The Reset Button

TBD

2011-12-03T17:23:00.000-08:00

Entroducing a Major League Baseball-UFC Hybrid

2011-11-21T08:26:00.000-08:00

Thought. Major League Baseball has long suffered the stigma of being an old person's sport, seemingly without the action or intrigue to attract "the millennials". In an effort to combat this, there is potential to strike up a deal with Dana White and the UFC, and hold an off-season 10 match "super card" that pits the stars of MLB against one another in MMA-style battles. The event could take place outside in one of MLB's more climate appropriate stadiums (I'm thinking The Ballpark at Arlington or Chase Field and help bridge the gap of the long offseason.

I'm sure Michael Weiner and the Major League Baseball Players Association would TOTALLY sign off on this. I mean, it's not like there'd be any liability issues or anything?!?

Sure. Yes. Neat.

Here is a prospective first year card...

CC Sabathia (Age: 31, Height: 6'7", Weight: 290 lb) vs Prince Fielder (Age: 27, Height: 5'11", Weight: 275 lb)

Analysis: The ultimate super heavyweight tilt that you could hope for in MLB. Huge contracts! Superstar profiles! Midriff bulge! Yes, it would mean we'd have to see the lumpy Prince in board shorts (barf!) but this could be the Andre the Giant vs Big John Studd for a new generation if marketed correctly. Epic in size, scale and appetite.
Verdict: CC

Tim Lincecum (Age: 27, Height: 5'11", Weight: 165 lb) vs Dustin Pedroia (Age: 28, Height: 5'9", Weight: 180 lb)

Analysis: On the other end of the spectrum, these two pint-sized superstars would very much like to put up their dukes, defending the honour of San Francisco and Boston respective. Honestly, I'm not sure how The Freak would do in the octagon, since he's just a "widdle guy" plus he's confessed a healthy appetite for the weed, which'd impact reaction times, etc. Pedroia is damn aggressive too. This one is easy to call.
Verdict: Dustin, quickly

Chris Carpenter (Age: 36, Height: 6' 6", Weight: 230 lb) vs Zack Greinke (Age: 28, Height: 6' 2", Weight: 190 lb)

Analysis: Milwaukee-St Louis is probably the best rivalry in MLB at the moment and I loved when these two had a war of words in the press during the post-season. In one corner, you have a lanky dude from New England with a cranky personality. In the other, you have the athletically gifted but mentally unsound enigma. Fascinating on a number of levels, especially when you consider that Carpenter's height advantage might be negated by Greinke's age and the fact he is a bit bipolar. Honestly, I would love to see these two beat on each other.
Verdict: Greinke but only by a slim margin

Brian Wilson (Age: 29, Height: 6'2", Weight: 205 lb) vs Jonathan Papelbon (Age: 30, Height: 6'4", Weight: 225 lb)

Analysis: Probably the two most annoying closers in MLB and now that JP has joined the Phillies, perhaps they'll get more opportunities to cross paths both on the diamond and off. Wilson tries way too hard to be a flake while Papelbon tries way too hard to be menacing... and has bad hair.
Verdict: Papelbon

Milton Bradley (Age: 33, Height: 6'0", Weight: 215 lb) vs Nyjer Morgan (Age: 31, Height: 6'0", Weight: 175 lb)

Analysis: Oh yes! These guys are both insane and would completely kick the (crap) out of one another. Bradley has a considerable weight advantage but is also very injury prone--his torn ACL was easily one of the most ridiculous sports injuries of the past 10 years. Morgan is probably angrier at this point in time, too. Another factor.
Verdict: Morgan in a surprisingly one-sided bust-up

Desmond Jennings (Age: 25, Height: 6'2", Weight: 200 lb) vs Brett Lawrie (Age: 21, Height: 6'0", Weight: 215 lb)

Analysis: In this service time spectacular, these two mid year 2011 rookies do battle in a match just oozing with swag. Honestly, this fight would be tremendous and would likely involve name callin' and showboatin'.
Verdict: Lawrie... or Jennings... I'm stumped

Rich Harden (Age: 29, Height: 6' 1", Weight: 195 lb) vs Erik Bedard (Age: 32, Height: 6' 1", Weight: 200 lb)

Analysis: Two ambulances would be waiting out back, as both these injury prone Canadians would no doubt be leaving the stadium in body bags. I mean, seriously, neither hurler can stay healthy enough to make it through a full MLB season so how are their weary bones and ligaments gonna react to the grind of an MMA bout? Badly. That's how.
Verdict: Harden by default, when Bedard trips in the ring steps and tears his left shoulder up again

Alex Rodriguez (Age: 36, Height: 6' 3", Weight: 230 lb) vs R.A. Dickey (Age: 37, Height: 6' 2", Weight: 220 lb)

Analysis: The Yankees-Mets rivalry has gone cold in recent years and this fight would really represent where both franchises are at circa right now. The Yanks would send arguably the greatest player of all-time and one of MLB's most familiar faces. The Mets would send a 30-something knuckleballer picked off the scrap heap. That being said, this could be a good underdog story and you shouldn't ever sell somebody with the last name Dickey short--he's probably been fighting to defend the honour of his last name his entire life.
Verdict: A-Rod although it'd be surprisingly close

Tim Wakefield (Age: 45, Height: 6'2", Weight: 210 lb) vs Omar Vizquel (Age: 44, Height: 5'9", Weight: 180 lb)

Analysis: The two oldest players in MLB, one of whom (Wakefield) didn't really seem like an athlete to begin with. It'd be fun if this was a chessboxing-esque hybrid where the twosomes started things out by debating health care reform (Nancy Pelosi could moderate) and then had a rousing fist fight, showing that the mid 40s really is the new early 40s.
Verdict: "Omar comin'!!!"

Nolan Ryan (Age: 64, Height: 6'2", Weight: 170 lb) vs Robin Ventura (Age: 44, Height: 6'1", Weight: 185 lb)

Analysis: Celebrating the 20 year anniversary of one of MLB's most famous fights, Nolan Ryan and Robin Ventura would have at it, as the assembled crowd chants, "One more time! One more time!" To up the ante and put something of a WWE spin on things, maybe Nolan would loose control of the Texas Rangers is he is defeated while Robin would immediately be fired from his freshly minted role as manager of the Chicago White Sox. Stakes is high, sons!
Verdict: Robin Ventura, in the ultimate act of comeuppance (via punching)

The Banishment of Archie "Snake" Simpson

2011-11-15T17:39:00.000-08:00

A companion piece to The Emanicipation of Derek "Wheels" Wheeler, nothing bad ever seemed to happen to Wheels' co-best buddy Snake... or did it?!?

Sure, he was far less afflicted than most of his colleagues at Degrassi but that didn't mean that Snake wasn't devastated with some regularity.

Here is a peek at 10 moments that really sucked for Snake...

10. Snake's butterfly net

How humiliating? Joey, Wheels and Snake are trying to leave for the big weekend at Bronco's cottage (more on that later) and Mrs. Simpson humiliates her massive son by asking if he wanted to also bring his butterfly net. What a jerk!

9. Snake falls in the pool

A pivotal moment from the Summer from Hell, Snake was making his best efforts to mack on a pair of "lizadies" when he took a wrong step and fell backwards into the pool. WITH CLOTHES ON!!!! LOL!!! It's too bad because between the booty shorts and his liberal application of nose zinc, Snake-y Poo would've had those fare females eating out of the palm of his hand (so to speak).

8. Denied at the gentleman's club

Fake ID was a right of passage at Degrassi and Joey, Wheels and Snake plan a big Friday night at the local "peelers". They pool their funds but only 2/3 get to enjoy the show. Wheels and Snake make the cut but once inside, these dorks go "nom nom nom" on the Cokes and when they don't have enough bread for refills of their delicious soft drinks, the homely barmaid motions to the bouncer and Wheels and Snake are given the boot. Meanwhile, in an amazing scene, Joey is propositioned by a couple of ladies from "the oldest profession" but takes a pass, citing homework.

7. Reunited and it feels so bad

This was actually pretty edgy for the late 1980s: Snake's gay brother returns from college and says, "I'm gay too" in a jeep. Snake immediately becomes conflicted but eventually comes to grips with his feelings (and his brother's feelings about dudes). I love how "away at college" was a great plot device for television writers in the 1980s and 1990s, as a conduit for introducing an obscure brother or "friend of the family" that you wanted to introduce for a single episode and not make any commitment to long term. For further information, please refer to JB Slater, another sibling who came and went with the breeze.

6. The Zit Remedy breaks up

During Wheels' dark addiction to fries and video games, he sold his bass which effectively put the Zit Remedy on ice for years. Sure, they reunited in high school, eventually shooting a music video and hitting the casino circuit. But one could argue the soul of the band died when Wheels went off the deep end (and to a lesser degree, when they asked pretty boy Simon to join the band).

5. Not a playa

Snake was the Shawn Bradley of Degrassi but he really sucked at soccer. In fact, Wikipedia says he was "inept".

4. The car crash

Snake showed poor judgement when he allowed Joey to get behind the wheel of his parent's jalopy. Multiple times. He fell for the old "I just want to sit in the car" jibe and before long, a wild ride ensued that included an eye appointment and... wait for it... breakfast! The "Trust Me" episode filled an obscure quota that all 1980s television shows must contain a story arch involving underage children driving a car.

3. Cold shoulder

Snake didn't know how to deal with the death of Wheels' parents. Blame immaturity but seriously, the lack of compassion that Snake showed Wheels was just plain cold, man.

2. Lakeside trauma

Putting his training to the test, Snake bravely dove into the lake and rescued the mysterious hussy Alison at Bronco's cottage. After the rescue, Snake was clearly shaken, tying a bow on what was the worst summer ever!!! Underrated subplot of the rescue: Luke and Yick dove into the water too, in spite of the fact that they were both fantastically stoned at the time (just check out Yick's clothes if you need proof). Given their state, it'd have been tragically ironic if one of these narbos also started to drown due to the fact they were overbaked.

1. Snake finds a corpse

"You alright?" asked Snake, as Claude bled from the skull in the boy's bathroom. No, the artsy Claude was not alright. Far from it. It took weeks, maybe months, of therapy and soul searching for Snake to overcome this tragedy and rightfully so. Too bad since this was probably Snake's best hair period during Degrassi's initial run.

The Emancipation of Derek "Wheels" Wheeler

2011-10-30T18:07:00.000-07:00

... or what were the 10 greatest moments of Wheels' life?

Few characters in the annals of television/fiction/life were as snake bitten as Derek "Wheels" Wheeler. The sullen mainstay of the Degrassi franchise endured trauma after trauma through his character's various story arches and was clearly the most victimized person ever. Yick Yu may have been christened Mr. Yu the Disorganized but if the man born Griff needed a new nickname, it'd be something like Derek "Hard Luck" Wheeler. Yeah!!

The fact his adoptive parents perished in a car wreck is horrible enough. But really, that was just the tip of the iceberg for Wheels. Who could forget his creepy run-in with an overly friendly "salesmen" in Port Hope? Or that frigid night spent on Snake's porch after his lame grandmother told him to hit the bricks? Oh yeah, and he drove drunk and killed a toddler. Seriously, the dude was a pariah.

However, The Reset Button would like to shine the light on some of the happier, fun-filled moments in Wheels' life. In the spirit of positivity if nothing else. Sure, Wheels ended up in, um, prison but man, he had some hellacious moments along the way. Here is a Top 10 list, in descending order.

10. Wheels gets a perm
Underrated subplot of School's Out. Wheels' hair is tremendous in the movie and looks pretty cool even when he's rocking the wet look. They never really explained how his hair got so curly and so considerable. But frankly, it's a good... no, a GREAT look for him.

9. Fries for everyone!!!
Sure, Wheels' ended up homeless and sleeping on a porch in the "Home Sweet Home" episode of Degrassi High. But the first half was pretty awesome, as Mrs. Jeremiah was (unknowingly) bankrolling a serious fries and video game habit.

8. The postcard (from hell)
Wheels was positively tickled when he received a postcard from his birth father, giving "Big Guy" a brief glimpse at life on the road, playing "rock". Things ended badly when Wheels hoofed it to Port Hope but the postcard made the kid crack a smile at least. Unrelated, I've always wondered where this scene was shot--I'm assuming Etobicoke somewhere off the QEW but I could be wrong. And lastly, a missed opportunity for a latter plot would've been Wheels' dad joining the Gourmet Scum and Wheels responding by throwing ALL his Scum cassettes into a garbage can.

7. Wheels: The Book
This breaks the fourth wall a bit but that's OK, because having a book named after you is a total power move, fake or otherwise. I really like how this book is just called Wheels and it's going for over $64 retail.

6. "Everybody Wants Something": The music video
Wheels probably never looked happier than when the Zit Remedy finally shot a music video for their epic smash "Everybody Wants Something". What was never discussed in detail is why Lucy shot the bloody thing on a security camera?!?

5. Wooed by Stephanie Kay
For ego if nothing else, Wheels must have felt pretty studly when former Degrassi prez Stephanie Kay aligned DW in her cross hairs. This exciting compilation video (note: WTF?!?) does a fine job of detailing her courtship, something that ultimately fell apart much like everything else in Wheels' life.

4. A slightly racist stomach dance
This is another underrated moment in Wheels' saga, since dancing on-stage with a Mexican face drawn on his stomach and a giant sombrero on his upper body was completely out-of-character for Wheels. This moment is made all the more remarkable in that it came in the wake of Claude's suicide. Wheels didn't seem to care in the slightest, as he was ready to party.

3. Wheels and Heather make out
I don't know what's more amazing about this slice of porch-based fun between Wheels and Heather: the fact that Wheels was able to score a little action while wearing such a puffy shirt (and painted-on jeans) or the fact half the school watched through the window as if they'd never seen something like this before.

2. Wheels gets wheels
Wheels inexplicably became a total gearhead in School's Out and accordingly, producers outfitted him with a sweet ride. This beast was supposed to take Wheels out west so he could connect with the mysterious "Karen" but of course, his ill-fated trip to "grab some chips" in cottage country threw a wrench in those plans. Whatever... she was an excellent car while she lasted.

1. The Zit Remedy rock the prom
This was a great moment all around. The kids of Degrassi were clearly into it (they all clapped along, after all). Snake did a little freestyle thing midway through the song. It was such a powerful performance, it even managed in induce labour. Sadly, Wheels' life went down the toilet from this point onwards but at least he'll always have the prom.

