The Sarcastic Manifesto

Cryptic Post 1 of..........

2006-09-03T21:00:00.000-05:00

Testosterone Laden Rants and Raves

2006-08-07T08:56:00.000-05:00

****Coming Soon****

Stay Tuned.....

The Traditional

2006-08-02T11:42:00.000-05:00

First of the month post...

Football is coming...I am stoked. I had an in-depth conversation with Touchdown Jesus over wine about the state of Notre Dame Football. He told me that the Irish will win the national championship this year.

Are you doubting Touchdown Jesus?

Surprise!

2006-07-26T15:24:00.000-05:00

A member of NSYNC is gay...WHAT!...it can't be. Seriously, I am about as surprised to hear this as I was when I found out Charlie Brown from out of town was Jimmy Valiant. It is funny that Lance Bass campaigned so hard ( no Pun intended) to go to space..he really wanted to be an ASStronaut. (pun intended)

It's a New Month

2006-07-01T11:42:00.000-05:00

Time for some changes....

I decided to clean up my side bar a tad bit. If you notice there is a new section called "Support Internet Writers." Visit the links, there really is some great writing out there. If you are a writer and would like for me to post a link to your site email me @ john.doe.valentino@gmail.com.

Just a little of what I have been up to:

I have slowly been working on a comic. I am keeping the name under wraps for now.

I have decided to revive The Church of the Holy Vagina. I am going to take a different direction with it this time. Hopefully it will go live this month.

And finally to the guy that emailed me about reviewing your game...I am going to do that this weekend. I have been there, played it and enjoyed it. Look for that in the next day or so.

Have a happy and safe 4th and remember keep the sparklers an arm's length away from your eyebrows.

Queer Eye For the Superhero

2006-06-28T08:28:00.000-05:00

I saw Superman Returns last night. I have a few comments...

Superman doesn't really fly, he PeterPan floats.

Lex Luther is not the villain that Superman fights with...he is fighting with coming to terms with his homosexuality.

Here is my review.

GAY!

666

2006-06-06T14:00:00.000-05:00

So bad things are supposed to happen today......

Well, considering the true number of the beast is 616, I highly doubt that the antichrist will show up at your door today unless you really hate Jehovah's Witnesses. Slayer is also putting out a new CD today, so I guess if you hate Slayer that's a bad thing. \M/ Probably the worst thing that will happen is the pizza guy rings your doorbell and he is 15 minutes late with your pizza. That's Hell!

Have a good Devil's Day everyone and I will celebrate this day by enjoying a viewing of The Omen this evening. See you heathens there......

Where's JDV?

2006-06-01T08:26:00.000-05:00

Right here!

It's been a while since I wrote anything here , so I figured I would drop a quick line to let my fans know that I am still alive. I don't really do email unless I know you so that's why I don't reply. I am an elitist and quite frankly I am better than most of you.

I have been busy with a few projects as of late. Projects that will be unveiled soon. I have been dealing with a personal issue that is finally over. I will probably blog about that too after I get things in order with the new projects. I know you're just chomping at the bit to read that you voyeuristic fuckers.

A couple quick JDV movie reviews:

The Da Vinci Code

The best part of this movie was watching TomHanks' hair constantly try to run away from his forehead. Actually I could have taken a pretty awesome nap if the guy in front of me wasn't snoring so loud.

The X-Men: The Last Stand

I thought the kids were going to revolt in this movie. The first hour and a half was about as boring as watching a conversation between two vegetables. The last 30 minutes were pretty good. I would give my left and right nut to do unspeakable things to Jean Gray. Wait! without nuts I would be an action figure...how cool would that be? It's a win win situation.

That's enough for now, stay tuned I will post the projects here when they are finished. Until then in the genius words of REO Speedwagon... keep the fire burning.

Random Thoughts, Questions, Observations, and What Not

2006-05-13T21:25:00.000-05:00

Does the guy that runs Martian Anthropology have stock in Blog Explosion? Every time I surf Martian Anthropology is ALWAYS the first blog that comes up.

Why is blog not considered a word in Microsoft Works? Hasn’t everyone jumped on the blog train? What are you waiting for Mr. Gates?

Why are ugly people allowed to breed? Haven’t you learned by now ugly + ugly = well ugly.

Boston Legal is still the best show on T.V.

Why do the Black Panthers call themselves the Black Panthers? Isn’t use of the word black overkill?

Jenna Jameson is the perfect woman if you can get past the fact that she has had more cocks than the woman in the shoe.

Why do we have Yield signs? The majority of idiots stop at them, just make them Stop signs and help lower intelligent people’s insurance premiums.

Melon Collie and the Infinite Sadness is the greatest double record ever.

Why is it called the Special Olympics? I know Laugh Olympics is taken but it’s more fitting.

I am thinking about starting a church. Everyone should worship me.

When I go to the movie theater and order a small soda I do not want the special. If I had wanted the 10 dollar special I would have said give me the special.

Taco Bell employees never get my order right.

Axe body wash lies! According to the directions, all I have to do is lather up, wash off and I will have two chicks waiting for me when I get out of the shower. This is not true.

