An Austin Counselor and Austin Marriage Counselor's Journal

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Mon, 27 Oct 2014 01:14:00 +0000

Don't Wait Until the Last Minute for Pre-Marital Counseling

Wedding planning is hard, but marriage can be harder. Thanks to a program sponsored by the
Health and Human Services Commission, couples approaching marriage can build a solid
foundation and save the $60 marriage license fee as well.

The Twogether in Texas program offers premarital education to engaged couples across the state
through a network of providers. Couples who go through a class or couple's sessions can have their marriage license fee reduced by $60 and waive the 72-hour waiting period after they get their license.

"The premarital education that couples get in the Twogether in Texas program can set a strong
foundation for a marriage and give couples a better idea of the challenges they will face," said
Gordon Leeks, who oversees the program for HHSC.
"The idea behind Twogether in Texas is that couples take an eight- hour class or eight house of couple's session which covers conflict resolution, communication and other key aspects of marriage," Leeks said. "The goal is to increase the well-being of all Texas children by providing voluntary marriage and relationship education skills to their parents.”

Couples who complete a class or sessions get a certificate that they can take to their county clerk when they apply for their marriage license. The certificate is good for one year and serves as proof that the couple is eligible for the discounted marriage license fee.

And plan ahead. It could take up to 8 weeks to complete a course or sessions.

Program facts:
1. The marriage education classes and discount for a marriage license were authorized by
House Bill 2685 from the 2007 Texas legislative session.
2.29,000 people statewide completed the classes in FY 2014.
3. Researchers have found that couples who underwent counseling before their wedding had a 30% higher marital success rate than those who did not.

If you are interested in making your relationship stronger and would like to avoid the causes of divorce, call Carolyn C. Martin at 512-795-0402 at Mariposa Psychotherapy Services

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Sat, 25 Oct 2014 19:18:00 +0000

View a Monarch Butterfly Emerging into It's New World

Birth of a Butterfly

I can now be found on Thumbtack.

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Fri, 11 Jul 2014 18:37:00 +0000

I can now be found on Thumbtack.

Or you can reach me at 512-795-0402. Or go to my website

Ralationships First

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Mon, 23 Jun 2014 17:48:00 +0000

Imagine better relationships, better lives and a better world. This is the goal of new group called Relationships First. The group is made up of a wide range of disciplines from psychologists to entertainers.

"Our vision is that all individuals will value healthy relationships and have access to the education and resources needed to build and maintain these relationships."

"Our mission is to empower individuals to learn healthy relationship skills by increasing the public’s awareness of the value and benefit of healthy relationships; providing easy access to the best science-based information and resources; and serving as a catalyst for a new healthy relationship movement."

What does it mean to put relationships first? Find out here.

If you are struggling with the relationships in your life, I can be reached at Mariposa Psychotherapy Services 512-795-0402. My office is at 5808 Balcones, Suite 101, Austin, Tx 78731

Austin-Cheating/Adultery/Affairs--Getting Caught

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Mon, 16 Dec 2013 17:55:00 +0000

Getting Caught Cheating

Because my specialization for the last 20 years has been cheating, I think I've heard possibly every story in the book. But when I received this joke from a friend of mine, I got to thinking maybe I haven't heard it all. One thing is for sure. Rarely do I have a couple come in saying the "cheater" had a guilty conscience and wanted to come clean. Usually the reason the affair comes to light is because the "cheater" got caught. And the ways they get caught can boggle the mind. Technology has made it very easy to catch the "cheater." But many times people are caught simply because they believe they can get away with cheating. And add to that the fact that people are just more savvy about cheating.

A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey, I've been invited to fly to Canada with my boss and several of his friends to go fishing, for the long weekend. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting, so could you please pack enough clothes for a three-day weekend. And also, would you get out my rod and tackle box from the attic? We're leaving at 4:30 pm from the office and I'll swing by the house to pick-up my things. Oh! And please pack my new navy blue silk pajamas.”