"Thurston Moore and Kim Gordon" is dead

2011-10-25T19:16:00.000-07:00

October 14, 2011 may very well go down as the date the music died for a generation of aging hipsters.

This was the date that the core twosome of beloved noise rock outfit Sonic Youth announced that the curtain was coming down on their 27 year marriage. The noisy, civic union shared by Thurston Moore and Kim Gordon is no more (Moore?) and the news administered a superkick to the faces of thousands of music fans worldwide.

Sure, a quarter century plus is a minor miracle for a couple that galvanized their marriage by jamming drumsticks into thrift store guitars and singing about Karen Carpenter's eating disorder. However, Sonic Youth managed to grow old gracefully and effectively became the Wilford Brimley of indie rock: oat-fed, wise and kinda, sorta reliably "there".

It's TBD whether Sonic Youth will remain an entity but I'm not sure it matters because a page is turned either way.

Upwards and onwards, the TMZ crowd is clamouring to see who Thurston and Kim will date next and much like David and Beth in "The Wait Out" episode of Seinfeld, there is no doubt a sea of cool guys and girls who would give up their 4-LP vinyl version of Daydream Nation to engage in a real life relationship with either of these two.

The Reset Button is here to help and has established some sophisticated criteria for what Thurston and Kim would potentially be looking for in a mate and some ballpark "scores" for potential mates based on this criteria. For the sake of simplicity, let's assume they'll both end up back with musicians and all musicians are single. Because neither assumption is true. That's OK.

Thurston's criteria
1- Feels cassette tapes were underrated as a format
2- Describes something as "avant-garde" at least once a day
3- Owns custom-fitted earplugs and minimum three (3) albums from the Nihilist Spasm Band
4- Not really into facial expressions
5- Claims to be a huge Rita Ackermann fan

Kim's criteria
1- Likes to dance ironically to Madonna's The Immaculate Collection
2- Enjoys going to fashion shows but would never admit that he enjoys going to fashion shows
3- Always felt Tina Weymouth was/is "kinda foxy"
4- Own a selection of very interesting corduroy trousers
5- His apartment smells like a musty bookstore and to a lesser degree, he smells like a musty bookstore

Thurston's matches
81% - Jennifer Herrema (ex -Royal Trux)
68% - Lydia Lunch (solo, ex-Teenage Jesus and the Jerks)
54% - Mary Lou Lord
53% - Yoshimi P-We (The Boredoms)
47% - Annie Clark (St Vincent)

Kim's matches
91% - Vincent Gallo
70% - Gerard Cosloy (ex-Dustdevils, Matador Records)
66% - Michael Gira (Swans)
51% - Mick Harvey (ex-Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds)
32% - James Chance (James Chance and the Contortions)

Music Festivals: The Tapas of Concert Going

2011-10-17T06:36:00.000-07:00

Festivals are to the "concert going" experience as tapas restaurants are to the "dining out" experience. Only way worse.

In both instances, you get to enjoy a range of options in bite-sized increments. Sometimes, your favourite performer will hit the stage and you'll rue the fact that you're 35,000 corpses deep in the crowd. At other times, the focaccia will be dry. And for both, you often want to hit the Wendy's drive-thru afterwords since you're likely still somewhat hungry.

One could argue that this model works far better for dining than it does for concert going. It's less commitment, more intimate, the washrooms are (typically) better and there is just more personal space overall. Music festivals seem better in theory than in practice and while they inevitably produce countless moments that are primordially badass, the effort and intestinal fortitude to be upfront at one of these events is considerable. And really, there is a small degree of likelihood that you are going to get a prime set from your favourite outfit. In lieu, you'll get something bookended by sound and time constraints, dwarfed on a massive stage and flanked by a sea of shirtless dopes with Affliction t-shirts rakishly tucked into their board shorts.

Plus you might get squished.

Music festival do have merit if you are going primarily for a social experience with friends in a "Hey, it's summertime! Let's do something summer-y"-type fashion. Otherwise, they can be painful.

(End mini-rant)

Saw this amusing Jpeg on Facebook this week.

Amusing and completely accurate--a true template of the typical composition of a North American music festival. Using this as a model, here are two hypothetical festivals (one all Canadian acts, one not so much) that could conceivably take place sometime, somewhere in 2012.

BIG ROCK SHOW 2012
Foo Fighters * Beastie Boys
Ray LaMontagne * Rick Ross * Ween * My Morning Jacket
Gov't Mule * Leftover Salmon * Galaxie 500 (BTW why haven't these guys reunited yet?!?) * Kele Okereke * Mogwai * Diane Birch * The Shaolin Afronauts * Washed Out * Boy Least Likely To

CANADIAN BIG ROCK SHOW 2012
The Arcade Fire * Rush
City and Colour * Kardinal Offishall * Sloan * The Sheepdogs
Matt Anderson * Blackie and the Rodeo Kings * Eric's Trip * Edwin and the Pressure * The Weeknd * Lights * Iya Ire * Socalled * Feist

Ten Mundane Concepts for Reality Television

2011-10-03T17:28:00.000-07:00

In Extreme Couponing, everyday people save hundreds of dollars in trips to the store thanks to discount coupons. Tune in to TLC to see Extreme Couponing!

It was pretty jarring to learn that there was an actual TV program, built around footage of people using coupons at a local grocery store. Yes, I get that this isn't "couponing", it's "extreme couponing"!!! But still--it's pretty gnarly to think that something as banal as saving 30 cents deserves its own timeslot.

Therefore, The Reset Button would like to propose ten program concepts to the decision makers at TLC, Slice or anyone else that will listen--all no more or less mundane (... well, sometimes more) than a television program based on coupon redemption.

... Oh, and if anybody tries to lift any of these ideas, I will SUE yo' ass!!!

Crossing Guard Confidental
The life and times of a small town crossing guard (or "guards" as they call them in "the biz") in an unnamed Midwestern town. The series will address key issues such as accessorizing with fluorescent orange, the evolution of hand signals and the awkwardness of being a full-grown adult walking solo and having a crossing guard escort you through an empty intersection.

Dented
An inside look at discounted grocery items such as dented cans, expired medications and end-of-line SKUs. Includes some key quotes from grocery industry insiders ("Oh, those? Yeah, we just pile them in a broken shopping cart at the back of the store. We throw them out if they don't sell in about a month.") and various old people who like to rifle through the assortments in search of "treasures". The program also explores the indignation of writing the price directly on the packaging with a Sharpie pen, rather than a traditional price tag.

Bus Stop
A gritty examination of a local bus stop, unscripted and in your face. Some people listen to iPods, two ESL students quietly chat to themselves, somebody checks their watch. Captivating stuff.

24/7 Franks
We've all seen hot dog carts in Toronto that advertise themselves as 24/7. Were you ever curious to see who is patronizing these places between 6:00-10:00am? Now you can! Watch as new Canadians re-stock their coolers with soft drinks, stare aimless into nothing and fiddle with napkins. You'll also get an exclusive glimpse at the pivotal moment when our heroes decide to remove hour-old weiners from the upper grill and place them into the garbage.

Squirrel
A Wild Kingdom-style expose on the life of a squirrel in "the big city". While the sleeping scenes leave a lot to be desired, there is a fun episode where our furry friend contracts the mange. Narrated by James Earl Jones.

Confessions of a Blue Bin Sorter
Life moves fast for the guys and gals who get their mitts on our recyclables down at the sorting plant. You won't believe your eyes when you see some of the extreme items (styrafoam, blister packs, cloth) that end up on the assembly line. Early Emmy buzz for the engaging "So you think you can recycle linoleum?" episode.

Defrag Live
A engaging talk show that sees an everyday computer owner get their notebook defraged live in front of a studio audience. Join host John O'Hurley as he probes into the issues behind the defrag (Note: it's always some variation of "trying to free up disk space" or "removing unused programs"). To play up the technological theme, the announcer kicks things off with a rousing "Live from the Silicon Valley...".

The Off Season
In this gripping reality series geared at sports fans, producers look at what becomes of a local baseball diamond during the months of November through March. Oh, it might be covered with snow but that doesn't mean the action has the stop! Includes footage of people walking their dogs, office workers dining in their cars in the nearby parking lot and sporatic visits from local civic officials, keeping an eye on things.

Insole Asylum
A six-part docudrama about an everyman who gets insoles for his favourite pair of loafers. Watch as his posture improves slightly and he describes the act of putting on his shoes ("cushy") and taking off his shoes ("ooh, ah, ooh").

Change Jar
Pennies. Dimes. American pennies. You can find all these and much, much more in a change jar. Each episode will see a different Canadian flaunt their change jar, delving into the back story ("Been collecting since '04", "It's mainly pennies", "There's the odd button in there") with a degree of cadence and realism you don't see in most reality programming. The series will also attempt to answer the "Coin rolls: Friend or foe?" debate, with insight from some of the world's leading economists.

Ten Fake Name Swaps for Pro Sports Teams

2011-09-25T17:53:00.000-07:00

Professional sports is full of some truly awful team names.

Some franchises move cities and yet cling to monikers that make little sense outside the radius of their former homes. Others get pressured by fundamentalists and other wimps to change names that are deemed too violent or in a moronic case outlined below, too EVIL.

Some are racist and outdated. Others are just confusing, awkward, lame and various other shades of terrible.

Here are 10 such names that should be switched pronto.

Utah Jazz => Salt Lake City Apostles
Easily the most disjointed name in team sports. This must stop NOW and if needed, David Stern could offer the Jazz monicker back to New Orleans (although I kinda like their existing name of "the Hornets" for some reason). Mormons is the obvious replacement but Apostles has a bit more of an edge to it and is way vaguer in the religious sense. Local scribes could have a lot of fun depicted games as battles of good against evil, and ownage on the hardwood could be referred to as "teachings" by the play-by-play crew.

Los Angeles Lakers => Los Angeles Millionaires
Another displaced atrocity of a name. Los Angeles borders on an ocean. They have the glorious Los Angeles River. But they don’t have significant lakes of any kind (Silver Lake doesn’t count). And yet owners chose to keep the Lakers name when they moved from Minnesota in 1960 and managed to become iconic in the process. A lot has changed in the past half century. Accordingly, is there a name more appropriate for an LA-based group of ballers than the Millionaires? A hard reality both in fact and attitude, the Lakers already have a collective bullseye on them in each city they visit so why not ratchet the swag up another few notches with this in-yo-face team name?

Memphis Grizzlies => Memphis Stax
The third and final NBA squad in the let's-move-the-team-but-keep-the-team-name-even-though-it-loses-any-geographical-relevance saga, the mental image of a 800 lb. grizzly bear lumbering around Tennessee is wrong and ridiculous. I'd go with Stax instead for a few reasons. First, it's a tribute to Stax Records, the celebrated mid-20th century record label that introduced Otis Redding to the world. Second, it has a nice parallel to other team names ending in "X" such as the White Sox and the Red Sox. Third, Stax just sounds tall. Like items stacked upon one another. This is wonderful.

Tampa Bay Rays => Tampa Bay Beaches
The Rays lost a lot of bite when they ceased to be called the Devil Rays after the 2007 campaign--a completely gutless move, aimed at appeasing religious types who I suppose didn't want any causal relationship between Evan Longoria and Beelzebub. Tampa Bay Rays sounds awful. Plus it rhymes, so it needs to get axed. Tampa Bay Beaches has a nice ring to it and is geographically accurate. And the best part: they could nickname Tropicana Field "the sand box". Roll THAT one around on your tongue a bit.

Dallas Stars => Dallas Lone Stars
A slight amendment to a name that should've been fixed properly when the team moved from Minnesota in 1993... there is a pattern emerging with bad team names originating in Minnesota BTW. I don't even like the name the Lone Stars but it's far less blasé than simply "the Stars". Also, this blandness extends to the Toronto dream pop band of the same name although somehow, I find the name "Stars" far less boring than if they were called "the Stars" for some reason.

Minnesota Wild => Minnesota²
The Wild is a wildly bad name for a pro sports franchise and makes little sense on multiple levels. No less absurd is a dorky spin on the Minnesota Twins name that is at least mildly interesting in addition to being wildly impractical for marketing purposes, etc. Mathematically speaking, it's also problematic since you would never have the need (or want) to multiply Minneapolis by Saint Paul. Semantics aside, an alternative would be the Deuce, the Double Dip or the Twosome. Alternatively, they could just become the Minnesota Sami-Americans (or "The Sammies"). Which leads us to...

Winnipeg Jets => Winnipeg Regenerators ("The Reggies")
The first of two overly long team names that could be shortened into extreme sports glory!!! Yes, Winnipeg returning to the NHL with a team called the Regenerators would be entirely dated after their first full season back. But I dunno... the Reggies just sounds cool so maybe credit a clever bit of double entendre, referring to former Winnipeg Blue Bomber pivot (and BLT lookalike) Reggie Slack. Otherwise, there has to be concern with bad karma stemming from the Jets name.

Washington Redskins => Washington Representatives ("The Reps")
#offensiveteamnames. It's a wonder that this name has managed to stem the tide of this PC age, especially playing the shadows of the White House. Likewise…. Far less contentious would be the Representatives. Yes, it's a bit clumsy and a bit vague. But you could shorten it to "The Reps" and it could refer to both the House of Representatives or the fact that they're representing the civil servants, file clerks and deadbeat dads of DC out on the gridiron.

Colorado Avalanche => Colorado Elevators
Naming your squad after extreme weather is lame. The Hurricanes, the Lightning, the obscure Tacoma Tsunami. It seldom works plus you run the risk of marginalizing the loved ones of people struck by lightning, blown away by hurricanes, etc. The Colorado Avalanche is another offender so an alternative is the Elevators, referring largely to the thin air of Denver. Bonus points for a quality abbreviated name ("The Eles") and the potential for some nifty newspaper headlines (i.e. "A season of ups and downs for the Elevators", "The Eles give the Red Wings the shaft").

New Jersey Nets => Brooklyn's Finest
I won't take credit for this. Bill Simmons has already gone to bat for the switch, to take hold upon the Nets' move to Brooklyn. Very much related, mad respect to Big Poppa.

Special Report: A History of Violence... featuring Saved by the Bell

2011-09-19T17:52:00.000-07:00

Violence was always a key ingredient in the maggoty stew that was Saved by the Bell.

