Stay Tuned… The Saucy Bits is getting a make over and a re-launch. Enjoy a vodka tonic on us while you wait.
I have an awkward relationship with my boyfriend’s cousin, who lives 5 hours away. When we first started dating almost 4 years ago and I started going to their family functions, she made a strong point of expressing herself by never making eye contact with me or verbally acknowledging my presence, even in front of other family. The last time this happened was two years ago.
Fast forward, I have been invited as a guest to this girl’s wedding and to her very intimate family bridal shower (as the boy and I are also about to get engaged). I was told to write up a cute story of my favorite memory to share with the group.
I’m at a loss as to what to say at the bridal shower, seeing as how the very little interaction we’ve had has been extremely negative. If I ”fake it,” what to write? THANKS!
Is it possible that you’re not real? Or like…a ghost Sixth Sense style? (Spoiler aleeeeert, oops.) If she cannot see you due to your lack of corporeal body, we can’t really hold her accountable for her lack of eye contact or direct conversation.
However if you are in fact a person who is alive and stuff, you have two options.
1. Don’t go. It’s 5 hours away; you can surely make up some excuse to beg off. I’m sure your future fiancée won’t really care. His Mom might, but men don’t really get involved in events that include mushy story telling, tea sammies and thongs with BRIDE spelled out in rhinestones. If she doesn’t like you anyway, no one will miss you. Send a thoughtful gift.
2. Use this as a creative exercise and make something up. Write about the time at the family dinner / BBQ/ Thanksgiving where the cousin had too much Pinot Gris and how funny and cute she sounded when she warbled “God Bless America’ in a Mickey Mouse voice. Or talk about how welcome she makes you feel at family functions and how out of everyone in your boyfriend’s family, you feel most comfortable with her. Maybe squeeze out a tear regarding how happy it makes you to see her so happy? Everyone will oooh and aaah at the sentimentality of it all and maybe this chick will be nicer in the future. Just don’t do TOO good a job or you could end up as a Bridesmaid and we all know how Miss T feels about THAT.
Okay, so if she lives 5 hours away from you, I immediately get the feeling that she lives in the boonies and is one of those “special cousins” who doesn’t just “love” her cousin, she “loves him, loves him”. I think the cold shoulder business she has been giving you is because she is pissed that she is not the one marrying your fiancé. Those types like to keep it in the family. Darlin’ it’s not you she doesn’t like, it’s the IDEA of you. Frankly, I think she’s inviting you to her shower to introduce you to her fiancé with the hopes of you two hitting it off so you’ll leave your sweetie so she can have your man all to herself. Either that or she wants to kill you by filling you with moonshine, whacking you over the head with a tractor part and dumping you in the outhouse. Watch your back. This girl is never going to be your friend. She is never going to like you, even if you’re going to be family. You could write something lovely and complimentary, but it won’t help. My suggestion is not writing anything and if you’re asked why (which I doubt anyone will, because this beauty sounds like she’s got more enemies than friends…. btw “very intimate family shower” is code for “she has no friends because no one likes her so immediate family has to throw her a shower”) just mention how you are looking forward to having an actual conversation with her one day and creating memories with her when you’re officially family or some crap like that.
Do you hear that? It’s banjo music. OMG OMG OMG… you are totally going to end up on the ID channel on the Dateline reruns with the creepy dude telling the story of your demise. Miss S is right, this girl is a jealous kissing cousin or at least wishes she was kissing her cousin. This “intimate family” only shower might be your induction into the “special” family relationship. This family seems a tad too close, uncomfortably close. It’s time for you to get a nasty case of the runs or projectile vomit because you need to get out of this event. My advice, avoid the kissing cousin at all costs.
It’s been said Oliver’s ex-wife feels the relationship is “grotesque”. I have a few choice words about this couple as well and grotesque is being kind. Maybe it’s a French thing, but having a pre-pubescent looking girlfriend dragging on a cancer stick while walking with my kid just doesn’t seem appealing. Who knows, maybe he wants to save on their clothing allowance. It’s nice the girls can share outfits from the Baby Gap.
Dear Saucy Readers – what do you think of these new lovebirds?
I was invited to a graduation party last week and the invitation gave the place, time and informed us that “a group of us will be going to restaurant X for dinner after”. My husband said “Dinner will be nice.” I said “We weren’t invited.” He doesn’t believe me. I told him we would have been asked to go, not TOLD they were going. He asked “Well, why did they tell us about it then?” My thoughts exactly! Do you think it was a little tacky to include their plans that didn’t include us in the invitation? Our feathers are a little ruffled.
