The Rhumb Line

OUTSIDE THE BOX

noreply@blogger.com (Bruce McArthur) — Fri, 15 Mar 2013 20:48:00 +0000

“We need to start thinking outside the box.”

If you are like me, when you see, hear or read that you think “What a dork.” Turns out, that’s the problem. We hate that expression so much we forget what it means. We’ve become a society of people thinking inside the box. We are so afraid of being wrong, we’ve stopped taking chances. We don’t win for fear of losing. And it is happening everywhere - in politics, sports and most certainly in business.

Take marketing, for example. We know print is on life support. It’s expensive and the results are all but impossible to track. Yet many businesses continue to allocate a significant portion of their marketing budget there. Why? Probably because it’s what they’ve always done. Add a long term relationship with the rep and it becomes hard to say no. That’s thinking inside the box.

"Your proposal is innovative. Unfortunately, we
Won't be able to use it because we've never
tried something like that before."

Then there are conferences and shows. Most amount to a very expensive weekend cluttered with competing options, one on top of the other. Can sales happen? Of course. But considering the amount of money and time that go into a single show, it becomes like a Super Bowl ad. Big bucks, a small pop in sales (maybe) but NO lasting effect. Yet businesses continue to spend huge amounts of their marketing budgets going to shows for fear of what will happen if they don’t go. Again, thinking inside the box.

Now we have social media. A whole new way to market that can have a significant, on-going impact on sales. You can target by age, gender, income, interests, region, whatever. It’s inexpensive but can drive awareness through incredible reach. AND it does something no other media does. It builds trust and loyalty at a degree never before seen.

So what’s the problem? It’s new. It takes time and creativity to connect on an emotional level. Most businesses have not come to that understanding yet. So they think inside the box and give control of their social media to the least experienced staffers (http://www.vmgmediablog.com/2013/02/social-media-rodney-dangerfield-of.html). When nothing happens, they write it off.

There are plenty of companies, early adapters, which have used social media to drive significant sales increases. The concept is proven. So why is there still so much hesitation to move budgets out of less effective, traditional resources?

It’s time to start thinking outside the box.

BRUCE McARTHUR

Social Media, the Rodney Dangerfield of Marketing

noreply@blogger.com (Bruce McArthur) — Mon, 25 Feb 2013 20:45:00 +0000

“My psychiatrist told me social media was crazy. I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, it’s ugly too.”

1 or 2% engagement is considered the target goal for most social media efforts. Why is that? After all, at that rate of engagement, you might as well be talking to yourself. The answer is because that’s what the vast majority of businesses get, and so we live with it. But it is not good.

And I’m not talking just the little guys. I’m talking brands like The Ford Motor Company, Ralph Lauren, The NY Yankees... even Lady Gaga and Justin Bieber.

Nearly every Facebook page we look at reminds us of another classic Dangerfield line:

“A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.”

Only in social media can you walk into a meeting at a Fortune 500 company, with a room full of people including senior level decision makers, CMO/EVP types, and have a twenty something, fresh out of college, raise their hand in response to the question “Who manages your social media?” Really? What other marketing platforms are managed by the least experienced among you?

This is the reality of social media today. Because we let anyone do it, social media becomes crazy and ugly. But this isn’t acting. It takes hard work and a skill set that is hard to find.

So few marketers have the time, the inclination, the creativity AND (not “or”) the marketing expertise to really drive engagement. We end out with 1-2% and call it a success. We should be aiming for 20%. 10% should be a fire-able offense.

Professionally managed, a strong social media presence can do more to increase revenue and influence than any other single medium. Given that, why are our expectations so low? We have to start setting the bar higher… much higher. When we do, the results will be astounding.

Now, I know what you’re thinking, so…

“I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.”

Bruce McArthur

PRESENTING THE WASTIES

noreply@blogger.com (Bruce McArthur) — Mon, 18 Feb 2013 16:39:00 +0000

Ever wonder why so many business owners do their own crappy TV commercials? You see them all the time - guys with beer bellies, bad hair and worse diction hawking their restaurant, car dealership, RVs, personal water craft or gold-buying service. It's because they hired some ad agency that did an even crappier job. That's how do-it-yourselfers self-invent.

There's no self-policing in advertising. There should be -- so VMG is hereby deputizing ourselves. Just to put a positive spin on a negative thing, we're creating a brand new award for corporations who've been shamelessly screwed over by enterprises masquerading as advertising agencies. To keep it alliterative - move over Emmy, Grammy and Tony, here come the WASTIES. And the Super Bowl of advertising waste is... the SUPER BOWL!

Hollywood producer Mike Todd once opined "everybody's got 2 businesses -- their own and show business." Actually, Americans have a 3rd business - advertising. Seems many tune in the Super Bowl just for the custom made, 4 million bucks per 30 seconds so-clever-you're-gonna- spontaneously-combust commercials. Once in a while, they are great.

Here's 3 that absolutely sucked.

1) VOLKSWAGEN http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9H0xPWAtaa8
Goofy cubicle-dwelling white office worker speaks with Jamaican/Caribbean patois. What purchase in life is more keyed into self image, ego and pride than an automobile? So if you buy that VW, you too can be a foolish, un-cool parody of some polyester-clad twit doing a bad Bobby McFerrin? Hey VW - fire your agency. And that "creative director" should seek a career more suited to his or her talents - like accounting. No wait, Hollywood accountants are in the Picasso league, creatively speaking. Just go bag groceries.

2) GODADDY http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t-1oixpSShs
Super model Bar Rafaeli plays tongue-hockey with doughy, Orphan Annie - haired, ruddy-cheeked male as spokes-chick Danica Patrick (the most famous driver in the world never to have won a major race, who also ran over a member of her own pit-crew) reads some mindless copy off a teleprompter.

Made us wanna GOPUKE. GODADDY's CMO defended Deutsch's work, claiming even though the ad was near universally loathed, it was memorable. By that logic, why not just air the Nick Berg beheading - brought to you by GODADDY!

According to Forbes, she also claimed it was effective, as the following Monday was their biggest sales day ever. Really? According to this story at Business insider, GoDaddy's $7mil mistake, her sales hyperbole doesn't stand up to scrutiny. That "memorable" spot may have lost GODADDY $7 million bucks.

3) MERCEDES BENZ http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uPq7jVGPs3g
Another piece of lame, derivative crap that belonged in some Moose Lodge smoker circa 1956. Super model teases frat boys as they wash car. Anybody seen Cool Hand Luke? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=veCZvM6-okQ

We love super models. But this is just so tired and unimaginative. And, uh, since when are college jocks the Mercedes demographic?

Next year we'll try to have a black tie, televised awards ceremony so winners can pick up their WASTIES in person. Imagine the acceptance speeches.

