The Sexiest Geek You Know

Alive but alone

2011-10-19T11:53:00.001-05:00

Today I feel alive but alone. I dwell on the past like I know I shouldn't. And it negatively affects how I see my future. I feel a kinship between so few people. And with those select few I feel and inconsolable distance. I am a single rock struggling against the current of the river that is my life. Today I fight for peace of mind. Today I fight for the things I want. I will defeat the negativity.

Hourglass glued to the table

2011-08-30T14:40:00.001-05:00

Elation pours from me like water from a faucet when I consider my own mortality. How amazing is it that my mistakes won't matter in a few years? My little indulgences don't seem so harmful when I think that one day I will not be here to regret them.

This mindset gives me new focus. It makes me want to enjoy every moment a little bit more. It adds a rose colored tint to every occurrence in my life.

I recently started to call myself a hedonist, jokingly at first, but it is seeming even more apt as of late. My greatest goal at this point is to indulge in my own pleasure and happiness. To do so I will cast out anything or anyone that does not fit into this goal.

Life is too damn short to spend doing things I don't want to do. I would rather my fire burn bright for a short time then for my fire to be dim for a ling time. I will be the warm center of this universe that everyone crowds around. I will be awesome.

The Hottest Love Has the Coldest End.

2011-08-26T20:01:00.002-05:00

Today I think about all the paths that have been laid out in front of me. I consider every road I watched as I flew through the sky on my wings of wax. I think of you and I cry. This is an odd sensation not because I am fixated on you, that is normal for me, but because I don't want to want you. Maybe I can't control my mind as well as I think I can. Maybe I am not the paragon of self control that I would like myself to be. Or maybe, just maybe, I am lonely.

I try to fill the hole in my mind with anything but thoughts of you. I try to envision my future. I try to move on. But the one common factor is you are always there.

In the future in my mind (also known as the future that can never be) we are happy. In this future I am enough for you. In this future I am capable of making you laugh, making you cry, and making you cum.

The thing that upsets me most is I know that admitting all this is probably only pushing you away further. We will never have a happy ending. We will never ride off into the sunset. We will never lay outside and just hold hands while the sun radiates heat that still pales in comparison to our love.

You are, and will remain my muse, maybe forever.

I hope more than anything that right now you are thinking of me. Maybe you have considered things I have thought about. Maybe you see the same potential. Or maybe, just maybe, you see more. The saddest thing is that we can't express those things together.

The quote "It is better to have loved and lost than never to have lost at all." while apt, is also painful to consider. I can't imagine my life now without your affection but I fear that it may be indeed lost.

Stuck In My Head 8-23-11

2011-08-23T15:34:00.000-05:00

I know this feeling too well.

2011-08-22T20:55:00.000-05:00

Something I can never have

2011-08-17T01:28:00.001-05:00

Every step I take is a step away from you. That doesn't hurt as bad as it used to.

We will never be, I can see that now. I will try to forget you, even though I don't know how.

In my dreams I see all that we could be. In reality all I see is me.

Tonight I start getting you out of my head. Tonight I stop wanting you in my bed.

I won't want someone that I can't have. I won't treat you as if you are my salve.

Swagglog #6- We are all gods

2011-08-06T18:54:00.001-05:00

Fatters gonna fat

2011-08-06T18:36:00.004-05:00

Swagglog #5- Computer Fail

2011-08-05T23:34:00.001-05:00

Swagglog # 4 Serenity

2011-08-05T23:32:00.001-05:00

Swagglog #3- Wings of Wax

2011-08-05T23:31:00.000-05:00

Swagglog #2: 8-1-2011

2011-08-01T16:11:00.003-05:00

Daily Video Log #1

2011-08-01T02:07:00.002-05:00

It was over, before it began.

2011-07-31T16:14:00.002-05:00

Dreams of the future, regrets of the past.
Sadness of the moment, I know will not last.

You were mine, if only in my head.
You were the goddess, on my bed.

Black to white.
Day to night.

Everything good must come to an end.
Everything great, was over before it began.

Nostalgia Copy Pasta- Manly Tears Still Shed

2011-06-12T22:27:00.000-05:00

Do you ever stop to think how much your life has changed?
Or how fast time seems to fly, even when the summers seem long?
Everything is changing.
Sometimes I feel like I'm that kid that never wanted to grow up and still doesn't.
I could give a shit about how are other people see me, or how many parties I throw. I could care less about chasing women and getting pussy.
I know those please some people, but its just not me.
I miss playing sonic on my sega, going to the BlockBuster that was near my house, playing Laser Tag on birthdays with my friends, before I realized people got shot at parties. I miss when I used to think girls had cooties, before I realized they carried herpes.
But most of all, I miss the times sitting in the back seat of my parents car, looking out at the window, and thinking of all the possibilities of life.

2011-06-07T09:04:00.001-05:00

I dreamed that I was playing Ocarina of Time and somehow glitched the game. I was managing to fish on land and caught a Bengal Tiger. The game then froze. Wtf?

