The Retail Girl's Letters

Changes...

2012-01-30T21:54:00.000-08:00

"For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also" (Matthew 6:21)

A big reason I haven't been posting for a while is that we have had so many changes occur in the past month and a half. Some changes have been challenges, some trials, and some huge blessings. My husband got a new job, hopefully with benefits. I found out I was pregnant. We all got sick. We might move again. Some things will never be the same.

I am so grateful for the past two years. It was an amazing and thrilling bubble. But I also look back and see how much having a family has changed me. I am always surprised by people who cannot handle a change of routine or schedule, that, seems daily to me. Parenthood requires so much patience and flexibility from me. If I had lived this month and a half three or four years ago, I wouldn't have been able to handle it.

The best part about all of these changes happening at once is that I learned to grow a backbone and decide what was really important or necessary in my family life. In the past few days, to help get through everything, I found myself talking in anecdotes or adages. Its a little creepy, but somehow very effective.

I don't really believe in New Years Resolutions, its silly, but after this chaotic month, I have decided to take stock, inventory and focus on my interior and our home. Below, well, they could be resolutions, mantras, anecdotes, or just new ways of coping with constant change. At any rate, I feel like I'm shedding an old life and proceeding to a new one and I really hope there will be people that I know in that world. I guess its like starting on the first day of school, or like my husband, at a new job.

Changes come in threes, fours, fives or in an infinite amount at one time. What I do and how I treat others in the face of these changes is what is really important.

This year is the time to close some doors to the past. I am so grateful for that past, the doors will be unlocked, but I am closing them.

I am closing doors, but opening the treasure box of my heart to do some serious inventory.

I am going to choose to be around people who are focused on bettering the interior (soul/well being) and are not focused on changing everyone and everything in their exterior.

I'm going to do one thing at a time and do it well until its complete. Distractions of the spiritual or petty kind will be ignored.

The chance for me to be negative is an opportunity for the devil to be victorious.

And last of all, my constant prayer, Through God, all things are possible.(Matthew 19:26)

My reading right now...

2012-01-27T12:56:00.000-08:00

....is sadly sparse. I love to read and will read almost anything. Well, except for those lame twilight books. Or those stupid romance books. Or some silly true crime book. Oh well you get the point.

If I had my way, I would allot an hour a night to reading and read whatever I like. However, right now, I am preparing for baby 2.0. In the first pregnancy I got every book under the sun. You name it, I have it. I think I gave one away, otherwise, I have a pregnancy reference library.

So how did I miss this one the first time around?

I think I avoided reading it because we opted to have a hospital birth, my husband was more comfortable with it.
Looking back, I wish I had read this. If you are pregnant (first or next) you should read this. It will change your heart.

A New New Year and A Happy One...

2012-01-24T20:20:00.000-08:00

I see the last time I posted anything was on November 10th. Thinking back this makes sense.
We have been sick.

I have learned that after children turn one they become the cutest harbingers of disease and pestilence. From the week after Roland's first birthday until...well now, we have been sick. Flu? We got it before they offered us the shot. Head Cold? How many? I don't remember. Bronchitis? You Bet! Sinus Infection? Four! Noro Virus and trip to the hospital? What winter would be complete without it?

In the realm of giving advice to parents-to-be, I would have to say, "brace yourself and go with the flow". You will get sick and so will your kid. I met a mother last summer who gasped at the thought of her baby getting sick. Well, it happens. Is it scary? Well, yeah but not really.

I am reassured by several pediatricians that my son will have a strong and healthy immune system by the time he starts preschool. I feel like threatening them with "You better be right or I'll scalp you in your sleep".

Being sick has been our hobby for the past few months and thankfully I can take a lot of positive thoughts from the experience. I'm not very good at phrasing my "happy" thoughts right now, but a good and local friend managed to do just that in her latest post. Of course, this friend always has some nice quote ready to cheer and rally my spirit! I'm adding her blog to my blog roll, I hope you enjoy.

Last of all, we have been busy, and I have sadly neglected my blog, but for good reasons. On St. Lucy's Day, I found out I was pregnant with our second child. We are so thrilled and really can't wait. I am planning a homebirth with a midwife who has delivered some of my friends babies. I really can't wait for the experience.
For Christmas, I found out our family would grow, but as I told my midwife, waiting this time around for this one to gestate, is like waiting for Christmas day all over again.

Housekeeping Motivation...

2011-11-10T08:40:00.000-08:00

Is it sad that some days the only way I motivate myself to clean the house is to play the theme to 'Downton Abbey"?

Furthermore, what does that make me? Am I the scullery maid? Certainly not a Lady's Servant since I live with two dudes. Maybe I'll start talking in a cockney dialect while I do laundry.
Yeah, that'll make it more fun.

