Creative Mind Creative Body....

Recognize it, no matter how small...

2012-03-08T15:28:00.000-05:00

It's a rainy day here, and I am feeling better today than I have been in the last couple of days. Partly because I have chosen to take some of my emotions that I haven't fully dealt with, and have put them 'up on the shelf' for a little bit. Not necessarily to gather dust, but to give myself a well needed break from feeling the emotions that sometimes make me terribly sad. It's a constant work in progress, working with a roller coaster of emotions. Knowing when to feel it, and when to give yourself a break from those intense feelings is the only thing I can recommend when going through chronic disease.

I went to the Endocrinologist yesterday. The one appointment that seems to stir me up in all sorts of directions. I got through it, and here I am. :) As I sat in the waiting room with my 3 year old, I tried to relax. I normally would go to an appointment like this alone, but with family living across country, and not having a 'village' to help raise my child, he mostly comes with me for my appointments. If not for these appointments, my little guy would not be here. Pregnancy and Diabetes is dedication, summed up in a word.

This was it. Again, the last couple of months had passed so quickly, and we waited patiently to see the doctor. While I drew pictures of elephants and tigers, and cats and dogs for my son, thoughts ran through my head on what the magic number aka hemoglobin A1C was going to be today. Was it going to be enough to make me feel happy? Was it going to be enough to not get me so disappointed that my numbers would creep up again due to my feeling failure in my diabetes work? Was it simply just going to be enough? At that moment, I had to decide that any improvement was going to be a step in the right direction. So that's what I did.

Once we were called in to her office, I parked my son in his stroller in the regular spot where he takes up shop while I chat with the doc. I quickly pulled out his portable DVD player so he could occupy himself while my meeting with the doctor was underway. Then I sat in the chair next to her desk with my big red binder. The binder is my 'life story' of sorts. I keep copies of every blood test, take notes of recommendations, and print outs of my reports from my insulin pump data inside -You would think I was the 'good little diabetic' with this organization ha ha. Well, in order to feel some sort of control with something like my body that's not so easy to control, I guess having an organized binder helps, or at least I make myself think that. :)

It was the moment. The anticipation was too much, so the little bit of chatter that we exchanged the first minute or two while sitting there is now a distant memory. I asked her how my A1C was. Knowing that my previous two A1C's were 9.3% and 9.1%, I was hoping for a good number, in the sevens. I earned it. I worked for it. She said "7.9", and then took another breath to say something else. I interrupted with my excitement. I felt ecstatic. I said "Really? 7.9?" and I smiled the biggest smile. I felt like I had won the diabetes lottery, whatever that is! And in that very moment, I had already chosen that any small minute improvement was going to be recognized....and then she started to say how she had expected a better number and how it's still not where it should be. I shut that conversation down, not in a rude way, but I stopped her. I said to her, "No, I cannot do this - I need to be happy with this number. I need to recognize this accomplishment, because this is what it is for me, an accomplishment. I cannot have negativity enter my mind that this is not good enough. I know what I have to do, and I am doing it. I am doing the work, so I feel good about my results". With that, she stopped herself, and a small smile came to her face. Something of a silent understanding between us entered, and then she said, "Yes, you are right, you have done great work." In that moment, I felt satisfaction. I worked and I saw the results. They aren't perfect, but I made it to the sevens. And now, I will just keep going.

Numbers are one thing, but living life while trying to meet those numbers are another thing, and I feel like the doctors sometimes forget that. I know it's their job to push for the numbers, but sometimes they need a little push back to let them know that the numbers are within a human being who needs to be recognized for the work they are putting forth, no matter how small the change. As long as it's in the right direction is all that counts, in my opinion.

We then discussed my thyroid numbers, which have fallen in the 'normal range' for my last two tests. I was pleased to hear this.

And then we discussed the hormone replacement therapy. We are going to put it off for another while for now to see how it goes. That's when the emotions came rushing in. I asked questions about my condition, and was reminded that for me to have another child would be another miracle. So, in order for me to get more answers, she is sending me to a fertility clinic in Toronto's Mount Sinai hospital. I am not sure if this will give me the answers I need. I need something....anything, to bring me to a place where I can say, okay - now it's time to put closure to this issue, and I need to heal. I realize that I have a long road ahead of me. Who knows, maybe it will be a forever hurt that I may never recover from. I don't know that. I guess this is why Life is a journey. I just go from being okay with it, to then questioning it, so it's clear that my journey of acceptance is still ongoing. And don't get me wrong - I am the first person to be grateful for what I have been given. That's where my struggle is - to identify if my depths of sadness come from the fact that I cannot have another baby, or if it's mourning the loss of a choice. A choice that I should have been able to make, not a choice that has been ripped out from under me without my permission. It's a complex situation, and even I haven't figured it out yet. All I know is that I wish that the public knew more about Premature Ovarian Insufficiency. It's a condition that many women suffer from, but there is clearly not enough research on it yet. And fertility drugs does not help in any way. Fertility drugs like Clomid are given to drive the ovaries to push out more eggs. With Premature Ovarian Failure, there are little or no eggs left to 'push out', so there's no point in taking the drugs. That's why egg donors are out there. To help people with this condition have children, if that is the avenue they choose. Each person must do what is right for them. At this point in time of my life, I want to go to the fertility clinic to have my ovaries tested again, to just see if there is any function whatsoever.

In my experience, I had my miracle boy without any fertility measures after my diagnosis, which was a very rare occurrence - so going for a second miracle is a very slim chance. I can only live in hope - and try to comprehend it all in the process.

In the meantime, I will live every moment, try to laugh often, and love beyond words....
Have a great day!

The place to find my peace

2012-03-06T22:36:00.000-05:00

I find myself 'strolling' in here tonight because I feel overwhelmed. I find it quite annoying when I step out of being present and my brain takes me on a ride with all the thoughts that run through. I sometimes feel as though I am smothering in my own thoughts, so I need to process in a healthy manner. Writing works for me - it always has.

I have my Endocrinologist appointment tomorrow and with that appointment, brings a lot of thoughts for me. It's my 'wake up call' appointment, my 'reminder of how I am not perfect' appointment, my 'reality' appointment....my life. The reminder of the things I sometimes just want to forget. But, I can't. It's back to all the things I want to 'evict' from my body, but I have to learn to coexist with.

My thoughts go to the fact that I will have to discuss my newly diagnosed Fibromyalgia with her, then my thyroid levels, then how my latest A1C is (which brings a little anxiety as I do not want to be disappointed with my efforts) and then, I am supposed to bring the decision to the table. One that I have put off for months now - whether I want to start Hormone Replacement therapy or not. All the while, I am trying to accept being 'broken', not being able to have a sibling for my son. Yes, some may call it feeling sorry for myself, but I call it my reality, and darn it, there are some days I really am just very sad about it all. I cannot be strong all the time, and this is my place to come to release it all, hoping to get back to finding peace. Peace within myself. I feel as though with all the appointments I go to, each doctor I see is for a separate issue. However, I feel like whenever I go to my Endocrinologist appointments, it's the place where I go where all my issues go to 'collide' with one another, and frankly, I find it overwhelming. I am used to dealing with things one at a time. It's easier to cope that way. But to throw it all in together, and stir it up , it saddens me...for the moment.

I know I am just having a day, and I know it will get better, but these hormonal rides I go on are sometimes not so fun, and I need to release it. All the while, whoever may stumble upon this some night while searching for living with 'Type 1 Diabetes', 'Hypothyroidism', 'Fibromyalgia', or 'Premature Ovarian Failure', you have found it all here, welcome to my world. But if it will help you in any way, to find some sort of familiarity with my release of vulnerability, then I have helped at least one person, and have a purpose.

Onward and upward....one day at a time.
Good Night.

Leap Year! Leaps and bounds....

2012-02-29T11:39:00.001-05:00

I thought I would take the opportunity of posting today, because, I won't get to post, on this date, for another 4 years! Hmm, I wonder where my life will be 4 years from now? I will look back on this post and hopefully laugh, and be proud at how far I've come.

On this date, in four years, I will have already taken my son to his first day of school. He will be in Grade 2. Even though there are many things a person can hope for, these are just a couple of the things I hope for that's on the top of my list, at this moment, for the next Leap year:

- I hope that we are able to give our son a sibling
- I hope that my son will be able to say, "I love you Mom"
- I hope that I am able to maintain such good control of my health, that being a person with Diabetes with 'no complications' can continue to be a part of my life.
- I hope that Life will be kind. Who knows what 4 years may bring.
- I hope to find direction in what my passion is - photography. I want to find out where I am supposed to be with it.
-I hope that my family and friends continue to experience good health & happiness.

Mainly, I hope that until the next Leap year, I am able to remain more present than not. Enjoy each day as it comes, and continue to have gratefulness in my heart for whatever may come my way. To continue to Dream, Believe, Hope - and have Faith in it all. These are the things I hope for, right now, in this moment.

Right now, I am focused on today. In four years, I can look back on this entry, and reminisce about the time gone by. For now, I am thankful for the time I have been given.

Happy Leap Year!

Appointment burnout?

2012-02-27T10:56:00.000-05:00

It's a beautiful morning here today. Not too bad as we approach March. I must say that I am grateful thus far for the weather we have had here in Canada this Winter. It could be so much worse.

It helps to have really good weather when you must leave the house to go to appointments - and yes, lots of them. Well, that's what it feels like lately - I schedule my life around my appointments. Play dates for my son have to be penciled in around 'our' appointments.

My son is now 3 and still isn't talking, so he is in individualized speech therapy, one on one. And then we have pediatrician appointments, which I might add, I am very happy that they have recently stretched his appointments to every 4 months now. Before, it was every month. So - I am starting to see a light at the end of the tunnel. Then, there are my appointments - Endocrinologist, Rheumatologist, Diabetes Education team...but I think it all starts in January for me every year as it is a time of new beginnings, so to speak, but that does not take away from the fact that I do believe that from time to time, I feel a little bit of the 'appointment burnout'. Well, if that leaves my Summer months less congested, then I am thankful.

