The Shamblettes

PLL Redux: Nomz, Moms, & Tittay Bombs

2012-01-31T11:32:00.000-08:00

See, Em, touching wood isn't as bad as it seems. Close Ur mouf, Aria!

Hey you lyin' ass Hobags, another week, another episode of PLL to trash-talk with love. This week, in an effort to keep things fresh "why-don't-we-hit-it-from-the-back-this-time" style, I'm switching up the way I write the Redux much like Chaz Bono switches up his gender. Fret not, lil' Baconators, my bitchery will still be there in all it's glory, but for those who don't live and breathe this shitshow like me, the Shambles will come less stream-of-thought, and more "this is what happened during the show" so that (like Kardashian hind quarters) it's more accessible to all.
SIDE NOTE: After this week's trial run, if your Daddy complex is in full effect and you prefer it the old way, I'll go back to it next time... but I won't know what's working unless you let me know in the comments. NTWayz, enough housekeeping, let's get to the Reduxin' after the jump, cuz there was mad drama, and there's mad shit to be talked...

Random Bless: "Stray Runners"

2012-01-30T12:06:00.000-08:00

Feel the Bless, Fux... And the grease.

Howdy hobags, Hobags. Adrian Grenny here for a long overdue Random Bless to bring to your eye-parts for eyesumption. My Danny Devito sausage hands are literally dripping with grease from all the time I haven't laid them upon a sub-sect of fux in need of their random bless powers, but all that is about change. This time the fux in question might need a full body bless rubdown, because once they get going (like a Kardashian special on E!) they can't be stopped from spreading their evil. So don't be a fool-tard, jump on in here like an Asian ween at an all U can eat Harajuku Girl Buffet and see just who it is receiving my powers of bless this time...

Searches That Brung U To Me - 4

2012-01-26T12:25:00.000-08:00

I'd be excited too if I was sittin' on his lap. DILF!!

Hi kiddos, I've been sick for a week and really want to kill myself. But, before I do, I thought I'd check to see what is that was bringing you lil' Baconators to the Shamblette's... and as usual, I was disgusted, humored, and honored(?) at what I found. So here you go, it's what I'm calling my 21 weirdo salute, featuring 21 searches that brung yallz nastay asses to the Shamblettes... but since this post has been pretty lame in the past, I've tried to find a way to spruce it up Walmart-becoming-a-Target style.
I'm not sure if it's worse that I write such top shelf stuff, or that it's bringing all the pedos to the yard and giving me more hits than a group of Rihanna look-a-likes at Chris Brown's birthday party. Either way, click up on in this ish to see just what it is that you Hobags were searching for that brought your stank-encrusted eyeballs to this blog...

PLL Redux: U Get That On Film? Unfortuantely.

2012-01-24T13:50:00.000-08:00

OMGaga! I know right, Fassbender's got some surryous ween!

Another week, another PLL redux. If we weren't one more episode closer to finding out for good who the fuq "A" is, I'd probably be drunk on carbs from how slow-ish tonight's episode was... but with last week's Gay Lucas letdown resolution, thing's can't get any worse right? RIGHT? Guess you'll have to read on to find out, but if the above picture/fashions from the Halloween episode (which we flashed back to again this week) is any kind of clue, then tragedy is on the horizon...

Kiki & Adrian's Shambled Truths: Misery 101

2012-01-23T12:05:00.000-08:00

Which way to the buffet?

'Sup knuckleheads? Adrian here as always bringing your lard-infused asses a brand spankin' new feature called "Kiki & Adrian's Shambled Truths". It ain't rocket science or anything, just a collection of truths on life (namely ours) that Kiki and I have come to during our many gchat sessions. Don't be fooled, this isn't "Gchats U Wish U Wrote", just commandments similar to the Rules and Reguweightions of the Fat Club to help you realize that, like Shambles through the hourglass, these are the mottos of our lives. With that in mind, these truths might not apply to your life, but if you're reading this blog then something tells me they probably do. Enjoy...

Whatchu Playin' Fool? -- You Packin What?

2012-01-19T14:24:00.000-08:00

This is hard! Kid, you've got no idea.

As promised, here's the game that brought all the weens to the yard. So get your thinking scrotes on, and use what I taught you in last week's "Is That A Thing" post (post, tee hee) cuz if you're wrong about these weens, no one will axe you to the big dance in the sheets, or at least you might get dickbushed when the dude you're about to bone pulls out more than his wallet and you're not ready for what's there. Side note though, as out there as some of my posts are, I do have a sense of modesty... so don't expect nudie pix in this post, but there's a twist! Find out what it is and click on for the game of goods...

PLL Redux: Choke On This, Bitch!

