The Sarcasm Café (c)

Weekend Wisdom

noreply@blogger.com (~V.V.~) — Thu, 18 Sep 2008 23:37:00 +0000

BTW, this is NOT my original material! Just something to enjoy! Happy Weekend! ~v.v.

-Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next."
They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

The person who tries to live alone will not succeed as a human being. His heart withers if it does not answer another heart. His mind shrinks away if he hears only the echoes of his own thoughts and finds no other inspiration.

You come to love not by finding the perfect person, but by seeing an imperfect person perfectly.

Your words are my food, your breath my wine. You are everything to me.

Jealousy is always born with love but it does not die with it.

Love is blind -- marriage is the eye-opener.

Being divorced is like being hit by a Mack truck. If you live through it, you start looking very carefully to the right and to the left.

More Mailbag!

noreply@blogger.com (~V.V.~) — Mon, 15 Sep 2008 18:35:00 +0000

Yes, it's that time again... for the Sarcasm Café's Mail Bag!!

All entries below are original messages - ONLY names or email addresses have been modified to mask the guilty party. The sender's messages are below, my responses are in blue.

Enjoy!

* * * * *

HELLO MY NAME IS DAVID FROM CALIFORNIA

I JUST SAW YOUR WEBSITE AN I WANT TO INSTUDED MY SELF

Hi David,

I am a little concerned that what you have done to yourself will require an intense medical procedure to rectify.

Good luck with that and of course, thanks for visiting the Sarcasm Cafe'!

~v.v.

* * * * *

hello sweet , how are you ? wish u ok
i fact i just saw your profile ,and i like it very much ,, my profile is old one , about 2 years ago and more ,,
wish we can keep in touch ,,
have a nice day
let me hear from you

Hello Unsweet,

I'm glad that you liked my profile. However, I think it would be more helpful for you to take a good English grammar course rather than visit the Sarcasm Cafe' on the Internet. Really.

Keep your touching to yourself and great day to you too,

~v.v.

* * * * *

salut chere cafe je m appelle husein je suis etudiant de la langue francaise ,i want to be your freind for always ,yes or no

Bonjour Husein,

I'm not a student of French, although I have studied the language. How can this one element connect people to be friends always? Hmmm?

Is this an invitation to circle the "yes" or "no" and send it back to you? Yes or no?

Bon chance,

~v.v.

* * * * *

hi,i search true friends if u also do same job then join me.

Hello,

I'm concerned that you are seeking true friendships via the Internet. Some people call them "online buddies" and it's not so much a job, as it is a hobby... not to say that having friends isn't work or that relationships forged online cannot be authenticly friendly.

Not as unfriendly as I appear to be,

~v.v.

* * * * *

hay

iam in Prescott az i am 24 all most 25 thor i am a m

Hello Horse Feed (or is your name Thor?),

I'm glad to know you are aware of your geographical location. That seems to be more important than being exact about your age, apparently.

Maybe you need to meet another "m" so you two can be "M & M's" -seems like a bright outlook for you!

Never one to sugarcoat,

~v.v.

* * * * *

hi

hello how are you doing? my name is nouredin im single at this time i have ajob i live in morocco . when can talk each other?

Nouredin,

Ah! To be employed and single in Morocco! Wow! I am sincerely impressed.

Unless you are a jewelery salesman in Rabat, I don't think we would have many interesting conversations -but thanks for thinking of stopping by the cafe' with your Hooka pipe!

Cheers,

~v.v.

* * * * *

looking for eternal love

oh my God what a wonderful face and an angelic smile, how can I describe ur lips,eyes,hair where r u from? Are u from moon or paradise
I like ur amazing photo and interested in u
if u have the same I will happy to contact with me

Well! Wow!

Now thats a new line...Let's see? Am I "from moon or paradise" -are you saying that I'm either spacy or a mere fantasy? I don't think I like being compared to an alien life form.

I can describe my lips as they help me sound out a "not interested" comment -from my mouth to God's ears.

Amen to that,

~v.v.

Check the Winners!

noreply@blogger.com (~V.V.~) — Wed, 27 Aug 2008 18:39:00 +0000

Be sure to check
here
for the contest winners
Congratulations!!!

No, No... I Guess I Still Have NOT Heard It All...

noreply@blogger.com (~V.V.~) — Tue, 19 Aug 2008 20:40:00 +0000

Just when I thought I had figured out that the majority of people could no longer surprise me with things... I never before have been left this speechless about a particular topic.

Let me just take a moment to reflect and share this with you....

Most of us (who have not lived under a rock for the past decade) understand that the Chinese have an abundance of sweat shops. It may not be popular, but they are communists and this is how they live. They make cheap goods and Wal-Mart stores -among other large "box" retailers- love to buy from the PRC (Peoples Republic of China) because Americans like bargains - regardless of the price in human ethics. Cheap = revenue. Got it. Nothing new.

Americans also love a good show. Ok, I won't speak for all Americans. That's just downright rude of me. I'm sorry. So, let me say that I enjoy a good show.

In the beginning (wow - that sounds like a bad scripted play there...) - I was pretty impressed with the Opening Ceremonies of this year's Olympics. I even liked it better than the Italians... and they put on a spectacle, too (in Torino, 2006). But it was no Beijing!

So, when I got the link to an Associated Press story about the training that went into the Opening Ceremonies in Beijing, I thought it was satire, a joke... that could not be for real that these people would be subjected to even more humiliation and cruelty. I know, I know... China is known for Human Rights Violations.... I KNOW that the Chinese performers put their heart and soul into showing the world how they could be the best host of the Olympics - I KNOW that their government doesn't give a damn about their people, I KNOW that they faked a lot of things to make everything appear perfect.

But I really had no idea that they'd make their performers wear DIAPERS. That's right, you heard me, adult Pampers for Mr. Lee and all his friends. They trained endless hours, suffered from heat strokes and fell on the pavement when it rained... and... all the while, they had to keep it all in absorbent cotton.

Oh yea - and they had them all stay in military-like barracks while they trained.

If you don't believe me, just Google the terms: Olympics and Diapers. You'll see the news stories if you haven't read about it already. 900 soldiers in DIAPERS. Who do they think they are, American ASTRONAUTS?!

I'm already doing my very best NOT to buy China-made items or even go to a Chinese restaurant... but now what?

I really don't know what else to say.... I know what I won't "doo".....

