The Sand Chronicles

I want to go home.

2010-07-04T21:17:00.001-04:00

Today, the Middle Child informed Dan that I am not her mother and she doesn't have to listen to me. She comes here to "get a break" from being "bossed." Funny, I am her "mother" when I buy her clothes, shoes, bathing suits, food, and random crap at the Dollar Store. I am her "mother" when I take her to camp every morning and pick her up every afternoon, thereby interrupting my day and breaking my "work head." I am her mother when I try to teach her something or show her something, or take her someplace fun. But I am not her "mother" when I tell her not to "lip" me and to pick her fucking shit up off the fucking floor (not in those words, but close, sometimes).

I did not want kids. I do not like kids. I like nothing about the "cult of the child" we have going on here in this country. I know it's hard when they are your own - when they are not, and you were raised VERY differently, it's impossible.

I have tried, but now I am done. I will do what I have to do to get through the next four weeks, weeks I LIVE for only to be ruined year after year in a place that I fucking hate. When Dan is not available I will drive her and pick her up, but I am done buying, done making lunches, done trying to have a conversation, done trying to "parent" and instill some sense of responsibility - it's useless, and I'm done. It's been two and a half years and I HATE dealing with this shit.

Dan's upset because I told him to take her to the fireworks - and that I was staying home because I do NOT feel like I am part of this family. He said, "Don't be that way." Well, maybe it's 30 years too late, but guess what - tonight I am going to be the miserable brat. I don't feel like sitting there listening to stupid chatter and pretending to care. I don't feel like snuggling up to my husband and being told - again - to "get a room." I don't feel like being around a 12 year old who thinks she's 20 and acts seven.

I want to go home to Bristol. I want to have friends again. I want to not have children. And sadly, even though I love Dan with all my heart, I know that this isn't going to work out. I'm not cut out for this.

Hawks (almost) Ate My Dingo!

2009-11-30T19:03:00.003-05:00

Apparently, the Red-Tail Hawk population is hungry, here in Dennis, Massachusetts. A few weeks ago, a hawk tried to snatch a Tea-cup Terrier out of someone's arms during a backyard party, and Sunday, it was Simon's turn.

It was a beautiful day, so we decided to take the twins and the dog to Drummer Boy Park to play on the new playground equipment and work on Simon's social skills. There's a huge open space at the park, and people come from all over to run their dogs (and their kids).

We'd been there about an hour when I decided to tie Simon to the play structure. I took out my book and sat next to where he was tethered while he wandered around on his lead. Zoey was getting her new jeans filthy in the sand pit while Dan pushed Riley on the swings - it was all very Norman Rockwell, until I looked up.

"Hey, guys, look at the hawks!" I shouted. There were two of them soaring around in the distance. Suddenly, there were two more. "Dan! Look! Two more!" Dan and I love to watch birds, and he came over and stood next to me. We watched them circle and soar. Then one of them began to call, and another called back. "That's so cool!" Dan said, as he'd never heard them call before.

We stood there for a few minutes and it because slowly apparent that they were moving in our direction. "Huh, they seem to be getting closer," I said, and I glanced back at Simon, who was rooting in the dirt under the slide. Then, they were not only closer, they were noticeably LOWER. I moved towards Simon, wondering if the bad feeling I had in my stomach was just silly. Simon is a small dog, but at 10 pounds, he's hardly a Yorkie. One of the birds called again.

Dan and I glanced at each other, and I honestly can't remember if I said anything to him, or if he just picked up on the look on my face. "Um, huh, they're, um, close...." About a second later, one of the hawks tucked its wings and pointed its head towards the ground.

At this point, I was quite certain that these hawks were thinking that Simon was lunch, and I am not kidding when I say that I moved over to shield Simon and mentally prepared myself to become Tippi Hedren.

The bird started a shallow dive and then pulled up - and that was all I needed to see. Dan watched in amazement as the birds got closer still, and I tried not to freak out. "Hon, I'm taking Simon!" I unhooked him as fast as I could, scooped him up, and hustled him to the car. Simon, not a fan of being carried, stayed absolutely still as wrapped my arms around him and bent my back over him.

"Holy shit! They followed you towards the car!" Dan said as I walked back to the playground. "They took off as soon as you got the dog in the car." I looked up, and there was no sign of them at all. Another couple witnessed the whole thing, and they shook their heads in disbelief. "I think they were going to attack your dog. Wow."

