The Savage Brothers

Temporary Hiatus

noreply@blogger.com (SavageBroRob) — Wed, 06 Apr 2011 20:15:00 +0000

The Savage Brothers are on temporary hiatus, traveling the world and getting into all manners of international intrigue (read: just too damn busy right now to post). Feel free to still leave comments or contact us with any ideas.

Oh we'll be back...

Guest Post: Ultimate Warrior (6)

noreply@blogger.com (SavageBroRob) — Sat, 26 Mar 2011 00:50:00 +0000

Yes, he's hyper. Yes, he's ultimate. And yes, he's our Friday guest poster. Let's hear what he has to say this week:

"Grrrrrrranglegrangleidiotpewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!!!"

Crying for Our Attention: Documentaries and the Oscars

noreply@blogger.com (SavageBroRon) — Wed, 23 Mar 2011 18:56:00 +0000

Wanna feel bad about yourself/society for a couple hours? Check out pretty much any critically-acclaimed documentary ever made. They almost universally have the same bottom line: people are fucking up some aspect of the world for the long term (true), and people are too goddamn lazy to do anything about it (also true). Hell, as long as you have something to bitch about and a shred of film-editing ability, you too can make a documentary. Whether the subject matter is our ever-growing "carbon footprint" or the incompetence of the public school system, just make sure to follow these five steps:

1) Detail only one side of a specific sob story describing the perceived struggles of the oppressed.
2) Point the finger at anyone/everyone with money and/or power.
3) Make the viewer KNOW that they're only adding to the problem, and it must be fixed (and by default, downplaying the fact that there's, ya know, a shitload of other problems that "we" apparently need to fix right away).
4) Fail to truly acknowledge that you're part of the problem...albeit one who happens to have a camera and apparently the free time to make a documentary.
5) Pepper in some touching irony (actual or contrived, it doesn't really matter) that can somehow be passed off as "artistic."

That's it, you're gold. Hooray, you'll be nominated for an Oscar. And don't worry about how you'll look on TV though...no one watches those parts of the show anyway.

While we're on the subject...yeah, we're a few weeks late in addressing it...let's talk about this gaudy self-indulgent mass of glitterati passing themselves off as far more important than they are. Hey, we love the shit outta movies, and we find the Oscar shows entertaining at times. That said, who the fuck is this "academy" anyway? Oh...the peers of the people receiving the awards...oh, okay. So why do we care about watching self-congratulatory nitwits parading around onstage in ridiculous clothes sucking each other off every chance they get? (Before you answer, it's a rhetorical question, smartass.) Well, we'll tell you why anyway...for the same reason your fat ass is sittin there reading/drooling over this majestic blog...cause it entertains you (theoretically). Now, that's nothing earth-shattering, but when you pair this thought with what we were saying earlier about documentaries, it's revealing. We simply don't give a shit about all the bellyaching that documentaries are trying to throw at us for the most part...we just wanna watch beautiful people smile and act like their shit don't stink (besides these assholes). I mean, damn, anything's better than having some too-ugly-to-be-in-front-of-the-camera idealist call us out for some bullshit we don't even wanna be bothered with, right? Amateurs.

Let us wrap this up by just saying to you aspiring "hard-hitting" (borefest) documentary filmmakers that we'll certainly let your message in one ear...toss it around in our heads with some real genuine "I'm gonna make some changes"-type thoughts...and then promptly flick that message right out the other ear as soon as the credits roll. Hey, it's not that we don't care or that we're not intelligent enough to see where you're coming from...we all just got our own more immediate stuff to take care of, and that ain't gonna change. And if we do want to feel something while taking in a movie...don't worry, we'll just pop something in from our moving yet comfortable world of fiction. Sorry, documentarians...people suck...but you already knew that of course. Just let us sit back, watch our shiny award shows, and go take a piss while you're getting your heavily-slanted recognition.

Album Cover Captions: John Bult

noreply@blogger.com (SavageBroRob) — Tue, 22 Mar 2011 00:23:00 +0000

- "It's ok...you'll be a woman in just a few years anyways"

- "You know, in some countries, it's not illegal for a 45 year old to bone a child"

- "I got bush"

- "Yeah, see the wedding ring? She don't mind."

- "Aren't you turned on by me bringing you, a mere child, to this bar where I'm drinking and smoking"

- "Yeah can we leave now? There's a school down the street and I'm not supposed to be within 200 yards of one"

- "Girlllllll......you'll be a woman...soon"

- "It'll only hurt the first time..."

- "Your mom said it'd be ok..."