Everyone knows they will keep watching American Idol even though Chrome Dome is gone…Why…because everyone loves a retard…Go Taylor!

Four days to Californians is actually five to Virginians. Yeah my power supply didn’t arrive in four days like I was promised.

Drugs turned Leif Garrett from a teen heart throb to looking like a pedophile.

Gene Simmons’ record Asshole is lyrically the most retarded album ever.

Why does Poison continue to tour?

Ashley Parker Angel actually has talent unfortunately he has a fucking stupid name.

Why can’t people distinguish between your and you’re?

Jaywalking carries a fine but having five children by five different fathers gets you government support…come on now.

Porn movies give out false hope. Men can not last for 45 minutes doing all sorts of nasty thing to women and the majority of women do not like to take a point blank shot to the face.

A Higher Being Exists !

2006-05-11T10:28:00.000-05:00

and he/she hates me.....

It's safe to say that this hasn't been one of the best weeks of my life. No the Black Panthers did not come to "deal with me directly." I went to the beach last week and contracted some sort of virus. I would say it's the bird flu but I have had that twice in the last year so I am going to say this is just an annoying cold. Anyway it has been accompanied by a headache that has just made it damn near impossible for me to write. (OK I am just lazy, you caught me)

Back to why the Higher Being hates me....I woke up Monday to a powerless tivo. If you have tivo you know this is one of your biggest fears coming true. I seriously thought I was just having a nightmare from the drugs...so I pinched myself...it hurt...and still no power.

I looked down and the tivo was still plugged in. Bad sign! So I unplugged the damn thing, let it set for a minute, then plugged it back in. I had lights! Rejoice! But wait! the lights were stuck. The fucking thing was locked up and on that annoying blank screen. You would think that the creators of such electronics would have designed some screen that basically says "you're fucked" when your shit craps out. I know I would.

The really bad thing is the tivo decided to die during one of the best weeks of television. Shows are wrapping up their seasons and I have grown used to not having to watch commercials. I'm distraught.

OK, so I call tivo and do a little research. First tivo support is useless. I explained my problem and by this time I knew the solution. My power supply had went bad. I told this to miss tivo and she responded with it's not that BUT if it is just put an old stereo power supply in the tivo, it should work. Work at what..burning down my fucking house? Jesus Christ!

So I order a power supply, it should be here tomorrow and hopefully this crisis will be over.

Walking With a Black Panther

2006-05-01T20:34:00.000-05:00

Two posts in one day is rare for me. I couldn't let this slide though....so the "NEW" Black Panthers held a protest today at Duke University to "deal directly" with the Lacrosse players accused of raping that stripper.

OK first let me get this out of the way in no way do I condone rape. With that being said , this chick was not raped. She worked for a fucking escort service if anything she may have a civil case for a bad business transaction, but that's about it.

A few facts:

The chick has cried rape in the past. She lied.

No one on the lacrosse team matched the DNA evidence.

She picked the lacrosse players from a line up that was fucking pictures of JUST the lacrosse team. How insane is this? Anyone that has ever watched a cop show knows that you insert placebos in the line up. I guess the D.A. never saw N.Y.P.D. Blue.

Oh yeah and one of the kids that she accused of raping her is seen on tape at an ATM at near the time of the rape getting money.

So what do the Black Panthers do? They decide to be this chick's knights in shining armor. Do you think they would be protesting and "dealing directly" with these kids if they were black? Hell no!

The leader of the group Malcolm Shabazz is quoted saying "We are conducting an independent investigation , and we intend to enter the campus and interview the lacrosse players." Who died and made this guy Grissom? Durham has a capable police staff Mr. Shazaam.

I saw a picture of this NEW Black Panther group and they looked more like a bunch of rappers sporting assault rifles than a political group with intentions of bettering the African American race. Do you really think it's a good idea to instill this image of violence in African American youth? I mean black on black crime is pretty fucking high...wouldn't it suit a group that preached " Black Power" better if they tried to curb that instead of coming to Duke University and attempting to impose their will.... I think so!

The truth is if this had been black kids accused of raping this girl they would be non-existent. It's much easier to look outside to find the nemesis. Same for Jesse Jackson, he would have never agreed to pay her tuition through college if the accusers had been black. And that my friends is fucked up! Racism is alive and well in the United States and it just isn't being perpetuated by rednecks in white sheets.

Another Shazaam comment because he is just so fucking intelligent.....

"We as black men cannot sit idly by and allow white men to rape black women, regardless of what our sister (who by nature is a queen and a divine black woman) was doing,"

What! this guy is a fucking idiot...as a black man he can not sit by and allow white men to rape black women...ha ha and fucking ha! give me a fucking break.... Are we Vikings now, are we savages? Nice Jesus attitude but I see you have blinders on when it comes to black kids killing other black kids over some drug bullshit. For the record black on black crime is a threat to the African American race not the white man. It may be a bitter pill to swallow Shazaam but all I can tell you is to drink a lot of water, it's the truth.