Bigfoot is Playing Possum!

noreply@blogger.com (~V.V.~) — Sat, 16 Aug 2008 00:26:00 +0000

I remember when my (then) boyfriend (now husband), Alex, proclaimed with adamant determination that, "One day, me and my buddies are going to Canada. We WILL find Bigfoot." I gave him an uninterested nod and said, "Sounds like fun. Don't forget bug repellent and a camera." That was in 1987.

Alex still has not taken a tent or a buddy to the Pacific Northwest for that expedition... yet. Although there is a contiuous, plentiful supply of beef jerky in the cupboard, -just in case Matt, J.D. and John ever change their mind. He's ready to pack at a moment's notice.

Growing up, Bigfoot was just another tall tale that little boys dreamt up. Their fantasies probably had more to do with watching too many re-runs of Scooby Doo.... Or maybe the series of the Six Million Dollar Man and the Bionic Woman fending off a bionic Sasquatch had something to do with over-active imaginations. Seemed normal at the time -if not completely acceptable for pre-pubescent children to believe in the absurd.

But the morons in the recent headlines who thought they could take an ugly gorilla suit, a big ol' 'possum with a "shroud of mystery" and more bad, fuzzy photos in order to convince the world that they discovered and captured the cadaver of the real deal Sasquatch is beyond stupidity. It would be different if they were say... 7 or 14 years old.

They aren't. They are stupid adult men trying to make the rest of us wonder if their brains have been sucked out of their skull by aliens. Which, I'd be more prone to believe at this point. Intelligent grey matter is no where to be found on these 7-minutes-of-fame seekers. There is just a massive, gaping hole that is devoid of anything logical, reasonable or worthwhile of investigation.

Perhaps these men could be the answer to the "missing link" - the in-between man and ape creatures. Right.

Mystery solved: Morons are on the loose everywhere. Shame on the papers and the press for even covering this story!

I'm going in the kitchen... some Teriyaki beef jerky sounds mighty fine to me right now. I don't think anyone's going camping in Canada anytime soon.

Sarcasm Cafe Contest: Contact a Celebrity!

noreply@blogger.com (~V.V.~) — Wed, 13 Aug 2008 14:26:00 +0000

Ok - Patrons of the Sarcasm Cafe, there is an official giveaway for this contest.

It is your turn... you've been waiting at the stage door for hours... you just want to get past that dang velvet rope... but you don't want to blurt out, "I love you!" How do you do it?

Maybe you want an autograph from your favorite actor. Or perhaps you’d like your photo taken with your favorite singer. Or maybe you’re looking to get your favorite baseball player to sign a jersey for your little brother who is sick. Whatever your need for contacting a celebrity and getting past the velvet ropes might be, this book will help you!

The expert Jordan McAuley has outlined how to do just that, in his new book: “Secrets to Contacting Celebrities & Public Figures: 101 Ways to Reach the Rich and Famous.”

Thanks to McAuley, we have FIVE COPIES of his brand-new book in the Secrets to Contacting Celebrities Free Book Giveaway for the Sarcasm Cafe!

“Secrets to Contacting Celebrities” reveals how to contact actors, athletes, musicians, authors, supermodels, politicians and more. Each chapter also includes a list of addresses where you can write if you don’t want to try meeting Hollywood’s hottest stars in person. There is also information on how to contact celebrities using MySpace for the YouTube and text-messaging generation.

McAuley’s book will help you learn the exact tips and tricks he uses to meet and hang out with stars like Gene Simmons, Annie Leibovitz, Perez Hilton, Tim Gunn and more.

How to Enter

To win this book, please leave a comment on this post about which celebrity or public figure you would most like to try to contact.

The contest will close on Wednesday Aug. 27, 2008 at 6 p.m. EST.

Winners will be drawn randomly from the comments and will be announced on Thursday, Aug. 28. Winners will be emailed for their mailing addresses.

Limit one entry per person per day through Wednesday, Aug. 27 at 6 p.m. EST. This contest is valid only for US residents.

The prize: one copy of Jordan McAuley’s book “Secrets to Contacting Celebrities & Public Figures: 101 Ways to Reach the Rich and Famous” for each of the five randomly-chosen winners.

GOOD LUCK!

Photo (Author Jordan McAuley, left, with the fashion guru who makes it happen on Bravo’s Project Runway, Tim Gunn) provided courtesy Jordan McAuley, author of “Secrets to Contacting Celebrities & Public Figures: 101 Ways to Reach the Rich and Famous.”

Ancient Chinese Art of Fraud

noreply@blogger.com (~V.V.~) — Tue, 12 Aug 2008 14:10:00 +0000

How many times do we need to be fooled to realize that the Chinese are a deceptive culture?

Sure, I realize that it is mostly based on their communistic roots, but OMG - I cannot believe the amount of uncoolness that particular area of the world has generated from the start of the Olympics.

You've probably already heard about the fireworks display for the opening ceremony: Faked for the television viewers. Count 1.

The little boy who accidentally carried the Chinese flag upside down during the athletes' procession had his photos pulled from circulation - that's just stupid, retarded and mean to do that. So what? Count 2. Our own US President was just sitting in his seat with his little flag -not even waving it - probably used it as a toothpick between camera shots.

But now - today, I read that the Chinese pulled a Milli Vanilli... the little girl who sang at the opening ceremony - NOT the real little girl. Apparently, they needed a "prettier" image to lip sync in front of the world as opposed to using an "imperfect" child. Count 3.

I mean, I guess if I go so far to think with a warped mind like the Chinese, the little girl should just be happy that her parents even KEPT her, much less allowed her to live in a male-dominated society such as China. She could have been "disposed of" because her family wanted a boy or because she was not perfect. After all, you want a child who can withstand the toxicity levels of its own toys and playthings that have lead in them.

There's also been harsh words and criticism regarding the fairness of the judges, whether or not the Olympic gymnasts are even of proper age to compete, and there's been ticket scams left and right.... I've already lost count and my faith in anything Chinese....which wasn't all that strong to BEGIN with....

I figure it is time to just sever the ties. I am boycotting Chinese food and buying things made in China (which, I don't knowingly ever buy items made in China anymore anyway - just because we have our own wretched economy to help out). I won't even buy Calgon... "ancient Chinese secret" my a$$... that's where the lying and deception STARTED, didn't it???

