The Ridiculous Food Society of Upstate New York

Gas Station Hot Dog Roller Thingies: French Toast & Sauasage

2012-01-27T08:35:00.001-05:00

The wonders of the world of gas station cuisine are mysterious and unending. In the past, together we have studied the Corn Dough Dog, the Oatmeal Machine (part 1 and part 2), the Buffalo Chicken Cheese Dog, and the Cheese Burger Tube (perhaps I am forgetting something? Don' know...).

Today I stumbled on another tubular wonder of modern hot dog roller food production, the "French Toast & Sausage Tornado." Oh the things my second life as a commentator on the ridiculous food of this sad, strange world does to my poor gullet and gastrointestinal tract. But I suffer grimly, and uncomplainingly, for Science!

Before we get to the slowly spinning cylinder of my self loathing, let us study another wonder of the modern gas station. I had not seen this before. We find this example at the Cumberland farms on Route 4 in Troy. They have a veritable wall of beverage dispensers (coffee, slushies, soda, etc...). Something on the fountain soda machine caught my eye. You can't see it very well, but betwixt the soda buttons are wee "flavor shot" buttons. You have vanilla, lemon, lime, and cherry to add to your soda. Ever thought, "hrm, I think a vanilla/cherry diet Mountain Dew would hit the spot..." Well, now you can make that a sweet, sweet (artificially so) reality. I will have to admit that I gave a vanilla diet Mountain Dew a whirl.

Here we have our main subject of study. The outer wrapping is something like a sweet maple tortilla and the middle is your standard (albeit, surprisingly spicy) fast food sausage gunk. The overall flavor is laced with the expected corn syrup/fake maple cloying sweety tones. Thoroughly disgusting, yet I can see the intended allure. Crisp/fatty/sweet/savory is a recipe calculated to inspire food lust in the human mind. Plus, there is just something hypnotic about watching the glisten-y things slowly turning on the hot dog roller.

Maybe one day I will stop inflicting my (many) strange culinary fascinations on the internet at large, but today will not be the day. I will continue to sacrifice my intestinal calm to bring to you the very latest on the technology of gas station pseudo-food, lest you have to do this important work on your own.

St. Patrick's Will Be Here Before You Know It, So Here Is A Song.

2012-01-26T21:37:00.002-05:00

Colcannon (The Skillet Pot)


Did you ever eat Colcannon, made from lovely pickled cream?
With the greens and scallions mingled like a picture in a dream.
Did you ever make a hole on top to hold the melting flake
Of the creamy, flavoured butter that your mother used to make?
CHORUS
     Yes you did, so you did, so did he and so did I.
     And the more I think about it sure the nearer I'm to cry.
     Oh, wasn't it the happy days when troubles we had not,
     And our mothers made Colcannon in the little skillet pot.

Did you ever take potato cake in a basket to the school,
Tucked underneath your arm with your book, your slate and rule?
And when the teacher wasn't looking sure a great big bite you'd take,
Of the creamy flavoured buttered soft and sweet potato cake.

Did you ever go a-courting as the evening sun went down,
And the moon began a-peeping from behind the Hill o'Down?
As you wandered down the boreen where the leprechaun was seen,
And you whispered loving phrases to your little fair colleen.

Verified Recipe: Len Poli's Breakfast Sausage

2012-01-23T20:06:00.001-05:00

During my sausage making adventures I have come across a few very ill-conceived sausage recipes. This mostly occurred in the early days of my forays into the grand art of sausage-ology, i.e. before I knew enough to be able to figure out when I was being led astray by a bad recipe. You really do have a whole bunch of sausage/charcuterie formulations out there on the internets, that should you take them on without being armed with some foreknowledge of proper methods, will inevitably turn out disgusting.

So when I come across a recipe that actually turns out to be delicious, I like to share and pronounce it verified in my book. I had some extra meat lying around and was due to go to a brunch and wanted to whip up some stereotypical "breakfast" sausage.

I went to Len Poli's Homemade Sausage page which is my go to reference for most sausage related questions. For home sausage/charcuterie making I don't know if there is a better consolidated reference out there on the internet (don't let the dated page design put you off). Among his formulations I found a fairly simple "Jimmy Deen" type sausage recipe. This is a humble affair spiced with coriander, thyme, sage, and pepper. The recipe also calls for MSG, which I omitted in this case (although, I really don't have a problem with MSG as an ingredient).

Anyhow, these particular sausages turned out as advertised. They had that very familiar "breakfast sausage" flavor that I was looking for. I cooked them by steaming to 150 and then crisping in cast iron. I had to use standard casings as I did not have any sheep or other small diameter casings, this didn't hurt the recipe, they were kind of good all big and juicy like. Should you ever be in the mood for this sort of thing, the spice ratios in this recipe are perfectly balanced (in my humble opinion).

Another Stewart's Sign Spawns Another Story

2012-01-23T11:13:00.002-05:00

A Gallery of Stewart's Signage: Part 1
A Gallery of Stewart's Signage: Part 2

I don't care if I am getting a bit droll with all of my posts on this subject as I feel like I am doing important work. One day Stewart's is going to change and everyone is going to thank me for the memories conjured up by the galleries (click the above links for parts 1 and 2) I have maintained for posterity.

