Autism and Grace to Succeed

Blog Change!

2014-04-21T13:34:00.001-07:00

For those of you who have been following my blog, thank you! It has been awhile since I've written for multiple reasons. One is that the doors of adoption seemed to have closed, at least for now. Neil and I are fine with this because we see that God has opened other doors of opportunity for our family.

This post is to invite you to share and be encouraged, inspired, and refreshed in your life as you follow me in my new blog at mosaiclifeblog.wordpress.com. My new blog has more to do with learning from leaning on God as I share our struggles and joys that come through life struggles. It's very new, and I am still learning WordPress, but I'd love to see your comments and faces as we share ideas about life together via blogging! I am always encouraged by all your comments!! I thank you in advance! I've included my email address in my new blog should you like to contact me for any reason. Thanks, again!

Facing Fear: Who's Got My Back?

2012-09-14T07:25:00.000-07:00

Fear. For me, fear sometimes blocks me from living life full throttle. By "full throttle", I don't mean "fast"; I mean "boldly, without hesitation". I don't want to hold back or "fold". I want to live life "all in". Do you know what I mean?

Just before the summer holidays began, a couple of unanticipated events caught us by surprise. The first event took place five weeks before we were supposed to move. I signed in to my hotmail account so I could IM with my sweet hubby while he was at work. The only reason for this account is to be able to "talk" to Neil periodically throughout the day. I noticed I had several emails. "That's odd", I thought, and began reading down through the list. There were a number of new Facebook accounts, a couple of Twitter accounts, and a few new gmail accounts set up in my name with different variations of my handle. Not having set up any of these accounts, I thought I would begin with Facebook and get to the bottom of this.

I called Facebook and was immediately connected with their support team. I gave the gentleman on the other end access to my computer so that we could see what was going on simultaneously. I had no idea what I was viewing. I was so glad to have someone walk me through this process! He pointed out various areas and times my computer had been accessed, none of which were times I had been online! In fact, whoever was accessing my system had "stopped" or interrupted several of my running programs!

Have you ever felt dread? For me, it began in the core of my stomach. It seemed to take just short of forever to reach my brain. I just couldn't believe what I was being told and seeing for myself! The gentleman from FB made several alarming statements about how many times my computer had been hacked over the previous six weeks: 1,647 times! The next several minutes were filled with counsel to get a security system for my Netbook and the rest of our devices. We had firewalls and security in place already, but obviously, we needed to step it up a notch.

Over the next couple of weeks, we installed a better security system to protect our information. Apparently, whoever was hacking, was not after money, not that he could have obtained any if had tried. He was after our personal information. The only device we were not able to lock down was the iPad. This person pegged our IP address and was able to access our other computers through the iPad. It was creepy. I would be cleaning the iPad for Judah, and all of a sudden, I was locked out. The hacker took control of the iPad. I was watching everything he did as he accessed the "Settings" along with various websites and accounts utilizing our personal information. He was uploading my pictures on the upstairs computer via the iPad, accessing our accounts (not financial) by typing our full names into the URL search bar and bypassing our passwords, and creating new accounts with our names. Scary. From then on, we kept the iPad turned off until we moved. Problem solved. He could no longer locate our IP address after we moved. We did, however, keep our security in place.

The feeling that someone else could so easily access our personal information was unnerving, to say the least. That someone could actually lock us out of our system while giving himself free reign with our computers, left me feeling quite vulnerable. I know this is common, but until it happened to us, I could not relate to the fear of someone attempting to steal my or my husband's identity.

There was one other event that took place within a week of this one. It is one where fear had already taken root and had been sitting in the back of my mind for quite some time. People who are not accustomed to being around families with special needs really don't know what life can be like on a daily basis. This is not a knock or a slam against those people. Outside of living vicariously through a handful of my friends, I am clueless to how to live within certain cultures of the world, since I've had no personal experience. Likewise, those who do not interact with individuals with special needs on a regular basis are relatively unaware of what a day in our lives can look like...and grace is extended to those who lack understanding.

Because individuals with autism look like everyone else, people tend to have certain expectations. When those expectations are not met due to sensory issues or certain behavioral responses, often judgement and criticism are cast, reeling in feelings of inadequacy and exclusion or rejection from parents and caretakers. As have many others, to be sure, we have heard everything from we are lazy parents who neglect our children to we are being irresponsible parents who don't discipline hard enough, or frequently enough, to curb our children's behaviors in order to make them "obey". It has always been a fear of mine that someone with a critical spirit and a lack of discernment or understanding, and without the wherewithal to come to me, will call Child Protective Services and tell them what a bad parent I am. This was a huge fear...that is, until it happened.

A week after the whole "computer hacking" incident took place, we received a certified letter in the mail saying we were under investigation with CPS. Someone had called and complained to the state that we were "neglectful parents due to a lack of supervision", according to the report. One of my worst fears was confronting me, daring me to look him in the eye, and I had to do just that.

We made the appointment to meet with the social worker the following Monday. My nerves were on edge the entire weekend. "This is all we needed right before our move", I thought to myself. "Who would have done something so mean? I mean, everyone around us knows that our boys have autism. All our neighbors have my 'mommy card' so they can call me anytime, should anything ever upset or make them nervous." I wondered if it was the lady several doors down who thought Judah was stuck in the sewer drain.

From inside the house by the patio door, I had about 30% visibility of our yard. We had a large yard that curled around the sides of the house and windows on only two sides. Needless to say, we a had few blind spots. Because I don't handle the heat well here in Texas, I sat right inside our door to watch Judah as he played outside. If I couldn't see Judah playing, I would immediately go outside to locate him. Often, this meant checking on him, literally, every five minutes. However, there would be those moments during the day when Noah needed me for something or when I needed to use the loo. These are the times Judah usually escaped our yard. However, no one ever complained to me. Well, I had one neighbor who didn't like Judah getting in their yard and "ruining their garden", so I tried to be extra careful and more vigilant to catch him before he climbed our fence. There were many times he was too fast for me and made it into their yard before I could get to him. This placed a great deal of stress on me daily.

One afternoon, the lady who thought Judah may have been stuck in the drain, was standing over him talking to him, asking him if he was stuck. One may have thought to help him out of the sewer drain if he was stuck, but, apparently one didn't. Needless to say, Judah was not responding to her. What actually was taking place was Judah was trying to get down into the sewer drain. The drain was between our house and our neighbor's front lawn. Often Judah escaped our back yard and made a bee line for the drain. He was curious and fearless. He enjoyed throwing small rocks down there. Sometimes he took his clothes off and threw those down the drain! I called the city once to retrieve a small pile of shirts, but we lost quite a few articles of clothing that had washed away after being disposed down that drain.

At any rate, I had been looking for Judah, and because he was lying flat trying to get through the drain hole, I didn't see him right away. Then I noticed the lady standing there. I realized that must be Judah she is trying to engage. I ran over as fast as I could. She looked at me and asked, "Is this your child?"

"Yes", I responded. I didn't know what else to say. I didn't know her and going into a big explanation of his autism seemed like it would come across as an excuse at that moment. Was it worth it? Probably not. Would she understand? I don't know. Sometimes I get tired of trying to explain "autism" and what it looks like in my boys. It's a gamble. Sometimes people understand. Many times they do not. I have learned to pick and choose the "teachable moments". This was not one, I decided. I bent over and picked up Judah. It's a good thing he is too big to fit down that hole, although, if I did let him go, I am sure he could figure out how to wiggle his way down there! I heard the lady call me "irresponsible" as she was walking away in a huff, being put off by my lack of knowing just where Judah was and what he was doing.

What she did NOT know was that he had been playing inside the house. I went to the bathroom. He left to go outside. When I came out, he was gone. I had been looking for him for about five minutes. Back yard...front yard (I couldn't see him because he was lying down by the curb)...the two sides of the house without windows...neighbor's yards...I was calling him, but I received no response. I made my round again and was about to call Neil when I saw the lady standing on the sidewalk "talking to the sewer drain" with a concerned look on her face. (If I could have taken a snap shot of that three seconds, I could share the comedy of that picture!) Immediately, I put the pieces together and ran over to retrieve Judah. Could she have been the one who called CPS?