Working At Home Rant: A Mojito Inspired Tale

noreply@blogger.com (~V.V.~) — Fri, 08 Aug 2008 17:58:00 +0000

I recently posted a link about working from home.

I even sent that link to some friends and family on a mailing list because that article read so true-to-form.

You see, I am one of those (very lucky) people who left Corporate America for an independent lifestyle. I needed to be my own boss. It's not easy -but I'm NOT sleeping until noon everyday, watching my soaps, or eating junk food on the couch.

Quite the contrary.

I have a very busy schedule that includes a regular fitness routine, taking care of 3 dogs and two cats, being a taxi for my teenagers and fulfilling my duties as a homeowner. (My God there are a ton of things in a state of CONSTANT repair in this place!!)

I am a freelance writer as well as a college instructor that teaches online classes for a well-known state university. I also develop and revise courses, review evaluations for college credit and am a mentor/adviser for over 80 students until they graduate -and that number increases EVERY semester. Oh yes, and I'm a PhD student who is considered "ABD" (All But Dissertation) - so a good portion of my day is spent with reading, research and more writing.

In between the "gaps of time", there are doctor's appointments -not just for me, but for the kids and my pets, trips to the grocery store and occasional errand running. Dang it, not everything can be done strictly online -yet.

But it gets under my CRAW when I hear someone say, "Oh... so you're at home now. That must be great to have all that free time."

First of all, my time is NOT free. Yes, I am a little more flexible, but I still have JOBS and a ton of responsibility - all of which count on me and have deadlines. My school work as a student also has time limits on submissions and it's no cake walk!

When I hear these comments from close family or friends, it hurts all the more... why? Because it is insensitive. They play it out as if I do nothing all day but sit around.

WTF? Are you kidding me??!

I don't have the time to justify my work or show them my heavy schedule. Why should I? I would rather walk away from their lousy comments - simply allowing them to think that I bask in the sun and drink mojitos all day while they live in their pseudo-martyr world....

My work pays the bills - large and small. I interview celebrities and write articles. I grade papers. I write papers. I edit, manage, re-write, collaborate, investigate, research, re-do, fold laundry, do car maintenance, mow the lawn, pull weeds, vacuum, etc. etc. etc.! I'm writing two books at the moment -one for research (the dreaded "Big D" -dissertation) and the other as a fictional novel... but according to people in my circle of friends and CLOSE family members think that "Oh, it can't be that hard to manage."

Go ahead. Try to make 6 figures come out of your butt while you're at home - I dare you to make it happen.

I'm going to get a mojito now and just mull about the house in a bikini. That's just how I roll.

The Daily Irk

noreply@blogger.com (~V.V.~) — Thu, 07 Aug 2008 03:33:00 +0000

Parents who do not watch their small children IRK me beyond any reasonable level of annoyance. We're talking the kind of IRK that might find me on an episode of Forensic Files one day. Ok,maybe not THAT bad, but I really do feel as though I could go postal with some idiotic brats and their lackadaisical parents -given an opportunity. No shallow graves needed.

In particular, parents who want others to tolerate their obnoxious kids in public places should be shot execution style. But, since we can't do that, I do firmly believe that, those parents NEED to have their children confiscated. That's right -taken away and NOT given back.

Those kids need to be in a rehab clinic or shipped off to military school.

Without proper attention or care, they've most likely been raised with no common sense or ideas about respect for others -especially adults. The world is one big playground and toilet bowl. They will grow up to be obnoxious adults and boils on the butt of society. They will end up to be total slimeballs or social misfits -like Pauly Shore, Anna Nicole Smith, Tara Reid, Flava Flav, Nicole Ritchie and/or Paris Hilton -what a motley crew!

Children who run around nice restaurants like they are at Chuck E. Cheese should be tasered. That's right -all kids coming in to my restaurant would have a shock collar. One peep or move out of their seat, and I'd send 200 volts of fun right to their jugular vein. Sit down, Waldo!

People go out to nice restaurants for a reason -maybe it is to celebrate a special occasion. Maybe they just don't want to do dishes that night. But I can tell you what people going out to dinner DON'T want... it's some punk-a$$ kid crawling on the floor under their table or hanging out by their table with puppy dog eyes and his finger up his nose.

It amazes me how many small children are allowed IN to nice restaurants and hotels ... One thing that I am starting to like, A LOT, are luxury resorts that do not allow children (either at all or under the age of 13). FanTASTIC! Keep the little grunts OUT. If we have "no smoking" rules and laws for public places, how about a "No Children Zone" for restaurants?! People with small kids should head to Ponderosa or Mikey's All You Can Eat Buffet... but I'd like my steak and lobster to be served without Sally the Screamer and her baby brother Booger Boy sitting next to me at Longhorn's.

And let's implement children-free PLANES too. Not everything "public" has to turn into a friggin' Playmobil Gymboree. I don't want a playdate with your dang 16-month old who wants to play peek-a-boo for 3 hours to Frisco with me. I'd rather pull apart plastic forks in a factory setting without air conditioning than put up with that nonsense. Shoot - give me one to put in my eye -that's even more fun.

I have kids. They are teenagers now. They NEVER ran in restaurants or cried in planes. I NEVER let anyone else tend to my children in public places. They were MY responsibility. They didn't even know what a gourmet restaurant WAS until they were 8 years old. THEN they sat in their seat, with proper napkins on their laps and silverware properly used in its rightful order. They always said "please" and "thank you" and thought the flight attendant button on the plane would send someone out to spank them if they misbehaved.

I'd so like to see stupid parents arrested and fined heavily for their unruly children. I'd put them ALL on an island with shark infested waters.... just like a dang leper colony, there would be no way of leaving and just basic needs met with an occasional airlift bringing them supplies. Oh yes, and there would be a doctor on that island to make sure that everyone was spayed and neutered. No procreating or any of that happening.

I know it already... I'll be an old biddy living in one of those adults only assisted living places -and I'll be HAPPY. Let me play bingo without the annoyances of little kids.

If you like little kids, that's great. You have more tolerance than me. But keep in mind that there are plenty of people who really do not share your enthusiasm about little Emma's first bowel movement while on a plane to Miami. In fact, I bet while they are gritting their teeth to fake a smile about that pathetic BM story, they'd rather tell you to go push the "spanking button" for both you AND Emma.