The popular late 20th century teen crime-drama detailed the comings and goings at Bayside High School, a fictitious institute in southern California that was populated by various archetypes of the day. The program was very hedonistic and at times, quite lurid. Some Bayside students experimented with drugs. Others were promiscuous. Blackmail was rampart. Loud rock music was everywhere. Students were very fashion forward, with a preference for bright t-shirts, acid washed denim and Zubaz. Nourishment… well, many Bayside students subsisted of low grade hamburgers and French fries. Leadership was a struggle, as principal Richard Belding often engaged in conflict with staff and students. His long running feud with Mr. Tuttle threatened to shake Bayside to its very core.

An aside: The notion of somebody “purchasing” Bayside was a story arch used more than once. I can only speak from my own high school experience but not once was there ever a threat of Thornlea Secondary School being purchased by seedy developers. In the unlikely event this happened, the decision would be made at the Board of Education level whereas at Bayside, it was up to Mr. Belding and a few students to thwart these advances. This was very unrealistic.

Anyway, the point to be made here is that Bayside was clearly an environment that bred violence. Much like the Ultimate Fighting Championship (UFC) and to a lesser degree, Bumfights, the opportunity to review these battles from afar is actually a valuable exercise and a true study of the human condition. Analysis provided below.

Zack Morris versus AC Slater
This was maybe the most fierce and hotly contested rivalry in the history on Bayside. On the one hand, you had a cocky, WASP-y scam artist and on the other, a spry, vascular Latino upstart. Give Zacky Poo credit—he held his own with one of California’s finest high school wrestlers. “Preppy” and “Jerk” are both lucky they didn’t crack their skulls on the cement. I don’t remember the circumstances of Mr. Belding’s get-up but I seem to remember that once his wig came off, all was forgotten (could be wrong here).

Zack Morris versus Screech Powers
Good friends. Better enemies. This was a very tense moment as Screech called Zack on his womanizing ways and blatant disregard for Screech’s “dream” of bedding Lisa. I can see why Screech was upset with “this creep in a stunning wool blazer” but in fairness, Lisa expressed time and again that she wasn’t interested. In fact, she indirectly asked Screech to kill himself more than once. An underrated observation: Screech and Zack were actually a comparable height at this point so coupled with some “nerd rage”, this might’ve actually been a solid tilt if they came to blows.

Zack Morris versus a door
A terrible, terrible piece of entertainment. For a guy famous for breaking the fourth wall, Zack takes things to an idiotic extreme by walking into an INVISIBLE fourth wall and mangling his ACL. The scene seems inprobable and rushed. Also, since when was Zack on the basketball team... or any team?!?

Zack Morris versus Derek Morris
A perverse glimpse into the early days of mobile phones, as father and son chat on their brick phones as radiation leaches into their brain matter. Zack's old man looks a bit like a more handsome David Letterman and I enjoy how the YouTuber who posted this vid titles it "Derek Morris", as if to insinuite that this isn't really Zack's father. The term "Zack Morris phone" may have just been galvinized by this scene.

Mr. Belding versus Rod Belding

Another family fued and (sadly) the second mention of Rod Belding on The Reset Button blog. If you missed it, Rod was Mr. Belding's deadbeat brother and a young man with an appetite for extreme behaviour and "the ladies". Mr. Belding kicks Rod and his Canadian tuxedo out of his school (and assumedly, out of his life) in yet another example of a character who appeared in a single episode and was never, ever acknowledged again.

Reset: Nine Fake Lead Singer Swaps

2011-09-12T17:50:00.000-07:00

In music, it is bad form to be switching a lead singer mid-stream. Often, it's extenuating circumstances that leads to the swap, such as death, drugs or death due to drugs. But for every "Van Hagar" apologist, there is a laundry list of other failed roster moves....

- He might've been a "strange animal" but did we really need to hear Gowan belting out "Mr. Roboto" for Styx?

- Huh? Blind Melon has a new singer?

- Did anybody really need to see something called the Germs perform again, complete with an actor aping Darby Crash?

- ETC.

Sadly, it is inevitable that some of our favourite musicians will bung up the works. Goddam hedonists! So in a bit of a pre-emptive strike, here is a list of nine potential lead singer trade-ins that could be "interesting" if not "good".

Roxy Music => Replace Bryan Ferry with Jarvis Cocker from Pulp

Pulp were essentially an updated version of Roxy Music. So clearly, Jarvis Cocker was an updated version of Bryan Ferry, what with the drole lyrics, soulful yet spastic dance moves, prole upbringings masked in invented glamour and so on.

Unrelated, the first decade of Roxy Music should win some kind of award for being awesomely popular, critically adored and yet impossibly bizarre. Check out this frantic version of "Editions of You" for proof. It almost seems like a goof but is undeniably amazing at the same time. The pants alone are incredible.

KISS => Replace Gene Simmons with Rob Zombie

It's a bit dodgy for a man over 60 to be skulking around stage in grease paint, pretending to be a demon. Best we sub in a 40-something who would at least take a few less minutes to limbre up in the green room.

My Bloody Valentine => Replace Kevin Shields and Bilinda Butcher with Jason Pierce from Spiritualized/Spacemen 3 and Liz Fraser from the Cocteau Twins

Somebody needs to seize two decades of studio work from Kevin Shields and let Jason Pierce work out the kinks with some airy vocal assistance from Liz Fraser. This would actually be pretty wild. And probably underwhelming given the wait.

Flaming Lips => Replace Wayne Coyne with Tim DeLaughter from Tripping Daisy/Polyphonic Spree

It's a wonder that more people haven't called out Tim DeLaughter from aping not ONE but TWO versions of the Flaming Lips--first with his fuzzy guitar/squeaky vocal band Tripping Daisy during the 1990s and second with his fatalistic/densely orchestrated/squeeky vocal band the Polyphonic Spree in the 2000s. Seems like a decent enough guy but not bringing much to the table in terms of originality.

Wilco => Replace Jeff Tweedy with Steve Earle

From vocals to songwriting to pill relapses, management should maybe just put Wilco on autopilot from now on and do a bit of a job share thing between these two fellas who have both "done a lot of livin''. There is continuity.

Portishead => Replaceme Beth Gibbons with Antony Hergarty from Antony and the Johnsons

She didn't seem too interested in "doing" Portishead for the last decade so why not swap in the oddly versatile, oddly prolific Antony? Similar voice, albeit coming from a more supple face.

Gorillaz => Replace Damon Albarn with James Murphy from LCD Soundsystem

James Murphy has a bit of time now that he's mothballed LCD Soundsystem and certainly, he is every bit as connected as Damon Albarn is these days for those expected guest spots. Considering Snoop Dogg and Lou Reed both appeared on the last Gorillaz' full-length, it seems the project is going a bit Stateside anyway so why not hand Murphy the keys and put a real Eastern seaboard spin on the next chapter.

The Arcade Fire => Replace Win Butler from Conor Oberst from Bright Eyes

From widely divergent paths, Oberst has veered into Arcade Fire territory a few times recently; see "Clairaudients (Kill Or Be Killed)" or "Jejune Stars". I dunno. This somehow seems workable. Neither party is very animated and Oberst would add a few pudgy suburban teenagers to the fan base.

Arctic Monkeys => Replace Alex Turner with Carl Barat from the Libertines

Pretty sure the Monkeys have acknowledged a clear debt to the Libertines, in sound, attitude, etc. so this swap could be done seamless and hopefully, would stall any more sadly forgettable solo efforts. For the time being.

Special Report: Ten Ideas for Game-based Movies

2011-09-05T18:26:00.000-07:00

In honour of the newly minted film based on the board game Battleship (Note: Why is this happening?), here are 10 fresh outlines for other movies based on games.

In reality, none of these are really more or less farfetched than a friggin' Battleship flick.

Pictionnary
Genre: A cheaply produced made-for-TV movie, fishing for a distributor
A clinically shy 'tween decides he is only going to "speak" from now on via drawings on pad and paper. A strange part of this decision is that he carries around an egg timer and assigns time limits to everything he draws. His WASP-y parents (Timothy Busfield and Judith Light ) show concern.

Asshole
Genre: A wacky buddy comedy
Within the halls of a faceless suburban industrial park, two lowly file clerks (Jack Black and Jason Segal) playfully assign themselves the titles of Asshole and Vice Asshole and plot to overthrow their company's President (Steve Martin) and Vice President (Dan Ackroyd). In a sudden and provocative plot twist, the Asshole becomes the Vice President, the Vice Asshole moves down to become the Asshole, the Vice President becomes the Vice Asshole and the President stays the President.

H.O.R.S.E.
Genre: An inspirational sports/action flick
Henry "Horse" Johnson (Terrence Howard) is a down-on-his-luck janitor in Washington DC. The one-time collegiate basketball star was thwarted by knee injuries and "the bottle" and yet through it all, he remains a talented long range shooter. He befriends a local "baller" (Lil' Romeo) heading to Syracuse to play college ball and teaches him about being a man, one swish at a time. The film features a number of ill-advised cameos from obscure NBA role players such as Del Curry, Jason Kapono and Hubert Davis.

Balderdash
Genre: A subtle dark comedy from the UK
A pathological liar (Steve Coogan) spends much of his day making up words, fooling friends and co-workers, and causing everyone to merrily wet themselves with laughter. His frustrated wife (Kelly Macdonald) wonders if her husband feels that LIFE is a game!!! A rival pathological liar from "the wrong side of the tracks" (Jim Jefferies) arrives in town to match wits with our lead, begging the age old question: can you trick a trickster?!?

Red Ass
Genre: A short film from an OCAD student
In this extremelly pretentious student film, a group of young men (metaphorically) throw a tennis ball against a wall, for fear of having the VERY SAME BALL hurled at their buttocks. One unfortunate soul is then subjected to a flogging. Nearby, a group of young girls talk amongst themselves. The film features no dialogue, a lot of interpretive dance and no props or sets. Shot entirely on a Flip camcorder.

Red Rover
Genre: A very suspenseful angst film
In the near future, US border guards are forbidden from using weapons, vehicles or barriers of any kind. In lieu, they are required to rely on sheer will and physicality to protect their border. A leathery Mexican drug lord (Danny Trejo) is shown wringing his hands in delight and aligns a mob of his most trusted mules to inundate Texas with a flood of cocaine and other savoury delights. Standing in his way is an ambitious lead guard (Channing Tatum) who aligns his forces in dramatic fashion—a human chain of hand-holding juicers. The Americans prepare to entrap (and hug) any of the heavies heading their way--a true Mexican standoff! The first mule makes a beeline for El Paso and breaks through the human chain. As part of an understanding, this forces the US to send one of its guards to go live in Mexico. This continues for a while until everybody gets bored and goes home.

Seven Up
Genre: A vapid "Rom Com" gears at suburban teenagers
A selection of self-involved, 20-something New Yorkers (Hilary Duff, Shia LeBeouf and others) experience love and lost in Manhattan. With gentle nods to the occult, wooing takes place via random taps to the skull, with the various characters speculating on who their potential mates are. The rest of the film features tweaked-out shots of the characters transfixed on their Twitter accounts, talking about their clothes, what restaurants they're about to visit and speculating about when Friday will arrive. Michael Keaton collects a pay cheque as “Dad”.

Duck Duck Goose
Genre: An animated Pixar extraveganza!
A lively cartoon that features a wacky assortment of talking ducks (voiced by John Lithgrow, Kristen Schaal, Chris Tucker and others) that adhere to various stereotypes (the hick, the gang banger, the spunky tom boy, the austere father). The fowl find themselves afflicted with a mysterious neurological disorder that turns them into geese. The only cure? Encircle other ducks and then run in opposing circles. Rinse and repeat. Much hilarity ensues. The effort is universally panned by critics and children alike.

Sorry!
Genre: A drug movie
In this art house bait, we are provided a glimpse into the minds of various strangers stuck on a New York commuter train (Chloë Sevigny, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Aubrey Plaza, David Cross, Crispen Glover and others). Much of the film takes place in dream sequences and features the strangers jumping over one another, going down slides, saying to one another, “Hey, sorry!”, etc. It's trippy. Heavily influenced by Gus Van Sant.

Jenga
Genre: A tedious dialogue-fuelled drama
Dallas 2012. Greedy land developers (Chris Cooper, Joan Allen, Jeff Daniels) plot to build the largest freestanding tower on Earth through a very strange construction technique that involves air lifting individual weather-sealed wood planks and piling them one atop of another in an adjacent fashion. A rival developer (Sam Rockwell), looking for a piece of the action, begins to contribute to the process through his own series of orchestrated air lifts. Will the building topple before the planet's stock of individual planks runs out? I dunno but the future of Dallas lies in the balance.

Special Report: TSN: The Movie

2011-08-29T18:25:00.000-07:00

It was recently announced that Fox has optioned Those Guys Have All the Fun in hopes of turning it into a "major motion picture". This sprawling (and at times, unreadable) book, detailing the history of the ESPN, doesn't really seem like something you'd need to see on the big screen but it's really no more or no less scriptworthy than Moneyball so anything is possible, I suppose. BTW, an early suggestion? Kevin Kline as Keith Olbermann? See what I did there, girlfriend.

Personally, if I were CTV, I'd run some interference and make a poorly acted made-for-TV movie about the first quarter century of TSN. They are "Canada's sports leader", after all. Some of the items I'd like to see depicted include...
- The genesis of TSN's unique "spotlight" logo
- Some salacious tales of mischief at Don Leslie-Eglinton
- Why did every dude in my high school seem to own a TSN sports bag?
- More information about Darren Dutchshyn striking a groom at his own wedding. Did this really happen and why wasn't it a bigger story?!?
- More about the First Choice Superchannel Three Pack. It's an exciting new offer.

Here are some thoughts on who could play 15 of the biggest superstars of the TSN era:
Darren Dutchyshen => Chris Klein
Gord Miller => Ed Lynch
James Cybulski => Jason Patric
Jennifer Hedger => Jeri Ryan
Jim Hughson => Craig Kilborn
Jim Van Horne => Jeff Foxworthy
John Wells => a middle aged Jackie Mason
Lisa Bowes => Helen Hunt
Michael Landsberg => a middle aged James Woods
Michael Wallen => Fred Willard
Mike Toth => Christopher Knight
Paul Romanuk => Kevin Pollak
Rod Black => a young Harry Reemes
Teresa Hergert => Illeana Douglas
Vic Rauter => Jeff Hutcheson

Sadly, we weren't able to come to terms with a fake Gino Reda.

