The Second Act

Authenticity : Find The Path To The Real You

2011-09-05T18:47:00.003+02:00

Change occurs, whether you want it or not. Maybe a major setback has left you powerless. Or maybe you are under stress, burnout is bubbling to the surface, you are unable to feel joy and to invest your life with meaning. You wake up every morning dreading the day and feeling like you should stay in bed. You avoid looking into your bathroom mirror because you are ashamed of your self-image. But is it really your self image ? Or is it shaped by conditioning ? By your struggle to "get along with the world" ?

Authenticity :
Being true to one's spirit despite external pressure

We are all conditioned to look for success, abundance, peace of mind, in the outer world. Whether we realize it or not, we follow in someone else's shoes. When we are stuck in a rut, when we suffer a major setback or when we simply feel unhappy, we try to find the reason in the outer world too. So, what seems to be the problem ? The job, the house, the spouse, the fame you will never get ? The job, the house, the spouse, the fame you no longer have ?

Maybe... Then why do you HEAR this voice constantly whispering in your ear that this is not the problem? That you are missing the point ? That there is a higher agenda ? Why does this voice - this other you - keep telling you that the answer is not in the outer but in the inner world ?

But... the key to your inner world seems to be missing ! You don't remember where you put it ? Of course you don't. You had been so busy climbing uphill during the "first act" of your life - building a career, raising a family, dealing with immediate concerns - that you have lost yourself, dumped your dreams and flattened your creativity in the process. In return, you got a false identity
and adopted a lifestyle that makes you feel like "you belong" but force you to play a part not consistent with your core values.

When are we authentic ?
When we feel we live on purpose

Think of that "fashion mistake" you still keep in your closet. You must have at least one, everybody does. You considered it a "must have" because of the brand or because it looked "fantastic" on somebody else. Even if it wasn't "quite you", you forced yourself to wear it anyway. Whenever you blame yourself for not daring to throw it away, you find the perfect excuse : it was sooo expensive ! Or : it was suuuch a bargain !

Likewise, the actions that earned you your false identity and the lifestyle that goes with it cost you so many efforts that you don’t dare to change them for the genuine "you". But when you are stuck and need to empower yourself to break free of your rut, this false identity is just dead load. Worse, it tells you that you must go "from setback to comeback".

Comeback to what? To a replay of your "first act", following the winner-takes-all prepared script and leading you to make the same mistakes, again and again. Fortunately, there is no magic carpet ready to take you "from setback to comeback". Yes, fortunately ! Don’t come back ! Go forward ! Accept the fact that your life must change. And take control of the change. Explore your authentic nature, tap into your strengths, skills, values you have hidden so deep that you no longer know you possess.

There is no map for your journey towards your authentic self. No how-to for a successful usage of your natural gifts. Only you know what is authentic for you. But we all know we're authentic when we invest what we do with meaning and when we feel we live on purpose.

Start with the following
To Do List

Accept the fact that your life must change
but...

Accept what cannot change.

Find the correspondence among what should be, what can be and what is.

Attain your needs before pursuing your wants.

Honor yourself.

Stop feeling guilty for honoring yourself.

Identify your inner critic : is it your father ? Your mother ? A teacher ? Society ? The media ?

Learn to say NO.

Learn to LET GO.

Say what you mean, do what you say.

Choose empathy over apathy.

Give what you want to receive.

Find humor in being human.

Live deliberately.

Enjoy the journey.

Appreciate the distance already covered.

Embrace passion.

First of all :
Allow yourself to dream

Not about a "perfect" life : about an authentic life. Use the power of your imagination to see the bigger picture, connect with those high qualities you have which make you unique – and lovable. What your authentic life would be like ? Visualize it. Visualize the road leading to it. It may be shorter than you think…

One can have no smaller or greater mastery than the mastery of oneself.

Leonardo Da Vinci

10 Tactics For Increasing Your Mental Ability

2011-08-29T18:11:00.004+02:00

No idea what to do with your lfe ? Start by getting your mind going first. Scientific research shows that exercising your brain keeps your mind from stagnating and creates the "cognitive reserve" you need when facing major changes. Fill the gap created by your productivity exhaustion and get back your motivation and creativity. Try these 10 tactics for increasing your mental ability.

Reconnect with the child inside. Play with food ! Be silly !
(Created by myself with my 10-year old daughter)
As mentioned in the previous post, when you are unable to figure out the action you need to take, don't waste your time going around and around in your head. Instead of misusing your brain, train your mind to think outside the box.

Brainstorm with yourself.
Make a list : write the first word that comes to your mind, then add 20-30 other words that come to mind. Read each word and write two things about it. As you do this, ideas will start flowing.

Have a conversation with your brain.
Let your mind flow then write down one of your random thoughts. Challenge an element of the thought with the question "What do I mean by this ?" Write down the answer. Challenge an element of the answer with the same question. Repeat this Q&A for 10 minutes, next day for 15 minutes, until you get into the habit of having a half an hour conversation with your brain every day.

Use both hemispheres.
Find out which hemisphere of your brain you use most. Take this Hemispheric Dominance test for instance (a brief explanation of the questions here). As you know, right-brain persons process from whole to parts, while left-brain persons process from parts to whole. For the first, the process is random and intuitive, for the second, it is linear and logical.

Tone your left hemisphere by practicing mathematical problems, word puzzles, learning a new language… Tone your right hemisphere by reading maps, creating metaphors, painting or drawing your thoughts instead of writing them down, etc.

And also :

Practice mindfulness.
Break the pattern of your activities.
Mix prose and poetry in your readings (and writings).
Do something you've never done before.
Go somewhere inspiring.
Make time to play cards, video games, chess, Scrabble, any game.

Above all :

Reconnect with the child inside.
Play with food, jump rope, finger paint, read children's stories… and be SILLY ! Ridiculous "what if" scenarios are actually a powerful tool for learning to think "outside the box". And, who knows ? One of those "what ifs" could prove to be a life changing idea !

These are just some of the ways you can take to maintain and increase your mental ability. Tell us about your tacttics to think outside the box.

Next : Move Into Your Authentic Self.

Back to : No Idea What To Do With Your Life ? Rejuvenate Your Brain.

Read more :
Boost Your Productivity With Hemingway's Hack.
Kick Start Your Creative Thinking.
Let Your Mistakes Be Part Of Your Style.

No Idea What To Do With Your Life ? Rejuvenate Your Brain !

2011-08-28T18:54:00.001+02:00

You are in transition. You wish you could create a major change. Instead you find yourself going around and around in your head, unable to sort things out. Will you ever fill the gap created by your productivity exhaustion and get back your motivation and energy ? Yes, you will : stop overusing, underusing, misusing your brain trying to figure out what action you need to take. Rejuvenate it first. Get your mind ready to create and direct your Second Act.

We can’t solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them.Albert Einstein

Make space for new ideas.
Your future self starts with where you are now. Take some time to explore yourself and sort things out. Reflect on your experiences, your relationships, your values. Think about the circumstances that triggered your most vivid emotions. Make a list of what turns you on and what turns you off. If you don't know where to start your exploration, take Proust's Questionnaire or Vanity Fair's interactive version.

Make space for creativity.
Find a calm space or rename your "work space" your "creativity space". Over time, your brain will learn to associate that room with imaginative thinking, goal setting, meditation. Surround your creativity space with objects that make you happy and/or trigger your creative juices.

Make the intangible tangible.
Start a journal and consider it the material equivalent of your thoughts. It doesn't have to be filled exclusively with words. Use your journal to express yourself with drawings, pictures, collages, pressed leaves or flowers, etc. Write down your rambling thoughts – including rambling thoughts for the future -,copy out stimulating quotes, annotate anything that might capture your attention and awaken your senses.

Don't be critical to the detriment of spontaneity. Let your mind flow. The written version of your thoughts and emotions helps you visualize conscious and subconscious conjectures. It clears your mind of stresses. It provides your creative self with a voice. Keeping a journal is an activity that generates its own momentum. Therefore it will help you regain momentum in various areas of your life and keep it going when you are in transition.

Make your brain active.
Exercise your body and your mind. Do you want your brain to produce new ideas for life? You must feed it first. Physical exercise not only increases oxygen flow into the brain, it also stimulates the growth of fresh brain cells. Neuroscientists at Cambridge University have shown that running has a big impact on mental ability, by stimulating the brain to grow fresh grey matter.

Scientific research also shows that exercising your brain keeps your mind from stagnating and creates the "cognitive reserve" you need when facing major changes. In the next post you will discover 10 tactics for maintaining and increasing your mental ability.

These are just some of the ways you can take to get your mind going. Tell us about your experiences with rejuvenating your brain.

Next : 10 Tactics For Increasing Your Mental Ability.

Read more :
Kick Start Your Creative Thinking.
How Multitasking Messes With Your Brain.
Get Back Your Energy When You Get The Blues.

Kick Start Your Creative Thinking

2011-08-24T00:36:00.000+02:00

We are all creative. Every day. In many ways. Yet many people believe creativity belongs exclusively to "artists". This self-limiting belief discourages them from attempting major life changes, blocks their road to authenticity, forces them to live frustrating lives, full of bitterness over lost opportunities.

To develop your creativity, train yourself to : think and act imaginatively > use your imaginative activity for a purpose > generate something original (which challenges the norm) and valuable (which surprises, inspires, helps other people).

In other words, train yourself to think "outside the box" and offer the fruit of your creative thinking to the world.

Is it that simple ? No. Many of us believe that creativity starts with a "great idea" or with a "solution". A great idea for what ? A solution to what ? There are zillions of great ideas that nobody cares to adapt, or solutions to problems that nobody cares to adopt. Creative thinking doesn't start with ideas or solutions, but with THE problem.
The Eiffel Tower was just a "crazy idea" before its inauguration in 1889.
It is now the most visited monument in the world. © Dan Drafta, 2010.
Every great discovery, every masterpiece sprang up from an unsolved problem (or an unanswered question). One day somebody turned the problem into a challenge. What's in a problem ? Something that doesn't work, that is not wanted, involving "doubt, uncertainty, difficulty", to quote the dictionary. What's in a challenge? Something that you desire, that you want to overcome, a call to engage in a contest…

Viewing a problem as a challenge consists in examining and interpreting the problem to give it new meaning. This is much simpler than it sounds. Just ask yourself :

Why is this a problem ?
Is there something else behind it ?
How can I learn more about it ?
What can I do about it ?
What is at stake ?
What experiment(s) can I perform to solve it ?