- "Gotta go honey...think I just saw Chris Hanson"

7 Celebrities Who Are Shockingly Not Mentally Challenged

noreply@blogger.com (SavageBroRon) — Mon, 21 Mar 2011 23:23:00 +0000

We've all seen people on TV (even outside of The Wonder Years, Boy Meets World, and the imbecile-rich world of pro wrestling) where we had to do a double take. We had to ask ourselves, "Is that person riding the shortbus?" No, we're not making fun of handicapped people...just the celebrities who literally look like 'em. Frankly, we find the "oh, he's a retard" type of humor to be ignorant, uncreative, and ultimately, below our standards...that's not what this is. Hell, we're not even saying we dislike/like the given celebrities...these are all neutral observations that they look mentally disabled. Hey we're sensitive guys. Now, on to the Down Syndrome impersonators...

Bam Margera
We LOVE Jackass, but this guy resembles Corky's slow cousin.

DJ Qualls
This fella here proves that the simple-minded curse
can infect the ghastly emaciated as well.

Ronaldinho
Minority quota filled.

Brad Arnold of 3 Doors Down
Strap a helmet on him and you'd never know he wasn't.
(Note: an ex-acquaintance with no honor or code once coined the term
"3 Doors Down Syndrome," but he has since been mercilessly banished
from Savage Kingdom...like a bitch.)

Rachel Dratch
Female quota filled.

Steven Tyler
Female quota doubled.

Donald Trump
Even after you hear this guy talk, you still come away unsure
that he's not a full-on mental defective.

BONUS:

Haley Joel Osment
Again? Hell yes.

Better Sundae: Banana Split or Brownie Sundae?

noreply@blogger.com (SavageBroRob) — Sun, 20 Mar 2011 23:22:00 +0000

The Savages are more "meat lovers" (shut up) than "sweet tooths" but nevertheless we occasionally enjoy stuffing our faces with some delicious frozen dessert. But if we're going classic, what do we choose? The colossal banana split or the decadent brownie sundae. Choices suck.

Banana Split: You mean to tell me I can get chocolate, vanilla, AND strawberry ice cream all in the same bowl? Covered in whipped cream, chocolate syrup, strawberry topping, and pineapple topping? and crushed nuts? (shut up again). Yeah set me up...I'll take uhhhh...3 of 'em. How the hell a banana found its way in there (sheesh this post is full of innuendo) is beyond me, but what the heck...bananas ok. Plus it satisfies the inner health nut in all of us, squashing at least .05% of the guilt we feel from ingesting a 4K calorie bowl of pain relief. So go ahead Savage Kingdom, order a banana split once in a while. No use going through life without stopping to enjoy the simple things in life. Booger eats 'em. Pretty sure.

Brownie Sundae: Ohhhhhh slow down baby. My personal favorite empty calorie delicious pile of crap, the brownie sundae fills you up with a gooey hot and cold concoction (just sounds perverted) worthy of two foodgasms. The warm brownie combines with the frozen vanilla ice cream and hot fudge just waiting to take you to places that most men dare not dream of. As you put the barely-washed restaurant spoon into this slowly-melting mound of culinary heaven, you realize that you made the right choice. You also realize that you're basically adding a love handle within the following 15 minutes. But that's ok. It's healthier than being on heroin. Bonus points to the waiter/waitress who can quickly get this dessert out to you still-frozen before he/she stops to check their Facebook wall on the way to your table.

So which one is it? This Savage brother votes for the brownie sundae. But I certainly wouldn't pout if all they had was the split.

Things Savages Like: The Fonz

noreply@blogger.com (SavageBroRon) — Sun, 20 Mar 2011 15:47:00 +0000

Yeah, we like him. How could anyone not love the coolest greaser-type ass magnet since James Dean? So what if making a thumbs up is inherently nerdy? When The Fonz does it, we know all is well with the world. And inexplicably surrounding himself with complete fuckin losers? Just makes Fonzie look that much diesel-kickass. Is there anyone among us who hasn't tried jabbing a jukebox with the intent of putting our favorite song on? It inevitably ends with us sorrowfully realizing we're not in the same badass realm that Arthur Fonzarelli occupies.

With the snap of his fingers, he can accomplish anything, from changing the channel to leaving another virginal teenager in his wake. And is there anyone else in the universe who could pull off having their self-appointed "office" in a men's bathroom, and NOT have even the slightest amount of rumblings from the gay police? This guy oozes sex appeal to the ladies, and any man who tries to test Fonz's mettle quickly gets his dick knocked in the dirt.

This man has a code. This man literally jumps sharks. This man helped paved the way for cockiness to be a staple of being cool. This man is a role model.

Eyyy!!!

Guest Post: Ultimate Warrior (5)

noreply@blogger.com (SavageBroRon) — Fri, 18 Mar 2011 21:46:00 +0000

You need your Friday fix of the one and only Warrior? We got him...

"RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRBOOGABOOGABOOGA!!!!! WEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!"

