)

Get in touch - we use metaphor extensively in our practice to help explore deeper issues, differences in values, communication skills ....

How to make the most of a Mini Break

noreply@blogger.com (Jenny Heath) — Fri, 02 Sep 2011 10:26:00 +0000

Whether you're planning to relax in each other's company, to enjoy a city break, or an activity weekend, mini breaks are increasingly popular. It's almost like stealing a march on time as we squeeze in an extra treat, without all the build up of a main holiday. These are precious moments in the midst of our hectic lives. They often have a special significance if we've engineered time for just the two of us - which may add to our expectations that we'll re-establish that 'deeply in love' feeling we had when things were new.

What do mini breaks give us?

Whatever you want from your mini-break will vary with the type of break you book. You might want to be uplifted culturally, have fun or take part in an activity. When you go together there is always another agenda. What we don't want is to be drawn into arguments as we get anxious about the break drawing to a close, or as we think about raising those 'issues' that have been bugging us for a while. What we do want is to create memories of times spent happily in each other's company. Taking the opportunity to cherish each other strengthens our relationship, it builds in resilience against future difficulties and helps us work better as a team on the basis of our shared experiences and understanding of each other.

What do I have to do?

In my last blog, Holidays - Heaven or Hell? I gave you some clues on how to avoid disappointment and arguments by checking out your expectations for your time away.
I also gave you some simple topics to talk about which are likely to recreate those 'deep and meaningful' conversations. These tips are just as relevant for mini breaks - and even nights out.

Knowing you only have a short break and you want to have a positive and happy time together, be clear whether you really want to use this moment to resolve that 'difficult issue.' If that is the whole purpose of the weekend for you, then be clear that your partner is of the same mind. And remember - resolving issues demands as much listening as it does putting over your own point of view!

The last thing you can do sounds simple - and may take some practice. Very often we get into a habit of noticing - and commenting on - the little things that annoy and frustrate us about our partner. This is just a habit and habits can be changed! Replace this habit with a new one - make sure you look for all the positive things you love and admire about your partner. This is mostly a mindset which you can adopt, in the same way as having decided to buy a particular car, you start to notice how many of precisely that make and model are suddenly on the road! If you want some ideas for the sort of things to notice, check out our book: Let's Talk Love.

So how do I deal with difficult issues?
If you decide you'll leave difficult issues till another time, help yourself to let go of the negative emotions attached to them. You can sometimes do this quite simply by writing down all the points you want to make as a reminder to yourself. Put this 'reminder' somewhere safe where you know you can always pick it up later if it is still relevant.

Of course I couldn't let this opportunity go by without reminding you that Nigel and I specialise in helping couples deal with difficult issues! So get in touch and book an appointment if you want your difficult conversation facilitated in a non-judgemental, neutral way.

Holidays - Heaven or Hell?

noreply@blogger.com (Jenny Heath) — Wed, 24 Aug 2011 15:09:00 +0000

Having some time off booked in my diary not only gives me something to look forward to it also helps me maintain my equilibrium. I feel pleased there's a balance to my life. I enjoy my work - and I equally enjoy 'free time' with its lack of daily pressure.

Hang on a minute, did I say without pressure? I haven't yet managed to get ready for a holiday without feeling stressed: is everything I need washed? Will I have room for everything? Are the houseplants taken care of? The list goes on. It's almost as bad when you get back home, as you pick up the threads and discover an overgrown garden, an empty larder and 101 unanswered emails! It must be worth it though - look how we talk endlessly about those precious memories and experiences - of exotic or familiar places and quality time spent with our nearest and dearest - that we call holidays.

We're just about to spend our second long weekend away under canvas this month. We're really looking forward to it. And we're equally aware that the responsibility for whether or not it lives up to our expectations as a holiday rests with us.

What makes a good holiday?

There cannot be a single answer to this question - everyone has their own opinion and couples often seem to have completely different ideas. If you're going with someone else, there's one thing you can do beforehand to give it the best chance of being the holiday you want it to be. Avoid assuming you want the same things and ask each other:

When we are on holiday, what would you like to have happen?

