The Sharp Angle

Friday Query Critique

noreply@blogger.com (Lydia Sharp) — Fri, 27 Jan 2012 11:00:00 +0000

If you would like to offer your query for public critique, send it to lydiasharp4sff (at) yahoo (dot) com and put "query critique" somewhere in the subject line.

You may email your query at any time and I will send you a confirmation of receipt.

One to three critiques will be posted each Friday, depending on my workload. Queries are posted anonymous. I may choose to keep your critique private through email (if I do, I will tell you why).

Queries can be for novels of any genre, but my specialty areas are science fiction, fantasy, and young adult fiction (contemporary of any type, science fiction, fantasy).

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Query

[name of agent redacted]:

I have recently registered for [redacted] Conference in [redacted], March 2012. Through their website, I learned of your attendance to the event. I researched your submission guidelines and found that what I have written fits the criteria of what you are looking for. With that said, I am happy to offer you an exclusive look at my novel, EVELYN CROSS AND THE FALL OF TRINITY, a paranormal fantasy complete at approximately 95,000 words.

Destroy the box, save the world.

When harvester, Evy Cross, steals a box from the dead city of Rome, she unleashes a horde of shape-shifting demons hell-bent on destruction. It has magic so powerful, regular people obtain supernatural powers. A cruel overlord, Mattheis, will stop at nothing to possess the stolen artifact. He executes Evy’s sister in front of her and burns her city to the ground.

Revenge is Evy’s new favorite flavor. To avenge her sister’s death, Evy must team up with the wretched Stephan James and his team of unworldly beings and take the fiancé of the man she loves under her protection. Her quest to kill Mattheis is hampered by danger, betrayal, a thousand-year-old prophecy and an army of the Mattheis’ followers, among which are a plethora of demons.

I would be delighted to send an entire manuscript for your review. Thank you in advance for your consideration. I look forward to hearing from you and seeing you at the conference.

Lydia's Comments

[name of agent redacted]:

I have recently registered for [redacted] Conference in [redacted], March 2012. Through their website, I learned of your attendance to the event. I researched your submission guidelines and found that what I have written fits the criteria of what you are looking for. With that said, I am happy to offer you an exclusive look at my novel, EVELYN CROSS AND THE FALL OF TRINITY, a paranormal fantasy complete at approximately 95,000 words.

I like how you opened the letter with specifics to the agent. The only thing that made me pause was the offer of an exclusive look at your novel right off the bat. At this early stage, offering an exclusive is neither expected nor necessary.

Destroy the box, save the world. {Personally, I like pitches that open with a tag line, but some people don't. Just be aware that you're taking a risk by starting this way.}

When harvester {If her harvesting skills aren't necessary to the pitch, don't mention this. If it is necessary to the pitch, clarify how it relates.}, Evy Cross, steals a box from the dead city of Rome, {What do you mean by "dead"? As far as I know, Rome is still a thriving city. Also, using the word "steals" raises the question of "why is she stealing it?"} she unleashes a horde of shape-shifting demons hell-bent on destruction. It has magic so powerful, regular people obtain supernatural powers. {How, just by touching it, or...? Is this why Evy wants it? Or does she discover this fact *after* stealing it? Without a point of reference, I'm lost.} A cruel overlord, Mattheis, will stop at nothing to possess the stolen artifact. {This is an awkward introduction for this character. Was he part of the horde unleashed from the box? Or did he know about it before and she got to it first? Or does he want it only after seeing what it is capable of, after Evy stole it? What does "cruel overlord" mean? It makes me wonder if he's even human.} He executes Evy’s sister in front of her and burns her city to the ground. {What does her sister have to do with this? "Her city" is... what? Rome? And what does killing Evy's sister and burning down an entire city accomplish? How does someone burn down a city without the authorities getting involved? Again, this makes me wonder if Mattheis is human or not, but nothing about him has been clarified.}

My main issue so far is that the introductory paragraph raises far too many questions. My confusion is distracting me from what is likely a really intense story.

Revenge is Evy’s new favorite flavor. {LOVE this sentence.} To avenge her sister’s death, Evy must team up with the wretched Stephan James and his team of unworldly beings {why? Who is this person? What are his stakes in the issue? Why is he helping her? Again, too many questions result from a weak character introduction.} and take the fiancé of the man she loves under her protection. {First, mentioning that there is a person she has to protect during all of this, without connecting that person to any other part of the pitch, feels like an unnecessary side point. It's a frayed edge-- cut it loose. Second, the word "fiancé" denotes male. If that's what you meant, fine. Reading it like that, I assumed the man she loves is gay. But if you meant female, change it to fiancée.} Her quest to kill Mattheis is hampered by danger, betrayal, a thousand-year-old prophecy {This is too vague. You have room to expand and be more specific. Without specifics, I don't really know what's at stake so the tension is lost.} and an army of the Mattheis’ followers, among which are a plethora of demons.

I would be delighted to send an entire manuscript for your review. Thank you in advance for your consideration. I look forward to hearing from you and seeing you at the conference.

Even with all that red lettering above, I am intrigued enough by the concept of the box that I would read the first pages of the story. (except that I, personally, wouldn't actually read it because I don't read books about angels and/or demons. I just meant that you have something there that piques interest on its own.) But I'm coming away from this pitch more confused than anything else. Some of the events don't connect as solidly as I think they could, such as avenging her sister's death. And I still don't know why Evy is involved with this crazy box in the first place. Clarify her goal and motives as early as possible, preferably in the very first sentence.

Thank you so much for offering your query letter for public critique. Best of luck to you!

Does anyone else have any suggestions for our brave writer-friend?

Happy querying,
~Lydia

Book Cover Reveal - TIDAL WHISPERS

noreply@blogger.com (Lydia Sharp) — Thu, 26 Jan 2012 14:30:00 +0000

Check out this amazing cover for the upcoming Tidal Whispers anthology, which includes a story from one of my personal author-friends, Kelly Said.

Helloooooo, GORGEOUS! I'm officially in love.

If you'd like to add Tidal Whispers to your goodreads shelf, click here.
For more info, including publisher details and story titles & blurbs, check out Kelly's blog, here.

Connecting Your Opposite Turning Points In Story Structure - Part Two

noreply@blogger.com (Lydia Sharp) — Wed, 25 Jan 2012 11:00:00 +0000

Last week we discussed three of the six pairs of opposite turning points in story structure. Turning points can be used as a framework for a rough outline before you write your story, and can be referred to again during revisions to help tighten and solidify your story arc.

Opening                            Closing

Set-up Grand Finale

Catalyst                             Break Into Three

Debate                               Dark Night of the Soul

Break Into Two                 All Is Lost

Fun & Games                    "Bad Guys" Close In

                   Midpoint

Information about the midpoint can be found here, and we covered the first three pairs of turning points in last week's post here. Now, onto the final three.

Debate and Dark Night of the Soul

These two sections are where the factors come into play that affect the decision-making connected to the catalyst and the break into three. I personally refer to the debate as "should I do this or shouldn't I?" and the dark night of the soul as "I should keep going but I don't know how."

In the debate, the protagonist weighs all the options before making a decision that will result in a point of no return, thrusting them into the main premise without the option of backing out. In the dark night of the soul, the protagonist believes that "all is lost" until something or someone shows them differently. Or simply reminds them of what they already knew. Then, again, the options are weighed before making a firm decision to fix everything, but this time the protagonist knows more about the risks, having already experienced many of them firsthand through the course of the story thus far.

The main thing to remember about these two points is that they are both about calculating risks, but the further into the story you are, the more information and experience you have, which is what makes the dark night of the soul so... dark. And that's where the opposites are seen. The protagonist starts out hopeful, then is kicked down and kicked down again and kicked down again until they feel they can't possibly get back up again. So the debate in the first half of the story appears shallow, selfish, in comparison to the debate in the second half.

That isn't to say that the first debate is shallow and selfish. Just by comparison, relatively speaking, because more facts and risks are known in the second half. The later choice is exponentially more difficult, usually involving some kind of self-sacrifice--and it should show.

Break Into Two and All Is Lost

The break into the second act is a huge push from the protagonist onto themselves. The have made a choice to move toward a clear goal, closely connected to the main premise of the story. The possibility of failure is always there, but the protag doesn't feel the full weight of it yet. They are on a "start of the journey" high, not yet beaten down by repeated efforts of the antagonist to ensure they don't succeed.

On the flip side is the "all is lost" moment, which happens near the end of act two. At this point the huge push onto the protagonist is coming from the antagonist, so the effect is negative rather than positive. The protagonist is pushed so hard, in fact, that they truly believe (even if only for a moment) that there is no hope for them. They have failed. They want to give up. They can't see a way out or through or around. They feel lost in every sense.

So in terms of refining/emphasizing the effect of these turning points, viewing them side by side should show the stark contrast between the two. One is entirely positive (forward momentum toward a clear goal, a decision made by the protagonist) and the other is entirely negative (a standstill, no forward movement, or they may feel that they've moved backwards).

Fun & Games and "Bad Guys" Close In

In my previous series on story structure, I referred to the fun & games portion as "the promise of the premise" and the bad guys close in section as "the big squeeze." The reason being, the terms "fun & games" and "bad guys close in", if taken too literally while drafting, can pretty much ruin your plot.

But rather than explain all of that again, if you're not familiar with what these sections entail, or why they are called what they are called, click here and here.

These two sections are so closely related to the previous two (break into two and all is lost) that I could almost copy the same thoughts here that I stated above. One is mostly positive (fun & games) and one is mostly negative (bad guys close in).

The tricky part of these, however, is that it's more of an "I know what I'm doing" section versus a "what the hell am I doing?" section. In the fun & games section, the first half of act two, the protagonist is much more confident than in the bad guys close in section. Why?

The midpoint, mostly. Which is why understanding the midpoint is crucial to understanding story structure. At the midpoint you have either a false peak or a false collapse (again, this is explained here). But no matter what happens at the midpoint, it will always mark a shift in the protagonist's view toward their own situation.

Let me repeat that. It marks a shift in the protagonist's view toward their own situation. So on the one side of act two, the protagonist is feeling relatively confident, and on the other side of act two, the protagonist begins wavering more toward insecure. Indecisive. Tumbling out of control. Until they reach the all is lost moment, the ultimate low.

These sections can also be compared in terms of what the protagonist knows going into act two versus what the protagonist learns at, or just after, the midpoint. The second half of act two is prime real estate for the revealing of dirty secrets, or the uncovering of vital clues. It puts more and more negative pressure on the protagonist. It makes them question everything and everyone. It steals their confidence, changes their viewpoint.

Understanding why and how these sections revolve so closely to the midpoint shift is key to understanding their similarities and differences, and can help you write and revise them more effectively.

I hope this two-part series on opposite structural turning points has been helpful. If you have any questions, please leave them in the comments section below.

Happy writing!
~Lydia

Fresh Baked Books - Week Four

noreply@blogger.com (Lydia Sharp) — Mon, 23 Jan 2012 14:00:00 +0000

Welcome to Fresh Baked Books, a weekly feature meant to encourage reading and trying new things.

At the beginning of each week I'll post the new releases in YA lit along with a baking recipe. If you would like to be included in the post the following week, email me by Saturday night. Send a brief review (no more than a paragraph for each) of what you read and/or baked. Photos are welcome, but not required. If you would rather not review a book, simply tell me what book/s you read.

If you participate one week you are not obligated to do so the next week. Just jump in whenever you can. I'll be playing along from week to week, too!

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Lydia's Book Review:

Last week I read Lovetorn by Kavita Daswani. What originally drew me into this novel is that the main character is from India and is forced to take up residence in Los Angeles when her father gets a job transfer. There are a lot of interesting cultural differences brought out, especially in the beginning chapters. If you like that sort of thing (like I do) then I would highly recommend this book. If you don't, it's probably not going to keep your interest.

The first half of the book focuses mainly on Shalina's adjustments to life in America. This covers everything from differing views on facial/body hair, to living arrangements, to school, to wardrobe, and sadly, her mother's ever-worsening depression from culture shock. Shalina is also heart-sick for the boy she left in India, who she'd just been engaged to marry before moving to Los Angeles. This is touched on throughout the whole book, but doesn't become a real conflict until the second half of the story when Shalina meets Toby, and can't seem to keep her eyes and mind off of him.

Overall, this is a good weekend read. Recommended especially for those who like to read about non-American cultures.

Lydia's Recipe Review:

Not much to say about the Jalapeno Cheddar Corn Muffins other than that they are super-easy, super-quick, and super-delicious. A great accompaniment to a pot of chili. My only complaint is that they weren't as spicy as I was expecting. I wanted raging flames and I only got a spark. But that may be perfect for some of you.

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Releases This Week In YA

Contemporary:

GETTING OVER GARRETT DELANEY by Abby McDonald
tags: friendship, dating, love & romance, summer jobs

MY AWESOME/AWFUL POPULARITY PLAN by Seth Rudetsky
tags: friendship, dating, religion, lgbt

THE TAMING by Teresa Toten & Eric Walters
tags: love & romance, physical & emotional abuse

THERE IS NO DOG by Meg Rosoff
tags: love & romance, humor, social issues

Science Fiction & Fantasy:

DAUGHTER OF THE CENTAURS by Kate Klimo
tags: mythical creatures, survival, action/adventure

EVERNEATH by Brodi Ashton
tags: love & romance, supernatural, immortality

FALLEN IN LOVE by Lauren Kate
tags: love & romance, paranormal, reincarnation

FORBIDDEN by Syrie James & Ryan M. James
tags: angels, supernatural, psychic abilities, love & romance

HAVOC by Jeff Sampson
tags: genetic engineering, werewolves, paranormal, action/adventure

LIFE ETERNAL by Yvonne Woon
tags: immortality, love & romance, boarding school

MESMERIZE by Artist Arthur
tags: love & romance, paranormal

PING SMOG by Francesca Lia Block
tags: magic realism, family, divorce, love & romance, social issues

THE WAY WE FALL by Megan Crewe
tags: virus, survival, love & romance

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Recipe: Pizza Pretzels from Pillsbury*

Ingredients

1 tablespoon Crisco® 100% Extra Virgin Olive Oil
OR Crisco® Pure Olive Oil
1 tablespoon cornmeal
1 tablespoon Pillsbury BEST® All Purpose Flour
1 can (13.8 oz) Pillsbury® refrigerated classic pizza crust
28 slices (1 1/2-inch size) pepperoni
8 pieces (1 oz each) mozzarella string cheese
4 teaspoons grated Parmesan cheese
1 cup tomato pasta sauce, heated

Preparation Directions

Heat oven to 425°F. Brush large cookie sheet with 1/2 tablespoon of the oil. Sprinkle cookie sheet with cornmeal.
Sprinkle flour over work surface. On floured surface, unroll pizza crust dough; starting at center, press dough into 16x10-inch rectangle. With pizza cutter or knife, cut dough lengthwise into 4 (2 1/2-inch-wide) strips.
Evenly place 7 pepperoni slices on each dough strip, leaving 1/2 inch on each end uncovered. Cut each string cheese in half lengthwise. Place 4 cheese halves on pepperoni on each dough strip, overlapping ends to fit.
Bring up sides of each dough strip over pepperoni and cheese, and tightly pinch together, stretching dough as necessary to fully enclose cheese and pepperoni; pinch ends to seal. Lightly roll and shape into 16-inch logs. To make pretzel shape, form each log into U-shape, then cross the ends and fold dough over so ends rest on bottom of U-shape. Place pretzels on cookie sheet. Brush pretzels with remaining 1/2 tablespoon oil; sprinkle with Parmesan cheese.
Bake 13 to 17 minutes or until pretzels are golden brown. Serve warm with pasta sauce for dipping.