So a Few Lawns Will Not Get Mowed Today

2006-05-01T09:30:00.000-05:00

Big fucking deal! I am sick and tired of hearing about this immigrant walk out today. The thing is these people are here illegally. For those that do not know illegal means a violation of the law. What happens when you break the law...you go to jail. Let these illegal immigrants protest...it's easier to send them back if they are in one place.

They are complaining that America does not appreciate them...no shit...they are here illegally, Jesus Christ! So they decide to stop working , wave their native flag (not the American flag) in hopes that America will start to appreciate them. That is almost as stupid as not holding the walk out on Cinco de Mayo. Think about it at least on Cinco de Mayo everyone could have gotten drunk over this stupid shit. I say don't deport them for being illegal, deport them for being stupid, this country has it's share of native born stupidity.

The fact is if we opened our borders to everyone, they all would come. It would be worse than buffet steak night at the local Sizzler. I don't doubt their work ethic. I get the best service at a Mexican restaurant. My chips are at the table before I am and believe me I appreciate them for that. It shows in my tip.

And to the Americans that bitch that immigrants are taking their jobs...this is your chance...get out there today while they are out crying and tell their employers you want a job and you can start immediately.

That is not going to happen because the majority of people that bitch about immigrants stealing their jobs are people that don't want a fucking job in the first place. They want to live off of you and I. They need the "Mexican stole my job" argument to plead their case. Illegal immigrants can't get welfare so they have to work , maybe we should start labeling lazy unwilling to work motherfuckers that drive Escalades that I am paying for illegal...now we are getting somewhere.

I guess I will not be eating at the Mexican restaurant tonight. That really fucking shows me....I'm in the mood for Chinese anyway.

Risin' Up, Back on the Streets

2006-04-29T15:08:00.000-05:00

I wanted to come up with a catchy title for this post and quite frankly "Survivor" by Destiny's Child just wasn't doing it for me. So I went with that great 80's band Survivor, which can still be seen playing county fairs. How can you go wrong with "Eye of the Tiger?"

I figured I would share my thoughts on this season's Survivor. First I have to say Terry is a beast, the most dominant physically I have ever seen on Survivor. The guy has won everything...but he isn't too bright when it comes to common sense. You would think that he would have learned by now that trying to find an ally in Danielle is like taking a cheating spouse back....odds are they are going to continue giving you crabs.

So the other night Do'prah (Cheire) devised a plan to get rid of Courtney. Why? I will tell you because she is catty. She just doesn't like Courtney, no one does, BUT everyone can beat Courtney in the finals. So what do they do....they get rid of Courtney. Let's take a closer look at the genius move...

-Everyone feels that if they get to the finals against Terry they will win.

OK, if that is truly the case...get rid of the strongest threat to beat Terry. That would be Aras. The group's logic is completely fucked up. They chose to get rid of the only person (that they feel) Terry could win against in the finale. None of them will beat Aras in the finale.

The idiots do not realize what they did yet. As long as Terry continues to win, which I don't see why he won’t, he will win thanks to their retarded gameplay.....

There are seven people on the jury. You need four votes to win.

Austin and Sally will definitely vote for Terry...That's two votes.

Bruce will vote for whom he thinks deserves to win...That's three votes for Terry.

By blindsiding Courtney last night they just lost her vote....That's four votes for Terry.

And that is a win.

Congrats dumb assess.

Daily Briefing

2006-04-16T14:33:00.000-05:00

Yeah I know I don't update daily and I am not planning on starting. I just thought that looked somewhat professional so I ran with it. Where is part II of the Expose you ask...good question..it's coming, maybe tomorrow if I can get my lazy ass to write it.

In other news I have decided to close Pop Goes Your Culture. It was being neglected and when things get neglected they tend to stray so I didn't want my blog cheating on me so I ended things. Fear not though it was a clean break.

Happy Easter to All!

A Five Part Expose Into the Wacky World of the Apocalyptics: Part I

2006-04-11T10:35:00.000-05:00

Part I: See This is the Type of Shit I am Talking About

I found this little code on someone's page while blog surfing. Apparently I can't add a java script to a post so I will make a little section for this in my sidebar. Now the only question that I have about this is...if so many people are dying and the majority are going to hell aren't the odds in favor of Hell being a happening place? Just a thought.

From my research into the preaching of hellfire and damnation I have noticed that there is a lot of deceiving going on. Oh yeah that's right I said deceiving, but when it's done in the name of the Lord it's called witnessing. These preachers are taking the wrong approach...they are making Heaven out to be a sheep farm...face it, you fuckers deceive and I have proof so you might as well start telling people that Heaven is full of strippers and a blowjob from Jenna Jameson is waiting for you on cloud 13.

Hell it works for those crazy ass suicide bombers. They think they are getting 72 virgins...I'd take Jenna any day over that.

Like I said this is going to be a five part series into why Apocalyptical preaching will always be viewed as kooky. After this I am probably retiring from the blog world. So I hope you all enjoy the final ramblings of JDV. For those that read that have known me through the years at various other places and have asked countless times when am I coming back.....you will have that answer soon.