Reset: The Police Academy franchise

2011-08-22T17:25:00.000-07:00

It looks like they've mothballed the reported remake of Drop Dead Fred (DDF) starring Russell Brand (no news since this initial 2009 report). But whether this gets rebooted or not, it's a prime example of Hollywood CONSIDERING a remake of a movie that clearly doesn't need to get remade. The original did little at the box office, wasn't well reviewed and probably isn't even remembered by 95% of the movie-going public. And yet somewhere, in some SoCal backlot, it was contemplated that DDF 2.0 needed to "get got". This is clearly an industry that is completely out of ideas at times and I will strike your face if you suggest this would merely be a chance to get DDF "right" this time around.

A lot of movies exist in the cultural vacuum of their time and would seem trite, mundane, plodding or irrelevant if modernized (the discussed remake of The Crow comes to mind). Comedy might be the ultimate genre to fall victim to this theory, since a lot of film humour demands context. To be considered funny on a wide scale, a film (or comedy, in general) relies on the viewer to make certain concessions to the period when the film was made, in terms of pacing, costume, cinematography, etc. Even humour that is somewhat timeless (i.e. not topical) can seem really dated based on factors outside the material itself. For example, it's hard not to focus on Jerry Seinfeld's feathered locks even though his inane "observations" are as funny and poignant in 2011 as they were in 1985.

OK, clearly what I'm trying to get at here is a passionate discussion of a theoretical Police Academy franchise reboot. Loose math.

Honestly, I'm surprised this hasn't happened yet (update???) since (A) Police Academy was required viewing for all children born in the 1970s and (B) a lot of key Hollywood decision makers fall within this bracket. Yes, the humour was a little blue, a little tasteless but what 8-year old didn't ROFL when Hooks pulled out her considerable piece and uttered, "Don't move, dirtbag!!!" In retrospect, I'm not sure why this is even funny, especially considering that it was so predictable since she did this in the final 10 minutes of each installment. And yet goddamit, this might've been the most often repeated movie for 7-8 years olds between the years 1985 and 1988. It spoke to us.

But revisit the second paragraph and gauge whether any of this is still funny. I'm on the fence.

Notable for the impressive view count and the fact the young man looks like Wheels

I don't really get why this is funny at all. Also, the music is uplifting and the actor who played Tackleberry is dead.

The animated version, featuring a theme by the underrated Fat Boys.

Akademie 3

Here is a rundown of casting for the franchise reboot, featuring new players in key roles:

Steve Guttenberg => Paul Rudd as Cadet Carey Mahoney
Kim Cattrall, Collen Camp, Janet Jones and others => Elisa Cuthbert as token blonde officer/love interest
Bubba Smith => John Salley as Cadet Moses Hightower
Michael Winslow => David Alan Grier as Cadet Larvell Jones
David Graf => Patrick Warburton as Cadet Eugene Tackleberry
Bruce Mahler => Ed Helms as Cadet Douglas Fackler
Marion Ramsey => Frangela as Cadet Laverne Hooks + 1 twin sister (a rare 1-for-2 fakeout)
G. W. Bailey => Lewis Black as Lt. Thaddeus Harris
Lance Kinsey => TJ Miller as Sgt. Proctor
George Gaynes => Ted Danson as Cmndt. Eric Lassard
Howard Hesseman => John Lithgow as Capt. Peter 'Pete' Lassard
Tim Kazurinsky => Jeffrey Asch as Cadet Sweetchuck
Brian Tochi => Bobby Lee as Cadet Tomoko Nogata
Bobcat Goldthwait => Andy Dick as Cadet Zed

Bye.

Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs (The Wire edition)

2011-08-08T07:00:00.000-07:00

The second in a series of indeterminate length, The Reset Button applies Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs to the popular HBO social drama, The Wire. At each level, a Wire character is chosen that best represents the needs and aspirations of that level.

Also, to reiterate, the Hierarchy of Needs is easily one of the Top Five worst triangles ever. So played, dawg. And something only used by first year university students trying to grasp at "depth". Not unlike thumbtacked prints of "The Kiss" or Portishead CDs. Or talking about The Wire.

Source: http://psychology.about.com/od/theoriesofpersonality/a/hierarchyneeds.htm

Physiological Needs: These include the most basic needs that are vital to survival, such as the need for water, air, food and sleep. Maslow believed that these needs are the most basic and instinctive needs in the hierarchy because all needs become secondary until these physiological needs are met.

Security Needs: These include needs for safety and security. Security needs are important for survival, but they are not as demanding as the physiological needs. Examples of security needs include a desire for steady employment, health insurance, safe neighborhoods and shelter from the environment.

Social Needs: These include needs for belonging, love and affection. Maslow considered these needs to be less basic than physiological and security needs. Relationships such as friendships, romantic attachments and families help fulfill this need for companionship and acceptance, as does involvement in social, community or religious groups.

Esteem Needs: After the first three needs have been satisfied, esteem needs becomes increasingly important. These include the need for things that reflect on self-esteem, personal worth, social recognition and accomplishment.

Self-actualizing Needs: This is the highest level of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. Self-actualizing people are self-aware, concerned with personal growth, less concerned with the opinions of others and interested fulfilling their potential.

Physiological => Bodie
Once a solider, always a solder. If Bodie was any indication. Even when this "young'un" was named the Barksdale crew chief in Season Four, it was purely by default since most of his contemporaries were either dead or in prison. Time and again, Bodie was unable (or perhaps, unwilling) to rise above a purely Physiological existence, in spite of obvious "street smarts" and developing relationships with law men Ellis Carver, Thomas "Herc" Hauk and eventually, Jimmy McNulty. He was merely a doer and whenever he found himself in a more amped-up role, poor judgement kicked him in the fanny, often fuelled by petty relationships squabbles and a short fuse. His demise, a swift and brutal shot to the head from Michael Lee, was a fitting end to a life entirely cuffed to the street.
Also considered: Dukie, Bubbles, Ziggy Sobotka

Security => Chris Partlow
Chris Partlow was a cold, heartless murderer but so effin' cerebral in the way he filled that role, it was hard not to like the guy. One could argue that Partlow's handiwork was the single biggest factor in Marlo Stanfield's rise to top of the West Baltimore drug game as Partlow excelled both at protecting existing turf and leading conquests onto new corners. In short, he WAS safety. He WAS security. And his mentoring of young Michael was a rare glimpse into Partlow extending his talents beyond shooting haters in the face.
Also considered: Dennis "Cutty" Wise, Frank Sobotka, Bunk Moreland

Love/Belonging => D'Angelo Barksdale
Arguably the most conflicted character in The Wire's five year run and a case study in the challenges that all middle managers face. D'Angelo's role was an unfortunate mixture of cat herding and keeping his Uncle Avon and Mommy Brianna satisfied. D'Angelo showed a lot of humanity, in part through interactions with his young son and in part because actor Larry Gilliard has a naturally sad looking face (it's true). No doubt, D'Angelo felt some degree of belonging, love and affection from within the Barksdale crew but considering his life ended slumped over in "the clink" with a belt around his neck, it'd be tough to argue that D'Angelo ever truly found the full attachment he was looking for.
Also considered: Kima Greggs, Omar Little, Michael Lee

Esteem => Ellis Carver
A late bloomer, Ellis Carver matured from a rough n' tumble goofball in early seasons to a poised, polished Sergeant in Charge by Season Five. The distancing between Carver and his ol' running buddy Herc was an underrated subplot that enjoyed an engaging slowburn as the series progressed. And by the end, Carver began to achieve various Esteem needs by displaying a surprisingly degree of integrity that was sorely lacking in most other Wire characters. This was a quality, complex character--I'd argue that the impassioned manifesto he unleashed atop the cop car to kick-off Season Three was the death of old Carver and the birth of new Carver, aided by several visits to Hamsterdam that led to many WTF stares of bemusement.
Also considered: Avon Barksdale, Rhonda Pearlman, Clay Davis

Self-actualization => Marlo Stanfield
There were "good guy" options and "bad guy" options plus several shades of grey. But in the end, no Wire character best exemplified Self-actualization the way Marlo Stanfield did. From his first appearance in Season Three, Stanfield's one goal was to seize West Baltimore from the Barksdale crew and he did so fairly easily in retrospect. Stanfield achieved his goal (and to sound like a complete blowhard, "his destiny") by being 100% self-aware of what he was: a calculated mercenary who never allowed emotions or feelings or empathy to impact his ambition. Stanfield soldiers kicked a ton of fanny during their takeover and if his blaise facial expressions were any indications, there was zero remorse or hesitation from Stanfield. "... some place to be" indeed.
Also considered: Cedric Daniels, Tommy Carcetti, Stringer Bell

Reset: Technology Kills Seinfeld Dead

2011-08-02T07:00:00.000-07:00

Um. Um. This is a list of 16 episodes of Seinfeld that would no longer be feasible because of recent technological advances.

Please credit Wikipedia for all plot summaries.

The Phone Message (Season Two, Episode Four)

Original Version: George becomes concerned when his girlfriend, Carol, doesn't return his calls. He loses his temper and leaves a series of angry messages on her machine. Later, he discovers that she was out of town. Before she can hear the messages, he and Jerry plan to go into her apartment and switch the tape on her answering machine. George and Jerry manage to intercept Carol at her apartment and switch the tape. George later learns that she had already heard the messages and found them funny, adding that she "loves jokes like that".

2011 Version: These messages would go straight to a voicemail service. George would be totally S.O.L. as he wouldn't be able to switch the tapes. Since there wouldn't be any tapes to switch.

The Baby Shower (Season Two, Episode Ten)

Original Version: Elaine holds a baby shower for a friend at Jerry's apartment. George is excited, because he finds the baby shower to be the perfect opportunity to "tell off" the woman who gave him "unequivocally, the worst date of [his] life" by pouring Bosco chocolate sauce on his red sweater. However, he cannot muster the courage to do so. Meanwhile, Kramer convinces Jerry to pirate cable television to watch the Mets home games. When the Russian cable providers show up, they ruin the shower.

2011 Version: A guess... the complexities of modern cable providers would prevent two Russian heavies from being able to complete such an installation. Also, chances are, the Mets' home games would be reasonably available by conventional means. And lastly, it's hard to imagine anybody going to such lengths to watch the Mets in the first place.

The Truth (Season Three, Episode Two)

Original Version: George tells his girlfriend the truth about why he ended their relationship; as a result, she checks herself into the Woodhaven mental institution. Jerry is very upset at this because he is being audited by the IRS and George's girlfriend, an accountant, was supposed to help him out. To make things worse, she has all of his tax papers and Jerry needs them back desperately. It was Kramer who had gotten Jerry into trouble by forcing him to contribute to a fake volcano relief fund. Kramer is also dating Elaine's roommate, Tina, and Elaine complains about the loud tribal music and sexual noises in her apartment. Kramer also walks into Elaine's room and sees her naked.

2011 Version: Two things. Firstly, Jerry would likely have soft copies of all his papers. Secondly, it would be very easy for Jerry to verify the legitimacy of this fake volcano relief funds (Note: Am I the only one who doesn't remember this sub-plot?).

The Parking Garage (Season Three, Episode Six)

Original Version: The cast is in search of Kramer's car in the multi-level parking garage of a shopping mall after Kramer purchases an air conditioner. Unfortunately, no one can remember where the car was parked. Jerry is eager to urinate and goes in a dark corner. After Jerry does so, he is spotted by an officer and is held in the officer's booth. Later, George is also caught in the act of urinating. Both Jerry and George are fined and released. Then by luck, the gang finds Kramer's car but unfortunately, Kramer, who has the car keys, is still lost somewhere in the garage. Hours later, Kramer shows up, having gone on his own hunt for the air conditioner. As they all enter the car, the engine fails to start.

2011 Version: The gang would use their smartphones to call (or more likely, text each other) and rectify this in short order. I get that parking garages may inhibit certain providers. But even if they had to step outside for a moment, this wouldn't have been such an extreme scenario. Truth: this episode and its 2011 irrelevancy was the inspiration behind this entire post.

The Cafe (Season Three, Episode Seven)

Original Version: Jerry becomes fascinated by an unsuccessful restaurant and gives the owner some friendly advice. George's girlfriend wants him to take an IQ test for an education course she is doing; worried that he will score badly, he persuades Elaine to take it for him instead. Jerry suggests that she take the test at the deserted Dream Café because she "won't hear a peep" there -- but they reckon without Kramer's distracting presence. Elaine retakes the test in Jerry's apartment, but another collision with Kramer prevents her from returning it on time. Meanwhile, the Dream Café remains empty.

2011 Version: The modern version of this test would likely be computer-based and therefore, might have some security measures in place to prevent cheating.

The Alternate Side (Season Three, Episode 11)

Original Version: Jerry's car is stolen and he has a conversation with the car-jacker on the car phone. George takes a job moving cars from one side of the street to the other, to comply with alternate side parking regulations, and does a very careless job by crashing cars and causing traffic jams. Elaine cares for her 66-year-old boyfriend who has had a stroke just before she was about to break up with him. Kramer gets a line in a Woody Allen film, popularizing the expression, "These pretzels are making me thirsty!" He accidentally injures Woody Allen during the shooting and gets fired from the set.

2011 Version: Car phones don't exist any more, do they?

The Movie (Season Four, Episode 14)

Original Version: The four main characters continually miss each other as they try to attend a film together.

2011 Version: Again, mobile phones would render this a non-issue.

The Big Salad (Season Six, Episode Two)

Original Version: Elaine must find a special mechanical pencil for her new boss and soon finds herself dealing with the romantic advances of a stationary store clerk. George purchase a "big salad" for Elaine, but his girlfriend appears to take credit for the purchase. Jerry learns that his current girlfriend formerly dated Newman, who ended the relationship. Kramer plays golf with an ex-Major League Baseballer, whose rules violations Kramer notes, giving rise to a fight. The man is later suspected in the murder of a dry cleaner, and Kramer helps the fan flee in a white Ford Bronco in a situation similar to that of O.J. Simpson.

2011 Version: Elaine would easily be able to order this "special" mechanical pencil online, thus avoiding the need to interact with the creepy stationary store clerk.

The Couch (Season Six, Episode Five)

Original Version: Elaine begins to date the guy who delivers Jerry's new couch. Kramer plans to start a pizza business with Poppie. George joins a book club, but tries to rent the movie. Jerry and Elaine's discussion of the abortion issue causes trouble for Poppie, Elaine's relationship & Jerry's new couch. George spends the evening with the family that has rented the film, with less than spectacular results.

2011 Version: For a catalogue title such as "Breakfast at Tiffany's", George could have resorted to Netflix or scronged around for a digital version online.

