The Secret Diary of Steve Jobs

News flash: Henry Blodget still using iPhone

2009-07-19T04:44:00.000-07:00

A few days ago we sat around slack-jawed after re-reporting that Henry Blodget, founder of tech blog Silicon Alley Insider and a former Wall Street tech analyst who was almost single-handedly responsible for the dotcom bubble, admitted that until this week he had never been inside an Apple store. We particularly enjoyed Henry Blodget's excruciating explanation of how an Apple store works and Henry Blodget's notion that the whole world wants to know every little detail about how Henry Blodget purchased Henry Blodget's iPhone. Today Henry Blodget follows up with an insidery update about Henry Blodget's experience after using iPhone for four days. Guess what? The insider information is that Henry Blodget likes the iPhone, but Henry Blodget does not think iPhone is perfect. After four days -- four days! -- Henry Blodget has not downloaded any apps or taken any photos of videos. Also, Henry Blodget has not downloaded his contacts. No word on whether Henry Blodget has put any music on his iPhone or what bands Henry Blodget likes, but we are looking forward to learning more about this, in excruciating detail, in a future post.

Meanwhile, Henry Blodget has done some exhaustive investigative reporting and reports that the iPhone battery is not very good, at least in Henry Blodget's opinion, and that to Henry Blodget, 3G networking feels slow compared to WiFi. Also, Henry Blodget has turned up a startling fact: the iPhone plays video. Money quote:

Watching the first video clip on our site was close to a religious experience. Wow. I'll say it again: Wow.

Wow indeed, Henry Blodget. We know how Henry Blodget must feel. Everyone at Apple is still stunned that Henry Blodget never been in an Apple store before, but very happy that you have joined the cult. And we're just waiting to see what Henry Blodget might discover next. Honestly, Henry Blodget, we hang on your every word. It's so ... insidery.

Friday 4:20 again

2009-07-17T13:21:00.000-07:00

Time flies. Enjoy the Lothar. Support your local dispensary. Be at peace.

Ruby on rails

2009-07-17T13:02:00.000-07:00

By "rails" I mean that after our little wake-up call this week Ruby now finds himself on the express train right out of his deluded belief that he can just steal our stuff and get away with it. Poor Ruby. He really did think he was going to kill the iPhone with the Pre. He really, really did. So he goosed Palm's numbers last quarter so that he could take over the company and look like the company was building momentum. But he overplayed his hand with the Pre. He raised expectations too high. But now the sales are dropping off and it's starting to occur to everyone that the Pre is just not that hot a product. Like, hardware quality issues? In a launch phone? Not good. And now we've updated iTunes and, just like that, put an end to his stupid little ploy of making his phone piggyback on our software. In the linked story up above, a Palm flack tries to make it sound like we're the bad guys, and suggests at the same time that it's no big deal because Pre owners can just stick with an older version of iTunes. Yeah. Good luck with that. Of course there's another idea. Maybe Palm could make its own music management software. Has that occurred to you guys? I know, that sounds like work. Well, boo hoo.

FWIW, you should have heard Ruby when he called Bertrand Serlet to complain about us breaking his device. Hilarious. Bertrand came to lunch doing this savage Ruby impersonation -- nasal voice and all. Thing about Bertrand is, he's really, really mean. Lot of people don't know that.

Coldplay groupie squeals like a little girl after meeting me

2009-07-17T12:46:00.000-07:00

See the embarrassing entry from the diary of a Coldplay roadie here. Much has been made about the fact that I was spotted backstage at a Colplay concert at the Shoreline this week, and how supposedly I'm some big Coldplay fan. Truth is, I can't stand their music. But my wife loves them, so off we went. I will admit I was curious because I remembered their singer, Ricky Martin, being a big hit in the 90s. But frankly after one song I tuned it out. I put in my earbuds and listened to "Band of Gypsys" on my iPod and wished, as I often do, that it was 1970 all over again. Because that, my friends, was music.

Fight the Power Friday

2009-07-17T06:41:00.000-07:00

To my brothers and sisters engaged in the heroic struggle for freedom in Washington, D.C. -- we send out this video to let you know that we are with you. We stand together. The fascist D.C police want to keep you down. We say no! The power of technology is the power of freedom! As my good friend Chuck D (who by the way just loves his MacBook Pro) says: "What we need is awareness. We can't get careless."