DON'T TELL YOURSELF :

- I am not creative.
- If something works well, there is no need to change it.
- I have a problem, I need a solution, fast !
- Creative people always have good ideas.
- Criticism will help improve my creativity.
- My brain will store my ideas,
I don't need to write them down.

Now is the moment to start generating idea. Plenty of ideas. Don't censor yourself. Don't give up at the first "stupid" idea that comes to mind. Don't rush into implementing the first "good" idea that comes to mind either. Instead, ask yourself : "How can I develop this silly idea into a good idea ? How can I develop this good idea into a better idea ?"

Remember : an idea is a fragile flower. Think twice before sharing it. And when you do, don't discard your idea when it gets criticized. Again, turn the problem into a challenge : Ask your critics to improve it. Let's see how creative they are !

Self-limiting beliefs : how to update your Belief System

2011-08-18T16:27:00.000+02:00

Self-limiting beliefs operate at a deep level and lead us to self-sabotage. They are outdated software, blocking our growth and discarding all possibility of a major life change. Start training your mind to delete them.

In Snow White, when the Queen asks her mirror : "Who in the land is fairest of all", the mirror replies : "You are". And the Queen believes it. Until one day, the mirror responds : "Snow White is fairer". And the Queen believes it too.

We all have an inner mirror in our head and we all indulge in chattering with it. And the result is our Belief System. Some of our beliefs about ourselves are positive, some are negative. All operate at a deep level and affect our journey through life, including the way we manage change. Visualizing the destination, setting goals and building steps for an action plan are all useless efforts if the starting point – our belief system – is limiting.

Limiting beliefs come from parents, society, coping mechanisms we develop to protect ourselves each time we are exposed to adversity . But we tend to hang on to them, failing to notice that they are no longer appropriate to the circumstances. They become outdated software, blocking our growth and discarding all possibility of a major life change.

Things just happen. Life is like this. No pain no gain. You have to grab what you can… And also : You are not beautiful enough, not smart enough, not educated enough…

"No use in trying", concludes the inner mirror. "Remember? You tried once and failed". Thus, our limiting Belief System forces us into actions leading to self-punishment, self-sabotage, self-defeat. Updating the system is easier said than done. Why? Because it validates our procrastination, our fear of failure, our reluctance to leave our comfort zone for the "great unknown".

Ask yourself :

1. Which are the top 5 things that I control in my life?
2. Which are the top 5 things that I cannot control in my life?
3. Which are the things that I am not sure I can control and why?
4. Which are the 5 most important choices I made in the last 12 months?
5. Am I getting closer to or farther from my vision of successfull living?
6. Is my goal possible? Desirable? Worthwhile? Why?
7. What is holding me back?
8. What propels me forward?
9. Which are the areas in my life that bring me joy? Pain? That I try to ignore?
10. Am I satisfied with my creativity?

To effect change :

- Accept that your beliefs are not permanent.
- Understand that they are not based on evidence but on assumptions.
- List past decisions for your life that did not work.
- Analyze how they were influenced by beliefs.
- Congratulate yourself each time you identify negative beliefs.
- Recall when, how, why you adopted them.
- Start training your mind to say "CANCEL" when they manifest themselves.
- Stay away from toxic, "can't do" people.

Above all, stop acting according to what you think is true - your beliefs - and start acting according to what you know is important to you - your values.

Time Management Tool : The Stress Diary

2011-06-01T19:53:00.000+02:00

As mentioned in the Introduction to the Time Management Series, make self-observation the starting point to managing your time differently. Don’t try to change immediately the way you organize your day. That would be a waste of time. You need to get some distance from yourself first. Start by finding the answers to 7 questions that will help you identify your time management capacities. (Read Questions 1-3 here, Question 4 here).

Q#5 How do you manage stress ?

Time management and stress management are closely interrelated : poor stress management will trigger poor time management. Poor time management will bring about stress. But stress is not always « bad » : it is simply your body’s response to anything that upsets your balance.

Good stress boosts excitement, thrill, energy. It helps you focus, meet your challenges and your deadlines. Bad stress undermines your productivity, your time management efforts, your self-esteem. It causes heavy damage to your health and quality of life.

What’s your limit ? How much stress is too much for you ? What is stressful to you ? Is stress caused only by external factors or is it also self-generated ? How do you respond to it ?

The easiest way to find the answers to these questions is to start a short-term (2 weeks) stress diary, like the one shown below (from Mind Tools) :
Click to enlarge

Make daily entries in your diary for two weeks ( 3-5 times a day is even better). Write down the mood you are experiencing. Also, make an entry after each particularly stressful event. Besides date and time, write down how happy/unhappy you felt at the time of the event, on a scale of 0 to 10 (most unhappy to happiest you’ve ever been).

You also want to record how stressed you felt at that time on a 0 to 10 scale (most relaxed to most stressful you’ve ever been) ; the symptoms ; the fundamental cause ; how well you managed the situation – did your reaction solve the problem or worsen it ?

You will start to feel the benefit of keeping a stress diary from the very first week. After two weeks, proceed to analyzing your diary :

list the most frequent stresses ;
list the most unpleasant stresses (write down the most unpleasant at the top of the list) ;
list the recurrent stressors (situations that cause you stress) ;
look at how you managed those stressors : how they affected your well-being, how you behaved, how stress influenced the outcome of the situation…

In another post, I will tell you about some simple tools meant to reduce + plan + manage stress, helping you to become better prepared for stressful situations. But these tools are useless if you don’t start by keeping a diary and working through it. Analyzing your entries is a powerful tool in itself : it reveals the frequency and the importance of stressors in your life, it shows you the limit to your ability to tolerate stress and the level of stress at which you feel happiest.

It also helps you to become aware of your reactions and the symptoms you show when under stress. Next time you will feel them, you will identify the causes and manage them much better. And this will help you manage your time even better.

Next post :
Observe Your Capacities, Part IV.
Questions about : Time Bandits, Work area.

Back to :
The Introduction to the Time Management Series.
Part I : Observe Your Capacities.
Part II : Excellence vs Perfection.

Excellence vs Perfection. Managing Your Time Part II

2011-04-27T21:00:00.000+02:00

Become the master of your own day, experts say. Become the master of your own way first, as I say in the Introduction to this series. Explore your time management potential by answering the 7 questions listed in this three-part article (you will find questions 1-3 in Part I).

Q#4 Excellence or perfection ?

I am a coach in «professional development» at a Communication and Journalism School in Paris. I always tell my students : «Stop wanting to be the best. Start wanting to be the best solution. And let mistakes be part of your style. Then, you will become an adult».

There is a thin line between desire for excellence and perfectionism. Unfortunately, this line is often crossed during the peak hours of the day mentioned at Q#2. Ask yourself how much prime productivity time you waste trying to avoid mistakes and making your tasks perfect. In doing so, you just don’t get things done.

Sometimes you focus so much on the results that you don’t even get things started. Having your eye on the prize disintegrates momentum => you are stuck=>you no longer have the guts to take risks=>you no longer have the imagination to create opportunities.

What’s in a perfectionist ?

Observe not only yourself but also people around you. We all mixed socially or worked with at least one person who proudly announced himself/herself as «perfectionist». Now think about their efficiency and you will realize that, very often, this «perfectionism» was the «perfect» excuse for not getting things done in time or for not getting things done at all. Actually perfectionists are rarely successful.

Think also of their attitude : perfectionists are angry, frustrated people.They are control-freaks. They think they know the « one right way ». They need to make others feel wrong or inferior. Therefore they are toxic. If possible, try to avoid rubbing shoulders with them. Also try to avoid imitating them.

Are you a perfectionist ?

Do you second guess yourself constantly ?
Do you feel there is a «right» and a «wrong» way to complete a task ?
If you are running out of time to finish a project, do you prefer to finish it late but to your high standards ?
Do you give up when you try something and you find you are not so good at it ?
If you make a mistake, do you think you are incapable and tend to get down on yourself ?
If you make a mistake, do you fear others ill reject you ?
When you look at somebody else’s work, do you focus on the mistakes he’s made ?
Are you uncomfortable with alternative ways of getting things done ?
Would you rather work till you drop and do everything yourself than delegate some tasks to other people ?
When you set a goal, do you tend to focus on the results ?

If your (honest) answer is « yes » to at least 5 of these 10 questions, you have perfectionist tendencies. Possibly you think you are more effective because of them. Therefore you don’t fully realize how much they complicate your life, rob you of your self esteem and get your stress level out of control.

Tell us more about your answers to these 10 questions in the Comments.

Can you overcome your perfectionist tendencies ?

Yes, you can. The journey may be a long one, but here are some useful tips for your travelling bag.

Journal your perfectionist thoughts. At the end of the day, block off 15-20 minutes to remember and describe the moments when you felt stuck, made a mistake, got overstressed or overscheduled, etc. Don’t write only about your feelings, try also to remember your thoughts and what that little devil – your inner critic – told you at that time to further torture your brain. After 7 to 10 days of journaling, you will notice that the patterns behind a variety of thoughts and situations are always the same. Identifying the patterns will help you challenge them => change them.

Recognize that change takes time. This will be your first step from «perfect» to «acceptable». Altering your perfectionist traits cannot happen overnight. You need to keep challenging them, experience setbacks and get back on track to make real progress.

Praise yourself and others. Now this is some huge step ! A perfectionist would rather whip himself than feeling good about the way he accomplished a task. And he would rather rot in hell than praise others. A perfectionist always focuses on what could have been done better or instead.

Learning to praise yourself for your achievements starts with :

1. Setting «bite-sized goals», meant to reduce stress ;
2. Focusing on the process not on the goal itself ;
3. Enjoying every small success in the process (why not start with forgiving yourself the next time you make a mistake ?).