Fine Tuned Tuna Noodle Casserole

2011-11-04T14:58:00.000-07:00

I never had Tuna Noodle Casserole growing up. My mom did not like canned tuna, so we never had it. I think I was about 15 when I finally had it at a friends house. I fell in love. It was like going behind my moms back and rebelling.
Once in a while I love to have it. I think its just a great comfort food to have in ones repertoire. Its relatively cheap to make and if you use WIC checks, you already have a ton of tuna on hand.
Yesterday I decided I wanted to make hardcore REAL tuna noodle casserole. I googled the term and found several recipes, most I didn't like or was disgusted by (really? Crisco is your first ingredient?). I decided then that I wanted to come up with a recipe that was 1.easy 2. cheap 3. relatively healthy (as far as casseroles are concerned).
Here is what I came up with:

-1 bag of whole wheat egg noodles
- half of a white onion (green onions would be freakin awesome but labor intensive to cut up, you decide)
-One large can of Sweet Peas
-One bunch of fresh organic spinach (remember spinach is one of those offenders that is easily tainted by pesticides stick to organic)
- Two cans of cream of mushroom soup
-Whole or 2% milk (if you aren't going the healthy route use half & half or heavy cream...I dare you)
-two cans of tuna in water (don't get it in vegetable oil, it won't work for this particular recipe) You can also substitute with canned salmon which has a lower mercury level.
-bread crumbs or Panko
- shredded medium cheddar cheese , about 3 cups worth

In a large pot,cook the noodles in water that has a tsp. of olive oil and salt.
While the noodles cook, chop up the onion. You can either dice the spinach or use a blender to chop it.
Once the noodles are cooked according to the packaging, drain.
In the same pot that you cooked the noodles add the two cans of soup. Using ONE of the cans, add the milk. What this means is that the sauce is two parts soup, one part milk.
Use a spoon and stir until the soup is no longer lumpy on medium heat. Stir in tuna and noodles.
Use some elbow grease now!
Last of all, reduce the heat and add the veggies.

Stir until all ingredients are combined. In a greased pan pour half of the mixture. Sprinkle half of the cheese and add the rest of the mixture.
Sprinkle the top with the rest of the cheese. Now here is where you can get creative. For an easy crispy topping just use bread crumbs. If you are unhealthy and a casserole purist, you can add crumbled potato chips. I have a one year old to feed so...no potato chips. If you want the texture of potato chips without the unhealthy, add Panko breading in the last 15 minutes of cook time. Panko breading is awesome but a little temperamental and susceptible to going soggy.

Ok so if you are preparing this early in the day ( As I often do) put it in the fridge. When you are ready to cook it, preheat the oven 350 degrees and bake for half an hour or until the top is crispy.
If you are baking it immediately after preparation, preheat your oven 350 and bake for 20 min. or until the top is crispy.

And now a quick word. I think the intention of casseroles should be that they are an inexpensive meal that provides good nutrition. Hence the fresh, raw spinach. When you eat this casserole, you will find the spinach is still a little raw. Thats a good thing!
There is a lot of slick marketing right now about "Iron Fortified" food. well, yes...it is fortified, but not as completely or cheaply as just using iron rich fresh foods. I sneak diced raw spinach in everything. You could add it to pasta sauce or the meatballs that you are making for spaghetti. And guess what? Its the easiest, cheapest source that you can get!

Last of all, you may notice there is no seasoning in this recipe. You only salt the water to boil the noodles. I forgot to add any seasoning. Guess what? It was awesome without any! I would suggest a little (maybe a tsp.) of Old Bay Seasoning or just a hint of Paprika ( in most of the standard recipes I found this was the main seasoning). My main point is, you really don't need ANY salt for this. The soup is salted and concentrated enough, the cheese, tuna and onion add all the flavor you need.

The great thing about a recipe like this is that you can modify it as you please (i.e. potato chips and heavy cream). It makes a lot so you can freeze some of it for another week. You can also reduce the recipe by half if you live by yourself.
I hope you enjoy!

One year

2011-10-09T22:50:00.000-07:00

I've been busy. Every time I start a post something happens. Boy wakes up from a nap, dogs bark, husband gets home and is grumblely. I miss blogging and I have plenty ideas, but very little time. I notice this is a trend in other parenting blogs that I follow.
But really, I'm ok with having some half finished blog posts because today recentered me.

Today is my sons first birthday.
I woke up yesterday at 5 AM. That was the same time I woke up a year ago.
A year later I began the hour by hour memories of what it took to have my son. At 5:30 am last year my water broke after I heard that the Giants were in the running for the World Series, I have a son, what can I say, he needed incentive.
A year ago yesterday at 8:30pm I was having horrible Cytotec contractions that lasted until 3 am when I got the epidural.

Throughout today I thought about exactly where I was and what I was doing at what hour. And then 4pm rolled around. Getting closer. Today we ate dinner with my sister-in-law, came home and played.
At 5:30 Roland is sitting in his chair eating cheerios. A year ago I had been pushing for three hours, the doctors were now telling me to choose between using the vacuum or having a c-section. I was sobbing.
At 5:45 he was born. This year, he was eating cheerios and dancing to "The circle will be unbroken". At that moment I started to cry.
I remembered his first look at me, how he grabbed my hand when they placed him on my chest. I remember his eyes were so powerfully dark and strong. Sometimes, he still gives me that look and his eyes still pierce my heart. Tonight, he looked at me with a crooked glances as I cried.
This past year has been the best year of my life. It has been the most testing, frustrating, emotional year, but also the most rewarding, fullfilling and blessed.
I rediscovered poetry. I learned how to converse with someone. I made friends. I laughed hysterically at my son laughing hysterically at me. I learned who I can trust and I learned who needed to go on the back burner.
Most of all I learned to love.
I would love to have this past year again. I would pay money for it. I would go bankrupt for it. But then again, if I did that, I wouldn't be able to enjoy the year that is coming next!

P.S. Happy St. Denis Day

Mommy Mantras....