Comfort - All for Just $7!

noreply@blogger.com (~V.V.~) — Thu, 07 Aug 2008 03:31:00 +0000

I think, as a capitalistic society, we have hit an all-time LOW.

For JetBlue Airlines to even THINK to charge anyone $7 for a pillow... that's just a crappy policy, no matter how many ways I twist and turn it.... Ok, rising fuel costs, GOT IT. We have to pay $2 for water on US Airways plus extra baggage fees on many carriers now too.... what's next? Charge-per-use toilets?

Not that I want to give the airlines any more ideas.

On my recent flight from Charlotte, NC to Cancun, Mexico -the flight was 2 hours and 50 minutes. We got ONE drink. If you wanted alcohol, it would be $5 for a domestic beer.... but there were no pretzels, no peanuts, nothing. There was nothing to even BUY if you wanted to... it was a food-free flight. In fact, ONLY flights that are 3 hours or longer would have those so-called "amenities". So, by being 10 minutes under the 3 hour threshold, everyone got off the plane famished, fuming and ready to show the flight attendants the middle finger for the lack of service. That's like the first time in my life that I actually would have PAID for stinkin' pretzels. Ever.

It's all just such a crock.

Oh, but wait... according to one website, the $7 JetBlue pillow and blanket kit is made by CleanBrands LLC, and is supposedly “the world’s cleanest” due to the toxin-blocking fabric. (That's called RESIN, right?!) Well, golly gee, I take everything I just blogged back. That’s surely worth seven bucks! Why, it’s a deal even at $7.50! Did you know that passengers who are desperate, tired or cold enough to buy the toxin-blocking kit also get a coupon for $5 off at Bed Bath & Beyond?

Oh Wally! Tell the Beav that it's too good to be true!

Does it come with an air sickness bag, because I'm gonna need one when I cough up those 7 Greenbacks. Yea, right.. don't hold your breath on THAT.... because I'll use my "seat as a floatation device" before THAT happens....

Ch-Ch-Chichén-Itzá!

noreply@blogger.com (~V.V.~) — Wed, 23 Jul 2008 13:17:00 +0000

White sand beaches, watching the para-sailing pairs in the skies above, locals peddling their trinkets for 10 pesos and all the tequila you could ask for and more... That's just a little bit of what I experienced just about a week ago just south of Cancun, Mexico.

The Playa del Carmen was a relaxing place to go... Soak up the sun, watch people drink excessively and even give your intestines a workout too.

Yes, out of 10 visiting family members, 7 came down with Montezuma's Revenge. It became a game of "Who's Visiting the Porcelain Throne Tonight?" -instead of joining the rest of us for dinner. Like a Round Robin Extravaganza, everyone took turns with popping Immodium A-D and slamming shots of Pepto-Bismol.

I thought I was smart - I avoided anything that looked like it could have been rinsed in the local water. No ice cubes in my drinks and I even brushed my teeth with bottled water. No tomatoes, no lettuce, nothing that was on the banned list from the USDA went into my internal processing system.

I survived until the day AFTER we returned home from Mexico. I was in agonizing pain and had a low-grade fever to accompany something that I think was colonic contraband. It was all very, very bad and lasted for over 3 days. I had to visit a doctor in order to get back to regular operations.

There's absolutely NO DESIRE to ever visit Mexico again. The hotel was great, visiting the ruins were fantastic -but the idea that 70% of us became ill during our stay is just not making me want to visit the Diarrhea Capitol of the World.

You remember the song... "Diarrhea ch-ch-ch!"

¡No gracias! I just don't have anything good to add about my trip... wish I did. Sorry. I need another vacation. One without parasites and WITH filtered water. No more Playa del Crappa for this girl! It's really the Yuck-a-tan peninsula, that's for sure!

My Empowering Interview

noreply@blogger.com (~V.V.~) — Tue, 22 Jul 2008 10:35:00 +0000

I just wanted to quickly share with all of you, my interview with Katherine Fugate, the creator and executive producer of the show, Army Wives.

It was pretty great to talk to her and a little piece of trivia for you:
She's the niece of I Dream of Jeannie's Barbara Eden!

Check out my interview with her here: http://www.sheknows.com/articles/804769.htm

I'm All Flipped Out

noreply@blogger.com (~V.V.~) — Thu, 03 Jul 2008 11:36:00 +0000

Ok, ok... I know... I talk about flip flops and my dislike for them as everyday fashion.

Nothing has changed.

But today, I'm packing my first pair in a suitcase... I haven't owned a pair of flip flops since I moved from Hawaii in 1994. You could say it's been awhile.

I'm off to Mexico with the family for an overdue vay-cay... This time tomorrow I will be arriving at my destination with the full intent to relax and sip a Margarita everyday from noon to midnight.

My daughters will have their own adjoining room/suite so that the adults are allowed some privacy during this trip. It's great to have teenagers who don't want to be bothered. I'll have to take away the mini-bar key and sleep with one eye open, I know!!

Anyway, I wanted to let everyone know that I'm off to the Yucatan for a holiday... and yes, I caved and bought some flip flops for the beach (which is acceptable). I think they'll stay in the suitcase, but I'm packing them for "in case of emergency" purposes only. Ya never know when there's tequila involved.

Are You a Mover or a Shaker?

noreply@blogger.com (~V.V.~) — Tue, 01 Jul 2008 10:15:00 +0000

The other day, I ran across an article that talked about how a college course focused around the inevitable human demise required the students to write their own 6-word epitaph. Rather than finding that obscure and creepishly academic, I created my own in about 4-seconds.

Army Wife: Always on the Move.

Since my husband first went into the Army as the gung-ho soldier boy in the late 80's, I've tirelessly followed his G.I. butt all over the world. Perhaps "tirelessly" is not the right word. Anyone who knows me personally is aware that I can take naps 3 times a day and not feel a shred of guilt.

I've been in such Army hot spots such as Fort Rucker, Alabama and Songtan-Salvage South Korea. Living in Hawaii seemed like a bad dream.... while there, I spent 15 months of our three years carrying children.... and by that, I mean that I arrived on Oahu already expecting Baby #1 and within a few months, was already awaiting Baby #2 and morning sickness all over again. I never wanted to go back to Honolulu and remember waving out the window very obnoxiously on our way to the airport to go back State-side.

Now, I'd really like to go back and visit... Now that I'm not 50lbs. of baby weight and spending my days getting sand out of diapers.