This whole scene took less than 5 minutes, and I don't think the kids - or the dog - had any idea what was going on. I'll tell you what - it was one of the most surreal, frightening (and in the intellectual sense, cool), things I have ever encountered.

Holy crap.

Happy Thanksgiving

2009-11-26T16:16:00.002-05:00

Just Dan and I again this holiday, which is really just fine with me. Mom went to Matthew's (God bless her), and since Dan just left for work, we weren't really going to be able to go "off Cape" and get back here in time.

We did turkey this year, and I have to say, it was tremendous. Too full to eat my pie just yet.

For all the whining and complaining I do, I am actually thankful for a few things. I'm thankful for Dan, who is just the easiest, most loving man alive, and my mom, and my cats. This year I get to be thankful for Simon (aka Glitter Dog). I'm thankful for the ocean outside my door, and I'm thankful to have even my uninteresting job in this horrid economy.

And I'm thankful to you, my internet friends.

mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm, pie.

I blew it!

2009-11-07T15:20:00.002-05:00

Oh well, that didn't take long! I was exhausted and distracted last night, so I completely forgot to post. Good thing I am not being graded.

Because I am finding it really difficult to blog, I decided to take a look at my old blog - and the two Novembers I did manage to complete NaBloPoMo, to see what was so different those two years as opposed to last November when I blew it on day 9, and this year. And guess what? My LIFE is entirely different! Different job, different residence, different man - and you'd think that that would lead to more - and maybe even better - blogging, but you'd be wrong.

We all know how I feel about my job - or, more specifically, the lack of intellectual interest I have in my job. We all know how I feel about The Cape - or, more specifically, the lack of intellectual stimulation and female friendship I've found on The Cape. I know why I am tired, and I know why I am depressed, and I know why I don't blog anymore - but I never figured that Dan would also figure in this equation.

A lot of my posts were about Geoff. Geoff and I cached together, nearly daily, and that activity was a source of great happiness for me - and I think it's the thing that held he and I together for so long. Geoff was also maddening - he made me so angry and frustrated so much of the time, that I had plenty to "talk" about.

Dan is the exact opposite of Geoff, and that is a great thing, most of the time. I am so thankful that he is nice and kind and gentle, and that he NEVER makes me feel bad about myself, and that he is just a big mushy love ball. It's nice to be with someone who doesn't have to challenge me on every single fucking thing - but when nothing else in my life is a challenge, sometimes I wish he weren't so blase about everything.

Oh crap, is the bloom off the rose already!? Is it simply IMPOSSIBLE for me to just be fucking happy already!?

Dan makes me happy the vast majority of the time. But I think my life would be happier if we didn't have to depend on each other for 100% of our social stimulation. Neither one of us have met anyone that you could term a "friend." People here are not friendly, and they are certainly not looking to expand their social circles. I have tried. I talk to everyone I meet, hoping that there will be some sort of connection. It would be easier if there were any people here under 70....

I guess I'm lonely, which I am sure sounds awful since I do have a great husband. But I miss my BFF so much that it makes me cry (like right now). OMG! I'm crying! I have felt like bawling my eyes out for weeks, and I had no idea why! This is it! I miss Kris!

Well, I guess blogging's good for something....
(Apparently, I also miss therapy!)

Aren't you glad you tuned in for THAT?

TaDa!

2009-11-05T22:14:00.002-05:00

Too tired to write much of anything after spending all day on various and sundry computers, but I am proud to say that I formatted my desktop machine, reloaded windows and drivers, hunted down drivers I didn't have (such as the PCI ethernet card that replaced my onboard network that was fried in a thunderstorm), added gig of Ram, and now the thing runs like new! Damn good thing, cuz we're broke!

I suppose this is normal....

2009-11-04T23:16:00.002-05:00

Sometimes I think marriage is boring. Why was it so much more exciting before? And where the fuck did all the sex go? Really? Yet another one who can't keep up with me? Sigh.

I got nothing

2009-11-03T23:08:00.002-05:00

So THIS is why I haven't blogged in months - nothing even remotely interesting going on in my life.

OK, Simon, my new dog, is a riot, and so cute I can barely stand it.