Nonetheless, no one asked if I needed help or offered suggestions that might make life easier, and no one really complained to me or Neil about anything our boys ever did, except our one neighbor with whom I tried extra hard to keep Judah from "visiting". If anything, most of our neighbors looked out for the boys and called me if there was any concern. I felt very supported in this way. So, I was really taken aback when we received that letter in the mail.

That Monday, we met with the social worker in our home. Immediately, she assured us that this was just a formality. They had received the complaint eight months earlier. At that time, the social worker had paid a visit to the school, where the boys would have typically attended had they been in general education, just to find out they were at a different campus because they had special needs, of which she was unaware. After tracking down the correct campus, she tried to "interview" the boys to see if they had enough to eat and if there were any signs of abuse. Neil and I laughed at that since Judah was non-verbal and Noah still couldn't not answer basic questions like "what did you do in school today?" "How did that work out for you?" I asked, laughing and feeling a bit more at ease. The social worker then mentioned that she interviewed the teachers, and they all raved about our family and wondered why anyone would even make the call in the first place. Then she looked up from her paperwork and followed that comment with, "I have been working with CPS for several years, and never in all my years of working for the state, have I had a principal of the school make a point to come to the classroom and go to bat for the family!"

After a few more minutes of conversation, we began talking a little more about what we do in our church and community. Apparently, the teachers, along with the principal, mentioned our involvement. The social worker was impressed and asked if she could take our information and pass it along to families with special needs who are in need of support, encouragement, and resources. Upon leaving, there were still some calls she had to make in order to close out the case. The case had taken eight months because after visiting the school, the state realized that our children were in no danger, and our file had fallen to the bottom of the pile. However, she needed to get the interview done, and by law, had to go through all the formalities in order to officially close the case. She was glad to have met us.

I am not saying this to paint anyone in a bad light or to "toot our own horn", as it were. I learned that God can take a stomach wrenching situation and make it bloom like a flowering shrub in the spring. This could have seriously jeopardized our adoption, but instead, it let the state know who we are and what we do. How cool is that?!!

The verse that had been going through my head that whole weekend was Isaiah 26:3: "Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on Thee, because he trusteth in Thee" (KJV). I am learning that in whatever situation I find myself, God's got my back. Now I am NOT saying that I can do as I please and He will bless my actions regardless. I AM saying that when we are faithful to Him, we experience His blessings through our obedience. Life isn't always fun, and rarely is it easy.

I don't believe God is ever caught off guard or surprised by anything that happens. I don't believe that He wills bad things to happen, and I don't believe He makes mistakes. However, I do believe that nothing happens without His consent. For example, Satan could do nothing to Job without God's consent. God did not allow Satan to take Job's life (Job 1:12). God said, "Behold, all that he hath is in thy power; only upon himself put not forth thine hand." Nothing happens that catches God off guard or by surprise. How much do I trust God? Does He have my back? If God has my back, and nothing happens without His consent, then I can live life without having to fear what may come my way, whether, in my opinion, it's good, bad, or indifferent. I can live life "full throttle", without hesitation, and I will boldly play out the hand I have been given.

I am not folding this time...I'm all in.

My Rant; I am Throwing Down a Challenge

2012-06-01T20:08:00.000-07:00

Well, it has been six months since my last blog. Too long! Honestly, I have been involved in another writing project. I will let you know if it gets published. I am still in the process.

Today I took Noah and Judah to the playground. We were there for around thirty minutes before it began to get a little too crowded for my boys. Noah was ready to go, so we made the two minute drive up the road to another playground, rarely used. Perfect. There was no one there, not that a handful of other children would have been a bad thing. We parked. The boys got out. They began playing. Another vehicle pulled up and parked. A whole family with two younger children got out. The dad came and sat at my picnic table to watch his wife, daughter (about five years old), and son (about three years old) play. All was well until...

Noah approached me at the picnic table and said in his quiet, sweet voice, "Swing?"

"You may go swing, Noah." He stood there looking at me. "Noah, what else you would like?" I asked him, knowing that he wanted me to push him.

"Mommy, come", he said. This is his way of asking for help.

I got up and walked over to the swings with him. I greeted the other mom on the way with a cheerful "good morning". She smiled back and returned my greeting. Once Noah was on the swing, I began pushing. He was loving it! Judah saw us and trotted over to join us. Judah directed me over to the swing he had chosen by taking my hand and guiding me. I helped him up and began pushing Judah. He laughed and laughed as I kept pushing him higher and higher. I looked over at the other children playing on the slides and jungle gym. They were, also, having a great time. And so was I!

By this point, I think it was pretty obvious that by the way my boys communicated and how they got SO excited over swinging that they were children with special needs. The other mom had gone over to sit next to her husband at the picnic table where I was previously sitting. They had been there maybe fifteen minutes from the time they pulled up in their vehicle. Then the dad called over to his kids. Mom helped round them up. I watched, a little confused why they were leaving so soon. He became very stern with them. Then the little girl asked, "Why are we leaving?'

"We are going to check out another playground", he stated in a matter-of-fact tone. Then they left.

How do I take this?

When we lived in Iowa, with the exception of my MOPS group of moms, everytime I took my sons to a playground to play and other moms were there with their children, inevitably a mom would notice Noah's odd behavior. When I explained that he has autism, without fail, the other moms would collect their kids and leave our area. One time, there were two moms, who were friends, that brought their children to the playground to play. They were prepared to stay for quite awhile. I only knew this because they had their packs of food and coolers of drinks with them. The kids had taken their shoes off and were running around and playing tag on the monkey bars and slides. One of the moms, who had been observing Noah for a number of minutes, asked me, "What is he doing? Why is he flapping his arms like that?"

"He is just really excited", I responded. "He really enjoys being around other children, and he is having fun watching them play."

Not five minutes later, the moms had packed up their children and went to another part of the park to play. It was strange to me because they left their packs and coolers right where they were, as though they were going to come back for them. "Oh, well," I thought.

About thirty minutes later, Noah and Judah were ready to go home. I gathered them together and loaded them in our Durango. As I was pulling out, I saw the two moms and all their kids coming back to the play area and settle into their former routine and games.

Once...okay, it is probably in my head, and I am being hyper-sensitive. Twice...coincidence? Every time? Yep, I am taking it personally now. It hasn't happened in five years, that is, until today.

So, there is my "rant". Now for my challenge.

I have to say one thing to all those who are afraid of individuals with special needs: they are NOT poisonous, contagious, or toxic to the environment. I really don't mean to be rude. I completely understand being intimidated from not knowing what to say or do. I understand ignorance at not knowing what to expect or anticipate. Fear can come from that, right there. What I don't understand is the total rejection without batting an eye. I don't understand making an individual, or whole family for that matter, feel like a cow patty in the middle of a field in farming country: insignificant, undesirable, unwanted, and at all costs, something to be avoided. It boils down to pride and self-centeredness. I challenge you to go a little beyond your comfort zone when you come across someone with special needs. Odds are they have been rejected their entire life and are used to that "special treatment". If for just five minutes, take time to smile and say "hello" or hold a door open. Make them feel not just "special", but valued. Who doesn't want that?

Sometimes I wonder if people are thinking, "What will people think of me if I talk to that person?" Lol...really? My question to you is, "What will they think if you don't?" On one hand, people will either think negatively of you (but not too negatively because they would have done the same thing) if you do or say nothing...that is, if they actually think anything of you at all. Let's face it, most of the time, people aren't thinking about what you are doing or saying, unless it affects them in some way. On the other hand, if you, for a moment gave an individual with special needs the time of day for only two minutes to smile and say "hello", people around you will feel good. They will admire you for being somewhat heroic and standing out among the rest that just turn their heads the other way. But mostly, a simple "hello" is what many individuals with special needs are craving. Just like you, they want to be noticed for who they are, be accepted for their strengths and challenges, and above all, be valued for their existence.

