The Renegade of Junk

ISI developing suicide vests tiny enough to be worn by a fetus

2009-04-09T13:17:00.008-04:00

The Pakistani Inter-Services Intelligence (ISI) reports that it is carrying out research, the results of which are expected to revolutionize the field of suicide bombing. This groundbreaking research, carried out in collaboration with top Pakistani madrassas, is focused on designing a suicide vest small enough to be worn comfortably by a 6 month old fetus. At the same time, the explosives packed within will be powerful enough to cause the same damage as that worn by an 11 year old boy.

Commenting on this amazing breakthrough in jihadi technology, ISI officials said that the design of this tiny vest would result in a significant reduction in suicide bomber development cycle times which currently range from about ten to fifteen years.

"Old and outdated suicide vest technology required us to nurture, feed and clothe every single bomber from the time of his birth right up to his first and last mission, which could take years. The whole thing wasn't very cost-effective. Now, with this new technology, God's cute little soldiers can begin to blow stuff (and themselves) up mere months after being conceived."

Although most fetuses have been known to suffer from issues of defiance and independent thinking, manifested by their steadfast refusal to leave the womb on command and carry out a terrorist attack, it is hoped that watching religious indoctrination videos during their conception will lead to a new breed of fetuses that are aware of their martyrdom objective and better-prepared to serve in God's army.

Extraordinarily asinine observation of the day

2009-04-01T12:47:00.005-04:00

Comes to you, courtesy Glenn Reynolds, the Insta"Pundit" and law professor at the University of Tennessee, Knoxville, who says,

“I have a number of students who are licensed to carry weapons and I’d feel safer, not less safe, knowing that they are carrying on campus. I certainly would feel safer if some of my colleagues were armed, too”

Hopefully, it's just an April fool's prank from the venerable professor. But just in case it's not, he gets adequately taken to task at Gin and Tacos (via Instaputz) :

"Such a comment would lead me to question whether the speaker has ever stood in front of a classroom in his or her life. Since Mr. Reynolds clearly has done so, I must proceed to questioning just how profoundly this person is retarded.........Sorry. I can think of none other to describe someone who has stood at the front of a giant public university lecture hall packed with 150 sleep-deprived, emotionally unbalanced, substance abusing, clinically depressed, and stressed out 20 year olds and thought, “You know what would make me feel safer? If they all had fucking guns.”

Clueless in Bihar

2009-03-12T10:01:00.002-04:00

Via SearchIndia :

On March 5, 2009 Nitish Kumar took a rickshaw to go to watch the movie Slumdog Millionaire in a cinema hall. A posse of security personnel ran behind him for the entire stretch of over three kilometres..........Talking to the mediapersons he said that “I had heard a lot about the movie that has won eight Oscar awards depicting the life of the common man. I decided to take the mode of transport of common people to watch it. I wanted to relate with them.” (link)

Cognitive dissonance

2009-03-12T09:26:00.002-04:00

Chuck Norris, pro-America : Black Belt Patriotism: How to Reawaken America

Chuck Norris, anti-America : I want Texas to secede from America and I want to be President of Texas.

Fast forward to 2012

2008-10-31T13:37:00.012-04:00

Above : John McCain introduces his Vice Presidential pick for the 2012 presidential campaign to the country. Alyasa Howald is expected to energize the lactating female Republican demographic.

This is just sad

2008-10-30T11:40:00.004-04:00

At a rally today in Ohio, Sen. John McCain (R-AZ) accused Sen. Barack Obama (D-IL) of wanting to “spread the wealth.” McCain then summoned Joe the Plumber, who wasn’t even in the audience:

McCAIN: That’s only because Joe the Plumber asked [Obama] the right questions right here in Ohio. … Joe’s with us today. Joe, where are you? Where is Joe? Is Joe here with us today? Joe, I thought you were here today.

[CROSSTALK]

McCAIN: All right, well you’re all Joe the Plumbers, so all of you stand up!

(via)

QOTD

2008-10-14T08:32:00.001-04:00

John McCain, speaking in Virginia Beach :

"We have 22 days to go. We're six points down. The national media has written us off. Senator Obama is measuring the drapes. My friends, we've got them just where we want them."