Pamper yourself. You can never find time for yourself ? Of course you can’t ! This is just one of the many ways perfectionists punish themselves for not being good enough. Again, start with a «bite-size goal» : take a nap ! You don’t even have to sleep. Just relax for half an hour and allow yourself to daydream : this will help you see the bigger picture (learn more about Productive Daydreaming here).

So stretch out ! Begin sloooowly. It is perfectly acceptable.

Next post :
Observe Your Capacities, Part III. Questions about :
Goal-related tasks, Time Bandits, Work area.

Back to :
Part I : Manage Your Time From The Inside Out.

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and stay updated on the release date of my FREE REPORT Visualize Success : Dress the Part.

Manage Your Time From The Inside Out : Observe Your Capacities

2011-04-08T16:18:00.000+02:00

As mentioned in the Introduction to this series, if you want to learn how to manage your time, you better start by learning who you are. Instead of rushing to adopt other people’s time management techniques, adapt techniques to your personality. Explore your potential by answering to the 7 questions listed in this three-part article.

Time well managed is the key to the only goal that matters : your authentic life. We all have some sort of vision about the ideal lifestyle we would like to create. Also about what we should do to become our best self. But how and when are we supposed to take action ? How to win the battle against all those urgent tasks that stand in our way every day ? When is the best time to focus on the priority tasks, the ones that trigger personal success and fulfillment ?

Make self-observation the starting point to managing your time differently. Check your impressions, emotions, reactions of the day. Analyze your accomplishments but also the things that didn’t get done as planned. What was the obstacle to your progress ? Was it :

Lack of planning and priorities ? Disorganization ? Procrastination ? Stress ? Time wasters ? Etc…

Don’t try to change immediately the way you organize your day. That would be a waste of time. You need to get some distance from yourself first. Start by finding the answers to the following 7 questions.They will help you identify your time management capacities.

Part I :
Limits, Best time of day, Worst chores

Q#1 Where are your limits ?

It’s a vicious circle : you set an unrealistic goal => fail to accomplish it => feel unproductive. Before setting a goal and planning action, you need to find out the limits to your work capacity. For instance, you may move mountains when you work 40 hours a week, but get stuck if you have to do it for more than 45 hours.

Don’t listen to the generally held opinion that success needs hard work. This opinion is shared by insecure people, who feel they are never doing enough. Remember that more is not better and that work is not a goal in itself, but a means to accomplish it. If you go beyond your limits, you will not only become inefficient, you will loose sight of your goal => back into the vicious circle.

Q#2 What is your best time of day ?

Many productivity experts advise you to start your day by accomplishing your priority tasks. Actually not many people get the most out of themselves in the morning. Observe yourself and get aware of your peak and non-peak cycles and put your priority tasks and thought-intensive work in the right time slots. Use the time beforehand and after for automated tasks.

Of course, managing your sleep and meals properly helps you to extend or displace those «power time» slots and benefit from your most productive time. Most people waste their energy digesting difficult food. Greasy breakfasts and heavy high-carb lunches cause a sudden fatigue which may last for 2-3 hours. On the contrary, fresh fruit or juice, vegetable salads, water and green tea will help perk you up.

Q#3 What do you hate to do ?

What is the difference between people who get things started and people who get things finished ? The ability of pushing through unenjoyable tasks to work on the enjoyable ones. Most of us can be counted on to get things done. Except… those things we should have done yesterday, last week, last month… A good many of them are repetitive tasks : basic chores, common checks, boring parts of otherwise interesting projects.

1. Identify the ugly tasks that don’t get done on a regular basis =>
2. Time how long it takes you to complete each one of them =>
3. Put them into proportion.

You will find out that many of the tasks that you keep avoiding like plagues take only a few minutes to complete. It is letting them hang over your head that is time-consuming. Timing them one by one will help you realize how insignificant they are.

When your brain stops overestimating the time it would require, the ugly task goes where it belongs : on the non issue-list.

Next post :
Observe Your Capacities, Part II :
Perfect vs. Acceptable.

Back to :
Manage Your Time Effortlessly - Introduction.

5 Reasons To Believe In People Again

2010-02-15T21:01:00.016+01:00

Turn on the news and the first thing you are likely to hear about is some scam, brutal murder or identity theft. With all this in mind it is no wonder that communities don’t know each other anymore. It's not just a factor of size, it's a factor of trust.

We have stopped believing in people. This creates a vicious cycle of tension between ourselves and our neighbors. We start assuming that everyone is out to get us and, because each of us begins to harbor this mindset, we treat each other with suspicion : being treated with suspicion only confirms to the neighbor that you are hiding something, and the cycle continues. We have to stop this. Here are 5 reasons to start believing in people again.

Article by Justin Dixon from AlittleBetter

1. People behave according to the way they are treated.
An interesting experiment was done with a group of students where instead of telling the students what their actual scores were, all students were told a random score. Students that were told they would need extra help started doing poorly in school even though they were given the extra help. Students that were told they did very well and didn’t need teacher supervising anymore started doing much better in class even though they were getting less help. It did not matter what their grades were before the test.

So again. We end up creating a vicious cycle, if we do not learn to show some faith in people.

2. People want to be good.
Can you think of one person who when asked what they wanted to be when they grew up responded with “the worse person I can be”? Nobody goes out of there way to do something bad. Nobody casts themselves as the bad guy. Do you? Why would you be the exception?

3. People want to be helpful.
Private charities give 4 times as much money annually to good causes than every state program including peace corps put together. Habitat for Humanity put together WAY more houses than FEMA. We don’t have to force people to be helpful. People do this on their own. It gives their lives a sense of purpose. A quick way you can check this with yourself is when you see someone hurting : do you not want to help? Everyone has that, even if we don’t always act on it (mostly out of fear of one another).

4. We are all in this together.
Every one has some burden to carry. There is not one person on this planet who doesn’t. On top of that every single one of us is trying to figure out the one way to live that is going to have the best results for him.

5. You can inspire others.
When you choose to believe the best in people you often end up pulling it out. When you pull the best out of others the best of yourself comes out as well.

So what can we do with all this? You can invite your neighbors over for dinner. You can start conversations with people. You can give others a chance. You can open up a little. While the media may only focus on the negative stuff, that would be because it is news when it happens. Reach out to others, ask for help, offer help, but whatever you do make sure to at least give people a chance.

This work by Justin Dixon is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike 3.0 United States License. Based on a work at alittlebetter.net.

Previous post : 8 Glasses Of Water A Day Keep The Doctor Away

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Your comment is valuable :
- What are YOUR reasons to
believe in people ?
- How do you open up to people ?

8 Glasses Of Water A Day... Keep The Doctor Away

2010-02-15T14:53:00.007+01:00

QUICK TIP OF THE WEEK We should drink the equivalent of 6 to 8 glasses of water each day to increase our energy, concentration and abilities, according to nutritionists (8x8-once cups). Not to mention weight loss, a healthier looking skin, removing toxins from the body and tens of other benefits. So trick yourself into this simple routine and become an addict of the "magic potion":

Drink a glass of water when you wake, to rehydrate your body and regulate your appetite.
Fill half of your glass of fruit juice with water.
Replace one of your typical choice of drinks with a glass of water. Start by replacing one, then try to replace two, three...
Eat fruit and vegetables with high water content : tomatoes and watermelons for instance contain 90 to 95% water. Pears are high-high mosture content feeds too (they have an average dry matter of only 17%). There is an old French saying : "Garde une poire pour la soif" (when you're thirsty, have a pear).
Drink less coffee : caffeine causes the body to lose water.
Always have a fresh supply of water at hand while working. Think about it : a 2% drop in body water triggers difficulty focusing on a screen or printed page.
Don't drink only when you are thirsty. Our body doesn't always tells the truth about how much water it really needs. Especially as we get older, our body loses the ability to tell when it's thirsty. So you should drink about three cups more than your thirst tells you to.
Create a daily water schedule : one glass after lunch, one at "tea time", one after dinner... Or get in the habit of drinking a small glass of water after each trip to the restroom.

Next article : 5 Reasons To Believe In People Again
Previous article : Manage Your Time - Forget Rules, Invent Your Own

Manage Your Time Effortlessly – Forget Rules, Invent Your Own

2010-02-10T01:56:00.012+01:00

Good news : the fact that you read this means you are actively searching for ways to better manage your time. You have a reason for doing this : you want to move forward with your life, get out of inertia, make major personal changes, achieve success and growth. You have a vision and you have a goal. But this is not enough. You need to get on track and to stay on track. First, you need to get started.

This article is the Introduction to a multi-part series on time management made easy. As editor of several magazines, professional coach and single mom, I have some experience in time management. I made extensive research and tested various methods, both at the office and at home.

And I came to the following conclusion : if you really want to learn how to manage your time, you better start by learning who you are. Instead of rushing to adopt other people’s expert strategies, adapt strategies to your personality and potential. Because they are unique.

As Goethe’s Faust says :

Before you can do something you must first be something.

I prefer to say : Before you can do something you must first be SOMEBODY. In short : be first, do later.

There are zillions of time management experts out there. Each one of them will tell you that his way of planning+prioritizing+time activating is the best, the only way. Maybe. Or maybe not. For example : some of them preach the virtues of « 2 minute tasks » (and sell you the « 2-minute timer » to better implement the rule…). Some others swear by the « 3-minute Power Tasker », which is the same rule + one minute bonus.

But what if the task that these guys accomplish in two or three minutes is a task you can accomplish in one minute ? Or five ? Are you a better or a worse manager of your time ? No, you are simply a different manager. Your relation to time is unique, as is your pace.

Now, don’t mistake pace for routine. The first is natural, the second is artificial in most cases. Routines are imposed on us by the outside world. We submit to them in order to avoid or solve crises. We no longer dictate, we react.
As you may have already noticed, the same old, tiresome, routines produce the same old, unsatisfactory, results. It’s up to you to set a starting point to managing your time differently. Some experts consider time management a goal, others say « it is a journey, not a destination ». I (who am an apprentice) say it is the vehicle carrying you, your visions, your goals, your action plans, to the only destination that matters : your authentic life.

