By Nick Campbell:

If you’re not familiar with the term “Doublespeak” it basically means to deliberately disguise, distort, or reverses the meaning of words or any other communication. To say one thing while it means another. How? For example, when a woman drops that infamous line to a guy: “I don’t wanna ruin our friendship” which if you’re familiar with double speaking, you’d know this means there is no attraction. The burning question ends up being: Why not just keep it real? We’ve all heard the concerns–”Well I didn’t want to hurt his feelings” and excuses to that effect. But have you ever considered the hurt you will cause from not keeping it real? If you’re so concerned about his feelings, than it might be better to let him absorb that rejection under honesty not disguise.  Shouldn’t honesty be at a premium in today’s times?

Double-speaking can lead to a lot of confusion and honestly it’s not a good look. There is no fault in speaking what you feel, and most times a guy can take what you dish out. We’ve got the weight of the world on our shoulders, I think we can take a woman not wanting to get with us. We’re all grown and we can take it. And we’ll usually respect you for it. Especially when you’re honest with us and you can communicate that in a respectable manner. But on another note, the mad fear of the “friend-zone” must stop! Friendship is the one quality that will outlast sex in any relationship, especially marriages. Don’t believe me? Ask any married couple you know what holds their marriage together. At the end of the day it’s what’s left over and can stimulate  love better than anything. So let’s challenge ourselves to be a little more upfront and honest. Being honest doesn’t mean you have to be brutally honest. Being polite doesn’t mean you have to beat around the bush either.

Till next time TRP!

-Nic

By Nick Campbell:

Blow jobs, oral sex, Fellatio. All words that will stop a man dead in his tracks. Through out the course of a conversation or even an argument, those words will be the ones that stand out like a sore thumb. What is it about oral sex that drives men nuts? Well, let me correct that. GOOD oral sex, because all money ain’t good money as they say. I know some men who refuse to have sex with a woman without oral. His words to be exact “No Head, No Bed”. Is that fair? Considering so many women have similar rules about oral sex. The ladies like it just as much as we do, well, most women do. An interesting thing about oral sex is how the comfort level varies from person to person. There are some that refuse to do it, and there are some who absolutely love it.

It can be a natural talent to be really good at giving head, or you might need a little coaching. Either way you’d be surprised what this skill can get you. A happy dick can equal a happy man. I can assure you that when your man is satisfied down there, he satisfied up there as well. I’m just saying ladies, don’t be stingy on the head. We’ll take that over a home-cooked meal. It’s better than cornbread! Don’t believe me? Try it with your man ladies. The next time he walks in the door from work, instead of asking him if he wants dinner, ask him if he’d like a blow job. Wait for it…….

“LOVE IS AN EMOTIONAL EVALUATION OF THE TRIGGERING OF NEUROTRANSMITTERS IN THE BRAIN AND THE RELEASE OF NEUROMODULATORS‘

I recently had a conversation with some folks and one of the gentlemen described what love was in a scientific way. He went on to call it a ‘perception’, ‘judgement’, ‘evaluation’. I translated that like this.

You see a person and they are appealing to you, it triggers a chemical release in your brain that makes you feel good. You then associate the way you are feeling with the person. The feeling you get, is so nice, you want to keep it going, so you stay in that person’s presence. (Start dating)… So long as that person continues to exhibit whatever it was that triggered the initial  chemical release… everything is good. However, like any chemical reaction in the brain, you build up a ‘tolerance’ to having that chemical in your blood stream. So now you have to create stimulii to keep the level of chemical up. This is where the ‘honeymoon’ period is over and it’s time to start working.

Now you have to DO something to get that chemical reaction. So you think about what makes YOU feel loved and, quite reasonably, do that for the person. In return they will do it for  you and the chemical level will either stabilize at a point where you continue to have that ‘good feeling’, or it will rise even further.

Unfortunately it doesn’t quite work like that. What makes you feel good, isn’t necessarily what makes the other person feel good. ‘No matter what I do, it just isn’t enough’… chances are, you’re doing LOTS of things that you THINK a person would like, but not doing the ONE thing, that particular person needs. Worse thing of all, is that sometimes that person doesn’t know what it is either, so can’t actually tell you.  Where love comes in, is when the other person being happy, is more important to you, than you being happy. And your happiness is more important to the other person than their own.