The Beer Drinker's Presidential Candidate

2008-10-08T13:05:00.008-04:00

When it comes to presidential campaigns, I am an issues oriented voter. And similar to last year, the issue that is predominantly weighing on my mind is whether my presidential candidate will be able to transition seamlessly from his senatorial duties to those involved in being my drinking partner.

Now to tell you the truth, I not an American citizen and therefore, legally, unable to vote. But I am, however, trying to assimilate myself into the culture and electoral sensibilities of this country so that when the time comes I will be ready to take my citizenship oath in body, mind and spirit. Which is why yesterday, my only concern while watching John McCain and Barack Obama face off in the second presidential debate was, which of those two guys would be best qualified to quaff a pint with me. To fully focus on what was happening during the debate, I turned off the television captioning because I did not want "words" or "ideas" to cloud my judgment of their co-drinking abilities. And this is what my final verdict was.

John McCain would be a terrible drinking buddy. America certainly deserves much better. Now I'm not really a social drinker and I do most of my drinking alone sitting in a tiny room with doors and windows closed and all electrical appliances turned off but the foremost thought running through my mind yesterday as I watched John McCain try to make the case for being a great drinking buddy was, someday if I were to find myself stranded on a desert island and could choose one person not to have a drink with, that person would be Sen. John McCain.

I would definitely not want to be John McCain's drinking partner. Not if we were drinking at my place. That's because because Sen. McCain would probably pick up his drink and go wandering all over my house. Like he did last night at the debate. Did you see that? Whereas Barack Obama sat tight on a stool during his adversary's speaking time trying his best not to look elitist, when it was Obama's turn to speak, John McCain kept puttering all over the place like the Energizer bunny. I am not sure if he was trying to walk off an erection or an irrepressible urge to urinate or if he was merely attempting to prevent his leg muscles from atrophying, but each time the camera focused on Sen. Obama, you could see movement in the background and it was John McCain in ambulatory mode. So that's why I'm not that big on having John McCain over for a drink. I don't want him meandering aimlessly through my basement, bathrooms and closets with a glass full of liquid in his hand. I would have to follow him around just so I'm able to hear what he's muttering under his breath and he would probably crash into stuff and spill everything all over the floor and look unduly surprised on being informed that I do not employ at least five servants to clean up that mess.

I wouldn't want John McCain sitting beside me in a bar either. Mostly because John McCain doesn't seem like he is ever in a good mood. During yesterday's debate, John McCain spent most of his time looking extremely irritated as if he was vexed at why the American public was even pretending that they had a choice in the matter of electing him and were forcing him to share a stage with this gangly young communist prick from Chicago.And even when he smiled, you could see that right behind the curve of his distended lips lay sharp pointed fangs that were itching to break out and gnaw your face off.

Now when you're having a drink with a buddy in the bar, it is difficult for you to relax and forget your worldly cares and tensions if your drinking partner is constantly in the mindset of gnawing people's faces off. It introduces a palpable tension in the air and it is far from relaxing, which is why you're there in the first place. With John McCain at your side, you are always on edge because you are aware that at any given moment, you might have to physically restrain him from walking over to a neighboring table and yelling at some punk that he (John McCain) didn't get shot down in Vietnam so he (the punk) could wear that stupid shirt in public. And how about getting a haircut and a shower? No, those would definitely not be good drinking times.

But how about a scenario where John McCain would merely be in the same bar as you are in, not with you as such, but alone, by himself, perhaps sitting a couple of stools away? I pondered over that situation as well because I really want to cover all angles for this presidential election. Well, from what I saw yesterday, that could be a problem as well. John McCain, eyeing me from two stools over would undoubtedly take issue with me, probably with something I'm wearing or saying or my sports team affiliation or the fact that that I'm nursing a draft and not a bottle, you know, stuff that pisses off crotchety old men. And he would quite possibly pass a lot of snide remarks while conversing with an imaginary person, you know, something like what he did yesterday to "that one" guy, before walking up and asking me to fuck off because he'd been frequenting this bar ever since he was a kid and I was not from here and therefore, not welcome. That would spoil my evening too.