Dumbass Product Of The Day: Big Mouth Billy Bass

noreply@blogger.com (SavageBroRob) — Thu, 17 Mar 2011 19:48:00 +0000

Oh, can i please have a fucking annoying singing rubber fish to put on my wall? What moron would buy such a thing. Picture it...you're sitting there enjoying your movie or your television after a long day at work, getting some much needed R&R. All of a sudden, some "soon to be living the rest of his short-ass life in agonizing pain" asshole pushes the red button (see the red button? don't EVER push the red button). Your house is now filled with the brain-killing sounds of a fake rubber fish on the wall singing a cheap cover of an already shitty song. This is the kind of terrible gift you give your enemies. Although I guess you deserve it for putting it up on the wall in the first place.

Not to mention the fact that the thing itself looks like you got it off the clearance rack at the dollar store. Yeah, good purchase buddy. Way to get your family to hate you. We call you people "loserville".

Seriously, HOW did this thing sell??? They must have got that ShamWow! douche to do it.

The Shirts Of Booger: A Philosophy

noreply@blogger.com (SavageBroRob) — Thu, 17 Mar 2011 17:23:00 +0000

Dudley 'Booger' Dawson is one of the true underappreciated movie characters in comedy history. His slackass attitude, revolting manners, and disgusting aura left us with the hilarious yet insightful story of a man who doesn't get nearly enough attention in the modern world. I don't know, maybe that's a good thing. Either way, the shirts that Booger wore in Revenge Of The Nerds enlighten the inner workings of this mad genius' mind, revealing a reluctant hero with something to say. Perhaps we'd all be better off if we listened. Let's begin...

Greasy Tony's: The fact that there actually IS a Greasy Tony's restaurant shows just how plugged in this mastermind is. What does this shirt say to us? It says enjoy the simple things in life. Have a cheesesteak once in a while and revel in its deliciousness...and grease. We all get so caught up in the finer things of life sometimes that we don't take the time to relax, put our feet up, and stuff our face with some blue collar goodness. PLUS...no charge for extra grease...so you're a smart shopper as well.

Gimme' Head Till I'm Dead: Exactly. Are we obsessed with sex? You betcha. Is there anything greater in the world? Nope. Does Booger have any problem with posting right on his chest what everyone wishes anyways? Not one bit. This man is the truth.

High On Stress: Don't we all feel like that sometimes? Everyone gets so stressed out by the things life throws at us. Why not take a second to make fun of it. Get "high" on it. And if that doesn't work, just get high on whatever. Booger does.

So maybe next time you're flipping through the channels and see Revenge Of The Nerds on, you'll stop and listen. Absorb. Let yourself be affected by the Oracle Of Dudley 'Booger' Dawson. He'll show you what life's really about. If you ever need him, he'll be "out combing the high schools all day".

BONUS:

Ah yes...the mysterious "Who Farted?" shirt. As if to say it was anyone BUT Booger himself. Not really a lot of philosophy in this one, but hey, what do you want from a sequel.

For more of Booger's life lessons...head on over to IMDb's Booger quotes page.

Random Annoying Individual: The ShamWow! Guy

noreply@blogger.com (SavageBroRob) — Thu, 17 Mar 2011 00:55:00 +0000

This turd's just an all-around annoyance. Riding on the coattails of the great Billy Mays (respect) this degenerate brought the ShamWow! and the Slap Chop into the popular vernacular. What dumb products. It just proves that people will buy a fresh bowel movement in a jar of Rosie O'Donnell's ass hair if you show some fast-talking douchebag on an infomercial enough times.

Selling basically what appeared to be a overpriced towel and a chopping device for lazy mothafuckas, this mental defective and his stupid accent took up way too much of everyone's time. Unfortunately, sometimes it was 3 in the morning and the remote had fallen on the floor too far away. So we watched. And wondered to ourselves with confusion if the Germans DO in fact always make good stuff. What a dumb thing to say.

The guy's also an asshole to boot, allegedly getting his tongue bit by a hooker and punching her or something. Who honestly cares though. Stay away from hookers and you decrease your chances of something like this happening by a factor of 1000.

We leave you with this parting portrait...proving once again that even the most bottom-dwelling infomercial makeup artist can make somebody look 20 years younger and not like they're the latest guest star of To Catch A Predator.

Hideous Image of the Day: The Fat One

noreply@blogger.com (SavageBroRon) — Wed, 16 Mar 2011 23:16:00 +0000

Why is this gentleman on the toilet? And...are his pants still up? He even appears to be fucking THAT up in addition to any piece of music he lends his voice to. By the way, how is it not a bigger deal that the person who everyone thought of as "the fat one" actually has the last name "FatOne?" That's like an ice cream man named Cone...am I right? Also, if I told you this a picture of David Arquette after he packed on a few pounds...would you even know the difference? Of course you wouldn't.

5 Terrible Gifts in Movies

noreply@blogger.com (SavageBroRon) — Wed, 16 Mar 2011 21:56:00 +0000

Sometimes, a gift can be an endearing, moving sign of appreciation. Or occasionally, well, it's the thought the counts. But then, other times...as George Costanza might say..."Well, this is certainly a crappy gift." And we're not talking about the right-off-the-bat obviously shitty present, like Ralphie's bunny costume, Wayne's gun rack, or Clark's Jelly of the Month Club membership. We often see grandiose gifts given in cinema, but if we look a little closer...are they really as great as what's portrayed? Let's discuss.