If you are truly afraid of saying or doing something wrong, feel free to ask questions. It is NOT offensive to ask questions. People are longing for someone to ask about themselves! Do you like to talk about yourself? How would you feel if everyone completely avoided you thinking they just might say the wrong thing? What if you became the "elephant in the room" that everyone knew was there, but no one would talk about or talk to? Don't be timid to ask about their disability. Ask about it! Ask parents about their children with special needs. Ask how they "do it" on a daily basis. "What is life like" for them? Try looking at those with special needs as a different culture, not another world. People with special needs think and feel the same way you do; they just have more daily challenges facing them than a typical person does. Ask about those challenges. Ask about their daily routines. Bottom line: learn about someone else who is a little different, but mostly the same, as you are.

To churches, I have one last challenge. We have attended a number of churches in the past 10.5 years of marriage. Very few have anything to do with individuals with special needs. Why is that? This goes far beyond the playground. There is absolutely no reason why a church would have no members with special needs in their congregation. I humbly and passionately submit, to be a church that does not embrace and welcome members in their community with special needs into their congregation, is wrong on SO many levels. Unless there are no people with special needs in your city (and since 1 in 6 are diagnosed with something, I would be pretty skeptical of that), then the church absolutely should have a place for the special needs community.

We attended a church that placed our boys in a room by themselves, separate from the other children, and offered very little to no interaction at all. We attended a church that told a dear friend of mine not to bring her nephew back because they were not equipped to "handle" a four-year-old with Downs Syndrome. I have sat with church leadership in various churches and heard many stories of them having to turn families away because they were not "equipped" for individuals with special needs, especially children. I have listened to peers who have children with special needs who were turned away at various churches because that church didn't know what to do with the child with autism, the child with auditory processing disorder, the child with sensory integration issues. My response to that is "Get equipped!"

Who are we, as the body of Christ, more like: the disciples who didn't quite always understand the heart of Christ? When the children raced to see Jesus and the disciples tried to hold them back, Jesus said, "Let the children come to Me; do not hinder them, for to such belongs the kingdom of God" (*Mark 10:14).

Are we more like the Pharisees who made sure they looked like they had it all together? "And a man with a shriveled hand was there. Looking for a reason to accuse Jesus, they asked Him, 'Is is lawful to heal on the Sabbath day?' that they might accuse Him. And He said to them, 'What man shall there be of you, that shall have one sheep, and if this fall into a pit on the Sabbath day, will he not lay hold on it, and lift it out? How much then is a man of more value than a sheep!' (*Matthew 12:10-12).

Or are we more like the self-serving crowd of people who wanted to get a better look at Jesus, having no regard for others in the crowd who wanted to touch or be with the Christ? And a woman having an issue of blood twelve years, who had spent all her living upon physicians, and could not be healed of any, came behind Him, and touched the border of His garment; and immediately the issue of her blood stanched (was healed). And Jesus said, 'Who is it that touched Me?' And when all denied, Peter said, and they that were with him, 'Master, the multitudes press You and crush You.' But Jesus said, 'Some one did touch Me' for I perceived that power had gone forth from Me. And when the woman saw that she was no hid, she came trembling, and falling down before Him declared in the presence of all the people for what cause she touched Him, and how she was healed immediately. And He said to her, 'Daughter, your faith has made you whole; go in peace." (*Luke 8:43-48).

Or are we more like Jesus Christ? Jesus touched and healed the blind, the deaf, the leper, the broken in body and in spirit. Jesus healed those who couldn't walk. He welcomed the those who had special needs of the body and of the heart. Why would we, as the body of Christ, the ones who are supposed to represent and reflect Jesus Christ to those who don't personally know Him, turn certain people groups away? Selfishness (not wanting to leave our comfort zones for sake of our convenience and ease)? Fear of looking inadequate (pride)? There are many reasons. My challenge here is to get beyond ourselves in order to see and reach those who are standing right next to us.

*Scripture is copied from the English Standard Version of the Bible. I changed the word "thee" to "you" and capitalized the pronouns referring to Christ.

Home Study Paperwork Completed

2011-12-05T09:00:00.001-08:00

Our home visit went really well. Jennifer, the lady from the adoption agency, stayed for nearly three hours. The visit was pleasant and unstressful (is that a word?). She asked all kinds of questions like, "How were you disciplined growing up and how does that compare or contrast with the way you approach discipline with your children now? How do you handle stress? What was the most traumatic experience in your childhood? Do you have a good support network of family and friends who are geographically close? What was your relationship to your parents like growing up, and what is your relationship to them like now?" These are just a few of many. All in all, it was kind of fun answering some of these questions. Some questions were quite thought provoking, but there weren't any that Neil and I had never discussed. That made it easier, for sure!

Next step: the agency will write their report and begin finding matches of children for our family. Neil and I have already been online looking at various children's profiles. I am SO glad we have an agency working with us this time!

Adoption Update!

2011-11-23T08:10:00.001-08:00

Our home visit with the agency is on Sunday at 2:30! Wooo-hooo! That is the last of the "paperwork"! Next step: matching a child with our family. Total awesome-ness!

Ahhh...the Holidays are Here

2011-11-23T06:16:00.000-08:00

Yesterday the school bus pulled up to the curb in front of our house. The door opened and my two little gentlemen stepped down the three stairs and off the bus. Their bus driver waived to me. "Have a great weekend!" she said.

Thanksgiving is one day away. We have a busier than usual holiday planned this year. With our family living on the far north side an we living on the far south side of the country, family get-togethers and visits are far and few between. However, this year we have been invited to feast with friends here in Texas for Thanksgiving, and we will be flying back to Wisconsin for Christmas. All this to say, my mind is quite possibly "busier" than what is typical.

This morning my alarm went off at 5:50am. Ten minutes left to snooze. The boys' bus arrives at 6:45 to pick them up for school each day. Sigh...5:54am. Six minutes left. Pray quickly...I've got to...so much to accomplish today. Last day of school before the Thanksgiving holiday. And who are we kidding? Once Thanksgiving hits, Christmas becomes a blur and we are already into a new year! 6:08am. I must have fallen asleep and slept through my alarm! Grrr...OK, here we go! Get the boys up. Noah is dragging, and Judah is such a grumpy bear! Go to the bathroom. Judah is like a rag doll as I try to get him dressed. "C'mon, work with me, Judah." Left to get himself dressed with as little help as possible, we would be here until 9am! Get them dressed. Feed them breakfast. Make their lunches. Give Judah his seizure medication. That's always a battle. Get their socks and shoes on. 6:44am. Bus is running late. That's alright. It will give me time to catch my breath. Neil is in San Antonio, so I fly solo three days a weeks. I miss him when he is gone. 6:46am. Whew! We made it! I am waiting outside for the bus with Judah, and Noah is waiting upstairs as he playing with my cell phone.

Waiting. 6:48am. Not usually this late, but sometimes it happens. As I am sitting on the stoop with Judah on my lap waiting for the school bus to come, I am reviewing my "to do" list for the day. Make a pumpkin cake roll for tomorrow, clean the carpets and upholstery, finish the laundry, and tie up any loose ends for Camp Grace, a Christmas event for families who have children with special needs. Fortunately, there is a small team of us working on Camp Grace. I love it! 6:55am. Where is their bus?!

Then it dawns on me...

Yesterday the bus driver said, "have a good weekend". I thought she was taking an extra day off and someone else would take her place today. It's happened before. Today is Wednesday...oh, boy. I quickly left Judah sitting on the stoop in front and ran inside the house to check the school calendar. Another big sigh. Sure enough...

Yep! The holidays are here...beginning today!

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!

"Wait a Minute...What am I Doing?!"

2011-11-08T16:39:00.000-08:00

We have all had moments when we find ourselves saying "Aha! I think I understand now!" Then there are those moments in life when we survey our circumstances, stop, declare, and ask, "Wait a minute! What am I doing?!"

When Neil and I were dating, we went to Six Flags Great America in Chicago where there was a ride appropriately called "The Dare Devil". This is a free fall swing from 12.5 stories (150 feet) in the air. I always loved the rush! I had been cliff jumping off a forty foot ledge into the water at Devil's Lake in WI. I had done mountain climbing and repelling the bluffs in British Columbia, Canada, and white water rafting in Calgary, Alberta. This ride greatly appealed to my sense of adventure!