So, as a beer drinking person, this is my final word on John McCain as a potential drinking partner. A resounding no. As for Barack Obama, I am aware that he does seem a bit too knowledgeable about stuff and would probably kick my ass in an argument on just about anything, but what you have to remember is that he sucks at bowling. Really, really sucks. So at the end of the day, when you're stumbling back to your car after a night of drinking and bowling with the President of the United States, you will continue to be secure in the belief that you are a better, more accomplished human being than him, at least in the field of bowling, and that should put your mind at ease as you crawl into your bed and try to drown out the screams of your broken crushed dreams through soothing slumber.

And ultimately, isn't that what you really look for in a president?

The 2008 VP Debate

2008-10-03T09:06:00.021-04:00

Alright, since I'm the best political team on this blog, I might as well weigh in on what happened yesterday. But before I do that, two things. Sarah, being a maverick is kinda like being good in bed. It is something best left for other people to say about you instead of you saying it about yourself. And Joe, thank you for baring your teeth in a frightening fashion only twice during the debate. You certainly have a lot of magnificent teeth and they do need to be bared occasionally but you kept those occasions to a minimum and that was a good thing.

So that being said, Palin was okay. As expected, she was all verbiage and no substance. What was different from her past few interviews was that her words were leaving her mouth in the correct sequence with meaning attached. In this debate, she did not act like she had just woken up after a night of hard partying and forgotten to drink a glass of water for every vodka tonic she had. She talked fast and if you weren't paying close attention to what she was saying, the urgency of her delivery could make you believe she was saying something worthwhile. Sadly, she was not. She dodged a number of questions. Her answers were not specific. Where Joe Biden spoke knowledgeably about the sub prime mortgage crisis, Bosnia, Hamas, Hezbollah, Darfur and Pakistan, Sarah Palin spouted vapid, generic catch phrases like "corruption on Wall street" and "the white flag of surrender" and "love of Israel" and "opposing troop funding". Same old Palin, just that this time, she was at least offering correct talking points in response to the correct question.

Palin's lack of actual knowledge as well as the evidence of her cramming showed through. She looked like she wanted to get through the damn thing ASAP so she could get back to her hotel room and drill for oil. Seldom, after Senator Biden stopped speaking on an issue, did she look like she was eager to offer a repudiation of what he had just said. Most of the times she was content with merely delivering her memorized lines and getting on with it unless, God forbid, the moderator actually asked her to respond, in which case, her response was "...uh...I disagree, but let me bring up this stuff instead that's wholly unrelated to what we are talking about right now." The couple of times she actually did offer a counter-argument, it did not pertain to what was being discussed. When the topic was the mortgage crisis and deregulation, she kept talking about tax increases. When the issue was the bailout package, she kept babbling about energy bills. It was as if she was trying to recognize individual words and phrases from Joe Biden's narrative and quickly rummaging through her Rolodex of talking points to see if they matched anything in there.

On foreign policy, Joe Biden killed her. It was a thing of beauty and pathos. Palin didn't say a single thing we haven't already heard said a million times on television. If a 5 month old baby were allowed to watch CNN an hour everyday for a week, he would have done a better job than did Ms. Palin and would have been cuter. Joe, on the other hand, was informative, confident and detailed. Sarah Palin was reduced to throwing names around, names Americans are afraid of and that haunt them in their dreams. Ahmedinejad, Kim Jong Il, Castro. Ahmedinejad, Kim Jong Il, Castro. In response to the question whether a nuclear Pakistan was worse or a nuclear Iran, Joe Biden took two hundred and sixty three words to reply. Palin's answer? "Both are extremely dangerous, of course." Really Sarah? You think so?

Winner? Joe Biden was commanding, knowledgeable (or what television hacks like to call "professorial") and detailed (or what they like to call dull). Even though he had the serious disadvantage of being a wrinkly old man as opposed to being a pretty young woman, he did sufficiently well in the debate to overcome this drawback. The media will tell you that Sarah Palin succeeded merely by failing to tie her shoelaces together by mistake and falling off the podium. Seriously, is this what Americans have come to accept as success? Is this the vice presidential bar my metal detector just discovered buried deep underneath my foot?