Thanks to the ~~PhantomAlert~~ Trapster application, ordinary citizens have gained a foothold in the fight against tyranny. Now, in the spirit of civil disobedience fostered by Gandhi and John Lennon and Martin Luther King Jr., Apple and ~~PhantomAlert~~ Trapster are announcing a radical one-time offer: Until closing time today, Apple will be distributing free iPhones (*) pre-loaded with the ~~PhantomAlert~~ Trapster application at these DC-area Apple stores. We're calling it "Fight the Power Friday." Bring a printout of this blog item (**) with you.

* Offer applies to 8-GB iPhone 3G. Two-year activation contract required. Limit one per customer.

** This offer is purely fictional and not valid anywhere.

UPDATE: The original version of this post said the application was called PhantomAlert, because that's what the newspaper article said. In fact the application that lets you avoid speed trap cameras is called Trapster. We've fixed it above. FSJ regrets the error.

DC police chief calls iPhone users "cowardly"

2009-07-17T04:45:00.000-07:00

That's because they're using an iPhone app to find speed traps and avoid them. First of all, that's not cowardly. That's something else altogether. It's called intelligence. Have you heard of it? Oh, that's right. You're a cop. That concept wouldn't be on your radar, would it?

Anyway, it's not the iPhone that's responsible. What makes this app work is people. Everyone sends in info when they spot a speed trap, and they build a database. It's the wisdom of crowds. The technology is just a weapon we've given them so they can fight the power. Now they're collaborating. They're banding together. They're standing up to the man, and the man can't stand it, man. One thing tyrants can't handle is an organized peasantry. Note to D.C. police: We'll give you our iPhones when you take them from our cold, dead hands!

This is just like the war on drugs. It's all about taking away our freedom, invading our personal lives. Letting one small group oppress everyone else. The truth is, these lazy corrupt fascist D.C. cops set up ridiculous speed traps as a way to bring in easy money. Now they're squealing because we've found a way to outsmart them. Wah! You hit the man where it hurts -- in the pocketbook -- and he doesn't like it, does he? The caveman cops want to blame technology. But notice that you didn't hear the pigs complaining about technology when they were the ones using technology to oppress us and take away our freedom. What really drives them nuts is that our tactics are perfectly legal. Listen up, people. I've been the victim of police brutality. I hate cops more than anything else in the world, except Finns. This kind of technology-driven revolution is exactly what Woz and I envisioned when we started the company. Damn! I'm so fired up with anger and righteous indignation! I'm going to put on some Rage Against the Machine and stomp around my office like Zack de la Rocha. Check out what Zack has to say about oppressive traffic laws in South America:

Awesome, right? I don't speak Peruvian, so I don't understand a word of what he's saying. But the anger -- and the truth -- still come through. Viva la revolucion, mis hermanos. Peace out.

Doppelganger

2009-07-16T10:21:00.000-07:00

The poor filthy hacks at Forbes.com are in mourning today after learning that their beloved leader, Jim Spanfeller, is leaving. One of them writes in to say, "Has anyone else noticed the incredible resemblance between Jim Spanfeller, our just-deposed overlord with a penchant for bullying editors and exaggerating traffic stats and generally being a total loudmouthed tool to everyone within earshot, and a certain aggressive employee of the Slate Rock and Gravel Co.? Could they be related?"

The hacks also have sent along this previously unseen video of Spanny and his crack team working up their numbers and preparing to report another record quarter:

And here are grief-stricken Forbes editorial employees spilling outdoors in response to the news of Spanny's departure:

Says one: "Who will yell at us now and tell us that we aren't making our numbers? Who will be there to make Dan Bigman cry? Who will make sure that our editorial `product' is of the highest quality?"

Says another: "Is the nude beach slideshow still running? What about the sexiest celebrity tweens?"

Much love, unnamed Forbes Silicon Valley reporter/stalker. Thanks for the material.

Andy Grove comes to visit

2009-07-16T06:06:00.000-07:00

So I'm lying in bed and BreezeAnne comes to the door and says, Steve, there's some guy here to see you, and he says he knows you -- I think it's Jackie Mason. So of course I know who it is, because he's been calling and leaving me like 20 messages a day, and I've been dreading this, because in case you didn't know it Andy Grove had prostate cancer a long time ago and now he thinks he's the world's leading expert on medicine, like he knows more than the doctors, and he knows more than the researchers, and he's always going around telling everyone what they're doing wrong. I was hoping that when he got onto his big energy kick and decided he would declare himself the world's leading expert on energy that maybe he had dropped the health and medicine thing -- but no. You should hear the guy's voice mails. Annoying doesn't begin to describe it.

