The Rules of Infraction

I Resolved To Keep This One Short

2012-01-03T21:20:00.000-05:00

I don’t make New Years resolutions anymore; I long ago accepted the fact that I'm far too lazy and stubborn to change my ways.

But, for those of you still holding on to the hope that this is the year to be all that you can be, here are a few modifications I think can be made to the most common New Years resolutions so that the feeling of being a failure doesn't start to creep up on you come February 1st.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Instead of...

...Resolving to lose weight and get in shape

*Buy bigger clothes and invest in some good Spanx*

Now we can all be skinny! :)

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Instead of...

...Resolving to spend more time with friends and family

*Just turn off your TV*

...Just sometimes ;)

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Instead of...

...Resolving to get out of debt

*Stop buying stupid crap*

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Instead of...

...Resolving to learn a new hobby/language/skill

*Resolve to learn anything; TURN OFF YOUR TV AND READ A BOOK*

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Instead of...

...Resolving to get more organized

*Stop laying your crap everywhere and just put it away already*

((just stack it under the table and move on))

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Instead of...

...Resolving to quit drinking

*Just don't drink three cases every weekend*

not necessary

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Good luck with your resolutions!! If it makes you feel any better, I'll still be here watching 30 Rock and eating carbs if you don't succeed :)

Sayonara 2011!

2011-12-31T00:13:00.000-05:00

Almost there!!!

Now that Christmas is officially a distant memory, I no longer have to keep up the cheery "I’m-so-happy-and-I-just-love-everyone-so-much-I-want-to-sing-Disney-songs" act. With New Year's only days away, I’m free to go back to being the normal, complaining girl that I know and love, sippin' on hatorade while I fight with my laundry.

That said, I feel that there are some things I need to get off my chest before 2011 comes to an end. I spent a good majority of this year idling around taking care of a baby; this resulted in plenty of extra time to consume an excessive amount of unimportant things like celebrity gossip, reality television and bad take out; and, like any other normal, mature adult, I immediately formed irrational and unreasonable opinions about everything and everyone I encountered. Since I'd like to start the New Year off with a clean slate, free of baggage so that I can start hating anew, I thought I would share with you all the short list of some of the things that I greatly disliked in 2011, from entertainment to my everyday encounters. In no particular order:

1. Breaking Dawn: Part 1

Twilight: Sucking the life out of good movies everywhere

2011 may have given us the best fantasy film of the year (Harry Potter duhhhhhhhh) but it also gave us the worst: Breaking Dawn. I'm not going to go into detail about why I think Stephanie Meyers single handedly ruined vampires forever (as any Anne Rice fan can attest to), all i will say is I HATE THE TWILIGHT SERIES!

From it's unoriginal dialogue to its ridiculous vampire/human/werewolf love affair, the Twilight series has irked me right from the start. Unfortunately, the world will have to endure one more installment of these terrible, talentless movies (based on equally terrible and poorly written books) in 2012 before we can bury this travesty for good. Edward Cullen may be hot it’s not enough to make up for the bad acting, the terrible script, and Kristen Stewart's oh-so shining and action packed personality

2. Ashton Kutcher

Need I say more?

Ashton Kutcher has been on my crap list since he stopped being Michael Kelso and started doing terrible romantic comedies a la Just Married, My Boss’s Daughter, and Valentine’s Day.

This year, he decided to take it up a notch by shoving more examples of his bad acting down my throat (New Year's Eve, you will never be He's Just Not That Into You), and by trying to go toe to toe with Charlie Sheen for the Douche Of The Century award. Not only did he attempt to take The Warlock's place on what is now a craptastic television show called Two and Half Men but he also publicly screwed over his pretty, over botoxed wife with some little bleached blonde bimbo who's probably younger than Demi’s implants.

I’m so over him and his whole "look at me, aren’t I just so charmingly bashful with my Nikon camera and my long flowing hair" routine. He needs to stay behind the veil of Robot Chicken where he belongs.

Puke.