I don't have enough pictures for a full gallery yet, so I thought I would share one new sign that inspired me to provide a narrative for a possible event in Mr. Dave's family future (I went back and stole some pictures from the old galleries too). This is not the first time that I have gone on an incredibly long tangent based on thoughts conjured up by a Stewart's visit (read my first "Stewart's Story" here), so bear with me. I have an overactive imagination.

As you know, I now have a multi-month old manly heir now(Mr. Dave Jr.). So I am going to fast forward my life by 6 or 7 years to some far off sunny day. I am ambling down the some shady road with young Junior (Junior is be-garbed in the sporting uniform of the season) towards the Stewart's for an ice cream cone. I don't really care about the 50 cents off, but I remember that sort of deal thrilling me as a child. I am assuming Junior will share this sentiment.

We will get a couple of cones (I am partial to vanilla, don't know where Junior's tastes will go yet) and amble out the door at which time another sign catches our eyes.

Look there, in the bottom left corner, nightcrawlers! My boy's little face looks up at me and I will remember all of my childhood fishing jones' and the decision will be made for me. There is still much of the day left, so we head back towards the homestead for our poles and tackle. We will return to Stewart's for the wrigglers in a little bit, you don't want to get them too early, you want 'em to be fresh.

We will discuss what local creek to go to (he will pronounce it 'crick' just like I do) on the return trip to Stewart's for the worms. Yet another vision in brown and orange will appear upon pulling into our parking spot.

Deli Dog Sale? Fishing is hard work and requires provisions... I will introduce the boy to the steamy altar that is the beating heart of any Stewart's Shop.

We will get two to go (chili and mustard for me, I will allow the boy ketchup for now), one for each. We have already had our ice cream, so two hot dogs each would be piggish. Off we go for a day of catching sunnies and skipping rocks. Maybe we manage to get hold of a crawdaddy or two, maybe even a newt.

There you have it . Doesn't that sound like a heck of a day? I won't wax nostalgic for small town America with its Main Streets and General stores, those days are gone. I know that Stewart's is just a regional chain of convenience stores that I -- perhaps -- make a bit much of. However, I do believe that Stewart's Shops are an integral part of our hometown fabric -- fabric that my son will sew together to form his childhood memories. Heck, my wife is from downstate and used to spend summers with her Grandparents near Indian Lake. Even she has fond memories of going to the local Stewart's up there, she said it always felt like a special occasion.

Anyhow, if our chosen fishing hole was within walking distance then maybe there would also be a frosty can or two of these bad boys involved for the proud father.

This would probably get my hide tanned by Mrs. Dave, but it just might be worth the lickin'.

Hurrah For Local Blog Flame Wars

2012-01-22T12:32:00.001-05:00

Recently, I have been throughly amused by a couple of hilarious bicker-fests that have taken place in the post comments on a pair of prominent local blogs.

First we have Matt Baumgartner's discussion of his ejection from the bar at 74 State on Fridaypuppy.com. This is a classic flame war. You have actual employees that were mentioned in the post responding, impassioned regulars, and the most importantly -- a back and fourth from the author. So much butt-hurtedness! I love it.

The second one is a post over on Steve Barnes' (Times Union) Tablehopping blog regarding a meal he had at the Cambridge Hotel (you know, the one that Gordon Ramsay is going to save). This argument is spiced up by apparent sock-puppeting (possibly the owners of the hotel), outright insults directed at the post author, people insulting each other's hometowns (I think I remember a Washington County vs. Clifton Park spat). All very funny.

I can't help having an adolescent sense of delight at seeing our local online community being all up in snits. I love seeing anonymous people indulging in self-righteous indignation on regional internet forums as if the safety of the free world depended on the victory of their opinions and points of view. Ol' Mr. Dave appreciates people getting their dander up.

I feel left out. I can't remember one decent Argument/Flame battle in the comments of any of my over 500 posts over the course of the past 3 or 4 years. I guess I try to keep things mostly positive, and frankly, I attribute the relative placidity of my commentators to the fact that I have a sort of niche readership. I think that my small, merry band of readers and I agree on a lot of general opinions/points of view (i.e. I don't have the sort of widespread traffic that either of the two mentioned blogs do).

So readers, I demand a flame war! Not sure how to start one though...

Steve Barnes- I don't like your hairdo!

Matt Baumgartner- I hear the sausages at Wolff's are MADE OF PEOPLE!

Cambridge Hotel- You Washington County woodchucks can never match the sophistication of Clifton Park (which is pretty much the Paris of the Capital Region)!

Oh yeah, if you are reading this then you suck, your opinions are wrong, and I am much smarter than you and more informed about many important things.

How did I do? Let me have it anonymous internet hordes. Do your worst.

(I prob. shouldn't have to include this disclaimer, but I am being entirely facetious with most of this post, no libel suits pleas.)

Kimchi Dogs

2012-01-20T23:00:00.001-05:00

Stole this picture from a friend... Thanks friend.

So you are probably thinking that by saying "Kimchi Dog" I mean a sausage with some kimchi piled on top. Well, I do mean that. But I also mean an actual homemade sausage containing kimchi (among other things).

I started with some meats. For my fatty part I used some pork belly. I cube it up and partially freeze so the fat doesn't smear. Along with the 1 pound of pork belly, I used 3 pounds of pork shoulder and 1 pound of ground chuck. I put the meats through the grinder twice, first through a coarse plate.

Something about cubes of belly is very purty.