And, Doris, the house ghost, has been very active - she's stolen a roll of sports tape and my new mini-mouse (for my work laptop) this week alone. Items that I KNOW are in the house, but that we cannot find no matter how hard we look. Right this very minute she is turning my printer off and on. Seriously, the printer is going ballistic, and there is no reason for it - the connections are stable, and it's hooked up to the same power source as the computer, which is running just fine. This is my own fault - just a few days ago, Dan mentioned that she had been "quiet," so I said, out loud, "Doris! Are you still here? We haven't heard from you," and now my stuff is going missing and Simon barks and growls at the sun porch constantly, which is where Doris lives.

Huh.

Work

2009-11-02T22:25:00.002-05:00

Apparently, there aren't enough hours in the day for me to get things accomplished at work. I don't think I have ever had a job that is so completely insane.

On a regular day, if I don't have meetings that keep me out of the office, I get interrupted no fewer than 50 times. Patrons. Employees. Crazy people. Fires (literal and figurative). Arguments. Complaints. Praise. Conversation. Sales. Questions (that could have been answered with just a little bit of thought and/or common sense). It's absolutely never-ending. And maddening.

I miss being a librarian - being a library director bears no resemblance to being a librarian whatsoever. But now that I make enough money to almost pay the bills and I have a family to support, going back to the low-paying world of reference doesn't seem possible. But God, do I miss it.

It's time for NaBloPoMo - Again!

2009-11-01T18:20:00.005-05:00

I hold no illusions that I will be successful with NaBloPoMo this year, given that I haven't blogged in months, but what the Hell.

I haven't been as absent from the online world as you might think - in fact, I have been pretty much glued to Facebook and the ease of regular, mindless, irrelevant status updates. My life has devolved into work and sitting home staring at the TV or the computer, so I haven't had much to say. I have no social life at all here, and no matter how hard I try, I just can't get into doing things alone. I love my husband - and really, he's the sweetest man alive - but he has little interest in doing any of the things I like. He'll go on a cache if I ask, and he usually has a good time, but it's not anything he'd do on his own, and that makes a big difference when it comes to hiking. I go alone on occasion, but after caching for years with a partner, it's really just not as much fun alone.

And naturally, because The Universe (tm) hates me, I sprained my ankle - AGAIN - three weeks ago while caching - right after I joined a coed pick-up volleyball group. I have missed volleyball, and I was hoping that it would help with both the exercise and social deficits in my life, so of course I fuck up my ankle to the point that I am still in a good deal of pain daily. This is at least the 20th sprain/break I have had, and I'm simply tired, frustrated, and pissed. Boy, I'll bet that's a surprise.

On the happy end of the spectrum (yes, every once in a while there is a happy end), Halloween was great. I made/cobbled together the kids costumes, and they LOVED them! And they looked freaking adorable. We went trick-or-treating in a neighborhood on the other side of town, and it was warm and windy and foggy with a bright moon - perfect. Mom dressed in her witch outfit, and that's always a hit. She also dressed as Big Edie from Grey Gardens the day before for work - but that was a little esoteric for most people (but it was a riot if you got the joke).

And even happier - we got a dog! I have been wanting a dog for a while now, and had just been waiting for the right time and the right dog. Simon is a sweet sweet baby - a Portuguese Podengo and (probably) weiner-dog mix, under a year old. Right now he's a bit too "friendly" - we almost named him Quagmire - but that will be rectified next week when we bid the nuggets a fond farewell. He's an absolute love muffin.

The Elephant in the Room - Race Relations in America

2009-07-26T18:23:00.002-04:00

I have been watching the situation involving the black Harvard professor and his run-in with the law with fascination. Books have been written on this type of thing, so my inconsequential blog post to 6 readers is just that - inconsequential - but for the sake of posterity, I'll jot down my reactions.

If you boil it down to it's simplest form, it's pretty straightforward - both men overreacted. Gates should have known better than to antagonize a cop, and Crowley did not need to arrest this man for yelling - or being an ass - in his own home.

But we all know that nothing is ever that simple - especially for two men with unhealthy egos based in diametrically-opposed realities, namely physical power and authority, and superior intelligence and intellect. This was a classic nerd vs. jock scenario, the kind of scenario that has been played out in countless teen movies and adult-male cinema, but the added dimension of race brought it to national attention. Add an off-the-cuff remark by the nation's first African-American President, and BOOM.