After being briefed of our instructions from the ride instructor, Neil and I were strapped in to a sort of "body sling" and began our 150 foot ascent. We reviewed our instructions together on our way up. "When the instructor says, 'Three-two-one...Fly', Neil pulls the cord, and we will free fall straight down. OK, got it." Once we hit about the 75 foot mark, the people below began looking a little too small for my comfort. 100 feet...and I had my "Wait a minute...what are we doing?" moment. That is when Neil began to have a little fun with me.

"I sure hope this thing works", he said with a half serious look on his face. I looked at him with a questioning look. 125 feet and counting...

"I mean, do I pull this cord? Or was it this one?" I tried to stay cool, but I am sure my face all too readily revealed my concern. 150 feet. We stopped. Pause. Then the instructor's voice came over the loud speaker. "OK, Neil, 3-2-1...(another dramatic pause, and then...) FLY!" Neil pulled the cord. I am pretty sure I screamed. I have to be honest, though, after that first swing through, I was loving it! As the swing slowed down and by the time we got our feet back on the ground, I was ready for more! A little too expensive for a second trip up and back, but the first one was definitely worth the thrill!

Since then, I have had a few of those "wait a minute...what am I doing" moments in life. I've noticed that they usually come during times when I look around at the circumstances in life and feel I have no idea what I have gotten myself into.

I am reminded of Peter who wanted to believe that it was really Jesus walking on the water towards him and his buddies in the boat in the middle of a storm. Peter said to Jesus, "Lord, if that is really You, then tell me to come to You on the water." Jesus said, "Come, Peter". And Peter stood up in the boat. He didn't think twice. He stepped out onto the water and began walking towards Jesus. (Matthew 14:22-31)

Who knows how far he really got before he realized what he was actually doing. I think often we picture Peter about five to ten steps out on the water before he realized the gravity of his situation. However, I wonder if he was a good fifty or a hundred feet out before he had a reality check, so to speak. I wonder this because in my life, it seems God waits until I am in completely in over my head before my "reality check" hits me full in the face. Once I am so far, there is no going back, leaving me with only two options: stop and sink or trust God for the outcome and keep moving forward. I'm just speculating, but I kind of think Peter was out there a ways before he realized where he was and what he was doing. He really couldn't pull a "Scooby-Doo", turn around and run back to the boat. It was sink or look to the One who called him out there and keep moving forward.

Peter was doing just fine...and then he had his moment, his "wait a minute; what am I doing" moment. He said, "Lord, save me!" He really didn't need saving. He was already doing what he was called to do in that moment, which, in fact, was a miracle, but it all seemed quite normal until he looked around.

The other night, I was lying down on our loveseat facing the wall with our family pictures. The reality of my life began to settle into my mind. I could see myself married, but having two kids? Being a mom? For some strange reason, that all of a sudden, that felt weird. Then to top that, we have two children with special needs. OK, that sunk a little deeper. Then I began to think...we live in Texas...working with special needs...helping out on various teams in our church...reaching out to families and other churches...working and networking with respected organizations and ministries to further the Gospel...and adoption?!

In my past, I have been honoured to work with so many ministries, but they have all been short term -- a couple years here, a few years there. Now, eight years into child rearing, there is NO going back! I am in this for the long haul! I had my "Wait a minute! What am I doing?" moment right there on the loveseat, and I flashed back to the few minutes of being hoisted up 12.5 stories in the air and those 30 seconds of panicky feelings in my chest right before Neil was told to pull the cord and "fly".

I remembered when Neil pulled that cord, I screamed half way down, but once I realized I was safe in the midst of that free fall, I truly felt as though I was flying! Once Peter realized he was safe in Jesus' arms, although Jesus asked him why he doubted, did his heart soar at what Jesus had called him to do? I wonder if in that moment, Peter began to understand the contrast between how the calling of God in our lives supersedes the limitations that this life mandates. We can see how the gravity of that truth seemed to sink into Peter's heart as we follow the rest of his life. There is no need for fear, just obedience. We can walk forward confidently trusting God for the ability to carry out His calling in our lives regardless of the circumstances. Philippians 1:6 says,

"I am sure of this, that He who started a good work in you will carry it out to completion until the day of Christ Jesus."

And there, finally, is my "aha" moment.

Update on the Adoption Process

2011-11-02T11:07:00.000-07:00

Only a background check is left to do! Woo-hoo! This could actually take a couple of months to get back, but, hey, we are almost there...finally. This second time around in getting our home study done has really been a challenge. We have been much busier this year, and this time, the home study has required more paperwork from us than our last one. To be completely honest, sometimes the motivation isn't there, either. I love my family the way it is. Why change what I love already? The answer to that question is simple: we will be changing what we love for something we will love even more! On that note, we are seeing the light at the end of this tunnel and, personally, I am nervous and excited all at once. I am nervous about the changes that will take place in our family and home, but I am excited to see how God is going to bless it all!

Getting a Grip

2011-11-02T07:16:00.000-07:00

One of the things I am beginning to grasp a little bit is regarding persecution. Frankly, I always figured that we Americans really don't have a clue when it comes to persecution, but I am rethinking that now. True, we are not beaten and whipped or starved and kept in little cages or forced into labour, but we are persecuted.

God was speaking to Moses regarding laws of holiness in Leviticus 19. Verse 18 says "Do not take revenge or bear a grudge against members of your community, but love your neighbor as yourself; I am the LORD." In Matthew 19:19 Jesus was quoting a few of the ten commandments from Exodus 20 as He was conversing with the rich young ruler regarding what he must do to get to heaven (note that this is not Jesus complete answer to the young man in this passage). Verse 19, as quoted, says "Honor your father and your mother; and love your neighbor as yourself." Galatians 5 is all about the freedom of the Christian and what it is to live freely in Christ. Paul was writing to the church in Galatia pertaining to everyday Christan living being based on freedom from the law of sin and living by the power of the Holy Spirit. Verses 13-15 says, "For you are called to freedom, brothers; only don't use this freedom as an opportunity for the flesh, but serve one another through love. For the entire law is fulfilled in one statement; 'Love your neighbor as yourself'. But if you bite and devour one another, watch out or you will be consumed by one another." (HCSB)

If (when) my neighbor decides to treat me or a family member like a stray dog who keeps messing on the lawn and my response is anything less than Christ-like, the situation is nothing more than one of life's pains in the...(ahem) "hind quarters". Even if the situation escalates for whatever reason, if my reaction is towards satisfaction of my offended self, whether truly justified or not, it is still just two "neighbors" spatting. On the other hand, if my response to my neighbor is one that wordlessly preaches the Gospel of Christ, and if he is a believer, I can trust the Holy Spirit to move my neighbor's heart towards Him, and I have then encouraged a brother, or sister, in Christ to draw closer to Him. Contrarily, if my neighbor is not a believer, he will have the chance to see Christ through my actions and responses. If the situation escalates because I am choosing to respond "Christ" to him, that would be persecution. That doesn't mean that I allow anyone to speak into my life or the life of a family member any way he chooses. I need to stand for what is right and protect my children from people who do not speak "life words" into my children's lives. Granted, both of my sons will need to know how to respond on their own at some point, but right now, being at such a vulnerable age, I need to protect them as much as possible. I can also trust God to protect my children (and me or my husband) when I am unable and to bridle my tongue when appropriate, and give me the correct words -and tone!- when necessary.

I wonder how many situations I have demanded justice by getting in the last cutting word instead of choosing to wait and trust the Holy Spirit for my response. And if the situation escalates or continues because I have put myself in the back seat (or the trunk, as too often is the need in my case) and allowed the Holy Spirit to take over, then it truly is Christ being persecuted and not me.

The other thing I am beginning to understand a little better is that because nothing happens without God's permission, I need to trust Him for everything that happens with His permission. If He (and He does) wants me to draw closer to Him, then these types of circumstances are not to be perceived as just one of life's hardships or "trials", but as opportunities for me to learn to trust Him. These are times when I must step back and listen to what He would have me say and/or do before I put in my two cents worth, or two dollars, for that matter. Is what I have to say really so important? Will I be speaking "life" into my neighbor as I vent my displeasure at how I or a family member is treated? Will I be adding to my neighbor's mood and fueling that fire, or will I be sparking embers of the love and truth of Christ to him?