LARRY BLEIDNER

An Open Letter to Fortune 500 CMOs

noreply@blogger.com (Bruce McArthur) — Sun, 20 Jan 2013 18:42:00 +0000

Does anybody still believe? Not in Lance, but in paying any jock to hawk your product? How many times do you need to be burned by celebrity athlete endorsements? Now, Lance Armstrong is the biggest disgrace in athletics - ever - officially a liar, a weasel, a bully and a thief. (He's kind of goofy-looking, too.) And how many Fortune 500 logos are splashed across his yellow spandex-clad torso? The jokes are endless. LIVE DOPED. LIE STRONG. And your company is smeared by association.

Hiring a pro athlete to be the face and voice of your product is hiring a ticking bomb. It's not a matter of if they'll go off, but when. Do the math... jock superstar in (pick your sport) becomes centimillionaire and implodes with steroids, coke, hookers, fighting dogs, serial cheating on wife, blood doping, DUIs, assault, murder. How could it not happen? And when it does, his face IS your brand.

Maybe I'm abnormal, but once I passed the age of 12, I never wanted anything because some rich and famous celebrity endorsed it. In fact, that was the kiss of death for that product. When I saw some Olympian's mug on a Wheaties box, I switched to Cheerios. NBA center hawking Adidas? Keds, please. Ashton Kutcher with a Nikon? Give me the Canon. To buy a brand on its own merits, features and benefits makes perfect sense. To buy it because somebody famous is paid to wear it/use it makes one... stupid.

No rational adult should care about celebrity endorsements. But we all rely on referrals from our friends and acquaintances. Which is why smart marketers (at least those marketing products to anyone over the age of 12) should be pouring budgets into social media and not into the Lance Armstrongs, Tiger Woods, Michael Vicks, O.J.s, Mike Tysons, Ben Johnsons, Pete Roses, Roger Clemens, Marion Jones, Ray Lewis... hey, I'm getting tired of typing here. You get the idea.

LARRY BLEIDNER

Let's take a ride on my MAZOKIST!

noreply@blogger.com (Bruce McArthur) — Wed, 14 Mar 2012 18:40:00 +0000

I recently found myself thumbing through the famed Robb Report (Your Global Luxury Resource) , a magazine for a whole other level of consumers. What trinkets are the ultra-rich buying these days? Tick-tocks that are harder to read than a cuneiform train schedule are en vogue. They're called tourbillons and can cost well into six figures.

What time is it on that thing? How about in ten minutes from now? How about after a couple of margaritas? When you can afford to drop $200k on a watch, is time even a concern?

There was an interesting story on a home renovation "somewhere in Los Angeles." The article stated that when the owner bought the residence, it was a "run of the mill 10,000 square foot tract home." Wow. Everything is relative.

The Hedonist

What else are the super-rich buying? Yachts, of course, and one featured in the magazine caught my eye.

It looked like something Ernst Stavro Bloefeld might own, designed by Dieter the Sprocket.

The Serbian manufacturer has the unlikely name of Art of Kinetik. They have two models. The 62-footer is called the Hedonist and is powered by a troika of 800 hp jet engines. That offers a vroom factor of 48 mph. The all-mahogany vessel requires 12,000 hours of sanding to prep it for 18 coats of varnish. (Why 18? Would 17 be insufficient and 19 overkill? Who dreams up these numbers?)

The MAZOKIST

Who dreamed up the name of their entry-level 32 footer, the MAZOKIST? Yes, you read that correctly. The MAZOKIST. And here she is...

Powered by a Mercruiser stern drive, the MAZOKIST tops out at 33 mph with a range of 330 miles.

I speak no Serbian. But since Mazokist's big sister is the plain English "Hedonist," I must assume the smaller sibling is phonetically named for those who enjoy a good flogging. Or, was it payback by some copywriter who felt under paid for the job of naming the craft? Will some sick-rich Robb Report subscriber find himself saddled with a sea-going mahogany elephant? As he waits for the shore patrol to tow him back to Dubrovnik, will he shake his head and say, I must be a mazokist to have bought this thing. Will the Mazokist take its place among other ill-named/fated conveyances, like Edsel, Yugo and Vega?

Art of Kinetik's website (http://www.artofkinetik.com/) is nearly as much an enigma as the name of their craft. Some of the "downloadable" (glacially) jpgs weigh in at a massive 25 mb. Perfect for printing - on a billboard.

And then there are the quotations - about as germane to things nautical as a dray horse and plow. A rambling one is from sculptor Henry Moore, whose work looks like this:

The photography is slick, but a little too... vague.

Maybe we're nuts, and the Art of Kinetik guys have identified a subculture of wealthy, kinky yachtsmen who will keep the mazokist shipyard crackling like the tip of a bullwhip. But until we hear otherwise, we're mooring the Mazokist at the what were they thinking dock.

Hey I'm running late here. What time is it? Oh nice tourbillon. I'll just ask that lady with the big Timex. Thanks.

LARRY BLEIDNER

Every Day's a Holiday and Every Meal's a Feast.

noreply@blogger.com (Bruce McArthur) — Thu, 01 Mar 2012 15:23:00 +0000

The following email was sent to me by a friend. We've all gotten these. It comes in, you roll your eyes and you delete it. However, being a sailor, it caught my eye so I decided to read it. I have no idea if this story is true or not. I do know I won't fact check it on snopes.com because I got a kick out of reading it and want it to be true:

The U. S. S. Constitution (Old Ironsides), as a combat vessel, carried 48,600 gallons of fresh water for her crew of 475 officers and men. This was sufficient to last six months of sustained operations at sea. She carried no evaporators (i.e. fresh water distillers).  

According to her ship's log, "On July 27, 1798, the U.S.S. Constitution sailed from Boston with a full complement of 475 officers and men, 48,600 gallons of fresh water, 7,400 cannon shot, 11,600 pounds of black powder and 79,400 gallons of rum."   

Her mission: "To destroy and harass English shipping."  

Making Jamaica on 6 October, she took on 826 pounds of flour and 68,300 gallons of rum.  

Then she headed for the Azores, arriving there 12 November.

She provisioned with 550 pounds of beef and 64,300 gallons of Portuguese wine.  

On 18 November, she set sail for England. In the ensuing days she defeated five British men-of-war and captured and scuttled 12 English merchant ships, salvaging only the rum aboard each.  

By 26 January, her powder and shot were exhausted. Nevertheless, although unarmed she made a night raid up the Firth of Clyde in Scotland. Her landing party captured a whisky distillery and transferred 40,000 gallons of single malt Scotch aboard by dawn.

Then she headed home.  

The U. S. S. Constitution arrived in Boston on 20 February 1799, with no cannon shot, no food, no powder, no rum, no wine, no whisky, and 38,600 gallons of water.