So I go, Tell him I'm not here, but just then the door swings open and it's Andy and he says, What do you mean you're not here? You're right here! How you doing? How you feeling? Of course I'm gonna visit you! What's a father figure for? Now show me the scar. Come on. Show me what they did to you. Show me!

So I pull up my shirt and he goes, Jesus! They fucking butchered you! Are you fucking kidding me? Who did this to you? I told you you shouldn't go to Tennessee. Not for livers. For livers you go to Mayo Clinic in Rochester. Guy named Nagel. Everyone knows that. Or better yet you go to Mumbai and you see this guy Gupta. Have you heard of Gupta? Of course not. Because you didn't do any research at all, did you? Jesus. Gupta has developed a way to do this with laparoscopic surgery. You're up on your feet in two days.

I'm like, Dude, you can't transplant a liver with laparascopic surgery. He goes, Well Gupta can. I've read about it. It's been in all the journals. I'm like, What's he putting in? Mouse livers? He goes, Hey, laugh it up, but it's in the medical journals. The fucking Indians are racing past us, Steve. The Indians and the Chinese. We're toast.

Then he says, Okay, so tell me this. How much did you pay? Come on. Tell me. How much they charge you for this monstrosity? So I tell him and he goes, I could have got you a liver for half that. I've got a cousin in Budapest, runs a transplant clinic. He could get one for you. Fresh, too. Not some 90-year-old guy. We're talking donors in their twenties and thirties, non-smokers, non-drinkers. Half what you paid. By the way, where'd yours come from? I heard you got yours from some Mexican guy, and you woke up speaking Spanish. I go, Nah, that was just a story the engineers made up to fuck with people. He says, Well who was it then? Not a Mexican? I'm like, Dude, it was just some regular guy from Tennessee. He goes, Just some cracker, eh? Just some redneck? So did you wake up with a craving for chicken-fried steak and wanting to vote for Sarah Palin? You gonna paint a Confederate flag on the roof of your Mercedes and start calling it the General Lee? Look, I'm just trying to add some levity here. That's all. Just trying to lighten up the mood in this room. Okay, look, I'm leaving now.

But then he turns and comes back and takes my hand and he says, Hey by the way, what is this business about you buying a chip company and making your own processors? I go, Oh, it's just for experimentation. He goes, Well, look, why didn't you come to us? Why aren't you using Intel chips in the phones? You should give us a chance with that. I'm not saying do us a favor. I'm saying give us a chance to earn that business.

I go, Sure, that's a great idea, talk to Tim Cook. He says, Well Paul and Craig said they've tried to talk to you guys but you won't talk to them. I go, No, have them call Tim, he'll be expecting their call, I swear.

Then he puts his hand on my abdomen, just lightly, and he leans close to me and he goes, Because, Steve, we've been such good partners, you know, and, well, it kind of hurts us when you start looking at other chips. You know? It hurts us. And I know you depend on us to provide those great chips for your Macs and your MacBooks, and we love being your partner there, and, well, I'd just hate it if something happened and, like, I don't know, maybe we had to delay some shipments and you couldn't put out any computers next quarter. I mean that would not be good for you, would it? No, it would not. So don't make us do that, okay, Steve? Okay? Don't make me do that to you.

Then he pushes on my abdomen and goes, Does that hurt? I tell him it doesn't, so he pushes harder and says, Now?

Jesus! I'm seeing fucking stars in my eyes, and I'm thinking I might puke from the pain. I go, Okay, Andy. Stop. Please stop. But he won't let up. He says, So you're not going to make your own chips? Is that what you're telling me? I go, Sure, Andy. Sure. We won't make chips. He says, And you'll put us in the phones? I tell him, Sure, sure, we'll put you anywhere, just stop, please. Then he smiles like some demented elf and says, Well that's great, bubala. I'm so happy we had this chance to catch up. That's great. I'm gonna go tell Paul and Craig that we're all set. Oh, and by the way? You know those two security guards you had out at the front gate? The ones who are supposed to stop people from getting in? You're gonna need two more.

Then he gives me a little slap on the face and leaves. I swear to God, Andy Grove scares the shit out of me.