Once you start the vehicle, you will get momentum. But before that, you need to learn how to drive it. You also need to find an answer to the question : « What kind of driver am I » ?

Who decides what you are about to do, what you plan to do, what you dream to do ? You ? Other people ? Outside forces ? Destiny ? Life, because « that’s life, you know » ? If you want to be the captain of your starship Enterprise, you must prepare for the job. Then, you need to adjust your seat before saying the magic words : « Engage ! Maximum warp ! »

So don’t start implementation of other people’s time management techniques, strategies and tips before exploring your potential, before getting control over what will happen to you in the next minutes, days, months, years…

And for this, you need… time. Training time. Time for :

observing yourself,
experimenting with different techniques,
making appointments with yourself,
learning to write things down.

(I will detail all these topics and more in the next articles of the series).

Some of us will need only a week of self-training. Others will need a month. Or two. Whatever. You can be sure of one thing : the time you will be spending in training yourself (to observe, to test, to review), is not wasted, but well invested. Once you have learned who you are with respect to Time, you will be able to take control over it. Then, and only then, you will stop asking yourself the question which tortures so many minds :

Do I do this or that?

In the next article of this series I will discuss self-observation and exploration of various time-management tactics.

Previous article : The Goal-Progress Review With Your Goal Buddy.
Next article : 8 Glasses Of Water A Day Keep The Doctor Away.

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- How do you deal with your time ?
- Who decides what you do during the day ?
- Do you often rethink what you have done ?

The Goal Progress Review With Your Goal Buddy : Ready To Use Format+Worksheet

2010-02-03T21:48:00.030+01:00

The goal progress review with your accountability partner is a powerful motivational tool for achieving your goal. Discover the format, questions and worksheet that will help you both to track your goals during your meetings.

In Part I and Part II of the Successful Goal Buddy System Series, I encouraged you to follow 3 rules and 5 guidelines when choosing an accountability partner and building a system which will help both of you reach your goals. Now you also need to decide on the procedure to follow during your goal-tracking meetings.

The Meeting Format

Topic #1 : ACTION
Share with your accountability partner on the following questions:

Are you following your action plan ?
What progress have you made toward your goal since the last meeting?
What obstacles (inner and external) did you encounter ?
What is your plan to overcome them ?
What do you plan to accomplish by the next meeting?
Is anything in your action plan that needs improvement ?
Is anything in my action plan that needs improvement ?

TOPIC #2 : RESOURCES
Share with your accountability partner on the following questions:

What information do you need to help you toward your goal ?
What significant new information did you gather since the last meeting ?
What do you plan to study in order to overcome both inner and external obstacles ?
Are your other resources (money, time, support) still adequate to your action plan ?

Topic #3 : PERSONAL GROWTH
Share with your accountability partner on the following questions:

Is this goal easier or harder than expected?
Are you happy with your progress ?
Do you still want to accomplish this specific goal or do you need to revise it ?
Did you notice self-sabotage tendencies since our last meeting ? If yes, what can I do to help you deal with it ?
How did you reward yourself for your progress since the last meeting ?
Is our partnership still useful and motivational for you ?
If yes, what can we do to celebrate both our progress and our successful goal buddy system

Remember : While you should take your partnership seriously, the aim of a goal buddy system is to make goal achievement a lighthearted experience.

The Goal Progress Review Worksheet
Last year I started a goal buddy system with my friend Myriam. We are both journalists and former co-workers.

Prior to our first goal-checking phone call, I had built a simple worksheet - using Word - to monitor our progress during meetings (our goals and deadlines were similar, which is a plus point when creating an accountability partnership). We both found it a helpful tool. We took turns in filling the cells and shared the worksheet by e-mail after each meeting.

Now that we both accomplished our goals, I want to share it with you. The worksheet is ready to use for weekly phone calls - therefore for "weekly goals" you set with your partner to monitor your progress. Of course, you can adapt it to the specifics of your goals, add cells according to your schedule and the time-limit you set for your partnership. But my advice is : keep it simple.

Click to enlarge

Enjoy your journey toward your goal.
And thank you again for visiting The Second Act.

Return to Part I :
The 3 golden rules when choosing your goal-buddy.

Return to Part II :
5 guidelines for a successful goal-buddy system.

Share with us :
Your thoughts and experience about a successful goal-buddy system.

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- Have you ever used a goal buddy system ?
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Curb Multitasking By Practicing Mindfulness

2010-01-30T18:25:00.007+01:00

One best way to curb our irresistible attraction towards multitasking is practicing mindfulness. Mindfulness IS doing one thing at a time. According to Buddhists, it was Buddha who, over 2500 years ago, provided guidance on establishing mindfulness. However, you don’t need to become a Buddhist in order to understand mindfulness ; its practice does not have to be constrained to a formal meditation session. Any activity done mindfully is a form of meditation, and mindfulness is possible practically all the time.

Let’s admit it : it’s difficult to resist our intuitive belief that doing several things at once will save time. More so because (a little) multitasking CAN BE a good thing. But we’re humans : we always want MORE.

Besides, we are educated and trained to use constantly the « executive control » processes of our brain, hence to believe that « thinking » means anticipating, linking to the past, organizing, analyzing, judging, whatever comes to mind.

By doing so, we neglect, even discard a quite different «mental content», rooted in our awareness of the present moment. We often consider reflecting on the sensations, emotions and feelings that come with the present experience as counterproductive, since they distract us from the more serious task of «thinking» : this is musing, daydreaming...

But what if, instead of fighting it, we dive in this mental content and explore it in order to reach another, higher form of action ? After all, Marcel Proust said :

If a little dreaming is dangerous, the cure for it is not to dream less but to dream more, to dream all the time.

(We’ll let Marcel Proust tell us how he discovered mindfulness in another article).

Let’s change «dreaming all the time» in «being mindful all the time». Mindfulness practice starts with paying attention to what is going on in the body, in the mind, in our emotional life here and now. In short, mindfulness means having «presence» - the quintessential quality of awareness that creates peak experiences in living.

By bringing your awareness to focus on what your mind experiences at the present moment, you can :

accurately perceive what is really happening – both outside and inside yourself ;
appreciate this present experience without the need to judge it ;
take effective action.

In his book, Wherever You Go, There You Are: Mindfulness Meditation in Everyday Life, Jon Kabat-Zinn offers a good definition of mindfulness :

Mindfulness means paying attention in a particular way : on purpose, in the present moment and non-judgmentally.

This reminds me of a photographer who, when asked what it takes to make a good photo, answered : «Being there».

So how can you get « there » ?

A. Identify experience as mental content (consider both inner and outer aspects of reality as aspects of the mind) :

Notice that the mind is continually full of chatter (making commentary or judgement) ;
Become aware that this chattering you hear during «thinking» is no more than a discursive habit, a «script» ;
Admit that the «script» or the «voice» you hear may not be concrete reality or absolute truth ;
Distinguish your thoughts (by carefully observing them) from these «scripts» ;
Release attachment to predispositions, «scripts» or «automatic reactions» and see your thoughts for what they are (just thoughts) without aversion or judgment.

B. Feel free to observe life without getting caught in the commentary/judgement trap or in the automatic identification with the «voices» and «scripts» your mind forges when «thinking».

By practicing mindfulness, you learn to «be there», to develop awareness throughout the day. The aim is to make mindfulness continuous. This may take the form of nothing more than taking a few successive breaths while remembering they are a conscious experience of body activity within mind. Or nothing more than observing a flower, the way Marcel Proust learned to do.

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Hack Your Brain Into Productive Daydreaming

2010-01-24T18:55:00.011+01:00

One of the most undermining productivity myths associates daydreaming with laziness and lack of discipline. The common belief that mind wandering is a bad habit actually prevents us from being effective in accomplishing major life changes or successful at reaching important goals. As mentioned in the Productive Daydreaming Series, a recent study found that while we are daydreaming, our mind is actually hard at work, sorting through problems and grasping the «bigger picture». Take the 6 steps to hacking your brain into productive daydreaming or continue by learning more about the new scientific findings.

Brain's Problem-Solving Function At Work When We Daydream, the study led by the University of British Columbia (Canada) and published in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, shows that « our brains are very active when we daydream – much more active than when we focus on routine tasks », explains lead author, Professor Kalina Christoff, UBC Department of Psychology.

fMRI brain scans from UBC Mind Wandering Study. (Credit: Courtesy of Kalina Christoff)
You already heard about brain’s « default network » and « executive network ». The first, which incudes the medial prefrontal cortex (PFC), the posterior cingulate cortex and the temporoparietal junction, is linked to easy, routine mental activity. The second, which includes the lateral PFC and the dorsal anterior cingulate cortex, is associated with high-level, complex problem-solving.

Although we all know anecdotes about « miraculous » discoveries resulting from daydreaming – Arthur Fry inventing the Post-It while daydreaming during Sunday sermon in church is a famous one – we are taught to consider it a sign of procrastination, a bad habit we indulge in whenever we « don’t want to think ».

Why ?

Until the findings of UBC's study, scientists had been positive about the « default network » being the only part of the brain to remain active when our minds wander. But Christoff and her colleagues demonstrate that the « executive network » also lights up during daydreaming. More important : during the experiment, they also found that the less subjects were aware that their mind was wandering, the more both networks were activated !

Subjects were placed inside an fMRI scanner, where they performed a simple routine task : pushing a button when numbers appeared on a screen. The researchers tracked participants' attentiveness moment-to-moment through brain scans, subjective reports from subjects and by tracking their performance on the task.

« This is a surprising finding, that these two brain networks are activated in parallel », says Christoff. « Until now, scientists have thought they operated on an either-or basis – when one was activated, the other was thought to be dormant. »

« When you daydream, you may not be achieving your immediate goal – say reading a book or paying attention in class – but your mind may be taking that time to address more important questions in your life, such as advancing your career or personal relationships », concludes the researcher.

According to other scientific findings, daydreaming can occupy as much as one third of our waking lives. So stop feeling guilty and follow Marcel Proust’s advice, whose effectiveness is now scientifically proven :

« If a little dreaming is dangerous, the cure for it is not to dream less but to dream more, to dream all the time. »

Start hacking your brain into productive daydreaming or go to the Introduction to my 3-part series.