GO NAVY

Monkey Sea, Monkey Buy

noreply@blogger.com (Bruce McArthur) — Fri, 10 Feb 2012 21:03:00 +0000

In the spirit of consumer protection, and as a paean to the power of great marketing, VMG offers this review of the famed Sea Monkeys (world's only instant pets!), a toy that has been wowing kids -- like a fistful of Nembutal -- for 50 years.

Somehow, the Sea Monkeys entered our home as gift for my 7 year-old. The box alone is a marvel of packaging brilliance. There's a cornucopia of fun-filled stuff right there in its own window. Who could resist a "magic portal," a "sea monkey pencil topper" and instant "live eggs" (as opposed to the slower-acting dead variety.) Why, they even include an "aqua leash," probably so you can walk these crazy guys to show and tell at school!

When you open the package and view the "illustrated instructions!" it gets even better. Look, those aren't like some stupid goldfish, these babies sing and dance and put on a show! Oh boy!

Of course, there's just a smidge of hyperbole mixed in with the growth food. And there's some fine print, too, as on the vintage comic book ad which stated very clearly, using the ichthyologist's Latin -- which every 7 year old understands -- "Caricatures shown not intended to depict Artemia Salina." Hmm. They look like underwater Jetsons. That mommy sea monkey is weirdly sexy with her Nicki Minaj hips and generous lips. And look, the daddy sea monkey's tail covers his privates. Who are the Artemia Salinas?

They are brine shrimp. Which, with proper care and feeding, may grow to a size of .6 inch. And actually look like this:

It's been 10 days since my kids tore open the Sea-Monkey package and followed the illustrated instructions! to the letter, I'm sure. Using the magic portal magnifying lens, we think we saw some microscopic life- form moving in the palm-sized aquarium, but it could just be some crud from the Los Angeles water system. Oh, and that AAA battery-powered light that projects the fabulous singing, dancing and acrobatic Family Artemia Salinas on the wall... doesn't work.

There's a fascinating back story about the person who invented sea monkeys. Allegations of being mixed up with neo-Nazis and such. Whatever his true history, which seems to be as murky as the sludge in the aquarium, the guy was an absolute marketing genius. He created a product, targeted an audience and got very wealthy.

Since 1962, the only thing that's really changed is the price - what was once a buck is now $19.95. And, as their website indicates, it's selling globally. They even have line extensions, with all kinds of products to enhance your Sea Monkey experience. The Banana Treat caught our eye because of its blatant prurient appeal.

This one is even sexier... Cupid's Arrow Sea Monkey Mating Powder. Looks like Mama Monkey with the Nicki Minaj booty needs some help getting dad to notice her. Sprinkle a little mating powder in the tank and... hey gang, wanna watch my Sea Monkeys F*** ?

It's all well below kid radar, but obvious enough to give mom and dad a reason to buy.

In a world of i-pods and pads and Wii and endless other digital toys that have billion dollar R&D budgets, these guys scoop some free gunk from the ocean and retail it for $20 bucks a box.

Steve Jobs, "marketing genius," had absolutely nothing on the Sea Monkey guy. Nothing.

LARRY BLEIDNER

So You Think You Can ... Market?

noreply@blogger.com (Bruce McArthur) — Wed, 21 Dec 2011 20:39:00 +0000

On May 10, 2009, my son graduated with a Bachelor of Science degree from Syracuse University. We were so proud of him. So what if it cost $180,000, it was worth it. After all, he came away with a valuable skill, one that can be used by any business in the world…marketing.

Marketing is a profession that takes years to develop. Top executives at huge corporations, from Coca Cola to Ford, know that while they are adept at making soda and automobiles, they had better leave the selling of their products to people who know how to do it. So they outsource their marketing. They never, ever, EVER do it themselves.

Social media is perceived by amateurs as "free marketing" and even mid-size businesses are tempted to take a whack at it, because they make two erroneous assumptions. The first is that social media costs nothing. It takes endless man-hours to do it right. And if you do it wrong, the damage - to your brand and your business -- can be irreparable. Does that cost nothing?

The second erroneous assumption is this: I filled a page with text and images, I must be marketing!

It appears business professionals of all stripes now believe marketing no longer requires talent or money, creativity or experience. Just build a Facebook page and viola!, you’re social media marketing!

Problem is, you’re not. The advent of Facebook has not made you a better marketer. Do a quick survey. Pick an industry and check out the Facebook or Twitter pages from companies within that vertical. We all know what you’ll find… point & shoot images (or worse - Microsoft clip art!), tortured prose, grammatical disasters. Courtesy of doctors, lawyers and indian chiefs who think that typing equals writing. Facebook has become a vanity press for wannabe scribes.

Meaningless posts, low fan numbers or followers (or artificially created, computer generated numbers), near total lack of engagement, widely sporadic posts, the list goes on. Rarely is there evidence of a strategy, a plan, a goal. Or a scintilla of creativity.

Then comes the inevitable conclusion…social media marketing doesn’t work. But the reality is the conclusion came before any serious attempt at actually doing it.

Much like a former boss of mine, Facebook is a tool. It is not a strategy. In and of itself, it can’t get you where you want to go.

America watched Chaz Bono, who thought he could dance. While we admire Chaz's spirit, his footwork was embarrassing.

Are you the Chaz Bono of Facebook?

Consider hiring a professional.

S.O.S.

noreply@blogger.com (Bruce McArthur) — Fri, 14 Oct 2011 16:48:00 +0000

We dig boats. But we're so busy mooning over sexy hulls, under sail and over diesel, we've overlooked all those other cool hulls, the ones painted gray and named after states and admirals and presidents -- the rockin' fleet of the U.S. Navy.

Recently, a certain vessel went up for auction and had no bidders. It's the real Philadelphia Experiment, not the one promulgated by Hollywood and conspiracy nuts. Behold the Sea Shadow, matey.

Beautiful she's not, but still - no bidders? Not one?

Some kook in NYC just paid $160,000 for a rock covered in seagull crap called "Rat Island," and the stupid thing submerges at high tide. Yet here is the first "stealth ship," designed and built by Lockheed Martin and DARPA (Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency), and nobody wants her?

She'll do 14 knots, handle fairly heavy seas and might just vanish if you push the wrong (or right) button. Seafaring men can have the same sweet, unreachable remoteness of the Grand Banks without having to leave the harbor. Original price, only $195 million. She was even the inspiration for the ship in 007's Tomorrow Never Dies. You can't beat that with a Jedi Light Saber.

She's headed for the scrap heap. Unless someone - maybe a museum - offers more than her scrap value, acetylene torch-wielding goons will defile her and send her piecemeal to a smelter.

Her rudder (if she has one) might become a guardrail on the L.I.E. Her binnacle may end up as stays in Lady Gagas's corset. Or fillings in Madonna's molars. Oh the ignominy!