Next up: Part II : Hell isn't for Happy People, The Preacher Said So!

Solving the World's Problems: One Ebola Strain at a Time

2006-04-10T08:40:00.000-05:00

As I was killing time last night (OK procrastinating) I stumbled upon an interesting article in The Citizen Scientist.

To Kill a Population with Ebola

A few things:

I don't see what the big hoopla is about this, it's not new. You have one mad scientist preaching about exterminating 90 % of the Earth's population with the most rocking infectious disease today, so what! The guy is an ecologist. Without a doubt he pays more attention to the environment than most of us. Odds are he is pretty passionate about preserving the environment as well...so it goes without saying that sitting back watching people destroy the environment in various ways pisses him off. Also being a scientist I am sure that he is fascinated by Ebola, hell I am and I'm no scientist.

Let me pose this question...Would his lecture have been memorable if he spoke about the evils of SUVs, the depletion of the ozone layer, etc...No because that has been said ad nauseam. People would have forgotten his lecture before they walked out of the door. So he is being raked over the coals for offering an extreme solution to the "evils" in the world. Wait! that sounds like something else ....hmmmm.....what is it...it's on the tip of my tongue......oh yeah, apocalyptic preachers!

This guy's answer to the worlds problems is straight from the book of an apocalyptic preacher. Hell, he even mentions the Four Horsemen. So why are the preachers not being raked over the coals? I mean they preach painful death and torture in the form of Hell, he preaches it in the form of Ebola which is painful but only last two days....Hell is forever! This guy is a humanitarian compared to apocalyptic preachers. I am willing to bet he is less annoying to listen to as well. Have you ever watched those preachers on TV? Why is it that they all turn red, I swear it looks like a heart attack is just a breath away....no need to be so animated...I get it, I am a sinner , I am going to Hell, blah blah, blah.....

Another thing Ebola isn't the answer. It's too fast, he should know this....the reason the outbreaks are so limited is the virus is like Speedy Gonzales. Just like any other virus it needs a host to replicate, the problem with Ebola is it kills the host so fast that it actually kills itself off. There is no way that it could wipe out 90 % of the Earth's population, would make for a good movie though.

Anyway I am sticking to my theory that we should just banish the stupid people to their own island. That way I wouldn't have to watch those apocalyptic preachers as they attempt to spontaneously combust ever again.

My Middle Name Should Be Lumbar

2006-04-07T09:57:00.000-05:00

Cause just like I prophesized I am back. Yeah, yeah, yeah I know I have used that before, but the alternative was “My Middle Name Should Be Herpes, Cause Just Like I Prophesized, I Have Returned.” Quite frankly that is less than appealing unless you are a Valtrex rep, which I am not…so Lumbar it is.

This could be a long post it really depends on my level of rambling. You ever notice that it takes old people a day and half to tell a five minute story? See that is what I call level 5 rambling…I am going to try to avoid that for those suffering from ADD.

So as we know I went on Sabbatical…did I find the inner peace that can only come from Jesus…close, but I will get to that later. First I feel the need to spiel about Wal-Mart again. Wal-Mart is the closest thing in America to an exile island for the clinically stupid.

My sabbatical consisted of a beach stay so after I checked into my room I headed out to see a few sights. Time passed by as it usually does at the beach and I found myself looking for a place to buy soda. It’s odd because in the off season everything closes early at the beach, not that I am complaining because I hate people, but unfortunately that only leaves Wal-Mart as a place to purchase my beverage of choice. For a moment I thought that I had died because as I have previously stated my hell will consist of having to buy soda at Wal-Mart . I got a taste of that Hell Monday night and it was rather frightening.

I go to Wal-Mart to pick up some drinks. There is no one in there so I expected only two or three of the fifty registers to be open. I was wrong…there was one register open and it was in the middle of the store. OK I am not really lazy but hear me out…Wal-Mart closes one entrance after 11. That is always the entrance opposite of the grocery side. So wouldn’t you think they would have a register open on the grocery side….exactly!

Well… they didn’t and not only that, they had the middle of the store roped off for floor buffering BUT the only register that was open happened to be in the middle of the fucking store. Are you seeing my predicament? Hell I tell you.

I have to walk in front of the closed registers to get to the check out. At this point I am thinking about just walking out with my items, no one is paying attention and it would serve them right. I decide against that and walk toward the abyss of stupidity known as the middle register. Once there I am entertained by a somewhat less than intelligent (fucking stupid) cashier as she attempts to determine if the 6’6” kid in front of me is old enough to buy cigarettes. Of course she had to get a second opinion… so another less than intelligent employee comes over and hits us with this winner as she looks at the kid’s license….” It looks like his nose”…what the fuck!

The kid gets his smokes and it’s my turn. I just had to ask why the only register open was in the middle of the store and the middle of the store was roped off. I was informed that it’s because the middle of the store is where the cigarettes are and the “associates” complain about having to walk to the middle of the store to get the smokes for the customers. The condensed version…Wal Mart employees are lazy.

