The Silver Lining of My Cloud

Losing Weight

noreply@blogger.com (waxie) — Wed, 09 Mar 2011 03:02:00 +0000

It is soooo hard to lose weight! How I wish I can go back to my high school days and take advantage of my skeleton like body and eat all my favorites (and maybe suffer high blood pressure as well and die of heart attack?) I don't care! Haha. As long as I can eat my favorite bbq, fried stuff, lechon, tempura, all the pasta I want (I recently have taken to the liking of spaghetti - all kinds!) and all the chicharon in the world.

But oh well, I will remain a hapless individual who does not have the luxury to do that anymore. I thought my luck would not run out, but oh well, I have no choice now but to really lose weight. Morning exercises, pretending that yummy food is not yummy at all, aching muscles, and unfriendly weighing scale trips. And not to mention looking at my "salva vidas" in the mirror and pinching them a million times to prove to myself that they are real.

I'm officially on my second day of trying to lose weight. Give me 90 days, and we will see the results if my personal "surgery" has worked its wonders.

Pouring Everything In

noreply@blogger.com (waxie) — Wed, 02 Mar 2011 18:23:00 +0000

It has been a few days now, where I just can't seem to progress. Lots of thoughts have been entering my mind (and never exited), so that is why it is a must for me to write in the next few minutes - just to pour everything in, just to let those thoughts out. I need to clear my mind so that I may be able to think clearly. So here it goes ...

About Loving.

To love is a choice. Oh yes. But it's not that simple - it comes with a lot of baggages. You have to learn to understand (a lot of this!), and you should not be stupid in the process. Yes, one has to accept but one also has to recognize what is wrong from right. We have our thresholds and there will definitely be a time when you would not be able to take it anymore. In the process of squeezing out all those tears, breathing out, and just thinking that things will be ok, you know deep inside that eventually, things have to change. Change has to come in early, else whatever grudges you hold now will haunt your relationship later. Then it will all be too late.

About Friendship.

Friends should not treat you like a kid. They can advice, but they should comfort too. Sure, they can point out your mistakes but they should not leave you feeling so stupid. True friends put themselves into your shoes and if they feel you took the wrong road, they should be able to inform you up front, and not talk to other people about what you have done wrong. True friends not only talk to you because they can benefit from you, but engage in conversations just for the heck of it. True friends don't come to you only in times of need, or only when they need someone to talk to. That for me is really an insult. I can be very understand, but really I cannot understand that.

I used to not pick my friends. My usual thought was everyone has the biggest potential to be a good friend. As I matured, that belief changed. I began to recognize which ones stick through thick and thin, and which ones stink. I began to recognize which ones are users, and which ones are real. I began to recognize which ones would defend you when needed, and which ones would talk to you behind your back. The process broke my heart a lot of times, and made it hard for me to trust people anymore, but believe me, in the mud, there is gold. There are still those friends who would always lend an ear to listen, and would not blab things to others. There are still those friends that you know you can trust, that would never tarnish your reputation.

About Family.

Whatever everyone says, make your family your priority however far they may be.

Blessings and Fear

noreply@blogger.com (waxie) — Mon, 08 Nov 2010 18:27:00 +0000

I am thankful that God has blessed me with lots of wondrous things (even though I don't deserve most of them!) I cannot believe that I am where I am right now. A good and stable job, enough pay to exercise generosity, and overflowing love that I am graciously sharing.

Fear has been my #1 enemy for the past years. It is the thing that has continually harassed my fragile soul, and is the root of my insecurity. I have been trying to conquer it, and I believe I am slowly succeeding. Self-experience has taught me to be more self-confident and to stand for myself. In connection to that, I have learned that we do not have to stand up for ourselves all the time. We have to stand up in the right context, without destroying friendships. Yes, I know it is good to defend one's self belief, but it surely is not right to make people believe that you are right all the time. You have to act according to status quo, and be humble for now, and defend later, at the right time. It surely is not easy, but it has to be done. I may be speaking in riddles, and one day I may clarify all of these things. :)

Changing My Lifestyle

noreply@blogger.com (waxie) — Thu, 28 Oct 2010 19:32:00 +0000

How hard it is to change one's lifestyle. Today, I just had a can of coke and orange chicken with white rice for lunch. I know it is wrong, but emotional and mental pressures seem to coax me to eat what I want and not what is right for me. I seem to have lost all self-control, that it is my environment and not me who is controlling my life. That is really wrong and I have to change that.