Ted Baxter lives

2009-07-16T03:41:00.000-07:00

No, he's not on Fox. He's on CNBC. For a quick look at the original Ted, go here.

Mosspuppet-Arrington feud escalates

2009-07-15T09:02:00.000-07:00

Dear Henry Blodget: You're welcome, asshat

2009-07-14T14:36:00.000-07:00

Stop the presses! Disgraced stock tout Henry Blodget just bought an iPhone, and now he believes the whole fucking world must know everything about it. Like how Henry Blodget went to the AT&T store first, but they were sold out, so then Henry Blodget went to an Apple store, but there was a two-hour wait, so Henry Blodget went home, and then first thing in the morning Henry Blodget went to the Fifth Avenue store, and there Henry Blodget did not have to wait, and did you know that they have these people called "concierges"? Henry Blodget's concierge was named Catherine, and she's a Libra and likes to take long walks on the beach and has a tiny Chinese symbol tattoo on her ankle (not really) but she was really awesome and helpful and she asked Henry Blodget if he wanted 16 gigs or 32 gigs, and he told her that Henry Blodget only wanted the 16 gigs, and she asked did Henry Blodget want black or white, and Henry Blodget wanted black, and she told him that they did indeed have the phone Henry Blodget wanted, and better yet this phone was already charged so that Henry Blodget could use it as soon as he left the store -- Jesus Christ on a popsicle stick, Henry Blodget! Enough already! We know how it works when you buy an iPhone! You do realize that we've sold 20 million of these things, right? But here's the real money quote, the bit that really caught my eye:

Confession: I had never been in an Apple store before.

And then this:

Revelation: It really is like entering another world.

Well, that's very nice of Henry Blodget to say, but wait a minute. You've never been in an Apple store before? Are you fucking kidding me? A guy who runs a tech blog, and who used to be a Wall Street analyst covering tech, a guy who advised huge institutional investors and millions of individuals about which tech stocks to buy, has never set foot in an Apple store? Not even just to look around? Like, out of curiosity? Seriously? Hold on a minute. I need to sit down. Okay. Deep breath. You know what? Suddenly all of those dumbass stock picks (a strong buy on Excite@Home?) make sense to me. Dude, you know what? They did the right thing when they tossed you off the Street for life.

Ten bucks says Henry Blodget now becomes the world's biggest fanboy, and by January he's camping out on the sidewalk outside the Moscone Center so that Henry Blodget can sit in the front row and pray that a bead of Dear Leader's precious sweat falls on Henry Blodget, so that Henry Blodget can write a 2,000-word blog post about what it is like to attend a Steve Jobs keynote. You wait and see.

Jesus wept

2009-07-14T10:31:00.000-07:00

Ralph Reed (at right, thinking about you-know-what) says he's the new me. No, seriously. He really said that.

Wall Street guy says we've made AT&T our bitch

2009-07-14T10:15:00.001-07:00

See Paczkowski's take on this, where he agrees with the Wall Street guy who says we've done to the wireless carrier industry what we did to the music industry -- namely, gained the upper hand and torn their customers away from them and into our camp. Frankly, I think these analysts and reporters all have way too much time on their hands. Honestly, how do they think this stuff up? It's just nuts. All we want to do is make the best phone we can. And deliver the best experience to the customer. We have a terrific relationship with AT&T. We think they're great. Not really. But you know what I mean.

Captions

2009-07-14T10:11:00.001-07:00

I know which one I like best, but wanted to let readers vote. Have at it.

Cool animation from India

2009-07-14T09:48:00.000-07:00

Just got this animation sent to the FSJ Blog mailbox (fsjblog@gmail.com) by a cat named Shaaz Ahmed. Main character is a tin foil dude who wants an iPhone so he can achieve enlightenment. Jon Ive says it's crap, but frankly I find it kind of mind-expanding. Much love and namaste, Shaaz. I honor the place where your animation and my blog become one. Send more. Soon.

Mini-Microsoft says Borg has "turned the corner."

2009-07-13T08:42:00.001-07:00

Fortunately, I'm standing just around that corner, waiting for Monkey Boy with a shovel in my hand. See Mini's premature ejaculation here. Win7, Bing, Silverlight, better ads. Blah blah blah.