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How to get rid of excuses by visualization : my five-step method

2010-01-23T18:14:00.001+01:00

I am sure you've heard this many times : "visualize your goals" ! The vision of your goal will make you realize that you are capable of whatever you put your mind to. But what if, while visualizing your goal, you are feeling negative about your ability to complete it ? You don’t have the contacts, you don’t know where to start, there’s too much competition… These self-limiting beliefs will prevent you from projecting yourself into the outcome that you really want to achieve. One easy way to break the cycle of self-pity and doubt is to VISUALIZE YOUR EXCUSES and change them into images of self-confidence. Discover my five-step method bellow.

If you read this, I bet you know one or two things about procrastination. I do too. We all do. Procrastination is a natural phenomenon and even the most purposeful person is tempted to put off what she/he can do today until tomorrow. There is always a « good reason » for it, especially when an important change in your life is at stake.

"before" and "after" images of yourself

Each one of these excuses is fear of commitment in disguise. A sly hydra, as I see it, who lures you into a well of unproductive exhaustion. To beat the hydra, you first need to discover her many faces. This is much simpler than it sounds : all you have to do is follow self-growth experts’ advice and write down what you would like to accomplish, then write down your excuses for not taking action and challenge the reasoning behind each of them.

But you can do more : create a visual representation of your excuses and of yourself as an excuse-maker. Then transform these visions into visions of action and self-confidence. You can use vision boards, virtual galleries, drawing software, or just pen and paper, plus some glue.
Here are my method and my vision boards and sketches, based on my «favorite» excuses : « I don't have enough strength for a fresh start », « I don’t know where to start », « I’m too old for this ».

Make a list of your excuses for not taking action on what you would like to accomplish. Then read it aloud : does it make you feel uneasy ? Good ! Discomfort is a sign that deep inside you know that nothing justifies your inaction and that you are ready for change.
Rewrite your excuses with a confident statement. For instance, if one of the excuses on your list is « I’m not ready », you can write : « I’m not ready, this is not the perfect moment, but then the perfect moment may never come, so let’s take action today, before adding ‘it’s too late’ on my list of excuses. »
Visualize yourself as an excuse-maker and as an excuse-killer. Try to get inspiration from your list of excuses and draw your self-portrait as an excuse-maker. Don’t try to make a work of art, just draw a sketch expressing clearly your fear of commitment. Do you like what you see ? No ? Great !

Now read again your list of confident statements and reshape your self-portrait as an excuse-maker into your self-portrait as an excuse-killer and a doer. Again, this is not art. I find my self-portraits quite ludicrous but, at least, in the second one I stand up !
Click to enlarge

Make a vision board of your excuses. You can search for symbolic images on the Internet (or in some magazines). I, for my part, chose to visualize my three main recurrent excuses. I think the images I found speak for themselves, but feel free to add captions or a collage of words.
Click to enlarge

Finally, make a vision board of self-confidence, showing symbolic images that are the opposite of the ones you chose for your vision board of excuses. You can keep your two vision boards and your two self-portraits side by side (close to the vision board of your goals, if you already made one) and contemplate them as «before and after» images of yourself. Which they are.

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Get Back Your Energy When You Get The Blues

2010-01-20T22:39:00.015+01:00

by Tessa Ivascu

Are you feeling bored ? Depressed ? Exhausted ? Sad ? Is this one of your unproductive, low motivation days ? Here are 12 ways that can help you recharge your batteries. And, who knows, even trigger the growth of new brain cells (read #10) ! The first six are clues for your mind, the others for your actions. They all depend on the flexibility of your schedules. But whatever you choose to get out of the blues, keep in mind that : a) you should not fight the blues ; b) in an unproductive day, you are more productive than you think.

CLUES FOR YOUR MIND

#1. Explore the blue feeling.
Instead of trying to push it away, delve in it for information. Find the reason (there is always a reason) why you are feeling blue. Maybe you need to stay on low motivation for a moment after some important emotional, intellectual or physical effort. Elation, fear, enthusiasm, depression are all part of your emotional cycle. Take into account that the blues is a temporary feeling and do not miss the opportunity to learn something out of it. More so because…

#2. Blues is a natural emotion.
What is an « emotion » ? It is « energy-in-motion ». Both positive and negative emotions serve important functions. A « blue feeling » shows that there is something you don’t know and/or you cannot deal with at the moment. If you ignore it or pretend you are in a « good mood », you might miss noticing things that are wrong – and never be able to solve them. Therefore…

#3. Don't blame yourself.
Everybody has low motivation moments. This doesn’t mean you will not be able to achieve your goals and dreams. And…

#4. Don't blame others.
Some specific event or person may have triggered the feeling, but they are NOT not the reason why you are feeling down right now. You can choose to feel differently if you want to. But…

#5. Stay away from negative people.
They are more contagious than the positive ones. Why ? Because we naturally have so many doubts about ourselves ! Therefore, try to stay away from people who complain constantly about everything, make big deals out of nothing, blame everyone else for their problems. Instead…

#6. Recollect good moments and successes with a positive friend.
Call one of your « cheerleaders » and talk for a few minutes about your past accomplishments, about actions, attitudes and skills that made you successful – or simply joyful.

CLUES FOR YOUR ACTIONS

#7. Don’t try to organize
your wardrobe, files or drawers. Since you are in an unproductive day, you may think you must do something, anything, to feel productive and change your mood. But when you got the blues, nothing is more depressing than going through old papers, family pictures, letters or jewels, clothes that bring back memories of long gone happy days. French people call this state of mind cafard, which literally means « bug » They are right. Stay away from it. Instead…

#8. Please your senses.
Buy yourself a rose and contemplate the mysterious perfection of its petals (being in the present moment, while contemplating a flower or a tree, is a simple, effective mindfulness exercise). Cut a lemon or an orange in two, smell it, extract its juice and drink it (citrus scents are naturally uplifting). Take a bath and wash yourself with a sea wool sponge. Or…

#9. Change your environment.
If you are inside, go for a walk or for a cup of tea in a quiet tearoom. If you are outside, go home and please your senses (see #7). Wherever you go, go mindfully : be "there", focus on the sound of your steps or on the color of the tea you are drinking, while releasing attachment to the chatter that continually fills your mind.

#10. Go for a run.
As Wolfgang Ketterle (MIT), Nobel prizewinning physicist, says :

"Being a runner, to me, has made being depressed impossible. If ever I'm going through something emotional and just go outside for a run, you can rest assured that I'll come back with clarity and empowerment."

Indeed, new research by neuroscientists at Cambridge University reveals that running triggers the growth of new brain cells, by reducing stress (which inhibits fresh brain cells through a hormone called cortisol). So if you go out for a run, not only you will feel better, you will help your brain matter to grow ! If you are too exhausted to run…

#11. Relax.
Take a moment to perform progressive relaxation, an easy-to-do stress management technique that I explain in this article.

#12. Do things that will easily cheer you up.
Remember this famous Johnny Cash song which says : « Get rhythm when you get the blues (…) / It'll shake all the trouble from your worried mind ». For me, listening to a great sing-along song is a stress buster. But you can also read aloud a beautiful poem, write down whatever comes to your mind, or cook an improvised simple meal for your family.

Blues is a gold mine for creative thinking. Don’t miss the opportunity to explore it.

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What do you think ?
- Is "blues" a negative emotion ?
- Can one be creative while feeling blue ?
- What is your best stress buster ?

Boost your productivity with Hemingway’s hack

2010-01-16T15:23:00.008+01:00

by Tessa Ivascu

I have read many valuable "5 tips", "10 ways", "50 hacks" provided by productivity gurus to help you move forward when you have trouble being productive. To my surprise, none of these lists mentions an easy to grasp rule Ernest Hemingway applied to his writing process. His hack is perhaps too nonconformist to be part of the "getting things done" gospel…
The winner of the 1954 Nobel prize in Literature explains in simple words how to keep the momentum going and how to avoid writer’s block, a common affliction amongst authors. But his hack applies to any task related to an important goal. Here’s what you should do to avoid being stuck and maintain the flow state that maximizes productivity.

The quote :

The best way is always to stop when you are going good and when you know what will happen next. If you do that every day … you will never be stuck. Always stop while you are going good and don’t think about it or worry about it until you start to write the next day. That way your subconscious will work on it all the time. But if you think about it consciously or worry about it you will kill it and your brain will be tired before you start.

Ernest Hemingway

(You can find Hemingway's tips on writing in Ernest Hemingway on Writing and A Moveable Feast).

Roald Dahl’s comment :

Let’s see what another famous writer, Roald Dahl, has to say about Hemingway’s hack (in The Roald Dahl Treasury). Excerpts :

« I never come back to a blank page; I always finish about halfway through. Hemingway taught me the finest trick : “When you are going good, stop writing.” You don’t go on writing and writing until you come to the end of it, because when you do, then you say, well, where am I going to go next? You make yourself stop and you walk away. And you can’t wait to get back because you know what you want to say next. »

To summarize, Hemingway tells you :

Don’t finish your daily task if you want to keep the momentum going :

Make finishing your task your « next task »
Stop when you know what you will do to finish it
Stop when you feel the drive to finish it
Stop when you reach a creativity peak
Stop thinking about it until the next day

The benefits. You :

Avoid being stuck
Keep the momentum going
Start your day by the rewarding work of finishing a task
Boost your self-confidence and motivation levels before starting the « next task »
End your day on a high note
Put your brain to purposeful rest when you stop working
Allow you subconscious to work profitably on « it » = « the bigger picture » = your goal.

My comment
Of course if you want to get into the completion habit, you should start by finishing your daily task (related to an important goal), no matter how sloppily you do it. But often, if you limit yourself to this way of getting things done, you cannot help worrying about the poor quality of your work and feeling dissatisfied with it until the next day.

And this is not good for your self-esteem. What is not good for self-esteem is not good for motivation. And without boosting your motivation level you cannot get into the completion habit.