The wife thinks this sounds a bit odd, but, being the good wife, she does exactly what her husband asked.

Following the long weekend he returns home a little tired, but, otherwise, looking good. The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish?

He says, “ Yes! Lots of walleyes, some bass, and a few pike. ” "But", he said, "why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas, like I asked you to do? ”

You'll love the answer.

The wife replies, "I did -- they're in your tackle box".

If you're dealing with an unfaithful partner, I can help. I can be reached at 512-795-0402. You can find me at my Mariposa Psychotherapy Services

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Mon, 09 Sep 2013 16:26:00 +0000

A warning sign that a relationship is in trouble is when one or both people have lost their fondness and/or admiration for the partner.

https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=10151830617725865&set=a.469547105864.241581.149200885864&type=1&theater

Weekends for Couples

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Mon, 09 Sep 2013 16:17:00 +0000

I often hear from my couples that they fight more on the weekends than during the week. Try these tips from John Gottman, Ph.D.

https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=10151825525730865&set=a.469547105864.241581.149200885864&type=1&theater

Keeping the Romance in Your Marriage

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Wed, 19 Jun 2013 18:26:00 +0000

A bit of wisdom from the master, John Gottman, Ph.D.

https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=10151658877035865&set=a.469547105864.241581.149200885864&type=1&theater

If you would like to learn how to use this concept heal or nurture your marriage, you can reach me at 512-795-0402 or go to my website

How to Fall in Love AGAIN

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Wed, 22 May 2013 18:23:00 +0000

I frequently have a couple come in and one or both of the individuals are concerned about the fact that they aren't "in love" anymore. Many people believe that this is a sign that the marriage is over. That couldn't be further from the true.

If you talk to happily, married couples who have been married over long periods of time, i.e. 20 or 30 years, they will tell you that the feeling of being in love comes and goes and if you put it on a graph, it would look a lot like a sign wave. That feeling of being in love can be influenced by many things such as stress, the need to hyper focus on something outside the marriage, illness etc.

When I explain this to most couples, they often say they miss that feeling of being in love. Of course, you can only experience that initial feeling of being in love once, because one of the contributing factors to that state is the newness of the relationship. It's a time of heightened awareness and discovery. But you can experience something closely related and something that feels even better than the "high" because it includes the comfort of knowing and trusting your partner. The "high" isn't quite as high, but the feeling of "love" is much more loving.

So the next question from most couples to me is usually is, how do you fall in love again? The "in love" feeling occurs at any time because there is a very focused attention on another person in which you ignore or minimize their flaws. Judgement of the person is suspended and 3 things occur.

1. You're working hard to try to know and understand your partner. You have a deep curiosity about your partner, who they are and what they are all about.

2. You're looking for reasons to like and admire your partner and are giving them feedback about what you see.

3. You are making efforts to engage and connect with your partner.

Here are a few of the things you might do to recapture the feeling of being in love.

1. Unexpectedly, call your partner and tell them you love them and are thinking about them and/or tell them some of the reasons you appreciate them.
2. Look at your partner as if it was the first time you ever saw them and/or as if it was the last time you will ever see them.
3. Reminisce about a special time the two of you had together.
4. Surprise your partner--leave an "I love you" note in an unexpected place--anything that is unexpected and is just for their enjoyment.
5. Do some of the things you did to woo your partner when you first met.
6. People who are in love are playful and usually become great playmates. Bring that back to your relationship if it has disappeared.

Falling in love again doesn't take big, extravagant gestures, like running off to Paris. It's the small things that we can do often that bring back those feelings.

If you and your partner need help with your relationship, you can reach me at 512-795-0402 or go to my website.