This would be funny except it is exactly how CNBC operates

2009-07-13T08:24:00.000-07:00

New Live Poll Allows Pundits To Pander To Viewers In Real Time
Well played, Onion. Too bad you filthy whores are going out of business like everyone else.

Mossberg's demented evil twin on Chrome OS, Arrington and more

2009-07-11T04:57:00.000-07:00

Words fail me.This Canadian puppet dude does some pretty amazing stuff. See his Web site here. Enjoy.

Hey, it's 4:20 on the East Coast

2009-07-10T13:20:00.000-07:00

I'm getting loads of mail this week about my deep friendship with Albert "Abbie" Hofmann, the inventor of LSD, which was reported in the Huffington Post a couple days ago. To be honest, I asked Arianna not to run this item. Not because I'm embarrassed. Just because I value my privacy. Anyway, she said she couldn't hold the story, and I told her I understand, but that she should be careful when she's out jogging because it's just so easy to get hit by a car or killed in a drive-by shooting. She understood.

Anyway, on the acid thing. Yes, I did LSD. A lot. And yes, I really benefited from LSD, and I highly recommend it to everyone. But did I give those freaks any money to do their wacky LSD psychology research? No fucking way. As is often the case, I don't have time or patience with academic approaches to solving problems. As the doctor guy (or whatever he is) says about his meeting with me: "He was still thinking, 'Let's put it in the water supply and turn everybody on.'" That is absolutely true. I've approached city officials in Palo Alto about doing this in a kind of limited beta program. So far no luck.

Anyway, as for the video above, I hope you enjoy it, and I hope you'll forgive me for starting my weekend a little bit early, but I just feel like celebrating. What's to celebrate? Well, I've made it through another week alive on the planet. Maybe you take that for granted, but take it from a dude who's got a black-market liver that's still trying to knit itself into his body -- you shouldn't. Life is precious. So go enjoy it. Hug your kids. Kiss someone you love. Put away your iPhone and your MacBook and go sit on a patch of grass and just stare up and marvel at the blueness. Like, just be there. Okay? Great. Now would someone please get me a mango smoothie and my fucking medical marijuana? Like, now? And where's the bong? Where the fuck is Ja'Red? Where's Katie? Hello? Has everyone gone to BJ's early again? Okay, fuck it. Fuck all of you guys. I'll get the bong myself, and when you get back, you're all fired. I hope you're reading this as you enjoy that pitcher of beer. Assholes.

Ballmer: In future, when you scream at your miserable frozen piece of shit Windows PC, it will be smart enough to understand why you're angry

2009-07-10T10:12:00.000-07:00

So Monkey Boy was giving a speech in Charlotte, N.C. (see the article about it here) and he says that in ten years we'll have computers that can understand our "intent." As in, "Dear PC, because you make my life a living hell, I intend to set you on fire now and then smash you with a fucking mallet." Ballmer also informed his audience that "Users will be able to speak to, touch and gesture at their computers even more." Uh-huh. And I can already imagine the kind of gestures those poor frigtards will be making, can't you? Finally, Fester says we'll also have computers that are as thin as a sheet of paper. Which will, of course, enable those computers to take up less room in a landfill after people get them home and realize that they don't actually work.

Man oh man. Can someone explain to me again how it is that we only have 4 percent market share against these buffoons?

(Much love to art director Jay for the improved photograph.)

We're cool, right? Steve? Are we cool?

2009-07-10T09:23:00.000-07:00

Sure we're cool, motherfucker. We're cool as a piece of key lime pie. You just keep telling yourself that, and you won't even feel it when the bullet hits the back of your ugly motherfucking head. Anyway, dear friends, here's one for a caption contest. It's Friday, after all. So fire up the Photoshop and send in your best efforts. We'll post them on Monday and send a free fake Apple tablet computer to whoever makes the one that Iulia and Natasha like best. Meanwhile, just FYI, we got this photo from the guys at 9to5Mac, who are re-reporting here a story from the Guardian here in which they claim Eric is going rogue at some conference and saying he's going to talk to us about his situation on our board. Money quote from Eric: "At this point there is no issue." Well, on that he is correct. There is no issue. None at all. As I explained yesterday, Eric is already off the board. Whether he knows that or not is pretty much irrelevant.

Sarah Palin, we are waiting for you to weigh in on this

2009-07-10T08:36:00.000-07:00

Something about crazy middle-aged communist-socialists raping teenage girls instead of progressing our nation and incentivizing our troops. First David Letterman, now Obama. What is it about these men and their need to diminimize underage girls? Please, Sarah. Go there. You know you want to. You've been out of the news for almost 24 hours. You need this, Sarah. Oh please oh please oh please.