Yep, I am seeing a darker place in my heart. I am much less angry in many situations, but I am still rolling my eyes a LOT. I am sorry and ashamed to admit it. During these moments, I see that I am "in the wrong". Now, I see that I am not just "in the wrong" with my anger. I see a dark, ugly place in my heart. The word "putrid" comes to mind. Green and slimy, not like a cute little frog, but "icky". That begins to sum up how my heart looks. I have been asking God to change my heart; show me what He sees. Sometimes it is against my will to want to see what He sees, but I want my will to change to the will of His heart. That is my prayer. That is where I am now. A much better place, but...sigh, what can I say? I am still rolling my eyes! I wonder is Jesus ever rolled His eyes...bet He did when someone told a stupid joke!

"Water, Water, Everywhere, and Not a Drop to Drink!"

2011-10-12T15:08:00.000-07:00

Last night around 7:45, Neil and I were upstairs overseeing Judah's bath time (that can take two people and about eight bath sheets), and Noah was downstairs playing on the laptop. Neil figured he would go downstairs and check on Noah to make sure he was doing OK. I was leisurely getting ready for bed, throwing on a big comfy shirt and stripping down to my underwear to watch Judah from underneath my snuggie-soft down throw on our bed. Judah had just jumped out of the tub when I heard a frantic plea from the floor below, "Babe! I need your help! Hurry! Quick!" Throwing on a pair of sweats, I raced passed Judah who was making his way down the stairs soaking wet and stark naked.

The first scene I saw was Noah still playing on the laptop as calm as could be. "Couldn't be too bad", I thought. "No one seems wounded, although Neil doesn't usually sound that panicky..." Then I saw the scene of mayhem. It would have been a little more comical had not the weight of the situation hit me in the stomach like a cement cylinder block hurling from a seven story building. While Judah was streaking in front of an open patio door, I saw Neil feverishly bailing water from a sewage geyser springing from the commode in the powder room. I saw at least a two inch puddle soaking into the carpet between the powder room and kitchen. Let me tell you, seeing an actual puddle of sewage on white carpet will do something to your stomach...something having to do with a cylinder block and a seven story building.

Anyway, all my thoughts went out the door along with Judah as I assessed the situation, which took all of two seconds, to see where I could jump in. Then I realized Judah had left the building. Retrieving the little unclothed urchin from his favourite habitat and locking the door behind me, I quickly began running the Bissell vacuum, sucking up as much water as it would take. Neil had already turned off the water to the toilet. It was still gushing sewage and it was all Neil could do to keep up with the overflow. After several times of sucking and emptying water and sewer, I realized Judah was still enjoying life in the buff. I quickly dressed him, and got on the phone with the home owners insurance company.

"Well, ma'am, usually at this point in the evening, we would tell you that we will have someone out tomorrow to assess the situation."

"Excuse me", I queried. "I don't think you understand. My husband is bailing buckets of water and sewage from the toilet to our back yard, and he is barely able to keep up. The water has been turned of and IT'S NOT STOPPING! To clarify, are you telling me that we should just continue bailing until someone finds our house some time tomorrow?"

"I see your point, ma'am, and I am very sorry to hear about your situation." I wondered if their have to take an "empathy class" to get this job. She sounded like she was reading a script. Then she continued, "I will dispatch someone out to your house tonight, ma'am."

"Thank you", I said, "about how long do you think it will take before someone is able to get to us?"

"I will call dispatch, and if you don't hear from us within the next 1 - 2 hours, call us back." Click.

"Hey, that's great," I thought, "Thanks."

Next, I called the plumbing company directly. Forget the insurance company. I got on the phone again, and called the plumbing company directly. I was pleased that I didn't have to go through the 10 minute ordeal of what language to use or any other "all-about-me" questions. An operator immediately picked up on the other end. Yes, they could help us. It would cost $120 to send someone out to just assess the problem, but we were desperate. How long? Ahh, yes. "We might be able to have someone out there in an hour, but I can't guarantee it."

"No, of course not", I mused. We hung up.

My phone rang, and it was the first gentleman I called right before the insurance company and with whom I had left a message. He is self-employed, does a great job, and is very fairly priced. Michael Martinez. He lives on the "very south side of Austin", as he describes it. I answered my phone and explained the situation. Michael was out to our house in 45 minutes. I cancelled the other two dispatches. Michael worked for two hours snakeing our PVC pipe from outside, pulling up tons of mud. Not good. It was obviously a cracked pipe. Rats.

On the upside, Neil took a vacation day, which he needed, anyway. I get to sit here at home with my sweetie, waiting for our service request that our landlord called in to be met. Sigh. It's not so bad, really. CVS and Wag-a-Bag are just around the corner, and the boys can wear pull-ups today. Our house is beginning to smell like sewer, but there is always air freshener. Go, Glade and Febreeze!

Because the ground is so dry, one of the main water lines from Stillwater Lake broke, so our area, along with a few other local communities, are prohibited from turning water on outside. Police are even patrolling and fining people up to $2000 for running any water outside. I came to the conclusion a while back, but this turn of events just confirmed my thoughts. Water bills are a luxury...not the ones from water damage, but the regular ones that come every month letting you know that you have the ability to turn on the sink or use the toilet. :-)

2011-10-10T15:02:00.000-07:00

Today I went upstairs to set Noah up with his music, and I found him with my black camera. He had erased the pictures I had taken (fortunately, there weren't too terribly many). He knew right away that I was upset. I raised my voice and said, "Noah!" Immediately, he began crying and sat down on our bed. Through his tears he said, "I'm sorry". Instantly, my heart melted and right away I felt badly for yelling his name. I sat down and cuddled him and accepted his apology and told him I forgave him. I apologized to him for yelling his name. Then I reassured him that although I like my pictures, I love him much more and that he is much more important to me than the pictures on my camera.

We snuggled for awhile, and I kissed him all over his little red, tear stained face. This was a huge moment for both of us, a break through moment for so many reasons. Both of my sons have never really responded appropriately to emotions before, especially Noah.

This is very common for someone who has autism. They don't understand emotional cues from other people. Noah could see another child crying and he, many times, would laugh. He doesn't laugh to be mean or spiteful; he just hasn't been able to switch gears from playing. He hasn't been able to understand or identify when someone is sad, angry or happy.

Most kids would say to a parent, "Why is that boy crying?" When a person cries, that is the child's cue that there is "unhappiness". Also, usually, a child can express whether she is happy, sad, or angry. My boys have not been able to do this either. I have NEVER seen Noah grasp this concept...until today.

I rarely yell at my sons. What's point? The only thing that changes is the volume of my voice, and let's face it, to any child that could be entertaining all on it's own! Usually when I am angry or upset, my voice get lower, softer, and more stern in tone. I have to admit, sometimes you can hear the frustration in my voice, too! This time I reacted instead of responding, and I raised my voice.

This time, for the first time, Noah responded appropriately to my tone with crying. HUGE for him! To boot, he even sat down on the bed instead of continuing to think we were engaging in play, and he said (WITHOUT BEING PROMPTED!), "I'm sorry". It takes a LOT if understanding to read emotional cues, put the cues together with the words, and translate the communication. It takes a LOT to know the appropriate response, find the words, and then respond with feeling.

Today I saw my son who never used to cry (except when touched or when his "safety routine" was interrupted), who never use to respond to his name, react, whatsoever, to stimulus in his environment...today I saw him FULLY engage life with understanding.

My heart was moved from hardened frustration to melting hot tears. My little 8 year old boy and I just had a conversation that hit all levels: verbally (both receptively and expressively), emotionally (identifying and responding), and relationally (apologizing and accepting forgiveness from each other) as we snuggled basking in each other's love.

I wonder how often it takes me to respond appropriately to God's correction. Do I laugh and continue playing? Am I insensitive to His tone? Do I understand the gravity of the situation? Do I react impulsively or do I respond thoughtfully with the truth of His Word in my heart?