Building Trust in a Relationship

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Wed, 01 May 2013 17:07:00 +0000

Six Major Deposits that Build the Emotional Bank Account
(How to Build Trust in a Relationship)

Work on understanding the other person.
- What is important to the other person must be as important to you as the other person is to you.
- True understanding of others requires that you listen for understanding not in order to respond.
Attend to the little things.
- Little kindnesses and courtesies as well as little discourtesies and unkindnesses are important.
- In relationships, the little things are the big things.
Keeping commitments
- Keeping a commitment or a promise is a major deposit; breaking one is a major withdrawal.
- Being unwilling to make any commitments is as much a withdrawal as making them and not keeping them.
Clarifying expectations
- The cause of almost all relationship difficulties is rooted in conflicting or ambiguous expectations around roles and goals.
- You make deposits when you make expectations clear and explicit in the beginning.
Showing personal integrity
- Integrity includes but goes beyond honesty. Honesty is telling the truth — in other words, conforming our words to reality.
- Integrity is conforming reality to our words — in other words, keeping promises and fulfilling expectations.
Apologizing sincerely when you make a withdrawal
- Sincere apologies make deposits.
- Repeated apologies interpreted as insincere make withdrawals.

Excerpted from The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen R. Covey

Mariposa and Carolyn Contribute to Google+ on Mental Health Issues

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Mon, 29 Apr 2013 18:09:00 +0000

Through the magic of social networking, mental health information will now be shared on my Google+ page . You will find more information on anxiety, depression, trauma and couples' issues. We hope to see you there.

Is Being Right Good for Your Relationship?

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Wed, 24 Apr 2013 21:57:00 +0000

Why Being Right Can be Wrong for A Relationship

http://www.psychologytoday.com/b...

3 Ways to Build Stronger, Happier Relationships in Life

No Thumbnail

Premarital Bliss: Being In Love is Necessary But Not Sufficient

noreply@blogger.com (Carolyn Martin @ Mariposa Psychotherapy) — Wed, 10 Apr 2013 17:25:00 +0000

Relationships go through 3 stages:

The In-Love Stage--You see all of the good in your partner and the relationship. If there is anything negative or bad, you minimize it or ignore it.
The Disillusionment Stages--You've been with your partner long enough to see all their warts and bad habit and all the problems in the relationship. You see all of the bad and if there is any good you minimize it or ignore it. If unprepared, it is very common for couples who come to this stage, to think it's time for a divorce.
The Working Stage--You've seen the good and the bad in your partner and the relationship. You and your partner are working to increase all the good things about yourself and the relationship and you recognize there are things that aren't so good. You're both working to minimize the bad and/or accept that some things aren't going to change. This stage cements the commitment to the marriage and depends the love and devotion. This is the stage that carries couples to "forever."

Couples who come in for premarital counseling and are still in the "in-love" stage often find it hard to believe they will ever have any significant problems. When I say, "There will come a day when you will look at your partner and think, 'What have I done?,' they often don't believe me. They tell me how in love they are, how perfect they are for each other, how much they have in common and how they are different from most couples because they are soulmates. When I explain that every couple goes through the disillusionment stage, that it's part of relationship maturation, these couples often continue to be skeptical. And that's OK.

The In-Love Stage is a delightful place to be. Most of us have been there at least once. Who would ever want to move out of this stage? But, inevitably, we all do. And for couples who haven't experienced the Disillusionment Stage yet, premarital counseling has prepared them. When that time comes, they will be less shocked and alarmed. Thinking back to the premarital counseling, they are more likely to normalize what they are experiencing and say, "Oh, now I get it. I guess we've got work to do on our marriage," instead of thinking, "This means we need to get a divorce."

If you're planning to marry soon, know that according to research, you are half as likely to divorce if you do premarital counseling before the wedding. If you are interested in premarital counseling, you can reach me at 512-795-002 or go to my website.

Wedding Bell Blues

noreply@blogger.com (Carolyn Martin @ Mariposa Psychotherapy) — Fri, 05 Apr 2013 15:43:00 +0000

In 1969 The Fifth Dimension sang this song with Marilyn McCoo asking, "Bill, when are you going to marry me?" http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IkMhWQgkZ8c

Frequently in my pre-engagement counseling with couples this is the issue. One person wants a commitment and the other is ambivalent or afraid to commit. Endless books have been written on the issue of "fear of commitment." But here's my take on what usually is happening.