*I do not claim ownership of this recipe

Happy reading and baking!
~Lydia

Friday Query Critique

noreply@blogger.com (Lydia Sharp) — Fri, 20 Jan 2012 11:00:00 +0000

Just a friendly reminder: If you're participating in Fresh Baked Books this week, please email your entry (book/s read and/or baking adventures) no later than Saturday night. Review of books is optional. If you don't want to review, just let us know which books you read. Thanks!

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If you would like to offer your query for public critique, send it to lydiasharp4sff (at) yahoo (dot) com and put "query critique" somewhere in the subject line.

You may email your query at any time and I will send you a confirmation of receipt.

One to three critiques will be posted each Friday, depending on my workload. Queries are posted anonymous. I may choose to keep your critique private through email (if I do, I will tell you why).

Queries can be for novels of any genre, but my specialty areas are science fiction, fantasy, and young adult fiction (contemporary of any type, science fiction, fantasy).

_____

Query #1

Dear Agent:

Gail's life has not been perfect. She might have avoided making a few important decisions, like who to marry and where to live. After her arranged marriage fails, she is paralyzed with fear and spends the first three months hiding behind the pages of her Harlequin romance novels.

Encouraged by her best friend, Gail makes the decision to strike out on her own. She gets a little unexpected help from a strange cast of characters, her over-the-top grandmother, and Tony Cimino, the man who waits patiently for her to finally see him.

Both over-shadowed by siblings, Gail and Tony have learned to settle for what they were told was all they could expect from life. He hides landscape magazines behind the ovens of his father's pizza and sub joint on Broadway. She hides behind thick lenses and dreams of studying graphic art.

Gail did not expect to love her new life, and never expected the love of another to find her. She cannot believe he is her chance at happiness and tries to push him away. But Tony, a man who knows what he wants and sees it in Gail, is not going to give up so easily.

ONCE MORE AROUND THE BLOCK, complete at 80K words, is a love story about two people who find the courage to start over. I would be happy to send part of all of the complete manuscript. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Lydia's Comments

Dear Agent:

Gail's life has not been perfect. ~~She might have avoided making a few important decisions, like who to marry and where to live.~~ After her arranged marriage fails, she is paralyzed with fear and spends ~~the first~~ three months hiding behind the pages of her Harlequin romance novels.

I almost cut the phrase "paralyzed with fear" but I think it just needs clarification. Can you show a specific reason why she's fearful? Just stating that her marriage failed could mean anything. Why did her failed marriage result in fear?

Encouraged by her best friend, Gail ~~makes the decision to~~ strikes out {do you mean ventures out?} on her own. She gets a little unexpected help {help doing what? This is a good opportunity to cite events in your plot that make your story unique.} from a strange cast of characters, her over-the-top grandmother, and Tony Cimino, the man who waits patiently for her to finally see him.

Listing the "strange cast of characters" she meets on her journey doesn't help me understand the plot. I'd rather you used those words to show me what they're all doing together, instead of just stating who they are.

Both over-shadowed by siblings, Gail and Tony have learned to settle for what they were told was all they could expect from life. He hides landscape magazines behind the ovens of his father's pizza and sub joint on Broadway. She hides behind thick lenses and dreams of studying graphic art.

The above paragraph is character development, not plot movement.

Gail did not expect to love her new life, and never expected the love of another to find her. She cannot believe he is her chance at happiness and tries to push him away. {why? This is the final paragraph. I should understand the reason behind everything you say here. The time for asking "why?" is in the beginning of the pitch, not the end.} But Tony, a man who knows what he wants and sees it in Gail, is not going to give up so easily. {again, why? The statements in this paragraph have not been properly set up in the preceding paragraphs.}

ONCE MORE AROUND THE BLOCK is a work of women's fiction, complete at 80K ,000 words, ~~is a love story about two people who find the courage to start over.~~ I would be happy to send ~~part of all of~~ the ~~complete~~ full manuscript. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Overall I feel like I'm missing a vital part of the plot, the part that makes your story unique. What I gather from this query is that you have a typical baseline for women's fiction-- a woman finding a way to move on with her life, and possibly find love, after a bad marriage-- but it is missing that special IT factor that takes the story to the next level.

Your story may very well have the IT factor I'm referring to, but I'm not seeing it here.

Contemporary fiction creates a beautiful challenge for its writers. You have to come up with a unique concept without the aid of fantastical elements, like you'd find in speculative fiction. It's a challenge, yes, but not impossible.

Many women's fiction novels revolve around a generic theme, such as having children, finding love, saving a marriage, etc. Which is fine. But you also have to have a unique concept made clear by the events of your plot. That's what will make this query stand out in a slush pile.

So whatever IT is in your story, clarify it. Emphasize it. Make it shine.

Thank you so much for offering your query for public critique, and good luck!

_____

Query #2

Dear Ms. Agent,

Have you ever thought that everything in your life was going your way, right until fate looked down on you and laughed? Hysterically? Yeah, Elle too.

Elle thought everything was going as planned, halfway through dental school and to her career as a dentist. She didn't expect to fall for her classmate Michael, and she really didn't expect to break off her relationship with her boyfriend of six years because of it. In a phone call. Oh well, she did anyway, and now Michael doesn't want to get serious with her. Of course he doesn't.

So what's a newly-single girl to do? Become the Maneater...obviously.

With her friends and partners in crime by her side, Elle navigates the territory that can only be described as the dating scene in Boston. She experiences the world of boys, bars and Bud Light - in a bottle, thank you very much. There are some exciting ups (Joseph, the valet parker for the Nine Zero hotel; Jesse, the beautiful boy at the club; and Nate, the gallery owner at the Armani Café) and some horrifying downs (Ryan, the black-toothed wonder; Bryan, the physics professor with the combover from hell; and Paul...well, some things are best kept a surprise). Even worse than dealing with guys, though, is dealing with Bridezilla, her best friend from college who's gone temporarily insane over her wedding.

It's not easy trying to balance dental school, dating, and dodging an incredibly bad bridesmaid dress, but somehow Elle does it all, with enough time to spare for a plate of nachos and french fries at Beantown Pub. But will Michael come back around for good? Will she make it through her third year of dental school in one piece? More importantly, will she have enough self-control to refrain from throttling the Bridezilla? The Maneater in the City is the beginning of Elle's journey of self-discovery at a time in her life when everyone around her seems more obsessed with coupling up than with being the best person possible, single or not. Readers of contemporary women's fiction - especially those on the fast track to career success, whether in the medical field or elsewhere - will identify with the heroine and relate to her frustrations, experiences, and of course, her bad dates.

The Maneater in the City is 80,958 words and is my first manuscript. I have been writing since the age of five, and although I am a full-time dentist, my career has not kept me from my writing, which is what I am most passionate about. My poetry, short stories and flash fiction pieces have appeared in [redacted] as well as two issues of the online magazine [redacted]. I am a member of the Romance Writers of America and the Chick Lit Writers of the World. I attend as many writing conferences as I do dental conferences, and unsurprisingly, I can relate to Elle more than I care to admit.

Please let me know if you are interested in further information regarding The Maneater in the City. It is on multiple submission, and I hope to find a home for it soon.

Thank you very much for your time, and I appreciate your taking my query letter into consideration.

Lydia's Comments

Dear Ms. Agent,

~~Have you ever thought that everything in your life was going your way, right until fate looked down on you and laughed? Hysterically? Yeah, Elle too.~~

Elle thought everything was going as planned, halfway through dental school and to her career as a dentist. {Redundant. I can assume she's studying for a career as dentist if she's in dental school.} She didn't expect to fall for her classmate Michael, and she really didn't expect to break off her relationship with her boyfriend of six years because of it. In a phone call. ~~Oh well, she did anyway,~~ and now Michael doesn't want to get serious with her. ~~Of course he doesn't.~~

So what's a newly-single girl to do? Become the Maneater.~~..obviously.~~

There is a fine line between too much character voice and just enough character voice in a query. How do you know when you've crossed that line? When the character voice distracts from the pitch.

With her friends and partners in crime by her side, Elle navigates the ~~territory that can only be described as the~~ dating scene in Boston. She experiences the world of boys, bars and Bud Light - in a bottle, thank you very much. There are some exciting ups (Joseph, the valet parker for the Nine Zero hotel; Jesse, the beautiful boy at the club; and Nate, the gallery owner at the Armani Café) and some horrifying downs (Ryan, the black-toothed wonder; Bryan, the physics professor with the combover from hell; and Paul...well, some things are best kept a surprise). {If you made her varied experiences with the boys the main point of your pitch, then detailing them like this might work. But otherwise, no.} Even worse than dealing with guys, though, is dealing with Bridezilla, her best friend from college who's gone temporarily insane over her wedding. {Redundant. I think most people understand what the term Bridezilla means.}

After another read-through, I think it's better to leave the Bridezilla element out of the query. I'm guessing it's more of a subplot in the novel than something directly tied to the main plot. Subplots are better left discovered in the novel while reading. They aren't necessary to the pitch.

It's not easy trying to balance dental school, dating, and dodging an incredibly bad bridesmaid dress, but somehow Elle does it all, ~~with enough time to spare for a plate of nachos and french fries at Beantown Pub.~~ But will Michael come back around for good? Will she make it through her third year of dental school in one piece? More importantly, will she have enough self-control to refrain from throttling the Bridezilla? The Maneater in the City is the beginning of Elle's journey of self-discovery at a time in her life when everyone around her seems more obsessed with coupling up than with being the best person possible, single or not. Readers of contemporary women's fiction - especially those on the fast track to career success, whether in the medical field or elsewhere - will identify with the heroine and relate to her frustrations, experiences, and of course, her bad dates.

The Maneater in the City {title should be in ALL CAPS} is 80,~~958~~ 000 words {with novels, round your word count to the nearest five thousand.} ~~and is my first manuscript~~. {You're missing the genre here, women's fiction.} ~~I have been writing since the age of five, and although I am a full-time dentist, my career has not kept me from my writing, which is what I am most passionate about.~~ My poetry, short stories and flash fiction pieces have appeared in [redacted] as well as two issues of the online magazine [redacted]. I am a member of the Romance Writers of America and the Chick Lit Writers of the World. ~~I attend as many writing conferences as I do dental conferences, and unsurprisingly, I can relate to Elle more than I care to admit.~~

~~Please let me know if you are interested in further information regarding The Maneater in the City. It is on multiple submission, and I hope to find a home for it soon.~~

If the agent is interested, they will let you know. No need to state it.

Thank you very much for your time, and I appreciate your taking my query letter into consideration.

I think this query needs a re-vision. Meaning, I'd suggest you envision a different approach. The points you need are there, but they're out of order and overcrowded by unnecessary points.

It took me a few reads, but I can see a fun chick-lit-y type novel hiding under that jumble of words. If you focus more on her struggles in the dating arena I think this could be a great pitch. As is, it's a bit all over the place. Hone in on the main plot-- show us what kind of stakes are involved, and what might result from her choices.

I can imagine a story like this being a comedy of errors. If that's what it is, show it in the query.

Also, tone down the voice. Just a smidge. Like I said before it's a fine line. You don't want the query to be too dry, but it's easy to be an eager beaver and push the voice into annoyance territory.

Thank you for sharing your query with us, and good luck!

Does anyone else have any suggestions for either of our brave writer-friends?

~Lydia

Connecting Your Opposite Turning Points In Story Structure - Part One

noreply@blogger.com (Lydia Sharp) — Thu, 19 Jan 2012 11:00:00 +0000

One way to look at a story's structure is like a mirror placed at the midpoint that displays the first half in the reflection, which creates the second half. Everything you have in place from the opening to the midpoint should have a partner that evenly matches up to it from the midpoint to the ending.

Rather than look at your structural points in one long list from start to finish, take your outline and tear it in half, then flip the second half upside down and set it next to the first half, side by side. Like this:

Opening                            Closing

Set-up Grand Finale

Catalyst                             Break Into Three

Debate                               Dark Night of the Soul

Break Into Two                 All Is Lost

Fun & Games                   "Bad Guys" Close In

                   Midpoint

Midpoint aside (for details of what the midpoint is all about, click here), each point is paired with another point in the complementary half. The paired points are similar in nature, but also opposites. Like a reflection in the mirror.

Opening and Closing

These are the most obvious. They are at the furthest points you can go in either direction. Wherever your story starts, it must end with something significantly changed. If there isn't a clear opposite in your opening and closing, then everything in the middle is pointless. If the ending makes your story feel pointless, then your reader will feel, at the least, dissatisfied, or at the most, irate for having wasted their time.

To ensure the opening and closing "match up", take the very first page of your manuscript and the very last page and (you guessed it!) place them side by side. Is the tone of the ending opposite of the beginning? Is there a clear change in the viewpoint character's... viewpoint? Has something in the story world significantly changed?

Any of those things, among others (too many to list), can add to reader satisfaction upon finishing the story.

I've used this example before and I'm going to do it again, because it's just so perfect. Watch the opening of How to Train Your Dragon, and then watch the very end (after the climax). The similarities make it circular, satisfying, but you can also see a clear change. Not surprisingly, the story doesn't feel like a waste of time.

Set-Up and Grand Finale

Neither of these are turning points, really, but they still match up. The set-up is Act One and the grand finale is Act Three. In the set-up part of a story we are building up toward the main premise, giving all the important elements a push-start into the plot. In the grand finale all of those things are wrapped up.

Whatever is introduced in the set-up makes a final appearance in the grand finale. All the story questions are resolved here, including the main one at the climax. They are not all resolved at the same time, though. You have nearly 25% of the story's total "page time" to wrap up each individual thread in natural succession.