Can you hear alarm bells ringing??? Am I seriously telling you to ignore your own happiness and just keep giving?

No, I’m saying we each have to find what makes us feel loved and what makes our significant others feel loved. When we have done that, we relate what we need to them and we cater to their particular love need. If your partner refuses to meet your needs initially, by continuing to meet their needs, might well soften them a little, and gently telling them how important it is to you and how it affects the relationship, might just be what that person needs to hear, in order to invest in him/herself. Because that is what we are doing. When we do for our partner simply because it makes them feel good, it has a twofold effect.

1. It makes you feel good to see the person you love happy

2. When a person is happy, they are more likely to give of them self, which in this case, is giving you what you need.

‘So, what happens if what makes them feel good is something I don’t like doing?’ – Ask yourself this, ‘do I love this person?’, ‘do I want them to be happy?’, ‘how do I feel when this person is happy?’ Now, ask yourself, ‘is doing this or that for them really such a big price to pay?’

‘So, what happens if I’m the only one doing the ‘giving’…’ – If you are the only one giving, despite having expressed your needs, then you do have to accept that you are being taken for granted; that the person you love, does not hold your happiness in as high regard as you, theirs. Sounds harsh, and sounds judgmental. To a degree it is. However, it is what it is. If you have expressed your needs, explained how it feels to you, what that feeling is converted into, in regards to your relationship and the other person STILL doesn’t even TRY to meet your needs. There is a problem.

When you or you partner put your own petty discomforts before the well being of each other, there is a problem. ‘I don’t like football…’ maybe not, but your partner loves it, and what makes her feel loved is when you spend time together sharing each others passions. If you were to go with her to ONE game in the season… that would be the one she remembered above all, because she knows you did that for no other reason than to make her happy. ‘I can’t cook…’ so what? your partner loves when you do things for him, if you were to learn how to make his favourite dish and serve it once a month… nothing would stop him making beeline for home to eat it, because he knows, you did it specifically to make him happy.

Women say, well if I have to tell him, it wont mean so much!

We don’t read each others minds, there is no prescription as to how to make someone feel loved. We each have our own needs. If all a man knows, is that his woman is female, he could spend a lifetime doing trial and error before he stumbles on what makes her happy. Why put him through that if you already know?  What’s so hard about saying, ‘darling, I like when you bring me gifts, the thought that you were thinking of me and might make me a card out of headed paper and leave it in the car for me to find… would make me feel loved.’ Or, ‘When you go fishing and find a really nice fish, clean it, cook it and make me a meal out of it, it would make me feel loved’ Or, ‘if you were to pick a flower out of Mrs Grant’s prize garden, and bring it to me, it would make me feel loved’… these are not things that he might ever have thought of doing and may even find it a little ridiculous… however, knowing you’d feel loved if he did them would inspire him to do it, and other things… if he doesn’t know however, is it really his fault?

Just because a person doesn’t know HOW to make you feel loved, doesn’t mean they don’t love you. If a person loves you and knows what it is that makes you feel loved… they’ll do it.

By Nick Campbell:

In discussing what a loaded question is, the best way to explain it would be to compare it to a land mine. A verbal grenade without the pin. Why? Because if the other person dares to touch it, you’re looking at a potential blowup. Those touchy subjects like how many people you’ve slept with are common. Also, complex loaded questions like the infamous “Where is this relationship going?” That could have it’s own theme music that plays in the background when asked. However, both of these potential landmines can be avoided. Not by simply dodging the questions all together, but rather dealing with them in an efficient way. The person asking should know WHY they are asking the question.

It’s also a good habit to communicate this reason, and make sure you’re able to put it to rest upon being answered. For the person being asked, it’s important to have an open mind and be gracious with your partners concern. Withhold judgment and be open and candid. Don’t take it as an assault on your character or morals. This is normally the trigger that causes the blow ups due to a loaded question. But it can all be a non issue if handled correctly.