Don’t Dress for Dinner
Wow, they sound like people who would also tell you how substantial their salary is compared to yours and brag about how few grams of carbs they consume, too. Nice. (I hope you didn’t spend a lot on the graduation gift.) To answer your question. Yes. It was tacky and rude and not very thoughtful. The graceful way they could have gone about it is to just put a time limit like 7-9pm on the invitation and all the guests, or at least the ones who can read, would know it ends at 9pm. We don’t need to know why or what plans they have that don’t include you. Simple as that. Part of me is wishing you left early because you had “plans”. Let us know how it went!
Dear Triple D, Nickname Not Your Bra Size –
This is the tackiest thing I’ve ever heard. I hope it was one of those invitations where you just write in the date and time. And hopefully it had a leopard print design. That’s how we can elevate the gaucheness.
The ONLY way this doesn’t necessitate a total hostess bitch slap is if the ‘group’ of people who were invited to the dinner portion were direct blood relatives. And if the rest of you can hang out and trash this chick’s house while working your way through her bar. Even then we cannot pretend this isn’t a total fucking clusterfuck. Anyway, I’d call the hostess and ask if you’ve received a golden ticket to dinner. And steal some of her silverware on the way out. Or don’t go. Have a competing graduation party at the same time and syphon off her guest list. If anyone asks, “Triple D, what did you graduated from?” You tell them, “I’m all finished hanging out with inelegant people.”
– Miss T
Dear Friends of a D-bag,
Holy klassy with a K, what a bunch of ma-rooons. I have to agree with the ever eloquent Miss T on this on, I am not sure you need to attend this tacky, “give me money, but you’re not on the dinner list” event. I attended a very nice high school graduation party and let me tell you, I made money on this thing. Many, many glasses of wine, hors d’oeuvres, full dinner buffet and did I say WINE? I am confident I drank the equivalent of the check I gave the poor kid. My hosts were so gracious they topped the night off with cake. Dump these tacky ya-hoos and find friends who throw a great graduation party and by “great” I mean “open bar”.
Summer is a time for taking it easy, getting together with friends and socializing. It is not a time to show off, be fancy or give your friends a job they didn’t ask for. When you have friends over for a nice summer barbecue this season, remember this: If you think you are being fancy by giving your dinner guests some leftovers in a tupperware container, you are not being fancy. You are being a pain in the ass.
I begged for a just little square of aluminum foil or even a simple Ziploc bag, but the host insisted “No, no, use the tupperware”. I knew in that moment, my life would then be devoted to (inconvenienced by) its safe return.
Most of my year was spent attempting to return this commitment container. All the while, ensuring the lid stayed with its container mate and not wind up in that drawer where things go to die. For months, I kept it in sight, protected, clean and cared for… on the counter, then in the bathroom, then in my office and then finally on my husband’s bedroom dresser, where, after a while, it morphed into some kind of redneck valet. He started using it since it was there. When I noticed it was becoming a part of the bedroom decor, I had to put it away. All the way away. Like “out of sight” away. And I promised myself I wouldn’t forget it if my friend came to visit. And they did. But, I did. All three times. Argh.
It had now gotten to the point where if it caught my eye while opening the cabinet where it was now hidden, I would swear at it. “Argh. Fucking tupperware” and glare at it. This relationship, that was forced upon me, was really taking its toll on me, so I was relieved knowing fancy pants was coming to visit. When that beautiful day came, I wouldn’t be exaggerating if I said I THREW the container at my friend and said “TAKE IT, TAKE IT, TAKE IT!” Like some kind of maniac throwing something that was engulfed in flames.
So now you know. Tupperware users, you have two options. Either give us your container and say “I don’t need it back” to save us from the hassle or just give us leftovers in basic tin foil and forget the fancy stuff. Trust me, we’ll like you more.
Book: Ana has an issue biting her lip, which sends Christian into a full-on sex frenzy.
Suburban Sex: If I bite my lip in a seductive way it’s to get chocolate cake off my lip, now that shit is sexy.
Book: For some reason a highly educated, successful man signs e-mails “laters baby” and it’s suppose to be hot. I skipped this crap to find the sex scenes.
Suburban Sex: If my husband said “Laters Baby” I would be convinced he had taken up smoking the wacky weed on the way to the train. He’s a 45 year-old man who wears embroidered belts. Leave “Laters Baby” for the punks, it doesn’t exactly roll off the tongue of a preppy suburban Dad.
Tied up in knots
Book: Ana gets tied up with Christian’s tie and a few other bits of hardware store finery.
Suburban Sex: Suburban husbands wouldn’t waste a good tie, or god forbid need to send it for dry cleaning, to tie up their woman. The only and I mean ONLY reason a suburban man ties up a suburban woman is to restrain her credit card hand at an outlet mall. Truth. Sidenote: I am pretty sure Vineyard Vines ties aren’t dirty enough for playing a game of tie me up tie me down. Is my husband’s bow tie dirty enough for cocktails at the club with Buffy and Biff?