You have the same amount of page time for the set-up as well, but Act One is tricky. The set-up encompasses the entire first act, including the catalyst and debate. It overlaps them. And I know that might be confusing, so just look at it this way: every can of worms you open in Act One must be collected and re-sealed by the close of Act Three.

Catalyst and Break Into Three

Both of these points are attached to a major decision made by the protagonist. The catalyst comes right before a major decision, and the break into the third act comes right after a major decision. So in that sense, these are both major transitional points in the overall story arc.

And they are completely opposite.

The catalyst is usually something largely out of the protagonist's control that inevitably forces them into making the decision that pushes them headfirst your premise (detailed explanation of that can be found here). The break into act three is a result of the protagonist's choice to fix everything, no matter what the cost.

In the first half the protagonist feels more like they are being pushed around at something or someone else's will, not their own. They are still proactive, making decisions, but they are ultimately not in this situation by choice. In the second half the protagonist owns up to everything that's happened so far and determines how to settle it "once and for all."

If you view these two points in terms of opposing viewpoints from the protagonist toward their situation, the importance of these points in the story will be easier to clarify.

A good example of this is in Lauren Oliver's Before I Fall. At the catalyst Sam realizes she is not only alive (after dying the night before), but she is also reliving the same day as yesterday. This pushes her toward the main premise without much choice on her part.

At the break into act three, Sam makes a firm decision to do what she feels will break the curse. Nothing happens by chance here. All the cards have been dealt and she determines how to play her hand.

Next Wednesday we'll cover the remaining three pairs of opposites. If you have any questions about the points in today's post, please feel free to ask in the comment section below.

Happy writing,
~Lydia

Fresh Baked Books - Week Three

noreply@blogger.com (Lydia Sharp) — Mon, 16 Jan 2012 11:00:00 +0000

Welcome to Fresh Baked Books, a weekly feature meant to encourage reading and trying new things.

At the beginning of each week I'll post the new releases in YA lit along with a baking recipe. If you would like to be included in the post the following week, email me by Saturday night. Send a brief review (no more than a paragraph for each) of what you read and/or baked. Photos are welcome, but not required. If you would rather not review a book, simply tell me what book/s you read.

If you participate one week you are not obligated to do so the next week. Just jump in whenever you can. I'll be playing along from week to week, too!

_____

Lydia's Book Review:

Last week I read Ditched by Robin Mellom, a contemporary romantic comedy of errors. I had expectations of The Funny with this one, but what I got was a good dose of The Hilarious. This book is everything I love about romantic comedies, which often disappoint, tending to be neither romantic nor comedic. The romance in Ditched is quite swoon-worthy (two words: toe dip), and the comedy is so well done that I seriously canNOT wait for this author's next book (two words: Mike and Other Mike).

Ditched takes you on a wild ride through the disastrous events of Justina's prom night. The entire book takes place in one night, and believe me, that's enough. The poor girl doesn't catch a break, being slammed from one horrid thing right into the next, until she ends up ditched... no, literally, dumped in a ditch on the side of the road. And that's in chapter one. She then recounts the tale to a couple of women at a mini-mart in the wee hours of the morning, using the stains on her dress as an introduction to each consecutive event. I absolutely loved this part of the book. It made for a quick, edge-of-your-seat read, because you just HAVE TO KNOW how she got that next stain!

Highly highly highly recommended times infinity, especially if you like teen romantic comedy. I would LOVE to see this book as a movie.

Lydia's Recipe Review:

Last week's recipe of Cherry Nut Coffee Cake is seriously to die for! Delicious, easy, and did I mention delicious? The only thing I can fault on this one is that the prep time seemed to take forever, and then it had to bake for nearly an hour. But that's just me being impatient. I may or may not have eaten some of the cake batter to hold me over... *zips lips*

_____

Releases This Week In YA

Contemporary:

GETTING SOMEWHERE by Beth Neff
tags: juvenile detention, law & crime, interpersonal relationships

IN DARKNESS by Nick Lake
tags: gangs, violence, death & dying, Haiti

LOVETORN by Kavita Daswani
tags: love & romance, India, emigration/immigration

me @ you . com by K.E. Payne
tags: love & romance, friendship, lgbt

NEVER EIGHTEEN by Megan Bostic
tags: death & dying, illness, love & romance

TRY NOT TO BREATHE by Jennifer R. Hubbard
tags: suicide, family, dating, mental illness

Science Fiction & Fantasy:

FRACTURE by Megan Miranda
tags: supernatural, death & dying, love & romance

HALFLINGS by Heather Burch
tags: paranormal, love & romance

HALLOWED by Cynthia Hand
tags: paranormal, visions, love & romance

STOLEN AWAY by Alyxandra Harvey
tags: paranormal, love & romance, fairies

TEMPEST by Julie Cross
tags: time travel, spies

TRUTH by Julia Karr
tags: family, girls & women, dystopian

Historical Fiction:

AMANDA/MIRANDA by Richard Peck (reissue)
tags: Titanic, survival

_____

Recipe: Cheesy Jalapeño Corn Muffins from Pillsbury*

INGREDIENTS:

Crisco® Original No-Stick Cooking Spray
1 cup Pillsbury BEST® All Purpose Flour
1 cup yellow corn meal
2 tablespoons sugar
2 1/2 teaspoons baking powder
3/4 teaspoon salt
1 cup buttermilk
1/2 cup Crisco® Pure Canola Oil
2 large eggs, lightly beaten
1 (4 oz.) can chopped green chilies, well drained
OR 1 fresh jalapeños, finely chopped
1 1/2 cups shredded Cheddar cheese, divided

DIRECTIONS:

HEAT oven to 400ºF. Coat 12 muffin cups with no-stick cooking spray.
COMBINE flour, cornmeal, sugar, baking powder and salt in large bowl. Stir together buttermilk, oil, eggs and chilies in medium bowl. Add to dry ingredients. Stir to combine. Stir in 1 cup cheese. Spoon evenly into prepared muffin cups.
BAKE 15 to 20 minutes or until toothpick inserted in center comes out clean. Remove from oven and immediately sprinkle with remaining 1/2 cup cheese. Cool 5 minutes on wire rack. Remove muffins from pan. Serve warm.

*I do not claim ownership of this recipe

Happy reading and baking!
~Lydia

Author Influences - Edgar Allen Poe

noreply@blogger.com (Lydia Sharp) — Sun, 15 Jan 2012 19:00:00 +0000

One of my most favorite authors as a teenager, when I really started taking writing seriously, was Edgar Allen Poe. (notice I said writing, not publishing. I never considered getting anything published until well into my adult years) My favorite poem of his was/is "The Raven" and my favorite short story was/is "The Cask of Amontillado." I have yet to read all of his works, though. It's on my bucket list.

The below quote pretty much sums up how I feel every time I sit down to write a story.

Does anyone else here count Edgar Allen Poe as one of their "author influences"?

~Lydia

Friday Query Critique

noreply@blogger.com (Lydia Sharp) — Fri, 13 Jan 2012 11:00:00 +0000

Just a friendly reminder: If you're participating in Fresh Baked Books this week, please email your entry (book/s read and/or baking adventures) no later than Saturday night. Review of books is optional. If you don't want to review, just let us know which books you read. Thanks!

_____

If you would like to offer your query for public critique, send it to lydiasharp4sff (at) yahoo (dot) com and put "query critique" somewhere in the subject line.

You may email your query at any time and I will send you a confirmation of receipt.

One to three critiques will be posted each Friday, depending on my workload. Queries are posted anonymous. I may choose to keep your critique private through email (if I do, I will tell you why).

Queries can be for novels of any genre, but my specialty areas are science fiction, fantasy, and young adult fiction (contemporary of any type, science fiction, fantasy).

_____

Query

Dear Agent/Publisher’s Name:

After a trip to his parents’ graves, seventeen-year old David Heiland discovers something bizarre and unusual: he can suddenly make himself invisible to animals. If that isn’t freaky enough, a mysterious letter from his dead mother, and a stranger dressed like an actor from a Renaissance Faire, appear at his mansion, both foretelling his doom and the urgent need for his protection. On his pursuit of the truth, David and his best friend, Charlotte, are kidnapped and thrust into a magical world hanging on the brink of war. Their only chance to return to their home in Havendale, Tennessee, is if David accepts what and who he is – a paladin chosen two hundred years ago to protect the realm from complete annihilation by a vengeful dragon…a dragon that already poked a hole once in David’s world and is not afraid to do it again.

IN THE SHADOW OF THE DRAGON KING is an 85.000 word young adult high fantasy novel that should appeal to fans of Christopher Paolini’s Eragon series and Anne McCaffrey’s The Dragons of Pern. It is the first in a three-part saga.

[bio redacted]

Thank you for your generous time. I look forward to hearing from you.

Lydia's Comments

Dear Agent/Publisher’s Name:

After a trip to his parents’ graves, seventeen-year old David Heiland discovers something bizarre and unusual: he can suddenly make himself invisible to animals. {Feels like you're missing something vital here. This is bizarre and unusual so I'd like at least a hint as to how he discovered this. Is the cemetery full of animals? Do you just mean birds in the trees? Someone's pet dog? And since an animal can't say, "hey, where'd you go?" then I'm confused as to how he knows he is invisible to them. Just animals? Not humans? It's intriguing, but I think it would be more enticing if it weren't quite so blunt, out of the blue.} If that isn’t freaky enough, {This isn't an effective segue.} a mysterious letter from his dead mother, and a stranger dressed like an actor from a Renaissance Faire, appear at his mansion, both foretelling his doom {I'd prefer something more specific. This could mean anything.} and the urgent need for his protection. {I'd break here and start a new paragraph.} On his pursuit of the truth, David ~~and his best friend, Charlotte,~~ {This is the only place Charlotte is mentioned, so she means little to the pitch. No need to waste words on her.} are kidnapped and thrust into a magical world hanging on the brink of war. Their only chance to return ~~to their~~ home ~~in Havendale, Tennessee,~~ {unnecessary detail} is if David accepts what and who he is – a paladin chosen two hundred years ago to protect the realm from complete annihilation by a vengeful dragon…a dragon that already poked a hole once in David’s world and is not afraid to do it again.

The final sentence fell flat because I don't know what "poked a hole once in David's world" is referring to. It left me more confused than intrigued.

IN THE SHADOW OF THE DRAGON KING is an 85.000 word young adult high fantasy novel that should appeal to fans of Christopher Paolini’s Eragon series and Anne McCaffrey’s The Dragons of Pern. It is the first in a three-part saga. {This paragraph is good.}

Based on your title I assume the dragon is very important to the story, but it is only mentioned in the final sentence of the pitch. I would give the dragon more importance in the query. As is, its presence feels only nominally significant.

[bio redacted] {Your bio has a good foundation, but it could use some specifics. i.e. name of the writers' group, titles of published stories, etc.}

Thank you for your generous time. I look forward to hearing from you.

This query has a typical case of "fantasy fatigue." There are too many things going on, and none of them are clear enough to grasp, so it feels like the pitch is all over the place. A reader will get mentally fatigued trying to make sense of it (and I see this most often with fantasy novels).

Here is a list of all the story elements I found in the above pitch.

1. David's parents are dead. He visits their graves.

2. David can make himself invisible to animals. We don't know how or why this is possible, or how he even knows, or, most importantly, why this is significant to the story. It is mentioned once and then forgotten.

3. A mysterious letter is delivered, supposedly from David's dead mother, along with a strange man in costume. We don't know how that is possible, or what the letter says (other than a generic "doom and gloom"), or how this connects to anything else in the story.

4. Strange man in costume needs David's help. We don't know what kind of help he thinks David can give.

5. David pursues truth. We don't know what this is specifically referring to. His invisibility to animals? The mysterious letter? The weirdo who's begging for help?

6. David is kidnapped and whisked away into a magical war-torn world. We don't know who kidnaps him, how he gets there, or what happened to the guy who a moment ago so desperately needed his help. We also don't know how this relates to anything else, so what is likely an intense event in the novel has just lost its intended impact.

7. The only way for David to escape is to accept who and what he is. This makes no sense because it hasn't been properly set up in the sentences preceding it.

8. David is "a paladin chosen two hundred years ago to protect the realm from complete annihilation by a vengeful dragon." We can't grasp this because it doesn't fully connect with anything presented thus far.

9. The dragon already did something horrible in David's world and is threatening to do it again. We don't know what this horrible thing is so we can't truly be worried over it. Again, not properly set up so it falls flat and confuses.

That is a lot crammed into a single paragraph. The key is to make the events feel like they naturally connect, and that's where the query is falling short. Nothing feels relevant to anything else. We can guess how some of it connects, but guessing is frustrating. Lead us down a clear path. Focus on a single, smooth plot thread (the main one of the story), and snip away the frayed edges (extraneous story elements).

Thanks for offering your query for public critique, and good luck with this!

Does anyone else have any suggestions for our brave writer-friend?

~Lydia

Positive and Negative Effects of eReading

noreply@blogger.com (Lydia Sharp) — Wed, 11 Jan 2012 15:00:00 +0000

A few months ago The Hubby got me a surprise gift. A Kindle. I'd been saying I wanted one for most of 2011, never thinking I'd actually get one. And I was okay with not having one, really, I just thought it'd be nice to have if we could ever afford it. But Joe is sneaky about saving cash sometimes. Completely out of the blue one day, I sit down to write and there is a Kindle-sized box from Amazon resting on my laptop.

I was literally speechless. And frozen. I just stared at him all wide-eyed and jaw-dropping. My reaction was so cliche' Hallmark commercial I wanted to slap myself. He found this quite hilarious. Once I got over the shock and he got over the giggles, I ripped open the box, scanned through the instruction manual, and then immediately started downloading books.

Ever since then, I've noticed my reading habits and preferences have changed. And we're only talking a few months here. No more than three, to be exact. It's that quick. Most of these changes are positive. Some aren't so positive... but I don't think the not-so positive effects are earth-shatteringly negative, either.

Here are my observations.

I read faster on my Kindle. It took me a while to figure out why this is true, and I'm still not 100% certain that the following explanation is the only reason, but it does make a huge difference.

On my Kindle I can adjust the text and line-spacing to whatever feels the most comfortable for my eyes. I can't do this with a print book-- you get whatever the publisher gave you. Maybe I'm just a picky reader, but if the text is too squished, or too small, it greatly affects my enjoyment of the book regardless of the content. I will keep reading a good book, even if the text is bothering me. But it will take me much longer to finish it because I have to keep stopping to rest my eyes.

