The Senior Mom Relocation Project

Craigslist to the Rescue - Moving, Giving Away, Finding People to Help Mom

2012-06-17T07:12:00.002-07:00

In the process of moving my mom and downsizing her belongings, we have placed a bevy of ads on Craigslist. (Why not Freecycle? I adore the groups that let you offer things for free and post free things wanted. But their requirements to arrange a time / place with the taker at a certain time or arrange for pickup -- and get dinged if your item is gone for that reason -- with sometimes people flaking, is just too much work when you're in a hurry at least in most of my experience.)

To offset the moving costs and help us clear the apartment out we placed the following ads. Perhaps you might find them handy as a checklist!

Many free and for sale ads - While it may seem scary to have strangers coming to your house, for the most part if you take care to have a quick phone chat, you will most likely end up with good folk. The people you might find most repellant are actually resellers who may descend on your parent's place like a hawk spotting a field mouse -- with great intention, velocity, and without regard to anyone's feelings.

Note on selling books and records: If you have valuable items, selling direct online may be a better bet. The stores often pay 40% or less than they will sell them for. If you check Craigslist you will also see people selling books for other people to sell online. That's a lot of middle men taking a bite out of your potential profits. There are iPhone apps from online stores like Half.com that make it easy to scan and upload books for sale.
Ads for local haulers or laborers to load our moving truck - The other option people suggested was picking up day laborers at Home Depot. Those stores are few and far between in parts of Los Angeles so screening people who responded on Craigslist was easier and more certain.

We weren't using a moving company and found renting a truck gave us the time and space flexibility we needed. Unfortunately the street was too narrow for the Pod company's equipment to fit to load and unload the Pod or we would have gone that way.

Pods let you load up a huge mobile storage unit basically then plop it down to store and pick it up when you're ready to move without loading and unloading.. (Important to check!!)
Ads for ride share companions and people needing things moved to where we were moving

We drove several loads and we were able to offset our cost a couple of times by moving boxes and various large items which would have cost the other person a lot of money had they used a regular mover. It was a good deal for us too.
Apartment swap ads and wanted - You may not think about it but if might be able to have someone else live in the space your parent would have been moving to, could you swap with someone who wants to move to your area and allow your parent to live in their space -- at least for a while? It could be a great win win for everyone, worth considering.

I'll add to the list of ads -- but for now I am off for the final move! Yes the final final move.

The Big Last Day Tackling Moving My Working Elderly Mom - No Decisions Made

2012-06-16T05:40:00.002-07:00

The answer: With great difficulty.

Today is the big day, the last day -- and fourth time -- we will have a moving truck to pack up loads and loads of papers, lingering furniture, and maybe 100 or 200 boxes of books. How someone amasses such things is a mystery. I may end up building a fort with the book boxes.

The hard part is there are many valuable books so we need to spend our time and energy (really all you have in life) to pick through. Then either dedicate time to selling them online, finding somewhere to put them, or hiring someone to sell them.

Not to mention, the energy, money and time to transport the books to a safe place for storage (oh, more money).

Back to the topic at hand.

Moving a Parent From the Community, From Work Connections, From Life...sometimes it is a must do and it is never easy.

Usually the older we get, the more inflexible and set in our ways we become. It seems like a dirty topic in the media no one talks about. Many seniors have no money. Many parents would be out on the street if their kids didn't take care of them.

That's our situation. All the money spent on things and income from still working only a hope and a prayer, rarely coming to fruition.

Our Relocation Decision Path

Move in with me and become my dependent for a tax break. The IRS rules are actually more flexible than I realized. (If you are taking care of a parent-- especially if they are in assisted living which can totally overtakes the cost of college -- be sure to explore making them your dependent if you can save much more than any income they may be making over $3,500 such as due to stock returns.)

In an ideal world your parent will find it a fun challenge to help you achieve the requirements to make them a tax deduction. In my mom's case. the pride and independence of working is more important to her than helping me....despite that I clearly have been paying more than half of her expenses.

Some of the rules include:

Social security is excluded from the (currently) $3,500 income exemption amount according to Bankrate.
Other requirements apply related to residency, that you have to be funding more than 50% of his or her income, and other things. IRS Publication 501, Exemptions, Standard Deduction, and Filing Information

Now that all the crap has been dumped on me, rent a tiny room in her home town. Being able to stay in the town or city they are familiar with -- for senility purposes -- is even more preferable than moving somewhere else in comfort, if your elderly parent wants to keep working. BUT then she would need someone to occasionally help her.
Move in with another sibling. Therein lies the "still working" problem as my siblings live out of state and my mom's license

I guess those are the choices. Choices are hard but it's good to have choices.

