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My dream job is same it has been for long time.

I want to be able to join a residency in subject of my choice.

My choice has always been a matter of thought for me but no more.I know now its got to be Psychiatry.

Problem is passing boards. I have not been able to do that.

I  do not know if my dream will ever turn into reality.

Being on H4 visa, i can not even flip burgers at McDonalds if i want– that is the reality.

Reality takes a bite out of every dream, i have heard a lot, last couple of months. It has taken life out of my very soul!

Shraddha

I am so angry!

And i have absolutely no one to share my feelings with.

Firstly: its so complicated, i can not explain the story without looking nutz.

Secondly: its unstoppable and never finishes.

I was having such a productive time until yesterday.I thought , ok i can deal with this. But no, i can not. Its like being part of a ritual, where there is nothing real. I have no idea, how can good, honest, Godly, law abiding people , be like this.

And no one can force me to pray extra, read subjects i do not want, or frankly say or share anything, i do not want.

I don’t even know how to explain what i feel.

My one mind says, close tv, newspaper, internet and shut everything off. But why should i do that? What about my freedom!

Oh ya, the rainbow will be back on 25th…oh ya..thank you for another bout of lying and games and blah blah blah

Also i know this makes no sense..this is just anger outburst not a confessional…

shraddha

Have you ever been manipulated in your life?

I have been…

Here is how it works…

They will start with making you beleive something scary…

1- Never be scared… or your fears start manifesting in reality ( told to me by my aunt, as told to her by her cult guru….. and that is why i never visit you aunty!!!)

2- Dream it. Be it.

3- Whatever happened was your own free will.

In first instance, i am scared of being scared now! Thank you! OMG…i wish she had never told me this….its scary….and probably that scare makes it more powerful? what an irony!!!

In other instances….how did the dream manifested in the first place?

What were the stimulants? Was there manipulation of any form?

Were those dreams? or no matter how much you had out grown and given up certain line of thinking, they were literally bombarded at you by the manipulators?

So now you literally left your agenda out…as you felt ‘selfish’ at the point of manipulation for not doing so…and got sucked into the dream making stimulant machine.

Now, are your dreams congruent with what manipulators wanted?

No?… we can manipulate more, no problem…

Yes?… yay! you are living your dreams…you are a winner!

If this is evolution, i want to be dead.

When it comes to teaching Fifi and Bibi, my mind has been fluctuating!

They love to play together and unlike before, there is no rivalry etc between them!

My one mind (dominant thought process currently) says ,let them be. Let them just enjoy whatever they are doing at home. The togetherness that they are developing naturally is more important than any manipulation from my side. Excess parental control will murky things and they will not discover their own world!

My other mind ( the learnt stuff from other people, friends etc,) says that i should start their music classes again. They were learning devotional songs etc and it was motivating even me to pray etc more!  Start planning to get them in to International Baccalaureate (IB) programme public school (we have only one here and its not in our school district
) for Kindergarten next year?. Is it time i start taking them to ballet classes?

Or just focus on more home activities ( reading, playing etc with them)? There are so many home school blogs with neat ideas to just add on to family routine.

Also this whole role model thing. So when i was with my prayer group, the praying and involvement with the group helped these girls to talk about Krishna in casual terms. On their own they would ask to go to temple etc, which i felt was a step in good direction. Now after coming from India.I have not been to temple even once. My husband is not interested in any of this anyway. So it has to be me. For the sake of kids. Just so that they have an introduction to God and also for the feel of the place and just have their own view of what religion is. Now how to restart all this, is the question!

Shraddha

Model 1: Fifi Arora
Dress: Maker Disney, Made in Mumbai, less than 10$ , Big Bazaar India( and that is why never forget to shop while in India)
Conclusion: I must have done pretty good in last 4 years and few months + pregnancy duration( however short)

Model 2: Name not known
Conclusion: Cute!

Preponderance of evidence
Says things are wonderful..
Laughter
Fun
Unpredictability
Family
Understanding
Our own Language
Movie plots
Yet, the heart stops
When reality dawns
Waking from dreams
To the life known

And yet…
Its not so bad
Can not complain
For things i never had..
Yet as i saw that magazine
As i saw her living my dream
Jealousy rushed through my veins
WTF
Don’t be a fool
Live your own dreams
Leave mine for me
Dip into your soul
And find yours too
Don’t be a puppet
Wear your own shoe!

Anil will not feel bad i am sure, i have a new best friend now.
We talk more often. We share more often.We laugh together.We know how to complement each other’s jokes.My
big sister’s approval is present!
I think this causes for celebrations.
Special hugs to my wonderful family and friends…

It was sweetest, cutest movie!

I loved the story books! Precious and priceless!

The shrink ray!

Dad and his orphans!

The big and furry toy and the sweetest pet!

The younger villian V with a pet shark, and orange suit and who stole the pyramid! lol!

The financier who brakes apples if results are not achieved! lol!

Oh ya…the gun shooting octopuses..

Lovely movie!

Shraddha

People talk about depressed, angry, apprehensive, hurt.

What about puzzled?

I feel puzzled…

Definition of my life currently:

If someone wanted to help me: I am not helped in anyway. I know how to help myself.

If  someone wanted to humiliate me: Congratulations. I completely understand all the sarcasm.

If someone wanted to prove that I am mentally sick: I do not agree. Reacting to stressors is not being mentally sick.

If someone wanted me to feel apologetic about being too much on computers: I am not. Its my choice.I am not harming anyone in anyway.

If someone wanted me to laugh: Yes, i had a good time.Esp in light of S completely deleting her blog posts and D removing her political affiliation from her profile. This is truly laughable.

If someone wanted to prove a point about people getting affected by outside stimulation, then i hope it was not too costly considering the resources involved!

Also motto of my life: I am not apologetic about my past in anyway.I suffered, learnt and moved on. No one can shame me about my past choices. Or remind me about them for their benefit or for whatever other reasons. I am not legally, morally or in anyway culpable of other’s view of me. The only deficiency in my life is lack of a job. And i am not the only person in this world with that problem. I absolutely do not view anything else wrong with my choices, behavior or anything. As i mentioned earlier, reacting to stressors is not depression or odd behavior.