Wow. I really digressed here. Why did you let me do that?

I was talking about the "moving and shaking" deal because although I'm not sure when move #15 might be coming, but I can say with 99% certainty that it is coming.

But it is better than that.... since I broke the chains of living in the corporate blood-sucking world, I've found my little niche. I really have: writing.

I love this blog, I love my other BravoFan blog and I love reading other people's blogs ---- but it has turned into a complete obsession now. At least it is not without merit....

I've been asked to interview an Executive Producer and creator of a popular television show on a cable network that is NOT Bravo!.... I have always been drawn to the entertainment industry as a whole, but the "mover" part of my life never had me close enough to L.A. or NYC to really be a "shaker".... But now, thanks to the Internet, I've been able to be as close (or as far) as I want to be...

I don't want to jinx the gig or divulge in the details yet about "the who" or "for what" - but I attribute who I am and all of my moving around the planet is how I got the latest writing job... I interview the person this evening... they are in LA and I'm getting a little shaky with excitement just thinking about it.

God knows I'm not a Mover AND a Shaker. That's for people like Madonna.
Which one are you? Mover? Shaker? Or are you both? Go ahead, create your own 6-word epitaph. I dare you....!

Political Morons and Change Agents

noreply@blogger.com (~V.V.~) — Sat, 28 Jun 2008 20:18:00 +0000

I know, I know. It is wrong to find this funny.

But, in my opinion, all politicians are a bunch of animals. Some monkeys, donkeys (asses), rats and pigs... depends on perspective.

Again, I think we're talking about the ultra-sensitive world we live in and how no matter who you are, where you live or what you do, SOMEONE will be OFFENDED.

Morons. Just moronic monkeys everywhere you look....

There's Something Thong Here....

noreply@blogger.com (~V.V.~) — Tue, 24 Jun 2008 19:46:00 +0000

Some thongs aren't meant for everyone.

According to a recent "Oddly Enough" article from Reuters, "Macrida Patterson, a 52-year-old Los Angeles traffic officer, told NBC's "Today" show that she suffered cuts to her cornea from the small piece of metal that had been used to secure a rhinestone heart onto the blue thong."

WTF?

How does she get CUT with a THONG? Was she trying to stretch her 52-year old cottage cheese butt in a size too small? Or was grandma trying to stuff a sock in that thong and it got out of hand... literally. Maybe she was attempting to stretch it out and make a quilt out of it for her grandchild...

Hell if I know what a 52-year-old wanted to do with stringy panties that most 30 year-olds should already stay away from....

I'm not the smartest living creature out there, but I think if you're 52 and purchasing a thong that INJURES you, you're best off purchasing some nice Fruit of the Loom undergarmets and keeping the butt floss permanently away from enlarged, aging crevices. Go back to the knitting needles and bake some high fiber cookies or something.

I'm going to try to pretend I never heard about this story. Ever.

Not a Tasty McBurger...

noreply@blogger.com (~V.V.~) — Tue, 24 Jun 2008 19:30:00 +0000

When you first look at this ad (and it is a REAL advertisement), you would think that this looks like an old, disgusting burger...
Yuck! Right?
Look again and you'll see that it is for McCafe.... Odd. It's a COFFEE BEAN.
I'd turn the page if I saw this advert and probably never go to McD's again.... (not that I'm a regular customer as it is, I'm just sayin'...)
For some cafe art, take a look at http://wakeuptowhatsnew.com/
Are you lovin' it?!

Men: 6 Ways They Waste GAS Better Than Women

noreply@blogger.com (~V.V.~) — Sun, 15 Jun 2008 11:05:00 +0000

According to a CNNMoney.com article, there are 6 ways that we're wasting gas.

Excuse me?? "We" are not wasting gas. MEN are primarily guilty.

The tips in that article were fairly simple and easy to understand. I can say with 100% certainty that my husband follows the recipe for those offenses on a regular basis. So I think to say "we're" wasting gas is a little pushy.

That's why I am being sexist -and albeit truthful - about how MEN waste gas better than women. (C'mon... we got to give them credit for one thing they do better. THIS is it, ladies!)

Here are 6 Ways Men Waste Gas Better Than Women (and WHY):

1. Racing away from green lights
Nothing says "my male appendage is bigger than yours" than if a guy can hit the pedal with his 4.0 turbo-injected ego and be the first one to zoom away once the light turns green. Like Pavlov's dogs, men pant and salivate waiting at the stoplight, anxiously awaiting that light to turn so they can be first to burn too much fuel and a hole in their wallet.
But, as my husband would point out, "So what? I was first."
Great, honey. You're such a manly man. Wow.

2. Racing up to red lights
Again, guys - you race AWAY from the green and INTO another red light. It's another WTF? moment. So you can apply the brakes and stop on a dime. Terrific. Give me my neck brace now, because I'll need it as we race away again with your whiplash reflexes.
I really hope that maneuver was worth $10 in petrol, honey. It will cost you much more dearly later... trust me.

3. Confusing the highway with a speedway
Ok, I understand that women can be guilty of this too - but today, let's just keep the men guilty of this. Why? Because when women speed, we're not doing it because we think the road is the Indy-500 raceway (unless your Danica Patrick). But men will speed and aggressively change lanes, pass other cars with a vengeance and try to turn a 300-mile road trip into a version of Formula-1 racing. Or even a 3-mile trip to the store can turn into a weekend at the track.
Women can also get out of speeding tickets better. We are the superior sex.

4. Bumper-buzzing
It is dangerous to ride a bumper, but for some reason MEN tend to do this a lot - as if, once again, it is an indicator of who wears the pants and can stand up to relieve himself.
It wastes time, energy AND gas to constantly accelerate and decelerate.
To drivers who tailgate me, I will drive SLOWER to make my point. So, in this instance it is the WOMEN who will enforce gas-saving techniques.
Men will continue to tailgate until they finally get around the offender -and then go back to gas wasting tip #3 (highway is a speedway) behavior.

5. Driving standing still
In hot weather, a lot of people (male and female) sit in our cars at idle... which uses more gas than a lot of people think.
But men, they have no reason to do this, so they are the bigger offenders.
If my husband would just get OUT of the car to go shopping with me, rather than stay in his man-mobile to keep cool, we could save some gas and I'd have some more cashola to play with.
I know he thinks that by STAYING in the car he's saving us money (thinking that I'll shop quicker while he's outside waiting) - but in fact, I've been known to spend MORE money that way. I won't look at prices carefully, I'll just grab and go -even if it means that those Ralph Lauren pants weren't on sale.
Don't ask me why pants cost over $100 -when you weren't THERE and you stayed in the car.