When you set your personal preferences for text size and line spacing, that becomes the default, and every book you download will automatically be displayed with your set preference. So in this way, an e-reader puts every book on equal starting ground. You don't get distracted by things like varying fonts, and whether or not you like the brightness, texture, etc. of the paper. I hadn't realized how much those things affected my enjoyment of print books until I tried something else.

And if you have a basic Kindle like I do, without the option for color graphics, book covers don't sway you into reading something you don't really care for. When browsing on my Kindle, I rely mostly on titles and blurbs to "sell" me the book. So if every book is presented equally, then you are better able to judge a book by its most important factor-- the content. The story. The author's individual style of word usage. Etc.

This is extremely helpful for someone like me who has a never-ending list of books to read by yesterday. And Kindle even takes this a step further into awesomeness with the "try a sample" feature. When I'm interested in reading a book, I download the sample first. Samples always start at the beginning, and run anywhere from 1-5 chapters in length. That's usually more than enough for me to make a decision on whether or not to keep reading.

If the book doesn't grab me, in some way, by the end of the sample, then I take it off my to-read list. Period. No regrets.
If I'm still on the fence about the book after reading the sample, then I'll reserve a copy at my library. But you might be surprised by how many samples I don't even finish before deciding the book is or isn't for me.
If I'm totally hooked by the sample, then I'll either download the rest of the book immediately or, more likely, reserve a copy at my library. I wish I could buy everything, I really do.

Doing this, and reading faster, has greatly improved the manageability of my reading pile. This fact alone, in my opinion, makes investing in an e-reader well worth it. Especially if you're a busy writer. A writer is first a reader, and the easier/ more quickly/ more efficiently you can read MORE BOOKS will definitely aid your career.

This isn't to say that I don't like reading print books anymore. I still have an ever-present stack of books to read that I've checked out from the library, plus books that I purchased, for whatever reason, and just haven't made time to read yet. But I have sort of been ruined to them.

I used to go to the library (and to the bookstore, back when we had one... damn you, Borders, for going out of business) and browse shelves with the intent of making a decision on whether or not to take the books home with me. I still do this, but it's difficult for me now.

The reason? I've gotten so used to reading on a device set to my personal preferences that it has spoiled me. I'm much more sensitive to print and paper that doesn't feel quite right to my eyes. And knowing this, I'd rather not allow it to affect what books I read, because I could be missing out on something fabulous... just because I didn't like the font size and spacing? No, that doesn't seem fair.

Sometimes I will browse library shelves, just for the nostalgia of it. Like a spectator at a museum. Every so often, I will see a book I hadn't found online or on my Kindle and like it enough to check out. That is extremely rare these days, though, because I do most of my browsing and decision-making at home, only setting foot in the library to pick up what I'd reserved through my online account, or drop-off what I've finished.

Although, that's not entirely true, either, simply because my local library is quite amazing, and sometimes I go there just to read in the Reading Room of Awesome (one of many in the building, but this one is my favorite). It has floor-to-ceiling windows overlooking the woods, thickly cushioned lounge chairs each with their own side table and footstool, and (especially awesome in winter) a hugely giant double-sided fireplace.

I swear, one of these days, I'm going to do a special blog post just about my library. The paragraph above doesn't even begin to relay how totally fabulous it is.

*ahem* Where was I?

Reading on my Kindle has fed my impatient nature. This is not entirely a bad thing, but also not entirely good. I like to read new books as soon as they are released. With a Kindle, if I purchase the book, I can do that. But 9 times out of 10 I can't purchase the book. And even though my library is really great about acquiring new books as soon as they release, and even if I reserve a copy as soon as it's released, I still have to wait for the library to get their copy.

And I'm not always the first in line for the reserved copies. More torturous waiting.

In the days before my Kindle, I thought nothing of having to wait weeks for a library copy, especially if it was an in-demand book. Now I will (sometimes) drop ten bucks just so I can READ IT NOW.

Which is another problem that isn't entirely a problem. With my Kindle, I'm buying more books. This is good for me (I don't have to wait), good for the industry (sales are sales, no matter the format), but not-so great for my bank account.

But I suppose I can add one more positive to this discussion before turning it over to all of you. Having an e-reader is a constant lesson in financial responsibility. If you're as broke as I am and you read as much as I do, every purchase versus non-purchase has to be well-thought-out. Ten bucks (new release!) plus five bucks plus three bucks (special promotion!) plus ninety-nine cents plus another ten bucks (another new release!) adds up quickly. Even the cheap books can pile up and do damage if you're not paying attention.

The bottom line here? I'm extremely happy with my e-reader, and I still read print books. It's nice to have a choice. It's nice to have an efficient system for whittling down my reading pile. And it's nice to be able to support my fellow authors by reading more and buying more.

Has anyone else noticed a change in their reading habits, either positive or negative or a mixture of both, since acquiring an e-reader?

~Lydia

Fresh Baked Books - Week Two

noreply@blogger.com (Lydia Sharp) — Mon, 09 Jan 2012 12:00:00 +0000

Welcome to Fresh Baked Books, a weekly feature meant to encourage reading and trying new things.

At the beginning of each week I'll post the new releases in YA lit along with a baking recipe. If you would like to be included in the post the following week, email me by Saturday night. Send a brief review (no more than a paragraph for each) of what you read and/or baked. Photos are welcome, but not required. If you would rather not review a book, simply tell me what book/s you read.

If you participate one week you are not obligated to do so the next week. Just jump in whenever you can. I'll be playing along from week to week, too!

_____

Lydia's Book Review:

Last week I read Cinder by Marissa Meyer. This is the first in a series called the Lunar Chronicles, and I'm highly anticipating the next release. Cinder is a retelling of Cinderella in a sci-fi world. I simply adored it. The world-building was very well done, which is something I tend to be picky about in sf/f. The retelling of Cinderella had just enough elements of the familiar tale that I could recognize it as a foundation, but Cinder's story is definitely unique. For one, she's a cyborg. The New Beijing setting is not typical either. There's also this rampant, incurable plague that kills you within days of acquiring it, and a colony of humans living on the moon, called Lunars, who have certain... evolved talents. If you're getting a bit tired of dystopian SF (like I am-- sorry but it's being overproduced lately in a manner akin to vampires in paranormal fantasy), the classic SF style of this novel is quite refreshing.

Lydia's Recipe Review:

As for the recipe posted last week, I wish I could say I loved it as much as the novel. But alas, it wasn't meant to be. I don't know if I did something wrong-- that's very possible-- but the texture and flavor of the final product was nothing short of a mess. I took one bite and the rest of the pan sat untouched until I finally tossed it yesterday morning. It was too crumbly, and the coffee made it bitter. The glaze turned out fabulous... but it's hard to mess up a basic glaze so that isn't saying much.

Recipe Review from D.B. Smyth:

Using Betty's recipe as a skeleton, I switched out the Bisquick Mix for the gluten-free version, replaced the raisins with chocolate chips, nixed the nuts (allergies, le sigh), and skipped the coffee (I think I'm one of the few in this world that doesn't even like the smell). The hubbs LOVED these. I think he's working his way through the entire pan as I type. It's a really great flavor, but very rich!

_____

Releases This Week In YA

Contemporary:

DITCHED: A LOVE STORY by Robin Mellom
tags: dating, prom, humor

FIRST DATE by Krista McGee
tags: orphans, reality TV, religion

THE FAULT IN OUR STARS by John Green
tags: death & dying, illness, love & romance, self-esteem

Science Fiction & Fantasy:

A MILLION SUNS by Beth Revis
tags: survival, action/adventure, love & romance

FANGTASTIC by Lucienne Diver
tags: vampires, spies

JESSICA RULES THE DARK SIDE by Beth Fantaskey
tags: paranormal, vampires, royalty, love & romance

REVEALING EDEN by Victoria Foyt
tags: post-apocalyptic

SHADOW'S EDGE by Maureen Lipinski
tags: high school, magic

THE FIRES OF NEW SUN by Michael Kinch
tags: dystopian, survival

THE GATHERING STORM by Robin Bridges
tags: supernatural, historical Europe, royalty, love & romance

_____

Recipe: Cherry Nut Coffee Cake from Pillsbury *

INGREDIENTS

Cake:

3/4 cup Crisco® Butter Shortening
OR 3/4 stick Crisco® Butter Flavor All-Vegetable Shortening Sticks
1 1/4 cups sugar
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
3 large eggs, lightly beaten
3 cups Pillsbury BEST® All Purpose Flour
1 1/2 teaspoons baking soda
1 teaspoon salt
1 1/2 cups sour cream
1 (21 oz.) can cherry pie filling

Topping:

1/3 cup sugar
1/4 cup Pillsbury BEST® All Purpose Flour
1/4 cup Crisco® Butter Shortening
OR 1/4 stick Crisco® Butter Flavor All-Vegetable Shortening Sticks
1/2 cup sliced almonds, or other chopped nuts

Glaze:

1 cup powdered sugar
1/2 teaspoon almond extract
Milk

DIRECTIONS

HEAT oven to 350°F. Spray 13 x 9-inch pan with no-stick cooking spray.
BEAT 3/4 cup shortening, 1 1/4 cups sugar and vanilla in large bowl using an electric mixer; add eggs, beat well.
COMBINE 3 cups flour, baking soda and salt in medium bowl; add to shortening mixture alternately with sour cream. Spread half the batter in prepared pan. Cover with half of cherry pie filling, spreading as evenly as possible. Repeat layers.
COMBINE 1/3 cup sugar and 1/4 cup flour; mix in 1/4 cup shortening until mixture resembles coarse crumbs. Sprinkle over cake batter. Sprinkle with nuts.
BAKE 50 minutes or until top is brown and wooden pick inserted in center comes out clean. Cool until slightly warm or to room temperature.
ADD enough milk (about 1 tablespoon) to powdered sugar to make desired consistency. Stir in almond extract. Drizzle over cake.

*I do not claim ownership of this recipe.

Happy reading and baking!
~Lydia

Friday Query Critique

noreply@blogger.com (Lydia Sharp) — Fri, 06 Jan 2012 11:00:00 +0000

Just a friendly reminder: If you're participating in Fresh Baked Books this week, please email your entry (book/s read and/or baking adventures) no later than Saturday night. Lydia's email address is on the "about & contact" page. Review of books is optional. If you don't want to review, just let us know which books you read. Thanks!

_____

If you would like to offer your query for public critique, send it to lydiasharp4sff (at) yahoo (dot) com and put "query critique" somewhere in the subject line.

You may email your query at any time and I will send you a confirmation of receipt.

One to three critiques will be posted each Friday, depending on my workload. Queries are posted anonymous. I may choose to keep your critique private through email (if I do, I will tell you why).

Queries can be for novels of any genre, but my specialty areas are science fiction, fantasy, and young adult fiction (contemporary of any type, science fiction, fantasy).

Query

Dear Ms. Agent,

Books and fairy tales have always been a refuge for nineteen year old albino Ansel Whitetree. That is, until a genuine damsel in distress shows up on his doorstep and the line between real life and storybook suddenly gets blurred. Moved to help the runaway girl, whom he nicknames Catskin, Ansel offers her refuge. Prone to panic attacks and acts of defensive violence, Catskin is as dangerous as she is fragile. But with the help of Ansel and his family, she slowly begins to regain control of her fears and lingering insecurities. As Catskin’s strength grows, so does the attraction she and Ansel share.

But when Catskin refuses to talk about what happened to her, a desperate Ansel goes behind her back to learn the truth and discovers that the monsters of Catkin’s past are not what he expected. Then an accident leaves Catskin hovering between life and death, and Ansel faces unexpected choices. By contacting Catskin’s estranged family, he unwittingly provokes a violent collision between the world Catskin was born to, and the one she now shares with Ansel. In the struggle that follows, Ansel learns that sometimes, you have to make your own happily ever afters.

A lyrical contemporary YA inspired by the fairy tale ‘Catskin’ AMAROK AND THE GONE MISSING GIRL is complete at 104,000 words. It will appeal to fans of The Wolves of Mercy Falls trilogy.

[bio redacted]

Thank you for your time and attention. I look forward to hearing from you.

Lydia's Comments

Dear Ms. Agent,

Books and fairy tales have always been a refuge {How so?} for nineteen year old albino Ansel Whitetree. That is, until a genuine damsel in distress shows up on his doorstep ~~and the line between real life and storybook suddenly gets blurred~~. Moved to help the runaway girl, whom he nicknames Catskin, {Does she not have a name of her own?} Ansel offers her refuge. {repetitive. Can you use a different word here?} Prone to panic attacks and acts of defensive violence, Catskin is as dangerous as she is fragile. ~~But with the help of Ansel and his family, she slowly begins to regain control of her fears and lingering insecurities. As Catskin’s strength grows, so does the attraction she and Ansel share.~~

At this point I'm wondering why Ansel and his family are caring for her instead of trying to find her family, or take her to a hospital/mental health facility, etc. If there are adults involved in this "rescue mission" (Ansel's parents?), I am now questioning their ethics.

I also don't understand the storybook element. You started with it, so I assumed it's important. But then it disappeared. It doesn't feel important anymore. Why is your first sentence about how Ansel needs to seek refuge in storybooks if it isn't vital to the rest of the pitch?

Third, I cut a lot from the end of the first paragraph because you interrupted the plot flow with what I'm assuming is a subplot. No room for subplots in a query, especially if you only touch on them in a single sentence and then move on. The first sentence of paragraph two now connects with the "new" last sentence in paragraph one (after my cut). Keep the pitch fluid, no unnecessary interruptions.

~~But~~ when Catskin refuses to talk about what happened to her, ~~a desperate~~ Ansel goes behind her back to learn the truth and discovers that the monsters of Catkin’s past are not what he expected. {This tells me nothing. Be specific.} Then an accident leaves Catskin hovering between life and death, ~~and Ansel faces unexpected choices~~. By contacting Catskin’s estranged family, he unwittingly provokes a violent collision between the world Catskin was born to, and the one she now shares with Ansel. In the struggle that follows, {again, too vague.} Ansel learns that sometimes, you have to make your own happily ever afters. {I'm not a fan of ending on something that the character learns through the course of the story. It deflates the tension.}

A lyrical contemporary YA inspired by the fairy tale ‘Catskin’ AMAROK {Who? Why is this the first time I'm seeing a name that is important enough to be in the title? This makes me think the pitch is missing something vital.} AND THE GONE MISSING GIRL is complete at 104,000 words. It will appeal to fans of The Wolves of Mercy Falls trilogy.{I'm not usually one to nitpick on word count, but being a YA contemp novel, I would suggest bringing that final wc closer to 90K, if possible. At the very least, bring it under 100K.}

[bio redacted]

Your bio was well written.