Corrections

2009-07-09T11:30:00.000-07:00

First of all, much love to the many readers who tuned in to my long post about Chrome OS yesterday -- I appreciate all the comments, from both sides of the debate. Some commenters were generous enough to point out a few serious factual errors in that item. I had Iulia and Natasha, our interns, check these out on Wikipedia and it turns out the commenters were correct. In the spirit of transparency that embodies everything good about the Internet, I'd like to take the opportunity to set the record straight.

First, as many pointed out, the line about "the Chicago way," was delivered by Sean Connery, not by Robert DeNiro. Second, the creator of Linux is Linus Torvalds, not Linus Tordalv, and he is from Finland, not Denmark. The Linux project originated not in 1991 but in 1977, with Richard Stallman, a researcher at Carnegie Mellon University who now runs the Ubuntu project from South Africa. FSJ regrets these errors. Mea maxima culpa, as Iulia and Natasha say in their Russian Orthodox church.

Also, much love and a sincere namaste to everyone who wrote in with corrections. After a long hiatus it's great to see this crappy old blog up and rolling again, with the whole gang back together (Putin, h_aiku, faddah, ashram man) and also so many new readers who are already generously helping out. Dear n00bs, please know that we welcome your corrections. In fact they make our day. If you spot any more mistakes, please bring them to our attention. Peace out.

Dear Eric: You're dead to me

2009-07-09T04:45:00.000-07:00

Tag him and bag him, boys, because Squirrel Boy is finished around here. I called him last night and told him, and he agreed. Katie says I should have talked to her first because we need to think about how this is going to look when the hacks start reacting to the announcement. I was like, Who says we have to announce it? She says we're a public company, he's a member of the board, so it's material. I'm like, I don't know about that, maybe we should talk to a bunch of lawyers and just keep getting more opinions until we find someone who says it's not material and we don't have to announce it. Or better yet, just get me Larry Sonsini. He'll do it.

She says even if we don't announce it, the hacks will notice that Eric is no longer listed on our board of directors page. I said that's the thing, we won't take him off the page. We won't do anything. We just leave everything the way it is. She says what if Squirrel Boy goes rogue and starts telling people that he's off the board? I said that's easy, we run him over with a car. She goes, what if for some reason people just start asking about Eric and whether he has left the board? What do we do then?

I looked at her and I was like, Who are you and what have you done with Katie Cotton? Honestly, Katie, did you have a stroke or something? Because this is like PR 101, okay? If anyone calls, you just say we don't comment on speculation, or we don't talk about rumors. Either that or you say we don't discuss personnel issues, because it's a privacy issue, and we think the hacks are being total scumbags for not respecting Eric's privacy. Then we get Jim Goldman to go on CNBC and say that his deep sources inside Apple have assured him that Eric Schmidt is indeed still on the board.

If the hacks still persist in asking, we make up some statement that doesn't mean anything, like, "Eric is a talented executive and an important contributor," and we tell Dowling to just keep repeating it, over and over again, until they give up.

Katie says, But Steve, wouldn't that be kind of like lying? I looked at her. Then she goes, Ha! Got you! And we both burst out laughing.

Anyway, you may or may not see anything on our Web site or in our filings to the SEC, but trust me -- Eric is gone.

Let's all take a deep breath and get some perspective

2009-07-08T10:37:00.000-07:00

So everyone is worked up about this new browser operating system from Google. Drudge apparently has gone off his meds again and calls it a "death blow" to the Borg. No spinning red light, but still, pretty over the top. I guess it's supposedly going to destroy us too -- like we're some kind of collateral damage. Man oh man. Where to begin?

First of all, nobody seems to appreciate how goddamn hard it is to make an operating system. You don't just wake up one day and fall out of bed and make one. Not even the smarty pants kiddies at Google can do that. These things take years. Decades, even. Ours started out 20 years ago, at NeXT. You could say it goes back to 1977, with the BSD guys. Heck, you could even say it goes back to 1969 with Dennis Thompson and Lionel Ritchie. Even Windows is -- what? Twenty years old? Something like that. For that matter, look at Linux. Correct me if I'm wrong -- and I'm sure you fucking freetards will find something to correct -- but I think Linus Tordalv started working on Linux back in 1991 when he was a high school student in his native Denmark. That's nearly twenty years ago, and the shit still doesn't run right. Point is, whatever Google might release in the second half of next year, it will just be a starting point. It won't come close to what we've got.