Ooooh, yes that whale tie is extra dirty for dry martinis.
Book: Christian likes to give a good spanking.
Suburban Sex: Our men get twitchy palms now and again too, it’s called wanting to punish the kid after they break the husband’s expensive electronic gadget. (no children were harmed in the writing of this post)
The Drawer of Magical Delights
Book: Christian has a special room and in that special room is a drawer full of magical delights he likes to share with Ana.
Suburban Sex: There isn’t a drawer, there is a box and that box is in the way back of the closet and there is NO sharing. The Magical Delights box is only for that special alone time when you are reading 50 Shades of Grey.
Crazy Ex Girlfriends
Book: Poor Christian has a mentally unstable ex and Dungeon Mentor Cougar ex. His list is long and all have legal documentation.
Suburban Sex: We don’t have a crazy exes problem in the suburbs. We have a “let’s have sex with our pool boy, trainer, lawn guy” problem. From what I can tell most husbands are a-ok with this arrangement since they work late a lot or maybe they have a trainer too.
Book: Ana, a college graduate, is a virgin and only has sex with Christian.
Suburban Sex: 21 Year-Old Virgin = Unicorns
Book: Ana has an inner goddess that helps her get ready for sexy time. Think “devil on my shoulder”
Suburban Sex: Suburban chicks killed their inner goddess after she recommended one of the following: “that sexy short haircut during the last month of pregnancy” or “permanent tattoo eyeliner, because that will never go out of style”. Yeah, we cut the bitch in our twenties.
How Does A Uterus Work?
Book: Ana can’t figure out where babies come from, ends up pregnant and gets married.
Suburban Sex: We all know where babies come from, the fancy doctor in the city of course.
A closet full of clothes
Book: Christian gives Ana her own room and a closet full of designer, perfectly sized clothes. She complains that she can’t sleep in his room and wants to buy her own clothes.
Suburban Sex: This girl is a MORON. I would give my right arm for my own room and clothes I didn’t have to buy myself at Target.
Back to my own room, that would be the sexiest thing a Suburban Man could do for his lady… so hot… so restful… just a Suburban woman, her pile of Mommy porn and a fresh pack of double a batteries. A girl can dream can’t she?
It arrived after my mimosa, coffee and breakfast which contained bacon. Nothing says “I Love You Mom” like a day which begins with bacon and booze. We hope all of you Saucy Mother’s enjoyed your day.
We live in NYC and had a baby about 7 months ago. We know how thin the walls are in our building so, a few weeks ago, we sent all our neighbors a bottle of really good champagne thanking them for their patience and for putting up with any late night noises. Nearly all of my neighbors said thank you, except for one. Of course I’m obsessing on the one. Am I a bitch and totally hormonal because I’m a little miffed by their not saying anything? (I’d like to add, too, that no one gave us so much as a card welcoming the baby.) I know it’s weird to thank someone for a thank you gift, but I thought it deserved at least a “Hey, I got the champagne” or something. Am I wrong?
Dear Hormonal Rage,
Do they need to thank you for the thank you? No, they don’t. Should they mention the thoughtful gift from a nice neighbor, yes. Listen. You will be sensitive to everything right now (I am assuming you are Mom btw). Post baby feelings, grudges, obsessions are heightened. It sounds pretty simple, your neighbors are crotchety baby haters. Let it go and enjoy your new bundle of perfection. You have more important things to worry about right now than a bad neighbor, so try to get some sleep and move along.
It sounds like you are still high from the fumes of your amazing accomplishments. (Making a human being AND doling out classy champagne.) Yes, you are an amazing baby maker and yes, you are a very considerate neighbor, but not everyone is that incredible or has that Emily Post gene in them. Don’t waste your possible napping time waiting by the mailbox for a thank you note from your mute neighbor. It’s not coming. But, if you want to put them on the spot, make them wriggle and get the thank you you’re looking for, why not just flat out ask them if they got your gift? There’s nothing wrong with asking. Then you’ll probably get the acknowledgement you’re looking for and make them uncomfortable, too! But do it soon because before long, junior will be walking and talking and going to college. You’ll be too consumed to be bothered by crappy neighbors.
Dear Cray Cray with a Bebe –
Lady, you live in NEW YORK FUCKING CITY. You’re lucky your neighbors don’t flip you off simply for having the bad luck for being in the elevator or stairwell at the same time. Yes, it was super nice of you to ply people with bubbly knowing how loud your new lovely bundle of poo was going to be. But that’s where it ends. Just because YOU care about your co-op family doesn’t necessarily mean anyone else cares about you. So take pride in handling yourself in a manner you can be happy with and let it alone. Go get a massage, recall the thick skin you had before you popped the kid out, get the formula out of your hair and let it go.
– Miss T
Have a great weekend!