My experience
With some practice, you can go from don’t stop when you get stuck to avoid being stuck. In my 22-year career as a professional journalist I went through all the stages : I started by being a perfectionist , rereading and rewriting every sentence of an article, therefore getting stuck all the time. I moved on to practicing sloppy drafts whenever I was stuck and improving them afterwards. Until one day, when I stopped when I was "going good". Why ? Because it was a beautiful summer evening, because I wanted to listen to the Rolling Stones, because I knew exactly what to do to finish my article.

Since then, I always make myself stop when I know what I am going to do next ( and not when I want to listen to the Stones on a summer evening - which is what I dream of doing all the time). And I learned to apply this rule to other tasks, when I decide to clear up my wardrobe or to sort out my record collection for an easier access to my 325 Stones records (pretty obvious).

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Previous post : Should You Always Achieve Your Goal? - Part I.
Next post : Get Back Your Energy When You Get the Blues.

Also read this article
and discover how to manage your time effortlessly : forget rules, make your own.

Share with us :
Your thoughts and experience about
finishing tasks and productivity
hacks.

Should you always achieve your goal ? - Part I

2010-01-14T21:57:00.008+01:00

by Tessa Ivascu

«Don’t start what you can’t finish», «Don’t quit until you finish what you started»… You’ve probably heard this kind of sentence many times. Of course, persistence is a positive trait. And of course, setting a goal, then completely achieving it, is a good habit to get into, especially when your life is at a standstill and you want to free yourself from procrastination in order to make a fresh start.
But be careful not to become too persistent. Your unwillingness to do «the right thing» doesn’t automatically mean that you’re weak and that you will never be able to change. Maybe the goal that you planned to reach is not the «right thing» to do.

A case study
My good friend Sidonie asked me yesterday : « Should we always finish what we started ? » She is a senior official in the French Civil Service, an « Inspector General », charged with missions to inspect Social Security services and provide government officials with advice regarding them.
Now, this is quite a job ! Also a frustrating one at times, when the « advice » she’s paid to provide ends sleeping in somebody’s drawer. Besides, the reports she has to write don’t allow her to use her imagination or express her feelings, to say the least.
That is why Sidonie decided to write books in her spare time. A few years ago she published an unhappy-ending romance novel, after a painful break-up. Then she published an essay on the misuse of statistics by Civil Service officials, after some stormy debates with her boss on the matter.
Now, she wants to write a book about the shortcomings of psychiatry in mental illnesses treatment (after a particularly difficult inspection in hospitals for the mentally ill). Writing a book is a great achievement. But why are the topics of her books so different with one another ? Why does she ask herself (and me) if she should finish the book she just started writing ?
What is her true goal ? Writing about psychiatry ? Writing a book, any book, because she needs to prove to herself and to family, friends and coworkers that she can do better than write reports ? Or is it the need to let off steam after a particularly difficult period of her life ? And in that case, is writing a book the best way to let off steam ? What do you think ?

3 questions you need to ask yourself
Whenever you feel unable or unwilling to take the necessary actions to achieve a goal, ask yourself :

1. Is your goal consistent with your values ? Or is it « the right thing to do », according to the standards of the society you live in, according to your family or your friends’ expectations ? Or maybe you want to surpass a « rival » by doing something he doesn’t expect you to do ? Maybe you’ve been told you « must » do this before getting old ?
Remember that, even if we adopted most of our values unconsciously, they influence each and every one of our decisions and reactions. If your reaction is uneasiness, check your goal against your values. If you don’t see any core value in the goal, you definitely need to rethink it.

2.What are your feelings when you think about your goal ? I’m not talking about what you expect to feel after you’ve accomplished your goal, but about what you actually feel when you try to complete it. Do you feel :

A sense of meaning ?
Renewed drive and motivation ?
Excitement about the future ?

Or :

A sense of inadequacy?
Unwillingness and anxiety ?
Lack of inspiration ?

Of course, in order to complete a goal, you need to move out of your « comfort zone ». But if pushing yourself beyond your current limits doesn’t make you feel good and proud about yourself, you should rescale, reschedule or simply skip your goal. Keep in mind that the key to a successful life is not enjoying the destination but enjoying the ride. It's about happily achieving rather than achieving to be happy.

3. Will your accomplished goal change your life ? Go to Should You Always Achieve Your Goal - Part II and discover a quick and simple method showing you how to find the answer and what to make of it.

Share your experience with us :
- Did you ever rescale or skip a goal because it was not in alignment with your values ?
- What do you feel when you leave your « comfort zone » in order to complete a goal ?
- Do you focus more on the ride or on the destination ?

Should you always achieve your goal ? - Part II

2010-01-14T11:16:00.000+01:00

by Tessa Ivascu

In Part I, we dealt with two of the three questions you need to ask yourself whenever you feel unwilling to take action to achieve a goal : 1. Is my goal consistent with my values ? 2. What are my feelings when I try to complete it ? The next step consists in finding the answer to the question : Will my accomplished goal change my life ? This quick and simple method will show you how to find the answer and what to make of it.

Hypothesis #1 «What will happen in my life if I do not achieve this goal ?»
Write down the benefits and the costs to your life if you do not achieve this particular goal.
Try to think of all the important aspects of your life. You can make a list or draw a chart, like the one below. I included only four aspects, because my chart is just an example of how you may want to draw one for your use. Whatever shape and words you choose for it, your list or your chart should include some of these aspects :

family and household
money and career
health and personal growth
recreation and community

Hypothesis #2 «What will happen in my life if I achieve this goal ?»
Write down the benefits and the costs to your life if you achieve this particular goal.
Make an identical list or chart, including the same aspects as in the first one. In both cases, try to write down the benefits and costs as fast as you can while remaining legible and focused on your task.

Do not :

pause to reread what you’ve just written
try to refine your first thoughts
self-censor your expression

Above all, DO NOT JUDGE. The aim is to be as honest and spontaneous as possible. Do not welcome or reject any thought or image because it is too optimistic or pessimistic, or because it is too «shameful» . If you think that one benefit of achieving your goal is to be more successful than your husband, or to humble down your sister, write it down. If you don’t see any benefit or cost in some of the listed life aspects, write «none».

Click to enlarge

Review your two hypotheses and underline the benefits and costs which would bring a notable, long-lasting, change in your life ; which would mean «good news» or «bad news» not only for you but for other people.

If the benefits of achieving the goal outnumber the benefits of giving it up; if the costs of giving up the goal outnumber the costs of achieving it, you know what you have to do : make a plan, a timetable, get rid of excuses and start working.

If the difference between the two hypotheses is negligible, it does not mean that you should give up your goal. It means that the accomplishment of this particular goal is not a priority. Perhaps the goal you set is not really a goal, only a part of a broader design, like a river flowing into a larger one. Perhaps you don’t know there is a larger river.

The method above helps you to discover the major goal, the one you really want to reach, behind the apparent goal. Consequently, the «minor» goal becomes no more than a step, that you can choose either to accomplish or to skip, on the road leading to your «major» goal.

Whatever the answer, now you can take action without questioning whether you do «the right thing». In practice, you will be able to allocate the proper block of time to the completion of the tasks related to your goals. If you know your motivations, discipline will come naturally.
(Back to Part I).

Share your experience :
- Did you ever achieve a goal only to find that it meant nothing to you ?
- Can skipping a goal prove to be the good decision ?
- Do you think in terms of "benefits" and "costs" before taking action ?

The Second Act - take the 7 steps

2009-12-19T15:51:00.019+01:00

Each of the 7 main sections you see in the above navigation menu will take you to the next. They are like stairs going up from ground (failure) to top level : where you will make space to grow and stage your own Second Act, instead of following the script someone else chose for you.

Here’s some good news. Maximum despair is a prerequisite to personal development. This is what psychiatrist Carl Jung believed. This is what I experienced. The Second Act is your chance to leave your footprint. The opportunity to take center stage.

Use your failure as a spotlight : it will point out what is wrong with your life. It will make you realize that you have been so busy climbing uphill during your First Act - building a career, raising a family, dealing with immediate concerns - that you have lost yourself, dumped your dreams and flattened your creativity in the process.

Failure has many faces and there are many ways to deal with it. You need to make your own way through "this sea of troubles". I invite you to explore the 7 main sections of The Second Act. I hope my articles will help you improve your navigational skills : not only to survive the storm but to sail in pursuit of your dreams.

STEP #1 GET STARTED !

Your first step is simple : accept the fact that your life must change. And take control of the change : it is all about deciding… to decide. Deal with fear and rage, get rid of excuses and of your inner critic. And start decluttering :

your mind,
your life,
your space.

Remember : where there is space, growth occurs.

Understand your values, clarify your beliefs, find out what is really important to you and ask yourself : what can I do TODAY to change my mindset so that TOMORROW I can change my life ? Whatever it is, make it your first goal. DO IT. Build momentum brick by brick.

KEY WORDS : self-motivation.

STEP #2 GET COMFORT !

Getting started calls for huge efforts. You need fuel. Maybe you have no one to comfort you, encourage you to get up, congratulate you for trying to write your own Second Act. You have to learn how to comfort yourself. Practice mindfulness, relaxation, productive daydreaming… And start enjoying your company :

forgive yourself,
get aware of your needs
focus actively on your well-being.

Remember : above all, allow yourself to dream.

Not about a « perfect » life : about an authentic life. Use the power of your imagination to see the bigger picture, connect with those high qualities you have (you do have them) which make you unique – and lovable. What your authentic life would be like ? Visualize it. Visualize the road leading to it. It may be shorter than you think…

KEY WORDS : mental well-being.

STEP #3 GET SHINE

Learning how to comfort yourself helps you restore your integrity and rebuild your self-esteem from within. Improving your appearance will further boost your self image.

It is not easy to « shine » when you feel hopeless and helpless. But keeping clean and tidy plays a vital part in the conquest of the two things you lack most when you face a major life change :

self-confidence,
mental well-being.

Remember : Personal grooming will make your mind feel in control.

It will provide the inner peace you need to start being productive again.

KEY WORDS : physical well-being.