Then there is the mother of all loaded questions: “Am I the best you ever had?” I implore you to use extreme caution on this one. If you are that person’s best you’ve got nothing to worry about. But what if you aren’t? And let’s say they do fancy your curiosity and say that you are the best just to defuse the situation. Would that be real? Of course not! And what if they keep it real and say you’re not…Then what?? So who cares if you’re the best or not? You’re getting the privilege of being with them right now so who cares who did what before you? Kick back and enjoy the ride..Don’t sweat the small stuff!

Till next time TRP!

-Nic

Moving on has to be one of the toughest things to do in life. Whether it be from the house you grew up in, the job you loved so much, school (I remember going to school after I graduated, just to see some of the teachers and watch the students enjoying what for me was the best years of my life.) Whether we walk away from a good situation or a bad one, there will still be a period of mourning. Be it a day, month, year or longer. Walking away from what you know, are familiar with is hard, even harder when it’s not your choice and it’s been such a big part of  your life for an extended period of time. One thing is certain… we HAVE to move on eventually!

Accepting that the situation has become part of your past is the first step to moving on. So long as we keep looking over our shoulders it will continue to be part of our now. The pain doesn’t get a chance to wane.

Filling that hole with positive self rejuvenation so you feel whole again, is the next step. Often the one most passed over. If you are not whole by yourself, you will never be whole with someone else. This is where ‘baggage’ starts to accumulate, the easiest place to put rubbish is in a hole. If you have a hole in yourself, all the negative feelings, mistrust, blame and all the other destructive thoughts… will fill it up if you don’t DO something about it BEFORE it happens.

Once your life starts to make sense again… you may want to try a new relationship, you may not… there is no right or wrong. So long as it is a case of wanting to or not wanting and not a case of FEAR. Every relationship is a new entity, every person you enter a relationship with, brings with them, their own flavour. To compare the new with the old will only result in ‘holding back’, which doesn’t encourage a solid foundation in a relationship.

How long all this takes will vary according to many factors, the nature of the split, how long you were together, whether children are part of the equation, the proximity of your homes, character and personality, how much of yourself you invested and many more. Every phase of moving on, starts with just one day, and continues one day at a time. There really is no rush!

I wish you strength on your journey

Basee

By Nick Campbell:

We all see things differently in life, well, actually to say we have different perceptions is an understatement. The very same woman that is drop dead gorgeous to one man, can be an ugly duckling to another. That hunky guy at the bar probably looks butt ugly to another woman. We use our own perception, and sometimes it can be skewed. Sometimes our perception can save us from a lot of drama, but at others, our downfall.

You could relate our perception to our instincts that we’ve learned over time. In other words our experience really drives our perception and leads us to a lot of choices we make. In terms of dating, however, notice how this can change people who normally wouldn’t be attractive to you. It can change all that through perception. Something about their personality or sense of humor for example, can easily change your views. Think back to a person you dated who may not have been your first choice. But yet, you dated them even though your friends thought you were crazy. That’s perception at work.

Our perceptions and what we consider real are challenged everyday. Take the example of a couple who walks into a bar or club: The woman is beautiful and an easy 10. The man she is with, a 3 at best. The typical thought of most people would be that the man is rich or otherwise powerful. And that’s logical right? I mean why would a gorgeous woman be with a man who is not? There has to be another motive right? Or maybe that’s just our perception and the couple could be truly in love. Either answer could be logical because of it’s subjective nature. And this could apply to a lot of choices we make in relationships. Is something that bugs us or bothers us really a problem? Or is it the way we perceive it? This is human nature and I’m not a psychologist, but I know people! Just something to keep in mind as we go through life. Things aren’t always what they seem.

Till next time TRP!

-Nic

This discussion is about the pressure to perform in bed and how we deal with it and the first question that comes to mind is who is under pressure to perform in bed and why – Men or Women. Both men and women can argue that they are under the most pressure to “put on a good” show but the consensus is that when it comes down to it, men do have more to prove when it comes to the bedroom. Women feel that there is more pressure on them physically and there is a lot of pressure that comes with looking good enough for their partner and feeling that unless a woman looks like a video vixen and acts like a porn star in bed, she will never measure up to her partner’s expectations.