But, as much as I would like to maintain a position of "we've come a long way," and "this was nothing more than two blowhards butting heads," um, I can't. I really and truly believe that if Gates was a small, bespectacled, cane-wielding white man - and professor at that - it would never have escalated as far as it did.

But that's just me - and here's the important part - that's just ME. And I don't know that there will ever be any true "color blindness" - or racial quality for that matter - because everyone, in situations like this, bases their opinions on their personal experiences.

Who I am is a woman with an advanced degree, a high IQ, and a professional job. I am also a woman of black and white parentage who has been taken as white, black, Cape Verdean, Hawiian, and everything in between. I am a woman who was raised on welfare in the 70s by people with intelligence, culture, and New England Yankee and Hippie sensibilities. As such, I have encountered white racism, black racism, "reverse racism" (when the folks at library school found out I was a minroty, I was pretty much offered my education on a silver platter - and when my boards came back in the 92nd percentile, that platter turned platinum), classism, sexism, sexual harrassment, and sexual assault.

I was beaten senseless as a child by black kids who didn't like the fact that I was (the only black child) in the gifted class. I was bullied as a child by white kids who didn't like that I was an "Oreo." I have been called a "race traitor" by black teens who didn't like my choice of white boyfriends. I have been hidden by those same white boyfriends for fear their parents would disapprove. The one white boyfriend who did take me home had his parents write him a letter saying that he needed to break up with me because I was "diluting" the bloodline (you cannot make this shit up).

As an adult, I have had people say to me (many, many times) "I didn't think you were black - you're so well-spoken/smart/white-acting." I have had the person at the unemployment office suggest a GED course, without first bothering to ask if I had a diploma - never mind a college education. I have been stopped numerous times, late at night, for "driving while black" (this is when you are pulled over, asked for ID and such, have your plates run, and then sent on your way with the admonition, "slow down" because they did not have any LEGAL reason to stop you in the first place - hence, no ticket). I have had people in cars lock their doors as I've passed on the sidewalk (seriously? I'm 5 feet tall).

Most recently, after leaving the weird comfort of my college town (where everyone is white - but also where everyone knew me) for the Cape, I've had to deal with "bitch-ass nigger" scrawled on my library windows, and the even more upsetting (to me, anyway) reaction from the Chief of Police: "Did you do something to piss someone off?" (yeah, I took a job here). I've had to deal with an enormous amount of animosity based not only of the color of my skin, but also the "poverty" of my background. I have been dragged into my (former) boss' office and berated for "not looking like a librarian" - no suit, no bun, no glasses on a chain, but rather a nose stud and a wardrobe straight out of Old Navy (which, by the way, I had both at my job interview).

As a woman, I have been fondled by male bosses and forced into unwanted sexual contact on a date. And, for good measure, I'll throw in this - as a fat woman, I have been told that I should be thankful for any date I can get.

So, even though I think I have taken most of this in stride, and I MAKE IT A POINT to not jump to racist conclusions everytime someone dislikes me, each and every one of these events has colored the way I see certain events. And I see this event as an almost unavoidable (given their backgrounds and professions) conflict between a black professor who has spent his life not only experiencing racism, but also cataloging it, being confronted in his home by someone he sees as the ultimate enemy - a white cop - and a white police officer in Boston being spoken back to by his ultimate enemy - a belligerant (and uppity at that) Black Man. Gas and match.

I like debate - debate is good. But how serious a debate can we have when there are still people out there who think racism (in whatever form) no longer exists in America? What do I say to my white, Republican friends (yes, I have some of those!) who say, "the President should stick to national issues, and not get involved in local events"? This IS a national issue! Shit like this happens every day - to minority people, gay people, women, poor people, fat people, and even, on occasion, the ubiquitous Wealthy, White, American Male.

I firmly believe that stereotypes aren't created in a vacuum. But at some point we ALL need to acknowledge our personal prejudices, think before we speak and act, and err on the side on decency and respect, especially when dealing with someone we may not like the look of.

Will I ever blog again?