3. Labor

Whoever said childbirth is beautiful has obviously never been through it

I can’t even begin to describe how painful it is to have knives simultaneously stabbing you in the lower back while also cutting through your abdomen for hours at a time. Did I mention I had unmedicated back labor? Thankfully for all of us, post-labor amnesia is preventing me from remembering anything else about that night.

My advice to you?

Don't do it.

4. Sleep deprivation

............

While we're on the subject of babies, let's not forget about the single most painful experience of the first year: sleep deprivation. One whole month of never getting more than 2 or 3 hours at a time in random spurts is a tortuous experience I wouldn’t wish upon my worst enemy. Mood swings, freak outs, and the occasional hallucination are but a few of the side effects one experiences when trying to care for a newborn. Couple that with an inconsolable child who sometimes cries for hours at a time…the memory still haunts me.

5. Educational Television

TLC: Making Sarah Palin and abusive mothers look normal every day

This year, ~~The Learning Channel~~ TLC continued to dazzle me with valuable knowledge about tacky Gypsy weddings, finding the perfect $7,000 wedding dress and, perhaps most importantly, teaching me how to properly primp my young daughter for pedophile conventions in Toddlers and Tiaras.

Historical Expert

Not one to be out shined, the History Channel also decided to be a wealth of information; over the past 12 months, I not only learned about the history of aliens in Ancient Egypt, but also about which fabled monsters aren't real (or are they?), and how Ice Road Truckers are "making history" everyday.

But perhaps the highlight of The History Channels' year in education was their never ending take on the future.I now consider myself an absolute authority on the many ways that the world will end when we enter an abrupt apocalypse next year, from the Earth changing its axis to a giant killer asteroid which is surely already on its way to destroy us; hey, as one fuzzy haired man with glasses who was clearly and expert said: "It's not if it will happen but when."

6. Fine dining Restaurants

Ummmm, can I just have a grilled cheese?

With little time or energy to cook for a majority of this year, I spent a lot of dinners ordering in or eating out. While most all of the food around here is great, a major pet peeve of mine soon became the overrated, overpriced fancy schmansy "fine dining" restaurants that charge $10 for a panini and a side leaf of spinach because the sandwich is topped with aioli (it's mayonnaise people!)

There’s nothing worse than going out for a nice lunch only to look at the ridiculous menu and not be able to pronounce any of the meals or even identify any of the ingredients. And worse--when I finally do take the plunge and order something that actually reads like it might be edible it inevitably comes out over saturated and soggy with herbs, spices, and sauces in what is obviously an overcompensating cooks attempt at showing off his "skills".

7. Forever lazy

The idea of tailgating a football game in a onesie with a butt flat continues to blow my mind.

8. Ringer

And I thought she couldn't get any lower than The Grudge

Shame on you Buffy for slapping all of your fans in the face with this god-awful, horribly boring “soapy thriller” about a drug addict who takes over the life of her rich twin sister after said sister (supposedly) commits suicide. This snore of a television show not only has a ridiculous premise but, I’m sorry Ms. Gellar, you’re going to have to do a lot more than put your hair in a bun to convince me that you are a completely different character.

9. Snooki...for the third year in a row

How much longer do we have to endure this???

Watching a little ball of cellulite run around Italy in Lycra costumes and stripper heels would be tolerable (and possibly even funny) if it hadn’t insisted on talking, screaming, and crying the entire time.

I suppose that this wannabe Italian is merely milking the image of uneducated party girl “guidette” in order to get that nice fat paycheck MTV signs over to her. However, let’s just hope for her sake that our little 4’2 Weeble Wobble doesn’t continue to drink those checks away in the next few years; eventually, when America tires of her the same way we tired of the Flavor Flav and Rock of Love girls, she might have to come to terms with the fact that she’s a talentless mess who will stand a better chance of getting a day shift job at an Atlantic City strip joint than breaking back into Hollywood.

I'd probably have a little more sympathy for her if it wasn't for the fact that she knowingly glamorizes a disgusting life to impressionable little girls, and actually seems to enjoy doing so. Here's to hoping she spends 2012 in detox!

. . .

*Yes yes, I know that the best day of my life occurred earlier this year when my little Peapod was born, so it wasn't all bad; but try not to take the fun out of this for me, k? It's all I've got!!!!!!