In one week I will know the answer.

How to Downsize Your Parent's 50 Years of Belongings

2012-06-05T21:46:00.001-07:00

The answer? With great difficulty.

Downsizing is easier when the stuff that is taking up a lot of space is not valuable or precious. Sure in the eyes of the family and your parents, any furniture, knick knacks, Christmas ornaments and egg beaters you've seen day in and day out are the equivalent of priceless heirlooms.

In a 6 week process in which we moved a ton (sometimes known as a shitload) of my parents' belongings to my house, we have learned a few things I'd like to share for other kids faced with relocating their parents ... especially if you are funding the move and your elderly parents don't have money.

You have a few options for downsizing:

Option 1) In a hurry? Don't downsize. Move it all then decide later.

The pros: You won't inadvertently give away anything that really is precious to the family.

You spend less time culling through everything now. There are downsizing consultants who charge a lot, maybe $65 per hour or more (sometimes called movers !). If your parent is a hoarder he or she will invariably take an hour per item. Seriously. That money can add up
The definition of money down the drain? Spending $65 per hour to get RID of stuff. See the irony?
Spending money to move it and waiting for that "inevitable" day is probably more cost effective if you have storage space.

Weigh the costs of:

Moving
Storing
Paying someone to help sort

Option 2) Take an aggressive approach to throwing stuff out and giving things away.

The con: Your mom or dad might go downright crazy with grief and anger. Do you want your parent's mind to fail or get worse over a few things?

I realize dealing with rooms and rooms of crap can be completey overwhelming. We've just gone through the process of unveiling boxes and boxes and piles and piles of clothes, papers, etc. Given the cost of elder care and assisted living, the cost of maintaining our mother's sanity and dignity seemed far less than the cost of storing the things she loves. Sure it's painful and embarrassing but a low cost to pay.

More thoughts to come later. The drama continues...
What are you going through?

Calling Dr. Phil! Please Call My Mom

2012-05-22T18:35:00.003-07:00

OMG it is the day before d-day, the day my mom has to move from the place she has lived for the past 18 years. She thinks of it as home even though we all thought of it as a giant storage unit full not of baggage but of boxed things and piles of stuff from when she had to move there 18 years ago.

Despite her age she seems to be taking this move in stride although only 24 hours before she has to move it is not quite clear that she is actually leaving or where she is going.

She continues to live in a state of unreality not grasping that she could lose her phone numbers if she does not forward them, that her mail needs to be forwarded as well.

Our family is so "nice" we haven't forced her to do these things. Well partly despite her weakness and depression she is so strong it is easier not to rock the boat and have her get upset with us.

After watching a seminar on dealing with aging parents, I know looking the other way is not the right thing to do. Here is what we have done so far with great success in helping our hoarding elderly - yet very alert and brilliant mom - get ready for moving:

1) The whole family went and looked at 55+ housing together. We all agreed it most certainly did not feel right to us and did not pay off on the promise..not to mention the woman showing us around didn't quite have that wonderful glowing unit available she had on the phone.

2) I bit the bullet and bought a place that could accommodate her. I thought I was scared of her coming to live with me; I think she is even more worried than I am that my life is too boring for her. Ha!

Offering for my mom to come live with me knowing I would have to handle her as her body gives way is the toughest thing I have done. Yet you know when you do something unquestioningly, maybe because it's the right thing or there's no other way? That's how it feels.

Like I had my 20s-40s to have fun. Now this is my job. Gulp.

3) We are now on our third major truckload of stuff moving. It's hard to believe she packed that much into her apartment as there is a ton leftover.

The combination of a senior who hoards and won't admit it is a trying thing for any family to face.

It has been a joy seeing her give away some furniture and even suggest having a garage sale (too little too late, but at least a glimmer of hope).

We are exhausted before the journey has begun.

What will happen tomorrow?

I wish Dr. Phil could give her a call to talk her through knowing this is yet another step in the journey that is her life.

Then again, a woman who has self-reflected so little in her life may be untouched by the man I consider so wise.

Stay tuned for what happens next. It's a learning experience.

The Big Mom Move to Nowhere Has Begun

2012-04-29T12:16:00.002-07:00

We don't know where my senior mother is moving but we have to pack and move her anyway.
My poor sister is tasked with sifting through a hundred boxes, unpacked for years, and attempts to get my mom to give away and throw out some things.

I wish her luck and I will join after the packing is underway.

Today's threats so far after attempts to pack anything included: Should I just sit in the park like an old person? For she equates not having 100% of the belongings from the last 50 years as having nothing and being worthless.