Point two: Who in their right mind thinks the world needs yet another desktop operating system? The hacks who are foaming at the mouth about this big threat to Microsoft are the very same halfwits who a couple years back were declaring that the desktop OS was dead, Windows Vista would be the last one ever made, Apple shouldn't bother making any more versions of OS X, blah blah. Now they're saying nope, the world does need more operating systems, especially ones like this that are designed to work extra super specially well on computers that are hooked up to the Internet. Whatever that means.

Point three: They're aiming this OS (or as we call it, "POS") at netbooks, at least at first, and in case you hadn't noticed, the netbook market is fucking tiny and will remain so forever. According to IDC, there were 11 million netbooks sold last year, and by 2013 that figure will hit 39 million. The market for PCs and laptops will be 10 times that size -- literally -- at 400 million units. Smartphones will be over 300 million units. So, um, you guys at Google want to have a dog fight with Microsoft to get a few points of that market? Go have fun. Seriously. Knock yourself out. Frankly, if the entire netbook market caught fire, I wouldn't piss on it to put it out. But that's just me.

Point four: You also may not have noticed, but nobody uses Chrome. I mean think about it. Do you know anyone who uses Chrome? Really? And you know why nobody uses Chrome? Because Chrome is shit. Just utter, utter shit. I mean they've got all these big brains at Google and you'd think they could make a decent fucking browser. Jesus, the freetards at Mozilla can do it. But not Google. Nope. They gave it their big best effort and what did they come up with? Chrome. It's a joke. I mean, literally, we laugh about it, except when Eric is around. But as soon as he leaves the room we all go "Chrome!" and just burst out laughing. Our guys on the Safari team even had special toilet paper made up with a Chrome logo on every sheet. That's how bad it is. Trying to make an OS out of Chrome is like saying you're going to turn a Pontiac Aztek into a stretch limousine. I suppose it could be done, but why?

Point five: What the fuck is going on inside Google? How much more out of control and undisciplined can this place get? How many new goddamn operating systems are they going to create? They've already got Android, and nobody wants it. Now they're going to make yet another operating system, this time out of a browser that nobody wants. What's next? A Gmail-based operating system? A YouTube-based operating system? Honestly, Google, is there anyone in charge over there? Is there anyone who knows how to criticize anything in that fucked up little Montessori preschool of yours? I mean I guess it's nice that you all get to spend 20 percent of your time dreaming up useless shit, and I guess you have to use the Montessori method and tell everyone that whatever little piece of shit they've created is just so wonderful and perfect and beautiful -- but really, as I've told Eric before, that doesn't mean you have to release everything these bozos dream up. There's a word for this. It's called "no." Have you heard of it? I mean, fine, let them fuck around with stuff. Engineers like to tinker. So let them tinker. Then when they bring you whatever it is they've made, first you say you're too busy to meet with them. Then you say you've changed your mind and you will meet with them after all. Then you wait until they're all in the conference room with everything set up, and you send Katie down to tell them that you're going to be a little bit late. You make them wait an hour. Then two hours. Then, at six in the afternoon, you send Katie down to tell them that you've changed your mind again and now you can't make it. Then, finally, you set up another appointment and this time you do meet with them -- but before they can even speak you just look at whatever it is they've made and you say, I'm sorry, that's a piece of shit, and you walk out. Trust me, engineers love this. They're all masochists. That's why they became engineers in the first place.