In processing with couples, inevitably, the partner who is ready to commit will eventually find themselves asking their partner, subtly or blatantly, "Am I not good enough for you?" Often, that's not the issue. Too often it is the non-committing partner who doesn't feel good enough, worthy, or confident that they can be a good partner in marriage.

As I work with these couples, there is this magic moment when the non-committing partner gets it that their is a skill set for making a marriage work and that learning that skill set is achievable. I call this a magic moment because I witness the light bulb going off in the partner's head and hope spreading across their face.

I believe the non-committing partner is the canary in the coal mine. Marriage is scary. Deciding to stay together forever is daunting. It's natural to be fearful. The partner ready to commit often is overly confident, hoping their positive attitude and optimism will rub off on the non-committing partner. But relationships are always trying to stay in balance. One partner goes to an extreme and to keep things on a even keel, the other partner will go to the other extreme.

This balancing act is an amazing thing to watch in therapy. As the non-committing partner begins to move toward the middle and be more confident about getting married, the partner ready to commit begins to move to the middle and experience their own fears about getting married. At this point, the power struggle is over and the couple can finally start working together to plan a future together.

If this scenario sounds to familiar and you would like to work together as couple to figure out your future, you can reach me at 512-795-0402 or go to my website for more information.

Why Did They Cheat?: Making Sense of An Affair

noreply@blogger.com (Carolyn Martin @ Mariposa Psychotherapy) — Thu, 04 Apr 2013 14:36:00 +0000

Inevitability, everytime I work with a couple who's marriage is in crisis due of infidelity, this question comes up. The most common answers of the betrayer is either, "I don't know," or some form of blaming their partner. It's an important question, but it's rarely easy to get to the answer. The betrayed partner has a high need to understand how the affair happened and often has a hard time articulating why it is so important to understand how their partner took the path of cheating.

The question is an important one. The answer informs the steps needed to keep it from happening again. In order for a betrayed partner to rebuild trust, they need for the betraying partner to learn how to "affair-proof" their relationship. Let's use Jack and Jill, two of my clients, as an example. Jack gives one reason for the cheating, "I was traveling and got lonely." My question, "There are a lot of ways, good and bad, of dealing with loneliness. Why that path?" Jack says, "When I travel to Asia, it feels like I'm completely disconnected from the rest of my life. It feels like I have two completely separate lives." At this point, I begin helping the couple problem solve ways of staying connected when the two are on the opposite sides of the world.

Jack might have given a different answer, "Jill never wants to spend time with me. She's too busy with the kids." It would be important for both Jack and Jill to understand that it is never the betrayed partner's fault that the cheating occurred. No matter what the circumstances, Jack, consciously or unconsciously, made the decision to cheat and took the actions. Jill may have some responsibility for Jack's unhappiness in the marriage, and it is important for her to acknowledge her part in his dissatisfaction of the marriage, but Jill has no responsibility for the choices Jack made.

Rarely is there just one contributing factor to infidelity. And many times it is the perfect storm of many elements, each of which needs to be examined and new strategies and habits formed in order to protect the relationship from future betrayal.

If your relationship/marriage is suffering from the immediate or lingering effects of cheating, you can reach me at 512-795-0402 or visit my website for more information about infidelity, affair, and cheating

9 Stress Myths, Busted

noreply@blogger.com (Carolyn Martin @ Mariposa Psychotherapy) — Wed, 03 Apr 2013 18:36:00 +0000

Today's Huffington Post gives us new insights into the most resent research in the area of stress. Understanding these 9 ideas can signicantly help you identify ways of managing your stress more effectively.

If stress is a problem in your life, working with a therapist can help. You can reach Carolyn C. Martin at 512-795-0402 or go to Mariposa Psychotherapy Services for more information.

Four Advanced Skills for Relationship Communication

noreply@blogger.com (Carolyn Martin @ Mariposa Psychotherapy) — Tue, 02 Apr 2013 21:35:00 +0000

In Dr. John Gottman's research, he found that happy, stable couples do the following 4 things in order to keep conflicts from escalating and to have clear communication.