The next day I am off to see wildlife. I visit this place that has all types of reptiles. As I am walking through the snake exhibit I stumble upon a King Cobra. He was not too pleased with me. It must have been something that I said…as you can tell by the picture I pissed him off. I started looking around for a man with a towel on his head and flute to try to calm the savage beast down but there was none to be found. Luckily for me there was thick glass separating the two of us, maybe men need this thick glass between them and a woman when they argue…just a thought.

After my nature adventures I walked around visiting the shops and let me just say I was not prepared for what I was about to “witness.” I stumbled upon a shop called “Witness Wear.” Yep…it was a Jesus shop, but not your typical Jesus store…I took a few pics of the shirts with my phone.

How great are they? I mean instead of John Deere…John Three Sixteen, instead of Mountain Dew…Meant to Die, and the Pedro shirt is just “Jesus Awesome.” So as I am walking around admiring the shirts the chick behind the counter speaks up and asks me if I am a believer….of course I am a believer…I believe these shirts are funnier than a one legged man trying to kick a field goal. The chick then told me that she hoped her shirts rocked my socks off…well no they didn’t but they did inspire me.

Here are a few examples of shirts that I came up with after seeing that store. I guess you could say I felt the spirit move me. If anyone tries to steal them I will sue you like my name was Metallica and I caught you downloading Enter Sandman.

I really hope Mountain Dew is on sale and the middle of Hell isn’t barricaded.

Sleep Don't Come Easy When You're Stuck In Such a Sickly Paradise

2006-04-03T10:36:00.000-05:00

I had that verse stuck in my head this morning. For those that do not know that is from the obscure band Green Apple Quickstep. Their album Reloaded is killer, if you ever see it in the used bin check it out.

By the way , the Jesus thing was a April Fools joke. With that being said I am off to Sabbatical. I am going to leave Jesus up though because today I will be traveling south and guess what... my entire trip is under a tornado watch. Good times ahead. I have my camera so maybe I will be a storm chaser.

Not sure exactly when I will be back so everyone be safe and have fun. Fear not though just like a vertebrae, I will be back.

Forgive Me Father For I Have Sinned

2006-04-01T16:32:00.000-05:00

Again and again.....I was washing my car this afternoon I felt a sudden calming come over me. At first I thought it was just the nice breeze cutting through the humid air but I was wrong. I continued to wash my car as the calm intesified. It was then that I reached into the bucket of suds to get my wash cloth that I saw it. I saw Jesus staring at me through the soap suds. I shook my head and recollected my thoughts but it was real...Jesus was looking at me. He did not speak but he did not have to. He was disappointed in me. It was at this point that I had an epiphany....I had sinned!

I have made fun of people , every race including the metally handicapped. I am so ashamed. From this point foward I am dedicating this blog to the Christian way and I am going to live a Christian lifestyle which will begin with me going to church tomorrow...praise the Lord!

I highly suggest that everyone who has ever read my blog and laughed at some of the mean and "not Christian" things that I have said do the same. Life is short and hell is hot.

Amen!

" Repent therefore and be converted, that your sins may be blotted out, so that times of refreshing may come from the presence of the Lord." (Acts 3:19)

Doing My Part to Educate Taco Bell Employees

2006-03-29T22:33:00.000-05:00

Every fucking time that I go to Taco Bell I order a Pepsi. Why Pepsi when I am addicted to Mountain Dew...who knows, chalk it up to one of life's great little mysteries. Anyway I order Pepsi and what do I always get....Dr. Pepper.

How is this possible? It doesn't happen at Burger King. Why is this epidemic of stupidity only quarantined to Taco Bell? These people speak English , even though they work at a Mexican fast food joint, they are not Mexican. I mean I could somewhat see confusing a Gordita with a Chalupa, but Pepsi with Dr. Pepper come on! The taste is distinctively different for one, for two Pepsi starts with a P and Dr. Pepper starts with a D, and finally the Pepsi emblem is BLUE and the Dr. Pepper is Maroon or some shit like that.

Too bad these people can not be deported.

Attention Men: JDV Has Something to Say

2006-03-27T12:21:00.000-05:00

This is something that most men refuse to acknowledge but women are smarter than men. I know that’s a hard blow to male ego but the sooner you accept it the better off you will be. Now…don’t go questioning my ability to stand erect (yes pun intended). I have a backbone but I am also secure enough to accept that women are smart. Hell, the majority of the ditzy blondes know full well what they are doing and you know it works for them. They can get most men to give them anything they want. So I ask this question…who is the smart one in that equation?

OK on to the article I just read at askmen.com. It’s entitled “6 Ways to Tell Your Girl to Lose Some Weight.”, a better title would have been “Six Ways to End Up Penniless, Homeless and Alone.”

First of all there is no way to tell your girl she needs to lose some weight. If you love her so what if she adds on a few pounds. Newsflash….if she has put on some weight I am sure she already knows this without your subtle hints. Subtle hints will piss women off, trust me I know from experience…just get to the fucking point if you’re going to do it. I highly recommend though if you love this woman just accept the weight gain as a way of life. The majority of people add weight at some point in their lives. She doesn’t bitch about your sagging nuts does she?