Before the second grinding I added my kimchi.

Kimchi and Gochujang. A recipe for goodness.

I put about a pound of kimchi in...

...and ground the whole mess through a fine plate. At this point I added about a cup of gochujang and my secret blend of sausage fixins' (I don't think we need to get into the mad science of sausage-ology in this post, if you are interested ask and I will do a post on some of the science I use). The whole mess went into Lur-lenore's (my stand mixer) ample belly to mix for 5 minutes.

To pack my sausage into casings I used a relatively new addition to my kitchen (that I have been utterly pleased with). Here we have LEM Products 5 pound stainless steal vertical stuffer. I have a very sturdy meat grinder that has stuffing capability, but I have found that the high horsepower of a good meat grinder does not make the ideal stuffer. The mechanical action of the screw powered machine tends to smear the fat and mangle the texture of certain sausage recipes. The manual, hand cranked action of the below pictured piece of finely tuned hardware eliminates this problem

I stuffed the kimchi sausage paste into 32mm (I think) edible collagen casings. I let them go in a very slow oven until a probe thermometer read 150 deg and then cold smoked them for a couple hours at one of my Brosepher's (friend's) homes.

When they were done, I grabbed one up and sliced off some hunks for tasting. Wouldn't you know it? The pound of kimchi and cup of gochujang that I thought would be more than sufficient to lend a hearty punch of flavor kind of left me wanting for more. Although the sausages were very good, I think I could have easily doubled the amounts of both ingredients for a more assertive kimchi/gochujang flavor. Aside from this we had a very successful experiment. The texture was perfect, they were moist, and the light smoke worked wonderfully.

Some close associates and I served them up on some sturdy rolls with some additional kimchi and a slathering of a 50/50 mix of gochujang and ketchup. I think the crowd was pleased.

This is one of those experiments that I think I am going to strive to refine. I think this has the possibility to become my signature sausage. Like I said before, next time I really want to step up the kimchi flavor and increase the heat levels significantly. Aside from eating the kimchi sausages on a bun, I could see them being delicious chopped up and crisped as part of a kimchi fried rice recipe.

Anyhow, I am on a mean sausage making bender ever since I got my LEM stuffer so I would expect more sausage posts in the future. I have a feeling that a fair to middlin' subset of my readership is interested in "the craft." But if I get droll, by all means, let me know.

New Wold Bistro Sunday Brunch

2012-01-15T18:19:00.000-05:00

Wouldn't you know that today I made my first visit to Ric Orlando's New World Bistro on Delaware Ave. It has become increasingly difficult to make a visit to all of the restaurants I would like to, what with all of the howling munchkins running about here at the Mr. Dave residence. I caught a movie at the Spectrum and than popped in at about 2:30, the place was still serving their brunch menu and was doing a brisk business.

I started with Wasabi/Tobiko deviled egg. Ermmm, anyone else had this? To me it tasted like a fair to middlin' plain ol' deviled egg. I didn't really get any wasabi taste, or really anything other than plain egg taste. No heat or spice, although I will say that the tobiko added a bit of interesting texture. My associate and I who each sampled one agreed that we would probably pass on these next time. Sad, as I have a real thing for deviled eggs...

I got the Big Chief Omelette. This was a very solid omelette, chock full of tasty andouille, cheese, peppers, and slathered with a bit of tasty bearnaise.

My associate got Chuck's Breakfast Bowl. He said that as far as breakfasts in bowl form go, this one was top notch.

Anyhow, I make a policy to never form opinions about a place based on any sort of breakfast or brunch service, because there are only so many directions you can go with morning fare. I do really want to go back for dinner now, lots of interesting things on that menu. Just have to wait a few more months until Mr. Dave Jr. gets on the solid consumables so I can get a sitter and bring the missus.

The Beefy Taste of Self-Loating: I Ate the 6 Dollar Thickburger at Hardee's (Milkshake Too)

2012-01-15T00:28:00.000-05:00

So, when I was in Georgia last week I ended up getting stuck in the hotel for dinner while my associates went off with the rental car. Feeling a gurgle or two in the ol' belly, I noticed that across the road there was a Hardee's and decided to give her a whirl (any fastfood anthropologist worth his salt would have done the same).

The first thing that I noticed is they had "mello yello" soda. I have a vague childhood memory of this soda which reinforces my supposition that we used to have Hardee's around these parts (I remember someone singing the Mellow Yellow song at me).

First off, I like their advertising. Something that I have always wanted is for an ambiguous, Greek type god to summon me a hamburger from thin air. This cardboard standee gives me faith that this may or may not happen someday.

Perusing the menu, I decided to order the "6 Dollar Thickburger." I was a bit perplexed when it didn't actually end up costing six dollars... So I inquired of the young register lass as to why the "thickburger" didn't cost 6 bucks (this was in no small part due to the urge to work the term "thickburger" into conversation as many times as possible). The dutiful Hardee's employee replied with a seemingly canned response regarding the fact that the thickburger in question tastes like it should cost 6 bucks...

Anyhow, I don't know about the, "this bag doubles as an air freshener" claim of the bag. Most times bags of burgers sort of smell like farts.

I was, however, impressed by the height and heft of the burger container. The thing was like 4 inches tall.

Opening up the thickburger (that is supposedly worth the sum of 6 American dollars), I was a bit impressed by the appearance. It had that wax paper wrapping that I have been taught by numerous burger joints' marketing should imply quality.