Another aspect of the pressure to perform is looking at the preparation and the anticipation of two people taking it to the next level in their relationship. There is always a nervousness and it is important that each person manages their expectations and understands that there is something to be said for getting used to what your partner wants and needs in the bedroom as one size does not fit all. The consensus is that couples who expect to be together for longer than a week deserve to give things a chance if there were a couple of bumps in the road in the beginning. It could be that after having sex with a new partner a few times and still one of you feels that things could and should be better, is it possible that the 2 of you are just not sexually compatible.

An age old issue is how our own inhibitions and body image issues can affect our performance in bed. Even the celebrities and people who appear to us to have a perfect body have issues simply because no one is perfect. When it comes to how we look physically, there is a great deal that can be said for how sexy your partner makes you feel as well if you have self image issues. A person may be the bomb in bed simply because their partner encourages that and lets them know that but the same person can be a total flop because a different partner makes them feel like they are being judged or not up to par – male or female. Thinking on this more it occurs to me that we may over think our performance in the bedroom a bit more than is necessary. Of course we should make the effort to do our best and be the best but maybe communication verbal and non-verbal will make it that much easier.

-Dr G

By Nick Campbell:

Many things bind couples together, a bond that is built on common interests. Some people get it from the work they do. Others, their love of the arts. Basically, a common bond can be more powerful than sex or money. It’s what binds us and holds us together sometimes. Take the story of how the President met his wife, the fact that they both worked for a civil rights law firm. This is an example of a common bond acting as a seed meant to grow love. Even the most powerful figures in the world still have a common bond they share with their spouses. It’s not just the power and allure that keeps their partner connected, they could go without it. What connects them is just as important as to how it connects them.

The article about the two Tuskegee air pilots who met and fell in love is a perfect example. They had a common love of flying aircraft. The racism and adversity they faced growing up, would come to unite them; as they pursued their dreams of becoming pilots in World War II.

An interesting and maybe unorthodox example to how bonds are built: The couple who fell in love over a game of Words with Friends. Can you imagine how that courtship went? I find myself intrigued of how love is all around us, yet, we complain of its elusiveness. How can that be? It’s obvious that people are finding it all over and even in the strangest places. It’s something we’d be wise to consider, since our generation is highly impatient and at times unrealistic about what defines a good match. I can’t truly say we are picking our mates on potential versus looks. Character versus sex appeal. Basically, all the things that sustained marriages in older generations.

But these examples are simple yet effective ways of how we can find love if we open ourselves up to the possibility of love, and not to mention if we use the right reasoning. Next time, look for a common bond. You’d be surprised what it might do for you.

Till next time TRP! -Nic

By Nick Campbell:

With winter weather brings the rain, and for some of us that can bring out many feelings. For some couples it makes their romantic side come out, and then for others, the freak. How does it affect you? With rain and gloomy weather as the backdrop, the sounds of thunder providing the soundtrack, you’ve got a hell of a recipe for explosive sex. Get your favorite R&B record out and put your favorite bottle of wine on chill. Think back to those times by the fire place with a glass of wine and your lover listening to some nice tunes. It’s the essence of sexuality and leaves a lasting impression. But if you haven’t experienced it yet, I highly recommend you keep your eyes on the weather report and make some plans!

The rain also gives you the opportunity to make some great  memories and let’s you be very creative. Although it’s a bit dated and almost cliche, the naked under the raincoat trick is always a sure thing. Any man would be appreciative of that.  It gives you a good reason to break out that lingerie you’ve been wanting to try. Even though coming out butt naked in a dress shirt and cowboy hat always works.. The possibilities are endless when it comes to being cuddled up in the house while it’s pouring outside. If you really wanna go there, you could always take it to the car and really get the effect of the rain. Or if you have some privacy in the backyard, you can really let the rain hit you while getting busy on the patio. Provided that it’s some warm rain coming down of course! Either way, the rain and all this winter weather is the perfect setting for making love. Take advantage of it while it’s here because in the summer we’ll complaining about how it’s too hot to make love!

Till next time TRP!

~Nic