STEP #4 GET IN TOUCH

Now that you are ready to shine again, it’s time to get in touch with people. When you experience a major setback you are torn between two impulses : a) you want to stay alone and not talk to anyone ; b) you want to talk with anyone but you feel that no one wants to talk to you.

Well, you are not totally wrong. Some people, even some of your “good” friends, hate bad news; others fear to be contaminated by “failure”; others will pity you while obviously feeling glad they are not in your shoes, etc... You better stay away from them. But, as you will soon discover, other people will prove to be trustworthy and ready to advise you without second thoughts.

Remember : tough times are a good test, revealing who your true friends really are.

So : a) don’t stay alone, but : b) don’t talk to just anyone :

don’t beg for friendship,
learn to say « no »,
stay away from toxic people,
open up to new people.

Discuss your choices and share your goals ONLY with non-complainers and true supporters, who can show you how to bring out your best, who are as « goal minded » and as serious about self growth as you are.

KEY WORD : network.

STEP #5 GET FOCUS

Following the first 4 steps will make you feel resourceful again. By accomplishing some simple, short-terms goals, you have converted fear and inertia into assertiveness. Now it is time to get clear about what you really want, find a direction for your life change, set a long-term goal and focus on it. Focus will help you :

put your Second Act together,
channel your energy,
fight bad habits,
finish what you start.

Remember : learning to focus enables you to choose your priorities.

You will make the difference between important and urgent, between movement and real action, between your values+skills and the values+skills others (society, family, friends) decided you should have to be successful.

KEY-WORD : direction

STEP #6 GET CREATIVE

Creativity is not a gift possessed only by artists. According to cognitive psychologist Robert J. Sternberg, it is « the process of producing something that is both original and worthwhile ».

Maybe you don’t realize it yet, but you already are more productive, therefore more creative than you think. Now that you decided to fulfill your dream and make your Second Act an act of success, you need to break this major goal into smaller, actionable, segments and take action.

Remember : you don’t have to go by the book. Be inventive :

create a daily routine,
find your own system of getting things done,
look for a variety of scenarios when approaching situations,
adapt the methods taught by productivity experts to your needs.

Improve your creative thinking – and therefore your productivity – by identifying your abilities and the processes you use most often to express them. Challenge yourself to further develop these skills. Write down your goals, your steps, learn to manage your time, to set deadlines and to predict+eliminate distractions.

KEY WORD : productivity.

STEP #7 GET ON TRACK

You are now facing the biggest challenge : getting on track and staying there. Of course, you don’t need to become obsessed with accomplishing your goal. But you need to remain aware of it every single day :

visualize your goal (on your desk, your calendar, etc.),
visualize yourself succeeding,
list people you could choose to be accountable,
list the good things that will happen when you reach your goal,
review your goal at least once a week.

Remember : the journey to your goal is not a straight line.

You will fall off track quite often. But you will also learn to change your frustration into a powerful force that gets you back on track. So every time you will mess up, acknowledge your mistake and use your creativity to find ways to avoid it in the future. Don't let doubts and mistakes lead to disregard for your goal. Use them to reassess your goal and inspire yourself.

KEY WORD : purpose.

Start climbing the stairs to top level ! And if you need somebody by your side to encourage, motivate and hopefully advise you : I am here.

Go Behind the Scenes.

Visualize your success by dressing the part - Introduction

2009-12-10T17:30:00.002+01:00

Self-growth coaches advise you to "dress for success" in order to make it happen. Usually, this means dressing up to the standards of the dream job or activity supposed to buy you an one-way ticket to Success-City. But dressing for the trip to Success is not the same thing as dressing like a resident of Success : one who has nothing to prove ; who doesn’t need to wear a successful uniform to be labeled as successful ; who doesn’t bother to have the most suitable, fashionable, show-off wardrobe around.

Why ?

Because instead, the resident of Success-City has "it" : ELEGANCE.

I worked for years as contributor, project manager or editor in chief of women’s magazines filled with content on fashion. One thing I know is that "it" is something you don’t achieve by visualizing yourself as the standard achiever. But by visualizing yourself (your unique self) AT YOUR BEST. And isn’t becoming your best self the true measure of success ?

The "fake it till you make it" mantra can be very efficient when your life is stuck. You are in a career slump ; or you have to deal with a difficult family situation ; you feel disheartened, exhausted, anxious… But you don’t give up : you want to make your Second Act an act of success. Dressing the part is a powerful tool when you want to achieve a goal leading to a major life change.

But dressing what part ? I stumbled upon numerous self-growth articles saying : if you want to make it in the corporate world, dress like executives do ; if you want your boss’s job, dress like your boss ; If you are trying to be a dancer in a theatre company... dress the part. I even read that if your dream job entails wearing protective clothes, you should start wearing them now !
By wearing the typical uniform of your dream job you will attract that job, they say...
Portrait of Napoleon Bonaparte as First Consul, by Jean-Auguste-Dominique Ingres.
Right ! You are told by these experts of the "law of attraction" theory that your brain (or part of it) doesn’t know the difference between reality and fiction, between manifestation and intention. So by putting on the typical uniform of your dream job you will attract that job. Ok. Now imagine yourself morning after morning, wearing your tutu or your splash suit, ready for a Swan Lake rehearsal or for an intense workday in your cell biology laboratory. I bet your brain (or the other part of it) will reply : "Who do you think you’re fooling" ?

No, don’t try to fool your brain with this kind of masquerade. While it is important to visualize yourself in your dream job, you don’t need to dress the part when you spend your days working (or looking for work) at home. Of course, the concept "thoughts become things" is not totally absurd ; desire and autosuggestion do have an energetic pull. But not an infallible pull.

When it comes to successful clothing, the only infallible approach is elegance. This is what you need to learn, much more than the ability to choose the wardrobe, color combinations and accessories commonly perceived as status symbols. Elegance is NOT about wearing expensive "costumes". It is about finding your charisma (that personality trait which sets you apart and draws people’s attention and admiration), then expressing it through timeless harmony among clothes, accessories, hair-style.

Think of all the famous people labelled as "charismatic". What do they have in common ? An unique "silhouette". What is an unique "silhouette" ? It is the expression of an unique personality.

Subscribe to The Second Act by Email and stay updated on the release date of my FREE REPORT. Be the first to download it and learn more about the keys to visualizing your success by dressing the part… with elegance.

Share with us :
Your thoughts and experience about dressing for success.

5 guidelines for a successful goal buddy system

2009-12-07T20:03:00.013+01:00

Now that you’ve chosen a compatible goal buddy, you will want to get together on a regular basis to review each other’s progress. But, before deciding on the procedure to follow during your meetings, you need to ensure that your partnership will be mutually beneficial. Here are 5 guidelines for creating a successful goal-buddy system.

1.
Use the accountability system only if you need support to achieve a goal. If you ask your buddy to keep you accountable for a goal you can very well achieve alone, you are wasting his time (and yours).

2.
Trade written material (specific goal descriptions, business plans, recaps, task schedules, etc.) related to your goals and action steps. And give your buddy every piece of information he or she needs to know in terms of accountability : the reasons why you wanted to achieve this specific goal in the first place, the deadlines, a list of potential problems…

3.
Set up your partnership for a limited time. For instance, I started to work with a goal buddy on September 15, 2009. We have similar goals : writing a book of about 80-120 pages. We also have the same deadline : the end of December, 2009.

Now, three months are quite a long time for an accountability partnership. But my goal buddy and I know each other well, we have already worked together and have discussed projects or career moves in the past. If you have never worked with a goal buddy (or with this particular buddy) before, my advice is to set a shorter time-limit in order to avoid a drop in motivation on both sides.

4.
Set numeric goals for every meeting. It is the only way both you and your partner will know you are making progress. For example, last week I told my goal buddy : « I will finish chapter 3 before our next meeting ».

A numeric goal can consist of :

Repeating the same action daily for a number of days. For example, writing 1000 words daily for 5 days. Or decluttering your home for 30 minutes daily for 7 days.
Repeating an action a certain number of times. For example, getting in touch with 4 people who could provide good advice or connections for your job search before the next meeting with your goal buddy.
Doing several actions within a time limit. For instance, 3 actions during the next 10 days : 1. decluttering your wardrobe ; 2. writing the introduction to your new e-book ; 3. making a list of people you should get in touch with to revive your professional network.

5.
Work out a schedule consistent with your needs and lifestyle. As I explained in 3 golden rules when choosing your goal buddy, you don’t have to meet in person with your accountability partner. You can very well check each other’s progress by phone.

The frequency of the calls depends on the type of goals you have set (which is a good reason why you should choose a partner with similar goals), your respective responsibilities and time zones.

When you select the days and times for your calls, keep in mind that you should talk with your goal buddy often enough, but not too often. Your partnership is supposed to boost your motivation and help you focus, not to become a burden.

You should also agree on :

taking turns with your partner : each of you should make half of the calls ;
a time limit for the calls ;
a procedure if you need extra-support between meetings (e-mails, online chats…) ;
a specific checklist (the questions you will always ask each other during the meetings).

Finally, decide if you will include some sort of « penalty » for missing a meeting. I never do it but I know some goal buddies agree on small « punishments », like buying coffee or a beer next time you will meet in person.

While you should take your partnership seriously, don’t forget that the aim of a goal buddy system is to make goal achievement a lighthearted experience.

Go to Part III : Discover the ready-to-use "Goal Progress Review" with your goal buddy.

Return to Part I :
The 3 golden rules when choosing your goal buddy.

Share with us :
Your thoughts and experience about
choosing a reliable goal buddy.

3 golden rules when choosing your goal buddy

2009-12-03T19:04:00.030+01:00

Congratulations ! You are back on track and confident in the happy ending of your Second Act. Unproductive exhaustion, lack of inspiration, fear of commitment… they’re all yesterday’s papers. You have set new, inspiring goals for yourself and formed a plan of action for achieving them.
You know that sticking to your plan is the key to success. You also know how difficult it is to fight doubt, excuses and procrastination : since you set your goal in private, nobody is going to blame, dismiss, encourage, congratulate you if you fail or succeed. To increase the chances of following through with your action steps, you need an accountability partner – a goal buddy.