For this late August holiday, Nigel and I have agreed we just want time to 'be'. For us this means time to read books, to walk with the dog, to enjoy good pub meals and to cook a hearty breakfast to eat outside. We'll probably fit in the odd game of scrabble or cribbage. We might find some folk to talk to. On the other hand we might not. Whatever the English weather is likely to throw at us on a bank holiday weekend, we now have similar expectations of what we want to do - or not do in this case!

And what sometimes goes wrong?

Incredibly the greatest holiday stress happens when people are actually away - supposedly enjoying themselves! When Nigel and I return from our late summer break, experience tells us we'll be busy. Too many couples find their close proximity on holiday has brought up issues they've never found a way to deal with. Add to that the potential financial pressure of paying for unexpected holiday expenses or the constant demands of other people or children on holiday with you and it's not surprising that holidays leave some people feeling more stressed than before they went away. It's a short step to deciding the blame must lie with your partner or your relationship. Give us a call if this rings a bell for you!

Spending quality time together
There are some practical things to be done to prevent holiday stress, like budgeting and deciding how to plan in some 'me time', even if it means sharing childcare duties. However, the most important thing is to put a little thought into how you will use your time together to recnnect at a deeper level. When we first get together we cannot imagine ever being bored in each other's company. As time goes on it's easy to make the assumption we know each other so well there's nothing left to talk about. THIS IS NOT TRUE! Here are a few questions to get you started:

What is your favourite view?
What is the best experience you have ever had?
What is your greatest achievement?
What sound moves you the most?
What is your favourite food?

Look up our Happy Relationship Quiz to find more things to talk about. Tune into BBC Radio Solent (96.1 fm) at 1.15pm on Friday 2 September when we'll be talking to Katie Martin about the pressures of weekends or nights away.

The Hindsight Generator

noreply@blogger.com (Nigel Heath) — Wed, 24 Aug 2011 13:08:00 +0000

Wouldn't it be useful to know the potential consequences of our actions before we do something we later regret?

How often do you find yourself wishing in hindsight you had done something differently? Me too!!
The judgement doesn't do much for self esteem and can often make apologising or attempting to put things 'right' a bit difficult. 'Responsibility' often carries the high chance of punishment or pain.

So I thought it would be really useful to design a 'Hindsight generator'. This would have to be a physical object, which would prompt conscious awareness of the potential mistake just in front of you.

From my days at school, when I was in the Combined Cadet Force the image of rifle training came to mind, as I remembered the need to line up the hind-sight with the fore-sight. It's important to keep both in view and line them up or the target will be missed and the shot could go anywhere and hit something you or I were not aiming at.

Having the foresight to plan for mishaps usually requires a good dose of hindsight from a previous occasion. This can be someone else's hindsight, fitted to our situation or our own hindsight, often more compelling than other people's mistakes.

The 'Hindsight generator', in my mind, takes the form of a water pistol. (Less lethal than a proper gun). This water pistol is however constructed back to front. That is the foresight is by the grip and the hindsight at the business end of the barrel. Squeezing the trigger activates the water and squirts cold water into your own eye from the handle not the muzzle. This is to remind you to take into account the possible consequences of the words or action you were about to say or do.

Should you feel this pistol needs to be pointed at someone else for them to have a good dose of hindsight, before doing or saying the 'wrong' thing, when you reverse the pistol to point the handle at them and squeeze the trigger the squirt of cold water comes out of the nozzle and still goes in your eye! Reminding you to think of the possible consequences of your own actions.

At the moment this is still in the idea stage. Should this be just the thing for you please put yourself on the waiting list by sending me an email and I'll get right onto making a prototype or two. In the meantime if you find you have 'got it wrong' again because of lack of hindsight in advance, remember 'sorry' is a very powerful word. More on ways to do this in another BLOG soon.

What refinements could you offer to make the 'Hindsight generator' even more effective?