6. Short hops
I don't know anyone more guilty of taking short trips to Lowes or Home Depot more than my man. Instead of taking one trip there, it becomes the several times a day routine. Sometimes, I think hiring a contractor would be cheaper than a do-it-yourself makeover.
- - - - - - - - - -

I haven't completely changed my own gas-guzzling behaviors yet, but I find myself taking fewer jaunts to just "go somewhere" lately. I don't know if I'm thinking about gas prices or trying to avoid High School Senior Harvey Hotrod and his posse at the traffic lights trying to out-run me (and run me over in the process of his coolness).

Overall, I know that I'm better at saving fuel better than my dear, sweet husband. It's probably my estrogen levels and the fact that I'm the wife of a US Army pilot. I know that my husband has the biggest, fastest machine as his aircraft. He out-flies AH-64 Apaches all the time and makes them all feel like little girls.

But honey, our car isn't a helicopter and Uncle Sam isn't paying for the gas. Take it easy, babe and learn to love spending money on ME and not the car. Again, this pays off better in the end. Much better.

My Life as a Blogger...an Announcement

noreply@blogger.com (~V.V.~) — Sat, 14 Jun 2008 17:21:00 +0000

It is now OFFICIAL:

http://www.b5media.com/the-entertainment-channel-welcomes-bravofan/

I'm still here at the Sarcasm Cafe, but have been offered a great opportunity to blog for one of my favorite channels on TV: Bravo!

Yes, www.bravofan.com is my own little domain of fun, antics and a bit of reality... Please stop by and subscribe to the feed and feel free to drop popcorn in between the seat cushions while you're there.

Now, Kathy Griffin... who's right behind you on the D-List line?! Better step aside. . . . and don't even think about tripping me with those knock-off shoes.

Obama: Find Another Sandbox

noreply@blogger.com (~V.V.~) — Wed, 11 Jun 2008 18:20:00 +0000

I'm really disgusted. Beyond any reasonable notion, I just can't shake it. I'm in a snarky mood.

For those of you who may visit The Sarcasm Cafe regularly, you know I'm not a big politico or care too much about the election. I vote, but I don't blog too much about politics - there's plenty of others that do it FOR me (or for US, rather). But I just can't take it anymore. Not only am I not really "feeling it" for any of the candidates, but there's just one MORON that I refuse to give even a fleeting moment of hope for my ballot. Here it is:

Top ten reasons why I do NOT like Obama
(hate is a strong word, and Mama taught me better):

1. His name rhymes with Osama

2. His middle name is Hussein (Do we need any more reasons??? C'mon people! Get your head of of the sand before he puts the whole country in it with him!)

3. He doesn't properly know what to do during the Pledge of Allegiance - 3 letters: WTF? There's a protocol to follow - and a Commander in Chief better have his shizz-iz-le straight.

4. It is questionable if his wife is a complete idiot, too - she certainly looks the dumb ass part and has said, "for the first time in my adult life I am proud of my country". Go be an ex-pat if need be then! Move! But for God's SAKE, we don't need someone like THAT as the First Lady! I hereby re-name her to MissHell. Fitting.

5. He is not a better public speaker than GW Bush. We need someone who can talk without stumbling on his words. Especially in the international arena. Just take a listen...

6. He may not be a practicing Muslim now, but the history there is sketchy. What does that really mean? Yes, America is a nation of religious freedom. Just pardon me if I'm not all warm and cozy with the idea with something that it seems he's trying sooo hard to cover up. Why? Is he ashamed? Why? Why? Why?

7. Why does someone who's not even PRESIDENT need the Secret Service? If you think this guy will last through a term in the presidency, you better think again. Go ahead, get all the hands to sing Kumbaya My Lord all you want to and praise his good graces that America is ready for the first black president. Fine. I like positive thinkers too. (Seriously, I do.) I just hope that if this jerk is elected, he has a VERY GOOD V.P. who is up for the job description too.

8. He needed Oprah to give him support because what he lacks in EXPERIENCE, he thought he could buy with celebrity. Why Oprah? Because people from all over the country really love and respect her. Since she's come out so boldly to support this idiot, I'm not one to be drinking Oprah-Kool-Aid along with her minions.

9. Two words: Obama Girl. (Someone get some duct tape and a cement block and meet me at the East River. We can fix this headache.)

10. I still can't get the name "Barack Hussein Osama" out of my mind. I can't believe that the name will even be a CHOICE for a vote for the American President. Oh, wait, it's oBama... right... with a "b"... not an "s"... Sure. Whatever. Open mouth, insert sand.

Warning: One Big Flop

noreply@blogger.com (~V.V.~) — Wed, 11 Jun 2008 17:27:00 +0000

Finally! The fad is (hopefully) ready to flop.

I was thrilled to read a Newsweek article called, "Flip-Flops Flaws". It was refreshing to hear what I knew all along to be true, "According to a new study, the ubiquitous summer shoe may be bad for your ankles and feet."

Not that this is big news - but I've downright HAD it with flip flops (aka shower shoes). I'm GLAD they are now, finally telling people to not use them as the catch-all end-all solution to footwear.

To see people wear them to the beach, yes - that is acceptable. To see young kids wearing them as they play outside and run through sprinklers, yes -again, this is all good.

But to see those blinkin' things attached to people from all walks of life and in all areas of the public domain makes me vomit just a little everytime I see and hear the flappety-flap-flap madness. Especially if I am where food is served.

It is like listening to someone smack and pop their chewing gum loudly behind you in line while you're at the bank or something. (Now that we have ATM's, does anyone EVER go inside a bank anymore?!)

Anyway...

Seeing flip flops worn with jogging suits just screams that they have an IQ of -10.

I'm sorry, I'm really tired of sloppy dressing and seeing flip flops and people's thongs hanging out. Keep your jelly in its proper container. Not everyone needs to see YOUR junk.

Sometimes that junk translates over to the bad maintenance of toenails and poor lacquer/nail polish selections.

I'm glad that Newsweek has put out the study about why flip-flops are bad for people to wear everywhere all the dang day long. Yet -somehow, I think it might fall on deaf ears. We also tell people that smoking and drinking are bad too.