We're certain the Sea Shadow would be a money-making attraction at any waterfront venue. If interested, contact our pals at the Department of the Navy.

Hurry!

LARRY BLEIDNER

Brace for the Backlash

noreply@blogger.com (Bruce McArthur) — Mon, 19 Sep 2011 15:22:00 +0000

Social media marketing is going to get a bad rap. Look at these stats from the Harvard Business Review Analytics Service:

Just 12% of the companies using social media believed they are currently using it effectively.
75% of the companies surveyed said they didn't know where their customers were talking about them online.
31% said they don't measure the effectiveness of social media.

These are companies currently using social media for their marketing.

How can so many get something so wrong?

Here comes the backlash.

The question becomes...Why isn’t it working (for them)?

Perhaps it involves time. In traditional broadcast media, time is measured in seconds; a 30 second commercial, a 120 second direct response spot. In social media, time is measured in hours, as in how many hours should we invest in social media to engage and create customers?

The answer is...there is no cut and dried number. Engagement is an ongoing process. Engagement requires conversations, conversations require time; it doesn’t end. When it does, social media stops being social. The result? See the first bullet point above.

Another social media strength, and one very few marketers seem to take advantage of is search. When you think of Twitter, do you think of 140 characters or do you think “Wow, let’s use Twitter to find out who’s talking about us?” How many companies, believing they are using social media have registered on, and use, friendfeed, Google Alerts, Hootsuite, Tweetadder or any number of other tools available to help make search valuable? My guess is at most, 25% (see bullet point #2 above).

Finally, how does anyone begin a marketing initiative, whether it be social or not, without defined metrics for success? Without it, how can anyone conclude if it is working or not? And if you don’t know if it is working, how do you know if you need to tweak it? If one in three companies (bullet point 3 above) don’t know if it is working, how can those companies come to any conclusion but that it isn’t working? This is inexcusable.

Most companies who enter the realm of social media marketing, even those with the best of intentions, find staying with it difficult. There are just too many other things to do. If you’re not in a position to hire a social marketing expert internally, consider hiring an outside firm to help. The investment will be worthwhile.

When done right, social media marketing works. It takes focus, organization, commitment to a strategy, fresh engaging content and time.

BRUCE McARTHUR

WELCOME TO THE CLUB

noreply@blogger.com (Bruce McArthur) — Thu, 19 May 2011 11:50:00 +0000

Whose social network will you join?

Any endeavor running counter to human nature is doomed to failure. Take communism, for instance. Comrade, why won't you share your bushel of wheat/mule/Lexus for which you worked so hard, with your lazy neighbor? Likewise, any enterprise that appeals to human nature is virtually guaranteed success. Such is the case of PATH, (www.path.com) a new Social Media network founded by a former Facebook employee who knows Karl Marx was an imbecile. (A very lazy imbecile, by the way, who rarely worked, but married a wealthy woman.)

Smart business people know Facebook is a terrific marketing tool. But for personal - really personal use - it may be too public and egalitarian. When we throw a dinner party, we invite maybe 3 or 4 or 6 close friends, not our 1,437 Facebook friends, right? People have a natural tendency to form cliques, groups, clubs and alliances with those of a common interest or like mind. When those clubs get too big or unwieldy (think Roman Catholic Church), splinter groups will form. Once your secret fishing spot is discovered and crammed with boats - it's worthless.

Not that Facebook doesn't get it - they've got groups and privacy settings, but still, with hundreds of millions of worldwide users, it has zero snob appeal. Dave Morin founded PATH as a social network that maxes out at a more realistic 50 friends. Other niche networks, like Shizzlr, set a limit at 20 people. The names are a kick -- GroupMe, Frenzy, Rally Up, Huddl and Bubbla, to name a few. Personally, we think all these names are too cute and coy.

If VMG decides to start a niche social network, we'll won't hide behind nice. We'll call it KeepOut, or maybe AccessDenied.

Regardless, it's good news for marketers. With 20 or fewer members, we're talking niche. Looking for sailors who dig Chinese Junks with purple lapstrake hulls? We've got your social network.

LARRY BLEIDNER

The Call Of The Wild CPD

noreply@blogger.com (Bruce McArthur) — Wed, 04 May 2011 16:11:00 +0000

What is CPD? Chicago Police Department? Collaborative Product Development? Wrong again. It stands for Chief Pussycat Doll, Nicole Scherzinger.

CPD, Nicole Scherzinger

We've been admiring (worshipping) Nicole for years, and unlike politics and cell phone reception, she just keeps getting better.

We stumbled on this video and had to embed it for your viewing pleasure. Why? We don't care about the NBA or its stars. I'd rather watch Kobe beef than Kobe Bryant. But anything having to do with The CPD merits immediate attention and close scrutiny.

What is it about Nicole? She has much the same appeal as Tina Turner. Feral. Untamed. High voltage. Dangerous. Other women hate her, saying she's nothing special; or they'll sniff, she's common. R-i-i-i-ght.

Even her name is redolent with Dickensian subtext... Scher-ZINGER. Indeed.
Side by side with Led Zep front man Robert Plant, she'd blast him off the stage like an emphysematic featherweight. And this video - we doff our hat to whoever cut this for ESPN - it is masterful. We painstakingly extracted this particular screen shot from the vid for a reason. In any performance, there is a "tell" - a vocal or facial nuance that reveals so, so much.

Watch the video and look for the crazy-eye take (at about 17 seconds in) Nicole gives. It says -- no screams -- I'M FUN!

Need more Nicole? Try this: http://tinyurl.com/3u2gnpn

Larry Bleidner

R.I.P. Ronald

noreply@blogger.com (Bruce McArthur) — Sat, 30 Apr 2011 17:42:00 +0000

I never liked McDonald's. As a kid, when the golden arches would come into view through dad's windshield, my heart would sink while my taste-buds retracted. Part of my aversion to the chain was their hideous clown. I abhor clowns of any design or purpose, whether circus, rodeo, fast-food pimp or serial-killer alter-ego. Except for one. (More on him later.)

It's recently been announced that Ronald McDonald is being phased out. Hallelujah. It only took McDonald's management six decades to figure out that people revile adult males who disguise themselves with grotesque make-up and goofy garb and try to get close to other people's children. If I want my kids to laugh, I'll show them a San Kineson DVD.

Somewhere deep down where they never wanted to admit, they probably knew Ronald was a loser, so they gave him a noble, philanthropic side (Ronald McDonald House), but no matter how much good karma it banked for him, it couldn't alter his DNA which, like all clowns, was pure creep. Besides Ronald, McDonald's offered luke-warm burgers, luke-warm coffee, (doubtless required by attorneys to avert scalded tongue lawsuits) and sappy, cream curdling jingles written by Barry Manilow.