The Secretary (Season Six, Episode Nine)

Original Version: Jerry confronts his dry cleaner. George passes over hiring an attractive secretary for a less attractive one. Kramer gets Uma Thurman's phone number. Elaine tries to buy a dress, but is unsatisfied with the size of the mirrors in the store.

2011 Version: Kramer puts Uma Thurman's number directly into his iPhone. If only to "humblebrag".

The Wink (Season Seven, Episode Four)

Original Version: Elaine dates the man from her wake-up service. A bit of grapefruit pulp, from Jerry's breakfast, gets into George's eye and causes problems for him when his winks keep getting misinterpreted. Jerry's healthy diet conflicts with his dating of Elaine's cousin. Kramer promises a sick boy that Yankee Paul O'Neill will hit two home runs for him, so he can get back a birthday card that he sold based on George's wink.

2011 Version: It is highly unlikely that anybody would use a home wake-up service in 2011. In fact, it seemed highly unlikely in 1995.

The Package (Season Eight, Episde Five)

Original Version: George finds out that the woman at a photo store is looking at his pictures. He tries to impress her by getting Kramer to take seductive pictures of him. Jerry refuses delivery of a package with no return address. Elaine tries to retrieve her medical records when she begins having problems with her doctor due to her attitude.

2011 Version: Most of this process would be handled digitally. Therefore, it's unlikely the interaction between George and the photo store employee would take place within the original context laid out.

The Little Jerry (Season Eight, Episode 11)

Original Version: Kramer gets a pet rooster he names "Little Jerry Seinfeld". George visits a woman's prison where he does not see what he had expected. Elaine discovers her boyfriend once had a full head of hair and convinces him to grow it back. A store owner exposes Jerry's bad check currently on display which raises much discussion.

2011 Version: People very seldom write cheques at retail anymore. Especially at such low level establishments such as the bodega in this episode.

The Millennium (Season Eight, Episode 20)

Original Version: Kramer makes plans for New Year's 2000 and wonders what the future may be like. Elaine gets bad service at a store and begins shopping at a similar store. Jerry learns he is on his girlfriend's speed dial.

2011 Version: "Speed dial" isn't really a thing anymore. Also, 2000 has come and gone.

The Wizard (Season Nine, Episode 15)

Original Version: Jerry gives his father an electric organizing system for his birthday. Jerry and George debate about the race of Elaine's new boyfriend which triggers her curiosity. Kramer plans on running for president of Morty and Helen's condo association. George lies to the Rosses about owning a house in the Hamptons.

2011 Version: Smartphones have effectively rendered electric organizing systems obsolete.

The Maid (Season Nine, Episode 19)

Original Version: Jerry hires a maid who he then starts sleeping with. Elaine discovers she has 57 messages on her answering machine when Kramer's food-order service tries to fax her. George tries to get a nickname but a co-worker gets the one he chose instead.

2011 Version: It is safe to assume that fax-based food menu services don't exist any more.

Special Report: Canadian Musical Copycats 2.0

2011-07-25T17:14:00.000-07:00

For an explanation to how this “game” works (… and remember, LIFE is a game), read here.

Two. Point. Oh. Regulators!!!!

Images in Vogue – Canada’s answer to the Psychedelic Furs
There are probably a dozen other UK outfits that you could sub in for the Furs—Ultravox might be a good alternative. And yet whatever the causality, the early Images in Vogue singles seemed to be written by template, taking cues (and liberties) from the British New Wave of the age and ensuring that every last key and every last ounce of melodrama aligned perfectly with whatever was spilling out of the Motherland. “Lust for Love” especially sounds like the finest Furs’ song never recorded and when you contemplate Richard Butler’s love of aping David Bowie, you can establish a very nice continuum twice removed.

Alfie Zappacosta – Canada’s answer to Steve Perry
The Eighties were a good… no, a great time for homely looking dudes who were brimming with confidence and weren’t afraid to grow out their hair into a nasty poof of flaxen locks. Ex-Journey singer Steve Perry was one. Toronto’s Alfie Zappacosta was another. And by another, I mean another Steve Perry. “We Should Be Lovers” has to be in the Top Five of videos where the song is completely inconsistent with the visuals. The clip features a Jello wrestling motif and our hero making out with some androgynous lady (guy?) wearing a modified do rag and puffing away on a cigarette holder. It’s pretty dire. Also, pervy move by Alfie, sniffing that girl's shirt.

Candi and the Backbeat – Canada’s answer to Gloria Estefan and Miami Sound Machine
This… I mean, this was SOOOO blatant. And if the aesthetic similarity between these bands weren’t obvious enough (see image above), Candi and friends released a song called “Under the Latin Moon” as their first track, maybe in efforts to deflect the epicentre of offensive, vaguely-Latino Top 40 from Miami to Toronto. It didn’t work. Unrelated, the Candi drunk driving PSA, featuring a stiff flatlining, was tremendous and completely ineffective. I mean, why would anybody take this sobering advice from somebody who didn’t even have a last name?!?

Tom Cochrane – Canada’s answer to John Cougar Mellencamp
This suggestion is bound to miff Red Rider completists. And I’m OK with that. Slowly but surely, Tom Cochrane (TC) morphed from a pig-faced, Floyd-acknowledging rocker into a gruff, rootsy rocker, along the lines of John Cougar Mellencamp (JCM). TC’s metamorphosis was complete when he wore a tassled suede jacket in the “Life is a Highway” video.

Jr Gone Wild – Canada’s answer to The Replacements
The career arcs of Edmonton’s Jr Gone Wild and Minnesota’s Replacements are startlingly similar...
* Phase I: Thrash bands who played a lot of hardcore punk rock shows even though neither outfit were truly a hardcore punk rock band
* Phase II: College rock bands that refined their original sound and created music that was catchy enough to attract the ears of Co-eds but gritty enough to distance itself from anything on commercial radio
* Phase III: AAA-type bands in their golden years. The Replacements imploded amid personality conflicts with Nirvana borrowing from the band’s image (and getting paid for it). Jr Gone Wild poured on the country towards the end with Wilco borrowing from the band’s image (and getting paid for it).

Mystery Machine – Canada’s answer to Sunny Day Real Estate
Yeah. Lots of expressive guitars. Wordy vocals. Northwestern roots. Solid but kind of forgettable bands overall. Although there is a small core of individuals (I know at least two) who suggest that Mystery Machine were the premiere Canadian band of the Nineties. “Wake Up Pill” was a strong track.

Sum 41 – Canada’s answer to blink-182
The naming convention alone makes this a no brainer, since Sum 41 blew up in the wake of blink-182’s popular “mall punk” sound. In comparison, Sum 41 seemed more bratty and honestly, blink-182 had some serious songwriting chops if you ask me. “Adam’s Song” was kind of awesome.

The Salads – Canada’s answer to 311
The strange thing about the Salads is that they were essentially a dead ringer for 311 and yet showed up several years after 311 had already crested commercially. I supposed loud frat boy party tunes never really go out of style (at least amongst loud frat boys) but this positioning seemed way to obvious, even in the moment. We’re not dealing with the most refined pallet here but still…. BTW, The Salads is an awful band name. Without checking, I assume they call themselves The Salads because they blend lots of musical styles together, much like a salad blends lots of vegetables together. Not good.

Alice Glass – Canada’s answer to Karen O
This is a study of where the artists align in a physical sense, if not a sonic sense. As an observer, it would seem that Alice Glass from Toronto’s Crystal Castles took more than a bit of inspiration from Karen O from the Yeah Yeah Yeahs. And it’s quite possible considering (A) the Castles broke 4-5 years after the YYYs did and (B) their hair is similar. Other similarities include leather, heavy eye shadow, Converse sneakers, a penchant for jumping into crowds (and flailing about once there) and deadpan expressions. Interestingly, the Crystal Castles and the Yeah Yeah Yeahs have actually inched closer to one another soundwise too, especially since the last Yeah Yeah Yeahs’ full-length, It’s Blitz!, was bathed in kind of aggressive electronics that the Castles specialize in.

Jully Black “Seven Day Fool” – Canada’s answer to Amy Winehouse’s Back to Black
From what I know about Jully Black, she seems like a pretty cool chick. She doesn’t take herself too seriously. She seems to put a lot of heart into what she does. But holy hell—Black releasing “Seven Day Fool” mere months after Amy Winehouse’s Back to Black album blew up was clearly the work of somebody trying to "make bank" on a trend. “Seven Day Fool” was incongruent with anything that Black had released prior… and pretty congruent with about half the tracks on Back to Black. The video didn’t help. It’s hard to judge the song on its own merits since it was birthed in the shadow of something that was entirely fresh at the time and yet in its own way, completely regressive (in some ways) to Sixties’ girl groups, early Eighties’ ska and a bunch of other styles. It is messy analogy but one based on ton of evidence.

Special Report: Toronto: War of the Wards

2011-07-18T17:09:00.000-07:00

The concept is a MAJOR motion picture about the Toronto City Council circa 2011.

Working title => Toronto: War of the Wards

The movie would be a “dramedy” and feature plenty of mean spirited political humour, just a sprinkle of misogyny and a few key shots of the sun coming up over Nathan Phillips Square. The ensemble cast would be divided between “The Insiders” (current Council members) and “The Outsiders” (various non-Council influencers). For the sake of continuity, there would be 10 of each.

In a pivotal scene, fake Rob Ford would engage in fisticuffs with an angry cluster from the Toronto Cyclists Union. The action cumulates with fake Rob hurling a 10 speed in their general direction, quipping, “Speak only when spoke-n, too.”

Riveting.

Another primary objective of the film would be to intertwine generations of Toronto civic leaders. This is largely a device to get fake Mel Lastman some screen time.

The Cast

The Insiders: Nobody REALLY knows what goes on inside of Toronto’s city council. …. Actually, yes they do--here is a full archive of meetings and minutes. Anyway, let’s not kid ourselves—the Council is a combative, combustible clash of egos and things always get blustery with mayor Rob Ford at the eye of the tornado. Best sit back, hold on tight and (try to) enjoy the ride.

1. Adam Vaughan => Adam Clayton (in a rare acting role)
2. Denzil Minnan-Wong => Fred Armisen
3. Doug Ford => Eric Stonestreet
4. Frances Nunziata => Joan Baez (I repeat, in a rare acting role)
5. Giorgio Mammoliti => Joe Rogan
6. Gord Perks => Gary Sinese
7. Karen Stintz => Maria Bello
8. Mary Fragedakis => Sofia Milos
9. Mike Layton => Topher Grace
10. Rob Ford => Philip Seymour Hoffman

The Outsiders: A seasonal blend of chair people, critics and ex-heavyweights, each Outsider stirs the pot in his or her own unique way. And when they say “too many cooks spoil the broth”, picture one of these ne’er-do-wells in traditional kitchen whites.

1. Adam Giambrone => Wil Wheaton
2. Barbara Hall => Janis Ian (I repeat, in a rare acting role)
3. Bill Blair => Christopher Walken
4. Bob Kinnear => Stephen Baldwin
5. David Miller => John Slattery
6. George Smitherman => Larry Miller
7. Joe Pantalone => Tony Sirico
8. Mel Lastman => Billy Crystal
9. Paul Godfrey => Harvey Keitel
10. Stephen Ledrew => Stanley Tucci

Reset: The Pavement Song Book

2011-07-07T10:07:00.000-07:00

Blame R.E.M.

... for effectively making it OK (and even expected) to invent song titles that have absolutely nothing to do with the lyrics, melody or subject matter of the song in question. They exhibited it here. And later on here. And even here. In fairness, they picked their spots and yes, it gave R.E.M. a certain mystique that was hard to penetrate in the pre-Internet age. 1986. Etc.

Later on, some outfits took this model to an extreme whereby they not only assigned song titles that confused listeners; in some instances, they were grammaticalyl incorrect... or weren't even words(!!!) See Aphex Twin.

It's neither a good thing or a bad thing. It's just a thing. And nobody glommed on to this "thing" to the extent that Pavement did. Especially early in their career, Stephen Malkmus and friends took great delight at confusing listeners with noisy noise rock that was strangely tuneful and yet completely obscured behind obtuse song titles and scribbly album art. The band ultimatey parlayed this willful obscurity into becoming one of the most critically lauded outfits of the last quarter century. Somehow in spite of their efforts. Not because of them. They were/are special.

Here is a look at what their discography may have looked like if they "played it straight" when naming their songs. Perhaps they would've become R.E.M. if they weren't born difficult.

Revised titles in bold type.

Slay Tracks (1933–1969) EP (1989)
1. You're Killing Me
2. Box Elder
3. Maybe Maybe
4. She Believes
5. Price Yeah!