I just see a bunch of flip-flop wearing fools drinkin', cussin' and throwin' a hissy fit down at the Wal-Mart and fixin' up a lawsuit against them there flippity flops for making Bobby-Sue trip and fall in the campin' aisle. (She was lookin' fer a Coleman Spitoon to go along with her Red Man Chew.) That family ain't gonna' stand fer that bidness and someone at the Wal-Mart is gonna' pay. She's a gonna' get her some cash-ola to be paid out to her and her youngun's cuz them there flippity flops didn't have no warnin' about the potential dangers of her feet gettin' all turned up on them there ends.

Y'all just wait...

Blogging Saved My Life. . .

noreply@blogger.com (~V.V.~) — Tue, 10 Jun 2008 15:46:00 +0000

Someday, I might have my personal memoirs written in a book titled, “How
Blogging Saved My Life: V.V.'s Story of Luxury Travel, Fame and Fortune on the Divine Red Carpet.”

That's the plan anyway.

I realized that I started writing when I was very young. I had a collection of diaries - all of which I would be completely embarrassed if they were ever read TODAY. (I can't help but think how Anne Frank might have felt - if she only knew that her own teenage angst-filled writings would be published for the world to read and experience.)

AnyWHO....

I began thinking the other day about my own writing and why I find it so cathartic.

It hit me .... right there at the stoplight while discussing this blogging thing with my daughter, why I write and enjoy it so much.

My mother used to leave me in the car all the time.

Yes, my mom was a real estate agent and I would get dragged along to all the homes that needed to be shown in a moment's notice. Sometimes, there was no warning, just a "Let's go!" order from Mom.

Off we went... down the road or across the county line to show a house. Oh joy!

Sometimes, I would be in the car for a few minutes. Other times, if Mom wrote up an offer, I could tell you how many wrinkles in the vinyl seats were on the passenger side of the car. The whole car. I counted them. After an hour and a half of sitting there like a bump on a log, you have to preoccupy yourself with something other than picking your nose or checking out your hair in the small compact mirror.

I was 7 or 8 years old - I wasn't interested in going in a stinky old house or taking a nap in the car. Just let me count lines. I was all about doing insignificant things at that age. I think all of us might have been at one point.

Maybe some of us just stay there.....

But! There were also great occasions where Mom would get ready to show a house and pull out an INVISIBLE INK pad and pen - right out of her briefcase. It was simply MAGICAL. That was a JACKPOT. Nothing could be better! (Ok, maybe those "Paint with Water" books, but that wasn't happening in the car...) and Invisible Ink was my friend for life.

Ok, "for life" is a stretch. Let's just say it was WAAAAY AWESOME... Until I went through the fun pages in about 10 minutes.... again, then I was back to counting leaves on trees, dots of pollen on the windshield or thinking up crazy nicknames for myself when I would be rich and famous.

My favorite name was Ezmeralda. (I really liked watching Bewitched!)

Finally, one day, I happened to bring along a pencil and some paper while Mom tried to convince a couple that the house was a dream property. I began to scribble out some poems about God knows what.

I then drew a little....wrote a little. Then started to write some more...

I loved it. I started to keep a diary. That was good as long as it had a lock and key. I'd always lose the key, but there's really no diary lock that cannot be opened with a simple bobby pin. Good thing I didn't have pesky siblings to worry about....

I quickly learned that my words were mine.

I also started to read a lot. Reading, writing, then reading.

Now that I am older, I still do both... but with this blog came a lot more than I thought. I am now a professional freelance writer. I'll be starting a brand new blog and will even be COMPENSATED for my efforts too. I'll share that with you once everything is firmly in place.

But to anyone who genuinely has a dream, I truly believe you can get there. I never thought that my blogging would ever be more than my little anecdotes of randomness. Who would have thought that my mom, by abandoning me in the car for hours on end to show houses, would have turned my boredom into a blossoming career? The Sarcasm Cafe' was born and it is now having children of its own!!

Thanks, Mom. Thank you for having me wait in the car and find my own entertainment. I appreciate the special moments that you gave me solace and virtually no other outlet than to write. Oh yeah, thanks for the Invisible Ink "Yes and Know" books - that was pretty cool, too.

FYI: They still make great gifts.

So now, YOU tell me... why do YOU blog? Do you have a theme? Do you see yourself named Ezmeralda someday too?

Summer Landscapes

noreply@blogger.com (~V.V.~) — Tue, 10 Jun 2008 15:29:00 +0000

It's too hot to do yard work (which I don't think that if it cooled down 20 degrees, anyone would still be able to convince me that it needed to be done - I'm not a lawn and garden kinda' gal).

The weeds look prettier than the flowers. Well, to be quite honest, I don't know the difference between the two. The weeds might well be the flowers and vice versa. Heck if I know.

The clover growing in the backyard looks pretty nice, so I'm apt to say that they aren't weeds anyway. The bees enjoy them and the dogs like hopping around in them too - as long as they don't get stung, then everyone is happy.

My husband will be home for mid-tour (that means he has to go BACK and be without his family again for another year) in about a week.

We have plans to go on a family vacation and even attend a wedding reception while he's back in the States soaking up the American landscape and culture.

Well, ok. You're right. Let's just be honest here. Truth-be-told - the only landscape that he'll be soaking up is this poor excuse for a yard we have right now. Culture? Well, that could be found in the form of some gourmet cheese in the fridge.

Does This Plane Make My Butt Look Big?

noreply@blogger.com (~V.V.~) — Sun, 08 Jun 2008 21:28:00 +0000

Anyone who has flown the skies in recent years, could probably recall their own personal nightmares at 20,000 feet and need no help from Rod Serling's Twilight Zone episode starring William Shatner. Just try getting throught security FIRST. Today, William Shatner's problem would be the realization that he left his laptop at Chicago O'Hare TSA desk because he was forced to remove shoes, belt and dignity before being allowed to re-claim his belongings. (By the way, did you know that in ONE U.S. airport last year, over 41 MILLION items were voluntarily surrendered to TSA before getting to the gate?)

But really - think about it: How can William Shatner be "The Priceline Negotiator" if we're going to charge ticket fares by the pound per person? This means Bill's gig is up and over, OR, he will need to become "The Priceline Peronal Trainer"..... That is a nightmare!