I am now on my second week working for Microsoft as a fulltime SDET. A big change in career, and supposed to be something that would pump me to be a better person than who I was. But I'm afraid in the personal aspect, things have gotten worse. Because of stress (I blame myself for this), I don't have enough energy to enjoy things outside of work anymore. I have to fix this, else I will not be who I want to be.

It is even a miracle that I am writing this post right now. It is just that self-realization has made me think that change has to come into the picture, that I have to push myself to change. It really is very easy to say that, it really is easy to make plans, but to act out on those plans is super hard. That is the challenging part for me.

I have to improve myself. I have to lose weight, I have to do more of my hobbies often, I have to learn how to do my time management better, and I have to plan this well. The way I carry myself now makes me feel so miserable and depressed that I am emanating this moldy aura. Not good at all.

What I will do I am keeping to myself for now. But for sure, I have to change.

How Blindness and Stupidity are related

noreply@blogger.com (waxie) — Mon, 16 Aug 2010 20:14:00 +0000

I am in pain right now. Not the skin-deep physical pain but the numbing, heart-shocking kind.

Last night, I realized that I am a very sensitive person. Not that that is bad but if you get to be with a person that is very insensitive, that would not be a good combination. It would be like oil and water - never in agreement with each other, and is yet proven to be able to get along well. So unless science finds a way to make the two elements mold, then they would remain apart. But I am sticking. Call me crazy but I am sticking for now. I am water, always sensitive, sensitive of ripples, sensitive to the touch. Always accepting, always yields. That may not be good for me.

It was supposed to be just a casual conversation over dinner about money and financial matters. But because of my sensitivity and his insensitivity, things did not end well. I never felt so low before. With other people, I could easily defend myself and underscore my opinions and feelings so that the opposing side could see things clearly. But with him, things just seem different. How he could easily turn the tables on me and make me feel guilty. Now I know what the phrase "crying his sockets out" or "crying out in buckets" feel like. After that painstaking crying session, I resolved to myself that I would never cry that much again. My head felt like it would explode anytime, that even lying down on a soft surface didn't alleviate the pain - and ever increased my emotional tantrums. My brain and my heart exchanged questions back and forth like a ping pong ball artistically prodded to the other end of the table. In the end, my heart won, and I just had to submit to that decision.

Is this decision something that I will doubt in the years to come? Am I a hypocrite to myself? Is this supposed to be healthy? Is this normal?

I just want to feel loved. Is that too much to ask?

I am a living example of "Love is blind". The saddest thing is, I chose to be blind.

noreply@blogger.com (waxie) — Sun, 25 Jul 2010 04:27:00 +0000

OK, now I am fueled.

Once upon a time, there was this wiry, thin girl. Because she was so lean, her parents let her drink vitamins, so that her body would be duped to make her think to eat more. But maybe it really was just nature and adolescence, she remained thin, no matter how much she ate. She dreamt of adipose tissues, and association with them, and knowing the experience of having belly fats. But she remained fat-less. Then age took its toll.

Now she is 27 and struggling to lose weight. It seems like nature is not cooperating anymore. Those adipose cells are not letting go and she being tempted by lots of oh so delicious stuff all the time. When she looks at herself in the mirror, she could not believe it. There is still this feeling of non-acceptance - of how that lean girl of long ago gained all this weight.

But she is resolving to change all of this. She is gonna run. Not run away. But run, run for a healthier life, for a better body. To regain her self-confidence. How ironic right? When not so long ago she yearned to be fatter, but now she wants to be thinner. Oh well.