But seriously folks, for a burger from an apparent "fast food" joint, this one is no joke. The vegetable toppings are fairly fresh looking (the pickles are especially nice) and the bun is a bit of a cut above the usual suspects.

The actual burger patty has a surprising amount of crustiness on it and the whole sandwich is a textural success. I am a vehement anti-mayonaise type, but the accompanying ketchup/mustard slather countered a bit of the mayonaise nastiness. All in all this burger is head and shoulders above a McD's/B-King's type offering (but falls well short of a Five Guy's or the like).

Have I mentioned the shakes? Hardee's has "hand dipped" shakes, i.e. it isn't some strange milkshake mix. They actually use an ingredient that approximates ice cream (it is, at the very least, scoopable). I had no problems with the milkshake, it was delicious.

Anyhow, I think I was a little bit impressed by Hardee's. I was expecting a standard fastfood experience but had something that hovered a bit above the norm. I guess if you absolutely have to have a drive thru meal, you could do a lot worse than Hardee's. In any event, I think that the experience made me a more well rounded fastfood anthropologist.

Purty White Stuff

2012-01-14T10:30:00.000-05:00

I always forget how durn' purty' it is around here. The weather in Georgia (where I just was) is nice and all, but everything is bit brown and flat. During the descent to Albany INTERNATIONAL (I will believe the international part when I can get a direct flight anywhere) I am always struck by the natural beauty of the area. Even with the unending sprawl, the rivers, mountains, and general green-ness remind me of times (longer than a week) spent in other places and how I missed home.

I have spent long periods (both in the USA and abroad) living in flatlands, and when there, I am always afflicted with strange feeling of "reverse claustrophobia" as I like to call it. The big sky and 360 view of the horizon instills in me some sort of primal fear that I might be sucked up into space. I think you need the warm embrace of a valley and some big sturdy trees to keep you grounded.

If we could get some damn boiled peanuts in our gas stations, I might never have to leave our borders again. Boiled peanuts are superior snack technology to anything we currently have at our gas stations.

But alas, I guess the fact that I only get to eat them when I head south is part of why they always taste so good.

The Asian Market on Central Made Me Blush. (NSFW-ish, if your boss looks real close)

2012-01-13T23:46:00.000-05:00

Do not expand this picture if your mom is standing behind you.

So, I was over at the Asian market on Central Ave. this afternoon gathering some ingredients for an experiment that I am working on (it involves kimchi, gochujang, and meat weapons. Don't ask). Well, the line was a bit long so I was queued up adjacent the Chinese medicine section towards the front. Looking to the right I was confronted by a smutty bonanza of strange, Asian, sexy-time medication! There I was in line, flanked by two elderly women, attempting to contain my childish snickering.

Come on folks, "Spanish Fly," "Hard Ten Days," "Sex-Love Secret Code,!" Asian Market, I thought I knew you... As if all of the boobies were not enough to cause me to giggle, look at the box towards the bottom right. There is a picture of some dudes nether-regions in black bikini briefs for god's sake. How am I not supposed to break down into a pile of giggles?

Anyhow, as always I noticed that most of the Asian customers in front of me in line had carts packed full with vegetables, seafood, and other generally healthful fare. I think to many in those cultures, sexual health (like a healthful diet) is just another aspect of maintaing balance and well being. Not something to be ashamed of and squirreled away behind the counter. After these thoughts I felt a little stupid for giggling...

Mr. Dave in Georgia: Meat, Guns, and a Stuffed Monkey

2012-01-12T19:26:00.001-05:00

So, I have been down in Georgia for a few days (Atlanta area). Haven't had a lot of time to get out and about, but I managed to stop at a Llewallyn's "Old South" Bar-B-Q for lunch the other day. The one with the Max Bacon sign, if you will remember.

I got a 2 meat combo, pork and brisket. The pork was alright, a bit dry and not much smoke. It came chopped with a sweet barbecue sauce. I always feel bad saying something like this, but the brisket straight up sucked. It was over lean and just sort of tasted like well done steak. I expected more from you Georgia! I have eaten better bar-b-q back home in New York. Take that dixieland.

As I said in my last post, this sign amused me greatly and I wanted to steal it.

The thing I probably enjoyed most during the meal was that the soda came with those lil' ice nubbins that I love so much. Why isn't all ice those glorious little nubbly bastards? They are clearly a superior beverage chilling technology compared to ice in cube form.

After lunch we had some spare time. There was a giant gun store across the way, so we decided to take a gander at the wares.

Ummm.... Now you know that Mr. Dave is sort of an ol' boy at heart and is a confirmed firearm enthusiast, but what is this (those are real handguns, not toys)? Who is buying this crap? At first I thought it was some new hip-hop inspired fad, but then I saw this one... I will let my ellipsis express the astonishment I felt. I was speechless and that doesn't happen often.

Dixie-Gun

Also, there was a stuffed monkey (a baboon actually, me thinks). Stuffed monkey was wearing a hat. Stuffed monkeys in baseball caps never fail to make me smile.

Ol' Boy Monkey says "Aftirnoon Mam"

Well, that is about it. I didn't get to do a whole heck of a lot down here which is a bit of a shame. As a seasoned fast food anthropologist, I did manage to document a fast food encounter. I will follow up on that later.