I wonder where I got my propensity for minimalism?

Techniques we are using to get my mom to relocate more easily:

-Found a nice couple who can not only help her go through her things but pack and move them. They are not $65 and hour like senior downsizing specialists but much less in a range we can afford.

-Told her she could move many of her cherished things to my house then take them somewhere else if she doesn't end up moving in with me.

We haven't moved on to the probably fruitless suggestion to take photos of things.

This all has yet to kick in since she really doesn't listen. I guess we'll see.

Any suggestions welcome!

Negotiating My Mom Giving Me Furniture

2011-12-26T09:33:00.000-08:00

From "I don't really own any furniture" to my body count of 5 dressers, 6 file cabinets, 3 desks, numerous book shelves, 1 antique stove, 1 12' wide dining room table, and more...writing down the actual furniture made it much easier for me to say "yes you do own furniture."

She uses about 5% of these items. The rest are dead, space-sucking wood so to speak.

Now comes the time to try to identify and get agreement as to which furniture my mom will allow me to take for my new home, the fact that she owes me thousands of dollars notwithstanding.

Even though it seems like I'm writing about an aging parent, in fact she has always been like this. It's just that now the pedal is hitting the metal.

How I Am Communicating With My Mom

First, I am writing down my intentions and goals for our "meeting."

I am going to identify my ideal outcome, how I plan to speak with her, and how I want to get her to agree in writing or on video so at a later date if she claims she didn't agree to something etc. I can point back to the proof.

This is going to take all day. Hopefully I will not net any more grey hair in the process.

We shall see.

The Cost of Assisted Living Versus...

2011-12-24T09:21:00.001-08:00

An 80-something woman feeling the strains of aging raved about how her sister has her own condo and gets waited on hand and foot at her assisted living center in Southern California.

I pointed out it probably costs $5,000 - $7,000 for this luxury and that we could hire two men in G strings to help her for less than that.

Then I fed my dad a piece of cake the way you give a sugar cube to a horse. "I bet they don't do that at the assisted living centers!" I exclaimed. Then again, there are a lot of things they would do I wouldn't. But still, it's nice to be able to have such frank and humorous discussions about a non-humorous topic.

The Big Moving Mom Discussion

2011-12-24T06:28:00.000-08:00

Mom seems to be excited and open to the idea of moving the house I bought. She has lived in Los Angeles her whole life. In her 80s she is still independent, living alone, going out at night alone, fearlessly taking the bus while bystanders look at her like she's crazy.

There's no stopping her. And why try? We all want to be independent. She is still working too. People also think that is crazy. Especially others her age. Then again there are those who get it, the overly educated, over achievers who want to drop dead with their heads on a pile of papers on their desks. (They are not from the paperless generation.)

While it is Christmas it is the first big day to realistically discuss relocation. I hope to rent a truck and move a bunch of her furniture -- of which she has many duplicates as many of my friends parents do, due to inheritances.

I'm armed with articles reminding me that resistance to giving or selling things usually is due to fear. She needs to be in control.

With all of these challenges, people point to downsizing consultants who make $65 or so an hour. Given it would take an hour to go through less than one box of things, that simply is not feasible. Perhaps I should offer my mom $65 an hour with an incentive to double it with every yard of stuff she disposes of. Hmmm.

Advice?

So Few Options for Relocating Seniors for Those With No Savings

2011-11-24T07:41:00.000-08:00

If your parents are aging and still working, you've probably found as I have there are few communities designed for senior living geared toward such lifestyles. All of the magazines about retirement seem to assume that the seniors own homes or have retirement savings OR children to lean on. I can't imagine for how many thousand this is not true.

My mom doesn't golf and doesn't want to golf. She wants to go to the symphony alone, keep working with clients, be out and about going to lectures.

What do we do with our aging population so they can contribute to society and enjoy life as they (and we) age?

Yet she has no money. And she's a hoarder. Senior housing is overcrowded with long waiting lists. Ironically though she has lived in her same town for 50 years she is on equal par with the hundreds of people from all over the state who can apply for this affordable housing.

For years now my siblings and I have wrestled with "what to do" with her. Of course she didn't want to move. Now she has to.

I am told that when seniors move to completely new areas they can get disoriented quickly leading to senility.

I created this blog as a project to chronicle my investigations and efforts to downsize, move, and establish my mom in a place for the 5, 10 or who knows 20 years in the rest of her life.

If you are in a similar situation I hope you will follow and contribute.

We are in California. I am interested in possibilities of creating senior communities or buildings for "mentally active" parents with children who have a bit of money but not a lot.