2011-09-22T23:58:00.000-07:00

I'm not a practitioner of eastern theology, though influenced in my travels as a high schooler when I visited Japan and Thailand. I don't believe in the use of eastern mantras, but find that certain phrases enter my mind through out the day. Strangely enough, the practice I've begun to find momentary peace happens to fit the definition of mantras . If you see me in a state of distant silence, chances are one of the following phrases is being repeated:

"Dear Jesus, please give me an increase in patience"- This one is so common that if you paid me every time I said it I would rich. Hopefully I'm now wealthy in something greater, patience. At my worst, this phrase is a great reset, reminding me that I can't have everything happen the way I want, when I want it. I don't know if I have more patience, just last Sunday I snapped at my husband out of sleepless frustration. This was followed by the "tail between legs" "I'm sorry, I'm not mad at you, it wasn't your fault, I'm just frustrated" conversation.

"Urine is a sterile substance"-this is a phrase care of my sister. It doesn't need much of an explanation. If you are a parent, you have been peed on. That is the rule, here is the mantra.

"That is their life, not yours"- I've talked about not being the "better parent" before, not comparing yourself to others and their lifestyle. Parenting isn't the only field that we play the great competition game. Money, status, self image are all susceptible to the great comparison competition. I actually worry about making sure my son doesn't realize we're poor. By that, I don't mean we live outside our means and put on airs of wealth (i.e. being mortgaged to the hilt or in extreme credit card debt). I didn't grow up with a lot and in some social circles (the private schools we attended) this was painfully obvious to others. Living in the Napa Valley, wealth, class and status are tremendous and I hope to be a buffer for my son, I hope I can make him feel confident with out wondering why we don't have fill in the blank gadget or fancy living space. I also have to be my own buffer. I see things that others have and would like to have those things too, but I don't need them. I see lifestyle choices that others make that are impossible for me, I just have to get over it and accept and love what I do have: food ( good food), a nice little roof over my head, clothes that warm or cool me, and levity in the form of pets, spouse, child and friends.

"The life span of a fly is 3-4 days". We don't have air conditioning. We don't have screens in some of our windows. But what I lack in methods of cooling the house I make up for in bugs and food scraps that attract bugs. The flies and I are having a vicious battle of the wills right now. If I don't shorten their lifespan at least I take glee in the fact that they WILL die in 3-4 days.

"Through God, all things are possible"- Parenthood makes me want to throw in the towel sometimes. I don't really have a choice in some matters and worse, some events are so out of my control. Its hard not micro managing many aspects of life, and when all hope is lost, I pray.

"Fuck it"- I know, I'm going to get some complaint for this. How could I include religion, peace and patience in the same post as the F word? Well, sometimes, I have "Fuck it" moments. You know, those moments that you get worked up about something ridiculous, you let it eat at you and your inner peace is disrupted. For example, I took my son to target to get pedalyte. He is on antibiotics and is a poop machine. I pull him out of the car and feel that he is wet. The wetness doesn't smell like pee, so I assume its sweat, it was a very hot day. Halfway to the baby isle, I feel...wet. I look down to find a giant brown wet stain traversing my torso, soaked through my shirt. My son has pooped on me...in public. I clutch him over the spot, think "fuck it" turn around and briskly walk out. It was embarrassing, yes, but it was comical as well. "Fuck it
is a freeing statement. Its a statement that means, "I'm not going to let something stupid and minute ruin my vibe or attitude. This is what I've been delt, suck it up and keep smiling."
Other uses for this wild card mantra include the times when I'm about to become unhinged by how messy my house is. When I smell a pair of pants and wonder if someone will notice the puke stain when I wear them again. When I've had three hours of sleep in a 24 hour period and the kid won't nap. When my husband doesn't fill the ice cube trays back up but rather leaves them in the sink as a subtle hint that they need filled. You see where I'm going with this? Am I ticked? Yes!!! Is it worth getting upset about? ... Fuck it.

Just a disclaimer, all of the above phrases, including the last are said internally. So no worries that I'm teaching my child unsavory language, no worries that I'm trying to evangelize the non believers, and most importantly, in regards to the flies, I WILL have the last laugh.

More Crunchy Housekeeping...

2011-08-25T13:23:00.000-07:00

I continue my quest for more natural, gentle housekeeping. The more I delve into the world of non-toxic cleaning the more I love it. I love having a house that smells fresh, but not artificial. My latest obsession is making my own carpet deoderizer.
If you have ever had to introduce solid foods to an infant, specifically at the "grab and pick" stage, you know that vacuuming becomes a hobby, not a chore. I still crack up every time I vacuum by the table and hear an earth shattering crackle as I run it over Roland's dinner space.
Unfortunately, our house has been treated twice in the past for pest control and I must admit out of all of the places I've lived in Napa, I have never delt with so many critters. We constantly wake up with spider bites, or find the trash can invaded by ants. So you seen my dismay in introducing food to a clumsy baby while battling the forces of nature with in my home. Its just another grumbly battle.

So I did some research and found that the essential oils I use for bath and infussion are way more powerful than I give them credit. Most of the oils I already had are excellent repellants for common creepy crawlers.

I mix about 3 cups of baking soda to...a lot of drops ( I really don't count I just pour) of lavender, eucalyptus, and peppermint oil. In my research I see the use of cedar and rosemary oil are also effective in flea invasions.