Happy New Year!!!!!

A Brief History Lesson: The Christmas Edition

2011-12-21T03:48:00.001-05:00

Drunken debauchery + The birth of our Lord = Santa Clause?

First, let me start off by saying that I’m not downing Christmas; I love Christmas. I love the lights, I love the good vibes, I love the presents, (I love the egg nog), I love being with family and, most importantly, I love celebrating Jesus because I think He is the best everrrrr.

But

I happened across a Facebook post the other day…yes, Facebook…and the subject of Christmas’s pagan origins were brought up. I had previously learned briefly about how the Romans inserted the birth of Christ into the pagan festivals but I had never been clear on the details. So, in typical fashion, I decided to research every bit of information I could find about the topic until I was completely exhausted and my brain felt like it was going to melt out of my ears.

Here’s the short version:

In the year 350 AD, Pope Julius III of Rome is credited with having declared December 25^th the official birthday of Christ, though no reference to His birthday is mentioned in the New Testament and, furthermore, many biblical and secular historians alike agree that December was absolutely not the time of His birth (I have read several who say that it was fall and a few who say that it was spring; either way, not December).

Why then, would this Pope suddenly declare Christ’s birthday to be at the end of December? To try and merge Christianity with the pagan celebrations of the Winter Solstice, of course (the Winter Solstice is recognized as the shortest day in the year when the northern axis of the Earth is furthest away from the sun; December for the northern hemisphere, summer for the southern). The date has several historical significances in regards to pagan rituals, beliefs, and practices:

December 25^th

the last day of the festival of Saturnalia
the birthday of Mithra's*, the Iranian "Sun of Righteousness"
Natalis Solis Invicti (the Roman "birth of the unconquered sun")
Day designated by Julius Caesar as the official date of the Winter Solstice (though now it falls between the 21^st and the 23^rd)

*also called Mitra, Mithraism was a mystery religion which many say is the foundation for freemasonry; the story of Mithra bears resemblance to the story of Christ

Christ’s birthday had not previously been observed by any early Christian; in fact, the celebration of birthdays was considered a pagan custom in those times and not practiced by Christians; thus, celebrating His birthday at all would have been insulting and blasphemous. However, Roman politicians knew that if they did not allow the citizens to keep their holidays than the transition from paganism to Christianity would be difficult; they felt the most painless way to help accomplish this goal would be to announce that the pagan holiday was now a Christian one.

Unfortunately, nothing about these celebrations could even pretend to resemble Christianity.

Saturnalia

Ancient depiction of Saturnalia

The Roman Solstice celebration in honor of Saturn, the god of agriculture, Saturnalia was a lawless, raucous festival at the end of December in which normal Roman law was not adhered to or enforced.
The festival began with sacrifices in the Temple of Saturn which turned into a week long festival of debauchery and drinking
Researchers believe that “The Lord of Misrule”, a member of the community chosen to preside over the unruly festivities, was brutally sacrificed at the end of the celebration
Jews in Rome were commonly abused during this festival
Greek poet and historian Lucian described a festival filled with human sacrifice, drunkenness, promiscuity and rape

Thankfully, much of the Roman traditions didn’t make it…

But here are the ones that did, and not just from Rome:

Ginger bread Men cookies

Lucian wrote of Romans eating human shaped cookies throughout the festival of Saturnalia (is seems cute now but given the nature of their celebrations…yuck).

Mistletoe

“Fertility rituals” commonly took place under the mistletoe during the Saturnalia…

Lights, fires

All symbolic of the sun and the sun deities, all lit to honor said deities

Christmas carolers

The Mummers, groups of singing and dancing men in costume, would travel from house to house to entertain people during the festival of Saturnalia

Gift giving

Gift giving was a common practice during Saturnalia; contrary to popular belief, it is not symbolic of the wise men offering gifts to Christ (if it were, we would be offering gifts to Christ during Christmas, not to each other)

Yule log

The celebration of Yule was name the Celts gave to their celebrations
Yule logs were burned to symbolize the welcoming back of the sun

Christmas tree

Imitating the light of the sun

The tree was a common factor in all European winter solstices, as trees were commonly worshiped by many nations including the Egyptians (palms), Druids (oaks), and the Romans (firs)
It was a long standing tradition for European pagans to bring evergreen trees into their home and decorate them with gold balls, symbolizing the sun, as a reminder that spring would come again

A positive message for our children

**I chose not to include Santa on this list of because that in itself is lengthy topic; it spans from the Biblical Nimrod, to a medieval cult of Italian sailors, and finally to the Coca-Cola Corporation and some guy named Lou Prentice. You can find some of this info here or here.