2009-06-15T18:38:00.003-04:00

I've been spending most of my time working, and by the time I get home, the last thing I feel like doing is blogging. My work days are typically 10 hours long now, and while the time flies by because I have so much to do, I can't say that I am enjoying myself. I miss the days of part-time work and full-time caching, and now I have just devolved into a gigantically fat and out-of-shape workaholic. The weather has SUCKED OUT LOUD for MONTHS here, and as a result, Dan and I are just plain fat. I used to be fat but not too out of shape, and now I should lie down and die. Except that I don't have enough energy to get up in the first place. Naturally this has lead to depression which leads to ice cream which leads to fat which leads to depression and do you see where I am going with this? The fact that it has rained in some capacity 23 out of the past 26 days has not helped. June is half over, and summer is nowhere in sight. And since I live for summer, I am near suicidal.

One of these days, I'll post something happy! Today is not that day. I hate the freaking Cape of Cod. And I really thought I was going to love it. But I don't. And I'm trapped. And Dan loves it. And his job. And I don't. And if our marriage doesn't work out, it will be because I had to move to Hawaii once and for all, and he won't come with me. (Not to worry, Dan and I are fine, he's great, but with every passing year it becomes SO APPARENT that 90% of my unhappiness is weather-related - I LIVE for heat, so I am in the WRONG place - but Dan won't move away because of family, so I'm fucked, as usual.)

Anyway, sorry that I am crabby. I swear I'm not always crabby - but when I am happy, I am usually doing something that keeps me away from the computer!

Happy Shave your Legs Day

2009-04-26T21:58:00.002-04:00

Today was the first day in, well, forever, that it was warm enough for shorts. I also had friends visiting for the day (yay!) and a full day of caching and nature watching planned, so I decided it was "time" to shave the winter coat.

As a feminist hippie, I'm just fine with not shaving. But as someone who is too sensitive for their own good (on many fronts), I've learned that the obnoxious comments about my hairy pits is just more than I want to deal with. So, as a nifty compromise, I don't bother with shaving from September until spring. It's my personal "win-win," because I am just that easy to please.

Now none of this matters at all in the grand scheme of life, so I continue to be amazed by people's reactions to the way other people, and women people in particular, choose to conduct their personal grooming. One year I tried to go the summer without shaving, but the looks and the comments I received were just unbelievable, and ranged from staring to the occasional sneered "Must be a dyke." Seriously? Are we still stuck there?

The other male-female dynamic that I find interesting is that people (friends) always want to know how my partner feels about the hairy (pits in particular). It's like "Well, YOU may be ok with not shaving, but what does your man have to say about it?" as though my feelings on the matter aren't enough to justify my decisions. This always makes me chuckle, because I can say with 100% certainty that if I were involved with someone who flat-out could not handle some hair, he could flat-out take a hike. I can also say that while I have been involved with more than one macho type, NONE of them have ever bailed over the hair (which just goes to show that guys will say what they think their idiot friends want to hear, but they tend to be smart enough to know which side their bread is buttered on).

Naturally, my hippie husband couldn't care less about the state of my body hair - though he is plugged in enough to notice. When I was changing my shirt this evening he said, "Hey, what did you do with my wife?"

Happy spring to one and all!

Is it Spring, yet?

2009-04-22T20:32:00.002-04:00

I think we have finally turned the corner - though it's been wet wet wet, it's at least getting warmer here. The peepers are out, it stays light past 7, and I feel a little less like killing myself.

Dan landed a pretty good job and started back to work this week, so he's been a lot more relaxed - and for that I am thankful. Dan, unlike me, is just a mellow, happy guy, and seeing him stressed made me sad for him. But even unhappy, Dan is simply the most wonderful guy. No matter what else is going on, our relationship is great. Thank god.

I haven't been blogging much - no shit - and I don't know if it's because I don't have the time I used to, or if it's because I feel like my readers must think I am just a giant ball of misery. It's funny - in spite of my struggles (whatever they are at the moment), I have always considered myself fairly happy. What!? Happy? Surely I must be kidding. But it's true. I laugh a lot, and for most of my life I have been known as "the life of the party" even though I have never "partied" in traditional terms. I'm kind, generous, and, believe it or not, optimistic. And maybe that's my problem - I am so optimistic, and by extension, naive, that every time something shitty happens, I always feel blindsided or disappointed. Does that make sense?

I think that's why this whole move and job has been such a hard transition for me - I really and truly believed that this was finally my time. A good job. A new place. Fewer money worries. A sense of pride and accomplishment. All of my study, hard work, and desire to make a difference being rewarded with some sense of peace. Ha.