Learning to Lean

2011-04-28T11:38:00.001-07:00

I think this is a season of "leaning". Let me explain.

Sometimes I hear people say, "Don't worry; God will never give you more than you can handle." Usually, I just want to...well, I'm sure you understand. Truth be told, I know God will never give me more than I can handle. However, I know He is not up in heaven sitting on His throne saying to Himself (or the angels), "I know Becky can handle this one, so I will just put it on her plate in front of her". The fact is He will never give me more than I can handle, not because I "got the stuff" to deal with it, but because He is able. That is FACT.

I was talking to my health coach today and she told me that I need to make sure I take time to rest. (Hmmm...sounds sort of like something my sweet hubby constantly tells me.) As I listened to her finish her little lecture to me, which really was more of a pep talk, I had to ask..."So, what is "rest"? I mean, I know what it is, but what does it look like for me, I wonder?"

After we hung up our phones, feeling motivated to "rest", I decided to go for a walk that lasted an hour and a half. When I came back, I jumped into the jeep, drove to the gas station, and bought two drumstick ice-cream cones, one for now and one for later, both for me, of course! Once I sat down with my creamy, crunchy treat in hand, I began to think (not that my brain ever actually turns off) about what is on my proverbial plate. Let's see...looking at making a house purchase (God willing), transitioning Judah to a different classroom program at a different school (this requires the ultimate "meeting of the minds" at an ARD), home schooling Noah over the summer, choosing and prepping a daily routine and curriculum this coming year in order to home school Noah the following year, and that is saying nothing about filling out more paperwork for the adoption process. Granted, not all of this takes place over the next week, but still, it is a little daunting when I begin to think about actually doing it. Pathways, Camp Grace, Vacation Bible School, women's Bible study, community group, Sunday school (actually, that's on Neil's proverbial plate) are all on the side, as it were. What was that? Cleaning the house and making meals? Yes, I do know what that is. I'm not entirely sure how, but I'm aware that those things do get done (I need to give my hubby props on helping out here, too.)

All that to say, if I had to handle all this on my own, I think I would retreat to a nice, quiet place, like a convent, and live out the rest of my days there. OK, not really, but you get my point. Often I find myself feeling overwhelmed, sometimes a little fearful, often times scatter-brained, and just plain willing myself through the day. This is obviously not a state of being that reflects a calm, quiet spirit choosing to rest on the Holy Spirit in the midst of a storm. So, that's where I am learning to lean. Lean in close. What is God telling me? What is in His heart for me to hear, to learn right now. Leaning in quietly, listening...not just for a moment, but for this season, however long it may last.

Aaahhhh...so that's what it means for me to rest. Situations have not changed. Circumstances and appointments are still present and on the docket. But my heart is beating calmly to a steady rhythm. My attention is on the God who is omnipotent and able to do all things. Whew! It's so nice to be able to rest in the midst of life's chaos and even disappointments! It's so nice to have the peace that all is going to go well regardless of how it happens, and it's not because I've got the stuff to make it work or overcome it all. It's because He is able.

It's a season for leaning. I guess, really, it never goes out of season.

Adoption Process Update

2011-02-15T12:33:00.000-08:00

Well, it has been awhile since I have updated you on the adoption process. There is not a lot to report except that we are now using an agency to help us in the process. The private agent that initially helped us with our home study was wonderful and did an awesome job. In fact, she came highly recommended by some friends of ours who are also pursuing adoption. However, because our friends were pursuing an international adoption, the process proved to be a little different from a domestic adoption.

For the past several months, Neil and I have been browsing online looking at various adoption agencies throughout the United States. We have made several inquiries and have either received no response at all or a very late response telling us the child we inquired about has already been placed. So, after much prayer and conversation, Neil and I decided to utilize the assistance offered through a local agency. This means we need to start the home study process over again. So, at this point, we have paid for the home study again, and we have most of our paper work filled out and ready to be sent.

What I have learned through this last nine months is this: God has called Neil and me to be obedient through giving us the desire to adopt and then to follow through with that desire no matter how difficult the process proves to be. When Neil and I were struggling to pay for the home study the first time around, God sent some dear friends (out of the blue, I might add) to help pay for the study. My friend just walked up behind me one day and handed me a check and said "keep and open mind and don't say 'no' ". In the envelope was a check to cover the whole home study process. It was through their obedience and generosity that God provided the opportunity for further obedience on our part. If we go as far as we can go in an area where God has called us, He will provide for all our needs to take us the distance. Upon realizing that we were not getting very far with finding our third son, and that we would need to pay for another home study, we prayed about how to pursue God's will in this area of our lives. God has provided, in perfect timing, the ability to be able to invest our finances and ourselves into a second home study. Although I am a little nervous, I am so excited to see how God will bless and continue to lead our family.

Those are my thoughts. :-)

The Best Valentine's Gift

2011-02-15T12:13:00.000-08:00

The best valentine I've received was yesterday. My seven-year-old, Noah, who is not feeling well, came downstairs and sat on the loveseat adjacent from me. He looked at me and said these words, "How do I love thee? Let me count the ways. I love you soooooo much." The best....EVER!!!

The Christmas Crescendo

2010-12-26T10:04:00.000-08:00

I know it is already February, and almost Valentines Day, for that matter, but this has been on my mind...

When I was a little girl, Christmas was always a very special time of year. My parents were missionaries. We didn't have a lot of money, but Dad and Mom always made Christmas day one of excitement and anticipation. My brother and I each received one gift from our every parents every year, usually handmade. On an early Christmas morning in 1976, I remember my brother and me running into the living room to open our stockings, as was our tradition. After we opened our stockings, which usually contained an orange and a couple McDonald's gift certificates, we would wait impatiently for Dad and Mom to get up, make breakfast, and gather around the tree to read the Christmas story from the Bible. Although the Christmas story reading was the same every year, save the passages from which they came, Dad always tried to point out something different. After we heard about baby Jesus in the manger, Dad would pray and we would open our presents, savouring each moment. Then as the morning hours turned into the afternoon, we snacked on home made Christmas candy and drinks while watching Christmas specials on our used black and white television. Christmas for me was more than the presents under the tree. Yes, it was about the Baby in the manger. It was, also, about the very special day with my family together. Our traditions are what make these memories so fond.

Now, Christmas looks different. Being married, Neil and I have been able to incorporate new traditions, bringing in some of the old and trying to come up with some new. In his family, gifts were opened on Christmas eve, so we decided to keep that tradition. Along with that, we chose to maintain the Scripture reading of the Christmas story from my family. Having two children with autism has challenged us to improvise even these simple traditions. It has not been until just this year that they have been interested in opening gifts. The pretty boxes under the tree really have no significance to them. The last number of years, Neil and I ended up opening their gifts for them, and still not much interest was shown in their new toys. This year seemed as though things, perhaps, would be a little different, and I guess I let my hopes rise with expectations that our traditions might catch on this year.

Usually, we CAN leave gifts under the tree unwrapped, and they remain unnoticed. This year, Noah spotted an unwrapped box under the tree. It was just a brown box that had been shipped from extended family to arrive in time for Christmas day. One afternoon, he came to me and said, "Open present?" I was so excited! I said, "Sure! As he opened the brown corrogated cardboard box in which the gift was shipped, he became very excited to see a clear plastic pouch with the DVD Santa Buddies in it. I thought this was the reason he was so excited to open the box. Along with the DVD, there were five stuffed puppies - the "Buddies". THIS was what he wanted to get his hands on! He wanted the dog named "Budderball"! Whatever the draw was, I was excited that he wanted to open a present. This is when my hopes began to rise. "At least Noah would be excited about opening presents this year", I thought to myself.

When Neil's mom came for Thanksgiving, we all went Christmas shopping for the boys. We watched Noah and Judah walk through the store and pick out the toys that would most draw their attention. I was pretty confident that this year's Christmas gift exchange within our family would be an exciting, new adventure for us! The boys would want to open each present with anticipation and be playing all day long for days with their new gifts. My excitement and anticipation of carrying on the traditional activities of the season soon came to an abrupt halt and, truth be told, left me feeling pretty numb with disappointment.