Thank you for your time and attention. I look forward to hearing from you.

Overall, this query is not doing your story justice. There are too many words that are doing too little work. The pitch lacks a needed sense of urgency because it's too vague at the end. I'm also wondering if you perhaps have traveled too far into the story with your second paragraph, thus leaving no room to clarify the important points.

It's a delicate balance. You want to start the query at the first major point of change and end at the first major point of decision. No further.

I would scrap the very first sentence and start with something more enticing, since the storybook element is not mentioned anywhere else (except the "happily ever after" phrase at the end, but I'm suggesting you cut that line, too). It doesn't connect to anything; it's a frayed edge. Cut it loose. Rewrite.

End on something more intense, like Ansel's Big Touch Decision on whether or not he should contact Catskin's family. What are the consequences if he does? If he doesn't? The final words in the pitch should have an electric urgency.

Thank you so much for offering your query for public critique, and good luck!

Does anyone else have any suggestions for our brave writer-friend?

~Lydia

Back to Basics: Every Scene Must Have Conflict

noreply@blogger.com (Lydia Sharp) — Wed, 04 Jan 2012 14:00:00 +0000

Whether you're new to writing or an established veteran, it's always good to refresh yourself on the basics from time to time. And yes, I mean me, too. I recently came across some advice on conflict that, even though I'd heard it a gasquillion times before, was very eye-opening, like it was brand-spanking-new to me.

Every scene must have conflict.

Simple, I know. But not really. First let's break that down into its fundamental parts.

Every = no exclusions. Every scene in your story, no matter how lengthy or short, has to have some kind of conflict.

Scene = anything between scene breaks or chapter breaks. Even if that scene/chapter is only half a page long.

Must have = (again) no exclusions. Repetition for emphasis.

Conflict = internal or external hindrance to a goal

Based on the definition of conflict, then, you can reasonably assume that every scene must also have a goal. Without a goal, conflict is not possible.

Conflict is what keeps the tension high and keeps the reader engaged, so if conflict is not possible without a scene goal (or a story goal overall), then we can rightly say that you must start each scene with a goal in mind.

I admit, when I first started writing "professionally" I didn't understand what it meant to have a goal for each scene. (I also didn't fully understand the idea of conflict. Not surprisingly, the two go hand in hand.) When I read about giving your scenes a specific starting goal, I thought that meant you had to spell out the goal for the reader.

But doing that doesn't give your reader the intellectual credit they deserve, and starting every new scene with something akin to "I need to get to the post office before they close or this very important package will be late, creating a maelstrom of devastating consequences" doesn't make for very good reading, either.

Scene goals should be fluid, seamless, to the story already in progress. In fact, your reader shouldn't even notice them as specific, laid out goals half the time. What they will notice, if the scene goal is presented well, is the conflict. The reader will have a sense of "this needs to be done, but this other thing is preventing it, oh crap." And that's what you want.

The audience is made aware of the goal because of the obvious push of whatever is trying to stop it. Not because you, the author, have spelled out the goal for them on the page. When the reader feels the conflict more than the goal, they will root for the success of that goal without even really thinking about it. It's a survival instinct. We want the good guy to win. We want the problem to be solved. We want the conflict to be overcome.

That isn't to say that goals should be invisible. Some of them, such as the goal of the main plot, should be very blatant. But that is an overarching goal that covers the length of a story. When you narrow things down to the scene level, it becomes more subtle.

And that's why it's more difficult.

I've seen the following example used on writing blogs to the point of wanting to shoot my own eyes out. Even veteran authors and editors have used it. Why? Because it's basic, and teaching at the basic level usually gets results. But in my opinion, they've created more confusion, or worse, an illusion of understanding. Beginners, especially, now think that they have to write their scenes with a basic format like this:

Bob walks into his boss' office with the intent of asking for a raise.
His boss tells him he can have the raise after he proves his worth on the newest company project.
Bob leaves the office with a new goal (ensuring the success of the project) because doing so will help him reach his original goal (getting a raise).

It's a good foundation on which to build conflict. But it's not in story form, so when referring to an example like this we miss a LOT of what is essential in making it work-- the delivery.

A good delivery involves multiple layers of conflict and shifting scene goals.

I recently read the most perfect example of effectively presenting scene goals and conflicts in the opening chapters of EVERYTHING YOU NEED TO SURVIVE THE APOCALYPSE by Lucas Klauss. If you'd like to follow along, click here to view the sample chapters.

In chapter one, the conflict is immediate. The first three lines are a repetition of the word "ow." Pain is an effective inner and outer conflict because the goal is so simple-- get rid of the pain. Human nature makes us want the pain to be gone, no matter where it came from or who is feeling it. By the end of page one we understand where the pain is being felt and why. This helps us figure out how the viewpoint character can possibly overcome the conflict.

And there you have it. A scene goal and immediate conflict right in the reader's face by the end of the first page.

As the chapter rolls on, however, we're introduced to yet another conflict-- Ferret, the track coach. He isn't very well liked, especially if it appears that you are just standing around, even if you're not moving because you're injured.

So the scene goal has just shifted, made clear by the new conflict. Now the viewpoint character needs to somehow avoid the wrath of his unreasonable coach. This leaks into the next chapter by way of a cliffhanger ending of the first chapter. Someone does catch up to him, but it isn't who he was expecting. Is this person better or worse? We aren't sure, so we keep reading.

Chapter two begins with a new scene goal, (again) made clear by conflict. Our brave pain-fighting hero from chapter one has now become a blubbering idiot in the presence of a girl. He wants to appear cool and confident, but his track record isn't so great. He somehow manages to get the girl to laugh, but internally he's dying of awkwardness and wants to get away.

And just as that conflict is now seemingly evaded, the next is riding hot on its heels. The coach is approaching, and Phillip has clearly been not running like he's supposed to be for a good stretch of time. The scene goal shifts, made clear by the conflict. He now has to face his unreasonable coach with this girl still hovering close by, making him feel all self-conscious. This multi-layered conflict, both internal and external, makes chapter two an even better read than chapter one.

It continues in the same manner from there, chapter after chapter of shifting scene goals and facing new conflict. That's how you keep readers reading. Without conflict, there is no sense of urgency, no tension. Without a scene goal, you have no conflict. But it all has to feel seamless, natural, as you're reading the story.

So when you see the advice "every scene must have conflict", it doesn't necessarily mean that every scene must be a life or death situation, or even feel like a life or death situation. Conflict comes in many forms and different levels of intensity. What you use and how you use it will depend on the individual needs of your story.

The best thing you can do to see what is appropriate for you is to read novels that are similar in genre, style, and scope to yours. Analyze how the author balances between scene goals and new conflicts. Apply the techniques you think work best.

Happy writing,
~Lydia

Fresh Baked Books - Week One

noreply@blogger.com (Lydia Sharp) — Mon, 02 Jan 2012 05:00:00 +0000

Welcome to Fresh Baked Books, a weekly feature meant to encourage reading and trying new things.

At the beginning of each week I'll post the new releases in YA lit along with a baking recipe. If you would like to be included in the post the following week, tell me in the comments which book/s you will read this week and/or if you're going to try out the posted recipe.

You can do one or the other, or both. All I ask for at the end of the week (by Saturday) is a brief review of what you read and/or baked, sent to my email address. Brief = a paragraph. A picture of you with the book and/or your baked goods is encouraged, but not necessary. You do NOT have to purchase a print edition-- library books and e-readers are okay!

If you participate one week you are not obligated to do so the next week. Just jump in whenever you can. If you would prefer to make your own blog post (or vlog) about your reading and baking adventures, just email me the link instead and I'll be sure to link it up here.

I'll be playing along with you from week to week, too!

Releases This Week In YA

Contemporary:

BITTERSWEET by Sarah Ockler
tags: romance, sports (ice skating), social issues

CRACKED by K.M. Walton
tags: family, dating, bullying, suicide

DON'T BREATHE A WORD by Holly Cupala
tags: romance, homelessness/poverty, runaways, self-actualization, physical/emotional abuse

EVERYTHING YOU NEED TO SURVIVE THE APOCALYPSE by Lucas Klauss
tags: religion, dating, friendship, grief

IRISES by Francisco X. Stork
tags: sisters, death, romance

LOVE? MAYBE by Heather Hepler
tags: romance, high school, marriage & divorce

PRETTY LITTLE SECRETS (anthology) by Sara Shepard
tags: romance, dating, friendship

THE INTERNATIONAL KISSING CLUB by Ivy Adams
tags: high school, foreign study, romance

THE QUEEN OF KENTUCKY by Alecia Whitaker
tags: high school, dating, farm life, friendship

THE STATISTICAL PROBABILITY OF LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT by Jennifer E. Smith
tags: fate, romance, marriage & divorce

THE STORYTELLER by Antonio Michaelis
tags: high school, mystery

WHAT BOYS REALLY WANT by Pete Hautman
tags: friendship, dating

WINTER'S KISS (two novels in one) by Jennifer Echols and Catherine Hapka
tags: romance, dating, humor

Science Fiction & Fantasy:

ALIENATION by Jon S. Lewis
tags: extraterrestrials, secret societies, action/adventure

BLOODROSE by Andrea Cremer
tags: romance, magic, werewolves

CHARMFALL by Chloe Neill
tags: magic, ghosts

CINDER by Marissa Meyer
tags: fairy tales & folklore, cyborgs, stepfamilies

DARKNESS FALLS by Cate Tiernan
tags: magic, immortality, action/adventure

DRAGONSWOOD by Janet Lee Carey
tags: dragons, fairies, magic, romance

DREAMING AWAKE by Gwen Hayes
tags: romance, magic, supernatural/paranormal

FATED by Sarah Alderson
tags: supernatural/paranormal, action/adventure, shapeshifters

RUN by James A. Moore
tags: science/technology, survival, action/adventure

SWITCHED by Amanda Hocking
tags: supernatural/paranormal, changelings, trolls, magic

THE ALCHEMY OF FOREVER by Avery Williams
tags: death, supernatural/paranormal, dating

UNDER THE NEVER SKY by Veronica Rossi
tags: romance, dystopian

UNRAVELING ISOBEL by Eileen Cook
tags: ghosts, friendship, dating, stepfamilies

Recipe: Cappuccino Bars from Betty Crocker *

Feel free to adjust the recipe to your individual needs (i.e. substitutions, nut-free).

INGREDIENTS

Bars:

1 1/2 cups Original Bisquick® mix
1 cup packed brown sugar
1/2 cup raisins (or dried fruit of choice)
1/4 cup chopped nuts
1/2 cup water
2 tablespoons instant coffee granules
2 tablespoons shortening
1/2 teaspoon ground cinnamon
1 egg

Glaze:

1 cup powdered sugar
1/4 teaspoon vanilla
1 to 2 tablespoons brewed coffee or milk

DIRECTIONS

1. Heat oven to 350°F. Grease bottom and sides of 13x9-inch pan with shortening or cooking spray; lightly flour.

2. In medium bowl, stir bar ingredients with spoon until well blended. Spread in pan.

3. Bake 20 to 25 minutes or until toothpick inserted in center comes out clean.

4. In small bowl, mix glaze ingredients until smooth and thin enough to drizzle. Drizzle glaze over warm bars. For bars, cut into 8 rows by 4 rows. Serve warm or cool.

* I do not claim ownership of this recipe.

Happy reading and baking!
~Lydia

Friday Query Critique

noreply@blogger.com (Lydia Sharp) — Fri, 30 Dec 2011 16:00:00 +0000

If you would like to offer your query for public critique, send it to lydiasharp4sff (at) yahoo (dot) com and put "query critique" somewhere in the subject line.

You may email your query at any time and I will send you a confirmation of receipt.

One to three critiques will be posted each Friday, depending on my workload. Queries are posted anonymous. I may choose to keep your critique private through email (if I do, I will tell you why).

Queries can be for novels of any genre, but my specialty areas are science fiction, fantasy, and young adult fiction (contemporary of any type, science fiction, fantasy).

_____

Query #1

Dear Agent:

Thirteen-year-old wannabe novelist Elena doesn't care about school, only her stories. It's too bad they never come true… until the day she writes that the class bully gets detention, that is. Coincidence? Elena doesn't think so after she writes that the secretary has to go to the bathroom, and then he rushes out like he's about to wet his pants. Everything she writes with her new pen comes true.

But then the pen writes a story darker than any of Elena’s about a mystical fantasy land being overrun by demons. If that isn't bad enough, a demon crosses over to Earth, kidnaps her family, and hides them in the Land of Imagining. Elena will do whatever she can to save them. Unfortunately, it's not as simple as writing a happy ending - whenever Elena uses the pen, someone turns into a demon, and she could be next.

ELENA’S PEN is a 66,000-word upper MG fantasy novel with series potential. Readers of Michael Ende's THE NEVERENDING STORY and Philip Pullman's HIS DARK MATERIALS series will enjoy my book.

[bio redacted]

Lydia's Comments

Dear Agent:

Thirteen-year-old wannabe novelist Elena doesn't care about school, only her stories. {Nice opening line. You effectively introduce the main character in a concise manner, which gives me a good starting point to understand the rest of the pitch. Personally, I prefer clarity over gimmicks.} It's too bad they never come true… until the day she writes that the class bully gets detention, that is. {This sentence isn't bad, per se, because it moves the plot forward. But the underlined wording makes it feel a bit generic, like you weren't sure how to segue into the next point.} Coincidence? Elena doesn't think so after she writes that the secretary has to go to the bathroom, and then he rushes out like he's about to wet his pants. Everything she writes with her new pen comes true.

Despite my nitpicks above, this is a really good opening paragraph. You start in the right place and end with a specific incident that thrusts the story forward.

But then the pen writes a story darker than any of Elena’s about a mystical fantasy land being overrun by demons. If that isn't bad enough, {another phrase that feels too generic to me} a demon crosses over to Earth, kidnaps her family, and hides them in the Land of Imagining. Elena will do whatever she can to save them. ~~Unfortunately,~~ but it's not as simple as writing a happy ending - whenever Elena uses the pen, someone turns into a demon, and she could be next.

Not much to nitpick on that paragraph, either. It clearly raises the stakes and the pitch ends on a Big Tough Decision.

ELENA’S PEN is a 66,000-word upper MG fantasy novel with series potential. Readers of Michael Ende's THE NEVERENDING STORY and Philip Pullman's HIS DARK MATERIALS series will enjoy my book.

That's about as perfect as you can get with this part of the query. The title has clear relevance to the pitch. The word count is in the correct range. Noting that it has "series potential" instead of saying it is "the first in a series." Citing comp titles. All of this shows you've done your homework.