I hope not. But let's see.

Update : More here.

Fist jabs and chest bumps

2008-06-11T11:21:00.008-04:00

Reading Patrix's view on the Obama terrorist fist jab and his mention of the Bush chest bump, it got me to thinking how the passage of time since 9/11 had dulled my own danger-sniffing abilities so much so that I probably wouldn't recognize a national threat even if it were to crawl up my pant legs, tear a hole in my pocket and lay the seeds of mankind's destruction therein. I also realized how important it is for one to watch Fox News regularly in order to stay abreast of the latest developments in how we are all going to eventually die of terrorism.

But since we are talking about Fox News, let me just take a moment to express my disappointment with Fox News, who has, since then, canceled "America's Pulse", the program that first highlighted the clear connection between two people exchanging a celebratory knuckle collision and the death of gajillions. Shame on you, Fox News. If you were weak enough to cave in to the objections of a two-bit liberal organization like Media Matters, how are we supposed to trust you to defend us from a potential Democratic president whose first order of business after assuming the reigns of power would be to deliver Ohio to Iran, Florida to Kim Jong Il, Louisiana to Hamas and Alabama to Massachusetts? How?

But back to fist jabs. Patrix commented how chest bumping is not a presidential activity. I am afraid it is more sinister than that. After having been reminded by Fox News on the serious implications that body-part collisions have on national security, I have realized that we have in our midst, an even worse threat to the US of A, called George W. Bush. To me, George W. Bush's chest bump spells out "Al Qaida" even more clearly than Obama's fist jab, his terrorist dictator middle name not-withstanding. To me, George W. Bush's calisthenics at the US Air Force Academy looked more like a Suicide Bomber Chest Strapped Explosive Pack Detonation bump. Obviously, a suicide bomber in the White House is a much graver danger to American national security than a terrorist fist jabber merely aspiring to be in the White House.

Where are you, Fox News when we most need you?

The Times of India does a Fox News

2008-04-03T09:21:00.005-04:00

Hindus (at least 10 out of the 800 million) are up in arms against the TOI's satiric depiction of Obama and Clinton as Krishna and Radha. It's not yet clear whether they are objecting to the TOI casting a black man as a blue deity or specifically Obama as Krishna or whether it is a more well-reasoned objection to Obama playing Krishna and being referred to as Osama (See red).

(via the Mutiny)

How did Huckabee make it this far?

2008-03-05T09:40:00.012-05:00

So Mike Huckabee, the final crazy person in the presidential race finally dropped out and now it can be safely said that the next American president will definitely be better than the current one. When I say Huckabee is crazy, it is probably an understatement. It has been amazing how openly insane this guy has been without anyone officially proclaiming him as such.This is a guy who does not believe in evolution, is a biblical literalist, thinks the legalization of gay marriage automatically means that we have to legalize bestiality and has said that AIDS affected people should be quarantined from society. He made an astounding statement which, in my opinion, should have resulted in an automatic one-way ticket to a lunatic asylum. He said that the reason the US is in need of immigrant labor is because the Americans have been aborting a lot of babies. So essentially, what Huckabee was implying was that the poor should keep producing low-wage babies so that the rich would not have to turn to Mexico for their toilet-cleaning and fruit-picking needs. That implication is so bugfuck insane, yet, no one appears to have given it the attention it deserved.

But most egregiously, Mike Huckabee publicly claimed to be counting on a miracle from God to help him sew up the Republican nomination. As in, he actually disregarded all the numerical evidence showing that he did not have a chance in hell of beating John McCain in favor of his hope that a miracle was definitely going to happen that would bestow upon him the Republican nomination. “Well I didn’t major in math, I majored in miracles. And I still believe in those, too.", is what he said. In layman's terms, it means that this is a guy who claims that if he were to win the presidential nomination, he would suspend his belief in 2+2 = 4. That is even crazier than hearing words from God and feeling His Divine Paws petting your behind in approval.