I started seeing a new Endocrinologist in December. I have gone through several tests, and must be thankful that she has put me through the tests, even though it isn't all that enjoyable. I have had constant pain and stiffness for a very long time, and well, I have suffered fatigue for most of my adult life, since my teenage years. And it was so frustrating to me, to go to every doctor who has either discounted it for my Diabetes, my Hypothyroidism or my POI being the culprit. Easy enough to say, but I live in this body. I know this isn't some side effect of my other issues. Yes there are days where I feel miserable and I can see that it's a high blood sugar. But, his has been an underlying thing for me for what feels like forever. And frankly, I do not feel that on a 'good day' of great blood sugars, thyroid in check because of the right dosage of meds, that I should still feel a lack of motivation, live in a constant fog, and feel this way - I am too young for this! There are so many things my brain wants to do, but my body just will not follow.

My visit to the Rheumatologist surprised me. I went thinking to myself, "Ugh, why am I even going to this appointment?" I felt it was just another appointment to take away from my day, take up my time, and get nowhere with the results. I have been doing this for so long that I felt that this was how it was going to be.

After consulting with the student doctor for well over 45 minutes, and then meeting with the head Rheumatologist, and being poked and prodded all over. The Rheumatologist came in with a binder. Inside the binder, as he started to flip the pages, the content looked all too familiar. What was the content? It explained a condition called, Fibromyalgia - also known as Chronic Pain Syndrome.

So, I've been diagnosed with Fibromyalgia. As I told my husband - "another notch in my belt"....and I am really trying to figure out how to feel about all this. I was surprised, yes. Do I feel relieved yet? No....I am grateful there is a name for what I am going through. But, I do wish that there were some magic pill I could pop (similar to how you handle Hypothyroidism) to fix this - but there isn't. And I think that's where I am confused as to how to feel about it all. I mean, I have been living with this for so long now - but was hoping to 'fix it', not just name it.

And so, it leaves me here, for this moment. Not sure how to feel. Not sure if I am in denial or shock. Or if I have finally come to a time where the appointments can stop for a while, and I can just rest, and be okay with living in this body. It's the only option I have.

January - A time of New Beginnings.....

2012-01-23T13:33:00.000-05:00

I'm BAAAACK!

It always seems as though this time of year, with the wet, cold snow outside, that I begin to think about things from a different perspective. I drop by sometimes to read some old posts as I find it serves as a motivator for my general overall emotional and physical health. I suppose that having an almost 3 year old that is past the baby phase helps to have more time here as well. One of the main things that I find I must remain conscious of is finding my balance, and keeping it. Not saying I am successful at it - but I sure do try. But, nothing is perfect. Nothing ever is...that's just a part of life. Once you are able to accept that part, then everything is great!

So, I must confess - and a warning to all that find some things just TMI (Too much information) - use the exit door now :)

This past year, I have put a lot of work into myself by working on acceptance. It is a constant work in progress as there are always some sort of curve ball that Life will throw at you. The fact is, I was beginning to really accept that I was, as the fertility specialist said I would, entering full blown menopause due to my premature ovarian failure. My LMP was January 11, 2011. I did not cycle all year. So, I am not so sure if it was just that I was running out of hope, or if it was just blatantly clear to me that we were not meant to have another child, and I was starting to somewhat seem okay with that.

I went to see a new Endocrinologist on December 5, 2011. I spent almost 2 hours in her office discussing all 3 of my autoimmune disorders. I left there with the normal prescriptions, blood work requisitions, and suggestions of what to do next with things that were concerning me. The one thing that stuck out in my mind was the fact that my doctor now wanted to discuss the option of going on Hormone Replacement Therapy. I left there feeling, well, not sure really. I just know that immediately I was like "no, uh uh, no way, not yet, not ME". I just wasn't ready to admit to myself that I am now on the 'full blown menopausal train'. I guess what I had done all year was just swept it under the rug while all other parts of life scattered over it like the first fresh snow of the year - just enough to blanket everything to a stand still, and then leave a chill in the air.

Mid December, I started to experience pain in my lower abdomen. Weird pain, like that of contractions when you are first induced in pregnancy with gel. The pain went on for at least 4 to 5 days when my husband said, "You should really go see the doctor about this". Then, one of those days, I was presenting symptoms as though I was ovulating. I thought that it just could not be. It's been 11 months since my LMP. But, I did say to my husband - "I think it is possible. Should we have a baby?" Of course, at that point, his answer was "No". I could understand his trepidation, as I certainly wasn't ready either. This discussion was something that had just been put up on the 'shelf' and gathered a lot of dust, as we both were beginning to just accept our life as a family of three. And, because of my denial that it could even be possible, I scheduled a doctor appointment just to be on the safe side. I wanted to rule out any possibility that this pain could be a kidney or bladder infection. So, when I went to visit the doctor, she ordered a pelvic ultrasound.

The end of December came, and I was due to go get an ultrasound on my thyroid as well. I woke up to get ready for my appointment, when lo and behold. AF was here! I was 12 days short of 1 year without cycling. I have never been so delighted to have AF arrive. It was kind of a relief, but since that, I am so confused with emotion now.

Here it is, almost a month later, and I am on the Roller Coaster again, so to speak. Hubby and I have since had the talk. Time is not of the essence for us. If we want to have another child, we must do so when the opportunity presents itself again. I am going through the feelings of regret that we missed an opportunity. I feel scared because my mind sometimes visits the 'what ifs', like What if that was the very last egg I had, and my chances are now gone. Must I go through all the emotional work again to begin accepting us as a family of three again? I mean, I know what I have been blessed with, but tell that to my maternal instinct. I just feel as though I am not done, yet. My Endocrinologist still wants me on HRT, and I know that she looks at me as some person in denial when I say to her, "No, I am not ready for Hormone Replacement yet. I ovulated once, and my body will do it again. I just feel as though I am not done....and with all your statistics, I will be the ONE. The one person that will defy the odds and be that miracle person." Most days I feel that way, but I must admit, my hopes are dwindling. I am not experiencing any of those ovulation symptoms this month, and I know it isn't going to be easy, but I am just not ready to admit defeat. Something tells me I am supposed to have another child.

I ask myself if I am crazy to want to go through all the health check ups again, all the physical changes that it brings with having another child, but I feel like this is my last chance. It's this year, or it's over. And then I look at my son, and where he is at now - and it all becomes so clear - it is worth it, to me.

So, this is my agenda. This past month, I have been working really hard at going within to find peace in myself. No stress. I have my thyroid now in normal range, this month. I have had my eye check up as a base line picture just in case pregnancy occurs. I have been working really hard at getting my blood sugars within a very good range. I have been taking prenatal vitamins since December 20, 2011, I started taking calcium supplements, and vitamin D and extra iron. I also started eating grapefruit again. I ate a lot of that before getting pregnant with my son. I know my estrogen levels are on the low side and my FSH levels are around 100, so I am eating anything with a hope of having some extra estrogen in my system without hormone replacement therapy. I am drinking more water than I have, I have cut back my coffee by half. You know the saying, "Fake it 'til you make it". Well, I am getting my body ready....despite what the doctors say. I have to do this so I can honestly say "I tried". Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

I am scared, scared I will fail, again. But, one thing I know - things happen when they are supposed to. So, if it's not this month, next month, or next year - I just have to be okay with that. It doesn't mean I am there at this moment, but I will get there, if I have to. And the emotional upheaval of taking this topic back off the shelf and dusting it off throws me into feelings I haven't had to address for a while now. I really hope that it will be worth it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JqfGqOx2iDQ

Eye See!

2011-01-27T14:22:00.000-05:00

Although I am sporadic these days with my visits - I really want to be back here, blogging away. My work schedule has changed, therefore, affording me a little more time to keep up on things.

It's nap time here for my boy, so I thought I would pop in and give a quick update about today.

I am off to the eye doctor. Yet, another unscheduled visit for me. For the last 6 weeks or so, I have this little dot 'following' me around. It's in my right eye. Well, it's like a dot with a line attached to it. It's there when I read, when I drive, and if I really pay attention to it, you can find me crossing my eyes chasing it around!

So, I mentioned it to my Endocrinologist on my most recent appointment. She suggested going to get it checked out to be on the safe side. Am I nervous? Heck, yeah. But, I have to stay on top of this stuff. The not knowing would kill me more, I suppose. While I was pregnant, I did suffer some slight hemorrhaging in the back of my eye due to the extra blood supply in my body, but that later healed itself. So, we will have to see what today will bring.

In the meantime, it's onward with the Diabetes Management. My latest HbA1C is back up from that 7.7% mark to 8.2% once again. Disappointing yes, but I have stopped beating myself up over that one. The blood work was taken just days after Christmas holidays. What did I expect? ha ha

Well, I am off to get ready. I am hoping and praying it's nothing. But if it is, I guess I will just have to deal with it.

Keeping my chin up, one day at a time!

Christmas Eve and sweet treats!

2010-12-24T09:35:00.002-05:00

I know, I know...it's been over a month since I was here last!

I really need to get my butt in gear and make more time for writing. This past month has been crazy. We've been getting ready for Christmas around here. And now, it is upon us! Most of the shopping is done, but not one item is wrapped yet! So, I ~~think~~ know that's how we are spending our Christmas Eve. We are going to set up our long 'party table' and make that our gift wrapping station for tonight.

So, health wise, I've been feeling good these last 4 to 5 weeks that I haven't been around. With the exception of a few small things. I have this one little black dot that's been visiting me daily in my right eye. I can usually tolerate it, but sometimes it can be a little annoying, especially when reading as I feel it's chasing every sentence I am frequenting. I will have to get it looked at in the New Year. I know it can't be anything too serious. I had my last eye appointment in the end of August, and everything was looking good.

This morning when I woke up, as I walked down the stairs, there was a numb kind of dead feeling in the front of my right leg. I am suspecting it's a circulation issue. I tend to cross my legs a lot, and I know I must stop. It's the same leg that I always have crossed, and it's in the area of where it rests on the top of my other leg. So, I can account for the possible cause of it.