2012-01-17T13:14:00.000-08:00

Surryously, I can't. What is that statue-thingy in the background?

Ugh, so here we are again with another episode of PLL. I love this show, but after this week it's truly testing my patience. Read on to see why, or don't... either way I'll probably still threat-text you later...

Is That A Thing? -- The Dixth Sense

2012-01-12T13:02:00.000-08:00

I see dead weens!

How they hangin', Hobags? Adro Grenny here as always for another edition of "Is That A Thing?", and this time I can assure you, it IS in fact a thing (literally and figuratively)... because not only do I (allegedly, because I can't see past my fat rolls) have this thing, but I also have the special skills to dick-cipher said thing on someone else. So cleanse that palette, pull out your squishy parts, and let's get to the bottom (or top depending on which you prefer) of this special, but-not-in-the-short-bus-way, skill that I (and others like me I'm sure) have marinating just under our Lane Bryant jeans and mind-parts...

PLL Redux: A'd Like To Make A Call Preez

2012-01-10T11:46:00.000-08:00

Clearly Emily farted, but Aria's the one that stinks.

Oh man, other than everything edible, there's nothing I love more than a fresh ass episode of Pretty Little Liars. This week's eppy was full of it's usual non-plausible moments, and "A" lot of Gay Lucas, but that's why I love this show so much that I bought a PLL 2012 wall calendar (hey, if we're all gonna die or whatever, at least I'll do it while Hefty Hanna scowls at me from across the room ALA the pic above). But this isn't about me, it's about what went down last night like Aria at a Daddy-Issues convention for horribly eyebrowed youths. So take the jump on in here Kris Kross style and see what the hell went down this week in Rosewood...

Holy Hot Messes: Membershit Only Warehouse

2012-01-09T11:29:00.000-08:00

Ten points if you can find the black guy.

Oh my grits, Lil' Baconators... it's 2012 and I'm back full time to bring in the new year with a whole heap of Shambles to keep your jellies jammin' til blood runs in the streets and we all die or whatever because the Mayan calendar-makers got lazy. But in lighter news, I'm boutta bring your lard-infused asses another heap of Holy Hot Mess, and this time it's a place that not even Lady Gaga's penis would wanna go in. No, it's not a Kardashian Cooch or "da Club", but the place in question is just as full of random shit you don't need, and just as easy to get in to...

PLL Redux: Back In thA Hood Like Sista Act 2

2012-01-03T10:04:00.000-08:00

Caynt cancel dis kitty cooch. Um, axshly I can. U nxt "St. Of Georgia"

Happy Jew-thousand-12, Lil' Baconators. I know you've missed me throwback Pepsi style, but like the chemicals in that Devil's juice, I always find a way back into your life to cause chaos and ever-widening hips. It's been a hot-ass minute since we've had a new epi-soda (see what I did there?) of Pretty Little ~~Hobags~~ Liars, and like that one time after that condomless orgy in a dark alley behind Ross Dress For Less, the wait to find out what went down since then was agonizing.

Well it's finally time to get close to "A" and her/him/it/Mona/they's identity; cuz that endless-text-plan-having skank is back to torment the sluttiest 17 year-olds on TV this side of a Teen Mom, and I'm here to Redux the shit out of it after the jump, but hurry, or you might have to sit through another episode of Melissa and Joey and wish we could all ~~get cancelled~~ die like that Chloe King skank and her allegeded 9 lives...

Nerd Alert! End of Year Shamgestions

2011-12-20T14:13:00.000-08:00

I'd steal your crazy too, but I'm good in that department.

Happy Hol-i-gayz, Lil' Baconators. ~~All~~ Some of you may know that every year, my dear Shamblette friend, LaCray LeMansh puts out a list of the top albums, movies, TV, and books for the year on Facebook in a note called "the best-of list". Well he's lame, because clearly he hasn't realized Facebook Notes are sooo 200late. But, seeing as how I agree with his picks (because he likes everything I do since he wants to be me [minus 500 pounds]), I'm posting his list here on the Shamblette's as a sort of end-of-year Nerd Alert post with his Shamgestions for the top recommendations in the world of entergaynment.

I'm not proud of my theft, but neither were Lindsay Lohan and Winona Ryder. But, unlike them, I won't turn into a lesbian or play a washed up has-been in Black Swan, instead I'll hold my chins up high and say that what follows after the jump are LaCray's top picks of 2011, and I whole-baconwrapped-heartedly agree with them. Let me know in the comments if you do too...

Gays Do It Better: Court Is Now In Fashionz

2011-12-15T13:11:00.000-08:00

Close ya mouf, Clinton! I said juicy couture, not Di'ju C Cock, Whore?