Anyway.... After reading an article about a fabricated airline dubbed "Derrie-Air" and how they would be charging per customer's weight - I thought a lot about how discouraged people have become with traveling the anything-but-friendly skies. Apparently, according to the media moguls who came up with the sham-er-ific Derrie-Air, the advert in The Philadelphia Enquirer was all about how print advertising could "demonstrate the power of our brands in generating awareness and generating traffic for our advertisers, and put a smile on people's faces."

Why did the advertisers think this charging per pound gimmick put a smile on anyone's face?
I can think of about 10 right now....

1. Perhaps you won't have to pay extra for carry-on luggage like other major airlines because the plane can be properly weight balanced. You pay per-pound, including your luggage. It's time for Patty-Pack-It-In to pay up or just go home!

2. Do those who pay more for a seat still have to squeeze into them, or do they get a bigger seat? I don't like sitting next to Big-Booty-Bob all the way to Binghamton, thanks. Bob needs space to sprawl, and not over into my arm rest or seat cushion.

3. If you know bigger people will be on the plane, could you at least give us more than a puny pack of pretzels? That's cheap. I've paid by the pound. I didn't get this way with lazy, crappy salty-sawdust snacks. After paying for that ridiculously priced airfare, I want something that will give that extra jiggle in the wiggle. Why not pass out ice cream Bon Bons? They are small and full of fatty goodness.

4. While you're at it - let's just get some Frosty's from Wendy's - we don't need Coca-Cola products or the sad excuse for coffee that's usually passed out on those other bourgeois airlines. Give the passengers what their hips crave.

5. If you can't do the ice cream because of the need to keep things frozen, then how about something smothered in a yellow-orange cheese-imitation powder? Cheezee Poofs!

6. If you charge by the pound, then maybe you won't allow anyone who's too skinny to board. After all, how would they make any money? Sorry, but skinny people would have to stay at home. I would love being the passenger with the skinniest butt and shapely thighs on a flight. Just once. (Oh shut it! A girl can dream!!)

7. I'd buy stock in Ex-Lax and Slim Fast - think of how much money people will try to save by trying to shed some pounds the old fashioned way. (Even so they'd still be eating their Bon Bons, Frosty's and Cheezee Poofs once the plane reached altitude.)

8. If we're paying by the pound, then that means I'd be flying with about 5 other people. That means that the single mother with the six snotty incessantly crying children hanging around the gate would be heaved on to the next flight (waaaay after mine).

9. See #3 regarding Bon Bons. That's really making me hungry just thinking about it. Good thing I don't have to buy an airline ticket tonight. I could eat my current weight in ice cream right stinkin' now.

10. I want frequent flier miles for each pound too. Just because I took 10 pounds to Chicago, but came back from my Mom's house (full of peach cobbler and coconut cream pie) with 20 pounds extra, I want the added benefit.

Flying with the per-pound idea really doesn't need to be fiction. Our country is a top ten contender for "People with the Most Junk in the Trunk" award. It really is no joking matter when I am forced to sit next to Large Larry for four hours to DFW and my leg is numb from HIS upper thigh cutting off circulation from my major arteries. (Larry's arteries are blocked, so I guess it is only fair that he should stop mine too??!)

If you've ever seen an overweight person try to squeeze into a seat that can't comfortably accommodate the Olsen Twins (seated together in their natural, anorexic state), then you know there must be a problem - especially if you feel like you need one of those special turn-keys that come off a can of sardines in order to de-plane.

I just wonder... if I stand next to a Boeing 747 Jumbo Jet, will it make me look petite and skinnier?

Mail Bag! The June Installment. . . .

noreply@blogger.com (~V.V.~) — Mon, 02 Jun 2008 10:27:00 +0000

Yes, it's that time... It's time for the Sarcasm Café's Mail Bag!!

Now, I should warn everyone, these are MOSTLY from Yahoo 360 - which is why I'm no longer a big fan.... Multiply is certainly a nicer, more organized community, so these are few and far between since I've made the switch.

I was also a featured blogger on 360 - so that brought out the weirdest in people too....

Anyway...

All entries below are original messages - ONLY names or email addresses have been modified to mask the guilty party. The sender's messages are italicized, my responses are in blue.

Aren t you glad it s the weekend and get to sleep in,well i am i watch movies all day on Saturdays i watch America s most wanted which is my favorite along with Cops what about you plz send me your email address thanks alot.

I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that I think you watch those shows to see yourself or at least to get a better idea of what you aspire to be (i.e., a wanted criminal or a stumbling down drunk caught on camera).... Based on that little factoid, I wouldn't give anyone my email address who has spent time pondering the meaning of life in a prison jump suit.
* * *

i love to c u agel i love to be ur men

I can't remember the last time someone called me an "agel", but I'm pretty sure that when they did, my husband beat the mustard seeds out of him. He's really all the "men" I need. Thanks, but no thanks. (Plus I really don't like run-on sentences that use "txt msging" language, it's just annoying - you have a FULL KEYBOARD on a computer, use it.)
* * *
Dear v.
Your blog is very nice ang interesting. Could I advertise your blog in my blog. Thank you. If you like, you can send me 1$.

Thank you for your kind offer and compliments. Yes, that's JUST the type of advertising I was looking for - not only can I have my blog advertised all over Chao-Chiang, China BUT I could get MORE offers for $1 merchandise and services that are just as moronic. Oh, and to continue to receive these spam messages are just terrific. As difficult as it may be, I will have to decline.
Best,
~v.v.
* * *
said thankyol bamela

Not sure if I should thank YOU for your message, or be offended that you called me "bamela". Now I have that song, "Whoa, Black Betty! Bam-ba-lam!" in my head.

* * *
that is the frest maessge i see the photo i fell that i lik to sbeek with you

Wow! Not sure I understand (even remotely) what you mean by this, but I hope that you go to a real spa for that massage and you speak to a professional about your beak. People shouldn't have foul mouths.

* * *
I saw your profile on my composed blog and i was amazed that a lady could come to seek for my attention i am 37 years of age , i live in Netherlands from and single and hope to meet you someday

send me mails if you would like to conjoin or correlate in friendship

hope you will accept me
addy

Dear addy,
Thank you for your message. Sounds like you need much more composure than Mozart could put in a symphony -and trust me, I'm not the one who's playing an instrument in your Dutch orchestra.
Cheers,
~v.v.