I need a 'Eureka'!

noreply@blogger.com (waxie) — Sun, 25 Jul 2010 04:15:00 +0000

Writing used to be my emotional outlet. I could write at least 2 blog entries a day and would feel like writing more. But now, it seems like my passion has all dried out, and I feel like I am tired of pouring my emotions into paper. That really makes me sad and worried at the same time. Writing is not supposed to be a forced activity. It is something that just happens smoothly, spontaneously. There are just so many things that I really want to do and I then make excuses not to write anymore, because I feel like I have to do many other things but in reality, I have lots of time to write. I just need some sort of inspiration - a spark of feeling, a turmoil of emotions, a 'eureka!', a bright lightbulb.

Ramblings of a Bored Person

noreply@blogger.com (waxie) — Fri, 02 Jul 2010 02:22:00 +0000

I can't believe it. I am jumping from one blog to another! (waxiemarie.multiply.com) Just goes to show that I am really really bored. Giant (my boyfriend) is in South Africa and I really don't have someone I can confide to right now. I feel like I am less human or something - it's like a part of me is missing (nyahaha so corny, but nevertheless, whatever you think, that is how I feel =P So bear with me. You might get to hear lots of rants about me missing him but what the heck, this is my blog, so let me be!).

I don't want to talk about work here (that's on another blog, I was thinking of starting a UI testing blog. Effective UI testing, so as to push myself to learn more about UI testing and it's wonders. Ladida. Ladidoo.) I just want to talk about life in general. Yes, boring, but what else can I talk about?

I have started to pick apart the threads of relationships in the past few months. How do you define an effective relationship? Does a relationship even have to be effective? To say a relationship is effective sounds like it is forced. It would be better if a relationship is natural, informal. Many people treat having a relationship as a serious thing (well indeed it is serious but one does not need to act like he/she's getting married tomorrow!). A relationship too is having fun. Not fun in a way where you get to have lots of drinking and stuff, but it's having fun in a way where both you and your partner get to be natural with each other - get to laugh a lot, and bask in each others' presence (no nudity necessary =P). I say, that is effective - without effort. I was soo scared in getting into a relationship. I was afraid of getting too "mature". One needs to balance things - acting like a child sometimes is forgiveable (it adds to the fun too!), but one needs to know when to be mature. Understanding is a main ingredient, but spice is mandatory else the relationship will be bland and forgettable. Well enough with this relationship topic. What else do I want to talk about?

I lost 3 pounds in 3 days. Well how about that? A pound a day. That is an achievement! :) Being vegan on weekdays really helps a lot. Not to mention exercising every morning, and looking at oneself in the mirror and be convinced that you are fat. Don't think I'm anorexic or binging or something, I am not. I seriously am overweight now. I have gained 20 pounds eversince I got introduced to US fastfood and daily cuisine. I am really not blaming it on the food. I am blaming it on myself - for the lack of self-discipline. That is why I am pushing for change - and hoping that I will still recover and regain my old self-confidence. I can say it is hard being overweight, it's so hard to lose weight! But I just have to believe in my self-discipline. I have to whip myself and prove to myself that I can reach my goal in losing weight.

It really feels good to write and just to vent. I know what I have written so far is boring, don't worry, the next few days I will try to be more creative. So brace yourselves. ;)

Second Chances

noreply@blogger.com (waxie) — Tue, 04 Aug 2009 17:11:00 +0000

Can I say I am happy? I guess I am. :) Why? Because of second chances.

I was raised in a family that just had enough. I was never spoiled and was happy with hand-me-downs from cousins. I appreciated simple things and was easily content with simple pleasures. Climbing trees and breathing in salty air from the beach were glorious moments for me - rather than attending expensive concerts or eating in fancy restaurants. This simplicity defined me as a person and I am proud of that.

I cannot say that money was not an issue. It was always an issue. My parents thought I did not understand the reason behind their quarrels before - but even as I child, I already had the hindsight for such things. Despite our stature in life, I always had a positive nature and have always believed in second chances.