When I reached adulthood, McDonald's had become even less inviting. Most closed by 9 or 10 pm. Not very utilitarian for stoners and drunks looking for pre-dawn victuals. And if you wanted breakfast - even one thin minute after 11 am - you were refused. Ray Kroc was personally reprimanding you for sleeping in. By the time I could get a beer with my fake ID, I'd turned my back on Mickey D's forever, and signed on for what's become a life-time hitch with my buddy, Jack.

Jack is a clown too, but a different kind of clown. He's really just a big, hollow clown head on a regular guy's body. Jack's coffee is hot. Jack's tacos are great. Jack welcomes you with breakfast - or anything - 24/7. Jack does not judge. This is not by accident. Back in 1980, some smart suit at Jack corporate realized there was no sense in going head-to-head with McDonald's, so they went straight after their core customers - night crawling kids, revelers, hipsters, shift-workers or anybody else whose skin would crawl at the forced gaiety and ersatz wholesomeness of the McDonald's "experience." In fact, so in tune with its customers is Jack, in one of his recent commercials, he presents his wife with a black leather studded slave collar. Whether it was intended for him or her, we'll never know, but the message was clear. Jack... is kinky.

McDonald's success is inarguable, but their hegemony is over. Subway (now there's an appetizing name for a restaurant chain, evoking New York's filthy, dangerous and vermin-ridden mass transit system) has surpassed them in domestic venues. I predict they will continue to lose market share because while Jack welcomes you to the club with a wink and a nod and assumes you know the secret handshake, McDonald's thinks you're a moron and panders to you with treacle.

Just compare and contrast their websites. Click here for insipid, uninspired, beige (literally) boredom: www.mcdonalds.com. Click here and interface with the smart aleck master of the munchies: www.jackinthebox.com

Ronald is dead. Long live Jack.

LARRY BLEIDNER

Beam us up, Scotty!

noreply@blogger.com (Bruce McArthur) — Thu, 24 Mar 2011 16:16:00 +0000

He's 80 He's 5

Last week saw the birthdays of William Shatner and Twitter. Known as the Priceline pitchman, Sgt. TJ Hooker, Deny Crane (Boston Legal) and most recently, Ed from $#*! My Dad Says - the sitcom inspired by Twitter - Shatner has come full circle - and then some.

Shatner will always be synonymous with Star Trek, the TV series that conceptually spawned much of the tech we today take for granted. Wasn't that a Bluetooth in Lt. Uhura's ear? Kirk's "communicator" looked a lot like any flip-phone. Was U.S. Air Force stealth technology inspired by the Enterprise's "cloaking device?"

When Kirk first flipped open his communicator and said beam me up, Scotty, we somehow assumed such futuristic gizmos would be operated exclusively by high ranking officers in Starfleet Command. Who would have guessed their devolution from voice - with its infinite spectrum of tone and vocabulary - to the confines of text, and a paltry 140 characters at that? Who would have further imagined these compact marvels would find themselves in the hands of the likes of Ashton Kutcher, who would use them to apprise his 6.5 million followers of his every synaptic event.

In a recent 96-hour span, Kutcher's tweets ranged from excited to announce my new @popchips (now he's hawking salted snacks?) to Rock the Relief run for Japan! Thanks for the commercial message, AK. And your concern. You're dismissed. And by the way, thanks to your efforts, we exclusively use, endorse and promote... Canon cameras.

Don't get us wrong. We dig Twitter and its wonderfully exploitable features as a marketing tool. And we dig Shatner - here's one reason why...

Happy birthday, Bill.

While we're reminiscing about Star Trek, which Lt. Uhura do you prefer - the original or newest?

1966-1969 2009

Let us know.

LARRY BLEIDNER

Of wooden ships, iron men and sepia tones...

noreply@blogger.com (Bruce McArthur) — Tue, 08 Mar 2011 18:59:00 +0000

Ever wonder how things get their names? It's often surprising when a moniker that seems random or whimsical actually has a sterling DNA string. Such we learned, is the case with Bluenose Yachts Sales (http://www.bluenoseyachts.com), a well known broker in Newport, R.I.

Turns out that Bluenose was a famed fishing schooner-cum racing yacht that hailed from Nova Scotia (whose residents are nicknamed bluenoses). Captained by a wily and intrepid man, the Bluenose had a distinguished reign as queen of the North Atlantic for several years, repeatedly winning the coveted Halifax Herald North Atlantic Fisherman's International Competition.

This was in the early 20s, and the idea of corporate sponsorship was far from fully formed. So, the self-funding Bluenose worked the Grand Banks, filling the hold with salted cod. On one trip, she returned with 649,000 pounds of the stuff. Imagine the likes of Turner, Conner or Koch having to boat 325 tons of slimy fish before they'd be allowed to race? Oh, how times have changed.

So where's the common thread? Bluenose Yacht Sales is owned by Glenn Walters, whose great, great Uncle, Angus Walters , was the skipper who made the Bluenose fly.

For the full story, watch this magnificent video.

http://www.histori.ca/minutes/minute.do?id=10213

Capt. Angus Walters

Next time you're in fashionable Newport, stop by and meet Glenn Walters, a guy with an encyclopedic knowledge of things nautical. You may notice a resemblance to the guy on the left.

LARRY BLEIDNER

Miami NICE (scroll down for a bangin' video)

noreply@blogger.com (Bruce McArthur) — Thu, 24 Feb 2011 18:31:00 +0000

Few things in life exceed expectations. The Miami Boat Show did. It was kick-ass great, a nautical nirvana. The boats were beyond fantastic. Each time I'd fall in love with a vessel, I'd drop it for a sexier one just footsteps away.

The men and women representing their products were a pleasure to meet. Bruce and I had the good fortune to spend some time with boating legend Carl Herndon, founder and CEO

of Blackfin and former president of Bertram. In 1998, Carl purchased Jupiter Marine and now proudly helms a line of magnificent custom sport fishing boats. To call the Jupiter offerings a fleet would be an insult. Jupiter's gems should be termed a collection. Check them out at www.jupitermarine.com.

Many elements comprise a successful trade show, and most crucial is the venue. We LOOOOVVE Miami. More than any city, Miami Beach feels like a living organism...one with no self-filter or pretense. It knows what it is and makes no apologies. It's about eye-candy and fun. New York calls itself the city that never sleeps. BFD. Miami beach rocks 'till dawn and then sleeps in. That's fine by us.

The VMG crew covered a LOT of ground -- at the show and around town. As a service to our esteemed friends, fans and clients, we've prepared a brief video post-card for you, just in-case you missed anything. Have a look - we promise you'll enjoy it.

LARRY BLEIDNER

We're off to the Miami Boat Show

noreply@blogger.com (Bruce McArthur) — Tue, 15 Feb 2011 23:12:00 +0000

Home to many popular shows, including our favorite...