What's up, fellow Gays and Straights? If you answered "my ween" then I object and you really need to get out more. But if you answered, "not shit", then I sustain, overrule, and say pass the chips and call me later cuz we have lots in common. But I digress with thoughts of satty fats.

This edition of Gays Do It Better is a bit of a given, but don't hold me in contempt of court for speaking my mind. Just click on in here and read about how it's in every Gay's constitution to speak their mind when their straight counterparts axe, "Hey Gurl hey, how does I look in this outfits?"...

The Bitch List: Shhh... I'm Droppin' D's Hurr

2011-12-14T12:19:00.000-08:00

It's called the Men's Room for a reason, Poo-lette!

Cross those legs and hide that toilet paper on your shoe, Adrian Grenadine is here as always to add another name to the (like Kim Kardashian's cooch) ever widening scroll of paper known as "The Bitch List". Tis' the holiday season, so like Santa I've made this list, checked it twice, and still can't scratch this edition's offender off the naughty side. But why, you axe? Well you'll just have to read on to find out. But here's a clue, the ones being christened on my Bitch List this time are taking things they shouldn't in a place they're not allowed, and frankly, what they're doing is pretty shitty. And it's my duty (tee hee) to put them back in their place...

Shambletta Stone: Terms to Know - 2

2011-12-12T13:17:00.000-08:00

Happy Ho-lidays, from the Jersey Shore Bebehs!

Moist Monday to you, HoHoHobags. Tis' almost the season for prezzies under the tree, unleavened bread beneath the Ikea table, and dashiki head-dresses or whatever you wear for Kwanza. So since I'm in the giving mood, instead of herpes carrying crabs, I'm gonna give you Lil' Baconators a treat this December Monday... in the form of another edition of the Shambletta Stone to help define those terms I use that, like the word toothbrush, you in the deep south and parts of Florida/California may not understand. So click on in here for a short little post that keeps on giving knowledge like blistering sores once or twice a year... but don't forget your ointment...

Nerd Alert! Pushing Out More Treasures

2011-12-08T13:58:00.000-08:00

It only hurts for laik 7 seconds, then it starts feelin' goodz!

Like a twist ending to an M. Night Shyamalan porn, I've realized that I haven't put out a Nerd Alert post since August. Also like that M. Night porn, I've attempted to make you forget about my muff-up by pretending like my lapse in judgement (Lady in the Water, The Happening, everything he made after Signs) never happened, by bringing you fresh nerdy content to wipe away those former missteps like boogers on a computer screen.
So pop on in here drunk-uncle-you-have-to-share-a-bed-with-at-X-mas style, and please-to prepare to discover some things in the food groups of Books and TV that, like that baby you ate years ago and haven't seen since, you may not have known were waiting to come out and make your life more interesting...

Gchats U Wish... Vulgur Jelly & Incest Herpes

2011-12-07T12:21:00.000-08:00

Don't go there, Gurrfren! That shit ids nastee.

Oh boy, oh boi, oh buoy, if you're easily offended, please-to DO NOT read on past the jump. Because me and Shamblina are at it full NSFW style, and like a 400 item buffet, nothing is off limits from our carnal desires. I stumbled upon this treasure of a Gchat in the archives of awesome known as my inbox, and I couldn't stop marveling at how ridiculous we got talking more shit than a backed up gas station toilet after an all you can nom crab-meat festival. So grab your sibling, send the kiddies to bed, and click on that "keep reading" shiz to revel in how much more ~~offensive~~ interesting my online chat-sessions are than yours...

Holy Hot Messes! - Insane Doggy Style

2011-12-06T12:40:00.000-08:00

Tupper-where the hell U been, Adrian Grenadine?

Like your period last month, did y'all Lil' Baconators miss me? I've been off in the land of employment trying to be skinny and become no longer single, but like that orgy with Sam Jaeger and Noel Kahn from PLL, it's just not happening. So while I was in re-flab, trying not to eat anyone and everything that came into the fatcinity of my cake hole, I just missed my loyal follower(s) too murch, and thus I'm back full time to bring in the holiday season with a big rape-bang.

But enough being all sappy and nice, it's time to get to the shit talkin' all 3 of you come here for as I break down someone who, much like a dick in an oven, is truly a hot mess. In an attempt to streamline content and make more frequent posts, I'm pulling a Briss and cutting the posts down for your (and future lovers') enjoyment, thus there's only a Hot Mess Person this time, and not a Place or Thing. But like that post-Briss ween, they will come eventually. So read on to see who gets my hot mess approval this time around, but I warn you, she ain't pretty...

SILOHBS: Dick Sniff Lookers

2011-11-11T11:17:00.000-08:00

Daym, Gurr put that thing away, it staynk. What thing?