Mayor Max Bacon, You Have My Sword!

2012-01-11T21:58:00.000-05:00

So I was passing through Smyrna, (this is pronounced Smurrnah) Georgia today and I stopped for a bit of barbecue.

I think I have finally found my homeland. Apparently, the Mayor of Smyrna's name is "Max Bacon," a fact that the Smyrnartions are fond enough of to hang random signs on their restaurants (no apparent elections on-going). I am telling myself that this particular ol' boy's first name is short for "Maximum," and I am fashioning him into my own personal hero. I would follow Maximum Bacon into the gates of hell! Huzzah Master Bacon!

Anyhow, I took some pics of the food and I will prob do a follow up post, don't have the time right now. Tomorrow is shaping up to be a pretty full Thursday. Luckily, the BBQ joint did have some artwork concerning passing through Smyrna. Here it is.

I am sure I will have some more thoughts concerning Georgia, I am here for a couple more days. I will most definitely share if I am not too lazy.

An Essential Component of Any Coffee Fixins' Station

2012-01-08T21:34:00.002-05:00

I don't drink coffee, but if I did then I am pretty sure I would want some flippin' eggnog involved. As if I needed more reasons to like Stewart's.

Also, more on the below pictured later-

The best thing in Stewart's can design since Moutain Brew Ice...

Bugger Off Trader Joe's

2012-01-07T09:38:00.001-05:00

I guess the big news today is about getting a Trader Joe's on Wolf Road... I am not indulging in any sort of adolescent urge to be contrary here, but come on folks. Is this really something to get excited about? To me it is just another addition to the characterless sprawl that is drowning all of us slowly. More congestion, more crowds, ick ick ick. You know what would excite me? If those 4 brick store fronts (where the Tiny shop used to be) on the four corners in Delmar became green grocers, or maybe another butcher. Heck, maybe even a little independent cafe. That would excite me.

You can spout off all you want about Trader Joe's list of good qualities to me (I might like the cheap wine, but this is New York) but I won't listen. Trader Joe's on Wolf Road is just another step in the wrong direction, part of an inevitable tide that is taking us all down into a swirling shitter. It doesn't matter where you go to get your pre-made food pellets and sad little hunks of meat, it is all the same.

Bah, I have rambled enough. Now get off my lawn!

EDIT** My response to a comment that shores up my position a bit, for context read the comments**

Great points, but I don't care about them. I don't really even care about the whole "local" thing in the sense you are talking about.

Give me a local boy who opens a shop that imports tasty rocks from Mars for god's sake. I don't care. But guess what, I want him to put that shop somewhere where I can walk to it. I want him to live up the flippin' street from me. I want to know his name. I want my kids to know him as "Tasty Mars Rock Guy From Up the Way."

I don't want to have to drive to the middle of a retail wasteland, to a hideous abandoned Staples, to buy shit that makes (marginally) more sense than what you get at any other grocers. I certainly don't want to be told that I am lucky for the privilege.

I Came Here For A Post, But All I Got Was These Crappy iPhone Pics (Inter-Holiday Malaise Has Set In, Have A Sporadic Look At My XMas Feastin')

2011-12-28T21:44:00.002-05:00

Rib roast from Rolf's.

Roasted Beasty.

Mother flippin' PILSENER LAGER BEER!!! (in bottles no less)

I baked brioche. Not for eating, for bread pudding.

Turned all of these mushrooms into...

a poop! (duxelles)

I trimma' da' PSMO.

Thought it would look prettier than it came out...

Meat was to my liking though.

I call bullshit McDonalds!!! What the shite is this? Foldy eggy crap?
On Xmas Eve Morning McMuffin?
For shame, for shame!!!

Buche de Noel from Crisan. I stuffed myself with decorations.

This is the actual log cake. Very rich, a quarter inch will do ya'.

Your moment of zen, some brioche a'kneadin' in my new friend Lur-lenore. (note the clicking, I forgot to snap the bowl in. Takes a while to get used to new friends.)

Merry Cheese Balls...

2011-12-24T12:28:00.000-05:00

I have always found Christmas to be the most personalized of all of the holidays. Every family has its own hodge-podge amalgam of strange and wonderful traditions/rituals gathered over the course of their lifetimes. You know what I am talking about, Ma' and Da' put on viking helmets and watch Emmet Otter's Jug Band Christmas at exactly 7:23 on X-mas eve... Stuff like that. It doesn't really matter if the tradition is particularly enjoyable or meaningful. You do it just because. Family rituals are not good or bad, they just kind of 'are'.

For me, a yearly solstice punishment that I inflict upon my gut is the hallowed tradition of the "cheese ball." I take mine in the "Port Wine" variety and always from the Herkimer Cheese Co. (makers of the NY Cheddar Cheese Fudge that I just reviewed). Their slogan regarding cheese balls/logs is, "Log on... and have a (cheese) ball," which is amusing. Among the various blessings of living in Upstate NY is the fact that we have the Herkimer Cheese Co. which produces what I consider to be the Platonic ideal of a cheese ball/log.

Just look at the thing. A marvelous wonder of food dye and processed cheese food, all rolled up in some limp soggy walnut bits. I don't know why, but the thing represents vivid taste memories to me and screams X-Mas like no other food product. Do I know that the cheese ball is a wonder of modern science and artificial food production and probably has as many chemical compounds as your work-a-day can of shoe polish? Yes, of course. Does this stop me from buying one every year? No, of course not.