We hosted my Hubby's work party last weekend. Well, his team - not the whole company! :) I spent my week leading up to it baking my heart out! And, not healthy treats, I might add. So, to counteract the little bit of guilt I am feeling (uncrossing my legs, again! You really don't know how difficult this is until you try it!) I did try a healthy version of muffins, and they are delicious. As I said in an earlier post about the coconut palm sugar, I finally tried it, and I must say, changing up the sugar really made a difference. None of this 60 grams of carbohydrate nonsense for one muffin. I had to guess at the carbohydrates on this one, but I must say that my sugars did very well when entering only about 20 grams or less of carbohydrate per muffin. (*Note: this amount of carbs worked for me - do not substitute my judgment for your own - I don't want to see episodes of Hypoglycemia out there!*)Amazing, isn't it? And there were no blood sugar spikes! So, I am liking this coconut palm sugar, and see more baking with it in my near future. Keep in mind that there is a high fiber count in this recipe, and with carbohydrate counting, fiber doesn't count!

Here is a sort of healthy alternative to muffins, with a hint of chocolate, of course! Thanks Jen, for the recipe.

Orange Bran Flax Muffins

1-1/2 cups oat bran
1 cup all purpose flour
1 cup flax seed (measure first, then grind)
1 cup natural bran
1 tbsp baking powder
1/2 tsp salt
2 whole oranges (washed, quartered, seeded- and yes, this includes the peel)
1 cup brown sugar (this is where I substituted with 1 cup coconut palm sugar)
1 cup buttermilk (if you do not have this readily available, use 1 cup milk with 1 tbsp vinegar mixed in)
1/2 cup canola oil
2 eggs
1 tsp baking soda
1 bag chocolate chips (I use semi-sweet)

Combine oat bran, flour, flax seed, bran, baking powder, and salt. Set. aside.

In a blender/food processor, combine oranges, ~~brown sugar~~, coconut palm sugar, buttermilk, oil, eggs & soda. Blend well.

Pour OJ mix into dry ingredients. Mix until well blended. Stir in chocolate chips. Makes 18 muffins. Bake at 375 for 18-20 minutes (I always bake for 25 minutes) Ovens may vary.

So, there you have it. A little sweet treat if you are looking for something without the guilt inserted! :) Great especially if you are an orange/chocolate flavor freak! :)

Well, this gal better run - just thought I would drop by to wish you all a very Merry Christmas, or whatever holiday you celebrate. Wishing you all the best....hmm, could this be my last post of 2010? We will have to wait and see.

1 more sleep until Santa! So excited.....

And, the results! Proof that you MUST keep going....

2010-11-18T10:16:00.001-05:00

It's been a few days since my last entry. I felt it was necessary to get things into perspective before writing again.

I went to my appointment with my insulin pump nurse, and waited anxiously in the waiting area as this was the day I was going to see if all my hard work had paid off. My nurse arrived and asked me to come into her office, so I followed, with my big red binder in tow. (The 'big red binder' is where I hold all my blood sugar logs, and pump download reports, and any notes I have written the last few months) I sat down, got comfortable, and we started to talk about the graphs and how things have been going.

I could not wait any longer. I needed to know. With a bit of excitement, yet, partly full of trepidation, I asked if she had received my most recent blood work. She did. As she flipped through my chart - which now looks more like a book, I was zoned in looking at numbers. Was this the right page? No....and then another...No....and then finally. As her fingers went down the page, I was trying to see the HbA1C number - and for a moment, I mistakenly thought my fasting blood sugar number was my HbA1C. It was not. So, the results? 7.7%

My heart sank. Yes, it did. Why? I felt disappointed, and it was very clear to my nurse that I was highly disappointed as well. I just had built up my hopes so much that I would have my numbers at 7.0% because I would then know that even if I were to get pregnant, I would be so close to being 'in the clear' with regards to the blood sugar aspect. But, it was not - and now I had even more work to do. I have been using my insulin pump without the bolus wizard calculator. It was how I was taught while pregnant, and frankly, worked well for me. However, my current pump nurse would like me to try a different way, with the bolus wizard calculator. I find it hard to wrap my mind around because I feel like a blood sugar high should be prevented in the first place, not corrected after it has gone high. So, she and I hashed this out a bit. I agreed to try her method, but that sent me into a sad, angry, frenzy that I was not willing to visit, but I had to.

I came home feeling like a mess. All this hard work, and all I had gotten out of my blood work was a 7.7%? At this point, I was a little down and out, and angry that I had Diabetes. Yes, after 24 years, I still have those days sometimes. So, I gave myself permission to feel like crap for a bit, then I got up, brushed myself off, and went on with my day.

So, the moral of the story is: There will be days when you are angry and asking "Why me?", but then in all reality, "Why not me?". You see, I can handle this. I will have my hurdles, but I will get over them. I am strong willed, and stubborn, and I will NOT let this Diabetes thing get me. So, I will forge ahead, and I will work at this, and I have to see this 7.7% as an improvement. A small one, but the numbers did drop from 8.2% to 7.7%, so I need to stop being so hard on myself and know that I am on the right path, and in the right mind frame so I can continue to improve my blood sugars.

It's going to be more hard work, but I will get there. (I am not sure where "there" is, because Diabetes never ends and is a constant battle, but you must fight to stay one step ahead of it, at all times) You can too, whether your 'life's work' is another type of hurdle, we sometimes have to dig deep to find what strength we thought we did not have all along. Stop being so hard on yourself, and try to find peace in knowing that you are trying. That's all that matters.

Today is the day....blood work results!

2010-11-15T10:31:00.000-05:00

It's a sunny morning here, and the leaves are blowing across the grass. The squirrels are going crazy trying to gather up their food for the Winter. I am happy to say, no snow...yet.

I have my appointment today with my insulin pump nurse. I will find out the results to my blood work and my latest HbA1C. I am hoping that it has dropped some since my last one of 8.2%. I am not sure what to expect really, as I feel that I worked diligently between September and October, but then slacked off a little for the remainder of the time. But, I am hoping that with all the adjustments of my pump that I did early on will have some affect on my latest HbA1C. I will take a guess for now - and say that I will be happy if I got it down to at least 7%. That will be a big improvement, and a number that is realistic, so that I am not disappointed in my efforts.

As for the baby feelings lately - I find myself exploring adoption sites, egg donor sites. I suppose I am dipping my feet in the water, so to speak, just in case my future veers down one of these paths. I believe it is a good thing, to educate yourself. But, I do find myself still on the emotional roller coaster ride, constantly. The feelings lately are not so harsh, I suppose, as I am beginning to accept that this may just be my fate. Maybe I am only supposed to have one child. But, I am so grateful for him. I do wish though, that I could give him a sibling. So, my quest will continue....for answers, for everything. Hope & Faith. It's what I must have. Everything will happen in it's own time....not my time.

I had a great day yesterday. I celebrated World Diabetes Day by wearing blue attire. I then did the bigbluetest.org and then, at 3pm Eastern, I attended the online JDRF presentation. So, I feel good that I had my own World Diabetes Day, and knowing the fact that there were others out there doing it with me. I met some nice folks during the online presentation and was reminded that I am not alone in this.

It's the middle of November! Last night we went for a family drive to look for Christmas lights. I cannot believe that yet another year has gone by, well, just about. Before you know it, it will be 2011! It's hard to believe how time flies, especially when you see how fast the little one is growing.

Have a great day!

It's been a sweet day - and I am grateful...

2010-11-09T23:37:00.000-05:00

I woke up at 6am to go get my blood work done. It was very chilly this morning as the frost was glued to the windows of my vehicle. My fingers were numb as I used a card from my wallet to scrape the beautiful snowflake frost shapes from my window. A little unprepared for this cold weather, I must say. I just want to be in denial that Winter is on it's way.

I arrived at the lab around 6:35am. The lab isn't supposed to open until 7am, but the doors open at 6:45am so the lab technicians can begin their paper work and get everything in order to begin drawing blood at 7am. I arrived outside before the doors opened, it was still dark, and there were five people in front of me. They were all ladies, varying in age. They were standing around chattering about fees that different pharmacies offer. I piped in to mention that my pharmacy just raised my 'filler fee' by $2.00. It's not bad enough that we have to pay for life sustaining drugs out of our own pockets, but now the price is going up per prescription....well, that's a whole other topic.

I waited about 40 minutes to finally have my blood drawn, while listening to people mumbling under their breath about how "the clinic isn't supposed to be open until 7am, so why are there so many people?". Well, being a blood test veteran, I can assure you that there will always be 'an early bird there to catch the worm', so that's why I was up at 6am to get to a lab that opened at 7am. There's a little tip for any blood test 'newbies' out there. Make good use of it, and you will save yourself lots of time when you need to get your blood work completed.

I had an interesting day otherwise. One that I am very thankful for. I cannot get into a whole lot of things except that many things that happened today were very exciting, or full of good news. So, I feel like I had the most awesome day. And, it feels great.

I took Grey (our cat) to the vet this evening for his vaccinations. I was telling our vet that seeing all the other little pups and dogs coming into the clinic was making me want another one. I then explained how our "J" man was a miracle baby, and that our dog, Eddie, was our 'baby' before our son came along. I joked as I told him that if I get another dog, I may just have another baby. We brought our pup home February of 2008, and then in February 2009, we brought our son home. So, I joked that that would happen to me. He then brought up the fact that he adopted his two children. I must say, based on the last two weeks of my emotional roller coaster ride, I was quite intrigued by this conversation. I am just starting to try to accept that my body may not do what I want it to, but that doesn't have to be the end of it, does it? I am still yearning to have a sibling for our boy. I want him to share life with someone, in our family.

I am not sure how I will go about getting to the end goal of this journey, but I think today's lesson made me realize that my one track mind may not be the answer. I realized that when taking a journey, there are some unexpected turns along the way. I am grateful for this. It has given me some peace of mind, for the time being.

Hey, Sugar! It's that time again!

2010-11-08T22:30:00.000-05:00

I am fasting tonight, it's blood work in the morning for me. And, I seem to feel as though I still didn't do my best. I have to realize though, that I do feel like my HbA1C will have dropped, just not to where I want it to be. But, that's the way life is, correct? We usually don't always get what we want right away. So, I will wait patiently. I was hoping that I would get my sugars to 6% but based on the fact that our Thanksgiving, and Halloween fell around those times, I fell from the wagon, so to speak, just a few times. So, I will aim for 7% this time. I hope I at least made it there from 8.2% This appointment I have next week is with my insulin pump nurse. My Endocrinologist appointment isn't until January. So let's see if I can make it through the holiday season of Christmas with all the cakes, cookies, and everything tempting, and come out with a great result in the end!