Mustache's Used Drawers: As if the Rocky III relationship between Apollo and The Stallion isn't homoerotic enough already, Apollo feels the need to pass on quite literally his boxer shorts to Rocky that have been dangling around his dick for years. As the viewer, even we can almost smell how staunchly these pseudo-underpants reek of Jheri Curl and Black and Milds. For some reason, Rocky sees this offering as a good thing, even though Apollo keeps hinting at some "favor" from Rocky that he'll be cashing in on in the near future (much to everyone's surprise, it turns out NOT to be a buttfuckathon). It should be noted that Apollo is seen wearing (and dancing in) these britches again in Rocky IV...as if to say it was all just a ruse to lay his scent on his cherished Stallion.

Heart Attack Waiting to Happen: Ok, we fully understand (and appreciate) the metaphoric symbolism that Andy makes Red carry out in order to get Andy's letter (and a shitload of cash). But come on, Andy, the guy's damn near 70 and you're having his old ass limp up rolling hills just so you can have your little poetry of life pay off. There's not a damn soul in sight...and if there's any health issue whatsoever, that's it for ole Red. All we're saying is that perhaps you could have at least considered mailing it to him. He walks down to his mailbox...boom, message received. THEN, he could have embarked on his metaphoric journey down to see you. Just because YOU had to crawl through 500 yards of shit-smelling foulness doesn't mean everyone else does too. Asshole.

A Family of Pricks: This here is the gift that just keeps on...ya know, almost killing you. In this thriller, the cold all-business main character, Nicholas (played by Michael Douglas, if you can believe it), essentially gets a monumental kick in the balls from his brother, Connie (Chris Penn's brother). After receiving this "gift," Nicholas' life becomes a series of violent near-misses, culminating in a poorly-executed suicide attempt from Nicholas, who still miraculously comes across as a distant dickhead afterwards, proving that it's simply who Michael Douglas is regardless of scripted character development. We can't help but think they should have at least tried a more cost-friendly "Hey, you're a bastard" intervention before the grand scale charade. And oh yeah, as icing on the cake, Nicholas ends up splitting the gigantic bill for this whole fuckin escapade. That's not even something the Savage Brothers would do to each other. Well, maybe that's not entirely true.

Gremlin Clusterfuck: Ok, so you're looking for a gift for your son...you enter a poorly-lit antique shop with dingy, rusty, worthless crap laying all over...you do a little perusing over the ancient garbage thrown about...and bang, you come across a goddamn creature unknown to the modern world: the Mogwai. Rather than alert the world of a friggin new species that can seemingly talk, you decide this would be the perfect present to bestow upon your unsuspecting offspring. When the shop owner turns you down because of the great danger/responsibility associated with these mystical creatures, you resort to a back-alley agreement with a Chinese child of unknown gender to take them home with you. Well, the rest is movie history. But come on, were the 3 eerie instructions not enough to dissuade you from bringing these things into your home? No feeding after midnight? Ok, a little confusing on when that actually stops and starts, but fine, I'll work with it. No bright lights? Eh, a little strange but nothing I can't manage (especially when the creatures are seemingly locked in a friggin box 24 hours a day anyway). But no water? There's your red flag. What, you think these things run on fuckin batteries or something? No wonder you're an atrocious inventor.

Eternal Monotony: So all you have to do is swear an oath to protect the Holy Grail, and you're granted eternal life...sounds like a fantastic deal, right? Yeah...not so much. You get to spend your time wearing chainmail, growing a graybeard, staring at the wall, and falling over like a quitter when your apparent successor finally arrives to challenge you. What exactly is the draw here? So you're "blessed" with the most excruciatingly boring job ever in the history of mankind, and all you can do when the time comes to finally fulfill your responsibility is pull the knighthood equivalent of shitting your Depends? Someone confiscate the sword from this man already and put him out to pasture. What a scam.

BONUS

Lifelong Plague: No need to rehash...you know how we feel about this little rodent. If we didn't already touch on this act of passing off one's unwanted debris onto an unsuspecting simpleton, we'd have more to say here. Bottom line, one look at this thing's mug is enough for any father to demand a paternity test. Loathsome.