1. They used a "softened start up." The first 3 minutes of a conflict will determine how well the discussion will proceed. If problems are raised with criticism, the discussion tends to every quickly go downhill and relationship satisfaction decreases.

2. Accept influence: understand your partner's way of thinking. In every conflict there are two points of view and two realities. Both realities are right. Hold your views while hearing, accepting and acknowledging your partner's view. Get out of the mindset of who's right and who's wrong.

3. Repair blunders. In the heat of a conflict emotions can escalate. Work toward being respectful of your partner and his/her views, but if you make a blunder, clean up your mess.

4. Compromise. Work just as hard at helping your partner get their needs met in a conflict as you do at getting your needs met.

If you believe you and your partner could use some work in the area of conflict management, you can reach me at 512-795-0402 or go to my website www.mariposapsychtherapy.com

Austin--Depression, Anxiety & Anger IPhone Apps

noreply@blogger.com (Carolyn Martin @ Mariposa Psychotherapy) — Wed, 16 Feb 2011 15:50:00 +0000

Having trouble dealing with depression, anxiety, and/or anger? ICounselor for your IPhone can help.

These apps were written by a licensed psychotherapist with 25 years of counseling experience.

They have simple directions:

1. Rate the level of your emotion on a color coded scale of 0 to 10.

2. Select one of ten different calming activities to perform.

3. Select 1 of 10 ways to change your thoughts. Changing your thoughts in order to change your feelings is the basis of cognitive behavioral psychotherapy, the most widely practiced evidence based form of psychotherapy.

4. Select one type of solution for the problem that triggered your anger

The content of these apps are for your information only. It is not a substitute for professional counseling or medical advice.

Check these apps out

If you're needing help with depression, anxiety or anger, you can reach me at 512-795-0402. I am located at 5808 Balcones Dr., Austin, Texas, 78731

Austin Marriage Counseling--John Gottman on Relationship Repair that Works

noreply@blogger.com (Carolyn Martin @ Mariposa Psychotherapy) — Sun, 06 Feb 2011 22:06:00 +0000

Compassion and the Individual | The Office of His Holiness The Dalai Lama

noreply@blogger.com (Carolyn Martin @ Mariposa Psychotherapy) — Mon, 24 Jan 2011 18:26:00 +0000

This is a wonderfully wise article.

Compassion and the Individual | The Office of His Holiness The Dalai Lama

We're Moving

noreply@blogger.com (Carolyn Martin @ Mariposa Psychotherapy) — Mon, 24 Jan 2011 00:48:00 +0000

Beginning 1/31/11 Mariposa Psychotherapy Services and Carolyn C. Martin, M.S., L.P.C., L.M.F.T. will be moving to a new wonderful office. The new address will be 5808 Balcones Dr. Suite 101, Austin, Texas, 78731.

The new office will be larger and therefore we will be able to expand our services. As the new office evolves, I will be posting updates.

The Power of Compassion

noreply@blogger.com (Carolyn Martin @ Mariposa Psychotherapy) — Thu, 20 Jan 2011 20:45:00 +0000

This is just a wonderful article on compassion and happiness

ADHD: Could It Be Ruining Your Marriage?

noreply@blogger.com (Carolyn Martin @ Mariposa Psychotherapy) — Sat, 01 Jan 2011 21:17:00 +0000

1 2 3 next >> Are you or your spouse constantly distracted or forgetful? Do either...

A Must See

noreply@blogger.com (Carolyn Martin @ Mariposa Psychotherapy) — Fri, 23 Jul 2010 22:26:00 +0000

If you've never experienced Sean Stephenson, here's an opportunity to learn so much about living life to the fullest, having a happy and fulfilling life and giving back to the world.

noreply@blogger.com (Carolyn Martin @ Mariposa Psychotherapy) — Fri, 23 Jul 2010 22:01:00 +0000

The Top 3 Myths about Parenting and Marriage