So taking a flour sifter I use my lovely smelling concoction and powder the room.
This mixture is such an awesome alternative to the carpet deorderizers on the market for several reasons:

1. it smells better than "wild flowers" "fresh spring" or "summer linen" all of which just smell like a perfume counter.
2. Positive vibes- Lavender has a very calming, postive effect, eucalyptus can be energizing. These "smelling notes" as I call them can have a positive influence on your surroundings and mental well-being. I like to burn lavender oil in the mornings that I have no energy or will to clean the house. Its always a mood booster!

3. Its cheaper. So a box of the commercially formulated product costs about $8-$9 bucks a pop and from previous experience, if I use it in my entire house may be good for about three cleanings. A bottle of lavender essential oil costs roughly $20 but lasts around a year or two (I bought my current bottle in January 2010). Eucalyptus, rosemary and tea tree oil are around $10 a bottle. These have lasted longer than a year because I cannot remember when I bought them, had to be around two years ago. A box of baking soda can cost from $1-$3. Soooooo do the math over a year, using the product three times a week.

I buy the cheapest house brand baking soda but love my Aura Cacia oils. The price is fair and the oils are real, sometimes cheaper imitations smell and act like they are cut with more oil or artificial perfumes.

Come Again

2011-08-22T14:48:00.000-07:00

Some fresh air...

2011-08-18T13:00:00.000-07:00

You know what I hate? Having a brand new couch that smells like B.O. and baby puke.

gross.

You know what I hate even more? The Febreze tropical scented spray.

Nasty nasty smelling stuff. Sure my couch no longer smells like B.O. and baby puke, but now it just smells like rancid fruit and rotten rhododendrons. This stuff is so pungent and painful to the nostrils, I started to feel light headed after using it.

Which lead me to think, Whole Foods always has an "all natural" alternative to everything, there must be some fabric freshener comparable but not horridly stinky.

Delving in the crunchy hippie world of housekeeping sometimes feels like a contradiction in terms. I grew up in a household that used bleach daily along with bleach, murphy's oil soap, Era detergent, bleach and...you guessed it, bleach. I think I must belong to a generation that was over perfumed and over bleached.

Before I had my son I tried using less chemicals and more natural products. I still sanitize diapers and dish towels in vinegar and use baking soda on the carpeting. What I have learned through the years is that there are a ton of awesome products, such as Method bathroom cleaners. My adventure to Whole Food's cleaning isle was a treasure trove of wonderful yet expensive products.

Which leads me to the next part of hippie cleaning consumerism. Every product is expensive. We pay extra for all of our cleaning products and detergents, yet they do last longer, and we don't reek of cleaner/ perfume.
There were two fabric "refreshers" at Whole Foods. I have tried both, begrudgingly purchasing each bottle for up to $6 a bottle, which is a little pricey in my opinion.

The first brand, Biokleen, has many products available that all smell nice and claim to be all natural. I have used their sanitizing spray in the past.

I like their freshener, it has a nice lavender scent that is not overpowering. Unfortunately their products seem to have two problems. 1) for the price you pay you get a smaller quantity which 2) it seems that you have to use more of it to make it effective. Which is a bummer because the next product I tried...

Pure Ayre was highly effective, long lasting, the same price as Biokleen but more in quantity but...smells really funky. Somewhere between pungent beeswax and...ass. Now mind you, the smell of ....ass slowly fades and the couch no longer smells like B.O., baby puke and ...ass. It just doesn't smell...pleasant. I thought maybe it would just take some getting used to and that my senses are just over taxed by perfumed products, but two months after using this product (see it lasts way longer than others) I still can't get over the strange...smell. I feel a little weird having people over after I've cleaned and having to explain what that strange...ass smell is. I kind of hope that maybe they will come out with a naturally scented product like cedarwood, which would be an improvement.

So if you are looking for an affordable alternative, I would recommend Pure Ayre. If you want something a little more fancy smelling ( Que unicorns and rainbows while water lilies blossom) you may have to shell out a little more for Biokleen and purchase it more frequently.

Confessional humor...

2011-08-17T22:09:00.000-07:00

Obviously the book I read about Padre Pio has had quite an impact, especially his vocation to confession. I usually try to get confession in every six weeks or so or when I remember that I haven't been in a while. After reading about Padre Pio's devotion to this sacrament, especially his recommendation of weekly confession, I have resolved to give it a try.
Here's the rub.
If I pick a confession time, anytime, most likely it is while my husband is working and the nearest relatives are 30- 45 minutes away. Therefore, I must brave the sacrament with baby in carrier.
Now please, I know, I know, the staunch older generations have already told me I shouldn't take my infant with me in the confessional on grounds that it may break the seal of confession. Yes, its strange having a third person there, wiggling and willing his own movement, but unfortunately the ideology of going to the bathroom with a baby is the same for confession, when you gotta go you gotta go. So far I haven't had a priest tell me that it was wrong or disagreeable, in some instances they seem to expedite the sacrament for everyone's benefit...while not trimming the penance (I can say that in the car right?).

So far I have two examples of awkward baby confessions that indeed, make me wish I could go at least once baby free:

As priest gives absolution: "I absolve thee from thy sins-" BELCH! "....in....the...name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Ghost-" Me: "Amen thank you!" followed by a clamor out the door.

Me: Bless me father for I have sinned, its been-" Roland: "Uh-oh!" sigh....

Confession with a baby is not ideal, I know, nor will it be sustaining as Roland learns new words. I certainly don't want "lazy" "road rage" "uncharitable" and "impatient" to be in regular usage for a toddler. I pray I will come up with a solution soon. However, I have learned something from having a three way confession. I really do need to mind what I do, not just in action, but in word and deed, private and public.
I am reminded of my confirmation class and the example of our parents being able to see and hear all of our actions. We were mortified at the idea. And yet, the tables are turned, my sins are revealed in front of the one person that I must parent.