Looking back, it was hard, real hard that I can't believe I am in the position I am in right now. My father has always told me that people at the bottom would always have the chance to go up, and people that are at the top do not have that chance anymore. One day, the ones at the bottom will be at the top and the ones at the top would have to eventually give way for the ones going up. I have witnessed that happening and with all these opportunities, I am glad. :)

Just For You (The English Translation of Para Lamang Kanimo)

noreply@blogger.com (waxie) — Fri, 20 Feb 2009 00:08:00 +0000

As requested by julian =P Here goes the English version ...

Here I am pondering if the right time has come
For this heart of mine to beat again
If this feeling has direction or will this just be flung into the far horizon?
I am praying for this dormant heart of mine
Not to be crumpled and to be forever loved.
Are you the long-awaited answer to my whispered prayers?
Or are you just an illusion, a never-ending experiment?
You are that far-away star that is occasionally looked up to,
The flower mindlessly caressed on the palm of my hands
Yesterday you were just a dream -
And from this heart of mine happiness pours - just for you.

Para Lamang Kanimo

noreply@blogger.com (waxie) — Thu, 19 Feb 2009 00:58:00 +0000

Ako nagahinuktok ug gapangutana kung angay na ba -

Angay na ba kining pagdalugdog sa akong dughan

Kung naa ba ni'y padulngan o molagpot ra sa kawarangan.

Ako nagaampo na kining kasingkasing kong dugay nang natulog

Dili pagakumoton, ug unta hantod-hantod higugmaon.

Ikaw na ba ang tubag sa akong mga pag-ampo?

O isa ka lang ka ilusyon ug experimentong niabot kanako?

Ikaw ang akong bituon na kanunay ginahangad hangad,

Isa ka bulak na ginahawop-hawop niining mga palad.

Kaniadto isa ra ka ka damgo kanako,

Ug karon malipayon na ining kasing-kasing ko - na para lang kanimo.

Rat Loves Cat

noreply@blogger.com (waxie) — Sun, 11 Jan 2009 15:14:00 +0000

Awwwww!!! This Video is sooo amazing!! I mean, not only does the rat loves the cat but also the cat loves the rat - not for food of course! Reminds me of the "lion falling in love with the lamb" phrase in Twilight. Vampires falling in love with a human. I know I would never fall in love with a brussel sprout. Hahaha. Well, as they say, love your enemies however difficult.

Video source: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7ikm3o5hDks&feature=dir

My Favorite Shots of 2008 (taken from the pool of pictures I've taken for the past year)

noreply@blogger.com (waxie) — Sat, 10 Jan 2009 23:53:00 +0000

Destination Spring Break 2008 - Chicago Illinois. Taken from the water shuttle from Navy Pier to Shedd Aquarium.
Svimse the Seagull (Little Mermaid) off one of the docks in Chicago. Must be looking for Ariel. :)

The Spotted Beauty. Taken Iowa Summer 2009 at Waterworks Lake.

Rays of Hope. Twilight at Fairfield, IA near the town square.

Lover's Bench. Early morning setting at Waterworks Park, Fairfield, IA.

The Sun's Awake. Waterworks Lake, Fairfield, IA. This is probably one of the best photos I have ever taken.

Bellagio Lobby, Bellagio, Las Vegas, NV. A sea of umbrella-like decors sprinkle the lobby of one of Vegas' most famous buildings.

Bulbs Literally. Pella, IA's pride - a sea of tulips.

Town Square, Pella, IA. Spring 2008

Butterfly Flowers. Homegrown at Pella, IA. Spring 2008.

The Dutch Doll. Taken from the tulip spreads of Pella, IA. May 2008.

The Vicious Cycle

noreply@blogger.com (waxie) — Fri, 09 Jan 2009 18:00:00 +0000

And they say that loving is a decision. Then people would just say "sometimes I do make stupid decisions." ... that is, only when the relationship fails.

And I observe that people make innumerable stupid decisions in their lifetime.. pounding their poor hearts to unrecognizable pulp and forever damaging their wailing souls; with the extracts of experience feeding their lives' resurrection. Oh poor life.

But then, people are ever too willing to go through their lives all over again - just to experience a never-ending travesty ... and be engulfed in this wonderful feeling-turned-decision - throwing themselves at the mercy of love. Immortal love.