{I redacted your bio to keep this anonymous, but it was very well-written. I wouldn't change a thing in that paragraph.}

Overall, this is a very good query. It reads like a cover copy. Thank you so much for offering it for public critique. Best of luck with this!

_____

Query #2

Dear Agent/Publisher Name-spelled-right,

Samantha Clark was raised by her maternal grandparents without ever having the close, loving family she desires. After her life of instability and self-loathing culminates in a self-destructive relationship with an abusive boyfriend, she flees for the relative safety of a close friend in Harlan County, Kentucky.

Although she feels at once at home with her friend’s enigmatic, much older companion Michael Devon, her friend's small reclusive group rouses Sami's suspicions, with good reason: they are all vampires. She feels at home with them because she learns she is an unawakened genetic vampire as well. As she comes to accept this new reality, she learns she must be turned or risk a lifetime of physiological and psychological difficulties which could eventually destroy her.

With the love and help of her friends and Michael—the father she hadn't known—Sami battles emotional and physical transformation which enables her to find the inner-strength to embrace who she is and the will to awaken the vampire within.

In my search for representation on my 90,000 word fantasy/paranormal novel, Midnight, I noted your submission guidelines indicating your interest in this genre.

[bio redacted]

Lydia's Comments

Dear Agent/Publisher Name-spelled-right, {ha!}

~~Samantha~~ Sami Clark {It's best to keep the name consistent. Do we need to know that Sami is short for Samantha? That's okay in the novel, but unnecessary here.} was raised by her ~~maternal~~ {again, not vital for the query that we know which set of grandparents raised her} grandparents without ever having the close, loving family she desires. After her life of instability and self-loathing culminates in a self-destructive relationship with an abusive boyfriend, she flees for the relative safety of a close friend in Harlan County, Kentucky. {The specific place doesn't mean anything to me unless I know where she's coming from. Is this a big move for her? A culture change? How is this friend, or Kentucky, "safe" for her? I'm not understanding the significance.}

Although she feels at once at home with her friend’s enigmatic, much older companion Michael Devon, her friend's small reclusive group rouses Sami's suspicions, with good reason: they are all vampires. {This sentence felt off to me. It states that these people are vampires without anything to really back it up.} She feels at home with them because she learns she is an unawakened genetic vampire as well. As she comes to accept this new reality, {I would prefer something more specific here, since this seems to be the real meat of your story. Maybe take what you have in the final paragraph, which feels kind of extraneous where you have it at the end, and weave it into this slot.} she learns she must be turned or risk a lifetime of physiological and psychological difficulties which could eventually destroy her.

With the ~~love and~~ help of her friends and Michael—the father she hadn't known—Sami battles emotional and physical transformation which enables her to find the inner-strength to embrace who she is and the will to awaken the vampire within.

In my search for representation on my 90,000 word fantasy/paranormal novel, ~~Midnight~~, MIDNIGHT, I noted your submission guidelines indicating your interest in this genre. {book titles should be in all-caps, whether it's the title of the novel you're querying or the title of a book in your publication credits.}

{As with the query posted above yours, I removed the bio to keep this anonymous, but it is well-written and I wouldn't change a thing.}

My biggest concern with this query is that it doesn't highlight anything unique about the vampire concept. I'd like to see how your story is different. With vampire novels this is especially important since the market is so saturated.

Overall, I don't think this query is giving your story the justice it deserves. The main plot line feels vague, and the points that are specific (such as the location) don't feel important enough to justify being so specific. If you can hone in on clear events and tough choices involved in her transformation, I think the pitch would be more enticing.

Thanks for sharing your query letter with us, and best of luck to you!

Does anyone else have suggestions for either of these two queries?

All the Books I Read in 2011

noreply@blogger.com (Lydia Sharp) — Thu, 29 Dec 2011 11:00:00 +0000

The official list of every book I read from cover to cover between January 1, 2011 and today. No, I didn't love all of these, but I enjoyed most of them.

There are 50+ books listed here, most are novels. If it was released in a year other than 2011 I will label it with the year.

I'm not going to link these to anything or tell you what I rated them (although the latter is easily found if you're friends with me on goodreads, just saying). My reason for listing these books is simply to share them with you.

____

Young Adult & Middle Grade Fiction

A Dance of Sisters ~ Tracey Porter (2002)
Also Known as Rowan Pohi ~ Ralph Fletcher
Anna and the French Kiss ~ Stephanie Perkins (2010)
Audition ~ Stasia Ward Kehoe
Bad Apple ~ Laura Ruby (2009)

Being ~ Kevin Brooks (2007)
Black Hole Sun ~ David Macinnis Gill (2010)
But I Love Him ~ Amanda Grace
Clean ~ Amy Reed
Crash Into Me ~ Albert Borris (2009)

Darkfall ~ Janice Hardy
Delirium ~ Lauren Oliver
Enclave ~ Ann Aguirre
Faking Faith ~ Josie Bloss
Fall for Anything ~ Courtney Summers (2010)

Getting Caught ~ Mandy Hubbard & Cyn Balog
Hushed ~ Kelley York
Invincible Summer ~ Hannah Moskowitz
It's Raining Cupcakes ~ Lisa Schroeder (2010)
Love, Love, Love ~ Deborah Reber & Caroline Goode (2010)

Matched ~ Ally Condie (2010)
Mostly Good Girls ~ Leila Sales (2010)
Possession ~ Elana Johnson
Rival ~ Sara Bennett Wealer
Shine ~ Lauren Myracle

Ship Breaker ~ Paolo Bacigalupi (2010)
Speaking Out: LGBTQ Youth Stand Up ~ anthology
The Boy Book ~ E. Lockhart (2008)
The Boyfriend List ~ E. Lockhart (2009)
The Berlin Boxing Club ~ Robert Sharenow

The Day Before ~ Lisa Schroeder
The Iron Queen ~ Julie Kagawa
The Liar Society ~ Lisa & Laura Roecker
The Near Witch ~ Victoria Schwab
The Six Rules of Maybe ~ Deb Caletti (2010)

Where I Belong ~ Gwendolyn Heasley
Wild Roses ~ Deb Caletti (2005)
Wither ~ Lauren DeStefano
Zombie Tag ~ Hannah Moskowitz

_____

Adult Fiction

Casting About ~ Terri DuLong (2010)
Everything Beautiful Began After ~ Simon Van Booy
Hating Olivia ~ Mark SaFranko (2010)
Honor the Pack ~ Kaycee A. Looney
Shadows & Light: Volume II ~ anthology

The Atlas of Love ~ Laurie Frankel (2010)
The Doctor's Lady ~ Jody Hedlund
The Kitchen Daughter ~ Jael McHenry
The One That I Want ~ Allison Winn Scotch (2010)
The Preacher's Bride ~ Jody Hedlund (2010)

_____

Nonfiction

Fragments ~ Marilyn Monroe (2010)
On Writing ~ Stephen King (2000)
Plot & Structure ~ James Scott Bell (2004)

_____

Novels I'm currently reading but may not finish by January 1, 2012:

Ash ~ Malinda Lo (2009) -- about half-way through
Forbidden ~ Tabitha Suzuma (2010) -- somewhere in the first 100 pages
Virtuosity ~ Jessica Martinez -- somewhere in the first 50 pages
The Mockingbirds ~ Daisy Whitney (2010) -- somewhere in the first 50 pages

_____

My goal for 2012 will be at least 75 books. Fifty was too easy, to be honest.

How did you all do with your 2011 reading goals?

~Lydia

2011 Was Not All Rainbows and Cupcakes

noreply@blogger.com (Lydia Sharp) — Wed, 28 Dec 2011 12:00:00 +0000

photo credit

I had a happy post planned for today, I really did. But while reflecting on events of the past year, I realized that, among the bounty of good things that happened to me in 2011, I also had some very (oh so very) low writerly points. None of you-- or maybe a select few of you who are cursed with my close friendship-- know what I'm referring to, though.

Because you only see here what I allow you to see.

I don't want this post to be a downer. That's why I usually don't talk about this stuff here. I want you to understand that 99% of the time I am genuinely happy. It isn't fake. People who know me in real life often refer to me as happy-go-lucky, eternally optimistic, I'll have what she's having...

But there is that other 1% of the time when I do have to force my ghosts back into the closet so no one knows about them. Perhaps letting them out for one post a year won't kill me.

No life is perfect. No career is perfect. No communication, especially through email, is perfectly given or received. Which means I don't know all the details of why certain things happened the way they did.

In 2011 I had three publications pending under contract and only ONE story was actually published. Two of the three contracts were written and signed. One of those still flopped, despite the legal agreement. The third was an "oral" contract that promised me, among many other things, that a written contract was on its way at such-at-such a time. I never saw it, nor did I ever hear from that publisher or editor again.

To have this happen once in a year-- or even once in a career-- is enough for some people to give up. But it happened to me twice, within only a few months of each other. Somehow I'm still kicking... and the majority of you didn't even know anything was wrong.

But 2011 wasn't done with me yet. Oh yes, there's more.

At the same time all of this was going on, I was (patiently) waiting to hear back from an agent who had one of my manuscripts. I nudged her every three months, and after each nudge I was assured that she was still interested and still reading. So I wasn't being totally ignored, as in two of the cases above, but then I'd hear nothing. By the time I finally got a solid response, it had been close to a year since I'd sent the initial query letter.

I finished another novel in the time I waited for her.

Thankfully (yes, really, THANKFULLY, guh) it was a pass from this agent. If it takes her the same amount of time to read one of my novels as it takes me to write my next one? No. We are NOT a good fit.

But still, it was discouraging. Frustrating. And so not what I needed while the other crapfest was going on.

Did I mention that, in addition to all of that, I had other stories out on submission this year that no one wanted? Yeah. There was also that.

I still had a glimmer of hope, though, when I started querying my newest novel this past fall. I kept all those ugly ghosts locked up, selectively ignoring how cramped it was getting, and pushed forward onto brighter tomorrows.

Then the rejections started pouring in. Again. But worse this time, because they were conflicting. I had some that looked like this:

I love the voice in this, but your premise isn't strong enough.

And some that looked like this:

You have a solid premise, but I'm not really connecting with the voice.

Cue ripping hair out. As much as I appreciate getting something other than form rejections, there isn't much I can do with comments like those. They cancel each other out.

But even through all of this, I still saw the good things 2011 brought me. I don't want the melodrama of this post to downplay any of that.

I was invited to regularly contribute to not one, but two new blogs this year, and I was asked to return to Writer Unboxed as an honorary contributor in 2012.

I was invited to guest blog for two novelists I personally look up to.

I was invited to be a regular panelist for a monthly writer's chat.

I surpassed my 2011 reading goal of 50 books within the year.

I finished a novel that wished me dead. (see here. and here. and I'm sure there are more of those nasty things floating about...)

{The above statement makes me break out into a cheesy grin every time I think about it, even though the stupid-shit will probably never sell. I honestly don't care at this point. It tried to get me to give up and I refused. It will forever be a finished novel now, not an I-started-this-and-couldn't-finish-it novel.}

I kept blogging and tweeting through it all (good, bad, ugly) and hit two milestones that, only a year ago, seemed unreachable-- 600 subscribers to this blog and 1000 followers on Twitter.

THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH FOR KEEPING ME GOING THIS YEAR.

I COULDN'T HAVE DONE IT WITHOUT YOU AND I KNOW THAT'S SOMETHING PEOPLE JUST SAY BUT I PROMISE I'M NOT JUST SAYING THAT I MEAN IT.

I DON'T THINK YOU ALL WILL EVER TRULY KNOW HOW MUCH YOU MEAN TO ME.

You didn't know what I was going through, what ugly ghosts I kept locking up this year, and yet you still, through your comments, your tweets, your emails, your everything, YOU WERE JUST WHAT I NEEDED TO NOT GIVE UP.

It can only get better from here. Bring on 2012.

~Lydia

Book Cover Love Special Edition - Winter Wonderland 2011/2012

noreply@blogger.com (Lydia Sharp) — Mon, 26 Dec 2011 12:00:00 +0000

The Iron Knight by Julie Kagawa

October 2011

Huntress by Malinda Lo

April 2011

How to Save a Life by Sara Zarr
October 2011

Witchlanders by Lena Coakley
August 2011

Breadcrumbs by Anne Ursu
September 2011

Winterling by Sarah Prineas
January 2012

The Gathering Storm by Robin Bridges
January 2012

Fracture by Megan Miranda
January 2012

Friday Query Critique

noreply@blogger.com (Lydia Sharp) — Fri, 23 Dec 2011 15:30:00 +0000

If you would like to offer your query for public critique, send it to lydiasharp4sff (at) yahoo (dot) com and put "query critique" somewhere in the subject line.

You may email your query at any time and I will send you a confirmation of receipt.

One to three critiques will be posted each Friday, depending on my workload. Queries are posted anonymous. I may choose to keep your critique private through email (if I do, I will tell you why).

Queries can be for novels of any genre, but my specialty areas are science fiction, fantasy, and young adult fiction (contemporary of any type, science fiction, fantasy).

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Dear Agent,

Lark Bleecker was never a big believer in fairy tales, and she never thought much about her Dutch heritage, either, but they’ve both got her attention now. As it turns out, that’s what the characters in most stories want: attention, good or bad. And if the confederacy of giants, fairies, folk heroes and minor goddesses who followed her ancestors to Warnsveld, New York three centuries ago can’t get it, they’ll settle for an exchange: human children for their own offspring. Not that they’re telling anyone, of course. Lark’s parents thought her Aunt Bette was crazy; it never occurred to them that she simply wasn’t human. Now that Lark knows the truth, she has to ask herself the tough question: is she?

WARNSVELD is an upper Middle Grade contemporary fantasy novel with series potential, complete at 78,000 words.

Lydia's Comments

Dear Agent,

Lark Bleecker was never a big believer in fairy tales, and she never thought much about her Dutch heritage, either, but they’ve both got her attention now. {I expected to see a reason for this stated immediately following. What happened? Why do they have her attention now?} As it turns out, that’s what the characters in most stories want: attention, good or bad. {I don't think this is true, so you've lost me a bit here.} And if the confederacy of giants, fairies, folk heroes and minor goddesses who followed her ancestors to Warnsveld, New York three centuries ago can’t get it, they’ll settle for an exchange: human children for their own offspring. {I'm still not understanding. What kind of attention to do they want? And how is exchanging their own children with that of humans considered a "settlement" for not getting this attention?} Not that they’re telling anyone, of course. {Then how does the MC know this?} Lark’s parents thought her Aunt Bette was crazy; it never occurred to them that she simply wasn’t human. Now that Lark knows the truth, she has to ask herself the tough question: is she? {It seems that you're implying Lark's Aunt Bette is one of these fairy tale creatures, but you didn't clarify who or what she is, so the end of this pitch falls flat to me. I don't understand the importance of her Aunt Bette in this story because this is the first time you've mentioned her.}

WARNSVELD is an upper Middle Grade contemporary fantasy novel with series potential, complete at 78,000 words.