About a year ago, Neil and I decided that we would allow the boys to open one gift each day over the week of Christmas. That way, it wouldn't be so overwhelming for Noah and Judah. This year, since they had so many more gifts from extended family, we were going to take our time and open each gift over a two week period to allow them to really enjoy each gift for a couple days before opening a new one. We were hoping that opening a new present every other night would pique their curiosity about the other gifts, wrapped in pretty paper, under the tree.

The first night went pretty well. It took a little motivation on our part to draw the boys' attention to their gifts that were waiting to be discovered. After a few minutes both Noah and Judah were tearing shiny Christmas paper away from their unknown treasures. Noah opened a box containing an interactive WALL.E toy. Judah found his treasure of a "Stinky Pete" garbage truck that talked and responded to touch. They were both very fond of their new novelties. I asked Noah, "Would you like to open another present?" "No, no, no", came the answer. I laughed. "There is always tomorrow", I thought.

Christmas eve came. I was ready for the bringing in the traditions! We sat down to read out of the Bible. Noah and I had been using nativity figures to act out the story of Jesus. He liked to talk to Jesus: "Hello, baby Jesus" and "Good-bye, baby Jesus". Well, it's a beginning, I thought. At least he is talking to Jesus. After reading the story of baby Jesus being born, Neil and I brought out the presents and let the boys choose one to unwrap. No one was interested. It was like pulling teeth to get them to open their gifts. Of course, we didn't make them open all of them. We only tried to open a couple. Noah kept saying, "No, no, no..." and Judah wouldn't even respond, except for getting a little grumpy that we were making him open his Christmas present!

After what I thought would be our Christmas crescendo came to a crash, Neil and I sat on the couch downstairs processing out loud what had just happened and where we went wrong. What could we have done better? It began to dawn on us that we made Christmas day a little stressful by breaking their routines. The one day that is supposed to be different and more special from all the other days of the year really needed to be as routine as possible, just like any other day, for our sons. This is where my "Christmas crescendo" really bottomed out. How does one make a day special when the demand is for "same-o, same-o"? Routine is what brings comfort to Noah and Judah. Sameness is what they enjoy. Forcing a change in that predictability is far too distressing.

Disappointed expectations, a redirection of dreams, and maybe a little perspective change is in order here. Hmmm....you know what? That is OK. While other boys girls scramble to open unfound treasure under the lights of the Christmas tree, Noah is taking baby Jesus for a walk. In other homes newly purchased toys are scattered abroad from built up anticipation and excitement. In our home, it is peaceful and quiet with the sound of Noah and Judah watching and listening to the "Joy to the World" Praise Baby DVD for the millionth time. Once in a while, I can even hear Noah singing the words to We Three Kings or Oh Come All Ye Faithful.

Every year, I think I learn a little bit more about what the Chrismas crescendo really is. First, it really is about the Baby that was born in someone's "barn" and laid in a feeding trough. If it wasn't for the power of God wrapped, not in pretty paper, but in human flesh, there would be no "crescendo" at all. In fact, there wouldn't be even a song. If my sons can grasp only that concept around the holiday season, that would be the best gift I could receive. In that way, I am kinda' glad they don't fully appreciate the idea of opening gifts. There is nothing to distract them from learning the reason why we celebrate this time of year. Second, being together as a family is so important to us. I am not taking anything away from visiting relatives, but it is so nice to relax and celebrate and enjoy what God has given to our family with the flexibility of being able to just "go with flow". Third, our "crescendo" may not be loud enthusiasm, lots of bright colours, various versions of Jingle Bells and Jingle Bell Rock coming from every room, tons of Christmas decorations in every corner, or a vast array of food overflowing the table to its four corners. I am learning that our Christmas will be filled with great anticipation of Daddy being home, a decent sized tree in one of the rooms with lots of blinking lights, soft music of Away in the Manger in the background, just enough decorations to bring a little extra festive feeling to our home, and a few favourite goodies sitting out on the coffee table for all to share.

I know it is unfashionably belated to say this now, or maybe it is a little too early to say it for next year, but I am saying it anyway. Whether your Christmas seasons are full of Jingle Bells and holly (which I love!) or it is a season of cherishing quiet family moments together or somewhere in between...Merry Christmas! In fact, why say it's too late or too early? Let the crescendo continue everyday! Why make just one day special? If it's really all about Jesus Christ, we need to raise the bar for the other days of the year, too. So, "Merry Christmas" from our family to you and your family everyday for this rest of this year!!!

And since it is almost Valentine's Day, happy Valentine's Day, too!!! ;-)

Well, That Wasn't so Bad

2010-12-10T13:49:00.000-08:00

I am writing to report that Judah has been on his seizure medication for a month and he has not had any seizures! Yeeehhh!

Also, we have made an inquiry on a little boy in NV waiting to be adopted. He looks to definitely be on the spectrum. Once again, we will see what doors God opens for us! Pretty exciting!!!!

The Adoption Process...

2010-10-29T07:06:00.000-07:00

We have our home study completed and have been sending it out to multiple agencies. We completed our home study through a private agent instead of an agency. Our agent does not do the child search, only the home study iteself. So now we are seeking out multiple agencies who will take our home study and help us find the right child for our family. This is a long, slow process, but I know that the right child will be presented to us at the right time. We will wait and see what God will do!

Ready...Set...Here We Go!

2010-10-29T06:46:00.000-07:00

I received a call last night from our pediatric neurologist, Dr. M. Reardon, here in Austin. He called around seven. He sounded like he had had a long day and was tired, yet he still took time to call and talk to me. Fifteen minutes we were on the phone. He prescribed Trileptal for Judah. I will pick it up at the pharmacy today. Dr Reardon was so patient, so understanding, and so reassuring. I truly did not expect a call last night. I thought perhaps not until Monday would I hear from Dell Children's Neurology. I was impressed, but more than impressed, I was deeply grateful.

So, I will make a run to CVS and pick up this RX for Judah. I can't help but feeling a little nervous. I know that seizures are not uncommon. In fact, SO many people have seizures for multiple reasons, especially children with autism. Not all children with autism have seizures, but many do. It certainly isn't rare. There are so many people in the world that take seizure medication and have taken it for a number of years. Why am I so nervous about this? I guess there is one difference: Judah is my son.

Here we go...

A New Development?

2010-10-26T18:41:00.000-07:00

For the last couple of months, Judah has been having "episodes" of behavior that are out of character for him. Neil and I have been watching and keeping track of this behavior, trying to figure out what triggers his 45 minute, unconsolable "tantrums". The first time we noticed it was when Neil and I went out on September 17th for a late celebration of our anniversary. Our sweet babysitter, Lindsey, was here and we were ready to leave when Judah began crying and acting nervous, almost fearful. We all racked our brains trying to figure out what was going on and what triggered his becoming so upset. He is typically able to be calmed fairly quickly. Not that night. It took a good 40 minutes to finally get him to a point where we could leave the house. Lindsey was great! She took such good care of both our boys. Before Neil and I reached our destination, I received a text from Lindsey that he was laughing and acting as though nothing had happened. For me, it was a "note-to-self" moment.

A couple weeks later, I went upstairs. Judah was in his jammies standing on the arm of the sofa, watching a movie. When I looked at him, I asked him if he was sleeping with his eyes open. He was standing perfectly still, not moving a muscle, not batting an eyelash (Judah is rarely still). I proceeded to walk over to the Little Tykes desk where our two new family members resided in their cages. Our two new gerbils, Little Joe an G-Force, were chewing up the aspen shavings that covered the bottom of their cages. Judah had been quiet, unmoving up to this point. Then all of a sudden, he began screaming and running around the room as though something had frightened him. He ran over to me after I called his name and opened my arms. He let me hug him for a split second and then resisted with all the strength he had, trying to get away. He continued running around the room, beating on the floor and the wall, screaming the whole time. Neil came upstairs, and all I could do was watch Judah. I felt helpless. Neil couldn't calm him either. We brought him downstairs, wrapped him in a blanket, gave him some milk, and held him tightly. He continued to fight and resist as though something had scared him. I took him back upstairs, turned off the lights and turned on some soft music. Still holding him tightly, wrapped in a blanket with his sippy cup of milk, he slowly began to calm down. It took a good forty-five minutes before he was completely calm again. After he was calmed, he acted as though nothing had happened.