And the vicious cycle just goes over and over and over.

Will we ever tire out?

Will you?

The Accident

noreply@blogger.com (waxie) — Sun, 04 Jan 2009 11:12:00 +0000

I just want to share this short story I have read this morning from the online version of Chicken Soup for the Soul. I always have been a fan of this book series. Really warms up my heart .. and my soul. Life is .. strange and so full of surprises and .. so full of signs. Do you believe in signs? Like asking from God a sign before making a momentous decision? For me, I have asked God super multiple times for signs .. and I guess I was just too blind to see the signs or maybe my faith was enough to generate the sign. In due time, He will show me the sign.

So here it goes. May your heart and soul be warmed up ...

The Accident From Chicken Soup for the Soul: Living Catholic Faith

It was, after all, a mistake. It had been one of the worse nights of my residency. There had been so many admissions that I had virtually lost count, and I barely was able to keep up with the needs of my own patients, much less all the other ones I was cross covering. I was desperately rushing to finish checking labs and ordering tests before hurrying off to morning report.

Later that day, I was struggling to fight back fatigue and finish rounds when I received a page to report to Radiology immediately.

“Oh great” I thought. “Now what’s wrong?” However, upon my arrival I was the sudden focus of congratulations and pats on the back.

“Great pickup!” they said. “Look at that,” one of the radiologists said, pointing to films from an upper GI series hanging on the view box.

“A small bowel tumor, classic appearance!” I stood there dumbfounded; I had no idea what they were talking about. I picked up the chart and leafed through it. Yes, I had ordered the upper GI, but it wasn’t my patient. Then I realized what had happened. In my haste to keep up with everything the prior evening, I had ordered an upper GI on the wrong patient!

Looking closer at the chart I learned that the patient was a priest, and director of a local Catholic college. He had been complaining of cough and fever, as well as nonspecific malaise and therefore, as was common in those bygone days, was admitted to the hospital for an evaluation. After the upper GI revealed a cancer of the bowel, he was operated on the very next day. The surgeon had paged me to the operating room to show me, saying, “You really saved this guy. I’ve never caught one of these this early before.” I was too embarrassed to say anything, so I nodded my head politely and walked out. I didn’t tell a soul what had happened.

The hectic pace of residency quickly resumed and the incident was soon forgotten.

About a week later, I was paged to the surgical floor. When I returned the call, a nurse informed me that one of the patients wanted to speak with me. I told her that I didn’t have any patients there. She replied, “It’s a priest, and he’s quite insistent on speaking with you.” I froze and felt a deep sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach.

In a near trancelike state, I slowly made my way to his room. As I entered, I had a sudden urge to throw myself at his feet saying, “Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned,” but instead I quietly introduced myself and took a seat by his bed. A distinguished-looking man in his late fifties, he had piercing eyes that seemed to stare directly into my soul.

“Were you the one who ordered the test on me?”

I nodded my head and said nothing.

“Why?” he asked.

“It was... an accident,” I stammered. I told him everything, the words almost pouring out of me, a relief to finally tell someone. He appeared pale and said nothing for a long time, the two of us sitting in utter silence. After a while he finally spoke. “The last several months have been something of a spiritual crisis for me. I had begun to question how I had spent my life, and the very core of my beliefs. I was offered a new and important position, but I didn’t feel capable or worthy of it. Then, I began to feel ill and I was going to turn the offer down.” He paused, “Since the surgery my symptoms seem to have disappeared. I now know what I should do. You see, my son, I believe there are no accidents. When they came to take me for that GI test, I knew that something was amiss, yet at the very same time I felt deeply that I had to go.”

He seemed to sit more erect in bed and his voice gathered force. “The day before I had prayed for some sort of sign to guide me, and now I understand that you were chosen to be its instrument.”

As he spoke, I felt the hairs on the back of my neck rise and a strange sensation came over me.

I sat there stunned, not knowing what to say or think. The priest smiled. “Such talk troubles you, doesn’t it?”