I have a bad habit of eating only the parts with the nuts which inevitably leaves a sad, weird, orange and crimson blob of cheese ball on the plate.

It is probably fairly amusing for my wife to see me hacking at the cheese ball every year. I never take it out of the fridge early enough to get all nice, soft, and warm so the cheese always sticks to the knife and gets lifted off of the plate en masse. When I do finally separate a bit of nut be-speckled substance from the ball, I never fail to break my cracker in half attempting to spread the stuff. I culminate the experience by shoving the entire cracker and cheese mess into my gob, grinning widely, and chewing obnoxiously while cracker crumbs rain from my mouth.

Anyhow, different strokes for different folks I guess. I don't care what anyone thinks, if I am having pre-Christmas snacks, then I am having some Herkimer cheese ball. Don't judge me. Take your brie en croute and stick it right in your ear. Haha, joking. As you know, I celebrate cheese in all of its form (processed or otherwise...). Not like my friend who exiled the Herkimer Cheese Fudge from her cheese plate and left it all lonely like in the corner. I completely understand her motives though, as the idea of Cheddar cheese fudge is a little disconcerting the first time you are confronted by it. You don't want the stuff stinking up all your other stinky cheeses...

Merry Christmas Eve and Waes Hail! my fellow Upstate NY countrymen! I expect that as part of your festivities tonight you will pour libations to Father Winter and ask for wind, snow, and bluster as the weather today feels un-natural here in our homeland. Have the Upstate winter gods of old abandoned us? I don't know, but the situation has me vaguely unsettled... The lack of snow portends strange and witchy things to come with the new year, me thinks... We shall see.

Lurlene is Dead. Long Live Lur-lenore!

2011-12-22T17:36:00.002-05:00

There has been a great sadness hanging over the kitchen of the Mr. Dave household as of late. You see, Lurlene (my trusty 7 year old KitchenAid "Artisan" stand mixer) has been afflicted by some sort of strange malaise. She can barely push through the kneading of a stiff dough anymore. It seems that years of general abuse by my careless hands has taken its toll. I think that the time has come to put ol' Lurlene out to pasture, mayhaps to whip nothing stiffer than fluffy merengues in her retirement.

Yesterday my lovely (and extravagantly generous) wife made an early X-mas gift of the above picture rosy red behemoth. That right there is the KitchenAid "Professional 600" series mixer. Has a man ever had a better wife? I was all sorts of excited when I opened the box and subsequently flitted around the apartment in a manner wholly unbefitting of a man of my age and stature. These mixers set you back a pretty penny, but my family and I are fairly heavy mixer-users. So I don't feel so bad about the relatively large investment.

Anyhow, I have a thing for naming my treasured appliances (meet Lurlissa, the meat slicer) so I decided upon Lur-lenore for this new addition. Hopefully Lur-lenore and I have years of happy mixin' ahead.

May you be likewise blessed with wonderful household appliances this holiday season! Waes hail!

Crisan Bakery B-Day Cake. I Was Impressed.

2011-12-17T22:27:00.002-05:00

So I was going to bake my lovely wife, on the occasion of her birthday, a ridiculous construction that I planned on calling Cake-amemnon. The plan involved a brownie layer, red velvet layer, yellow cake layer, Devil Dog layer, and Swiss Roll layer (in the grand tradition of me making combo cakes like the Velvet Carrot and the Brownie/Cheese Cake/Cake Cake), but I got all crushingly lazy and decided to take the easy way out. I made a call to Crisan Bakery (Lark Street, Albany) and ordered up a b-day cake.

I had previously had very good experiences with Crisan's "Little Richards" and was very excited when they told me that I could get this in the form of a full-on cake.

Just look at the above picture. That beautiful specimen of a cake was prepared on short notice (I called the day before) and only cost around 25 bucks (maybe it was 30, I can't remember). To my sensibilities this is a true Albany bargain. You pay more than this for a shite sheet cake with franken-frosting at P-chops for Pete's sake.

I could not get over how impressed I was with Crisan's product and I paraded all of my friends past this square confection and demanded that they appreciate the quality, beauty, and value. Heck, when I beheld this cake in the store I ordered a Buche de Noel for the following week based on appearances alone. I will certainly let you know how that goes.

In any event, recognize that Crisan Bakery is a treasure that we Albanites are lucky to possess. During this holiday season I humbly demand that you bless them with your patronage. Make it so! I want to continue to gorge on Crisan's delicacies for years to come.

Herkimer Cheddar Cheese Fudge, Yeah You Heard Me...

2011-12-17T11:56:00.000-05:00

So I was on a morning stroll through the Slingerlands Price Chopper today when I spied something strange peeking out at me from among the soft cheeses in the cheese case. On closer inspection of the small brown squares I saw that they said "fudge" on them. That's strange I thought, fudge in the cheese case?

Picking up a hunk I almost immediately noticed something unexpected and wonderful... The second ingredient is "NY Cheddar Cheese." That is right folks, here we have Upstate New York (Herkimer, a bit south of Utica) Cheddar Cheese Fudge produced by the Herkimer County Cheese Co. What sorcery is this?

Haha, another ingredient is - "Sorbate to retard mold." I am
laughing childishly at the thought of retarded mold.