What show do you think says "Miami" best?

10 Boat Show Sales Secrets that work...

noreply@blogger.com (Bruce McArthur) — Thu, 03 Feb 2011 04:18:00 +0000

VMG Media is attending the 2011 Miami Boat Show. As a service to the exhibitors, we offer the following tips...

Which would you approach? (Scroll down to Secret #10)

This isn't your first trip to the rodeo. You've been at this a long time, and you know the ropes. But your staffers may be less experienced.

You've heard all the advice, tips and reminders, from breath mints to comfortable shoes. Blinding glimpses of the obvious.

But these secrets are quite arcane, and that's why they work...

1) Adjust expectations.
This is a big show. With travel, fees, lodging, freight, time away from the office and other expenses, a major financial investment. We all want that investment to pay off - fast. We want to sell some boats. But the reality is...
Trade shows are rarely sales opportunities. However, they are terrific lead-generating opportunities.
Just try to make some friends. If you do... the sales will follow.

2) Nobody ever sold anyone a boat... EVER!!!
Remember your new car? When you first drove it home to the wife and kids, did you say, "Hey, look what some guy just sold me?" No. You said, "Hey, look what I just bought."
Big, BIG difference. Have your staffers stow the sales pitches and belay the snappy closers. A thorough knowledge of what differentiates your product from competitors will be more effective than canned patter. Listen more...talk less.

3) Re-arrange the furniture - including you.
You've spent a ton on the exhibition. Carpeting, back-drops, accent lighting, sound system, A/V o-rama. An environment so comfy your boat may never want to leave. And one a customer may never want to enter. Have you created a "spider-and-fly" setting? The exhibit is art-directed to a 't' and staffers sit on captain's chairs, kibbitzing and watching the show-goers go by. And go by. And go by.

Put yourself in the shopper's Topsiders. Maybe they like the cut of the jib. But are they looking for a sales pitch? When they see someone loitering next to the hull, eyeing them like a chunk of Kobe beef, they want to run like hell.
So get out of the area and into the aisle. Let them wander in of their own accord. Ask them how they're doing. Where they're from. Just make a friend.

4) Don't try this at home...
We're astonished by the exhibitors we see who lack a simple product card on an easel, articulating the features and benefits of that product. And many of those who do have a product card, display one that torpedoes the very vessel it is supposed to sell.
We see the do-it-yourself kinds all the time. Amateur art-direction. Typos. Illegible fonts. Grammatical errors. Point-and-shoot photography. Copy that undermines the sale. Targeting the wrong demographic.

Are you in the boat business or the advertising business? Though your wife, cousin, brother-in-law or kid may have a flair for words, and take a nice photograph - they are not professionals.

The single most important element of ANY business is the marketing. Exxon, Microsoft and Toyota stick to making oil, software and cars. They don't do in-house advertising any more than they would run in-house health care -- because marketing is that specialized. Hire a pro and watch sales grow.

5) Make it hands-on.
Does your vessel do something else different or better than any other? Put a spotlight on that feature. Many boat show visitors are first time buyers. Maybe he'll fall in love with your pop up cleats or nautilus-themed chocks. Encourage shoppers to feel, touch and try.
Make it as interactive as possible.

6) It's a boat, not a museum piece.

We see it all the time. Boat sellers ask shoppers to remove their shoes before boarding. Okay, we get that. But then, a sales guy shadows you around the vessel like he expects you to pull a ball peen hammer and start wailing on the instruments. It's a boat, not an artifact. Shoppers like to explore on their own. Welcome them aboard and let them wander. When they're comfortable, they'll start to ask questions - and that's where sales begin.

7) Personal Inventory
Of course we've shaved, showered and brushed our teeth. We think we look irresistible - like an upscale castaway, in Tommy Bahama shirt, baggy shorts and braided sisal huaraches. That outfit may work for Jimmy Buffet, but he's an entertainer.
Anyone thinking someone is going to spend six or seven figures on a boat with a guy looking like that is terribly mistaken. Of course, a three piece suit is just as wrong. But a business casual outfit will throw off a more professional vibe. Opt for slacks, a collared shirt and leather shoes. No hoodies, no sneakers, and no bling. Buyers want to feel they're paying for the boat, not subsidizing the sales guy's penchant for iced Rolexes.

8) Qualifying prospects.
No one wants to waste time with window-shoppers. And it's pretty easy to pick them out. That kid barely shaving with the ratty t-shirt probably can't afford your 60-foot trawler. On the other hand, he just may own Facebook. Or maybe his rich old man is a few steps behind, and the kid's doing recon. You just never know. So be courteous to all. Treat everyone as if they can buy.

9) Data collection.
Whether or not you have a smart phone that captures electronic business cards (check the DUB app), or a fish bowl full of paper cards, after each day, sit down and take notes on the people you've met. Memories fade fast, and if you wait until you get home from the show, it may be tough to recall which business cards go with solid leads vs. window shoppers. Note a snippet of conversation you can reference in a follow-up call or email. It makes a HUGE difference.

10) Brand Ambassadors (AKA: Pretty Girls)
The truth is, boats are overwhelmingly purchased by men. An attractive, professional, outgoing young lady representing your brand will generate more traffic than a half-price sale. We're not talking Hawaiian Tropic models in g-strings and spike heels (although if you're selling sea-going missiles in acid colors, babeage is de-rigueur). A polished woman with some knowledge of your line is worth more than truck load of branded key-fobs and beer cozies. There are dozens of agencies that provide these ladies at reasonable rates.

If you don't believe us, believe the automotive companies. They know more about trade shows than anybody - and they've been using spokeswomen forever.

We'll return with more Secrets of Boat Show Success.

LARRY BLEIDNER

Is your content king... or a joke?

noreply@blogger.com (Bruce McArthur) — Wed, 12 Jan 2011 21:04:00 +0000

"Content is king" has been a media bromide for decades. But just any content? TV networks and movie studios spend hundreds of millions on content that overwhelmingly fails. With today's DIY digital buffet of media vehicles, businesses of every stripe are meddling with the alchemy that is content -- usually with lackluster results.

Having a Facebook page - even a slickly designed, custom-tabbed, grab-you-by-the-lapels Facebook page, doesn't guarantee social media success any more than having a movie theater guarantees you'll sell tickets. Ditto a Twitter account or enrollment in any of thousands of social networks. You may get people to visit once, but unless you hook them - week after week - they'll disappear.

What's the magic formula? There is none. Content should be engaging, provocative, amusing, informative, fresh and intriguing - preferably in the same posting. Strong content is art. It cannot be mass-produced. It must be original and tailor-made for the product or service. There is no one-size-fits-all theme, message or aesthetic.