I am working hard to move past the disappointment I feel and concentrate on the good things, and I am sure that the coming season will go a long way toward that goal. Ten minutes in the ocean is usually all I need to erase a day full of "meh." I am looking forward to kayaking with Dan on the beautiful salt-water river we live on, and I am hoping to get out on the trails for real this year so that I can drop at least a few of these depressed winter pounds. I can't wait for the sun to turn my skin from coffee to chocolate and my hair from black to golden brown. And I hope that this summer, people actually come visit us - there's a bed waiting for you on the sun porch.

OK

2009-03-23T21:21:00.003-04:00

Remember me being on the fence about menopause? Well, I guess I needn't worry about THAT, as the other night's freak out was probably courtesy of teh hormones. Although, I can't blame hormones for Dan's middle-of-the-night "I want to go home" freak out last night. Like I said, it's been a long, tough winter for us.

Thankfully, he found out this morning that he has his job back for the season at least, and I know that will go a long way in easing his anxiety. Dan is a worker to the nth degree, and being unemployed since mid-October has taken a toll on him.

As for me, well, I am working on leaving work at work, and trying to let the insanity roll off of me. I was heartened by a great teen game program on Friday, with 26 kids in attendance, half of them new to the library. Several kids signed up for cards and took out books, and everyone had such a good time that they were begging me to extend the event for another hour. I was greeted by squeals of teenaged-girl delight when I announced that the next event will be a showing of Twilight on our big screen (and Dan, my YA program helper, bless his generous heart, said, "Cool! I really liked that movie!"). I mean, really, how much can I bitch when my 36 year-old heavy metal husband is willing to sit in a roomful of giggling teens just to make my life easier?

And just to show you how heavy metal he (and thus, his child) is, here's a picture of Zoey "giving horns" to the local rock station's parade float a couple of weeks ago at the St Patty's Day Parade that went right past our house.

Not. Going. Well.

2009-03-19T04:59:00.002-04:00

Things here are on a downward spiral - which is definitely the wrong direction.

It's 5am and I have been up since 3:30. This is nothing new, really, except rather than it being my normal no-reason-for-it insomnia, I am ruminating about my job. I have been hoping and praying over the last 8 months that things would improve, but it's become increasingly obvious that it's not going to - and it's starting to affect both my mental and physical health. And the worst part is, I'm trapped. I moved my life and my new family here, and I am pretty much the sole financial supporter of this operation. I knew this would be the case going in, but I really and truly did not expect that this job would make me so incredibly miserable. And I don't have any options - I can't "go home," as there is no more work there than there is here, I can't find a job here that will support the rent you have to pay to live here (even with my good salary, we live paycheck-to-paycheck). I simply have to "suck it up"until I find something else, which could takes MONTHS - and I don't know how I am going to do that.

I'm sick over this whole experience.

Autopilot and Inertia

2009-02-17T21:12:00.003-05:00

Time just seems to be going by - and when my anxiety is bad, I just run on autopilot.

My 41st birthday was last Friday, and while Dan and I had a nice day, and he gave me some nice and thoughtful gifts, I just don't think I could have cared less about the whole thing. Which I found upsetting. Sigh. The highlight, though, was Dan, yet again, surprising me with my favorite cake - and I wonder why I am fat!

Menopause appears to be upon me - I have completely skipped a period (but am currently suffering from some heavy-duty PMS, so I expect the next one to show up). I spent many days worried, and approximately 3 minutes with my heart in my throat, but I am not pregnant THANK GOD (because, seriously, outside of a serious illness diagnosis, I can imagine nothing worse). And here's the kicker - I don't know how I feel about the whole menopause thing. I mean, after 30 years of pain and sickness and misery every 28 days, I should be thrilled. But I am having a hard time with the whole "getting old and drying up" thing. And getting old just seems to not FIT with me, as I can easily pass for 30, and mentally I am still in the 80s (the decade, people!).

But hey, maybe I skipped a period because of STRESS! Yay! More than anything I wish I could say that I like my job, but I don't. And that sounds bratty, because from what I've heard most people don't like their jobs, but I left a job I LOVED to come here. I'm still hoping that the problematic part gets resolved, because it overshadows my actual work, which isn't bad. On the up side, I feel like I am doing a good job, and I do get good feedback from plenty of people.