Mallrats Perspective: Willam

noreply@blogger.com (SavageBroRob) — Wed, 16 Mar 2011 01:37:00 +0000

1:00 AM: Fall asleep after playing 6 hour marathon of Wolfenstein

1:30 AM: Wake up and eat 3 orders of cheese fries...spill some on shirt

1:31 AM: Fall back into fatsleep and dream about not being able to see sailboat in 3D picture at mall

9:00: Roll out of bed and take a massive steaming nuke on the lawn...don't shower...get excited about big day planned staring at 3D picture

9:30: Show up at mall with bag lunch (which is a mysteriously small bag considering...ya know)...wear same shirt as night before

10:00: Eat more cheese fries...spill more on shirt

10:10: Get mad at Brodie and T.S. for interrupting...give them some righteous information on game show stage

11:00: Stare at 3D picture...urinate pants

11:30: Get irritated that children want to look at picture too...laugh at and ridicule small child for saying they saw a schooner...get put in place by 7 year old...feel dumb...ruin Easter for all children within earshot by giving up the gig on the Easter Bunny

12:00: Eat entire lunch in one disgusting inhalation, including bag

12:01-2:30: Alternate between staring at 3D picture and sleepfarting through the afternoon

2:35:          See Brenda from 90210...be called a dick...wonder why

3:10: Get uber-frustrated at 3D picture, kick stage, and unknowingly play major role in ruining gameshow...leave mall, stopping at the cookie stand (not in the food court) on the way out

3:30: Get home and take a massive steaming nuke on the lawn

4:00: Eat 12 beef-n-cheddars

4:05: Look up meaning of schooner...feel dumb again

4:05-12:00: Play 8 hours of Wolfenstein

12:00:        Pass out face down on floor in same dirty shirt

All Night:   Dream of alleged sailboat in 3D picture and get pissed off in sleep

Things That Creep Savages Out: This Pig Eye

noreply@blogger.com (SavageBroRob) — Tue, 15 Mar 2011 12:41:00 +0000

WHY does this pig eye look so human??? It's just creepy. It's like it has its own deep consciousness, like some sort of wise old shaman.

7 Amazingly Hilarious Classic Sitcom Characters

noreply@blogger.com (SavageBroRon) — Mon, 14 Mar 2011 18:53:00 +0000

It takes a real aligning of the stars to produce a memorable sitcom character. With all the shit out there in the entertainment universe, we relish these 7 classics every second they wander onto our TVs through a bastion of mediocrity:

Kramer: This man is the truth. Every sentence and movement he has onscreen is pure comedy gold. We could probably make a "50 Greatest Kramer Quotes" post, and it still wouldn't even be the tip of the iceberg. From his perpetual mooching to his filterless rambling, Cosmo's the essence of zany coolness, and we can't get enough. Sure, he may be a hipster doofus and a pod, but anyone who spends his time yelping at Joltin' Joe and kicking mugger ass while driving a bus is boss in our book. (Note: George Costanza, hell even Frank Costanza, absolutely should be on this list, but in the interest of diversity, we'll limit it to one Seinfeld character. Although George might say...that's really not fair.)

Alex P. Keaton: This Reagan-era golden boy might have been lame in the hands of a lesser actor, but Michael J. Fox dominates in the role. With values diametrically opposed to his hippie parents, Alex humorously functions as a 50-year-old in a teenager's body. While he's in high school, he's more concerned with leading the Young Republicans and reading the entire business section of the newspaper than he is with going to the movies or playing sports (Alex still chases tail with the best of 'em though). Regardless of politics, you can't help but laugh your ass off every time he takes his briefcase off into the world to stomp progressives one by one.

Eddie Haskell: Of course, this is from an era ahead of many of our times, but the brilliance of Eddie Haskell is eternal. A brown-nosing kissass around any adult figure, he quickly becomes a ballbusting menace as soon as he's left to prey on his peers. No one can turn on/off the charm better than Eddie, and sometimes he actually gives Wally and the Beav the kick in the ass they need in their all-too-disciplined lives. Although he's as transparent as a pane of glass, his masterful manipulation tactics almost always have their desired effect. The Cleaver kids could learn a thing or two from this kid. Hell, Ward might wanna even take notes sometimes.

Barney Fife: Again, we're in oldass-era territory, but some characters are timeless. Barney Fife is the classic fuck-up who has no outward idea that he's just not that good at anything. Oh yeah, occasionally he'll be of some ass-backwards use...but most of the time, the One Bullet Wonder's just getting in Andy's way. Come to think of it, he doesn't exactly have too many redeeming qualities, unless you consider being a bonafide loser to the utmost degree a "redeeming quality." His ineptitude is only matched by his completely indefensible professional arrogance and condescension. And we love him for it.

Leon Black: All right, everything that comes out of this guy's mouth is genius. His interactions with Larry David are just about the funniest things you'll ever see on HBO. He's the perfectly compliment to LD...vulgar, blatant, and completely unaware/uncaring for the "etiquette" of human interaction. He spends his time getting Larry's back, freeloading, hittin anything with a pulse, and delivering the most nonsensical yet strangely perceptive words of wisdom this side of Coach Bobby Finstock. Leon's exchanges with the racially-on-eggshells Michael Richards pretty much makes us forget that there was ever a controversy.