**Interesting note: Christmas was banned by the strict Puritans because of its pagan background; it continues to be a source of debate amongst certain denominations and groups of Christians

What’s the moral of this story? I’m not sure. I just wanted to share the facts.

I’m probably going to get some backlash over this, but oh well. If anyone has something to add that I may have missed or gotten wrong (I'll admit, it was a lot of information to sort through), or wants to yell at me over this post, feel free to let me know in the comments section :)

DIY Baby Food

2011-12-16T15:33:00.000-05:00

Which banana would YOU rather eat?

Since I realize that I shouldn’t waste all of my excess time on gossip websites or MTV reruns, I sometimes try to use that extra time to be a good, productive mommy.

As some of you may know, I don’t eat meat and am a huge proponent for fresh, organic or locally grown fruits and vegetables. I’m going to spare you my rant about organics, raw foods, and the poisons that we unknowingly ingest every single day in frozen food and processed meats—I promise that I will go on and on about that another time.

What I am going to talk about is something which stems from this belief system: how to make your own baby food, something that I’ve done with my daughter since she was 4 months old. Friends and family frequently ask me about this so I thought it might be a useful post.

Warning: To any non parental reader, you might want to avert your eyes from this point on because the rest of this post is about to get pretty mommish and boring; If you choose to continue reading, do so at your own risk.

I’m a complete freak show about making virtually everything homemade (even peanut butter!) so to me making my own baby food was a no brainer. It never even occurred to me to purchase jarred food, because I rarely eat anything canned, jarred or frozen myself. However, most normal people don’t act in such an extreme and ridiculous manner and, for many, the idea of making baby food can seem difficult and complicated.

Not only is it not difficult at all, but the benefits of making the food yourself far outweigh any doubts that you may have:

1.You can feel like you are actually doing something good and productive

One of the problems that I face on a regular basis is that gnawing feeling that I don’t do enough for my kid. I feel like I don’t play with her enough, that I don’t take her for enough walks, that I’m not teaching her enough, etc., etc., etc. One thing that cooking for the baby from such a young age has done is make me feel like it’s possible that I’m getting something right. It feels good to do good things for your kids so why not start with the area where it matters most—their health.

Pizza is NOT a vegetable, Congress

2.You are lessening the chances of of your life being dependent on chicken fingers

When you make your own food you are given the opportunity to shove a bunch of fresh, super healthy foods into your kids face before they are old enough to realize that good food is bad and bad food is good. If you continue with it as they grow, they will naturally develop a taste for fruits and vegetables because they are already so conditioned to eating them. My daughter genuinely enjoys avocados, spinach and green beans and literally starts gagging and pretending to choke if I try to give her a bite of macaroni and cheese (unfortunately, I’m not even slightly exaggerating when I say this).

3. You know exactly what your kid is eating

Yes, I know that there are pesticides on all vegetables and that it’s impossible to make sure my kid is 100% healthy. But at least I don’t have to panic every single time I see a Facebook post that Gerber bananas are being recalled because they found glass in the jars.

4. You save a crap ton of money

I’m not quite sure how much the average person spends on baby food since I’ve never actually purchased it; what I do know is that my daughter goes through about 4oz of food 3 times a day, plus snacks and bottles. If I was buying her jarred food on top of her snacks and formula, let’s say around $1 a jar for the stage she is at, and she eats 2-3 a day for 30 days...well, you do the math. As it is I spend a whopping $30 a month on her food, possibly less if you consider that I generally don’t even go through the full supply of food for about 6 weeks.

5. Most importantly—all of those fruits and veggies that you buy, which never get eaten and end up rotting in the crisper, will now have a purpose!