I told him of my own inner struggles trying to reconcile reason and faith in the context of my own religious tradition. “Ah,” he replied, “one of your people grappled with such questions long ago. I will introduce you to him.”

My beeper summoned me. As I rose to leave he asked that I wait for a moment and sit on his bed. He placed his hand upon my head and said, “I offer you my thanks in the words your people once taught us. May the Lord bless you and keep you, may His face shine upon you and be gracious unto you, may He lift up his countenance upon you and give you peace...”

Several months later, I was called to the hospital’s mailroom to sign for a package that had just arrived for me from Europe. I was shocked to see that it had come from the Vatican. Opening it I found it was from the same priest, except instead of Father his title was now Monsignor, a special assistant to the Pope. Inside was a short note that said, “As you once helped me through my spiritual turmoil, may this aid you through yours.” Enclosed was a beautiful bound English translation of the great physician/philosopher Moses Maimonides’ monumental work on the struggle between faith and reason, The Guide of the Perplexed.

I walked to the small patient garden next to the hospital entrance, sat, and heard the soft songs of the birds and caught the smell of the spring blossoms in the clean air.

I sat holding the book and was lost in thought for a long time.

Maybe there are no mistakes.

New Year's Eve Imaginations

noreply@blogger.com (waxie) — Wed, 31 Dec 2008 00:05:00 +0000

If I were in the Philippines now...

I'd be in a crowded supermarket with my mom ...

Cramming to buy grocery for new year's eve ...

Maybe in our tindahan passing time ...

Or having fun conversations with tita gangging and ate au ...

And probably inhaling the salty air from the beach ...

Or making passing chikka with ate angie and kuya oka ...

Or maybe running around with my nephew CJ ...

Or maybe prepare the house for 2009.

I just can imagine.

Fragments of Memories

noreply@blogger.com (waxie) — Tue, 30 Dec 2008 00:13:00 +0000

Usually the little events in one's life are the ones that occupy the most memory - the ones that are most unforgettable. Like the wail of a premature baby. The small pats of a father during bedtime. The sweetness of freshly cut sugarcane. The soft crash of the waves heard while scribbling crush names on the sand. The bubbles of carbon in a glass of coke while sharing frenzied laughter with cousins. The wet lick of a most cherished pet dog. The constant pitter patter of rain outside jalousied windows. The callous feel of a palm of salt while perched on a wide sineguellas branch on a warm summer afternoon. The smell of newly bought books during school enrollment. A returned smile from a most admired one. A shivering hand held during a cheesy movie. Fried bananas on sticks with housemates on Saturday afternoons. The smell of gutters in Carbon. The shaky elevator rides in Skyrise. The surprising discovery of a male rabbit named Shobe. The tears of a mom bidding farewell. The approaching lights of Los Angeles. The looking forward to seeing Mr. Snowman. The long cold thirty-minute walks to Walmart. Code-scribbling on a whiteboard in an interview room. The call of good news from a recruiter. Heart-felt blogging on a winter's night.

Boring

noreply@blogger.com (waxie) — Sun, 28 Dec 2008 21:35:00 +0000

I am pretty much bored here. Have accomplished much today - well I think so. Went to church, was able to do all of my laundry, clean my room, do the accounting for the apartment, grocery, discard old coupons, transfer the stuff of the balikbayan box to the new box, rearrange my cabinet (feeling OC na kaayo ko), clean the kitchen, and had lunch with Ma'am Rosa and Carla. It is just 6:27pm here and I am now thinking "What else can I do?". I guess I can throw out trash and clean out everything. I am pretty much alone in the apartment - with greg at this time still travelling from California. I really miss my family. Waah this sounds like a sirang plaka na pero I really miss my family and the compound. I miss my dog duchess. I miss my housemates and my friends. I miss the Philippines. I miss everything. I bought myself a cooking book "Complete Comfort Food" which was highly recommended by my ever buotan na Tita Nora. I am beginning to learn a lot of dishes na and I hope I will improve a lot in cooking 'coz I never found the time to really learn when I was still a teenager. I really envied my cousins for they learned a lot of stuff and I was all the while scurrying with my studies and my school activities. I just wish I have extra baking pans and mixing bowls so I can bake bread here. Waaahh I am yakking here .. even my writing's beginning to sound b-o-r-i-n-g. Tomorrow's another day of work but another holiday is again approaching - meaning, no pay again for me. The disadvantage of a contract worker. Lingawa ko beh. Grabeh ka boring. Unsa pa man ako buhaton dinhi? Chikahi sad ko ninyo beh. Haaaay. Mamatay ko sa kamingaw.