I am trying to check my sugars regularly, and need to download much more. But, there is always room for improvement. I am happy though that I made it to a birthday party this past weekend, and did not have any cake! Never thought about it until now, really. Do you see where this is going? I am fasting, and I am thinking about food....ha ha ha.

I also shopped for myself this weekend. A very nice treat, indeed. And it made me feel good. I have to do more to make myself feel good. It's a requirement. I've been going through a lot lately, and I deserve it. And I have no problem saying that. Believing it, well - when you get the 'Mommy guilt syndrome' you sometimes have to convince yourself. No, really, I know I needed to get out and do some shopping, and I had a great time doing it! I must do it more often. But, when trying on a dress, I still have not figured out how to hide my insulin pump. That's still a work in progress.

It's getting late, and I have to be up in less than 8 hours, so I will call it a night. What better way to avoid food? Sleep.... Ah, yes. Let's just hope I do not subconsciously decide to sleep walk to the fridge tonight. Bye bye, fasting blood sugar....hehe

Sweet dreams!

And, it did pass.....and now on with this thing called LIFE!

2010-10-29T14:35:00.003-04:00

Today is a new day, and I can certainly say, that even though I am looking out at some very cloudy/rainy weather, I do feel a bit better today.

I think the last 4 to 5 days must have been some sort of hormonal ride at the 'emotional wonderland' that I have been frequenting occasionally.

But, today, I woke up in a different state of mind, albeit a bit tired as well.

I will go into a bit of my thought process the last couple of days. And I will say this to you - my experiences, by no means, are a way of me telling you to try ANY of what I do. I merely try things myself to see what works best for me, and then I share my experience here. Primarily, I like to share it because in the future, when I look back and read what I have wrote, I will know at that point if my choice or decision was the 'right' one for me. I am not a doctor, nor do I plan to be, but I am going strictly on my intuition as I see it. My body and I have quite the relationship, considering that I have had to be completely aware of all things for 24 years - or, since my diagnosis.

With all the questions surrounding my brain these last few days, I started to keep coming around to the same 'theme'. Whatever reading I did, whether it was on a discussion forum, or my memories of everything that I have read in the past, up to just before I got pregnant, I kept thinking Thyroid. Even though my queries with myself were about Premature Ovarian Failure, my gut keeps telling me "Thyroid". Call it crazy, but one piece of advice that I can be sure of, to my core, is that you must be your own advocate when it comes to your medical health. Nobody else will do it for you. Because of this - I have decided since well before 2005, to keep a copy of EVERY blood test I have had. I request a copy from my doctor, and make sure I follow up to do so. It is YOUR health, and YOUR results, so YOU are entitled to it. I do sign a release form and I do pay a dollar to cover their "paper & ink costs" but the medical file I keep for myself is priceless. I think about if I move, or if I must switch physicians for some reason, I can always keep a record for myself to show my past medical history, and without paying the hefty fees of having my files transferred if moving physicians. I find it even helps me to refer back to my file at times to see where my numbers were at a certain point in time.

This brings me to my thought process just the other evening. I do know that my last few blood tests have come back showing that my Hypothyroidism is now really Hyperthyroidism, due to the medication amount that I am on. Since my son was delivered, my Endocrinologist and I have discussed this issue, and it has been a choice of mine to keep it that way. It puts my TSH (Thyroid Stimulating Hormone) levels on the lower end of 'normal' (creating somewhat of a Hyperthyroidism situation), but it is okay to keep it that way as long as it does not affect the other two tests that pertain to the thyroid. (Free T3 and Free T4) These other two have remained within normal range, and I have felt comfortable, thus far, keeping my medications at this level. You see, if I were to become pregnant - it is better for pregnancy success (without deformities etc.) if your Thyroid is on the Hyper end, than on the Hypo end, which is much more dangerous to a developing fetus.

With that said, my last few appointments with my Endocrinologist have been more about discussions on whether to lessen the dosage of my Thyroid medication. She always asks the pertinent questions on whether or not I am experiencing any type of Hyperthyroid symptoms. Things such as heart palpitations, jittery feelings, etc. To each question, I always answer "No" and then express how important I feel it is that I stay on the same level of medications. My reasoning is that: 1.If I were to get pregnant, the health of the fetus, 2. My energy levels get zapped enough with a 21 month old running around and I still have to nap, without the symptoms of fatigue from being too Hypo with my thyroid.

So, that's what the last few appointments have been like. My last appointment was in August, which brings me to now, the end of October. And due to the feelings and doubts I have been having about my inability to conceive, along with other things that I have been now experiencing, like feeling as though I cannot reach a deep sleep, and feel well rested, among other things, which may wholly be just hormones, but anxiety is coming along with it, and feeling overwhelmed.. I am feeling like it may be time for me to just reduce my thyroid medication by a small fraction. So, it may not show on my next blood test, as I have to get that done the first week of November, but it will show again when I have to see my Endocrinologist in January 2011, or if I get pregnant. Whatever one comes first.

I have been reviewing my TSH levels just prior to my getting pregnant back in 2008. On February 11, 2008 through tests ordered by the fertility specialist I was seeing at the time, my TSH levels came back as 0.17 LO. Levels are supposed to be between 0.35-5.00 MIU/L It was shortly after all this testing, among many others to do with fertility, etc. I was diagnosed with Premature Ovarian Failure.

On March 3, 2008 - only 3 weeks later, with tests ordered by my Endocrinologist my TSH was at a normal level of 0.70. Again, this put me back into the range of 0.35-5.00.

It was at the end of May 2008 that I became pregnant. On June 9, 2008, when I had suspected that I was pregnant, I asked to have tests done again, showing that the gestational age of the baby was 1-2 weeks. At that time, my TSH levels came in on the LO side, but close to normal range, at 0.32.

So, based on this information, the theory that I have come up with, in my mind - although it may not be medically correct, as said before, I am not a doctor, but this is what I truly do believe. I mean, we have to believe in something, correct? My thought processes have gone back a few years, thinking of the time that my Thyroid was so out of whack that I was suffering tremendously in many areas. My cholesterol levels were even through the roof, and at my age, that was completely not normal. I did not have bad eating habits. But, I do remember a conversation with an old Family Physician of mine, and will never forget the words he said. "Cindy, the Thyroid is like a car battery, without it, nothing works". So with that, I worked on getting my thyroid back in order. Little did I know at the time, the different type of medication I was on just wouldn't register well with my body. So, years later, I demanded to be put back on the medication I grew up on. And it worked. (Again, you have to be your own advocate!) My medications continue to work for me.

Okay, as I was saying....MY THEORY!

Now we are in the present. My last TSH levels were showing as <0.05 with normal ranges being between 0.35-5.00. Based on all the information I have gathered leading up to my first pregnancy, something is telling me that the 'car battery' aka Thyroid is interfering with many of my hormones, causing a misfire in sending it's signals out properly to get what may be the last egg available to fire out of my ovaries. So, now, I am on the road to trying to get all things leveled out. Enough of these excuses that I need my energy, etc. What I need, is to get my Thyroid back in the 'normal' range, and see what happens. It's my third day, and I have decreased my medications from 0.175mg down to 0.150mg. Let's see what happens! This may be the contributor of why I am also only getting my monthly visitor approximately every 4 months. Hopefully, I am right - but something tells me I am.

Well, all I have to do now, is wait and see. And if my theory proves correct, there will be lots of chatter going on in my medical community. I have to find a way to get this Premature Ovarian Failure into 'remission'. I can't just give up. That's not me.....

I'll keep taking it one day at a time.....

Good 'mourning'

2010-10-28T11:33:00.000-04:00

I cannot hold it in any longer. I must write. For days now, I have been sad, feeling depressed, and cannot continue as if everything is fine.

I am so sad. I am sad because of the uncertainty of my future. Will I have another child? And the many emotions that come along with it.

The fluctuating hormones and emotions in my body are causing me to be so emotional. I really think I am mourning the loss of a child that I may never meet or have. I am a wreck. The last few days, I can be doing anything one minute, and the next minute, my head is on my arm over the kitchen sink, sobbing uncontrollably.

I am trying to keep it together, but I am so sad on the inside that my body doesn't work sometimes, the way I want it to.

But I know that I need to do this. I need to mourn this 'loss'. Otherwise, I will be one big stress ball. So as I sit here, in tears, I know that this is a process and I must get through it.

I cannot wait to get to acceptance. But the hard part is, never knowing. Not knowing what is going to happen, and making that final decision, and being okay with it, to have just the one child.

I don't know where this road is going to lead me, but it's a difficult journey. I can try to stay positive, but some days are going to be harder than others.

I just have to remember, this too shall pass....

Insulin Pump Infusion Sets....How many have YOU put in today?

2010-10-22T23:40:00.002-04:00

So, I am on my third day of wearing my infusion set. Or so I thought, until I looked at my pump. "Last Reservoir started October 18, 2010" I am thinking "Are you kidding me? Where has the time gone? Four days already? This is just ridiculous!"