Seriously, forget the presidency, who in their right mind would be willing to hire this guy even as an employee, a guy who depends on miracles to get things done? If the CEO of some company made this statement, would the board of directors waste any time before throwing him out? Isn't the leadership of the free world more important than that of some company? What is wrong with the media? Shouldn't this kind of nonsense from a presidential candidate be scrutinized and given the amount of ridicule it deserves? Why did Huckabee even make it this far? Or is the fact that he is a man of religion absolve him of all his stupidity? But anyways, thank the Lord Almighty that this insane bastard will not be leader of the free world, at least for the next four years.

The next thing Mike Huckabee needs to do is sit down and ponder upon why he lost. Obviously the miracle he was hoping from God was denied him. Does the tremendous ass-kicking he received at the hands of John McCain mean that God loves John McCain more than him? Does his defeat signify that maybe God has different beliefs about abortion and homos and Darwin and everything else Huckabee has believed throughout his life? On the other hand, maybe this would be a good time for Huckabee to think about whether God even exists at all in the first place. In either case, Mike Huckabee should realize that as it stands right now, there is no way that Mike Huckabee's religious worldview is correct. Either God does not approve of Mike Huckabee or there is no God. There cannot be a third option.

Fox guarding the henhouse

2008-02-25T12:28:00.009-05:00

Via MG, we come to know of this statement by the Chief Justice of Karnataka, Cyriac Joseph and State Human Rights Commission Chairperson Justice S.R.Nayak, stating that immodest dressing was the cause of increasing crimes against women.

The Chairperson, State Human Rights Commission, speaking on ‘Human Rights and the Lawyers Role’, gave his opinion on the Mumbai New Year molestation issue, when two women had their dresses torn off by a mob of men outside a nightclub: “Yes, men are bad… But who asked them (the women) to venture out in the night…Women should not have gone out in the night and when they do, there is no point in complaining that men touched them and hit them. Youth are destroying our culture for momentary satisfaction.”

Alright people, are you with me here? Did your jaw just drop to the floor? If not, then you probably weren't paying attention. That was the Chairperson of the Karnatak State Human Rights Commission advocating the cessation of human rights. Call me greedy, but in my opinion, the right not to be imprisoned in your own house would constitute a fundamental human right. Or am I asking for too much? What next, a forest conservation commission chairperson blaming trees for getting cut due to their egregious act of casting shade and thus, advertizing their presence to illegal loggers? Or, perhaps in the eyes of the Karnatak State government, women do not constitute as human beings? Is that it?

Seriously, Karnatak, we gotta talk. Whatever it is that you are using as a criterion for appointing people to government posts, it's not working. What the fuck, Human Rights Commission Chairman S.R.Nayak? Do you even know what your job duties entail? Do they or do they not involve protecting the human rights of Indians? Here's a hint : The answer is in your fucking job title. And further, please respond to my question : Do you or do you not believe that restricting someone's movements to inside their dwelling is a gross violation of their human rights? Would you do that to your own daughter? Or your wife?

But hey, maybe that IS the problem with you and your kind. Maybe you do believe in enslaving the women in your life. Maybe Mr S.R.Nayak, you HAVE locked your wife in her bedroom, and are feeding her scraps of food from under the door, convinced that each time her body is exposed to the outside world, it is an open invitation for the world to violate it. Maybe your daughter IS languishing in exile in your basement, waiting for a time when she can be handed over to her next husband-owner-protector. Maybe even as we speak, doctors imported from Yemen and the Sudan are working on sewing her vagina shut in order to preempt the possibility of those demonic labia enticing some innocent male into violating the evil sanctuary they protect. Maybe every time someone looks at your daughter with lust in his eyes, it's another raw whip mark on her back. It's always the woman's fault isn't it?

But S.R.Nayak, here's the thing. It's not. And it is your professional responsibility to make sure that Indians know that it is not. And it is also your responsibility to treat every crime perpetrated on every woman with the seriousness it deserves. Stop acting like a fucking ten year old child with your juvenile standards of morality and decency and grow the fuck up. Or, if you can't do that, at least do us the courtesy of resigning from your fucking job. After all, Indians are paying for your salary and they sure as hell want to get their money's worth.

QOTD

2008-02-19T12:34:00.002-05:00

The Rude Pundit, on why Hillary and Obama supporters need to tone down the no-holds-barred internecine slugfest.