Much needed advice from St. Padre Pio...

2011-08-02T14:26:00.000-07:00

In regards to prayer, when I needed it the most:
"You must not be distracted voluntarily. But if you are distracted, continue to pray, and you will have the great merit, for Our Savior knows that you are not an angel praying to Him,but a poor woman. Go on praying without ceasing. And when you find it difficult to concentrate, don't waste time stopping to consider the why and wherefore. It's like a traveler who loses his way. As soon as he realizes he is on the wrong road, he immediately sets himself on the right road again. So you must continue to meditate without stopping to reflect on your lack of concentration."

After reading a short biography on Padre Pio, I asked myself, "Why can't we have a Padre Pio today?" and then the answer, "Oh yeah, we still do, he's in heaven!".

Vocations...

2011-07-21T23:25:00.000-07:00

Before I begin I would like to point out that if you Google "vocations" and select only images of this word, you get some pretty amazing images. Therefore, I am randomly peppering this post with my favorite images of...Vocations.

When I was in highschool there was a lot of emphasis in my studies and in church to "discover my vocation". I applaud the Catholic Church for trying to focus young people on discovering their calling in life, but I always thought the manner or modus operandi was so vauge and confusing.

In highschool I felt a strong calling to missionary work. I still feel that pull whenever I read about Dorothy Day or the incredible work of Catholic Relief Services . When I was 26 that door was shut however when I applied to the Maryknoll's and was rejected because of my Ankylosing Spondylitis. Such a condition cannot be covered by insurance and I would be a financial risk to an organization.

My other passion has always been literature and writing. This blog is my only outlet these days and a sad representation of what I really want to write.

I knew I wasn't called to be a religious, no matter how much I admire religious orders such as the Dominicans and Carmelites. When I focused on prayer and the religious life, the answer was always "nope you have something else to do". Ok.

Marriage has always been a draw for me, family and having my own was not only an exhilarating prospect but deeply seeded in my mind.
At the end of the day, when the boy is asleep and I take stock in what was done, I sometimes ask myself "Is this all my vocation is?", Which is a poor question and I think a temptation to belittle the simple daily acts that I can perform for my family.

At three months post-partum I quit my job. I out-right threw in the towel, gave up my $19 an hour + benefits job to be with my boy. He has insurance through a "low income" plan by Kaiser Permanente that covers everything including dental. My husband and I are currently uninsured and keeping healthy. I applied for WIC to help ease our financial burden of a one income household and we continuously find ways to save or make money.

After quitting my job, the real questions came to mind, "what is my TRUE vocation? Outside of the household, what does God want me to do with my time and talents".

A number of jobs or ideas have come to mind. I plan to start a little home business sewing. I am researching becoming a Postpartum Doula and Lactation Consultant. The best advice I received was from another doula who told me "The first step in this journey is to pray". Boy was she right.
So since January I've been praying. Every quiet moment I have at night, every car ride while I run errands, I pray "what do You want me to do? How can I use my talents for You?"

Now comes the funny part.
Two days after we were married the earthquake in Haiti occurred. There was a great need for parents to adopt orphans. I read heartbreaking articles of children lost and neglected who were put on the fast track to adoption in America. We actually discussed "getting a Haitian Baby". We have always, even in our courtship, talked about being foster parents. The question still comes up frequently.
And then I found out I was pregnant.

This morning I was reading the local paper, The Napa Valley Register, when I came across this.
My heart tugs closer and closer to Foster Parenthood.
Right now? Sadly no, we live in a small house fit for two adults and a child. Our finances are simple and pay the bills but there is no extra fluff. Most of all, I don't think I could subject anyone to the insanity of a household run by the nine month old.

I continue to pray about all the avenues that have been presented to me. I ask you to do the same. Which leads me back to vocations.
Vocation discernment is such a foggy, hazy subject. Not at all like my priests and mentors made it out to be. These are tough questions and even harder decisions. I wish councilors, priests and youth directors wouldn't put such a simple spin on the process of vocation discernment. I wish my mentors had put more emphasis on prayer and open hearted hearing than on a vocational counseling tree that plots my life out like a map.

I continue my prayerful quest and I ask for prayers. Through the fog I see clear fragments of what can be or what will be and I hope this pull to Fostering is in my future.

Why?

2011-07-15T09:38:00.000-07:00

Why do I bother vacuuming?
A clean carpet has brought two questions to my mind:
1. Why do I bother when after I'm done my 9 month old crawls around and STILL manages to find every peice of lint, fuzz, paper, dead leaf and other random detrious? I should stop vacuuming and simply follow him around and grab whatever he picks up before it enters his mouth. This will save steps, be more thurough and save on electric bills, right?
2. Why? Why is it that my sons "grab and pick" reflex ( the reflex they learn using their thumb and index finger) is completely useless when it comes to eating at the table, but is in top form when he is crawling around and scouring for random crap to eat?

I already know the answer to my question, and it is one which my husband grows weary of hearing:

I want a Dyson.

Music for the sick...