Overall, I can see a good underlying story here, but the pitch is underdeveloped. There are a lot of points mentioned that don't seem to connect to anything-- the Dutch heritage, the exchange of children, the questionable sanity of Aunt Bette. You have room to expand the pitch a bit more and clarify the important points.

I love the fairy tale angle. If I read this on a jacket copy I would go on to read the first few pages to see if it kept my interest, just based on the fairy tale elements. But I'm unclear on what the plot is, exactly.

Answering the following questions can help you lay the groundwork for a more solid pitch.

What is the main conflict for Lark?

What must she do and/or sacrifice to resolve it?

What are the consequences if she fails?

Thank you so much for offering your query for public critique. Good luck with this!

Happy querying,

~Lydia

Tuesday Teaser (on Thursday)

noreply@blogger.com (Lydia Sharp) — Thu, 22 Dec 2011 15:30:00 +0000

I'm working on a new short story, a YA contemp romance called "Twin Sense." Here's a sniplet of what I wrote last night.
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(image is not entirely accurate to the story. but it was too cute not to use.)

The silence hugs me like an old friend. The scent of paper, leather, and glue is intoxicating. "I love it here," I say.

"I love it anywhere that I can be with you." Kevin pulls me in for a slow, sweet, slippery kiss. His hand finds the nape of my neck and the other finds the small of my back. I grab the lapels of his jacket to keep from stumbling in delirium. Whatever the scent of books didn't do, that kiss made quick work of. I feel buzzed without a drop of alcohol to blame.

Yeah. I've definitely got the better twin. Not that I've ever kissed Keith, but when he and Sherri go at it sometimes it looks like she's in need of a life preserver.

Kevin removes his tux jacket and drapes it over me.

"Thanks," I say with a loopy smile, "but I'm not shivering because I'm cold."

©2011 by Lydia Sharp

2011 Blog-Reader Favorites: What I Learned From Watching Sucker Punch

noreply@blogger.com (Lydia Sharp) — Wed, 21 Dec 2011 16:00:00 +0000

Sucker Punch was one of my favorite movies of 2011, and this post from April was a blog-reader favorite. Enjoy!

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If you have not seen Sucker Punch yet, don't worry. This post will not reveal any spoilers. But I am kind of wondering why you haven't gone to see it yet. It is one of those movies that is worth seeing in the theater. Kinda like how Avatar was. Definite eye candy.

I actually learned SO much from watching this movie (and at the same time was highly entertained) that if I go into too much detail on each point, this post will be a mile long. I'm going to be as succinct as possible. If you would like further explanation on something, feel free to ask in the comments, and I'll do my best to answer.

What I Learned From Watching Sucker Punch:

1. There is no OFF switch in the writerly part of your brain. Once you start taking fiction writing and storytelling seriously, you can no longer read a novel or short story, or watch a movie or TV show without simultaneously analyzing every part of it. And this auto-analysis often continues long after you've finished reading or viewing.

2. Every character, no matter how major or minor, must assist in the forward movement of the plot.

3. Every character, no matter how major or minor, must be a clearly defined character, both inwardly and outwardly.

4. Nicknames are much easier to remember than full names. Sucker Punch features Baby Doll, Rocket, Blondie, Amber, and Sweet Pea. There is also Madam Gorski, Blue, and The High Roller.

Aside: I have always been a supporter of this, even before I realized it myself. In my very first novel the main character is nicknamed Cricket. In my current WIP, many characters go by a shortened version of their name, which makes it snappier and easier to remember--Rocklyn is Rocky, Candace is Candy, Jasmine is Jazz, etc. I also have a group of characters in a yet-to-be-written YA sci-fi novel that are all nicknamed--you never know they're real, birth-given names. They are Razor, Moth, Jukebox, Squid, and T-Back.

5. No matter how creative your concept, imagery, characters, combat scenes, etc, you must have a clear motivational drive from the beginning. A good goal/ motivation can be defined in a just a few words, or even just one word.

In Sucker Punch that word is freedom. The entire movie revolves around the girls' goal of escaping the asylum. It is then emphasized with a clear quest. "You will need to find five items..."

6. You must have an underlying message for it to be worth your audience's time. Even light-hearted comedies have an underlying message. Any story worth telling must be really worth telling.

7. Not everything must be seen. You will notice, in that movie, that you never actually see Baby Doll's dance. Why? Because it isn't necessary. What is necessary, however, is how her dance affects certain other characters, which enables the plot to move forward. And we very clearly see that in the movie, multiple times.

Analyze everything you show and everything you don't show in your story. Some things are better left to the imagination.

8. Start with a clear inciting incident.

9. The following set-up is both quick and active.

10. The true meat of the story begins at the catalyst.

There are many more things I learned from watching this movie, but that is all I'm going to list here. If I go any further I will have to reveal details of the story.

Has anyone seen this movie yet? Did I miss any points on how to craft a good story (that don't give away anything about the movie)?

Happy writing,
~Lydia

Book Review: ZOMBIE TAG by Hannah Moskowitz

noreply@blogger.com (Lydia Sharp) — Tue, 20 Dec 2011 11:00:00 +0000

Zombie Tag by Hannah Moskowitz
Middle Grade contemp/fantasy-ish
Roaring Book Press, 2011
source: ARC provided by author*

In Hannah's MG debut, we get a good dose of the Hannah-isms we've come to love in her YA novels. Her prose is concise, yet emotionally deep. I have to admit, I envy her ability to consistently write "lean and mean." It makes the story move along quickly while keeping a firm grip on your heart.

Especially since this is (yes!) another great story about brothers. There is just something about the bond of brothers that really gets to me. That's why I loved Break and Invincible Summer so much.

Brothers brothers brothers love love love.

Zombie Tag starts with 13 year-old Wil (our fearless zombie-raising hero) playing a game of Zombie Tag with his friends. I don't want to give too much away and reduce your enjoyment of discovering the awesomeness of the game, so all I'm going to tell you is that it involves spatulas, Post-It notes, and a lot of garbled screaming. I wish Zombie Tag had been around when I was a kid. I would have played it every night. Even by myself. I would've made up imaginary fake-zombie friends if I had to.

Whilst relishing in the child-like gaiety of Zombie Tag, Hannah drops in clues about Wil's not-so-pleasant family situation. Namely, that his older brother, Graham, had died during an asthma attack six months prior. This is pretty major, and again, I'm amazed at Hannah's ability to have me belly-laughing on one page, ready to cry on the next, and right back to doubling over with laughter again on the page after that.

So when we put the two elements together. Zombies. Dead brother. Yeah, you guessed it (if you hadn't already just by the book cover), Wil finds a way to bring his brother back to life. But zombie Graham isn't the same as pre-death Graham, and this is where the true conflict of the story lies.

Was his brother better off dead?

I'm very tempted to tag this puppy as "literary fiction" because the focus on character arc is so strong, it threatens to overshadow everything else. Keep your tissues handy. You don't want to ride Wil's emotional roller coaster without them (because the tearful blur makes it hard to read, just saying).

Shameless character plug: EBEN IS THE BEST.

That isn't to imply, however, that the plot is weak. This is one of the most unique story concepts I've ever read, and there are a couple of twists that I didn't see coming. And as emotionally difficult as the ending was to read, it was completely satisfying. I wouldn't have wanted it to end any other way.

If you have yet to read any of Hannah's novels, this is a great one to start with. It has everything I love about her storytelling, her style, and her humor. If you have read her other novels, you might notice some pleasant similarities between Noah (of Invincible Summer) and pre-death Graham. I'll give you a little hint--they're both deep thinkers.

And that's another thing I love about Hannah's characters. They aren't your typical teen fluff or angst of contemporary fiction. They're intelligent people with complex brains.

Mmm... brains....

5 out of 5 stars. Instant favorite. Not your typical zombie book.
Available everywhere as of TODAY. Get on it.

Happy reading,
~Lydia

*this in no way affected my review of the material; all opinions stated are honest

_____

About the author:

Hannah Moskowitz is a YA and MG writer.

She lives in Silver Spring, Maryland, with too many cats. She's afraid of escalators. Her books feature brothers, sexual ambiguity, and babies. She hates camping and was a very poor Girl Scout. She is an English major at the University of Maryland.

She likes milk more than water. Summer more than winter. Love more than hate.

Visit Hannah's blog about the publishing industry or follow her on Twitter.

2011 Favorites - Novels, Movies, Music

noreply@blogger.com (Lydia Sharp) — Mon, 19 Dec 2011 12:00:00 +0000

Choosing my end-of-the-year favorites is the most difficult thing I do all year. I finished a lot of books, but not all of them were 2011 releases. Sadly, I started many more, but didn't finish them. And sadder still, I meant to read a truckload more and just didn't get to them for one reason or another.

So this list isn't really certifiable. It's based on novels I picked up and finished that were released in 2011. (Same goes for the movies--I didn't get to see everything I wanted to see inside of the year it released.) I used to call this my "best of" list. But I don't think I can rightly call something the "best of" anything if the decision is based solely on my opinion and sore lack of ability to actually read everything on my to-read list.

le sigh

Favorite Novels of 2011

YA Contemporary (issue book)

Clean by Amy Reed

YA Contemporary (relationships)

Invincible Summer by Hannah Moskowitz

YA Contemporary (mystery/suspense)

The Liar Society by Lisa & Laura Roecker

YA Contemporary (music/dance/performing arts)

Rival by Sarah Bennett Wealer

YA Novel-In-Verse

The Day Before by Lisa Schroeder

YA Fantasy (part of a series)

The Iron Queen by Julie Kagawa

YA Fantasy (stand-alone)

The Near Witch by Victoria Schwab

YA Dystopian SF

Delirium by Lauren Oliver

YA Historical Fiction

The Berlin Boxing Club by Robert Sharenow

YA/adult Crossover

Hushed by Kelley York

Middle Grade Fantasy (part of a series)

Darkfall by Janice Hardy

Middle Grade Fantasy (stand-alone)

Zombie Tag by Hannah Moskowitz

Literary Fiction

Everything Beautiful Began After by Simon Van Booy

Women's Fiction

The Kitchen Daughter by Jael McHenry

Historical Fiction

The Doctor's Lady by Jody Hedlund

_____

Favorite Movies of 2011

_____

Favorite Songs of 2011

_____

2012 is sneaking up on us way too quickly, but 2011 was a mighty fine year for entertainment.

What would YOU add to these lists?

~Lydia

Friday Query Critique

noreply@blogger.com (Lydia Sharp) — Fri, 16 Dec 2011 13:00:00 +0000

Thank you, I have enough queries for today! If you missed it this time and would like me to do this again, please let me know in the comments.
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I do a lot of query critiques in Query Letter Hell (on Absolute Write), and I've done quite a few for beta readers and contest winners privately through email, but I don't think I've ever done one publicly here on the blog. Query critiques are one of my favorite things to do. So.

If you have a query you'd like feedback on today, preferably one I haven't seen before, send it to lydiasharp4sff (at) yahoo (dot) com, and I'll post the critique here. Do not post your query in the comments. Your name will not be posted with the critique unless you want it to be. If you don't say so one way or the other, then the query will remain anonymous.

First come, first serve... although I might be inclined to do more than one today. And I might be inclined to do this regularly if there is enough interest.

Taking queries NOW. Any genre, but my strong areas are YA contemp (any kind--issue books, romance, etc), science fiction and fantasy (adult or YA).

Will update the post when I receive enough queries.

Query #1:

Dear agent:

There is no denying the call of the sea.

Elysandra Winters yearns for a life of adventure upon the rolling waves and will do anything she can to achieve her heart's desire, even if it means defying her privateer father and disguising herself as a boy to get it.

Daniel O'Rourke, on the other hand, needs the sea to survive thanks to the selkie blood coursing through his veins. In search of a job and a sense of belonging, Daniel joins Captain Winters' crew aboard The Surf Runner.

When his beloved captain and mentor is murdered by pirates, Daniel must work with his daughter, Elysandra to hunt down the killer.

That is, if she’ll let him anywhere near her.

THE CALL OF THE SEA is a YA fantasy romance complete at 78,000 words.

Lydia's Comments

Dear agent:

There is no denying the call of the sea. {I'm not sure if you meant to put this in bold or if it was a formatting glitch. Aside from necessary italics, such as you have below for the name of the ship, I would keep everything in plain text, especially if you're sending an e-query. This reduces the potential for formatting glitches between different email servers and gives the letter a nice neat clean, professional appearance.

As for the line itself, I'm on the fence about it. The sentence fits the pitch and sets the mood, but I'm not sure it's the best choice for your opening hook, mainly because there is nothing unique about. It's a phrase I've heard/read many times before. On a first read, I almost glazed right over it.}

Elysandra Winters {LOVE her name.} yearns for a life of adventure upon the rolling waves {I would break the sentence here with a period and start the next one with "She will do anything...". Otherwise this sentence/paragraph is a mouthful. The longer the sentences are in a pitch, the easier it is to lose focus. Keep it crisp and concise.} and will do anything she can to achieve her heart's desire, even if it means defying her privateer father and disguising herself as a boy to get it.

It wasn't until I read the above phrase that my interest really piqued. This is personal opinion, but I absolutely LOVE stories that involve this kind of deceit to get what you want. That shows you have a proactive MC, someone who not only knows what they want (they have a clear goal--very important) but is also passionate about doing something to achieve that goal.

The only thing I'm wishing for more of here is a bit of understanding as to why she wants this so badly. If she's willing to go against parental authority and disguise herself as a boy, she must have a pretty strong reason to do so. What is it? You don't have to go into lengthy detail, just give us a hint.

Daniel O'Rourke, on the other hand, needs the sea to survive thanks to the selkie blood coursing through his veins. {This is also a very interesting story element, but I don't think it's worded in the best way possible. It almost comes off a little cheesy, especially in comparison to how strong you opened with Elysandra's paragraph. The phrases I underlined are mostly to blame for this.} In search of a job and a sense of belonging, Daniel joins Captain Winters' crew aboard The Surf Runner.