For those of you that are not sure what an infusion set is, it is sort of a 4 part system. It is the device used to hook up to an insulin pump. It consists of a cannula that you insert under the skin, almost with the same concept of an IV, where the needle does not stay in your skin, it is used only for insertion, and then left behind in your skin is a little tube. This little tube stays into your skin with another part called an adhesive mount. You rub this sticky stuff on your skin so that the adhesive part that holds the cannula in place will not come off easily and will stick to you for (hopefully) 3 days. The adhesive mount has a quick-disconnect section that connects to the long tubing that goes to the cartridge that is being held inside the insulin pump. It is the cartridge that is filled with insulin, and the pump is responsible for delivering the amount of insulin from that cartridge through the tubing, into the body. The pump has all the information programmed into it like a computer, based on data that you provide it by checking your blood sugars. (I can get into that part another day)

I am writing because I am wondering if there are any other persons with Diabetes out there who have had to go through the frustration of inserting your set, and finding that it hurts like He**! So, here I sit with 3, yes 3 sets in my tummy. And I am in pain tonight. The first one (now 4 days old) was starting to peel, and hurt, so thankfully I checked and found that it was 4 days old and realized it was time for a change. I then inserted the second one as my new one, and that one hurt so badly. I usually can insert them without incident. Once I inserted and did my fixed prime, it wasn't sitting nicely in my skin, and my nurse has always said to replace any that hurt. And I sure as heck am not going to be sleeping with that hurting tonight. So, attempt number 3! I tried another one, and for some reason, my skin is so sensitive tonight that I had terrible pain inserting that one as well. I managed to get it in and now have my pump operating off that one, but wow, I haven't had this happen in a VERY long time. For the first time in a long time, before I was able to get the third one in, I had a 'moment' with my pillow. I used it as a good old punching bag. I feel a bit better now...I must say! ;)

I am thankful to be on the pump, and I wouldn't change it for the world, but you know, the one thing they don't tell you much of is the permanent scarring you develop once you are on the pump. With daily injections, the needles are smaller so that you occasionally bruise, but usually do not scar. It is the quick in and out of that needle that causes no problems. With the insulin pump, that tubing sits in your skin, so your body tries to heal around it, and after 3 days, when it comes out, you are left with a scar. If you wait longer than 3 days, you start to risk causing an infection to flare up, well in my case anyway. So, I was blessed with having no stretch marks during my pregnancy, but the truth is, the scarring from the pump makes up for that!

Gone are the days of the unblemished tummy skin. Hello scars! I feel like a pin cushion most times, but do not complain about it much. But, I just had to share this tidbit of information with you that, yes, after 24 years, I have not gotten used to needles. Yes, they still hurt. And yes, I still sometimes get frustrated, ie. 'pillow moment'. And, I most certainly do NOT like using up extra sets as they are quite pricey! Here in Canada they run at about an average of twenty dollars each. Sure, when you think of partial insurances, etc. I think about the days when I had NO coverage. And to me, it still costs money.

So there are many ways to look at it, but I thought, while I let this burning pain settle that is radiating through the skin on my tummy, I would write a bit so I could go to bed and rest my head for the night.

Bruised and bent, but not broken....one day at a time. :)

It's quiet, and I thought I'd pop by before bed...

2010-10-22T01:10:00.000-04:00

Yes, it's late. I have no idea why I am up so late. I guess I just don't want this day to end, and maybe the Diet Coke I had earlier hasn't helped me in the 'sleepy department', so maybe writing will.

Today was a whirlwind for me, and I am feeling quite good about getting through the last few hectic days. Now the only thing that is really on my mind is how I must get back on the wagon of downloading my pump. Since my weekend away for Thanksgiving, I have sort of slacked, yet again! I must look at my data to figure out what needs tweaking next on my pump.

I am determined that by the time my November appointment rolls around, I will have a good HbA1C. But, if I continue like this, it will not be as great as I anticipate. So, I had better get crackin'!

So, this small note for tonight is not only a way to rest my mind for bedtime, but a reminder to myself that I am aiming for a specific goal. And the only way to achieve that goal is to go after it, and stay focused!. So, that's what I am going to do! Ha ha...if only it were that simple, right? Well, it's not simple, it never is! But, practice makes progress, and the more I work at it, the better results I will see.

Being that my last HbA1C was at 8.2, I am in desperate need of results this time. I have tried to change a few things, such as my eating habits. But you know, pumpkin seeds can only go so far in place of my potato chips. Well, I am not completely giving everything up, but my mouth waters just thinking about my chips. Mmm, chips....Okay...focus, stay focused!

So, tomorrow, *or should I say today*, is Friday, and this weekend I am going to be the birthday girl, and as a gift to myself, I am going to download my pump, and adjust it accordingly, and feel great about all of the health accomplishments, and other things I have done in my life.

I am grateful, and that's what counts. I will not take anything for granted, and I will take this one day at a time. Now I must hit the sack. There's a little boy that calls "Mamaaaa!" in the morning, and I have to be awake to enjoy the sound of his little voice. :)

Have a great night. Sleep tight!

I found a new 'sugar'!

2010-10-18T23:37:00.000-04:00

Today I felt like I didn't stop one bit. Since I have quite the busy week coming up, I decided that I would try to sleep in this morning. But, that all came to an end at 9am when the door bell rang, and the dog barked, and I was far far away from dream land. I was awake, and there was no way I was getting back to sleep. I scurried around looking for something decent to wear downstairs to answer the door. As my sleepy eyes peered out the front door into the bright morning light, I realized - Darn it! I forgot to leave the fence unlocked for the pool maintenance guys to come and check a few things out for me.

So, I woke up pretty quickly, and going out into the back yard with the cool, crisp morning breeze, I was going to need coffee to get me through this day.

I tried to get lots done around the house today. And no matter how hard I tried, it seemed that the tornado of toys did not end. Either way, I managed to get the dishwasher loaded, the kitchen somewhat tidied, just so I could mess it up again for this evening's dinner, and then while dinner was in the oven, I was able to get the "J" man bathed and put down for a short nap. *Sigh* I tried to rest for a bit, but then I could not sleep again.

I got up, finished Dinner, ate with the family, then went off to work.

After work, I decided that it was time for some me-time. I drove to the nearest bulk food store, and took my time browsing every bin there. It was at the end of aisle one, I looked, then did a double take. I had been looking for this stuff about a month ago, and I finally stumbled upon it! Organic palm sugar - ingredients: 100% Coconut Palm Sugar. I was so excited!

What is Coconut Palm Sugar? Well, long story short, I am still reading up on it myself, but I have a friend living in France who told me about this. She is trying to bake and lower the amount of glucose she consumes due to some health issues. And, being that she has quite the sweet tooth, she has told me about this Coconut Palm Sugar that apparently is becoming quite popular. It is made from the sap of the coconut flower, and it is very low on the glycemic index, so it does not affect blood sugars nearly as much as sugar cane does.

I am so excited to have found it, and I am looking forward to trying some new (or old) recipes with it. It will be very easy to substitute in my recipes as the ratio is 1:1, so you basically add the same amount of Coconut palm sugar in place of what the amount of sugar calls for in your recipe. It is brown in color, and has a sweet taste, with a bit of a caramel aftertaste, so far, not bad at all!

I will have to share my thoughts on this new ingredient in my life, once I try it in a recipe, and see how my blood sugars do with it.

Now, for some sleep.....

Napping IS a part of life, even if you don't want to....

2010-10-16T22:31:00.000-04:00

It's getting late, and I am sitting here contemplating what to do next around my house, when I feel I should be relaxing. But, I think I have finally figured out why it is I feel like I hardly get anything done. I set my number of things on my 'to do list' way too high! I then spend my day constantly thinking about the things I didn't get done, instead of focusing on the things I did complete.

This brings me to the topic of naps. Ever since I have been in school, particularly living with Diabetes and Hypothyroidism, there has been rare days where I can get through a day without a nap, and not feel tired. But, lately, I feel exhausted. And this tired feeling is not something I can just push through. And as much as I wish I were Super woman, I am not, therefore, I must nap. I do feel refreshed once I nap, but I have spent many years asking myself why I have to nap, when clearly, I feel that there are just not enough hours in a day!

So with that, I would love to enjoy life more, but a part of having quality of life, is listening to your body when it tells you to slow down. And lately, my body has been chatting up quite the storm! I have been napping the last few days, and wish I didn't feel guilty. I know I am not a lazy person, but I do get tired, and the only way to fix that is to nap.

With the world always in a hurry, I sometimes think I was meant to be in another country, where the 'Siesta' is a common tradition, and 'normal'. Either way, I will continue to do what helps me get through this, one day at a time.

All things can be sugar and spice and everything nice......but....

2010-10-13T12:24:00.001-04:00

It's been over a week since I last wrote. And the time before that, my son was sick with a fever for 6 days, so I drop in here when I can, and hopefully, it will be more often in the near future.

This past week took me away from the world of internet, phone, etc. It was a nice getaway for our Thanksgiving weekend. I managed to get some nice photography shots near the water. I love water - I am drawn to it, and quite frankly, I find it very therapeutic.

Which brings me to the present. Every other week, I have been experiencing a day or two here and there where I am just not feeling quite right within myself. *I'll pause here for a moment as my boy is ready to pour a bowl of cheerios over his head. :) * Okay, as I was saying....I have been finding myself in these particular moods that I cannot sort through. Really, I think I do know what's going on. Even though Life goes on and we have our daily happenings around here, I feel that this Premature Ovarian Failure has a bit of a hold on me. You see, I have had 24 years to accept having Type 1 Diabetes, and Hypothyroidism, and that doesn't make it any easier, but it does have precedence in the 'acceptance' department, if you know what I mean.

The Premature Ovarian Failure diagnosis is still quite fresh for me, and yes - it has been 2 years and 7 months since my official diagnosis, but I didn't have to pay it much attention, or process it for that matter, because I got pregnant with my first child two months after that diagnosis. Then came my obsession of having a successful diabetic pregnancy, and then having a baby, and all that comes with that. So, now I sit here, with I guess you can say, a second diagnosis, because it is now resurfacing. The hormone fluctuations are happening, I suffer hot flashes, and feel that these rampant hormones are affecting my moods as well. I can be strong most of the time, but the thought within me these days have me sort of obsessing whether or not I will have my second child that I yearn for. I find myself tearing up with emotion at the weirdest times. I mean, I know I can be a sucker for punishment, but why buy barrettes at the grocery store and pin them on my fridge? I don't even have a little girl. I think it's the unknown that is getting me all up in arms. Most days I am shrugging this diagnosis off because we had our first boy, and I know things work out in their own time, but then I stop and think, "Can I have a miracle twice?" Then I was reading an article in a magazine yesterday about people living their lives at certain ages and what advice they give, knowing what they know now. And the words "Have the baby" jumped off the page at me. And then of course, my thoughts go immediately to, "What if I cannot?" So, I find my blog here so appropriately named....The Roller coaster. That's what I am on, and I don't know when the ride will end. I only hope that it's a happy ending, that's all.