Now that we have a little background let’s look at this idiot’s ways to tell a girl she needs to lose weight and cut past the bullshit of this article and get to the truth.

1- "I don't like the way that outfit looks on you anymore."

Every woman has a go-to getup. If you don't know it, you don't know her well enough to discuss her flabby stomach. The only thing that could ever change the way an outfit looks is the way it fits. Tell her you aren't sure why it looks odd, suggest a looser knit, and watch her forever skip the nachos with cheese.

This isn’t going to work and it’s going to be costly. Notice how this fool says she will skip the nachos…bullshit what she is going to do if you say something so asinine to her is take YOUR credit card and go buy about 5 new go-to getups. Why your card you ask , because you were stupid enough to think this shit would work…you deserve to pay 30 percent interest on that dumb shit.

2- "I can't get over how fat I feel."

Women have been commiserating with each other for eons about the thickness of their thighs. If you launch a pity-party of your own about how heavy you feel, and let her know at every turn, she'll become fat-obsessed by osmosis. Women have been doing it to each other since the dawn of public washrooms.

Ha! Yeah this is really going to work. First of all men well straight men do not go around complaining about feeling fat. What the fuck is this author smoking? If you launch a pity party it is going to turn her off for one thing. Second if you run around crying about feeling fat and you are but she isn’t saying anything to you about your weight gain that tells you something. Thirdly, if you whine about being fat constantly she may think you are cheating on her….with a MAN!

3- "Your friend isn't nearly as attractive since she gained that weight."

Be careful. Delivery is everything. Pick her homeliest friend and let your most outrageous BS fly. Pick an attractive pal, and you'll be explaining your wandering eye till you give her a ring. Focus on the improbable target, and she'll be thinking that if you find her bookworm buddy hefty, perhaps a diet should be on her docket.

Do I even need to address this one? This is like playing Russian roulette with five bullets in the gun. Take this advice and you deserve what you get. Picking her homeliest friend isn’t the answer…woman are constantly gauging the level of attractiveness of other women, including their friends. If you choose her “ugly” friend then she will think you will sleep with anything. If you are going to crash and burn at least choose the hot chick…Jesus Christ!

* Side Note* If you are stupid enough to try this approach understand that your woman already knows she has put on a little weight…so by you saying her friend is less attractive for it she knows you are saying she is less attractive as well…you’re welcome.

4- "I have a new female trainer at the gym."

She'll never suggest fewer trips to the gym, but it will drive her bonkers to think that another woman is spotting your squat thrusts. She'll sign up and show up within 24 hours just to keep an eye on you.

Again…ha! No way in hell this works. The only thing I have to say about this ridiculous approach is if you enjoy having sex with your woman do not follow this advice. You will not have to worry about defining your thighs from squats, your bigger worry will be is my left wrist that much bigger than my right and is it noticeable.

5- "The saleswoman said it was for smaller women."

If you want your baby to shed some baby fat, spend a couple of bucks on a nice little fashion piece a couple of sizes out of her reach. If she is thin in your eyes, and the only thing telling her otherwise is a piece of clothing, she'll work morning, noon and night to fit into that cursed thing.

Notice how this idiot says she will work 24/7 to fit into that thing. No she won’t…she will get pissed at you for not paying attention to her and knowing her size. This is going to cost you because when she takes it back she is going to get 5 more things in her size. Serves you right I say for being retarded.

6- "Let's help each other lose a couple of pounds?"

Let's face it. If you tell your girlfriend to lose some weight, she'll withdraw your all-access pass to her wonderful folds. But an honest commitment to work together to become fitter and shed some unwanted girth can only be met with the excitement that your investment in her is the same as what she is willing to invest in you. Losing weight is no small task. Make her sure you're worth it.

This is the only one that is even remotely intelligent. If weight gain bothers you so much this is probably the best approach to take. It’s funny I had a talk with a friend last night about the way I word some things that get me in trouble. If you word you this the way the author said you are going to get in trouble. A better approach is to say something along the lines of “I need to get in shape and I don’t really want to go to the gym alone, will you go with me?” Hell it may not work but at least you won’t be sleeping on the couch for the next two weeks if you word it that way.

The telling thing about this article is I really think it was written by a woman. Which makes it right fucking hysterical, she knows men are not as smart as women and she is just leading the lambs to slaughter…well fear not men JDV is your savior.

Do not follow this article and if you need more proof here is the smoking gun.

“Remember men, to influence her decision to lose weight while avoiding any sore feelings is to make everything about you. How you feel, what you think, what your opinion is; these are the things that will separate you just enough from the battle that is ultimately hers. The minute you make it about what you think she's doing wrong, you're dead meat, and we're all coming after you.”

Even brain dead men know it's always about the woman….lambs to the slaughter I tell ya.

Here is the article…..

Article to get men in trouble

So I Was Over at Vix’s Blog….