Hope you've got your perfume out, cuz this edition of "Stuff I Like Or Hate But Shouldn't" will leave a few of you scratching your heads, and others of you scratching your cooch with wonderment because the people I'm focusing on here are a true conundrum. These folks (almost always white), are People Who Look Like They Smell Like Day Old Penis. I know, it's strange, but so are these folks. Don't worry, I'll provide examples of what I mean after the jump... but first, do I love or hate these DSL's (dick sniff lookers not dick sucking lips Shambles)? Well, to be honest I...

Top Model Redux: Back-words In Rhyme

2011-11-03T10:02:00.000-07:00

Damn, Tyrasauraus Rex, U giving me NOTHING with dem arms.

Top of the Model to you, Bitches. After my month-atus from the Shamblette's, we've lost even more skinny bitches to the panel of elimination death, headed by Queen Hobag herself and also Tyra Banks (ZING! Shambles). My lame Andre Leon Talley diss outta the way, let's pretend like we aren't trying to turn back time like prehistoric skankwads by pretending that we aren't down like 5 twig-bitches since last time I posted on this "show", move on from my gap in reduxin', and get back to the shit talkin' and skinny bitch judging after the jump...

Is It In Yet? - Feeding The Problem

2011-11-01T11:17:00.000-07:00

The margo glass is her b-hole, the skraws her pubes, guess what the Corona is?

Like your period after that late night trip to the back-alley behind pizza hut next to that frat house, I took some time off (a month to be exact), but like that rash on your cooch after that early morning trip to the front of that herpes dick; I may go away, but that doesn't mean I'm not gonna come back when you least expect it. So face it, Lil' Baconators, there's no getting rid of me forever.

Those lovely sentiments aside, allow me to get back to bidness and bring you a brand new spankin' Is It In Yet? post to start off the relaunch of the Shamblette's. But be warned, my month off has only made me more shambled, so if you're ready to read, I'm ready to feed... your eye parts with hilarity...

Searches That Brung U To Me - 3

2011-09-27T16:09:00.000-07:00

Manfaceuhraptor alert!

Get out that ointment, Ho-asaurauses... cuz it is-be time for another round of searches that led you to my lovely little blog. Per usual, you people are weirdos, but I wouldn't have it any other way. So take the jump and see just what it is that (my commentary in parentheses) you pervs at home are searching for during your God-Knows-What private time and, instead of finding Deena from Jersey Shore's poosay, you're getting a little bitta Shamblette's...

Project Runway Redux - Fatty Menz... Wear?

2011-09-23T09:59:00.000-07:00

HK issa microphone, notta icecream cone. (hawngry bitch Shambles)

Last night's episode was CLEARLY brought to you by Garnier, and fake accented Asian snobs who don't like fat people or anything other than a boring color palette (wonder who I'm talking about Shambles). We're down to 8 Hobags, Lil' Baconators... so the competish is getting tighter than a two year old. Once again we've got a group challenge, but with emphases on the Indo (as in vidual) designers. But enough gabbin', let's get to all the juicy inner thigh deets from this week.

As always though, be warned... there be spoilers about who won, and who went home this week (at the end of the post in the SPOILER ZONE), so don't say I didn't warn you like that one time you took a dump in your friends' purse and called it a "doggy bag" (why didn't you catch the bag on fire and ring the doorbell Shambles)... NTWayz, if you read something you didn't want to know, it's not my fault. Now on to that Redux...

Top Model Redux: Hot Dogs & Hoe-nuts

2011-09-22T10:54:00.000-07:00

Bangs = Hideo. Snax = Yumbo. Can't stand = You

Howdy hotdogs and slutnuggets, you skinny bitches. Top Model was back and even thought there was crying and threats of leaving the show a plenty (is this record skipping Shambles?) it also had me sleeping and sweating all at the same time. But enough about the cliche' bullshit that's around every season, this episode the Rexolimic modeltestants actually ate food and let someone take pictures of them eating said food for evidence. But before your cooch explodes with confusion, let's get to the Reduxin now or someone might decide to keep them hotweenz down...

AngryBitter & Jelly: I Ain't You Edition

2011-09-21T15:20:00.000-07:00

Stop tryin', bitch (literally). Yoo ain't never gonna be oneuh us.

Word up, Hobags. Who missed me? (Crickets) that's what I thought. But whether you like it or not, I'm back after a few week's of feeding and ready to get muh AngryBitter & Jelly sammich on. This time I'm talking 'bout shits that I am not a part of and (sadly) probably never will be. So pull those fat rolls up, tuck those quadruple chins back, and keep on reading after the jump to see just what's making me angry, bitter, and jelly this time around...