Demolition Plot J-7 EP (1990)
1. Forklift
2. You Shouldn't Hate Your Body ('cause It's Part of You) - formerly Spizzle Trunk
3. Recorder Grot
4. Internal K-Dart
5. I Wasted - formerly Perfect Depth
6. Recorder Grot (Rally)

Perfect Sound Forever EP (1991)
1. Heckler Spray
2. From Now On
3. Ask Me - formerly Angel Carver Blues/Mellow Jazz Docent
4. Drive by Fader
5. Debris Slide
6. Pull My Lips Band and Watch Me Smile - formerly Home
7. Krell Vid-User

Slanted and Enchanted (1992)
1. Summer Babe (Winter Version)
2. Trigger Cut/Wounded Kite at :17
3. No Life Singed Her
4. What I Want - formerly In the Mouth A Desert
5. I'm Tryin', I'm Tryin' - formerly Conduit For Sale!
6. Zürich Is Stained
7. Bogged Down - formerly Chesley's Little Wrists
8. Loretta's Scars
9. Here
10. Two States
11. Radio Active - formerly Perfume-V
12. Fame Throwa
13. One Holy Life - formerly Jackals, False Grails: The Lonesome Era
14. It Never Comes - formerly Our Singer

Watery Domestic EP (1992)
1. A Texas Mile - formerly Texas Never Whispers
2. So Much Style - formerly Frontwards
3. Two Colors - formerly Feed Them To The Lions (Linden)
4. Don't Expect - formerly Shoot The Singer (1 Sick Verse)

Crooked Rain, Crooked Rain (1994)
1. Silence Kit
2. Why You're Complaining - formerly Elevate Me Later
3. Stop Breathin'
4. Cut Your Hair
5. Brand New Era - formerly Newark Wilder
6. (Let's Burn the) Hills of Beverly - formerly Unfair
7. Gold Soundz
8. 5-4=Unity
9. Range Life
10. Heaven Is a Truck
11. Hit the Plane Down
12. I Need to Sleep - formerly Fillmore Jive

Wowee Zowee (1995)
1. We Dance
2. Rattled By The Rush
3. No One Has a Clue - formerly Black Out
4. We Got The Money - formerly Brinx Job
5. Dying on These Streets - formerly Grounded
6. Serpentine Pad
7. Let Me Be - formerly Motion Suggests
8. Angel of Corpus Cristi - formerly Father To A Sister Of Thought
9. Extradition
10. Best Friends Arm
11. Grave Architecture
12. Room Service Calls - formerly AT&T
13. Let You - formerly Flux = Rad
14. Fight This Generation
15. Why Didn't I Ask? - formerly Kennel District
16. You Don't Move - formerly Pueblo
17. Dream About the Witch Trials - formerly Half A Canyon
18. Western Homes

Brighten the Corners (1997)
1. Stereo
2. Shady Lane
3. Transport Is Arranged
4. Magic Lands - formerly Date with IKEA
5. Old To Begin
6. Type Slowly
7. Embassy Row
8. Luster - formerly Blue Hawaiian
9. We Are Underused
10. Passat Dream
11. Starlings Of The Slipstream
12. Prison Architects - formerly Fin

Terror Twlight (1999)
1. Spit On A Stranger
2. Pardon My Birth (I Just Slipped Out) - formerly Folk Jam
3. You Are A Light
4. One Way Track - formerly Cream Of Gold
5. Major Leagues
6. Serengeti Nightmare - formerly Platform Blues
7. Ann Don't Cry
8. Billie
9. Speak, See, Remember
10. The Hexx
11. ...And Carrot Rope

Reset: Major League Baseball Hall of Fame 2.0

2011-07-03T18:20:00.001-07:00

Major League Baseball is tremendous but the way it's marketed is horrible.

Easily the most conservative of the four major team sports, MLB has always relied on tradition and the depiction of “the grand old game” to draw fans in. But seriously, with each generation subjected to warbly mono renditions of “Take Me Out to the Ballgame” and an intense policing of any official game footage on YouTube (to name but two offenses), MLB risks losing a nation of young people if it doesn’t change its ole time-y ways soon.

A positive first step could be hitting the Reset Button on the Baseball Hall of Fame in Cooperstown.

Don’t get me wrong: it’s a fine spot to spend a summer’s afternoon. But it’d be a big step symbolically if MLB would forgo any future Cooperstown inductions and in lieu, open a fresh new facility (maybe in Manhattan or Boston) that could help bring the sports into the 21^st century (or even 1973, if you want to get snarky about it).

This Hall would be different. Here are a few ground rules that’d help differentiate it from Cooperstown:
- Voting is based 100% upon on-the-field performance. Drugs, gambling, womanizing, overeating. All irrelevant. If you could hit and/or pitch really, really well or made a big impact on the sport otherwise, that’s all that would matter.
- No five year waiting period to get in. The primary rationale is based on the opinion that MLB does a weak job of making its marquee players into household names. Case in point: why isn’t Albert Pujols at the level of celebrity of Tom Brady or Lebron James? The St Louis slugger put up an initial 10 seasons that’d rival the first decade of any player ever. And yet, what does the average baseball fan really know about him?!? He’s not a menace like Alex Rodriguez and not a lush like Miguel Cabrera nor a headcase like Brian Wilson. It’s unfortunate. From marketability alone, it’d be unique have actual Hall of Fame players on the field and might bump these dudes up a few notches in the celebrity ranks.
- You can vote players OUT of the Hall of Fame. This would be pretty exciting if all of a sudden people realized that a certain player’s historical significance lessened as time passed. Image the debate, the outrage if this happened. Fires would be set. Families would dissolve. It’d be wonderful. Personally, I might vote Ryne Sandberg out of the existing HOF if given the chance. He was good. But not THAT good.
- Give votes to people outside the Baseball Writers Association of America. More bloggers, maybe long time season ticket holders, Geddy Lee, etc. It’d be nice if there was an acknowledgement of voices outside this antiquated old boys club.

A few additional refinements would need to occur but in the meantime, here is a roll call of the players and non-players that I’d have inducted immediately into the Baseball Hall of Fame 2.0. Comments in parenthesis where warranted.

Position Players
- Alex Rodriguez
- Barry Bonds (100% no brainer.)
- Chipper Jones
- Craig Biggio (Personally, a far superior player to Ryne Sandberg overall plus he spent more years on the Astros than Sandberg did on the Cubs. So there.)
- Derek Jeter
- Ichiro Suzuki (See Appendix A)
- Ivan Rodriguez
- Jim Thome (A guy who is on the bubble in reality but I think he needs to make it. He gets fingered as largely a “counting stats” guy but check out the career OBP. It’s more than solid.)
- Manny Ramirez (In spite of his pathetic 2011 retirement episode.)
- Mark McGwire
- Omar Vizquel (Basically a modern day equivalent of Luis Aparicio and Ozzie Smith. Plus he’s apparently friendly as hell.)
- Pete Rose (Needs to get in ASAP. He is kooky but putting Pete Rose in the initial wave of inductees for HOF 2.0 would be a MAJOR news story.)
- Rafael Palmeiro (Similar to Thome in terms of longevity. Although that insincere finger pointin’ episode in Congress is so laughable, it basically hit The Reset Button on his credibility.)
- Sammy Sosa (His skin is bleached now apparently.)

Pitchers

- Greg Maddux
- John Smoltz (I like the parallels with Dennis Eckersley.)
- Mariano Rivera
- Pedro Martinez
- Randy Johnson
- Roger Clemens (Such an a-hole but on stats alone, easily one of the Top Five pitchers ever.)
- Tom Glavine
- Trevor Hoffman (I could see him and Rivera as maybe the last two closers ever elected to the HOF. Managers and General Managers alike are getting wise to the fact that investing in any closer long term is not good for business. The BJ Ryan contract with the Blue Jays might turn out to be one of the more influential contract bombs of the past decade.)

Everybody Else

- Bill James, statistician
- Billy Martin, manager
- Bobby Cox, manager
- Dave Duncan, pitching coach
- Donald Fehr, head of Major League Baseball Players Association (Most annoyed looking HOF 2.0 member.)
- Joe Torre, manager
- John Schuerholz, general manager
- Leo Mazzone, pitching coach (HOF 2.0 member most likely to be mistaken for somebody with nerve damage.)
- Marvin Miller, head of Major League Baseball Players Association (It took a United Steelworker to obliterate MLB’s infamous reserve clause. Miller’s handiwork was effectively ground zero for the escalation of MLB player salaries over the past 40 years.)
- Scott Boras, player agent (Evil but deserving, based on influence and fear alone.)
- Sean Forman, website founder (Founder of BaseballReference.com, easily the most referenced MLB website of the past decade.)
- Tim Dierkes, website founder (Tim created to horribly addictive MLBTradeRumors website and could be a gateway to a new wave of MLB influencers from outside the immediate circle.)
- Tony La Russa, manager

Appendix A

The Reset Button is on the bubble over whether there should be a fourth category for individuals who were “Historically significant and/or memorable” rather than “Great”. Occasionally, a player such as Ichiro Suzuki can be both. If it’s given a go, here are a few names of players and non-players who should be considered:
- Andy Van Slyke
- Bo Jackson
- Curt Flood
- Curtis Pride
- Doc Ellis
- Fernando Valenzuela
- Jim Abbott
- Jim Eisenreich
- Jim Morris
- Lenny Dykstra
- Roger McDowell
- Tug McGraw
- Turk Wendell
- Billy Beane, general manager
- Charlie Finley, owner
- Don Zimmer, manager/coach
- Lou Piniella, manager
- Walt Hriniak, hitting coach

Special Report: Ten Non-Goth Goth Songs

2011-06-26T13:08:00.000-07:00

This is a definition of "gothic rock" from our friends over at Wikipedia. Thanks!

Gothic rock takes the guitar and synthesizer sounds of post-punk and uses them to construct "foreboding, sorrowful, often epic soundscapes". According to music journalist Simon Reynolds, standard musical fixtures of the genre include "scything guitar patterns, high-pitched basslines that often usurped the melodic role; beats that were either hypnotically dirgelike or 'tribal'". Reynolds described the vocal style as consisting of "deep, droning alloys of Jim Morrison and Leonard Cohen". Many goth bands use drum machines that do not stress the back beat in the rhythm. Also, they tend to play the flanging guitar effect, producing a brittle, cold, and harsh sound that contrasted with their psychedelic rock predecessors. Gothic rock typically deals with dark themes addressed through lyrics and the music atmosphere. The poetic sensibilities of the genre led gothic rock lyrics to exhibit literary romanticism, morbidity, religious symbolism, and/or supernatural mysticism.

Ok, fair enough. So this covers the Cure, Bauhaus, the Birthday Party, Sisters of Mercy, etc. But what about the first Sinead O'Connor album? Kinda sorrowful and kinda epic if you ask me. What about Godspeed You! Black Emperor? In the late Nineties, nobody was making soundscapes like these super serious Montrealers. PLUS they sang about a wallet full of blood. A wallet full!

Also, into the conversation, you need to add the Smashing Pumpkins, the Stranglers, Screamin' Jay Hawkins, Johnny Cash, Grace Slick (enjoyed making scary faces at the camera), the Rapture, Warpaint, Sarah McLachlan, Helium. And how about Enya? By definition, Enya could be considered goth as (heck)!

The point of this hyperbole is that in a sea of ridiculously vague musical subgenres, few are as ridiculous as "gothic rock". And to help burst the bubble of thousands of suburban white kids clad in black dusters, here is a list of ten non-goth goth songs. Prove me wrong!

“A Song for Europe” by Roxy Music

Bryan Ferry straddles the line between creepy and goth on “A Song for Europe”, an early indication that Roxy Music had way (slightly?) more depth than the topless females on their album covers would indicate. A disjointed eulogy to the continent, Ferry growls and brays his way through the lyrics, rhyming “sorrow” and “no tomorrow” (pretty goth!!) , and sounding positively bummed throughout. Bonus points for the bizarre outro that features Ferry scatting in Latin and French—hey, he’s bummed so cut him some slack. The finest song that Nick Cave never wrote.

“(Don’t Fear) The Reaper” by Blue Oyster Cult

What’s not to like/fear about “(Don’t Fear) The Reaper”: unsettling guitar riffs, emotionless vocals, lyrics that talk about dying AND that dastardly SOB, “the reaper”. That’s messed up! Blue Oyster Cult never came close to matching the commercial success of this 1976 downer and yet they continue to make bread on the casino circuit, chugging away and busting out this track that could easily be filed as the first true goth rock song IMHO.

"In the Air Tonight" by Phil Collins

Who knew this annoying bald dude could pen such a dark, dour number … and get props from such known haters as Nas and Eminem in the process. Phil Collins’ minor key masterstroke was recorded over 30 years ago but holds up IMHO and in fact, becomes more and more spooky as the world continues to move away from analog. May I be so bold as to suggest that given the song was recorded in 1979, it easily could’ve taken off a small amount of its studio sheen and slotted nicely on to Joy Division’s Unknown Pleasures. Sounds ridiculous but seriously, I don’t think it’s so farfetched. The video is equally as terrifying: a prolonged close up of Phil Collins’ face(!!)

“Edge of Seventeen” by Stevie Nicks

Stevie Nicks always had a bit of a Wiccan edge to her and she brought this side of her coked-out self to the mainstream on “Edge of Seventeen”, anchored by its trademark guitar riff and Nicks’ mournful lyrics about death and dying. For years, I thought this was a Concrete Blonde track, which is ridiculous considering Nicks’ trademark howl is amongst the most recognizable in rock music. Sadly, the song became slightly less goth when Destiny’s Child decided to sample it for “Bootylicious”. Jelly goth.

"Feeling Gravitys Pull" by R.E.M.

This track is most memorable for the disjointed guitar work of Peter Buck that kicked off R.E.M.’s difficult third full-length, Fables of the Reconstruction. “Feeling Gravitys Pull” still sounded like R.E.M. but also sounded a bit… off. Steep in a vague exploration of the mythology of the South (if you believe Wikipedia, anyway), this is one of the more creepy cuts from the R.E.M. discography and grows more and more obtuse on repeat listens. It sounds like a band trying to reclaim its edge by throwing spooky stuff into the works, even though the fop-haired mid-Eighties Michael Stipe was a massive wimp and would look like a complete tool in a black trench coat.

"The Ledge" by the Replacements

Minneapolis might not strike the average listener as a very goth city but there is something pretty unsettling about this 1987 number from the Replacements. Paul Westeberg and friends seem like the type of band who'd prefer to injure goths rather than serenade them. And yet the despondent chord structure and lyricism of "The Ledge" is filled with plenty of angst and isn’t too far removed from The Mission and bands of this ilk. After all, “The Ledge” is not only about ledges—it’s about people who are looking to jump off ledges. Unfortunately, the tune looses a few points for mentioning donuts. Maybe they’re blood-filled donuts. It doesn’t specify.

"Dirty Diana" by Michael Jackson

“Thriller” is not goth so don’t go there, girlfriend! But maybe, just maybe, this somewhat-forgotten single from Bad is. “Dirty Diana” is supposedly about a groupie gone bad. So in MJ's case, it's about a bratty 8-year old boy. It’d be hard for MJ’s massive vocals to pull off a legit goth track but with some help from Billy Idol's guitar player Steve Stevens, he gave it his best shot on "Dirty Diana". If this ever ended up in the hands of Peter Murphy or Gavin Friday, there would be some serious potential for some minor key madness.

"Come Undone" by Duran Duran

It’s pretty amazingly that an antiquated act like Duran Duran struck commercial gold in 1993, given the tastes of the day veered strongly towards flannel and gansta rap. Maybe it’s because the band used a few delicious droplets of goth to build out “Come Undone”, a sultry, sleezy ode to… um, coming undone. It’s certainly way more pop than goth. But still—the vocals and guitar set a sinister tone. Plus the video is pretty badass, as there are few things more goth than sea turtles and crustaceans.