2006-03-13T17:34:00.000-05:00

I have been reading a lot of blogs lately and quite frankly the majority of them are boring, so what, unless you are a ninja or a porn star life in general is boring. Anyway I read somewhere that the majority of posts start out with “so” or “OK.” I wanted to ensure my first class seat on the cliché ride.

Enough babbling…I read Vix's post about the critique from some blog review site. You know I figured from the attention the reviewer ( I have to add here that I have no idea which one reviewed it and don’t really care, I will get to that in a little while) gave to the template that she would have the apex of templates. Oh how I was wrong.

I go to this site and to my horror I am confronted with Powerpuff Girls…that’s right…I did not stutter…I said…POWERPUFF GIRLS. Powerpuff Girls really wig me out because they look like little superheroes suffering from Down Syndrome. Something else that bothers me is when parents allow their children to cuss like 50 Cent after someone steals his glock…oh wait these people are adults…my mistake.

After the initial Powerpuff shock I notice there is this little template generator that allows me to change templates. The Powerpuff template has to be a joke right? I mean these people are rude, witty, sarcastic, etc. Surely it’s a joke…nope…apparently not.

I’ll get to the other templates in a few minutes. It’s not like you have anywhere else to be.

In the review this person also critiqued the sidebar as well as the names of the sections. Hmmmm…. let’s look at their sidebar, here is the rundown on the named sections of the Powerpuff template:

Puffs My Ass
Shit-Chat
BitchSlapped

I get it; let’s add naughty words to give a rebel feel to our Powerpuff Girl image. Cute! Oh yeah Ike called and said “Bitchslapped” went out about the same time Tina’s career did.

The amount of blinkies and buttons were also mentioned in the review. Here is a quote:

“I don’t think I’ve ever seen so many buttons and blinkies - it’s a fucking mess.”

Sure you have Ray Charles, look at yours. Your sidebar looks like two kids got into their daddy’s liquor cabinet, got drunk and threw up all over the fucking place.

I just have to ask, what’s up with the guy with that wicked neck problem? A chiropractor could probably “straighten” that out for you. Seriously though… I look at the players and that leads me to a Miss Cleo moment. I picture “Christopher’s Cartoon Angels.”

I click the next template and…..

IT'S CHARLIES ANGELS! I should have played the fucking lottery today. Actually I would have been one number off because it’s not Charlie’s Angels, that guy could be a stunt double for Christopher Lowell. It’s definitely Christopher’s Angels.

Another thing about these templates is the cutesy little way that they change with every page turn. I’m kidding it’s not cute it’s annoying as fuck. I felt like I was stuck in channel surfing hell and the only two channels were Lifetime and Nickelodeon.

I’m bored of the templates; ADD is kicking in, so let’s move on.

I notice a little link at the top of the page that states “We'd like to save you from making yourself look like an idiot.” This should be good.

It’s a list of things the author has so graciously typed out to save me from looking like an idiot. Wow, maybe I should have looked here before I started this post…no I’m good.

Let’s see…

I shall paraphrase, I hope that is OK.

Rule number one to avoid looking like an idiot states:

They all think alike. Looks like I made the right call about not caring which one said what.

Rule number two to avoid looking like an idiot states:

Well it doesn’t really state anything. My only question is, I wonder if Christopher ever gets tired of being called a bitch?

Rule number three to avoid looking look like an idiot states:

Oh it’s a legal one…blah, blah, blah, I do have to quote here:

“If you see your pathetic blog here being reviewed by someone against your will there isn't anything legally you can do about it.”

Amen sista preach on!

Rule number four to avoid looking like an idiot states:

Not important. It just basically says that they have the right to run off at the mouth.

Now this is the interesting one…

Rule number five to avoid looking like an idiot states:

The “bitches” don’t list their personal blogs. The reason for this is the sidebar is too long as it is… gotcha! The telling thing about this is... even though she offers to give up her “other blog” if you ask she is pretty defensive about it, almost to the point of being violent. Here is another quote from Hostile Nancy:

“I am the same exact person on this blog that I am in real life. Wanna try me? Come over. I'll bitch slap you at my fucking door.”

Tell you what “fists of fury” I’ll warn the Witnesses and the pizza delivery man about you greeting with a bitch slap. How about that? In rule number 4 she claims she isn’t bitter or angry…again…gothca!

She goes on to say the other bitches may or may not give up their blogs for you to read. This doesn’t surprise me because after a little further research I am here to debunk “the long side bar” theory.

In her diatribe Hostile Nancy writes:

“I'm not taking up another fucking mile to put each bitches personal information on it.”

Fair enough but bullshit. There is a “more about us” section that details the personality of each contributor to the site. Hey look…you could put links to your blogs there! The problem with the ever expanding side bar is solved…you’re welcome.

The truth is you do not want to “see your pathetic blog being reviewed against your will.”

I have to admit I did not read any other reviews because the one that I read was so asinine. The only thing that you are qualified to review is colon polyps, because your head is stuck so far up your ass.

MySpace Is Not Part of the Curriculum

2006-03-04T14:06:00.000-05:00

I was surfing the tech section on USA Today and came across this article, MySpace Drama!