In the past I have seen recipes around for "Velveeta Fudge," and after a cursory search of "Cheddar Fudge" on the googles I found that the concept is fairly well attested. I found several different recipes and began to wonder how I was left in the dark in terms of cheddar fudge for all of these years. Upstate New York makes some of the best cheddar in the nation and you would think a purveyor, such as myself, of the strange and wonderful delicacies of our fair homeland would have been let in on this secret...

A goodly sized hunk was only a little over 3 green bills at 5 dollars a pound.

There she is folks. If you showed me this and I didn't know, I would assume that this was a standard, run of the mill block of fudge.

With a bit of trepidation (cheddar cheese fudge?!?) I sliced off a chunk and gave it a gander. The fudge seemed to have a creamy kind of consistency and there were flecks of what I initially took to be little hunks of cheddar... This seemed a little gross but upon closer inspection I realized that the odd little bits were chopped up nuts.

Now I am a brave man as far as culinary matters go, but somehow the thought of a chocolate/cheddar combination was unsettling to my sensibilities. It took me a tick or two to build up the courage to take a big ol' bite. But as with most things that you are worried about eating, the Herkimer cheese fudge was utterly normal. It tasted like a nice, smooth, chocolatey fudge with crunchy bits of nuts in it. I think I was expecting some sort of "sharp/aged" flavor from the cheddar but this character was completely absent.

If you like fudge, which I really don't, I guess this is a fair to middlin' example. Much more interesting for its novelty then its inherent fudginess I think.

But anyhow, if there has ever been a food that is more emblematic of the title of this blog, then the Herkimer cheese fudge is it. I can't think of any more ridiculous Upstate New York foods then this example. If you are aware of something better, do let me know. Thanks.

If I Can't Give You the Gout with Pork, Then I Will Do it With Poultry

2011-12-15T20:22:00.001-05:00

Just a quick post here, more on all of this later.

You see, I will shortly be hosting friends who do not partake of the pork-meats. Still striving to impress without my usual porky crutch, I have been doing strange and woderful things in the kitchen with various poultry fats.

So, I just thought you might like to see (above) what a confit of a whole Cornish game hen looks like in a wee jar (before the fat congeals). Delightfully nasty, isn't it?

Also, below we have some still warm chicken Griebenschmaltz (rendered chicken fat with chicken skin cracklin').

I made some normal chicken confit too! Below we have all the various fruits of my labor chilled and nicely solidified. I made the chicken confit in straight butter, so I also have a sizable amount of what I call "chicken butter" left over.

I think I am going to do gribene grilled cheeses, chicken confit salad, game hen rillettes, chicken butter brioche, and god only knows what all else. Sometimes my grandiose plans along these lines never come to fruition, but I think at least a dish or two out my maniacal schemes should work nicely. We shall see...

The "Trojan" Omelette at Manory's

2011-12-11T16:45:00.001-05:00

So I was across the river (downtown Troy) the other day looking for a bit of breakfast. On the recommendation of a trusted associate who knows Troy I decided to go to Manory's. This was actually my first visit to Manory's after years of hearing about the place and driving by it uncounted hundreds of times.

Moving inside, the place has the old timey river town ambiance of which I am so fond. Yellowed pictures on the wall, grizzly old people, and all that. You know what I am talking about.

Something you should know about me is that I feel honor bound during my first visit to an establishment to order whatever is proffered as a house specialty, no matter what it is (take the Doodle Dumpster for example). So when I saw the "Trojan Omelette" on the menu with the tag line "HUGE!" my decision was pretty much made for me. A 6 egg, 13 dollar omelette has to be something to behold, right?

There she is folks- 6 eggs, homefries, sausage, jalapenos, cheese, onions, all soused with some white sausage gravy. I am not usually a fan of diner/greasy spoon type omelets, but I made an exception for the Trojan.

For what it was, the Trojan was pretty well executed. The homefries were nicely browned, onions good and caramelized, crisp jalapenos, and sharp melty cheese. Not to mention the sausage, which was chopped up links. It was really good breakfast sausage, absolutely perfect texture. I wonder where they get their sausage, anybody know?

Here is the empty plate of my shame and self hate. I had skipped lunch and dinner the previous day which led to a perfect storm of piggishness that allowed me to demolish the Trojan. Probably the most that I have eaten in one sitting in years. I felt like a competitive eater.

Anyhow, I enjoyed Manory's and will definitely go back. They also had "Sugar Cookie Egg Nog French Toast" on the menu. As a seasoned Eggnogologist, I think I feel obligated to give this a whirl as well.

Oh Midwest, Aren't You Quaint?

2011-12-07T21:10:00.001-05:00

So I was out in Ohio the other week and I spied this at a hotel bar. Apparently, Yuengling is a "coming attraction" arriving in October, 2011 (I was there in November...).

But now that I think of it, Yuengling was rarely seen in our Upstate homeland before about 10 years ago. So maybe there it is considered some sort of strange and wonderful delicacy from faraway lands. But I also think I remember (in the late 90s) making runs across the border to Pennsylvania to stock up on fireworks, cut rate cigarettes (oh self destructive youth), and absurdly cheap cases of Yuengling. I am pretty sure that even back then I was aware that Yuengling was an American lager that was a bit of a cut above what I was drinking at the time (college days, don't judge me). So maybe I can't fault the Ohioans for looking forward to the arrival of the stuff.