2011-07-10T09:09:00.000-07:00

This is the first time I will be blogging via smartphone so bear with me if there are any glitches,strange wordage due to autofill or general messes. As we speak, I am snug in my bed with a very sick baby by my side. He has had a fever for three days and now his G.I. tract is being abused by massive amounts of augmentin. It has been stressful and heartbreaking and I don't know when I'll see the end of it. Not much has been helpful, meds aren't giving me piece of mind the way they used to. Fortunately music in the background has helped, something positive and easy to sing along with,below is my "sick baby" playlist to help sooth and calm the both of us.
Three little birds-covered by Elizabeth Mitchell- Happy and very upbeat, when your kid is crying and you can't see the end of it all, this song definitely helps. I love this rendition by Elizabeth Mitchell, who happens to be the only children oriented musician that I have in my music collection.

All through the night-
I grew up hearing this song, traditionally a Welsh Christmas song, the lyrics of this song are so touching. This is the only version I have found that has the REAL last lyrics, which always make me a little teary eyed.

Peace like a river- While I prefer Elizabeth Mitchell's version of this song, this rendition works in a pinch. This is a great song to sing with a sick baby. I'm a big believer in positive thinking (though not the best practitioner) so singing this when everything is falling apart is not only easy but seems to make things a little more positive.

You Are My Sunshine- My mom sang this to me when I was little and I in turn sing it to my son. Another easy song with easy lyrics.

Suo Gan- Another welsh lullaby that cannot be sung but is nice to play. Most people think of the movie "Empire of the Sun" when they hear this but the version below is better in my opinion. Unfortunately I can't find this version anywhere in hard copy or MP3 so we listen to it on Youtube. I think the Welsh take the cake for making touching and beautiful lullabys.

Top ten phrases that come out of my mouth...

2011-07-07T09:40:00.000-07:00

1. (to the dogs at 10 pm) "SHHHHH! Baby is sleeping! If you wake baby, you will wake up tomorrow as a pair of slippers" ( my teeth are gritting while saying this)

2. "don't touch the poo! no! here...give me your hand, don't put it in your mouth!" (yes I have said this more than once)

3. "Trash cans do not make good toys...TOYS make good toys" (work with me here)

4. "Don't pinch the mommy!"

5. "We water the plant, we talk to the plant, we LOVE the plant, but we don't grab or eat the plant"

6. "If you would let me pick your nose you would be able to breath better. PLEASE? Its just one booger."

7.(sound of revving motorcycle startles Roland) "Roland, that man was not loved enough as a child. I know, I know, how sad."

8. "You MUST wear a diaper."

9. "Be gentle with the baby!" (I'm telling this to a baby mind you)

10."Don't eat THAT!"

Now add free...

2011-06-30T12:45:00.000-07:00

If you notice now, you will see that I have no more adds on my page. Yesterday I received two emails from Amazon informing me that they were no longer allowing California bloggers to "monetize" their pages. This isn't a huge personal loss to me. I didn't really get much money from allowing adds on my page. However, I think the reason for pulling this capability is sad. Our Gov. Jerry Brown ( I always think of the Dead Kennedy's song) signed a bill into law taxing such funds. I didn't vote for this guy, I voted for the lesser evil, Meg ( even if she is balding). I have purposely ignored local politics in the past year so that my disposition would remain sweet and nice. It seems that even if I want NOTHING to do with the regime that I currently live under they still find yet another way to creep their spindly fingers into my already empty wallet.
Thanks Jerry, for hindering any ability people could have to make a little cash here and there. Thank you for breaking Californians of the enterprising spirit to be self sustaining in innovative ways. Thanks Jerry for continuing to take money I don't have.

A mother says the rosary or my train of thought while I pray...

2011-06-28T17:32:00.000-07:00

I had a really good rosary today. That sounds like I've just consumed something really tasty. I guess it could apply for spiritual food, guess I was spiritually hungry. The boy took a nap, I finished reading a really good true crime article (really read this crap its intense) and then there was that rare moment in my day where I scrabbled for something to do. Knit? Do the dishes (not again..please)? Wash underwear? And then...Say A Rosary came to mind.

So I snuggled down in bed and clutched the blue glass rosary that I've had since first communion. Here was my train of thought through out:

Ok yeah! say a rosary. Oh wait what mysteries should I say? Is it Monday? No? Oh its Tuesday. That means the Luminous mysteries right? I don't know all of those. I'll say the joyous. ok cool.