It's been another rough winter, but I am hoping that spring will not only bring the warmth and sunshine and long days that I crave, but maybe a friend as well. I miss my friends something fierce.

Random Updates

2009-01-30T18:26:00.002-05:00

I have the attention span of a fly today, so it's all about the bullets.

Mattress - went with the queen, and I'm almost wishing I bought the king. For as wonderful as my relationship with Dan is, we don't sleep as well together as we might. I am a horribly restless sleeper, and my constant up and down is a pain. He's a blanket hog - to the point that we have separate blankets, or else I end up naked in the middle of the night. We both snore, but since he sleeps like the dead, his snoring bothers me more than mine bothers him. But, the mattress is really comfy, and I have slept slightly better on some nights - and if I am awake, I am at least not uncomfortable while I lie there fuming. Both of our backs feel much better as well.
Winter - I hate it and my nerves are about shot. Hate it.
Work - was getting better, but lately has been miserable, and is keeping me up most nights.
Facebook - takes up more time than I care to admit - when I'm home, I'm on it. But at least it's fun.
Hobbies - I haven't had the energy for much, but I have done a bit more geocaching lately, and I have two photos showing this coming month in a juried show - the opening is Sunday, and I'm excited. I'll let you know if I win anything!

Today

2009-01-20T20:07:00.003-05:00

I fully admit that up until today, I had not been overly "connected" to this election, what it may mean for the country, or what it means to me personally. Don't get me wrong - I excitedly cast my vote in November for Obama, I hoped and prayed that he would win, and I have waited eight long years for that twit to return to Texas. I have been appalled by the ignorance and hubris displayed by this last administration, I have suffered along with friends and family in this dismal economy, and I have felt endless frustration with the nonsensical cries of "patriotism" as countless men, women, and children of all stripes have been blown to bits in a ridiculous war.

What I hadn't felt, until today, was proud.

Most of you know that I am bi-racial, the daughter of a Swamp Yankee white mom and an African-America father. Most of you can probably guess that throughout my life I have felt, at varying times, disenfranchised, outcast, threatened, grateful, conflicted, and completely at peace with my racial makeup and everything that comes with it. But it wasn't until this past year, at the age of 40, that I have felt, truly and deeply, that some people just plain old don't like me based on nothing more than the color of my skin, and what it represents to them. This year I took the most important job of my life in a place that I thought would feel familiar to me, only to find that I have had to deal with anger, hatred, rudeness, threatened job security, and even the word "nigger" scrawled in Sharpie on my place of employment, and shouted by patrons at other patrons of color (twice!). To say it's been hard is an understatement.

So maybe that's why, today, as I watched Aretha sing and Obama solemnly swear, I got a little teary-eyed. I was proud that this country elected as President an intelligent, thoughtful, and well-spoken man, a man who happens to be bi-racial, just like me. After months of feeling like I relocated to Alabama and not a beach community in the far Northeast, and a lifetime of feeling like I'm not like anyone else (even though, cognitively, I know that's not true), it was just what I needed.

Congratulations, President Obama!

Well, this should surprise no one...

2009-01-17T19:09:00.000-05:00

Your result for The Sex In The Library Test...

Hell yeah.

You scored 81 bookishness and 69 kinkiness!

You love books, you're down with the kink...you'd almost definitely have sex in the library. Find a partner, find a good spot...and go for it.

Take The Sex In The Library Test at HelloQuizzy

Sleep perchance to dream?

2009-01-05T21:58:00.003-05:00

Well, I am about to make a fairly major (for us) purchase - a new mattress.

I have not owned a truly new mattress in 10 years - and the last one I bought was a 100 dollar special (and queen size at that, so you can imagine the awesome quality). Since then, my mattresses have been hand-me-downs from friends, family, and freecycle. Our current freecycle mattress was just what Dan and I needed when we moved in together and I could no longer tolerate his pull-out couch, but the reality is that while it's very clean, it's seen better days and provides my fat ass with zero comfort.