Passion in politics is goddamned great. It's like that awesome kind of sex where you don't know if you're fucking or fighting but either way it feels incredible. But you don't wanna slam your fuck partner around so hard that you break his or her limbs or rupture something inside. 'Cause otherwise, how are you gonna fuck again?

Brilliant.

Back

2007-12-03T08:12:00.000-05:00

Alright, looks like they released her.

Mohammed

2007-11-30T10:54:00.000-05:00

In support of the British teacher who has been arrested (and might be sentenced to death) in the Sudan for letting her students name their teddy bear "Mohammed", both my blogs will be named Mohammed. And just so that there are no misunderstandings, they will be named after the prophet Mohammed and not the pakoda vendor.

Also, fuck you Sudan.

Pakistan to open its doors to jihad-based tourism

2007-09-20T13:36:00.000-04:00

Following the release of a new Al-Qaida video in which terrorist leader Osama Bin Laden called upon his followers to carry out jihad against Pakistani President Pervez Musharraf, the Pakistan Tourism Development Corporation (PTDC) grabbed this opportunity to tout Pakistan's credentials as the world's number one jihad-based tourism destination.

In a press release on its new and revamped website (www.tourerrorism.gov.pk), the PTDC issued a formal welcome to the millions of prospective suicide bombers, IED operators and religious incitation experts willing to inject foreign capital into the cash-strapped Pakistani economy by making it their destination of choice. The Pakistani tourerrorism industry, which through its collaboration with its Afghan counterpart had till recently held a monopoly over jihadi vacation spending, fell into disrepair following the Iraq war and the subsequent maturation and blossoming of the Iraqi tourerrorism industry. But now, with Osama Bin Laden, the Godfather of tourerrorism, himself endorsing violent bloodbath in Pakistan as the next big thing, the PTDC is gearing up and getting ready for what promises to be a very busy tourerrorism season.

Tourism / terrorism analyst Laura Mansfield told CNN that while Bin Laden's message is directed at the Pakistani people, "the simultaneous release of transcripts in English, Pashto, and Arabic indicate the group is looking at a wider audience, including the English-speaking world." The PTDC, not content to merely stand back and reap the benefits of Bin Laden's commercial and recognizing the enormous potential customer base for tourerrorism in the developed world, has also released its own translations in French, German, Japanese, Tagalog, Swahili and Piglatin.

"Gone are the days of Western medical tourism", said a PTDC spokesperson. "People do not wish to travel to a foreign country to cure their own cancer anymore. Instead, they would rather go to a nation that would allow them to pour gasoline on a fellow human and watch him go up in flames."

This will make your brain weep

2007-06-19T09:14:00.000-04:00

Pakistani Religious Affairs Minister Mohammed Ijaz Ul-Haq on Salman Rushdie being knighted by the British Government (via The Daily Doubter):

"The west is accusing Muslims of extremism and terrorism. If someone exploded a bomb on his body he would be right to do so unless the British government apologises and withdraws the 'sir' title."

How To Support The Troops Conservative Style- I

2007-05-08T15:53:00.000-04:00

Right-wing pundit Dick Morris on why it is better for US troops to stay on in Iraq (via World o' Crap):

"One of the things, though, that I think the antiwar crowd has not considered is that, if we’re putting the Americans right within their (terrorists') arms’ reach, they don’t have to come to Wall Street to kill Americans. They don’t have to knock down the trade center. They can do it around the corner, and convenience is a big factor when you’re a terrorist."

What are the odds of Dick Morris having driven to his Fox News interview in a vehicle sporting a "Support the Troops" ribbon?

Anyways, this has been the first edition of "How To Support The Troops Conservative Style".

Patent application approved, Indian men to have exclusive rights over Indian women

2007-04-26T11:15:00.000-04:00

An Indian court has approved the patent application filed by a group of Indian men who were seeking to enforce their rights of exclusive ownership over all Indian women. This patent application was filed by a religiously bipartisan committee comprised of both Hindu and Muslim men after Richard Gere, an actor and American citizen, kissed Shilpa Shetty, an Indian woman, on her cheeks during an AIDS awareness campaign. This flagrant violation of a hitherto unwritten code which states that an Indian woman may only be touched, looked at, spoken to or manhandled exclusively by an Indian man, brought into focus the burning issue of patenting indigenously developed products to preempt their illegal usage by unscrupulous Western corporations or film actors.