When his beloved captain and mentor is murdered by pirates, Daniel must work with his daughter, Elysandra to hunt down the killer. {This paragraph is in need of more. I like that you're keeping the pitch as concise as possible, but not at the expense of understanding the plot. I'm confused as to how they wouldn't know who killed their own captain, unless it was a mutiny from their own crew. If that's the case, clarify, otherwise I'm wondering how they could be out on the open sea and not know that pirates have boarded their vessel. Admittedly, I'm not that well-versed in pirate stories, but that seemed off to me. What happens, exactly? This seems too important to the story for such vagueness.

Also, this seems to be the crucial point where Daniel and Elysandra "join forces" to work toward a goal together rather than just for themselves individually. I don't think a one-sentence paragraph is enough to show the true intensity and urgency of these events. Which leads me to...}

That is, if she’ll let him anywhere near her. {As an ending line, this fall flat to me. It's too cryptic.

Queries are difficult because you have to be concise but you also have to give enough information for the reader to understand the conflict.

The 3 Cs of query-writing are Character, Conflict, Choice. You did well with setting up character. The conflict is hinted at--solving a murder mystery--but could use more development. And I don't see a choice of any kind at the end. Ending on a Big Tough Decision is a great way to get the reader (in this case, an agent) to go to the sample pages and/or request to see more. It leaves the reader with a feeling of intensity, a sense of urgency, and a reason to worry for the MC. What are the "high stakes"?

That doesn't necessarily mean ending on a question, though. Your final line needs to have as much punch as the opening line, and ending on a question is nearly as bad as opening with one.}

THE CALL OF THE SEA is a YA fantasy romance complete at 78,000 words.

Overall, good concept, just needs a bit of clarifying. The "disguising herself as a boy" element would be enough for me to read the story, but I don't know if it would be enough for someone else. Emphasize the murder mystery and how that affects what we already know about the characters and their situation. Also, I didn't see the romance element touched on at all, so calling this a "YA fantasy romance" has me scratching my head. Either just call it a YA fantasy or clarify the romantic conflict in the pitch.

Thank you so much for offering us a look at your query. Good luck with this!

_____

I received more queries for critique while updating this post. I will critique them later today and update the post periodically. Thank you!

Happy writing,
~Lydia

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Query #2:

Dear Ms. Sharp,

I hope that I can interest you in my young adult paranormal novel, The Desired.

Sara Lobos was looking forward to a quiet summer on her grandparent’s farm in the middle of nowhere Europe—a chance to recharge, work on a few college applications, and drink tons of espresso while checking out cute guys at the local cafes. Never mind those visions of people and places from other times—they were just proof that she needed a rest. Then she meets Sebastian, the strange boy in the woods who is so much more than he seems. His only request—to free him from the centuries-old prison for which she is the only key. Because of him, she becomes wrapped up in a world of lost kings and a limbo where time stands still. Even worse, her best friend is a part of an ancient society whose only purpose is to stop her.

Now Sara has to decide who to trust—the boy who knows her better than anyone else on earth or the king who is asking her to help save him—and, as a result, the world. The history books said that he was handsome… the problem is that the history books were right.

The Desired is a 72,000 word young adult novel with series potential. I would love to have you consider The Desired for representation and would gladly forward sample pages or the full manuscript at your request.

My contact information is listed below. On a personal note, I enjoy reading your blog and loved your mention about overcoming your fear over the stigma of writing YA. The YA voice is wonderful and challenging, isn’t it?

I look forward to hearing from you soon. Thank you for your consideration.

Lydia's Comments

Dear Ms. Sharp,

~~I hope that I can interest you in my young adult paranormal novel, The Desired.~~ {That's a given. No need to state it. Get right to the point.}

Sara Lobos was looking forward to a quiet summer on her grandparent’s farm in the middle of nowhere Europe {I had to reread this phrase a couple times to understand what you meant.} —a chance to recharge, work on a few college applications, and drink tons of espresso while checking out cute guys at the local cafes. Never mind those visions of people and places from other times—they were just proof that she needed a rest. {So far I like the voice in this. Excellent.} Then she meets Sebastian, the strange boy in the woods who is so much more than he seems. His only request—to free him from the centuries-old prison for which she is the only key. Because of him, {This isn't quite clear enough for me. I don't understand how we just went from talking to the boy to being completely wrapped up in a new world.} she becomes wrapped up in a world of lost kings and a limbo where time stands still. Even worse, {I would avoid using this phrase. It rarely serves as an effective segue.} her best friend is a part of an ancient society whose only purpose is to stop her. {This sentence made me pause. I'm not sure how it relates to what I've already read. Did you just introduce a new character or are you referring to this boy as "her best friend" now?}

Now Sara has to decide who to trust—the boy who knows her better than anyone else {Who do you mean here? Sebastian? Or...?} on earth or the king {Who is this?} who is asking her to help save him—and, as a result, the world. {I don't see how the entire world is being threatened. Clarify.} The history books said that he was handsome… the problem is that the history books were right. {I'm confused again. This is the first mention of anything about this boy being in history books, so I don't see how it relates.

Also, I'm not sure why it's important to mention that he's handsome, especially as your ending line. A bit of romantic intrigue? That's fine for the story, but it doesn't intensify the conflict enough to justify mentioning it in your pitch without anything leading up to it.

I think you're better off ending with the threat to the world, whatever that entails.}

~~The Desired~~ THE DESIRED is a 72,000 word young adult novel with series potential. ~~I would love to have you consider The Desired for representation and would gladly forward sample pages or the full manuscript at your request~~. The full manuscript is available upon request. {The wording there was sounding a bit overboard.}

My contact information is listed below. On a personal note, I enjoy reading your blog and loved your mention about overcoming your fear over the stigma of writing YA. The YA voice is wonderful and challenging, isn’t it? {I love that you included this personalization. Agents love it, too. Nice job!}

I look forward to hearing from you soon. Thank you for your consideration.

Overall, I can sense a good premise possibly hiding underneath, but it isn't shining in the query yet. Too much of this confused me rather than intrigued me. I liked the strong voice in the beginning. Try to carry that through to the end.

Regarding the 3 Cs -- Character, Conflict, Choice -- you did well in hinting at a high stakes choice near the end of your pitch, but the danger wasn't quite clear enough. The character goal/motivation started out well, but fizzled by the end. And overall, the main conflict is muddy. I'm not sure how everything connects. Try streamlining your main conflict down to one sentence, then build from there, only adding things that are directly relevant (i.e. no subplots, no extraneous descriptions, etc). One plot point should flow naturally into the next.

Thanks for offering your query for public critique. Best of luck with this!

_____

Query #3:

Dear Agent,

Rydan is the only one of his people with the ability to wield magic. He’s treated like a god, a prince, cherished for his talent to bend the fabric of the universe to his will. And in the war against the Liasam, he is their ultimate weapon.

Akara’s abilities with the gift protect her people from Rydan’s onslaught. A people who treat her as a prisoner, an animal, feared for the power only she is able to command. In the war against the Tarmack, she must match Rydan’s abilities to keep the battle even.

But the Liasam lose and Akara is to be killed to symbolize the end of the war. If there’s only one death after the slaughter on the battlefield, Rydan can live with that. Until he discovers Akara has the same symbol as he, tattooed on the back of his neck. Knowing hidden truths will die with her, he throws away his status as Tarmack’s golden boy and saves Akara from her public execution.

They discover the tattoo is from the Namaqua people, extinguished by the Tarmack and Liasam fifteen years prior. Akara and Rydan were the only two spared, one to be raised Tarmack, the other Liasam.

The Namaqua were in charge of the Gia Stone which took magic fed by the Namaqua and dispersed it throughout the world, binding together the fabric of nature. To keep it out of wrong hands, the Namaqua broke the stone into four pieces. After fifteen years without magic, devastating earthquakes and tornadoes grow more frequent. The pieces of the Gia Stone must be located so it can be restored and the world can be saved.

Rydan is ready to be the hero once again, lofted high in praise on the shoulders of his people. He begs Akara to help him in the quest.

But Akara doesn’t believe there is anyone in the world worth saving.

FRACTION OF STONE is YA Fantasy complete at 65,000 words. Readers who relished in the lyrical writing of Laini Taylor’s Daughter of Smoke and Bone and immersed themselves in the contrasting world views of June and Day in Marie Lu’s Legend will find themselves drawn to this tale. A complete manuscript is available upon request.

Thank you for your time and consideration and I look forward to hearing from you.

Lydia's Comments

Dear Agent,

Rydan is the only one of his people with the ability to wield magic. He’s treated like a god, a prince, cherished for his talent to bend the fabric of the universe to his will. And in the war against the Liasam, he is their ultimate weapon.

Excellent starting paragraph, in my opinion. I especially like the the phrase "his talent to bend the fabric of the universe to his will." Very good writing here.

Akara’s abilities with the gift protect her people from Rydan’s onslaught. A people who treat her as a prisoner, an animal, feared for the power only she is able to command. In the war against the Tarmack, she must match Rydan’s abilities to keep the battle even.

The second paragraph isn't as fluid as the first. We switched to a new character with a completely different perspective. I understand that they are on opposing sides, but it's jarring at first. I had to pause and reread to fully grasp this.

But the Liasam {You're throwing a lot of names at us in a short span of writing. I had to backtrack to remind myself who the Liasam are. I'm not sure how you can fix this, though, without creating more confusion. If anyone has any suggestions, please speak up in the comments.} lose and Akara is to be killed to symbolize the end of the war. {That is a wickedly delicious way to amp up the tension. Excellent.} If there’s only one death after the slaughter on the battlefield, Rydan can live with that. Until he discovers Akara has the same symbol as he, tattooed on the back of his neck. Knowing hidden truths will die with her, he throws away his status as Tarmack’s golden boy and saves Akara from her public execution.

We're about half-way through and I've already made a decision--I want to read this. In fact, if you had sent sample pages with it, I probably would have skipped right to them at this point. For me, personally, the combination of solid writing ability and a really tough situation you dumped these two characters into is enough to get me going. That won't be the case for everyone who reads this query, but for me, it's already done it's job.

They discover the tattoo is from the Namaqua people, extinguished by the Tarmack and Liasam fifteen years prior. Akara and Rydan were the only two spared, one to be raised Tarmack, the other Liasam.

The Namaqua were in charge of the Gia Stone which took magic fed by the Namaqua and dispersed it throughout the world, binding together the fabric of nature. {More new names to keep track of. If there is any way you can avoid this, do so.} To keep it out of wrong hands, the Namaqua broke the stone into four pieces. After fifteen years without magic, devastating earthquakes and tornadoes grow more frequent. The pieces of the Gia Stone must be located so it can be restored and the world can be saved.

The above paragraph is unnecessary explanation, in my opinion, details that are better left to be discovered when reading the manuscript.

Rydan is ready to be the hero once again, lofted high in praise on the shoulders of his people. He begs Akara to help him in the quest.

But Akara doesn’t believe there is anyone in the world worth saving.

I honestly think you could have ended the query with Rydan's Big Tough Choice of whether or not to save Akara from being sacrificed after he discovers her tattoo. That right there is enough intrigue, with a clear potential for more story (working together to uncover the truth about themselves, when before, they were enemies). It's enough to get me to read the manuscript. In my opinion, you carried the query further into the story than you needed to.

Roni Loren recently posted an excellent article that explains this particular point. Check it out here: The Single Best Piece of Query Writing Advice I've Ever Heard

FRACTION OF STONE is YA Fantasy complete at 65,000 words. Readers who relished in the lyrical writing of Laini Taylor’s Daughter of Smoke and Bone and immersed themselves in the contrasting world views of June and Day in Marie Lu’s Legend will find themselves drawn to this tale. {Very nice! I love comp titles in a query.} A complete manuscript is available upon request.

Thank you for your time and consideration and I look forward to hearing from you.

Just that one bit of confusion when we transitioned in paragraph two, but overall this query is pretty solid. I would request this quicker than a wink, despite the unnecessary paragraphs at the end. You went a little too far into the story, but by then I'd already decided that I liked it, so it didn't affect me too negatively.

Thank you so much for sharing. Good luck with this!

_____

Thanks to everyone who participated! I will make this a regular feature for as long as you all want me to keep doing it. Stay tuned!

Why I Write What I Write

noreply@blogger.com (Lydia Sharp) — Thu, 15 Dec 2011 15:00:00 +0000

First of all, you guys totally rocked with your answers yesterday! All of them were excellent, but a few of you went above and beyond, really dug deep into your core. And for that I thank you, because that's what fiction is all about, exploring ourselves.

I loved all the comments yesterday, but these, especially, seemed noteworthy:

Because that's what I love to read. I write fantasy of all types and have since I was a teen. I write what I write, because those are the stories that come to me.

~Tere Kirkland

Right now, because I've always felt alone. And if there's anyone else like me, then maybe they feel alone too.

~Claire Dawn

Anything I write has to resonate with me (usually in theme). Each of my stories link to something meaningful in my life.

~D.B. Smyth

Some voices are much louder with their stories than others.

~West Thornhill

There are elements I crave in my own life that can only be found in those tales.

~Sarah Fine

I relate to the curiosity and persistence of sleuths. They just can't resist wanting to figure it out. Neither can I.

I also write young adult fiction primarily because those years are so formative. It's in our middle grade and teen years that we start to deal with the bigger questions of who we are and what life around us involves.

~Julie Glover

I write for catharsis--for meaning. Writing is how I restore experience.

~Guilie

The common ground between all of those comments is that they are personalized in some way. And I think that's really important if you want to connect with your readers. Just in those few words, the authors of those comments connected with me.

My conclusion? Making your stories personal to you is an effective way to engage the reader.

So why do I write what I write?

I write science fiction because I grew up on it. Simple as that. Those stories will always have a piece of my heart. They make me feel like a kid again, when everything is new, waiting to be explored.

I write fantasy for the same reason, but sometimes I don't want to be limited by the parameters of known facts. With fantasy, I can let my imagination run (even more) wild, let my creativity blossom.

With SF/F, world-building is a way for me to have control, because so many things in my real life feel out of control.

I write young adult fiction because, in a way I find difficult to explain, I feel an emotional connection toward teenagers that I don't with adults. As Julie said in her comment, those years are transitional and formative. It's a thrilling time of life, yet unbelievably scary sometimes. I didn't live the worst teen years on record, but they weren't full of cupcakes, either.

With every YA story I write, I want to leave a piece of something greater than myself behind.

For a long time I resisted writing YA, hindered by the stigma of it. But once I let go of that stigma and tapped into my teen voice, there was no turning back. I feel like this is what I, personally, am meant to write.

And that's pretty much all it boils down to. In the end, it's just you and your manuscript.

Happy writing,
~Lydia