First, a brief definition :

A goal buddy is a person who helps you stay committed to your goal by keeping you accountable. He will check your progress, provide positive reinforcement, play devil’s advocate or reprimand you when necessary.

A goal buddy doesn’t have to be a close friend or a member of your family. He can be a colleague or former co-worker, or somebody you only meet online. The important thing is to find a person who not only agrees to be your goal buddy, but who has set his own goal and wants you to be his goal buddy.

Both you and your buddy need to take your partnership seriously and get together on a regular basis to check each other’s progress, set deadlines, review accomplishments – and celebrate them.

Easier said than done. When you go public with your goal and ask your friends to hold you accountable, most of them will say «Great, I will !» and never give it another thought… unless you remind them of their promise. Now, this is NOT what a goal buddy is supposed to do.

When you start looking for an accountability partner, the fist step is to make a short list of people who may fit the definition. The following «do-not» rules will help you brainstorm your list and filter potential goal buddies BEFORE sharing your intentions.

1. DO NOT discuss your goals with just anyone.

Going public with your goal can be a disappointing experience (trust me, I know what I’m talking about), and you don’t need that right now, when your self confidence is still unsteady.

All your close friends and relatives most certainly love you and wish you the best. But some of them don’t strive to reach higher. Some live in the past (« I could have done this or that…»). Some live only in the future (« As soon as this or that happens, I will… »). Some others have problems finishing tasks and sticking to plans… Because of their own shortcomings, their subconscious mind cannot accept to visualize you as a successful person. Even if they don’t mean any harm, these people will try to drag you down and sabotage your efforts.

The keeper. Share your goals ONLY with people who have good results when faced with important choices, who can show you how to bring out your best, who are as «goal minded» and as serious about self growth as you are.

2. DO NOT announce your goal and action plan as accomplishments.

Going public with your goals gives you a «premature sense of completeness». Research has found that whenever an intention is acknowledged by others, your brain sees it already as a «social reality», even if the goal is far from achieved. Therefore, you are less motivated to follow through your action plan.

The keeper. Always announce your goals as challenges. Keep in mind that goal setting is not the solution to a problem, only the hypothesis. You still need to carry out the experiment before drawing the conclusion.

3. DO NOT consider that your goal buddy’s only raison d’être is to hold you accountable.

You must play the same role in his or her plan of action. Remember : you are partners, you swap services, you share your goals. This means you also share moments of frustration, steam loss, self sabotage. So make sure both of you are equal to the task.

The keeper. Don’t forget to be your goal buddy’s goal buddy. Having an accountability partner is like getting two birds with one stone. The first and obvious benefit of this partnership is the extra strength it will give you to accomplish your goal.

But there is also a second, greater benefit : working with a goal-buddy will boost your self-esteem, by proving yourself a reliable team-player, able to provide support to someone else during bad times and to celebrate with him during good times.

Having a goal buddy not only helps you become successful, it makes you feel you deserve to be successful.

Go to Part II :
discover the guidelines to a successful goal buddy system.

Share with us :
Your thoughts and experience about
choosing a reliable goal buddy.

Clear up your wardrobe and your life - Part II : Identify the intruders

2009-11-26T19:44:00.003+01:00

Want to downsize your wardrobe and upsize your life ? As already mentioned in Part I, a closet full of « stuff » can be a fair reflection of inner turmoil. If you decided to take action, start by identifying the root causes of your wardrobe clutter and / or your emotional clutter. In both cases, your primary goal is to determine what is important to you. Give yourself access to it. Make space. Remember : where there is space, growth occurs.

Once you made space, you will be able to develop a knowledge of how to play up your assets and play down your flaws. Only then you can start building a strategy for a complete make-over.

Here’s a simple checklist you can apply to sort out « the wheat from the chaff » and get rid of the intruders in your closet and in your life.

Intruder #1.

in your closet
The fashion mistake. You considered it a « must have » because of the brand or because it looked « fantastic » on somebody else. Even if it’s not «really you», you force yourself to wear it anyway. Whenever you blame yourself for not daring to throw it away, you find the perfect excuse : it was sooo expensive ! Or : it was suuuch a bargain !

in your life
The false identity. The relationship, activity or lifestyle that forces you to play a part that is not consistent with your values and abilities, but is seen as a status symbol by somebody else or by a group you wanted to belong to.
The actions that earned you to be labelled as …(fill the blank) cost you so many efforts that you don’t dare to change the wrong label for the genuine «you». But when you are stuck and need to empower yourself to break free of your rut, this false identity is just dead load.

Intruder #2.

in your closet
The go-to. It is the opposite of the « fashion mistake ». This item is « so you » that you find yourself buying over and over again, only to discover you have already a pile in your closet (makes me think of four pairs of trousers, all brown with thin beige stripes, I presently have in my closet).

in your life
Automatic responses. They work as long as life is «fixed» (routines, relationships), so you don’t even notice how much they keep you from growing. But when facing an important change, hanging on to automatic response patterns definitely alters your ability to take up the challenge.

Sort out the wheat from the chaff.
Intruder #3.

in your closet
The shabby old favorite. This item may be comfortable and practical, but makes you look a hundred years old.

in your life
Fear of change. It’s your «comfort zone» : a risk-free relationship, daily routine, way of thinking or life-style that protects you from the «unknown», but deprives you of the energy, boldness and shine you need the day you have to deal with the «unknown».

Intruder #4.

in your closet
The misfit. The questionable item that someone else bought for you or advised you to buy. You wear it half-heartedly, to please the buyer or the fashion advisor. After all, these people meant well. The road to hell is paved with good intentions too.

in your life
The right path. It may be the goal or the «right» way of living that someone else (family, society, a mentor, etc…) chose for you and you put up with it, not noticing that it weighs down your intrinsic motivation when you try to move forward in your life.
Or maybe you underestimate your potential and consciously dull your shine for other people, devoting yourself to fulfilling their goal. Of course, you can adopt somebody else’s goal and make it your own. How do you know it is really your own ? If you answer «yes» to the question : «Is it under my control ?»

Intruder #5.

in your closet
The outdated «must have». Clothes that made you look your best…in a previous episode. Today, they no longer suit your body shape, your complexion, your life style. They are too small / big / gaudy faded / plain / sophisticated to ever see the light of day.

in your life
Living in the past. Ideals, resolutions, lists of «things to do before I am 40/50/80», values, expectations that you have grown out of. You put them in the back of your mind but somehow, they always come in your way when you need to make an important choice or to focus on your present life and future plans.

If you want to use this « intruder typology » to identify causes of emotional clutter, a good idea is to make a separate list for each type of intruder. For instance, you can name the first one «the false identity», then list areas of your life (jobs, relationships, habits, ideas, items…) where your personality is wrongly labelled. Make another list with examples of your «automatic responses», and so on.

Don’t mistake a familiar item (one which makes you feel you belong and which brings temporary comfort) with an important item (one which you love and which permanently strengthens your self-image).

But :

Don’t be too drastic either : when you clear up you wardrobe, keep in mind that clothing is supposed to be a means of expression, not an uniform. Your self-image needs to be expressed and conveyed to the next generation in more than one way. This applies to all areas of your life. Make space to grow not to grow weak.

Clear up your wardrobe and learn how to clear up your life - Part I

2009-11-23T23:17:00.000+01:00

Wouldn’t it be great if you could clear up your life as fast as you purge your wardrobe when you put your mind to it ? Of course, personal change is no quick-fix and you cannot throw away bad habits, out of date « New Year resolutions » and toxic people in a few easy steps. But the choices you make prior to uncluttering your dresser can be an inspiration for the checklist questions you need to ask yourself if you want to update your mindset – and refashion your life.

An "S" shaped wall of stacked second-hand clothing, by American artist Derick Melander. The 2,908 individual garments weigh a total of 1,859 pounds.
©Derick Melander, 2009
You don’t have to become a feng shui expert (or addict) to find out that clutter can adversely affect your mental well-being, your energy, the overall quality of your life. In the same manner, your emotional clutter adversely affects your physical space. A cluttery house is a fair reflection of your inner turmoil. If your life is at a standstill, if you feel paralyzed by inertia and overwhelmed with problems you have left unaddressed, odds are your drawers and shelves groan under the weight of "stuff".

There is no better mirror for both emotional and physical clutter than your wardrobe. Maybe you know the French saying : « Dis-moi comment tu t’habilles, je te dirai qui tu es » (Tell me how you're dressed, I'll tell you who you are). You can easily change it into : "Tell me how you sort out your clothes, I’ll tell you how you sort out your life".

How many times have you looked in your wardrobe crammed full of clothes and sighed : "I have nothing to wear" (yes, men find themselves in this predicament too, only they keep it to themselves) ? How many times you looked at your life only to think : "I have nowhere to go ?"

Downsize your wardrobe = upsize your life

Both your wardrobe and the overall quality of your life obey to Pareto’s "80/20 rule" : we wear about 20 per cent of our wardrobe about 80 per cent of the time ; similarly, about 20 per cent of our activities provide about 80 per cent of benefits, rewards and satisfactions. Now this is more of an assumption than a rule, so forget the statistics. The idea is that most of our outputs come from a small amount of our inputs.

Back to the wardrobe situation, does this mean we simply need to identify the clothes we wear most of the time and throw the rest ? Not so fast. The tricky thing with clothes is that the outfits we wear most often are not necessarily those which suit us best and make us shine. Only we don’t notice it anymore… The same happens with our life. For instance, some activities or decisions provide a short-term or apparent benefit but have hidden costs and make us unhappy in the long run. Only, for some reason, we fail to notice the cause-effect relationship.

This is why, when you decide to refashion your wardrobe, you need to proceed wisely. Don’t rush. Before throwing 80 per cent of your outfits in bin bags, run each item through this five-point checklist to determine if it is a must-have… or a must-go. And why. By identifying the root causes of your present predicament you will learn how to avoid it in the future. This same checklist will help you to identify the unseen causes of your emotional clutter.

In both cases, don’t expect immediate results : uncluttering is just the first step towards downsizing your wardrobe and upsizing your life.

Go to Part II : Clear up your wardrobe and your life : identify the intruders.