This newly approved patent prevents or excludes any male from a country other than India from making, using, selling, offering to sell, importing and most importantly, kissing the product in question, namely, an Indian Woman™. Furthermore, each individual patent will have a term of limits beginning at the time of birth of the product and enforceable through her lifetime.

The approval of this patent has allowed the Indian Government to retroactively press patent infringement charges against Mr Richard Gere. Indian men all over the country, incensed with this blatantly illegal behavior, that too, from someone supposedly at the forefront of India's fight against AIDS, protested against the actor by Beating His Burning Effigy With A Stick™, also a recently patented Indian innovation.

New Rule

2007-04-25T11:01:00.000-04:00

Anyone who repeats the line "They (terrorists) hate us for the freedoms we have" will not be allowed to run for president of the USA. (via Sadly, No). Just like someone who thinks 2 plus 2 equals 5 will not be hired as a math teacher.

However, an exception could be made after the candidate reads a history book, any history book will do. Or even a newspaper. Or has a conversation on Middle-Eastern politics with someone who is not affiliated with the Republican party. You know, someone who is reality-based.

Hip Hop Artists to slap "female companions" instead of hos

2007-04-24T13:54:00.000-04:00

Hip Hop producer Russell Simmons has requested artists of that genre to henceforth refrain from uttering racially charged and misogynistic words in their music. Following the Don Imus controversy, Simmons took the lead in the African American community in recommending the elimination of words such as "nigger", "bitches" and "hos" from the recording industry, saying that these were extreme curse words, offensive to black men and women.

This call for voluntarily doing away with curse words is expected to result in a number of prominent rap artists modifying their songs and incorporating racially correct and gender sensitive lyrics into their music. For example, Dr Dre will no longer claim that "bitches ain't shit but hoes and tricks", instead, referring to the female of the species respectfully as a "woman" while comparing her unfavorably with human excreta. Also, the phrase "putting a nigger on his back", which describes the gunning down of an African American, will henceforth be replaced by "putting a black person on his back".

Mr Simmons said that it was entirely possible for African American hip hop artists to objectify and demean women in their music without having to resort to the usage of politically incorrect terminology in the process. For example, it would be easy for an artist wishing to wax eloquent upon his aversion to fornicating with obese women to do so without titling his song "fat bitch", instead calling it "I like my women well-proportioned". Likewise, a song documenting a rapper's gun fight where he riddles the calf, buttocks, back and skull of his enemy with bullets could remain faithful to its violent theme without including its numerous unnecessary references to the N-word.

In case an artist were to choose to continue using those words in his song, said Mr Simmons, they could either be bleeped out or replaced with silence, while leaving the rest of the sentence and its meaning intact. "Nigger. bitch and ho, these three words were the only things holding back hip hop music from achieving its full potential in this country", said Mr Simmons. "Their expungement will go a long way towards the introduction of gangster culture into America's family-rooms."

Ted Nugent in brief

2007-04-20T15:16:00.000-04:00

A brief synopsis of Ted Nugent's pro-gun column today on CNN:

(As translated by the Editor)

I will enumerate a number of instances where people with guns killed people without guns. Then, I will prove to you why the people without guns should have had guns. You remember the movie where everybody pointed a gun at everybody else and no one pulled the trigger? That's what will happen. As long as no one sneezes or blinks or makes any sudden movements, we should be alright.

If a large number of us didn't have guns, the Lord only knows how many more of us would have fallen to gun violence.

At an eighth-grade school dance in Pennsylvania, a boy fatally shot a teacher and wounded two students before the owner of the dance hall brought the killing to a halt with his own gun. Just imagine, if the boy's mother had owned a gun as well his father, then the boy would have been confused as to which gun to take to school, thus averting a tragedy.

We do not ban water, steak knives and ammonium nitrate even though they kill people. Similarly, we shouldn't ban guns because like everything else, they can be misused, their actual use being as a sofa cushion. And while we are on the topic, I would also like to purchase some plutonium please, thank you.