"Here With Me" by Dido

Very similar in sound and feel to the aforementioned Duran Duran track, the debut single from Dido is urban and haunting and textured. Her audience may have been largely teenage girls but whatever the case, Dido took a page from Sarah McLachlan and created a Top 20 smash that was both memorable and just a bit sinister—a tough double play to pull off. Unfortunately, the marketing machine behind Dido never gave her a chance to become a hero to the pale teenagers in black nail polish, considering she looked more like a 12-year old boy than a banshee.

"Hometown Glory" by Adele

This song should be considering goth if only due to the fact that is rallying against one’s hometown is practically a national pastime in the Goth Nation (GN). I blame society. Again, Adele doesn’t look the part but her sense of drama and dynamics (and her love of black clothing) could render her a goth icon if she was spun a bit differently. Instead, she got a bit too soulful and is now selling out hockey arenas. Oh well. Liz Fraser would have a field day with this cut. Hometowns suck.

Special Report: Canadian Musical Copycats 1.0

2011-06-19T17:09:00.001-07:00

There is no denying that art influences art. As one of the finest (and most shallow) thinkers of our time once quipped: What is art? Are we art? Is art art?

This fact has never been lost on cagey record labels and A&R types, who tend to focus on artists who seem familiar rather than those who don't. Nowhere was this more apparent than in Canada during the latter third of the 20th century, when a great many of the Canadian artists you'd hear on the radio were essentially the domestic counterparts of popular favourites from the United States or UK. Sometimes, the lines drawn were completely superficial and had little to do with how the music actually sounded. They had more to do with pants and lighting and hair and sunglasses.

Example: the video for I Mother Earth "So Gently We Go". The clip seemingly was influenced by the videos for Temple of the Dog "Hunger Strike" and Blind Melon "No Rain"--in retrospect, 1992-1994 was a watershed time for "Hey, look at us! We’ve set up our instruments in a field!" music videos. Now, not only was I Mother Earth similar to these other bands in their desire to crouch in long grass, they were also similar in their look and appearance: reasonably good looking white guys in hemp necklaces and considerable haircuts. But otherwise, these three outfits were pretty different in terms of how they sounded. I Mother Earth were friggin' heavy when they wanted to be. Blind Melon were quirky and poppy, almost veering into Violent Femmes territory at times. Temple of the Dog were austere and earnest. But the end game was the same: Canadian fans of Temple of the Dog and Blind Melon now had a new band to enjoy with minimal effort and transition. Again, purely from a superficial level since they'd never even consider getting into I Mother Earth if they looked like the guys in Poison. This was 1994.

Canadian popular music history is wrack with these kind of case studies but to be fair, it works both ways.

One could suggest that Toronto's Fifth Column helped pave the way (and mold the template) for the unbathed ladies of Bikini Kill, Huggy Bear and much of the Riot Girl movement, considering their roots go back to the early Eighties. As an aside, Fifth Column had a tune called "The Fairview Mall Story" about a gay police shakedown that took place at this North York shopping plaza during the mid-Eighties. It was rather exciting to hear people singing about Fairview (in spite of the subject matter) since I grew up five minutes away. I only wish Hayden, Poledo or the Scam Artists could've written a tune about the much maligned Thornhill Square during its heyday. Hot Diggity Dog, Key Nook--we will never, EVER forget you.

Likewise, the Germs (or at least their brain dead singer, Darby Crash) were basically a SoCal version of what Steve "Nazi Dog" Leckie and the Viletones were doing up north months prior. However, one could also argue that both these numbskulls were just taking Iggy Pop's shtick and putting a regional spin on something that wasn't theirs to begin with.

So yeah, both ways but moreso Canada aping elsewhere. Here are 10 life-altering proof points. All “net new”.

Lighthouse - Canada's answer to Chicago

To be honest, this is based entirely upon a decade long confusion between "Saturday in the Park" and "Sunny Days". Turns out both tunes were released in 1972 and both outfits put out their debut full-length in 1969. I'm going to plead ignorance on this since I wasn't ever born when this was all going down.

Dalbello - Canada's answer to Cyndi Lauper

OK, this is more like it and similar to the I Mother Earth/Temple of the Dog/Blind Melon example from earlier. Lisa Dalbello seemed to be cultivating an image that was very similar to Cyndi Lauper, with bits of Siouxsie Sioux thrown in for good measure. But sound-wise, miles apart. Lauper was Top 40 all the way, focusing on party tunes and big ballads. Dalbello was more obscure, sounding like a less theatrical version of Kate Bush or Grace Jones with hooks awash in the overproduced, synth-heavy style of the times. Unrelated, Dalbello's "Tango" is a candidate for most ridiculous-yet-awesome track of 1987. She is also somewhat foxy in the facial department. I mean, she looks a bit like a fox.

Doug and the Slugs - Canada's answer to Huey Lewis and the News

Sweaty, brash bar bands with gregarious everymen out front. This one is way, way too obvious. The late Doug Bennett never had the chiselled good looks of Huey Lewis but that didn't stop he and his Slugs from capitalizing on the... Wikipedia update: Many of the Slugs' biggest hits actually hit before the News had their first Billboard Top 10 smash. So perhaps the climate was just right for blue collar rock bands that appealed to factory workers who enjoyed a solid pop hook but found the Cars and Cheap Trick "too weird". Let's go with that.

Kon Kan - Canada's answer to the Pet Shop Boys

This is interesting. Based on marketing alone, you’d think Kon Kan were positioned to be Canada’s answer to the Pet Shop Boys: two dudes—one out front delivering deadpan vocals with the other in back, messing around with a synthesizer and seemingly the “brains” of the operation. Often while wearing a hat. Um, this sounds like Neil Tennant and Chris Lowe to a tee, no? And yet in sound and composition, one could argue that Kon Kan were more akin to M|A|R|R|S or the Timelords, since all three outfits managed to score mainstream hits with quirky sampling and dance beats, effectively predating the whole early 00s mash-up craze by over a decade. Interesting indeed and I still think “I Beg Your Pardon (I Never Promised You a Rose Garden)” is one of the more bizarre singles to ever make the Canadian Top 20.

Sheree – Canada’s answer to Taylor Dayne

I seriously hope there was a meeting at BMG’s Canadian HQ in the late Eighties where some skeevy dude with a ponytail uttered, “Find me Canada’s Taylor Dayne. Pronto!” Or something like that. It’s one of the only plausible explanations as to why Sheree (not to be mistaken with Sheree) got signed. In fairness, Taylor Dayne was kind huge at the time so it was a calculated risk. But it both instances, it showed that sassy blondes often have a limited shelf life in the music business, with the possible exception of Edgar Winter.

Bootsauce - Canada's answer to the Red Hot Chili Peppers

An embarrassment on multiple levels, Bootsauce might be the ultimate Canadian copycat example of the last quarter century. For those not hip to the scene, Bootsauce were a group of funky customers from Montreal who were barfed out on to Much Music in the early Nineties, après the success of the Red Hot Chilli Peppers, Jane’s Addiction and other groovy rock bands featuring shirtless dudes playing slap bass. These guys were super annoying and yet scored a few mid-sized hits, namely a cover of Hot Chocolate’s “Everyone’s a Winner”. Luckily, they had zero staying power while the Peppers quickly veered into M.O.R. territory by the late Nineties. Lesser of two evils?

Delerium - Canada's answer to Enigma

The concept of blending beats, Gregorian chants and classical is still pretty obtuse by today’s standards but also completed dated considering the notion enjoyed its commercial peak close to two decades ago. Enigma pioneered this sound with their creepy 1990 smash “Sadeness” (what’s with the extra ‘e’ BTW?!?) and birthed a few ill-advised imitators. Delerium were one such outfit as some dudes from Front Line Assembly smoothed their MO post-“Sadeness” to spit out a few decent singles that appealed to smug urban dwellers. Then, Portishead showed up and everybody glommed on to that for a while. File all this (stuff) under “What would Dead Can Dance do?” and I guarantee that people wouldn’t have danced to “Flowers Become Screens” if Enigma hadn’t come first.

The Gandharvas – Canada’s answer to Blind Melon

This is an example that is entirely based on two tracks: the aforementioned “No Rain” and the Gandharvas’ only major commercial smash, “The First Day of Spring”. May I be so bold as to suggest it’s impossible to like one without liking the other? The vocals, the arrangement, the timing, the clothes. Everything points to YES and everything points to somebody trying to break this London outfit as Canada’s trippy, dippy approximation of Blind Melon. Even better, you could argue that the Gandharvas second biggest track “Downtime” was basically a Canadian take on the Pixies’ earthy classic “Dig for Fire”. So similar, man!

SIANspheric - Canada's answer to My Bloody Valentine and/or Slowdive

Burlington, Ontario shoegazers SIANspheric clearly took notes when listening to their Slowdive and My Bloody Valentine albums, as their mammoth debut Somnium was heavily indebted to these bands in sound, texture and even cover art. That being said, it seems that anybody who was a fan of this album or saw SIANspheric live would contend that they were every bit the equal of their UK forefathers and have subtly released one of the stronger Canadian debut albums in recently memory. But man, the cover art for Somnium looks like a dot matrix equivalent of Loveless.

The Stills - Canada's answer to Interpol

A final example and one that took place right as the record industry was imploding. The Stills were marketed as dark, brooding and influenced by the murky edges of Britpop and Joy Division/the Cure/etc. Essentially, the exact same image that Interpol used to bust out of New York in 2002. Unfortunately, Interpol were kinda drab and their songs didn’t really have legs beyond their year of release IMHO. The math is pretty simple if you extend to the Stills.

Trade Winds: Real Housewives 2.0

2011-06-13T13:31:00.000-07:00

Despite their shared loves of spray tans and delusion, Danielle Staub and Camille Grammer are clearly cut from different cloths. The former is a paranoid, tortured soul with a checkered past and a will to make things right (supposedly) for her impressionable daughters. The latter is self-absorbed, spacey and may have a legit personality disorder. That being said, these women are beloved for their ability to ruin dinner parties and play "the victim" as needed--an important skill in Housewives Land. While it appears both are off the Bravo payroll, here is a look at what could transpire if these two troublemakers ever swapped addresses.

... again, not that I care.

The Trade
To The Real Housewives of New Jersey: Camille Grammer
To The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills: Danielle Staub

The Impact

The Real Housewives of New Jersey
The arrival of this minor TV celebrity causes quite the stir in Jersey, namely amongst Teresa Giudice (who half-heartedly tries to befriend Camille before hurling pasta AT her) and Caroline Manzo (who never addresses Camille without starting each sentence with "Listen, you..."). An appearance by Camille's psychic friend Allison Dubois further fans the flames, with the medium offering bold predictions about future financial woes (and potential jail time) for Teresa's husband Joe and suggesting that the Manzon clan is, in fact, NOT thick as thieves. These words obviously lead to a customary freakout from Teresa (sauce and bruschetta to the floor) and Allison calmly absorbing the action while puffing on her electronic cigarette. All the while, Camille appears confused by the conflict, chalking the entire episode up to jealousy and misunderstanding. An additional story arch will feature Camille and Jacqueline Laurita shopping at Kim D's strip mall boutique, Posche, with Camille purchasing a pair of slacks and a great top.

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills
Upon arrival to her digs deep within the Hollywood Hills, Danielle immediately calls in her wingman "Danny" to keep guard of the place 24/7. After all, she trusts the hell out of him. Unfortunately, she has trouble keeping her nose clean as soon as she ventures on to Rodeo Drive. Verbal fisticuffs ensue with Kyle Richards. Origins unclear. Something about Danielle flashing "bedroom eyes" in the direction of Kyle's man, Mauricio. This triggers shouting match #2,105 between Kim Richards and her arch rival, Taylor Armstrong. When asked about the verbal sparring after the fact, Kim says, "Huh?". Meanwhile, "Danny" spends his downtime casing various multi-million estates and striking up a fast friendship with the frumpy Ken Vanderpump. These odd bedfellows concoct a low level ponzi scheme with "Danny" doing most of the grunt work, due largely to Ken's unwillingness to put his beloved pooch Giggy on the ground for even a second.

Reset: Charity Supergroups of the Eighties

2011-06-07T18:10:00.000-07:00

What

In the mid-1980s, something pop musicians liked… no, LOVED to do was…

- organize themselves via the telephone

- gather in large recording studios with plenty of news crews present (often wearing sweaters)

- stand in tiered formations on carpeted sound stages (all bodies facing the same direction)

- belt out overwrought tunes, often with eyes welled shut and a metric ton of earnestness.

Now, good natured bitchiness aside, the charity supergroup phenomenon no doubt raised millions for those in need (namely, starving Ethiopians) and drew awareness to causes in need of awareness. That’s a good thing. The trend kinda fizzled by the end of the decade, in spite of fine efforts from Voices That Care (featuring an incredible bevy of singing NBA talent plus Kenny G, Orel Hershiser, Fred Savage... it's kind of incredible) and We’re All in the Same Gang (featuring a strangely thuggish Tone-Loc and the last known sighting of JJ Fad).

We’re about due for a renaissance so this reset of USA for Africa, Northern Lights and Band Aid is a great first step. Enjoy!

Components

Too many to list here. See resets below with a few snide remarks for good measure.

Replacement Parts

USA FOR AFRICA

Al Jarreau => Akon

Bette Midler => Queen Latifah

Billy Joel => Bruno Mars

Bob Dylan => Tom Petty

Bob Geldof => Chris Martin (Coldplay)

Bruce Springsteen => Eminem

Cyndi Lauper => Lady Gaga

Dan Aykroyd => Mike Myers

David Paich and Steve Porcaro (Toto) => Andrew VanWyngarden and Benjamin Goldwasser (MGMT)

Diana Ross => Mariah Carey

Dionne Warwick => Mary J Blige
Hall & Oates => 3OH!3

Harry Belafonte => Enrique Iglesias

Huey Lewis and the News => OK Go

Jacksons, The => Backstreet Boys
James Ingram => T-Pain

Jeffrey Osborne => Cee Lo Green

Kenny Loggins => Jason Mraz

Kenny Rogers => Kenny Chesney

Kim Carnes => Sara Bareilles

La Toya Jackson => Ke$ha

Lindsey Buckingham (Fleetwood Mac) => Rob Thomas

Lionel Richie => Usher

Michael Jackson => Justin Timberlake

Paul Simon => Jack Johnson

Pointer Sisters, The => Black Eyed Peas, The

Quincy Jones => Timbaland

Ray Charles => Randy Newman

Sheila E => P!nk

Smokey Robinson => Maxwell

Steve Perry (Journey) => Patrick Monahan (Train)

Stevie Wonder => John Legend

Tina Turner => Beyonce

Waylon Jennings => Steve Earle

Willie Nelson => Kris Kristofferson

Notes

- The Springsteen/Eminem reset may raise a few eyebrows. But seriously, Eminem probably “speaks” to as many average Americans in 2011 as “The Boss” did back in 1985.