The only downside that I can find to making your own food is that it can be a bit time consuming. Yes, you will have to cook and yes, you do have to defrost or mush the food for however many meals a day your child is up to. And when you average four hours of sleep a night, have a household to run, a job to go to and other kids to look out for it may seem impossible to try and fit something like this in, especially when the jars are so convenient.

But, the upside is that there’s no rule that you have to do it every single meal every single day. Try it out here and there and see how it works for you; maybe you will become a full time freak show like me or maybe you will find that it’s not something that you have the time or patience for. Either way, it doesn’t hurt to give it a shot.

You will need

Fruits/Vegetables
Sandwich bags
A food processor or blender
A vegetable steamer (optional but ideal)
A colander
Ice trays (optional)

**You do not need a Baby Bullet, Magic Bullet, or any other fancy expensive system to make and freeze the food. As long as you have a way to cook it, thin it out and freeze it than you have everything you will need.

The basic method for most fruits and vegetables

Gather you supplies

Peel, chop or dice; then rinse

Steam for 10-15 minutes

Rinse to cool off

Process or blend- add water as needed to thin out the consistency depending on the age and abilities of your baby

Before After

Bag about 2 ounces worth of food per bag

*With more watered down food you can pour the mixture into ice trays, cover, and freeze for a few hours first--1 cube is equal to about 1 ounce, so bag according to whatever portions you like

Freeze

It’s pretty simple.

Notes

I prefer to steam most of my food but boiling and baking works just as well.
Many soft fruits (bananas, avocados, mango, etc) can just be thrown right in the blender and diluted as necessary
Foods can be mixed with rice cereal, yogurts, cheeses, eggs and other mixtures (depending on your child’s age)
You aren’t limited to fruits or vegetables—I cook rice, pasta, oatmeal, cream of wheat and lots of other grains to go with her food
Food can stay good frozen for up to 3 months, though I try to use it all up within 6 weeks
Always wait 3-5 days before introducing a new food so that you can watch for any allergies

For more information about cooking and storing particular foods, as well as age recommendations and healthy recipes, visit Wholesome Baby Food.

Share your questions, comments, tips, or suggestions below!

The Cutest Christmas Card Of All

2011-12-14T01:02:00.002-05:00

Unicorns and Rainbows!!

I find that the most aggressive Christmas assaults seem to occur the closer that we get to the holiday (which, I’m not sure if anyone knows this, is supposed to be about celebrating the birth of Christ, not spending your life’s savings); the guy standing outside of Walmart ringing that little bell now follows me directly from my car to the front entrance of the store and my television is INSISTING that the happiness of my holidays is absolutely dependent of the purchase on every single item that is advertised.

But, perhaps the most telling sign of the impending festivities is the sudden barrage of Christmas cards that I’ve been receiving in the mail, the family photo Christmas cards to be more precise.

Every year as Christmas approaches, I begin to build a collection of cute, glossy Christmas photos on my refrigerator from various friends and family members, all of them featuring cute kids and a cute holiday message from the family who sent it. While I never had the opportunity to send one of those out myself, I vowed last year while I was pregnant that come Christmas 2011 I would out-cute them all.

Fast forward to 2011, and not only have I yet to go pick up my daughters 1 month photos from the photographer, but her birth announcements are still sitting in the back of my closet. And, to top it off, all of the cute cards that I swore I’d outdo? Somehow they seemed to have gotten even cuter this year. So now, every time I walk into my kitchen, they stare at me, mocking me with their cuteness, reminding me that when it comes to family photos I'm a bad mother and that my child will never have these kind of cute memories to look back on.

I’m not sure if it’s just laziness or perhaps maybe the Jewish miser in me that keeps me from doing these typical mother things (probably a combination of both), but after pondering it for a while I realized that it’s really kind of selfish of me. So, since I know that I probably won’t ever get around to actually mailing any out, I’ve decided to specially make a card for all of my family and friends out there and post it up, this way everyone knows that I haven’t forgotten them and that I really want to wish everyone a Merry Christmas.

From my family to yours…Merry Christmas :)