People will respond to surprisingly small morsels. Case in point, a Facebook page we know of for a travel company. Several times a week, someone in the company posted typical Facebook commercial fare - look at these photos of destination x, or what's your favorite port of call, or here's a neat packing tip. None of these posts earned more than a handful of comments.

Then someone evinced a spark of creativity, posting a riddle. Presto - nearly 300 readers weighed in with guesses. Which says a lot about the "engagement" element of good content. But was the lesson learned? No. The company never responded to anyone's answer. Never solved the riddle, either.

Even Gigli was smarter than that.

Keeping the dialog going and the content fresh isn't easy. Most Facebook pages start with a bang and trail off into nothing, looking as stale as an old newspaper. If this sounds familiar, consider finding a pro to help you.

LARRY BLEIDNER

Who's right...Greek or geek?

noreply@blogger.com (Bruce McArthur) — Fri, 07 Jan 2011 03:10:00 +0000

Heraclitus David Byrne

As we hurtle into the second decade of the 21st century, we'll indulge in some historical reflection, and ponder the quotation below from ancient philosopher Heraclitus.

"The only constant is change."

Perhaps in his day the world was newer and variety more plentiful.

We see a monotonous cyclorama of high comedy and low culture.

Think not?

As the new millennium dawned a decade ago, these were among the headline stories.

The last Peanuts cartoon was drawn by Charles Schulz. (Thank God. Misshapen manifestations of Schulz' neuroses should never have seen newsprint. They were never funny. Gary Larson was funny.)
David Letterman had quintuple bypass surgery.
Britney Spears announced she was ready to act.

What's trending as we move into 2011?

Starbucks debuts a new logo, enraging loyalists of the old logo.
Hollywood parable-in-the-making Lindsey Lohan is wanted by police for shoving an orderly at rehab.
Meg Ryan is dating rocker/grandfather/cardiac patient John Mellancamp. (Who was infinitely more palatable as Johnny Cougar.)

Ten years gone by, and essentially the same meaningless events -- wrought by meaningless people -- are the primary concern of the vox populi.

Conclusion: David (Same as it ever was) Byrne knows more than the ancient Greek.

Perhaps the best we can hope for is to find humor in the stories that today's "journalists" deem newsworthy. Like the one about a Japanese whaling vessel attacked by an anti-whaling outfit called "Sea Shepherds." We don't condone slaughter of the big finned critters. But we just couldn't stop grinning when we discovered the names of two of Sea Shepherd's boats - the Steve Irwin (Crikey!) and the Bob Barker (Come on Down!). The game show host's $5 million-dollar donation cinched his name on the gunwales.

We say, why stop there? How about a 100x life-size Bob Barker figurehead bolted to the bowsprit?

The SS Bob Barker

If it doesn't scare the Japanese whalers to death, the reflection off his porcelain veneers will blister their corneas. Then again, they just might die laughing.

Now that we've had our ya-yas, let's take a peek at Social Media, not as a tool but an investment.

Wall Street thinks a Facebook IPO is imminent, and opinions about its valuation are flying faster than ass gags at a proctologist's pow-wow.

Rupert Murdoch dropped $580 million on MySpace and reputedly regrets it. Here's an interesting take from The Economist:

http://www.economist.com/economist-asks/facebook_overvalued_50_billion

Maybe we should invest in tuna, as one just sold in a Japanese sushi market for $396k ($525 per lb.)

LARRY BLEIDNER

One Solitary Life

noreply@blogger.com (Bruce McArthur) — Wed, 22 Dec 2010 13:46:00 +0000

He was born in an obscure village, the Child of a peasant teen who knew not man. He grew up in another obscure village, where He worked in a carpenter shop until He was thirty. Then for three years He was an itinerant preacher. He never married or owned a home. He never held a job, yet paid taxes. He never set foot inside a metropolis. He never traveled two hundred miles from the place He was born. He never wrote a book, or held an office. He did none of the things that usually accompany greatness. He received no awards, no medals, no prizes from His peers. While He was still a young man, the tide of popular opinion turned against Him. His friends deserted Him. He was turned over to His enemies, and went through the mockery of a trial. He had no lawyers, no friendly juries, no fair hearing. He was nailed to a cross between two thieves. While He was dying, His executioners gambled for the only piece of property He had - His cloak. After He died, He was taken down and laid in a borrowed grave. Those who stood watch could not explain His disappearance. And yet two thousand years have come and gone, and today He is still the central figure for much of the human race. All the armies that ever marched and all the navies that ever sailed and all the parliaments that ever sat and all the kings that ever reigned, put together, have not affected the life of man upon this earth as powerfully as this "One Solitary Life."

Jim Bishop 1907-1987

MERRY CHRISTMAS
Your friends at VMG

The VMG Christmas Gift Guide

noreply@blogger.com (Bruce McArthur) — Wed, 15 Dec 2010 15:14:00 +0000

We love Christmas. Santa handles the kids, leaving adults to deal with their own "gifting." That's when we get our Scrooge up.

Re-gifting is all the rage - igniting rage. You know the moment you open them. Vino from somebody's backyard vineyard with a label featuring his golden Retriever and a cutesy-poo brand like Good-boy Beaujolais. Crocheted poodle toilet paper cozies. Cookbooks about British cuisine. Ashton Kutcher DVDs.

We all have our Christmas D lists. These are people we feel compelled to give gifts to for a variety of reasons -- none of them good. Like the neighbor who has every tool ever created and lends them to you, but is so annoying you'd like to remove his tongue with the Robo-grip pliers you have yet to return. Or the co-worker you want to force feed a live grenade, but last year he gave you a Dilbert coffee mug, so reciprocate you must.

As a service to our esteemed clients and fans, VMG offers gift ideas to help you fulfill obligations while achieving your agenda.

For the soon-to-be ex wife or girlfriend:

Power Bracelet

Roll video to capture her fury as she opens a jewel box expecting karat weight bling, only to find 75¢ worth of latex in fiesta purple. These $30-$60 (retail) rubber bands should have come from the mind of Madoff. Claiming to increase strength and balance and endorsed by several pro-athletes and one race horse (all with identical IQs) they're sure to destroy even a slightly entropic relationship.

For people you hate, & their kids:

Suzy Homemaker Espresso / Pit Bull

Enliven their days and nights with either or both of these thoughtful gifts. The espresso machine makes double shot treats with the caffeine equivalent of a case of Red Bull. Their kids will be up for weeks, pinging off the walls like fleas in a hot jar. The pooch is guaranteed to ensnare the recipient in civil or criminal litigation.

The Perfect Gift

Then there's the A list -- those valued friends and business associates for whom you must find the greatest gift. There is only one choice:

This book contains more laughs and wisdom than any you're likely to find. Whether you are a dad, have a dad, know a dad, are thinking of becoming a dad, suspect you may, in fact, be a dad, or are being accused of paternity, you'll benefit from this masterpiece.