I just need to keep faith in knowing that whatever is meant to be will happen for me, and when the final decision comes from the 'universe' or 'higher power', I just have to learn to accept it. But, that doesn't mean that I won't have moments of feeling sad and disappointed. That's what I need to go through to get to the acceptance part.

Warning - do not proceed to read ahead if you cannot handle the "TMI department" *too much information* as I will be talking about the reality of living with Premature Ovarian Failure.

In the meantime, on a positive note, and in the TMI (too much information) department, I have just had a visit from my monthly friend for the first time in 75 days, which is a smaller time frame than my last one of 142 days apart. So, this could be a good sign with that time frame being cut in half. My blood sugars are doing well (with the exception of this past crazy weekend) with my adjustments on my insulin pump. I have been on my prenatal vitamins for almost 2 months now, and fingers remain crossed for something more than just an Anovulatory cycle. An anovulatory cycle is a menstrual cycle in which ovulation (release of an egg) fails to occur. So yes, I clearly need to relax my brain but I am living this thing day to day just waiting and wondering what is going to happen. With the hormones in my body, it can be difficult sometimes.

A little story to tell you about my last appointment with my Endocrinologist - it was the day I had the stress test. I didn't mention this in my previous blog about it. After I was finished asking her about my prenatal vitamins, and my wacky blood sugars, I told her something that made her laugh. Humor is always good when trying to get through something. Lightheartedly, I told my Endocrinologist that I would get pregnant by November. She laughed and asked me why I would choose November. I then told her that it's all about timing. I told her that since my menstrual periods were 4 months apart, I would predict my next one to be November, and also, in November, I will have been on my prenatal vitamins for 3 months, which would take me to the appropriate amount of time to be on a prenatal vitamin before getting pregnant. She then laughed a kind laugh, and said, "Well, Cindy, if that happens, I will just have to write an article on you!" So, I then told her "I will will it to happen!" and smiled as she walked out the door. I guess this will be a true test of 'what you think about, you bring about'. But, based on her comment, I am thinking that this may be a little more difficult than I am thinking. We will see.

Writing helps me. I babble my thoughts here, and feel like I can breathe again. So, with that, I am going to go enjoy this day and feel blessed with the little boy that's sitting here next to me using his yogurt to finger paint. :) He does not know it yet, but one day he will know how much we wanted him in our lives, and we are so happy he is here. We love you "J" man. And we can only hope that one day, I can write about a little sibling for him.

One day at a time!
Cindy :)

Happy 24th Anniversary to ME!!!

2010-10-05T23:47:00.000-04:00

Today I woke up in a particularly reflective mood, and today of all days, I cannot help the fact that I have so much to be thankful for.

First, I am thankful for the years 1921 and 1922. Why would I be so thankful for two years in time when I did not even exist yet? Because, in 1921, there were four men involved in something life changing, not only for many people, but for me. Dr. Frederick Banting was the first guy. He discovered insulin in 1921 when he successfully lowered a dog's blood sugar. Charles Best was a research assistant along side Dr. Banting at the time. Then the other two guys, researcher John Macleod and chemist James Collip would help to prepare the insulin for human use. In January of 1922, the first human insulin injection was given, saving a boy's life.

Now, here I sit on October 5, 2010, and I am celebrating my 24th anniversary with Type 1 Insulin Dependent Diabetes. I get a very odd response from people when I say I am "celebrating" the anniversary of my diagnosis with this potentially deadly disease. Well, why wouldn't I celebrate? I have been given an extra 24 years of life that would have otherwise been my death sentence back in 1986 had the discovery of insulin not been made. And for that, I am thankful. I am also thankful that with 24 years under my belt, I have been blessed with the gift of not yet suffering with major complications caused by this disease. Others are not so lucky, and I know that from first hand experience. I cry every time I hear about one of my camp friends who have had to suffer at the hands of this dreadful disease.

Insulin was given to me as a tool. It doesn't 'cure' everything. There are many tools involved in maintaining a proper balance to live a long time with this disease. One of the major things you need is, attitude. A good attitude to help pull you out of a hole on a bad day, and a stubborn attitude to make sure that this disease doesn't kick your butt. Then most of the other stuff you need is knowledge and pure determination and Hope. You keep at it, day in, and day out, and just hope for the best. It all doesn't come without some hard work involved. Any person with Diabetes will tell you that nothing is ever perfect, so I am in no way trying to portray perfection. There are days you simply burn out, but really - what other choice do you have? You just need to be okay with feeling burned out, then brush yourself off, and get back on that wagon. Yes, it sucks sometimes, but this is the hand I was dealt, and I have to be okay with it, for the most part. I feel that acceptance has gotten me even further with this disease. Fighting with myself that it doesn't exist creates only more stress. So, I just help this disease be as comfortable as it can be inside my body so it doesn't wreak havoc on my body. I can't 'evict' it, so I live with it.

Alongside all of those things that you need to maintain a balance with this disease, I have used many of these 'tools' in my general life experiences. You see, this disease tends to make you look at the world in a different way. If you think long and hard enough, it will make you realize that the little petty things in life just don't matter.

Today I am proud, happy, and feel so accomplished to have 24 years under my belt, and many more to go, if I have anything to do with it. So yes, I am "celebrating"! I am celebrating so much so that I am seriously considering having a 25th Anniversary party next year to celebrate this extra LIFE I have been given. Who wouldn't celebrate with having 25 years added to their clock?

Happy 24th Anniversary to ME! Bring it on, baby!

I've been pondering about that day.....

2010-09-18T00:17:00.000-04:00

It's not often that I think about the day I was diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes, or the events that followed afterward. It was just another day, in the life of somebody.

But, since Sunday, when I wrote the original post about how the day of my diagnosis went - I have had random thoughts just come out of nowhere. I guess by writing about my experience, I have sort of processed it more emotionally. I usually have always just taken it for what it was. I became a person with Diabetes. But that day was more than that. I became a child with adult responsibilities, very quickly.

Looking back, I remember everything pretty clearly. I didn't get to go home the day the blood work came back. My hospital stay was going to be indefinite. Being that I was from a small town, even the doctor on call at the time wasn't that familiar with Diabetes. My mother had to arrange to get my clothes brought to the hospital as this was going to be my new home for a while.

At the time of my diagnosis, I was 10 years of age, and I weighed 66 pounds. I remember the doctor saying that I was 19 pounds underweight. I had a thing called ketones spilling into my urine. At the time, I had no idea what ketones were. But, with everything that came with learning about Diabetes, I soon learned that ketones weren't a good thing. The goal was to have nothing show up on that urine test strip. Ketones are the waste product that is spilled into the urine when your body doesn't have enough energy and starts to burn fat in your body for that energy. It's not a good thing to have fat burning like this because your body thinks it's in a starvation state. Your body needs glucose to function, and insulin is the key to allowing glucose into your cells to give you energy. Without that key (insulin) into your cells, the glucose just piles up in the blood stream, resulting in high blood sugar. And without the glucose reaching your cells, the body must find another source of energy to support itself, so it burns fat for that energy, causing the waste product of ketones to occur.

I hope that made sense. In other words, too many ketones result in ketoacidosis, which is a life-threatening condition. So, I am thankful I was diagnosed when I was, or it could have gotten a lot more serious.

The next 17 days were spent in hospital. I spent the first 7 days in the one hospital I was diagnosed in, and the following 10 days were spent at the hospital I was transferred to. This hospital was more equipped with a Diabetes education centre and such to help get my Diabetes under control. I think my stay could have gone on for a few more days had I not begged the intern doctor to allow me to be discharged before my 11th birthday the next day. I was so excited to leave and go home.

And then my 'new' life began....

There are my few bits and pieces about that for today. It's just past midnight now, and I must get some rest.

Good Night :)
One day at a time....
Cindy

Another definition for Diabetes!

2010-09-14T14:26:00.001-04:00

It's nap time here in our household, and as I was carefully figuring out what to eat for my lunch, counting carbohydrates, etc. It hit me. Diabetes is a constant thinking game. Perhaps that's why I am such a deep individual. I have been trained to think all my life.

If you eat too much, and do not take enough insulin, your blood sugars go too high. If you eat too little, and take too much insulin, your blood sugars crash too low. So, Diabetes is, very simply put (but not simple by any means): Being accountable for every particle of food that enters your mouth.

And, to think that we now have the insulin pump. It sure does take the worry out of things when trying to find that fine balance of blood sugar. But wait, you must make the pump work for you also. So, in essence, the thinking game never stops. In the end though, I must say that I am probably a whole lot healthier now than what I would be at my age without Diabetes. I love my junk food, and the fact that Diabetes is always there with me, reminds me that everything must be in moderation.

Yes, I can still have my treats. I just have to count the carbohydrates. So, when grocery shopping and label reading, I am thankful for my knowledge on carbohydrates. Why? Well, there have been many times I have looked at a beautiful, moist, sticky cinnamon bun in it's packaging and was so ready to take it home with me, but then I read the label. The carbohydrates on some of those things are worth more in carbohydrates than a whole plate of pasta dinner with sauce! So, that's what stops me and I leave it on the shelf.

Being accountable. That's it. That's what keeps me in check with my Diabetes. Because, if I am not accountable, the Diabetes reminds me that it's still there. I choose. Feeling healthy, or feel miserable. What would you choose? Really, there is no choice, but to live the best quality life that you can with every day you are given. There are burnout days, yes. Those days come and go. It's normal to feel angry that you have been dealt this card. You know, the days where you don't care, don't want to have Diabetes, and just rebel a little, eat what you want, don't check your blood sugar, etc. And then, there are days like today where I am thankful that I know when to pull in my reigns and get back on the wagon. I want quality of life, and I want it for a long time. Nothing comes for free, and not without hard work. I apply myself the best way I know how. I want to see my son grow up with the eyesight I have been given, the kidneys that function within me, and the limbs that keep me moving. There's my choice, and I am happy with it.

Have a great day, and a little piece of advice learned from my 'School of Life'. Always be accountable for the choices you make in your Life. There will always be something to come back and remind you of the choice you made. Good or bad.