::says apostles creed:::
Ok before the Our Father what are my intentions? ....Um everything and the intentions of our Holy Father. Yeah! there we go! Good one. On a roll!
::::::First decade::::::
The annunciation. Soo cool. Awww. Without Mary saying yes to God's will we wouldn't be saved. Boy I'm glad she said yes! Awesome, I'm not lost on some random train of thought. Cool. Yeah I totally have this rosary thing down. Being a mom is so cool. I love being a mom. Mary is the best. She totally has my back. Thanks for all of the prayers and love Mary. I couldn't do any of this without you.
::::::Second decade::::::::
The visitation of Mary to Elizabeth. This makes so much more sense to me now that I have a kid and my sister has kids. I get it. I totally get it now. Bond of family is so strong. Roland is so lucky. This rosary stuff is great.
You should call your mom.
I Know! I forgot to call her, alright I get it! While saying this rosary I'm getting graceful hints from the Powers that be that I need to call her. I'll do it after I finish.
:::::::Third decade:::::::
The Nativity. Babies are awesome!!!! Where would I be without Roland? My life is so full and rich now that he's here. He's the best. I'm so lucky he's healthy and strong. Nursing sure is great. You shape the baby and the baby shapes you! Yes sir... oh wait what bead am I on? Oh! right right. I bet Jesus was the cutest baby ever. What did people back then say when they saw a cute baby? You couldn't use the term "Gerber Baby" because there was no " Gerber Baby". Oh hey that decade went fast!
:::::::Fourth Decade:::::::::
The presentation in the temple. I'm so blessed. This house is so nice. Boy I feel in tune with the world around me. I've been given so much. this is the most cathartic rosary. I wonder how long it will rain? Should I turn on the heater? I don't want Roland to get another ear infection. Groan. Tubes. I hope he doesn't have to get tubes put in his ears. Poor thing. What a great kid. ........
::::::::somewhere in the middle of the fifth decade:::::::::::: Am I in the fifth decade already? oh...oops. Um....Finding in the Temple! Yeah yeah! thats it! yeah! Finding in the Temple. I knew that. Boy I wonder when Charlie will get home from coffee. What are we having for dinner? I'm tired of beans. I wonder if I could use psychic abilities to get Charlie to come home soon. Come Home...Come Home...I need to ask you if we should turn on the heater.
I wonder if mom will be sore that I didn't call her sooner?
:::::::saying hail holy queen::::::
Damn it! someone's at the door making noise.What the hell?!? So help me God if you wake up my child with you're racket I'll....Stinkin' mailman! You ass-clown! What are you thinking! You almost woke up my kid just to leave me a bunch of junk mail?!? Really?
:::::Prayer to St. Michael::::::::
The nerve! I bet if I complained no one would care. I hope that guy was just a sub. I need to get a sign outside saying "SLEEPING BABY, AGRO MOTHER. DISTURB AT OWN PERIL"
Pizza sounds good.
:::::Sacred Heart of Jesus...Have mercy on us:::::
:::::St. Bernadette...Pray for us:::::
:::::St.Roland....Pray for us:::::::
::::::St. Charles Boromeo....Pray for us::::::
::::::St. Joseph....Pray for us::::::::

I should call my mom...

An Open Letter to Martha..

2011-06-28T10:46:00.000-07:00

Dear Martha Stewart,
Let me begin by acknowledging that you win. You win the domestic goddess award of the world. No one can beat you when it comes to housekeeping, crafting, cooking, baking and being a domestic badass. I will never be as perfect as you. I'm kind of ok with that, but you put the pressure on the rest of us women. You make me look bad when I see your perfect kitchen studio, dirty dish free and arranged for maximum craftage.

That being said, I beg you, plead with you. Please come to my house and show me how to can food. Really, I mean that. I look at all the books and online resources. I even "Liked" Ball Canning Company on Facebook to get more "status updates" all they do is run contests for products I don't understand.
The only thing I know about canning food is that you have to get a good "seal" whatever that means. I know you have to boil stuff, what, I don't know. Wal-mart marketing tells me I need a $70 pressure cooker. I know they lie. I know you totally know how to can without one, Martha, but I'm sure you own one (the best one) just for shits and giggles.
If you come to my house this fall and show me how to can, I PROMISE I will vacuum before you arrive. I'll even get someone to baby sit my then 1 year old so he doesn't try to pull your lovely flaxen hair. I will make sure the bathroom has enough toilet paper and I'll even make you my favorite tea, Blue Lady that I get from a coffee bar in Sacramento.

I'll even bribe my husband with Rockstar Energy Drinks to leave the house to play Magic the Gathering so he doesn't sass you.

Doesn't that sound nice?
No?
Please?
I'm lost right now when it comes to canning and my head will explode with the amount of information out there.
Sincerely,
Daftpunkett

P.s. there will be cookies too.

Diversity of Character...

2011-06-25T09:46:00.000-07:00

I won't beat around the bush here, I am passionately prolife. Even before I had a child, I understood that we are committing murder everyday against the weakest and most vulnerable. I attend the West Coast Walk for Life and try to boycott companies who contribute to Planned Parenthood.
Recently I pondered another argument against mass abortion. The diversity of personality.
My son is a fearless explorer, everything is an exciting adventure to him. He is outgoing and always interested in what is happening, and more so, ready to get his hands messy.
My nephew in contrast, has always been very quiet, pensive and cautions. He is a thinker before a doer. Even his dialogue is thoughtful. If he really doesn't want to share or do something, he doesn't say "No!" like the average toddler, instead he phrases it in a passive aggressive "I don't know about that". Ok then.
The youngest of our children, my niece, is a social butterfly. If she catches your eye, she will pleasantly smile, clasp her little hands together and sigh as if to say "Hello, how are you today? Isn't it lovely today?" She warms you with her gentle way as if you are the most important person in the room.
These personality traits got me thinking.
How many enterprising explorers have we lost to abortion and sterilization?
How many little pensive thinkers have we lost?
How many social butterflies that make us feel needed and important, have we lost?

In California, the term "Cultural Diversity" is huge and prevalent, but haven't the buzz word police missed the point of diversity if we hinder it from the womb? We don't need cultural diversity, we need personality and character diversity.

Doctors aren't the only ones who learn something

2011-06-24T12:24:00.000-07:00

My father is in town for a conference regarding ER medicine. He told me an interesting and developing tidbit about the ever evolving world of ER practice. They are now warning ER doctors to exercise caution when using MRI imaging with folks who are ex-convicts or heavily tattooed due to severe burns that occur from unidentified inks or substances used in prison tattooing methods.