Bob Pinciotti: He could probably be on this list on perm alone, but he's the classic...as Red would say...dumbass. He unabashedly parades about his house with his unattractive body on display, and constantly exerts his childlike wonder at the world around him, much to the chagrin of Red. Bob seems to be completely oblivious to Red's obvious disdain for him, which only adds fuel to the fire. He inexplicably manages to hold onto his hot wife for years, but nature's balancing act comes into full swing by giving him a horrendously mannish daughter. To top it off, Bob's an avid banjo player, putting icing on the cake of being pretty much the most annoying neighbor you could ask for.

Wayne Arnold: We find this slow-witted, bullying, tiny shorts-wearing nimrod hilarious...but, he deserves a spot on this list mostly because he beat up that asshole Fred Savage a lot. God love him.

Fast Food Overdose: The 5 Immediate Steps To Recovery

noreply@blogger.com (SavageBroRob) — Mon, 14 Mar 2011 00:49:00 +0000

Fast food. Let's face it...it's horrible for our bodies. It's unidentified ingredients tear up our insides like a bullet through gelatin. Unfortunately, we all eat it. Preferably in moderation, but that doesn't always happen. And that also means we're all familiar with these 5 steps immediately following the ingestion of too much fast food. Let's discuss.

1. The Initial Gross Feeling: Ok so you went to Taco Bell and had 7 tacos and 2 chicken quesadillas (you can insert any random fast food restaurant meal here). You're sitting there at the restaurant with cheese on your cheek and wrappers all over the floor. Your stomach feels like you just injected it with antifreeze. You're sweating grease. Your teeth hurt. And you can't be sure, but you think you feel something crawling back up your throat. This is when you take stock of your life. You hate your existence. You may be full, but you pretty much want to die.

2. The Overwhelming Need To Pass Out: You somehow get home from your jaunt to the Bell and head immediately for the couch, ignoring the fact that you're about to stain it with copious amounts of beef grease. But down you go like a tree being sliced down in the middle of the forest. And you don't really sleep per se...you pass into a state of existence that feels like being crushed by 1000 pounds of synthetic meat. It's not pretty, but your body needs to devote all resources to your stomach right now. No time or energy for brain function.

3. The Diarrhea From Hades: You're sleeping...and then.....you're awoken by the feeling of a brown tank of nastiness plowing through your lower intestine. As you run through the house on your trip to the latrine, you clench with the utmost vigor and strength, praying that you don't spray your hardwood floors by accident on the way there. And then sweet relief. You question why you're even living. You question the existence of God. But at least the horrible beast that was in you has vacated.

4. The Low Plateau: Now that you've made the bathroom unenterable for the next 3 months, you go sit down. This is waiting for the smoke to clear. This is a quiet time. You don't want anyone to speak and you certainly don't want to think about anything more advanced than just breathing. You want your body to just stop vibrating and the earth to stop moving. Two hours later, it does. And you realize you need a bath.

5. The Shower Bounceback: Your skin needs to be cleaned of the film of fatty oil that's currently suffocating it. You go shower and clog up the drain with grease (and somehow some ground beef that was still on you). After slowly becoming a human being again, you realize that your body's war against your lunch has made you hungry. Unfortunately you spent so much time on the couch though that you forgot to go grocery shopping. Looks like some McDonald's is in your immediate dinner future.

And THAT is how the cycle perpetuates itself...

Random Movie Scene: Twins

noreply@blogger.com (SavageBroRob) — Sun, 13 Mar 2011 21:44:00 +0000

"I sound my barbaric YAWP over the rooftops of the world"

Cool how a quote from one movie incorrectly pertains to a yawning scene in another movie.

Although it looks more like they both have the runs.

Album Cover Captions: Mike Terry

noreply@blogger.com (SavageBroRob) — Sun, 13 Mar 2011 00:21:00 +0000

-"Do you like my chandelier robe? I have the matching vibrator in me right now"

-"My music is the worst of all time"

-"You're reading that right, there was a volume 1"

-"I'd like to suck a bag of dicks"

-"If you can believe it, I had an incredibly bad childhood"

-"People say listening to my music is what Hell feels like"

-"There's skeet on this shirt"

15 Things You Don't Want to Hear Your Neighbor Utter on a Long Plane Ride

noreply@blogger.com (SavageBroRon) — Sat, 12 Mar 2011 16:57:00 +0000

-"Wanna share pillows?"
-"That spicy Indian food I just had in the airport was gooooood."
-"Meet me in the lavatory in 10...bring an extra shirt."
-"Are you a fan of ventriloquy?
-"I'm a sweater...big time."
-"Can I borrow your shoes?"
-"This is my connection flight to Boston."
-"I better make sure I know where my airsickness bag is."
-"You're not allergic to excessive amounts of Drakkar Noir, are you?"
-"I bet you're a screamer."
-"Meet my newborn baby."
-"How much extra room are you gonna have in your hotel room?"
-"I forgot my muzzle."
-"You're probably gonna wanna keep your distance."
-"Hi, I'm Dane Cook."