Remember, it's just one day at a time....and being right here, in this NOW moment is not so bad, is it? Smile....

Cindy

Happy Sunday!

2010-09-12T12:27:00.001-04:00

Good Morning!

It is a late Sunday morning and we are still in the breakfast mode. My husband and I have finished our breakfast, and I am now sitting here watching my precious boy attempt to feed himself yogurt. He's doing so well, even if his face is looking like a canvas that has had a bunch of paint just splattered all over it!

Whoa, here goes another hot flash. Pardon me if I changed the subject quickly, but I am writing in the moment here. Yes, at age 34, I am suffering hot flashes already!

I often look at my life and I am so thankful for everything that I have been given. For everything I have been through earlier in my life, I believe the later half of my life will be even better.

I usually write about my living with a chronic illness, but have come to realize that I have never written about the actual day that my life changed forever.

Funny - it was a Sunday, at about this time of day. I remember it like it was yesterday. October 5, 1986 was going to be the day that I, at the age of 10, was going to take on, what I feel, is an adult responsibility.

It was 3 weeks before my 11th birthday and I had gone to church that morning with my Aunt Kathleen. Mass had just ended and I remember being in the pew waiting for everyone else to leave. I felt this wave come over me. First, it started in my ears. There was a sound, a buzzing noise, similar to that of bacon frying in a pan on high heat. I couldn't hear anything else over that frying noise. I remember thinking that this would pass and to just concentrate on getting out of the church. I don't remember saying anything to my Aunt at this point. I just didn't feel well and wanted out. I then remember walking slowly with the crowd down the aisle as the crowd stopped to greet the Priest and say their Sunday morning hellos to everyone. I do remember seeing a classmate of mine while we were slowly pouring out of the church, and she talked to me, I just nodded and smiled because something just wasn't right. By this time, I was starting to lose my sight. So now, with frying in my ears, a hot wave over me, and my sight going, I just kept focused on the light outside coming from the doors in the back of the church. I just needed to get out and get some air. By this time, I think my Aunt had clued in that something was just not right. The view through my eyes was fuzzy, just like when a station is off the air on television, or when you rub your eyes real hard and let go, for that split second, your eyes are a bit off. Well, my eyes were doing that, and just not letting up.

When I finally reached the outside, I thought I would be able to breathe. My Aunt clearly saw that something was wrong from the pale panicked look on my face. I told her I felt sick, like I was going to bring up. I didn't. But, I do not remember the walk from the top of the church steps to the car. I do remember getting into the car, and then feeling relieved to lay my head back on the seat. But, as I did, with my Aunt looking over me, my eyes began to roll back in my head. I was losing consciousness. I remember my Aunt slapping my face quickly and gently and talking to me to keep me conscious. Thankfully, I stayed with her, looked into her eyes, and managed to stay conscious.

After this, I seemed to come around a bit. We drove back to my Grandmother's house where she was serving a huge Sunday dinner with all the fixings. I laid on the couch with a cold cloth for a bit, then felt better and ate a huge plate of food..

It just so happened that I wasn't with my Mom at church that day because of some prior arrangement my Mom had that day. Looking back now, I am glad I wasn't with my Mom. I would hate to have had her see me like that.

I am assuming at this point that it was my Aunt who called my Mom to let her know what had happened to me. My Mother showed up to my Grandmother's house shortly thereafter. She told me to get ready as we were leaving to go to the hospital. I remember telling Mom that I now felt fine and there was no need to go. Thankfully, my Mom didn't listen to me, and she suggested that it be best that we go just to have me checked out.

We arrived at the hospital. I don't remember much about it except that they took some blood work and then I remember that it was a very long wait I just wanted to leave and go home.

Then the doctor came in, and I don't remember much about that conversation either. All I remember is him telling my Mother and I that my blood sugar was at 25 mmol and that I was Diabetic. At age 10, I didn't really understand that much, and what was involved, but I remember feeling pretty strong as my Mother fell apart. She cried and she cried. I remember having to pull her aside. I told her something to the effect of "Now, Mom, it's okay. I have this Diabetes thing, not you. I will be fine. You need to stop crying." As I look back on that, I feel amazed that at such a young age I could just pull it together like that.

So there you have it. There's the story of how I became a Type 1 Diabetic. I will probably continue with elaborating on a few things here and there, but will do that on another day.

In the meantime, I am approaching 24 years since that day. And, I have done it "complication free". So, life's not so bad. There's so much to be grateful for. What do YOU have to be grateful for?

Happy Sunday!
Cindy

One day closer to healthy! :)

2010-09-10T15:26:00.000-04:00

Today is beautiful. I am sitting here while my boy naps and it is very sunny out. The clouds look like cotton balls against a beautiful blue sky.

I have just finished downloading my insulin pump once again. As silly as it is, when I put the effort into making the adjustments needed to getting my blood sugars to where they should be, I find myself getting excited to see the graphs each time I download. Because, I know I am on my way to being healthier. I may have only started to once again dedicate myself to this four days ago, but already I am seeing results!

I think about the fact that I have come such a long way in the soon-to-be 24 years that I have had Diabetes. Being on the insulin pump was probably the best thing I have ever done for myself. Going from 4 to 6 needles a day to one every 3 to 4 days is wonderful. You still have to put the work into it, although, there are less holes in me now! ;)

My adjustments yesterday seem to have caused my post meal blood sugars to be a little on the higher side today, therefore causing me to have a bit of fatigue. So, I will go for now - I thought that I would get a little more written, but it seems that my body is telling me to rest while the boy is down. Perhaps another day I can explain a little more about the adjustments I am making so I will feel much better. But, like I said, I know this is just a minor setback and I am on my way.

I am determined to get things in order so that we may have our wish.....Hope.

Take care,
Cindy

Another year has passed/ more health stuff.... It's 2010, almost 2011!

2010-09-08T11:38:00.001-04:00

Okay, so I do admit - I am not your typical everyday blogger. I am not great at keeping things up on a regular basis, but I do find it very fascinating at how I wander in here when things are on my mind. I guess you can call this my safe haven to go to when I want to get things off my chest.

I am sitting here watching my son playing, and drinking a cup of green tea. Yes, green tea. My
Day 2 of this latest phase.

I will cut to the chase. My health is doing a doozy once again. And rather than whine about it, I will write about it, because all in all, I do have faith that in the end, everything will work out the way it is supposed to.

I am enjoying being the mother of a 19 month old boy. He is my world - well, I do have my other 'furbabies' as well! Eddie, our Labradoodle, and Grey, our cat. My Husband is still as wonderful as ever. He is working right now as I am home with our boy. I will be working this evening. I am currently working as a personal care attendant and enjoy my job. Life has been keeping us quite busy with all that parenthood has to offer. We always pictured two children in our lives. I know this because, since 2003, we have had their names picked out. James, and Hope. James now exists.....Hope, well, that's another story.....but it's about 'hope'.

Recently, I had to go for my regular blood work that I do quarterly, or more regularly if there are any concerns. I actually had taken my son to get his 18 month needles in July 2010, and I quickly asked the doctor if it would be okay for me to ask him a question about my health. I was already aware that I had Premature Ovarian Failure as per my 2008 diagnosis but just thought I should mention that I hadn't had a menstrual period in 4 months and knew I wasn't pregnant. I just wanted to make sure that there would be no other reason for concern, so off I went with more paperwork out the door. The one piece of paper was a requisition for a pelvic ultrasound, and the other piece was for blood work. He wanted to know how my hormone levels were doing after I explained the fact that I could be now entering perimenopause. As I walked out the door, I knew that these two pieces of paper were not just that. This was going to start a whole new frenzy in my life, and bring feelings and decisions to the table that I was not ready for.

You see, in my mind, I try to forget the fact that James is our miracle baby. I pretend that I got pregnant because I am a strong, fertile, 34 year old woman with just a couple health issues such as Type 1 Diabetes, and Hypothyroidism. But in reality, I have Autoimmune Disease, and slowly, and unknowingly, my body attacks itself. I just don't know what part of my body will be the next victim to be attacked and shut down. So in 2008, after vigorous testing, I was told by a fertility specialist that, Yes, I have Premature Ovarian Failure. My ovaries are shutting down, and apparently, within 3 years, I will be in full blown menopause. That 3 year window would bring us to 2011, which is really now only 6 months away from my diagnosis anniversary....

So, back to the blood work. I had my regular follow up with my General Practitioner and I knew that things weren't going to be good, but didn't prepare myself for the emotions that would follow. I was very strong in my appointment, informing her that I know I have Premature Ovarian Failure, and that I only had an 8 to 10% chance of having James, and that I feel blessed that I did get to have the one baby and I would be okay with that if I could not have any more. She then told me that my hormone levels were very high - my FSH (Follicle Stimulating Hormone) is in the 50's which indicates that of a woman that has been ovariectomized. (In plain terms - ovaries have been removed) I knew that in 2008, I only had 3 follicles left on my right ovary, and my left was "quiet". At my age, I should have 15 follicles on each ovary. Follicles are what hold the eggs until they are ready to be released (also known as ovulation) So, in my case, right now, I don't even know if there are any eggs left. So, no, fertility drugs cannot help me. Drugs such as Clomid, are drugs that drive the ovaries to release an egg. In my case, there are no eggs to release, so really, no point in fertility drugs. I asked my GP what my time frame was if I were considering having another child. She hesitantly said "6 months". I said "Maybe a year?" She agreed with me...again, hesitantly.

The following day, August 19, I then had an appointment with my Endocrinologist. Oddly enough, all this blood work was completed at the right time as I only get to see my Endocrinologist every 3 to 6 months. She is a very busy lady! We had a great talk. As I already knew the results from my tests, I was now struggling with the decision to go ahead and try to have another baby. What I struggle with is the fact that I do know I want a second child. It's just that with a Diabetic pregnancy, there is a lot of work involved and I wasn't ready to do that work until after May of 2011. I also am concerned about financially deciding to go for a second. I asked my doctor for both her personal and professional opinions. Her personal opinion was to go ahead and just try, and let the universe decide what is supposed to be for me. I then asked her for her professional opinion of what my time frame was, as Endocrine medicine is her specialty. Her response was, "6 months ago, Cindy". Wow...so in other words, I may not ever get pregnant again.