I just have to

noreply@blogger.com (waxie) — Fri, 26 Dec 2008 17:05:00 +0000

I wonder what I did wrong. People are supposed to stick together but the cold shoulder makes me wonder what made her act that way. I really did my best but why on earth does she treat me that way? Did I really do something wrong? Reflecting back on things, I may have been at fault in some small ways but they were very lame for them to be the reason on the cold shoulder. This makes me lonelier.

My father long ago told me that I should not please all people. I just cannot do it. But still, I do my best. I maybe at fault by doing that but sometimes I really just can't help it. At times, I get tired that I just shun everyone. That happened yesterday. On Christmas day. When I got home from my aunt's house, I just slept, stirred and wondered, and slept again. I never felt so alone on a Christmas day. Never.

I miss my housemates in Cebu. I miss my family. I miss the bubbles of laughter. I miss the jokes.

But this is life and I have to live it. I have to survive. I just have to.

Stare and be Silent

noreply@blogger.com (waxie) — Sat, 20 Dec 2008 09:55:00 +0000

An arms reach away he was -
I could barely see his chinky eyes dancing in laughter
Covered by his black curtain of hair
And all I could do is stare and be silent.

His laugh, like a couple of tiny bells shaking -
Composing a tune that would lull me to wonder
What is this thing that I feel
And all I could do is stare and be silent.

A weekend's start is fresh with you by my side,
With you unknowing of this interest that you
Have sparked within me.
And all I could do is stare and be silent.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
He was really just an arm's reach away and all I could do was stare. We still exchange words and still he knows nothing. Now he is a million miles away, I could stare no more and still I remain silent.

Looking forward to being un-dead

noreply@blogger.com (waxie) — Wed, 17 Dec 2008 16:58:00 +0000

I read this article - about being like dead at the age of 28 from inquirer.net : http://showbizandstyle.inquirer.net/lifestyle/lifestyle/view/20081214-177865/Woman-thinks-her-life-is-over-at-28 and can't help but see myself in a similar manner. Well, I really don't hate my job - in fact I love my current job, I love my team and my company but social-wise, I think I am dead. Hahahaha. I just go to work, go home, sleep, and work again. During the weekends, I tend to circle Redmond and Bellevue but not really interact with humans. In short, I am pretty bored. I don't even know if I can be defined as a human being. Or as a social being perhaps with the social side of my life inactive.

This is the reason why I am going to volunteer for the Humane Society come February. I really look forward to doing this! Learning how to care for animals, walk dogs, feed them and the best thing is, interacting with the other volunteers. Then I can be human again! Hahaha. I can't help but recall the cut song from the animation Beauty and the Beast "Human Again" sang by the candlestick what's his name again? Lumier? and the rest of the ex-human staff of the Beast Castle.

Life has been stable but can't help and look for other social outlets in life. Lousy I know. And I am still beginning to face my social side here in Redmond. Maybe next week perhaps with a plate of sushi in between or Filipino food. Perhaps. :)

Weather has not been too good but not really that bad. I mean - a little sprinkle of snow here and there and the people here panic! They even cancelled classes. A little snow wouldn't harm you! I survived snow storms in Iowa - and walked to Walmart for at least 30 minutes while it was snowing. How is that? But yeah - it is really melancholic seeing the thin layer of snow lacing Redmond and can't help but recall my Iowa winter experience.

Well back to work! ^_^

I nearly died today

noreply@blogger.com (waxie) — Mon, 01 Dec 2008 23:04:00 +0000

I could have cried immediately but I did not. I just hurried in fear.