You may have heard me metion once or 100 times that I do not sleep. I have not had eight uninterrupted hours of sleep in 20 years - no joke. The last time I had more than three hours sleep in a row, I was in surgery - no joke. Last night I slept for one hour when I went to bed, and two hours this morning. Most nights I wake up a minimum of three times, and if I am very lucky, I fall back to sleep quickly, but most nights I do not, and I lie awake cursing or crying out of exhaustion and frustration. What about drugs? you ask. They do nothing for me. I have tried everything from natural remedies to hard-core tranquilizers - they all put me out, but nothing makes me STAY out. It's maddening.

Lately, I find that I sleep a little better on the couch - which has a foam mattress. A while ago I went into a bedding store and tried one of the tempurpedic-type mattresses and about died - I could have fallen asleep instantly. But do you know what one of those things costs? A grand, if you're lucky, and I don't have a grand.

But tonight, it seems as if Ocean State Job Lot has come to my emotional rescue - their tempurfake-ic mattresses are 30% off, meaning if we live on Ramen for the next two weeks, I could by not only a queen, but a KING! And they offer a 30-day money-back guarantee, so I think this is a win-win. And if a new mattress helps my insomnia even a little bit, I will persoanlly make-out with every single member of the NASA team who helped create this wonder material.

So, dear internet friends - queen or king? A king means I will have to buy new bedding (but I love new sheets so, whatever) and that the bed will take up more of the room - but it also means I don't have to touch my darling husband unless I want to (I like space when I sleep). I think a queen "looks" better, and I wont have to get new sheets or another boxspring.... What do you think? Anyone ever bought a king and regretted it?

New Hobby

2009-01-04T13:30:00.002-05:00

Terrariums!

No, I didn't make these...

Crafty

2009-01-03T21:42:00.002-05:00

Dan and Mom gave me a sewing machine for Christmas, because I had been saying forever that if I had one, I would make curtains (I'm not overly fond of most "commercial" curtains).

Yay! New kitchen curtains!

Resolutions

2009-01-01T18:34:00.003-05:00

Wow, I can't even keep the resolution I made to not make resolutions - so I obviously suck at this.

I was just reading last year's list to see how I did. Lose weight? Nope. Eat less? Nope. Catalog all the books I own? Ha, not even close. Chill the hell out? Uh uh. Take more pictures? Just the opposite. Now, in my defense, I DID get a better job, and that was on the list. But that whole process pretty much blew the rest of the list out of the water. Oh, well.

So, without re-stating the obvious, I guess this year I would just like to be as happy in my life as a whole as I am in my private life with Dan. I'm hoping to make a friend here, because I feel the lack of female companionship almost daily. I would like the work situation to continue to improve (I do have high expectations for this). And I would really like to either find another hobby to devote some time to, or get back into geocaching on a regular basis.

The other stuff? Well, it'll either happen or it won't. Twenty years of vowing to lose weight hasn't done any good, so maybe it's just time to let some of my resolutions go.

Happy New Year - Again

2009-01-01T01:16:00.002-05:00

It's one am, and I am, surprise surprise, wide awake! Dan is, naturally, asleep.

Tonight we were talking about last NYE, and the fact that neither of us could remember what we did. I looked it up on the old blog, and found that I was alone that night as Dan had to work both jobs that evening - no wonder we couldn't remember.

We had a very windy snow storm today, so I closed the library early and spent the day at home with Dan. We basically watched tv, cleaned up the house a bit, and had a fabulous steak dinner - we are animals! We were in bed by 11, but stayed awake until midnight, at which point he passed out cold. I would give my right arm to be able to sleep like he does.

So, nothing exciting going on here, just the normal wishes for the coming year. This year certainly has been full - I've had more going on this past year than in the last 5 combined, it seems. And while much of it has been wonderful, there's been plenty of stress. But the stressful parts are improving, and come spring I will be able to shrug off my horrible winter anxiety (my nerves have been awful this winter - the worst they've been in quite some time). I'm fully looking forward to summer in this beautiful (albeit sadly provincial) place.

One thing - no posted resolutions this year (you know what they are anyway - say it with me - "lose weight!" "stop worrying!") - oh wait, I just posted them....

Happy New Year, friends!

Wedding Fun

2008-12-29T19:06:00.002-05:00

I just found this while uploading photos. Normally, I don't even look at video shot with my camera because it's always really bad, or done completely by accident. Don't get me wrong, the quality still sucks, but it makes me smile nonetheless. Dork, I am.

My Unconventional Wedding Video from Jessica Langlois on Vimeo.