OK first off I realize kids today are spawns of Satan. So any type of threat needs to be looked at carefully. With that being said, the schools do not raise your fucking children even though some parents would like for them to.

It's been a while since I was in school, but when I was there you got suspended for shit that you did while IN school. You got your ass beat for shit you did at home. It is insane to suspend students for joining some stupid I Hate "insert name here” group. Hey, the girl may be a bitch, you never know. I hate many people, in fact I really hate Bob Saget...I would join a "I Hate Bob Saget" group. If the leader of this group decides one day that they want to post a message about ripping Mr' Saget's nightmarish head off of his body and sticking it up his ass it does not mean I agree with it. Kids are impressionable but I highly doubt this little retard has the charisma of Jim Jones.

This is no different. The kids joined a I Hate so and so group, so fucking what...kids are cruel, this isn't breaking news. The group can be easily deleted. Those kids should not be suspended. Now the kid that started the group has issues, his parents should deal with him...not the school. Expelling this kid is going to do absolutely nothing but make him more of a degenerate. The school is taking the easy way out by washing their hands of the situation. This kid may need help or he may just be expressing himself in a way that is not acceptable. Either way, talk to the fucking kid; he did nothing at school so he shouldn't be expelled. Hell, I would probably be a 35 year old junior in high school if that logic was used for shit that I did at home away from school. Give me a fucking break.

I really think the parents of the suspended students should start a I Hate "whatever that principle's name is" group, because he is a mean doodie-head.

Hi..I'm JDV and I'm a Procrastinator

2006-03-02T21:55:00.000-05:00

Is there a 12 step program for procrastination?

I've had a story idea in my head for a few weeks now. The story is called "A Love Called Catastrophe". There is a link to it in my sidebar. I will put up the first chapter entitled " Devils Dance on the Tombstones of the Dead" sometime next week. As I said in the post that blogger deleted, it's a love story but not for the weak at heart.

I have also started another blog called Pop Goes Your Culture. Again the link is in the sidebar. Why another blog you may ask...good question...I like to write a lot about pop culture..tv shows, music, movies etc...I wanted to keep it somewhat seperate from this blog.

In that blog you can expect cd reviews, survivor bitching, etc.

Visit often, admission is free and the restrooms are clean.

File This Under: I Know I'm Going to Hell

2006-02-28T11:35:00.000-05:00

Living in the “Bible Belt” I see my share of religious connotations on a daily basis. Probably the most frequent is the ever so popular “Jesus Saves” wooden sign. But just what does Jesus save? The signs never tell you. It’s like a cliffhanger…you drive further down the country road to see if the story continues. Did he save the seventh game of the World Series? Did he rescue a cat from a tree? Come on people you have to tell us what he saved. Hell, even Weight Watchers has at least one testimonial on their billboards. If you need to get a bigger piece of wood, I’m sure there is one behind the shed.

I was driving the other day and came across this on a church marquee… “Don’t Forget Jesus”. My first thought was…how embarrassing…the church has called out some absent-minded Mexican family for leaving their kid at church. I wonder how many times you have to forget your kid to reach marquee status. Seriously how can anyone forget Jesus? He is every where; he is to everyday life as the movie “Grease” is to HBO. In other words…he is on all of the time.

Another of my favorite church marquees is “Your Worth Comes From God”. Oh Yeah…well tell the big guy I am in need of a raise. You know believing in God is great but it doesn’t pay your bills unless your name is Jesse Jackson. I know, I know…self worth…well that doesn’t pay your bills either. You can be God’s right hand man or woman and help old ladies across the street but if you do not have your mortgage payment the bank will come and take your house. The bank is the Devil.

The most disturbing marquee that I have seen was ironically at a Catholic church. Are you ready for this? It read “Bring the Little Ones Unto Me”. What! I had to turn around and make sure that I actually passed a church and not a Michael Jackson concert. Organized religion is seriously its own worst enemy.

My all time favorite is the “Prepare to Meet God” tin sign. These signs are usually strategically placed on desolate country roads. They seem to be going for the hellfire and brimstone approach. Why else would you line a long narrow country road with these signs? The sign does make you think…what would you do if you met God?

First, would you shake his hand or would you bump knuckles with him? Hey I bet God is a hip being, up to date with all of the fads. If you decide to shake his hand, you have to have the right amount of grip on the shake. Too much grip makes it look like you’re over compensating and too little grip makes you look weak. Now that’s a dilemma.

How does one go about making small talk with God? He already knows the answers to everything. Hell he knows what you’re going to ask before you ask. He has to be bored. Wait! That explains politicians…they are God’s rubik’s cube.

What if he brings up those countless times you begged him to get you through a hangover?

“God, Oh God if you just get me through this I’ll never do it again.”

Well not until next Friday anyway.

Here is a question to ponder….

What would you ask God if you met him?

I know what I would ask the big guy. I want to know just what in the hell happened to Chuck, Richie’s older brother on Happy Days.

In closing I have the perfect marquee and churches feel free to use this…

“God…One Hell of a Being”