What Am I Doing to Myself? Another Post on McD's Pies...

2011-12-06T21:59:00.001-05:00

This guy is saying - "Hrnngg.. Pie! Hrnng..."

So it is only been a precious few weeks since my last experience with McDonald's "pies" (I scarfed me a Micky D's Punkin' Pie a bit ago). Why are you doing this to me Ronald? Why must you tempt me with your fascinatingly weird "pie" offerings?

Anyhow, I was driving down Deleware Ave. when I spied a sign on the Golden Arches proffering "Holiday Pie." The advert had a picture of a strange rectangle thingy bespeckled with what I am going to call "funfetti" along with slits that appeared to be belching out a strange yellow lava. As a seasoned fast food anthropologist I (of course) had to purchase and consume, for science!

I got my prize, a single Holiday Pie, in a sad little baggy. I unfurled the satchel and I was pleasantly amused by the assault on my nostrils. If you have ever had egg custard, imagine that smell, only with a half pound of sugar dropped on top. I will say that the smattering of colored balls was a bit merry.

I broke her open and was met by a depressingly small amount of a pudding/custard sort of substance. Taking a bite I found the "crust" to be sugar cookie like and the filling to be shockingly sweet, but with an assertive eggy kind of flavor. I am a huge fan of eggy custard confections, but I have found this to be a marginally acceptable flavor with non-adventurous (i.e. children and my wife) food types.

So I am a bit perplexed. Both pumpkin flavor and egg custard are "adult" sort of flavors and I am surprised that McD's, the arch-purveyor of bland-oily-salty-fatty flavors, is attempting to peddle them. Maybe in some bizarre, sick sort of way this is a step in the right direction for our fast food overlords. Maybe I am reading into this a bit much.

Zombie Apocalypse Nog (Zombies and Eggnog, How Can This Post Not Be Interesting?)

2011-12-05T20:28:00.001-05:00

There are two things that I truly love in this world - zombies and eggnog (not necessarily in that order). Actually, I am lying about this... But zombies and eggnog are definitely in the top 20 things that I love in this world.

What an age we live in for lovers of eggnog and zombies. Has there ever been a better time for zombie fiction than now? You can play Left 4 Dead, read World War Z, or watch The Walking Dead to get nearly constant zombie fixes. As for eggnog, I have already shared a multitude of ways to enjoy the frothy golden nectar. Although in my opinion Stewart's is still the best. Suck it other Nog merchants.

So what am I getting at with all of this? Well, I have something of a penchant for survivalism, Zombie Apocalypse readiness if you will. Along with this comes a healthy interest in shelf stable food stuffs. I have already shared my opinions on a couple other canned dairy products (Red Feather butter and cheese). I thought I would weigh in on the subject of canned eggnog.

I am declaring Borden canned "Premium" eggnog my official Zombie Apocalypse preparedness canned eggnog. This is mostly because it is the only canned eggnog that I have ever seen. There is still the holidays during and after the ZA (Zombie Apocalypse) and after all, we must not live like savages during those trying times, right? I fully intend to belly up to the campfire, oil my shotgun, and indulge in hearty swills of Borden canned nog.

One of the best things about the canned nog is that you get to open it thusly, like a man!

Here is some random and obscure local (Albany) nostalgia bait. Look at the below picture. Does it give anyone else flashbacks to "Juice Time" at Albany Academy Day Camp circa 1989? That was the best dixie cup of Hawaiian punch in town I say.

Anyhow, the canned nog pours surprisingly thick. It coats the glass almost like, hrmm, nog out of a vessel other than a can...

It is a fairly pale yellow with no hint of the spicy flecks you get in some nogs. Not surprising as it is almost devoid of any nog spice flavor. You get just the faintest soupçon of cinnamon/nutmeg essence. The nog has the appearance of thickness but it goes down surprisingly thin. The flavor is lightly eggy, not too sweet, and vaguely bland. Like it is missing salt or something, don't know what that is all about.

Anyhow, if you have a bunch of Zacks (cool guy Army slang for zombies, read World War Z) mucking about your encampment (and no fresh dairy or eggs) this will do the trick nicely. As with any form of nog it would be much improved by gobs of whiskey. I declare Borden Nog a fitting substitute for the real thing in nearly every end of the world scenario.

Anyhow folks, I promise that this is only my 2nd or 3rd to last post on eggnog this season (it is an obsession, but a sweet, delicious, velvety obsession). I have some opinions on the Byrne Dairy (Syracuse) offering on deck, as well as yen to track down some Ronnybrook Farm (Ancramdale) nog. The Ronnybrook got voted as the #1 nog of the nation in the HuffPost so I am not going to lie, I am a bit excited.

On another note, you still have time to gather ingredients and whip up a batch of boozy aged nog. Cheers!

Gas Station Roller Thingy Cuisine

2011-12-02T21:15:00.001-05:00

"Corn Dog Dough" roller thingy? Can you live at that speed? Indiana has obviously outpaced Upstate New York in terms of hot dog roller technology.

In Upstate America we do have the Cheeseburger Hot Dog, the Cheesy Buffalo Ranch Chicken Dog, and the Oatmeal Machine. But Corn Dough Dog? This is strange and wonderful territory. I think we need to devote a few more scientists to research and development, nano-tech be damned. We mustn't be shown up after all...