Point six: It's going to be free. So what's the point? I mean I understand the idea of a loss leader. We don't charge for iTunes. You'll notice, however, that we do charge money for music and hardware. But how does this concept apply to Chrome OS? Somehow if you put out a new operating system you'll get more people using the Internet and then you'll be able to sell more of those shitty little ads? Forgive me if I'm missing something here, but I don't see how a free OS or a free browser helps Google. To put it another way, have you ever met anyone who said they'd really like to try out that Interwebs thing, but they're just put off by the low-quality operating systems and browsers that are available at this time, so they're sitting it out for now? Or like maybe they're on the Internet now but they would just be soooo inclined to spend soooo much more time on the Web, and they'd be soooo much more likely to actually click on the ads, if the OS and browser made it somehow less onerous to, um, type in a URL and go to a page? Nah, the only point in Google giving away a free browser and OS is somehow to fuck up Microsoft. (And/or to do some sneaky shit that helps Google screw users a little bit more efficiently. See Point 8 below.) But on the anti-Microsoft angle, take it from someone who has spent the past 10 years selling a superior operating system and getting only 4 percent market share -- as obsessions go, battling the Borg is waaay overrated. If you ask me, Google is getting a little nutty about the Borg and it's starting to show. They're starting to look like the new Scott McNealy. Remember him? Ran a company called Sun, which had a great little business going until McNealy became obsessed with Gates and started doing things like paying millions of dollars to buy StarOffice so he could get into that booming free software business.

Point seven: The only people who are pushing for this are the hardware OEMs and ODMs and they're only doing it so they can get a bargaining chip on the Borg. They don't want to use Chrome, or Android, or Linux. They want Windows. They just don't want to pay for it. Whatever Microsoft wants to charge for Windows 7, the hardware guys want to pay less. Hang the threat of yet another OS over Ballmer's shiny head and maybe he'll bring down his prices. That, anyway, is the thinking. Happened already in netbooks when they first came out with Linux on the Anus EEEEEPC -- that rang some bells up in Redmond, believe me. So maybe there is some benefit to Google in forcing Microsoft to lower its prices. Maybe by doing that they choke off a little bit of Redmond's oxygen supply, and that makes it a little harder for Microsoft to encroach on Google's search advertising business. Google is pissed about Bing, and the Yahoo stuff. So they splatter back some machine-gun fire at Microsoft's cash cow, the OS business. Fair enough. As DeNiro said, They send one of yours to the hospital, you send one of theirs to the morgue. That's the Chicago way. But if that's your big goal in life, the chance to maybe put a stick in Microsoft's spokes -- well, we've come a long way from the days of Sergey and Larry with stars in their eyes, wanting to make the world a better place. If that's really what gets these guys up in the morning, well, friends, I will pray for your soul. Here at Apple we have better things to do. Like creating new devices that nobody else has ever created before, and restoring a sense of childlike wonder to people's lives. Or inventing whole new multi-billion-dollar markets that didn't exist before. You'd rather just ape the Borg. Well, whatever. Godspeed to you, Google.

Point eight: People are starting to realize that Google is not their friend, and that all this "free stuff" from Google is not about a) philanthropy, or b) keeping Microsoft honest, but really about c) helping Google gain even more control over what you do on the Internet. See a nice piece by John Paczkowski here for an example. You know how we call IBM the Original Borg, or OB? Google is the NB. Really, Google, in case you hadn't noticed, a lot of people are kind of not really liking you guys right now. Even the freetards are starting to turn on you.

So, to reiterate, everything's fine, and there's nothing to worry about. It's nice that Google wants to make more operating systems, and we at Apple don't feel threatened by this, or betrayed by our own board member Eric Schmidt, just as we didn't feel betrayed or threatened by the Android smartphone platform. We welcome competition and think it's just great that Google wants to contribute to advancing the state of the art of personal computing. As Sarah Palin would say, the engineers at Google are ambitionistic about wanting to progress the world, and gosh, ya know what? That's darn good for everyone.

Or, as I just told Eric on the phone a few moments ago: Dear friend, I realize you think I'm weak right now, and maybe a little bit vulnerable, and you may also still be a little bit peeved because even though you're on the board at Apple I didn't tell you about the surgery I was having and instead led you to believe that I had moved to Tennessee because I needed to negotiate some country-western deals for iTunes. Okay. Fair enough. And I know you think you got a lifetime free pass on fucking me over after you and Al Gore bailed me out of that jam with the SEC investigation of the options backdating a couple years back. But, dear friend, enough is enough. You really need to think about what you're doing and who it hurts. Seriously. I mean it. Do some thinking. Meanwhile, for the time being, I've instructed Apple security to revoke your pass at Infinite Loop, and I would really, really, really appreciate it if you would just not call me or come around here anymore. Because if you do, well, I'm just so upset about all this that I might just -- well, honestly, Eric, I'm afraid I couldn't be responsible for what I might do. I will hurt you, Eric. I'm sorry, but I will. Are you feeling me? Because that's how it is. Seriously, bitch. It's over between us. Namaste.