Sucks to be this guy...

Another reason you may regret the choices you make in youth...

Prison, I Mean, Play Pen Humor...

2011-06-21T23:25:00.000-07:00

Am I the only one who thinks its funny to call the play pen "San Quentin"? And furthermore, am I too cruel when I ask if Roland has "found Jesus" when I see him clutching his baby rosary, crying inconsulably in said play pen?

I know, sick huh? How did they ever let me have a kid.

The ice cream man....

2011-06-17T18:25:00.000-07:00

I love my neighborhood. Its diverse. There are families, drug lords, elderly people and even a pedophile. The neighborhood is beautiful and quiet, yet always slightly buzzing with mariachi music and playing children. Some people would say I live in a ghetto, others would say I live in the lap of luxury, able to afford a two bedroom home in the heart of America's wine country.
One of the hallmarks of my neighborhood is the bustle of ice cream and food carts, all day, everyday, not just during the summer. I have grown accustomed to the Harpo Marx "HONK HONK" from the horn of one of these carts, or the gentle tinkling of alter bells shimmering down the street. How romantic.

Luckliy, I have never stopped one of these carts to purchase their sundry items. Luckily?

This afternoon I sat on my porch having a cup of coffee while Roland napped. I heard the tinkle of those little bells passing by my house. Yet, they were not consistent, rather, jerky and broken in clarity. I peered out to the street to see the vendor waddling about, waywardly pushing the cart and trying to maintain a ringing stride. He didn't see me perched on my porch, he passed me, immersed in some desparate thought.
We have a large oak on our property that butts closely to our fenceline. I have often thought of putting a picnic table there. Well... that was my thought for utilizing space.

Our vendor friend stopped his cart and ringing, waddled up behind the large oak and began to unbuckle his pants, much to my horror. Our eyes met, I speechless to say "Hey quit peeing in my yard!" and he, second guessing that pee ( or worse). The look he gave me said, "Really, just turn away and it will all be over shortly". My gaze was stern and yet crookedly confused. He shrugged, sighed, buckled up his pants and waddled back to his cart...defeated.
In hindsight, if I had not been so shocked, I think I would have let him use our restroom. Maybe I should have recovered a little tact and walked away, but most of all I keep thinking to myself,

"I doubt that dude carries Purell".

Yes my friends, LUCKILY, I have never sampled the fine dinning experience of Napa food and ice cream carts.

I need a walker for my brain...

2011-06-13T08:53:00.000-07:00

Do see you that? That THING? That horrible, torturous contraption that could only be designed and manufactured by people who have never had kids or hate babies?!?

Well thats the impression that I get from every single parenting book, text and advice column that I have read.
Ok, lets back up a minute and breath folks.
I love the Montessori method of parenting. It is awesome. It stresses a deep respect for an infant as a human person who has dignity and should be treated with such. I agree and embrace. I love the methodology of teaching my son to rely on me emotionally but to be an independent explorer of his baby proofed surroundings. I love love love love it all and I probably won't change the way I a do thing because it works for me.
While flipping through The Joyful Child, a Montessori periodical and catalog (otherwise known as mom porn) I saw a few sections cautioning parents against playpens and walkers. In fact there is a little logo that has an X over an image of a crib. This logo was seared into my brain when I was pregnant. This logo haunts me. The idea is that leaving your child in a playpen or walker can inhibit their ability to develop properly, can discourage that entrepreneurial spirit which is present yet fleeting in a growing mind. Apparently, this idea has spread mainstream (go team montessori!) as I was reading the developmental steps for 8 month olds on Babycenter.com ( a rather white bread, generic parenting website) who also caution against walkers. Dr. Sear's famous Baby Book also discourages playpens. I was further bombarded at the pediatricians office with a baby wellness handout that they give at each check up. Yup, you guessed it, WALKERS BAD! GRUNT!
You know what? When Roland was 3 months old I bought a walker. GASP! His favorite thing next to boobies was standing, kicking, jumping, anything relating to using his legs. My mom saw how active he was and suggested getting one. Why not? Why the heck not? for $30, I'm game.
So I understand the stigma of walkers. They could be very dangerous. If you have stairs. Or items in reach that could topple and hurt your baby. Yeah that makes sense. But the development argument? Again, I get it, don't leave the baby in the walker all day, by himself, lost, unattended, bored, sad (insert picture of sad baby in walker). Really? Because after 15 minutes my kid is done with the walker. For the entire day. Much to my displeasure.
Here is my question to the professionals who are telling us how bad walkers and playpens are, what would make the child suffer more? Being in a walker for a little bit or the crumbling of my sanity? Really. I mean that. I think my sanity is probably pretty important to my son, though he may not understand it, he senses it. If crap around the house needs to get done, than a walker is a small price to pay for 20 minutes worth of dish washing, clean laundry, a vacuumed floor, brushed teeth and showered mommy, nutritiously prepared meals, dogs that don't poop in the house, outings planned, bills paid...for the love of God my brain will explode!

Look...he's fine. He's sitting there banging a vegetable strainer with a silicone wisk having the time of his life! In fact, he is loving life! At 8 months he is crawling, pulling up to stand, cruising the furniture with our help and doing....remarkably well developmentally. Emotionally? Oh don't worry about this kid, he lets his mom know when he's done in the walker...trust me...and the unending pile of dirty laundry.

Scapular Sunday...

2011-06-12T07:48:00.000-07:00

Because black is thinning you know...