Taylor Swift, Jordin Sparks, and I sing Aerosmith- Surreal Dreams Vol 2

2011-03-04T13:56:00.000-06:00

I am in a building with Taylor Swift, Jordin Sparks and 5 other guys. Inside the building looks like some sort of strange unfinished industrial building, there is a large elevator out of service (oddly there are no stairs though) and a couple working elevators. On a platform-like elevator about 20 feet above the ground is Taylor Swift.She is telling me about her most recent purchases, which included a black hat and scarf. She models them for me and I tell her how sexy she looks.

Suddenly Jordin comes down on a second elevator lift right by Taylor. They are still both 20 feet above me and we talk about something I cant remember. Its implied that I am either dating, or having a sexual relationship with both of them. They say they need to go back upstairs and the elevators rise.

As they rise I start to sing Ragdoll by Aerosmith for some reason. The girls, who are upstairs now, can be heard singing with me. We start to alternate as we sing parts of the song. I notice about 5 men on the same level as me. The two furthest from me have long permed hair and are dressed like they came directly from the 80s.

As Taylor, Jordin, and I approach the chorus, the 80s men start to dance in unison. One is wearing a bright green shirt and suspenders, the other is wearing an orange collared shirt. I start to dance wildly and my coat slips off gradually. The song is almost over and I notice that green shirt guy is now sans shirt as he dances progressively more aggressive. I remember that he had a Scott Hall-like hairy chest.

We finish the song and everyone cheers wildly. Thats when I wake up. Wtf?

Im not racist if I dream about banging a black chick right?

80s Guy in a nutshell

<3 Hearts are manly right? RIGHT?!

The Case of the Disappearing Friendship

2011-02-03T01:04:00.002-06:00

I never want to become "one of those people". You know the ones, the people that start dating someone then seem to disappear off the face of the earth. Its annoying to lose people to that shit, only to have them come back months later with their tail tucked between their legs because the relationship ended. As most relationships do. If you dont have a significant other that you can bring into the folds of your friendships, the relationship will likely not last. /rant

In Defense of a 23 Year Old Liking Pokemon

2011-02-03T01:03:00.002-06:00

"Critics who treat 'adult' as a term of approval, instead of as a merely descriptive term, cannot be adult themselves. To be concerned about being grown up, to admire the grown up because it is grown up, to blush at the suspicion of being childish; these things are the marks of childhood and adolescence. And in childhood and adolescence they are, in moderation, healthy symptoms. Young things ought to want to grow. But to carry on into middle life or even into early manhood this concern about being adult is a mark of really arrested development. When I was ten, I read fairy tales in secret and would have been ashamed if I had been found doing so. Now that I am fifty I read them openly. When I became a man I put away childish things, including the fear of childishness and the desire to be very grown up."
— C.S. Lewis

Stuck In My Head 1-2-2011 The Fray- Heartless

2011-02-02T23:33:00.001-06:00

Stuck In My Head 1/23/11: Wolfsheim- Once In a Lifetime

2011-01-23T17:00:00.001-06:00

Stuck In My Head 1/16/11: Katy Perry- Teenage Dream

2011-01-20T10:17:00.001-06:00

Jan 9th 2011 Early Daytime dream

2011-01-20T09:57:00.000-06:00

I was in a bizarre mall that had no store labels or directions. Everything was slightly dark and the walls were black. The area where the stores were was a wide open, dark room with dips to random locations. I approached on dip and could see red stairs leading down to other stores.

I was looking for a specific dream (of which I cant remember) but I kept finding only bathrooms and exits. The bathrooms were peculiar in that they had no doors and only a small Y-Shaped hallway separated the mens room from the womens. The Mens urinals looked like poured metal jutting out of the black walls and there were no stalls or sinks that I can remember.

The primary colors of the mall were black, yellow, and red. The dream ended with me on an escalator traveling through a narrow hallway. The escalator steps would rise when they were lifting people over a hill and then fall when I was on a straight path. The now flat steps were coming to a point where they looked like they would crush me against a very low ceiling. Suddenly they dropped off, allowing passage.

The escalator was going very fast and there was a woman screaming behind me. I yelled back jokingly and awkwardly "Are you gonna be alright?" I received no answer, and said "I think I am going to be sick and throw up." I remember thinking how redundant that statement was, then I woke up.

Two Tickets to Paradise.

2010-10-13T05:27:00.002-05:00

You have a plane ticket to go anywhere you want. Where do you go and why?

The Man I Was

2010-10-13T05:23:00.000-05:00

I cannot deal with the man I used to be anymore. That man hurt people he loved. He pushed 3 of the people that he loved out of his life. Its hard for me to think I have much of a future, when I look back on the horrible things I have done. Whether there was a reason for it or not, I was wrong. I would literally give up everything I have to be able to take back the bad things I have done to you, I am sorry.