I just came from USPS (post office) and decided to just walk the few remaining blocks home. I felt I wanted to shed a few pounds off so why not? A few minutes of walk is nothing. In the last intersection, I thought that I really am looking forward to go home 'coz it is getting cold. I was even conscious of my bubblewrap-like jacket and was thinking that maybe these drivers at the intersection think I look like that mascot of a tire company. When the pedestrian light turned white, I began crossing the street. I was half-way when this SUV swooshed in front of me! I really had mixed emotions. One more step then I'd be dead. I am sure of that. It was so fast. And it ran the damn red light. I could not even think anymore, could not even remember the plate number. I felt so numb that I wanted to cry on the spot. I was thinking many times over that I am so lucky to still be alive. I thought drivers here respect pedestrians but now I seem to have changed my impression. Thank you Lord for still letting me live. Thank you.

I Feel Betty-Ful!!!

noreply@blogger.com (waxie) — Tue, 25 Nov 2008 11:23:00 +0000

Many times I feel so bored during my spare time that I wade into the deep waters of Filipino series or what we call "telenovelas". I really tend to be choosy on what I watch - well, I just don't watch everything. I watched Marimar, Dyesebel, and now - I Love Betty La Fea. Hindi ko yon ikinahihiya. I highly recommend it. Even if many may find watching filipino soap operas baduy, whatever yaya! I love Betty La Fea! =P

I really look forward to watching it everyday. It is just the only thing nowadays that really make me laugh. It has been pretty lonely here in Seattle - with my sedentary life of work and apartment. Thanks for Filipino humour and the power of the internet - at least I am still human. :) With Betty, I am not just human, I am Betty-ful! Nyahaha!

A Taste of Autumn in Snoqualmie

noreply@blogger.com (waxie) — Sun, 23 Nov 2008 02:14:00 +0000

It really is a wonder travelling to the East of Seattle during an autumn day - seeing the cascade of colors blending with each other forming a very pretty picture of red, golden yellow, purple, green, brown and orange. Tito Harry was my tourist guide that day - treating me with a fabulous iHop feast and orienting me with the rich history of Seattle.

It is suprising to note that an urban place like Seattle can be so full of trees. We went to this Log Pavilion in Snoqualmie which is around 45 minutes from Bellevue. This place was where they used to process big logs like this. I feel like a dwarf in front of the giant log!
We then headed towards the Snoqualmie Falls and what a huge disappointment it was! :( The falls was veiled by a fog when we arrived! So Tito Harry and I ventured into a nearby golf course to drink some coffee and took some side trips along the road where I felt so exhilarated with nature's majestic canvass - glassy water surfaces and crunchy hues of red and yellow.

And of course, it wouldn't be complete without me in it! ^_^

Then we decided to go back to the falls - it is worth a shot! We felt that the day would really not be complete without seeing the falls. It was worth the wait!

It was really very cold near the falls. We could see some "kayakers" near the falls. It was good the fog cleared off!I eagerly positioned for a picture with the falls!

And you can hear it's loud fall...
Then at the end of the day we had to bid farewell to Snoqualmie and have dinner with the rest of the gang in Seattle. It was my first time meeting my other relatives here. We ate at this Chinese restaurant - sampling lots of different Chinese (of course) food. Then I had to go 'coz my chauffeur was already waiting outside - honking.
And thanks Tito Harry for tagging along with me! I love Seattle!!! :)
My relatives in Seattle
... and Tito Harry my tour guide! ^_^ (Tito, you are gonna be famous with this picture)

Don't make my papa cry

noreply@blogger.com (waxie) — Fri, 21 Nov 2008 02:01:00 +0000

Tonight I heard my papa cry for the first time in months. He told me that he loves me very much and despite whatever happens, he will fight for me. I hate you for making my papa cry. How drastic can your actions be? Don't you know how to think? Think of my family too! With what you have done, you have been very selfish. You not only hurt me, but also my family in the process. If only I can rewind things. I thank God for a very loving father. And all I can do now is forget.