- The hardest reset may have been the Pointer Sisters. Is there even a popular girl group remaining in this climate? I’ve never really thought about it but after Britney Spears showed up, all the marketing went into creating divas rather than girl groups. Unique! I yearn for Zhane.

- Why did Dan Akroyd sing on this track? He was neither American nor a musician. What a farce!

- The highlight of any music by USA4A 2.0 would no doubt be T-Pain and Akon’s Autotuned contributions. Can you be earnest via Autotune? Doubt it.

NORTHERN LIGHTS, THE

Aldo Nova => Down with Webster

Alfie Zappacosta => Matthew Good

Andy Kim => Steven Page

Anne Murray => Shania Twain
Brian Good (Good Brothers, The) => Dallas Good (Sadies, The)

Bruce Cockburn => Ron Sexsmith

Bryan Adams => Sam Roberts

Burton Cummings (Guess Who, The) => Gord Downie (Tragically Hip, The)

Carole Pope => Tegan and Sara

Catherine O'Hara => Caroline Rhea

Corey Hart => Justin Bieber

Dan Hill => Jann Arden

Eugene Levy => Will Arnett
Frank Mills => Tony Quarrington

Geddy Lee (Rush) => Win Butler (Arcade Fire, The)

Gordon Lightfoot => Robbie Robertson

Jane Siberry => Basia Bulat

John Candy => Seth Rogen

Joni Mitchell => Sarah McLachlan

Kim Mitchell => Colin James

Liberty Silver => Jully Black

Lisa Dalbello => Bif Naked

Lorraine Segato (Parachute Club, The) => Martina Sorbara (Dragonette)

Marc Jordan => Daniel Lanois

Mark Holmes (Platinum Blonde) = Jacob Hoggard (Hedley)

Martha Johnson (Martha + the Muffins) => Emily Haines (Metric)

Mike Reno (Loverboy) => Chad Kroeger (Nickelback)

Murray McLauchlan => City and Colour

Neil Young => Leonard Cohen

Oscar Peterson => Diana Krall

Paul Anka => Matt Dusk

Paul Hyde (Payola$, The) => Carl Newman (New Pornographers, The)

Paul Shaffer => Bob Rock

Ronnie Hawkins => Greg Keelor (Blue Rodeo)

Tom Cochrane => Matt Mays

Tommy Hunter => Paul Brandt

Notes

- Clothes aren’t important but goddam, the original “Tears Are Not Enough” video has at least a dozen seriously questionable fashion choices. Even by mid-Eighties standards. Anne Murray's jumpsuit, for one.

- Metric really are basically an updated version of (Thornhill-own) Martha + the Muffins.

- Am I the only person who got really confused between Aldo Nova and Alta Moda? How the (heck) could “record execs” allow these rather different outfits with basically the same name to appear within mere years of each other.

- Fun fact: my mom, the L&D nurse, delivered children for two original Northern Lights (Dan Hill and Mark Holmes… or somebody from Platinum Blonde, at least). She also knew Col. Sanders when the chicken dude spent some time in Mississauga during the late Sixties/early Seventies. Seriously.

BAND AID

Adam Clayton and Bono (U2) => Colin Greenwood and Thom Yorke (Radiohead)

Big Country => Mumford and Sons

Bob Geldof => Chris Martin (Coldplay)

Boomtown Rats, The => Kaiser Chiefs

Boy George => Amy Winehouse

Chris Cross and Midge Ure (Ultravox) => Bobby Gillespie and Martin Duffy (Primal Scream)

David Bowie => Mick Jagger

Duran Duran => Take That

George Michael (Wham!) => Taio Cruz

Glenn Gregory and Martyn Ware (Heaven 17) => La Roux

Holly Johnson (Frankie Goes to Hollywood) => Kele Okereke (Bloc Party)

James "J.T." Taylor and Robert 'Kool' Bell (Kool & The Gang) => Suggs and Mike Barson (Madness)

Jim Kerr (Simple Minds) => Tom Chaplin (Keane)

Jody Watley => Natasha Bedingfield

Keren Woodward (Bananarama) => Geri Halliwell (Spice Girls)

Marilyn => Mika

Paul McCartney => Elvis Costello

Paul Weller => Noel Gallagher

Paul Young => Plan B

Phil Collins => Craig David

Spandau Ballet => Goldfrapp

Status Quo => Stereophonics, The

Sting (The Police) => Seal

Tears for Fears => Muse

Notes

- This was very challenging, since at least 30% of Band Aid was made up of pale white dudes wearing “guyliner”. Not really too many modern day equivalents, at least in the UK.

- David Bowie is kind of impossible to replace. Same with Paul McCartney. The former once sang a song with Mick Jagger and the latter is buddies with Elvis Costello. Hence, the resets although I don’t love either. Other names considered: Robbie Williams, Morrissey, Robert Plant. It’s tough.

- No idea how Kool and the Gang, hailing from the very un-British enclave of New Jersey, got roped into this.

Reset Rating: 5/10

Too much ground to cover with any degree of accuracy. Fun. Neat. But ultimately, flawed.

Reset: The Usual Suspects

2011-05-30T19:16:00.000-07:00

What

Can I say something? The Usual Suspects is an overrated movie. It’s true. The poster is solid. The characters are all good to very good. But the story is just kind of convoluted and flat. It’s typical heist-run-amuck fare, with some snappy dialogue and references to the devil to give things a bit of an edge. Very much of a time and place, and not something that has aged well IMHO. The ending is good but likewise, has been blown out of proportion as being amongst the finest twists in cinematic history. It’s unfortunate because the ending is pretty solid but unless you saw the movie in its first week of release, you probably went in seeding with the “Ooh, the ending is SOOO amazing” card and then the reality is kinda underwhelming. Anything would be. Ultimately, watching The Usual Suspects is like trying to enjoy lunch at the Village on the Grange food court. It comes with a strong word-of-mouth from artsy types but ultimately, you’ll realize it’s not all that memorable and you end up getting yelled at by the owner of Karine’s. But again, the poster is solid and makes for perfect fodder, to reset the five primary leads.

Components

Stephen Baldwin as Michael McManus

Gabriel Byrne as Dean Keaton

Benicio Del Toro as Fred Fenster

Kevin Pollak as Todd Hockney

Kevin Spacey as Roger 'Verbal' Kint

Replacement Parts

Stephen Baldwin => Matthew Lillard as Michael McManus

Somebody who does wacky and manic well is needed in this role and although he’s kinda fallen off the face of the earth, this could be a vehicle to put Nineties teen slasher fave Matthew Lillard back in the public eye. Please recall he pulls off a wide range of exaggerated facial expressions and mouth gapes like it’s nobody’s business.

Also considered: Christopher Titus

Gabriel Byrne => Clive Owen as Dean Keaton

Love this swap. One cool, collected dude for another. Owen could play around with accents, practice looking conflicted, carry his trench coat while folding his arms (easier said than done) and grow his hair out a bit. It’ll be great.

Also considered: Vincent Cassel

Benicio Del Toro => John Leguizamo as Fred Fenster

It’s a shame that the career of John Leguizamo never really went to the next level. The dude has/had some seriously range and never runs the risk of being type cast, since he’s played such a myriad of roles during his long career. Guess he’s resigned to being a career “character actor”, which actually makes him a pretty good fit here.

Kevin Pollak => Jeremy Renner as Todd Hockney

A bit of a curveball but I’m confident that the versatile Renner could connect as the snide, sardonic Todd Hockney. Figured another comedian would be the logical fit but then Pollak played things pretty straight here. So eff that, man.

Kevin Spacey => Paul Giamatti as Roger 'Verbal' Kint

An example of a reset that begat an entire post. If this movie were made fresh today, Giamatti CLEARLY would play the gimpy Roger Klint with a lot of slack jawed pinache. And then the one-time “Pig Vomit” would wow the audience by walking upright at the end… while smoking a cigarette! Heady stuff indeed.

Reset Rating: 7.5/10

Solid. Unspectacular. Ends with a flourish. Kind of like this movie.

Reset: Major League Baseball Post Season Format (NHL and/or NFL edition)

2011-05-23T10:50:00.000-07:00

Please don’t read unless you’re a fan of Major League Baseball. It’s a wee bit nerdy otherwise.

What

It’s seems inevitable that Major League Baseball (MLB) is going to be allowing additional teams into the post season. As early as 2012 or shortly thereafter. The most likely scenario is an additional Wild Card team in each league, cumulated in the two Wild Card teams duking it out in the first round and then advancing to a league Final Four with the three divisional winners. The logic is to bring more prestige and importance to winning one’s division, plus the all-important advancement of revenue streams ( popcorn sales, etc). I think this logic is flawed, short-sighted… and racist! Firstly, MLB has always victimized itself on its own traditions and it is laughable that modern fare such as the designated hitter, expanded rosters and divisional realignment has continually entered into the equation on policy change. Seriously, does anybody really have any emotional connection to the twin league, three divisions per league format that MLB currently enjoys?!? It only goes back to 1995 plus it’s completely skewed considering one of the divisions (the NL Central) has six teams and one has only four (the AL West). So racist! So wrong!

Personally, I’d open the flood gates and allow up to eight more teams into the post season, shortening each non-World Series round to Best-of-Fives to combat scheduling and weather concerns, and creating an s-load of important September games in the process. Teams that have clinched berths can jockey for potential byes and home field advantage while small market teams can vie for the last few seeds. It would be very exciting and far, far less racist.

Divisional realignment notwithstanding, here is a taste of what the last two post seasons would look like if MLB adopted post season models comparable to the National Hockey League (two conferences, six divisions, eight play-off teams per conference, no byes) or the National Football League(two conferences, eight divisions, six play-off teams per conference, two byes per conference).

Clearly, this is just scheming to somehow get the Toronto Blue Jays back in the post season. At any cost. I’m Ok with this. After all, the Roger Centre (ne: SkyDome, the World’s Greatest Entertainment Centre) was once “the place to be”.

Components

See the breakdown below, including the hypothetical top three starting pitchers that each team would have fielded for these action-packed Best-of-Fives. Since honestly I don’t feel like trying to realign the divisions, let’s assume status quo on the six divisions for now.

Replacement Parts

The 2010 MLB Season

NHL Post Season Model – American League

Oakland Athletics (8) – Cahill, Gonzalez, Anderson @ Tampa Bay Rays (1) – Price, Garza, Shields

Toronto Blue Jays (7) – Marcum, Romero, Morrow @ Minnesota Twins (2) – Liriano, Pavano, Duensing

Chicago White Sox (6) – Danks, Floyd, Buerhle @ Texas Rangers (3) – Lee, Wilson, Lewis

Boston Red Sox (5) – Lester, Buchholz, Beckett @ New York Yankees (4) – Sabathia, Hughes, Pettitte

NHL Post Season Model – National League

Florida Marlins (8) – Johnson, Sanchez, Nolasco @ Philadelphia Phillies (1) – Halladay, Oswalt, Hamels

Colorado Rockies (7) – Jimenez, Chacin, de la Rosa @ San Francisco Giants (2) – Lincecum, Cain, Sanchez

St Louis Cardinals (6) – Wainwright, Carpenter, Garcia @ Cincinnati Reds (3) – Arroyo, Cueto, Wood

San Diego Padres (5) – Latos, Richard, Garland @ Atlanta Braves (4) – Hudson, Hanson, Lowe

NFL Post Season Model – American League

First round byes: Tampa Bay Rays and Minnesota Twins

Chicago White Sox (6) – Danks, Floyd, Buerhle @ Texas Rangers (3) – Lee, Wilson Lewis

Boston Red Sox (5) – Lester, Buchholz, Beckett @ New York Yankees (4) – Sabathia, Hughes, Burnett

NFL Post Season Model - National League

First round byes: Philadelphia Phillies and San Francisco Giants

St Louis Cardinals (6) – Wainwright, Carpenter, Garcia @ Cincinnati Reds (3) – Arroyo, Cueto, Wood

San Diego Padres (5) – Latos, Richard, Garland @Atlanta Braves (4) – Hudson, Hanson, Lowe

The 2009 MLB Season

NHL Post Season Model – American League

Tampa Bay Rays (8) – Shields, Garza, Niemann @ New York Yankees (1) – Sabathia, Burnett, Pettitte

Seattle Mariners (7) – Hernandez, Rowland-Smith, Fister @ Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim (2) – Weaver, Lackey, Kazmir

Detroit Tigers (6) – Verlander, Jackson, Porcello @ Minnesota Twins (3) – Baker, Blackburn, Slowey

Texas Rangers (5) – Millwood, Feldman, Hunter @ Boston Red Sox (4) – Beckett, Lester, Buchholz

NHL Post Season Model – National League

Chicago Cubs (8) – Dempster, Lilly, Zambrano @ Los Angeles Dodgers (1) – Wolf, Kershaw, Padilla

Atlanta Braves (7) – Vazquez, Jurrjens, Hanson @ Philadelphia Phillies (2) – Lee, Hamels, Martinez

Florida Marlins (6) – Johnson, Nolasco, Sanchez @ St Louis Cardinals (3) – Carpenter, Wainwright, Pineiro

San Francisco Giants (5) @ Colorado Rockies (4) – Jimenez, de la Rosa, Marquis

NFL Post Season Model – American League

First round byes: New York Yankees and Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim

Detroit Tigers (6) – Verlander, Jackson, Porcello @ Minnesota Twins (3) – Baker, Blackburn, Slowey

Texas Rangers (5) – Millwood, Feldman, Hunter @ Boston Red Sox (4) – Beckett, Lester, Buchholz

NFL Post Season Model- National League

First round byes: Los Angeles Dodgers and Philadelphia Phillies

Florida Marlins (6) – Johnson, Nolasco, Sanchez @ St Louis Cardinals (3) – Carpenter, Wainwright, Pineiro

San Francisco Giants (5) @ Colorado Rockies (4) – Jimenez, de la Rosa, Marquis

Note: There is some nice parity here. Only the Philadelphia Phillies would’ve received first round bye in each of the two seasons under the NFL model. And under the NHL model, there’d be a five team different for post season qualifiers between the two seasons. This is solid.

Reset Rating: 10/10

Bud, make this or some semblance of this happen. Stat!