This type of behavior occurred multiple times in the weeks that followed: couple times at school, on the bus, and a few more times at home. We took him to pediatric neurology for an EEG, where they futiley tried to induce a seizure. Although seizures were not confirmed, our pediatrician seems convinced that what Judah is experiencing is, indeed, a form of epileptic seizures. Our pediatric neurologist could not definitively say that Judah is having seizures, but from what we described and reported from the school, seizures were certainly not out of the question. We were given a number of options with which to proceed. We could bring Judah in for a 24 hour EEG; we could start him on seizure medication, and see if his "behavior" stops; or we could watch him and see if his episodes continue, increase, or decrease. At the time, we opted to watch him and continue tracking his behavior. He is still averaging these strange behaviors about once a week.

A couple nights ago, we heard Judah crying upstairs just after we had put him to bed. Neil ran back upstairs to check on him. He seemed scared and mad, constantly wringing his hands. He was tired, but couldn't stop crying. He was unable to vocalize any feeling or emotion other than crying. It was as though he could not use any verbalizations that he knew. His gestures and signs became more pronounced and succinct. He could only cry. Gradually, he calmed down again and was able to use the jargon and verbal approximations that he typically uses. Once again, all was well in his world, and he acted as though nothing had happened.

After talking to my friend, who also has experienced seizures, Neil and I have decided to put Judah on seizure medication. Worse case scenario: the medication doesn't work, and his "episodes" continue. We then take him off the medication. On the other hand, maybe the medication will work, and he will not experience these long, grueling moments as often, if at all. We will, also, know for certain that he is experiencing seizures. Yes, I will call neurology tomorrow and request seizure medication for Judah.

Laughing at our "Calamities"

2010-09-28T20:05:00.000-07:00

Now that summer vacation is over and school is back in session, I actually have a few minutes to do a little thinking (and writing)! I have been reflecting on how much Noah and Judah have changed over this past year, and I've had a few chuckles over some of the "calamities" created by these two, although at the time, humor was no where to be found.

Reminiscing back to the two weeks before last Christmas, I recall two little boys who enjoyed their water play in our three bathrooms when no one was the wiser to their goings on. Neil and I woke up one morning to the bath tub in the master bedroom filling slowly with what looked like sewer water. It was brown and, well, I'll spare you the details. One of us sat down to use the toilet and once it was flushed, the water in the tub rose as an overflowing creek bed does when it rains. Needless to say, we didn't try that twice. Neil checked the other upstairs bathroom, and it, too, had a tub full of...the same stuff. The toilet in that one, also, caused the the waters to rise in the tub. I went downstairs to use the commode in the powder room next to the kitchen. I noticed upon entrance, that the water from upstairs was leaking down through the vent in the powder room. Drip, drip, drip. Water was dropping right onto the toilet. I opened the lid with hopes to somewhat contain the mess by having the water drip into the toilet instead of on and around the floor. I called for Neil. Neil hurried downstairs. As we stood in the kitchen watching the water drip down from upstairs, one more thing caught my eye. There were water marks on the wall between the bathroom and the linen closet. I touched the wall. It was wet and soft. Not good.

Our first few phone calls were made to our landlord. Then we called the home owner's insurance. It wasn't long before we had someone standing in our bathroom ready to evaluate and assess our situation. Our landlord also made his way to our home. All the toilets were plugged. The tubs were backing up because the water from the toilets had no place to go, so sewage was coming up through the drains in the bath tubs. Meanwhile, water had soaked the carpeted floor between the powder room and the kitchen. The gentleman who had been called by the insurance company, pulled up one of the toilets upstairs and as well as the one downstairs. He used the "snake" to see how far he would be able to go down the hole before he hit some blockage. Nothing had been revealed downstairs. Good news. However, upstairs was another matter. As he pushed the "snake" tool down the hole, there was definitely something blocking, plugging the toilet. He decided to put a camera down there so we could see what it was. As I stood there watching the screen, I recongnized some of toys that were in our play room the day before. Bummer. "This is going to cost us big time", I thought.

$1200 was the deductible for all the plumbing to be corrected and the water damage in the wall and the floor downstairs. "Merry Christmas", I thought to myself. Could be worse, though, I suppose. Two weeks later, after we arrived back from our vacation, Neil went to Home Depot and bought three sets of door knobs that locked with keys. This way, the boys will not be able to get into the bathroom to cause any more damage or messes, for that matter. This could also prove to be a challenge for potty training in the upcoming months. Neil exchanged the regular door knobs for the the new ones with keys. Now we keep each bathroom door locked at all times, and when people come to visit our house, they have to either ask to use the restroom or take a key with them!

A Day in our Lives

2010-07-02T09:21:00.000-07:00

I was recently sharing with a friend various situations that occur in a typical day here in the Siedschlag family. We had a good laugh over some of the crazy actions and interactions that take place in our home, although I am not always laughing at the time! Taking my dear friend's suggestion, I am going to share them with you so you, too, can laugh with us at some of our "calamities"!

Let me take you on a brief tour of our home first. You won't know all the rooms, specifically, but you will have a better feel for how our home functions and what one may find when entering our house. When you walk in, there is a small entry way with the formal dining room immediately to your left, only we utilize this room as an office and a "quiet get-away" room. On the desk, you will see stacks of papers waiting to be filed next to our computer. This room always looks the cleanest! The living room and the kitchen, just on the other side of the wall, is where much of the action throughout the day takes place. Upstairs there is a decent sized game room where we keep most of the toys and a small library of books. Our bedroom is utilized for more than just snoozing. It is also a room for "trampolining", wrestling with Dad, watching movies on a very small TV, and unwinding at the end of the day. We also have a pretty large back yard surrounded by "neighbor fences" which allow everyone to see what everyone else is doing in their yards! Actually, I believe this is meant to encourage community.

I do shampoo and vaccuum the carpets once a week. I vaccuum the upholstry once a month. I mop the kitchen floor once a week and clean the whole kitchen using Mr Clean with Febreeze disinfectant once a day. I wipe down the fridge, microwave, and toaster oven to show off a little shine, even if only for ten minutes! I wipe the table with a wet rag and then go over it again with Orange Glo wood polish. If I am feeling energetic, I will even use a little Orange Glo on the coffee table and book shelves. Once in a blue moon, not because it rarely needs it, but because within less than an hour one would never know I did anything, I will take some Windex to the patio door. It's amazing how much more light comes in when it's clean! ;-) Actually, I have a daily cleaning schedule so as not to become too overwhelmed:
-Mondays, I clean the floors downstairs.
-Tuesdays, I attempt to get around ten loads of laundry done.
- Wednesdays, the upstairs floors get done along with cleaning the bathrooms.
-I originally set aside Thursdays for "small" projects like filing. Usually, Thursday becomes the day I finish whatever I haven't been able to get done thus far.
-Friday evenings we host a game night, so I made Fridays "mopping days".

One would think with this routine, our house must look close to emaculate most of the time. Not so. There are days you would walk in to our home and never know that a a dish rag or broom even exists in our household. Toys from upstairs that have been dragged downstairs, cups of water on the coffee table and TV stand, containers of Goldfish crackers on the floor, and a few more piles of "stuff" that need to be "filed", or maybe tossed are all common visuals that one would experience while taking a small tour of our home. Uncooked spaghetti noodles on the floor, rolled oats on the carpet, water on the kitchen floor, fruit smeared across the kitchen table, mud tracked in from outside, a dirty pull-up missing from someone's bottom, chocolate chip cookie smeared on places other than the face, dumped spices in the sink, lotion and soap pumped out into the toilet and upset plants are, also, possibilities of what one would have found in the recent past. We have since been able to remedy some of these challenges. I will share some of these stories and what we did to "fix" the problem with you. I truly hope that the following stories will encourage you if you have a child with autism or at the very least make you laugh!

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