Guns should not be banned because banning guns would make evil people happy and if I see a single evil person happy, it makes me want to blow my brains out. With a gun. Which I should be allowed to purchase freely.

My right to own a gun is God-given. God gave me that right. I know that because he occasionally asks me to use it on people. But I blow him off by telling him I have a dinner engagement. Oh God, he's a naive SOB.

The only people who hate guns *cough* liberals *cough* are those who believe dialing 911 will save your life (it doesn't, it only calls up the phone in your basement). These people would like to see good people dead because it makes them feel good about themselves and these people are fanatics about feeling good.

And finally, the following is added verbatim from the column without editorial comment in the hope that its inherent irony is self-evident.

"Already spineless gun control advocates are squawking like chickens with their tiny-brained heads chopped off, making political hay over this most recent, devastating Virginia Tech massacre, when in fact it is their own forced gun-free zone policy that enabled the unchallenged methodical murder of 32 people."

Bravo, CNN, you have risen to the occasion and given off your best.

A Clarification (deleted)

2007-04-19T10:02:00.000-04:00

Looking back, I agree with Patrix and Bombay Addict that putting up a post to clarify the previous one was kind of a stupid idea on my part. I mean, if I write something and then have to explain what I just wrote, obviously I must not be a very good writer. Since I don't want to think of myself as a bad writer (I quite possibly am, but I don't want to hear that from me), I'll just delete this clarification.

But regardless, you should read this by Falstaff to understand the selective nature of human grief. It's that good.

Perspectives

2007-04-18T08:57:00.000-04:00

There is a massacre at an American university. Many people are killed. These are the routes subsequently followed by various trains of thought after their departure from their respective stations of nationality and ideology.

The American Conservative Train:

Hmm. could it be a terrorist attack? I wonder if the shooter was Muslim. Did the shooter selectively kill only Americans?

They say he was Asian. Well, he could still be Islamic.

So now the shooter was Korean. Do they have Muslims in Korea?

Okay, so the shooter wasn't a Muslim. But I am sure this episode showed the Islamic terrorists how easy it is to kill Americans.

They say the killer was an immigrant student on an F-1 visa. Just like those terrorists on 9/11. Why are we letting these students into our country again?

It's now clear that he was not on an F-1 visa and actually grew up in the US. It still doesn't invalidate the original point that we shouldn't be letting these foreigners into our country.

Hey, how about the Ismail Ax thing on his arm? Maybe we should continue to explore the Muslim angle.

You know, the fundamental problem with this country is that more people do not own guns. If everyone were allowed to shoot everyone else, maybe less innocent people would be killed.

The American Liberal Train :

You know, the fundamental problem with this country is all those guns.

Yes, this is a tragedy. But nothing compared to what's happening in Iraq right now.

I am sure Bush won't waste a minute in running to the scene and giving a speech.

Look look, there he goes.

I wonder if he's gonna somehow find a way to link the shooting with 9/11.

The Indian Train :

Hmm. It happened in a university. A place where there are many Indians. I wonder if any Indians died in the shooting.

They say the shooter was Asian. Could he be.....Indian? I hope not.

It appears that he was on an F1 visa. I bet the anti-immigration lobby seizes this opportunity to badmouth immigration and immigrants.

So he was Korean. Are Americans smart enough to know the difference between India and Korea?

I wonder how that Chinese-looking guy in my gym feels about all this. I wonder if people look at him differently wherever he goes now. God, I am sure glad the shooter wasn't Indian.

I really feel sad for all the Indians who died.

The American Neocon Train:

The Israeli professor who was killed in the shooting, threw himself at the gunman to save his students' lives. On the other hand, the Palestinian student who filmed the killings on camera didn't save any lives and compared the tragedy to the violence in the occupied territories. Just goes to show.

The Chinese Train:

You people like your guns way too much.

The Rest of the World Train:

Basically what the Chinese said. And also, such things would never happen in our country. Hunger, poverty, riots, crime yes. School shootings no.

Nothing quite brings the world together like a tragedy now, does it?