(for kicks, insert any of Randy, Ben, or Fred Savage into that last one)

Savage Review: Lil Wayne

noreply@blogger.com (SavageBroRon) — Sat, 12 Mar 2011 16:42:00 +0000

Time for a Savage review of one of the best selling albums of the last year, Lil Wayne's I Am Not a Human Being:

Ok, I couldn't get past the fuckin ridiculous cover. Look at it. It appears Beetlejuice from Howard Stern finally got himself a record deal. Based partly on his choice of attire, we're gonna have to give this a thumbs down. Hey, it's not the worst rap album cover we've ever seen (not even close actually), so we'll give it 4 out of 1000 stars. At the very least, he seems to have gotten the album title right.

5 Animals We Wish We Could Have As Pets

noreply@blogger.com (SavageBroRob) — Sat, 12 Mar 2011 16:00:00 +0000

We have our cats and our dogs and our kids, but what other animals do we sometimes find ourselves wishing we could wake up to and feed in the morning before enjoying a day of companionship? Ok, maybe you don't do that. But we do.

Any Big Cat: How awesome would it be to have a lion. Seriously, you would never once live in fear of your house being robbed. "Uhhh yeah, that house has an alarm system we can beat that, that woman there has a poodle and that's not a problem...but that house there has a fucking lion. Let's go somewhere else." While everyone else is teaching their pet how to sit or beg, you're sitting back and listening to the majestic king of the jungle wake up the neighborhood with his thunderous roar. And how awesome would it be for random salespeople? They'd never come to your house. And if they did...well you can't put a pricetag on that type of entertainment.

Elephant: You'd probably have to buy a bigger house, but hey, that's ok. You have an elephant. Provided you have a big backyard where it can go shit, you're home free. You really don't even need a car anymore. What, you have to run to the grocery store? Hmm...take the car....or ride up to the supermaket like some sort of modern Tarzan? Easy choice. And old people who drive 2mph through the parking lot become a non-issue. They may not move for your Volvo, but rest assured they'll push their bunion-covered foot down on the gas pedal when you roll up behind them in one of these bad boys. Elephant: zero to awesome in 1.2 seconds.

Shark: Yeah, I know you can have a pet shark. But I'm not talking about one of those miniature saltwater tank jobs. I mean a SHARK. A fucking great white or tiger shark. Anytime anyone pisses you off, you can bring out your inner Dr. Evil and have them ceremoniously dumped right into the shark tank. Free food. And since it's your shark, it's not going to hurt you (obviously..pffft). Know what that means? That means Sea World's "Swim With The Dolphins" schtick just got a competitor. Nothing against dolphins, but how much more badass would it be to don the wetsuit and ride Jaws around the local pool. Fuggetaboutit.

Polar Bear: Come on, they're adorable. Don't tell me you've never been at the zoo near the polar bear exhibit and didn't want to jump right in and give one of these big guys a hug. Granted, they would literally tear your face off, but that's no problem when it's yours. If you live up north, wintertime just got a whole lot more fun. Road's snowed in? No worries...just hop on the back of your polar bear and off you go to traverse all that mother nature can throw at you. You come back home and want to warm back up? What better way than to lay against this living white pillow and curl up with a good book. If you teach it right, your new companion will probably even go catch some fish from the neighborhood lake for you guys to grill up that night. Plus, they're just so damn cute.

Emeril Lagasse: This furry animal can cook and he's consistently entertaining. Who wouldn't want him out in the yard able to come whip up some crawfish etouffee at a moment's notice. Oh you have a craving for some chili? Why bother going to the trouble to get all the ingredients and chop them all up when you can go to the crate, fetch Emeril, and he will do it for you? Your cat certainly isn't going to top that. Plus, I'm sure you can teach Emeril to scratch a post and play with a ball on the end of a feather if you're into that kind of thing. (Savage note: Emeril rocks)

Hideous Image Of The Day: Some Old Guy

noreply@blogger.com (SavageBroRob) — Sat, 12 Mar 2011 01:28:00 +0000

Has a politician ever given every red-blooded American male the fabled "insta-shrivel" with more quantity and spontaneous force than this Janet Reno guy? I don't know what to make of him. It looks like somebody hit him in the face repeatedly with a hot bag of nickels. From the Mrs. Doubtfire glasses to the obvious toupee to the formidable linebacker-physique, I cannot help but wonder how this thing was ever on national television. Children were scared. Even grown men cried. Please just go back into the wilderness where some random redneck hunter can occassionally snap a quick photo. Since Seinfeld ended, I doubt you'll have anymore gigs twisting the cap off a non-twist beer bottle anyways.