Now I am in the processing part of the emotions. I am not sure how to feel. I know I am supposed to be grateful for the one child that I was blessed with. And I am. The other part of me feels like the picture is incomplete. Hope is supposed to exist, and I may have blown that chance. So, since August 19, I have thought about it, talked about it with various people, cried about it, felt disappointed, and confused because I do not know what I want. My body is deciding a time frame for me, and my mind is not ready for it. But, if I wait, I could lose this small window of opportunity.

So with that, there were other tests ordered for me such as my ECG, a stress test, and I had to wear a Holter monitor for 48 hours to get a record of my heart. I had a baseline done in 2007 as they do with most diabetics, and from there, as the years pass, they can do comparisons in any changes that may lead to Heart Disease. I did well in my stress test. In 2007, I lasted 10 minutes, 27 seconds. This time, I lasted 30 seconds longer - 11 minutes, 7 seconds. So, 3 years older, 1 child later, 20 lbs heavier, I am more fit! I guess chasing around a toddler helps! ha ha

Now that I have all that testing done, and the Summer is pretty much over, I have gotten all the drinks by the pool, and in the pool, out of my system. I feel it is time for a change. I have rebelled long enough. The heavy regimented everything that I did when I was pregnant resulted in a healthy baby boy, but afterward, I needed to relax for a bit. I think I suffered a little Diabetes burnout. Well, taking care of a toddler helps you forget about yourself quickly also!

James is 19 months old, and things are beginning to get a bit easier now. So, I have decided to get myself a laptop that has a 32 bit operating system. Why? Well, it's compatible with the USB that downloads my insulin pump. These graphs and data are the key to getting my Diabetes back into control. It's been 2 days now, I have been recording my blood sugars, counting my carbohydrates carefully, and downloading my pump. I have cut out mostly all alcohol, except for 1 scattered beer here and there with a few chips as a treat, but other than that, the next thing to cut out would be the caffeine.

I have found myself wandering around fertility sites, so really, I guess I know what my answer is. I just don't want to get my hopes up too high, only to be disappointed. I have read several things, but the two things that I am trying are zinc, and green tea. Apparently, it increases fertility. I am no doctor. I am just trying to lead a healthier lifestyle. My concerns are that my last Hemoglobin A1C was at 8.2 - that's nowhere near where is should be if I were to get pregnant. And, I also wasn't taking my Folic Acid (prenatal) vitamins until August 20 (our fifth Wedding Anniversary).

During my stress test, I asked my Endocrinologist if I should be concerned about this. She basically told me that ideally, 3 months with Folic Acid, and tightly controlled sugars are what I need for a pregnancy, but with my short window of time due to the Premature Ovarian Failure, my impression from her was that in a roundabout way, she told me to go for it. We will deal with whatever happens, when it happens.

So, that leads me to September 6th - I have consciously made the decision, as scared as I am to try to get my sugars in gear, immediately, and eat more healthy, drink a ton of water, take my zinc pills, my prenatal vitamins, download my insulin pump and make the proper adjustments to get things in line....for whatever is meant to happen. It may never happen, but if I just let this window pass me by, I will look back and wonder, "What if?" And, I know I will have regrets. So, I will try my best to do what I can for my health and know that possibly, just possibly, if there is one egg left in my ovaries, it will be released, and I will get my second child. Hope. Appropriately named, isn't she? Well, I will take whatever I can get, and would be just as thrilled with another baby boy. The only thing is - I used all the namesakes up on my first boy...ha ha. A very minor problem. And, as my Endocrinologist said, during a tense moment for me...."The best way to prepare yourself for pregnancy, is to get pregnant!" She made me laugh.

The pump adjustments are going well - a few highs and lows here and there, but I know I am on my way because I am putting the effort into it. These adjustments make me quite tired due to the fluctuating blood sugars, but in the end, I will be healthier for it.

All in all - I am scared, but I have to just believe and trust that everything will work itself out in the end. Stressing about it won't help. I will stay relaxed and believe that I will get to see my second child in the next year or so. It's going to be a busy and complicated journey, but I am ready. I really am scared.....

Hopefully, this time, I will be able to blog more. It's easier now that I am on the main level of the house watching my beautiful boy while he is playing. Pre-laptop, it was more difficult.

I feel much better, almost exhausted, to have released all of this into my blog. It's like a pressure cooker building. If I do not do something positive with it, I will just get eaten alive by my emotions.

One day at a time.

Cindy

Happy New Year!! Welcome to 2009! An update!

2009-01-01T10:55:00.000-05:00

Wow - time flies and the days are short as I am getting older! Last post - June 19, 2008 and here it is January 1, 2009!!

So much has happened these last 6 months, and I have definitely left you hanging since the last blog.

So - here it is - I guess back in May, after being off work for a little bit, had some time to relax and focus on my health, I was suspecting something else was going on with my body. So, Thursday night, June 5, I went out to the drugstore to buy a pregnancy test - well a two pack actually - one of many I have bought in the past! Well, I decided to wait until the morning of Friday, June 6 to test as I knew I hadn't missed my period yet and thought if this was going to show anything, I would have to test first thing in the morning. Low and behold, I tested, and Cory was on his way to work. Again, the disappointment came when I looked toward the end of the 3rd minute and the window was white - but wait... I did a double take - was it white?? I saw a very very faint pink line - or was it my eyes playing tricks on me?? I called Cory into the bathroom as he was about to leave for work and asked him if he could see anything in the window - he said that he could see a small faint line too - it wasn't my eyes! But he thought nothing of it and went on to work. So at this point, a part of me is thinking, I could be pregnant! But in the shock, confusion and excitement of it all, I also didn't want to get my hopes up too much...so I called the hotline number on the box! I spoke with a lady and asked if it was possible that this was just an evaporation line that I was seeing and she said that with the First Response tests, they do not have an evaporation line - if it is pink - you are pregnant!! Well, I was still in shock, couldn't believe this - so I emailed a couple friends - Karen, a girl I went to Diabetic Camp with, who has a child -and another friend from Ebay - Ashley. Karen thought from the beginning that I was pregnant - and still in denial, I emailed Ashley - and she told me it could be a faulty test. I agreed! So, I thought maybe I would wait until the following day to do the second test...NOT! I waited all of four hours and tested again around 12:30pm - only this test came in as a stronger positive! Still faint pink, but stronger! I wrote Cory on MSN and told him that I really thought we might be pregnant and he was in strong denial - after all - only 2 months previous we had been told that we had an 8 to 10% chance of conceiving, so how could this be?? Cory thought that these tests were faulty, so he said when he got home, we were going out to buy another test - this time, the one with words on it. In the meantime, being that I had only been on the pump a month and my blood sugars were still not in great control, I got on the phone with my pump nurse, Nancy for some reassurance as I was panicking - not that I may be pregnant - but if I am - my sugars, and the baby! Then I called my family doctor - and asked for a pregnancy bloodwork requisition right away, so I had Cory pick that up Friday before Noon.

Friday evening came, Cory arrived home from work - and we both went to Shopper's to look for a digital test, the one that says "PREGNANT" or "NOT PREGNANT". My fear was that if I hadn't had my period yet, and I was pregnant - that this test wouldn't register properly and Cory would definitely see, or think for that matter, that we weren't pregnant. I knew something weird was going on with my body, but I really needed confirmation too before getting too excited.

Saturday morning came, June 7, 2008 and I had no problems waking up as I was eager to do this test. Cory had already been up with the dog - I don't know, maybe he knew this test was happening too, so he couldn't sleep - who knows! I tested, and as the digital hour glass started to blink, I called Cory into the bathroom quickly. We stood quietly staring at this contraption sitting on the sink, wondering if our lives were going to change I guess!

I don't think it was even the full 3 minutes, but I will never forget it - the words "PREGNANT" came up on the screen - I stepped backwards, grabbed my chest and literally gasped out loud. It really hit me now - the panic, the shock, every emotion hit me all at once - I didn't know how to react! Cory still standing looking at the test, started laughing out loud - a laugh of disbelief I suppose, and he turned around, just grabbed me and we hugged each other - a long hug. We were both so shocked - wow - we are going to be parents!!

After that, Cory still insisted that he wouldn't believe it until the blood work came in - I guess he didn't want to get his hopes up either, but we went through scenarios together on how we were going to tell the parents. After all, I was really only 4 weeks along - quite early to be telling anyone. Should we wait until we go home to Newfoundland in the Summer? I would be 12 weeks then and we could tell them face to face. That would be great....well....NO - we can't wait! We just had to spill the beans right away!

We called my parents first - June 7, 2008 - I asked both of them to be on the phone with Cory and myself. I think it took a while for my Mom to catch on. She has been holding on to these baby shoes for a few years, and during my news of infertility, I had asked her to put them away - so she put them up and away in the closet - and some blankets and things that my Aunt Pat had made for my Mom's first grandchild. So, I didn't know how to say it, other than - "I was wondering if we would be able to borrow those shoes you have in the closet" - She didn't clue in....she said, "Cindy, what shoes?" I said, " you know, those sparkly shoes you have put up in the closet?" She paused - and said "Cindy......" and another long pause from both of them - she said "You're not pregnant!?" and we said yes - well, both of my parents were shrieking with excitement! And then we told them it was quite early but we couldn't hold it in...they were so thrilled.

Next we got to call Cory's parents. We got both of them on the phone - I guess they were wondering what was going on. Cory told them they were going to be grandparents yet again. I think they were in shock too - I could hear giggling on the other end of the phone. Definitely a great day in our household, to give such great news to everyone!

After that, we proceeded to tell our siblings in whatever way we could, whether by phone, or email - and everyone was so excited.

So, here I am 33wks 4 days pregnant - it is New Year's Day - and my back is a little sore from all this typing - so I am going to pause for now - not sure when I will make it back, but needed to share this great news! I will try to get back to update on the last 6 months. But I can't believe it - 33 more days and we are going to be parents. We are so excited.

See, there is a plan for me.... :)

Keeping my chin up!

Cindy