Click here and get yours today!

Amazon link

Barnes & Noble link

LARRY BLEIDNER

Of Tax Evasion and Twitter

noreply@blogger.com (Bruce McArthur) — Mon, 13 Dec 2010 13:58:00 +0000

Tax Cheat/Convict

At nearly the precise moment actor Wesley Snipes began a three-year prison sentence for tax evasion, the IRS -- the outfit that took his freedom -- announced it was using Twitter. We see tremendous irony in the confluence of these events.

According to the press release, @IRStaxPros wants to "share timely information with taxpayers" via Twitter.

Snipes was convicted on a mere 3 misdemeanor counts. The average felon (that includes assault, battery, arson, burglary, robbery, murder, and rape) serves... the same 3 years.

Tax Cheat/Treasury Secretary

The judge said he was "making an example" of Snipes, primarily for his contempt of the system. Looks like the "example" is, give us 'tude and we'll lock your sorry ass up, same as if you murder, maim and rape. Unless you happen to be part of their crew. Timothy Geithner evaded taxes, and they made him capo di tutto capi of the whole, massive shakedown operation.

VMG accessed the Twitter conversation between Wesley and his persecutors er, prosecutors and published those pithy missives herewith:

IRS:
@WesleyTheBlade Hi Wes! What are you doing?
29 Nov

WS:
@IRStaxpros I'm sending you a check for 5 million. Will that settle us up?
30 Nov

IRS:
@WesleyTheBlade Not even close. Send more $$. Don't make us go all New Jack City on you. And beg our pardon, too.
1 Dec

WS:
@IRStaxpros C'mon, man! I'm tapped out! Cut me some slack! How ‘bout a free DVD of White Men Can’t Jump?
2 Dec

IRS:
@WesleyTheBlade Got it. Wes, you're going prison for three years. Brush up on your karate.
4 Dec

WS:
@IRStaxpros This is nuts!
5 Dec

IRS:
@WesleyTheBlade Seen our vids on youtube, Wes? Very informative. Oops, sorry. No web surfing where you're going. BTW, what are you doing?
7 Dec

WS:
@IRStaxpros Time, you f*@kin pri#%s! Time!
8 Dec

IRS:
@WesleyTheBlade Check back with us in 3 years for tips on how to act compliant and obsequious. Happy Holidays!

9 Dec

LARRY BLEIDNER

The Intersection of Langley & Sesame Street

noreply@blogger.com (Bruce McArthur) — Thu, 02 Dec 2010 13:29:00 +0000

Top of everybody's home page this week: WikiLeaks.

Color us flummoxed. Sure, an email is more like a postcard than a sealed letter -- we get that. But how does an ostensibly "secure" system allow one low-level Benedict Arnold to purloin and distribute 250,000 confidential documents - from the State Department, no less? There will always be traitors. One would expect a labyrinth of trip wires, encryptions and codes to negate treason on such a massive scale, no?

Perhaps we expect too much. After a bit of snooping, it looks like "The Company" has relocated -- culturally at least -- to Sesame Street.

The CIA is actively recruiting - much like Sears or Walmart. Visit their web site www.cia.gov. and you'll be hard put to say whether it's for real or a plug for Agent Cody Banks 4.

Back in the day, CIA guys were covertly culled from elite military outfits. They were tall, dark and dangerous and lit cigarettes with rigged Zippos that could blow up Murmansk.

The new CIA has a kids' page. We kid you not.

There's a self-administered test: https://www.cia.gov/careers/games-information/photo-analysis-challenge/index.html. It displays two similar photos. Spot the differences and you may be secret agent material. To help determine your spy profile/potential are several "movies" (actually cheesy Power Point slide shows) with Miami Vice-ish techno sound tracks. This is beyond idiotic.

Hot Ruskie Spies

Still unsure as to whether you want to crawl over broken glass through a Pyonyang alley or sip cold Dom on a super-yacht as you wheedle secrets from hot Ruskie spies? Just take the CIA personality quiz: https://www.cia.gov/careers/cia-personality-quiz.html. It's a LOT more fun than the Scientology personality quiz, and once I finished, it declared me an "impressive mastermind."

Is this any way to safeguard a nation?

In the interest of National Security, we've forwarded this man's resume to the appropriate "intelligence" agencies. We're pretty sure he'll make the cut.

If you're considering digital encryption for your business, drop us an email - we can recommend several private sector companies that have never had a breach.

Lastly, there was a 007 that predated Sean Connery, who is erroneously believed to have been first to portray James Bond on screen. If you can name him, we'll send you a bullet hole from the gate house at Checkpoint Charlie.

This page will self-destruct in 10 seconds.

Good luck.

LARRY BLEIDNER

Digital Self Improvement, 101

noreply@blogger.com (Bruce McArthur) — Mon, 29 Nov 2010 17:19:00 +0000

A recent article in the NY Times about digitally altered yearbook portraits set off a media dither. As it often does, the TIMES missed the essence of the story. Long before digital trickery there was darkroom trickery, which is how many pizza-faced kids displayed miraculously flawless complexions in their graduation pictures. It was called "retouching" and it goes back a century, easy. Old school yearbook photographers would heal blemishes on the house. Now that it's infinitely easier and costs nothing, they're charging for it. That's the real story; and a mundane one at that.

But it's more fun to be morally outraged, isn't it? Gives the shrinks and and "educators" a bone to worry. If a zit is photoshopped from little Tyler's chin, does that chip away at his self esteem, asks The Times.

Puh-lease. Ralph Lauren takes near-anorexic models and slices them to stick figures.

Frozen dinners fresh from the microwave resemble camel puke, while the meal on the box looks like 5 star restaurant fare.

How about those profiles and pictures on Match.com? Every one is a young, active, cosmopolitan/achiever/tri-athlete/neurosurgeon/millionaire with a Steeplechase smile and an ass you can crack eggs on. Sure.

It's a gimmicked world. Get used to it. And no demographic is more deserving of a little image enhancement than school kids. Time will ravage our faces and bludgeon our joie de vivre. Who isn't entitled to some retroactive cosmetic enhancements?

We decided to indulge in a little Photoshop sorcery ourselves. The first reader to recognize the subject of this school portrait will win our approbation and a free Photoshop job on the image of their choice. We might even reveal his/her identity in our next post.

In the interest of transparency, truth and full disclosure, we at VMG confess we've been less than honest with our own portraits. We work with some very prestigious clients and felt compelled to fudge our images a smidge, just to give us a bit more age and gravitas.

Below are our authentic selves.

Larry Bleidner Bruce McArthur

We apologize for the deception.

Please love us just the way we are.

LARRY BLEIDNER