5 Foods That Have No Business Ever Being Fat-Free

noreply@blogger.com (SavageBroRon) — Fri, 11 Mar 2011 22:53:00 +0000

What's with the array of already-delicious foods being spoiled by the fat-free propoganda-pushers? Must everything have a healthier alternative at the expense of taste? We here at Savage Kingdom would of course prefer to NOT have our hearts explode...but we'll be damned if we're gonna eat shitty versions of perfectly gratifying grub. I mean, why even bother with fat-free tasteless imposters that are supposed to replicate greasy goodness? Why not just, ya know, opt to NOT eat anything, you orally-fixated glutton? Here's 5 beautiful foods that should NEVER be fat-free, regardless of what that diminutive psycho Tony Little will tell you:

Ice Cream: Seriously, are you even mildly familiar with what "cream" entails? Taking the fat out of this glorious frozen treat is a cocktease for the taste buds, and your body will never forgive you. If you're gonna go the health route here, you might as well just go with the always-disappointing handicapped cousin of ice cream...sherbet.

Butter: Really, do we even have to explain this one? I'll tell you what...imagine that you want to take something, like a great cut of meat or a delicious cake, and make it moister or creamier. Now, do it without fat involved in the equation at all. Can't do it, can ya? Oh, and just for shits and giggles...try to spread some fat-free alternative on your toast...hope you like giant holes in your bread and accidentally stabbing your finger.

Cheese: Who's the nimrod who thought making this dairy delight fat-free would be a good idea? What the hell does one even use fat-free cheese for? As if I'm not already a little hesitant to dive into a food that's admittedly bacteria-ridden milk of a friggin different species, do I really have to second-guess myself on the actual health content here? Come on, let us enjoy this orgasmic fare without things like "nutrition" complicating matters.

Any Cookie Ever: Can you believe companies actually get away with labeling things "guiltless?" Think about it...it's fuckin low and insulting to boot. What about the rest of us who ARE eating the full-fat Oreos? You don't think I'm well aware what I'm doing to my body by wolfing down a box of Entenmann's? Trust me, I made my peace with that going in...and I'm fine with it. Besides, the "guiltless" crap just replaces the fat with sugar...don't think we don't know what you're up to, Richard Simmons and Jenny Craig.

Potato Chips: Okay, full disclosure...I've never been a victim of fat-free chips. But I have read the horror stories. You mean to tell me that not only do consumers want taste AND health simultaneously...but they're actually willing to tough out a night of this just for some guilt-free potato munching? Perhaps you should consider eating the real stuff and simply NOT devouring the entire bag and/or sleeve in one sitting. Pig.

Oh, and by the way, what's with sugary candies that obviously don't have any fat in them touting the fact that they're fat-free? Is this a joke? Who's the egghead who's actually relieved at this grand revelation...did ya really have to be told that the goddamn Tic Tac doesn't have any fat in it?

God, writing this post has made me hungry.

SavageSpeak: Classic Male

noreply@blogger.com (SavageBroRon) — Fri, 11 Mar 2011 18:49:00 +0000

In case you haven't yet noticed (you unobservant disphit), we love mustaches. Ya know, platonically of course. No, not the sissylike "ironic" mustaches that skinny-jeaned douchebags will sport...we're talking about the real thick strands of proud testosterone that would even make The Brawny Man piss his pants. (Speaking of which, have you seen the new Brawny Man? This guy looks like a fuckin loser. Compare him to the old school Brawny Man. That's the definition of raw power. And don't even get us started on that pompous Mr. Clean...the man's an obvious closet case.)

Anyway, now that you're in all-out mustache mode, you're ready to learn about the Classic Male. It's exceedingly rare to see one of these mustachioed relics in our everyday lives, but they're out there (almost certainly driving an older-model American muscle car of some kind). Of course, their heyday was really the 70s/80s and they're still essentially living in that era, but that's actually a crucial ingredient of what sets them apart from regular folks today. In addition to quite possibly the reigning king of the Classic Males, Tom Selleck, we'll show you a few more examples below on what to be on the lookout for:

Notice how they proudly wear their upper lip hair without a trace of self-consciousness? Also, be sure to observe how there's isn't a speck of facial hair outside of the stache itself. Being well-groomed is an enormous part of the Classic Male's pattern, and they take great pride in it. Confidence is an absolute must. You ain't gonna catch one of these guys bitching out over some frivolous crap. They're high rollers, and sweating the small stuff is for suckers.

These retro-style manly men like to think of themselves as refined ladies' men, even if they're most definitely not. They almost universally and unequivocally prefer to be alluded to as "gentlemen," and despite their well-manicured faces, have no need for a razor below the neckline. That's right, they'll even let their out-of-control chesthair peak its way out of their button-up Armani shirts, as if to throw out the mating vibe for any ladies in need of a classy, yet comfortably dangerous night. As for below the belt....oh it's a fuckin bush down there...and they prefer their women the same way. Body hair ain't an obstacle for these martini-drinking wildmen...but then again, few things are when you're living life in the fast lane.

Go ahead, see if you can come up with some examples yourself. They may seem like they should be obsolete...but they're not. The Classic Male certainly doesn't blend into his surroundings, so you'll KNOW when you see one. If you're still a little fuzzy on just what one looks like...I'm not gonna post a link or a picture...all I'll say is...Google "Gigolo Jess." But be warned...there are things you can't unsee...